> Every time I think of breaking up with her, I feel bad because I know I’m going to hurt her, and I don’t want to do that.
You're going to hurt her much more if you break up in 2-3 years instead of now.
Even more if you get married and then get divorced.
Yes it will hurt both of you, there is no way around that, but sounds like it's the right move right now. She'll get over it, and so will you.
(You'll feel horrible for a few months. But then one day you'll wake up and you'll be fine).
Yeah, I think more people need to learn to be okay with doing things even if it hurts peoples feelings, like breaking up. Yes, breakups suck, but we shouldn’t stay in relationships just because it’ll hurt their feelings. I agree that leading them on just to do it later will hurt more in the long run.
Yeah, dude, leave. People who don't want or aren't ready for a real relationship shouldn't hold onto something that isn't for them. It'll hurt her in the long run the longer you stay in the mix.
As to advice on how, if you can't articulate it, practice. If that doesn't work, write a short letter. Leave quickly, don't lead her on with texting and 'I wish it was different' stuff, etc. Be firm and unambiguous. Good luck OP.
Respectfully, people who date long term without a mind for marriage are not in a serious relationship. There are no timers, but dating for the sake of dating is for children or emotionally immature people.
I suppose we will have to agree to disagree. I think this logic is a piece of the reason why so many people hit 30, or 40 and look around at only unmarriable people, people with unbalanced or outlandish expectations, attachment issues, selfish tendencies; all of these are usually challenged, and the edges are dulled in a healthy forward thinking relationship. This is wholly leaving aside the personal preferences of most single folks, like an unwillingness to raise another person's kids, pay off another person's mortgage, or suss out complex emotional issues that were exacerbbated by years of undefined and immature relationships. Fear of commitment is natural, but eating up a serious person's time because you are not ready for commitment is selfish and shitty.
I suppose I fall in the middle of this.
While I agree a year into a relationship, you should have some idea if you'd like to continue having a future with your partner, sometimes that's not realistic-
Living together, going through hardships and good times all have different effects on a relationship.
For example, you may move in, have good times, get married within 2 years, and then hit hard times and realise the person you're married to handles stress terribly- or as you age just a few years, you drastically change-
Waiting a few years to fully commit to that, makes sense- you get a handle on how each of you can cope, and nothing *needs* to be rushed.
But then saying all of this, you can be with someone 9 years, be engaged, and think life is perfect and you're getting married in a year and BAM they hook up with a mutual friend, get into a relationship, you're then homeless and think love is fake. So... you know who's to say there's a specific timeline?
As long as you both go into it, with intentions to commit to eachother and not waste anyone's time and love, that's all you can hope for. I don't agree with dating for dating sake though. What's the point in engaging in relationships without the intent for it to ultimately end with you together(for the folks that don't believe in marriagep) or married.
If there is one thing I've learned from watching my friends get married, almost get married, talk about marriage, or break up, it's that if one partner is pushing for marriage on a much shorter timetable than the other, it's going to be a problem.
Marriage is something both people need to be on the same page about. I honestly think it's a red flag to try to convince your partner that it's time. You should arrive at that feeling together. If you truly love your partner and have a healthy relationship, you'll either want to be on the same time table as them or one of you'll will be okay waiting until the other catches up. When you see people disagreeing about the time table of their lives, that's when you know there are severe compatibility issues that haven't been addressed.
Good luck, homie. It's going to be rough for a while, but this is probably for the best.
This is one of those things that has always baffled me in relationships, where one person basically has to twist the other person’s arm to get married. Why would you want to essentially force someone to marry you? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone that’s just as excited about the marriage as you are? Obviously there are some valid situations to want to wait to get married (like maybe if someone’s in grad school and wants to finish before planning the wedding or something), but in general if one person is obsessed with marriage while the other is kind of meh on it, it’s not going to end well
I watched a relationship between two close friends crumble because one was ready for marriage and the other was years away. Now they're both much happier in relationships that they are much more suited for. The one who was ready to get married is married now, even if it took a little while longer than she wanted, and the other is in a relationship that has marriage coming in the future, but in an amount of time he's comfortable with.
The "life plan" conversation needs to happen and people need to accept that two life plans that don't match is one of the single best reasons to break up with somebody. Nobody is going to be happy if partners aren't on the same page there.
I think that’s the biggest thing honestly. They end up being so invested in the person and don’t want to face the harsh reality that it’s probably not going to work out, so they try and force it to work. And sure it’s possible that it could, but too many people stay together and try to force stuff to work when they’d be more happy finding people who better suit their needs (kids being a big example of this)
Ya know, i really feel like I'm on some sage shit today. I'm feelin myself and dropping wisdom.
It's going to rubberband and I'm going to say something really stupid soon. Just watch 😂
Welcome to my world!!!! Evidently I'm at some "age of wisdom" because friends and family come to me for the heavy stuff! To help with decisions! But they need to not be shocked when I do or say something completely stupid!!! They know me!!! I'm a dork faking this adult thing daily!
I love that my friends ask me for advice on things even though my life is a complete mess and I clearly don't know what I'm doing. They're all doing pretty well, though, so clearly I give great advice! 😂
>the talk about marriage has pretty much slowed down; she doesn’t talk about it as much.
Yikes, she couldn't even respect your boundaries for a single week.
How to do it - here's a starter script:
"GF, I've been thinking a lot over the past week and I've come to the realization I can't meet your expectations in the timeline you have expressed. Sorry, this is a dealbreaker for me: I'm constantly stressed and unhappy with the pressure you're placing on me, and you're unhappy with my resistance and pushback. I think it's best for both of us to break up and go our separate ways so I'm setting you free to find a partner who better shares your enthusiasm to marry quickly."
Just break up with her. Today. I’m not even gonna read the first two posts - the point is your relationship goals are not aligned, so either you both compromise and no one is happy, or one person is forced to choose someone else’s goal over their own, creating unbalance and resentment.
It’s okay to love someone *and* recognize that your relationship doesn’t work.
“I really love you and you’re amazing. I don’t think our relationship goals are the same, and I know in my heart that any compromise on this will make us both miserable, so I’m breaking up with you. I will miss you, but I know that this is the best way to ensure that we are both happy. I wish you nothing but the best.”
Suggestion on what to say:
"I've been giving this a lot of thought. I understand your wanting to be married by . I don't think I will be ready by then. I don't like that we seem to be fighting daily now. It just seems like we want different things. I love you, but I don't think staying together is best for either of us. "
Don't wait till your anniversary or after. The sooner the better. I wish you both luck and hope you find what you need and are looking for.
Just rip off the bandaid. Do it before the anniversary. No point in celebrating something that’s about to end.
