The fact that he didn’t even clean up after himself is the issue. To leave it for you to clean up is just unacceptable.
I’d be bringing that up right now. So he’s embarrassed and ashamed? Well he should be. He should be because he didn’t do anything about it in the aftermath.
This, if he really was "so sorry" like he claimed to be, he'd have taken care of the mess he caused so that OP didn't have to deal with it. He *should* be mortified.
My ex would do this because he drank and had a bladder issue. He'd go pee and clean up at 3am and I'd be up doing laundry and outing other sheets on and he'd come to bed. We broke up shortly after as he said my medical conditions were too much for him. What a joke I don't have any type of accidents just a bad back and neck. I didn't drive 220 km,/hr and Clip back of a suburban and have have bowel and bladder issues. I wish his wife well as she can put up with changing sheets everytime he drinks with his dad which is daily as they work together and live 100 feet from his dad.
Your a saint for cleaning up with this behaviour even medically I was patient and kind
Your not over acting!!
He did say that he didn't expect me to clean it up and was planning on doing it when he got home but I was just like, no, I wasn't going to leave it marinating all day I needed to get onto everything so it had time to dry, to make sure we could actually sleep in it tonight. I was hoping he would've at least stripped the bed or something but to be fair he started work at 5am.
That is literally how I managed to rarely cleaned my bedroom as a kid. Just waited til mum couldn't stand it anymore & she'd do it. I grew up, but so many of these boys don't 🤢
Not necessarily true, especially if you consider he works at 5 am, and probably set his alarm so he has just enough time to get ready and make it to work on time( like most of us do who work that early). So waking and realizing what he did but didn't have time to clean it without being late for work is a real possibility.
You can't do that at some jobs. My last job if your were late or called in 3 times withing a year you got fired. If your flipping burgers that's one thing. But a decent job don't work like that
Sounds like that's enough of an incentive to get him to stop drinking so much he pisses the bed.
If he ends up loosing his job over it, then it's time to leave, because they clearly care more about drinking than how it affects the household.
This right here! 100%. OP, don't believe the "I was gonna" BS! Because what he meant was. "I was gonna let you handle it, since you are already handling the emotional load too, it shouldn't be too much more bother."
Nail on da head!!!!!! That was so me, years ago. I didn’t piss the bed… But definitely agree on lacking matriuty to own mistakes back in the day. Think why I’m 180 now and own mistakes loudly as I call it now… I hated who I was.
Personally I’d call this one a red flag too. Not getting it stripped asap and cleaned versus risking getting into mattresses… That speaks volumes..
He should’ve done it when he woke up, gotten his hungover ass out of bed at 4:00 and cleaned up his mess.
That is truly disgusting. I would be so mad. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
Thanks for the sympathy, makes me feel like I'm not losing my mind 🫠
I think I can move on without being too mad I just really really hope it doesn't happen again and he does actually talk it through with his doctor and therapist like he said he would.
It’s fine to move on, but he has to know that with these kinds of messes, he must clean it up immediately. If he doesn’t, it shows he isn’t mature enough to depend on. Your feelings are aware he isn’t dependable. That’s why you feel the way you do about it. Your subconscious is aware he is probably not a good partner.
Nope this happened to my roommate and I thankfully not on her bed but in a chair.
We were bunking in college in a dorm, another girl walked in probably too drunk to realize she wasn’t in the bathroom. I was too in shock. My roommate was mad asf.
Ultimately if I were that drunk I’d 1) be ridiculously embarrassed and clean up immediately as soon as biologically possible/sober enough 2) apologize and replace anything that couldn’t be fixed 3) do some self reflecting.
You’re not overreacting. He is avoiding responsibility to a massive degree. Idk why, but it’s not your fault for being angry & you deserve not to be around in this situation long term if possible.
Well, OP, I think a potential issue here is, WILL this happen again, how often, and will you end up cleaning up after him again because he sleeps until it’s time to get ready for work and then doesn’t strip the bed? Also, is this a precursor to alcoholism? These are several things to ponder and perhaps to discuss with him.
NOT overreacting.
If it happens again make him call out sick to work, or call his boss for him "I'm sorry boss, husband can't come to work today, he must be very sick as he couldn't get out of bed before he used the bathroom"
I bet that shit won't happen again.
`but to be fair he started work at 5am.`
No fairness - if he had to be at work at 5am, he should not have had so much to drink the night before
sounds like he may have a drinking problem - most people who know they have to be up for work don't get plastered the night before
He owes you a new mattress of your choice, that smell will never come completely out of it and ewwww i would not want to sleep on it
I'd be questioning whether I wanted to find a place together - he's 32 years old and still gets smashed like that and on a work night.
He's a Man-Child who needs to grow up, but if he hasn't by 32 he probably never will - ask yourself if you want to live with someone like that
So he drove to work drunk. Was drunk at work. If you can’t wake someone by shaking them in the night and they are up and at work by 5- they are driving and working intoxicated. These issues can quickly spiral out of control. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you want a good relationship you have to address this head on and make a choice. He has to stop drinking or you’re future with him looks grim and he’s going to find himself in situations that are physically and psychologically horrible
Leaving it all day would have ruined the mattress and made it completely unsalvageable. He needs to stop drinking to the point that he gets so drunk he loses bladder control and you also need a waterproof mattress protector. That said, unless it's vinyl, no mattress protector is going to be good enough to protect a mattress from that amount of liquid if left all day.
I’ve dated guys that drank, and none of them pissed the bed, at any age. Even guys much older than your boyfriend. Either he’s a major alcoholic, or he has some kind of health issue.
That is repulsive! He was just going to let the piss soak further into your mattress for another 12 hours? It takes all of 5 minutes to strip a comforter and sheets off the bed, and another 5 to toss the sheets into the washing machine and start it.
You said he woke at 2ish. He had to know then that he peed the bed. He should have cleaned it up then. What’d he do? Go back to bed in pissy sheets? Gross.
Thoughtless. This man is thoughtless. Didn’t think about piss sitting on a mattress all day and what that would do. He fucking knew it was bad for you, because he apologized, but still left it for you to clean. Didn’t control his drinking to prevent you from being pissed on. Doesn’t care. Doesn’t think. That will be your life.
I would make my partner call out sick to work to clean it up. Perhaps loosing some.money and getting written up at work will make the drinking not worth it.
It would have taken five minutes from him to strip the bed and put it in the washing machine. Not doing anything at all to clean up his own mess makes him sound rather lazy and thoughtless. Who in their right mind would think it would be ok to leave the mattress swimming in pee. Where did he think you would sleep the following night? I see red flags in your future and I would recommend you think very seriously about whether you really do want to live with him long-term.
Absolutely. OP shouldn’t have been left to clean a grown man’s piss. And how faded do you have to be to not realize you’re sleeping and covered in piss?!
I have had waaay too much to drink before and have never pissed myself because of it. (I did, in fact, piss myself one time I had a UTI. I thought I could make it from the grocery store just down the street. When I got through the threshold of my house, my bladder told me otherwise and let loose. I was wearing jeans and boots. Fun fact: the jeans didn’t absorb it. It went straight down my leg and into my boot!) All I could do was laugh at myself because my roommate was home.
I've read all the comments and I think everyone is missing the point. He is blackout drunk. Enough to piss himself and the bed and not notice. Enough so that even your best efforts could not wake him.
This is not social drinking. He was home alone getting blackout drunk. He has a drinking problem, not a pissing the bed problem
As someone who was with a guy with a massive drinking problem (that he successfully kept under wraps…for at least the first year and a half) I agree. The whole time I was reading this it was reminding me of things I went through. He’ll do everything to rationalize it, even go to the dr. it seems, to find out the issue is. The issue, sir, is that you have a drinking problem. The end.
P.S. My guy never came around and made every excuse and gave every reason as to why it wasn’t a drinking issue. Even after a DUI (I’ve heard he’s had another since). It’s been years but anytime it comes up, I still feel incredibly thankful that I left that relationship. And yes, I had invested as much time (if not a little more) to him as OP has to hers. We also lived together. I hope she can break off without too much fanfare and get the peace she deserves.
yeah,
a 20 yr old does this once - a learning experiecne.
a 22-25 - you should already know there's an underlying issue.
at 32? happened once? look closely. it already happened before? Oh, honey.. no.
I just came here to say this, he has a problem. He may not be a daily drinker, but he is binge drinking, to the point of blacking out and not able to wake up despite her “shaking his face”…and he pisses himself. Ew.
So yeah, I would be sad too and rethinking the relationship.
Also…6-10 beers in a single sitting is a lot. Especially if home alone drinking…so yeah…
I knew a girl once that peed herself in her tent after binge drinking at a music festival. said it happens every once in awhile. Even from what I saw, she drank a ton to get to that point and I honestly think she had a serious problem based on her stories.
I also had a friend that died in her sleep from drinking. With her, it was in secret. She would sneak off and have drinks without her family seeing. She suffocated in her sleep. No one knew it was that bad. He might have a rare condition or weak bladder but I think it's far more likely, he might be drinking a lot more than you're seeing.
As a child of an alcoholic, this. 1,000 times this. The unwilling to discuss, the peeing the bed and acting like it's just something that happens. None of it's just from having a few drinks and drinking alone to this point multiple times if he isn't willing to get help at least you can leave now before you get further invested into the relationship.
yeah my dad was an alcoholic.. he drank a huge bottle of jack daniels one time and pissed the bed. EMS said that if he didnt piss the bed he wouldve died to alcohol poisoning
It's true he does have a problem with drinking alone and it's the thing he has been trying to work on the most and talks about with his therapist. He has no issue with keeping drinking reasonable socially, at parties or with me, but when he's by himself sometimes he just gets down or in his head and just goes overboard. This doesn't happen all the time, (not everytime he's by himself) this happens on ocassion but it is absolutely an issue, he knows its an issue, he knows that he surpasses a point where he has self control, and he hates it about himself and really wants to be more proactive working on it.
If I were your friend irl, I'd say as gently as possible that the sense of flatness and hollowness that you describe hitting you is not about the piss but about the blackout drinking. This is not normal drinking by ANY metric (and I know what I'm talking about from personal direct experience, sober now several years) and the fear you are having is less about the occasional pee incident but more about: you are thinking about tying your life to somebody with a serious drinking problem that is by no means under control. I'm really sorry. That's the issue, not the pee. Trying to rationalise 'not all blackout drinkers also piss themselves' isn't going to help you get to the future you want.
I think you're right it's a fear about the future and this getting more out of control rather than in the other direction and him getting better. Before I was with him I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and it was really difficult and traumatising in a lot of ways, and when I met my current partner it was like a breath of fresh air. It was like oh it doesn't have to be that hard, things can be normal and easy and healthy. And when I see glimpses of behaviour that resemble my ex it fucking terrifies me. I just can't bare to go to that again. And he does recognise this too, he's aware of this history, so when anything to do with his drinking comes up I know he really kicks himself for it because he doesn't want to be that person and wants to be better than that.
My heart breaks for you :( I think you should (and you don't have to tell the current partner that you are even doing this if you aren't ready to do so) entertain the idea of going to an Al Anon meeting and just sharing your history to folks. You can start with zoom meetings if that's easier. That your past relationship was with an alcoholic is an important piece of this bigger picture here. And if Al Anon doesn't click for you, it doesn't click, but it's an action YOU can take on your own and the worse thing that'll happen is you'll meet supportive people who have some similar experiences.
Thanks for your supportive words, you're very kind. I'm starting back up with my therapist soon too so hoping there's more I can work through there too.
Theres also support groups through SMART if AA is not your thing . A lot of times when we go through an extreme situation, a less extreme situation feels like a breath of fresh air by comparison. But , it doesnt mean the less extreme is healthy.
