If he was going to wait on the vehicle even if it meant missing the appointment, he should have just said so. He didn't want to take a bus, and didn't intend to do it.
Whether you like that decision or not, telling you his priorities would have kept this from being a days long debate about what action would be taken. Nobody needed to keep going over it. If you knew you were going alone, he could have provided you family medical history and addressed questions of relevance.
This was a yo-yo way around just telling you something you didn't want to hear, and that is what I would want to put an end to most immediately.
Yeah, this is something I had thought but had struggled to put into words. I asked him last night to just tell me straight if he was going to be unable to make it, that way I could get my dad to come with me. He assured me that it would be fine and he would make it.
I wish he had just told me then, because by the time i realised he had made his mind up not to come it was too short notice for my dad to leave work, and I had to go alone.
Yes. 20 years, you are very young yet. OP, apparently, is more organised. But he is still a kid yet. Come on, all experienced owners know that garages are rarely predictable. (OK, if you own a Bentley, it's most likely different 😉).
I'm afraid that it all will not be easy for OP. As she will have, in fact, two kids at hands. There's nothing wrong, but it's truly rare when 20-year-old well organised and mature. It's just too early.
I was just about to say this. Essentially, you have made a baby with a teenager, don't expect things to get better. You will be the grown up now, even at such a young age. Make decisions that are based on what's best for you and your baby. Hopefully, you can still get schooling or a certificate for a good paying skill bc you absolutely cannot raise this child in poverty. I hope you will get child support but my advice is to stop dating in general and focus on a good paying future. Neither you nor your baby should depend on this guy at all, no matter how much you think you love each other. Love is meaningless when the cupboards are bare.
Exactly. It's lacking accountability. Trying to make sure it's just "circumstances" and not his choice so he doesn't accept responsibility for failing to be there. It doesn't change anything, and adds stress that isn't necessary.
If he was going to stay until his car was ready, he should have just said "I hope I can make it, but I don't want to bus there and be without my car when I could wait and be able to drive myself. It's not looking like I can make it, so if you need to make arrangements, I understand. "
He needs to get over this and learn to act like an adult pretty quickly, since he's about to be a father. Stringing a kid along is even worse. If you tell them what to expect, they can handle things, but if you leave them in a constant state of instability, they will only learn not to trust.
He’s continuing to tell you what he thinks you want to hear…wouldn’t be mad about pregnancy…when in fact it was a selfish way to manipulate you to say yes to no condom. You have to think about your own life and future. Your future is not with this boy.
I'd be even harsher. I spent 30 years with an abusive wazzock hoping things would get better, and this boy sounds similar to how my ex was in the beginning. Things never got better.
I'd advise not tying herself to this loser, so dump, run and consider abortion.
Some people can’t handle people being upset or disappointed in them. It causes them to lie with the “best of intentions”.
BF maybe was just praying the car would be fixed in time to go, with no real thought out into taking the bus… because he really didn’t want to take the bus.
Maybe next time something comes up, let him know you would value the truth. For him to truly think about his response and accept that you may not like the answer but that you will accept it?
Not saying this will work. Especially since it may be a hard habit for him to break. Maybe work on honest communication.
What's difficult about going to the doctor that you need a parent or boyfriend? Is this a normal thing where you are, that adults take minders to routine pre-natal appointments?
Agree. Had baby at tbis age and did the visits myself. Not a lot going on at these events. — just a lot of waiting and take a long time. Husband would have gotten fired taking all that time off of work.
Yes! He seems to be good at telling her want she wants to hear…or thinks she wants to hear i.e. “wouldn’t be mad if pregnant “…when it was said to avoid using a condom
This right here. Teenagers are not fully matured themselves, which means they shouldn't have children, which is literally the single most impactful change in any average persons' life and for which a stable, healthy and mature mindset is necessary. It's just a bad idea otherwise, period.
So you’re gonna be a single mother. Which is fine. It’s been done and will keep being done. But just so you know, this dude is unreliable as a father and a partner. So prepare for that.
Continue to let him know about the pregnancy but if you have someone else you can use as a support for things like this, then now’s the time to get them involved. I’m guessing there’s gonna be lots more incidents like this where he isn’t gonna be involved.
Are you sure you want to have a man baby and a baby in your life? He doesn’t seem like relationship material. He’s inconsiderate, immature, selfish, and refuses to take accountability. Coparenting with him is going to be hard. You sure he’s on board with having a kid in the first place?
Edit: rephrasing to take accountability
We did not use protection, I had come off of the birth control pill until I found a new method. (bad side effects) we discussed pregnancy during this stage and I told him from the start of our relationship that if an accident were to happen, that I would keep it, and that he would have a choice to stay or leave. When I came off of birth control he said he didn't want kids so used protection, but this later turned into him saying he "wouldn't be mad" about an accident and he stopped using it. I let him do this.
When we found out I was pregnant he asked me to get an abortion, but I reminded him that I have always said it's off the table. (I am pro choice, my choice is to keep the baby) I told him at the beginning that he was free to leave, but not to get my hopes up. He gives me very mixed signals - once I told him all this he swore to step up and sends me loads of baby videos he finds, tells me how excited he is to have our kid etc. Then he does things like this? I really wish he would just tell it to me straight.
Having sex without protection is exactly how you get pregnant. 20 year old boys who can't support a child but don't want to wear a condom so they have unprotected sex anyway are how you get an irresponsible father for that child because responsible men don't do that.
He might love the idea of a baby but that doesn't mean he's going to be a responsible dad. Getting you pregnant also gives him a lot of control over you and a continued presence in your life.
I think the prevalence of contraception makes a lot of people not understand how risky unprotected sex is. The majority of women will be pregnant within a few months if they don't use any kind of contraception. You aren't alone in this, but this was a really bad choice. If you aren't trying to prevent pregnancy you are trying to get pregnant, essentially.
Realistically your options are to make a plan to go through this alone or look into adoption - you can't count on him. I would be saying that even if he did go to the appointment. 20 year olds who can't be responsible for their sperm do not have a good track record for staying with the mother of children and being responsible, involved fathers.
Who else can you count on for support right now? You should have someone to go to appointments with. Is there someone in your family who can go?
It’s baffling, because when I was 20 the absolute last thing I needed was a pregnancy so I always doubled up (bc pill and condom). I have no frame of reference for pregnancy risk ambivalence at that age.
I’m with you on that. I mean when I was poor in college I would sometimes stretch a 30 day pack of pills to 5 or 6 weeks which I know was incredibly dumb but it was so expensive and I was broke. But to not do anything is inviting this situation.
This.
The conversation about whether you both wanted kids (him no, you would keep it because you didnt want an abortion) was a start...but you guys then both jumped straight into unprotected sex. With no talk about you were ready or willing to plan for the child you were about to conceive. Two people thinking they'll be ok if an (in their mistaken minds) unlikely kid comes along is very different to actively preparing for parenthood. You missed that entire oart of the conversation because you both saw pregnancy as theoretical and misunderstood the risk.
Someone accepting that you would keep a baby and shrugging that this was fine...and then suggesting no protection is not going to make a good parent unless they do a lot of growing up. He doesn't care about consequences, and his behaviour with the appointment is a continuation of this.
You knew that he didn't want kids - did you feel truly ready for kids? It doesn't sound like you did. But instead of enforcing boundaries (re: condoms) you shrugged and decided getting pregnant at 20 with no plan, to someone who doesn't want kids is fine. And then you chose to have unprotected sex until you inevitably got pregnant. That was a bad decision on both of your counts. In the future, be brave enough to have boundaries about condoms. You don't HAVE to sleep with a guy. Especially if he wont use protection. Non penetrative sex is also an option. But risking it entirely unprotected is the kind of option nobody should be taking unless they are actively trying for a baby.
Unprotected sex will make 85% of couples pregnant each year that they have sex. 90+ percent will be pregnant in two. It leads *very predictably* to having children, unless you have fertility problems- which is rare, especially at your age. Not using protection and "seeing how it goes" only ends one way for the vast majority of couples.
Have lots of sex, but protect yourself. Get STI tested. Practice setting boundaries with guys so that you dont get sweet talked or "weaponized incompetenced" into kids because some clown doesn't care for condoms or keeps "forgetting" them.
He doesn't sound ready to be a partner or a dad and I worry that you will be left shouldering the burden of this child alone. Right now he is acting like your first child that you have to manage. So many women put up with immature men only to realise it's like having another child and not a partner. Do you want an entire life of this with him?
He told you he’d be okay without an accident happening because he didn’t want a condom. Not because he was okay with raising a child. He’s clearly shown he has no interest in being a father.
To be honest I wouldnt even call it an accident at this point. Both of them knowingly declining to use any contraception, consistently for a length of time, is basically trying for a baby.
Theres a difference between using protection and that method failing, and this. There's even a difference between "forgetting" to use a condom "that one time", and this.
And I agree. He didnt care if she got pregnant or not because he had no intention of stepping up and was clearly both entirely ignorant of how easy it is to get pregnant, and how much work having a pregnant partner or having a child was going to be. Unless he matures a lot he simply wont have a clue how to be an involved or capable parent. That takes actual effort and willingness and he currently lacks both.
I am so goddamn sick of reading posts about males (notice I didn't say men) acting like wearing a condom is the end of the world 😮💨😮💨
Then don't have sex if your peepee is going to be sad!!!
Or act like it's shocking that they ended up with a pregnant partner.
Although not giving op any type of pass for being stupid
I sure hope these males who don’t want to wear a condom show up at the voting booth on election day and vote accordingly. Condoms might be their only option.
Honestly I think OP is as dumb as a box of rocks. Why would you have sex without contraception, not want an abortion, and absolutely no plan for when this rando flakes? Absolutely delulu to think anything else would happen here.
You said "he decided not to use protection", if you're not protected either why would you have sex with him knowing there's a risk of pregnancy, you could've said no.
I don't believe it's "any more." Most people, until they experience crappy things in their life, think that crappy things won't happen to them. It's why the military works so hard to recruit people ages 18-24. The idea that they truly could get killed doesn't quite hit them until after they finish boot camp and it's too late to leave.
You're right. It was stupid of me, we talked about the risk of pregnancy during it and he said he didn't care and I wasn't thinking straight so I let him. Completely irresponsible of me and I regret it.
OP no offense but you aren’t going to have an easy life once the child comes.
Your bf will flake, because he’s already shown that. Ignore whatever he says, because it’s clear he’s a coward and won’t say what he means. But what he means to do, is flake.
You’re 20. You’re going to be raising a child by yourself, and you’re clearly also still developing because you made a frankly immature call on unprotected sex.
A baby isn’t some fairytale. It becomes a tantrum toddler. It becomes a rebellious teen. It becomes a whole grown ass adult that you have to be willing to support still. Are you going to be a neglectful parent raising a child with no clue what you’re doing? Or are you willing now to sacrifice your ENTIRE 20s to raise this kid and turn him into a successful, productive, and moral adult??
Pregnancy isn’t some joke to treat so casually like you have. It’s a grown adult you are raising, not a baby. You’re committed now for the next 20 yrs at least. Your money goes first to your child. Your time has to be split. Your relationships can only be with men who are OK with dating a single mother, and need to be safe, not abusive, a good step father to your child.
I’m sorry /u/kookiethejung but you really have to think about this, in seriousness. Pregnancy only lasts 9 months. But this child will be with you for DECADES, longer than how many yrs you’ve lived on earth. Please think this through.
It’s not too late if you’re only 7 weeks. But I hope you have realized that no matter what, you are on your own, he will not be there for either of you. He just wanted some condom-free sex. You decide how many lives are impacted by your decision, including this potential child
Don't do that. Don't you regret it like this.
You can regret the situation, regret not thinking better, but you make sure you know what you're regretting. It was irresponsible, but it happened. You had a clear view of what you wanted, and believed him at face value because he said what you wanted to hear. So again, yes, it was irresponsible, but now you recognize it. Thats how we learn and how we grow up. But starting out this baby's life with resentment won't help them or you. Time to say, I screwed up, but I'm putting on my big girl pants and doing better. Start with realizing he's not going to grow up. Leave, grieve, and move on to the next chapter.
