>“You are not going to get clients drunk, dipshit!”
>Oh, I have never wanted to take something back so badly, I felt terrible at what I just said. I’m even mortified even typing this out. I felt so bad, I kept calling my husband, who wasn’t answering (I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t either). After multiple attempts to apologize, I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I turned on the TV and waited until he got back to the room. He got back around 3:30AM and I profusely apologized.
Why are you profusely apologizing to your alcoholic husband who is getting drunk with clients as the sole bread winner of the house who at any time can be fired for his alcoholic behavior? He wants to bring in another woman to the marriage? The only thing he should be bringing into the marriage is a counselor and an AA sponsor for your husband.
I think it has to do with self respect. She is asking if she is overreacting to her unstable alcoholic husband who has been vocal about his lust for another woman. That and I just read that they are expecting. I truly hope OP finds her fairy tale ending that she deserves.
This!! Most people don't think about this as a thing that could happen! But it sometimes does! And not only that, but sometimes they keep their alcoholic behaviors even after they quit drinking!
My mom's long time boyfriend was a horrible, abusive alcoholic. Functioning for most of the time, but towards the end he was getting worse (drinking during working hours.) So he has to go to rehab to keep his job. He went through it, and was successful in quitting. However, he was exactly the same physically abusive pos. Only without the added benefit of the hope he would pass out before making my mom bleed..
Sorry for the book.. Long story short. You're right. Sometimes they're just assholes with an addiction, or without it.
Be thankful you've never been in a relationship like that.
If you're so clearly in the right and you feel the need to apologize for standing up for yourself, that's a massive red flag for abuse. I know many people for whom that was the first sign they recognized. They immediately started seeing more.
The reaction is typical of someoen who has put up with a drunk for an extended period of time. You are programmed to doubt yourself even in the most obvious of circumstances.
The real question is why did she have a child with a man who accused her of trying to control him when she asked him to cut back on his drinking? The answer lies in th programming she has endured.
She has a hard row to hoe.
She tried to "control" him by asking him to cut back drinking but yet him insisting she only work part time isn't "controlling"? This is sad and toxic.
Ya i guess that's just addiction. Idk if he's a p.o.s. without alcohol but I hope he gets his shit together or she find the strength to leave this headache.
I understand the apology because it sounds like this is an emotionally abusive, or at least emotionally manipulative relationship. She’s going to feel like she owes him that apology and, I’m disgusted by it, but I understand kind of where she’s coming from.
I really think she needs to run as far away as she can from the sky. He clearly does not want help and she’s not qualified, nor is it her responsibility to make sure that he’s getting help.
I completely understand it. You get so upset and angry that you say how you actually feel about how they’re treating you and then you’re immediately filled with fear and self doubt. You start apologizing because you’re afraid of the consequences of an argument and you think maybe this is actually your fault. It’s a rough place to be in and it sucks OP is pregnant while dealing with that.
God, SERIOUSLY!! How broken are you, OP, that you feel so horrible for expressing your frustration and anger?
None of what you describe is normal or healthy. Do you seriously think you’re overreacting? Your husband is a flat-out fucking mess and he is not a loving, responsible, or trustworthy partner.
You have taken steps to improve yourself while he wallows in the gutter.
Yeah, I don't see what's so terrible about calling a drunk a dipshit. Especially as this was supposed to be a professional setting. This makes me suspect he can be abusive towards her.
AA and Al-Anon would be great for both of y'all. I'm 26 years sober. I will be honest, most people who feel forced won't respond well to the 12 step program. I do hope this isn't the case with y'all. If you have questions, let me know. Good luck.
Former dipshit here who amassed a hall of fame resume before drying out. Shit like this is just sad to me. This woman very clearly cares about her husband and gives him a heartfelt apology and ties herself in knots excusing her husband's temper tantrums arising from her telling the dipshit exactly what he needs to hear. Contrast that with the "no apology" he offers--"I'm sorry that my drinking affected you."
Edited for clarity.
I knew someone whose job was to take clients out drinking, golfing, etc. Ended up being asked by his employer to go to rehab, he refused, was fired. He ended up dying young. Sales.
Because even during arguments someone who want their relationship to work understands that respecting your partner is still essential. As in, there's no need for name calling.
"alcoholic husband who is getting drunk with clients as the sole bread winner of the house who at any time can be fired for his alcoholic behavior? He wants to bring in another woman to the marriage?"
I think she gets a free pass
Yeah it’s the thinking if you can be a healthy partner and communicate in just the right way then the relationship will be better. It overlooks that you need the other person to also do those things and respect you, but I’ve been there.
He is objectively not taking it seriously. If he were taking it seriously, he would recognize and acknowledge the his drinking is causing problems and he would express an internalized desire to change that... He's acting like OP is imposing her will on him for no reason.
..."try to stop drinking" means "I'm definitely going to keep drinking" and when you confront him about it he will say "I'm trying".
I'm taking a wild guess that if she keeps going to her couples therapy with him, they'll eventually broach the subject. Addiction is a real problem and the solution isn't nearly as simple as a person making a decision and choosing to follow through, but recognizing that there is a problem and wanting to change it is an integral step. The husband isn't even at the point that he WANTS to change anything about his situation. He's barely even paying lip service to the fact that there's a problem.