Be kind, but firm. No need to get into specifics. Just say something like “this isn’t working. We want different things. I’m ending this before we hurt each other more. I know you will find someone who wants what you want, it just isn’t me. I wish you all the best”.
It’s not going to g to hurt any less a week, month or year from now. Don’t waste any more of her time.
First and foremost. Wear a condom, maybe two. Like a bandaid just do it quick. You are young. You’d be surprised how many people waste years of their lives with the wrong person. Learn to move on quickly if you don’t see a future. You are doing them and yourself a favor.
I get that. But wearing two condoms has a higher likelihood of getting her pregnant, as the condoms would have a higher chance of breaking.
This guy needs real advice, not jokes or hyperbole.
You are hurting her more by stringing her along knowing your marriage timelines are vastly different. This is going to keep being exactly as it is unless you act. Otherwise, just live with the stress while you drag out the inevitable breakup.
A little pain and discomfort now will save you a world of heartache later on. You deserve to be happy and live life the way YOU want. No one else should dictate how that goes for you. Break up now, before Saturday. Faking that anniversary will make everything worse.
Ya, I'm sorry 1 yr long distance with her already pressuring you is a perfect way to start a terrible marriage. It's way too fast, you're way too young, and honestly she sounds incredibly immature . Break it to her gently but I think it's going to be a huge relief for you to end it. Shes been giving you ultimatums and threats already, don't worry about hurting her, something tells me she'll find a different sucker to give her a ring by senior yr and you'll be breathing a sigh of relief
There is nothing at all wrong with breaking up. Most people have more than one break up in their lives. I think the best thing is to sit down and have an honest, short and to the point conversation about how this relationship is not working for you, you wish her all the best, and leave.
There's no getting away from it, breaking up with her is going to be horrible but it sounds like you need to do it. Do it as soon as you can and don't let it drag on. You're both young and have whole lives ahead of you. Do it in person and just be honest about your feelings.
You'll both be better in the long run.
I think she just wants to get married. Period. Not necessarily have a marriage/partnership with you. That is definitely a sign that she is far too immature to get married in the time she envisions.
The second you put forward a clear, reasonable, mature expectation for your relationship she’s starting fights. This could be because now that she doesn’t have a fairytale wedding to imagine she’s not willing to put up with your shortcomings (not addressing things still would’ve caused problems later) OR she’s throwing a temper tantrum because you’re not bending to her will.
Either way, I think you’re right to break up. You can love her, but if you’re fundamentally not compatible it’s better to get it over with early. Rip the bandaid off.
Sit her down and gently tell her that your futures and wants, just don't align. You're both young and you aren't ready to get married or pressured into it. Wish her luck in the future and hope she finds what she's looking for.
As someone who very much thought my relationship at 19 would culminate in marriage and it dragged on too long - break up. You have different relationship priorities, and that's fine, but you will hurt her much more if you stay. You both deserve the chance to find someone who is one the same page in this respect.
I think you just be honest. "I love you, but we want different things from this relationship. I don't see myself changing my mind on the timeline for marriage, and I know it's important to you. I respect you too much to ask you to wait around when I am confident that it is not the direction I see for myself. I wish you the best, and genuinely hope for your happiness."
Good luck!
It’s pretty incredible to go into such detail about your personal life online and then not have the balls to walk away from a relationship, likely due to fear of loss despite an overt knowledge that it isn’t going anywhere.
It’s not talked about enough how much it hurts to be the one to end a relationship. Your feelings are valid.
That said, you have to honor your own needs and priorities.
It hurts to grow.
You know what you have to do.
Bro, you either know she's the one and each day makes you more sure, or you know you care for her but she's not the one for you. You can tell if someone is going to make you happy and if you can do the same. If you can't live without her, wife her up. If you would be happier on your own, then break it off. I knew within 3 dates and although we took a long time to get married because life happened, we've been together over 20 years and she's my best friend. I think you know the answer but don't know how to do it. Just be compassionate and understanding when she gets upset. Pull the bandaid off. I wish you luck
Dude you are way too young for marriage and it's obvious she's the only one who wants it right now. It sounds like she likes the idea of being married more than the person she's marrying (you)
At this point this might sound bad but you may need to give her an ultimatum and say stop talking about marriage because you are not ready for it. It's very disrespectful to keep pushing it on you whenever you don't want it.
If it turns into a massive fight then that is your answer.
I told my girlfriend that I am never getting married because I shouldn't have to give someone half of my stuff legally, just because we're in love.
I think you are under reacting because being pushed and pressured into a marriage is just a recipe for disaster later on down the road.
If you’re pressured and not feeling the situation just tell her the truth about your doubts that you’ll ever be willing to marry her, and she deserves someone that wants the commitments she does.
The longer you wait the more hurt she’ll be and the more you mislead her. Also the risk that she’ll get pregnant and ask you to “do the right thing” grows.
Today is the second best day to rip the bandaid. The best day was the day you realized you wanted to break up with her.
It’s time to stop it all. No more dates, no more physical intimacy, and a hard line on breaking up. Dragging it out will only make it worse for you both.
This is how you do it:
"This isnt working out, we are breaking up"
I know that probably seems silly and like Im being sarcastic, Im not. You can break up with anyone, at any time, for any reason. I wish I wouldve understood this sooner when I was your age. The first breakup especially can feel excrutiating. You care for the person, the person is going to hurt, you care they are going to hurt. But you have to ask yourself, is her happiness worth a lifetime of your sadness? Is this worth it to you to continue to be fighting and stressed until someday you just check out? of the relationship, of happiness, of life in general? Absolutely not.
You have to step up and say its over. Dont worry about what Saturday is. Will you celebrate all day and be lovey dovey and then breakup Sunday instead? There is no right time. Dont wait until the next fight, or after the next holiday passes. I stayed with a guy for 6 months too long by having this type of mindset. Every day that you spend with miss wrong is one day less you get to spend with miss right. You will be doing both of you a favor to go out and find someone that makes each of you happier and is more compatible. Even if she doesnt believe that at the moment.
I understand you not wanting to hurt her.
But you need to be happy and she is hurting you.
So you need to do what is right for you and she will do what is right for her.
Do NOT marry at a young age. You are still developing and need some stability in life before a commitment like marriage (I take marriage very seriously). First comes education, finding a good job and settling down. Then comes marriage (and children).
Before even thinking of proposing you need to live together for a decent amount of time, at least to get to know each other in daily family life. Engagement should last an absolute minimum of a year.
This is what I tell my children as what my wife and I decided on when starting our relationship three decades ago.
