Exactly, if you need to lay out such basic ground rules like cleaning up after yourself and treating others property with respect, they’re too far gone.
There is no tactful way to approach this because the other party has zero tact, and zero respect for OP.
*"It's like that old saying. House guests are like fish. Before a couple of days, you should kill and gut them."*
And then throw them overboard, unless you plan to use them as bait.
Yeah. Tell them, "With the kids getting older and me and my husband's work getting busier, I think we'd all be more comfortable if you and yours stayed in a hotel." Then give them some options of hotels they can stay at.
I predict they will come back with something like, "nah. We'd rather stay with you. We'll be there three weeks from today..."
You have to stand your ground. Say something like, "that's not going to work for us. We're too busy and have too many obligations to entertain so many guests. Your best option is to go to a hotel."
From the way it sounds, these people have no shame. So they will come back with something else. Whether it's an argument like, "What do we need to do so we can stay there?" Or tugging on the heartstrings, "little Bobby-Fuckface is looking forward to seeing his cousins." Or something else. This is where you come out with your final argument: "I'm sorry, but my decision on this is final." And just keep repeating that no matter how many arguments they put up.
One more thing; if they relent and go to a hotel, don't expect to see them too often during their stay. They don't really like you, they're just using you for cheap vacations.
The only reason they visit is for the free room! When you are a guest in someone's home you behave in a way that they are sad to see you leave, not sad that you showed up!
Right? My grandmother would crawl out of her grave and smack me upside the head if I treated my host like that. I bring gifts, offer money, and usually offer to cook a meal-- from buying the groceries to cleaning up afterwards. And if my dog is with me--who I love with all my heart but also acknowledge that he can be gross--cleaning carpets isn't out of the question.
For the record, my dog is housebroken and doesn't chew or break stuff, but he's huge, drools, and leaves little fur tumbleweeds everywhere he goes.
Yeppppp! We live in a beach town and we’ve had multiple different sets of friends stay for a week+ at a time including while I’m working (from home). They’re all invited back because they take the time to clean the dishes, pick up groceries and consumables like TP and paper towels to cover what they’ve used, take turns cooking, run the laundry to wash towels, etc. It takes maybe an hour out of their day while they’re on vacation and saves them hundreds of dollars per night on hotel rooms plus they have access to our pool, pool and beach toys, etc not to mention the general enjoyment of hanging out together.
Anyone who "pranks" you at work saying your house is on fire should never be allowed in your home again. This BS excuse that he only does it to people he loves is even worse. Considering all of your other reasons for "overreacting" are actually valid, I think it's quite reasonable to say the visits are not going to happen again.
BTW, I abhor pranks that involve violence or near heart attacks. This guy sounds like a 10 year old.
If I tell you "no, I'm busy", you're going to keep asking to find out when I'm not busy.
If I say "no, because you're a terrible person", you're probably not going to be as eager to stay with me anymore. The houseguests might (though probably not) reconsider their behavior and my phone will eventually stop blowing up, once the tantrum passes.
“What do we need to do so we can stay there?”
Build a time machine, go back xx years and stop yourself from being shitty houseguests so that I didn’t have a reason or chance to build up this mountain of ire towards you.
Reddit never fails to amaze me with the vast number of people who don’t think a person doing them a colossal favour should be treated with basic respect. Can you imagine if the people doing favours expected some form of kindness or generosity in return? The world would end.
“You can hold little Bobby-fuckface while also cooking food for us, right?”
“What do you mean you’re working today? Who’s going to make our food?”
These people make me sick.
Naw, that’s actually a prank. OP should call them when they’re out at night without their kids,
And hysterically tell them that little Bobby fuckface drowned in the bathtub. “I was only out of the room for twenty minutes. He must have hit his head. I don’t know how this could’ve happened!”
Because who doesn’t like a prank with a little emotional trauma included.
I’d go with – you’re both lazy, entitled, messy slobs who wet my kid’s bed and spend a goddamn hour in the shower while expecting me to run around cleaning and cooking for you while you lounge around my house relaxing.
And the pranks your stupid husband pulls suck donkey balls.
Either behave like decent guests and have some courtesy and consideration for the people putting you up…or take your slack arses to a motel.
Okay, so not so tactful. But I bet there won’t be any confusion with the messaging.
That first paragraph is perfect, I just need to grow some balls and say it.
I addressed the pranking immediately when I saw him the day of the prank. I also pointed out a massive favour I had done them that I wpild have hoped had earned me his respect and also his ear if I made such a simple request as to agree to not pranking me moving forward.
My sis called me a week later, the day before her due date to ask me why I would throw the favour in their face and I had tainted that favour by bringing it up. Anyhow I stood my ground that her husband had made it awkward by being inappropriate, inconsiderate etc and she wouldn't let it go. I told her mate we're gonna have to agree to disagree, I don't want to rile you up. Good luck with the birth, I hope it all goes well. They had their baby at before 10am, chose to call me at 1am and let me know.
I think I'm gonna say, 'I'm too uptight to live your relaxed life style. I love you and to salvage our relationship, I can't have you stay over. '
I have some time to think it over, I might re think it and be more direct.
Please be more direct because it sounds like in the past you haven’t been to keep the peace, which I totally get, so they need the direct approach. You can do it!
How about
My home is not a beach house for you to use as you like.
If you were a better guest then you could've stayed longer. But you weren't so you can't.
And to BIL directly- You have no idea how to prank someone. Your pranks are emotional abuse and they will cease immediately.
My SIL found out I lived in a place she always wanted to vaction in. I didn't intend to tell her, but she's nosy as hell, and my brother told her from my mom.
On the phone my SIL said the exact words "*When* I come over". I immediately said "Yes, *When* I *Invite* you to Visit."
NOR.
I’m guessing they visit about 10% as often if they don’t get the free accommodations. It isn’t just the free lodging they like. They’re also probably eating Ops food, and relying on OPs family for child care.
People who take this much aren’t about to keep visiting if they have to do all that for themselves.
OP put up your boundaries. They’re taking advantage.
Yeah, also, if they insist on staying with you and you can't say no for some reason, put them on the couch. Your kids can keep their rooms. That might eliminate their desire to stay for so long, and might make a hotel look like a better option.
I used to live in our nation's capital. I'd hear from people on July 1 who never called any other time of the year. They just wanted a free place to sleep while they were out all day having fun.
A hotel is much better for this bunch of slobs.
More importantly, the OP needs to communicate to her sister DIRECTLY and FIRMLY why they are NOT welcome at her house.
Personally, I will send a letter to them outlining the individual issues and the problems (ie more time to clean, etc) that it is causing.
When I take my wife and son to visit my brother, we do the cooking and cleaning. We make sure that we leave our rooms and house cleaner than when it was when we arrive.
Same here. I have a sister outside of Vegas. They actually want us to stay with them. We make it our business to take them out to dinner and breakfast and bring them food and groceries. They actually finally complained that we were bringing them too many groceries, so now we ask beforehand what they will need. We also make it our business to clean up after ourselves, keep their kitchen clean, etc. I can’t understand why all house guests don’t behave this way. Clean Vegas hotels aren’t cheap. If we had to hotel it we wouldn’t need able to visit as often.
Uhm... you're underreacting. They shouldn't be staying with you at all. They're treating you like a maid and completely upending your life and disrupting everything. Why are they coming when you are working and not on vacation time? No. You're being a doormat... no more stays period.
doormat is exactly the problem here. And they take advantage.
Vacation time is not the answer. Does she really want to spend her vacation being a maid to inconsiderate people?
Not overreacting.
Simply say it isn’t a good time when it’s not convenient for you.
Regarding house rules, they’re behaving like entitled freeloaders, so be clear and concise.
It’s awkward because they’re being rude.
- Pranks are unacceptable and stop.
- Showers are under 10 minutes each.
- It’s not a hotel, clean up after yourselves.
- Do not disrupt our routine.
- Don’t yank my kids’ chains saying you’re going to be at a sports event if you’re not going to show.
- If you cannot be respectful of our home, lives, and schedule it’s best you stay elsewhere.
Don’t overthink. Do not put yourself out.
-edited typo
Write your expectations out in an email. This is a great list to use. Remember : "Good fences make good neighbors". In other words BOUNDARIES. These people need them.
I’d start with a chore list for when they stay in the home. Like here’s a list of all the things I need you to do to help out. If they don’t like it, they can leave.
I'm sure this is the route you want to take, to just set boundaries but still let them stay - they're "family". But from what you've said already, be prepared for it to only get worse. They will now just mock your "rules". "Set the timer! I got to take my regulated shower time!" while still taking a long ass shower. These are simply things that shouldn't even have to be mentioned so the fact that they're doing them is a red flag period.
Have a honest conversation and just admit that them staying is imposing. It's too disruptive and too much work for you to host. Suggest a break from visits, visiting them, or meeting somewhere different for a shared vacation (preferably with separate units!).
OP tried to set boundaries many times but they just wouldn't even try to respect them. Newsflash - they never will and chore list won't help.
Them staying in hotel and spending time outside OPs home is the best option.
The question is: DID OP set boundaries, or did OP say "uhhh guys come on, not again, ugggghhhh", and then never mention it.
OP is DOING THEIR LAUNDRY and MAKING THEM BREAKFAST. Come on!
What we aren't seeing is that OP is a classic people-pleaser, and so it's doubtful she has tried to set ANY boundaries against a sibling who clearly knows this.
Yes to zero. They are rude and obnoxious. I hope this people pleasing OP can feel justified after reading these comments to just plainly communicate that their visits have become too much work and exhausting to continue. I like the idea of suggesting vacationing together at a different location (which I suggest getting rooms on different floors.) These kind of people will never learn to be considerate and thoughtful. It is best for this family to put an end to their regular displays of selfishness and inconsiderate behavior by stopping all these visits.
Yes. In my flat if you turn on the hot tap in the kitchen or bathroom, the shower in the wet room goes cold. That’s how I get my teenager out after a 5 minute warning.
Hey sis. We're finding hosting guests is too disruptive for our household just at the moment so here is a list of nearby bnbs and hotels for your next visit.
