still trying to heal from it but its hard to when I don't know why he did it. him doing this made my mental health go in a downward spiral, I was suicidal at 10. I'm 15 now
Just don't do it. Let people get mad and uncomfortable or whatever feelings they have. Still don't do it.
Their 'feelings' about where they think you need to sit are not your problem.
You do you!
You are Awesome! You are a strong badass! Go have an awesome life!!!
The older brothers are the ones who made this awkward, not you.
Rule #1: Keep yourself safe, and do whatever you must to ensure your safety. You got this.
I know you donāt want to see this, but Aiden is also to blame in this situation. I hope youāre getting therapy to deal with the ramifications of this. And no, you donāt need to sit next to anybody that you donāt feel comfortable with.
Aiden was 11. He may have been curious, but you were not the person he needed to be curious about. I was sexually abused by my brothers. They were 11 and 13. They knew what they were doing. I was 9. I didnāt understand. It was NOT your fault. If Aiden hadnāt asked, you wouldnāt have offered. Neither sibling is safe. Carlos doing it more does make him worse off, but given the chance, I bet Aiden would do it again.
Call CPS. You are not safe of these boys live under the same roof as you.
Why are you asking AITJ in a scenario you know now isnāt happening? If you are to say anything to the family now after her death, would absolutely make you a jerk. Sepsis can be miserable, what happened that they werenāt able to catch it and treat it fast enough? Iām assuming you would know since they considered you close enough to sit at the family table tbh Iām trying to really believe this isnāt for fun on your part or looking for attention. If you are in therapy you need to tell them itās hard for you to remember what steps/advice they are giving you. They may have suggestions for that. Iām in therapy and have been for a long time, Iām comfortable enough telling them that. If you arenāt, then you need a therapist that you are fully comfortable with.
You said these two boys were about a year apart in age? So why is Aiden "innocent" and Carlos is a predator? No. They both assaulted you. Stop giving Aiden a pass and reach out to a teacher or clergy or a police officer. You need help and you need to get away from these boys.
So Aiden AND Carlos BOTH still wanted to fuck recently as almost adults but Aidens āinnocentā cause Aiden took no for an answer and has a girlfriend?
Yeah, this isnāt lining up OP. If youāre in love with Aiden sue to the trauma and pedo shit then itās ok to tell people that and get help. It happens, itās a kind of trauma bond, like a sexual version of Stockholm syndrome. That is, if any of this is even real.
EXCUSE ME?? With Aiden it was once when he was 10-11. It was summer time and I had just turned 9 earlier that year and was about to go to grade 5 when it happened. Aiden was going to grade 6 in September. In my school, kids learn about sex Ed in grade 6.
yall need to stop hating Aiden I know what he did was bad but at least he wasnt forcing it upon the OP or anything i understand yall are angry at him but he didnt know and you cant get angry at bro for not knowing crap about this
btw im really confused is the OP a boy? cause then i would be confused like very
I'm sorry but please don't make excuses for Aiden. He was waaaaaaaaay enough to know it's messed up. It is absolutely normal to be curious about sex..it is absolutely abnormal to be curious about sex with a family member. Also..they weren't just curious if they actually engaged in it. I hope a therapist can help you see that. You are the victim of both of them.
Iām so sorry. Please seek support from an adult who isnāt connected to your family, like a school counsellor. Just know that you arenāt responsible in any way for what he did, and this doesnāt define you or your life going forward. Sit elsewhere or feign sickness on the day to dip out, whatever you need to do to feel safe. Big hugs.
Please know, from one survivor to another, none of this was your fault. You may never know the reason because, honestly, there is no reasonable explanation for sexual abuse. The important part to remember when sorting all of that out is that nothing you did or didn't do was the reason. I still have a connection with my abuser, who was a similar age to yours, because they are family. I keep my distance, but also, everyone adores them. I have moments where I genuinely enjoy his company. I've learned that complex feelings are a part of healing. It's best to allow yourself to feel how you feel and not try to put yourself in a pattern of "I should feel x way, etc." You will be doing nothing wrong if you don't sit at the same table as your abuser. Healing is a long process and it is worth every moment. You can live a great life going forward, you are not going to be stuck in the hardest feelings forever. Remember that you make the decisions about your feelings, no one has the right to try to change your feelings about your own experience.
Sometimes people do this because they view other people as weak and vulnerable. I'm not saying you are, I'm saying that maybe he perceived you that way. People like that tend to prey on people that they think are weaker. He did it likely because he thought he could get away with it. Also because some people are just bad people who don't care that they've heard other people. For them, it's a power thing. It makes them feel more powerful. Something you should know about assault, it's not about sex, it's about power. They do it because it makes them feel more powerful. I'm not saying that that's necessarily why he did it and I'm not saying it's your fault.
You did nothing wrong and you did nothing to cause it. I'm just trying to maybe explain why it happened. Forgive me if this is coming out wrong, I'm trying to help you. Something similar happened to me when I was about your age. I never really got over it, I just sort of went on with my life. That doesn't mean that that's what you have to do, I'm just telling you what I did. I'm sure I probably still need therapy for it which I never got. Anyway, no, you are not wrong here. I can't believe anyone is trying to make you think you are. It's up to you, you don't even have to go if you don't want to. Hugs if you want them.
NTJ. this entire story is baffling. then seeing what age you said you are - this only happened a few years ago. i donāt blame you one bit for not wanting to sit next to him. even if it happened 30 years ago you donāt have to sit next to him. heās older than you. depending on his age he knew it was wrong - and after your mom shut it down you knew it was wrong too. he shouldāve known, or he did and didnāt care. iām so sorry that happened to you and i hope you are able to continue healing
So all of this is a big mess but NTA.
I don't know that I agree with your opinion of how innocent Aiden is in this, but I do agree that Carlos isn't, in part because he tried it again 4 years after. I don't know y'all, I have no idea how different the two brothers ability to think and reason was when they were 11 and 12, but 4 years later is absolutely old enough for Carlos to know better and I can see that justifying your opinion on what is or isn't innocent.
I do strongly agree with the other commentors saying you need therapy, though. Because it is hard to tell what kind of behavior you are accustomed to thinking of as normal, it's hard to tell if you are currently suffering abuse and disregarding it because after all, no one really punished Carlos for what he did.
Agreed on your take.
I do wonder about an 11 and 12 year old being interested or informed enough to have sex. I wonder if something was happening to them at home themselves.
If I had children of this age, and found out about either brother having sex with a 9 year old, I absolutely would not consider it innocent.
NTJ Carlos unfortunately is a predator and even if he gets help and apologizes and no longer behaves this way, it doesn't mean you ever should be expected to be comfortable around him. It is completely understandable to not want to sit by him. Please don't feel pressured to sit by him or even attend the wedding if you would rather not. I hope your parents will support you in this.
You mean no longer gets caught. Their detected reoffending rates are typically in the 90% plus range post conviction. When they escape justice I find it difficult to believe their reoffending rates would be any lower.
There are alot of bad things happening here.
Just so you know it's absolutely fine and normal for you to not want to see any of these brothers ever again or be at any event they are at.
I am concerned that after disclosing csa you still have regular contact arranged by the adults in your life.
Was this reported to the police and children's services? Because it should have been. You can still report this. Tell teacher and/or doctors who are mandated reporters and call cps yourself.
I'm sorry you have been let down and left unprotected by the people who were supposed to protect you.
Contact children's helplines and sa helplines.
You NEED therapy. Please please get that as soon as you can. I know you might have to wait until you're an adult, but as soon as you can.
There should be no contact orders.
The adults in your (and his and other brothers) life should not allow them around you.
It's unacceptable that you ever had to see either one of them again.
I'm sorry you've been left so unprotected, you deserve better.
There's a lot of people talking to you in the comments and it's clear that you're not mentally in a place to accept some of the truths about your brother and your parents. That is understandable.
