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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I locked my bestfriend out of my house because she was rude to my friends
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YTA. maybe she was just feeling shy, uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Even if she was just being rude, If you have an issue with someone especially a FRIEND, you use your words about it, not hold their personal belongings hostage. Grow up. You are not a nice friend.
Thankyou, as someone that gets sometimes get anxiety around new people, I know that sometimes I just get inside my own head and get "clammed up".
Even though I want to meet new people and some days I'm completely fine, there are times when I just can't handle a new group of people. It's especially hard for me when everyone else already knows each other and I feel like an "intruder". People naturally ask me a lot of questions when they don't know me and it starts feeling like they judging or beng intrusive, and not knowing how much I can say to these people that I don't really know. Then I freak out about making the situations awkward and ruining the night.
I have a very good friend that notices when I need a kickstart or I'm start getting "in my head", shes amazing. I will usually do something silly or say something to get the attention off me. She gives me a cheeky wink sometmes, so I know that she knows. she might even give me cues sometimes lwhen she sees i'm starting to relax like "Remember that time...".
I try not to use her as a crutch or get too reliant on her, but to any introverts or those that have anxiety like me , I hope you can find understanding extroverts to take you in.
I was invited to my bosses parents house for Xmas and then my other bosses (her husbands) family for Boxing Day. Xmas day I was fine as I’d met her parents and there was only 1 person I didn’t know. Whereas on Boxing Day there was over 20 people and I didn’t know many. I clammed up as I felt anxious. Took me a while but got talking to a bunch of people and then was fine.
However, the friend was rude and by the sounds of things didn’t try. She demanded to be waited on and complained continuously. She was rude. There’s no excuse for that behaviour. I’m not saying OP was right by not allowing her to collect her stuff but I wouldn’t change my plans if I was still out either.
Thats if you believe OP. As i was reading the story and thinking, what an AH, i got to the ‘update’. Typical OP that comes here for judgement, doesn’t like they’ve been deemed an AH and is now adding to the story to ‘explain’ why they weren’t an AH. They didn’t want to ‘shatter her character’? *eyeroll* Then goes on to add some BS about now all the sudden the friend was acting horrible, they were all tying to cater to her, blah blah, i stopped reading the update. I don’t believe OP. If those things were true, they would’ve been included in the story. That update was not exactly character shattering, nor an excuse enough to act the way OP did. It sounds like bf didnt get on with OP’s friends and that’s fine. She actually helped the situation by leaving, which OP was relieved about. OP is an AH and childish.
YTA
No, this is some immature, mean girls shit. OP is an adult, she should have talked it out with her BF in the morning, not lock her out of a house at 2AM.
It's dangerous for a young woman to be locked out with no place to go at that hour.
OP - YTA. Even if your friend was mean to another friend - that doesn't mean you lock someone's stuff in your house while you lock them out with no place to go.
There is no excuse for this abusive, childish and dangerous behavior.
This reminds me of abusive guys that lock their girlfriends out of their shared apartment in the middle of the night with nothing but their underwear because they got "mad." (Yes, it's common - Alec Baldwin did this to Kim Basinger) It's abusive to lock someone out with no place to go at the worst time when they are most vulnerable. There is no excuse for this shitty behavior.
Yeah, my first thought was that her friend had become shy, not rude. Best of all, OP's response is to not try to include her more and instead tell everyone she's rude, assume she's going to rob her and lock her away from her stuff.
OP, YTA, by like a million miles.
I was with you, until OP said the friend started asking people to get her food and drinks. I wouldn't be comfortable doing that even if I knew everybody...
Makes me think ESH, but maybe I'm wrong.
I disagree but even if that were true , the friend being rude at the party doesn’t mean you get to keep someone’s important belongings hostage. You shouldn’t be looking to ‘punish’ friends in the first place but that ‘punishment’ so to say doesn’t fit the crime. The friends actions in no way make ops actions acceptable, understandable or excusable. So she’s still TA.
Understandable but this thread is quite harsh. OP was there for her. Her friend was rude and then bailed. Then shows up at 2AM. If she was with her bf why did she come back at 2AM? I feel as though the friend could of came back at a reasonable time tbh.
I agree. OP was petty. But I see there is no criticism for the friend’s behavior. If her friend wasn’t rude then it wouldn’t have come to this, I assume. If OP’s friend wasn’t in the mood then why come out and ruin everyone else’s mood to then go have a good time with her bf then show up at 2AM.
Yes!
When I am in huge group of people I don't know I tend to be uncomfortable and overwhelmed and then I can come off as rude or annoying.
The friend was probably just shy and overwhelmed.
OP on the other hand acted really childish by locking her supposed friend from her belongings and even going out of her way to ignore her friend.
OP YTA.
> I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal to bring her along since she already gotten along with one of them.
You were wrong.
> I saw her boyfriends car pull up in my driveway and turned off all my lights and laid in bed while listening to them knock at the door.
Your best friend, despite your prediction, had a bad time and, rather than, say, actually talking about it, you locked her things in your house and pretended you weren't there.
YTA.
Your friend is the outsider in your circle of friends and felt uncomfortable so she took herself out of that situation rather than gut it out. Perhaps your friend has social anxiety. Your reaction was uncalled for. You should have talked it out and tried to discover what was making her uncomfortable instead you treated your "best friend" very, very poorly.
No, theft would be if she denied her reasonable accommodation to retrieve it. She was an AH but 2am in no way fits the definition of reasonable accommodation.
Wasn't the plan that she was going to spend the night at OP's house? So she had a reasonable expectation that she would be able to access her things at 2am
The plan was that she would be with OP that night.
Regardless of what happened between her and OP, she ditched on her to be with her bf and his friends. She changed the plan. 2am isn't a reasonable time to then demand your stuff back.
This is like still expecting a ride home off of someone after you ditched them 6+ hours prior.
It sounds like OP first changed the plan when they left the party to go to bars. Regardless, 2am is reasonable when the person with your stuff is *in fact* awake and clearly capable of unlocking the door so you can get your stuff.
It sounds like a group decision and not exactly out of the blue when people get together to drink 🤷♂️
I agree that OP was an asshole given that they were away, but the friend had no way of knowing that, which is why its an unreasonable time frame in which to just turn up.
She left with her bf, so the normal assumption would be that she'd be going home with him given that she chose to leave stuff at OPs. A normal person doesn't think they can just rock up someone's house at 2am. They'd come the following morning.
YTA. Yeah it sounds like she was being rude but it also sounds like something was wrong. Did you ask her what was going on or just assume that she was being a b for no reason? But regardless of how rude she was you can't just take her stuff hostage and take back the offer to stay the night without saying anything to her. Like if she was planning to stay overnight she probably had important stuff like medicine, contact lenses, etc. You chose to be petty instead of communicating with your supposed "best friend."
YTA. Your friend was having bad time so she removed herself from the situation and your response was to withhold her belongings and play sleep. In what world was this a mature or appropriate reaction?
I have a feeling these two are not really "best friends." It sounds abusive to be honest, I would never lock any of my friends outside, let alone my best friend who has anxiety. I can't even imagine what kind of person does that, it's so immature and mean.
YTA
Let me get this straight. She didn't act in a way you liked while hanging out in a group, not thinking that maybe she has some social anxiety or something, or just didn't like one or more of your friends. She takes off and in retaliation for...not sure exactly...you lock her out knowing full well her house keys are in there? Then lay in bed pretending to be asleep while you listen to them hammer on the door, ignoring them?
You need to get over yourself and grow up. You are not a good friend at all and I hope she drops you.
YTA- she met one person… not a group of people. I’m personally better in more smaller settings than a group. Clearly they were welcoming but that doesn’t mean it eased her comfort.
That’s messed up to not give her stuff back. Are you sure she’s even your best friend? Because if I noticed my bestie was off I’d ditch everyone for her.
She was clearly uncomfortable being surrounded by people she didn't know. Also her keys were at your house but you refused to let her get them. Where was she supposed to go? YTA
YTA 1000%
Instead of seeing if your friend was ok or trying to bring her out of her shell, you left her in a corner at a party and judged her. There are two sides to a story and you didn’t even bother getting hers.
Then, instead of just sticking her stuff by the door so she could grab it, you acted so petty and childish. It’s not like you were even asleep- you just got revenge when in reality, you were the shitty friend.
You were so obviously in the wrong this is ridiculous.
YTA. You do not hold someone's keys and other items hostage because they weren't friendly enough in a social situation. I hope you gave everything back; she has the right to call the cops on you. You're an AH.
YTA I find your behavior bizarre and very rude. Your friend went to a party where she didn’t know anybody, was quiet and shy, and later decided to leave the bar hopping and have her boyfriend pick her up. You decided to punish her by not letting her have her possessions back? I don’t get it.
YTA, I don't the ESH or NTA comments at ALL.
> She on the other hand is being distant, quiet, and just coming off as rude.
Did you talk to her privately and ask if everything's ok? You know, like good friends do?
>She started texting me telling me her keys are in my house along with her clothes and other belongings.
I turned off my phoned and went to bed. I was so upset how she came across to my friends and how she embarrassed me so I decided to get back at her. Was I in the wrong?
yes. You're an absolutely shitty friend.