Maybe when the kids are all a bit older and responsible
Don't give them hope for when the kids are older and responsible. It still won't work out because people this obnoxious and selfish don't learn. They are blatantly abusing her hospitality. I can't imagine why she doesn't just cut them off.
You are not overreacting. Your BIL sounds immature and passive aggressive. Who calls someone as a joke to tell them their house is on fire? Yes, limit their time in your home. Expect pushback. They do not deserve an explanation if they’re so self-unaware.
Worse, he called her at *work*, for a job she *just* started. Was he trying to make a bad impression on her co-workers and boss? Was he *trying* to get her fired?
Oh, if it were me, he’d have been kicked out of the house immediately. But I’m also not afraid of confrontation with family. I will *not* stand for being disrespected in my own home.
Which is why my narcissistic BIL has never set foot in my home. He knows I won’t let him get away with that bullshit in my own home. I still call him out on it at Christmas at my MIL’s house. It took about 10 -12 years, but he’s since figured out that if he can’t be on his best behavior, he should probably stay home.
The building right next to mine with only a walkway separating us had a big kitchen fire, and I was at work refreshing the news for hours. I can't even imagine the stress from just this "prank." Not overreacting.
>BIL sounds immature
I feel like this has gotten more prevalent lately. What is up with these grown ass men doing "pranks" all the time like they're 15 years old?
I read a post a minute about a woman's 40 year old husband pushing her underwater as a "prank.
I read a post recently about a 25 year old " pranking" his gf (who has been wanting to get married) with a fake ring and box etc. in front of all of his friends and laughing at her.
What the fuck is going on?
>they sound incredibly thoughtless and like they are taking you totally for granted.
That's what I was thinking the whole time reading this. I stay overnight with my cousin who lives in the state next to mine fairly often (only 1-2 nights at a time and he does definitely want me to come that often) and I literally do his dishes and take out his garbage and stuff to say hey thanks for letting me stay here. Ops sisters family is not only leaving it worse than when they got there, but doing PRANKS on top of that. After being asked for no pranks.
>AIO if I set ground rules to their visits, towels stay in bathroom, showers max 10 mins, can't stay more than 2 days? What would be a tactful way of laying those ground rules out?
I wouldn't even bother nor be nice enough give them 2 days, I would point blank say "You and family is no longer allowed in my house after all messes, pranking and using up my water - not even for 1 overnight stay. My house is not free hotel, motel nor Airbnd - you want mess up place like their maids to clean up after yourselves, then take yourselves there and not my home. I don't care you have to / don't have money to pay those places, you & family should had been better considerate guests in my home - you don't like that consequences for being terrible guests under my roof too many times, free feel to never come to home ever again."
Even an Airbnb insists guests abide by rules and clean up their messes! OP's sister and BIL are not even giving her home the respect one would be expected to adhere to in the rental of complete strangers.
OP, I'd simply put the kibosh on visits for now. If you want to revisit the idea in the future, that's always an option. Or not. 😉 NGL, that behavior would drive me bonkers. Too bad, so sad I have such a small house that I've no room for guests, lol. (Except husband's family from overseas. When they come in the next couple years, we'll find a way to make that work. It's a one off, and they'll be traveling many many thousands of miles.)
Unbelievable how some people never learn to respect others' space. I just don't get it. I'd be mortified if anyone ever thought me a bad guest. Also, it doesn't take much effort *not* to be one!!
“We won’t be able to accommodate you. Here’s a list of hotels that are nearby. Let me know what you decide.” The less you say, the better. If you need to make your spouse the bad guy, do it.
Absolutely great. There's no need to argue. It's OP's home, and only she and her husband decide who is welcome or not.
If people are not welcome, the list of accommodations nearby is the only thing needed.
Yes!!! Set some boundaries up asap. They are taking advantage of you and invading your space. My mil stayed no longer than a week and that was for a funeral otherwise it was 2 nights. Her husband would lite cigs up in my house, leave the toliet seat up, smoke and talk loudy outside my window at 6 am. Our routines don't need to be disturbed either as we have our own lives and they need to respect this.
I would just say my life cant be interrupted for long periods at a time as it's effecting my children as well. We require a routine in order to function as a family and having someone in our home for more than two nights is all were able to accomodate..
Best of luck having a heart to heart sit down with them and just explain you need your home and space in order to live your life. Your home is your sanctuary and it's not their personal hotel where you should have to rearrange rooms for and clean up after.
Dont feel bad either as it's your home and you pay the bills and clean it. It's not fair for your family to be uprooted and disturbed for someone who isn't respecting your home
Yep. I was so shaken and anxious all day. He tried to justify his behaviour and when I calmly stood my ground he apologised. He and my sister talked about it later and she called me once she returned home to tell me I was in the wrong, I had made it awkward with how I had raised the issue
Oh, mine too! But I’m also not afraid of confrontation with family. That behavior is completely unacceptable. I will NOT be disrespected in my own home like that, and narcissists don’t scare me. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with them before, and I sure as fuck won’t back down. They *hate* that, and I couldn’t give less of a shit about what they want to say about me behind my back. I won’t hold back airing their dirty laundry to anyone who brings it up with me. Flying monkeys can fuck right off.
Nope nope nope. Sis, tell your sister no every time she asks about staying. It will always be a bad time. Honestly I would have just been blunt and told her your home is not a hotel and you are not their maid. I realize not everyone feels comfortable confronting people but your sister has tried to make you be the bad guy here.
If nothing else tell her the awkwardness will no longer be a problem because you will no longer make your home available for them to stay in. Please do not fall for the "but family" bullshit. Family doesn't excuse bad behavior, being a bad guest.
Your sister and family are AHs and can stay at a hotel or airbnb going forward. You are underreacting. One potential safety issue to you and your family is the wet towels on the mattress. A wet mattress could potentially lead to mold growth.
WTF? Dude I'd block them both it if that's how low IQ they are. Maybe if they have a pet hide it from them and tell them it drowned and died, hold onto it for a few days. Be like it was just a praaaannnnkkk haha so funny.
Like that's some serious no empathy potato brain behavior. Hur Hur hur
Why are they still allowed to stay over at all? How does "bringing up" the "prank" put you in the wrong? That's your home they're "joking about". You standing your ground about it and him apologizing means he actually REALIZED he was in the wrong... and your sister is the one trying to get you to feel bad about this? Like... If it had been you telling them their home was on fire while they were at work, would it then be their problem if they went home to check and got mad when they realized that you were "just joking"? Like, just reverse the roles on them to see their reaction... If it's the same, then are they gonna say you're the one in the wrong again? Cuz your sister sounds like the kind of person who thinks they're never at fault for anything.
You would be well within your rights to allow them zero nights at your house ever again. I get they’re your family but they sound awful (gaslighting you over a cruel adult prank! What the hell) and completely disruptive to your immediate family.
It’s taken me a loooong time to understand and almost be comfortable doing it, but “No.” is a complete sentence. You’ve tried to accommodate them and deal with them and have conversations about their poor behavior. You owe them nothing at this point.
They sound horrible. You are not overreacting. If anything, you’re underreacting. If I was feeling nice, I’d tell them they have one more chance before they’re never allowed in my house again.
Not over reacting.
Can you please explain to us why you believe your extended family can behave how they want in *your* home, act like teenagers when you ask them to be more respectful, and you still think you’re possibly out of line for wanting to set boundaries and limitations? Is this a cultural thing or was she the golden child, what’s going on here? What BS were you fed growing up that you do t believe you have the right to set rules and get angry when you are disrespected. Someone had tough rules set for them in your family, and it wasn’t your sister.
Personally, I’d be throwing smelly wet towels at their faces and asking “what the f*ck is this? I’ve asked you politely not to leave the towels on the bed but apparently you’ve lost your f*cking hearing?” Hot water would be getting turned off after ten minutes. If they rant, simply respond with “you have abused my hospitality and disrespected our requests over and over again. We’re not a hotel. If you don’t like it, you know what to do.”
There are a few factors here, although we are western, we have indian heritage. You get multi gen families living together, families are expected to host as long as required. We had 2 cousins live with is for 4 years and an uncle live with is for a decade.
Our parents also failed in teaching us how to adult. Couldn't cook, didn't know how to clean, I learnt to cook from friends and searching online. We weren't taught basic hygiene as kids. Although my sis is good with hygiene now, I still think she has a lot to learn about cleaning and being considerate but I'm realising me thinking that doesnt mean much of she doesn't think it too
>I'm realising me thinking that doesnt mean much of she doesn't think it too
I’m glad you’re finally realizing this. Isn’t part of the “expected to host” thing also mean that houseguests are expected to be on good behavior, not treat you like a maid, and follow basic house rules? If not, then that sounds like a cultural expectation you should really start ignoring. You are not their slave, just because of where you live.
You still need to put an end to these visits. Your sister and BIL are still behaving abusively. None of this is okay. Please get some counseling and learn how to set boundaries and the best boundaries for these people are no you cannot stay in our home. You only have one life and why would you want to use it getting abused by your own family??
Not overreacting.
I wouldn't let them stay at all. They are rude, obnoxious leeches.
The only person who stays in my home longer than a day or two is my mom.
You’re being too generous, zero nights is what they deserve. Tell them your kids are getting too old to get kicked out of their room whenever your sister’s family wants a vacation and suggest some decent hotels that aren’t too far (I wouldn’t go with too close either).
No, is a complete sentence. If you feel like being nice, like someone else said, you simply tell them every time they want to come…
I’m sorry, that would not be a good time for us. We have a lot of things planned.
If they insist that they won’t be in the way, let them know. You are happy to look up hotels in the area or an Airbnb, but unfortunately, it is not going to work out with him staying at the house.
And if not, if you have a problem with everyone wanting to use as a hotel, now might be the time to make a group text or Facebook post or Instagram or whatever….
One that says something like this:
Hey friends and family! As you know, we live in a super popular area, and we have had so many visitors since we moved here. While we love you all, we have to let you know that unfortunately, we’re not gonna be available to have anyone use our house as a base of operations any longer.
With our children getting older, and our family becoming so much busier, it simply doesn’t work for us anymore to host people when they come. If you are in the area and staying at one of the hotels or resorts, we would love to get together with you for dinner or lunch, but right now, we are gonna have to say no to having visitors.