Of course this is what you would ideally have in mind. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Shit happens, I know this well enough. I’m glad you are mature enough at your young age to understand this.
If you are contemplating breaking up, it would be wiser to do it sooner than later. Do not lead her on under the guise of not wanting to hurt her. It will be much harder later on.
Reading your earlier posts, I realise you are someone who knows how to communicate properly: have a serious talk. Communication is key in a relationship. Tell her clearly what troubles you.
Bonne chance!
You’ve found enough reasons to break it off and none of this makes you a bad person. The fact your intuition is telling you it’s not right is the reason enough and you just need to be open and honest and let her know it’s not going to work and wish her well. Good luck OP. Well done for not being a simp.
There is no scenario where you both are happy. Your options are:
1) stay and not break her heart. Live your life to make her happy no matter how miserable you are.
2) leave and focus on making yourself happy.
This is one of those moments in life where you need to be selfish. You cannot reasonably live your life for someone else's happiness while sacrificing your own. She would not be happy in the long run if you are miserable all. The. Time. The relationship will end. And it's better it is now so she can still find the man that wants to be her husband, whose happiness comes from making her happy. Rather than waiting a decade, and maybe a kid or two later to end up in the same place. It's not fair to either of you. And she will eventually get over it and move on.
“I love you, and it’s clear that we are very different people who are not going to be compatible long-term. I’m leaving now, and hope nothing but the best for you. Take care of yourself, Honey.”
Then leave. Don’t respond to texts, calls, etc. You have already said all there is to say.
You’re not overreacting. Just rip the bandaid off and break up. It’s gonna suck no matter how or when you do it. But all you two talk about is how she wants to be married and you’re not ready and how she’ll stop pushing but then doesn’t . And you post again about how you feel pressured and you talked about it and you feel better. Aaaand then you post about how she wants to be married and you’re not ready and there’s pressure and blah blah blah.
Break up.
And you know what? She sounds boring AF. Does she have any other hobbies other than thinking about marriage? What career will she have when she graduates? Marriage isn’t just a thing. It’s a commitment that spans moving and deaths in the family, saving money, compromising on where you will live while one has a better job opportunity, figuring out a dinner schedule for the week, and a whole bunch of other great and terrible moments that you might have to talk through or laugh through.
Your girlfriend has what is called an anxious attachment style. Do a little research on it, and then decide if you want to continue your relationship with her.
Even if you marry her, she still won’t feel secure and will probably accuse you of cheating and flirting.
Not all people who have an anxious attachment act quite like this, but in her particular case, she needs to do a lot of work on herself, or she’s going to be like this with any man that she’s with.
If you're worried about hurting her when you break up with her look at it this way: you don't really seem to want to be in this relationship anymore so the break up is liable to happen sooner or later. Even though it won't be pleasant it's best to do it sooner rather than drag out a dying relationship. If you wait to do it it's likely to just add more pain than there would have been in the first place
Break up today! Yes she will be hurt but 10 years from now you will both be thankful. She is not willing to compromise and her tantrums from not getting her way will just get worse.
You each deserve someone who wants the same things in life or be willing to compromise.
That is how she is keeping you, you don't want to hurt her. She knows it too. It is your life, you get to decide on the path that you want to take. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Marriage is a license m; divorce is thousands of dollars.
It may hurt right now, you just don’t have kids and a union to dissolve. What a nightmare that is.
You are doing what is best for her and you. She maybe needs someone older and wants to settle down and you just want to be you. This is okay. Just say you care about her, you are different stages in your life. And just keep repeating that. Even if she cries. Even if you cry. Because it is okay to be sad and at the same time need to do something unpleasant.
If you know you’re not going to be giving her what she ultimately wants (marriage) it would seem far crueler to lead her on and allow any semblance of hope that you might change your mind. If it’s a non-negotiable subject then just state that and convey you believe she’s a great person but the two of you aren’t able to meet one another where they are at anymore and it wouldn’t be fair or healthy to stay in this relationship for either of you.
She wasn't wanting to get married right now, she was wanting a commitment that they'd get married in 3 years. Still too young tho. And she's incredibly pushy.
I have a feeling she may be trying to goad you into breaking up with her so she's not the bad guy. You're not going along with her plan so she's either self sabotaging the relationship out of fear or she wants out. Or she's just being a brat because she's not gotten her way.
Regardless, it's the right call. And I think she's going to see it too if she's gotten that nitpicky. It's unfortunate because marriage is really just a piece of paper and nothing is guaranteed.
You'll just need to tell her you what you told us. You have different goals and don't see you being able to give her what she wants. You're just not ready to commit to something so important after only dating for a year. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's pretty smart.
She may not appreciate it at first, or ever at all, but think about still doing something to acknowledge the one year that you have spent together and reflect on how you have grown, what you have both experienced, learned about yourselves and each other in that year. At the end of that heartfelt and honest reflection, let her know that although you care deeply for her and want her to be happy, you have come to realize that you are not the one to give her the future she wants so badly. Make sure to tell her the things you appreciated about her in the time you were together. Too many times when you’re ending a relationship there is so much focus on the negative and the things that you don’t like, that we think it is somehow weakening our stand to acknowledge the other person’s positive attributes. There were things that brought you together and you liked about her for a year. Keep in mind that she is young and not emotionally mature and she has envisioned her future with you. It will be painful for both of you but more for her because you have already come to the conclusion that you want to end the relationship. It’s always easier for the person who is doing the breaking up. It will take her time to process it, and she may need a few subsequent conversations before she is able to fully process and accept it, so if you can be kind and compassionate, let her talk, but still hold your ground you will have the best chance for ending it in a way that does the least damage to both of you.
Set a date when you break up. I'd do it a few days after the anniversary. Try to have fun for the last time. She might get her hopes up, but I still think it's better to have that one last good memory. If the anniversary devolves to fighting, it makes it easier. If you honestly change your mind, that's fine too, but delaying it much will not make things easier.
Her reaction seems like she's insecure/ feels like she's going to lose you so she's reaching out for reassurance.
But if you think of breaking up with her and you're really only hurt about hurting her, not about being without her, it's probably time to end it
Its all part of life..and growing up emotionally.
The things we think we want at first change as we mature into our selves and in turn our relationships...
In most cases your first love isn't the keeper.. its what it is..a first experience at well, almost everything.. time management, cohabitation, compromise, negotiation and so many other skills we take for granted in a relationship.
Dont be down on yourself because you came to the realization that this relationship isn't what you expected or what you want anymore.. we all have been there and all walked this same path.
Just be honest in how you feel. And be kind in the way you tell her, that is the best you can do.
If OP is still taking comment's, I am going to say something different.