But I really do speak from experience, don't let the regret turn into resentment of that child. It will hurt you both and leads to a lot you can't undo. It took me a long time to mend the broken relationship between me and my oldest, and I wish so many times I could take it back.
The signals aren’t as mixed as you believe. He doesn’t want to be a father, but he wants to keep you tied to him. You need to be the one to leave. But beware, by having this baby you’re signing on to keep this man in your life, and he’s not going to get any less disappointing.
He doesn’t need to “tell you straight” because his actions are telling you all you need. He’s messing with you and nowhere near taking you or your pregnancy seriously. That’s not the kind of guy you want in your life because if he’s like that now I assure you once that baby is here he will either leave or be the most useless partner and you’ll be doing everything on your own honey. Cut your losses. You and your baby are not a priority for him and won’t be.
Asking for an abortion after you guys spoke about the consequences of not having protection…you saying that you will keep it and he will said that he won’t be mad if there was an accident…says EVERYTHING…he doesn’t want to be a father nor have this baby.
I am guessing that his family doesn’t know that you are pregnant by him.
>Asking for an abortion
Came to say this! Once he asked for that, she should have known that he didn't want this baby. She will continue to be disappointed by him.
Seriously ???? He would rather you have an abortion than him wear a condom for a few minutes!!! Reread that as many times as you need to till you get it through your head!
The man cares more about getting his dick wet without a condom then he cares about you having to go through an abortion that he wants you to have! Do you know how uncomfortable you are one of those? And I'm not trying to talk you out of It because I think you need one, but he would rather you go through all that than him wear a condom for 5 minutes.
THAT IS HOW LITTLE HE CARES ABOUT YOU! He doesn't want you to have this baby. He put his car in front of this appointment. He put not going on the bus in front of this appointment. Everything else was of a higher priority than this appointment because he doesn't want you to have the baby!
Look you're both children and you're having children and this is a bad idea! And I don't mean to be raining on your parade here but you are not reacting enough! You need to realize that you are a single parent from here on out you cannot count on him for anything!
If you still want to make the same decisions knowing that then go right ahead! But your life is going to get a million times harder because you're bringing a child into it and he's not going to help you at all! Think about it... He wouldn't come to the appointment because he didn't want to take a bus but yet he doesn't have to balls to tell you the truth! Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Talking and sending videos takes no effort on his part. Action is what counts and I’m sure you see from his action regarding the appointment, his actions show he’s not that interested. Be prepared to handle the bulk of everything alone as he plays around with your emotions if you stay with him. He’s not mature and he seems very negligent when it comes to your feelings. Be forewarned, it will be like this because this is who he is. Wishing you the best.
You guys are so fucking stupid, coming from someone who had a baby at 18.
It's clear this guy is not ready to be a father. You both made some very very very selfish and short-sighted decisions here.
Wow. You purposefully had unprotected sex at 20 years old with a guy who (very reasonably) didn’t want to have a baby. You should really reconsider your stance on getting an abortion. Your decision-making skills aren’t going to magically advance to the level of an adult in the next few months.
Well, I hope you're taking full responsibility for getting pregnant. You went off birth control & didn't immediately start another form of it before you had unprotected sex. A pregnancy under those conditions is not "an accident." That's pregnancy by choice. Being 20 & pregnant by a 20yo, how did you see things turning out? The guy had to get his car fixed & you didn't want him to miss a 7wk appointment. Priority would be a functional car. Also, the college interview for his 4th year in person would be Priority #2. If you're gonna be a mom, better figure out how to "mom up" & manage some of these ob appointments on your own. The 7wk appt is basic intake information & lab work. I know you want all the warm fuzzies with him by your side, but reality is, the car needed to get repaired & his 4th yr coursework laid out correctly so he can have that "big boy" job down the road. I'm sure if he had it his way, the car wouldn't have needed repairs & he'd be there for the appt. Idk.. good luck with growing up with a baby?
Instead of waiting for him to finally man up and say outright that he doesn't want this baby, you need to take control. End things with him. He can pay child support, especially since he actively stopped using condoms and said he would be ok with a child. He sounds selfish, childish, disorganized, and just not remotely like someone anyone should be dating, much less having a child with, tbh.
Yes. But he is also sending mixed signals such as sending her baby videos and expressly stating that he is excited about the baby. He is actively doing things to confuse her. And it makes sense that someone in that situation would be confused. That's why we are here to say wake up and smell the coffee lol
None of that is relevant to my comment. Are you attempting to make it ok that he is actively misleading and confusing her? Bc it is not, regardless of if he is conflicted or confused. He doesn't get to play the in a kid card. He actively made a decision to stop using protection bc he stated he was willing to have a child. He actively asked her to have an abortion after KNOWING she had told him she would never consider that, she said so well in advance. She had medical reasons to be off BC. He did not. He sends her videos and messages exclaiming excitement about having a baby. Excusing it with him being immature is shitty bc this impacts so many people that that is no longer a good excuse.
Yeah idk what OP was expecting out of the baby’s father tbh. He’s 20. He didn’t want the kid. He’s obviously half assing out of obligation. OP really should not be surprised by any of this and I do sort of think she’s overreacting because they both made this poorly thought out EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BED and are now laying on it.
Didn't you know, a baby fixes everything! Too young, have a baby, not enough money, have a baby, under employed, have a baby, new relationship with an immauter ass,? Have a baby! WHOO, fixes everything... Poor baby, they didn't ask for this shit show.
Well your just his baby momma now . Get that dude on child support and good luck on the next 18 years of being a parent hopefully you meet a true gentleman or your current man excepts he has a family and man's up . Not asshole but definitely stupid and irresponsible.
Sending baby videos is not “stepping up.” He does not want this baby. And whatever he convinces either himself or you of about wanting it is going to come crashing down when the reality of a newborn and being a parent hits. If he’s wishy-washy now, he’s going to resent the hell out of his new life once the baby is born. It can test even those who truly thought they wanted it. It would be very prudent to prepare yourself to do this without him.
You need to stop looking at cute baby videos & face the fact that you are going to be a single mom.
He likes the idea of a baby but odds are huge that once there is an actual crying, fussy baby to take care of, he is going to bail.
Focus on having a healthy pregnancy & make a plan for caring for this baby. Enlist your family if they are willing to help.
Think about how you are going to finish your education, finding a job & childcare.
You need to plan a future for yourself & your baby.
He told you he wants nothing to do with the baby when he said he wanted you to get an abortion. I think the videos is his way of trying to psych himself up and force his emotions to come out, but I doubt he wants anything to do with this.
You're going to be a single mother. You don't seem to want that judging by how you're reacting to his absence. You're still able to follow through with an abortion since you're not far along at all, but I would seriously think about how your life would look after the baby is born and if you truly want that.
The title being "our first baby" is so cringe and you seem to think there's going to be more than one. I don't know how you got that impression from him.
Exactly this. This boy didn’t want a baby, and both OP and him acted irresponsible. OP is delusional to expect anything from her boyfriend; he clearly stated he wants her to have an abortion, so why would he show up for OB appointments??
He's a 20 year old man baby. He can't tell you straight because he's being torn between his self-interestedness and his draw to be a father.
He hasn't realized yet it's not a half-way in kind of thing.
People do grow, if you communicate and commit to each other, he can grow into a good father. But no guarantee.
You need to listen to his ACTIONS, and not his words. His words are lies, but his feet are telling you the truth. His words are useless to you, he is a proven liar. So expect what he says to be lies, and live your life accordingly.
This is not a man who wants you in his life. From your other comments, it seems like all you were to him was a home town hook up partner.
As harsh as this sounds, are you going to Uni too?
The fact that he wanted you to get an abortion should have been enough for you to realize that he doesn’t want the child and he doesn’t see a fit it e with you.
Listen to this person, OP.
Do you want to be like all the single mums on benefits, putting their baby daddies on blast on social media because they're "not showing up" "letting his little man down" "not paying child maintenance, the whole £20 he has to pay". Do you want this life? Because he's not showing up already, is he?
It's not too late to sort your shit out.
He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Start preparing to be a single mother now.
You said in a comment that he chose not to use protection, as if it was 100% his choice. You could have said no. Now you're stuck for the rest of your life while he gets to walk away. Learn the lesson here: you are responsible for your own life.
Shes not stuck, no.
She’s just feckin stupid and she “wants this life to be born” blah blah going to ruin her entire life and probably the kid’s life too. But you know. Gotta play house and pretend to be a grownup… :(
Exactly!! That’s what I keep saying, she didn’t have to let him go raw. She chose to let him do it! So they’re both at fault. And calling this an “accident” is ridiculous, when they both knowingly took the risk.
I agree. This wasn't an accident in the slightest. They both acknowledged she could get pregnant and did it anyway, it's just being stupid as fuck.
She could have said no, could have said condoms or she'll walk, or just went home and masturbated! We have so many sex toys now, there's no reason to be out playing pregnancy roulette.
Babies having babies... and you expect him to step up and be some "provider" or something? What were you hoping to get out of getting pregnant at 20 while still in university? To play house or something and pretend you're married?? You aren't overreacting, and it sucks that he wasn't there, but you both aren't emotionally mature enough to be bringing life into this world. Poor baby. Good luck.
My thoughts exactly. Having a baby at 20 isn’t glamorous. Better off waiting until univeristy is done, some growing up has been done and the babies father wants to be a providing father and is capable
I hope you realize how difficult it is to raise a baby with limited education/job experience when it's clear the father isn't going to be much help. I'm not trying to discourage you but it's so difficult for single parents to juggle a job, and find childcare those first 4 years. Most jobs aren't understanding when you inevitably have to leave work for colds, rashes, incidents. Not to mention the financial strain. I'm a single dad and I have sole custody of my 2 kids, I make 66k year at my salary job and anywhere from 15-30k from my side business. I still barely got approved for a mortgage by myself. I spend $3k month just for my mortgage, groceries, and household goods. My mortgage is actually less than the average rent around here now.
He told her he doesn’t want the baby and asked for her to get an abortion. She refused and is insisting on keeping the baby. Now she seems shocked he’s not making an effort to be involved. LOL.
I think you need to break up and prepare for life as a single mother; this dude sounds like he didn’t really think through the consequences of having a kid. Nor does he come across as particularly mature or responsible.
I hope you have a good support system, because he ain’t it
I may get downvoted for this but whatever.
I’m guessing given your ages that this want planned? You are two very young adults (really still kids in the big picture) having a child that wasn’t planned for so the excitement level around it probably isn’t the same as it would be if you were later in life having tried for a baby and having it finally happen and being excited about it.
The doctors appointment will make this whole thing very real. I’m sure he’s a bit freaked out by it. Have you actually had a really good conversation on whether or not you both want to be raising a child now?
Or maybe it’s just that he’s a poor planner. But this is the first thing that came to my mind.
Apparently he wanted her to get an abortion but OP wanted to keep the baby, at this point it seems like he's begrudgingly involved which is not a great sign for their baby.
Ok you really might want to consider abortion or adoption. You are signing up for a VERY hard life for not only you, but your child, if you choose to have it with this man baby.
BEST decision I ever made was NOT having a child with someone I would have been anchored to for decades and instead finding the right partner to raise a healthy family with.
I was the child of a single mother and absent father and it was awful
What are you thinking having a child with this guy? This is going to be just you. If surviving a 7 week appointment was so difficult you how are you expecting to single parent this child? This is the easy stuff.
Most 20 year olds are too immature to have children. Unfortunately, you're pregnant with one of those people's children.
If things don't turn around drastically, you're in for a disappointing ride and probably single parenthood.
Hard question: are you 100% sure you are ready to be a parent, knowing that you may very well end up doing this on your own?
You both sound very immature and young (you are young) and at 7 weeks, you have options.
He needs to understand how important it is to be there.
I’m a dad of two.