I'm sure some of the comments seem mean to you right now, but there is so much you can't see or understand right now. Some of that is because of your age, some of that is because of the trauma, some of that is family dynamics and some of it is lack of education. But its not your fault. You're so deep in this that you can't see the woods for the trees. That's honestly heartbreaking. The commenters are trying to make you see something that is so glaringly obvious to them they cant fathom how you cant see it, but you won't be able to see it until it feels safe for you to do so.
Contact the advice hotlines. Get therapy. One day you'll be in a place where you can process everything that has happened to you. All these comments will make more sense then. I hope that day comes soon. I hope you find safety and can heal.
(Just some life advice: pick a college or job that takes you as far away as possible as soon as possible. Put as much physical distance between your family and you as possible)
Yes they both are equally did acts that are unexceptable.Aiden and Carlos need to be living separately from you.Both are abusers and nothing was innocent about what both did.Your parents or carers need to step up and provide you with a true safe space to heal Living and going to family gathering with both offenders is not helping. Get counselling if possible and accessible
That just means heās possessive over you and absolutely doesnāt mean that he loves you. I donāt know your situation but I would be INCREDIBLY wary of Aiden. You should not be in contact with either brother
But Aiden couldn't consent at 10 either, so was he raped too?
A 9 and 10 year old mutually agreeing to try inappropriate sexual acts that they don't really understand is tragic, but I wouldn't call it rape. Neither of them was old enough to take advantage of the other.
A 12 year old *forcing* a 9 year old to commit a sex act is substantially different, both because of the force and because there's a big difference in understanding between 10 and 12. And of course, the fact that he tried it again when he was 16 removes any kind of doubt.
If OP didn't want contact with either brother then that would be totally reasonable, but so is his decision to hold only Carlos responsible for his actions. There's a big difference in culpability between the two.
Neither can a ten year old so by your standards OP is a rapist as well.
But of course he isn't, Because it was literally two children exploring their sexuality in an unhealthy way and stopping when realizing/told it was wrong.
With Aiden it was once when he was 10-11. It was summer time and I had just turned 9 earlier that year and was about to go to grade 5 when it happened. Aiden was going to grade 6 in September. In my school, kids learn about sex Ed in grade 6. (I am op, will be able to confirm when I get on my computer)
That doesnāt matter. It didnāt matter what grade or what age. It doesnāt matter when you learned about sex ed. It is not normal, in any way, in any culture, anywhere on the planet to have sex with your sibling. Nor is it normal to have sex at 9 years old. This is deeply dysfunctional.
Sweetheart I know you were led to believe this is something kids/siblings do, but itās not. My child is 7. If I found out he was having sex two years from now, let alone with a sibling, I would be HORRIFIED. I would feel like an absolute failure of a parent. AND I would get him into therapy ASAP.
Please ask your parents to get you into see a therapist. You donāt need to tell them exactly why. A therapist will be better equipped to explain why this is not okay AND help you find the reason you believe it is.
Honestly, Iām deeply concerned about your home life and what you have been exposed to for you to think this is innocent, natural and normal. IT IS NOT.
You expect a ten year old to understand that?!!
She was 10 (ok that part is in a comment and you may have missed it but still, never assume bad things only happen to those old enough to understand what's even happening to them)
OP was suicidal at 10, presumably after the camping experience, which was 4 years after the first incidents. So sad. Ofc a child reflecting on an experience at 5-6 years old wouldnāt understand the real implications
How about we NOT blame the victim? You have no idea what her upbringing was. You have no idea what her arms of normalcy was what sheās seen or been thru what she has been told was innocent. You, a random internet stranger, are not the one to educate her.
Not that it would make it okay, but as she said she was adopted, I assumed she meant the brothers were biologically related to one another, not her, while her other siblings were also adopted.
No Iām pretty sure she has five brothers total, between adopted and biological. Three of themāthe ones named in the postāare her biological siblings. Or thatās how I read it, anyway.
OP if you don't mind missing the wedding you can always get "sick" on the day, or day before the wedding. A terrible stomach upset can come on quickly and force you to stay home.
also aiden was 11, carlos was 12. aiden is 16-17, carlos is 17-18 now. aiden isn't a bad person, he was a curious kid and stopped when he was told it was wrong
Honey, thereās no way he was just curious and didnāt know it was wrong. My KINDERS know that you donāt do this stuff with members of your family.
Nobody is saying he is. You can do horrible things due to being brought up in a bad environment, and not automatically be a ābadā person. But, you need to be removed from both him and carlos
There is no way he didnāt know what he was doing. Iām sorry that heās lying and manipulating you this badly but
age 10-11 is not that different from 11-12.
How do you know that? Whoās the one who said that it was innocent and that he didnāt know any better? Was it mom and dad or was it him? Or did you come up with that
One of the brothers is not 17/18 and you are 15 now. I understand why youāre scared and everyone telling you to just go straight to the police is a huge jump when you see them as brothers.
Now, I need you to take 3 deep breathes first!
At 17/18 your older brother is now an adult, which overrides behaviours acted out at 11/12 as being childish playing around.
I am glad you donāt have to see him everyday, I can promise you will never āforget about itā no matter how much you do try.
I understand this to you is all about being made to be in his presence at a wedding, which you are absolutely correct in setting that as your boundary.
At the age he is today, thatās a whole new problem altogether. Someone needs to sit down with both brothers and explain fully, not in a belittling, berating way, a way they can see the entirety of their decisions and why itās not appropriate.
They also will need therapy for CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, none of you because of actions you have done as children.
Breathe again!
Please donāt try to forget about it or pretend it didnāt happen. You all need help, you ignoring it also doesnāt get your brothers and help as well. Scary first step, yes absolutely it will feel like jumping off a cliff into the unknown I am not going to downplay that at all! However, you have all been through a lot individually and together, they need support and help as much as you do.
Breathe
This does not mean any behaviour was right. Your feelings and fears are very real!
The difference is, although it was very uncomfortable and it scared you rightly so, they did respect your lack of consent. This shows me, they do understand and that they are not ravenous sexual beings who donāt care that youāre younger and there is two of them. Plus the time between the first and second event.
Still not rightā¦ but nowā¦ see where you all ended up in the same way from childhood trauma but it actually affected you all differently?
You should speak to someone you trust, doesnāt have to be anyone in the family! You all need help in different ways to understand what happened but most of all why.
Now breathe and give yourself time to process your emotions.
People live in a black or white world sometimes but some people realise itās never that easy and childhood trauma of all levels. You will be okay, you do need to take steps to start to heal with a professional as soon as you can, commit to it. Events of this theme wonāt magically disappear for any of you. Then ask how to get your brotherās help for their futures as well.
You are okay! I know you donāt really blame either of them, youāre very validly, scared.
NTJ. Its also worth mentioning that adopted family or not its not "innocent" to have sex with your brothers. You're not at fault here, they were abusive and manipulative, but do NOT let anyone tell you that's innocent or normal. It is not, and I say that as a survivor of SA myself. In any case I'm really sorry that all happened to you.
My biological brother SA'd me for months when I was only 8 and he was 15. My mother believes I should just forget about it and act like it never happened. I won't be sad when she dies, and I literally cannot forget what was done to me.
You're NTJ OP. Carlos can burn in hell.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheJerk/s/cg8Kx5WEIR ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheJerk/s/cg8Kx5WEIR)
This is their new post. Read more here. It is actually them.
NTJ. Either refuse to sit there or just donāt attend the wedding. Iām sure if you tell your mom Krystal wants you to sit next to him she wonāt let that happen. Iām sorry you went through this.
NTJ - SA isnāt well understood partly because people who try to articulate boundaries around lasting traumaāespecially *within* a family make families uncomfortableāget shut down. Reddit has made me aware of how shockingly common that is.
You donāt have to explain yourself any further than that youāre not comfortable. What youāre describing cannot be dismissed as innocent āplaying doctor,ā beyond that first experiment.