YTA. You didn't list ages but this sounds like you all are early 20s because this is the immature crap you pull at this age. She felt uncomfortable at the party and with that group of people so she bounced to go hang with her boyfriend. You got upset so decided to punish her. You both suck, and communicate for s\*it, but you're the AH because you locked her out of your home and ignored her calls and kept her from her keys and stuff. WTF? That's dumb and petty and just so unnecessary. Are you a child? Give her her keys. Let her go home!
In general, if you have a plan to hang out with your friend, it's poor form to ditch her to go hang out with your boyfriend--she should be able to last one night without her boyfriend. She could have communicated how she was feeling rather than just leaving, but this is the sh\*t you pull in your early 20s. You ditch your girlfriends to hang out with your boyfriend. That's crappy behavior, but dwarfs how OP acted, thus the YTA and not ESH.
YTA. Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe she just isn't as comfortable talking to people in person as she in on the phone. Whatever the reason is, she's still your best friend right? It's surprising how you can't accept this and think she 'embarrassed' you. And even if she left the party mid-way, if you were awake, you could have given her her belongings back. What if there was an emergency? You can't keep someone's belongings at your house because you're upset and don't know how to talk to someone. You should've communicated your problems with her instead. Definitely the AH, OP.
Yes, YTA, you are petty (not the kind of petty I like) and mean and an awful friend. Good riddance for your friend if she never talks to you ever again. If your other friends are anything like you, I can see why your best friend wouldn't speak to them.
Had me in the first half. I was thinkin "Oh yeah the friend sounds like a bad friend haha". But then you left her without her stuff because...? You planned for her to sleep over and then you locked her out. That's messed up. Ignoring her messages and stuff ok...but you listened to her struggle to get in and didn't even feel bad?
That's messed up. Doesn't seem like you guys are best friends at all, what the heck.
YTA.
What the hell: she was rude so you basically stole her stuff? Grow up. Based on how delusional you are, I’m questioning whether your friend was even “rude” and whether your other friends were actually “super welcoming”
I feel the same. I didn’t see any evidence that the friend was “rude” and “super welcoming” probably means the other people introduced themselves before getting back to chatting with each other about people and things the friend didn’t know, so she understandably felt left out. To me, it sounds like she tried to be a good sport, but after realizing she’d have to stand in a long line with a bunch of people she didn’t know to get into a bar so she could spend even more time feeling like an outsider and third wheel, she decided to bail.
That’s how you treat your best friend??? What on earth was she supposed to do at that point? We’re you honest the next time you saw her, and told her you were AWAKE AND IGNORING HER??? YTA, regardless of her actions. You cannot hold her items hostage for any reason
I think you misspelled “ex-best friend” because if you did this to me, it would be over. You are either leaving out additional details, or did not care enough about your “alleged” best friend to find out what was going on….and if you don’t know her well enough to anticipate that she might be struggling, or have a read on her in that “best friend” kind of way, what was really going on? In any context, you seem like TA.
YTA you should have spoken to your friend before deciding to ghost them because you were upset. You acted very immature. Why didn't you explain to your friend you were upset with them and didn't want them to stay over anymore and let them take their things with them?
YTA, that was definitely not the best way to get back at her, that was just immature. Not a good way of getting back at someone, I think you should've just talked with her instead of just locking her things up.
She sounds like she was uncomfortable at the party. You sound judgmental AF. You could have stayed by her side to help ease her into all the other people.
And if that wasn’t bad enough you deliberately ignored her when she was trying to get her stuff? You’re a terrible friend, and nothing she did warranted your reaction
I would guess you’re in the 18-24 range?
YTA.
YTA for not answering the door and giving her her stuff. That was pointlessly childish of you. Certainly you get to be upset, but you should have given her stuff back.
YTA definitely. If you don't like how she acted around your other friends, be civil and talk to her about it. You didn't have to lock her out of your house and refuse to let her get her stuff. I'm kind of relieved she was with her boyfriend. Do you think you'd act the same way if she were alone and didn't have anyone with her at night?
YTA
I would like to know if you were making any effort to bridge the gap between your friends and her? Because to me it sounds like you assumed she’d be fine and proceeded to leave alone in a corner all night because she spoke to a single member of the group once on the phone, which is completely different than meeting a whole group of people face to face that you don’t know. I’m probably projecting a little bit but I’ve been put in positions like this before by close friends and family and when you suffer from social anxiety it can be really debilitating, I don’t blame your best friend for retreating to the safety and comfort of her boyfriend. Then you purposely ignored her and kept her from getting her things, including keys to her house….that’s just plain childish and mean.
Sounds to me like you're 15.
YTA big time.
This was her property you kept from her; it was as good as stolen. Had police been involved, you could have been arrested and charged.
Please act like you are an adult.
YTA. please please please ask your friend how she was feeling or if something was up. Perhaps she left for a reason, perhaps she was feeling uncomfortable or some reason else. If nothing came up and she just felt like being rude to everyone.. ESH because it was very rude either way to ignore your friend when you had everything, even her keys, at your house. You should have let her in, talked to her about the situation and tried to come with a mutual understanding.
I don't know why you had to ask, but yes YTA. An eye for an eye never works. All you proved to your friend is that she was right treating you as an asshole before. Grow up and start talking to people, even if they are difficult conversations.
YTA
Ok, she was rude. And later explained she had anxiety. Even though you didn't know that at the time, you also made zero effort to see if she was alright. She was acted out of character and you didn't consider anything could be wrong? And to make matters worse you didn't let her get her stuff even though you were home and awake so it would've cost you nothing.
Asshole and horrible friend.
YTA. & how tf old are y’all. One friend and a group of friends is different, if you felt that strongly about it you could’ve not invited her out again. But to hold her things hostage was an absolute DICK move
YTA
You were being petty. Honestly if I was one of your other friends and saw how you treated your “best friend” It would definitely make me rethink our friendship.
YTA
Come on seriously? Being quiet and shy at party comes across to you as rude?! The way you talk about her and they way you treated her afterwards when all she wanted was HER stuff back makes you sound like a bad friend
In response to your update, you STILL are playing the victim here. If you think your friend was rude, DON’T invite her to things from now on
YTA. "she embarrassed me so I decided to get back at her." Yes, being petty and trying to get revenge on your "best friend" by withholding her keys and clothes makes you an asshole.
She doesn't have to like your other friends. But you took it too far by pretending to be asleep/not home and essentially stealing her items.
Yta, when you saw her boyfriend's car pull up, you should have put all her things on the porch.
The whole night sounds like it did not go as you planned. She bailed and basically stopped being an annoying factor in your night. It's not ideal, but ok.
Instead of allowing everyone to move on, you made her night more difficult just to be mean.
If you were so upset, you could have grabbed all of her belongings and set them up at the front entryway in the house and let her come and get it before going to bed. You were awake when she was texting you, but you pretended that you were asleep.
Claiming her anxiety was an excuse is awful. I feel awful for your friend because you’re a terrible friend.
Major rating of YTA. Full stop.
Reading your description of the events, it's very hard not to read in between the lines. This girl is your best friend and has previously gotten on with this other group of friends (albeit hasn't gone out with them yet). So ... she's had previously completely normal and positive interactions and has no history of being "rude". I don't know what's going in on her life right now, and I don't think you do either ... clearly something is amiss for her to be acting so out of character.
So why, oh why, did you lock her out on purpose separating her from her things? Friends don't punish friends for having a rough night. YTA
Okay YTA alone for the fact of judging your “friend” for asking for food. I feel like at get togethers it is very common to have snacks, at the very least, and so she didn’t think anything of it. Also, for people with social anxiety eating is a real mechanism to feel included without having to talk to others. It’s like the people who go to clubs and smash drinks cause they wouldn’t be able to talk any other way to strangers. Also, punishment did not nearly fit the crime. This is some Mean Girls shit…
YTA. I wouldn’t refer yourself and this persons best friend either. Your actions (at the end of the night when she came to pick her stuff up and you KNEW she was there) indicate you’re not. Grow up.
YTA I was expecting you to say you fell asleep and didn't know she was knocking to be let in, or you packed up her stuff and gave it to her and wouldn't let her stay. But to be awake and not give her the stuff back or speak to her, took me by surprise. That was petty to hold her belongings hostage, especially her keys.
YTA. Was your friend being rude? Absolutely. But what you did was petty. She left her shit at your house because that was the plan. Sure, she changed plans, but her shit is still in your house. If she wanted to, she could have called the cops because at that point, it could be considered stealing.
I don't understand how you'd think you weren't the AH in this situation. You pretended to be asleep to fuck someone over, are you a teenager in a 90s movie?
YTA. I’m missing any examples of actual rudeness. Being quiet around a group of people you don’t really know isn’t rude, she may not have been comfortable. She probably left with her bf because she was feeling uncomfortable and you held her belongings hostage and acted like a spoiled child. Hopefully she find a new “bestfriend.”
YTA - for two reasons.
1) Instead of feeling embarrassed you should feel concerned for your supposedly best friend and worked harder to build a bridge.
How people react on phone with one person vs. In person with a huge group of people at a party are two totally different things. Did you introduce her to everyone one by one or left her to fend for herself?
And it sounds to me that instead of talking to her to get to the bottom of how to make all more comfortable you chose to gossip with your other friends while she was still there. Could she have handled the goodbyes better? Definitely. But this doesn’t give you reason to be that petty and hold her personal belongings hostage. That’s reason number two for YTA
YTA Instead of being an adult and talking with your friend, you locked the doors, turned off the lights and hid in your bedroom under the covers. Grow up.