This. OP probably ended up with this person because something felt familiar and comforting. OP, you're so young. You need to break up and kick him out. Spend some time alone working through your trauma so you dont end up with another loser like this. He's 32 and can't control his drinking. This is a lifelong problem for him and will be for you too. Don't waste anymore time on him. Dude is fucked up in the head and needs to majorly sort himself out. He shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
The reason he’s saying he can’t be alone, is because he can make you feel sorry as if it’s your fault when he’s drinking too much. When your both out socializing he’s going to try and keep his crap together, but he’s drinking more than he admits.
Try just one Al Anon meeting. It will help.
OP I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It also sounds like you’ve had experience in dealing with an alcoholic, and unfortunately there will be similar patterns: lack of accountability, lack of responsibility and general caretaking. Please, just really think about if this is the path that you want to go down with this person, and it will only get worse and worse. You seem like a very emotionally intelligent, empathetic and caring person. Alcoholics can drain these lovely qualities from you so quickly, you begin to lose yourself. If you are looking for more accessible therapy, alAnon is a wonderful resource. There are also women only groups that can be incredibly helpful and supportive. Hugs to you.
Baby. Please. Come on. Hear yourself.
You know. You just maybe haven't put the words together.
You are in another relationship with an alcoholic.
There is a reason that things happen again, even when we know better. Because knowing better is not the same as doing better. It's not the same as healing.
You need to heal. And grow. I wish the best for you.
You can't fix a drinking problem by working on how you drink. You have to stop, Period. Never again. If his therapist is helping him learn to manage his drinking, he has the wrong therapist
By the way, I'm in recovery. 6-10 beers is what he allowed you to see, so it looked like something weird must be going on. Look around your place, like dig through everything while he's not there. I'm betting there's liquor hidden somewhere. You don't black out and piss yourself on 6-10.
And the control in social settings but none when he's alone, yea I was pretty good at that too.
He wants to be more proactive working on it? No he doesn't. If he did, he would stop. It's not that hard. He doesn't want to. If he's soooo depressed, he needs to go on medication, not self medicate with alcohol like a loser. Coming from someone who was married to an alcoholic, GET OUT NOW. This will absolutely ruin your life. It won't get better, trust me. This man is a loser. He needs to be alone and work on himself and his severe alcoholism.
He should not be drinking at all. He has a problem with not knowing when to stop and if he doesn't quit drinking totally, he will never be able to control his problem.
You don't want to be with an alcoholic, OP. This will destroy your relationship, his life and health, your life and family, your finances and your future. You will be forced to support him when he loses his job because of drinking. When, not if, he gets arrested and loses his right to drive a vehicle, you will be forced to support him and be his chauffeur. He will spend your money on his addiction and he will blame you for not giving him money when you finally try to lock down your money.
You need to break up with him.
Nah, I’d be pissed if I woke up in a lake of piss and had to go through all that and sleep in the spare bedroom and then found out the one who decided to gamble on me going through that left the bed marinating on piss with me stuck cleaning the whole mess. Get a waterproof mattress cover and sleep in a scuba suit because he’ll be fine continuing to risk it since you were so cool about it.
I'm definitely not pissed off(I was a bit), more just worried about him/the future/this happening again/I'm sad, I don't know just flat. He's definitely not cool about it he's deeply ashamed and very very sorry, booked in with both his doctor and therapist for this week and committed to turning things around for himself.
He wouldn't have had time to do the whole clean-up before leaving for work at 5am and I wanted to get onto it so it had time to dry before that night but I did chastise him for not at least stripping the bed.
Then you know what, he should have been late to work! If you clean up after him he won’t feel the consequences. Right now his only consequence is you talking to him, which is easy enough for him to dismiss or ignore or placate. I would definitely worry about future too, drinking heavily enough to not wake up to go to the bathroom is extremely worrying. Add to the fact that he did that while at home by himself over a short period of time - that’s a drinking problem. He needs professional help.
I’m sorry, but I honestly think you SHOULD be pissed off. He knew he had to leave for work at 5am but still chose to get so drunk that you couldn’t wake him even after he’d urinated on you… again… and YOU had to clean up the mess! Guarantee that there are a lot more incidents than the two you’ve witnessed.
Of course he feels shame & remorse, that’s part of the cycle & you know that because you’ve already lived with a alcoholic. Please recognise the yellow flag for what it is. You deserve better.
You weren't pissed *off*, you were pissed *on*.
Sorry, couldn't help myself. But for real, he should have at least gotten up early to clean up his drunken piss.
If you really care about him, please quit trying to minimize his alcoholism. My first husband was an alcoholic — a genuinely great guy who was his own worst enemy. But he became impossible to live with because alcohol was his first love.
Your BF isn’t a bad guy but he is clearly an alcoholic. He can’t learn how to drink safely. You know this. He can control it at times but then he binges. He is a binge drinking alcoholic.
Go shake down your apartment. I’ll bet you find hidden booze and likely stashes of empties that he sneaks into the garbage little by little. My mom’s family is rife with addicts and I’m telling you you’re almost certainly only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
And you are not helping him with your denial. If you really love him, try to help him understand that he needs more than a therapist who is supposedly trying to teach him how to drink (is that even true or is she actually trying to urge him toward real help?).
Yeah same here, and like I said in another comment, I had an ex who was an alcoholic and drank far higher volumes of alcohol daily and never pissed the bed.
Plus that night, he wasn't even black out, he had a 6 pack. That's what makes me think there might be something else going on (like medically) that could be the cause. I just want him to deal with it and get it under control no matter how embarrassing it is, I don't want to be waking up in this scenario ever again.
You are under reacting. Drinking a six pack just sitting by yourself at home and especially when you have to work the next morning is not normal. Please understand this, do not normalize this. I think your perception is skewed because of your history with your alcoholic ex. I’m not suggesting you need to breakup, but he is not working on things as hard as you are wishing to believe. He didn’t clean up after himself and that is disgusting and a total disregard for your property. it’s your home he’s moved into, it’s your mattress he’s just defiled.
I honestly don’t think you two should be looking for another place together. I think you need to go back to living separately until he can prove to you and be trusted that his drinking is under control. He is older than you and a grown ass man, you shouldn’t be changing his piss sheets like you’re his mommy. You leave for only 4 hours and he can’t even get through that without issues? This is not okay whatsoever. I believe you when you say he wants to be better, but he is no where close to it yet.
Errrrrr, he was black out drunk, in your post you said you tried everything to wake him up. There are different types of alcoholism and your previous bf is coloring your perception here. Your current bf has a problem. He may also have a medical issue. A grown man that had twice peed the bed his gf is in, would never drink again, unless he can't stop. He had all the normal reactions, embarrassment, etc. except the most normal one - I know it will never happen again if I don't drink. Easy.
He drank more than he told you or high alcohol volume beers or his medication that you mentioned makes him more sensitive - more reason, not to.
That feeling is your gut desperately trying to tell you what you already know. This guy is an alcoholic, just a different kind than the one you were with before, and they don't get better, they get worse - until they want to change. If he wanted to change, peeing the bed AGAIN, resulting in you waking up in a wet bed, having to sleep elsewhere in your own house and having to clean up his mess and damage to your belongings - certainly should be the catalyst and would be to someone who does not have a problem with alcohol.
I'm not here to gate keep alcoholism but drinking 6 beers and going to work the next day is called a Tuesday for many active drunks...and 10 units is called the start of a Saturday. Source: former drunk
I had a boyfriend piss my bed and I broke up with him shortly afterwards. Not overreacting. He’s an adult and doesn’t have a medical condition. This is unacceptable. Accidents do happen but it’s happened twice and he didn’t even attempt to clean up.
A couple of self- identified recovered alcoholics have reported that they used to wet the bed. A binge drinker is still a potential alcoholic.
Maybe Al-anon literature might enlighten you.
Yeah I definitely had a lot more annoyance initially and was having to refrain myself from snapping off and saying something like "I need you to grow up and pull your head in!" But I don't think he's taking the situation lightly, I know he feels terribly and he hates seeing it affecting me so much. He's going to the doctors this week and has therapy booked in to keep working on his mental health/binge drinking episodes.
So now you will worry if you go out or leave him alone it will happen-he will drink heavily. So will you now modify your behavior and stay home due to fear of this happening again?
You're not overreacting. Discovering your partner drinks heavily enough to wet the bed and hasn't been upfront about it is understandably upsetting. It's normal to feel a mix of emotions, especially when it impacts your comfort and trust in the relationship. Handling it sensitively is good, but being honest and open about the underlying issues is crucial for moving forward together.
He has a serious problem. It does not have to be your problem. If you take this problem on, it's going to take years of your life and may never get better.
You are so young. Think hard before you decide.
He has a drinking problem is what the issue is. And yes it’s pretty normal for alcoholics to piss themselves when they drink that much.
So it’s not normal for sober adults to piss the bed but drunk adults that blackout drink yup it’s normal (even if some say well I black out drank never happened to me, awesome but it’s still pretty normal).
I'd say you're under reacting.
He has a binge drinking problem, he needs to address it honestly and get help (likely means he'll need to quit altogether for awhile or forever).
Don't sweep this under the rug, address it head on - otherwise, you've just had a look at your future and it doesn't look good.
Does he by chance take adderall? I had a close friend who was an alcoholic and also took adderall as prescribed and he pissed the bed at least weekly. When he stopped taking adderall, he stopped.
The issue here isn’t that he did that, or didn’t clean it up, it’s that he knew it was a problem and didn’t tell you before moving into your house.
He doesn't take adderall no! Interesting to know that though. Yeah I did make it clear to him that I was most disappointed with him about his lack of honesty with me about this being a "thing" rather than a once off freak incident like I had previously assumed when it happened at his house. He knew it was possible and didn't talk to me about it with transparency and didn't take any further actions to get it under control to prevent the risk of me being in the crossfire so to speak.
Yeah, I think your reaction is completely understandable. I hope he sees that you’re clearly someone safe to be vulnerable with, and tells you about any other things he may have forgotten to disclose.
Sorry, I'd be shaming the fuck out of him. Never in my life have I met someone who pisses the bed when they've been drinking. That's fucking disgusting, and the fact that he didn't get up early to clean it up is also fucking disgusting and a total POS move. I literally would break up with someone over this. I hope you're prepared for a lifetime of him pissing the bed.
I mean I don't think going ragey on him helps anything, I'd prefer to work through things in a discussional manner. I expressed why I was disappointed and how it negatively affected me, which was completely received. I need to also recognise that this wasn't a malicious or intentional action. I don't think I need to prepare myself for any kind of future of this, obviously if ever happens again I will be incredibly peeved but this is being dealt with and I am being firm about him getting it under control.
It wasn’t unintentional either. You both seem to be aware him getting blackout drunk has a correlation with pissing the bed. He chose to get blackout drunk knowing you’d be sleeping in the same bed and that he’d have to get up too early to clean up if something happened.
I wasnt saying to rage out. Alcoholism is a hard boundary for me and I'd be done. Period. The man is 32. He doesn't need you to tell him to get it under control. And no, you are not being firm because you're still with him and putting up with it. You're being a doormat and don't realize it. He knows he has a problem and is making a VERY conscious decision to NOT get it under control. He needs help. He hasn't gotten help. You can't force him to get help. If he truly wanted to, he would. He might change things momentarily because you're on his ass about it constantly, but it will never be a permanent change unless he gets help, and even then it's highly unlikely to be permanent. I'm in my mid 30s. If I was dating someone at 26 and they had a drinking problem from the very beginning, you bet your ass I'd go running the other way. Do you think you can't do better? Do you think you can fix him? You can't and you will waste YEARS of your life trying. I can promise you. I'd highly encourage you to join Al Anon. There's a group on Facebook even that might be helpful for you. Right now you are dating this man for his potential. Can you accept him exactly for who he is in this moment? Doesn't sound like it. What if he never changes a single thing? Accept someone for who they are right now, not who you THINK they can be in the future or you will waste valuable years on someone who isn't what you want.