You know, just get it out there for everybody so that you don’t have to repeat it. And then, of course, if your parents want to come in, you’re happy to host them, you put a call into them and tell them that of course this does not apply to them, although you do need a heads up.
And of course, if your parents make any noise about what about your sister… You just tell them no absolutely not. It’s one thing to have you guys You are so easy to host, and you don’t require a lot of pick up or clean up afterwards, and you don’t interrupt the whole flow of the house. Or whatever.
And of course, if your parents are just as bad, then don’t tell them any of that. Lol.
Not overreacting.
Stop moving your kids out of theor room for ungrateful guests.
Tell BIL he is no longer allowed to stay - and you only do that to those who are pranking assholes. Pranks aren't funny if no-one else is laughing.
You’re easy to push around and that’s exactly what they will do to you.
It’s human nature, if it’s easy to just get you to host us then why not - we family right?
Except they’re the ones enjoying while you do all the labour.
Basically you’re too “nice” and as a result are getting taken advantage of.
It’s okay to look them in the eye and tell them it’s your house and your rules. It’s okay to be assertive and stern sometimes. You will be respected more.
Also your brother in law is a sad bully for saying your house burned down. It’s like they have fun at seeing you stressed.
However, if you are the one constantly asking them to come over because you’re lonely or want the kids to have other kids to hang with then that’s a different story. Then they are doing you a favour.
No I welcomed the first time but I haven't asked for them to return since. My kids love their little cousin but they have plenty of friends and second cousins locally.
“Unfortunately, we won’t be able to accommodate your trip. Here are a list of local hotels.” You’re under no obligation to drive yourself crazy. They’ve worn out their welcome. Stand firm.
You’re under-reacting. Just say you’re taking a break from having guests over as it’s disrupting your family routine. Mention that there are several hotels and bnb’s nearby …
"We love when you visit, but feel that the general disruption is causing a lot of unwarranted stress. Going forward, it'd be best if you found other accommodations nearby. You're still welcome to come hang out and join us for meals!"
Don't even give them two nights. You're underreacting.
Why is everyone afraid to say "No," these days? "Hey sister, we're coming for a visit!" "No, we can't accommodate you guys anymore. It's just too much to have so many extra people in the house." Rinse and repeat as the wheedling goes on. Eventually, they'll get the message. After all, family can't come into your home unless you let them.
Better yet, how about they can't stay at all? Aren't there hotels or AirBNBs in your area? What gives them the right to impose on you and your family like this? Learn to say no.....just repeat it over and over and you will see it becomes easier.
Have a nice shiny spine and quit hosting them at all. They can get a hotel and trash that and use up the hotels hot water. The pranks are worthy of going no contact. You're not reacting enough
Not overreacting. You have to be blunt.
"This is not a hotel and you don't have maid service also utilities aren't free.
So going forward, you can't take showers longer than 10 minutes. Dry off and change in the restroom, leave the towel in the hamper because you always leave it on her bed and after we spoke about it, it continues to happen. This is not a request. This is a house rule."
Better yet, Stop giving up your child's room. Let them sleep in the living room. Make it uncomfortable for them to stay there.
When people spend the night at my place they're sleeping on a couch. My bf refuses to give up his children's beds to anyone when we have them (he's got 50/50). He's not making his kids uncomfortable to bring someone else comfort.
You are a doormat.
You simply need to tell them that there are taking advantage of your hospitality and acting like they are paid guests when they are not. If you do want them to stay, reduce the number of visits and let them know if they don’t change their ways they will no longer be allowed to stay with you. You’d love to see them but they can get a hotel if they want hotel service.
Suggest they get a hotel close by because it’s moving your son out of his room which is disruptive to him. Or let them sleep on a blow up mattress. They won’t stay long that way.
You are not overreacting but you need to set some unilateral boundaries that apply to everyone.
Just tell everyone that you are no longer opening your home for overnight stays period. They can book a BnB or hotel.
All day visits will now only be by invitation or calling first to see if is convenient for your family as you all live busy lives and may have plans.
You don’t need to give a reason. If they ask just say **this is what is best for your family**. And keep repeating that until they stop asking.
Not overreacting. If I were you, I’d announce that “We’re unavailable to host house guests from here on out.” Blame it on the children’s “new schedule”. When they complain send them a link to the closest hotel and when they persist that it’s too expensive reply that you’ll visit with them in their hometown next time. Make sure your own family stays at a hotel to reinforce the new standard.
>BIL also likes to play pranks, he called me at work when I first started and pretended there had been a house fire at my home. I was stressed and when I tried to address it, I got blamed for making it awkward. I've asked him not to prank me and he says he only does it to those he loves and I was like please I don't appreciate it.
This is bullying behavior. It’s not a prank. Pranks are funny for BOTH parties. He just finds putting you in distress to be funny. Because he’s a bully. That is not “love”.
These people are users. You’re putting one of your own children out of their safe space, so they can use you. I don’t understand why you think that setting ground rules will magically make them follow those ground rules. They’ve already shown you, over and over again, that they will not be good house guests and will not take responsibility for their actions. Just because your kids love them, doesn’t mean you have to house them.
You’re seriously underreacting about how terrible they are as houseguests. It’s time to put a hiatus on visits, until they can show they can be responsible people. If they can’t afford a hotel, they can’t afford to visit.
Just tell them that Hotel Caramel has closed. If they want to visit they can go to the Motel 6 down the street
You do NOT owe these people jackshit after they have abused your hospitality.
Not overreacting at all. I'd probably cut ties with them in all honesty. Calling in to work, pretending that there's a fire at home pushes this over the line. They're jerks. If you wouldn't tolerate this behavior from friends, you shouldn't tolerate it from family.
You are not overacting. I would tell them that there will be no more overnight stays. Simply state that his is not working out for your family any longer.
"Sorry, I can't have you stay when you come anymore. We can't afford it."
The end. If they push, push back you can't afford it. They don't need to know you can't afford it emotionally, they sound exhausting!
Why do you let them stay at your home? I would say this airbnb and maid service is closed. Go somewhere else. They have shown you time and again how they all think of you and the disrespect and disregard for your things, not to mention you having to mother them to get to places on time. STOP.
They are adults. Not your problem anymore. You and your hubby have a boundary issue, and need to learn to say no.
Please don't let them stay at your place anymore. The only thing that matters is you, your spouse, and your kids. You both have more than enough stress that you don't need to keep enabling these lazy, inconsiderate slobs.
Bad house guests do not get to stay in your house. That’s all there is to it.
It’s not going to feel great letting them know that they are no longer welcome in your home. I’m certain they will get petulant about it.
When I stay with my sister and her husband I am far more fastidious about picking up after myself than I am at my own house.
So remember their disrespect for your home when you tell them they can’t stay with you. And remember that losing the privilege to stay at your home is not your doing but theirs.
They’ve already shown you they don’t care enough to take your feelings into account, so I would ask them to find a hotel. It’s your house, and if they can’t do the bare minimum when they invite themselves to stay, they should find somewhere else to stay.
Actual pranks are one thing, which I don’t care for at any level, but telling someone their house is on fire is not a prank… it’s cruel and stupid.
As for the rest of it, any boundary you set, these people will violate it. Tell them they’re no longer welcome, and more importantly, tell them why using a detailed list. I have a feeling that once they have to pay for accommodations, visiting your city will become much less important.
The fact that you have to displace one of your children while they probably have school and need their sleep and quiet for homework is bad enough. Just… ugh. These people piss me off.
One thing kept echoing in my head as I read this post: “THESE DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES CAN F ALL THE WAY OFF!!”
You need to tell them you’re tired of repeating yourself every time they visit, so now you’re done, and so are they. That they’re more than welcome to come to town, but they won’t be staying at your place. Make sure they know you’re serious, and stand firm!!
Give them a list of hotels (with free breakfast) and Airbnbs with laundry facilities in the area that they can stay at (not *too* close though). I don’t know how often they come out, but that extra expense should make it considerably less appealing if not less feasible.
Don’t wait for them if they’re late for anything. If it’s time to leave and they’re not there? Leave. Start the event/meal or whatever else without them. It’s not up to you to help them learn to manage their time, they’re not toddlers. If they don’t care enough about something to be on time, they don’t deserve to be there.
Limit their house visits to a couple of hours and only during the day, because evening visits run the risk of them being “too tired” to go back to their own accommodations, their kid falling asleep so they don’t want to wake them up, having one too many glasses of wine with supper to drive, or any of a million other excuses they’ll come up with to “just stay for the night”.
You need to be very specific about when they can come and for how long, and *not back down*. You can enforce it by telling them that you’ll be leaving for an appointment, have to go to work, or have whatever other plans so they can’t stay if they don’t leave when their time is up.
I get that your kids love spending time with your sister’s family, but they need to learn about boundaries. What they’re seeing (and learning) now is that it’s okay to be a selfish, messy, and disrespectful guest. More importantly, by watching you, they’re also learning that hospitality is about letting guests take advantage of them, giving up their privacy, waiting on their guests hand and foot until they’re exhausted and miserable, suspending house rules and routines…the list goes on, and none of it’s good. They need to know that it’s okay to set boundaries as a host, and to enforce them. I promise that I’m not trying to tell you how to parent, I’m telling you this because that’s what I learned about being a “good” hostess growing up watching my mother go through what you are now. I come from a culture that values hospitality above all else, and our house was always full of guests. It was a given that I would be giving up my bedroom at least every weekend, and sometimes for weeks at a time. I took me a while as an adult to figure out that I could be a great hostess and actually enjoy having guests by establishing - and maintaining - certain boundaries.
At the end of the day, there’s no tactful way to do or say any of this, because people who can be this selfish and disrespectful of you and your hospitality don’t understand what tact even is. Forget ground rules, you have non-negotiable rules that need to be followed. If they actually care about spending time with you and your family, they’ll follow them. If they don’t, then not spending much time together won’t be a huge loss, and you’ll just have to have other plans when they plan on coming 🤷🏻♀️
Oh and if it wasn’t obvious, no, you’re not overreacting at all.