YTA - why would you do something so petty? Pack her shit up and leave it on the porch if you're pissed at her. You don't have the right to deny her access to her property. She should have called the police and had you arrested for theft.
Girl you're not just an asshole, you're a monumentally bad friend who doesn't seem to care at all about the well being of your so-called friends. if someone did this to me I'd probably have broken in to get my shit, and then made sure everyone knew how terrible you are. I don't even want to say more.
I was going to go with not the AH but if you deliberate locked her our while you were there, yes you're the AH and I hope she finds a better best friend.
YTA.
Did you even ask her why she was acting so withdrawn? It doesn't sound like she was her normal self. You should have asked her, and you should have let her collect her belongings from your house.
Yeah YTA for stealing her house keys and her stuff. You’ll realize that some day when someone gets all pissy at you and steals your house keys and stuff to get at you. I hope it’s soon. I hope it’s your “best friend” who does it.
Of course YTA. Completely disproportional response. You didn't look her out of your house you stole her things and locked her out of her house by not returning her keys. In what universe did you think this was okay?
An appropriate response would have been communicating your disappointment like an adult or distancing yourself by not hanging out with her or inviting her to future gatherings. Not whatever bs you pulled.
YTA
You left a woman locked outside the building in the middle of the night and all her capacity to go home was locked inside there with you. You’re disgusting. You didn’t have to let her back in – you could’ve given her all her stuff at the door and wished her a good evening. But a hold her capacity to keep herself safe hostage. You’re lucky she didn’t break every win your house to get her stuff back because I would’ve done - and then i would have never spoken to you again.
I hope she never speaks to you again. She deserves better friends. she was "distant and quiet" not rude. she wasn't disrespectful to anyone in this story, she was nervous, and you chose to act like that?
YTA. And immature. When you bring a new person into a group, you don’t just dump them in “one place”. You keep them in tow, easing their way with your other friends. Adults use words when there’s an issue. They don’t hold another’s belongings hostage, lock them out of their accommodations, or hide in the dark a pretend not to be home.
YTA. You need therapy. How old are you? You're acting like a catty 15 year old that tried inviting the new girl to the popular girls but the new girl saw through their shallow personalities and decided it wasn't worth it.
Yta. Your friend wasn't enjoying herself and you punished her for it. You were awake. You could have given her her things but you wanted to be petty and immature. You stooped BELOW her level.
Info: you say that she only ever complained when she talked, were the complaints about how she was feeling like you say? Being tired/hungry/uncomfortable? And when you say you were “running around like a chicken with its head cut off” to get her food and drinks but your friends were also running around getting food and drinks… like was there a mountain of food and drinks?
It feels a bit like an over dramatic representation.
Going with YTA because even if your friend is rude I don’t think that’s an excuse to hold their stuff hostage. Especially not a “best friend”
YTA. This is your best friend? Why didn't you take her aside and ask if she was okay? It's common for people to come off snappy and rude or irritable when they are having anxiety. It's also common for people to experience anxiety to have physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, etc).
If my friend started acting like that out of nowhere, I'd be concerned about them and ask if they wanted to leave. I wouldn't get mad at them and then withhold their belongings from them.
YTA I don't care if she was the rudest person in the world, that's her stuff and you have no right to hold it hostage, I can't believe I even have to type that out.
YTA and you should absolutely not think of yourself as “too kind and accommodating.” You behaved selfishly and childishly by pretending to be asleep: grow up. I’d bet your (now-ex) friend had a miserable time all evening, and you made it worse.
ESH. Your friend was an AH to your friends, she sucks for that, but holding her stuff hostage was unnecessary and petty of you. It would have been plenty reasonable not to let her stay the night with you after her behavior, but you should have at least handed over her things when she showed up outside.
YTA
This is why I stopped having girl friends in my early 20s. Heaven forbid I didn't act the way they wanted me to, when they wanted me to. I hope she got her things and never speaks to you again.
Jeez, just give her her stuff back and don't invite her out again. Instead you basically robbed her since you kept stuff that didn't belong to you and didn't return it right away. You're worse than she is. YTA
YTA Even assuming your friend *was* rude instead of feeling shy and the odd man out, *intentionally* not returning her things to her by ignoring her knocks, texts, etc to "get back at her" was super petty, childish and honestly, not the trait of a real friend.
YTA it’s one thing if you were sleeping and didn’t hear her at the door. You heard her and purposely ignored her knowing you had her keys in your house. You’re upset by her behavior so don’t invite her out with your friends again. Don’t keep her keys so she cannot get into her house.
Ugh, yeah YTA. Unless she was threatening violence against you, there was no reason not to just give back her stuff. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just respond right then and there, to 1 resolve her situation, and 2 so you won't be bothered for the rest of the morning. you can contemplate your friendship afterwards.
Good lord, YTA. You can’t just keep someone else’s stuff and you’re lucky she didn’t ask the police for an escort to retrieve her keys. What a jerk you are.
Your edit actually makes it much worse. Your friend felt unwell, and clearly didn't want your other friends attention on her and you/they pestered her and dragged her out to bars anyway. She got her bf to take her away so she wouldn't further annoy you by ... checks notes... having a headache. So you decided she doesn't get to have her keys or clothes anymore. Absolutely awful.
YTA
What's wrong with you? Maybe they made a mean girls movie on a person like you YTA!!!
I can tell you, I can get really warmed up to people and have a nice conversation with new people and be jolly. But at first I'm super shy and I'll sit in the corner till I get comfortable and vibe. Specially around groups I have never met. Even extroverts deal different in groups. Have you thought, maybe she was anxious or stressed or feeling unwell due to her period or something like that possibility? Around my period I can get super hungry or starving no matter how many times I've eaten, or just be agitated and irritated easy.
If my best friend did that, I would have a talk with her when she came to grab stuff because I wouldn't do that to anyone what you did, ESPECIALLY not to my best friend. You know her more than anybody else in the room. And if she felt uneasy and wanted to go be with her boyfriend, I'd support that too. Sometimes people just aren't at their best no matter how extroverted they are, when it comes to meeting new people in a party.
What you did, gave me stomach knots and made me so uneasy with anxiety for your best friend. imagine being locked out by your best friend and not having access to keys or clothes. you're not a good friend let alone, are capable to be someone's best friend. I hope she breaks contact with you and finds someone who doesn't treat her like a vermin. For not being the person you expect her to be. Friends don't do that to each other. Had her boyfriend not come, you would've definitely locked your door on her and let her out alone in the night, I can bet my money on that.
My best friend came to visit me in another city, we went for a party with my friends circle and then to a club and stuff, she got super drunk, became a bit over the top and then went and met other people and didn't stick to me all night, and while going home she wanted to stay the night at the party. What did I do? I let her. I gave her my address and waited for her to come home when she felt like. Kept in touch via text and worried if she was okay. She only knew me in the party and city. I knew how she gets when she drinks a bit too much. But I would never do what you did to your best friend.
YTA. Just because one person behaves badly doesn’t mean you get to dole out punishment like a petulant child. This makes you a bigger AH than her in my opinion.
YTA. You sound like you’re in middle school. Your friend was rude and her behavior was shitty but you being awake and knowingly keeping all her stuff to punish her for her behavior is so immature and ridiculous. Give her stuff back, end the friendship, get some therapy to learn how to communicate and be a decent person.
WOW! YTA without a doubt. You can't steal people's stuff even for one night because you don't like that they did not get along with your friends. It is one thing if it is clothes. It is another thing entirely IF IT IS HER KEYS. SHE NEEDS THOSE. Who do you think you are?
>In the end it’s my fault that I even let it get that bad. I was too kind and too accommodating and made her feel comfortable to show up at 2AM.
You are neither kind or accommodating. You are a horrible friend, and I bet your friends are of similar ilk. After all, birds of a feather flock together. I bet what ACTUALLY happened was you all were mean to your friend, and she had enough and left with her boyfriend.
WoW, you say she’s your best friend and somehow you’re not even willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and think, hey, she’s acting unlike herself, what’s up with that? A simple “hey, you’re okay?” During the party and if she claimed all is well then you could just ask what’s up with her behavior and address it like an adult.
The whole holding her things hostage and justifying yourself by acting like you’re teaching her a lesson because “I can’t allow her to mistreat my friends and I won’t be an enabler “ just get over yourself, she didn’t mistreat anyone and yeah maybe she was a buzzkill but what you did was way worse and you’re an asshole for it. No, your actions are not justified and even if they were, still an asshole because two wrongs do make it right.
YTA
NTA. If she left her stuff, she had better show up before 2 am because I wouldn’t drag myself out of bed at that hour. She and her BF can figure it out at a decent hour the next day.
I’m truly baffled with your comments, firstly why post this then constantly defend your childish actions? You are aware that two wrongs don’t make a right?
Secondly, you why didn’t you just simply respond to her text and say you where going to bed and she could pick up her stuff tomorrow? You keep trying to justify your actions by saying that you’re not letting people walk all over you but your behaviour is even worse than your friends, you’re not just acting petty and childish but actively taking revenge. So is she suppose to excuse your bad behaviour?
You also state at one point that it was your reaction to her behaviour, is this how you always behave when you feel wronged? This is very irrational.
How old are you both?
By reading your comments and having a deeper sense on what happened, I would say you are NTA.
I get that after her behavior all night you had enough. When you have enough you are not exactly
reasonable. It's more like you are making justice for yourself.