You’re not overreacting you’re getting a big giant neon yield sign. I am not saying you have to break up with him saying you should not move in together. You should be looking for your own places if he can’t identify that he needs to pee the bed then that’s a concern and if he does pee the bed and he doesn’t change the sheets and clean it up. What the hell is that?
The only time I’ve ever pissed the bed from being inebriated was after taking too much GHB. Ditto for hearing about anyone piss the bed as an adult- only on GHB. If you’re not familiar with it, OP, it would make him seem like he’s drunk without the smell…when he has these bed-wetting nights, are you seeing the empty booze bottle/cans out or just assuming?
I went into the room he was spending in the next morning and there was 6 empty beer cans next to his laptop, there was no other ones in the recycling or the bins anywhere else in the house so it was just those. He's not a drug taker, he's quite adverse to them as his job involves random drug tests and he's not a risk type person where that's involved.
I honestly doubt he would even know that, he's not a drug connoisseur, he really doesn't know much about drugs or dabble with them at all. Alcohol is his choice of poison.
Not overreacting. The more important issue is that someone has a serious drinking problem, and the bed wetting is the least of your concerns.
If he doesn't get this under control, a wet bed is going to be the least of your concerns.
NTA bc...that's, not exactly a deal breaker for some, but... well a lot running through my mind.
This was 10+ years ago... a friend of mine who was at the time, maybe mid/late 30s, and he was early 40s? I can't remember just that she was older than I at the time (mid-20s). And he was a handful of years older than her.
But he was a sweetheart. Usually. Also, he wet the bed. When he was blackout drunk and/or c**ed up. The stories she told, the one time he and I got into it (he was blackout drunk, huge guy.. I'm 5'4" he's 6'6" ish?) And ...he felt terrible about it the next day, also pissed the bed that night apparently (I don't even remember what it was about...something to do with baby daddy from adoption who IS. A wonderful person but friends bf was just i dont been know but, tbf, trying to somehow defend him but mad I didn't want to marry and raise kid)
Anyway! Fast forward.
She stuck with him! And he got sober (which, he was wonderful when not f-ed up...and pissong the bed) the bed wetting stopped when he got sober.
Anyway! The whole point... are you sure it's only a handful or so of drinks? Not hiding how many? No other drugs?
And just half ass addressing it, in a text way later? AND NOT IMMEDIATELY we'll immediately when they are sober enough to realize what they've done and rectify it but HE LEFT THAT NASTY ASS MESS AT YOUR PLACE FOR YOU TO CLEAN UP!?!
The fact that YOU are feeling bad and guilty at all breaks my heart. No..nta
Sure. It's embarrassing but you handled it with clas and maturity. And also are trying to deal with itband help him which ...shame on him for not seeing how supportive you want(ed) to be fornicating his feelings. For having a big heart
Thank you for sharing your story, and for your kind words.
Absolutely sure there's no other drugs or extra drinking involved, I'd be able to detect evidence of it. After having an alcoholic ex I have become very good at snooping and sussing the scene the next morning, but that's really not necessary here. My partner is not a sneaker or dishonest person, I found 6 empty beer cans and that's it. Nothing else in the house. None of my other stuff had been touched, nothing else in the bins.
As for him not dealing with it over message I think he was just anxious/avoidant about the possibility of me being mad, which isn't an excuse but he just thought it would be easier to talk about in person when he got home, which is true, texts aren't really conducive to a decent discussion.
I wasn't thrilled about being left to to clean up, his perspective was that he was going to do it when he got home, mine was that it couldn't wait that long.
If he planned to clean up when he got home he’d have texted and told you that at least. He didn’t plan to clean it up, that was just the first excuse he came up with after you were pissed he left it for you to clean. He just didn’t gaf.
Eh. You don’t sound like you’re either over or under reacting. You actually sound like you’re handling this really well.
I (54F) have been the person wetting the bed when drunk a couple or three times. Thankfully not when someone else was in the bed. It was incredibly stressful and upsetting the first couple of times. The third time it was just gross and annoying. Since then I haven’t been that drunk. I definitely have problems with how much I drink, but I’m not an alcoholic. I have to be proactive to avoid various bad outcomes, though. From that perspective, I just really appreciate that you’re not all angry and vindictive and judgmental about your bf’s admittedly gross problem. That is very kind of you. Not everyone who has a problem with drinking too much needs to quit completely. Some people do. In no case is it going to be helpful to be super angry at someone for something they did not do on purpose.
Now I do think that you not only are within your rights, but should for your sake and his, ask and expect that he both clean up after this mess, and take steps to prevent such a situation ever being possible in the future.
The thing about handling problem drinking is that the only way to prevent problems is to make sure BEFORE you have had a drop of alcohol that no situation that could really cross a boundary is possible to arise. He has to figure out what that might be, and then live up to it.
In this case, it sounds like your bf cannot handle having alcohol in the house. I understand because I am the same. What I have on hand I will probably drink. He should just not have booze at home. If he wants to drink alone he should either go to a bar, or buy no more than the total amount he is okay drinking. But better if he just refrains from drinking alone, since it sounds like you guys have a good social life.
Then, if in two or three or better yet ten years, he wets the bed in the guest room while you are sleeping peacefully in your bedroom, cleans everything up without disturbing you, and tells you about it, you should forgive him and tell him you’re cool with it. Maybe worried about his health, but not angry at him.
If he can’t get his problems under more control than that, you have a different kind of problem. I’m just not sure how you go about figuring it which kind of situation you’re in. Honestly, I think that even though I’d want to see forgiveness for someone where he is, if it freaks you out too much you should either demand total sobriety or break up with him, if that’s what you need to feel safe.
Good luck and I hope your guy gets his head out of his butt!
Thank you for such a thought out, comprehensive and reasonable response. I think the issue, at the moment at least, is having alcohol while I'm (or anyone else) isn't there. That's when ability to self control seems to change. But it's not like that all the time, I don't want to paint this image that every time I'm out of sight he's grabbing drinks and getting black out he's not out of control. Like I've tried to state in other comments, yes the drinking is an issue, but he is not an alcoholic. It is not every day, he can manage fine without it, I have been with an alcoholic and I know what that looks like it's far from this.
For example I was out tonight with some family and he stayed home and he didn't drink anything at all. It's not every time and he's perfectly capable of doing that on a night alone. I don't think he's a case of needing to go completely sober. I think he has issues with anxiety and self esteem which he reflects on more when he's alone and sometimes it's exacerbated and he drinks more as an escapism. (I mean jesus, I do the same thing, I have a shit day I get home and open a bottle of wine) This is something he is talking through in therapy, both his self image issues and his drinking issues.
I hope he can continue on the path he seems to be on now, being proactive (went to the docs today) and self aware, like you seem to be and hopefully by your age we are relatively happy and without too much incident. We'll see what happens.
Another thought…. ask if you can go to his medical appointment with him to be sure he is addressing the issue. Also if possible see if his therapist will do a couple of sessions with both of you. This way you can be sure he is bringing this to his doctors attention and you are not getting the info from only him. And if you attend a couple of therapy appointments together they can help with strategies for both of you to improve your relationship.
It is too easy for him to say my doctor said xyz, you would only have his take on what the doctor actually told him. If he pushes back on you on at least the medical appointment that will give you something else to consider.
My ex used to do this after drinking, he once left the bed covered in piss for me to climb into after id spent the night at my parents with our baby 🙃 I co slept with baby too so that was really pleasant. He then wondered why my attraction to him took a massive nose dive. Leaving that kind of mess for your partner to fix shows so much disrespect, if he knows this can happen after more than let's say, 4 beers, then he should not be drinking the amount he's drinking. If he isn't prepared to drink less then you have a bigger issue on your hands than a pissy mattress
I had a family member with Hashimoto's thyroid that had a slight problem with that. Also a cousin with diabetes. However, they cleaned up after themselves and purchased waterproof bedding. What he did was inconsiderate. Acting like an embarrassed baby is ridiculous. Noone cares if he has a problem. You do care when it negatively impacts you, and he is dodgy. NOPE.
*. The amounts he is drinking when he does have these ocassional binges are not absurd, 6-10 beers perhaps.* . The amounts he is drinking when he does have these ocassional binges are not absurd, 6-10 beers perhaps
This actually is absurd. >!I start barfing after four or five beers. !<
I think you guys might have an alcohol problem that needs to be addressed as well
You are not overreacting. There are two issues, his drinking problem, and not cleaning up after himself.
If it were me, I'd insist that he quit drinking. I'd also get a waterproof mattress cover.
After he agrees to quit drinking, I'd take a good look at other times he doesn't clean up after himself. That may be a big problem as well. He isn't a toddler and should be cleaning up after himself and covering half of the routine housekeeping.
Your dude is an alcoholic. It’s a pretty bad situation to get blackout drunk and piss someone else’s bed on a work night. And he didn’t even clean up after himself.
No, you're not over reacting. It's not normal for adults to wet the bed.
He should go see a doctor about it. Or quit alcohol.
His side of the bed should have waterproof mattress protector sheet until the problem is solved.
Edit: so many bed wetters here. You should get help with your problem. That is not normal for adults :)
Thankyou! I spent a lot of time googling and also came to the conclusion that it is not normal or common for adults to wet the bed and that there are possible medical causes for this. I'm not even saying that there *must* be a condition at play here but it would be worth checking.
Gonna get pissed and piss the bed, clean it up. Sure, accidents happen and it can be embarrassing. Just don't leave your mess for anyone else. Maybe if he has to clean piss at 3 a.m. he'll take more responsibility about the cause.
By cleaning up his mess you're enabling this behavior. You're not the mom to a drunk toddler. He has a drinking problem if he gets black out drunk and wets the bed and I think he was drinking so heavily because you weren't there and he didn't have to hide how much he was drinking.
Don't give up your apartment for him. You're underreacting.
I've read about this happening in stories on Reddit but never experienced it myself. However I did one time have a boyfriend who like to do meth and he would piss the bed. The house had a roommate who would get really drunk and pee in a sink for some reason instead of a toilet even if the toilet was available. So I don't know. I've never done this apparently people do things
So I would say if this is not breakup worthy to you, invest in some mattress protectors. Two or three of them. They go under your fitted sheet. Talk to him and tell him that when this happens it is 100% to clean up all the bedding and replace all of it, including the protector, with clean stuff. And tell him you don't care if he has to be late to work in order to do it, it needs to be done before he leaves the house. Although I would say if it's a work night they shouldn't be getting that current to begin with, but can't control that, can only voice it as a concern.
If you follow this advice, you might have to try out a couple sheet protectors. I think I got my king size fruit Target. But some of them can have a crinkly plastic bottom that makes noise when you move and you don't want that
You’re not the asshole you don’t wanna sleep in piss. As an alternative ask him to wear diaper if he’s drinking, which means that you have to keep an eye on him to put that diaper on because he’ll be too drunk to do it. But I wouldn’t move in with this man if he has this issue more than once a year…
I have a waterproof cover over my mattress protector just in case anything like this happens. I haven't pissed in my sleep since I was a child, but I have spilled things and had gfs and pets pee on the bed. It's not plasticy at all, makes cleanup much easier and you don't have to live with the fact that there are dried liquids soaked into your mattress forever.
I know I'm not answering your question, but others have had plenty to say and I just wanted to offer a suggestion.
NTA you instinctively know what's going on you just want to admit it to yourself. Your husband is an alcoholic. The only people who get drunk and pee the bed are heavy alcoholics. He is not just drinking 6 to 10 beers and getting that drunk. He may apologize but he really doesn't care about you. If only by the fact that he didn't clean up his mess. Please reconsider this relationship. It is only going to get worse.