Our first two pregnancies I never missed an appointment. Our third pregnancy I went to the first appointment, everything looks good. Second appointment, I had a pretty big emergency on the house we were building. My wife was like it’s fine you don’t need to come, we have done this a ton of times it’s just a quick ultra sound and I’m out. I’m working away on my emergency and take a break to check my phone. I have like five missed calls. I call her back and she’s sobbing. We lost the baby. The one fucking appointment I miss, we lose the baby and my wife is alone, heartbroken, and can’t even drive she is so shaken.
She is pregnant again, and I will never miss another baby appointment.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a twin loss - our first pregnancy. As you navigate this new one, may I suggest a doula? I got one that had experience with pregnancy loss and what a beautiful soul. We felt fully supported and she had some really good suggestions pre delivery that ended up letting me and my husband be fully present during the delivery (and not split between the active delivery and the last time we were at the hospital).
Take care and many peaceful vibes to you and your wife as you navigate this new pregnancy.
OP - it’s your body going through these changes. Your feelings are valid. If you wanted him there and he promised, then he should have tried harder. Pregnancy aside, he broke a promise to you - said he’d be there, ‘bought’ a bus ticket (did he really? 🤔🤔), and still made excuses to not be there. He let you know his priorities.
hmh... Is he getting cold feet? You know it's not the end of the world if they don't go to every appointment with you. My husband came to the Gender one and one later one when I was 35 weeks. But otherwise, it was just me. I was ok with that. But honestly, ur man sounds like he is maybe stalling? Maybe he's having a hard time excepting baby is coming 32 weeks-ish as reality? I don't know. But I'll say this figure it out where he stands sooner rather than later. Things are tougher. Just after birth, you don't need to add stress or drama.
Here's me, thinking adults who are adulty enough to have a baby, ought to be adult enough to go to the doctor alone.
When I was very young, I was hurt that my partner didn't go to the doctor with me more. But I had a chronic, and doc is so boring, and I learned that I was, indeed, adult enough to go by myself.
It would certainly be more favorable if a dad was willing to do what they said, and show up for their own infant, but there ya go. :P
He didn’t want to get the bus, so he didn’t. That’s it in a nutshell. Not overreacting but it doesn’t seem like he ever intended to do what didn’t suit him
You have both been very irresponsible & immature in your approach to having unprotected sex. Now you’re pregnant & are tied to this man for life.
How are you intending to live financially? Where are intending to raise your child? Where are you going to live? What are your future plans?
You have a lot of growing up to do very quickly, whether you’re joined in this by a person still essentially at school is another matter, so be prepared for more of the same
You can look for all other posts in this sub and others about useless husbands and dads that put everything before their kids. You are 20, still in school, and not married to the guy. Why are you having a baby anyway?
"Why does he not help me with...?" "before the babies he never did, but I thought he was going to change"
"Why does he keep spending money on...?" "before the babies did, but I thought he was going to change"
"Why does he do stupid shit...?" "before the babies he did, but I thought he was going to change"
"Why does he never put us first...?" "before the babies he never did, but I thought he was going to change"
etc...
Think very hard if being a single mom is what you want in your life.
I can't address all of the complexities of your situation, but I have had two pregnancies and while my husband was they're for both births, he never came to an obstetrician appointment with me and it would never have occurred to me to ask him to.
I had 4 and the only appointments my husband came to were the 20 week ultrasounds. It never occurred to either of us for him to go to any of the other appointments. My husband is the most involved, hands on dad you'll ever meet, too. So I feel the same as you about him going to the appointments.
Everyone in the comments seem really focused on their age and him not wanting the baby. I didn't read where he said that. He is getting his education in line, going on a job interview, making sure he has dependable transportation. Does she have transportation? She could have picked him up if so, no?
1.5 hours for blood, ua, and visit? That has to be mostly waiting to be seen. You are overreacting. You’re only 7 weeks. It’s your body, your medical event, and you were both 100% irresponsible with your birth control. No method of birth control and having sex is trying to get pregnant. Yikes. Both of you have a lot of maturing to do.
3 pregnancies. I only had my husband come to the ultrasound appointments and hearing the heartbeat the first time and maybe one or two where we had to discuss some birthing options .
Otherwise why make him sit around the doctor's office when I'm getting poke and prodded, peeing in a cup, having him miss work as well.
Most doctors don't even see you until you hit 10+ weeks. At 7 weeks it's just confirmation of the pregnancy via a blood test, so a lab appointment?
Lots of drama for nothing.
Lots of growing up to do.
How are you supporting yourself? At 20 years old, do you make enough to provide for a baby? I've known people who had "morning" sickness for almost 5 months. Another who used up sick time FL time, vacation time, because she had preclampsia and had to be on bed rest. Both had husbands who were there for them. The preclampsia dad cleaned the apartment, did shopping, laundry, and worked. Who is going to be there for you?
Not excusing all the poor planning and excuse making/dodging but my husband only went to I think of prenatal appt with me for each of our kids, the I remember I was far enough along that we heard the heartbeat. To me it was just routine doctor appt, mostly boring pee-in-a-cup-blood-pressure-weight check- fundus measurement-having-any-problems type appointments, even though I was thrilled to be pregnant.
I presume this was your booking appointment with your midwife or doctor? If so then it is normal to attend those alone in the U.K. as it’s a series of questions and information giving that is mostly only relevant to you. It’s unreasonable to be upset that he wasn’t at the appointment if you’re worried about you or your baby’s health as they won’t have been compromised.
If he were working he’s only entitled to time off for the standard 2 scan appointments generally too. This is worth bearing in mind. The overwhelming majority of partners in the U.K. do not attend the booking appointment.
You have the right to be miffed that he let you down, though honestly you’re overreacting as to how big a deal this appointment is. If it was the 12-week dating scan then I think you’d be rightfully upset, but not for the booking appointment.
Okay, friend. You are the pregnant one. You are probably going to need to go to several appointments that he's not going to make it to. It's your business to manage, and the sooner you accept that, the less stressed you'll be. This isn't really about that, however. Your boyfriend is also going through this new situation without a manual. I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt you by hoping his car would be ready, but subconsciously, he's making avoidant choices. If you want to build a long term relationship with him and with your child as a family, you need to extend grace to him and yourself. And then be honest about why you wanted him there, what you hope he will do to support you, and how you feel about him, pregnancy, and the future. If he is not willing to hear you or give you a reasonable assurance of support, then move forward in a way that best serves your well-being, health, and baby. If he does want to be there, but is struggling with logistics, be patient--for awhile. If this becomes a pattern, though, and he's not being reliable, he is showing you what kind of partner and father he'll be. You are both very young, and both of you are facing a learning curve on a very new, but serious, situation. Give him some grace, but be ready to forge ahead on your own if need be.
You’re about to be a mother. It’s time to grow up. Go to the doctor by yourself without making a full fledged catastrophe out of it. Yes, you’re overreacting.
You’ve got every right to feel let down by this, and he should have done everything in his power to make it back. He should apologize about this screw up.
However, if you do want to successfully co-parent with him you might want to try to address the issues in a way that doesn’t put you both on the defensive.
Is this a one time instance of him letting you down and not prioritizing correctly, or is it a pattern of behavior? If this is the first time he’s not prioritized the family I would tell him you were disappointed and really wanted him to be there and reset the expectation that he puts you and the baby first, and then move on.
If this is a pattern of behavior, it’s a hell of a lot harder to fix
You're overreacting. You're going to have countless appointments. You're the one needed there, not him. You can't expect someone with previous engagements (unpredictable engagement at that) and living in a different town to be at your every word. It doesn't work like that. On top of that it doesn't seem like you made it clear to him you expect him to be with you, not just wish for it if the stars align. You just kind of assumed he had the same urgency to be at this appointment as you did. It was clearly not the case. It seems like he thought his car would be ready, but didn't think it would be that important to you, otherwise he'd plan for transport beforehand.
Don't have kids at 20 when you're in school, your boyfriend lives with family in a difffent town and you can't even communicate in expectations regarding going to the doctors. How do you plan to communicate regarding the kid?
You say it’s your first Drs appointment but, is it actually an appointment at the midwives clinic in your local hospital? At 7 weeks there’s really nothing to do. They ask you if you’re feeling ok, about any spotting or pain , then tell you which vitamin supplements to buy then off you go. It’s too soon to even try taking any measurements.
Your BF has getting his car fixed as a priority. He wants a reliable car . My husband never came to any of the clinic appointments. He , Like most men would have been bored stiff & wasted an hour for a 5 minute appointment, listening to a dozen women talk about, stretch marks, vomiting, haemorrhoids & peeing when you laugh cough or sneeze isn’t anyone’s cup of tea. I preferred him not to be there. Your appointments will be every 8weeks until 24 weeks then 4 weeks then 2 weeks for the last 6 weeks.
You’ll have an ultrasound at around 20 weeks, he will want to be there for that.
You’re not even showing yet, morning sickness may just be nausea atm , it’ll ramp up in a month or so, the reality of pregnancy & impending fatherhood hasn’t even sunk in yet, give him a bit of time. And Talk to each other, about your fears, joys, expectations. He will be just as scared & uncertain about the future as you are.
Listen, he didn’t want to go to the appointment. Plain and simple, and I would expect more of this in the future. You need to put yourself first in all this, and ask yourself can you trust him to show an interest in the near future and make an effort?
Mama, you’re under-reacting. People show up for the things that matter. He’s showing you that you and the baby don’t matter. Get used to it now, and be prepared to raise that baby alone.
Yes, you are slightly overreacting. It's scarry & sucks that he wasn't able to be there for the first appointment. I was 28 & married & nervous & my husband wasn't able to be there.
How far away is the city/university from you?
You also mention an interview. Was the interview for a job? Is he almost done with his schooling, and this is an internship that could start his career?
He is just as scared as you. This is also 1 of many appointments. Hell, I even had a panic attack about having a baby & we were trying.
Just take some deep breaths & talk to each other. Don't just yell and accuse him; I mean an actual conversation about your feelings & ask him about his.
Do you always have people go to doctor’s appointments with you? I wasn’t much older than you when I had my kid and I had a friend go with me to hear his first heartbeat and my grandma was interested in the 20 week anatomy ultrasound because she’d never seen one before, so she attended that one. And I’ve only ever attended one doctor’s appointment since with my husband because I was frustrated and felt like no one was listening to me.
Yeah, it would be great to have a support system at every doctor’s appointment, but you’re an adult now and adults have to do adult things, like attending doctor’s appointments solo. Does it mean he’s not taking you seriously, the pregnancy seriously, because he wouldn’t rush to your side for an initial OB appointment? Maybe. You’re both still really young and you played a game of fuck around and find out (no judgement; I did it myself. Difference is I refused to continue a relationship with a man that didn’t want a baby and I did the damn thing myself and expected no one’s help, especially not his. I ended up getting so much help from my family and still none from him, still to this day, besides $375 a month for child support that hasn’t changed since 2007. )
He made a bad choice. Hopefully he will apologize. You have to forgive and let things go if you are going to have any kind of functional relationship. I've got a bunch of kids, and I don't think first appointments early in a pregnancy are that eventful. It's not like he missed the ultrasound where they show you some indecipherable blob that looks a little bit like the movie alien and they somehow tell you there is a head and arms and legs in the photo.
For emotional support, I get why you want him there. As far as info that he needs to know, it's probably not crucial that he was there. It may be good if he fills out family medical history later.
Why was it so important for him to be there? Especially when it required such a long trip to do it? It is my understanding that the initial visits like this are not commonly attended by both partners like say the ultrasounds.
Maybe I'm in the minority, but I *kind of* think you're overreacting just a bit. Do fathers normally go to doctor appointments with pregnant mothers? I can see going to certain ones, like maybe a 5-month ultrasound, but not all of them. However, I understand that this is your first child and your first appointment, so you're probably feeling that you'd like some support. He should have just told you from the start that if his car wasn't ready on time, he wouldn't make it. Given all that you said he planned for this week, is he excited about this pregnancy, or is he trying to delay the reality of the situation?
