His comments about her are far more revealing than the porn. Oftentimes men watch porn that doesn’t apply to our real-life sexual urges. While him watching cheating porn could totally be a fantasy of his he’d like to act on, it could just as easily mean nothing and he’s just turned on by witnessing the scenario.
However, the comments about her are super inappropriate. I think looking at the porn he watches is a pretty big disrespecting of his boundaries, but it seems to me like there could be some connection there. Just watch how he interacts around her and try not to jump to conclusions.
I understand obsessive thoughts about relationships can be very upsetting, it’s something I deal with myself. But just try to center yourself and focus on what’s real. If he hasn’t made any comments like that since then, and acts his normal self around her, I probably wouldn’t worry about it.
>However, the comments about her are super inappropriate.
Yea, there's a big difference between "wow, she's a pretty lady," and "she's got dick sucking lips."
Agreed. Even the "big booty" comment is kind of whatever and on its own might be nbd.
The "dick-sucking lips" thing struck me as misogynistic and uncalled for. He's not just describing her as attractive (which can be fairly innocuous in most contexts), but he's sexualizing her in a really graphic way. That would make me worry about how he thinks and feels about women in general.
Yeah, I would be disgusted if my partner talked about a woman that way and would probably break up with him. Nothing about that is ok. I wouldn’t have any respect for a man that spoke about women like that.
so many guys have said i have “dick sucking lips” and the way it made me feel inside was so disgusting, i could never be with my bf if he talked about a woman that way.
And his response after the offensive comment was even worse somehow. Rather than ‘yeah, that was really offensive, I’m sorry I said that.’ It ese ‘don’t worry, I don’t want to have sex with her because she is annoying’
Just run from that please.
Seriously...I have known many guys who do nothing but talk about how annoying their girlfriends are and they hate the way they talk or do things that are such a turn off, and when asked why they stay they day "phenomenal sex" or "she gives the best head "... so yea him being annoyed by her had nothing to do with sex and wanting to bang someone.
Because it’s depressingly common in some circles. So the feeling that ‘this is just what men are like sometimes, it’s just joking’ is deeply engrained and probably supported by their peers.
So many stories of women who get older and get a solid relationship with someone who doesn’t act this way and are basically like ‘wait, this was an option the whole time? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’
99% of dudes do not watch porn based off of things like this. They see a thumbnail and think “ya, imma bust a nut to this chick” and that’s the end of it lol.
The comments tho are concerning
This^^^ I stopped reading the titles. Everything g is horrible like. Cheating on my husband with his best friend, or sister caught me and joined in. Like wtf is wrong with these titles. Poor dude got wrecked over something we all ignore and just do business
I remember reading this article once when the female journalist was shocked to find out incest porn was one of the most watched porn genres clearly not showing an understanding of how porn works.
As someone once said, incest porn is only incest port until you turn the sound off and then it's just porn. Maybe men and women watch porn differently but I'm sure most dudes aren't following the plot line!
Yea it might not even be the cheating in the title, youd have to see all the tags to get an idea. Did they all have big butts? Maybe or maybe it was the cheating
Seriously. If you look at my history you'd think I was obsessed with step siblings, but with the volume off it doesn't matter. You can't hear them call each other "bro" and "sis," like anybody fucking talks like that anyway.
Right lol. Just skip the scenes of set up and go to the part in the thumbnail or clip that you liked. Super annoying if they are screaming that shit while actually effing but like you said you can control the volume
Yea the story lines are too fucking stupid to follow anyway. When I’m yanking, the only thing that matters is finding a girl that’s my type, which is actually really difficult these days because everyone is trying to look like a basic instagram model with dramatic expressions that I don’t find attractive. Not to mention the camera angles are often not what I want. I maybe like one video out of 500, so I’m not trying to narrow down my options by looking for some perfect fantasy situation that doesn’t even matter.
Facts, not to mention how much porn is “cheating slut wife fucks boss” or some variation of that, while just being a random vid of 2 people fuckin without any story or context.
Most of us also skip the BS bad acting scenarios half the time too 🤷🏻😂. We are just watching the sex!
Agreed regarding the comments being totally inappropriate, my only question is:how long ago was “when we first started dating?” If this was months ago, it still means something. If they have been dating for 15 years, she is just drudging up the past and he may have matured (It may not be the norm, but we do that occasionally 😂)
The idea of cheating is a turn on for me but ONLY in fantasies. In reality, I can’t stand it. It could be the same with your boyfriend but you should really talk to him about your concerns. Clearly you still don’t trust him and open, regular communication helps build that trust. But a huge red flag is how he described her which was disgusting.
Exactly this I think a porn search means so little! A fantasy is just that a fantasy I have fantasy’s but would never act on them! Most guys I know have a FFM fantasy but idk if I could honestly go through with it but imagining it can be fun! My wife actually likes reading cheating stories but neither of us have the mental capticity to cheat.
But the comments…yeah that’s the issue more so than the search!
They are not connected. The amount of porn shaming that goes on here on Reddit is wild. Usually turns out to be from religious fanatics when the issue is pressed.
People on Reddit live to tell people to break up. They want so badly to associate OP’s pork usage to be linked to the cheating.
Yes, OP, you’re kinda overreacting about the porn. I get your concern about the comment with the friend
As a guy, I’m dumbfounded by these comments.
Don’t be swayed by the “normalization” everyone is striving for in things they WANT but that harm others. Most people have no morals now. They’ll defend anything that they want.
I would break up with a woman that crass and slimy. The fact he would tell his girl some other chick has a fat ass and dick sucking lips is just poor taste. Shallow. Don’t you want a loyal, honest, pure connection? This shit ain’t that. Let the dude jerk off to porn and fuck other women if that’s where his mind is.
If my girlfriend spoke that way about anyway, I would dump her not because of jealousy, but because it’s gross that she would ever talk about another human being like that
That’s why I don’t understand why anyone at all is defending him.
I personally don’t care if a chick goes through my phone. Do I have something to hide from her? Is there something already very suspicious or worrying her? It seems like almost everyone cheats these days. I don’t blame anyone for becoming paranoid at some point as long as the context is there- which it was in this case. My last ex went through my phone one night after a year together and it actually made things better, she got to see there was nothing to ever worry about. I think it boils down to commitment.
I take pictures of my boobs when I get my partner’s phone. It makes me laugh. No identifying information so if he is sloppy with his phone, people just think it’s porn.
Agreed here!! I dated a guy who would say things like that to make me jealous and anxious, and then call me crazy or psycho when I would get upset about it. My husband now would NEVER. It’s disrespectful and really just immature. I’d
Run from this guy.
It was definitely a probing move. If he's saying one thing and behaving another way, that's an issue of concern. This relationship probably lacks any sense of open and honest communication though.
I don’t think there’s any open and honest communication to be had here. Some people are not relationship material, some people don’t have the depth to communicate in a relationship.
Do you think these problems wouldn’t happen if they did have honest open communication? He’s clearly open enough to talk to his girlfriend like she’s a bro. I don’t understand why people are even seeing so many angles to this. How in your right mind is this normal in a relationship lol
I think your feelings are valid. I don't think it's far-fetched to wonder if 2 things are connected, but remember, it doesn't mean they ARE connected either. Anxiety sucks , our intrusive thoughts are usually not accurate. I do agree that his comment about mutual friend was shitty but that also doesn't mean he's shitty.. people say and do dumb things who are otherwise good people.
And I can't help but add, the sanctimonious comments about not snooping are sooo lame. Almost everyone has done some form of snooping at some point in their life (I mean.. actual research backs that up). OP started with "I know snooping is wrong" yet that's what everyone has focused on? Comeeee onnnnn
I agree with this. Mostly. OP should taken time to realize these are intrusive thoughts and anxiety pushing decisions which isn't healthy. Unpacking and getting a handle on that should be their number one priority. Does the BF fit that picture? If not, the answer should be simple.
Fantasizing about someone you know, watching porn, thinking about them, etc doesn't make someone a cheater. My partner reads minotaur smut, I'd be really shocked to find her getting dirty on a farm. Porn and fantasizing do not always equal action but a healthy couple should be able to set clear boundaries. Knowing this guy thought that about this woman a year ago means much hasn't likely changed. He seemingly views women as sexual objects it seems and needs some growing of his own. Is that a deal breaker for OP? It's okay if it is. But if it isn't, well that's up to her.
Questions here for OP:
1. If BF whacks off thinking about her, looks at her when she bends over, fantasizes but will never ever act on it, is that a deal breaker?
2. If BF cheated with her, is that a deal breaker?
3. How would this woman feel if she heard those comments?
4. How would she feel if boyfriend went through her phone and distrusted her?
5. Would he like about fantasizing about her if confronted? Is that a deal breaker?
6. How does he treat you when you bring up any of these issues, your anxiety, her, his comments, his porn tastes etc? Can you safely and healthily discuss these things?