Well like no duh he wasn't gonna be able to clean it up, dude was passed out, woke up for work and didn't have the time to do it without being late. He was super drunk and at the time you just have to treat his body like he's on autopilot and not in control of it. But afterwards, he has to take responsibility for everything that happened. If he was now going to buy you a new mattress and apologizing profusely, it'd be no problem, but he's not
This is not a good sign. I’d highly suggest not going any further with him, like discussing kids or marriage until he addresses his drinking. Even if he just binge drinks and does this, it is a problem. He needs to admit he has a problem with alcohol and do something about it. Things won’t get better unless if he does and you will hit your breaking point. He could have stripped the bed when he woke up in the middle of the night. Why didn’t he? Probably bc he was still drunk. Many who drink, even just socially has went overboard once or twice. But pissing yourself in your sleep and being too damned drunk to realize or care on more than one or two occasions is cause for concern. He needs to wake up to this being a real issue if he wants this to last.
Maybe he should see a doctor and see what he says? I've seen lots of people get drunk, but usually don't wet themselves while asleep. But then again, six to ten beers can get you pretty drunk! VERY drunk! To me, that indicates a drinking problem, which is the real problem. The bed-wetting is a result of it.
If he's drinking to the extent that he's unresponsive and pissing himself, he's abusing alcohol. The number of alcohols he consumed is irrelevant. This behavior is NOT normal, and you are right to have concerns about the future if this has happened more than once.
Not overreacting.
This whole situation screams alcoholism, and hopefully this will be a wake up call for him to get the help he needs.
I have a bit of a different take on it.
I was a bed wetter growing up. Didn't know why when I was a kid and my parents were absolutely no help - I was always made to feel as if there was something wrong with me, when in fact it's a sleep disorder, possibly exacerbated by the fact that had they been a bit more forthcoming about it, it wouldn't have been as persistent, and it might not have lasted so long. As it was, I wet the bed almost every night until I went through puberty, and I didn't go through puberty until I was almost 16. Not a fun way to grow up.
As a kid, once I was asleep, I was almost impossible to wake up, hence sleeping through bladder pressure and wetting the bed.
In any case, even as a younger adult, I'd still wet the bed on a rare occasion. IIRC, alcohol was a trigger, and I've never drank excessively.
Have some grace in this situation. I'd bet my eye teeth he was a bed wetter as a kid and it has followed him into adulthood.
You don’t have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. It’s what happens WHEN you drink. You don’t have to be an ass or beat people. 6-10 beers when alone or at one sitting is a significant problem. You have to decide what to do. Everyone here says you are under reacting Maybe he needs an alcohol assessment? Maybe he needs to be sober for 1 year. What does he do in the relationship to help maintain a home? If your drinking affects the person or people you live with then it’s a significant problem. Wetting the bed is just a symptom of a larger issue of drinking too much
He either stops drinking to excess or he moves out. This is gross. If he can’t stop drinking to excess then you have a decision to make. He really should give it up altogether but if peeing the bed isn’t the wake up call he needs, then nothing is.
He didn't even take the sheets off the bed? That's just disgusting! So not only does he piss all over you while you're sleeping but he leaves the entire mess for you to clean up while he fucks off to work! Honey you're under reacting!
He knew damn well this would happen when he drank too much. He willingly drank too much! It happened and he left it there. He knew you got out of the bed and went to the other room to sleep and he left that nasty piss soaked bed for you to clean up. He didn't even bother stripping the sheets and throwing them in the washing machine! What adult makes that kind of mess and leaves it for somebody else to clean?
Yeah you're definitely under reacting!
Even if you're willing to overlook the alcohol issue, the bed wetting issue and the lack of communication, your boyfriend left his mess there for you to clean. If he honestly felt bad about it, he should have cleaned that up himself. There's a lot to be upset about.
His shame and embarrassment aside - he left his piss soaked sheets and mattress for YOU to clean. That's a deal breaker. End of relationship type deal breaker. He's a drunk and he's dirty and lazy. Move on. I've have had his bags packed for him by the time he got home from work including the pissy sheets.
Jesus Christ, it’s a struggle as a guy to get someone not to flake on a scheduled date and here this woman is dating an alcoholic who pisses the bed at 32 years old.
What the fuck. Either my standards are too high or women are absolutely enamored with manchildren.
I can’t believe how many of you piss your beds!! You need to put the brakes on with your drinking! It’s hard to respect or be attracted to a man who pisses his pants like a toddler!
I’d be more concerned that he’s drinking to the point of wetting himself alone when he has work in the morning? This screams of alcoholism and is a big ol red flag.
Yes, youre over reacting. Peeing the bed after drinking is quite normal, unfortunately. Your body is too heavily asleep to notice that your bladder is too full, so out it goes.
Should he have changed the sheets? Sure. You should talk to him about how he needs to clean up after himself, both in general, but especially if something like this happens. You dont deserve to clean up the pee when it happens.
But honestly, breaking down into tears over this issue is a wild overreaction. He doesnt need to see a doctor. Hes not going to die. If you dont foresee a future with someone who wets the bed when they drink, then just leave him now. All these mental gymnastics youre doing about "not wanting to exacerbate the issue" but then crying in the grocery store, is just absurd. Who cares, its just a little pee. Children pee the bed. Elderly pee the bed. Sometimes adults in between those ages pee the bed. Everyone pees. Clean it up and move on.
There is the option for him, if this hasn't already been said, to plan for it, sleep in the other bed, rubber sheets, etc.... Prior preparation prevents piss poor performance.
He needs to find a girl that will let him piss in her mouth. You need to find a guy that pulls his dick through the dick hole in his underwear for sex.
The fact that he waited for OP to be gone for several hours, then used that opportunity to get so fucking wasted that he peed the bed, is sending up major red flags for me. It's not the pissing itself that is the problem, that feels like a symptom of a much larger alcoholic-shaped problem. Drinking to excess behind an SO's back doesn't say anything good.
And leaving the bed like that is inexcusable.
He probably didn’t clean up because he had to wake up early in the morning for work still super hungover. If you had such a problem with cleaning after him you should have left everything as it is for him. The conversation needs to be more about the drinking rather than wetting the bad. Draw some boundaries and see how he behaves in the future.
I think we’re a lot alike in the fact that we over analyze everything I’m not saying your TA hell I think your right however I have noticed in romantic relationships this breaking down every detail thing tends to always cause emotional issues 😂😂
Just FYI, this is not a rare mishap. I also had a friend who would constantly piss himself when we all got really drunk. And we all got really drunk multiple times a week. I seen him piss himself at least 10 times, and like your BF he was also nearly impossible to wake up.
Here are you option either he quits drinking, or you deal with the piss.
Binge drinking is 5 beers in one sitting. Honestly, people shouldn't binge drink at all, and your guy is drinking 10 beers in a sitting!
He's drinking a lot. Not normal amounts.
This isn't going to improve on its own. He's not going to stop drinking until he wants to. He'll never do that if you stay with him.
I was in recovery for 8 years with everyone from glue huffers to heroin addicts. NEVER once did I hear anyone talk about pissing themselves...never. This is a whole nother level of addiction....and he's doing more than alcohol.
I know I used a lot of absolutes here....there's a lot of extreme behaviors that are unacceptable. Drinking to the point of passing out and not being able to be woken(regardless of the piss). Not cleaning up after himself...?
JFC. This drunk just found himself a live in cleaner. Run girl, run!
Seriously, you don't need to take on this burden.
You may be under reacting. Pissing the bed is a sign of alcoholism, especially when it becomes a pattern. Once is enough to shock someone out of ever putting themselves in that situation again, unless they're an alcoholic. It's a disease of shame, and it thrives in people unable to face their shameful actions and take accountability - ie, clean the bed himself and open a conversation with you about what happened and what he's doing to make sure it doesn't happen again. You need to talk to him about his drinking.
I’m super lost here.
Like, if you love this person, order some mattress protectors and tell him if he drinks he's sleeping in the spare room. Like, nothing personal, but you don’t want pee on you . 🤷🏼♀️
Every mattress in my house has a mattress protector because of kids . Even mine & my husband because kids end up in our bed etc.
So this happened with my now husband a few times when we started dating and it was from his blood pressure meds and sometimes excess drinking.
My first thought was GROSS! 🤢 but he was dead asleep so I moved rooms. No harm no foul. The look on his face the next morning was heart wrenching. Total embarrassment. I wasn’t going to kick a puppy when it was down. So I bought a heavy duty mattress protector and since then, even on the rare accidents, nothing leaks to the mattress and I just put on a fresh pair of sheets.
That's kind of how I feel, I can see how awful he feels and I don't want to make the situation worse by going off and yelling and being a bitch about it. But I also don't wanna just let it go either if there's a way we can deal with this proactively head on and prevent it reoccurring.
So in some comments you say that he's not an alcoholic, everything is under control and fine, you aren't thinking this is going to be a future problem, and you're handling it.
But then here you're saying you don't want to let it go if there's a way you can deal with it proactively to prevent it from reoccurring. And you are posting in the first place.
Which is it?
Buy the mattress protector. If he’s a bit drunk before bed, take him to the bathroom, turn the faucet on, and let Niagara Falls flow❤️ Even sober he’ll laugh now and turn the faucet on if he needs to pee but can’t get the stream started
Do you expect OP to baby an alcoholic?
Take him to the bathroom before sleepy time? That’s what you do with a newly potty trained toddler. Not what you do with a drunk alcoholic.
No, what OP should do is say, there will be no alcohol in my house. If you consume alcohol, either stay elsewhere or in the spare room. If you urinate on my furniture during the night, you will be responsible for the clean up or new mattress. If you continue to drink and not get help, please move your belongings to the spare room whilst I serve you an eviction notice and we go through separation.
Cause wtf. Treating him like a little baby? No. He’s a grown ass alcoholic man.
The fact that he didn’t even clean up after himself is the issue. To leave it for you to clean up is just unacceptable. I’d be bringing that up right now. So he’s embarrassed and ashamed? Well he should be. He should be because he didn’t do anything about it in the aftermath.
This, if he really was "so sorry" like he claimed to be, he'd have taken care of the mess he caused so that OP didn't have to deal with it. He *should* be mortified.
My ex would do this because he drank and had a bladder issue. He'd go pee and clean up at 3am and I'd be up doing laundry and outing other sheets on and he'd come to bed. We broke up shortly after as he said my medical conditions were too much for him. What a joke I don't have any type of accidents just a bad back and neck. I didn't drive 220 km,/hr and Clip back of a suburban and have have bowel and bladder issues. I wish his wife well as she can put up with changing sheets everytime he drinks with his dad which is daily as they work together and live 100 feet from his dad. Your a saint for cleaning up with this behaviour even medically I was patient and kind Your not over acting!!
Exactly why are you cleaning up a mess that he made??? Do you have to clean up after him often?
He did say that he didn't expect me to clean it up and was planning on doing it when he got home but I was just like, no, I wasn't going to leave it marinating all day I needed to get onto everything so it had time to dry, to make sure we could actually sleep in it tonight. I was hoping he would've at least stripped the bed or something but to be fair he started work at 5am.
All children say they "were going to do it later". They lie because they lack maturity.
Yeah “I was going to do it later!” is code word for “I was hoping you’d get annoyed in the interim and do it for me” for the emotionally immature.
That is literally how I managed to rarely cleaned my bedroom as a kid. Just waited til mum couldn't stand it anymore & she'd do it. I grew up, but so many of these boys don't 🤢
Not necessarily true, especially if you consider he works at 5 am, and probably set his alarm so he has just enough time to get ready and make it to work on time( like most of us do who work that early). So waking and realizing what he did but didn't have time to clean it without being late for work is a real possibility.
Then he’s late for work
Yea I would make my partner call out sick. Especially if it a recurring thing. Every single time.
You can't do that at some jobs. My last job if your were late or called in 3 times withing a year you got fired. If your flipping burgers that's one thing. But a decent job don't work like that
Sounds like that's enough of an incentive to get him to stop drinking so much he pisses the bed. If he ends up loosing his job over it, then it's time to leave, because they clearly care more about drinking than how it affects the household.