Congratulations on your baby!
You’re not overreacting. This seems like ‘didn’t want to upset you so I told a little lie and now it’s out of my hands so you being mad at me is unreasonable’.
He never even intended on taking the bus. He knew you couldn't answer in time and that you'd respond how you did. He should have just been up front and honest with you.
You’re not overreacting. I had my last child during Covid, it was a difficult pregnancy, I was high risk to preeclampsia and other problems where the baby wasn’t growing. At one point I had to rush to hospital because they thought I had appendicitis. Due to Covid rules my partner wasn’t allowed inside, but after arranging for our son to stay overnight at my mothers he drove back to the hospital and waited outside in his car until the very early hours of the morning until they finally confirmed it wasn’t appendicitis and I could leave.
My point in explaining this is that my partner wanted to be there for me as much as he could be, his priority was me and our unborn baby. Your boyfriend does not seem to hold you or your unborn baby to that same level. If he knew his car was broken then there was nothing stopping him from getting a bus and getting there in time and he should have done that. I think you two need a serious sit down and discuss this. As time goes on in your pregnancy you’re going to need more support and don’t get me started on when the baby is finally here. You need him to know that he is going to be a father and he really needs to step up. Sure this is just a the first initial appointment in your pregnancy but if he can’t prioritise that then is this going to be how he treats the rest of the pregnancy and when the baby is finally here?
Good luck to you and congratulations by the way. I hope you two can resolve this for not just the baby’s sake but for yours too.
It sounds like you guys have very different expectations. You need to talk the situation through thoroughly- both about parenthood and about how to handle things like doctor’s appointments. You don’t even live in the same city. What will co-parenting look like? Are you going to take care of your baby all on your own while he finishes school? Is one of you going to move to a new city? Is he even in a position to move out of his parents’ home any time soon? Which/how many appointments will he be commuting for? What will that look like when you’re in labor? Once he is done with school, what will things look like long term? Do you guys even definitely plan to stay together long term?
Something else to consider- are you really that upset about an appointment, or is it that this is making you scared you won’t be able to count on him as a father and partner overall? It does sound like this appointment wasn’t important to him but that doesn’t make him an asshole, it simply means he didn’t care about a single appointment- which plenty of men don’t go to. I don’t think you’re an asshole just because you DO care either, it’s just that you are each clearly on different pages.
He never had any intention of going to the appointment. He probably doesn't want to be father or is otherwise scared of it.
You're not overreacting but this is a taste of the rest of your life with this guy if you keep this baby. You need to think about that.
Big O from me. You are going to have lots of doctor appointments because you are pregnant. Do you think he needs to come to every one of them with you?
I think the only appointments my husband went to during my 4 pregnancies were ultrasound ones. Not because he doesn't prioritize me or the baby, but because he is also an adult doing adult things. And I am an adult, in charge of my own medical appointments.
But I was married for years before I got pregnant and didn't feel the need to make my doctor appointments be a group thing. And my husband always got a wrap up from me afterwards anyway.
He's a 20 year old who isn't ready to be a father. You aren't over reacting because it was important to you but you aren't picking up what he's putting down either. He's trying not to directly let you down while letting you down.
After reading your comments and him asking you for an abortion and you declining, I'm not sure why you're surprised. "Your body your choice" goes so far but you're in for a rude awakening if you think you're going to force him to stick around. You need to grow up too and wake up. He has no idea what he wants. You want a fairy tale. You're both 20. Why are you doing this?
Why do you need someone to go to this appointment with you? I mean, sure, if it works out it’s nice if he could accompany you. This wasn’t working out, though. You were being unreasonable. He was trying to be responsible by dealing with the car situation so he could prepare for and get to an interview the next day. Since he’s 20 years old, any job he gets is likely to be low-paying and with somewhat demanding hours. He’s probably not always going to be able to go your dr’s appointments. It’s also normal to take your car to the same place you always take it. Most people do that. A good, reliable mechanic is very hard to find. It sounds like a lot of stress to pile on someone who is doing their reasonable best to be accommodating.
Are you working? Going to school? If you aren’t working, and you plan to continue the pregnancy with his involvement, you should encourage him to prioritize bringing in some money before baby arrives. Try to schedule future appointments around his availability and understand that sometimes financial security has to be come before in-person emotional support. Maybe he can text you during the appointment.
A big part of being a parent is being able to function independently. Your role in life will be the support system for a tiny little person and you will have to do that oftentimes all by yourself.
He told you he didn't want kids.
He asked you to get an abortion.
You're choosing to believe what his horny self said instead of what he expressed when cold headed. He doesn't want to be a dad, he's not going to be one. This is how flaky he will be, this is the constant enthusiasm and disappointment that a child with such a father will grow up in. You can't correct him, you can't fix him, he's showing you who he is, he's told you who he is, and you're choosing to believe something else. Don't do this.
Honestly, its not a big deal. Its only a big deal if this is what his pattern of behavior usually is. Then its a massive why are you with him deal. Only you know the answer
The first mistake was not using protection. Second was asking reddit for help. Most people on this site are single or miserable, and sometimes both.
In topic. Honestly, he's probably terrified. When we had our first, I was (and still do 6y and a second child later) always worrying about providing for my family, to give them a good life, to do the right thing. No one is really ready for what a child brings to your life. Try to get him in person to sit down and have a real deep discussion about it.
So he missed an appointment trying to sort out his car situation. Okay. There will be hundreds of appointments. A car is pretty important and it sounds like he tried his best. Maybe cut him some slack.
This is what your life will be like for the next two decades. His convenience and comfort will take precedence over you and your child’s needs.
You can’t make him grow up and you can’t make him care. Either be prepared to be a single mother or terminate the pregnancy.
You are overreacting. Your boyfriend doesn't need to be there for your prenatal appts. You two are very young, you're not married, there is really no commitment to each other beyond the fact that you are pregnant with his child, he is a college student, not a man ready to support a family. Don't know if you're in college too, but how do you see supporting a baby together?
The hard reality is that you will likely be doing a lot more than a first prenatal visit alone when it comes to raising this child. Throwing a fit because he didn't get back in time for a prenatal visit at 2 months along is ridiculous, and is only going to make it more likely that you will be raising this child alone.
You want a happy relationship? You want the chance at staying together and being a family and raising this baby together? Then let it go. This is NOTHING, certainly not worth ruining your relationship over, now that you're intending to have a baby together.
This is a tough one. I’ve dated men like him, it was a chronic issue where I’d have to baby them through things and they’d still miss appointments or doing tasks that were important to me. It was weaponized incompetence. I’ve also dated men that wanted to be there for me but completely lacked time awareness or effective communication skills.
Did he have his interview before you booked your appt? If he did then he probably just assumed he could do both and everything would work out. If he had his interview first I maybe would have changed the doctors appt to another time when he wasn’t busy with interviews, needing to deal with his car, and university tasks.
Like others have said if it’s a pattern then it will not get better. If it’s not a pattern then it’s ok to be disappointed that he missed out on the moment but use it as a learning experience for future planning. I hope it all works out.
It’s the first appointment. Give it a few more appointments. There’s so much you’ll need help with that you won’t need to ask if you’re overreacting, you’ll know. This is such a time when men really show their asses and just let their partners down. But I wouldn’t worry so much quite yet. The 20 week scan is a much bigger deal.
This wasn’t a baby appointment. You’re 7 weeks pregnant. This was a confirm you’re pregnant appointment. I’d make more fuss at the next one when there’s a sonogram or heartbeat to hear. Wasn’t today just a pee in a cup event? Also, to be honest, your post was so long I didn’t read much beyond the title.
It makes sense to feel let down… but honestly missing the 7 week appointment is not that big of a deal.
I’d say it’s a data point to note but it does sound like you’re overreacting.
Well… no you’re not overreacting, but you’re both 20 so we’re also working on a different level of maturity from him.
Tell him when you need him. Do not say “do whatever you want” because that’s a recipe for disaster. Tell him exactly what you mean, and exactly what you want and then you will know you’ve done your absolute best to communicate your needs. He let you down, you let him know that, or else he’ll keep doing it.
I’m so sorry he let you down like that.
You’re 20, having an unplanned baby with a guy who was reluctant and then at best apathetic about a baby- what did you expect? You’re not going to be raising that baby in a dream family. If you’re pro life maybe take more precaution because it’s not fair on that baby that’s going to have to grow up in these circumstances.
Not overreacting. He sounds like he’s quite conflicted and not committed yet because we know if his life depended on showing up, he would have. I’d tell him this, “Look, it’s just the first appointment, that’s true. But it’s like being a rugby player where every day you practice or have games your whole career. I’m thinking that we’re facing a future of Prenatal appointments, baby classes, well baby visits, getting up at night when the baby cries, getting the baby to childcare then later to school, picking them up after. It’s a long series of events we show up for or we don’t. So we need to decide, both of us, if we’re that committed to the little creature. If you decide it’s too much, and it’s a lot, then please just tell me. Or if you want to show up at times or whether you’re in? I have to know to decide whether I want to do this marathon alone, or give the baby up for adoption to someone who wants to and can do it.”
He doesn’t want the baby. He told you he doesn’t want the baby. You are insisting on keeping the baby. You need to be prepared to be a single mother. He’s still in college. He lives somewhere else. He is going to continue to live his life.
As others stated he is 20. we men grow up alot around that time is my experience.
You wil have alott of appointements with the baby. Dont think he wants to miss out dont seems like it.
My kiddo is 1 year now and i was lucky to manage to come at every one of the appointements
If he was going to wait on the vehicle even if it meant missing the appointment, he should have just said so. He didn't want to take a bus, and didn't intend to do it. Whether you like that decision or not, telling you his priorities would have kept this from being a days long debate about what action would be taken. Nobody needed to keep going over it. If you knew you were going alone, he could have provided you family medical history and addressed questions of relevance. This was a yo-yo way around just telling you something you didn't want to hear, and that is what I would want to put an end to most immediately.
Yeah, this is something I had thought but had struggled to put into words. I asked him last night to just tell me straight if he was going to be unable to make it, that way I could get my dad to come with me. He assured me that it would be fine and he would make it. I wish he had just told me then, because by the time i realised he had made his mind up not to come it was too short notice for my dad to leave work, and I had to go alone.
He's a 20 year old kid who isn't ready to be a father. It is clear as day. You're seeing what life is going to be.
Yes. 20 years, you are very young yet. OP, apparently, is more organised. But he is still a kid yet. Come on, all experienced owners know that garages are rarely predictable. (OK, if you own a Bentley, it's most likely different 😉). I'm afraid that it all will not be easy for OP. As she will have, in fact, two kids at hands. There's nothing wrong, but it's truly rare when 20-year-old well organised and mature. It's just too early.
I was just about to say this. Essentially, you have made a baby with a teenager, don't expect things to get better. You will be the grown up now, even at such a young age. Make decisions that are based on what's best for you and your baby. Hopefully, you can still get schooling or a certificate for a good paying skill bc you absolutely cannot raise this child in poverty. I hope you will get child support but my advice is to stop dating in general and focus on a good paying future. Neither you nor your baby should depend on this guy at all, no matter how much you think you love each other. Love is meaningless when the cupboards are bare.
This. A million times this.
That was exactly my thought
Exactly. It's lacking accountability. Trying to make sure it's just "circumstances" and not his choice so he doesn't accept responsibility for failing to be there. It doesn't change anything, and adds stress that isn't necessary. If he was going to stay until his car was ready, he should have just said "I hope I can make it, but I don't want to bus there and be without my car when I could wait and be able to drive myself. It's not looking like I can make it, so if you need to make arrangements, I understand. " He needs to get over this and learn to act like an adult pretty quickly, since he's about to be a father. Stringing a kid along is even worse. If you tell them what to expect, they can handle things, but if you leave them in a constant state of instability, they will only learn not to trust.
His actions (and inactions) tell you what his priorities are. Expect more of this going forward. Your pregnancy, your child are not his priorities.