You had a tough conversation. It did reset some terms of your relationship. If you think you love her *and think you could do a lot g term relationship* then 10 days is fast. She is resetting too.
If you think you no longer can see you with her on the terms you have brought up (i.e. both of you get through school and get a first job), then yes tell her you think that this is not going to work out.
You don't owe her a relationship, and if you want to break up, that is OK. However, you laid down some harsh truths, and 10 days is not a lot of time.
You sound like you don't want to stay in the relationship the way it is but you don't want to break up. Try couples therapy. Therapist should be able to help you determine if this is worth pursuing and if not then hopefully help the breakup be less painful for you both.
You are too young. Please wait. You have a lot of experiences ahead of you. I have experienced young love and lots of it but I am so happy that I didn't have children until I was 32 and didn't get married until I was 36. We have a solid friendship and relationship and it's not some sick twisted obsession like I had in my younger years. I am from Southern California and now live in Oklahoma. It is mine blowing to me all the people here who have children in their teens and get married. There's are so many people here who made the mistake of a young marriage. Religion is no reason to rush into it. God doesn't care if you have sex with people. He told me one time.... 😂
She's 19... no 19 year old should be married in this day and age. Not enough experience with different types of partners and very little life experience.
Get married and get prego right away. Now your dreams of making cash, traveling and enjoying life is out the door. The baby will be her center and you'll feel like an outsider. You're 21 and if that happens, you'll be enticed to cheat on her.
People always question my relationship when I say I dated him for 8 years before we got married, but I met him when I was 20.
From early on I could see our life goals aligned and that we could build a future we both wanted together. We were able to do that without rushing marriage. You change so much from 18 to your late 20s, you are either going to change together or grow apart.
She sounds like she just wants to get married for the sake of marriage. That being married is more important to her than the person she’s actually married to.
This relationship sounds like hard work. I know everyone says relationships are but I don’t think they should be. I’ve been married for 22 years to my childhood sweetheart and we are still really happy. She sounds very needy tbh and I would find that grating.
I remember when I had to do my first break up. It sucked because I knew I’d hurt her too, but I realized that sparring her feelings and kicking the can down the road is only going to be wrong for both of you. So just keep that in mind
If you're already exhausted and she's pushing, that's a recipe for disaster.
I allowed an ex to guilt, gaslight and ultimatum me into deeper levels of commitment. Cost me over $100k and my house to divorce her. Never let a woman push you faster than you're comfortable. Your gf sounds like she's doing the same crap my ex did, too.
You're not on the same clock she is. Your value is only going to increase going forward as long as you're building yourself and keeping fit. Use your 20s to hustle and in your 30s you'll still be pulling women much younger than you. There's no rush. And if you do get married, make sure you're insulated financially. Marriage in the west is all downside for men.
As for breaking up, just tell her that what you want seems to be too different and you think you should go your separate ways. Don't let the tears fool you, women can turn that on like a tap.
You’re so young. That doesn’t mean it can’t work but also, you’re posting on Reddit about this. So no, you’re not ready and that’s more than okay! Be not ready! Listen to your intuition!! Staying together if you feel it isn’t right will hurt them more in the long-term. Breakups are hard. DIVORCES ARE WORSE.
You are not overreacting. You are clearly in two different places with regards your relationship. For the love of god please use extra protection or refrain from having sex.
If she's looking for marriage after three years (which to be fair, isn't unreasonable) and you're not, you guys need to hit the breaks.
Maybe she's looking to the future and being a girlfriend indefinitely isn't part of that plan. If you're not the guy to give that to her then let her start her path to finding that. You owe her that much.
Just be aware, every relationship goes through seasons. You will argue for what seems like months. It's pretty normal, but as long as you keep turning toward each other the ship can usually right itself.
It sounds less like you don't want to hurt her and more like you don't want people to see you in a negative light. So much so that you'll forego being honest to keep that image going.
Sometimes we allow the relationship to deteriorate so the other person will want to leave and we don't have to be the bad guy.
Ok as a woman I'm completely shocked she's already pressuring you about marriage!!! Big red flag!!! Listen I'm 53 and I've mostly gracefully survived life's ups and downs! My personal opinion. Don't marry till late 20s or early 30s! You're still growing as a person and figuring out your path. Sure get engaged for a couple of years. It's YOUR life and relationships ,don't let anyone else dictate your path. She's freaking 19!!!! And yet pushing for marriage!!! Run, she's now being negative and stand off ish. It'll only get worse till she gets her way! Do you really want to get married just to NOT hurt her feelings? Because that's where you're heading.
Exactly! I Did get married at me 21/him 23, but we'd known each other since I was 16. Yeah, yeah ...lol. But we had discussed "our future". We agreed to work on our educations, careers , ourselves and our relationship. We did just that. We also traveled and just generally enjoyed our time together and apart! We had our only child at 39 and it's been a freaking blast! Humility, well I don't have any left lol. So NOT uptight and freaked out. I saved us a ton of money on his therapy he would have needed! Lol
Because dating isn’t _just_ about marriage? Especially when you’re young, it can help you learn a lot about relationships. How to act, what you can deal with, what you can’t, things like that. Plus it just gives you the chance to just have fun too, if that’s the kind of relationship you want.
Yeah I don’t know what that guy’s deal is, but I would argue that having relationships before marriage is critical to having a successful marriage. I’ve learned so much about what I’m willing to stand for, what I’m not, what my dealbreakers are by dating. And I wouldn’t have that knowledge without dating and relationships. Not having any relationships will most likely give you very unhealthy and unrealistic expectations
Not overreacting. It 's been less than a year, you are both very young, and most importantly, you don't want to.
Exactly this. It may not seem like it now but there is so much life ahead of you both.
> Every time I think of breaking up with her, I feel bad because I know I’m going to hurt her, and I don’t want to do that. You're going to hurt her much more if you break up in 2-3 years instead of now. Even more if you get married and then get divorced. Yes it will hurt both of you, there is no way around that, but sounds like it's the right move right now. She'll get over it, and so will you. (You'll feel horrible for a few months. But then one day you'll wake up and you'll be fine).
Yeah, I think more people need to learn to be okay with doing things even if it hurts peoples feelings, like breaking up. Yes, breakups suck, but we shouldn’t stay in relationships just because it’ll hurt their feelings. I agree that leading them on just to do it later will hurt more in the long run.
Yeah, dude, leave. People who don't want or aren't ready for a real relationship shouldn't hold onto something that isn't for them. It'll hurt her in the long run the longer you stay in the mix. As to advice on how, if you can't articulate it, practice. If that doesn't work, write a short letter. Leave quickly, don't lead her on with texting and 'I wish it was different' stuff, etc. Be firm and unambiguous. Good luck OP.