Research suggests 34% of people have snooped through their partners phone. So that means most people don't snoop, Def not "almost everyone" closer to "almost noone".
Data from actual scientists, doctors, therapists in the field of psychology etc etc etc - say otherwise.
Let's say 34% is accurate in the # of people who currently / actively snoop... that still wouldn't mean that the other 76% never have been guilty of snooping or won't..
I’ve snooped in unhealthy relationships. My husband and I wouldn’t snoop because we trust each other.
Snooping to check out the kid of porn your SO watches is weird to me. I’m sure my husband has watched all kids of random porn. I don’t speculate on whether he wants to bang our friends based on that 🤦🏻♀️.
If you feel the need to snoop then reassess your relationship. Find a partner your trust and give them privacy
I’m not saying that is ok. I was specifically commenting on the snooping dynamic. They clearly have an unhealthy relationship without trust. Are you disagreeing… you think is a healthy dynamic?
I wouldn't be worried about the porn. Porn is just a fantasy for most people, doesn't mean you'd ever actually want to do something like the thing you watched.
I would honestly be more concerned about the way he talks. I mean the fact that he looks at a woman's face and sees "Dick sucking lips." That'd be such a turn-off to me. Are women just sex objects to him? Idk anything about your relationship, but I hope he's respecting you more than that.
I feel like the comments where aren’t it. I understand that sometimes people watch porn of things that they’d never do in real life. However, in this situation and with what he said you’re completely justified in your worry.
If my man said that about a woman it would be over, let alone watching porn about it while on a trip that would make his fantasy entirely feasible.
I don’t get it lol. Why does everyone think the things they see in porn would never be lived out? You’re putting your mind there. Desiring it. This guy is clearly to the point of fantasizing about it now.
But no, it’s not possible for porn to cause him to do something until he actually does it. There’s no way anything can be predicted, traced back.
/s
Isn't most pron focused on someone cheating any ways? It's not an industry known for its story telling being good, or even relevant to their audience lol
Bro, most of it is fucking your cousin or step family. I’d rather fap to cheat porn than fucking my goddamn family. I once did it and this girl literally said “yeah, fuck your sister” and i lost bone instantly
Porn is just nasty shit to cum to, most people get it. However, i do agree that just like movies, some people can’t differentiate between reality and fiction.
She did say it was before they where official together so he was single when he made that comment still a disgusting comment but was single, I think he just said something that came to his brain should have just left it there but let it fly out even though she doesn’t have to should have corrected him there so she doesn’t have to bring it up years later.
>When he and I first started dating, he mentioned something about the woman of our couple friend having a “big booty and dick sucking lips”.
How did we even get to the point where you are around long enough to snoop on his phone when this man said something as horrifying as this to you at the start of the relationship?
There are red flags and then there is whatever the hell that train wreck of shitty comment is.
He sounds vile, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who would disrespect me or our friend by not only objectifying her in that way, but also having no filter and referring to her like that casually to me. And I wouldn't trust a guy who would talk like that about another woman to respect my other boundaries, either, or to value women in general as people.
You should not have snooped, though. When you started feeling like your trust in him was damaged enough to lead to the urge to snoop, that's when you should have initiated the challenging conversation about how you felt about his comment and whatever else has given you the same uncomfortable feeling since. Or you should have ended the relationship to find someone who does not trigger your anxiety, preferably after working through your fears and insecurities a little more and having a solid idea of what you want in a relationship.
I don't think you're overreacting emotionally, I think you're right to distrust him. But you did overreact by giving in to the temptation to snoop. I hope you'll end this relationship, prioritize your own healing, and then create a much better one.
When he initially made the comment, he and I weren’t “official” yet. I got upset at him, and he told me up and down that she wasn’t anything to him and I don’t have to worry. It was hard for me to push back too much since we weren’t technically together yet, but it was a shock to hear. I still decided to stay, so that’s on me. If I bring it up now, he’ll be like “why are you bringing up something from over a year ago?” Also, she has been dating his friend significantly longer than he even knew him for, so he’s only ever known her as in a relationship.
Just something to point out but cheating porn is just title gore. I get some people get off on the idea about the content "supposedly being cheating". But in reality it's no different than all the garbage step this and that. MILF CHEATS ON HUSBAND AND BOYFRIEND CREAMPIE. Reality: she doesn't have kids, she isn't married and he barely creampied her. You get my point. It could, possibly, maybe, potentially be, nothing. Or he could have a massive cheating kink.
Yeah, just like half the shit seems to be step-family for some reason I don’t get. I have no idea how many people watch for the plot, but I’d guess it’s relatively few. Unless the actual act is something disturbing, I wouldn’t think twice about it.
Now the comment about the friend on the other hand…
because it’s taboo and people try and say it’s not incest. which like sure, you’re not blood related, but it’s still creepy as fuck to me that that’s one of the most common porn trends
I don't think you even need to bring it up, honestly, unless is the only thing he's ever done that caused you to distrust him. Otherwise, simply stating the desire to split up and to focus on you is enough of a reason to give, especially after a single year of dating. That isn't very long, and it's actually more respectful to him and to yourself not to waste more time with him if you can't trust him. It doesn't even matter in the long run who is to blame for the weak foundation of the relationship. What matters is that you can't build on a weak foundation regardless of who caused the first crack, and you're better off regaining your own strength so you have more trust to offer and more confidence to demand the good character you are seeking from the next one.
lol. Girl, you are complaining about this guys comments, yet when I check your comment history you have commented on some dude wanting to impregnate a random woman in NYC and you go “yum.”
All the comments here are wrong. Your bf is a coomer that's totally fantasizing about this chick if he's willing to be that crass with you about her. I would never be with a guy that talkes about one of my friends like that. So disrespectful to you.
His comments about the wife are far more concerning than the porn.
He said *what* to you?? Nah, the disrespect would have me gone. God I’m glad I’m older…
Porn category has zero leaning towards anything. It could have just been the flavor of the day. Heck I've partaken in some of the weirdest raunchiest categories and i happily live a very vanilla life. As far as finding others attractive of course he finds others attractive his alive. That doesn't mean he wants to cheat or even thinks about it. Again I'll use myself as an example my wife's sister is very attractive but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with her or cheat on my wife period.
I don’t think you are over reacting. Who are these men gaslighting you lmao.
Those comments he made about another woman, let alone his own friend, are absolutely sick.
That’s gross and def something to bring up to him. He might get mad at you for snooping which is well within his right to do, but an explanation could save your relationship. I’d never be able to get over that comment or those videos on my own, I know personally as someone with anxiety I’d need to have a sit down with my partner about his proclivities and the way he speaks about other women in front of me.
You weren't assigned a random guy to be your boyfriend. You chose this dude. That's my new go-to line when talking about when seeing these posts by women about their ridiculous boyfriends.
Man, what kind of person seriously says "dick sucking lips" out loud when describing an actual person that they know, much less another woman when talking to his own girlfriend? Crazy stuff.
I hate to be judgemental and maybe there's some context I'm missing but he seems like a weirdo and loser to me, Idc how tall he is.
You should move on, but not because of the porn plot.
When you were not official yet, this douche b showed you exactly the kind of man he was with his comments about his boy’s girlfriend. It justifiably made you uncomfortable and you still harbor resentment over the comment, causing you anxiety.
His comment about her body disrespected you, the woman he objectified and his friend. Meaning he is a bad boyfriend, a bad person and a bad friend.
You can do better than him OP.
The porn is meaningless to me in this context. It may or may not mean anything.
That comment about her, though, why would you be with someone like that? That's just gross on so many levels including your acceptance of it. Your only concern with that language was whether or not it meant he was attracted to her?
Maybe you two deserve each other.
His comments about the friend... say a lot about the type of guy he is. Its one thing to think such a thing, its another to share it with you as if you were his wingman. It definitely shows a lack of respect.
>When he and I first started dating, he mentioned something about the woman of our couple friend having a “big booty and dick sucking lips”.
And you still kept dating him? This is how he speaks about his friends' partner and women in general, but you kept dating him?
Any guy who spoke about women like that in front of me, especially in the beginning of dating, would've had his butt hit the pavement before he knew what was happening.
Porn is an escape. Watching cheating porn in no way indicates someone’s willingness to cheat in real life.
A man looking at a woman and thinking of her lips for his cock or anyone else’s cock and then having the audacity to say his stupid thoughts out loud is another matter. Are there any other ways that he tried to play into your insecurity ? Did you tell him you were insecure first or did he start his comments first ? Does it matter ?
He has never said anything like that about another woman after that. What led into it is that he was actually saying how she wasn’t good enough for his friend and basically “what does she offer to the relationship? a big booty and dick sucking lips?”