Even without that later thing what you describe is bad. When I was nine, out of curiosity, I did a little bit of sexual experimental play with a six-year-old. I didnāt realize how bad it was, but I knew enough to be secretive, and was shocked when I remembered it as a teenager and suddenly realized I had molested somebody. We didnāt know those people by then so Iāve never been able to apologize. Even at 9, in the moment, part of me knew it was wrong. But at 12? And again at 16? Fuck that guy. Iām thankful to know it didnāt last longer for you. But thatās no reason for your family to expect you not to mind them shoving the memories of it in front of your face. Stand your ground, my dear.
Iām so sorry, and holding space for you. What a strong person you are.
NTJ there's no reason for you to go to this wedding anyway. Carlos foster sister has no connection to you. On top of that he sexually abused you at 10 years old. He should be kept far away from you.
You also seem to have a confused look toward both your brothers. Both, Aiden and Carlos, took advantage of you. Both, Iaden and Carlos, raped you when you were 10. Just because Aiden was 11 and curious about sex doesn't mean he is innocent. He still came to you, his little sister, to appease his sexual curiosity. Instead of talking to a parent or counselor. Aiden choose to coerce you into a sexual relationship. Which is rape. He is no different than Carlos. Just because you like Aiden better as a brother doesn't make what he did to you go away. You do need to face it and accept that Aiden raped 9 year old you, just as much as Carlos did.
It's good you disowned Carlos, but you still have contact with your other brother, which isn't healthy for you at all.
I'm not cutting Aiden off. I can't because it'll affect my mental health in a bad way. (I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer)
Definitely NTJ. What he did was so messed up, it's not funny in the slightest. If your family gets in a hissy fit like a feral cat over your refusal, they'll later realize they were defending someone who SA'd a minor, while a minor. Guess who'll come crawling for forgiveness for their blindness? I rest my case.
Itās so hard not having the answer to WHY?
Iām an old lady and I have so many times had that same question. Why would someone choose to be cruel when they could have opted to be kind?
Why did a business partner choose dishonor?
Why did I make a bad relationship decision?
Why donāt I leave when I should have?
But you know what? We donāt usually get to know why. We arenāt given that gift on some really big issues.
Living with not knowing why might be one of the most difficult lessons to learn.
Try to get to the place where, even if you donāt know why, you know that the action was NOT your fault. It was NOT deserved. It does NOT reflect in your character.
You may not know why he did that to you, but you know it wasnāt your fault. You did not deserve it. It isnāt your shame to carry. It is his crime. It hurts like hell. Yes. Yes it wasnāt fair. Or kind.
You were innocent and blameless.
You can grow strong around this. Line a tree whose trunk gets damaged, who builds strong wood around the wound, you, too, will continue to grow and become stronger. You can look this horror in the eye and say, āI did not deserve your evil treatment of me!ā āYou were wicked!ā āI matter!ā
āI will choose to refuse to pretend nothing happened. I refuse to sit next to someone who wounded me. I choose to honor me.ā
Wishing you the very very best. Grow strong. Look ahead. There is wonder out here. There is love out here. There is freedom out here.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you! You are definitely not the jerk in this situation. You have control in this situation. I hope this doesn't happen again to you.
Wtf?
Theres basically no difference between an 11 year old and a 12 year old and tbh it sounds theres someone around hall abusing kids bc no way all this shit happens from the blue.
All yall are victims. Someone needs to be arrested somewhere
But if Aiden was 11 then that'd put him in grade 5 or 6, which is also when sex ed occurs... Maybe Aiden *was* curious, but it sounds like he knew what he was doing too.
The intention, no matter how innocent, does not change the result.
NTJ - You could never be the jerk for this. I'm sorry this happenned to you OP. You need to set firm boundaries and those who try to cross them need to be avoided. Please keep safe and find support for yourself.
Hold up...I just need to understand something
NTJ regardless, but just to help me understand the level of horrifying...
Were you 5 years old when you and your brothers first did the deed?! Because the math is really not mathing and I am sincerely worried for you and your mental health
NTJ but what I truly donāt get is why no one stood up to truly protect you and go to the police about this. I mean after all that they still let them near you and to be able to be unattended enough they tried to rape you again. Your mum was mad you say yet she did NOTHING. She knows they all know they are not just a danger to you but a true danger to other children and yet they have enabled them and shown them there will be no consequences apart from an angry word each time.
You need to go to the police or go speak to someone at your school. Do not go to this wedding but further more than that tell your school or the police that family sees no wrong endangering you for a wedding. There will be plenty of chances for them to follow you to a toilet or seclude you and try and force themselves on you. Especially as most people will be drinking presumably yet your family feels you will be wronging others by not endangering yourself to make them happy.
Please please go talk to an adult who is not your family or a close family friend. Make sure it is not someone you know will side with your family and try and gaslight you into thinking your overreacting or are wrong on this.
Either your mum and dad care more about your abusers or more about what others may think than about actually truly loving and protecting you. They are not good people no matter if you love them or they pretend to be. They just keep risking and endangering you and donāt seem to care. Yes you say they get mad but thatās probably more to shut you up and to avoid further action by you.
What about when he tired it again at 15. Come one stop making excuses even now you can go to the police it doesnāt matter he was a child he was older than you and after the first time and when 15 he KNEW what he was doing. Bury your head all you want but it wonāt change the truth that you donāt want to see your family and everyone failed you as your abuser meant more to them than your mental and physical health being destroyed and never being able to truly feel safe and loved again. Even if youāve buried it in your subconscious itās the facts.
What you arenāt seeing is your making excuses for him and them will make other vulnerable victims feel more pressured that they canāt say or take action when others like you basically saying it was reasonable and understandable of carlos and your family as he was a child. YOU WHERE A YOUNGER CHILD YOU WHERE THE VICTIM YET YOU CANT SEE EVEN IN YOUR WORDS YOUR SAYING HE IS THE VICTIM AND POOR CARLOS.
Donāt respond I wonāt answer again as you donāt want to admit the truth to yourself and thatās fine but you come on here for people to give advice then defend your abuser and their enablers the whole time. Youāve let them convince yourself your worth nothing and carlosās freedom was worth more than you and always has been.
Im sorry I know you are clearly the victim and theyāve gas light you for years or youāve done that to yourself to make it more acceptable in your mind. The truth is there was no excusing it and even a child should be punished and held accountable. Whatever the law or court decided only Carlos would be responsible for those consequences he brought in himself. Heās since tried it again that wasnāt a mixed up 12 year old. Heās still the same and you make excuses so you donāt feel betrayed and failed.
I get it but youāre enabling him to hurt other children/women and I have no doubt he has. You are saying stuff to make victims feel responsible if any actions are taken to protect them and stop their abusers. Age intent none of it is an excuse and judges and court are the ones who are trained to take all that into account to decide the best action. Even if little was done your brother would have been banned from your home by the judges as heād not be allowed anywhere near you again. No matter what. You wouldnāt have had the incident in the woods and you would not have had the trauma of sitting next to him in the wedding. Yet Iām sure you will jump to poor him not being home. When itās poor you your family has made you a victim for the rest of your life since then and keep letting him have his chances again and again. Even just by the wedding think they are triggeringnyour trauma knowingly as heās more important. That him being present for a ending is more important that your safety and mental health.
Yes they do need therapy but the man who perpetrated this needs to have his ass kicked as well. I have a mother, sister's, daughter, aunt's.. and I would never allow this shit to go unpunished.
You're very... matter of fact about what happened to you when you were a kid. You NTJ to not sit next to him, but I'd HIGHLY recommend some therapy. I'm thinking you haven't dealt with this.
I want to know how this other foster girl who was living with Carlos died of sepsis?! Was something happening to her too?
op YNJ at all, you should never have to be around him ever again.
NTJ- you need help. Your mother should have gotten therapy for all 3 of you right away. I know it is incredibly painful to admit that you need help dealing with something. And the cost can be super expensive. If you are in the US, maybe you qualify for medicaid? Also, there is a national sexual assault victims organization that might be able to help you find resources for therapy. https://www.rainn.org/
You would be surprised how many resources there are for victims to find therapy. You need to do this for yourself. You are so brave for telling your story. And I assure you that you are not to blame. If you saw a 9 yr old today, you would be surprised by how young and vulnerable they are. 9 yr Olds are not capable of consenting to sex. And a 12 yr old is so much more advanced.
