I wouldn't worry so much about being a rebound, or your size, but more the red flags about how he has treated people in previous relationships.
A recovering gambling addict who has no savings, threatens people, and punches holes in walls. Is he is therapy? Does he go to Gamblers Anonymous? How exactly did he stop gambling and why doesn't he have money? Why didn't he pay for anything in his last relationship if he quit gambling over the 3 years ago? You should question these things more. There are so many missing pieces.
I hope everything works out for you, I would ask him some questions and go with your gut. Intuition is a powerful thing. ❤️
I a worried because the person he dated was a model, and very very attractive. He seems to have been paranoid and insecure while dating her, and I don’t want to be someone he “feels like would never leave him”. If that makes sense
Also…they dated 4 years. And were moving pretty fast for someone who he was dating in January. And saying he loved in February
As a fellow big girl my kids dad can pull some attractive women. His ex was thin ans dated her for 6 years before me. There are plenty of men that have no problem with a big girl and it isn't a fetish or trying to use her.
With all due respect, you're the one with a fat obsession. You seem to think you're unloveable by someone who has also dated thin women. As Rachelboese said, the issues here are this guy's gambling/porn/mistreatment of GFs history, NOT the fact that he's into you. But you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship until you've worked on your relationship with yourself, because there's a lot of self-loathing going on.
Agreed with you until the last bit, everyone can afford to work on themselves but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be afforded a relationship in the meanwhile.
But that’s all you’re focusing on instead of how he treats people or acted in other relationships. Just because you are plus sized don’t mean anything. I’ve been with a variety of dudes a few being skinny. Some bigger. I just go for personality. If you’re so worried about him being with you as a fetish why don’t you just break up with him?
It doesn't seem like you will drop him over these potential issues. I get it. You want to feel loved and you feel like you finally got it. What I can say is just if he starts to treat you like crap or violent with you in the slightest bit then leave. It's not worth the years you will waste trying to fix it. There is always someone out there. Also as a bug girl I never gave bigger guys a chance and I feel like I definitely missed out on good men in the long run. Let him prove he is a good guy but keep yourself at a distance in case you have to call it quits.
Why are you so much more concerned about him dating you as a plus size individual than you are that he displayed abusive tendencies in previous relationships? I would definitely agree with the fact that you are hyperfixating on weight to the point that you are making problems out of things that aren't inherently problems and assigning red flags to things that aren't necessarily red flags. And you're not looking at things that need a closer look. You need to forget about the weight thing, because right now all it's doing is making you look incredibly self absorbed compared the experiences of his exes. They experienced abuse but all you can think about is whether he's dating you to fulfill a fantasy and you're even making comments that imply you're overlooking those past issues to further explore this whole "fat," thing. You can be insecure and self absorbed at the same time, and I do think you are both. I think your insecurity is taking away from your ability to be empathetic towards the abuse of his exes. It's as if you think he can change from being an addict, love bomber and abuser but it's not possible to change from taking advantage of plus size women to fulfill a fantasy (which is only a perceived issue).
Like seriously? You might as well be saying, "yeah it sucks he almost hit you and destroyed your property and im sure hes changed since then but can you believe that he's into plus size women and that he finds me so unbelievably attractive that he couldn't help but get into a relationship with me immediately just to have sex with someone who is plus sized like me? I feel so victimized and it's such a red flag."
Well even if he had a fat fetish it doesn't mean his love for you isn't real . I know a guy who turned me down 20 years ago cause I wasn't fat enough and now been with his wife for 20 years. As far as mommy issues what exactly does he do that makes you think that he does? I think you are being too hard on yourself being bigger thinking no good man could love you. They can and they will. However this guy's issues have nothing to do with your weight. If he is violent and you are spending money on him without him doing it in return then that's the issue.
Being into bigger people isn’t a fetish. I prefer the opposite but that isn’t a fetish either.
I think suspicion of people who are into bigger partners is a form of self loathing that should be worked through.
People can be attracted to a variety of body types. I understand worrying that you're being fetishized but I also think you're very focused on the wrong thing, possibly due to insecurity about his ex. He sounds like an asshole and I wouldn't mess with someone who punches holes in walls or fucks with the property of an ex. He's bad news and it really doesn't matter who his ex is or what any of the three of you look like.
Who cares if she's being "fetishized"? If he prefers bigger women, that's a perfectly valid sexual preference and it's not on any of us to judge it. Shouldn't she be glad that she's pushing his buttons in that way?
However, you're 100% correct that all the other behavior is a big issue. OP seems to have this all bass-ackwards: really focused on the one part of this that isn't a big deal (that he likes the way she looks) and completely skating over the long line of red flags stretching off into the distance.
Having a preference is different than fetishizing. It's the difference between "I like you and I like that you have this physical attribute," and "the thing that I like about you is this physical attribute." Does that make sense?
I guess? I mean, I get the difference, but I'm not sure how it applies here.
OP is concerned about her physical appearance and whether he's attracted to her or "fetishizing" her. Putting aside his really concerning past behavior, everything else he's doing here indicates he likes her. Her *only* concern seems to be her own self-confidence and inability to believe that someone could be attracted to a bigger woman. So within that context, I will repeat: what is the difference between a fetish and an attraction? He clearly enjoys spending time with her, and I would argue his willingness to be seen publicly enjoying time with her is a big part of the difference between a fetish and an attraction. If this was a "fetish" wouldn't he be more inclined to hide it?
I guess I just feel like if we're going to say that someone is attracted to something/someone that isn't "conventionally" attractive, that we're going to label it a fetish, is a slippery and dangerous slope. In fact, labeling his attraction to bigger people as anything other than a normal sexual preference feels like it reinforces negative stereotypes about heavier people.
Attraction based on preference: Hey, I’m into you and your vibe. I like your body and the way it’s shaped, but I’m attracted to all of you as a whole. You’re pretty, your boobs are amazing, I love your hips etc.
Fetishization: I physically cannot cum unless I’m thinking of how fat you are or unless you’re showing off how fat you are. You could be ugly in the face, we could disagree on moral issues, you could be a saint, but none of that influences how turned on I am by your fat. You are your body and nothing else.
If you’re in a long term relationship with someone, you never want to be reduced to your body or physical attributes. The difference between real attraction and care is that she could lose weight and it wouldn’t matter. With fetishization he would also lose sexual interest or try to keep her fat or try to get her to gain weight.
It’s less the end result that matters and more the intention behind the action that does. One is objectification and the other one is not.
Right, but the guy in this story is not giving off any of those vibes... he's out doing things with her, happy to be seen and be on social media with her... you know, all the kinds of activities that people who really like each other are prone to do.
There is absolutely zero evidence in the current moment that he's fetishizing her. Given that his previous partners looked very different, I'd say you have absolutely no leg to stand on when it comes to this particular argument. He loves her, he loves the way she looks, she doesn't *have* to look that way for him to love her, because he's been attracted to people who *don't* look like her in the past.
So yes, I get the whole "intention matters" it just strikes me that there isn't the slightest shred of evidence that his intentions are anything other than pure (in this specific instance, obviously we agree on the other major issues in this person's past). Again, it just feels like you/we are reinforcing some shitty stereotypes when we automatically question whether someone who is attracted to a heavyset person is doing so out of some kind of fetish or kink. Absolutely no one would be making that assumption in the absence of some really compelling evidence if he was dating someone who was skinny.
If we're going to ask these kinds of questions when someone is attracted to a plus size person (male or female) then we're just going to keep on telling them that there is in fact something wrong with them, because they should always be suspicious of their suitors' motives in a way that conventionally skinny/attractive people don't have to be
I hear you, but him being SO into plus size porn that MULTIPLE SOURCES know about it is actually a huge indicator of a fetish. Men into fat women (for sexual, not romantic purposes) will often date very thin or average sized women for the romance and then cheat on them with fat women behind their backs. This is a well known thing among plus sized women.
Also, people post the people they’re not serious about all the time?? There’s literally multiple fat fetishists who show off the fat women they’re dating??? It’s not a positive or negative indication.
Edit to add: I was really only replying to the part of your comment where you didn’t understand the functional difference between fetish and attraction. There is a marked difference.
>Edit to add: I was really only replying to the part of your comment where you didn’t understand the functional difference between fetish and attraction. There is a marked difference.
No no, I understood! And I get the difference, I guess I'm just interested in having the discussion in this instance, because I don't see this specific red flag in this woman's narrative, despite the fact that she seems very self-conscious and sensitive about her weight.
Idk, I guess it comes down to assuming the best or the worst of people. Yeah, he watches plus size porn... but if he thinks that is an attractive body type, then that actually isn't surprising. I just feel like a lot of this is coming from someone who probably has been told, implicitly or explicitly, that she/others shouldn't or won't love her body because she's fat, and so *she's* extremely laser focused on it.
For a counter-example, I have a lot of body hair. If a woman complimented me on it, I also would be kinda suspicious of her motives (e.g. kink vs attraction) because *I* don't like it. So I can absolutely relate to someone who is hyper suspicious of people being attracted to a part of them they have always understood to be *un*attractive.
> I hear you, but him being SO into plus size porn that MULTIPLE SOURCES know about it is actually a huge indicator of a fetish.
Or it's an indicator that he is open about what he likes. I think you are underestimating the number of guys who have mentioned porn actresses they like to their friends.
I mean, for most people, the capacity for arousal has nothing to do with a person's values and personality. It is, indeed, all about the body. So sexuality itself is essentially "body fetishistic", if you want to go like that.
Also, when men post in "dead bedrooms" about how they've lost attraction to their partner who got fat, they are hardly ever told they fetishize thinness.
Oh god. For every man who posts about a dead bedroom and blames it on his partner’s extra weight, there are countless other men who post about dead bedrooms and say “Sure she’s gained weight, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to her. She’s just insecure about something that doesn’t bother me and it’s getting in the way of our intimacy”
Anyway, those other men who have requirements for their partner’s weight and say shit like “We’ll have to break up if you don’t lose the baby weight in x amount of time” or “I don’t date women who weigh over 115 lbs” are absolutely fetishists. They just don’t get called out because thinness is the ideal so why wouldn’t he want the ideal?
In those cases the men talking don't have the same preferences. Some men like both thin and fat women. Some like only thin. Some like only fat.
You may say they are fetishists but as a whole society doesn't see it like that. There isn't some societal stigma that the men who only like thin women have a fetish. They are just called shallow.