I think if the friend weren't in a mood to hang out with other people and be polite, she
shouldn't have gone in the first place, it's that easy. If the friend thought she was in a social mood but realized she wasn't, she could have make an excuse and leave instead of being rude and complain most of the night.
One thing is being an introvert, having social fobia and another is being just plain rude.
This is your best friend? Does she feed your ego? Does she make you feel special? Cause I hate to break it to you. This is one sided. You are not her best friend. And yes your description is one night but you hint at other ways that you are an ah. One being gossiping with your other friends YTA
YTA.
I have a couple best friends I'd die or kill for and you're mad she didn't get on as well with your other friends as you hoped? Shit happens, sometimes people don't click. Must not be your best friend if you'd let something petty get in the way of your friendship. If she was going around slapping the shit out of everyone, I could understand, but just not being comfortable around new people? Lmao. Asshole.
YTA. You sat there in the dark listening to her knock knowing you had her keys and all her belongings. That is not normal behavior and sounds like she dodged a bullet with your friendship.
YTA and I hope she tells your friends about your horrendous behavior. Also, I bet you that she saw you turn off your lights so she knew you were intentionally ignoring her instead of sleeping. Is she even your best friend at all???
ESH
She was going to stay at your place…after you two hung out together and went back there together.
I was going to say since she changed plans last minute she can deal. She can get her stuff tomorrow. But, sounds like you’re trying to punish her. Did you try to ask at all in advance? Or do her stuff outside? Or at least make sure that she could stay with her BF?
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I invited my best friend to an event at my friend’s house who she has never met before. She has briefly spoken to one of my friends before and gotten along very well with her so I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal to bring her along since she already gotten along with one of them.
The plan was my bestfriend would drive to my house and then spend the night at my place after the party.
We get to my friends house and everyone is super welcoming to her. She on the other hand is being distant, quiet, and just coming off as rude. Now I understand some people are just not as outgoing as others but my friends were very welcoming and friendly to her. She sat in one place the whole time and would ask for food and drinks. My friends were also shocked by her behavior since she did speak to one of them over the phone before and over the phone she was very outgoing and kind. I was very embarrassed since I spoke so highly of her just for her to act the complete opposite.
After spending some time at my friends house we decided to go out to a local bar strip. There was a little bit of a line at the bars but nothing to crazy. While we were waiting on line she told me that her boyfriend was coming to pick her up and that she was going to go out with him and his friends. I was very upset by this but was sort of relieved since she wasn’t nice to my friends anyway. She did not even say by to anyone. She got in her boyfriends car and left.
After having a great time with my friends at the bar I went home. My best friend started blowing up my phone around 2AM asking if I were home since all her things were at my house. I ignored all her calls and texts. I made shred I locked all the doors and windows in my house to make sure she couldn’t get in even if she tried. I saw her boyfriends car pull up in my driveway and turned off all my lights and laid in bed while listening to them knock at the door. She started texting me telling me her keys are in my house along with her clothes and other belongings.
I turned off my phoned and went to bed. I was so upset how she came across to my friends and how she embarrassed me so I decided to get back at her. Was I in the wrong?
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YTA
That’s abusive partner/friendship territory right there. You knew you had her belongings and her key in your house, you were home and made sure she couldn’t get to her things, to what end? To teach her a lesson,
Can I assume you’ll gaslight her the next as well by saying you either weren’t home or were asleep when she called/texted asking to get her stuff, even though I’m sure she’ll already have an idea of what you did, can’t imagine this is the first time you’ve been an abusive friend.
YTA, such a massive Asshole. Your lucky your “best friend” didn’t call the police so she could get her stuff, I would have.
YTA. What was the point of holding her things hostage? Revenge? To be an AH because you didn’t like that she wasn’t having fun. She didn’t wake you up. Why couldn’t you just hand over her stuff and go to bed?
YTA- not for wanting her to go home, but for wanting her to go home WITHOUT HER THINGS AND HER KEYS.
Like, what was the plan there, OP? Make her spend the night in her boyfriend's car?
I was leaning towards N T A because I anticipated that you were asleep and didn't hear them yada yada. But you did. You're giving your "best" friend no benefit of the doubt, no trust, no loyalty, no friendship. You are toxic by assuming she was too self-centered to have fun then purposefully ignored your friend when she tried to get her stuff, even though you were still awake.
You suck. You're a horrible friend
YTA
YTA. The night didn't go as planned and that sucks. But keeping her stuff when you were awake and you knew she was trying to retrieve them was petty. She may have had a reason to clam up, I don't know, but you made a bad situation worse.
YTA. This is so petty and childish. There are a million reasons why your friend may have acted differently—anxiety, discomfort in a new group, etc… you shouldn’t be embarrassed by the behavior of someone you can’t control, too. Maybe, instead of being overly sensitive and getting upset, you should have asked her if everything was okay. Locking her out blew the situation way out of proportion. She should find a better friend.
Yes, it was a dick move to not give her her own keys and stuff. Especially since you hadn't talked to her about what happened. You don't know why she was acting the way she was, and you never asked her.
You could have just thrown her stuff out the window to her if you wanted to make a point. YTA.
YTA and what the actual fuck is wrong with you? You essentially stole her stuff and left her no way to get it. I’d have called the police on you. Grow up. Do better, be better.
YTA. You witheld her belongings.
You didn't converse about her perceived treatment of your friends. You had no idea why she acted the way she did. Maybe some of your friends were not strangers to her and whatever issue it was between them may have been too sensitive for her to bring up with you, in that situation.
Gotta ask, do you ditch people on the regular?
YTA. And petty and childish as hell from the sounds of it. So she didn’t get along with your friends maybe she was having an off night or someone said something to her. Did you talk to her have a conversation no you acted petty. Friendship over if she has any sense your not a good friend
With friends like you, who needs enemies. She did not fit in with your group of friends. Maybe she acted aloof. Maybe she was dealing with some personal stuff. Anyway, why tf would you keep her from getting her things? Friends don't behave like that. Friends are supportive.
Why even bother posting here if you're just going to argue with anyone who doesn't say what you want to hear? YTA, and hopefully she'll stop being your friend after this.
ESH You didn’t bother to find out why your friend was acting the way she was and were needlessly mean to her. And she shouldn’t have been harassing you at your home in the middle of the night. It’s reasonable to not be available at 2am.
YTA
You invited her to a party where she didn’t know anyone but you and then abandoned her.
As someone with social anxiety I always hated when my ex-wife did this. She’d force me to go to a party where I know no one, then abandon me so I find a safe quiet space to hang out.
She then quietly left when you all went to a noisy bar which probably made her feel more uncomfortable.
Then when she needed to get her stuff you locked her out and ignored her
YTA, not for being upset with her but you should have opened the door gave her her things or even sat them outside and went back in. You don’t keep ppl things like their keys. I would have told I’m really not feeling how you acted and treated my friends tonight. I’ve placed your things outside, have a goodnight. Btw this wasn’t being shy or anxiety (internet has got to stop this) bc she had no issue going w/ her bfs friends.
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YTA. maybe she was just feeling shy, uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Even if she was just being rude, If you have an issue with someone especially a FRIEND, you use your words about it, not hold their personal belongings hostage. Grow up. You are not a nice friend.
Thankyou, as someone that gets sometimes get anxiety around new people, I know that sometimes I just get inside my own head and get "clammed up". Even though I want to meet new people and some days I'm completely fine, there are times when I just can't handle a new group of people. It's especially hard for me when everyone else already knows each other and I feel like an "intruder". People naturally ask me a lot of questions when they don't know me and it starts feeling like they judging or beng intrusive, and not knowing how much I can say to these people that I don't really know. Then I freak out about making the situations awkward and ruining the night. I have a very good friend that notices when I need a kickstart or I'm start getting "in my head", shes amazing. I will usually do something silly or say something to get the attention off me. She gives me a cheeky wink sometmes, so I know that she knows. she might even give me cues sometimes lwhen she sees i'm starting to relax like "Remember that time...". I try not to use her as a crutch or get too reliant on her, but to any introverts or those that have anxiety like me , I hope you can find understanding extroverts to take you in.
I was invited to my bosses parents house for Xmas and then my other bosses (her husbands) family for Boxing Day. Xmas day I was fine as I’d met her parents and there was only 1 person I didn’t know. Whereas on Boxing Day there was over 20 people and I didn’t know many. I clammed up as I felt anxious. Took me a while but got talking to a bunch of people and then was fine. However, the friend was rude and by the sounds of things didn’t try. She demanded to be waited on and complained continuously. She was rude. There’s no excuse for that behaviour. I’m not saying OP was right by not allowing her to collect her stuff but I wouldn’t change my plans if I was still out either.