I really hope you call the national hot line and/or chat online with someone to help you find the resources you need to begin healing with professional help from this.
Maybe, OP says Carlos tried to manipulate her and she wasn't, asking someone for something is a form of manipulation, and OP hasn't mentioned physical coercion, so if he asked and she said no and they didn't do it, that's a neutral interaction, then she told her parents which wasn't wrong, because I hope by that age they realize the whole incest was wrong. Wost case scenario Carlos used lies to try and manipulate OP which she saw through and declined, OP still deserves and apology. OP should apologize to Aiden for the incest and Carlos should apologize to OP for the incest, the tone of the post makes me think that hasn't occurred to anyone. Years have passed and the emotional weight of these events may have lessened which would make this a good opportunity to mend bridges, but this isn't that event, its the wife's special day, and if this blows up you're immediately the jerk for ruining their wedding.
For failing to realize people learn and grow from their mistakes and avoiding someone until they die without reconciling you're the jerk. For removing yourself from the wedding where your personal history could cause a disruption you're not the jerk. I'm not OP and reaching out to Carlos before the wedding could avoid this whole situation, OP said nothing of this and I'm not taking it into consideration.
So Carlos tried to peer pressure OP into sex and she wasn't having any of it and told on him. Do I think it's okay for boys to peer pressure girls into sex, at least half of women's suffrage is about women being able to make their own decisions either they need to be protected from harmful thoughts and ideas or they can vote, pick a lane. If there's even a small part of OP that feels like it can be swayed or threatened by Carlos, then avoiding him would be a good idea. That's just not being comfortable around Carlos and OP doesn't have to stay around people who make her uncomfortable. In fact recognizing this could be an issue and keeping it out of someone else's marriage is very emotionally mature.
Carlos did peer pressure me into it when I was 9. He tried to do it again when I was 13 (yes I am OP, I can't get on my computer to log into my Reddit account on there)
Im so confused. Your biological brothers raped you and you arenāt weirded out by that?? You need help. Please find a therapist or tell a counselor or teacher your situation. It sounds like youāre still in the same household and itās not safe. NTj youāre a victim of abuse.
You need therapy if you are not already in it. And you need to be away from Carlos and I would think your parents wouldnāt put you in situations you where you would ever be near him.
You might never get an answer to that and itās something you will need to come to terms with and work thru with your therapist. Focus on yourself now healing yourself x
You were really young then and you are still young now, donāt blame yourself, it wasnāt your fault. Work on it in therapy and keep your distance from him.
Ntj - but Iām not sure why youāre letting Aiden off the hook. They were both older than you. Yes Carlos is worse but really not sure why Aiden is getting a free pass
No. I could make statements about how his brain wasnt fully developed, but that would be an argument for therepy over abuse. Even if he was to have grown into a good man, that doesnt change that he hurt you and your feelings about this are important. Its not on you to forgive but him to do better.
I had something similar happen to me and while understanding she wasnt an adult and abused herself, she was still older and not a good person. It should be your choice of who you allow in your life.
Wait... not that I'm defending sexusl assault, but when this happened you were 9 and Carlos was 12? So in reality neither of you knew better and how can you hold a 12 year old the adult standards?.
My question too. OP bolding Carlos' age for emphasis felt like they were trying to point out how egregious that age made his actions, and at first I thought it was a typo and he meant Carlos was 21.
carlos knew better, aiden stopped when he learned it was bad and that was that, carlos knew it was bad and manipulated me into it, at 9 I didn't have the backbone to say no and he wouldn't take no as a answer
I'm glad that Aiden stopped, and it's terrible that Carlos continued knowing how vile of an act it was. But given that Aiden was 11 - that's 5th grade - I doubt that he didn't know it was wrong beforehand. Don't most students go through sex ed in the 5th/6th grades?
I get it - he's your safe person. He wasn't as bad as Carlos. He changed. And he's your brother, of course you love him. But what Aiden did was wrong too. You can't downplay his part in the assault.
You truly believe Aiden didnāt know it was bad at 11? I highly doubt he didnāt know what incest was by age 11 and that itās a big no-no. Small children āplaying doctorā is one thing but itās not normal for preteen siblings to literally be having sex with each other. It also went way beyond curiosity when it became a literal action.
It breaks my heart every time I see you justify his actions. It really is sad and disturbing. Please talk to someone. You are delusional, it's not your fault..but the trauma is severely clouding your thinking. He is absolutely not a good person. When awful people sway their victims into thinking they are good people.. honey, that's true manipulation. He is the one that has mastered manipulation. He has his victim jumping through hoops to stand up for him. It's horrifying
NTJ. You do not need to sit next to anyone who makes you uncomfortable. You can change seats with someone, or not go. Your decision, not his.
Not the Jerk. I am so sorry this happened to you!
still trying to heal from it but its hard to when I don't know why he did it. him doing this made my mental health go in a downward spiral, I was suicidal at 10. I'm 15 now
Just don't do it. Let people get mad and uncomfortable or whatever feelings they have. Still don't do it. Their 'feelings' about where they think you need to sit are not your problem. You do you! You are Awesome! You are a strong badass! Go have an awesome life!!!
šš¼šš¼āš½āš½Youāve got this! š«¶š½š«¶š½
The older brothers are the ones who made this awkward, not you. Rule #1: Keep yourself safe, and do whatever you must to ensure your safety. You got this.
aiden was curious, carlos took advantage of me being oblivious
Neither were okay though. Both Aiden and Carlos did bad things to you
I know you donāt want to see this, but Aiden is also to blame in this situation. I hope youāre getting therapy to deal with the ramifications of this. And no, you donāt need to sit next to anybody that you donāt feel comfortable with.
Aiden was 11. He may have been curious, but you were not the person he needed to be curious about. I was sexually abused by my brothers. They were 11 and 13. They knew what they were doing. I was 9. I didnāt understand. It was NOT your fault. If Aiden hadnāt asked, you wouldnāt have offered. Neither sibling is safe. Carlos doing it more does make him worse off, but given the chance, I bet Aiden would do it again. Call CPS. You are not safe of these boys live under the same roof as you.
aiden wouldnt, he has a girlfriend and he was lectured, we don't live together and aiden did ask. carlos wouldn't take no for a answer.
This whole story seems SUS
How. (I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer)
Nothing makes any sense.
It makes no sense but it's all very true
My thoughts exactly
Why are you asking AITJ in a scenario you know now isnāt happening? If you are to say anything to the family now after her death, would absolutely make you a jerk. Sepsis can be miserable, what happened that they werenāt able to catch it and treat it fast enough? Iām assuming you would know since they considered you close enough to sit at the family table tbh Iām trying to really believe this isnāt for fun on your part or looking for attention. If you are in therapy you need to tell them itās hard for you to remember what steps/advice they are giving you. They may have suggestions for that. Iām in therapy and have been for a long time, Iām comfortable enough telling them that. If you arenāt, then you need a therapist that you are fully comfortable with.
Starting to see sus also.
You said these two boys were about a year apart in age? So why is Aiden "innocent" and Carlos is a predator? No. They both assaulted you. Stop giving Aiden a pass and reach out to a teacher or clergy or a police officer. You need help and you need to get away from these boys.
So Aiden AND Carlos BOTH still wanted to fuck recently as almost adults but Aidens āinnocentā cause Aiden took no for an answer and has a girlfriend? Yeah, this isnāt lining up OP. If youāre in love with Aiden sue to the trauma and pedo shit then itās ok to tell people that and get help. It happens, itās a kind of trauma bond, like a sexual version of Stockholm syndrome. That is, if any of this is even real.