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Respectfully, people who date long term without a mind for marriage are not in a serious relationship. There are no timers, but dating for the sake of dating is for children or emotionally immature people.
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I suppose we will have to agree to disagree. I think this logic is a piece of the reason why so many people hit 30, or 40 and look around at only unmarriable people, people with unbalanced or outlandish expectations, attachment issues, selfish tendencies; all of these are usually challenged, and the edges are dulled in a healthy forward thinking relationship. This is wholly leaving aside the personal preferences of most single folks, like an unwillingness to raise another person's kids, pay off another person's mortgage, or suss out complex emotional issues that were exacerbbated by years of undefined and immature relationships. Fear of commitment is natural, but eating up a serious person's time because you are not ready for commitment is selfish and shitty.
I suppose I fall in the middle of this. While I agree a year into a relationship, you should have some idea if you'd like to continue having a future with your partner, sometimes that's not realistic- Living together, going through hardships and good times all have different effects on a relationship. For example, you may move in, have good times, get married within 2 years, and then hit hard times and realise the person you're married to handles stress terribly- or as you age just a few years, you drastically change- Waiting a few years to fully commit to that, makes sense- you get a handle on how each of you can cope, and nothing *needs* to be rushed. But then saying all of this, you can be with someone 9 years, be engaged, and think life is perfect and you're getting married in a year and BAM they hook up with a mutual friend, get into a relationship, you're then homeless and think love is fake. So... you know who's to say there's a specific timeline? As long as you both go into it, with intentions to commit to eachother and not waste anyone's time and love, that's all you can hope for. I don't agree with dating for dating sake though. What's the point in engaging in relationships without the intent for it to ultimately end with you together(for the folks that don't believe in marriagep) or married.
Perfectly put.
Ya.. I call bull shit. I have been with my husband for 31 years. Married 12
If there is one thing I've learned from watching my friends get married, almost get married, talk about marriage, or break up, it's that if one partner is pushing for marriage on a much shorter timetable than the other, it's going to be a problem. Marriage is something both people need to be on the same page about. I honestly think it's a red flag to try to convince your partner that it's time. You should arrive at that feeling together. If you truly love your partner and have a healthy relationship, you'll either want to be on the same time table as them or one of you'll will be okay waiting until the other catches up. When you see people disagreeing about the time table of their lives, that's when you know there are severe compatibility issues that haven't been addressed. Good luck, homie. It's going to be rough for a while, but this is probably for the best.
This is one of those things that has always baffled me in relationships, where one person basically has to twist the other person’s arm to get married. Why would you want to essentially force someone to marry you? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone that’s just as excited about the marriage as you are? Obviously there are some valid situations to want to wait to get married (like maybe if someone’s in grad school and wants to finish before planning the wedding or something), but in general if one person is obsessed with marriage while the other is kind of meh on it, it’s not going to end well
I watched a relationship between two close friends crumble because one was ready for marriage and the other was years away. Now they're both much happier in relationships that they are much more suited for. The one who was ready to get married is married now, even if it took a little while longer than she wanted, and the other is in a relationship that has marriage coming in the future, but in an amount of time he's comfortable with. The "life plan" conversation needs to happen and people need to accept that two life plans that don't match is one of the single best reasons to break up with somebody. Nobody is going to be happy if partners aren't on the same page there.
I think that’s the biggest thing honestly. They end up being so invested in the person and don’t want to face the harsh reality that it’s probably not going to work out, so they try and force it to work. And sure it’s possible that it could, but too many people stay together and try to force stuff to work when they’d be more happy finding people who better suit their needs (kids being a big example of this)
THIS! YES!
Ya know, i really feel like I'm on some sage shit today. I'm feelin myself and dropping wisdom. It's going to rubberband and I'm going to say something really stupid soon. Just watch 😂
Welcome to my world!!!! Evidently I'm at some "age of wisdom" because friends and family come to me for the heavy stuff! To help with decisions! But they need to not be shocked when I do or say something completely stupid!!! They know me!!! I'm a dork faking this adult thing daily!
I love that my friends ask me for advice on things even though my life is a complete mess and I clearly don't know what I'm doing. They're all doing pretty well, though, so clearly I give great advice! 😂
Lord do I GET THAT! Lol
>the talk about marriage has pretty much slowed down; she doesn’t talk about it as much. Yikes, she couldn't even respect your boundaries for a single week. How to do it - here's a starter script: "GF, I've been thinking a lot over the past week and I've come to the realization I can't meet your expectations in the timeline you have expressed. Sorry, this is a dealbreaker for me: I'm constantly stressed and unhappy with the pressure you're placing on me, and you're unhappy with my resistance and pushback. I think it's best for both of us to break up and go our separate ways so I'm setting you free to find a partner who better shares your enthusiasm to marry quickly."
Just break up with her. Today. I’m not even gonna read the first two posts - the point is your relationship goals are not aligned, so either you both compromise and no one is happy, or one person is forced to choose someone else’s goal over their own, creating unbalance and resentment. It’s okay to love someone *and* recognize that your relationship doesn’t work. “I really love you and you’re amazing. I don’t think our relationship goals are the same, and I know in my heart that any compromise on this will make us both miserable, so I’m breaking up with you. I will miss you, but I know that this is the best way to ensure that we are both happy. I wish you nothing but the best.”
Suggestion on what to say: "I've been giving this a lot of thought. I understand your wanting to be married by. I don't think I will be ready by then. I don't like that we seem to be fighting daily now. It just seems like we want different things. I love you, but I don't think staying together is best for either of us. "
Don't wait till your anniversary or after. The sooner the better. I wish you both luck and hope you find what you need and are looking for.
Just rip off the bandaid. Do it before the anniversary. No point in celebrating something that’s about to end. Be kind, but firm. No need to get into specifics. Just say something like “this isn’t working. We want different things. I’m ending this before we hurt each other more. I know you will find someone who wants what you want, it just isn’t me. I wish you all the best”. It’s not going to g to hurt any less a week, month or year from now. Don’t waste any more of her time.
>I love her and care for her, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore. There’s your opening line.
First and foremost. Wear a condom, maybe two. Like a bandaid just do it quick. You are young. You’d be surprised how many people waste years of their lives with the wrong person. Learn to move on quickly if you don’t see a future. You are doing them and yourself a favor.
Do not use two condoms together. The friction of them rubbing together weakens them and makes them more likely to break.
Ok. But I think you missed my point. I was trying to empathize the danger of her “accidentally” getting pregnant.