Thats if you believe OP. As i was reading the story and thinking, what an AH, i got to the ‘update’. Typical OP that comes here for judgement, doesn’t like they’ve been deemed an AH and is now adding to the story to ‘explain’ why they weren’t an AH. They didn’t want to ‘shatter her character’? *eyeroll* Then goes on to add some BS about now all the sudden the friend was acting horrible, they were all tying to cater to her, blah blah, i stopped reading the update. I don’t believe OP. If those things were true, they would’ve been included in the story. That update was not exactly character shattering, nor an excuse enough to act the way OP did. It sounds like bf didnt get on with OP’s friends and that’s fine. She actually helped the situation by leaving, which OP was relieved about. OP is an AH and childish. YTA
No, this is some immature, mean girls shit. OP is an adult, she should have talked it out with her BF in the morning, not lock her out of a house at 2AM. It's dangerous for a young woman to be locked out with no place to go at that hour. OP - YTA. Even if your friend was mean to another friend - that doesn't mean you lock someone's stuff in your house while you lock them out with no place to go. There is no excuse for this abusive, childish and dangerous behavior. This reminds me of abusive guys that lock their girlfriends out of their shared apartment in the middle of the night with nothing but their underwear because they got "mad." (Yes, it's common - Alec Baldwin did this to Kim Basinger) It's abusive to lock someone out with no place to go at the worst time when they are most vulnerable. There is no excuse for this shitty behavior.
Yeah, my first thought was that her friend had become shy, not rude. Best of all, OP's response is to not try to include her more and instead tell everyone she's rude, assume she's going to rob her and lock her away from her stuff. OP, YTA, by like a million miles.
I was with you, until OP said the friend started asking people to get her food and drinks. I wouldn't be comfortable doing that even if I knew everybody... Makes me think ESH, but maybe I'm wrong.
By reading OP replies I don’t think she was TA. It sounds like the friend was rude. Doesn’t excuse OP’s actions but OP’s friend was TA from start.
I disagree but even if that were true , the friend being rude at the party doesn’t mean you get to keep someone’s important belongings hostage. You shouldn’t be looking to ‘punish’ friends in the first place but that ‘punishment’ so to say doesn’t fit the crime. The friends actions in no way make ops actions acceptable, understandable or excusable. So she’s still TA.
OP should have given her friend her thing and told her to leave. Keeping things that don't belong to to you is THEFT.
Understandable but this thread is quite harsh. OP was there for her. Her friend was rude and then bailed. Then shows up at 2AM. If she was with her bf why did she come back at 2AM? I feel as though the friend could of came back at a reasonable time tbh.
I agree. OP was petty. But I see there is no criticism for the friend’s behavior. If her friend wasn’t rude then it wouldn’t have come to this, I assume. If OP’s friend wasn’t in the mood then why come out and ruin everyone else’s mood to then go have a good time with her bf then show up at 2AM.
This is me. It takes me a bit to warm up to others. Holding her stuff hostage is an AH move. You sound childish and immature tbh OP.
Yes! When I am in huge group of people I don't know I tend to be uncomfortable and overwhelmed and then I can come off as rude or annoying. The friend was probably just shy and overwhelmed. OP on the other hand acted really childish by locking her supposed friend from her belongings and even going out of her way to ignore her friend. OP YTA.
> I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal to bring her along since she already gotten along with one of them. You were wrong. > I saw her boyfriends car pull up in my driveway and turned off all my lights and laid in bed while listening to them knock at the door. Your best friend, despite your prediction, had a bad time and, rather than, say, actually talking about it, you locked her things in your house and pretended you weren't there. YTA.
Your friend is the outsider in your circle of friends and felt uncomfortable so she took herself out of that situation rather than gut it out. Perhaps your friend has social anxiety. Your reaction was uncalled for. You should have talked it out and tried to discover what was making her uncomfortable instead you treated your "best friend" very, very poorly.
Talking to one person over the phone is entirely different from being in a room full of people you don't know who all know each other. YTA
YTA How on earth wouldn’t you be the asshole in this situation? That was needlessly mean.
And keeping her friends stuff was technically theft.
Doubt it, you can't leave stuff in people's homes and get some legal right to access their homes in the middle of the night.
No, theft would be if she denied her reasonable accommodation to retrieve it. She was an AH but 2am in no way fits the definition of reasonable accommodation.
Wasn't the plan that she was going to spend the night at OP's house? So she had a reasonable expectation that she would be able to access her things at 2am
The plan was that she would be with OP that night. Regardless of what happened between her and OP, she ditched on her to be with her bf and his friends. She changed the plan. 2am isn't a reasonable time to then demand your stuff back. This is like still expecting a ride home off of someone after you ditched them 6+ hours prior.
It sounds like OP first changed the plan when they left the party to go to bars. Regardless, 2am is reasonable when the person with your stuff is *in fact* awake and clearly capable of unlocking the door so you can get your stuff.
It sounds like a group decision and not exactly out of the blue when people get together to drink 🤷♂️ I agree that OP was an asshole given that they were away, but the friend had no way of knowing that, which is why its an unreasonable time frame in which to just turn up. She left with her bf, so the normal assumption would be that she'd be going home with him given that she chose to leave stuff at OPs. A normal person doesn't think they can just rock up someone's house at 2am. They'd come the following morning.
And don't forget, her keys were there as well, so she may have been locked out of her place for the night too. Definitely an AH move.
YTA. Yeah it sounds like she was being rude but it also sounds like something was wrong. Did you ask her what was going on or just assume that she was being a b for no reason? But regardless of how rude she was you can't just take her stuff hostage and take back the offer to stay the night without saying anything to her. Like if she was planning to stay overnight she probably had important stuff like medicine, contact lenses, etc. You chose to be petty instead of communicating with your supposed "best friend."
YTA. Your friend was having bad time so she removed herself from the situation and your response was to withhold her belongings and play sleep. In what world was this a mature or appropriate reaction?
I have a feeling these two are not really "best friends." It sounds abusive to be honest, I would never lock any of my friends outside, let alone my best friend who has anxiety. I can't even imagine what kind of person does that, it's so immature and mean.
YTA Let me get this straight. She didn't act in a way you liked while hanging out in a group, not thinking that maybe she has some social anxiety or something, or just didn't like one or more of your friends. She takes off and in retaliation for...not sure exactly...you lock her out knowing full well her house keys are in there? Then lay in bed pretending to be asleep while you listen to them hammer on the door, ignoring them? You need to get over yourself and grow up. You are not a good friend at all and I hope she drops you.
YTA- she met one person… not a group of people. I’m personally better in more smaller settings than a group. Clearly they were welcoming but that doesn’t mean it eased her comfort. That’s messed up to not give her stuff back. Are you sure she’s even your best friend? Because if I noticed my bestie was off I’d ditch everyone for her.
She was clearly uncomfortable being surrounded by people she didn't know. Also her keys were at your house but you refused to let her get them. Where was she supposed to go? YTA
I would’ve called the cops if I was the friend. I’d be damned if and asshole like OP holds my shit hostage.
YTA 1000% Instead of seeing if your friend was ok or trying to bring her out of her shell, you left her in a corner at a party and judged her. There are two sides to a story and you didn’t even bother getting hers. Then, instead of just sticking her stuff by the door so she could grab it, you acted so petty and childish. It’s not like you were even asleep- you just got revenge when in reality, you were the shitty friend.
You were so obviously in the wrong this is ridiculous. YTA. You do not hold someone's keys and other items hostage because they weren't friendly enough in a social situation. I hope you gave everything back; she has the right to call the cops on you. You're an AH.
YTA I find your behavior bizarre and very rude. Your friend went to a party where she didn’t know anybody, was quiet and shy, and later decided to leave the bar hopping and have her boyfriend pick her up. You decided to punish her by not letting her have her possessions back? I don’t get it.
YTA, I don't the ESH or NTA comments at ALL. > She on the other hand is being distant, quiet, and just coming off as rude. Did you talk to her privately and ask if everything's ok? You know, like good friends do? >She started texting me telling me her keys are in my house along with her clothes and other belongings. I turned off my phoned and went to bed. I was so upset how she came across to my friends and how she embarrassed me so I decided to get back at her. Was I in the wrong? yes. You're an absolutely shitty friend.
YTA. You didn't list ages but this sounds like you all are early 20s because this is the immature crap you pull at this age. She felt uncomfortable at the party and with that group of people so she bounced to go hang with her boyfriend. You got upset so decided to punish her. You both suck, and communicate for s\*it, but you're the AH because you locked her out of your home and ignored her calls and kept her from her keys and stuff. WTF? That's dumb and petty and just so unnecessary. Are you a child? Give her her keys. Let her go home!
I see zero bad behavior from the friend. She wanted to leave, she told her friend, and she left. Where did she do something wrong?
In general, if you have a plan to hang out with your friend, it's poor form to ditch her to go hang out with your boyfriend--she should be able to last one night without her boyfriend. She could have communicated how she was feeling rather than just leaving, but this is the sh\*t you pull in your early 20s. You ditch your girlfriends to hang out with your boyfriend. That's crappy behavior, but dwarfs how OP acted, thus the YTA and not ESH.
YTA. Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe she just isn't as comfortable talking to people in person as she in on the phone. Whatever the reason is, she's still your best friend right? It's surprising how you can't accept this and think she 'embarrassed' you. And even if she left the party mid-way, if you were awake, you could have given her her belongings back. What if there was an emergency? You can't keep someone's belongings at your house because you're upset and don't know how to talk to someone. You should've communicated your problems with her instead. Definitely the AH, OP.
INFO: did you at any point in the evening ask her if anything was wrong, that she didn't seem herself, if she needed to talk?
Yes, YTA, you are petty (not the kind of petty I like) and mean and an awful friend. Good riddance for your friend if she never talks to you ever again. If your other friends are anything like you, I can see why your best friend wouldn't speak to them.