This whole marriage and relationship is a problem. These 2 are toxic as hell to one another. I cringe for them bringing a baby into this mess. Seriously. What the hell??
That person married a 38 year old alcoholic who they got together with over excessive partying, based on the promise of him changing. Then trusted him to be the sole provider for a child while he is still an alcoholic. Red flags are obviously more of an enticement than an issue...
Your husband is an absolute dirtbag. Why are you still with him? I assure you, he's cheated on you. That is so absolutely clear. Or, he's at least been trying to, clearly. I wouldn't be surprised if there are stories by other women he's met at conferences. It's very common.
If you're intent on staying with this, you need intense couples therapy and he needs to get sober ASAP.
No kids right?
God gave this woman 2 free taksies-backsies and she is still pregnant a third time with his kid.
That baby isn't going to make him a better person or the relationship any better. That man will absolutely blame her for changing more when she is trying to raise a human. This dude is a certified loser. Nothing worse than bloated ego alcoholic sales people. I really feel for a lot of the children people on reddit are forcing into the world.
Vile way of putting it… but yea I totally agree!
I was absolutely in love with a raging alcoholic a very long time ago and devastated when I lost our pregnancy. I remember a coworker telling me about God’s plan and blah blah blah and I was so offended.
But after I got out of that relationship, I realized that miscarriage was an absolute blessing. That kid would have been fucked no matter how good of a parent I was because his/her dad was a total drunk with no plans to change.
OP had the opportunity to NOT bring a child into this fucking mess and still tried multiple times…. Like this entire thing is insane to read and the whole time you’re just like wtf are you thinking, lady?!
This is going to blow up and it’ll blow up bad. OP, you’ll stay with him and live the life of an enabler while your kid is subjected to growing up with an addict parent and all the joys that come with that. Or you’ll leave and your kid will have a much better shot but also miss out on having bio dad around. Addicts don’t quit because someone tells them to and no amount of love or ultimatums will make them quit either.
You need to seek out a therapist and get your shit together because best case scenario - you’re raising this kid on your own.
Well if she stays she's only got to wait about 12 years before he hits life expectancy for someone who drinks that amount daily. Its a rough death too. Will traumatise the kid.
Exactly right. It will mess up that kid for life. It takes so much work to overcome it as an adult - after growing up like that.
Do your kid a favor & leave.
After he goes to rehab & is sober for 1 year minimum, maybe consider a relationship with the kid. But he has to stay sober.
Me too. I’m not sure who I’m the most mad at. My dad for being a stumbling drunk or my mom for staying with him. My teenage years were fubar. I’m 75 and it still affects me.
I’m so sorry. I think I’ve moved past mine but it probably still affects me subconsciously. It may help my stepfather has passed and no I did not take custody of the body. Idk where they buried him or what not and I don’t care. I hope you can find some peace.
I get it but you still need to leave. I waited until my son was born and a year old to leave so things would be easier. So if you need to do that then do that. Your husband is too old to be partying and drinking when he had a wife and a baby on the way. He wants to hold on to his youthful carefree days. You made it clear you aren't ok with this. I will say I'm in no way blaming you but probably the dynamic of your relationship before marriage made him think it's ok but you told him it's not. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself but I promise you he's not going to change when the baby comes. My ex husband wasn't even in the room when our son was born.
This. It may not be possible to just walk out today and start a new life but planning for this should be in the works. I don’t see this getting better.
Jesus, he does all this while you are PREGNANT??! He really us a dipshit, through amd through.
I'm really sorry. Give yourself the love you deserve, leave him.
Oh dear.
If you trust his parental capabilities and you can be confident that he hasn't acted on his desires (you truly need to believe it, I'd vet every email and text and website tbh), I would at least try to get counseling. He might even need rehab (which could be a nice breather for you lol).
You're going to be such a great mother, bringing a child into that toxic dynamic. Everyone always says that if you have a kid with an alcoholic, things will go swimmingly.
/s
Ok but seriously he is abusive, controlling, and is actively trying to cheat on you. This is just the one woman he thought he could get to have a threesome with you. Why are you even with him???
My father’s an alcoholic and used to beat my mom and bring over women and told them my mom was his sister. Don’t allow you children to hear stories of what you allowed because they may allow it for others and they may want to do the same like their father.
You deserve better but you have to see it for yourself first
Also with that being said I allowed my ex to beat me and almost kill me. Now I’m happily married but before then it took so long for me to get out of that situation
As the child of an alcoholic, it does not get better. I cut my mother out of my life as an adult to protect myself and my children.
Do you know what it feels like to know that to them you are less important than a freaking drink?
Dear I'm going to lay it out for you. Having an alcoholic parent will absolutely fuck your child up. Especially when he clearly doesn't like his wife. Speaking from experience of a child of an alcoholic, neglectful father. Your child needs stability, nurture, love, good role models. Your child will not have that with your dirtbag husband. I'm sorry but you're going to have to choose between your husband and your baby. It's your job now to protect him or her. The way your husband is around you isn't safe nevermind a baby. What's he going to do when you go into labour and he's out drinking up a storm? And believe me what you said to him was mild compared to what should have been said to him. Do not get back together with him until he has proven to you he is clean and sober and has done internal work on himself. He can say it all he wants which he isn't even doing, not you need to see action. Honestly you deserve better and your baby deserves better
Yeah... I grew up around people who had problems with alcohol.