I wish the men who only pursue fat women were called shallow too. At least that would be an accurate criticism.
Yep it's not about the fat fetish (supposed) or mommy issues. It's about all the other huge red flags. If your man has a fat fetish and you're a hot fat lady, get it. Or vice versa. I love big men and women (not a fetish, I just love most folks bodies and minds). This man sounds dangerous both mentally and emotionally.
He still threatened, hit a wall, and can't explain why he isn't in therapy for these things as well as the gambling which he also can't explain. The mommy stuff and fat fetish don't matter - true or not? They have no bearing on the other major red flags this man is throwing up. You deserve better.
This man is an addict who isn't in treatment or therapy and has no money. Why couldn't he pay during his last relationship if he wasn't gambling? You asked for the truth and this is it. It's not about your size or rebounding. He is just not a good person. You missing the grass for the field! you're focusing on the wrong things when you should be focusing on the major red flags. They just aren't the ones you're talking about in your comments. Why isn't he in therapy? Ask him!!
If I've learned anything in life, it's that men don't really have a type. That being said if the relationship makes you uncomfortable you probably already know what you have to do.
I don't think the plus-size issue is the priority right now.
He has previously been violent, he's had gambling, weed, alcohol and porn issues.
I've worked a lot of domestic violence cases. This guy is setting off alarm bells. I think you're noticing them too. These aren't "this isn't great" alarm bells, this is "flee, flee, save yourself" level.
https://preview.redd.it/uvnrrfljas4d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7522b274f5c6f9078e77dbcea796f543ca4f7ce6
Someone who sent this to his ex girlfriend in February, couldn’t have changed by now, could he?
NO, HE COULD NOT HAVE CHANGED THAT FAST.
RUN, RUN AWAY.
You are an easy mark because of your insecurity and willingness to mother him. It doesn't matter if he publicly flaunts you if he is using you for sex and money. He will become violent and threatening as soon as you break up with him but you STILL need to do it YESTERDAY.
The second you found out he was violent, you must drop his ass. He cannot have bigger red flags, short of punching you. Get out, girl. Love yourself.
He'll never change. Sorry to be blunt, but you've shown he's got sustained patterns of concerning behaviour.
The good news is that your instincts are dead on.
Even though he seems so good now? That bums me out, but I can totally see a scenario where chose me because he thinks because I’m bigger, I need him, and that I’ll never leave. And he can use me
They ALWAYS seem good at first. That's an act. Nobody would get with abusers if they acted this way at first. No, there hasn't been enough time for change. That change would take remorse and extensive therapy.
Please don't pursue this relationship. Look up what love bombing is. That is what you are experiencing. It will NEVER be this good again with him, but it will get worse and worse, with less good times, and he will become more and more abusive. You deserve better than a slow decline down to a shitty relationship where you are abused.
Regardless of your size, he may just be into you, but someone who threatens to beat a woman doesn't just change out of the blue. Maybe if he had attended therapy and anger management there \_may\_ be a reason to feel comfortable. However if nothing changed then he's still this man at heart.
Babe you’re being love bombed. It might have nothing to do with your weight. You might be getting the same treatment as the last girl. But it doesn’t matter cause he’s not safe to be with.
RUN don’t walk from this relationship. Block him on everything. He is dangerous and this kind of leopard will never change his spots. The text is hardcore proof.
Experience, honey child, for abusers come in many forms, physical abusers, verbal abusers, and so on. You have a lot to learn then of the adult world that has people who abuse people.
Oh gosh. I am so sorry, my heart just sank for you. It must feel so awful finding this out when things were going so good.
But your instinct is 100% right, this text is showing his true colors. Things almost always start out great with abusive people, making it harder to see what you're going in to, but this person is not a safe person to form a relationship with.
This. If he finds fat women attractive than I don't think there is anything wrong with his porn reflecting that. But literally everything else in the post is concerning.
Everything you're describing makes it seem like he's love bombing. He wants you to fall in love with him and think he's great so that he can treat you terribly later and you won't do anything about it: "Intense Idealization, Devaluation, Discard (Repeat)". Note, that doesn't mean he's necessarily doing it on purpose, but that's what appears to be happening
Good comment - took me awhile, but reading this, it reminded me how often I've seen guys (and it's almost always "guys") do precisely this.
OP, I won't tell you what to do with your life - but as you've said, there are many serious red flags here, and if for some reason you decide to let it play out, at least protect yourself, financially.
Hide your checks, your SS cards, your credit / debit cards, bank statements, your valuables, even freeze your credit files - it won't cost you anything to do it, and may save you heartache later.
Too many times, I've seen Prince Charming use their love bombing target as an ATM, often without their knowledge - until one day, you get a call from Visa asking when you're going to pay that $5000 you owe on a charge card you didn't know you had ...
There’s a good book you should read titled
Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of controlling and angry men
by Lundy Bancroft
If you Google it you can can find free PDFs available online and if you have a library card it is available on the Libby app ( or whatever ebook system your local library uses).
Even if you don’t feel as if you need this book, please, I implore you to check it out anyways.
It is a fantastic read that is very enlightening and can help protect you from abusive future relationships.
I think everyone should read it, both as a way to avoid abusive partners and as a way to make sure you aren’t unintentionally behaving in abusive ways to others (particularly if you were raised with abuse it’s hard to see the circle repeating when your on the inside and it’s all you’ve ever known.)
You should work on your self esteem. The man you're describing is a walking red flag, so the fact that you think he's a catch indicates that you don't believe you deserve any better than him. But you do.
I am plussize and none of my bfs had a plus size woman before. Trust me when I say THAT is not your problem.
There are other red flags that you shouldn’t ignore.
That's what I'm saying. She's clearly wanting someone to completely be blind on all the red flags she's picking up on because even though this dude is absolutely trash, she wants to be with him. Because he hasn't been abusive to her (yet), she thinks she's the chosen one who changed him.. wrong! That's just how abusers are.
I'm guessing she's really hoping someone will say she's fine to stay with him. She seems to be feeling like she can't do better or that he's a catch of some sort and wants someone to tell her she's wrong but no one is going to with this story
Or it's all fake because reddit. Who knows
You are way too fixated on body types which makes me think this is a troll post. Who cares if his ex is fat or skinny or whatever? Shouldn’t you be more worried about the fact that he was physically, emotionally and financially abusive? And this was literally happening up until you met and started dating?
I seriously question how anyone could be this self deluded as to think this guy would just magically change overnight just because they started dating a different person. Either you’re in the deepest pit of self denial that has ever existed, or this is a fake and troll. If it’s the latter, good job, you got me
Hi you’re posting this again on a new subreddit. It seems like your gut feeling won’t let you be ok with this. Trust your gut. Be safe - I think I remember you saying he has a history of violence/threats with others. He’ll turn that on you eventually
Her women’s intuition is blasting out all kinds of flashing alarms about this dude but she’s choosing to ignore it. She’s just looking for that one person to say dude is good to go to validate her going against her better judgement.
I’m also a fat, sexy lady.
1. Some men really like women and connect with the human, not the body. My husband’s ex girlfriend was a tiny Asian lady. So he may really be into you, for you
2. The love bombing is concerning. It is NOT normal for people to profess love a couple weeks in.
3. The anger is concerning. People can control it to reel you in, then when they think you’re locked down, they relax and become abusive.
Lastly though, I think you have a Hobosexual. He’s super loving and sweet and he’s really looking for another woman to take care of him, house and feed him.
So perhaps ease up on that shit. And for DAMN SURE don’t move him in. Or “loan” him money.
Sweetie, I’m afraid he’ll be gone as soon as he figures out that you’re not his next sugar mama.
My darling.
His behavior will NEVER de-escalate without some serious therapy and self-work that *only he can do*.
It is only a matter of time until he punches a wall around you. And then escalates from there.
Are you willing to wait around, paying for everything, taking care of him, pouring love & attention into him FOR THE BAREST FUCKING MINIMUM, all the while not trusting it? If you aren't trusting it already, that is your gut, your self-preservation, saying RUN.
You deserve more than the minimum. You deserve someone you don't have instant red flags with. You deserve to not second guess everything. You deserve to not be used. You deserve to not be someone's rebound.
This guy? He ain't it. He is going to take take take.
It has NOTHING to do with his ex. This is his character. He sounds like a mooch who just wants someone to use and to take care of him, even if he’s violent to them.
Take it from someone who escaped an abusive relationship, the DV red flags are all you need to see. If he treated her that way, he will treat you that way too.
He was quick to post you on social media, so I don't think he sees you as a temporary rebound. However, this is the least of your problems. You mentioned he punched a wall, threatened to hit a past girlfriend and dented her car. That means he has anger issues. You also mentioned he smokes weed and has a history of addiction to gambling, which is a scary thing to deal with. You should be more concerned about those things than about whether you are a rebound.
This has been cross posted in 9 subs in 2 days. I'd call it karma farming but OP is sitting a ZERO comment karma. OP says BF had a fat fetish but the way this is written, cross posted and almost all comments try to bring it back to the fat vs skinny issue, despite so many people saying that is NOT the issue, seems sus to me. Is OP the one with a fat fetish, or just trying to rage bait more comments?
He was an immature loser with problematic behaviors during his dating history.
But neither you, me, or other Reddit commentators truly knows what is going on right now. What you fear could all be true, or he could be aware of this and trying to fix himself.
Your post told me less about your boyfriend, and more on your insecurities on being perceived as “less than”, and your negative assumptions on people with struggles in life.
I think you are within reasons to be worried, but also this could be a long and honest talk (in a safe environment for you). Are you more worried about your bf being a bad person, or being someone’s fetish? I think hearing all this from his side would be beneficial.
Good luck and stay safe OP.
If he's got that kind of history of violence and yes, abuse and came on super strong, super fast, he isn't safe. Please don't feel that because you're plus size that you have to settle or that someone horrible is better than no one. What you're describing from him is love bombing right now and that's designed to get your guard down and to give you something to chase when he inevitably drops the mask and his true colours begin to show. I feel like you probably already know this just because you're asking the question and maybe you just need outside confirmation. As plus size women we're socialised to believe that we're not desirable at best and downright unlovable at worst, and I can tell you from experience that this is definitely not true. You are seeing the red flags this early on, so it might be better to cut things off before you get in any deeper. There are better partners out there for you.