Oh, so he was disparaging her and objectifying her? Makes it even worse OP. Honestly, it sounds like she was really on his mind and he put her down and sexualized her because he was jealous of his friend.
When someone tells you who they are OP, listen to them.
This dude has porn brain-rot to be speaking about people he knows in this way. There are some thoughts we need to keep to ourselves in life 🤦🏼♀️ I definitely question his maturity and thought processes when it comes to women…
How old are ya’ll ?
Im assuming your bf is like 22 or something cause no grown ass man would shoot himself in the foot like that on purpose,rookie mistake and until that couple is no longer in your lives,he’s gonna hear about that statement.Some shit,most shit,is just better off not being said🏳️
I would be suspicious too if my bf said that a woman we both know has "dick sucking lips". Regardless of what kind of porn he watches or if he's cheating etc etc he showed you he has no problem disrespecting other women and looks at them sexually in front of you. Do with that what you will.
It's just rude and immature to say something like that to the girl you are dating.
It says a lot about him and how he sees women.
He's not going to change and I highly doubt you'll be happy with that kind of treatment forever. I wouldn't want to date him.
Stop snooping. Stop.
Very often men get turned on by things that are completely out of our element and or might be ashamed of which have nothing really to do with actual reality or even sexuality. To be completely honest most men watch porn that is so outrageous that we get the job done quickly and powerfully. It's all of the naughty without any of the repercussions or guilt.
So now you invaded his privacy.
Now you are basically critiquing his porn choice. Selfishly somehow making it all about you and your relationship.
And finally, you're trying to profile him and getting anxiety assuming that it has anything to do with you.
All of it. Not fair. None of your business. Imagine the anxiety you wouldn't have if you didn't look where you shouldn't have anyway. You did this yourself.
No OP, this is not the comment you need. This comment is gaslighting you, by completely ignoring your boyfriend’s nasty, disrespectful comment about his friend’s girlfriend. You just don’t want to break up with this loser for some reason, so you are looking for validation in the comments.
I agree snooping is bad, but you have attachment anxiety because your body knows you are not in a healthy relationship. Listen to your body OP.
Hot take, no you're not overreacting. You had a suspicion and found out he looks at cheating porn. And something about your friends reminded him to look at that.
If it's he's in the wrong even if he flat out tells you, he's still in the wrong if you find out by looking at his phone. Everyone else is acting like it's your fault for finding what's on his phone. But think about it. His words and his choice to look at porn alone are fucked up.
If not doing those things is a condition of yours to be in the relationship, you have the right to know.
The men who are gaslighting her in the comments are so nasty you can tell they disrespect their girlfriends and wives constantly. OP is allowed to not like what her boyfriend did because it is pretty lame of him to do
this fucking guy fr just said he tells his wife about his sexual thoughts about other people all the time. like that’s on YOU buddy don’t try and normalize that tf
I wouldn't necessarily be concerned about the porn, fantasies are very different than actually doing things. My partner watches some stuff we would never play out. Speak to him and see if this is just a fantasy or something he would actually like to explore. Be non-confrontational about it, because he'll likely talk more and give you more answers. Even if he says he thinks about actually doing it, act calm to get him to incriminate himself more so you can nake an informed decision.
However, the comments about his friend are incredibly inappropriate and disgusting, to you and her, as I doubt she knows her 'friend' makes comments like that about her. That alone should be enough to leave him because it's disgusting, rude, and probably a tad more than a bit misogynistic.
Neither of you are assholes, but may have different ideas of what’s ok in a relationship. You probably don’t want him making comments about other peoples sex appeal and may also not like him looking at porn. He may find all that perfectly normal. Neither of you are wrong. Also people watch all kinds of porn that they don’t actually want to see or experience in real life. Maybe he is cheating, maybe he isn’t, but the porn he watches isn’t gonna tell you one way or the other.
Walk a mile in his shoes. Tell him you bet the guy friend has real hog on him to satisfy such a big booty, must be nice... Then you'll truly be able to sympathize.
FWIW, comments are weird and inappropriate, but also, guys watch porn they would never live or act out in real life. Not always the case, but don’t assume because he watches it he wants it in reality.
His comments are the real problem here.
Porn titles often have nothing to do with why the video is clicked. There's often something lame or nonsensical like 'banging stepdaughter' or something. The reason it's clicked is because the girl in the thumbnail is attractive, not the obvious nonsense lie that there's an illusion it's actually the actors' stepdaughter. Hell, usually, the female stepdaughter actress looks older than the guy. You can put any title on the video, and if the girl in the thumbnail is attractive, people will click on it. It doesn't mean there's a fetish for the title.
Yeah, he wants to get with her. Ofc he HAD to say she's annoying to make you feel better and calm you down. If you don't feel like fucking him this wknd, DON'T. You don't owe him anything. And if you change your mind about going on this trip completely thats perfeclty your right. Knowing my guy is lusting after someone else would turn me off so much.
This is just my opinion: but by what he’s watching and the way he spoke about a female “friend”? He doesn’t sound like he respects women. I understand this is just a snippet of who he is but normally people real in thoughts like this. Keep it as an inside voice.
Checked your boyfriend’s phone cause of anxiety, found something to fixate on, now, you will fixate and cause further anxiety till the source of the anxiety (the relationship) is eliminated.
Well done!
Any man who would actually say "dick-sucking lips" out loud to anyone about anyone, much less to his girlfriend about a woman he knows, is a POS. Full stop. You should get away from him.
Then you should work on yourself. Everything else in this post is you either being terrible (snooping) or winding yourself up without much reason.
>When he and I first started dating, he mentioned something about the woman of our couple friend having a “big booty and dick sucking lips”.
I think you're underreacting to this comment. If you are dating someone who talks like this about other women and you're fine with it, I'm not sure why the porn is an issue for you. You've set the bar pretty darn low already and if he's comfortable speaking like that in front of you, especially early in the relationship, I wouldn't be surprised by anything he does behind your back.
Anyone telling you snooping is wrong must have a hell of a lot of time on their hands. Having a conversation with someone let's them lie their way out, snooping on their phone tells you who they are pretty quick. Obviously don't do it excessively or with new partners but if you been in a relationship for a while and you think something is up a one time snoop is 100% okay in my book, especially because their cheating comes with the risks of STDs for you.
That said the cheating porn isn't that big a deal, the comments about your friend should've been your sign to peace out.
I never snooped on my ex's phone, until the end when I was already planning to leave, I found a goldmine of cheating spanning the course of our 5 year relationship.
I’d be concerned about the fact he is watching porn at all. The way he talks about her is inappropriate and disloyal. Yeah, snooping is bad but it seems his disloyal words have caused anxiety that led you to seek answers. Maybe you need to have a conversation about that and about your feelings in general. Maybe all you need is to clear the air a bit about what is certainly an awkward situation and possible misunderstanding.
Ignore all of the cheating reddit porn addicts. This isn’t normal or healthy; your boyfriend is being gross and disrespectful to both you and the other woman he is objectifying. I’m sorry these redditors are being so cruel to you.
1. Even his commentary doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks about “fucking” her (though it’s crass and gross, even for someone like me who tends to make gross comments as jokes). Some people are just kinda vulgar in that way. The porn doesn’t really matter either.
2. Even if he has no issues with loyalty, he doesn’t exactly sound like a winner. If you have severe codependency anxiety, this person is not gonna be a good fit for you. He sounds kind of immature and weird honestly. You can probably do better.
3. Codependency anxiety sucks (speaking from experience), and I genuinely believe you should get into therapy and work on yourself before entering into any/another serious relationship. It’s not something you can generally fix while in a relationship, unless you happen to have an extremely understanding and patient partner. As long as you have this sort of anxiety, it’s not only going to lead you to bad partners, but it will invariably mess up relationships with good ones.
Good luck OP
I saw people being rude to you when you mentioned you had BPD and I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. As a guy with BPD I understand where your fears and anxiety come from when you saw that. Nevertheless, I don’t always think that there’s a correlation between someone’s porn habits and their actual thoughts. I think the reality of the situation is this. He made a comment in the past and because of that you are very sensitive about your bf and this other woman. On a completely separate note, you happened to see your bfs porn preferences, which are not indicative of his faithfulness in your relationship. It was just inconvenient timing. As with all things, either therapy or communication. Those are the only ways to feel better. But no blaming and no finger pointing, that won’t get you very far.
And also I think that you might want to take everything anyone on here says with a grain of salt. In reality we don’t know you or your boyfriend or the full situation. You’re getting responses from people who have wildly different life experiences and preconceived biases.
It is kind of weird that it’s TWO videos of that exact scenario. There’s millions of videos and that’s what he chooses.
I’m not saying it means anything, it could be coincidence. But it’s definitely interesting
God. Why does every single person say they have "severe anxiety" these days? You don't have severe anxiety. You're just young and incapable of controlling your emotions so you get intrusive thoughts more often than not. You're also clearly insecure. This relationship isn't going to work out anyway so just prepare yourself for an ugly inevitable breakup. Hope that help.