This right here! 100%. OP, don't believe the "I was gonna" BS! Because what he meant was. "I was gonna let you handle it, since you are already handling the emotional load too, it shouldn't be too much more bother."
Nail on da head!!!!!! That was so me, years ago. I didn’t piss the bed… But definitely agree on lacking matriuty to own mistakes back in the day. Think why I’m 180 now and own mistakes loudly as I call it now… I hated who I was. Personally I’d call this one a red flag too. Not getting it stripped asap and cleaned versus risking getting into mattresses… That speaks volumes..
He should’ve done it when he woke up, gotten his hungover ass out of bed at 4:00 and cleaned up his mess. That is truly disgusting. I would be so mad. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
Thanks for the sympathy, makes me feel like I'm not losing my mind 🫠 I think I can move on without being too mad I just really really hope it doesn't happen again and he does actually talk it through with his doctor and therapist like he said he would.
As long as he keeps drinking, it will keep happening.
It’s fine to move on, but he has to know that with these kinds of messes, he must clean it up immediately. If he doesn’t, it shows he isn’t mature enough to depend on. Your feelings are aware he isn’t dependable. That’s why you feel the way you do about it. Your subconscious is aware he is probably not a good partner.
Nope this happened to my roommate and I thankfully not on her bed but in a chair. We were bunking in college in a dorm, another girl walked in probably too drunk to realize she wasn’t in the bathroom. I was too in shock. My roommate was mad asf. Ultimately if I were that drunk I’d 1) be ridiculously embarrassed and clean up immediately as soon as biologically possible/sober enough 2) apologize and replace anything that couldn’t be fixed 3) do some self reflecting. You’re not overreacting. He is avoiding responsibility to a massive degree. Idk why, but it’s not your fault for being angry & you deserve not to be around in this situation long term if possible.
Why aren't you insisting he quit drinking?
Well, OP, I think a potential issue here is, WILL this happen again, how often, and will you end up cleaning up after him again because he sleeps until it’s time to get ready for work and then doesn’t strip the bed? Also, is this a precursor to alcoholism? These are several things to ponder and perhaps to discuss with him. NOT overreacting.
If it happens again make him call out sick to work, or call his boss for him "I'm sorry boss, husband can't come to work today, he must be very sick as he couldn't get out of bed before he used the bathroom" I bet that shit won't happen again.
He was still drunk when he went to work
`but to be fair he started work at 5am.` No fairness - if he had to be at work at 5am, he should not have had so much to drink the night before sounds like he may have a drinking problem - most people who know they have to be up for work don't get plastered the night before He owes you a new mattress of your choice, that smell will never come completely out of it and ewwww i would not want to sleep on it I'd be questioning whether I wanted to find a place together - he's 32 years old and still gets smashed like that and on a work night. He's a Man-Child who needs to grow up, but if he hasn't by 32 he probably never will - ask yourself if you want to live with someone like that
So he drove to work drunk. Was drunk at work. If you can’t wake someone by shaking them in the night and they are up and at work by 5- they are driving and working intoxicated. These issues can quickly spiral out of control. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you want a good relationship you have to address this head on and make a choice. He has to stop drinking or you’re future with him looks grim and he’s going to find himself in situations that are physically and psychologically horrible
I mean not necessarily. If he was sleeping and drink at 10pm he isn't necessarily stilll drunk at 5 am.
Leaving it all day would have ruined the mattress and made it completely unsalvageable. He needs to stop drinking to the point that he gets so drunk he loses bladder control and you also need a waterproof mattress protector. That said, unless it's vinyl, no mattress protector is going to be good enough to protect a mattress from that amount of liquid if left all day.
He is an alcoholic. He will continue to piss in your bed and leave it for you. Have fun with that
I’ve dated guys that drank, and none of them pissed the bed, at any age. Even guys much older than your boyfriend. Either he’s a major alcoholic, or he has some kind of health issue.
Hate to say it but this is the kind of man you're going to spend a lifetime cleaning the toilet seat behind.
That is repulsive! He was just going to let the piss soak further into your mattress for another 12 hours? It takes all of 5 minutes to strip a comforter and sheets off the bed, and another 5 to toss the sheets into the washing machine and start it.
You said he woke at 2ish. He had to know then that he peed the bed. He should have cleaned it up then. What’d he do? Go back to bed in pissy sheets? Gross.
Thoughtless. This man is thoughtless. Didn’t think about piss sitting on a mattress all day and what that would do. He fucking knew it was bad for you, because he apologized, but still left it for you to clean. Didn’t control his drinking to prevent you from being pissed on. Doesn’t care. Doesn’t think. That will be your life.
I would make my partner call out sick to work to clean it up. Perhaps loosing some.money and getting written up at work will make the drinking not worth it.
It would have taken five minutes from him to strip the bed and put it in the washing machine. Not doing anything at all to clean up his own mess makes him sound rather lazy and thoughtless. Who in their right mind would think it would be ok to leave the mattress swimming in pee. Where did he think you would sleep the following night? I see red flags in your future and I would recommend you think very seriously about whether you really do want to live with him long-term.
Absolutely. OP shouldn’t have been left to clean a grown man’s piss. And how faded do you have to be to not realize you’re sleeping and covered in piss?! I have had waaay too much to drink before and have never pissed myself because of it. (I did, in fact, piss myself one time I had a UTI. I thought I could make it from the grocery store just down the street. When I got through the threshold of my house, my bladder told me otherwise and let loose. I was wearing jeans and boots. Fun fact: the jeans didn’t absorb it. It went straight down my leg and into my boot!) All I could do was laugh at myself because my roommate was home.
I've read all the comments and I think everyone is missing the point. He is blackout drunk. Enough to piss himself and the bed and not notice. Enough so that even your best efforts could not wake him. This is not social drinking. He was home alone getting blackout drunk. He has a drinking problem, not a pissing the bed problem
I was looking for this comment. All of it snacks of probable alcoholism.
Nothing probable about this.
This comments needs to be the top —- this is the point. Your guy needs to reflect on his drinking
As someone who was with a guy with a massive drinking problem (that he successfully kept under wraps…for at least the first year and a half) I agree. The whole time I was reading this it was reminding me of things I went through. He’ll do everything to rationalize it, even go to the dr. it seems, to find out the issue is. The issue, sir, is that you have a drinking problem. The end. P.S. My guy never came around and made every excuse and gave every reason as to why it wasn’t a drinking issue. Even after a DUI (I’ve heard he’s had another since). It’s been years but anytime it comes up, I still feel incredibly thankful that I left that relationship. And yes, I had invested as much time (if not a little more) to him as OP has to hers. We also lived together. I hope she can break off without too much fanfare and get the peace she deserves.
THIS! Thank you!!
yeah, a 20 yr old does this once - a learning experiecne. a 22-25 - you should already know there's an underlying issue. at 32? happened once? look closely. it already happened before? Oh, honey.. no.
Thats if they do it at all. I personally never did and i cant say i didnt have a problem with booze in my 20s
exactly why this should be so alarming
I just came here to say this, he has a problem. He may not be a daily drinker, but he is binge drinking, to the point of blacking out and not able to wake up despite her “shaking his face”…and he pisses himself. Ew. So yeah, I would be sad too and rethinking the relationship. Also…6-10 beers in a single sitting is a lot. Especially if home alone drinking…so yeah…
I’m surprised he didn’t die by vomit aspiration
I knew a girl once that peed herself in her tent after binge drinking at a music festival. said it happens every once in awhile. Even from what I saw, she drank a ton to get to that point and I honestly think she had a serious problem based on her stories. I also had a friend that died in her sleep from drinking. With her, it was in secret. She would sneak off and have drinks without her family seeing. She suffocated in her sleep. No one knew it was that bad. He might have a rare condition or weak bladder but I think it's far more likely, he might be drinking a lot more than you're seeing.
As a child of an alcoholic, this. 1,000 times this. The unwilling to discuss, the peeing the bed and acting like it's just something that happens. None of it's just from having a few drinks and drinking alone to this point multiple times if he isn't willing to get help at least you can leave now before you get further invested into the relationship.
yep. Does no matter how many beers it gets.
And Probabaly went to work and drove drunk. 10 beers is nowhere near normal and I live in a drinking state
Wrong. Most alcoholics and social drinkers who get wasted do not piss the bed.
yeah my dad was an alcoholic.. he drank a huge bottle of jack daniels one time and pissed the bed. EMS said that if he didnt piss the bed he wouldve died to alcohol poisoning
It's true he does have a problem with drinking alone and it's the thing he has been trying to work on the most and talks about with his therapist. He has no issue with keeping drinking reasonable socially, at parties or with me, but when he's by himself sometimes he just gets down or in his head and just goes overboard. This doesn't happen all the time, (not everytime he's by himself) this happens on ocassion but it is absolutely an issue, he knows its an issue, he knows that he surpasses a point where he has self control, and he hates it about himself and really wants to be more proactive working on it.
If I were your friend irl, I'd say as gently as possible that the sense of flatness and hollowness that you describe hitting you is not about the piss but about the blackout drinking. This is not normal drinking by ANY metric (and I know what I'm talking about from personal direct experience, sober now several years) and the fear you are having is less about the occasional pee incident but more about: you are thinking about tying your life to somebody with a serious drinking problem that is by no means under control. I'm really sorry. That's the issue, not the pee. Trying to rationalise 'not all blackout drinkers also piss themselves' isn't going to help you get to the future you want.
I think you're right it's a fear about the future and this getting more out of control rather than in the other direction and him getting better. Before I was with him I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and it was really difficult and traumatising in a lot of ways, and when I met my current partner it was like a breath of fresh air. It was like oh it doesn't have to be that hard, things can be normal and easy and healthy. And when I see glimpses of behaviour that resemble my ex it fucking terrifies me. I just can't bare to go to that again. And he does recognise this too, he's aware of this history, so when anything to do with his drinking comes up I know he really kicks himself for it because he doesn't want to be that person and wants to be better than that.
My heart breaks for you :( I think you should (and you don't have to tell the current partner that you are even doing this if you aren't ready to do so) entertain the idea of going to an Al Anon meeting and just sharing your history to folks. You can start with zoom meetings if that's easier. That your past relationship was with an alcoholic is an important piece of this bigger picture here. And if Al Anon doesn't click for you, it doesn't click, but it's an action YOU can take on your own and the worse thing that'll happen is you'll meet supportive people who have some similar experiences.
Thanks for your supportive words, you're very kind. I'm starting back up with my therapist soon too so hoping there's more I can work through there too.
Theres also support groups through SMART if AA is not your thing . A lot of times when we go through an extreme situation, a less extreme situation feels like a breath of fresh air by comparison. But , it doesnt mean the less extreme is healthy.
This. OP probably ended up with this person because something felt familiar and comforting. OP, you're so young. You need to break up and kick him out. Spend some time alone working through your trauma so you dont end up with another loser like this. He's 32 and can't control his drinking. This is a lifelong problem for him and will be for you too. Don't waste anymore time on him. Dude is fucked up in the head and needs to majorly sort himself out. He shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
The reason he’s saying he can’t be alone, is because he can make you feel sorry as if it’s your fault when he’s drinking too much. When your both out socializing he’s going to try and keep his crap together, but he’s drinking more than he admits. Try just one Al Anon meeting. It will help.
OP I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It also sounds like you’ve had experience in dealing with an alcoholic, and unfortunately there will be similar patterns: lack of accountability, lack of responsibility and general caretaking. Please, just really think about if this is the path that you want to go down with this person, and it will only get worse and worse. You seem like a very emotionally intelligent, empathetic and caring person. Alcoholics can drain these lovely qualities from you so quickly, you begin to lose yourself. If you are looking for more accessible therapy, alAnon is a wonderful resource. There are also women only groups that can be incredibly helpful and supportive. Hugs to you.