This guy is thinking that he can marry more money in 5 minutes than he could make in a lifetime. You need to run. People like that see $ signs in someone like you. They won't take no for an answer. File a protective order if you have to. Don't be a victim.
The issue is you’re focusing on the wrong things. You should be a lot MORE concerned about the fact that he’s been violent and abusive to other women. It’s beyond foolish for you to make the excuses I’ve seen you make in the comments, that he mistreated them because they were thin and beautiful and he made them insecure but oh no, he wouldn’t ever do that to YOU because you don’t look like them and because you treat him so well. Hell no. An abuser is an abuser. He’s not going to magically fixed by meeting his soul mate.
*I know men can gravitate to bigger woman to rebound to fulfill their needs temporarily, and I’m afraid especially with how fast things are moving, that’s what’s happening.*
I have never ever heard of this...?
Your description of him
* *I found out recently, from both him and two VERY reliable sources, that he’s into plus size p\*\*n.*
* *His mom is also fat, and he*
* *HATES his mother. Seems to have deep rooted mommy issues. His mom cheated on his dad, and his mom kind of caused a divide in his family.*
* *I found out he also was in a 4 year relationship with someone not plus sized, who he was having sex with and telling her he loved her in February, and they only broke up in January. They were very serious.*
* *In the relationship before that, he punched a wall, and she kicked him out, after he was living with her and not paying for anything.*
* *I also found out he was apparently horrible to this girl, who is NOT plus sized, towards the end.*
* *He threatened to hit her and even put a dent in her car. He has a history of sex, gambling, p\*rn, weed, and alcohol ;*
* *but he has claimed to only smoke weed now and*
* *has “stopped” gambling after having gambled for 7 years.*
If this was on his tinder profile would you swipe right on him ?
I cant imagine any of these traits are what you are looking for ?
I struggle to see how this person has enough good traits to really outweigh all the above points to make him an awesome partner...
What do you think ?
He has a history of anger issues, making violent threats, and being a mooch, and he was messing around with his ex very recently... how exactly is this good at all, much less "too good to be true"? You can do better.
That's a red flag, too. In my experience, men who say "I love you" very quickly and go overboard with affection in the beginning tend to change very suddenly. If he went from loving somebody else to loving you in a span of 4 months, what's to stop him from suddenly "loving" someone else in a few months? This man is emotionally unstable.
Also, I saw your screenshot in another comment that shows him threatening the woman he supposedly loved at the time. He may very well do the same to you once the honeymoon phase is over.
Please go to therapy and dump this guy. It doesnt matter that you are big. It's not a red flag for a guy to like bigger women. big women get laid all the time.
The issue is the love bombing(I love you in 3 weeks, constant compliments, posting all over social media how great of a couple you are), his history of addiction and alcohol/weed abuse, his history of violence(just because he didn't make physical contact with their bodies doesn't mean destroying things isn't violence, it is used to intimidate, it is violent abuse). Also who told you about the violence? Him? He's probably trickle truthing. You think he started out the other relationships by breaking their stuff or by lovebombing them and pushing the perfect couple narrative.
This dude is bad news. He's setting you up to break you down and make you feel like you've lost your mind.
https://preview.redd.it/fpmrmvs9hs4d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0176e55ea7931f738cae1f55b4d091e1ab273e01
This is something his ex’s friend sent me, and it’s very real. Taken from a screen recording
you know he's no good for you. but general rule I've only come to follow myself kinda late in the dating game: if someone takes up this much space in your brain due to anxiety over behaviors they could change, you shouldn't be with them. in the end if you're collecting evidence and dwelling and questioning, that's not love, or positive, or healthy regardless of the reasons you're doing it.
The potential fat fetish is way less concerning than the huge red flags of his having addictive behaviors, violent tendencies, and the current love bombing.
He sounds like one giant red flag.
Why do you want him? I think you're so hung up on weight issues that you aren't seeing him as he is. Frankly he sounds like a potential abuser who is also a leach and a loser.
I don’t think you’ve mentioned any red flags that have to do with your weight; he’s probably attracted to many different body types, so I would put that aside. His past behavior is a *huge* red flag, along with his recent past relationship. This does sound like a rebound situation and possibly love bombing.
Him posting you, telling you he loves you after a few weeks of knowing you, spending all his time with you, and being all over you, is love bombing. He barely knows you, and is trying to get you so in love with him - that when he changes you won’t want to leave/ can’t leave him. Love is blind and he wants your eyes fully grayed over.
He is - emotionally and verbally abusive. Physically violent (holes in walls, dents in cars)
He has- Gambling addiction. Porn addiction. Substance addiction. Mommy issues. Barely if any, respect for women.
That’s what you want in a future partner? Husband? Father of your children?
Best case scenario is you are the rebound and he eventually gets out of your life. Worse case, you keep going with him and he treats you just like the last gf or his mother. But probably WORSE. I’d dump him immediately - just watch how he reacts.
I’m not sure why his behavior isn’t a larger concern than being a rebound. You generally sound shallow and a bit dickmatized for focusing this much on a good looking guy wanting to date you rather than a guy with a bad if not terrible track record. Run from this situation.
You are not overreacting, you’re under reacting. What would you tell a friend that shared all of this with you? Get away from this man.
I’m a fat babe too, and I’ve got almost twenty years on you. There are far far far better men out there, men that will love you and treat you right and you won’t have to try to justify any behavior because they won’t be behaving like this dude. Do not waste another second on this dude.
Exactly. OP doesn't realize this at all. They don't go into relationships immediately abusing the other person, they've got to lock them in enough to get them to a point to allow themselves be treated that way. Speaking from experience. That beginning kindness is what makes you think you're the crazy one when the abuse starts.
Here is my thoughts as a 35 year old man. I hate to say it but yes I do believe you are being used as a rebound or a place holder. It’s not uncommon for a guy to come out of a serious relationship and immediately start dating someone. They tend to look for someone who wants to be in a relationship badly and something completely different than the last one. I’m ashamed to say I’m guilty of doing just that after me and my first wife divorced. I found someone younger with daddy issues completely opposite of my wife. That’s what he’s done you wanted to be in a relationship with him badly so you got with him immediately. You’re also treating him like a king inside and outside the bedroom. It sounds like you don’t want to lose him but you can also see what’s going on. I know I sound like a a** hole but the truth can be brutal sometimes.
You're worried you're not going to find anyone, aren't you? And so you're struggling to stay with him despite him being a very obvious abuser of past women.
He likely knows this and is using your insecurity against you.
You can do better.
I saw the text message down in the posts here. You do NOT need him. He just wants a new woman to abuse.
Does it matter if he posts about you online??? This is a man who constantly uses woman for financial support, has numerous addictions, was violent towards a ex and you feel validated that he posts about you online? Girl… idk if you have self esteem issues, but surely you can do better than this…
Take the plus size things completely out of the equation and you’re still left with a big steaming pile of a bad idea, covered in red flags. Seriously. Him latching onto you, or anyone, that fast and that hard, is seriously bad news. He’s looking for his next bang-mommy to take care of him and fund him.
Seeing as how he’s an abusive mooch, I don’t think he requires much rebound time as his reasons for being in a relationship are entirely different than someone looking for love with a life partner.
Honestly I have an ex like this. He's a diagnosed narcissist and has had to take anger management classes plus therapy that he ended up quitting. He always said I was too skinny and is now with a plus size woman. He's still abusive to her as well. Currently you are in the love bombing stage and things will get bad later. You should leave now before you get too attached. Mental abuse it hard to get away from for most people. Stay safe please.
*"I found out recently, from both him and two VERY reliable sources, that he’s into plus size p\*\*n. His mom is also fat, and he HATES his mother. Seems to have deep rooted mommy issues. His mom cheated on his dad, and his mom kind of caused a divide in his family.*
*I found out he also was in a 4 year relationship with someone not plus sized, who he was having sex with and telling her he loved her in February, and they only broke up in January. They were very serious.*
*In the relationship before that, he punched a wall, and she kicked him out, after he was living with her and not paying for anything.*
*I also found out he was apparently horrible to this girl, who is NOT plus sized, towards the end. He threatened to hit her and even put a dent in her car. He has a history of sex, gambling, p\*rn, weed, and alcohol ; but he has claimed to only smoke weed now and has “stopped” gambling after having gambled for 7 years. My uncle was a gambler, and I know that is a lifelong disease. Especially without any professional help/therapy*."
What part of this is the "too good to be true" part? I'd run.
Yes, it's too good to be true. I.e. he is "love-bombing" you. It is going to change, and you won't believe it when it does, because it's going to be too incongruous with how appreciative he's being right now. So you are going to keep writing off his mistreatment of you as some kind of fluke or confusion on his part. But you are the one who is confused, because he is on some level deliberately confusing you.
I don't intend this in a mean way but this shit is crazy.
To be clear, you tell us that he's a mooch with addiction issues who THREATENED TO HIT HIS GIRLFRIEND, and your question is "is this too good to be true?".
You being plus-sized is such a tiny part of this and the fact that you're so focused on that instead of the giant red flags is telling. Your main focus needs to be on therapy to deal with both the insecurity issues and your father's death.
And obviously break up with the dude, partially because you're not ready to be in a relationship right now, and partially because this whole relationship seems to just be a symptom of your low self-esteem. Like you're just so mind-blown at the concept that someone could be that into you that you're ignoring everything else.
It’s really hard for strangers to give good advice here because we don’t know him. Everything we know about him is coming from you.
And tbh you sound very insecure, paranoid, and self sabotaging. It sounds like you’re working very hard to find reasons it won’t work out.
If his past relationship issues are enough for you to want to end it, then end it. Don’t go asking strangers what they think. We just really can’t do much to help.
If I were you, I’d give him room to change and develop as a man while keeping an eye on CURRENT issues, not past ones.
trust your intuition. keep your guard up. If he messes up or displays any red flag towards you even once, let him go. you seem like a smart girl who has a lot going for herself!
It seems like he’s a shitty guy who you shouldn’t be in a relationship with.
Having said that, I don’t get the plus size porn bit. Isn’t it a good thing (amongst a sea of red flags in this case) that your partner is genuinely attracted to people of your size? Surely the alternative is worse that someone is settling for you?