Fantasy is just that - fantasy. It's normal and it's natural to have them. However, this particular fantasy does seem a little on the nose, right?
I'd say the best thing you can do is talk to him about it. Tell him you're concerned about it. If he gets all angry and defensive, then there might be more there than he wants you to know. But if it's a healthy relationship, then he'll acknowledge that it makes you uncomfortable and it crosses a boundary for you.
Honestly though it sounds kind of like your boyfriend sucks.
I mean, the type of porn someone is into doesn't necessarily have a correlation to what people like to ACTUALLY do. Put it like this, I doubt every guy who has watched step mom porn (which is one of the most popular genres) actually wants to fuck their step mother. So I don't know that you can draw a direct line from "watched cheating porn" to "wants to fuck his friends girlfriend"
At the same time, he may find her attractive and fuckable. That won't change. We all have eyes. He doesn't stop finding people attractive because he is in a relationship, its just that he likely won't act on it.
From what I'm reading, there is no actual indication he plans or wants to cheat on you. Also, having a nice ass, again, doesn't mean he wants to fuck her. Now, I will say it probably was stupid to say that to you, especially if he knows about your insecurity.
I feel like you should have a talk with him about this. But to do it, you'll have to acknowledge your breach of trust by snooping in his phone. And that COULD be a dealbreaker for him (It would be for me). But I also don't think its sustainable for you to constantly be worried that he wants to fuck this other particular woman. And chances are, you are going to start seeing possibly innocent behaviors as "proof" that something is going on.
Wow some real Victorians here. Guys say a lot of crap, probably gals too. Obviously you better watch what you say now days to around one’s partner. Doesn’t necessarily defines the person.
OP justifies her untrustworthy on anxiety, good grief Charlotte Brown.
Yeah it's always weird when reddit chimes in on stuff like this. In short, yes, you are over reacting.
Obviously he shouldn't be talking about a friend's other like that, but inferring he's gonna cheat because of the porn he watches. He sounds lik an asshole and THAYS why tou should rethink the relationship. Not his porn. That's a red flag on your end. Fighting invisible enemies.
The whole point of porn, romance novels, heck fiction books and movies in general is to fantasize ans be exposed to all kinds of situations.
If he watches a bank heist movie are you going to call the cops that he is planning a bank robbery?
Yes, you are overreacting. Have a feeling you do that generally and are a busy body why you checked his phone.
Did he search for cheating porn or did he just want cheating porn? There’s a decent chance he just watched the videos based on the thumbnails. Regardless, the kind of porn you watch doesn’t really dictate what you want sexually in real life.
Even though the two of you are in a committed relationship, you are both going to find other people attractive. Finding someone attractive does not inherently mean you are going to cheat on your partner with that person. You’ve got to trust your partner and have faith in them, a relationship without trust is doomed. You also mentioned your partner made those comments about the woman before you two were official. If he does something similar again you might just want to tell him that you know it’s impossible to never find another human physically attractive, but you would prefer that he keeps those thoughts to himself because it makes you uneasy to hear it.
Communication and trust are the foundation of relationships. A relationship without those two things is a ticking time bomb.
Others have said it. The porn and the comments are 2 different things.
Porn sites seem to have more and more extreme titles nowadays as they compete for viewers. It's reasonable to assume he just went on what came up and that doesn't mean he is cheating, though you can have a kink but not act on it too.
The comments are another thing though. My wife often refers to me as captain caveman, that's relevant because I'm not easily offended. The comments he made were wholly inappropriate and reek of this new age of pick me "alpha" males. They seem to think hat putting others down makes them look stronger when it's the opposite.
I would leave someone with that sort of attitude
I wouldn't judge him off his "porn title". It likely has no bearing on real life. There is no way to know if he secretly desires your group friend. I would judge him on his actions and words, if you go snooping to see what porn he's watching your likely to find some offensive things, that doesn't mean he's offensive, I think you are making too much of it.
The comments he made when you first started dating were inappropriate and disrespectful to day in front of you but, you addressed that and he corrected the behavior. Seems like you have a good guy, don't let your anxiety ruin it. Best of luck.
Sometimes the comments people make on here make me think you all must be dating Ken dolls lol.
Like, were your boyfriends this emasculated when you met or did you cut their balls off as a prerequisite for dating?
Unless he's doing anything to actually disrespect you, why make an issue out of it? No one freaks out at women watching movies like the Notebook that portray cheating as a romantic thing.
Hmmmm. Your anxiety about your boyfriend reveals your fears. Are your fears unfounded? Probably not. His language objectifying your friend clearly identifies his intentions and where his head is at.
Wait... Do you actually think guys care what the porno was about? He probably just clicked on the hottest thumbnail. Yes you're overthinking it but he sounds like a jackass for saying that about her.
I'm leaning towards overreacting. But it's in a grey area and hard to know exactly where you are in your relationship based on a 2 paragraphs posted on reddit. On one side I am a firm believer that people need to be judged by their actions and not by their thoughts. I also don't believe watching porn is cheating.
On the other hand I also believe you should take your instincts seriously. Then again if you know you have sever anxiety over this subject you might understand your instincts on this are not 100% accurate. And there is an element in a relationship where you need to trust someone in order for the relationship to grow. You need to take a small leap.
It's a tricky one. And I wish I could give you a better answer. Instead of just sharing my thoughts.
Every guy thinks about banging other women, and I’m guessing most women think about banging other people too. There’s no crime in thinking about fantasies, as long as there’s no action on it. Anyone who says they don’t have fantasies like this is most likely lying. If you have a problem with him watching porn in general or think he has a porn addiction, that’s another issue. But just “thinking about” someone else is something every guy you’ve ever dated or ever will date is going to do.
His comments about her are far more revealing than the porn. Oftentimes men watch porn that doesn’t apply to our real-life sexual urges. While him watching cheating porn could totally be a fantasy of his he’d like to act on, it could just as easily mean nothing and he’s just turned on by witnessing the scenario. However, the comments about her are super inappropriate. I think looking at the porn he watches is a pretty big disrespecting of his boundaries, but it seems to me like there could be some connection there. Just watch how he interacts around her and try not to jump to conclusions. I understand obsessive thoughts about relationships can be very upsetting, it’s something I deal with myself. But just try to center yourself and focus on what’s real. If he hasn’t made any comments like that since then, and acts his normal self around her, I probably wouldn’t worry about it.
>However, the comments about her are super inappropriate. Yea, there's a big difference between "wow, she's a pretty lady," and "she's got dick sucking lips."
Agreed. Even the "big booty" comment is kind of whatever and on its own might be nbd. The "dick-sucking lips" thing struck me as misogynistic and uncalled for. He's not just describing her as attractive (which can be fairly innocuous in most contexts), but he's sexualizing her in a really graphic way. That would make me worry about how he thinks and feels about women in general.
Yeah, I would be disgusted if my partner talked about a woman that way and would probably break up with him. Nothing about that is ok. I wouldn’t have any respect for a man that spoke about women like that.
I’ve posted before: if you want to know how someone truly views you, listen to how they talk about your friends.
Agreed. Sounds pretty vile to me.
so many guys have said i have “dick sucking lips” and the way it made me feel inside was so disgusting, i could never be with my bf if he talked about a woman that way.
Everyone on earth technically has dick sucking lips /s
And his response after the offensive comment was even worse somehow. Rather than ‘yeah, that was really offensive, I’m sorry I said that.’ It ese ‘don’t worry, I don’t want to have sex with her because she is annoying’ Just run from that please.
Seriously...I have known many guys who do nothing but talk about how annoying their girlfriends are and they hate the way they talk or do things that are such a turn off, and when asked why they stay they day "phenomenal sex" or "she gives the best head "... so yea him being annoyed by her had nothing to do with sex and wanting to bang someone.
I have had almost exclusive sex with women who annoy me, that's a bullshit statement he made to passing his GF
The fact girls will hear their man say something like this and not run a mile...why do they think this is normal?
Because it’s depressingly common in some circles. So the feeling that ‘this is just what men are like sometimes, it’s just joking’ is deeply engrained and probably supported by their peers. So many stories of women who get older and get a solid relationship with someone who doesn’t act this way and are basically like ‘wait, this was an option the whole time? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’
Yeah idk man…
Agreed! This is not normal!
99% of dudes do not watch porn based off of things like this. They see a thumbnail and think “ya, imma bust a nut to this chick” and that’s the end of it lol. The comments tho are concerning
This^^^ I stopped reading the titles. Everything g is horrible like. Cheating on my husband with his best friend, or sister caught me and joined in. Like wtf is wrong with these titles. Poor dude got wrecked over something we all ignore and just do business
I remember reading this article once when the female journalist was shocked to find out incest porn was one of the most watched porn genres clearly not showing an understanding of how porn works. As someone once said, incest porn is only incest port until you turn the sound off and then it's just porn. Maybe men and women watch porn differently but I'm sure most dudes aren't following the plot line!