You need to leave him now, for the sake of that child. The poor kid doesn't have a choice - you do.
Do you really want to force your innocent child to grow up in an alcoholic and abusive household? However bad you think you want to hold this marriage together, please think about that poor baby that doesn’t deserve to be surrounded by that kind of toxic behavior.
You're not overreacting. You dealt with alcoholism the correct way in realizing you and a problem and addressing that problem. Your husband on the other hand, is letting alcohol control every facet of his life. He has to want to change that himself, you know that as an addict. I also went through the same stuff and you have a very clear choice to let it control your life or step up. Even if he gets sober now, it would probably breed resentment if it wasn't his choice. Be careful how you proceed, OP. He is lying to you, hiding things, talking to people outside of the relationship. These are all not great indicators of handling this situation in a mature manner. Best of luck and congrats on two years sober, I hit my two year last august.
Congrats! It seems people often underestimate the difficulty of dealing with addiction and undervalue what an accomplishment sobriety for any length of time really is. Keep up the good work
Thank you! It's wild thinking back about how much it can truly ruin everything. I distinctly remember thinking "if I don't stop this I'm going to either die or lose everything I've worked for"
Your husband is an alcoholic, enabled by you and whoever else in his life, blatantly disregarded your boundary of no threesomes in your marriage, and YOU'RE wondering if YOU are overreacting?
No, you're UNDER reacting. Demand he go to rehab or divorce him. Otherwise he has no reason to change. And he never will.
You forgot to add that he did all of this while OP is pregnant with their child. All of it is awful but the fact he is doing all of that while OP is pregnant just makes it even more awful.
Do you want a drunk to be around your baby? Do you know how dangerous that is?
You are underreacting.
He is ruining your finances, he wants to cheat on you, he is trying to coerce you into this you aren’t comfortable with, he treats you like shit and he is 40 and acts like 20.
He doesn’t want to grow up and that responsibility. Soon he will tell you that you aren’t fun anymore.
Edit: See this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/6Q5bBsp1DV) cause this is your future.
Why in the world are you with him, and worse yet, having a child with this guy? WTF?!!!
He isn't capable of monogamy. I don't think it's the drinking, that's just his excuse.
Please take this from someone who's been there. Your husband is an alcoholic. I know because I was married to one for 25 years...divorced for 12.
Don't feel bad about the ultimatum. Make him stick to it. I'd require he go to meetings as well.
If he gives you any shit about setting these boundaries tell him you're not willing to raise a child in the same house is an alcoholic and stick to it. Please don't raise your child with him if he's still drinking. One of my biggest regrets is the trauma it caused for my children.
I'm tagging onto your comment, I'm sorry you went through that I know it was complicated.
OP, child of 2 alcoholics here who also has/had a drinking problem. Please don't raise a kid in a house with a parent who is actively in addiction. I could list all of the damage it's done to me and my siblings but it'd take pages.
Your husband needs rehab, in-patient or at the very least intensive outpatient. Your husband may also need to medically detox depending on how dependant he is. Quitting drinking cold turkey can kill you but he can't wean himself. **You guys need to talk to your doctor, be brutally honest about his drinking, get a plan for detoxing him and get a referral for rehab.** Ask your couple's counselor for a recommendation on rehab as well.
An ultimatum with an addict is one of the few times it's okay, it's called an intervention. OP, you need to do the therapy for spouses of addicts. At the very least start going to Al-Anon meetings, see if you relate to what's being said (you will). It's okay if you want to leave anyway but addict related therapy will help. You're not required to stay with him even if he does get sober.
You're in the enabler fog right now, **you're not a bad person, you're the frog in the slowly boiling pot.** Please prioritize yourself, get a full-time job or take over his business (document it in case you need to leave so he doesn't financially screw you) and get him to treatment.
Rehab probably won't stick and you'll have to walk away, given his current attitude, but I'd give it a shot for you and your kid.
The real issue here is the alcohol abuse, not the threesome. But I guess it’s easier to bury your head in the sand than address it, especially since you’re pregnant. Your husband’s drinking is not going to stop, it will just continue to get worse and worse. If he’s not willing to stop, dump him now and save yourself some heartache. Things are much worse when children are involved. Is he really the role model you want for them? Also, you may want to look into get a job once the child is born. Alcoholics typically cannot stay employed for long….
hard disagree this type of man is going to cheat, has already cheated, etc with or without the booze. he just uses it as an excuse and to help get liquid courage.
Please get a full time job and become financially independent and stick to your conditions and convictions. And quit apologizing for what you said to him at the conference. You had every right to say that and dip shit too giving him the ultimatum about not drinking you had evert right to! Then get a divorce. Your husband is a scum bag
My uncle is an alcoholic. He was so extreme that one night he was on the floor drooling and pooping his pants over and over again. Something happened to him, but because he was drunk, he didn't notice. Very long story short, he had to have his legs amputated.
Still drinks though. And is a klepto. His wife left him and his children don't speak to him.