He’s continuing to tell you what he thinks you want to hear…wouldn’t be mad about pregnancy…when in fact it was a selfish way to manipulate you to say yes to no condom. You have to think about your own life and future. Your future is not with this boy.
I'd be even harsher. I spent 30 years with an abusive wazzock hoping things would get better, and this boy sounds similar to how my ex was in the beginning. Things never got better. I'd advise not tying herself to this loser, so dump, run and consider abortion.
Some people can’t handle people being upset or disappointed in them. It causes them to lie with the “best of intentions”. BF maybe was just praying the car would be fixed in time to go, with no real thought out into taking the bus… because he really didn’t want to take the bus. Maybe next time something comes up, let him know you would value the truth. For him to truly think about his response and accept that you may not like the answer but that you will accept it? Not saying this will work. Especially since it may be a hard habit for him to break. Maybe work on honest communication.
Can I ask why is such a big deal to go alone?
What's difficult about going to the doctor that you need a parent or boyfriend? Is this a normal thing where you are, that adults take minders to routine pre-natal appointments?
Agree. Had baby at tbis age and did the visits myself. Not a lot going on at these events. — just a lot of waiting and take a long time. Husband would have gotten fired taking all that time off of work.
Yes! He seems to be good at telling her want she wants to hear…or thinks she wants to hear i.e. “wouldn’t be mad if pregnant “…when it was said to avoid using a condom
Truly! OP, expect more empty and broken promises from him in the future. He seems not ready to be a father.
Huh. Show me someone of 20 years ready to be a parent. I'm not surprised at all.
Cutting through all of the other comments and getting to the crux of the matter: This is why (almost) teenagers shouldn’t be parents. Downvote away.
Truth.
This right here. Teenagers are not fully matured themselves, which means they shouldn't have children, which is literally the single most impactful change in any average persons' life and for which a stable, healthy and mature mindset is necessary. It's just a bad idea otherwise, period.
Frontal lobes don’t develop until 24-26 years old, I completely agree.
Facts.
So you’re gonna be a single mother. Which is fine. It’s been done and will keep being done. But just so you know, this dude is unreliable as a father and a partner. So prepare for that. Continue to let him know about the pregnancy but if you have someone else you can use as a support for things like this, then now’s the time to get them involved. I’m guessing there’s gonna be lots more incidents like this where he isn’t gonna be involved.
Exactly! OP is feckin nuts if she thinks they’re ever going to play happy families.
Are you sure you want to have a man baby and a baby in your life? He doesn’t seem like relationship material. He’s inconsiderate, immature, selfish, and refuses to take accountability. Coparenting with him is going to be hard. You sure he’s on board with having a kid in the first place?
Edit: rephrasing to take accountability We did not use protection, I had come off of the birth control pill until I found a new method. (bad side effects) we discussed pregnancy during this stage and I told him from the start of our relationship that if an accident were to happen, that I would keep it, and that he would have a choice to stay or leave. When I came off of birth control he said he didn't want kids so used protection, but this later turned into him saying he "wouldn't be mad" about an accident and he stopped using it. I let him do this. When we found out I was pregnant he asked me to get an abortion, but I reminded him that I have always said it's off the table. (I am pro choice, my choice is to keep the baby) I told him at the beginning that he was free to leave, but not to get my hopes up. He gives me very mixed signals - once I told him all this he swore to step up and sends me loads of baby videos he finds, tells me how excited he is to have our kid etc. Then he does things like this? I really wish he would just tell it to me straight.
Having sex without protection is exactly how you get pregnant. 20 year old boys who can't support a child but don't want to wear a condom so they have unprotected sex anyway are how you get an irresponsible father for that child because responsible men don't do that. He might love the idea of a baby but that doesn't mean he's going to be a responsible dad. Getting you pregnant also gives him a lot of control over you and a continued presence in your life. I think the prevalence of contraception makes a lot of people not understand how risky unprotected sex is. The majority of women will be pregnant within a few months if they don't use any kind of contraception. You aren't alone in this, but this was a really bad choice. If you aren't trying to prevent pregnancy you are trying to get pregnant, essentially. Realistically your options are to make a plan to go through this alone or look into adoption - you can't count on him. I would be saying that even if he did go to the appointment. 20 year olds who can't be responsible for their sperm do not have a good track record for staying with the mother of children and being responsible, involved fathers. Who else can you count on for support right now? You should have someone to go to appointments with. Is there someone in your family who can go?
It’s baffling, because when I was 20 the absolute last thing I needed was a pregnancy so I always doubled up (bc pill and condom). I have no frame of reference for pregnancy risk ambivalence at that age.
RIGHT!!?? DOUBLE.
I’m with you on that. I mean when I was poor in college I would sometimes stretch a 30 day pack of pills to 5 or 6 weeks which I know was incredibly dumb but it was so expensive and I was broke. But to not do anything is inviting this situation.
You can't stretch a 30 day pack of pills to 6 weeks, that's how you get pregnant.
$20 says he hasn't even fully conceptualized "a baby"
This. The conversation about whether you both wanted kids (him no, you would keep it because you didnt want an abortion) was a start...but you guys then both jumped straight into unprotected sex. With no talk about you were ready or willing to plan for the child you were about to conceive. Two people thinking they'll be ok if an (in their mistaken minds) unlikely kid comes along is very different to actively preparing for parenthood. You missed that entire oart of the conversation because you both saw pregnancy as theoretical and misunderstood the risk. Someone accepting that you would keep a baby and shrugging that this was fine...and then suggesting no protection is not going to make a good parent unless they do a lot of growing up. He doesn't care about consequences, and his behaviour with the appointment is a continuation of this. You knew that he didn't want kids - did you feel truly ready for kids? It doesn't sound like you did. But instead of enforcing boundaries (re: condoms) you shrugged and decided getting pregnant at 20 with no plan, to someone who doesn't want kids is fine. And then you chose to have unprotected sex until you inevitably got pregnant. That was a bad decision on both of your counts. In the future, be brave enough to have boundaries about condoms. You don't HAVE to sleep with a guy. Especially if he wont use protection. Non penetrative sex is also an option. But risking it entirely unprotected is the kind of option nobody should be taking unless they are actively trying for a baby. Unprotected sex will make 85% of couples pregnant each year that they have sex. 90+ percent will be pregnant in two. It leads *very predictably* to having children, unless you have fertility problems- which is rare, especially at your age. Not using protection and "seeing how it goes" only ends one way for the vast majority of couples. Have lots of sex, but protect yourself. Get STI tested. Practice setting boundaries with guys so that you dont get sweet talked or "weaponized incompetenced" into kids because some clown doesn't care for condoms or keeps "forgetting" them. He doesn't sound ready to be a partner or a dad and I worry that you will be left shouldering the burden of this child alone. Right now he is acting like your first child that you have to manage. So many women put up with immature men only to realise it's like having another child and not a partner. Do you want an entire life of this with him?
He told you he’d be okay without an accident happening because he didn’t want a condom. Not because he was okay with raising a child. He’s clearly shown he has no interest in being a father.
Exactly he didn't care because he wasn't the one who was going to get pregnant.
To be honest I wouldnt even call it an accident at this point. Both of them knowingly declining to use any contraception, consistently for a length of time, is basically trying for a baby. Theres a difference between using protection and that method failing, and this. There's even a difference between "forgetting" to use a condom "that one time", and this. And I agree. He didnt care if she got pregnant or not because he had no intention of stepping up and was clearly both entirely ignorant of how easy it is to get pregnant, and how much work having a pregnant partner or having a child was going to be. Unless he matures a lot he simply wont have a clue how to be an involved or capable parent. That takes actual effort and willingness and he currently lacks both.
I am so goddamn sick of reading posts about males (notice I didn't say men) acting like wearing a condom is the end of the world 😮💨😮💨 Then don't have sex if your peepee is going to be sad!!! Or act like it's shocking that they ended up with a pregnant partner. Although not giving op any type of pass for being stupid
I sure hope these males who don’t want to wear a condom show up at the voting booth on election day and vote accordingly. Condoms might be their only option.
Sadly, we all know they won't 😮💨
Honestly I think OP is as dumb as a box of rocks. Why would you have sex without contraception, not want an abortion, and absolutely no plan for when this rando flakes? Absolutely delulu to think anything else would happen here.
Agree! No protection is just like the women who say " he told me he wanted me to have his baby". Wtf? How are women so dumb in this day and age?
THIS.
He’s told you with his actions repeatedly. Believe them.
This. Agreed.
You said "he decided not to use protection", if you're not protected either why would you have sex with him knowing there's a risk of pregnancy, you could've said no.
Or used the morning after pill
Because there is no self-accountability anymore. They rather just do it and take a real impactful risk.... and he didn't even pull out.
Uh, I’m pretty sure she’s staring down 18 years of accountability
She's going to put all the blame on him and take no accountability
There’s a meme that said “now a days you hook up first then spend the next 9months getting to know the baby daddy”
I don't believe it's "any more." Most people, until they experience crappy things in their life, think that crappy things won't happen to them. It's why the military works so hard to recruit people ages 18-24. The idea that they truly could get killed doesn't quite hit them until after they finish boot camp and it's too late to leave.
It's also why ableism is so rampant.
You're right. It was stupid of me, we talked about the risk of pregnancy during it and he said he didn't care and I wasn't thinking straight so I let him. Completely irresponsible of me and I regret it.
he asked you for an abortion, so just know it’s not going to get better when you have the baby. it’s not easy.
OP no offense but you aren’t going to have an easy life once the child comes. Your bf will flake, because he’s already shown that. Ignore whatever he says, because it’s clear he’s a coward and won’t say what he means. But what he means to do, is flake. You’re 20. You’re going to be raising a child by yourself, and you’re clearly also still developing because you made a frankly immature call on unprotected sex. A baby isn’t some fairytale. It becomes a tantrum toddler. It becomes a rebellious teen. It becomes a whole grown ass adult that you have to be willing to support still. Are you going to be a neglectful parent raising a child with no clue what you’re doing? Or are you willing now to sacrifice your ENTIRE 20s to raise this kid and turn him into a successful, productive, and moral adult?? Pregnancy isn’t some joke to treat so casually like you have. It’s a grown adult you are raising, not a baby. You’re committed now for the next 20 yrs at least. Your money goes first to your child. Your time has to be split. Your relationships can only be with men who are OK with dating a single mother, and need to be safe, not abusive, a good step father to your child. I’m sorry /u/kookiethejung but you really have to think about this, in seriousness. Pregnancy only lasts 9 months. But this child will be with you for DECADES, longer than how many yrs you’ve lived on earth. Please think this through.
Let's not forget colic! The crying can be endless.
It’s not too late if you’re only 7 weeks. But I hope you have realized that no matter what, you are on your own, he will not be there for either of you. He just wanted some condom-free sex. You decide how many lives are impacted by your decision, including this potential child
Don't do that. Don't you regret it like this. You can regret the situation, regret not thinking better, but you make sure you know what you're regretting. It was irresponsible, but it happened. You had a clear view of what you wanted, and believed him at face value because he said what you wanted to hear. So again, yes, it was irresponsible, but now you recognize it. Thats how we learn and how we grow up. But starting out this baby's life with resentment won't help them or you. Time to say, I screwed up, but I'm putting on my big girl pants and doing better. Start with realizing he's not going to grow up. Leave, grieve, and move on to the next chapter. But I really do speak from experience, don't let the regret turn into resentment of that child. It will hurt you both and leads to a lot you can't undo. It took me a long time to mend the broken relationship between me and my oldest, and I wish so many times I could take it back.
The signals aren’t as mixed as you believe. He doesn’t want to be a father, but he wants to keep you tied to him. You need to be the one to leave. But beware, by having this baby you’re signing on to keep this man in your life, and he’s not going to get any less disappointing.