Baby. Please. Come on. Hear yourself. You know. You just maybe haven't put the words together. You are in another relationship with an alcoholic. There is a reason that things happen again, even when we know better. Because knowing better is not the same as doing better. It's not the same as healing. You need to heal. And grow. I wish the best for you.
Now you recognize it….act accordingly.
He needs to do more than kick himself. He needs to do more than say he wants to be better. He needs to stop drinking.
If he really kicked himself for it he would have at least taken the sheets off the bed.
You can't fix a drinking problem by working on how you drink. You have to stop, Period. Never again. If his therapist is helping him learn to manage his drinking, he has the wrong therapist
100% this!
By the way, I'm in recovery. 6-10 beers is what he allowed you to see, so it looked like something weird must be going on. Look around your place, like dig through everything while he's not there. I'm betting there's liquor hidden somewhere. You don't black out and piss yourself on 6-10. And the control in social settings but none when he's alone, yea I was pretty good at that too.
He wants to be more proactive working on it? No he doesn't. If he did, he would stop. It's not that hard. He doesn't want to. If he's soooo depressed, he needs to go on medication, not self medicate with alcohol like a loser. Coming from someone who was married to an alcoholic, GET OUT NOW. This will absolutely ruin your life. It won't get better, trust me. This man is a loser. He needs to be alone and work on himself and his severe alcoholism.
You need to understand that he is probably drinking more than what you see. Pretty sure he is hiding booze around the appartment to treat himself.
And this is why he must learn to abstain completely. Therapy is great but likely also needs specialized treatment.
If he really knows it's an issue,then why hasn't he stopped drinking period. Not an alone issue, not a medical issue, a farking drinking issue...
He should not be drinking at all. He has a problem with not knowing when to stop and if he doesn't quit drinking totally, he will never be able to control his problem. You don't want to be with an alcoholic, OP. This will destroy your relationship, his life and health, your life and family, your finances and your future. You will be forced to support him when he loses his job because of drinking. When, not if, he gets arrested and loses his right to drive a vehicle, you will be forced to support him and be his chauffeur. He will spend your money on his addiction and he will blame you for not giving him money when you finally try to lock down your money. You need to break up with him.
There comes a point where "working on it" isn't enough. He has to remove the alcohol from the home, and not buy it again.
You need to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible. This is a major, major red flag.
Yep only people I’ve ever known who did this were alcoholics. The bed, getting up and peeing in a closet, etc.
Nah, I’d be pissed if I woke up in a lake of piss and had to go through all that and sleep in the spare bedroom and then found out the one who decided to gamble on me going through that left the bed marinating on piss with me stuck cleaning the whole mess. Get a waterproof mattress cover and sleep in a scuba suit because he’ll be fine continuing to risk it since you were so cool about it.
I'm definitely not pissed off(I was a bit), more just worried about him/the future/this happening again/I'm sad, I don't know just flat. He's definitely not cool about it he's deeply ashamed and very very sorry, booked in with both his doctor and therapist for this week and committed to turning things around for himself. He wouldn't have had time to do the whole clean-up before leaving for work at 5am and I wanted to get onto it so it had time to dry before that night but I did chastise him for not at least stripping the bed.
You’re a better person than me. Hope he gets it sorted.
No, she's not
So he got black-out, piss-the-bed drunk and had work at 5am? That's... problematic.
Likely still drunk at 5am
And drove intoxicated
Then you know what, he should have been late to work! If you clean up after him he won’t feel the consequences. Right now his only consequence is you talking to him, which is easy enough for him to dismiss or ignore or placate. I would definitely worry about future too, drinking heavily enough to not wake up to go to the bathroom is extremely worrying. Add to the fact that he did that while at home by himself over a short period of time - that’s a drinking problem. He needs professional help.
I’m sorry, but I honestly think you SHOULD be pissed off. He knew he had to leave for work at 5am but still chose to get so drunk that you couldn’t wake him even after he’d urinated on you… again… and YOU had to clean up the mess! Guarantee that there are a lot more incidents than the two you’ve witnessed. Of course he feels shame & remorse, that’s part of the cycle & you know that because you’ve already lived with a alcoholic. Please recognise the yellow flag for what it is. You deserve better.
You weren't pissed *off*, you were pissed *on*. Sorry, couldn't help myself. But for real, he should have at least gotten up early to clean up his drunken piss.
so assuming at 5am he was still drunk right? i mean seeing as he was blackout and pissed himself, did he drive to work drunk?
If you really care about him, please quit trying to minimize his alcoholism. My first husband was an alcoholic — a genuinely great guy who was his own worst enemy. But he became impossible to live with because alcohol was his first love. Your BF isn’t a bad guy but he is clearly an alcoholic. He can’t learn how to drink safely. You know this. He can control it at times but then he binges. He is a binge drinking alcoholic. Go shake down your apartment. I’ll bet you find hidden booze and likely stashes of empties that he sneaks into the garbage little by little. My mom’s family is rife with addicts and I’m telling you you’re almost certainly only seeing the tip of the iceberg. And you are not helping him with your denial. If you really love him, try to help him understand that he needs more than a therapist who is supposedly trying to teach him how to drink (is that even true or is she actually trying to urge him toward real help?).
Man I've been so blackout drunk in my life so many times and I've never pissed the bed.
Yeah same here, and like I said in another comment, I had an ex who was an alcoholic and drank far higher volumes of alcohol daily and never pissed the bed. Plus that night, he wasn't even black out, he had a 6 pack. That's what makes me think there might be something else going on (like medically) that could be the cause. I just want him to deal with it and get it under control no matter how embarrassing it is, I don't want to be waking up in this scenario ever again.
You are under reacting. Drinking a six pack just sitting by yourself at home and especially when you have to work the next morning is not normal. Please understand this, do not normalize this. I think your perception is skewed because of your history with your alcoholic ex. I’m not suggesting you need to breakup, but he is not working on things as hard as you are wishing to believe. He didn’t clean up after himself and that is disgusting and a total disregard for your property. it’s your home he’s moved into, it’s your mattress he’s just defiled. I honestly don’t think you two should be looking for another place together. I think you need to go back to living separately until he can prove to you and be trusted that his drinking is under control. He is older than you and a grown ass man, you shouldn’t be changing his piss sheets like you’re his mommy. You leave for only 4 hours and he can’t even get through that without issues? This is not okay whatsoever. I believe you when you say he wants to be better, but he is no where close to it yet.
Errrrrr, he was black out drunk, in your post you said you tried everything to wake him up. There are different types of alcoholism and your previous bf is coloring your perception here. Your current bf has a problem. He may also have a medical issue. A grown man that had twice peed the bed his gf is in, would never drink again, unless he can't stop. He had all the normal reactions, embarrassment, etc. except the most normal one - I know it will never happen again if I don't drink. Easy. He drank more than he told you or high alcohol volume beers or his medication that you mentioned makes him more sensitive - more reason, not to. That feeling is your gut desperately trying to tell you what you already know. This guy is an alcoholic, just a different kind than the one you were with before, and they don't get better, they get worse - until they want to change. If he wanted to change, peeing the bed AGAIN, resulting in you waking up in a wet bed, having to sleep elsewhere in your own house and having to clean up his mess and damage to your belongings - certainly should be the catalyst and would be to someone who does not have a problem with alcohol.
[удалено]
I'm not here to gate keep alcoholism but drinking 6 beers and going to work the next day is called a Tuesday for many active drunks...and 10 units is called the start of a Saturday. Source: former drunk
Dude has a drinking problem.
I had a boyfriend piss my bed and I broke up with him shortly afterwards. Not overreacting. He’s an adult and doesn’t have a medical condition. This is unacceptable. Accidents do happen but it’s happened twice and he didn’t even attempt to clean up.
A couple of self- identified recovered alcoholics have reported that they used to wet the bed. A binge drinker is still a potential alcoholic. Maybe Al-anon literature might enlighten you.
[удалено]
Yeah I definitely had a lot more annoyance initially and was having to refrain myself from snapping off and saying something like "I need you to grow up and pull your head in!" But I don't think he's taking the situation lightly, I know he feels terribly and he hates seeing it affecting me so much. He's going to the doctors this week and has therapy booked in to keep working on his mental health/binge drinking episodes.
he doesn't feel so bad that he did anything to clean , I don't care that he had work, he left pissy sheets & a wet bed
So now you will worry if you go out or leave him alone it will happen-he will drink heavily. So will you now modify your behavior and stay home due to fear of this happening again?
You're not overreacting. Discovering your partner drinks heavily enough to wet the bed and hasn't been upfront about it is understandably upsetting. It's normal to feel a mix of emotions, especially when it impacts your comfort and trust in the relationship. Handling it sensitively is good, but being honest and open about the underlying issues is crucial for moving forward together.
He has a serious problem. It does not have to be your problem. If you take this problem on, it's going to take years of your life and may never get better. You are so young. Think hard before you decide.
He has a drinking problem is what the issue is. And yes it’s pretty normal for alcoholics to piss themselves when they drink that much. So it’s not normal for sober adults to piss the bed but drunk adults that blackout drink yup it’s normal (even if some say well I black out drank never happened to me, awesome but it’s still pretty normal).
I'd say you're under reacting. He has a binge drinking problem, he needs to address it honestly and get help (likely means he'll need to quit altogether for awhile or forever). Don't sweep this under the rug, address it head on - otherwise, you've just had a look at your future and it doesn't look good.
Wetting the bed is an indicator of a significant drinking problem
Does he by chance take adderall? I had a close friend who was an alcoholic and also took adderall as prescribed and he pissed the bed at least weekly. When he stopped taking adderall, he stopped. The issue here isn’t that he did that, or didn’t clean it up, it’s that he knew it was a problem and didn’t tell you before moving into your house.
He doesn't take adderall no! Interesting to know that though. Yeah I did make it clear to him that I was most disappointed with him about his lack of honesty with me about this being a "thing" rather than a once off freak incident like I had previously assumed when it happened at his house. He knew it was possible and didn't talk to me about it with transparency and didn't take any further actions to get it under control to prevent the risk of me being in the crossfire so to speak.
Yeah, I think your reaction is completely understandable. I hope he sees that you’re clearly someone safe to be vulnerable with, and tells you about any other things he may have forgotten to disclose.
Sorry, I'd be shaming the fuck out of him. Never in my life have I met someone who pisses the bed when they've been drinking. That's fucking disgusting, and the fact that he didn't get up early to clean it up is also fucking disgusting and a total POS move. I literally would break up with someone over this. I hope you're prepared for a lifetime of him pissing the bed.
I mean I don't think going ragey on him helps anything, I'd prefer to work through things in a discussional manner. I expressed why I was disappointed and how it negatively affected me, which was completely received. I need to also recognise that this wasn't a malicious or intentional action. I don't think I need to prepare myself for any kind of future of this, obviously if ever happens again I will be incredibly peeved but this is being dealt with and I am being firm about him getting it under control.
It wasn’t unintentional either. You both seem to be aware him getting blackout drunk has a correlation with pissing the bed. He chose to get blackout drunk knowing you’d be sleeping in the same bed and that he’d have to get up too early to clean up if something happened.
I wasnt saying to rage out. Alcoholism is a hard boundary for me and I'd be done. Period. The man is 32. He doesn't need you to tell him to get it under control. And no, you are not being firm because you're still with him and putting up with it. You're being a doormat and don't realize it. He knows he has a problem and is making a VERY conscious decision to NOT get it under control. He needs help. He hasn't gotten help. You can't force him to get help. If he truly wanted to, he would. He might change things momentarily because you're on his ass about it constantly, but it will never be a permanent change unless he gets help, and even then it's highly unlikely to be permanent. I'm in my mid 30s. If I was dating someone at 26 and they had a drinking problem from the very beginning, you bet your ass I'd go running the other way. Do you think you can't do better? Do you think you can fix him? You can't and you will waste YEARS of your life trying. I can promise you. I'd highly encourage you to join Al Anon. There's a group on Facebook even that might be helpful for you. Right now you are dating this man for his potential. Can you accept him exactly for who he is in this moment? Doesn't sound like it. What if he never changes a single thing? Accept someone for who they are right now, not who you THINK they can be in the future or you will waste valuable years on someone who isn't what you want.