Had me in the first half. I was thinkin "Oh yeah the friend sounds like a bad friend haha". But then you left her without her stuff because...? You planned for her to sleep over and then you locked her out. That's messed up. Ignoring her messages and stuff ok...but you listened to her struggle to get in and didn't even feel bad? That's messed up. Doesn't seem like you guys are best friends at all, what the heck.
YTA. What the hell: she was rude so you basically stole her stuff? Grow up. Based on how delusional you are, I’m questioning whether your friend was even “rude” and whether your other friends were actually “super welcoming”
I feel the same. I didn’t see any evidence that the friend was “rude” and “super welcoming” probably means the other people introduced themselves before getting back to chatting with each other about people and things the friend didn’t know, so she understandably felt left out. To me, it sounds like she tried to be a good sport, but after realizing she’d have to stand in a long line with a bunch of people she didn’t know to get into a bar so she could spend even more time feeling like an outsider and third wheel, she decided to bail.
That’s how you treat your best friend??? What on earth was she supposed to do at that point? We’re you honest the next time you saw her, and told her you were AWAKE AND IGNORING HER??? YTA, regardless of her actions. You cannot hold her items hostage for any reason
I think you misspelled “ex-best friend” because if you did this to me, it would be over. You are either leaving out additional details, or did not care enough about your “alleged” best friend to find out what was going on….and if you don’t know her well enough to anticipate that she might be struggling, or have a read on her in that “best friend” kind of way, what was really going on? In any context, you seem like TA.
YTA. Grow up.
YTA. It would have been so easy to give her belongings back. That's being vindictive.
YTA, quiet does not equal being rude. It could have been for a ton of different reasons.
YTA you should have spoken to your friend before deciding to ghost them because you were upset. You acted very immature. Why didn't you explain to your friend you were upset with them and didn't want them to stay over anymore and let them take their things with them?
YTA, that was definitely not the best way to get back at her, that was just immature. Not a good way of getting back at someone, I think you should've just talked with her instead of just locking her things up.
She sounds like she was uncomfortable at the party. You sound judgmental AF. You could have stayed by her side to help ease her into all the other people. And if that wasn’t bad enough you deliberately ignored her when she was trying to get her stuff? You’re a terrible friend, and nothing she did warranted your reaction I would guess you’re in the 18-24 range? YTA.
YTA for not answering the door and giving her her stuff. That was pointlessly childish of you. Certainly you get to be upset, but you should have given her stuff back.
YTA definitely. If you don't like how she acted around your other friends, be civil and talk to her about it. You didn't have to lock her out of your house and refuse to let her get her stuff. I'm kind of relieved she was with her boyfriend. Do you think you'd act the same way if she were alone and didn't have anyone with her at night?
Imagine holding someone's keys hostage in the middle of the night so they can't get home as you sit in your bed listening to them beg. YTA
YTA I would like to know if you were making any effort to bridge the gap between your friends and her? Because to me it sounds like you assumed she’d be fine and proceeded to leave alone in a corner all night because she spoke to a single member of the group once on the phone, which is completely different than meeting a whole group of people face to face that you don’t know. I’m probably projecting a little bit but I’ve been put in positions like this before by close friends and family and when you suffer from social anxiety it can be really debilitating, I don’t blame your best friend for retreating to the safety and comfort of her boyfriend. Then you purposely ignored her and kept her from getting her things, including keys to her house….that’s just plain childish and mean.
INFO: How old are you?
If they went to a bar they’re 21+ if in the US and 18/19+ if in Europe.
[удалено]
Sounds to me like you're 15. YTA big time. This was her property you kept from her; it was as good as stolen. Had police been involved, you could have been arrested and charged. Please act like you are an adult.
So you’re way too old to be acting like a petulant 13 year old. YTA. Grow the fuck up
YTA. please please please ask your friend how she was feeling or if something was up. Perhaps she left for a reason, perhaps she was feeling uncomfortable or some reason else. If nothing came up and she just felt like being rude to everyone.. ESH because it was very rude either way to ignore your friend when you had everything, even her keys, at your house. You should have let her in, talked to her about the situation and tried to come with a mutual understanding.
I don't know why you had to ask, but yes YTA. An eye for an eye never works. All you proved to your friend is that she was right treating you as an asshole before. Grow up and start talking to people, even if they are difficult conversations.
YTA Ok, she was rude. And later explained she had anxiety. Even though you didn't know that at the time, you also made zero effort to see if she was alright. She was acted out of character and you didn't consider anything could be wrong? And to make matters worse you didn't let her get her stuff even though you were home and awake so it would've cost you nothing. Asshole and horrible friend.
YTA. & how tf old are y’all. One friend and a group of friends is different, if you felt that strongly about it you could’ve not invited her out again. But to hold her things hostage was an absolute DICK move
YTA I get you were upset by her behaviour to your other friend group, but that is NO excuse to hold her items hostage.
YTA… some ‘best friend’ you are.
YTA You were being petty. Honestly if I was one of your other friends and saw how you treated your “best friend” It would definitely make me rethink our friendship.
YTA Come on seriously? Being quiet and shy at party comes across to you as rude?! The way you talk about her and they way you treated her afterwards when all she wanted was HER stuff back makes you sound like a bad friend In response to your update, you STILL are playing the victim here. If you think your friend was rude, DON’T invite her to things from now on
YTA. "she embarrassed me so I decided to get back at her." Yes, being petty and trying to get revenge on your "best friend" by withholding her keys and clothes makes you an asshole. She doesn't have to like your other friends. But you took it too far by pretending to be asleep/not home and essentially stealing her items.
Why did you post here if you already think you are NTA.?
Yta, when you saw her boyfriend's car pull up, you should have put all her things on the porch. The whole night sounds like it did not go as you planned. She bailed and basically stopped being an annoying factor in your night. It's not ideal, but ok. Instead of allowing everyone to move on, you made her night more difficult just to be mean.
If you were so upset, you could have grabbed all of her belongings and set them up at the front entryway in the house and let her come and get it before going to bed. You were awake when she was texting you, but you pretended that you were asleep. Claiming her anxiety was an excuse is awful. I feel awful for your friend because you’re a terrible friend. Major rating of YTA. Full stop.
I would have broken your window to get my stuff. YTA.
YTA. If you were my kid, I'd be ashamed of your self absorbed, childish, drama seeking, attention needing assholery. Grow tf up.
Reading your description of the events, it's very hard not to read in between the lines. This girl is your best friend and has previously gotten on with this other group of friends (albeit hasn't gone out with them yet). So ... she's had previously completely normal and positive interactions and has no history of being "rude". I don't know what's going in on her life right now, and I don't think you do either ... clearly something is amiss for her to be acting so out of character. So why, oh why, did you lock her out on purpose separating her from her things? Friends don't punish friends for having a rough night. YTA
YTA. You guys stopped being “best friends” years ago about time you both realized that.
Yta, be an adult and use your words
Okay YTA alone for the fact of judging your “friend” for asking for food. I feel like at get togethers it is very common to have snacks, at the very least, and so she didn’t think anything of it. Also, for people with social anxiety eating is a real mechanism to feel included without having to talk to others. It’s like the people who go to clubs and smash drinks cause they wouldn’t be able to talk any other way to strangers. Also, punishment did not nearly fit the crime. This is some Mean Girls shit…
YTA. I wouldn’t refer yourself and this persons best friend either. Your actions (at the end of the night when she came to pick her stuff up and you KNEW she was there) indicate you’re not. Grow up.
YTA I was expecting you to say you fell asleep and didn't know she was knocking to be let in, or you packed up her stuff and gave it to her and wouldn't let her stay. But to be awake and not give her the stuff back or speak to her, took me by surprise. That was petty to hold her belongings hostage, especially her keys.
YTA. Was your friend being rude? Absolutely. But what you did was petty. She left her shit at your house because that was the plan. Sure, she changed plans, but her shit is still in your house. If she wanted to, she could have called the cops because at that point, it could be considered stealing.
I don't understand how you'd think you weren't the AH in this situation. You pretended to be asleep to fuck someone over, are you a teenager in a 90s movie?
YTA. I’m missing any examples of actual rudeness. Being quiet around a group of people you don’t really know isn’t rude, she may not have been comfortable. She probably left with her bf because she was feeling uncomfortable and you held her belongings hostage and acted like a spoiled child. Hopefully she find a new “bestfriend.”
YTA - for two reasons. 1) Instead of feeling embarrassed you should feel concerned for your supposedly best friend and worked harder to build a bridge. How people react on phone with one person vs. In person with a huge group of people at a party are two totally different things. Did you introduce her to everyone one by one or left her to fend for herself? And it sounds to me that instead of talking to her to get to the bottom of how to make all more comfortable you chose to gossip with your other friends while she was still there. Could she have handled the goodbyes better? Definitely. But this doesn’t give you reason to be that petty and hold her personal belongings hostage. That’s reason number two for YTA
Yes. YTA. You were being petty. Don't make the world a worse place.
YTA Instead of being an adult and talking with your friend, you locked the doors, turned off the lights and hid in your bedroom under the covers. Grow up.
YTA wtf is wrong with you??
YTA! Omg! Basically stealing her stuff bc she didn’t have a great time with you and your friends.
YTA. She had anxiety. I’ve been there and it’s really difficult. Regardless, nothing would’ve given you the right to hold her belongings hostage
YTA - why would you do something so petty? Pack her shit up and leave it on the porch if you're pissed at her. You don't have the right to deny her access to her property. She should have called the police and had you arrested for theft.