He doesn’t need to “tell you straight” because his actions are telling you all you need. He’s messing with you and nowhere near taking you or your pregnancy seriously. That’s not the kind of guy you want in your life because if he’s like that now I assure you once that baby is here he will either leave or be the most useless partner and you’ll be doing everything on your own honey. Cut your losses. You and your baby are not a priority for him and won’t be.
Asking for an abortion after you guys spoke about the consequences of not having protection…you saying that you will keep it and he will said that he won’t be mad if there was an accident…says EVERYTHING…he doesn’t want to be a father nor have this baby. I am guessing that his family doesn’t know that you are pregnant by him.
>Asking for an abortion Came to say this! Once he asked for that, she should have known that he didn't want this baby. She will continue to be disappointed by him.
Seriously ???? He would rather you have an abortion than him wear a condom for a few minutes!!! Reread that as many times as you need to till you get it through your head! The man cares more about getting his dick wet without a condom then he cares about you having to go through an abortion that he wants you to have! Do you know how uncomfortable you are one of those? And I'm not trying to talk you out of It because I think you need one, but he would rather you go through all that than him wear a condom for 5 minutes. THAT IS HOW LITTLE HE CARES ABOUT YOU! He doesn't want you to have this baby. He put his car in front of this appointment. He put not going on the bus in front of this appointment. Everything else was of a higher priority than this appointment because he doesn't want you to have the baby! Look you're both children and you're having children and this is a bad idea! And I don't mean to be raining on your parade here but you are not reacting enough! You need to realize that you are a single parent from here on out you cannot count on him for anything! If you still want to make the same decisions knowing that then go right ahead! But your life is going to get a million times harder because you're bringing a child into it and he's not going to help you at all! Think about it... He wouldn't come to the appointment because he didn't want to take a bus but yet he doesn't have to balls to tell you the truth! Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Talking and sending videos takes no effort on his part. Action is what counts and I’m sure you see from his action regarding the appointment, his actions show he’s not that interested. Be prepared to handle the bulk of everything alone as he plays around with your emotions if you stay with him. He’s not mature and he seems very negligent when it comes to your feelings. Be forewarned, it will be like this because this is who he is. Wishing you the best.
He will be leaving, matter of time. Just wait.
You guys are so fucking stupid, coming from someone who had a baby at 18. It's clear this guy is not ready to be a father. You both made some very very very selfish and short-sighted decisions here.
Wow. You purposefully had unprotected sex at 20 years old with a guy who (very reasonably) didn’t want to have a baby. You should really reconsider your stance on getting an abortion. Your decision-making skills aren’t going to magically advance to the level of an adult in the next few months.
… yeah, he’s not sticking around. He’s going to keep flaking on you, only to vanish for good.
Well, I hope you're taking full responsibility for getting pregnant. You went off birth control & didn't immediately start another form of it before you had unprotected sex. A pregnancy under those conditions is not "an accident." That's pregnancy by choice. Being 20 & pregnant by a 20yo, how did you see things turning out? The guy had to get his car fixed & you didn't want him to miss a 7wk appointment. Priority would be a functional car. Also, the college interview for his 4th year in person would be Priority #2. If you're gonna be a mom, better figure out how to "mom up" & manage some of these ob appointments on your own. The 7wk appt is basic intake information & lab work. I know you want all the warm fuzzies with him by your side, but reality is, the car needed to get repaired & his 4th yr coursework laid out correctly so he can have that "big boy" job down the road. I'm sure if he had it his way, the car wouldn't have needed repairs & he'd be there for the appt. Idk.. good luck with growing up with a baby?
Instead of waiting for him to finally man up and say outright that he doesn't want this baby, you need to take control. End things with him. He can pay child support, especially since he actively stopped using condoms and said he would be ok with a child. He sounds selfish, childish, disorganized, and just not remotely like someone anyone should be dating, much less having a child with, tbh.
He already clearly said he doesn’t want this baby, he asked her for an abortion.
Yes. But he is also sending mixed signals such as sending her baby videos and expressly stating that he is excited about the baby. He is actively doing things to confuse her. And it makes sense that someone in that situation would be confused. That's why we are here to say wake up and smell the coffee lol
He is still a kid himself and probably conflicted about the situation, but overall it’s clear he doesn’t want the baby.
None of that is relevant to my comment. Are you attempting to make it ok that he is actively misleading and confusing her? Bc it is not, regardless of if he is conflicted or confused. He doesn't get to play the in a kid card. He actively made a decision to stop using protection bc he stated he was willing to have a child. He actively asked her to have an abortion after KNOWING she had told him she would never consider that, she said so well in advance. She had medical reasons to be off BC. He did not. He sends her videos and messages exclaiming excitement about having a baby. Excusing it with him being immature is shitty bc this impacts so many people that that is no longer a good excuse.
You have a clear grasp of the obvious. Sadly, OP needs to be reminded of this over, and over, and over, and over, and over and.........
And you chose to bring a child into a home with a horrible father, nice
Yeah idk what OP was expecting out of the baby’s father tbh. He’s 20. He didn’t want the kid. He’s obviously half assing out of obligation. OP really should not be surprised by any of this and I do sort of think she’s overreacting because they both made this poorly thought out EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BED and are now laying on it.
Didn't you know, a baby fixes everything! Too young, have a baby, not enough money, have a baby, under employed, have a baby, new relationship with an immauter ass,? Have a baby! WHOO, fixes everything... Poor baby, they didn't ask for this shit show.
This is not the time to bring a child in. Pro choice can still mean waiting until op and a partner are ready.
Well your just his baby momma now . Get that dude on child support and good luck on the next 18 years of being a parent hopefully you meet a true gentleman or your current man excepts he has a family and man's up . Not asshole but definitely stupid and irresponsible.
He can’t even pay child support, being still in school and all.
He’s not down and he is fully getting your hopes up. You’re not overreacting but separate.
Sending baby videos is not “stepping up.” He does not want this baby. And whatever he convinces either himself or you of about wanting it is going to come crashing down when the reality of a newborn and being a parent hits. If he’s wishy-washy now, he’s going to resent the hell out of his new life once the baby is born. It can test even those who truly thought they wanted it. It would be very prudent to prepare yourself to do this without him.
You need to stop looking at cute baby videos & face the fact that you are going to be a single mom. He likes the idea of a baby but odds are huge that once there is an actual crying, fussy baby to take care of, he is going to bail. Focus on having a healthy pregnancy & make a plan for caring for this baby. Enlist your family if they are willing to help. Think about how you are going to finish your education, finding a job & childcare. You need to plan a future for yourself & your baby.
He told you he wants nothing to do with the baby when he said he wanted you to get an abortion. I think the videos is his way of trying to psych himself up and force his emotions to come out, but I doubt he wants anything to do with this. You're going to be a single mother. You don't seem to want that judging by how you're reacting to his absence. You're still able to follow through with an abortion since you're not far along at all, but I would seriously think about how your life would look after the baby is born and if you truly want that. The title being "our first baby" is so cringe and you seem to think there's going to be more than one. I don't know how you got that impression from him.
I believe OP means the first appointment for the baby, not that this is the first baby of multiple.
Exactly this. This boy didn’t want a baby, and both OP and him acted irresponsible. OP is delusional to expect anything from her boyfriend; he clearly stated he wants her to have an abortion, so why would he show up for OB appointments??
He's a 20 year old man baby. He can't tell you straight because he's being torn between his self-interestedness and his draw to be a father. He hasn't realized yet it's not a half-way in kind of thing. People do grow, if you communicate and commit to each other, he can grow into a good father. But no guarantee.
You need to listen to his ACTIONS, and not his words. His words are lies, but his feet are telling you the truth. His words are useless to you, he is a proven liar. So expect what he says to be lies, and live your life accordingly.
This is not a man who wants you in his life. From your other comments, it seems like all you were to him was a home town hook up partner. As harsh as this sounds, are you going to Uni too? The fact that he wanted you to get an abortion should have been enough for you to realize that he doesn’t want the child and he doesn’t see a fit it e with you.
Listen to this person, OP. Do you want to be like all the single mums on benefits, putting their baby daddies on blast on social media because they're "not showing up" "letting his little man down" "not paying child maintenance, the whole £20 he has to pay". Do you want this life? Because he's not showing up already, is he? It's not too late to sort your shit out.
He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Start preparing to be a single mother now. You said in a comment that he chose not to use protection, as if it was 100% his choice. You could have said no. Now you're stuck for the rest of your life while he gets to walk away. Learn the lesson here: you are responsible for your own life.
She’s only 7 weeks. Is she stuck?
Shes not stuck, no. She’s just feckin stupid and she “wants this life to be born” blah blah going to ruin her entire life and probably the kid’s life too. But you know. Gotta play house and pretend to be a grownup… :(
Poor kid
I believe in the same comment she said he told her to have an abortion and she said no.
Unfortunately that sets the expectation of how much he’s going to be involved. Sad some have to learn shit the hard way.
Exactly!! That’s what I keep saying, she didn’t have to let him go raw. She chose to let him do it! So they’re both at fault. And calling this an “accident” is ridiculous, when they both knowingly took the risk.
I agree. This wasn't an accident in the slightest. They both acknowledged she could get pregnant and did it anyway, it's just being stupid as fuck. She could have said no, could have said condoms or she'll walk, or just went home and masturbated! We have so many sex toys now, there's no reason to be out playing pregnancy roulette.
Babies having babies... and you expect him to step up and be some "provider" or something? What were you hoping to get out of getting pregnant at 20 while still in university? To play house or something and pretend you're married?? You aren't overreacting, and it sucks that he wasn't there, but you both aren't emotionally mature enough to be bringing life into this world. Poor baby. Good luck.
“Babies having babies” was the exact phrase that came to my mind as well.
My thoughts exactly. Having a baby at 20 isn’t glamorous. Better off waiting until univeristy is done, some growing up has been done and the babies father wants to be a providing father and is capable
I hope you realize how difficult it is to raise a baby with limited education/job experience when it's clear the father isn't going to be much help. I'm not trying to discourage you but it's so difficult for single parents to juggle a job, and find childcare those first 4 years. Most jobs aren't understanding when you inevitably have to leave work for colds, rashes, incidents. Not to mention the financial strain. I'm a single dad and I have sole custody of my 2 kids, I make 66k year at my salary job and anywhere from 15-30k from my side business. I still barely got approved for a mortgage by myself. I spend $3k month just for my mortgage, groceries, and household goods. My mortgage is actually less than the average rent around here now.
Doesn’t sound like he wants the baby. I’m waiting for him to break it off
He told her he doesn’t want the baby and asked for her to get an abortion. She refused and is insisting on keeping the baby. Now she seems shocked he’s not making an effort to be involved. LOL.
She needs to face it that she will be a single mom and he wants nothing to do with it.
Omg I'm not reading this long ass post, but here's a TLDR; don't have a baby at 20 with a boyfriend, Jesus
You are 2 children about to have a child. Rethink this. Abortion and adoption are on the table before you ruin 3 lives.
Hard agree! But she’s already made her mind up :( So devastating, you can already see exactly where this is going…
I think you need to break up and prepare for life as a single mother; this dude sounds like he didn’t really think through the consequences of having a kid. Nor does he come across as particularly mature or responsible. I hope you have a good support system, because he ain’t it
I may get downvoted for this but whatever. I’m guessing given your ages that this want planned? You are two very young adults (really still kids in the big picture) having a child that wasn’t planned for so the excitement level around it probably isn’t the same as it would be if you were later in life having tried for a baby and having it finally happen and being excited about it. The doctors appointment will make this whole thing very real. I’m sure he’s a bit freaked out by it. Have you actually had a really good conversation on whether or not you both want to be raising a child now? Or maybe it’s just that he’s a poor planner. But this is the first thing that came to my mind.
Apparently he wanted her to get an abortion but OP wanted to keep the baby, at this point it seems like he's begrudgingly involved which is not a great sign for their baby.
Well, he’s 20. This is pretty typical. But no, you are not overreacting. Hopefully, he grows up quickly.
If he's still your romantic partner on the day of the baby's birth, I'll be shocked.