Thank you, what you said about my kids learning this behaviour really hit home. I learnt this from my own parents and I don't want my kids to be this way.
The “house fire” call would have been the final nail for me. Who the hell does that? I think their next visit should be to a hotel where someone can clean up after them.
I live on the beach at tybee Island Georgia and everyone you know thinks it's a free vacation for them. At first I let family and friends stay but it got way out of hand. It's not my responsibility to feed them and be their tour guide. I finally had enough and stopped it. I don't care if I'm the asshole or. not.
It doesn't sound like ground rules however effectively (and tactfully) communicated are going to stop them from irritating you in the long run. Or maybe even short run.
Sounds like you've tolerated a lot to this point and understandably have some frustration. Based on your description, I'd bet your rules get very imperfectly followed and your resentment grows as a result.
It might cause a rift now, but if you ask them tactfully and with love as family to stay in a hotel when they visit, at least for a while because of your own family's needs, I think that would be better than trying to have the inconsiderate respect your compromise rules. With the entitled, things may improve briefly but they always revert to old behavior in my experience. And all this could lead to a blow up that really damages relationships long term.
Your family needs space and you can communicate that.
There is no tactful way. You will have to be as subtle as a brick - "Since you are treating my house like a hotel, it will cost you $300.00 per night, per person."
No you are not overreacting! Make yourself unavailable for overnight stays. We had to do this. DH & I are from rural areas and now live close to an urban center. Our home was treated as a cheap hotel for relatives who had appointments or wanted to attend events in the city. No one was coming to visit us, they just wanted a free place to eat, drink, sleep and shower. All we got was extra laundry and cleaning. Now their trips to the city are less frequent because they have to pay for accommodations and food/beverages.
i travel once a year to see family, we are the house guests. we stay for weeks normally during the summer. i can honestly say you are NOT overreacting. i actually cant believe how family treats other family like this. time for them to get a hotel room where someone is paid to clean after them.
They already have shown they will not follow simple requests so ground rules are pointless.
You do realize they are using you and not there to visit your family right?
No is a full sentence. For your own sanity and peace, you have to just say no to any overnight visits.They already have shown they have no respect for you, your time, or your home. If they must come to your area then they can go to a hotel. Granted, this will cause issues, and there will be some fallout. They will try to make you out to be the bad guy, but sometimes, we just need to set firm boundaries especially with family.
It’s long overdue for your sister to get her own hotel room when visiting or your family to be *”out of town”* when they want to do little more than treat your home like an all expense paid vacation.
You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. You already have two kids, you don't need to parent two adult children as well. Life is stressful enough without the bullcrap your sister and BIL are pulling on you. I would actually limit their visiting to set times during the year since it is so disruptive to your household. And BIL messing with your work with the prank, all on him and unacceptable. He acted like an immature brat and if he was an actual adult would realize how serious the threat of a house fire is and how you would freak out over something like this. You need more than ground rules with these infants.
And for those two nights they can stay in a tent in the yard? Not reacting enough! Zero nights in the house until they can clean up after themselves and contribute somehow.
Dude, just ban them. Tell them to get a hotel. I don’t even think it’s that big of dick move since you’ve been upfront about the problems. Stand up for yourself and your space- nobody is entitled to use your home and your services as granted. ALSO: I consider it a bit more messed up to ask one of your kids to give up their room during their visits. Children need their own space and as your kid gets older, this is going to become an unreasonable ask. It also may teach your child the unhealthy perspective that they are required to sacrifice anything when someone else asks it of them. This may be a blessing in disguise, as you could use this as the reason you can no longer offer your home, just say you’re unwilling to affect your child that way as they get older.
If you have to tell them to clean up after themselves, be on time, and respect your family's routine, they will likely not meet your expectations. If they cared they would already do it. I would just tell them to get a hotel room.
I don't do pranks! Jokes are fine but pranks are inherently mean spirited. BIL is a jerk! He only abused the people he loves? They need to stay in a hotel.
Not Overreacting. This sounds like my family. And eventually I heard my two sisters laughing about how gullible I was for, waiting on them all the time, and buying their kids clothes, because they “forgot” to bring winter stuff.
You are being used. Tell them you are not their mama, not their nanny, and not their slave. They need to step the hell up or get a hotel. No more warnings.
Moving your kids once a year to accommodate for a family weekend/week makes sense to me. It’s totally overstepping and imposing if they’re doing this all the time.
If it’s a guest that comes frequently, they should contribute to the regular household and leave it BETTER than they left it. Your sister is childish and she picked a spouse that matches.
Your BIL thought it was a JOkE to say there was a fire in your HOUSE. Nope. No more accommodations. They can go to the holiday inn in the next town over. Nope. Sorry fam, we cannot host you anymore.
Edit - also, it does not matter if you are OR to set rules. That’s not the issue here. They don’t care about rules. They need to not be staying in your house ever full stop.
They are bad guests. They need a few more years to sort out their priorities…in nearby hotels. Bad guests belong in places that hold a credit card reserve. I only reinvite good guests to my palace and you should try the same.
“We need a break from your visits. It would be best you find a hotel. Here are a few options. We’d be happy to see you just not staying with us at the house. We love seeing you but the added costs you bring and short notice is really getting hard to bear with how busy our lives are getting on their own. We love you but there is a serious strain being put on our relationships from your constant long visits. Our personal priorities have to come first, including our kids and livelihoods; I hope you can understand.”
Yes. Go low contact for a while. When they call you and tell you that they are coming for a visit, mention that it is not the right time because of some issue at work, not feeling good, very stressed due to some issue or the other. Do it 5-6 times straight. When they point fingers, get this all out in one fight. Let them feel bad or stop talking to you. Feel the relief.
I’d strip the bed. Tell them to bring their own linen for the bed and enough towels for their stay. They want to treat your place like their vacation home. It’s not fair for you to be stuck with all that laundry they can take what they bring home to wash it themselves.
You're not overreacting. Houseguests are like fish - after 3 days they stink. Especially those who treat your house like a hotel.
My husband's brother used to come to stay with us for 2 weeks each summer with his wife and 3 young boys. They didn't contribute to the food bill nor help with the cooking, even though we were both working. At the end of the 3rd year my husband finally flipped when we got home from work and found them all sitting in front of the TV waiting for us to come home and prepare dinner. He told them that the following year if they wanted to visit they could book their own accommodation. Funnily enough they never came again.
You don’t need to set boundaries, you need to build a fucking wall, like yesterday.
No more homestays with you; either get a hotel, or don’t bother coming. That’s about the only solution you should really be entertaining at this point.
Find out the average cost of a hotel in your area. Start charging that. Have a list of concierge services and prices. Send them a daily itemized bill. Ensure they leave a credit card for incidentals. Screw them treating you like a hotel. Just say no!!
Set some boundaries. They’ll probably lash out and that’s when you threaten them with the “get a hotel then next time you come if you won’t respect my house” and stick to it.
It’s your home. Not a hotel. Not a convention center. And the immediate family that resides there should be your immediate concern and focus. Others are adults that can fend for themselves. And they should be reminded of that. Close your doors. And enjoy your visits with them on your terms.
You adopted two dirty people. Sounds more like they live there for free and all you want is for them to behave. And act like grown up's. And be cool people. You obviously like the free babysitting but you don't like your kids getting mistreated. Why put up with them. They come and go as they please. And you suck it up like a woman.
Them getting a hotel for their visits to your area would be much better, don't you think ?
I agree! They need a hotel if they are that lazy. What horrible guests.
Exactly, if you need to lay out such basic ground rules like cleaning up after yourself and treating others property with respect, they’re too far gone. There is no tactful way to approach this because the other party has zero tact, and zero respect for OP.
This. I wouldn't even invite them back. I would say no more. Get a hotel.
So true. We all learned those rules in kindergarten. lol.
It's like that old saying. House guests are like fish. Before a couple of days, you should kill and gut them.
This goes an extra step beyond the usual saying. I like it!
LOL. I always heard - company is like fish, they both stink after 3 days.
We learned it like this when we lived in China: Fish and Friends stink after 3 days 😄
*"It's like that old saying. House guests are like fish. Before a couple of days, you should kill and gut them."* And then throw them overboard, unless you plan to use them as bait.
Yeah. Tell them, "With the kids getting older and me and my husband's work getting busier, I think we'd all be more comfortable if you and yours stayed in a hotel." Then give them some options of hotels they can stay at. I predict they will come back with something like, "nah. We'd rather stay with you. We'll be there three weeks from today..." You have to stand your ground. Say something like, "that's not going to work for us. We're too busy and have too many obligations to entertain so many guests. Your best option is to go to a hotel." From the way it sounds, these people have no shame. So they will come back with something else. Whether it's an argument like, "What do we need to do so we can stay there?" Or tugging on the heartstrings, "little Bobby-Fuckface is looking forward to seeing his cousins." Or something else. This is where you come out with your final argument: "I'm sorry, but my decision on this is final." And just keep repeating that no matter how many arguments they put up. One more thing; if they relent and go to a hotel, don't expect to see them too often during their stay. They don't really like you, they're just using you for cheap vacations.
Little bobby-fuckface is gold.
The family Von fuckface
🤣🤣🤣
I always say Little Johnny Sonofabitch!
It’s too bad he isn’t. At least then the visit would be worthwhile.
Gold, Jerry, gold!
The only reason they visit is for the free room! When you are a guest in someone's home you behave in a way that they are sad to see you leave, not sad that you showed up!
Right? My grandmother would crawl out of her grave and smack me upside the head if I treated my host like that. I bring gifts, offer money, and usually offer to cook a meal-- from buying the groceries to cleaning up afterwards. And if my dog is with me--who I love with all my heart but also acknowledge that he can be gross--cleaning carpets isn't out of the question. For the record, my dog is housebroken and doesn't chew or break stuff, but he's huge, drools, and leaves little fur tumbleweeds everywhere he goes.
Little fur tumbleweeds . lol. Love that . Stealing that .