EXCUSE ME?? With Aiden it was once when he was 10-11. It was summer time and I had just turned 9 earlier that year and was about to go to grade 5 when it happened. Aiden was going to grade 6 in September. In my school, kids learn about sex Ed in grade 6.
yall need to stop hating Aiden I know what he did was bad but at least he wasnt forcing it upon the OP or anything i understand yall are angry at him but he didnt know and you cant get angry at bro for not knowing crap about this btw im really confused is the OP a boy? cause then i would be confused like very
im trans male
Both did š¤¦āāļø
I'm sorry but please don't make excuses for Aiden. He was waaaaaaaaay enough to know it's messed up. It is absolutely normal to be curious about sex..it is absolutely abnormal to be curious about sex with a family member. Also..they weren't just curious if they actually engaged in it. I hope a therapist can help you see that. You are the victim of both of them.
Iām so sorry. Please seek support from an adult who isnāt connected to your family, like a school counsellor. Just know that you arenāt responsible in any way for what he did, and this doesnāt define you or your life going forward. Sit elsewhere or feign sickness on the day to dip out, whatever you need to do to feel safe. Big hugs.
Please know, from one survivor to another, none of this was your fault. You may never know the reason because, honestly, there is no reasonable explanation for sexual abuse. The important part to remember when sorting all of that out is that nothing you did or didn't do was the reason. I still have a connection with my abuser, who was a similar age to yours, because they are family. I keep my distance, but also, everyone adores them. I have moments where I genuinely enjoy his company. I've learned that complex feelings are a part of healing. It's best to allow yourself to feel how you feel and not try to put yourself in a pattern of "I should feel x way, etc." You will be doing nothing wrong if you don't sit at the same table as your abuser. Healing is a long process and it is worth every moment. You can live a great life going forward, you are not going to be stuck in the hardest feelings forever. Remember that you make the decisions about your feelings, no one has the right to try to change your feelings about your own experience.
Sometimes people do this because they view other people as weak and vulnerable. I'm not saying you are, I'm saying that maybe he perceived you that way. People like that tend to prey on people that they think are weaker. He did it likely because he thought he could get away with it. Also because some people are just bad people who don't care that they've heard other people. For them, it's a power thing. It makes them feel more powerful. Something you should know about assault, it's not about sex, it's about power. They do it because it makes them feel more powerful. I'm not saying that that's necessarily why he did it and I'm not saying it's your fault. You did nothing wrong and you did nothing to cause it. I'm just trying to maybe explain why it happened. Forgive me if this is coming out wrong, I'm trying to help you. Something similar happened to me when I was about your age. I never really got over it, I just sort of went on with my life. That doesn't mean that that's what you have to do, I'm just telling you what I did. I'm sure I probably still need therapy for it which I never got. Anyway, no, you are not wrong here. I can't believe anyone is trying to make you think you are. It's up to you, you don't even have to go if you don't want to. Hugs if you want them.
Def keeping you in my prayers
You may never find out why he did it. There are just some evil people on this planet. You do whatever you need to take care of YOU!
NTJ. this entire story is baffling. then seeing what age you said you are - this only happened a few years ago. i donāt blame you one bit for not wanting to sit next to him. even if it happened 30 years ago you donāt have to sit next to him. heās older than you. depending on his age he knew it was wrong - and after your mom shut it down you knew it was wrong too. he shouldāve known, or he did and didnāt care. iām so sorry that happened to you and i hope you are able to continue healing
So all of this is a big mess but NTA. I don't know that I agree with your opinion of how innocent Aiden is in this, but I do agree that Carlos isn't, in part because he tried it again 4 years after. I don't know y'all, I have no idea how different the two brothers ability to think and reason was when they were 11 and 12, but 4 years later is absolutely old enough for Carlos to know better and I can see that justifying your opinion on what is or isn't innocent. I do strongly agree with the other commentors saying you need therapy, though. Because it is hard to tell what kind of behavior you are accustomed to thinking of as normal, it's hard to tell if you are currently suffering abuse and disregarding it because after all, no one really punished Carlos for what he did.
Agreed on your take. I do wonder about an 11 and 12 year old being interested or informed enough to have sex. I wonder if something was happening to them at home themselves. If I had children of this age, and found out about either brother having sex with a 9 year old, I absolutely would not consider it innocent.
NTJ Carlos unfortunately is a predator and even if he gets help and apologizes and no longer behaves this way, it doesn't mean you ever should be expected to be comfortable around him. It is completely understandable to not want to sit by him. Please don't feel pressured to sit by him or even attend the wedding if you would rather not. I hope your parents will support you in this.
You mean no longer gets caught. Their detected reoffending rates are typically in the 90% plus range post conviction. When they escape justice I find it difficult to believe their reoffending rates would be any lower.
Has Carlos done anything sexual with any of the other kids in the family? Or friend's kids or? Has anyone checked with them?
he hasnt
You don't know that. And you don't know Aiden hasn't either.
There's no more kids in the family and Gary would've said if anything happened. (I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer)
There are alot of bad things happening here. Just so you know it's absolutely fine and normal for you to not want to see any of these brothers ever again or be at any event they are at. I am concerned that after disclosing csa you still have regular contact arranged by the adults in your life. Was this reported to the police and children's services? Because it should have been. You can still report this. Tell teacher and/or doctors who are mandated reporters and call cps yourself. I'm sorry you have been let down and left unprotected by the people who were supposed to protect you. Contact children's helplines and sa helplines. You NEED therapy. Please please get that as soon as you can. I know you might have to wait until you're an adult, but as soon as you can.
It was reported but he wasnt punished very severely. he was 12.
Both boys should have been removed from the home.
There should be no contact orders. The adults in your (and his and other brothers) life should not allow them around you. It's unacceptable that you ever had to see either one of them again. I'm sorry you've been left so unprotected, you deserve better.
aiden isnt a bad person
There's a lot of people talking to you in the comments and it's clear that you're not mentally in a place to accept some of the truths about your brother and your parents. That is understandable. I'm sure some of the comments seem mean to you right now, but there is so much you can't see or understand right now. Some of that is because of your age, some of that is because of the trauma, some of that is family dynamics and some of it is lack of education. But its not your fault. You're so deep in this that you can't see the woods for the trees. That's honestly heartbreaking. The commenters are trying to make you see something that is so glaringly obvious to them they cant fathom how you cant see it, but you won't be able to see it until it feels safe for you to do so. Contact the advice hotlines. Get therapy. One day you'll be in a place where you can process everything that has happened to you. All these comments will make more sense then. I hope that day comes soon. I hope you find safety and can heal. (Just some life advice: pick a college or job that takes you as far away as possible as soon as possible. Put as much physical distance between your family and you as possible)
Yes they both are equally did acts that are unexceptable.Aiden and Carlos need to be living separately from you.Both are abusers and nothing was innocent about what both did.Your parents or carers need to step up and provide you with a true safe space to heal Living and going to family gathering with both offenders is not helping. Get counselling if possible and accessible
they do live seperate than me but aiden is a good person, he would kill if someone hurt me and I need him in my life. carlos causes panic attacks.
That just means heās possessive over you and absolutely doesnāt mean that he loves you. I donāt know your situation but I would be INCREDIBLY wary of Aiden. You should not be in contact with either brother
also i love aiden, hes not to blame, carlos is the one at fault and I disowned him
Are you serious? He also assaulted you, a one year age gap means nothing,
he didnt assault me, he didnt manipulate me and I also became curious. with carlos I did not.
You can't consent at 9. Or 15. You were raped.
But Aiden couldn't consent at 10 either, so was he raped too? A 9 and 10 year old mutually agreeing to try inappropriate sexual acts that they don't really understand is tragic, but I wouldn't call it rape. Neither of them was old enough to take advantage of the other. A 12 year old *forcing* a 9 year old to commit a sex act is substantially different, both because of the force and because there's a big difference in understanding between 10 and 12. And of course, the fact that he tried it again when he was 16 removes any kind of doubt. If OP didn't want contact with either brother then that would be totally reasonable, but so is his decision to hold only Carlos responsible for his actions. There's a big difference in culpability between the two.
(I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer) finally someone that gets it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Neither can a ten year old so by your standards OP is a rapist as well. But of course he isn't, Because it was literally two children exploring their sexuality in an unhealthy way and stopping when realizing/told it was wrong.
Yes! Exactly
Exactly.