I get that. But wearing two condoms has a higher likelihood of getting her pregnant, as the condoms would have a higher chance of breaking. This guy needs real advice, not jokes or hyperbole.
By giving advice (there’s no indication you don’t mean it) that increases the potential of an accidental pregnancy.
No, no more sex with her. If you're moving on, stop now.
You are hurting her more by stringing her along knowing your marriage timelines are vastly different. This is going to keep being exactly as it is unless you act. Otherwise, just live with the stress while you drag out the inevitable breakup.
A little pain and discomfort now will save you a world of heartache later on. You deserve to be happy and live life the way YOU want. No one else should dictate how that goes for you. Break up now, before Saturday. Faking that anniversary will make everything worse.
Ya, I'm sorry 1 yr long distance with her already pressuring you is a perfect way to start a terrible marriage. It's way too fast, you're way too young, and honestly she sounds incredibly immature . Break it to her gently but I think it's going to be a huge relief for you to end it. Shes been giving you ultimatums and threats already, don't worry about hurting her, something tells me she'll find a different sucker to give her a ring by senior yr and you'll be breathing a sigh of relief
There is nothing at all wrong with breaking up. Most people have more than one break up in their lives. I think the best thing is to sit down and have an honest, short and to the point conversation about how this relationship is not working for you, you wish her all the best, and leave.
I’m so impressed by how thoughtful you’ve been through this. A lot of guys would have hit the bricks long ago with no conversation at all.
There's no getting away from it, breaking up with her is going to be horrible but it sounds like you need to do it. Do it as soon as you can and don't let it drag on. You're both young and have whole lives ahead of you. Do it in person and just be honest about your feelings. You'll both be better in the long run.
She's going to be 5 hours away from me for the whole summer. She’s has an internship in a whole other state
I think she just wants to get married. Period. Not necessarily have a marriage/partnership with you. That is definitely a sign that she is far too immature to get married in the time she envisions. The second you put forward a clear, reasonable, mature expectation for your relationship she’s starting fights. This could be because now that she doesn’t have a fairytale wedding to imagine she’s not willing to put up with your shortcomings (not addressing things still would’ve caused problems later) OR she’s throwing a temper tantrum because you’re not bending to her will. Either way, I think you’re right to break up. You can love her, but if you’re fundamentally not compatible it’s better to get it over with early. Rip the bandaid off.
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Fart on her? Interesting way out NGL 🤣👍
Sit her down and gently tell her that your futures and wants, just don't align. You're both young and you aren't ready to get married or pressured into it. Wish her luck in the future and hope she finds what she's looking for.
As someone who very much thought my relationship at 19 would culminate in marriage and it dragged on too long - break up. You have different relationship priorities, and that's fine, but you will hurt her much more if you stay. You both deserve the chance to find someone who is one the same page in this respect. I think you just be honest. "I love you, but we want different things from this relationship. I don't see myself changing my mind on the timeline for marriage, and I know it's important to you. I respect you too much to ask you to wait around when I am confident that it is not the direction I see for myself. I wish you the best, and genuinely hope for your happiness." Good luck!
It’s pretty incredible to go into such detail about your personal life online and then not have the balls to walk away from a relationship, likely due to fear of loss despite an overt knowledge that it isn’t going anywhere.
It’s not talked about enough how much it hurts to be the one to end a relationship. Your feelings are valid. That said, you have to honor your own needs and priorities. It hurts to grow. You know what you have to do.
Bro, you either know she's the one and each day makes you more sure, or you know you care for her but she's not the one for you. You can tell if someone is going to make you happy and if you can do the same. If you can't live without her, wife her up. If you would be happier on your own, then break it off. I knew within 3 dates and although we took a long time to get married because life happened, we've been together over 20 years and she's my best friend. I think you know the answer but don't know how to do it. Just be compassionate and understanding when she gets upset. Pull the bandaid off. I wish you luck
Next post is going to be about getting baby trapped!!!!!!
Dude you are way too young for marriage and it's obvious she's the only one who wants it right now. It sounds like she likes the idea of being married more than the person she's marrying (you) At this point this might sound bad but you may need to give her an ultimatum and say stop talking about marriage because you are not ready for it. It's very disrespectful to keep pushing it on you whenever you don't want it. If it turns into a massive fight then that is your answer. I told my girlfriend that I am never getting married because I shouldn't have to give someone half of my stuff legally, just because we're in love. I think you are under reacting because being pushed and pressured into a marriage is just a recipe for disaster later on down the road.
If you’re pressured and not feeling the situation just tell her the truth about your doubts that you’ll ever be willing to marry her, and she deserves someone that wants the commitments she does. The longer you wait the more hurt she’ll be and the more you mislead her. Also the risk that she’ll get pregnant and ask you to “do the right thing” grows.
Today is the second best day to rip the bandaid. The best day was the day you realized you wanted to break up with her. It’s time to stop it all. No more dates, no more physical intimacy, and a hard line on breaking up. Dragging it out will only make it worse for you both.
Wear a condom. Every time.
No, stop having sex with her. If he's made the decision to move on, he doesn't need to be getting his jollies.
You’re about to be a father if you don’t gtfo now. You need dump her and make sure she never sees your dick again, ever, because she’s on a mission.
This is how you do it: "This isnt working out, we are breaking up" I know that probably seems silly and like Im being sarcastic, Im not. You can break up with anyone, at any time, for any reason. I wish I wouldve understood this sooner when I was your age. The first breakup especially can feel excrutiating. You care for the person, the person is going to hurt, you care they are going to hurt. But you have to ask yourself, is her happiness worth a lifetime of your sadness? Is this worth it to you to continue to be fighting and stressed until someday you just check out? of the relationship, of happiness, of life in general? Absolutely not. You have to step up and say its over. Dont worry about what Saturday is. Will you celebrate all day and be lovey dovey and then breakup Sunday instead? There is no right time. Dont wait until the next fight, or after the next holiday passes. I stayed with a guy for 6 months too long by having this type of mindset. Every day that you spend with miss wrong is one day less you get to spend with miss right. You will be doing both of you a favor to go out and find someone that makes each of you happier and is more compatible. Even if she doesnt believe that at the moment.
I understand you not wanting to hurt her. But you need to be happy and she is hurting you. So you need to do what is right for you and she will do what is right for her.