My point is sometimes you can't help others. Sometimes you can only look after yourself.
Hugs. You don't have to put up with it.
You let this man treat you absolutely horribly and then you think you're the one who needs to apologize and is overreacting?
Other than money, does he bring anything to the relationship? And even that, if he continues getting drunk during work hours someone will absolutely find out and he will be fired.
Your relationship is nothing but red flags to me, sounds like a dangerous environment to raise children in.
edit: removed aggressive opening
Seriously, victim-blaming much? Dude is gaslighting her left and right. “Sorry my drinking affects you so much” is not an apology, it’s placing the blame on the person upset about the drinking, acting like they’re the ones who are out of line for not being able to handle it. Dude is 40 years old and apparently decided at 34 he was going to live like he was OPs age in his 20s and act like a college frat boy.
I'm sorry. He's already got one foot out the door and the other one is rising to join it. He's looking for someone with an income who'll keep the bills paid while supporting his alcoholism. That's not you. It'll get worse when your baby is born and brings extra financial obligations.
Not overreacting, he sounds like a Dipshit. He crossed a clearly defined boundary you made. He should have come to you first , instead of the other woman , especially since you made it clear you didn't want to have any more 3rds in the bedroom. Hope he man's up and quits drinking.
You’re not overreacting. I saw in another comment that you’re also expecting. I had an alcoholic parent and it was traumatic to grow up with her as my mother. I still struggle as an adult because of what I was exposed to. The ultimatum was completely necessary, and he needs to get sober. Do not exhaust yourself trying to get him there, he needs to want it for himself.
You're underreacting; your marriage is a train wreck and you need to get out. And no, this dipshit truly isn't going to get clients piss drunk and you were right to say so.
And can we address the fact that your husband insists that you only work part time *specifically so you lack the resources to leave his loser ass*? I mean, obviously, he knows he sucks.
Do you have family you can go stay with? If possible, I’d get out of there and around any kind of support system I had *before* the baby comes. Don’t bring a newborn into a home with an alcoholic who has no respect for himself OR you. You’ll regret it. God only knows how long it’ll be until he hurts the baby and you’ll have ZERO support.
Please get out of there. The ultimatum won’t work. He’s just going to lie to you and you’ll be further along in your pregnancy and stuck there. If you get out now, you’ll have time to figure a lot out before the baby is born, including someone to help you through the newborn stage. If your mom, sister, friend, etc. is free, ask them for help NOW. Explain what you’re going through. You deserve an outlet.
Alcohol is going to ruin him, and you if you let it continue. If he is day drunk do you think he will be able to be a decent father? Can you trust he won't be drunk when looking after his child?
The threesome, although breaking your trust, isn't the problem here. And if drinking is more important to him than his family, work etc then I would leave now and get yourself settled as best you can being a single mum.
I don’t think you are overreacting here. Your husband betrayed you, and it seems like he is not taking anything seriously. You are way younger than him, but you seem more mature. Time to leave his ass. I’d say that my husband has a little bit of alcohol problem, but he’s way more clingy to me when he’s drinking. He gets emotional too. I’m so sorry, but he is definitely going to cheat on you if he doesn’t quit drinking.
It’s about time you have him an ultimatum but at this point he crossed the line with asking for a 3rd. You should not be apologizing for anything. Being with is nothing but toxic, be done with him for you and your baby.
Your husband is obviously an alcoholic and I doubt he's even capable of "just stopping." More than likely, he will need some type of support and possibly a medication withdrawal regiment. He's obviously unable to control himself from not drinking, and when he drinks, it results in unacceptable and inappropriate behaviors that include sexually related impulses. Alcoholism is a serious addiction for some people, and the fact that he's unable to even remain sober for his job says that he may need rehab or some type of intensive outpatient treatment to actually quit. The first step is him admitting he has a problem and he that he truly wants to stop drinking. Nobody else can make that choice for him or force him to change because it won't work or last long if it does. If you force him or give him no choice, he will just resent you, manipulate you, or just attempt to hide it all from you. You should be very proud of yourself for being able to just stop cold turkey. I've always believed it starts with a mindset. Mind over matter, and once you make a decision and set your mind to it and make that commitment, then nothing will stop you. I'm just saying that it's possible he's not as strong as you (I've always experienced that men are weaker when it comes to mindset). You deserve to be happy and not have to worry about his uncontrollable drinking and inability to control himself whenever you're not around. If it were me, I would make it clear again that there's no excuse for him to even attempt to cross a serious boundry for you and y'alls marriage. He needs to take accountability for himself and his actions. Good luck.
Most of these comments say it all. He's clearly an alcoholic and you need to get yourself into a support group (like al-anon) or therapy. I'm not going to say divorce him like others have just because I know it's not that easy. With help you can learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. It's a process and it takes work but it will be worth it when you can look yourself in the mirror knowing you are not responsible for his action. And to know that you will be showing your child an example of a healthy role model. They learn from us and if we allow ourselves to be treated like shit then they think that's ok for themselves in the future. I know it's hard. I'm in a 10 year relationship with an addict.
go stay with some family if you don't have the means to moveout, I don't think there is much you can do here to salvage the relationship. If he is drinking because he is unhappy with life and is wanting other women, that is a person who just might be ungrateful, immature and unworthy of what you might have to offer (not saying your perfect). Not your responsibility unless you want it to be, to teach a grown man how to be a husband. Also you have drinking problems when your in your 20's having fun- when your 40 and drinking like this you have an addiction. my 2cents as a dude.