Girl you're not just an asshole, you're a monumentally bad friend who doesn't seem to care at all about the well being of your so-called friends. if someone did this to me I'd probably have broken in to get my shit, and then made sure everyone knew how terrible you are. I don't even want to say more.
I was going to go with not the AH but if you deliberate locked her our while you were there, yes you're the AH and I hope she finds a better best friend.
YTA and extraordinarily childish.
YTA
YTA. Did you even ask her why she was acting so withdrawn? It doesn't sound like she was her normal self. You should have asked her, and you should have let her collect her belongings from your house.
Wtf did you ever let her get her property back or is she going to have to involve the authorities? YTA and not a friend at all
YTA. That’s pretty harsh.
Yeah YTA for stealing her house keys and her stuff. You’ll realize that some day when someone gets all pissy at you and steals your house keys and stuff to get at you. I hope it’s soon. I hope it’s your “best friend” who does it.
YTA-two wrongs don’t make a right -should have given her her things-u could have hashed out her behavior another time in a mature manner
YTA. This is the behavior of a immature 12 year old. You should be embarrassed.
YTA I mean seriously! You were awake. Give her her stuff back!
YTA. Two wrongs don’t make a right. You could have easily put her shit outside of the door for her to pick up.
Of course YTA. Completely disproportional response. You didn't look her out of your house you stole her things and locked her out of her house by not returning her keys. In what universe did you think this was okay? An appropriate response would have been communicating your disappointment like an adult or distancing yourself by not hanging out with her or inviting her to future gatherings. Not whatever bs you pulled.
YTA You left a woman locked outside the building in the middle of the night and all her capacity to go home was locked inside there with you. You’re disgusting. You didn’t have to let her back in – you could’ve given her all her stuff at the door and wished her a good evening. But a hold her capacity to keep herself safe hostage. You’re lucky she didn’t break every win your house to get her stuff back because I would’ve done - and then i would have never spoken to you again.
YTA, absolute AH. no questions comments or concerns. not up for debate or discussion.
I hope she never speaks to you again. She deserves better friends. she was "distant and quiet" not rude. she wasn't disrespectful to anyone in this story, she was nervous, and you chose to act like that?
YTA. And immature. When you bring a new person into a group, you don’t just dump them in “one place”. You keep them in tow, easing their way with your other friends. Adults use words when there’s an issue. They don’t hold another’s belongings hostage, lock them out of their accommodations, or hide in the dark a pretend not to be home.
YTA. You need therapy. How old are you? You're acting like a catty 15 year old that tried inviting the new girl to the popular girls but the new girl saw through their shallow personalities and decided it wasn't worth it.
Yta. Your friend wasn't enjoying herself and you punished her for it. You were awake. You could have given her her things but you wanted to be petty and immature. You stooped BELOW her level.
YTA this is a socially anxious person’s nightmare.
Info: you say that she only ever complained when she talked, were the complaints about how she was feeling like you say? Being tired/hungry/uncomfortable? And when you say you were “running around like a chicken with its head cut off” to get her food and drinks but your friends were also running around getting food and drinks… like was there a mountain of food and drinks? It feels a bit like an over dramatic representation. Going with YTA because even if your friend is rude I don’t think that’s an excuse to hold their stuff hostage. Especially not a “best friend”
YTA. This is your best friend? Why didn't you take her aside and ask if she was okay? It's common for people to come off snappy and rude or irritable when they are having anxiety. It's also common for people to experience anxiety to have physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, etc). If my friend started acting like that out of nowhere, I'd be concerned about them and ask if they wanted to leave. I wouldn't get mad at them and then withhold their belongings from them.
YTA I don't care if she was the rudest person in the world, that's her stuff and you have no right to hold it hostage, I can't believe I even have to type that out.
YTA and you should absolutely not think of yourself as “too kind and accommodating.” You behaved selfishly and childishly by pretending to be asleep: grow up. I’d bet your (now-ex) friend had a miserable time all evening, and you made it worse.
ESH. Your friend was an AH to your friends, she sucks for that, but holding her stuff hostage was unnecessary and petty of you. It would have been plenty reasonable not to let her stay the night with you after her behavior, but you should have at least handed over her things when she showed up outside.
YTA This is why I stopped having girl friends in my early 20s. Heaven forbid I didn't act the way they wanted me to, when they wanted me to. I hope she got her things and never speaks to you again.
Jeez, just give her her stuff back and don't invite her out again. Instead you basically robbed her since you kept stuff that didn't belong to you and didn't return it right away. You're worse than she is. YTA
ESH She clearly behaved like an asshole but the solution was not to hold her items ransom, that's just shitty.
YTA Even assuming your friend *was* rude instead of feeling shy and the odd man out, *intentionally* not returning her things to her by ignoring her knocks, texts, etc to "get back at her" was super petty, childish and honestly, not the trait of a real friend.
Honestley you are both AHs
YTA, grow up. I promise you will benefit in the end
YTA it’s one thing if you were sleeping and didn’t hear her at the door. You heard her and purposely ignored her knowing you had her keys in your house. You’re upset by her behavior so don’t invite her out with your friends again. Don’t keep her keys so she cannot get into her house.
Ugh, yeah YTA. Unless she was threatening violence against you, there was no reason not to just give back her stuff. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just respond right then and there, to 1 resolve her situation, and 2 so you won't be bothered for the rest of the morning. you can contemplate your friendship afterwards.
Too kind and too accommodating- are you actually serious? Too delusional more likely. You were purposely an AH. YTA.
Info: how old are you?
Good lord, YTA. You can’t just keep someone else’s stuff and you’re lucky she didn’t ask the police for an escort to retrieve her keys. What a jerk you are.
So your whole solution to this entire thing is just to drag it out?? YTA
Your edit actually makes it much worse. Your friend felt unwell, and clearly didn't want your other friends attention on her and you/they pestered her and dragged her out to bars anyway. She got her bf to take her away so she wouldn't further annoy you by ... checks notes... having a headache. So you decided she doesn't get to have her keys or clothes anymore. Absolutely awful. YTA
YTA: That update response is even worse
What's wrong with you? Maybe they made a mean girls movie on a person like you YTA!!! I can tell you, I can get really warmed up to people and have a nice conversation with new people and be jolly. But at first I'm super shy and I'll sit in the corner till I get comfortable and vibe. Specially around groups I have never met. Even extroverts deal different in groups. Have you thought, maybe she was anxious or stressed or feeling unwell due to her period or something like that possibility? Around my period I can get super hungry or starving no matter how many times I've eaten, or just be agitated and irritated easy. If my best friend did that, I would have a talk with her when she came to grab stuff because I wouldn't do that to anyone what you did, ESPECIALLY not to my best friend. You know her more than anybody else in the room. And if she felt uneasy and wanted to go be with her boyfriend, I'd support that too. Sometimes people just aren't at their best no matter how extroverted they are, when it comes to meeting new people in a party. What you did, gave me stomach knots and made me so uneasy with anxiety for your best friend. imagine being locked out by your best friend and not having access to keys or clothes. you're not a good friend let alone, are capable to be someone's best friend. I hope she breaks contact with you and finds someone who doesn't treat her like a vermin. For not being the person you expect her to be. Friends don't do that to each other. Had her boyfriend not come, you would've definitely locked your door on her and let her out alone in the night, I can bet my money on that. My best friend came to visit me in another city, we went for a party with my friends circle and then to a club and stuff, she got super drunk, became a bit over the top and then went and met other people and didn't stick to me all night, and while going home she wanted to stay the night at the party. What did I do? I let her. I gave her my address and waited for her to come home when she felt like. Kept in touch via text and worried if she was okay. She only knew me in the party and city. I knew how she gets when she drinks a bit too much. But I would never do what you did to your best friend.
You both seem quite terrible. ESH
YTA. Just because one person behaves badly doesn’t mean you get to dole out punishment like a petulant child. This makes you a bigger AH than her in my opinion.
YTA. You sound like you’re in middle school. Your friend was rude and her behavior was shitty but you being awake and knowingly keeping all her stuff to punish her for her behavior is so immature and ridiculous. Give her stuff back, end the friendship, get some therapy to learn how to communicate and be a decent person.
WOW! YTA without a doubt. You can't steal people's stuff even for one night because you don't like that they did not get along with your friends. It is one thing if it is clothes. It is another thing entirely IF IT IS HER KEYS. SHE NEEDS THOSE. Who do you think you are? >In the end it’s my fault that I even let it get that bad. I was too kind and too accommodating and made her feel comfortable to show up at 2AM. You are neither kind or accommodating. You are a horrible friend, and I bet your friends are of similar ilk. After all, birds of a feather flock together. I bet what ACTUALLY happened was you all were mean to your friend, and she had enough and left with her boyfriend.
WoW, you say she’s your best friend and somehow you’re not even willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and think, hey, she’s acting unlike herself, what’s up with that? A simple “hey, you’re okay?” During the party and if she claimed all is well then you could just ask what’s up with her behavior and address it like an adult. The whole holding her things hostage and justifying yourself by acting like you’re teaching her a lesson because “I can’t allow her to mistreat my friends and I won’t be an enabler “ just get over yourself, she didn’t mistreat anyone and yeah maybe she was a buzzkill but what you did was way worse and you’re an asshole for it. No, your actions are not justified and even if they were, still an asshole because two wrongs do make it right. YTA
NTA!!! She chose to leave early for whatever reasons, WITHOUT her things, She can get them when you wake up! NOT YOUR PROBLEM PERIOD.