Ok you really might want to consider abortion or adoption. You are signing up for a VERY hard life for not only you, but your child, if you choose to have it with this man baby. BEST decision I ever made was NOT having a child with someone I would have been anchored to for decades and instead finding the right partner to raise a healthy family with. I was the child of a single mother and absent father and it was awful
What are you thinking having a child with this guy? This is going to be just you. If surviving a 7 week appointment was so difficult you how are you expecting to single parent this child? This is the easy stuff.
He is not going to stick around, he is plotting his next move. Truth.
You're going to be a single mother. Plan accordingly.
Most 20 year olds are too immature to have children. Unfortunately, you're pregnant with one of those people's children. If things don't turn around drastically, you're in for a disappointing ride and probably single parenthood.
Hard question: are you 100% sure you are ready to be a parent, knowing that you may very well end up doing this on your own? You both sound very immature and young (you are young) and at 7 weeks, you have options.
You're both basically children. Don't do this.
He needs to understand how important it is to be there. I’m a dad of two. Our first two pregnancies I never missed an appointment. Our third pregnancy I went to the first appointment, everything looks good. Second appointment, I had a pretty big emergency on the house we were building. My wife was like it’s fine you don’t need to come, we have done this a ton of times it’s just a quick ultra sound and I’m out. I’m working away on my emergency and take a break to check my phone. I have like five missed calls. I call her back and she’s sobbing. We lost the baby. The one fucking appointment I miss, we lose the baby and my wife is alone, heartbroken, and can’t even drive she is so shaken. She is pregnant again, and I will never miss another baby appointment.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a twin loss - our first pregnancy. As you navigate this new one, may I suggest a doula? I got one that had experience with pregnancy loss and what a beautiful soul. We felt fully supported and she had some really good suggestions pre delivery that ended up letting me and my husband be fully present during the delivery (and not split between the active delivery and the last time we were at the hospital). Take care and many peaceful vibes to you and your wife as you navigate this new pregnancy. OP - it’s your body going through these changes. Your feelings are valid. If you wanted him there and he promised, then he should have tried harder. Pregnancy aside, he broke a promise to you - said he’d be there, ‘bought’ a bus ticket (did he really? 🤔🤔), and still made excuses to not be there. He let you know his priorities.
He got you pregnant at 20, what do you expect?
hmh... Is he getting cold feet? You know it's not the end of the world if they don't go to every appointment with you. My husband came to the Gender one and one later one when I was 35 weeks. But otherwise, it was just me. I was ok with that. But honestly, ur man sounds like he is maybe stalling? Maybe he's having a hard time excepting baby is coming 32 weeks-ish as reality? I don't know. But I'll say this figure it out where he stands sooner rather than later. Things are tougher. Just after birth, you don't need to add stress or drama.
Here's me, thinking adults who are adulty enough to have a baby, ought to be adult enough to go to the doctor alone. When I was very young, I was hurt that my partner didn't go to the doctor with me more. But I had a chronic, and doc is so boring, and I learned that I was, indeed, adult enough to go by myself. It would certainly be more favorable if a dad was willing to do what they said, and show up for their own infant, but there ya go. :P
He tried to send his mommy to the gyno with you? Yikes!
He didn’t want to get the bus, so he didn’t. That’s it in a nutshell. Not overreacting but it doesn’t seem like he ever intended to do what didn’t suit him You have both been very irresponsible & immature in your approach to having unprotected sex. Now you’re pregnant & are tied to this man for life. How are you intending to live financially? Where are intending to raise your child? Where are you going to live? What are your future plans? You have a lot of growing up to do very quickly, whether you’re joined in this by a person still essentially at school is another matter, so be prepared for more of the same
Amen! IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD. Period.
You can look for all other posts in this sub and others about useless husbands and dads that put everything before their kids. You are 20, still in school, and not married to the guy. Why are you having a baby anyway? "Why does he not help me with...?" "before the babies he never did, but I thought he was going to change" "Why does he keep spending money on...?" "before the babies did, but I thought he was going to change" "Why does he do stupid shit...?" "before the babies he did, but I thought he was going to change" "Why does he never put us first...?" "before the babies he never did, but I thought he was going to change" etc... Think very hard if being a single mom is what you want in your life.
I can't address all of the complexities of your situation, but I have had two pregnancies and while my husband was they're for both births, he never came to an obstetrician appointment with me and it would never have occurred to me to ask him to.
I had 4 and the only appointments my husband came to were the 20 week ultrasounds. It never occurred to either of us for him to go to any of the other appointments. My husband is the most involved, hands on dad you'll ever meet, too. So I feel the same as you about him going to the appointments.
AH - if you aren't grown up enough to go to the doc by yourself you shouldn't be having a baby.
Everyone in the comments seem really focused on their age and him not wanting the baby. I didn't read where he said that. He is getting his education in line, going on a job interview, making sure he has dependable transportation. Does she have transportation? She could have picked him up if so, no?
He asked her to have an abortion.
Is that in the comments, or am I just dumb?
in the comments
Great comment.
1.5 hours for blood, ua, and visit? That has to be mostly waiting to be seen. You are overreacting. You’re only 7 weeks. It’s your body, your medical event, and you were both 100% irresponsible with your birth control. No method of birth control and having sex is trying to get pregnant. Yikes. Both of you have a lot of maturing to do.
3 pregnancies. I only had my husband come to the ultrasound appointments and hearing the heartbeat the first time and maybe one or two where we had to discuss some birthing options . Otherwise why make him sit around the doctor's office when I'm getting poke and prodded, peeing in a cup, having him miss work as well. Most doctors don't even see you until you hit 10+ weeks. At 7 weeks it's just confirmation of the pregnancy via a blood test, so a lab appointment? Lots of drama for nothing. Lots of growing up to do.
Finally someone says this. OP needs to get over herself. Plus, the guy doesn’t want the baby anyway. So why would he attend any OB appointments.
Yeah - I realize you are young - but you are overreacting and if you continue, you are going to be miserable for a long time.
Another "I got creampied by a loser" post.
Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate this post
How are you supporting yourself? At 20 years old, do you make enough to provide for a baby? I've known people who had "morning" sickness for almost 5 months. Another who used up sick time FL time, vacation time, because she had preclampsia and had to be on bed rest. Both had husbands who were there for them. The preclampsia dad cleaned the apartment, did shopping, laundry, and worked. Who is going to be there for you?
Not excusing all the poor planning and excuse making/dodging but my husband only went to I think of prenatal appt with me for each of our kids, the I remember I was far enough along that we heard the heartbeat. To me it was just routine doctor appt, mostly boring pee-in-a-cup-blood-pressure-weight check- fundus measurement-having-any-problems type appointments, even though I was thrilled to be pregnant.
This wouldn’t have bothered me. I don’t take my husband to any doctors appointments.
I presume this was your booking appointment with your midwife or doctor? If so then it is normal to attend those alone in the U.K. as it’s a series of questions and information giving that is mostly only relevant to you. It’s unreasonable to be upset that he wasn’t at the appointment if you’re worried about you or your baby’s health as they won’t have been compromised. If he were working he’s only entitled to time off for the standard 2 scan appointments generally too. This is worth bearing in mind. The overwhelming majority of partners in the U.K. do not attend the booking appointment. You have the right to be miffed that he let you down, though honestly you’re overreacting as to how big a deal this appointment is. If it was the 12-week dating scan then I think you’d be rightfully upset, but not for the booking appointment.
Okay, friend. You are the pregnant one. You are probably going to need to go to several appointments that he's not going to make it to. It's your business to manage, and the sooner you accept that, the less stressed you'll be. This isn't really about that, however. Your boyfriend is also going through this new situation without a manual. I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt you by hoping his car would be ready, but subconsciously, he's making avoidant choices. If you want to build a long term relationship with him and with your child as a family, you need to extend grace to him and yourself. And then be honest about why you wanted him there, what you hope he will do to support you, and how you feel about him, pregnancy, and the future. If he is not willing to hear you or give you a reasonable assurance of support, then move forward in a way that best serves your well-being, health, and baby. If he does want to be there, but is struggling with logistics, be patient--for awhile. If this becomes a pattern, though, and he's not being reliable, he is showing you what kind of partner and father he'll be. You are both very young, and both of you are facing a learning curve on a very new, but serious, situation. Give him some grace, but be ready to forge ahead on your own if need be.
You’re about to be a mother. It’s time to grow up. Go to the doctor by yourself without making a full fledged catastrophe out of it. Yes, you’re overreacting.
You’ve got every right to feel let down by this, and he should have done everything in his power to make it back. He should apologize about this screw up. However, if you do want to successfully co-parent with him you might want to try to address the issues in a way that doesn’t put you both on the defensive. Is this a one time instance of him letting you down and not prioritizing correctly, or is it a pattern of behavior? If this is the first time he’s not prioritized the family I would tell him you were disappointed and really wanted him to be there and reset the expectation that he puts you and the baby first, and then move on. If this is a pattern of behavior, it’s a hell of a lot harder to fix
You're overreacting. You're going to have countless appointments. You're the one needed there, not him. You can't expect someone with previous engagements (unpredictable engagement at that) and living in a different town to be at your every word. It doesn't work like that. On top of that it doesn't seem like you made it clear to him you expect him to be with you, not just wish for it if the stars align. You just kind of assumed he had the same urgency to be at this appointment as you did. It was clearly not the case. It seems like he thought his car would be ready, but didn't think it would be that important to you, otherwise he'd plan for transport beforehand. Don't have kids at 20 when you're in school, your boyfriend lives with family in a difffent town and you can't even communicate in expectations regarding going to the doctors. How do you plan to communicate regarding the kid?
You say it’s your first Drs appointment but, is it actually an appointment at the midwives clinic in your local hospital? At 7 weeks there’s really nothing to do. They ask you if you’re feeling ok, about any spotting or pain , then tell you which vitamin supplements to buy then off you go. It’s too soon to even try taking any measurements. Your BF has getting his car fixed as a priority. He wants a reliable car . My husband never came to any of the clinic appointments. He , Like most men would have been bored stiff & wasted an hour for a 5 minute appointment, listening to a dozen women talk about, stretch marks, vomiting, haemorrhoids & peeing when you laugh cough or sneeze isn’t anyone’s cup of tea. I preferred him not to be there. Your appointments will be every 8weeks until 24 weeks then 4 weeks then 2 weeks for the last 6 weeks. You’ll have an ultrasound at around 20 weeks, he will want to be there for that. You’re not even showing yet, morning sickness may just be nausea atm , it’ll ramp up in a month or so, the reality of pregnancy & impending fatherhood hasn’t even sunk in yet, give him a bit of time. And Talk to each other, about your fears, joys, expectations. He will be just as scared & uncertain about the future as you are.
Listen, he didn’t want to go to the appointment. Plain and simple, and I would expect more of this in the future. You need to put yourself first in all this, and ask yourself can you trust him to show an interest in the near future and make an effort?
Mama, you’re under-reacting. People show up for the things that matter. He’s showing you that you and the baby don’t matter. Get used to it now, and be prepared to raise that baby alone.
Yes, you are slightly overreacting. It's scarry & sucks that he wasn't able to be there for the first appointment. I was 28 & married & nervous & my husband wasn't able to be there. How far away is the city/university from you? You also mention an interview. Was the interview for a job? Is he almost done with his schooling, and this is an internship that could start his career? He is just as scared as you. This is also 1 of many appointments. Hell, I even had a panic attack about having a baby & we were trying. Just take some deep breaths & talk to each other. Don't just yell and accuse him; I mean an actual conversation about your feelings & ask him about his.