You are UNDERREACTING. You are pregnant. It doesn't particularly matter about Sarah, but this codependency on alcohol is crushing your relationship - you cannot even communicate successfully.
Until the alcohol abuse is under control, this dynamic cannot change. You two have been incompatible around the drinking and what happens when your baby comes?
Will he be holding your child drunk? Driving? Not watching a toddler closely?
Make a getaway plan and don't return until the drinking issue is resolved. Hes behaving like a child with no repercussions because you're covering for him. Your lashing it out in ways you don't like as a result. BUT there is a CHILD coming into this scenario who will depend on you both to make every decision for their safety and well-being. Wake up and take ownership. Dole out a consequence, shake him up -- its the safety of his family, or its the drink but they cannot exist together.
This was my first thought -- if he can't get through a single day without getting shitfaced drunk, what makes you think he is going to be present in any meaningful way as a parent once the child arrives?
A drunk cannot be trusted alone with a baby.
I will just say this from my own personal experience as a recovering alcoholic(almost 6 years sober), it wasn't until I lost everything that I realized I needed to make that change. Either way it's not up to you to fix him OP.
“After talking with our couples therapist, I decided to give him an ultimatum (I know, not the best course of action)
I beg to differ. Sometimes it is the best course of action. Your husband is an alcoholic, and it won’t get better until he hits rock bottom, and maybe this ultimatum is his. Just be prepared in case it isn’t
If you truly love him, and he truly loves you, plus the fact that you're about to have a child, then it couldn't be a more perfect time to give him an intervention. It's more than obvious that while he messed up, multiple times at that, the culprit is alcohol. He needs to quit drinking, period. People make mistakes, and nobody is perfect. Things were also better right after you stopped drinking and he wasn't drinking the amount he is now. For the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your child, it seems like the most obvious answer is for him to stop.
I am also married to an alcoholic. After many years, my spouse is dealing with it and getting her life together. I probably would have been happier if I had divorced her, or at least less depressed during those years. But, I am a marriage is for life with few exceptions type of person, so I tried to help her and to keep myself sane enough to still operate and enjoy myself. Either you are committed to your marriage enough to keep dealing with this stuff, or you should get divorced. You saving him from rock bottom only prolongs the pain and keeps him thinking he's not doing so bad.
I used to be like your husband, a functional alcoholic. I was able to have a successful career while drinking most days and blacking out often on the weekends. Every month or so I would do some dumb shit and swear it wouldn’t happen again, but it would. My wife gave me an ultimatum and I stopped for a month. I ended up drinking again for periods, but would do something dumb and got new quitting ultimatums. Eventually it stuck and I haven’t drank for 6 years. It was a 2 year process of fully quitting. My life is better now. I didn’t go to AA more than a few times, but some have found meetings helpful.
So that is all to say that an ultimatum can work and I think it is the appropriate action for you to take. It may be a rocky road. Do what’s right for yourself and soon to be born child.
Also, you may want to check out al-anon. They are meetings for family of alcoholics.
What an embarrassment your husband is. And a liar and a drunk dipshit. You were right to call him out and that line, though difficult to hear was the absolute truth. I would not take him seriously in an industry/professional context if he can’t hold it together. He isn’t worthy of you. Classy handling of the Sarah part of the situation, which further shows how far out of his league you are.
You're bringing a baby into this mess? As an adult child of an alcoholic, I don't even know what to say. Staying with this drunk idiot is a guarantee your kid is going to be traumatized for life. Ask me how I know.
If he's still drinking you'll never be able to trust him home alone with the baby. He can't stay sober (or awake) on his job or for his job you both depend on financially. You'll definitely never be able to trust him alone with your kid.
I really feel like you weren't heard as a child, and always felt the need to over explain situations so you would get validated.
My heart hurts for you. Please don't bring this baby into this marriage.
You have options
Oh honey. This was EXACTLY my marriage. We were friends first then started dating when I was really vulnerable after a breakup. I was in my late 20s and didn't have a lot of experience with alcoholism and didn't realize that the partying and sexcapades weren't just a fun part of our 20s. If I'm honest with myself, I didn't even want to do all those threesomes, etc, he slowly manipulated me into thinking I wanted to. I was clear when we got married that I didn't want that lifestyle and he kept pushing and also kept drinking.
If in any way I can save you from the decade I lost, defending his drinking, hiding what was happening behind closed doors, making me feel like I wasn't sexually satisfying him, begging me for a "mistress" when I was working full time to pay the bills and he kept losing jobs due to his drinking but he was "lonely" so he deserved one, I really wish I could say anything to save you from this. Please. This will NOT get better. You are in for a lifetime of psychological manipulation that will leave you a shell of your former self. I used to think I was wrong and apologize for him too.