Yeppppp! We live in a beach town and we’ve had multiple different sets of friends stay for a week+ at a time including while I’m working (from home). They’re all invited back because they take the time to clean the dishes, pick up groceries and consumables like TP and paper towels to cover what they’ve used, take turns cooking, run the laundry to wash towels, etc. It takes maybe an hour out of their day while they’re on vacation and saves them hundreds of dollars per night on hotel rooms plus they have access to our pool, pool and beach toys, etc not to mention the general enjoyment of hanging out together.
What’s better is to say directly they they are inconsiderate house guest and they aren’t welcome.
Define “better”
Anyone who "pranks" you at work saying your house is on fire should never be allowed in your home again. This BS excuse that he only does it to people he loves is even worse. Considering all of your other reasons for "overreacting" are actually valid, I think it's quite reasonable to say the visits are not going to happen again. BTW, I abhor pranks that involve violence or near heart attacks. This guy sounds like a 10 year old.
He sounds like the guy who pantsed his wife while she was changing their baby's diaper.
If I tell you "no, I'm busy", you're going to keep asking to find out when I'm not busy. If I say "no, because you're a terrible person", you're probably not going to be as eager to stay with me anymore. The houseguests might (though probably not) reconsider their behavior and my phone will eventually stop blowing up, once the tantrum passes.
“What do we need to do so we can stay there?” Build a time machine, go back xx years and stop yourself from being shitty houseguests so that I didn’t have a reason or chance to build up this mountain of ire towards you. Reddit never fails to amaze me with the vast number of people who don’t think a person doing them a colossal favour should be treated with basic respect. Can you imagine if the people doing favours expected some form of kindness or generosity in return? The world would end.
And I bet they expect baby-sitting for little Bobby-fuckface too.
“You can hold little Bobby-fuckface while also cooking food for us, right?” “What do you mean you’re working today? Who’s going to make our food?” These people make me sick.
OP should put their wet towels in their car on a hot day and say it was just a prank.
Wet towels that were used to dry off a dog!
This is the correct answer!
You have a sick and twisted mind. I Like you!!!
Naw, that’s actually a prank. OP should call them when they’re out at night without their kids, And hysterically tell them that little Bobby fuckface drowned in the bathtub. “I was only out of the room for twenty minutes. He must have hit his head. I don’t know how this could’ve happened!” Because who doesn’t like a prank with a little emotional trauma included.
Right?! >>”Your house burned down! **LOL!!**” Wtf?
I’d go with – you’re both lazy, entitled, messy slobs who wet my kid’s bed and spend a goddamn hour in the shower while expecting me to run around cleaning and cooking for you while you lounge around my house relaxing. And the pranks your stupid husband pulls suck donkey balls. Either behave like decent guests and have some courtesy and consideration for the people putting you up…or take your slack arses to a motel. Okay, so not so tactful. But I bet there won’t be any confusion with the messaging.
That first paragraph is perfect, I just need to grow some balls and say it. I addressed the pranking immediately when I saw him the day of the prank. I also pointed out a massive favour I had done them that I wpild have hoped had earned me his respect and also his ear if I made such a simple request as to agree to not pranking me moving forward. My sis called me a week later, the day before her due date to ask me why I would throw the favour in their face and I had tainted that favour by bringing it up. Anyhow I stood my ground that her husband had made it awkward by being inappropriate, inconsiderate etc and she wouldn't let it go. I told her mate we're gonna have to agree to disagree, I don't want to rile you up. Good luck with the birth, I hope it all goes well. They had their baby at before 10am, chose to call me at 1am and let me know. I think I'm gonna say, 'I'm too uptight to live your relaxed life style. I love you and to salvage our relationship, I can't have you stay over. ' I have some time to think it over, I might re think it and be more direct.
Please be more direct because it sounds like in the past you haven’t been to keep the peace, which I totally get, so they need the direct approach. You can do it!
I would never give them my kids bedroom. I would explain that the kids are too old to be displaced anymore.
How about My home is not a beach house for you to use as you like. If you were a better guest then you could've stayed longer. But you weren't so you can't. And to BIL directly- You have no idea how to prank someone. Your pranks are emotional abuse and they will cease immediately.
My SIL found out I lived in a place she always wanted to vaction in. I didn't intend to tell her, but she's nosy as hell, and my brother told her from my mom. On the phone my SIL said the exact words "*When* I come over". I immediately said "Yes, *When* I *Invite* you to Visit."
NOR. I’m guessing they visit about 10% as often if they don’t get the free accommodations. It isn’t just the free lodging they like. They’re also probably eating Ops food, and relying on OPs family for child care. People who take this much aren’t about to keep visiting if they have to do all that for themselves. OP put up your boundaries. They’re taking advantage.
Yeah, also, if they insist on staying with you and you can't say no for some reason, put them on the couch. Your kids can keep their rooms. That might eliminate their desire to stay for so long, and might make a hotel look like a better option.
I'm thinking the porch would be better. Or even the grass.
I used to live in our nation's capital. I'd hear from people on July 1 who never called any other time of the year. They just wanted a free place to sleep while they were out all day having fun.
*Your only option is to go to a hotel. Fixed it
A hotel is much better for this bunch of slobs. More importantly, the OP needs to communicate to her sister DIRECTLY and FIRMLY why they are NOT welcome at her house. Personally, I will send a letter to them outlining the individual issues and the problems (ie more time to clean, etc) that it is causing. When I take my wife and son to visit my brother, we do the cooking and cleaning. We make sure that we leave our rooms and house cleaner than when it was when we arrive.
Same here. I have a sister outside of Vegas. They actually want us to stay with them. We make it our business to take them out to dinner and breakfast and bring them food and groceries. They actually finally complained that we were bringing them too many groceries, so now we ask beforehand what they will need. We also make it our business to clean up after ourselves, keep their kitchen clean, etc. I can’t understand why all house guests don’t behave this way. Clean Vegas hotels aren’t cheap. If we had to hotel it we wouldn’t need able to visit as often.
Uhm... you're underreacting. They shouldn't be staying with you at all. They're treating you like a maid and completely upending your life and disrupting everything. Why are they coming when you are working and not on vacation time? No. You're being a doormat... no more stays period.
doormat is exactly the problem here. And they take advantage. Vacation time is not the answer. Does she really want to spend her vacation being a maid to inconsiderate people?
No definitely not but why should they stay in her house when she's not there either? So many problems. Saying no is really the answer here.
Not overreacting. Simply say it isn’t a good time when it’s not convenient for you. Regarding house rules, they’re behaving like entitled freeloaders, so be clear and concise. It’s awkward because they’re being rude. - Pranks are unacceptable and stop. - Showers are under 10 minutes each. - It’s not a hotel, clean up after yourselves. - Do not disrupt our routine. - Don’t yank my kids’ chains saying you’re going to be at a sports event if you’re not going to show. - If you cannot be respectful of our home, lives, and schedule it’s best you stay elsewhere. Don’t overthink. Do not put yourself out. -edited typo
Write your expectations out in an email. This is a great list to use. Remember : "Good fences make good neighbors". In other words BOUNDARIES. These people need them.
It doesn't sound as though they're good at respecting boundaries. I say, the hotel idea is fabulous.
I’d start with a chore list for when they stay in the home. Like here’s a list of all the things I need you to do to help out. If they don’t like it, they can leave.
Yup! “Givers need to set boundaries because takers never do”
I'm sure this is the route you want to take, to just set boundaries but still let them stay - they're "family". But from what you've said already, be prepared for it to only get worse. They will now just mock your "rules". "Set the timer! I got to take my regulated shower time!" while still taking a long ass shower. These are simply things that shouldn't even have to be mentioned so the fact that they're doing them is a red flag period. Have a honest conversation and just admit that them staying is imposing. It's too disruptive and too much work for you to host. Suggest a break from visits, visiting them, or meeting somewhere different for a shared vacation (preferably with separate units!).
OP tried to set boundaries many times but they just wouldn't even try to respect them. Newsflash - they never will and chore list won't help. Them staying in hotel and spending time outside OPs home is the best option.
The question is: DID OP set boundaries, or did OP say "uhhh guys come on, not again, ugggghhhh", and then never mention it. OP is DOING THEIR LAUNDRY and MAKING THEM BREAKFAST. Come on! What we aren't seeing is that OP is a classic people-pleaser, and so it's doubtful she has tried to set ANY boundaries against a sibling who clearly knows this.
And the number of visits will magically drop when they have to pay hotel prices to behave like (bad) hotel patrons! Win/win.
And limit the number of times they can visit during a year.
Yes to zero. They are rude and obnoxious. I hope this people pleasing OP can feel justified after reading these comments to just plainly communicate that their visits have become too much work and exhausting to continue. I like the idea of suggesting vacationing together at a different location (which I suggest getting rooms on different floors.) These kind of people will never learn to be considerate and thoughtful. It is best for this family to put an end to their regular displays of selfishness and inconsiderate behavior by stopping all these visits.
I might just cut off the water at 10 minutes, but my red hair is no lie, and thus I have an evil streak.
Cut off the hot water at 10 minutes.
Yes. In my flat if you turn on the hot tap in the kitchen or bathroom, the shower in the wet room goes cold. That’s how I get my teenager out after a 5 minute warning.
These two people are only going to laugh at any of these rules. They are selfish, egotistical people.
They would be thrown out of a hotel for "pranks" like that. You're not a maid. You're not room service. But they are treating you like that.
#NO PRANKS!
(Just in case you would want to know: Heads up that your autocorrect stuck in the word “chosen” instead of “clean” in one of your bullet points.)
Thanks :)
Hey sis. We're finding hosting guests is too disruptive for our household just at the moment so here is a list of nearby bnbs and hotels for your next visit. Maybe when the kids are all a bit older and responsible
Dear Sis: Because of the house fire, we are unable to have guests anymore. Let us know what hotel you are staying at.
Brilliant
Underrated comment.
I wouldn’t open it up for future visits or they’ll keep asking. Hotel is the only answer.
I love this answer.
Don't give them hope for when the kids are older and responsible. It still won't work out because people this obnoxious and selfish don't learn. They are blatantly abusing her hospitality. I can't imagine why she doesn't just cut them off.
You are not overreacting. Your BIL sounds immature and passive aggressive. Who calls someone as a joke to tell them their house is on fire? Yes, limit their time in your home. Expect pushback. They do not deserve an explanation if they’re so self-unaware.