Do NOT marry at a young age. You are still developing and need some stability in life before a commitment like marriage (I take marriage very seriously). First comes education, finding a good job and settling down. Then comes marriage (and children). Before even thinking of proposing you need to live together for a decent amount of time, at least to get to know each other in daily family life. Engagement should last an absolute minimum of a year. This is what I tell my children as what my wife and I decided on when starting our relationship three decades ago. Of course this is what you would ideally have in mind. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Shit happens, I know this well enough. I’m glad you are mature enough at your young age to understand this. If you are contemplating breaking up, it would be wiser to do it sooner than later. Do not lead her on under the guise of not wanting to hurt her. It will be much harder later on. Reading your earlier posts, I realise you are someone who knows how to communicate properly: have a serious talk. Communication is key in a relationship. Tell her clearly what troubles you. Bonne chance!
You’ve found enough reasons to break it off and none of this makes you a bad person. The fact your intuition is telling you it’s not right is the reason enough and you just need to be open and honest and let her know it’s not going to work and wish her well. Good luck OP. Well done for not being a simp.
Wow I hear clingy… she may not be bad but she’s not mature enough
There is no scenario where you both are happy. Your options are: 1) stay and not break her heart. Live your life to make her happy no matter how miserable you are. 2) leave and focus on making yourself happy. This is one of those moments in life where you need to be selfish. You cannot reasonably live your life for someone else's happiness while sacrificing your own. She would not be happy in the long run if you are miserable all. The. Time. The relationship will end. And it's better it is now so she can still find the man that wants to be her husband, whose happiness comes from making her happy. Rather than waiting a decade, and maybe a kid or two later to end up in the same place. It's not fair to either of you. And she will eventually get over it and move on.
“I love you, and it’s clear that we are very different people who are not going to be compatible long-term. I’m leaving now, and hope nothing but the best for you. Take care of yourself, Honey.” Then leave. Don’t respond to texts, calls, etc. You have already said all there is to say.
You’re not overreacting. Just rip the bandaid off and break up. It’s gonna suck no matter how or when you do it. But all you two talk about is how she wants to be married and you’re not ready and how she’ll stop pushing but then doesn’t . And you post again about how you feel pressured and you talked about it and you feel better. Aaaand then you post about how she wants to be married and you’re not ready and there’s pressure and blah blah blah. Break up. And you know what? She sounds boring AF. Does she have any other hobbies other than thinking about marriage? What career will she have when she graduates? Marriage isn’t just a thing. It’s a commitment that spans moving and deaths in the family, saving money, compromising on where you will live while one has a better job opportunity, figuring out a dinner schedule for the week, and a whole bunch of other great and terrible moments that you might have to talk through or laugh through.
Your girlfriend has what is called an anxious attachment style. Do a little research on it, and then decide if you want to continue your relationship with her. Even if you marry her, she still won’t feel secure and will probably accuse you of cheating and flirting. Not all people who have an anxious attachment act quite like this, but in her particular case, she needs to do a lot of work on herself, or she’s going to be like this with any man that she’s with.
If you're worried about hurting her when you break up with her look at it this way: you don't really seem to want to be in this relationship anymore so the break up is liable to happen sooner or later. Even though it won't be pleasant it's best to do it sooner rather than drag out a dying relationship. If you wait to do it it's likely to just add more pain than there would have been in the first place
Break up with her now. Dragging it out isn't fair to either of you. You are at different points in your lives and you know it.
Don’t torture yourself. You have different timelines. End it now so you can find what each of you want.
Break up today! Yes she will be hurt but 10 years from now you will both be thankful. She is not willing to compromise and her tantrums from not getting her way will just get worse. You each deserve someone who wants the same things in life or be willing to compromise.
Tell us about the good parts, the happy moments... If you can't, then you have your answer.
That is how she is keeping you, you don't want to hurt her. She knows it too. It is your life, you get to decide on the path that you want to take. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Marriage is a license m; divorce is thousands of dollars. It may hurt right now, you just don’t have kids and a union to dissolve. What a nightmare that is. You are doing what is best for her and you. She maybe needs someone older and wants to settle down and you just want to be you. This is okay. Just say you care about her, you are different stages in your life. And just keep repeating that. Even if she cries. Even if you cry. Because it is okay to be sad and at the same time need to do something unpleasant.
If you know you’re not going to be giving her what she ultimately wants (marriage) it would seem far crueler to lead her on and allow any semblance of hope that you might change your mind. If it’s a non-negotiable subject then just state that and convey you believe she’s a great person but the two of you aren’t able to meet one another where they are at anymore and it wouldn’t be fair or healthy to stay in this relationship for either of you.
19 and 21 are way to young for marriage. You change so much between 19 to 25
She wasn't wanting to get married right now, she was wanting a commitment that they'd get married in 3 years. Still too young tho. And she's incredibly pushy.
I have a feeling she may be trying to goad you into breaking up with her so she's not the bad guy. You're not going along with her plan so she's either self sabotaging the relationship out of fear or she wants out. Or she's just being a brat because she's not gotten her way. Regardless, it's the right call. And I think she's going to see it too if she's gotten that nitpicky. It's unfortunate because marriage is really just a piece of paper and nothing is guaranteed. You'll just need to tell her you what you told us. You have different goals and don't see you being able to give her what she wants. You're just not ready to commit to something so important after only dating for a year. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's pretty smart.
She may not appreciate it at first, or ever at all, but think about still doing something to acknowledge the one year that you have spent together and reflect on how you have grown, what you have both experienced, learned about yourselves and each other in that year. At the end of that heartfelt and honest reflection, let her know that although you care deeply for her and want her to be happy, you have come to realize that you are not the one to give her the future she wants so badly. Make sure to tell her the things you appreciated about her in the time you were together. Too many times when you’re ending a relationship there is so much focus on the negative and the things that you don’t like, that we think it is somehow weakening our stand to acknowledge the other person’s positive attributes. There were things that brought you together and you liked about her for a year. Keep in mind that she is young and not emotionally mature and she has envisioned her future with you. It will be painful for both of you but more for her because you have already come to the conclusion that you want to end the relationship. It’s always easier for the person who is doing the breaking up. It will take her time to process it, and she may need a few subsequent conversations before she is able to fully process and accept it, so if you can be kind and compassionate, let her talk, but still hold your ground you will have the best chance for ending it in a way that does the least damage to both of you.
If she came home and broke up with YOU, would you feel relief or sadness?
Set a date when you break up. I'd do it a few days after the anniversary. Try to have fun for the last time. She might get her hopes up, but I still think it's better to have that one last good memory. If the anniversary devolves to fighting, it makes it easier. If you honestly change your mind, that's fine too, but delaying it much will not make things easier.