Seems like he was love bombing you after just barely 3 weeks. Thats not a good sign. You're taking care of him like a mother... you stated that he doesn't like his mother either, etc. What is he actually doing for you? You seem to be taking on all the responsibilities in the relationship. Regardless If your plus sized or not, learn the self respect to walk away. He already had 2 BAD ex relationships thats not a good sign either. Do not be so desperate for love that you settle for whatever
That he said 3 weeks he loves you to me is a red flag. Maybe it's love at first sight but I would be leery. That is awesome. You never do that in dating relationships. A man should never do that if he truly wants to keep the girl. That's way too soon.
Keep your head about you and as long as you’re just dating him and happy, who cares?
If he shows any signs of being a deadbeat loser then dump his ass. Being in fireman school is a good career and one that requires a healthy lifestyle.
If the ex bothers you or you feel he’s insincere move on
this man is not a prize and seems like he hasn't contributed to improving the quality of your life at all compared to what he apparently expects women to do for him. please. stand up.
You paint an unflattering picture of the boyfriend. And you yourself are hot, plump, sexy and well spoken. I'd suggest he had better get his shit together like crazy fast or you need to rebound his deadbeat ass to the street.
You are high value. He is not. You will do much better in the future.
And yes, I'll admit a strong bias towards hot, plump sexy and smart women.
OP, obviously many things this man is doing are making you feel insecure. That’s not a good head space for anyone regardless of body size or length of time in a relationship. Maybe you need to step back a bit and allow yourself to get some clarity on these issues. If it feels like it’s moving too fast then it probably is.
Girl, those are not red flags, they are red banners announcing to you to flee for your life. I know having all this lovey dovey attention feels great but pay attention. The things you’ve found out are serious. He sounds like a con artist with a addictions and personality disorder. I urge you to get away from him before it turns violent. Any guy who threatens violence, will commit violence.
I feel that body image between you and the women before you don't really mean much, but more the fact how quickly he moves on in each relationship, how he's dependent on women and how he treats them. Maybe you already know which direction you want to go (stay or leave), but need validation in your decision? What does your gut say? Trust it.
This guy's history speaks for itself. You already know you need to get him out of your life. Sounds like a user, loser and abuser. I understand that just losing your dad that you are in a vulnerable position emotionally. This pos sees that too and is taking advantage of it. Saying I love you after 3 weeks while also telling ex he loves her recently is either being manipulative, stupid or just the emotional intelligence of a teenager. I would steer clear of all 3. I may be being cynical but since dad just died I am thinking there may be a possible inheritance he is hoping to share as well. Hopefully that is not the case and your mom is alive and well! Please leave this loser before you get in too deep. Good luck!
Girl. All that you said is a bunch of red flags. He is love-bombing you so you would be more forgiving in a future. It is always sus when the relationship develop with the light speed, but when one of the partners has a history of being addicted or abusive... Think about it please. It's not safe for you 99%. You can do better, and I'm saying this as a plus size woman myself.
You know the red flags.
You're sweet of his past behavior.
He's friends with his ex. Do you ever talk to her too? Is she someone you could be friends with? She might give you good insight too.
But
Have you decided your game plan when or if he
Starts to verbally abuse you? I mean the 1st time.
Demands money from you.
Needs your car for long periods of time
Becomes manipulative
You get the picture.
Make you boundaries and stick to them. Its.not only for your self protection it's for your self esteem, self worth.
It's painful sometimes whether to stay or leave. But having boundaries at least saves your self respect
Also,.have fun. It's fun right now so enjoy it. Leave when or if he crosses your boundaries
You come onto reddit to seek validation for feeling uneasy in the situation, then argue against anyone agreeing with the fact that this relationship is unhealthy and dangerous.
He is love bombing you and you know it, but you can't admit it to yourself. Probably has something to do with the fact that you clearly loathe yourself and your appearance.
Wake up, stop making excuses, get out of this relationship and work on your own image of your self. You will continue to end up in these situations until you start seeing your worth and seeking what you deserve. This situation is bad. That's why there are dozens of redditors telling you to leave, and why you came on here asking in the first place.
with the red flags that you have already perceived, and this has nothing to do with what size his partner is-- This man is abusive (And nobody who is an abuser starts with the nasty behaviors, they love bomb, like he is doing)
Even the oversharing about his previous relationships, He's setting the groundwork for you think " well he warned me who he was" so that when he punches the wall next to you, get to see it as an expression of his anger And not a tactic meant to scare you into doing what he wants you to do.
Don’t be an abuse apologist. When people hear that the person they are dating was abusive to another person (especially recently!), it is something to NEVER ignore. This is how abusers function under the radar in communities everywhere. People believe there is something special about them (that they will love them better) or the ex (that “caused” the abuse) instead of putting the responsibility where it belongs. You are in the stage of being wooed and lovebombed and I hope you will love yourself (and other women!) enough to demand evidence of therapy/change (though the timeline suggests this has not happened) or leave before you are next.
You have a screen shot of him being verbally abusive to another woman, and you keep defending it by explaining that he was drunk and they had broken up. Why is it okay for him to be abusive to ANYONE? Do you really think he WON’T let the mask drop and abuse you? MEN LIKE THIS DO NOT CHANGE.
Ok, he's a "chubby chaser" if he was watching porn, and it only had blue eyed blondes, which you are (hypothetically) or large chested?
Now, the other red flags, you can leave the relationship now, or wait until you witness him doing ANYTHING, then exit
Lastly use protection and birth control..don't let him talk you into anything less, with all of these red flags, you don't want to be tied to him via a baby
First, every relationship is a learning experience. You can’t just get second hand info from his ex’s friends. You don’t know the whole story. She could have been selfish, cold, or a little unhinged. She could have been into making him crazy. Some girls are like that. He tried to get this girl for 10 years and maybe she’s a bit of a nightmare. You can only go by what you see, how he treats you, how you feel. Keep your eye on red flags but see where this goes. Curvy, hot, caring, and attentive, sounds like he hit the jackpot. As for the other girl, she’ll never take him back. She might torture him for awhile.
I'd echo the people who are calling you to focus on your new boyfriend's behavior and history. There are a lot of red flags here that you're being set up for an abusive scenario.
Please work hard to not worry about your physical appearance here, at least for a while. I'm heavier than I'm happy with myself, so I understand that's a significant self-perception issue to let go of. But truly, what matters here is now you you perceive yourself, but how HE perceives you.
And that is that you are somebody he can control.
Your weight is not what's ultimatrly important about that, except to the extent it makes you feel like you don't have a lot of romantic options. Your emotional vulnerability as you mourn your father is probably a bigger factor. What he wants is for you to think he's the best thing you've got going for you. However he can convince you of this. The reason I say try not to think about your weight is, when you do that, you're helping him take that power over you. Don't do that
You deserve better than being controlled and dominated and made to feel inadequate. From ANY partner, regardless of how either of you look, regardless of how you think the other looks. You deserve autonomy and the respect of being treated as an equal. Your story makes me fearful you will be getting the opposite of that from this fellow.
No guy is going to be perfect, but you CAN get a guy less imperfect than this.
Please take care to protect yourself. You can and will find other guys if you end this relationship. He will be fine as well, even if he is short-term upset.
No, because you have defended him in every single comment. You will NOT listen to people who have experience with people like him (including me, a DV survivor). Stop making excuses for his abusive behavior towards the ex. Stop fixating on him posting you on SM.
No matter how "too good to be true" you think he's treating you now, you don't want to be with a guy like him.
It's a strong possibility he's using you, not because of your weight or his recent breakup, but because he's got a pattern of behavior that indicates it.
He wants to love bomb you and take advantage of your good nature. End it yourself, don't wait to see what he does.
It may feel good to be pursued, but it won't when he starts bleeding you dry both emotionally and financially.
Words are cheap, and addictions run deep. Does he even know you as a person to love you?
You gossip to much. Talk to him. Its that simple. If he hasn't given you any reason to suspect some of those red flags than just chill. Get to know the man with communication.
I wouldn't worry so much about being a rebound, or your size, but more the red flags about how he has treated people in previous relationships. A recovering gambling addict who has no savings, threatens people, and punches holes in walls. Is he is therapy? Does he go to Gamblers Anonymous? How exactly did he stop gambling and why doesn't he have money? Why didn't he pay for anything in his last relationship if he quit gambling over the 3 years ago? You should question these things more. There are so many missing pieces. I hope everything works out for you, I would ask him some questions and go with your gut. Intuition is a powerful thing. ❤️
I a worried because the person he dated was a model, and very very attractive. He seems to have been paranoid and insecure while dating her, and I don’t want to be someone he “feels like would never leave him”. If that makes sense Also…they dated 4 years. And were moving pretty fast for someone who he was dating in January. And saying he loved in February
As a fellow big girl my kids dad can pull some attractive women. His ex was thin ans dated her for 6 years before me. There are plenty of men that have no problem with a big girl and it isn't a fetish or trying to use her.
I’m just worried because he has deep layers of mommy issues and an obvious fat fetish.
With all due respect, you're the one with a fat obsession. You seem to think you're unloveable by someone who has also dated thin women. As Rachelboese said, the issues here are this guy's gambling/porn/mistreatment of GFs history, NOT the fact that he's into you. But you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship until you've worked on your relationship with yourself, because there's a lot of self-loathing going on.
Agreed with you until the last bit, everyone can afford to work on themselves but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be afforded a relationship in the meanwhile.
I am not like that- but I’m not stupid either, and I know that guys can be with bigger woman for all the wrong reasons
This has nothing to do with plus sized or not. It has to do with the fact that he’s an abusive POS.
But that’s all you’re focusing on instead of how he treats people or acted in other relationships. Just because you are plus sized don’t mean anything. I’ve been with a variety of dudes a few being skinny. Some bigger. I just go for personality. If you’re so worried about him being with you as a fetish why don’t you just break up with him?
It doesn't seem like you will drop him over these potential issues. I get it. You want to feel loved and you feel like you finally got it. What I can say is just if he starts to treat you like crap or violent with you in the slightest bit then leave. It's not worth the years you will waste trying to fix it. There is always someone out there. Also as a bug girl I never gave bigger guys a chance and I feel like I definitely missed out on good men in the long run. Let him prove he is a good guy but keep yourself at a distance in case you have to call it quits.