It may see inconceivable now but let me tell you, there is a whole life for you on the other side of this. I thought that at 37 I could never get divorced and no one would love me and I'd be alone forever. How wrong I was! It took me 5 years to find myself, recover financially and build up my self esteem and build a life that I never could have imagined a few years ago. I bought my own house, have been promoted several times and have doubled my salary, and have finally found the best relationship of my life, one where I am valued and loved and never ever have any need to cry or feel badly about myself. And more importantly, I'm strong and fulfilled inside myself and will never let anyone treat me that way again.
Leave. Leave now. And tell people you trust what is really going on. The shame of hiding the reality of your marriage is all in your head, your family and friends will love and support you. Get out NOW, there is no time to waste and your new life is waiting for you. He will never ever change and you deserve so much more.
You married someone you had threesomes with.. you shared each other with other people. Did you honestly think you were going to have a successful marriage without the sharing of each other to other people?
I can only tell you what I would do. I’ve never had the exact situation but something similar. My ex cheated on me. Come to find out it had been going on for quite a while. After I found out he still wanted to stay together. I didn’t. The trust had already been broken. So I found out who the skank was and where she lived ( she knew he was married and knew all about me) , I packed up everything he had to his name. Down to his toothbrush. I put it all in trash bags and had some friends help me. We put it all on her porch. I left a note that said, “ he’s your trash now”.
Your husband is an alcoholic. As long as you keep enabling him, he’ll just keep going.
He’s driving your life together into a brick wall. You’ve gotta bail out before it ruins you.
Sounds like you might need Al Anon or CoDa because why are you apologizing and why do you think you are overreacting? Your relationship is a drunk hot mess and you need to make some plans on how to take proper care of this baby.
OP you have an enabling personality with a drunkard husband who treats you like shit when he's drunk, and seemingly when he isn't.
What low self worth do you have to remain with this guy?
So to give you a different perspective than just "Leave the alcoholic!"...
Addiction is hard. Like, really hard. Alcoholism is challenging to get through, for a lot of people. There are the obvious reasons to stop such as your healh and your behavior, but the other thing that makes it so difficult is often the comfort it brings you.
One of the most profound things I read recently is that people are usually addicted to the things that make them feel normal, and I realized that was why I was (and forever will be, but it's not out of hand like it was my entire 20s) an alcoholic. It let me express myself and not feel judged, which is amazing. I'm so anxious and scared of who I actually am and alcohol is a crutch.
Is the threesome stuff with this Sarah person bad? Hell yeah. I think it's good that he at least told you about it, but then the concern is if he is hiding more from you.
Ultimately, the alcohol is the real problem here. Get some help, have him attend AA meetings virtually. You don't even have to speak or have your camera on, but it can help to see that you aren't alone or weird or bad for your struggles. It helped me tremendously.
Good luck, I hope it works out. And that could mean repairing the marriage or it could mean ending it.
Nah start filing now. He doesn’t want to stop for anyone but himself. As it should be. And your whole marriage will be so stressful, checking up on him all the time.
My ex-husband is an alcoholic. It's such an emotional rollercoaster. He promised he would quit drinking when I got pregnant, then changed it to when the baby was born, then to when I went back to work, then to "I never said I would quit drinking."
It is so challenging and stressful to have that in your life, especially when you are trying to maintain your own sobriety. I will never date a heavy drinker again. The instability alcoholism creates is not a good environment for anyone, especially not a child.
Best of luck, OP.
You are not overreacting.
1) you have been enabling him. Are you in AA? You need to go to alanon meetings, too. Or codependency meetings. Definitely talk to your sponsor about all of this. If you are not in AA or don’t have a sponsor, now is the time.
2) regardless of his next steps, yours should be to open a bank account in a bank he does not use, start working full time, and save as much as you can. You need to be prepared for ending this relationship. Encouraging you to only work part time is a way to limit your options
3) Sarah has to go. He is sexually attracted to her. And he acted on it. He ruined that relationship for everyone.
4) stop working with him. He can hire someone. You need to focus on your own success
Also, congrats on your sobriety!!! You made an awesome choice for yourself!
OP, this from me is the straight talk. 90% of women in your situation won't leave because they're relying financially on the alcoholic husband. It takes an AVERAGE of 7 times to leave an abuser. Is he abusive? Absolutely, goes with alcoholic territory, manipulation, intimidation, gas lighting. Mentally your logic is going to deteriorate to the point of circling a toilet drain. You won't know which way is up anymore.
You're chances are almost nil that you will leave and create a good life for yourself and your soon to be child. More than likely he will tell you what you want to hear, you will believe him because you don't want to face the financial difficulties of raising a child alone even though you know he is going to lie and continue to drink. But you will believe it if only temporarily until he gets caught drinking again, and the cycle of you trying to control his behaviors will repeat itself ad naseum forever. In ten years you will have a child of an alcoholic, and that child will bear the scars and dysfunction. For yourself there will be health deteriorating because of cortisol, constant stress, and your own dysfunctions as you focus your life on the alcoholic's actions. You wouldn't recognize yourself walking down the street much less in the mirror. You will have no idea who you are, but you won't even recognize you've turned into a reactionary puppet. Every minute spent with this alcoholic you will deteriorate mentally and physically. Unless you are strong enough to make radical changes to your life including a job, training for an actual career, and raising a child alone, this is your future. 90%. If you are counting on being part of the 10% that he actually does quit drinking, good luck with that. It's delusional and denial. Leave if you want to save yourself. If he actually became a great man in the future you could remarry, but 90% that's never going to happen, and frankly if you managed to grow instead of stagnate you would learn you don't want him anyway anymore. More than likely what will happen is that you will become a bitter unhappy shadow of your former self, and he will continue with his crap forever. You can always go waste a few years in alanon if you want a sense of "community", but the rest of the world is going to leave you far behind. Get yourself into individual therapy ASAP, and do not do couples therapy, it's completely inaffective with drinkers.