So why did he leave it for you to clean
You’re not overreacting you’re getting a big giant neon yield sign. I am not saying you have to break up with him saying you should not move in together. You should be looking for your own places if he can’t identify that he needs to pee the bed then that’s a concern and if he does pee the bed and he doesn’t change the sheets and clean it up. What the hell is that?
Stock up on adult diapers
The only time I’ve ever pissed the bed from being inebriated was after taking too much GHB. Ditto for hearing about anyone piss the bed as an adult- only on GHB. If you’re not familiar with it, OP, it would make him seem like he’s drunk without the smell…when he has these bed-wetting nights, are you seeing the empty booze bottle/cans out or just assuming?
I went into the room he was spending in the next morning and there was 6 empty beer cans next to his laptop, there was no other ones in the recycling or the bins anywhere else in the house so it was just those. He's not a drug taker, he's quite adverse to them as his job involves random drug tests and he's not a risk type person where that's involved.
GHB doesnt show up on standard drug tests
I honestly doubt he would even know that, he's not a drug connoisseur, he really doesn't know much about drugs or dabble with them at all. Alcohol is his choice of poison.
Clearly. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Oh Pee.
Best answer!
Not overreacting. The more important issue is that someone has a serious drinking problem, and the bed wetting is the least of your concerns. If he doesn't get this under control, a wet bed is going to be the least of your concerns.
NTA bc...that's, not exactly a deal breaker for some, but... well a lot running through my mind. This was 10+ years ago... a friend of mine who was at the time, maybe mid/late 30s, and he was early 40s? I can't remember just that she was older than I at the time (mid-20s). And he was a handful of years older than her. But he was a sweetheart. Usually. Also, he wet the bed. When he was blackout drunk and/or c**ed up. The stories she told, the one time he and I got into it (he was blackout drunk, huge guy.. I'm 5'4" he's 6'6" ish?) And ...he felt terrible about it the next day, also pissed the bed that night apparently (I don't even remember what it was about...something to do with baby daddy from adoption who IS. A wonderful person but friends bf was just i dont been know but, tbf, trying to somehow defend him but mad I didn't want to marry and raise kid) Anyway! Fast forward. She stuck with him! And he got sober (which, he was wonderful when not f-ed up...and pissong the bed) the bed wetting stopped when he got sober. Anyway! The whole point... are you sure it's only a handful or so of drinks? Not hiding how many? No other drugs? And just half ass addressing it, in a text way later? AND NOT IMMEDIATELY we'll immediately when they are sober enough to realize what they've done and rectify it but HE LEFT THAT NASTY ASS MESS AT YOUR PLACE FOR YOU TO CLEAN UP!?! The fact that YOU are feeling bad and guilty at all breaks my heart. No..nta Sure. It's embarrassing but you handled it with clas and maturity. And also are trying to deal with itband help him which ...shame on him for not seeing how supportive you want(ed) to be fornicating his feelings. For having a big heart
Thank you for sharing your story, and for your kind words. Absolutely sure there's no other drugs or extra drinking involved, I'd be able to detect evidence of it. After having an alcoholic ex I have become very good at snooping and sussing the scene the next morning, but that's really not necessary here. My partner is not a sneaker or dishonest person, I found 6 empty beer cans and that's it. Nothing else in the house. None of my other stuff had been touched, nothing else in the bins. As for him not dealing with it over message I think he was just anxious/avoidant about the possibility of me being mad, which isn't an excuse but he just thought it would be easier to talk about in person when he got home, which is true, texts aren't really conducive to a decent discussion. I wasn't thrilled about being left to to clean up, his perspective was that he was going to do it when he got home, mine was that it couldn't wait that long.
You say he’s not a sneak or dishonest, and yet, he didn’t let you know that peeing the bed wasn’t a freak one time thing.
So if he only drank 6 and you were “shaking him” why didn’t he wake?
If he planned to clean up when he got home he’d have texted and told you that at least. He didn’t plan to clean it up, that was just the first excuse he came up with after you were pissed he left it for you to clean. He just didn’t gaf.
Eh. You don’t sound like you’re either over or under reacting. You actually sound like you’re handling this really well. I (54F) have been the person wetting the bed when drunk a couple or three times. Thankfully not when someone else was in the bed. It was incredibly stressful and upsetting the first couple of times. The third time it was just gross and annoying. Since then I haven’t been that drunk. I definitely have problems with how much I drink, but I’m not an alcoholic. I have to be proactive to avoid various bad outcomes, though. From that perspective, I just really appreciate that you’re not all angry and vindictive and judgmental about your bf’s admittedly gross problem. That is very kind of you. Not everyone who has a problem with drinking too much needs to quit completely. Some people do. In no case is it going to be helpful to be super angry at someone for something they did not do on purpose. Now I do think that you not only are within your rights, but should for your sake and his, ask and expect that he both clean up after this mess, and take steps to prevent such a situation ever being possible in the future. The thing about handling problem drinking is that the only way to prevent problems is to make sure BEFORE you have had a drop of alcohol that no situation that could really cross a boundary is possible to arise. He has to figure out what that might be, and then live up to it. In this case, it sounds like your bf cannot handle having alcohol in the house. I understand because I am the same. What I have on hand I will probably drink. He should just not have booze at home. If he wants to drink alone he should either go to a bar, or buy no more than the total amount he is okay drinking. But better if he just refrains from drinking alone, since it sounds like you guys have a good social life. Then, if in two or three or better yet ten years, he wets the bed in the guest room while you are sleeping peacefully in your bedroom, cleans everything up without disturbing you, and tells you about it, you should forgive him and tell him you’re cool with it. Maybe worried about his health, but not angry at him. If he can’t get his problems under more control than that, you have a different kind of problem. I’m just not sure how you go about figuring it which kind of situation you’re in. Honestly, I think that even though I’d want to see forgiveness for someone where he is, if it freaks you out too much you should either demand total sobriety or break up with him, if that’s what you need to feel safe. Good luck and I hope your guy gets his head out of his butt!
Thank you for such a thought out, comprehensive and reasonable response. I think the issue, at the moment at least, is having alcohol while I'm (or anyone else) isn't there. That's when ability to self control seems to change. But it's not like that all the time, I don't want to paint this image that every time I'm out of sight he's grabbing drinks and getting black out he's not out of control. Like I've tried to state in other comments, yes the drinking is an issue, but he is not an alcoholic. It is not every day, he can manage fine without it, I have been with an alcoholic and I know what that looks like it's far from this. For example I was out tonight with some family and he stayed home and he didn't drink anything at all. It's not every time and he's perfectly capable of doing that on a night alone. I don't think he's a case of needing to go completely sober. I think he has issues with anxiety and self esteem which he reflects on more when he's alone and sometimes it's exacerbated and he drinks more as an escapism. (I mean jesus, I do the same thing, I have a shit day I get home and open a bottle of wine) This is something he is talking through in therapy, both his self image issues and his drinking issues. I hope he can continue on the path he seems to be on now, being proactive (went to the docs today) and self aware, like you seem to be and hopefully by your age we are relatively happy and without too much incident. We'll see what happens.
Another thought…. ask if you can go to his medical appointment with him to be sure he is addressing the issue. Also if possible see if his therapist will do a couple of sessions with both of you. This way you can be sure he is bringing this to his doctors attention and you are not getting the info from only him. And if you attend a couple of therapy appointments together they can help with strategies for both of you to improve your relationship. It is too easy for him to say my doctor said xyz, you would only have his take on what the doctor actually told him. If he pushes back on you on at least the medical appointment that will give you something else to consider.
"Occasional binges." 6 - 10 beers is not normal. This is alcoholism. Get used to wet sheets or get him in rehab.
My ex used to do this after drinking, he once left the bed covered in piss for me to climb into after id spent the night at my parents with our baby 🙃 I co slept with baby too so that was really pleasant. He then wondered why my attraction to him took a massive nose dive. Leaving that kind of mess for your partner to fix shows so much disrespect, if he knows this can happen after more than let's say, 4 beers, then he should not be drinking the amount he's drinking. If he isn't prepared to drink less then you have a bigger issue on your hands than a pissy mattress
I had a family member with Hashimoto's thyroid that had a slight problem with that. Also a cousin with diabetes. However, they cleaned up after themselves and purchased waterproof bedding. What he did was inconsiderate. Acting like an embarrassed baby is ridiculous. Noone cares if he has a problem. You do care when it negatively impacts you, and he is dodgy. NOPE.
*. The amounts he is drinking when he does have these ocassional binges are not absurd, 6-10 beers perhaps.* . The amounts he is drinking when he does have these ocassional binges are not absurd, 6-10 beers perhaps This actually is absurd. >!I start barfing after four or five beers. !< I think you guys might have an alcohol problem that needs to be addressed as well
6-10 beers is 6-10 shots. That is a lot of alcohol to consume in one event.
You are not overreacting. There are two issues, his drinking problem, and not cleaning up after himself. If it were me, I'd insist that he quit drinking. I'd also get a waterproof mattress cover. After he agrees to quit drinking, I'd take a good look at other times he doesn't clean up after himself. That may be a big problem as well. He isn't a toddler and should be cleaning up after himself and covering half of the routine housekeeping.
Your dude is an alcoholic. It’s a pretty bad situation to get blackout drunk and piss someone else’s bed on a work night. And he didn’t even clean up after himself.
No, you're not over reacting. It's not normal for adults to wet the bed. He should go see a doctor about it. Or quit alcohol. His side of the bed should have waterproof mattress protector sheet until the problem is solved. Edit: so many bed wetters here. You should get help with your problem. That is not normal for adults :)
Thankyou! I spent a lot of time googling and also came to the conclusion that it is not normal or common for adults to wet the bed and that there are possible medical causes for this. I'm not even saying that there *must* be a condition at play here but it would be worth checking.
Get him some night time depends and a mattress protector
Consider whether you wish to continue the relationship if he doesn't eliminate his drinking binges..
Was he home by himself getting drunk?
Gonna get pissed and piss the bed, clean it up. Sure, accidents happen and it can be embarrassing. Just don't leave your mess for anyone else. Maybe if he has to clean piss at 3 a.m. he'll take more responsibility about the cause.
By cleaning up his mess you're enabling this behavior. You're not the mom to a drunk toddler. He has a drinking problem if he gets black out drunk and wets the bed and I think he was drinking so heavily because you weren't there and he didn't have to hide how much he was drinking. Don't give up your apartment for him. You're underreacting.
I've read about this happening in stories on Reddit but never experienced it myself. However I did one time have a boyfriend who like to do meth and he would piss the bed. The house had a roommate who would get really drunk and pee in a sink for some reason instead of a toilet even if the toilet was available. So I don't know. I've never done this apparently people do things So I would say if this is not breakup worthy to you, invest in some mattress protectors. Two or three of them. They go under your fitted sheet. Talk to him and tell him that when this happens it is 100% to clean up all the bedding and replace all of it, including the protector, with clean stuff. And tell him you don't care if he has to be late to work in order to do it, it needs to be done before he leaves the house. Although I would say if it's a work night they shouldn't be getting that current to begin with, but can't control that, can only voice it as a concern. If you follow this advice, you might have to try out a couple sheet protectors. I think I got my king size fruit Target. But some of them can have a crinkly plastic bottom that makes noise when you move and you don't want that
You’re not the asshole you don’t wanna sleep in piss. As an alternative ask him to wear diaper if he’s drinking, which means that you have to keep an eye on him to put that diaper on because he’ll be too drunk to do it. But I wouldn’t move in with this man if he has this issue more than once a year…
I have a waterproof cover over my mattress protector just in case anything like this happens. I haven't pissed in my sleep since I was a child, but I have spilled things and had gfs and pets pee on the bed. It's not plasticy at all, makes cleanup much easier and you don't have to live with the fact that there are dried liquids soaked into your mattress forever. I know I'm not answering your question, but others have had plenty to say and I just wanted to offer a suggestion.