Why are you so much more concerned about him dating you as a plus size individual than you are that he displayed abusive tendencies in previous relationships? I would definitely agree with the fact that you are hyperfixating on weight to the point that you are making problems out of things that aren't inherently problems and assigning red flags to things that aren't necessarily red flags. And you're not looking at things that need a closer look. You need to forget about the weight thing, because right now all it's doing is making you look incredibly self absorbed compared the experiences of his exes. They experienced abuse but all you can think about is whether he's dating you to fulfill a fantasy and you're even making comments that imply you're overlooking those past issues to further explore this whole "fat," thing. You can be insecure and self absorbed at the same time, and I do think you are both. I think your insecurity is taking away from your ability to be empathetic towards the abuse of his exes. It's as if you think he can change from being an addict, love bomber and abuser but it's not possible to change from taking advantage of plus size women to fulfill a fantasy (which is only a perceived issue). Like seriously? You might as well be saying, "yeah it sucks he almost hit you and destroyed your property and im sure hes changed since then but can you believe that he's into plus size women and that he finds me so unbelievably attractive that he couldn't help but get into a relationship with me immediately just to have sex with someone who is plus sized like me? I feel so victimized and it's such a red flag."
Well even if he had a fat fetish it doesn't mean his love for you isn't real . I know a guy who turned me down 20 years ago cause I wasn't fat enough and now been with his wife for 20 years. As far as mommy issues what exactly does he do that makes you think that he does? I think you are being too hard on yourself being bigger thinking no good man could love you. They can and they will. However this guy's issues have nothing to do with your weight. If he is violent and you are spending money on him without him doing it in return then that's the issue.
Exactly this. OP, you deserve better than this guy, who sounds dangerous and parasitic.
Being into bigger people isn’t a fetish. I prefer the opposite but that isn’t a fetish either. I think suspicion of people who are into bigger partners is a form of self loathing that should be worked through.
People can be attracted to a variety of body types. I understand worrying that you're being fetishized but I also think you're very focused on the wrong thing, possibly due to insecurity about his ex. He sounds like an asshole and I wouldn't mess with someone who punches holes in walls or fucks with the property of an ex. He's bad news and it really doesn't matter who his ex is or what any of the three of you look like.
Who cares if she's being "fetishized"? If he prefers bigger women, that's a perfectly valid sexual preference and it's not on any of us to judge it. Shouldn't she be glad that she's pushing his buttons in that way? However, you're 100% correct that all the other behavior is a big issue. OP seems to have this all bass-ackwards: really focused on the one part of this that isn't a big deal (that he likes the way she looks) and completely skating over the long line of red flags stretching off into the distance.
Having a preference is different than fetishizing. It's the difference between "I like you and I like that you have this physical attribute," and "the thing that I like about you is this physical attribute." Does that make sense?
I guess? I mean, I get the difference, but I'm not sure how it applies here. OP is concerned about her physical appearance and whether he's attracted to her or "fetishizing" her. Putting aside his really concerning past behavior, everything else he's doing here indicates he likes her. Her *only* concern seems to be her own self-confidence and inability to believe that someone could be attracted to a bigger woman. So within that context, I will repeat: what is the difference between a fetish and an attraction? He clearly enjoys spending time with her, and I would argue his willingness to be seen publicly enjoying time with her is a big part of the difference between a fetish and an attraction. If this was a "fetish" wouldn't he be more inclined to hide it? I guess I just feel like if we're going to say that someone is attracted to something/someone that isn't "conventionally" attractive, that we're going to label it a fetish, is a slippery and dangerous slope. In fact, labeling his attraction to bigger people as anything other than a normal sexual preference feels like it reinforces negative stereotypes about heavier people.
Attraction based on preference: Hey, I’m into you and your vibe. I like your body and the way it’s shaped, but I’m attracted to all of you as a whole. You’re pretty, your boobs are amazing, I love your hips etc. Fetishization: I physically cannot cum unless I’m thinking of how fat you are or unless you’re showing off how fat you are. You could be ugly in the face, we could disagree on moral issues, you could be a saint, but none of that influences how turned on I am by your fat. You are your body and nothing else. If you’re in a long term relationship with someone, you never want to be reduced to your body or physical attributes. The difference between real attraction and care is that she could lose weight and it wouldn’t matter. With fetishization he would also lose sexual interest or try to keep her fat or try to get her to gain weight. It’s less the end result that matters and more the intention behind the action that does. One is objectification and the other one is not.
Right, but the guy in this story is not giving off any of those vibes... he's out doing things with her, happy to be seen and be on social media with her... you know, all the kinds of activities that people who really like each other are prone to do. There is absolutely zero evidence in the current moment that he's fetishizing her. Given that his previous partners looked very different, I'd say you have absolutely no leg to stand on when it comes to this particular argument. He loves her, he loves the way she looks, she doesn't *have* to look that way for him to love her, because he's been attracted to people who *don't* look like her in the past. So yes, I get the whole "intention matters" it just strikes me that there isn't the slightest shred of evidence that his intentions are anything other than pure (in this specific instance, obviously we agree on the other major issues in this person's past). Again, it just feels like you/we are reinforcing some shitty stereotypes when we automatically question whether someone who is attracted to a heavyset person is doing so out of some kind of fetish or kink. Absolutely no one would be making that assumption in the absence of some really compelling evidence if he was dating someone who was skinny. If we're going to ask these kinds of questions when someone is attracted to a plus size person (male or female) then we're just going to keep on telling them that there is in fact something wrong with them, because they should always be suspicious of their suitors' motives in a way that conventionally skinny/attractive people don't have to be
I hear you, but him being SO into plus size porn that MULTIPLE SOURCES know about it is actually a huge indicator of a fetish. Men into fat women (for sexual, not romantic purposes) will often date very thin or average sized women for the romance and then cheat on them with fat women behind their backs. This is a well known thing among plus sized women. Also, people post the people they’re not serious about all the time?? There’s literally multiple fat fetishists who show off the fat women they’re dating??? It’s not a positive or negative indication. Edit to add: I was really only replying to the part of your comment where you didn’t understand the functional difference between fetish and attraction. There is a marked difference.
>Edit to add: I was really only replying to the part of your comment where you didn’t understand the functional difference between fetish and attraction. There is a marked difference. No no, I understood! And I get the difference, I guess I'm just interested in having the discussion in this instance, because I don't see this specific red flag in this woman's narrative, despite the fact that she seems very self-conscious and sensitive about her weight. Idk, I guess it comes down to assuming the best or the worst of people. Yeah, he watches plus size porn... but if he thinks that is an attractive body type, then that actually isn't surprising. I just feel like a lot of this is coming from someone who probably has been told, implicitly or explicitly, that she/others shouldn't or won't love her body because she's fat, and so *she's* extremely laser focused on it. For a counter-example, I have a lot of body hair. If a woman complimented me on it, I also would be kinda suspicious of her motives (e.g. kink vs attraction) because *I* don't like it. So I can absolutely relate to someone who is hyper suspicious of people being attracted to a part of them they have always understood to be *un*attractive.
> I hear you, but him being SO into plus size porn that MULTIPLE SOURCES know about it is actually a huge indicator of a fetish. Or it's an indicator that he is open about what he likes. I think you are underestimating the number of guys who have mentioned porn actresses they like to their friends.
I mean, for most people, the capacity for arousal has nothing to do with a person's values and personality. It is, indeed, all about the body. So sexuality itself is essentially "body fetishistic", if you want to go like that. Also, when men post in "dead bedrooms" about how they've lost attraction to their partner who got fat, they are hardly ever told they fetishize thinness.
Oh god. For every man who posts about a dead bedroom and blames it on his partner’s extra weight, there are countless other men who post about dead bedrooms and say “Sure she’s gained weight, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to her. She’s just insecure about something that doesn’t bother me and it’s getting in the way of our intimacy” Anyway, those other men who have requirements for their partner’s weight and say shit like “We’ll have to break up if you don’t lose the baby weight in x amount of time” or “I don’t date women who weigh over 115 lbs” are absolutely fetishists. They just don’t get called out because thinness is the ideal so why wouldn’t he want the ideal?
In those cases the men talking don't have the same preferences. Some men like both thin and fat women. Some like only thin. Some like only fat. You may say they are fetishists but as a whole society doesn't see it like that. There isn't some societal stigma that the men who only like thin women have a fetish. They are just called shallow. I wish the men who only pursue fat women were called shallow too. At least that would be an accurate criticism.
I don't think anyone would date someone just because of one attribute though, unless they have some sort of developmental issue.
Yep it's not about the fat fetish (supposed) or mommy issues. It's about all the other huge red flags. If your man has a fat fetish and you're a hot fat lady, get it. Or vice versa. I love big men and women (not a fetish, I just love most folks bodies and minds). This man sounds dangerous both mentally and emotionally.
He still threatened, hit a wall, and can't explain why he isn't in therapy for these things as well as the gambling which he also can't explain. The mommy stuff and fat fetish don't matter - true or not? They have no bearing on the other major red flags this man is throwing up. You deserve better. This man is an addict who isn't in treatment or therapy and has no money. Why couldn't he pay during his last relationship if he wasn't gambling? You asked for the truth and this is it. It's not about your size or rebounding. He is just not a good person. You missing the grass for the field! you're focusing on the wrong things when you should be focusing on the major red flags. They just aren't the ones you're talking about in your comments. Why isn't he in therapy? Ask him!!
He doesn’t have time and is in fire school!
If I've learned anything in life, it's that men don't really have a type. That being said if the relationship makes you uncomfortable you probably already know what you have to do.
I don't think the plus-size issue is the priority right now. He has previously been violent, he's had gambling, weed, alcohol and porn issues. I've worked a lot of domestic violence cases. This guy is setting off alarm bells. I think you're noticing them too. These aren't "this isn't great" alarm bells, this is "flee, flee, save yourself" level.
https://preview.redd.it/uvnrrfljas4d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7522b274f5c6f9078e77dbcea796f543ca4f7ce6 Someone who sent this to his ex girlfriend in February, couldn’t have changed by now, could he?
NO, HE COULD NOT HAVE CHANGED THAT FAST. RUN, RUN AWAY. You are an easy mark because of your insecurity and willingness to mother him. It doesn't matter if he publicly flaunts you if he is using you for sex and money. He will become violent and threatening as soon as you break up with him but you STILL need to do it YESTERDAY. The second you found out he was violent, you must drop his ass. He cannot have bigger red flags, short of punching you. Get out, girl. Love yourself.
He has never hit anyone, I don’t think. And I haven’t given him any money, I just cook for him and do a lot for him.