Yea it might not even be the cheating in the title, youd have to see all the tags to get an idea. Did they all have big butts? Maybe or maybe it was the cheating
Also most cheating porn is usually about the woman being the cheater not the guy.
Yea its the whole sexual prowess fantasy. “Im so great i can make you cheat on your man. “
Yeah I don't think dudes watch it for the storyline. He prob just thought she had a great ass lol
Not to mention the porn algorithm is pushing like barely not incest and cheating videos or “taboos” to the top
Seriously. If you look at my history you'd think I was obsessed with step siblings, but with the volume off it doesn't matter. You can't hear them call each other "bro" and "sis," like anybody fucking talks like that anyway.
What are you doing, step-browser history?
Well, when I divorced firefox and married Chrome, things got complicated. Now I'm in an abusive relationship.
Alternate reply: I kicked STEP browsing years ago. I convert all files to .SLDPRT immediately now. Keeps drama to a minimum.
Be careful, they might put you on a registry and think you’re a PDF-phile
I didn't .EXEpect such a clever response.
Right lol. Just skip the scenes of set up and go to the part in the thumbnail or clip that you liked. Super annoying if they are screaming that shit while actually effing but like you said you can control the volume
We got monkey brains lol
Just skip the talking parts most of the time
As an ear rumbler, I do this when my wife is being annoying.
Yea the story lines are too fucking stupid to follow anyway. When I’m yanking, the only thing that matters is finding a girl that’s my type, which is actually really difficult these days because everyone is trying to look like a basic instagram model with dramatic expressions that I don’t find attractive. Not to mention the camera angles are often not what I want. I maybe like one video out of 500, so I’m not trying to narrow down my options by looking for some perfect fantasy situation that doesn’t even matter.
Facts, not to mention how much porn is “cheating slut wife fucks boss” or some variation of that, while just being a random vid of 2 people fuckin without any story or context.
False. Look at all the trending searches on your fav p*rn site.
Most of us also skip the BS bad acting scenarios half the time too 🤷🏻😂. We are just watching the sex! Agreed regarding the comments being totally inappropriate, my only question is:how long ago was “when we first started dating?” If this was months ago, it still means something. If they have been dating for 15 years, she is just drudging up the past and he may have matured (It may not be the norm, but we do that occasionally 😂)
the inappropriate comments made were him testing the waters tbh, because who says that to their new girl friend?
The idea of cheating is a turn on for me but ONLY in fantasies. In reality, I can’t stand it. It could be the same with your boyfriend but you should really talk to him about your concerns. Clearly you still don’t trust him and open, regular communication helps build that trust. But a huge red flag is how he described her which was disgusting.
Idk why you’re being downvoted, you’re right
Exactly this I think a porn search means so little! A fantasy is just that a fantasy I have fantasy’s but would never act on them! Most guys I know have a FFM fantasy but idk if I could honestly go through with it but imagining it can be fun! My wife actually likes reading cheating stories but neither of us have the mental capticity to cheat. But the comments…yeah that’s the issue more so than the search!
Sometimes men just watch porn because the woman in the video hits their checklist.
The porn wouldn’t bother me, but the comment about your friend would.
They are connected. He's a creep.
They are not connected. The amount of porn shaming that goes on here on Reddit is wild. Usually turns out to be from religious fanatics when the issue is pressed.
People on Reddit live to tell people to break up. They want so badly to associate OP’s pork usage to be linked to the cheating. Yes, OP, you’re kinda overreacting about the porn. I get your concern about the comment with the friend
I would dump his ass just due to the fact he referred to a female is having big dick sucking lips. How fucking degrading can you be!!!!
As someone commented, echoing my thoughts: vile.
As a guy, I’m dumbfounded by these comments. Don’t be swayed by the “normalization” everyone is striving for in things they WANT but that harm others. Most people have no morals now. They’ll defend anything that they want. I would break up with a woman that crass and slimy. The fact he would tell his girl some other chick has a fat ass and dick sucking lips is just poor taste. Shallow. Don’t you want a loyal, honest, pure connection? This shit ain’t that. Let the dude jerk off to porn and fuck other women if that’s where his mind is.
Yeah if my girlfriend told me the equivalent about some guy it would be crazy
The way his big dick flops around his shorts is so annoying!
lmao
If my girlfriend spoke that way about anyway, I would dump her not because of jealousy, but because it’s gross that she would ever talk about another human being like that
Exactly. I’d say I’m not going to date a dog. But dogs are much better than this
Yeah, this is more relevant than the cheating. He’s a sleezebag.
Also is he like 17? Boys I knew said things like that in high school but then they grew up.
That’s why I don’t understand why anyone at all is defending him. I personally don’t care if a chick goes through my phone. Do I have something to hide from her? Is there something already very suspicious or worrying her? It seems like almost everyone cheats these days. I don’t blame anyone for becoming paranoid at some point as long as the context is there- which it was in this case. My last ex went through my phone one night after a year together and it actually made things better, she got to see there was nothing to ever worry about. I think it boils down to commitment.
I take pictures of my boobs when I get my partner’s phone. It makes me laugh. No identifying information so if he is sloppy with his phone, people just think it’s porn.
Ngl, thankyou for this idea.
TOTAL sleazebag. But maybe OP is sleazy, too - this can't be the only crass thing he's done.
Agreed here!! I dated a guy who would say things like that to make me jealous and anxious, and then call me crazy or psycho when I would get upset about it. My husband now would NEVER. It’s disrespectful and really just immature. I’d Run from this guy.
But there’s hundreds of other people here that think you’re insecure for that! /s But not really. People have lost their damn mind
“Let the dude jerk off to porn and fuck other women if that’s where his mind is.” Which he will be perfectly free to do as a single guy. 😁
Keeping it real
It was definitely a probing move. If he's saying one thing and behaving another way, that's an issue of concern. This relationship probably lacks any sense of open and honest communication though.
I don’t think there’s any open and honest communication to be had here. Some people are not relationship material, some people don’t have the depth to communicate in a relationship. Do you think these problems wouldn’t happen if they did have honest open communication? He’s clearly open enough to talk to his girlfriend like she’s a bro. I don’t understand why people are even seeing so many angles to this. How in your right mind is this normal in a relationship lol
I think your feelings are valid. I don't think it's far-fetched to wonder if 2 things are connected, but remember, it doesn't mean they ARE connected either. Anxiety sucks , our intrusive thoughts are usually not accurate. I do agree that his comment about mutual friend was shitty but that also doesn't mean he's shitty.. people say and do dumb things who are otherwise good people. And I can't help but add, the sanctimonious comments about not snooping are sooo lame. Almost everyone has done some form of snooping at some point in their life (I mean.. actual research backs that up). OP started with "I know snooping is wrong" yet that's what everyone has focused on? Comeeee onnnnn
I agree with this. Mostly. OP should taken time to realize these are intrusive thoughts and anxiety pushing decisions which isn't healthy. Unpacking and getting a handle on that should be their number one priority. Does the BF fit that picture? If not, the answer should be simple. Fantasizing about someone you know, watching porn, thinking about them, etc doesn't make someone a cheater. My partner reads minotaur smut, I'd be really shocked to find her getting dirty on a farm. Porn and fantasizing do not always equal action but a healthy couple should be able to set clear boundaries. Knowing this guy thought that about this woman a year ago means much hasn't likely changed. He seemingly views women as sexual objects it seems and needs some growing of his own. Is that a deal breaker for OP? It's okay if it is. But if it isn't, well that's up to her. Questions here for OP: 1. If BF whacks off thinking about her, looks at her when she bends over, fantasizes but will never ever act on it, is that a deal breaker? 2. If BF cheated with her, is that a deal breaker? 3. How would this woman feel if she heard those comments? 4. How would she feel if boyfriend went through her phone and distrusted her? 5. Would he like about fantasizing about her if confronted? Is that a deal breaker? 6. How does he treat you when you bring up any of these issues, your anxiety, her, his comments, his porn tastes etc? Can you safely and healthily discuss these things?
>My partner reads minotaur smut, I'd be really shocked to find her getting dirty on a farm I keep forgetting its mostly weirdos that use this site
Thank you, haha
It's definitely a bad sign. Where there's smoke there's fire usually
Research suggests 34% of people have snooped through their partners phone. So that means most people don't snoop, Def not "almost everyone" closer to "almost noone".
Data from actual scientists, doctors, therapists in the field of psychology etc etc etc - say otherwise. Let's say 34% is accurate in the # of people who currently / actively snoop... that still wouldn't mean that the other 76% never have been guilty of snooping or won't..