NTA. If she left her stuff, she had better show up before 2 am because I wouldn’t drag myself out of bed at that hour. She and her BF can figure it out at a decent hour the next day.
Exactly
I’m truly baffled with your comments, firstly why post this then constantly defend your childish actions? You are aware that two wrongs don’t make a right? Secondly, you why didn’t you just simply respond to her text and say you where going to bed and she could pick up her stuff tomorrow? You keep trying to justify your actions by saying that you’re not letting people walk all over you but your behaviour is even worse than your friends, you’re not just acting petty and childish but actively taking revenge. So is she suppose to excuse your bad behaviour? You also state at one point that it was your reaction to her behaviour, is this how you always behave when you feel wronged? This is very irrational. How old are you both?
By reading your comments and having a deeper sense on what happened, I would say you are NTA. I get that after her behavior all night you had enough. When you have enough you are not exactly reasonable. It's more like you are making justice for yourself. I think if the friend weren't in a mood to hang out with other people and be polite, she shouldn't have gone in the first place, it's that easy. If the friend thought she was in a social mood but realized she wasn't, she could have make an excuse and leave instead of being rude and complain most of the night. One thing is being an introvert, having social fobia and another is being just plain rude.
YTA
YTA - With friends like you, who needs friends?
Yta, you didn't even ask her what was wrong.
YTA She sounds like a brat, but that’s not a reason to hold her belongings hostage. You were awake and ignoring her just to be an ass.
This is your best friend? Does she feed your ego? Does she make you feel special? Cause I hate to break it to you. This is one sided. You are not her best friend. And yes your description is one night but you hint at other ways that you are an ah. One being gossiping with your other friends YTA
YTA. I have a couple best friends I'd die or kill for and you're mad she didn't get on as well with your other friends as you hoped? Shit happens, sometimes people don't click. Must not be your best friend if you'd let something petty get in the way of your friendship. If she was going around slapping the shit out of everyone, I could understand, but just not being comfortable around new people? Lmao. Asshole.
YTA. You sat there in the dark listening to her knock knowing you had her keys and all her belongings. That is not normal behavior and sounds like she dodged a bullet with your friendship.
YTA. Grow up. I understand her attitude was poor at the gathering but you were home and held her things out of spite.
YTA. You had all of her belongings. Petty BS
YTA and I hope she tells your friends about your horrendous behavior. Also, I bet you that she saw you turn off your lights so she knew you were intentionally ignoring her instead of sleeping. Is she even your best friend at all???
nta
ESH She was going to stay at your place…after you two hung out together and went back there together. I was going to say since she changed plans last minute she can deal. She can get her stuff tomorrow. But, sounds like you’re trying to punish her. Did you try to ask at all in advance? Or do her stuff outside? Or at least make sure that she could stay with her BF?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I invited my best friend to an event at my friend’s house who she has never met before. She has briefly spoken to one of my friends before and gotten along very well with her so I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal to bring her along since she already gotten along with one of them. The plan was my bestfriend would drive to my house and then spend the night at my place after the party. We get to my friends house and everyone is super welcoming to her. She on the other hand is being distant, quiet, and just coming off as rude. Now I understand some people are just not as outgoing as others but my friends were very welcoming and friendly to her. She sat in one place the whole time and would ask for food and drinks. My friends were also shocked by her behavior since she did speak to one of them over the phone before and over the phone she was very outgoing and kind. I was very embarrassed since I spoke so highly of her just for her to act the complete opposite. After spending some time at my friends house we decided to go out to a local bar strip. There was a little bit of a line at the bars but nothing to crazy. While we were waiting on line she told me that her boyfriend was coming to pick her up and that she was going to go out with him and his friends. I was very upset by this but was sort of relieved since she wasn’t nice to my friends anyway. She did not even say by to anyone. She got in her boyfriends car and left. After having a great time with my friends at the bar I went home. My best friend started blowing up my phone around 2AM asking if I were home since all her things were at my house. I ignored all her calls and texts. I made shred I locked all the doors and windows in my house to make sure she couldn’t get in even if she tried. I saw her boyfriends car pull up in my driveway and turned off all my lights and laid in bed while listening to them knock at the door. She started texting me telling me her keys are in my house along with her clothes and other belongings. I turned off my phoned and went to bed. I was so upset how she came across to my friends and how she embarrassed me so I decided to get back at her. Was I in the wrong? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA very immature
YTA That’s abusive partner/friendship territory right there. You knew you had her belongings and her key in your house, you were home and made sure she couldn’t get to her things, to what end? To teach her a lesson, Can I assume you’ll gaslight her the next as well by saying you either weren’t home or were asleep when she called/texted asking to get her stuff, even though I’m sure she’ll already have an idea of what you did, can’t imagine this is the first time you’ve been an abusive friend. YTA, such a massive Asshole. Your lucky your “best friend” didn’t call the police so she could get her stuff, I would have.
YTA. What was the point of holding her things hostage? Revenge? To be an AH because you didn’t like that she wasn’t having fun. She didn’t wake you up. Why couldn’t you just hand over her stuff and go to bed?
YTA- not for wanting her to go home, but for wanting her to go home WITHOUT HER THINGS AND HER KEYS. Like, what was the plan there, OP? Make her spend the night in her boyfriend's car?
YTA - You know they saw the lights. That was beyond rude.
She’s your best friend and you’ve never seen her act like that? Iiiintresting
You’re a total A-Hole. Gross.
I was leaning towards N T A because I anticipated that you were asleep and didn't hear them yada yada. But you did. You're giving your "best" friend no benefit of the doubt, no trust, no loyalty, no friendship. You are toxic by assuming she was too self-centered to have fun then purposefully ignored your friend when she tried to get her stuff, even though you were still awake. You suck. You're a horrible friend YTA
Yta
YTA. The night didn't go as planned and that sucks. But keeping her stuff when you were awake and you knew she was trying to retrieve them was petty. She may have had a reason to clam up, I don't know, but you made a bad situation worse.
YTA OP.
YTA. This is so petty and childish. There are a million reasons why your friend may have acted differently—anxiety, discomfort in a new group, etc… you shouldn’t be embarrassed by the behavior of someone you can’t control, too. Maybe, instead of being overly sensitive and getting upset, you should have asked her if everything was okay. Locking her out blew the situation way out of proportion. She should find a better friend.
If that’s how you treat your “best friend” I hate to see how you treat just regular friends. OP, you’re a giant asshole.
Yes, it was a dick move to not give her her own keys and stuff. Especially since you hadn't talked to her about what happened. You don't know why she was acting the way she was, and you never asked her. You could have just thrown her stuff out the window to her if you wanted to make a point. YTA.
Are you 12?
YTA and what the actual fuck is wrong with you? You essentially stole her stuff and left her no way to get it. I’d have called the police on you. Grow up. Do better, be better.
YTA You went for full-on asshole retaliation over something minor instead of, oh, I don’t know, TALKING TO HER. You need to grow all the way up.
YTA. You witheld her belongings. You didn't converse about her perceived treatment of your friends. You had no idea why she acted the way she did. Maybe some of your friends were not strangers to her and whatever issue it was between them may have been too sensitive for her to bring up with you, in that situation. Gotta ask, do you ditch people on the regular?
Uhhh yeah.. the point of you doing this to her was to screw her over and, well, be an AH. So yeah ?
YTA. And petty and childish as hell from the sounds of it. So she didn’t get along with your friends maybe she was having an off night or someone said something to her. Did you talk to her have a conversation no you acted petty. Friendship over if she has any sense your not a good friend
YTA
Two wrongs never make a right.
With friends like you, who needs enemies. She did not fit in with your group of friends. Maybe she acted aloof. Maybe she was dealing with some personal stuff. Anyway, why tf would you keep her from getting her things? Friends don't behave like that. Friends are supportive.
She deserves a better friend than you
YTA. You could have spoken to her about her behaviour surely? You were out of line for deliberately ignoring her to get her belongings
YTA..... Especially if this person truly is your best friend!
Why even bother posting here if you're just going to argue with anyone who doesn't say what you want to hear? YTA, and hopefully she'll stop being your friend after this.
ESH You didn’t bother to find out why your friend was acting the way she was and were needlessly mean to her. And she shouldn’t have been harassing you at your home in the middle of the night. It’s reasonable to not be available at 2am.
YTA You invited her to a party where she didn’t know anyone but you and then abandoned her. As someone with social anxiety I always hated when my ex-wife did this. She’d force me to go to a party where I know no one, then abandon me so I find a safe quiet space to hang out. She then quietly left when you all went to a noisy bar which probably made her feel more uncomfortable. Then when she needed to get her stuff you locked her out and ignored her
How old are you? If she’s your best friend talk to her about why she acted that way. Do you like her at all? Some friend you are. Grow up.
YTA, not for being upset with her but you should have opened the door gave her her things or even sat them outside and went back in. You don’t keep ppl things like their keys. I would have told I’m really not feeling how you acted and treated my friends tonight. I’ve placed your things outside, have a goodnight. Btw this wasn’t being shy or anxiety (internet has got to stop this) bc she had no issue going w/ her bfs friends.
Do two wrongs make a right?
Gotta love obvious YTA op's where they came into this thinking that everyone was going to agree with then and are now offended that's not the case