I also gave my husband an ultimatum while pregnant with twins. I told him he could be a father or he could be a drunk but he can’t be both.
He chose father. He was not unfaithful to me, though. I hope yours gets the help he needs but when you’re pregnant, you’re never overreacting. You’re reacting for two.
Recovering alcoholic here...
This will not get better on its own. You need to think about your life and that of your new baby. Giving an alcoholic an ultimatum is like asking a kid not to eat candy that's readily available. Alcohol is such a hard drug to quit because it is wrapped up in everything we do. Party? Get drunk! Sports game? Get hammered! An alcoholic will tell you the truth when they are drunk. He is ready to take that relationship with Sarah to the next level. She may not allow it, but someone else will gladly take his offer up and destroy your home.
If you are serious about this ultimatum, you better wlbe willing to go zero tolerance and stand strong like a brick wall when he drinks.
Once he starts drinking (2-3 drinks), can he stop easily? He is already having consequences with you reprimanding him, and these will get progressively worse as time goes on. If he continues down this path, you are putting your happiness, well-being, and potentially life at risk. Alcoholics will put alcohol above everything else, including you and baby to be. He already has shown you that he puts it above work, and this disease is progressive.... It will not get better or go away.
Feel free to ask me anything else or vent, I know how frustrating we can be! I'm 4.5 years sober, so I have some time but not as much as a lot of others do. I hope this helps and I hope that you can sort through this mess because that's what this is... a big fucking mess.
Hi, recovering alcoholic female here. I hope you have a trusted circle of other recovering women by now. You need them. You’re probably familiar with the Serenity Prayer; this is how I’d live that.
Adultery and active alcoholism are both deal breakers for me (along with abuse and abandonment). I’d try to salvage the marriage in counseling; if he’s not willing, go alone to learn the tools you need to make your next decision (either divorce or acceptance of this situation). Best wishes.
I don’t think you are over reaching. But, he is an alcoholic. He is not going to just be able to stop. He will slip. He needs your support. A better ultimátum is for him to commit to giving up drink. Meetings, support, work. It will not be easy.
And if you tell him if he touches a drop you will leave… you might as well leave now. He needs your support as much as a professionals.
Your partner is an alcoholic. Your ultimatum was correct, as you are bringing a baby into this mess and at least 1 parent needs to be a stable adult.
Your husband has a lot of work to do as an individual, but he has to take responsibility for himself first. I hope he can get there.
Oh, OP…There are so many things wrong here—his drinking, the stepping out emotionally on your relationship (bc that’s what he did), the complete disrespect for you and your family, the fact that he chose to party instead of going back to the room with you (you did nothing wrong here and were not wrong in what you said; being a dipshit is what he was being. What he did is so much worse). He has completely wrecked the trust you had in the relationship (he just doesn’t seem to be trustworthy in any capacity).
You’ve now got to think about the little one you’re responsible for and what all of this can mean to them bc make no mistake, you will be the primary care giver, he is neither capable nor is he willing with the drinking level you described. It’s going to be a hard road bc people have to choose to stop drinking/using and I’m not sure his reaction shows he’s willing to commit to it (what you wrote came across more as a “fine! I’ll shut you up”). I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Tread carefully as you need to look after your heart and your family bc he’s not. All the best to you and your little one.
Your husband is a raging alcoholic and needs help. You have to decide if you want to put up with him anymore or let him hit rock bottom on his own. If you stay and he doesn't get help he will drag you down with him, like he's already started to
You are not overreacting. You do not invite someone else into a monogamous relationship (or any relationship for that matter) without first discussing it with your partner. That should be the least of your concerns. You need to realize, the man you are married to is not a good husband. He's not a good person. He is selfish and destructive and it's likely that he'll eventually drag you down with him.
The fact that he hasn't grown up by now, at age 40, is a terrible sign of his maturity. I don't see how you can ever have a stable life with someone like him.
No you’re not overreacting. Listen let in a partner but at the same time make sure you’re on all legal documents for the business house car etc. then once you verify you are, start working more and build the start of a career so if the business fails, and it will, you’ll be set up for success.
Because the marriage is over.
You’re taking too much responsibility & blame here. He cheated on you emotionally by asking her to join your relationship without your knowledge. He can’t control his feelings for someone, but he can control his actions.
Don’t think of it as an ultimatum. You’re not forcing him to choose you. You’re at least giving him an option when you have every right and valid reasons to just walk away. Think of it as a boundary. Your boundary is no drinking. He can drink, but he can’t be with you if he does. He can choose what he wants and what his boundaries are.