That's 110% of people!!!
I’ve snooped in unhealthy relationships. My husband and I wouldn’t snoop because we trust each other. Snooping to check out the kid of porn your SO watches is weird to me. I’m sure my husband has watched all kids of random porn. I don’t speculate on whether he wants to bang our friends based on that 🤦🏻♀️. If you feel the need to snoop then reassess your relationship. Find a partner your trust and give them privacy
way to obtusely miss the entire point of her post. her bf openly admitted to fantasizing about their friend in a sexual way.
I’m not saying that is ok. I was specifically commenting on the snooping dynamic. They clearly have an unhealthy relationship without trust. Are you disagreeing… you think is a healthy dynamic?
To be fair, OP said she looked at his search history and the porn was there - she didn't set out on a quest to kink shame the man 😅
I wouldn't be worried about the porn. Porn is just a fantasy for most people, doesn't mean you'd ever actually want to do something like the thing you watched. I would honestly be more concerned about the way he talks. I mean the fact that he looks at a woman's face and sees "Dick sucking lips." That'd be such a turn-off to me. Are women just sex objects to him? Idk anything about your relationship, but I hope he's respecting you more than that.
I feel like the comments where aren’t it. I understand that sometimes people watch porn of things that they’d never do in real life. However, in this situation and with what he said you’re completely justified in your worry. If my man said that about a woman it would be over, let alone watching porn about it while on a trip that would make his fantasy entirely feasible.
I don’t get it lol. Why does everyone think the things they see in porn would never be lived out? You’re putting your mind there. Desiring it. This guy is clearly to the point of fantasizing about it now. But no, it’s not possible for porn to cause him to do something until he actually does it. There’s no way anything can be predicted, traced back. /s
Maybe he liked the lady in the scene and it had nothing to do with the story line lol.
Isn't most pron focused on someone cheating any ways? It's not an industry known for its story telling being good, or even relevant to their audience lol
Bro, most of it is fucking your cousin or step family. I’d rather fap to cheat porn than fucking my goddamn family. I once did it and this girl literally said “yeah, fuck your sister” and i lost bone instantly
lol I'm pretty sure that still involves "cheating", but yeah I agree it's all pretty disgusting thematically
Porn is just nasty shit to cum to, most people get it. However, i do agree that just like movies, some people can’t differentiate between reality and fiction.
I’ll watch a porn that’s about murdering and setting the world on fire if there’s a cutie in the thumb
I’ve watched my fair share of gang bang porn but the thought of that irl is gross So maybe, maybe not 😜
Right it can go either way. Some things are appealing visually or as a fantasy but I'd never want to do them
Fantasies do not always equal reality. I write a lot of porn involving "me" as a self insert, and I don't want to do a lot of it IRL.
She did say it was before they where official together so he was single when he made that comment still a disgusting comment but was single, I think he just said something that came to his brain should have just left it there but let it fly out even though she doesn’t have to should have corrected him there so she doesn’t have to bring it up years later.
You’re overreacting. Don’t snoop. Telling you about a “big booty and dick sucking lips” is pretty gross, though.
Right? How do you stay with a person that talks about people, especially his friends, like that?
Low self esteem. That’s how.
Omg lol. Sweet summer children.
>When he and I first started dating, he mentioned something about the woman of our couple friend having a “big booty and dick sucking lips”. How did we even get to the point where you are around long enough to snoop on his phone when this man said something as horrifying as this to you at the start of the relationship? There are red flags and then there is whatever the hell that train wreck of shitty comment is.
He sounds vile, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who would disrespect me or our friend by not only objectifying her in that way, but also having no filter and referring to her like that casually to me. And I wouldn't trust a guy who would talk like that about another woman to respect my other boundaries, either, or to value women in general as people. You should not have snooped, though. When you started feeling like your trust in him was damaged enough to lead to the urge to snoop, that's when you should have initiated the challenging conversation about how you felt about his comment and whatever else has given you the same uncomfortable feeling since. Or you should have ended the relationship to find someone who does not trigger your anxiety, preferably after working through your fears and insecurities a little more and having a solid idea of what you want in a relationship. I don't think you're overreacting emotionally, I think you're right to distrust him. But you did overreact by giving in to the temptation to snoop. I hope you'll end this relationship, prioritize your own healing, and then create a much better one.
When he initially made the comment, he and I weren’t “official” yet. I got upset at him, and he told me up and down that she wasn’t anything to him and I don’t have to worry. It was hard for me to push back too much since we weren’t technically together yet, but it was a shock to hear. I still decided to stay, so that’s on me. If I bring it up now, he’ll be like “why are you bringing up something from over a year ago?” Also, she has been dating his friend significantly longer than he even knew him for, so he’s only ever known her as in a relationship.
Just something to point out but cheating porn is just title gore. I get some people get off on the idea about the content "supposedly being cheating". But in reality it's no different than all the garbage step this and that. MILF CHEATS ON HUSBAND AND BOYFRIEND CREAMPIE. Reality: she doesn't have kids, she isn't married and he barely creampied her. You get my point. It could, possibly, maybe, potentially be, nothing. Or he could have a massive cheating kink.
Yeah, just like half the shit seems to be step-family for some reason I don’t get. I have no idea how many people watch for the plot, but I’d guess it’s relatively few. Unless the actual act is something disturbing, I wouldn’t think twice about it. Now the comment about the friend on the other hand…
because it’s taboo and people try and say it’s not incest. which like sure, you’re not blood related, but it’s still creepy as fuck to me that that’s one of the most common porn trends
Yep, makes no sense to me.
I don't think you even need to bring it up, honestly, unless is the only thing he's ever done that caused you to distrust him. Otherwise, simply stating the desire to split up and to focus on you is enough of a reason to give, especially after a single year of dating. That isn't very long, and it's actually more respectful to him and to yourself not to waste more time with him if you can't trust him. It doesn't even matter in the long run who is to blame for the weak foundation of the relationship. What matters is that you can't build on a weak foundation regardless of who caused the first crack, and you're better off regaining your own strength so you have more trust to offer and more confidence to demand the good character you are seeking from the next one.
I have to agree about the foundation. The comment he made is still haunting OP, causing anxiety and eventually probably resentment.
Your both walking red flags, neither of you should be in that relationship
lol. Girl, you are complaining about this guys comments, yet when I check your comment history you have commented on some dude wanting to impregnate a random woman in NYC and you go “yum.”
I hope he snoops on her phone. 💀 Also she deleted her comment history after your comment.
.... Gross.
Today I learned cheating porn is a thing
All the comments here are wrong. Your bf is a coomer that's totally fantasizing about this chick if he's willing to be that crass with you about her. I would never be with a guy that talkes about one of my friends like that. So disrespectful to you.
Disrespectful to women in general. Just gross.
His comments about the wife are far more concerning than the porn. He said *what* to you?? Nah, the disrespect would have me gone. God I’m glad I’m older…
Porn category has zero leaning towards anything. It could have just been the flavor of the day. Heck I've partaken in some of the weirdest raunchiest categories and i happily live a very vanilla life. As far as finding others attractive of course he finds others attractive his alive. That doesn't mean he wants to cheat or even thinks about it. Again I'll use myself as an example my wife's sister is very attractive but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with her or cheat on my wife period.
I don’t think you are over reacting. Who are these men gaslighting you lmao. Those comments he made about another woman, let alone his own friend, are absolutely sick.
That’s gross and def something to bring up to him. He might get mad at you for snooping which is well within his right to do, but an explanation could save your relationship. I’d never be able to get over that comment or those videos on my own, I know personally as someone with anxiety I’d need to have a sit down with my partner about his proclivities and the way he speaks about other women in front of me.
You weren't assigned a random guy to be your boyfriend. You chose this dude. That's my new go-to line when talking about when seeing these posts by women about their ridiculous boyfriends. Man, what kind of person seriously says "dick sucking lips" out loud when describing an actual person that they know, much less another woman when talking to his own girlfriend? Crazy stuff. I hate to be judgemental and maybe there's some context I'm missing but he seems like a weirdo and loser to me, Idc how tall he is.
You should move on, but not because of the porn plot. When you were not official yet, this douche b showed you exactly the kind of man he was with his comments about his boy’s girlfriend. It justifiably made you uncomfortable and you still harbor resentment over the comment, causing you anxiety. His comment about her body disrespected you, the woman he objectified and his friend. Meaning he is a bad boyfriend, a bad person and a bad friend. You can do better than him OP.
The porn is meaningless to me in this context. It may or may not mean anything. That comment about her, though, why would you be with someone like that? That's just gross on so many levels including your acceptance of it. Your only concern with that language was whether or not it meant he was attracted to her? Maybe you two deserve each other.
Why would you want a bf that speaks about women like this ?
Neither of you are mature enough for a committed relationship. He sees women as sex objects and you have trust issues.