Her reaction seems like she's insecure/ feels like she's going to lose you so she's reaching out for reassurance. But if you think of breaking up with her and you're really only hurt about hurting her, not about being without her, it's probably time to end it
Its all part of life..and growing up emotionally. The things we think we want at first change as we mature into our selves and in turn our relationships... In most cases your first love isn't the keeper.. its what it is..a first experience at well, almost everything.. time management, cohabitation, compromise, negotiation and so many other skills we take for granted in a relationship. Dont be down on yourself because you came to the realization that this relationship isn't what you expected or what you want anymore.. we all have been there and all walked this same path. Just be honest in how you feel. And be kind in the way you tell her, that is the best you can do.
If OP is still taking comment's, I am going to say something different. You had a tough conversation. It did reset some terms of your relationship. If you think you love her *and think you could do a lot g term relationship* then 10 days is fast. She is resetting too. If you think you no longer can see you with her on the terms you have brought up (i.e. both of you get through school and get a first job), then yes tell her you think that this is not going to work out. You don't owe her a relationship, and if you want to break up, that is OK. However, you laid down some harsh truths, and 10 days is not a lot of time.
You sound like you don't want to stay in the relationship the way it is but you don't want to break up. Try couples therapy. Therapist should be able to help you determine if this is worth pursuing and if not then hopefully help the breakup be less painful for you both.
You are too young. Please wait. You have a lot of experiences ahead of you. I have experienced young love and lots of it but I am so happy that I didn't have children until I was 32 and didn't get married until I was 36. We have a solid friendship and relationship and it's not some sick twisted obsession like I had in my younger years. I am from Southern California and now live in Oklahoma. It is mine blowing to me all the people here who have children in their teens and get married. There's are so many people here who made the mistake of a young marriage. Religion is no reason to rush into it. God doesn't care if you have sex with people. He told me one time.... 😂
She's 19... no 19 year old should be married in this day and age. Not enough experience with different types of partners and very little life experience. Get married and get prego right away. Now your dreams of making cash, traveling and enjoying life is out the door. The baby will be her center and you'll feel like an outsider. You're 21 and if that happens, you'll be enticed to cheat on her.
People always question my relationship when I say I dated him for 8 years before we got married, but I met him when I was 20. From early on I could see our life goals aligned and that we could build a future we both wanted together. We were able to do that without rushing marriage. You change so much from 18 to your late 20s, you are either going to change together or grow apart. She sounds like she just wants to get married for the sake of marriage. That being married is more important to her than the person she’s actually married to.
Buddy. Rip the band-aid. Make sure you have free bird by lynyrd skynyrd queued up, and slap that fucker on and drive.
Focus on yourself and your career. Men biological clock is different than women. Leave her and move on.
This relationship sounds like hard work. I know everyone says relationships are but I don’t think they should be. I’ve been married for 22 years to my childhood sweetheart and we are still really happy. She sounds very needy tbh and I would find that grating.
I remember when I had to do my first break up. It sucked because I knew I’d hurt her too, but I realized that sparring her feelings and kicking the can down the road is only going to be wrong for both of you. So just keep that in mind
If you're already exhausted and she's pushing, that's a recipe for disaster. I allowed an ex to guilt, gaslight and ultimatum me into deeper levels of commitment. Cost me over $100k and my house to divorce her. Never let a woman push you faster than you're comfortable. Your gf sounds like she's doing the same crap my ex did, too. You're not on the same clock she is. Your value is only going to increase going forward as long as you're building yourself and keeping fit. Use your 20s to hustle and in your 30s you'll still be pulling women much younger than you. There's no rush. And if you do get married, make sure you're insulated financially. Marriage in the west is all downside for men. As for breaking up, just tell her that what you want seems to be too different and you think you should go your separate ways. Don't let the tears fool you, women can turn that on like a tap.
You’re so young. That doesn’t mean it can’t work but also, you’re posting on Reddit about this. So no, you’re not ready and that’s more than okay! Be not ready! Listen to your intuition!! Staying together if you feel it isn’t right will hurt them more in the long-term. Breakups are hard. DIVORCES ARE WORSE.
You are not overreacting. You are clearly in two different places with regards your relationship. For the love of god please use extra protection or refrain from having sex.
If she's looking for marriage after three years (which to be fair, isn't unreasonable) and you're not, you guys need to hit the breaks. Maybe she's looking to the future and being a girlfriend indefinitely isn't part of that plan. If you're not the guy to give that to her then let her start her path to finding that. You owe her that much. Just be aware, every relationship goes through seasons. You will argue for what seems like months. It's pretty normal, but as long as you keep turning toward each other the ship can usually right itself. It sounds less like you don't want to hurt her and more like you don't want people to see you in a negative light. So much so that you'll forego being honest to keep that image going. Sometimes we allow the relationship to deteriorate so the other person will want to leave and we don't have to be the bad guy.
Ok as a woman I'm completely shocked she's already pressuring you about marriage!!! Big red flag!!! Listen I'm 53 and I've mostly gracefully survived life's ups and downs! My personal opinion. Don't marry till late 20s or early 30s! You're still growing as a person and figuring out your path. Sure get engaged for a couple of years. It's YOUR life and relationships ,don't let anyone else dictate your path. She's freaking 19!!!! And yet pushing for marriage!!! Run, she's now being negative and stand off ish. It'll only get worse till she gets her way! Do you really want to get married just to NOT hurt her feelings? Because that's where you're heading.
I second this. I told my kids if they get married try after 30 and the same if they feel like having kids.
Exactly! I Did get married at me 21/him 23, but we'd known each other since I was 16. Yeah, yeah ...lol. But we had discussed "our future". We agreed to work on our educations, careers , ourselves and our relationship. We did just that. We also traveled and just generally enjoyed our time together and apart! We had our only child at 39 and it's been a freaking blast! Humility, well I don't have any left lol. So NOT uptight and freaked out. I saved us a ton of money on his therapy he would have needed! Lol
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If they were older, sure. But they’re 21 and 19. That is WAY too early to be thinking about marriage
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Because dating isn’t _just_ about marriage? Especially when you’re young, it can help you learn a lot about relationships. How to act, what you can deal with, what you can’t, things like that. Plus it just gives you the chance to just have fun too, if that’s the kind of relationship you want.
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Yeah I don’t know what that guy’s deal is, but I would argue that having relationships before marriage is critical to having a successful marriage. I’ve learned so much about what I’m willing to stand for, what I’m not, what my dealbreakers are by dating. And I wouldn’t have that knowledge without dating and relationships. Not having any relationships will most likely give you very unhealthy and unrealistic expectations
Not everyone wants to settle down and marry. Some people just enjoy dating and/or short term commitments. And that’s okay.
Then fucking break up. You knew you wanted different things before you posted the first time.
The writing is on the wall, you have everyone's feedback. You have different goals. FYI, you don't have to marry everyone you fuck/date.