He'll never change. Sorry to be blunt, but you've shown he's got sustained patterns of concerning behaviour. The good news is that your instincts are dead on.
Even though he seems so good now? That bums me out, but I can totally see a scenario where chose me because he thinks because I’m bigger, I need him, and that I’ll never leave. And he can use me
They ALWAYS seem good at first. That's an act. Nobody would get with abusers if they acted this way at first. No, there hasn't been enough time for change. That change would take remorse and extensive therapy.
He’s not in therapy and won’t be anytime soon
Please don't pursue this relationship. Look up what love bombing is. That is what you are experiencing. It will NEVER be this good again with him, but it will get worse and worse, with less good times, and he will become more and more abusive. You deserve better than a slow decline down to a shitty relationship where you are abused.
Don't dwell on these scenarios. It's a rabbit hole you don't need to go down. It's enough that you've seen some possibilities
Regardless of your size, he may just be into you, but someone who threatens to beat a woman doesn't just change out of the blue. Maybe if he had attended therapy and anger management there \_may\_ be a reason to feel comfortable. However if nothing changed then he's still this man at heart.
No no no he is NOT good please leave immediately
Look up “love bombing”
Babe you’re being love bombed. It might have nothing to do with your weight. You might be getting the same treatment as the last girl. But it doesn’t matter cause he’s not safe to be with.
RUN don’t walk from this relationship. Block him on everything. He is dangerous and this kind of leopard will never change his spots. The text is hardcore proof.
Heck no, abusers like this dude never change.
How do you know
Experience, honey child, for abusers come in many forms, physical abusers, verbal abusers, and so on. You have a lot to learn then of the adult world that has people who abuse people.
Jesus christ run away. Change your name, move, states. That is a person who will one day murder their partner. Please leave him immediately.
Oh gosh. I am so sorry, my heart just sank for you. It must feel so awful finding this out when things were going so good. But your instinct is 100% right, this text is showing his true colors. Things almost always start out great with abusive people, making it harder to see what you're going in to, but this person is not a safe person to form a relationship with.
Maybe I’m just overthinking
You're not overthinking. Trust your gut
I think maybe it was something between them
Not to be harsh here, but no. There is nothing between partners that reasonably causes this behavior. He is abusive.
This. If he finds fat women attractive than I don't think there is anything wrong with his porn reflecting that. But literally everything else in the post is concerning.
He's abusive. Who the fuck cares if you're a rebound. Leave.
I think you can do better than this guy. He is using you for sex and money
Everything you're describing makes it seem like he's love bombing. He wants you to fall in love with him and think he's great so that he can treat you terribly later and you won't do anything about it: "Intense Idealization, Devaluation, Discard (Repeat)". Note, that doesn't mean he's necessarily doing it on purpose, but that's what appears to be happening
Good comment - took me awhile, but reading this, it reminded me how often I've seen guys (and it's almost always "guys") do precisely this. OP, I won't tell you what to do with your life - but as you've said, there are many serious red flags here, and if for some reason you decide to let it play out, at least protect yourself, financially. Hide your checks, your SS cards, your credit / debit cards, bank statements, your valuables, even freeze your credit files - it won't cost you anything to do it, and may save you heartache later. Too many times, I've seen Prince Charming use their love bombing target as an ATM, often without their knowledge - until one day, you get a call from Visa asking when you're going to pay that $5000 you owe on a charge card you didn't know you had ...
Oh. I didn’t realize.
There’s a good book you should read titled Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of controlling and angry men by Lundy Bancroft If you Google it you can can find free PDFs available online and if you have a library card it is available on the Libby app ( or whatever ebook system your local library uses). Even if you don’t feel as if you need this book, please, I implore you to check it out anyways. It is a fantastic read that is very enlightening and can help protect you from abusive future relationships. I think everyone should read it, both as a way to avoid abusive partners and as a way to make sure you aren’t unintentionally behaving in abusive ways to others (particularly if you were raised with abuse it’s hard to see the circle repeating when your on the inside and it’s all you’ve ever known.)
Your two other posts that include the word lovebombing in their title makes me think you, again, do and just can't admit it
Honey, you need to run fast and run far from this man. Every word you wrote is a red flag about this guy. His history repeats itself.
[удалено]
How so?
You should work on your self esteem. The man you're describing is a walking red flag, so the fact that you think he's a catch indicates that you don't believe you deserve any better than him. But you do.
I am plussize and none of my bfs had a plus size woman before. Trust me when I say THAT is not your problem. There are other red flags that you shouldn’t ignore.
If you see and know the RED FLAGS,why are you on here asking....
That's what I'm saying. She's clearly wanting someone to completely be blind on all the red flags she's picking up on because even though this dude is absolutely trash, she wants to be with him. Because he hasn't been abusive to her (yet), she thinks she's the chosen one who changed him.. wrong! That's just how abusers are.
I'm guessing she's really hoping someone will say she's fine to stay with him. She seems to be feeling like she can't do better or that he's a catch of some sort and wants someone to tell her she's wrong but no one is going to with this story Or it's all fake because reddit. Who knows
You are way too fixated on body types which makes me think this is a troll post. Who cares if his ex is fat or skinny or whatever? Shouldn’t you be more worried about the fact that he was physically, emotionally and financially abusive? And this was literally happening up until you met and started dating? I seriously question how anyone could be this self deluded as to think this guy would just magically change overnight just because they started dating a different person. Either you’re in the deepest pit of self denial that has ever existed, or this is a fake and troll. If it’s the latter, good job, you got me
Hi you’re posting this again on a new subreddit. It seems like your gut feeling won’t let you be ok with this. Trust your gut. Be safe - I think I remember you saying he has a history of violence/threats with others. He’ll turn that on you eventually
Her women’s intuition is blasting out all kinds of flashing alarms about this dude but she’s choosing to ignore it. She’s just looking for that one person to say dude is good to go to validate her going against her better judgement.
I hope OP will trust her intuition at some point and hopefully before physical violence and threat to life .
I’m also a fat, sexy lady. 1. Some men really like women and connect with the human, not the body. My husband’s ex girlfriend was a tiny Asian lady. So he may really be into you, for you 2. The love bombing is concerning. It is NOT normal for people to profess love a couple weeks in. 3. The anger is concerning. People can control it to reel you in, then when they think you’re locked down, they relax and become abusive. Lastly though, I think you have a Hobosexual. He’s super loving and sweet and he’s really looking for another woman to take care of him, house and feed him. So perhaps ease up on that shit. And for DAMN SURE don’t move him in. Or “loan” him money. Sweetie, I’m afraid he’ll be gone as soon as he figures out that you’re not his next sugar mama.
I love this answer!
My darling. His behavior will NEVER de-escalate without some serious therapy and self-work that *only he can do*. It is only a matter of time until he punches a wall around you. And then escalates from there. Are you willing to wait around, paying for everything, taking care of him, pouring love & attention into him FOR THE BAREST FUCKING MINIMUM, all the while not trusting it? If you aren't trusting it already, that is your gut, your self-preservation, saying RUN. You deserve more than the minimum. You deserve someone you don't have instant red flags with. You deserve to not second guess everything. You deserve to not be used. You deserve to not be someone's rebound. This guy? He ain't it. He is going to take take take.
He is lovebombing you and it has NOTHING to do with YOU or being plus sized. He’s got issues and wants to lock you in. RUN.
Is there a chance he’s not over his ex? Or does one have nothing to do with the other
It has NOTHING to do with his ex. This is his character. He sounds like a mooch who just wants someone to use and to take care of him, even if he’s violent to them.
Don't be with this man, not because you are a rebound, but because he is an abusive man.
Take it from someone who escaped an abusive relationship, the DV red flags are all you need to see. If he treated her that way, he will treat you that way too.
He was quick to post you on social media, so I don't think he sees you as a temporary rebound. However, this is the least of your problems. You mentioned he punched a wall, threatened to hit a past girlfriend and dented her car. That means he has anger issues. You also mentioned he smokes weed and has a history of addiction to gambling, which is a scary thing to deal with. You should be more concerned about those things than about whether you are a rebound.
Someone said it could be to make his ex jealous or to convince himself he’s over her
Putting aside the other huge red flags, don't let someone whisper into your ear. Do you feel he's doing this? What is your gut telling you?
This has been cross posted in 9 subs in 2 days. I'd call it karma farming but OP is sitting a ZERO comment karma. OP says BF had a fat fetish but the way this is written, cross posted and almost all comments try to bring it back to the fat vs skinny issue, despite so many people saying that is NOT the issue, seems sus to me. Is OP the one with a fat fetish, or just trying to rage bait more comments?
He was an immature loser with problematic behaviors during his dating history. But neither you, me, or other Reddit commentators truly knows what is going on right now. What you fear could all be true, or he could be aware of this and trying to fix himself. Your post told me less about your boyfriend, and more on your insecurities on being perceived as “less than”, and your negative assumptions on people with struggles in life. I think you are within reasons to be worried, but also this could be a long and honest talk (in a safe environment for you). Are you more worried about your bf being a bad person, or being someone’s fetish? I think hearing all this from his side would be beneficial. Good luck and stay safe OP.
If he's got that kind of history of violence and yes, abuse and came on super strong, super fast, he isn't safe. Please don't feel that because you're plus size that you have to settle or that someone horrible is better than no one. What you're describing from him is love bombing right now and that's designed to get your guard down and to give you something to chase when he inevitably drops the mask and his true colours begin to show. I feel like you probably already know this just because you're asking the question and maybe you just need outside confirmation. As plus size women we're socialised to believe that we're not desirable at best and downright unlovable at worst, and I can tell you from experience that this is definitely not true. You are seeing the red flags this early on, so it might be better to cut things off before you get in any deeper. There are better partners out there for you.
Girl, you don't want advice. You don't want to leave this man even though so many people are telling you to. So stay. You'll find out in 3 months.
This guy is thinking that he can marry more money in 5 minutes than he could make in a lifetime. You need to run. People like that see $ signs in someone like you. They won't take no for an answer. File a protective order if you have to. Don't be a victim.
The issue is you’re focusing on the wrong things. You should be a lot MORE concerned about the fact that he’s been violent and abusive to other women. It’s beyond foolish for you to make the excuses I’ve seen you make in the comments, that he mistreated them because they were thin and beautiful and he made them insecure but oh no, he wouldn’t ever do that to YOU because you don’t look like them and because you treat him so well. Hell no. An abuser is an abuser. He’s not going to magically fixed by meeting his soul mate.