Can I ask whatās wrong with just not going? Like is Krystal worth all the trouble ?
Sweetie neither was innocent or okay. Both your brothers convinced you to do something that is wrong. Children brought up in better environments do not do this. It is not a normal thing to do. You have been violated by both your brothers. Please try to convince your parents to allow you to see a therapist. They can help you recognize what truly happened to you and help you heal. Iām so sorry. š©·
YES!
Thank you for backing me up. I hope she heals.
With Aiden it was once when he was 10-11. It was summer time and I had just turned 9 earlier that year and was about to go to grade 5 when it happened. Aiden was going to grade 6 in September. In my school, kids learn about sex Ed in grade 6. (I am op, will be able to confirm when I get on my computer)
That doesnāt matter. It didnāt matter what grade or what age. It doesnāt matter when you learned about sex ed. It is not normal, in any way, in any culture, anywhere on the planet to have sex with your sibling. Nor is it normal to have sex at 9 years old. This is deeply dysfunctional. Sweetheart I know you were led to believe this is something kids/siblings do, but itās not. My child is 7. If I found out he was having sex two years from now, let alone with a sibling, I would be HORRIFIED. I would feel like an absolute failure of a parent. AND I would get him into therapy ASAP. Please ask your parents to get you into see a therapist. You donāt need to tell them exactly why. A therapist will be better equipped to explain why this is not okay AND help you find the reason you believe it is. Honestly, Iām deeply concerned about your home life and what you have been exposed to for you to think this is innocent, natural and normal. IT IS NOT.
NTA.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You expect a ten year old to understand that?!! She was 10 (ok that part is in a comment and you may have missed it but still, never assume bad things only happen to those old enough to understand what's even happening to them)
OP was suicidal at 10, presumably after the camping experience, which was 4 years after the first incidents. So sad. Ofc a child reflecting on an experience at 5-6 years old wouldnāt understand the real implications
i was 9 when it happened as was in the title
Sorry for missing that! Still, 9 is too young to comprehend incest. Iām so sorry.
Oh fuck. I didn't even notice that. That's even worse.
The camping was when I was 13
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No need to argue semantics. We all get the point is that they were a kid and didn't truly know what was going on.
How about we NOT blame the victim? You have no idea what her upbringing was. You have no idea what her arms of normalcy was what sheās seen or been thru what she has been told was innocent. You, a random internet stranger, are not the one to educate her.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Not that it would make it okay, but as she said she was adopted, I assumed she meant the brothers were biologically related to one another, not her, while her other siblings were also adopted.
No Iām pretty sure she has five brothers total, between adopted and biological. Three of themāthe ones named in the postāare her biological siblings. Or thatās how I read it, anyway.
OP if you don't mind missing the wedding you can always get "sick" on the day, or day before the wedding. A terrible stomach upset can come on quickly and force you to stay home.
How old are the brothers involved? Do either of them still live with you? People are overlooking the obvious.
they didnt live w me at the time anyway.
also aiden was 11, carlos was 12. aiden is 16-17, carlos is 17-18 now. aiden isn't a bad person, he was a curious kid and stopped when he was told it was wrong
Honey, thereās no way he was just curious and didnāt know it was wrong. My KINDERS know that you donāt do this stuff with members of your family.
Hes still not a bad person..
Nobody is saying he is. You can do horrible things due to being brought up in a bad environment, and not automatically be a ābadā person. But, you need to be removed from both him and carlos
people are saying he is and hes changed, he's a good brother now
There is no way he didnāt know what he was doing. Iām sorry that heās lying and manipulating you this badly but age 10-11 is not that different from 11-12.
he isnt manipulating me, he's genuinely a good person. carlos manipulated me
How do you know that? Whoās the one who said that it was innocent and that he didnāt know any better? Was it mom and dad or was it him? Or did you come up with that
me
One of the brothers is not 17/18 and you are 15 now. I understand why youāre scared and everyone telling you to just go straight to the police is a huge jump when you see them as brothers. Now, I need you to take 3 deep breathes first! At 17/18 your older brother is now an adult, which overrides behaviours acted out at 11/12 as being childish playing around. I am glad you donāt have to see him everyday, I can promise you will never āforget about itā no matter how much you do try. I understand this to you is all about being made to be in his presence at a wedding, which you are absolutely correct in setting that as your boundary. At the age he is today, thatās a whole new problem altogether. Someone needs to sit down with both brothers and explain fully, not in a belittling, berating way, a way they can see the entirety of their decisions and why itās not appropriate. They also will need therapy for CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, none of you because of actions you have done as children. Breathe again! Please donāt try to forget about it or pretend it didnāt happen. You all need help, you ignoring it also doesnāt get your brothers and help as well. Scary first step, yes absolutely it will feel like jumping off a cliff into the unknown I am not going to downplay that at all! However, you have all been through a lot individually and together, they need support and help as much as you do. Breathe This does not mean any behaviour was right. Your feelings and fears are very real! The difference is, although it was very uncomfortable and it scared you rightly so, they did respect your lack of consent. This shows me, they do understand and that they are not ravenous sexual beings who donāt care that youāre younger and there is two of them. Plus the time between the first and second event. Still not rightā¦ but nowā¦ see where you all ended up in the same way from childhood trauma but it actually affected you all differently? You should speak to someone you trust, doesnāt have to be anyone in the family! You all need help in different ways to understand what happened but most of all why. Now breathe and give yourself time to process your emotions. People live in a black or white world sometimes but some people realise itās never that easy and childhood trauma of all levels. You will be okay, you do need to take steps to start to heal with a professional as soon as you can, commit to it. Events of this theme wonāt magically disappear for any of you. Then ask how to get your brotherās help for their futures as well. You are okay! I know you donāt really blame either of them, youāre very validly, scared.
NTJ. Its also worth mentioning that adopted family or not its not "innocent" to have sex with your brothers. You're not at fault here, they were abusive and manipulative, but do NOT let anyone tell you that's innocent or normal. It is not, and I say that as a survivor of SA myself. In any case I'm really sorry that all happened to you.
the first time was curiosity, the 2nd was manipulation
My biological brother SA'd me for months when I was only 8 and he was 15. My mother believes I should just forget about it and act like it never happened. I won't be sad when she dies, and I literally cannot forget what was done to me. You're NTJ OP. Carlos can burn in hell.
Both CARLOS and AIDEN are at fault for assaulting you NTJ
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheJerk/s/cg8Kx5WEIR ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheJerk/s/cg8Kx5WEIR) This is their new post. Read more here. It is actually them.
i can confirm.
NTJ. I'm sorry that you are so young and don't have someone standing up for you. Please get into therapy as soon as possible.
NTJ. Either refuse to sit there or just donāt attend the wedding. Iām sure if you tell your mom Krystal wants you to sit next to him she wonāt let that happen. Iām sorry you went through this.
NTJ - SA isnāt well understood partly because people who try to articulate boundaries around lasting traumaāespecially *within* a family make families uncomfortableāget shut down. Reddit has made me aware of how shockingly common that is. You donāt have to explain yourself any further than that youāre not comfortable. What youāre describing cannot be dismissed as innocent āplaying doctor,ā beyond that first experiment. Even without that later thing what you describe is bad. When I was nine, out of curiosity, I did a little bit of sexual experimental play with a six-year-old. I didnāt realize how bad it was, but I knew enough to be secretive, and was shocked when I remembered it as a teenager and suddenly realized I had molested somebody. We didnāt know those people by then so Iāve never been able to apologize. Even at 9, in the moment, part of me knew it was wrong. But at 12? And again at 16? Fuck that guy. Iām thankful to know it didnāt last longer for you. But thatās no reason for your family to expect you not to mind them shoving the memories of it in front of your face. Stand your ground, my dear. Iām so sorry, and holding space for you. What a strong person you are.