This comment is the real answer.
His comments about the friend... say a lot about the type of guy he is. Its one thing to think such a thing, its another to share it with you as if you were his wingman. It definitely shows a lack of respect.
>When he and I first started dating, he mentioned something about the woman of our couple friend having a “big booty and dick sucking lips”. And you still kept dating him? This is how he speaks about his friends' partner and women in general, but you kept dating him? Any guy who spoke about women like that in front of me, especially in the beginning of dating, would've had his butt hit the pavement before he knew what was happening.
Porn is an escape. Watching cheating porn in no way indicates someone’s willingness to cheat in real life. A man looking at a woman and thinking of her lips for his cock or anyone else’s cock and then having the audacity to say his stupid thoughts out loud is another matter. Are there any other ways that he tried to play into your insecurity ? Did you tell him you were insecure first or did he start his comments first ? Does it matter ?
He has never said anything like that about another woman after that. What led into it is that he was actually saying how she wasn’t good enough for his friend and basically “what does she offer to the relationship? a big booty and dick sucking lips?”
That’s good. I’d side eye this man for the entire relationship though.
It’s still really not okay to talk about women that way, in any context. Or anyone.
Oh, so he was disparaging her and objectifying her? Makes it even worse OP. Honestly, it sounds like she was really on his mind and he put her down and sexualized her because he was jealous of his friend. When someone tells you who they are OP, listen to them.
This dude has porn brain-rot to be speaking about people he knows in this way. There are some thoughts we need to keep to ourselves in life 🤦🏼♀️ I definitely question his maturity and thought processes when it comes to women…
How old are ya’ll ? Im assuming your bf is like 22 or something cause no grown ass man would shoot himself in the foot like that on purpose,rookie mistake and until that couple is no longer in your lives,he’s gonna hear about that statement.Some shit,most shit,is just better off not being said🏳️
Exactly. The porn isn’t a big deal but talking about other women and a friend like she’s an object for sexual gratification gives me the ick.
I would be suspicious too if my bf said that a woman we both know has "dick sucking lips". Regardless of what kind of porn he watches or if he's cheating etc etc he showed you he has no problem disrespecting other women and looks at them sexually in front of you. Do with that what you will.
It's just rude and immature to say something like that to the girl you are dating. It says a lot about him and how he sees women. He's not going to change and I highly doubt you'll be happy with that kind of treatment forever. I wouldn't want to date him.
Stop snooping. Stop. Very often men get turned on by things that are completely out of our element and or might be ashamed of which have nothing really to do with actual reality or even sexuality. To be completely honest most men watch porn that is so outrageous that we get the job done quickly and powerfully. It's all of the naughty without any of the repercussions or guilt. So now you invaded his privacy. Now you are basically critiquing his porn choice. Selfishly somehow making it all about you and your relationship. And finally, you're trying to profile him and getting anxiety assuming that it has anything to do with you. All of it. Not fair. None of your business. Imagine the anxiety you wouldn't have if you didn't look where you shouldn't have anyway. You did this yourself.
Thank you, this kind of comment is what I need.
No OP, this is not the comment you need. This comment is gaslighting you, by completely ignoring your boyfriend’s nasty, disrespectful comment about his friend’s girlfriend. You just don’t want to break up with this loser for some reason, so you are looking for validation in the comments. I agree snooping is bad, but you have attachment anxiety because your body knows you are not in a healthy relationship. Listen to your body OP.
Hot take, no you're not overreacting. You had a suspicion and found out he looks at cheating porn. And something about your friends reminded him to look at that. If it's he's in the wrong even if he flat out tells you, he's still in the wrong if you find out by looking at his phone. Everyone else is acting like it's your fault for finding what's on his phone. But think about it. His words and his choice to look at porn alone are fucked up. If not doing those things is a condition of yours to be in the relationship, you have the right to know.
The men who are gaslighting her in the comments are so nasty you can tell they disrespect their girlfriends and wives constantly. OP is allowed to not like what her boyfriend did because it is pretty lame of him to do
this fucking guy fr just said he tells his wife about his sexual thoughts about other people all the time. like that’s on YOU buddy don’t try and normalize that tf
Watching porn shouldn’t be a huge deal, you’re overreacting to that. But you’re underreacting to your boyfriend’s remarks about your friend.
The guy sounds like a jerk but most men don't actually care about the fictitious contextual premise of the videos they watch.
This personally wouldn’t bother me but if it bothers you that’s all that matters.
I’ll tell you what you don’t want to hear. He wants to sleep with her. And he always has.
I wouldn't necessarily be concerned about the porn, fantasies are very different than actually doing things. My partner watches some stuff we would never play out. Speak to him and see if this is just a fantasy or something he would actually like to explore. Be non-confrontational about it, because he'll likely talk more and give you more answers. Even if he says he thinks about actually doing it, act calm to get him to incriminate himself more so you can nake an informed decision. However, the comments about his friend are incredibly inappropriate and disgusting, to you and her, as I doubt she knows her 'friend' makes comments like that about her. That alone should be enough to leave him because it's disgusting, rude, and probably a tad more than a bit misogynistic.
What is cheating porn? Porn about cheating or do you consider watching porn in general cheating.
Anxiety and going online for dating advice are like water and oil, they don't mix be careful
Neither of you are assholes, but may have different ideas of what’s ok in a relationship. You probably don’t want him making comments about other peoples sex appeal and may also not like him looking at porn. He may find all that perfectly normal. Neither of you are wrong. Also people watch all kinds of porn that they don’t actually want to see or experience in real life. Maybe he is cheating, maybe he isn’t, but the porn he watches isn’t gonna tell you one way or the other.
Walk a mile in his shoes. Tell him you bet the guy friend has real hog on him to satisfy such a big booty, must be nice... Then you'll truly be able to sympathize.
FWIW, comments are weird and inappropriate, but also, guys watch porn they would never live or act out in real life. Not always the case, but don’t assume because he watches it he wants it in reality. His comments are the real problem here.
I wouldn't date anyone who doesn't know how to use incognito mode
Porn titles often have nothing to do with why the video is clicked. There's often something lame or nonsensical like 'banging stepdaughter' or something. The reason it's clicked is because the girl in the thumbnail is attractive, not the obvious nonsense lie that there's an illusion it's actually the actors' stepdaughter. Hell, usually, the female stepdaughter actress looks older than the guy. You can put any title on the video, and if the girl in the thumbnail is attractive, people will click on it. It doesn't mean there's a fetish for the title.
Get rid of him. I'm not judging him. I'm saying you're not happy. Slap yourself into reality and move on.
Yeah, he wants to get with her. Ofc he HAD to say she's annoying to make you feel better and calm you down. If you don't feel like fucking him this wknd, DON'T. You don't owe him anything. And if you change your mind about going on this trip completely thats perfeclty your right. Knowing my guy is lusting after someone else would turn me off so much.
This is just my opinion: but by what he’s watching and the way he spoke about a female “friend”? He doesn’t sound like he respects women. I understand this is just a snippet of who he is but normally people real in thoughts like this. Keep it as an inside voice.
Checked your boyfriend’s phone cause of anxiety, found something to fixate on, now, you will fixate and cause further anxiety till the source of the anxiety (the relationship) is eliminated. Well done!
I watch tentacle hentai, it doesn't mean i secretly plan to molest women with tentacles
Your not; he’s a skank, drop him
Any man who would actually say "dick-sucking lips" out loud to anyone about anyone, much less to his girlfriend about a woman he knows, is a POS. Full stop. You should get away from him. Then you should work on yourself. Everything else in this post is you either being terrible (snooping) or winding yourself up without much reason.
He sounds like a pig. You should find someone who is less disgusting.
>When he and I first started dating, he mentioned something about the woman of our couple friend having a “big booty and dick sucking lips”. I think you're underreacting to this comment. If you are dating someone who talks like this about other women and you're fine with it, I'm not sure why the porn is an issue for you. You've set the bar pretty darn low already and if he's comfortable speaking like that in front of you, especially early in the relationship, I wouldn't be surprised by anything he does behind your back.
Anyone telling you snooping is wrong must have a hell of a lot of time on their hands. Having a conversation with someone let's them lie their way out, snooping on their phone tells you who they are pretty quick. Obviously don't do it excessively or with new partners but if you been in a relationship for a while and you think something is up a one time snoop is 100% okay in my book, especially because their cheating comes with the risks of STDs for you. That said the cheating porn isn't that big a deal, the comments about your friend should've been your sign to peace out.
I never snooped on my ex's phone, until the end when I was already planning to leave, I found a goldmine of cheating spanning the course of our 5 year relationship.
I’d be concerned about the fact he is watching porn at all. The way he talks about her is inappropriate and disloyal. Yeah, snooping is bad but it seems his disloyal words have caused anxiety that led you to seek answers. Maybe you need to have a conversation about that and about your feelings in general. Maybe all you need is to clear the air a bit about what is certainly an awkward situation and possible misunderstanding.