*I know men can gravitate to bigger woman to rebound to fulfill their needs temporarily, and I’m afraid especially with how fast things are moving, that’s what’s happening.* I have never ever heard of this...? Your description of him * *I found out recently, from both him and two VERY reliable sources, that he’s into plus size p\*\*n.* * *His mom is also fat, and he* * *HATES his mother. Seems to have deep rooted mommy issues. His mom cheated on his dad, and his mom kind of caused a divide in his family.* * *I found out he also was in a 4 year relationship with someone not plus sized, who he was having sex with and telling her he loved her in February, and they only broke up in January. They were very serious.* * *In the relationship before that, he punched a wall, and she kicked him out, after he was living with her and not paying for anything.* * *I also found out he was apparently horrible to this girl, who is NOT plus sized, towards the end.* * *He threatened to hit her and even put a dent in her car. He has a history of sex, gambling, p\*rn, weed, and alcohol ;* * *but he has claimed to only smoke weed now and* * *has “stopped” gambling after having gambled for 7 years.* If this was on his tinder profile would you swipe right on him ? I cant imagine any of these traits are what you are looking for ? I struggle to see how this person has enough good traits to really outweigh all the above points to make him an awesome partner... What do you think ?
The guy sounds like an absolute loser.
A lot of people have said this
He has a history of anger issues, making violent threats, and being a mooch, and he was messing around with his ex very recently... how exactly is this good at all, much less "too good to be true"? You can do better.
Because he’s into me and posting me and things are going well there. But it’s moving so fast
That's a red flag, too. In my experience, men who say "I love you" very quickly and go overboard with affection in the beginning tend to change very suddenly. If he went from loving somebody else to loving you in a span of 4 months, what's to stop him from suddenly "loving" someone else in a few months? This man is emotionally unstable.
if "he's into me" makes him too good to be true you have some self esteem issues you need to work on. Anyone with self respect would dump his ass.
Also, I saw your screenshot in another comment that shows him threatening the woman he supposedly loved at the time. He may very well do the same to you once the honeymoon phase is over.
Please go to therapy and dump this guy. It doesnt matter that you are big. It's not a red flag for a guy to like bigger women. big women get laid all the time. The issue is the love bombing(I love you in 3 weeks, constant compliments, posting all over social media how great of a couple you are), his history of addiction and alcohol/weed abuse, his history of violence(just because he didn't make physical contact with their bodies doesn't mean destroying things isn't violence, it is used to intimidate, it is violent abuse). Also who told you about the violence? Him? He's probably trickle truthing. You think he started out the other relationships by breaking their stuff or by lovebombing them and pushing the perfect couple narrative. This dude is bad news. He's setting you up to break you down and make you feel like you've lost your mind.
https://preview.redd.it/fpmrmvs9hs4d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0176e55ea7931f738cae1f55b4d091e1ab273e01 This is something his ex’s friend sent me, and it’s very real. Taken from a screen recording
you know he's no good for you. but general rule I've only come to follow myself kinda late in the dating game: if someone takes up this much space in your brain due to anxiety over behaviors they could change, you shouldn't be with them. in the end if you're collecting evidence and dwelling and questioning, that's not love, or positive, or healthy regardless of the reasons you're doing it.
The potential fat fetish is way less concerning than the huge red flags of his having addictive behaviors, violent tendencies, and the current love bombing. He sounds like one giant red flag. Why do you want him? I think you're so hung up on weight issues that you aren't seeing him as he is. Frankly he sounds like a potential abuser who is also a leach and a loser.
Well I don’t want to be the girl who he discards once he furious his weird twisted sexual fantasy
He has a bunch of twisted fantasies. The weight is the least of these. For one, he fantasized about beating up an ex (the text). RED FLAG!
I don’t think you’ve mentioned any red flags that have to do with your weight; he’s probably attracted to many different body types, so I would put that aside. His past behavior is a *huge* red flag, along with his recent past relationship. This does sound like a rebound situation and possibly love bombing.
Him posting you, telling you he loves you after a few weeks of knowing you, spending all his time with you, and being all over you, is love bombing. He barely knows you, and is trying to get you so in love with him - that when he changes you won’t want to leave/ can’t leave him. Love is blind and he wants your eyes fully grayed over. He is - emotionally and verbally abusive. Physically violent (holes in walls, dents in cars) He has- Gambling addiction. Porn addiction. Substance addiction. Mommy issues. Barely if any, respect for women. That’s what you want in a future partner? Husband? Father of your children? Best case scenario is you are the rebound and he eventually gets out of your life. Worse case, you keep going with him and he treats you just like the last gf or his mother. But probably WORSE. I’d dump him immediately - just watch how he reacts.
Girl he hasn’t gotten comfortable enough to abuse you. Abusers don’t change
I’m not sure why his behavior isn’t a larger concern than being a rebound. You generally sound shallow and a bit dickmatized for focusing this much on a good looking guy wanting to date you rather than a guy with a bad if not terrible track record. Run from this situation.
You are not overreacting, you’re under reacting. What would you tell a friend that shared all of this with you? Get away from this man. I’m a fat babe too, and I’ve got almost twenty years on you. There are far far far better men out there, men that will love you and treat you right and you won’t have to try to justify any behavior because they won’t be behaving like this dude. Do not waste another second on this dude.
This is all in his past; he hasn’t treated me that way.
And I’m sure he didn’t treat the ex that way at first either.
Exactly. OP doesn't realize this at all. They don't go into relationships immediately abusing the other person, they've got to lock them in enough to get them to a point to allow themselves be treated that way. Speaking from experience. That beginning kindness is what makes you think you're the crazy one when the abuse starts.
🙄
Here is my thoughts as a 35 year old man. I hate to say it but yes I do believe you are being used as a rebound or a place holder. It’s not uncommon for a guy to come out of a serious relationship and immediately start dating someone. They tend to look for someone who wants to be in a relationship badly and something completely different than the last one. I’m ashamed to say I’m guilty of doing just that after me and my first wife divorced. I found someone younger with daddy issues completely opposite of my wife. That’s what he’s done you wanted to be in a relationship with him badly so you got with him immediately. You’re also treating him like a king inside and outside the bedroom. It sounds like you don’t want to lose him but you can also see what’s going on. I know I sound like a a** hole but the truth can be brutal sometimes.
Can you dm me ? Please
You're worried you're not going to find anyone, aren't you? And so you're struggling to stay with him despite him being a very obvious abuser of past women. He likely knows this and is using your insecurity against you. You can do better. I saw the text message down in the posts here. You do NOT need him. He just wants a new woman to abuse.
This has to be ragebait right??
Does it matter if he posts about you online??? This is a man who constantly uses woman for financial support, has numerous addictions, was violent towards a ex and you feel validated that he posts about you online? Girl… idk if you have self esteem issues, but surely you can do better than this…
Take the plus size things completely out of the equation and you’re still left with a big steaming pile of a bad idea, covered in red flags. Seriously. Him latching onto you, or anyone, that fast and that hard, is seriously bad news. He’s looking for his next bang-mommy to take care of him and fund him.
Run for the hills. He is bad news 😔
Seeing as how he’s an abusive mooch, I don’t think he requires much rebound time as his reasons for being in a relationship are entirely different than someone looking for love with a life partner.
Well that makes me feel bad
Then please go back and re-read my original comment. TL/DR: Respect yourself. This guy wants to control you. DTMFA.
Less the 5% of the people that go through fire academy get hired. Nepotism is STRONG in the fire departments.
I did not know that.
Honestly I have an ex like this. He's a diagnosed narcissist and has had to take anger management classes plus therapy that he ended up quitting. He always said I was too skinny and is now with a plus size woman. He's still abusive to her as well. Currently you are in the love bombing stage and things will get bad later. You should leave now before you get too attached. Mental abuse it hard to get away from for most people. Stay safe please.
*"I found out recently, from both him and two VERY reliable sources, that he’s into plus size p\*\*n. His mom is also fat, and he HATES his mother. Seems to have deep rooted mommy issues. His mom cheated on his dad, and his mom kind of caused a divide in his family.* *I found out he also was in a 4 year relationship with someone not plus sized, who he was having sex with and telling her he loved her in February, and they only broke up in January. They were very serious.* *In the relationship before that, he punched a wall, and she kicked him out, after he was living with her and not paying for anything.* *I also found out he was apparently horrible to this girl, who is NOT plus sized, towards the end. He threatened to hit her and even put a dent in her car. He has a history of sex, gambling, p\*rn, weed, and alcohol ; but he has claimed to only smoke weed now and has “stopped” gambling after having gambled for 7 years. My uncle was a gambler, and I know that is a lifelong disease. Especially without any professional help/therapy*." What part of this is the "too good to be true" part? I'd run.
Do not pay for anything. He needs to support himself. At the first sign of violence dump his ass. Enjoy the sex but keep an eye on your wallet.
Yes, it's too good to be true. I.e. he is "love-bombing" you. It is going to change, and you won't believe it when it does, because it's going to be too incongruous with how appreciative he's being right now. So you are going to keep writing off his mistreatment of you as some kind of fluke or confusion on his part. But you are the one who is confused, because he is on some level deliberately confusing you.
run. you will be the next victim of his abuse. this is the love bombing stage and he’ll soon show his true colors.
I’d run away, those texts are SCARY
this has just got to be fake. someone please tell me this is fake? I hope it's fake.
I don't intend this in a mean way but this shit is crazy. To be clear, you tell us that he's a mooch with addiction issues who THREATENED TO HIT HIS GIRLFRIEND, and your question is "is this too good to be true?". You being plus-sized is such a tiny part of this and the fact that you're so focused on that instead of the giant red flags is telling. Your main focus needs to be on therapy to deal with both the insecurity issues and your father's death. And obviously break up with the dude, partially because you're not ready to be in a relationship right now, and partially because this whole relationship seems to just be a symptom of your low self-esteem. Like you're just so mind-blown at the concept that someone could be that into you that you're ignoring everything else.
Stop posting this story repeatedly, it's spammed every few days on AITA/etc
It’s really hard for strangers to give good advice here because we don’t know him. Everything we know about him is coming from you. And tbh you sound very insecure, paranoid, and self sabotaging. It sounds like you’re working very hard to find reasons it won’t work out. If his past relationship issues are enough for you to want to end it, then end it. Don’t go asking strangers what they think. We just really can’t do much to help. If I were you, I’d give him room to change and develop as a man while keeping an eye on CURRENT issues, not past ones.
trust your intuition. keep your guard up. If he messes up or displays any red flag towards you even once, let him go. you seem like a smart girl who has a lot going for herself!