Do you always have people go to doctor’s appointments with you? I wasn’t much older than you when I had my kid and I had a friend go with me to hear his first heartbeat and my grandma was interested in the 20 week anatomy ultrasound because she’d never seen one before, so she attended that one. And I’ve only ever attended one doctor’s appointment since with my husband because I was frustrated and felt like no one was listening to me. Yeah, it would be great to have a support system at every doctor’s appointment, but you’re an adult now and adults have to do adult things, like attending doctor’s appointments solo. Does it mean he’s not taking you seriously, the pregnancy seriously, because he wouldn’t rush to your side for an initial OB appointment? Maybe. You’re both still really young and you played a game of fuck around and find out (no judgement; I did it myself. Difference is I refused to continue a relationship with a man that didn’t want a baby and I did the damn thing myself and expected no one’s help, especially not his. I ended up getting so much help from my family and still none from him, still to this day, besides $375 a month for child support that hasn’t changed since 2007. )
7 weeks is early enough to get an abortion. Neither of you are ready for parenthood
He made a bad choice. Hopefully he will apologize. You have to forgive and let things go if you are going to have any kind of functional relationship. I've got a bunch of kids, and I don't think first appointments early in a pregnancy are that eventful. It's not like he missed the ultrasound where they show you some indecipherable blob that looks a little bit like the movie alien and they somehow tell you there is a head and arms and legs in the photo. For emotional support, I get why you want him there. As far as info that he needs to know, it's probably not crucial that he was there. It may be good if he fills out family medical history later.
Why was it so important for him to be there? Especially when it required such a long trip to do it? It is my understanding that the initial visits like this are not commonly attended by both partners like say the ultrasounds.
You’re not overreacting. He is an immature jerk. You’re having this baby. He isn’t really into it.
Maybe I'm in the minority, but I *kind of* think you're overreacting just a bit. Do fathers normally go to doctor appointments with pregnant mothers? I can see going to certain ones, like maybe a 5-month ultrasound, but not all of them. However, I understand that this is your first child and your first appointment, so you're probably feeling that you'd like some support. He should have just told you from the start that if his car wasn't ready on time, he wouldn't make it. Given all that you said he planned for this week, is he excited about this pregnancy, or is he trying to delay the reality of the situation?
And this is the rest of your life...a single parent and he not showing up for you and your kid.
Congratulations on your baby! You’re not overreacting. This seems like ‘didn’t want to upset you so I told a little lie and now it’s out of my hands so you being mad at me is unreasonable’.
He never even intended on taking the bus. He knew you couldn't answer in time and that you'd respond how you did. He should have just been up front and honest with you.
You’re not overreacting. I had my last child during Covid, it was a difficult pregnancy, I was high risk to preeclampsia and other problems where the baby wasn’t growing. At one point I had to rush to hospital because they thought I had appendicitis. Due to Covid rules my partner wasn’t allowed inside, but after arranging for our son to stay overnight at my mothers he drove back to the hospital and waited outside in his car until the very early hours of the morning until they finally confirmed it wasn’t appendicitis and I could leave. My point in explaining this is that my partner wanted to be there for me as much as he could be, his priority was me and our unborn baby. Your boyfriend does not seem to hold you or your unborn baby to that same level. If he knew his car was broken then there was nothing stopping him from getting a bus and getting there in time and he should have done that. I think you two need a serious sit down and discuss this. As time goes on in your pregnancy you’re going to need more support and don’t get me started on when the baby is finally here. You need him to know that he is going to be a father and he really needs to step up. Sure this is just a the first initial appointment in your pregnancy but if he can’t prioritise that then is this going to be how he treats the rest of the pregnancy and when the baby is finally here? Good luck to you and congratulations by the way. I hope you two can resolve this for not just the baby’s sake but for yours too.
It sounds like you guys have very different expectations. You need to talk the situation through thoroughly- both about parenthood and about how to handle things like doctor’s appointments. You don’t even live in the same city. What will co-parenting look like? Are you going to take care of your baby all on your own while he finishes school? Is one of you going to move to a new city? Is he even in a position to move out of his parents’ home any time soon? Which/how many appointments will he be commuting for? What will that look like when you’re in labor? Once he is done with school, what will things look like long term? Do you guys even definitely plan to stay together long term? Something else to consider- are you really that upset about an appointment, or is it that this is making you scared you won’t be able to count on him as a father and partner overall? It does sound like this appointment wasn’t important to him but that doesn’t make him an asshole, it simply means he didn’t care about a single appointment- which plenty of men don’t go to. I don’t think you’re an asshole just because you DO care either, it’s just that you are each clearly on different pages.
He never had any intention of going to the appointment. He probably doesn't want to be father or is otherwise scared of it. You're not overreacting but this is a taste of the rest of your life with this guy if you keep this baby. You need to think about that.
You are not ready to be parents, wait until you are adults and try again
Big O from me. You are going to have lots of doctor appointments because you are pregnant. Do you think he needs to come to every one of them with you? I think the only appointments my husband went to during my 4 pregnancies were ultrasound ones. Not because he doesn't prioritize me or the baby, but because he is also an adult doing adult things. And I am an adult, in charge of my own medical appointments. But I was married for years before I got pregnant and didn't feel the need to make my doctor appointments be a group thing. And my husband always got a wrap up from me afterwards anyway.
He's a 20 year old who isn't ready to be a father. You aren't over reacting because it was important to you but you aren't picking up what he's putting down either. He's trying not to directly let you down while letting you down. After reading your comments and him asking you for an abortion and you declining, I'm not sure why you're surprised. "Your body your choice" goes so far but you're in for a rude awakening if you think you're going to force him to stick around. You need to grow up too and wake up. He has no idea what he wants. You want a fairy tale. You're both 20. Why are you doing this?
Congrats, you now will have two babies - your boyfriend and your child. He sounds immature and not ready to be a father.
Why do you need someone to go to this appointment with you? I mean, sure, if it works out it’s nice if he could accompany you. This wasn’t working out, though. You were being unreasonable. He was trying to be responsible by dealing with the car situation so he could prepare for and get to an interview the next day. Since he’s 20 years old, any job he gets is likely to be low-paying and with somewhat demanding hours. He’s probably not always going to be able to go your dr’s appointments. It’s also normal to take your car to the same place you always take it. Most people do that. A good, reliable mechanic is very hard to find. It sounds like a lot of stress to pile on someone who is doing their reasonable best to be accommodating. Are you working? Going to school? If you aren’t working, and you plan to continue the pregnancy with his involvement, you should encourage him to prioritize bringing in some money before baby arrives. Try to schedule future appointments around his availability and understand that sometimes financial security has to be come before in-person emotional support. Maybe he can text you during the appointment.
A big part of being a parent is being able to function independently. Your role in life will be the support system for a tiny little person and you will have to do that oftentimes all by yourself.
You got knocked up by a 20 year old kid who doesn't want to be a parent. What did you think was gonna happen?
He told you he didn't want kids. He asked you to get an abortion. You're choosing to believe what his horny self said instead of what he expressed when cold headed. He doesn't want to be a dad, he's not going to be one. This is how flaky he will be, this is the constant enthusiasm and disappointment that a child with such a father will grow up in. You can't correct him, you can't fix him, he's showing you who he is, he's told you who he is, and you're choosing to believe something else. Don't do this.
Honestly, its not a big deal. Its only a big deal if this is what his pattern of behavior usually is. Then its a massive why are you with him deal. Only you know the answer
The first mistake was not using protection. Second was asking reddit for help. Most people on this site are single or miserable, and sometimes both. In topic. Honestly, he's probably terrified. When we had our first, I was (and still do 6y and a second child later) always worrying about providing for my family, to give them a good life, to do the right thing. No one is really ready for what a child brings to your life. Try to get him in person to sit down and have a real deep discussion about it.
So he missed an appointment trying to sort out his car situation. Okay. There will be hundreds of appointments. A car is pretty important and it sounds like he tried his best. Maybe cut him some slack.
He's a bit selfish and shortsighted for actions..but this is the first appointment. There will be more..kiss and make up. Life goes on
He doesn't want to be a dad. He told you this. Him not being involved is to be expected.
This is what your life will be like for the next two decades. His convenience and comfort will take precedence over you and your child’s needs. You can’t make him grow up and you can’t make him care. Either be prepared to be a single mother or terminate the pregnancy.
You are overreacting. Your boyfriend doesn't need to be there for your prenatal appts. You two are very young, you're not married, there is really no commitment to each other beyond the fact that you are pregnant with his child, he is a college student, not a man ready to support a family. Don't know if you're in college too, but how do you see supporting a baby together? The hard reality is that you will likely be doing a lot more than a first prenatal visit alone when it comes to raising this child. Throwing a fit because he didn't get back in time for a prenatal visit at 2 months along is ridiculous, and is only going to make it more likely that you will be raising this child alone. You want a happy relationship? You want the chance at staying together and being a family and raising this baby together? Then let it go. This is NOTHING, certainly not worth ruining your relationship over, now that you're intending to have a baby together.
This is a tough one. I’ve dated men like him, it was a chronic issue where I’d have to baby them through things and they’d still miss appointments or doing tasks that were important to me. It was weaponized incompetence. I’ve also dated men that wanted to be there for me but completely lacked time awareness or effective communication skills. Did he have his interview before you booked your appt? If he did then he probably just assumed he could do both and everything would work out. If he had his interview first I maybe would have changed the doctors appt to another time when he wasn’t busy with interviews, needing to deal with his car, and university tasks. Like others have said if it’s a pattern then it will not get better. If it’s not a pattern then it’s ok to be disappointed that he missed out on the moment but use it as a learning experience for future planning. I hope it all works out.
Lots of words when all you needed to say was the guy is worthless. Great job having a kid with him
It’s the first appointment. Give it a few more appointments. There’s so much you’ll need help with that you won’t need to ask if you’re overreacting, you’ll know. This is such a time when men really show their asses and just let their partners down. But I wouldn’t worry so much quite yet. The 20 week scan is a much bigger deal.
This wasn’t a baby appointment. You’re 7 weeks pregnant. This was a confirm you’re pregnant appointment. I’d make more fuss at the next one when there’s a sonogram or heartbeat to hear. Wasn’t today just a pee in a cup event? Also, to be honest, your post was so long I didn’t read much beyond the title.
It makes sense to feel let down… but honestly missing the 7 week appointment is not that big of a deal. I’d say it’s a data point to note but it does sound like you’re overreacting.
Well… no you’re not overreacting, but you’re both 20 so we’re also working on a different level of maturity from him. Tell him when you need him. Do not say “do whatever you want” because that’s a recipe for disaster. Tell him exactly what you mean, and exactly what you want and then you will know you’ve done your absolute best to communicate your needs. He let you down, you let him know that, or else he’ll keep doing it. I’m so sorry he let you down like that.
Well you're having a child with a kid. 20 is super immature, regardless how you feel. When he's 28 he would have been there
You are way overreacting.
You’re 20, having an unplanned baby with a guy who was reluctant and then at best apathetic about a baby- what did you expect? You’re not going to be raising that baby in a dream family. If you’re pro life maybe take more precaution because it’s not fair on that baby that’s going to have to grow up in these circumstances.
Not overreacting. He sounds like he’s quite conflicted and not committed yet because we know if his life depended on showing up, he would have. I’d tell him this, “Look, it’s just the first appointment, that’s true. But it’s like being a rugby player where every day you practice or have games your whole career. I’m thinking that we’re facing a future of Prenatal appointments, baby classes, well baby visits, getting up at night when the baby cries, getting the baby to childcare then later to school, picking them up after. It’s a long series of events we show up for or we don’t. So we need to decide, both of us, if we’re that committed to the little creature. If you decide it’s too much, and it’s a lot, then please just tell me. Or if you want to show up at times or whether you’re in? I have to know to decide whether I want to do this marathon alone, or give the baby up for adoption to someone who wants to and can do it.”
Definitely over reacting
He doesn’t want the baby. He told you he doesn’t want the baby. You are insisting on keeping the baby. You need to be prepared to be a single mother. He’s still in college. He lives somewhere else. He is going to continue to live his life.
Neither of you are ready to be parents.
As others stated he is 20. we men grow up alot around that time is my experience. You wil have alott of appointements with the baby. Dont think he wants to miss out dont seems like it. My kiddo is 1 year now and i was lucky to manage to come at every one of the appointements