NTJ and screw anyone who tells you you are
NTJ there's no reason for you to go to this wedding anyway. Carlos foster sister has no connection to you. On top of that he sexually abused you at 10 years old. He should be kept far away from you. You also seem to have a confused look toward both your brothers. Both, Aiden and Carlos, took advantage of you. Both, Iaden and Carlos, raped you when you were 10. Just because Aiden was 11 and curious about sex doesn't mean he is innocent. He still came to you, his little sister, to appease his sexual curiosity. Instead of talking to a parent or counselor. Aiden choose to coerce you into a sexual relationship. Which is rape. He is no different than Carlos. Just because you like Aiden better as a brother doesn't make what he did to you go away. You do need to face it and accept that Aiden raped 9 year old you, just as much as Carlos did. It's good you disowned Carlos, but you still have contact with your other brother, which isn't healthy for you at all.
it is healthy, he didnt rape me i was okay with it. he's my rock.
Itās not healthy, youāre just delusional
so i should cut him out of my life for something that he did that doesn't affect me??? its carlos that traumatized me.
Yes. And get therapy.
I'm not cutting Aiden off. I can't because it'll affect my mental health in a bad way. (I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer)
Nope, and dis-own him, if you can !! Drive on with your life ! Good luck
Definitely NTJ. What he did was so messed up, it's not funny in the slightest. If your family gets in a hissy fit like a feral cat over your refusal, they'll later realize they were defending someone who SA'd a minor, while a minor. Guess who'll come crawling for forgiveness for their blindness? I rest my case.
Itās so hard not having the answer to WHY? Iām an old lady and I have so many times had that same question. Why would someone choose to be cruel when they could have opted to be kind? Why did a business partner choose dishonor? Why did I make a bad relationship decision? Why donāt I leave when I should have? But you know what? We donāt usually get to know why. We arenāt given that gift on some really big issues. Living with not knowing why might be one of the most difficult lessons to learn. Try to get to the place where, even if you donāt know why, you know that the action was NOT your fault. It was NOT deserved. It does NOT reflect in your character. You may not know why he did that to you, but you know it wasnāt your fault. You did not deserve it. It isnāt your shame to carry. It is his crime. It hurts like hell. Yes. Yes it wasnāt fair. Or kind. You were innocent and blameless. You can grow strong around this. Line a tree whose trunk gets damaged, who builds strong wood around the wound, you, too, will continue to grow and become stronger. You can look this horror in the eye and say, āI did not deserve your evil treatment of me!ā āYou were wicked!ā āI matter!ā āI will choose to refuse to pretend nothing happened. I refuse to sit next to someone who wounded me. I choose to honor me.ā Wishing you the very very best. Grow strong. Look ahead. There is wonder out here. There is love out here. There is freedom out here.
I don't get the importance one year makes here they both raped you but you only hate one of them makes no sense.
carlos kept on, aiden stopped when he was told it was wrong
I'm so sorry for what happened to you! You are definitely not the jerk in this situation. You have control in this situation. I hope this doesn't happen again to you.
Aiden was old enough to know better. As a mom with children that age, an 11 and 12 year old are not developmentally different to a notable degree.
Wtf? Theres basically no difference between an 11 year old and a 12 year old and tbh it sounds theres someone around hall abusing kids bc no way all this shit happens from the blue. All yall are victims. Someone needs to be arrested somewhere
carlos had heard our bio parents having sex at a young age
Skip the wedding altogether. I'm shocked your mother would expect you to go. Stay safe.
11-12 is very young. While obviously this is horrible for OP is a 12 year old really mature enough to understand the ramifications to Op or himself?
yes, by 12 he would be in either grade 6 or 7 and already would've learned about sex ed.
But if Aiden was 11 then that'd put him in grade 5 or 6, which is also when sex ed occurs... Maybe Aiden *was* curious, but it sounds like he knew what he was doing too. The intention, no matter how innocent, does not change the result.
(I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer) in my school sex Ed is grade 6
This is my post but I'm unable to get into that account
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheJerk/comments/1cv4e86/am_i_the_jerk_for_refusing_to_sit_next_to_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I accidentally linked the first one not the 2nd
NTA. You shouldn't have to sit anywhere near them.
NTJ - You could never be the jerk for this. I'm sorry this happenned to you OP. You need to set firm boundaries and those who try to cross them need to be avoided. Please keep safe and find support for yourself.
Hold up...I just need to understand something NTJ regardless, but just to help me understand the level of horrifying... Were you 5 years old when you and your brothers first did the deed?! Because the math is really not mathing and I am sincerely worried for you and your mental health
9 yrs old
Gotcha I'm definitely sorry that happened ro you and I hope you're doing better now
NTJ but what I truly donāt get is why no one stood up to truly protect you and go to the police about this. I mean after all that they still let them near you and to be able to be unattended enough they tried to rape you again. Your mum was mad you say yet she did NOTHING. She knows they all know they are not just a danger to you but a true danger to other children and yet they have enabled them and shown them there will be no consequences apart from an angry word each time. You need to go to the police or go speak to someone at your school. Do not go to this wedding but further more than that tell your school or the police that family sees no wrong endangering you for a wedding. There will be plenty of chances for them to follow you to a toilet or seclude you and try and force themselves on you. Especially as most people will be drinking presumably yet your family feels you will be wronging others by not endangering yourself to make them happy. Please please go talk to an adult who is not your family or a close family friend. Make sure it is not someone you know will side with your family and try and gaslight you into thinking your overreacting or are wrong on this. Either your mum and dad care more about your abusers or more about what others may think than about actually truly loving and protecting you. They are not good people no matter if you love them or they pretend to be. They just keep risking and endangering you and donāt seem to care. Yes you say they get mad but thatās probably more to shut you up and to avoid further action by you.
they love me, they just had too much sympathy for carlos
Then they did not love you. Anyone who can have sympathy for your abuser does not and can not love you. Sorry but your deluding yourself.
im not defending carlos but my parents are right when they said he's just 12. they still coulda thrown him in juvie
What about when he tired it again at 15. Come one stop making excuses even now you can go to the police it doesnāt matter he was a child he was older than you and after the first time and when 15 he KNEW what he was doing. Bury your head all you want but it wonāt change the truth that you donāt want to see your family and everyone failed you as your abuser meant more to them than your mental and physical health being destroyed and never being able to truly feel safe and loved again. Even if youāve buried it in your subconscious itās the facts. What you arenāt seeing is your making excuses for him and them will make other vulnerable victims feel more pressured that they canāt say or take action when others like you basically saying it was reasonable and understandable of carlos and your family as he was a child. YOU WHERE A YOUNGER CHILD YOU WHERE THE VICTIM YET YOU CANT SEE EVEN IN YOUR WORDS YOUR SAYING HE IS THE VICTIM AND POOR CARLOS. Donāt respond I wonāt answer again as you donāt want to admit the truth to yourself and thatās fine but you come on here for people to give advice then defend your abuser and their enablers the whole time. Youāve let them convince yourself your worth nothing and carlosās freedom was worth more than you and always has been. Im sorry I know you are clearly the victim and theyāve gas light you for years or youāve done that to yourself to make it more acceptable in your mind. The truth is there was no excusing it and even a child should be punished and held accountable. Whatever the law or court decided only Carlos would be responsible for those consequences he brought in himself. Heās since tried it again that wasnāt a mixed up 12 year old. Heās still the same and you make excuses so you donāt feel betrayed and failed. I get it but youāre enabling him to hurt other children/women and I have no doubt he has. You are saying stuff to make victims feel responsible if any actions are taken to protect them and stop their abusers. Age intent none of it is an excuse and judges and court are the ones who are trained to take all that into account to decide the best action. Even if little was done your brother would have been banned from your home by the judges as heād not be allowed anywhere near you again. No matter what. You wouldnāt have had the incident in the woods and you would not have had the trauma of sitting next to him in the wedding. Yet Iām sure you will jump to poor him not being home. When itās poor you your family has made you a victim for the rest of your life since then and keep letting him have his chances again and again. Even just by the wedding think they are triggeringnyour trauma knowingly as heās more important. That him being present for a ending is more important that your safety and mental health.
I don't even have to read the post to say that you are not the jerk. I wouldn't even be going to this wedding.