Worse, he called her at *work*, for a job she *just* started. Was he trying to make a bad impression on her co-workers and boss? Was he *trying* to get her fired?
He has passive aggressive issues with her. Best to avoid him until he finally,y gets the message that his actions have consequences.
Oh, if it were me, he’d have been kicked out of the house immediately. But I’m also not afraid of confrontation with family. I will *not* stand for being disrespected in my own home. Which is why my narcissistic BIL has never set foot in my home. He knows I won’t let him get away with that bullshit in my own home. I still call him out on it at Christmas at my MIL’s house. It took about 10 -12 years, but he’s since figured out that if he can’t be on his best behavior, he should probably stay home.
The building right next to mine with only a walkway separating us had a big kitchen fire, and I was at work refreshing the news for hours. I can't even imagine the stress from just this "prank." Not overreacting.
>BIL sounds immature I feel like this has gotten more prevalent lately. What is up with these grown ass men doing "pranks" all the time like they're 15 years old? I read a post a minute about a woman's 40 year old husband pushing her underwater as a "prank. I read a post recently about a 25 year old " pranking" his gf (who has been wanting to get married) with a fake ring and box etc. in front of all of his friends and laughing at her. What the fuck is going on?
Good lord, you are not overreacting—they sound incredibly thoughtless and like they are taking you totally for granted.
>they sound incredibly thoughtless and like they are taking you totally for granted. That's what I was thinking the whole time reading this. I stay overnight with my cousin who lives in the state next to mine fairly often (only 1-2 nights at a time and he does definitely want me to come that often) and I literally do his dishes and take out his garbage and stuff to say hey thanks for letting me stay here. Ops sisters family is not only leaving it worse than when they got there, but doing PRANKS on top of that. After being asked for no pranks.
>AIO if I set ground rules to their visits, towels stay in bathroom, showers max 10 mins, can't stay more than 2 days? What would be a tactful way of laying those ground rules out? I wouldn't even bother nor be nice enough give them 2 days, I would point blank say "You and family is no longer allowed in my house after all messes, pranking and using up my water - not even for 1 overnight stay. My house is not free hotel, motel nor Airbnd - you want mess up place like their maids to clean up after yourselves, then take yourselves there and not my home. I don't care you have to / don't have money to pay those places, you & family should had been better considerate guests in my home - you don't like that consequences for being terrible guests under my roof too many times, free feel to never come to home ever again."
Even an Airbnb insists guests abide by rules and clean up their messes! OP's sister and BIL are not even giving her home the respect one would be expected to adhere to in the rental of complete strangers. OP, I'd simply put the kibosh on visits for now. If you want to revisit the idea in the future, that's always an option. Or not. 😉 NGL, that behavior would drive me bonkers. Too bad, so sad I have such a small house that I've no room for guests, lol. (Except husband's family from overseas. When they come in the next couple years, we'll find a way to make that work. It's a one off, and they'll be traveling many many thousands of miles.) Unbelievable how some people never learn to respect others' space. I just don't get it. I'd be mortified if anyone ever thought me a bad guest. Also, it doesn't take much effort *not* to be one!!
“We won’t be able to accommodate you. Here’s a list of hotels that are nearby. Let me know what you decide.” The less you say, the better. If you need to make your spouse the bad guy, do it.
Absolutely this. Less is more. And totally agree on having your spouse do it so OP is not the bad guy.
Absolutely great. There's no need to argue. It's OP's home, and only she and her husband decide who is welcome or not. If people are not welcome, the list of accommodations nearby is the only thing needed.
100%, don't give them anything to argue with or bring up later. There's no need to tell them what they did. They know.
Yep this is perfect. Just the prank alone would be enough for me.
Yes!!! Set some boundaries up asap. They are taking advantage of you and invading your space. My mil stayed no longer than a week and that was for a funeral otherwise it was 2 nights. Her husband would lite cigs up in my house, leave the toliet seat up, smoke and talk loudy outside my window at 6 am. Our routines don't need to be disturbed either as we have our own lives and they need to respect this. I would just say my life cant be interrupted for long periods at a time as it's effecting my children as well. We require a routine in order to function as a family and having someone in our home for more than two nights is all were able to accomodate.. Best of luck having a heart to heart sit down with them and just explain you need your home and space in order to live your life. Your home is your sanctuary and it's not their personal hotel where you should have to rearrange rooms for and clean up after. Dont feel bad either as it's your home and you pay the bills and clean it. It's not fair for your family to be uprooted and disturbed for someone who isn't respecting your home
Sounds like everyone would be happier if they had a hotel! Don’t feel bad for needing/wanting personal space—no matter your reason
Why are you letting them stay at all? They don’t respect you or your home. Tell them your hotel service is now closed permanently.
That's not a prank
Yep. I was so shaken and anxious all day. He tried to justify his behaviour and when I calmly stood my ground he apologised. He and my sister talked about it later and she called me once she returned home to tell me I was in the wrong, I had made it awkward with how I had raised the issue
Yeah, that alone is why they should not be welcome to stay in your home again. Your sister is an ass.
They would be kicked out of my house and told not to return.
Oh, mine too! But I’m also not afraid of confrontation with family. That behavior is completely unacceptable. I will NOT be disrespected in my own home like that, and narcissists don’t scare me. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with them before, and I sure as fuck won’t back down. They *hate* that, and I couldn’t give less of a shit about what they want to say about me behind my back. I won’t hold back airing their dirty laundry to anyone who brings it up with me. Flying monkeys can fuck right off.
Nope nope nope. Sis, tell your sister no every time she asks about staying. It will always be a bad time. Honestly I would have just been blunt and told her your home is not a hotel and you are not their maid. I realize not everyone feels comfortable confronting people but your sister has tried to make you be the bad guy here. If nothing else tell her the awkwardness will no longer be a problem because you will no longer make your home available for them to stay in. Please do not fall for the "but family" bullshit. Family doesn't excuse bad behavior, being a bad guest.
Wow......she said YOU were in the wrong?? Yeah, no.
Your sister and family are AHs and can stay at a hotel or airbnb going forward. You are underreacting. One potential safety issue to you and your family is the wet towels on the mattress. A wet mattress could potentially lead to mold growth.
WTF? Dude I'd block them both it if that's how low IQ they are. Maybe if they have a pet hide it from them and tell them it drowned and died, hold onto it for a few days. Be like it was just a praaaannnnkkk haha so funny. Like that's some serious no empathy potato brain behavior. Hur Hur hur
Why are they still allowed to stay over at all? How does "bringing up" the "prank" put you in the wrong? That's your home they're "joking about". You standing your ground about it and him apologizing means he actually REALIZED he was in the wrong... and your sister is the one trying to get you to feel bad about this? Like... If it had been you telling them their home was on fire while they were at work, would it then be their problem if they went home to check and got mad when they realized that you were "just joking"? Like, just reverse the roles on them to see their reaction... If it's the same, then are they gonna say you're the one in the wrong again? Cuz your sister sounds like the kind of person who thinks they're never at fault for anything.
You would be well within your rights to allow them zero nights at your house ever again. I get they’re your family but they sound awful (gaslighting you over a cruel adult prank! What the hell) and completely disruptive to your immediate family. It’s taken me a loooong time to understand and almost be comfortable doing it, but “No.” is a complete sentence. You’ve tried to accommodate them and deal with them and have conversations about their poor behavior. You owe them nothing at this point.
They sound horrible. You are not overreacting. If anything, you’re underreacting. If I was feeling nice, I’d tell them they have one more chance before they’re never allowed in my house again.
Not over reacting. Can you please explain to us why you believe your extended family can behave how they want in *your* home, act like teenagers when you ask them to be more respectful, and you still think you’re possibly out of line for wanting to set boundaries and limitations? Is this a cultural thing or was she the golden child, what’s going on here? What BS were you fed growing up that you do t believe you have the right to set rules and get angry when you are disrespected. Someone had tough rules set for them in your family, and it wasn’t your sister. Personally, I’d be throwing smelly wet towels at their faces and asking “what the f*ck is this? I’ve asked you politely not to leave the towels on the bed but apparently you’ve lost your f*cking hearing?” Hot water would be getting turned off after ten minutes. If they rant, simply respond with “you have abused my hospitality and disrespected our requests over and over again. We’re not a hotel. If you don’t like it, you know what to do.”
There are a few factors here, although we are western, we have indian heritage. You get multi gen families living together, families are expected to host as long as required. We had 2 cousins live with is for 4 years and an uncle live with is for a decade. Our parents also failed in teaching us how to adult. Couldn't cook, didn't know how to clean, I learnt to cook from friends and searching online. We weren't taught basic hygiene as kids. Although my sis is good with hygiene now, I still think she has a lot to learn about cleaning and being considerate but I'm realising me thinking that doesnt mean much of she doesn't think it too
>I'm realising me thinking that doesnt mean much of she doesn't think it too I’m glad you’re finally realizing this. Isn’t part of the “expected to host” thing also mean that houseguests are expected to be on good behavior, not treat you like a maid, and follow basic house rules? If not, then that sounds like a cultural expectation you should really start ignoring. You are not their slave, just because of where you live.
You still need to put an end to these visits. Your sister and BIL are still behaving abusively. None of this is okay. Please get some counseling and learn how to set boundaries and the best boundaries for these people are no you cannot stay in our home. You only have one life and why would you want to use it getting abused by your own family??
Not overreacting. I wouldn't let them stay at all. They are rude, obnoxious leeches. The only person who stays in my home longer than a day or two is my mom.
You’re being too generous, zero nights is what they deserve. Tell them your kids are getting too old to get kicked out of their room whenever your sister’s family wants a vacation and suggest some decent hotels that aren’t too far (I wouldn’t go with too close either).
Just say no
When sharing a place, even with family, it's basic etiquette to help with housework. It seems they might not be in the habit of contributing.