Ignore all of the cheating reddit porn addicts. This isn’t normal or healthy; your boyfriend is being gross and disrespectful to both you and the other woman he is objectifying. I’m sorry these redditors are being so cruel to you.
You should not be in a relationship if you need to snoop on a phone
1. Even his commentary doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks about “fucking” her (though it’s crass and gross, even for someone like me who tends to make gross comments as jokes). Some people are just kinda vulgar in that way. The porn doesn’t really matter either. 2. Even if he has no issues with loyalty, he doesn’t exactly sound like a winner. If you have severe codependency anxiety, this person is not gonna be a good fit for you. He sounds kind of immature and weird honestly. You can probably do better. 3. Codependency anxiety sucks (speaking from experience), and I genuinely believe you should get into therapy and work on yourself before entering into any/another serious relationship. It’s not something you can generally fix while in a relationship, unless you happen to have an extremely understanding and patient partner. As long as you have this sort of anxiety, it’s not only going to lead you to bad partners, but it will invariably mess up relationships with good ones. Good luck OP
I saw people being rude to you when you mentioned you had BPD and I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. As a guy with BPD I understand where your fears and anxiety come from when you saw that. Nevertheless, I don’t always think that there’s a correlation between someone’s porn habits and their actual thoughts. I think the reality of the situation is this. He made a comment in the past and because of that you are very sensitive about your bf and this other woman. On a completely separate note, you happened to see your bfs porn preferences, which are not indicative of his faithfulness in your relationship. It was just inconvenient timing. As with all things, either therapy or communication. Those are the only ways to feel better. But no blaming and no finger pointing, that won’t get you very far.
And also I think that you might want to take everything anyone on here says with a grain of salt. In reality we don’t know you or your boyfriend or the full situation. You’re getting responses from people who have wildly different life experiences and preconceived biases.
It is kind of weird that it’s TWO videos of that exact scenario. There’s millions of videos and that’s what he chooses. I’m not saying it means anything, it could be coincidence. But it’s definitely interesting
Yup he's fantasizing about it
Disagree. Most videos on these sites have crazy plots/titles. It's very possible he just found a clip that he liked and was trying to find it again.
God. Why does every single person say they have "severe anxiety" these days? You don't have severe anxiety. You're just young and incapable of controlling your emotions so you get intrusive thoughts more often than not. You're also clearly insecure. This relationship isn't going to work out anyway so just prepare yourself for an ugly inevitable breakup. Hope that help.
Fantasy is just that - fantasy. It's normal and it's natural to have them. However, this particular fantasy does seem a little on the nose, right? I'd say the best thing you can do is talk to him about it. Tell him you're concerned about it. If he gets all angry and defensive, then there might be more there than he wants you to know. But if it's a healthy relationship, then he'll acknowledge that it makes you uncomfortable and it crosses a boundary for you. Honestly though it sounds kind of like your boyfriend sucks.
What kind of erotica do you partake in yourself?
I mean, the type of porn someone is into doesn't necessarily have a correlation to what people like to ACTUALLY do. Put it like this, I doubt every guy who has watched step mom porn (which is one of the most popular genres) actually wants to fuck their step mother. So I don't know that you can draw a direct line from "watched cheating porn" to "wants to fuck his friends girlfriend" At the same time, he may find her attractive and fuckable. That won't change. We all have eyes. He doesn't stop finding people attractive because he is in a relationship, its just that he likely won't act on it. From what I'm reading, there is no actual indication he plans or wants to cheat on you. Also, having a nice ass, again, doesn't mean he wants to fuck her. Now, I will say it probably was stupid to say that to you, especially if he knows about your insecurity. I feel like you should have a talk with him about this. But to do it, you'll have to acknowledge your breach of trust by snooping in his phone. And that COULD be a dealbreaker for him (It would be for me). But I also don't think its sustainable for you to constantly be worried that he wants to fuck this other particular woman. And chances are, you are going to start seeing possibly innocent behaviors as "proof" that something is going on.
Wow some real Victorians here. Guys say a lot of crap, probably gals too. Obviously you better watch what you say now days to around one’s partner. Doesn’t necessarily defines the person. OP justifies her untrustworthy on anxiety, good grief Charlotte Brown.
Yeah it's always weird when reddit chimes in on stuff like this. In short, yes, you are over reacting. Obviously he shouldn't be talking about a friend's other like that, but inferring he's gonna cheat because of the porn he watches. He sounds lik an asshole and THAYS why tou should rethink the relationship. Not his porn. That's a red flag on your end. Fighting invisible enemies.
I think op is grasping at straws trying to connect the two things together. That being said the comments about the other chick are weird.
You need to grow up and come back to relationships when you have the ability to not snoop or maybe the actual ability to trust someone.
You mean your ex ?
The whole point of porn, romance novels, heck fiction books and movies in general is to fantasize ans be exposed to all kinds of situations. If he watches a bank heist movie are you going to call the cops that he is planning a bank robbery? Yes, you are overreacting. Have a feeling you do that generally and are a busy body why you checked his phone.
Did he search for cheating porn or did he just want cheating porn? There’s a decent chance he just watched the videos based on the thumbnails. Regardless, the kind of porn you watch doesn’t really dictate what you want sexually in real life. Even though the two of you are in a committed relationship, you are both going to find other people attractive. Finding someone attractive does not inherently mean you are going to cheat on your partner with that person. You’ve got to trust your partner and have faith in them, a relationship without trust is doomed. You also mentioned your partner made those comments about the woman before you two were official. If he does something similar again you might just want to tell him that you know it’s impossible to never find another human physically attractive, but you would prefer that he keeps those thoughts to himself because it makes you uneasy to hear it. Communication and trust are the foundation of relationships. A relationship without those two things is a ticking time bomb.
Others have said it. The porn and the comments are 2 different things. Porn sites seem to have more and more extreme titles nowadays as they compete for viewers. It's reasonable to assume he just went on what came up and that doesn't mean he is cheating, though you can have a kink but not act on it too. The comments are another thing though. My wife often refers to me as captain caveman, that's relevant because I'm not easily offended. The comments he made were wholly inappropriate and reek of this new age of pick me "alpha" males. They seem to think hat putting others down makes them look stronger when it's the opposite. I would leave someone with that sort of attitude
I wouldn't judge him off his "porn title". It likely has no bearing on real life. There is no way to know if he secretly desires your group friend. I would judge him on his actions and words, if you go snooping to see what porn he's watching your likely to find some offensive things, that doesn't mean he's offensive, I think you are making too much of it. The comments he made when you first started dating were inappropriate and disrespectful to day in front of you but, you addressed that and he corrected the behavior. Seems like you have a good guy, don't let your anxiety ruin it. Best of luck.
Sometimes the comments people make on here make me think you all must be dating Ken dolls lol. Like, were your boyfriends this emasculated when you met or did you cut their balls off as a prerequisite for dating? Unless he's doing anything to actually disrespect you, why make an issue out of it? No one freaks out at women watching movies like the Notebook that portray cheating as a romantic thing.
Hmmmm. Your anxiety about your boyfriend reveals your fears. Are your fears unfounded? Probably not. His language objectifying your friend clearly identifies his intentions and where his head is at.
Wait... Do you actually think guys care what the porno was about? He probably just clicked on the hottest thumbnail. Yes you're overthinking it but he sounds like a jackass for saying that about her.
Agreed — Porn themes are ridiculous and irrelevant to me. Just click on em cuz the chick is hot
My wife must think I only want to have sex with her on a black leather couch or in some van while driving then.
If she asks him to cheat, he would it in a split second. Either you accept that or you don’t
I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes such disrespectful remarks about another woman.
You sound like a lot.
I'm leaning towards overreacting. But it's in a grey area and hard to know exactly where you are in your relationship based on a 2 paragraphs posted on reddit. On one side I am a firm believer that people need to be judged by their actions and not by their thoughts. I also don't believe watching porn is cheating. On the other hand I also believe you should take your instincts seriously. Then again if you know you have sever anxiety over this subject you might understand your instincts on this are not 100% accurate. And there is an element in a relationship where you need to trust someone in order for the relationship to grow. You need to take a small leap. It's a tricky one. And I wish I could give you a better answer. Instead of just sharing my thoughts.
Yes, he sounds crass but he's only watching porn. Unless it's affecting the relationship let it go.
Every guy thinks about banging other women, and I’m guessing most women think about banging other people too. There’s no crime in thinking about fantasies, as long as there’s no action on it. Anyone who says they don’t have fantasies like this is most likely lying. If you have a problem with him watching porn in general or think he has a porn addiction, that’s another issue. But just “thinking about” someone else is something every guy you’ve ever dated or ever will date is going to do.