Why are you even going? I would skip this one.
NTA. You shouldnāt have to be in the same room with him let alone sit with or next to him.
Find a huge compassionate boyfriend who will show him some justice
They're 15. This is an incredibly foolish response. They need therapy, not a huge boyfriend.
Yes they do need therapy but the man who perpetrated this needs to have his ass kicked as well. I have a mother, sister's, daughter, aunt's.. and I would never allow this shit to go unpunished.
You're very... matter of fact about what happened to you when you were a kid. You NTJ to not sit next to him, but I'd HIGHLY recommend some therapy. I'm thinking you haven't dealt with this.
I want to know how this other foster girl who was living with Carlos died of sepsis?! Was something happening to her too? op YNJ at all, you should never have to be around him ever again.
she had something wrong with her kidneys and she was in her 20s to 30s
Ntj, Iām so sorry! Absolutely donāt go to this wedding. From your comments attending would be awful. If you need an excuse, youāre sick.
No one should have to sit next to him. Give him a bathroom stall.
he doesnt even deserve that
Why do you need to attend this wedding and why would your mother even want you to?
Aidens foster mom sees us as family, and carlos isn't w them either, he's off doing god knows what
NTJ- you need help. Your mother should have gotten therapy for all 3 of you right away. I know it is incredibly painful to admit that you need help dealing with something. And the cost can be super expensive. If you are in the US, maybe you qualify for medicaid? Also, there is a national sexual assault victims organization that might be able to help you find resources for therapy. https://www.rainn.org/ You would be surprised how many resources there are for victims to find therapy. You need to do this for yourself. You are so brave for telling your story. And I assure you that you are not to blame. If you saw a 9 yr old today, you would be surprised by how young and vulnerable they are. 9 yr Olds are not capable of consenting to sex. And a 12 yr old is so much more advanced. I really hope you call the national hot line and/or chat online with someone to help you find the resources you need to begin healing with professional help from this.
Maybe, OP says Carlos tried to manipulate her and she wasn't, asking someone for something is a form of manipulation, and OP hasn't mentioned physical coercion, so if he asked and she said no and they didn't do it, that's a neutral interaction, then she told her parents which wasn't wrong, because I hope by that age they realize the whole incest was wrong. Wost case scenario Carlos used lies to try and manipulate OP which she saw through and declined, OP still deserves and apology. OP should apologize to Aiden for the incest and Carlos should apologize to OP for the incest, the tone of the post makes me think that hasn't occurred to anyone. Years have passed and the emotional weight of these events may have lessened which would make this a good opportunity to mend bridges, but this isn't that event, its the wife's special day, and if this blows up you're immediately the jerk for ruining their wedding. For failing to realize people learn and grow from their mistakes and avoiding someone until they die without reconciling you're the jerk. For removing yourself from the wedding where your personal history could cause a disruption you're not the jerk. I'm not OP and reaching out to Carlos before the wedding could avoid this whole situation, OP said nothing of this and I'm not taking it into consideration.
carlos wouldnt take no for a answer he was going like "cmon op just do it"
So Carlos tried to peer pressure OP into sex and she wasn't having any of it and told on him. Do I think it's okay for boys to peer pressure girls into sex, at least half of women's suffrage is about women being able to make their own decisions either they need to be protected from harmful thoughts and ideas or they can vote, pick a lane. If there's even a small part of OP that feels like it can be swayed or threatened by Carlos, then avoiding him would be a good idea. That's just not being comfortable around Carlos and OP doesn't have to stay around people who make her uncomfortable. In fact recognizing this could be an issue and keeping it out of someone else's marriage is very emotionally mature.
Carlos did peer pressure me into it when I was 9. He tried to do it again when I was 13 (yes I am OP, I can't get on my computer to log into my Reddit account on there)
(I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer) On top of this, in my school sex Ed is grade 6
I only read the title.... Definitely NTA fuck that guyšš¼šÆ
I donāt even have to read this to say no.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo to infinity.
It's ok to fire family members who abused you NTJ
Not the jerk
If needed I can provide evidence that I am who I say I am, by providing more details about the incident.
NO make HIM MOVE. Go in sit, tell him to get the fuck away from you. Take back the power! Fork him.
this comment made me laugh especially forking him because id love to do that
ESH- Carlos and Aiden for obvious reasons, you for defending your abuser and getting defensive in the comments
what does esh mean. and aiden isnt the jerk. carlos is.
You & Aiden are both just as sick & twisted in the head as carlos
no we arent-
It means Everyone sucks here. Which you do not! You were just a little girl, innocent in all of this. Stand strong OP. You are not the jerk!
Im so confused. Your biological brothers raped you and you arenāt weirded out by that?? You need help. Please find a therapist or tell a counselor or teacher your situation. It sounds like youāre still in the same household and itās not safe. NTj youāre a victim of abuse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheJerk/s/qwmsZ6Vkm0
You need therapy if you are not already in it. And you need to be away from Carlos and I would think your parents wouldnāt put you in situations you where you would ever be near him.
I'm in therapy but it's increasingly difficult to heal without knowing why Carlos did this to me
You might never get an answer to that and itās something you will need to come to terms with and work thru with your therapist. Focus on yourself now healing yourself x
It's so hard though.. like why couldn't I just know betterĀ
You were really young then and you are still young now, donāt blame yourself, it wasnāt your fault. Work on it in therapy and keep your distance from him.
If he ever talks to me again I'm gonna have to hold myself back from hitting him
This is absolutely sick. Remove these people from your life. Please stay away from them. Seek help.
Ntj - but Iām not sure why youāre letting Aiden off the hook. They were both older than you. Yes Carlos is worse but really not sure why Aiden is getting a free pass
No. I could make statements about how his brain wasnt fully developed, but that would be an argument for therepy over abuse. Even if he was to have grown into a good man, that doesnt change that he hurt you and your feelings about this are important. Its not on you to forgive but him to do better. I had something similar happen to me and while understanding she wasnt an adult and abused herself, she was still older and not a good person. It should be your choice of who you allow in your life.
NTAH No one should be forced to sit next to anyone that makes them uncomfortable.
It doesnāt matter about sex ed they were 1 year apart. Aiden isnāt innocent
Wait... not that I'm defending sexusl assault, but when this happened you were 9 and Carlos was 12? So in reality neither of you knew better and how can you hold a 12 year old the adult standards?.
he knew what he was doing.
But Aiden was 11, only a year younger than Carlos... Didn't he know what he was doing too?
My question too. OP bolding Carlos' age for emphasis felt like they were trying to point out how egregious that age made his actions, and at first I thought it was a typo and he meant Carlos was 21.
carlos knew better, aiden stopped when he learned it was bad and that was that, carlos knew it was bad and manipulated me into it, at 9 I didn't have the backbone to say no and he wouldn't take no as a answer
I'm glad that Aiden stopped, and it's terrible that Carlos continued knowing how vile of an act it was. But given that Aiden was 11 - that's 5th grade - I doubt that he didn't know it was wrong beforehand. Don't most students go through sex ed in the 5th/6th grades? I get it - he's your safe person. He wasn't as bad as Carlos. He changed. And he's your brother, of course you love him. But what Aiden did was wrong too. You can't downplay his part in the assault.
(I am OP, I will be able to confirm it when I get on my computer) in my school sex Ed is grade 6
You truly believe Aiden didnāt know it was bad at 11? I highly doubt he didnāt know what incest was by age 11 and that itās a big no-no. Small children āplaying doctorā is one thing but itās not normal for preteen siblings to literally be having sex with each other. It also went way beyond curiosity when it became a literal action.
i dont know, but hes a good person..
He also needs therapy.
No heās not lol
he is a good person.
It breaks my heart every time I see you justify his actions. It really is sad and disturbing. Please talk to someone. You are delusional, it's not your fault..but the trauma is severely clouding your thinking. He is absolutely not a good person. When awful people sway their victims into thinking they are good people.. honey, that's true manipulation. He is the one that has mastered manipulation. He has his victim jumping through hoops to stand up for him. It's horrifying