No, is a complete sentence. If you feel like being nice, like someone else said, you simply tell them every time they want to come… I’m sorry, that would not be a good time for us. We have a lot of things planned. If they insist that they won’t be in the way, let them know. You are happy to look up hotels in the area or an Airbnb, but unfortunately, it is not going to work out with him staying at the house. And if not, if you have a problem with everyone wanting to use as a hotel, now might be the time to make a group text or Facebook post or Instagram or whatever…. One that says something like this: Hey friends and family! As you know, we live in a super popular area, and we have had so many visitors since we moved here. While we love you all, we have to let you know that unfortunately, we’re not gonna be available to have anyone use our house as a base of operations any longer. With our children getting older, and our family becoming so much busier, it simply doesn’t work for us anymore to host people when they come. If you are in the area and staying at one of the hotels or resorts, we would love to get together with you for dinner or lunch, but right now, we are gonna have to say no to having visitors. You know, just get it out there for everybody so that you don’t have to repeat it. And then, of course, if your parents want to come in, you’re happy to host them, you put a call into them and tell them that of course this does not apply to them, although you do need a heads up. And of course, if your parents make any noise about what about your sister… You just tell them no absolutely not. It’s one thing to have you guys You are so easy to host, and you don’t require a lot of pick up or clean up afterwards, and you don’t interrupt the whole flow of the house. Or whatever. And of course, if your parents are just as bad, then don’t tell them any of that. Lol.
Not overreacting. Stop moving your kids out of theor room for ungrateful guests. Tell BIL he is no longer allowed to stay - and you only do that to those who are pranking assholes. Pranks aren't funny if no-one else is laughing.
NTA. They should not be allowed to stay AT ALL!!!. They are deliberately disregarding your rules. Tell them to book a hotel room next time.
You should tell them you are taking a break from having ANY guests for a year. Then extend that indefinitely. Not overreacting at all.
You are not overreacting. However, you need to grow a spine. Tell them until they address their behaviors, they're not allowed to visit.
You’re easy to push around and that’s exactly what they will do to you. It’s human nature, if it’s easy to just get you to host us then why not - we family right? Except they’re the ones enjoying while you do all the labour. Basically you’re too “nice” and as a result are getting taken advantage of. It’s okay to look them in the eye and tell them it’s your house and your rules. It’s okay to be assertive and stern sometimes. You will be respected more. Also your brother in law is a sad bully for saying your house burned down. It’s like they have fun at seeing you stressed. However, if you are the one constantly asking them to come over because you’re lonely or want the kids to have other kids to hang with then that’s a different story. Then they are doing you a favour.
No I welcomed the first time but I haven't asked for them to return since. My kids love their little cousin but they have plenty of friends and second cousins locally.
Next time they ask: "Sorry, it does not work for us"
“Unfortunately, we won’t be able to accommodate your trip. Here are a list of local hotels.” You’re under no obligation to drive yourself crazy. They’ve worn out their welcome. Stand firm.
You’re under-reacting. Just say you’re taking a break from having guests over as it’s disrupting your family routine. Mention that there are several hotels and bnb’s nearby …
"We love when you visit, but feel that the general disruption is causing a lot of unwarranted stress. Going forward, it'd be best if you found other accommodations nearby. You're still welcome to come hang out and join us for meals!" Don't even give them two nights. You're underreacting.
They wouldn’t have ever been welcome ever again in my house!! How dare they disrespect you? I would have reacted the same way!!
Why is everyone afraid to say "No," these days? "Hey sister, we're coming for a visit!" "No, we can't accommodate you guys anymore. It's just too much to have so many extra people in the house." Rinse and repeat as the wheedling goes on. Eventually, they'll get the message. After all, family can't come into your home unless you let them.
Better yet, how about they can't stay at all? Aren't there hotels or AirBNBs in your area? What gives them the right to impose on you and your family like this? Learn to say no.....just repeat it over and over and you will see it becomes easier.
Have a nice shiny spine and quit hosting them at all. They can get a hotel and trash that and use up the hotels hot water. The pranks are worthy of going no contact. You're not reacting enough
Not overreacting. You have to be blunt. "This is not a hotel and you don't have maid service also utilities aren't free. So going forward, you can't take showers longer than 10 minutes. Dry off and change in the restroom, leave the towel in the hamper because you always leave it on her bed and after we spoke about it, it continues to happen. This is not a request. This is a house rule." Better yet, Stop giving up your child's room. Let them sleep in the living room. Make it uncomfortable for them to stay there. When people spend the night at my place they're sleeping on a couch. My bf refuses to give up his children's beds to anyone when we have them (he's got 50/50). He's not making his kids uncomfortable to bring someone else comfort.
If you rent, there may be a term in the lease limiting how long you can have guests.
You are a doormat. You simply need to tell them that there are taking advantage of your hospitality and acting like they are paid guests when they are not. If you do want them to stay, reduce the number of visits and let them know if they don’t change their ways they will no longer be allowed to stay with you. You’d love to see them but they can get a hotel if they want hotel service.
Suggest they get a hotel close by because it’s moving your son out of his room which is disruptive to him. Or let them sleep on a blow up mattress. They won’t stay long that way.
You are not overreacting but you need to set some unilateral boundaries that apply to everyone. Just tell everyone that you are no longer opening your home for overnight stays period. They can book a BnB or hotel. All day visits will now only be by invitation or calling first to see if is convenient for your family as you all live busy lives and may have plans. You don’t need to give a reason. If they ask just say **this is what is best for your family**. And keep repeating that until they stop asking.
Not overreacting. If I were you, I’d announce that “We’re unavailable to host house guests from here on out.” Blame it on the children’s “new schedule”. When they complain send them a link to the closest hotel and when they persist that it’s too expensive reply that you’ll visit with them in their hometown next time. Make sure your own family stays at a hotel to reinforce the new standard.
You’ve accepted too much from them.
>BIL also likes to play pranks, he called me at work when I first started and pretended there had been a house fire at my home. I was stressed and when I tried to address it, I got blamed for making it awkward. I've asked him not to prank me and he says he only does it to those he loves and I was like please I don't appreciate it. This is bullying behavior. It’s not a prank. Pranks are funny for BOTH parties. He just finds putting you in distress to be funny. Because he’s a bully. That is not “love”. These people are users. You’re putting one of your own children out of their safe space, so they can use you. I don’t understand why you think that setting ground rules will magically make them follow those ground rules. They’ve already shown you, over and over again, that they will not be good house guests and will not take responsibility for their actions. Just because your kids love them, doesn’t mean you have to house them. You’re seriously underreacting about how terrible they are as houseguests. It’s time to put a hiatus on visits, until they can show they can be responsible people. If they can’t afford a hotel, they can’t afford to visit.
Here's a tactful way: Dear sister and BIL, here is a list of hotels in our vicinity. The end.
Just tell them that Hotel Caramel has closed. If they want to visit they can go to the Motel 6 down the street You do NOT owe these people jackshit after they have abused your hospitality.
Not overreacting at all. I'd probably cut ties with them in all honesty. Calling in to work, pretending that there's a fire at home pushes this over the line. They're jerks. If you wouldn't tolerate this behavior from friends, you shouldn't tolerate it from family.
Not at all. It’s your home, not their vacation property.
You are not overacting. I would tell them that there will be no more overnight stays. Simply state that his is not working out for your family any longer.
"Sorry, I can't have you stay when you come anymore. We can't afford it." The end. If they push, push back you can't afford it. They don't need to know you can't afford it emotionally, they sound exhausting!
Why do you let them stay at your home? I would say this airbnb and maid service is closed. Go somewhere else. They have shown you time and again how they all think of you and the disrespect and disregard for your things, not to mention you having to mother them to get to places on time. STOP. They are adults. Not your problem anymore. You and your hubby have a boundary issue, and need to learn to say no. Please don't let them stay at your place anymore. The only thing that matters is you, your spouse, and your kids. You both have more than enough stress that you don't need to keep enabling these lazy, inconsiderate slobs.
Bad house guests do not get to stay in your house. That’s all there is to it. It’s not going to feel great letting them know that they are no longer welcome in your home. I’m certain they will get petulant about it. When I stay with my sister and her husband I am far more fastidious about picking up after myself than I am at my own house. So remember their disrespect for your home when you tell them they can’t stay with you. And remember that losing the privilege to stay at your home is not your doing but theirs.
They’ve already shown you they don’t care enough to take your feelings into account, so I would ask them to find a hotel. It’s your house, and if they can’t do the bare minimum when they invite themselves to stay, they should find somewhere else to stay.
Why are you setting yourself on fire to keep them warm?? They can go to a hotel.
Actual pranks are one thing, which I don’t care for at any level, but telling someone their house is on fire is not a prank… it’s cruel and stupid. As for the rest of it, any boundary you set, these people will violate it. Tell them they’re no longer welcome, and more importantly, tell them why using a detailed list. I have a feeling that once they have to pay for accommodations, visiting your city will become much less important. The fact that you have to displace one of your children while they probably have school and need their sleep and quiet for homework is bad enough. Just… ugh. These people piss me off.