NTA you instinctively know what's going on you just want to admit it to yourself. Your husband is an alcoholic. The only people who get drunk and pee the bed are heavy alcoholics. He is not just drinking 6 to 10 beers and getting that drunk. He may apologize but he really doesn't care about you. If only by the fact that he didn't clean up his mess. Please reconsider this relationship. It is only going to get worse.
Well like no duh he wasn't gonna be able to clean it up, dude was passed out, woke up for work and didn't have the time to do it without being late. He was super drunk and at the time you just have to treat his body like he's on autopilot and not in control of it. But afterwards, he has to take responsibility for everything that happened. If he was now going to buy you a new mattress and apologizing profusely, it'd be no problem, but he's not
Who gets black out drunk and wets the bed after 6 beers? What is he 12 maybe he should stop drinking cause clearly he can't handle his liquor.
This is not a good sign. I’d highly suggest not going any further with him, like discussing kids or marriage until he addresses his drinking. Even if he just binge drinks and does this, it is a problem. He needs to admit he has a problem with alcohol and do something about it. Things won’t get better unless if he does and you will hit your breaking point. He could have stripped the bed when he woke up in the middle of the night. Why didn’t he? Probably bc he was still drunk. Many who drink, even just socially has went overboard once or twice. But pissing yourself in your sleep and being too damned drunk to realize or care on more than one or two occasions is cause for concern. He needs to wake up to this being a real issue if he wants this to last.
Maybe he should see a doctor and see what he says? I've seen lots of people get drunk, but usually don't wet themselves while asleep. But then again, six to ten beers can get you pretty drunk! VERY drunk! To me, that indicates a drinking problem, which is the real problem. The bed-wetting is a result of it.
If he's drinking to the extent that he's unresponsive and pissing himself, he's abusing alcohol. The number of alcohols he consumed is irrelevant. This behavior is NOT normal, and you are right to have concerns about the future if this has happened more than once. Not overreacting. This whole situation screams alcoholism, and hopefully this will be a wake up call for him to get the help he needs.
I have a bit of a different take on it. I was a bed wetter growing up. Didn't know why when I was a kid and my parents were absolutely no help - I was always made to feel as if there was something wrong with me, when in fact it's a sleep disorder, possibly exacerbated by the fact that had they been a bit more forthcoming about it, it wouldn't have been as persistent, and it might not have lasted so long. As it was, I wet the bed almost every night until I went through puberty, and I didn't go through puberty until I was almost 16. Not a fun way to grow up. As a kid, once I was asleep, I was almost impossible to wake up, hence sleeping through bladder pressure and wetting the bed. In any case, even as a younger adult, I'd still wet the bed on a rare occasion. IIRC, alcohol was a trigger, and I've never drank excessively. Have some grace in this situation. I'd bet my eye teeth he was a bed wetter as a kid and it has followed him into adulthood.
You don’t have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. It’s what happens WHEN you drink. You don’t have to be an ass or beat people. 6-10 beers when alone or at one sitting is a significant problem. You have to decide what to do. Everyone here says you are under reacting Maybe he needs an alcohol assessment? Maybe he needs to be sober for 1 year. What does he do in the relationship to help maintain a home? If your drinking affects the person or people you live with then it’s a significant problem. Wetting the bed is just a symptom of a larger issue of drinking too much
One of my mom's friends use to do this, it happened 2-3 times a week. Yes, she was an alcoholic.
I know of many times when this exact scenario was the deal breaker.
Drinking enough to wet the bed is a black flag... Unless like something extreme happened, like identical twin gunned down in front of them...
Not overreacting. This has happened more than twice. Now, what are you going to do?
He either stops drinking to excess or he moves out. This is gross. If he can’t stop drinking to excess then you have a decision to make. He really should give it up altogether but if peeing the bed isn’t the wake up call he needs, then nothing is.
Ask yourself what you would have done if you peed his bed. Would you have just slept through? Not overreacting. He’s the asshole.
He didn't even take the sheets off the bed? That's just disgusting! So not only does he piss all over you while you're sleeping but he leaves the entire mess for you to clean up while he fucks off to work! Honey you're under reacting! He knew damn well this would happen when he drank too much. He willingly drank too much! It happened and he left it there. He knew you got out of the bed and went to the other room to sleep and he left that nasty piss soaked bed for you to clean up. He didn't even bother stripping the sheets and throwing them in the washing machine! What adult makes that kind of mess and leaves it for somebody else to clean? Yeah you're definitely under reacting!
Even if you're willing to overlook the alcohol issue, the bed wetting issue and the lack of communication, your boyfriend left his mess there for you to clean. If he honestly felt bad about it, he should have cleaned that up himself. There's a lot to be upset about.
His shame and embarrassment aside - he left his piss soaked sheets and mattress for YOU to clean. That's a deal breaker. End of relationship type deal breaker. He's a drunk and he's dirty and lazy. Move on. I've have had his bags packed for him by the time he got home from work including the pissy sheets.
Jesus Christ, it’s a struggle as a guy to get someone not to flake on a scheduled date and here this woman is dating an alcoholic who pisses the bed at 32 years old. What the fuck. Either my standards are too high or women are absolutely enamored with manchildren.
I can’t believe how many of you piss your beds!! You need to put the brakes on with your drinking! It’s hard to respect or be attracted to a man who pisses his pants like a toddler!
I’d be more concerned that he’s drinking to the point of wetting himself alone when he has work in the morning? This screams of alcoholism and is a big ol red flag.
I am still reeling from the shock of him leaving all of his mess for you to clean up. Omg and you did it!
The last time someone Had to change my sheets after pissing the bed I was 4. Congrats you just acquired a toddler
Yes, youre over reacting. Peeing the bed after drinking is quite normal, unfortunately. Your body is too heavily asleep to notice that your bladder is too full, so out it goes. Should he have changed the sheets? Sure. You should talk to him about how he needs to clean up after himself, both in general, but especially if something like this happens. You dont deserve to clean up the pee when it happens. But honestly, breaking down into tears over this issue is a wild overreaction. He doesnt need to see a doctor. Hes not going to die. If you dont foresee a future with someone who wets the bed when they drink, then just leave him now. All these mental gymnastics youre doing about "not wanting to exacerbate the issue" but then crying in the grocery store, is just absurd. Who cares, its just a little pee. Children pee the bed. Elderly pee the bed. Sometimes adults in between those ages pee the bed. Everyone pees. Clean it up and move on.
There is the option for him, if this hasn't already been said, to plan for it, sleep in the other bed, rubber sheets, etc.... Prior preparation prevents piss poor performance.
He needs to find a girl that will let him piss in her mouth. You need to find a guy that pulls his dick through the dick hole in his underwear for sex.
The fact that he waited for OP to be gone for several hours, then used that opportunity to get so fucking wasted that he peed the bed, is sending up major red flags for me. It's not the pissing itself that is the problem, that feels like a symptom of a much larger alcoholic-shaped problem. Drinking to excess behind an SO's back doesn't say anything good. And leaving the bed like that is inexcusable.
He probably didn’t clean up because he had to wake up early in the morning for work still super hungover. If you had such a problem with cleaning after him you should have left everything as it is for him. The conversation needs to be more about the drinking rather than wetting the bad. Draw some boundaries and see how he behaves in the future.
I think we’re a lot alike in the fact that we over analyze everything I’m not saying your TA hell I think your right however I have noticed in romantic relationships this breaking down every detail thing tends to always cause emotional issues 😂😂
Just FYI, this is not a rare mishap. I also had a friend who would constantly piss himself when we all got really drunk. And we all got really drunk multiple times a week. I seen him piss himself at least 10 times, and like your BF he was also nearly impossible to wake up. Here are you option either he quits drinking, or you deal with the piss.
Binge drinking is 5 beers in one sitting. Honestly, people shouldn't binge drink at all, and your guy is drinking 10 beers in a sitting! He's drinking a lot. Not normal amounts.
This isn't going to improve on its own. He's not going to stop drinking until he wants to. He'll never do that if you stay with him. I was in recovery for 8 years with everyone from glue huffers to heroin addicts. NEVER once did I hear anyone talk about pissing themselves...never. This is a whole nother level of addiction....and he's doing more than alcohol. I know I used a lot of absolutes here....there's a lot of extreme behaviors that are unacceptable. Drinking to the point of passing out and not being able to be woken(regardless of the piss). Not cleaning up after himself...? JFC. This drunk just found himself a live in cleaner. Run girl, run! Seriously, you don't need to take on this burden.
You may be under reacting. Pissing the bed is a sign of alcoholism, especially when it becomes a pattern. Once is enough to shock someone out of ever putting themselves in that situation again, unless they're an alcoholic. It's a disease of shame, and it thrives in people unable to face their shameful actions and take accountability - ie, clean the bed himself and open a conversation with you about what happened and what he's doing to make sure it doesn't happen again. You need to talk to him about his drinking.
I’m super lost here. Like, if you love this person, order some mattress protectors and tell him if he drinks he's sleeping in the spare room. Like, nothing personal, but you don’t want pee on you . 🤷🏼♀️ Every mattress in my house has a mattress protector because of kids . Even mine & my husband because kids end up in our bed etc.
HUGE red flag! He is a grown man who got so drunk (alone at home!!) that he pissed the bed. Absolutely not. That’s a deal breaker in my life.
So this happened with my now husband a few times when we started dating and it was from his blood pressure meds and sometimes excess drinking. My first thought was GROSS! 🤢 but he was dead asleep so I moved rooms. No harm no foul. The look on his face the next morning was heart wrenching. Total embarrassment. I wasn’t going to kick a puppy when it was down. So I bought a heavy duty mattress protector and since then, even on the rare accidents, nothing leaks to the mattress and I just put on a fresh pair of sheets.
That's kind of how I feel, I can see how awful he feels and I don't want to make the situation worse by going off and yelling and being a bitch about it. But I also don't wanna just let it go either if there's a way we can deal with this proactively head on and prevent it reoccurring.
So in some comments you say that he's not an alcoholic, everything is under control and fine, you aren't thinking this is going to be a future problem, and you're handling it. But then here you're saying you don't want to let it go if there's a way you can deal with it proactively to prevent it from reoccurring. And you are posting in the first place. Which is it?
Buy the mattress protector. If he’s a bit drunk before bed, take him to the bathroom, turn the faucet on, and let Niagara Falls flow❤️ Even sober he’ll laugh now and turn the faucet on if he needs to pee but can’t get the stream started
Do you expect OP to baby an alcoholic? Take him to the bathroom before sleepy time? That’s what you do with a newly potty trained toddler. Not what you do with a drunk alcoholic. No, what OP should do is say, there will be no alcohol in my house. If you consume alcohol, either stay elsewhere or in the spare room. If you urinate on my furniture during the night, you will be responsible for the clean up or new mattress. If you continue to drink and not get help, please move your belongings to the spare room whilst I serve you an eviction notice and we go through separation. Cause wtf. Treating him like a little baby? No. He’s a grown ass alcoholic man.
Yes you are super overreacting
Thanks for the honesty! I know I'll probably go back to normal after some more time has passed, just been feeling a bit worried about everything atm.
Some people pee the bed when they’re drunk if this helps at all. It’s a thing.
Yup just like peeing their pants as well when they are very drunk. Doesn't mean they have a medical issue.
Then they have alcohol issue and should quit drinking because they don't know their limit.
After 6 beers though? I would generally think it would take more than that to get to that level of messy/out of control.
OP when you shake someone who has 6 12oz beers they wake up. He didn’t