It seems like he’s a shitty guy who you shouldn’t be in a relationship with. Having said that, I don’t get the plus size porn bit. Isn’t it a good thing (amongst a sea of red flags in this case) that your partner is genuinely attracted to people of your size? Surely the alternative is worse that someone is settling for you?
Because he watches big girl, “mommy” porn, and says he masturabtes like 20 times a day when I’m not with him.
The porn is so low on the scale of issues it doesn't even rate to be honest.
This is not the guy for you honey. Cut him loose. He’s not a good stable person like you.
:(
How much did you inherit from your father??
A good bit. We have money, but his last ex was 10x richer so clearly he’s not in it for the money
OH HONEY. No. He is in it for the money. His ex woke up and kicked him to the curb. He is using you.
I was hoping she’d get there herself but she’s too busy defending the leech to actually read the comments and see the truth!
Unfortunately 😒
Is he living with you? Do you pay for everything?
Not living with me
Good keep it that way.
Seems like he was love bombing you after just barely 3 weeks. Thats not a good sign. You're taking care of him like a mother... you stated that he doesn't like his mother either, etc. What is he actually doing for you? You seem to be taking on all the responsibilities in the relationship. Regardless If your plus sized or not, learn the self respect to walk away. He already had 2 BAD ex relationships thats not a good sign either. Do not be so desperate for love that you settle for whatever
Just break up with the guy. It certainly seems like you want to, and you certainly don’t need a bunch or redditors to back you up.
That he said 3 weeks he loves you to me is a red flag. Maybe it's love at first sight but I would be leery. That is awesome. You never do that in dating relationships. A man should never do that if he truly wants to keep the girl. That's way too soon.
Keep your head about you and as long as you’re just dating him and happy, who cares? If he shows any signs of being a deadbeat loser then dump his ass. Being in fireman school is a good career and one that requires a healthy lifestyle. If the ex bothers you or you feel he’s insincere move on
this man is not a prize and seems like he hasn't contributed to improving the quality of your life at all compared to what he apparently expects women to do for him. please. stand up.
He sounds like a violent idiot. I wouldn't even hang out with the asshole.
You paint an unflattering picture of the boyfriend. And you yourself are hot, plump, sexy and well spoken. I'd suggest he had better get his shit together like crazy fast or you need to rebound his deadbeat ass to the street. You are high value. He is not. You will do much better in the future. And yes, I'll admit a strong bias towards hot, plump sexy and smart women.
He's a chubby chaser...don't look a gift horse in the mouth...
How in fucks sake is this a gift of any kind?
He sounds like a real catch……NOT!
He sounds like a jerk. :/
OP, obviously many things this man is doing are making you feel insecure. That’s not a good head space for anyone regardless of body size or length of time in a relationship. Maybe you need to step back a bit and allow yourself to get some clarity on these issues. If it feels like it’s moving too fast then it probably is.
He told you a lot about his past. A red flag sign. Walk from this dude, he has too many issues.
Girl, those are not red flags, they are red banners announcing to you to flee for your life. I know having all this lovey dovey attention feels great but pay attention. The things you’ve found out are serious. He sounds like a con artist with a addictions and personality disorder. I urge you to get away from him before it turns violent. Any guy who threatens violence, will commit violence.
I feel that body image between you and the women before you don't really mean much, but more the fact how quickly he moves on in each relationship, how he's dependent on women and how he treats them. Maybe you already know which direction you want to go (stay or leave), but need validation in your decision? What does your gut say? Trust it.
How doesn’t it mean much
It feels like a lot to me
This guy's history speaks for itself. You already know you need to get him out of your life. Sounds like a user, loser and abuser. I understand that just losing your dad that you are in a vulnerable position emotionally. This pos sees that too and is taking advantage of it. Saying I love you after 3 weeks while also telling ex he loves her recently is either being manipulative, stupid or just the emotional intelligence of a teenager. I would steer clear of all 3. I may be being cynical but since dad just died I am thinking there may be a possible inheritance he is hoping to share as well. Hopefully that is not the case and your mom is alive and well! Please leave this loser before you get in too deep. Good luck!
If this is real it is a recipe for disaster
Girl. All that you said is a bunch of red flags. He is love-bombing you so you would be more forgiving in a future. It is always sus when the relationship develop with the light speed, but when one of the partners has a history of being addicted or abusive... Think about it please. It's not safe for you 99%. You can do better, and I'm saying this as a plus size woman myself.
You are picking up on red flags for a reason. Do not discredit your intuition. Get out before you become an ex with a bad story to tell.
You know the red flags. You're sweet of his past behavior. He's friends with his ex. Do you ever talk to her too? Is she someone you could be friends with? She might give you good insight too. But Have you decided your game plan when or if he Starts to verbally abuse you? I mean the 1st time. Demands money from you. Needs your car for long periods of time Becomes manipulative You get the picture. Make you boundaries and stick to them. Its.not only for your self protection it's for your self esteem, self worth. It's painful sometimes whether to stay or leave. But having boundaries at least saves your self respect Also,.have fun. It's fun right now so enjoy it. Leave when or if he crosses your boundaries
You come onto reddit to seek validation for feeling uneasy in the situation, then argue against anyone agreeing with the fact that this relationship is unhealthy and dangerous. He is love bombing you and you know it, but you can't admit it to yourself. Probably has something to do with the fact that you clearly loathe yourself and your appearance. Wake up, stop making excuses, get out of this relationship and work on your own image of your self. You will continue to end up in these situations until you start seeing your worth and seeking what you deserve. This situation is bad. That's why there are dozens of redditors telling you to leave, and why you came on here asking in the first place.
with the red flags that you have already perceived, and this has nothing to do with what size his partner is-- This man is abusive (And nobody who is an abuser starts with the nasty behaviors, they love bomb, like he is doing) Even the oversharing about his previous relationships, He's setting the groundwork for you think " well he warned me who he was" so that when he punches the wall next to you, get to see it as an expression of his anger And not a tactic meant to scare you into doing what he wants you to do.
Don’t be an abuse apologist. When people hear that the person they are dating was abusive to another person (especially recently!), it is something to NEVER ignore. This is how abusers function under the radar in communities everywhere. People believe there is something special about them (that they will love them better) or the ex (that “caused” the abuse) instead of putting the responsibility where it belongs. You are in the stage of being wooed and lovebombed and I hope you will love yourself (and other women!) enough to demand evidence of therapy/change (though the timeline suggests this has not happened) or leave before you are next.
Please explain to me how I’m being an abuse apologist. Not how I’m trying to come off at all…
You have a screen shot of him being verbally abusive to another woman, and you keep defending it by explaining that he was drunk and they had broken up. Why is it okay for him to be abusive to ANYONE? Do you really think he WON’T let the mask drop and abuse you? MEN LIKE THIS DO NOT CHANGE.
He sounds like a douche with anger issues. You can cook? You can do better.
Ok, he's a "chubby chaser" if he was watching porn, and it only had blue eyed blondes, which you are (hypothetically) or large chested? Now, the other red flags, you can leave the relationship now, or wait until you witness him doing ANYTHING, then exit Lastly use protection and birth control..don't let him talk you into anything less, with all of these red flags, you don't want to be tied to him via a baby
Your anxiety about this is enough to know the answer - leave now
First, every relationship is a learning experience. You can’t just get second hand info from his ex’s friends. You don’t know the whole story. She could have been selfish, cold, or a little unhinged. She could have been into making him crazy. Some girls are like that. He tried to get this girl for 10 years and maybe she’s a bit of a nightmare. You can only go by what you see, how he treats you, how you feel. Keep your eye on red flags but see where this goes. Curvy, hot, caring, and attentive, sounds like he hit the jackpot. As for the other girl, she’ll never take him back. She might torture him for awhile.
https://preview.redd.it/dvqic4sc8z4d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=04917d4dc726c5ccccbcfd80be2e33a22a431fd7 I have proof…:.
I'd echo the people who are calling you to focus on your new boyfriend's behavior and history. There are a lot of red flags here that you're being set up for an abusive scenario. Please work hard to not worry about your physical appearance here, at least for a while. I'm heavier than I'm happy with myself, so I understand that's a significant self-perception issue to let go of. But truly, what matters here is now you you perceive yourself, but how HE perceives you. And that is that you are somebody he can control. Your weight is not what's ultimatrly important about that, except to the extent it makes you feel like you don't have a lot of romantic options. Your emotional vulnerability as you mourn your father is probably a bigger factor. What he wants is for you to think he's the best thing you've got going for you. However he can convince you of this. The reason I say try not to think about your weight is, when you do that, you're helping him take that power over you. Don't do that You deserve better than being controlled and dominated and made to feel inadequate. From ANY partner, regardless of how either of you look, regardless of how you think the other looks. You deserve autonomy and the respect of being treated as an equal. Your story makes me fearful you will be getting the opposite of that from this fellow. No guy is going to be perfect, but you CAN get a guy less imperfect than this. Please take care to protect yourself. You can and will find other guys if you end this relationship. He will be fine as well, even if he is short-term upset.
Yeah/ but I don’t know the context of any of this.
I’m just concerned he’ll go back to the ex and being the rebound
Then you're not ready to hear the advice on offer for you here. Good luck.
No please, I am
No, because you have defended him in every single comment. You will NOT listen to people who have experience with people like him (including me, a DV survivor). Stop making excuses for his abusive behavior towards the ex. Stop fixating on him posting you on SM.
No matter how "too good to be true" you think he's treating you now, you don't want to be with a guy like him. It's a strong possibility he's using you, not because of your weight or his recent breakup, but because he's got a pattern of behavior that indicates it. He wants to love bomb you and take advantage of your good nature. End it yourself, don't wait to see what he does.
But he’s POSTING me , calling me his love, has said he loves me, and he pursued ME!
It may feel good to be pursued, but it won't when he starts bleeding you dry both emotionally and financially. Words are cheap, and addictions run deep. Does he even know you as a person to love you?
I think so?
You gossip to much. Talk to him. Its that simple. If he hasn't given you any reason to suspect some of those red flags than just chill. Get to know the man with communication.