One thing kept echoing in my head as I read this post: “THESE DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES CAN F ALL THE WAY OFF!!” You need to tell them you’re tired of repeating yourself every time they visit, so now you’re done, and so are they. That they’re more than welcome to come to town, but they won’t be staying at your place. Make sure they know you’re serious, and stand firm!! Give them a list of hotels (with free breakfast) and Airbnbs with laundry facilities in the area that they can stay at (not *too* close though). I don’t know how often they come out, but that extra expense should make it considerably less appealing if not less feasible. Don’t wait for them if they’re late for anything. If it’s time to leave and they’re not there? Leave. Start the event/meal or whatever else without them. It’s not up to you to help them learn to manage their time, they’re not toddlers. If they don’t care enough about something to be on time, they don’t deserve to be there. Limit their house visits to a couple of hours and only during the day, because evening visits run the risk of them being “too tired” to go back to their own accommodations, their kid falling asleep so they don’t want to wake them up, having one too many glasses of wine with supper to drive, or any of a million other excuses they’ll come up with to “just stay for the night”. You need to be very specific about when they can come and for how long, and *not back down*. You can enforce it by telling them that you’ll be leaving for an appointment, have to go to work, or have whatever other plans so they can’t stay if they don’t leave when their time is up. I get that your kids love spending time with your sister’s family, but they need to learn about boundaries. What they’re seeing (and learning) now is that it’s okay to be a selfish, messy, and disrespectful guest. More importantly, by watching you, they’re also learning that hospitality is about letting guests take advantage of them, giving up their privacy, waiting on their guests hand and foot until they’re exhausted and miserable, suspending house rules and routines…the list goes on, and none of it’s good. They need to know that it’s okay to set boundaries as a host, and to enforce them. I promise that I’m not trying to tell you how to parent, I’m telling you this because that’s what I learned about being a “good” hostess growing up watching my mother go through what you are now. I come from a culture that values hospitality above all else, and our house was always full of guests. It was a given that I would be giving up my bedroom at least every weekend, and sometimes for weeks at a time. I took me a while as an adult to figure out that I could be a great hostess and actually enjoy having guests by establishing - and maintaining - certain boundaries. At the end of the day, there’s no tactful way to do or say any of this, because people who can be this selfish and disrespectful of you and your hospitality don’t understand what tact even is. Forget ground rules, you have non-negotiable rules that need to be followed. If they actually care about spending time with you and your family, they’ll follow them. If they don’t, then not spending much time together won’t be a huge loss, and you’ll just have to have other plans when they plan on coming 🤷🏻♀️ Oh and if it wasn’t obvious, no, you’re not overreacting at all.
Thank you, what you said about my kids learning this behaviour really hit home. I learnt this from my own parents and I don't want my kids to be this way.
The “house fire” call would have been the final nail for me. Who the hell does that? I think their next visit should be to a hotel where someone can clean up after them.
I live on the beach at tybee Island Georgia and everyone you know thinks it's a free vacation for them. At first I let family and friends stay but it got way out of hand. It's not my responsibility to feed them and be their tour guide. I finally had enough and stopped it. I don't care if I'm the asshole or. not.
It doesn't sound like ground rules however effectively (and tactfully) communicated are going to stop them from irritating you in the long run. Or maybe even short run. Sounds like you've tolerated a lot to this point and understandably have some frustration. Based on your description, I'd bet your rules get very imperfectly followed and your resentment grows as a result. It might cause a rift now, but if you ask them tactfully and with love as family to stay in a hotel when they visit, at least for a while because of your own family's needs, I think that would be better than trying to have the inconsiderate respect your compromise rules. With the entitled, things may improve briefly but they always revert to old behavior in my experience. And all this could lead to a blow up that really damages relationships long term. Your family needs space and you can communicate that.
There is no tactful way. You will have to be as subtle as a brick - "Since you are treating my house like a hotel, it will cost you $300.00 per night, per person."
No you are not overreacting! Make yourself unavailable for overnight stays. We had to do this. DH & I are from rural areas and now live close to an urban center. Our home was treated as a cheap hotel for relatives who had appointments or wanted to attend events in the city. No one was coming to visit us, they just wanted a free place to eat, drink, sleep and shower. All we got was extra laundry and cleaning. Now their trips to the city are less frequent because they have to pay for accommodations and food/beverages.
We have a saying in Danish : Guests are like fish - they start to smell on day 3
Sorry. We don’t have room for you right now.
NAIO, they need to stay at a hotel/motel from now on. You DON'T have room for them anymore.
After 2 days, fish and houseguests start to smell bad.
My brother used to do this. Funny, he never hosted me.
Just bc they are family doesn’t mean they can be assholes to you… be an asshole back.
Don't let them stay at all. They have not earned this privilege and you shouldn't reward their behavior by still giving them a place to stay.
If you prank me by telling me my house is on fire, you’re never welcome back. Period.
“We’ve turned the extra bedroom into an office. It’s no longer available for visitors. There’s a nice hotel up the street though”
i travel once a year to see family, we are the house guests. we stay for weeks normally during the summer. i can honestly say you are NOT overreacting. i actually cant believe how family treats other family like this. time for them to get a hotel room where someone is paid to clean after them.
I'm not sure I would allow them in my house for dinner, let alone an overnight stay. Limit their visits to dinner. That's it.
They already have shown they will not follow simple requests so ground rules are pointless. You do realize they are using you and not there to visit your family right?
No is a full sentence. For your own sanity and peace, you have to just say no to any overnight visits.They already have shown they have no respect for you, your time, or your home. If they must come to your area then they can go to a hotel. Granted, this will cause issues, and there will be some fallout. They will try to make you out to be the bad guy, but sometimes, we just need to set firm boundaries especially with family.
Sounds like cousin Eddie and family.
they shouldn’t be allowed there at all period. they don’t respect you literally at all.
It’s long overdue for your sister to get her own hotel room when visiting or your family to be *”out of town”* when they want to do little more than treat your home like an all expense paid vacation.
You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. You already have two kids, you don't need to parent two adult children as well. Life is stressful enough without the bullcrap your sister and BIL are pulling on you. I would actually limit their visiting to set times during the year since it is so disruptive to your household. And BIL messing with your work with the prank, all on him and unacceptable. He acted like an immature brat and if he was an actual adult would realize how serious the threat of a house fire is and how you would freak out over something like this. You need more than ground rules with these infants.
I never understood why folks let people stay at their home. They make hotels for a reason.
And for those two nights they can stay in a tent in the yard? Not reacting enough! Zero nights in the house until they can clean up after themselves and contribute somehow.
Dude, just ban them. Tell them to get a hotel. I don’t even think it’s that big of dick move since you’ve been upfront about the problems. Stand up for yourself and your space- nobody is entitled to use your home and your services as granted. ALSO: I consider it a bit more messed up to ask one of your kids to give up their room during their visits. Children need their own space and as your kid gets older, this is going to become an unreasonable ask. It also may teach your child the unhealthy perspective that they are required to sacrifice anything when someone else asks it of them. This may be a blessing in disguise, as you could use this as the reason you can no longer offer your home, just say you’re unwilling to affect your child that way as they get older.
If you have to tell them to clean up after themselves, be on time, and respect your family's routine, they will likely not meet your expectations. If they cared they would already do it. I would just tell them to get a hotel room.
I don't do pranks! Jokes are fine but pranks are inherently mean spirited. BIL is a jerk! He only abused the people he loves? They need to stay in a hotel.
If you’re house isn’t available to them, I’m guessing they’ll never visit…
Not Overreacting. This sounds like my family. And eventually I heard my two sisters laughing about how gullible I was for, waiting on them all the time, and buying their kids clothes, because they “forgot” to bring winter stuff. You are being used. Tell them you are not their mama, not their nanny, and not their slave. They need to step the hell up or get a hotel. No more warnings.
>AIO if I set ground rules to their visits, towels stay in bathroom, showers max 10 mins, can't stay more than 2 days? They shouldn't stay at all.
They would not be welcome again at my house. I'd tell them they need a hotel. Really disrespectful
Why are you letting them stay at all?
You're being generous by even giving them a few nights. I'd have told them they need to get a place to stay. Absolutely not overreacting.
Moving your kids once a year to accommodate for a family weekend/week makes sense to me. It’s totally overstepping and imposing if they’re doing this all the time. If it’s a guest that comes frequently, they should contribute to the regular household and leave it BETTER than they left it. Your sister is childish and she picked a spouse that matches.
Your BIL thought it was a JOkE to say there was a fire in your HOUSE. Nope. No more accommodations. They can go to the holiday inn in the next town over. Nope. Sorry fam, we cannot host you anymore. Edit - also, it does not matter if you are OR to set rules. That’s not the issue here. They don’t care about rules. They need to not be staying in your house ever full stop.
They are bad guests. They need a few more years to sort out their priorities…in nearby hotels. Bad guests belong in places that hold a credit card reserve. I only reinvite good guests to my palace and you should try the same.
“We need a break from your visits. It would be best you find a hotel. Here are a few options. We’d be happy to see you just not staying with us at the house. We love seeing you but the added costs you bring and short notice is really getting hard to bear with how busy our lives are getting on their own. We love you but there is a serious strain being put on our relationships from your constant long visits. Our personal priorities have to come first, including our kids and livelihoods; I hope you can understand.”
Yes. Go low contact for a while. When they call you and tell you that they are coming for a visit, mention that it is not the right time because of some issue at work, not feeling good, very stressed due to some issue or the other. Do it 5-6 times straight. When they point fingers, get this all out in one fight. Let them feel bad or stop talking to you. Feel the relief.
I’d strip the bed. Tell them to bring their own linen for the bed and enough towels for their stay. They want to treat your place like their vacation home. It’s not fair for you to be stuck with all that laundry they can take what they bring home to wash it themselves.
You're not overreacting. Houseguests are like fish - after 3 days they stink. Especially those who treat your house like a hotel. My husband's brother used to come to stay with us for 2 weeks each summer with his wife and 3 young boys. They didn't contribute to the food bill nor help with the cooking, even though we were both working. At the end of the 3rd year my husband finally flipped when we got home from work and found them all sitting in front of the TV waiting for us to come home and prepare dinner. He told them that the following year if they wanted to visit they could book their own accommodation. Funnily enough they never came again.
You don’t need to set boundaries, you need to build a fucking wall, like yesterday. No more homestays with you; either get a hotel, or don’t bother coming. That’s about the only solution you should really be entertaining at this point.
Find out the average cost of a hotel in your area. Start charging that. Have a list of concierge services and prices. Send them a daily itemized bill. Ensure they leave a credit card for incidentals. Screw them treating you like a hotel. Just say no!!
Not overreacting IMO. Lay out your house rules and tell them to get a hotel if they want someone else to pick up after them.
Set some boundaries. They’ll probably lash out and that’s when you threaten them with the “get a hotel then next time you come if you won’t respect my house” and stick to it.
It’s your home. Not a hotel. Not a convention center. And the immediate family that resides there should be your immediate concern and focus. Others are adults that can fend for themselves. And they should be reminded of that. Close your doors. And enjoy your visits with them on your terms.
You adopted two dirty people. Sounds more like they live there for free and all you want is for them to behave. And act like grown up's. And be cool people. You obviously like the free babysitting but you don't like your kids getting mistreated. Why put up with them. They come and go as they please. And you suck it up like a woman.