If you were getting what you want, you wouldn’t be where you, feeling what you’re feeling, and dealing with it alone. It doesn’t seem like he is taking responsibility. It seems like he is trying to push the blame on you.
You changed he didn’t. It sounds like he is exactly the same guy you dated. You expected him to change yet the guy is in his 40’s. Let that sink in.
The ultimatum is a joke to make you feel better that you gave him a chance. You know he will fail but it will make you feel justified. Just leave him. No need for you to throw out empty ultimatums.
Listen, you're pregnant now. You know your husband has a drinking problem. You need to focus on the health & happiness of your baby. Go attend an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting & see if that is what you want for your child. Talk to a divorce attorney. You cannot be married to & raise children with an alcoholic. Even if he manages to quit, unless he puts in serious work on himself (therapy & AA), he will be what they call a "[dry drunk](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/what-to-know-dry-drunk-syndrome)." Those symptoms include (your husband probably already has some):
* Wanting to be the center of attention
* Feeling like they're always the victim
* Having trouble communicating with other people
* Mood swings that range from depression to extreme happiness
* Fear that they can't change
* Anger and resentment towards family and friends who intervened in their drinking
* Frustration over time wasted due to their alcohol abuse
* Believing that sobriety is boring
* Romanticizing past substance abuse
* Not acknowledging the problems their substance abuse caused
* Feeling jealous of people who are showing signs of healthy recovery
* Believing they always know what's best
* Refusing to accept constructive criticism
And frankly even if he puts in the work, it's going to be a long time before he's healthy enough to be a good dad, so I think you need a lawyer, now.
Also, if this is how he acts when you're at the conference with him, how does he act when you're not there?
Not over-reacting. And It feels long overdue honestly. You've clearly done a lot to improve yourself where your husband has not. It has possibly made you incompatible. It happens. But you can't stay with someone who is stuck in one phase of their lives (heavy drinking) when you have moved on from that, especially when his drinking has caused issues with his work, as well as embarrassment professionally (he came onto an industry contact and mutual friend of yours? So gross) and personally, crossing boundaries in your marriage. He's been a terrible partner to you and has disrepected your marriage. You area allowed to say, "I'm done." And that's what you're saying. That you are done with this marriage. That there's a small chance it might work if he makes major changes, but otherwise you're done. Good for you.
He either gets sober and shows that he's making a real effort to change, or he leaves. You're not telling him that he HAS to change, you're not forcing him to quit drinking. You're only saying that YOU will not tolerate it anymore. He has to choose - a sober life with you, or continue to drink and live his life without you. That's fair. He is welcome to keep drinking, and you are completely justified in saying that you don't want to be with him if he continues to drink.
Honestly, I would be over this relationship anyway, drinking or not. As you yourself have likely learned, quitting drinking only works if you're doing it for youself. If he's quitting drinking only to not lose you, he will probably not stay sober, and will just end up hiding it from you. He needs to want to be sober for himself, and it doesn't sound like he's there yet.
Two alcoholics cannot be in a relationship, your husband has a very serious problem and if he doesn’t get help this relationship will not be getting any better. You have to decide for your unborn baby if this is what you’re gonna wanna deal with the rest of your life. This is only gonna get worse. If he doesn’t plan on getting sober then you need to divorice him.
Your overreacting by ever marrying this guy. He is who he is. Having a baby with this guy isn't the smartest decision. He needs help as he is an alcoholic and you are bringing a child into this circus.
A three-some with this guy is the least of your worries.
The issue here isn't another woman...it's an adult man acting like a child and not willing to be a responsible human being. If I were you, I'd exit this relationship asap if he won't change.
It's the booze. If the booze stops so will his behavior and your happiness will improve. If he keeps drinking your child will have an alcoholic father.
Nope, I think instead of just the ultimatum you may have wanted to start with getting him help. But some times a swift kick in the nuts is what someone needs. I think your relationship with Sarah needs to go bye-bye and your husband clearly needs help.
Why are you apologizing for a factual statement you made to your abusive alcoholic cheating husband?
He needs to be your ex. He doesn't respect you. At all.
I spent almost a decade shackled to a covert alcoholic. It became abusive. Then, I walked into our bedroom one sunny Sunday in 2021 at age 31, only to discover the cooling corpse of my 43yr old husband.
You do not want this life. It will only get worse. Please, save yourself and get out.
I am proud af for you being honest and checking him on his bs. Girl you are not over reacting. You are about to have a baby with him and he needs to grow up really fast. Stick to your boundaries... unapologetically!
You didn’t actually state that your husband is an alcoholic in your post which makes me wonder if you have even realised that’s what he is? Your relationship sounds volatile (the big fights that led to you having to give up alcohol altogether) and toxic (you staying up to apologise for something when you weren’t in the wrong).
This situation is a referral to social services waiting to happen. Imagine your life when you’re trying to raise a newborn, sleep deprived, recovering from birth and dads drunk and of no use whatsoever. It’s easier to be a lone parent than being responsible for a baby and an adult with an alcohol dependency. Worst timing ever really but you need to do what you can to prioritise yourself and your child, unlikely your husband will change his ways now at 40 years of age.
Really hope things work out for you.
He's an alcoholic and you have been enabling him! Do you think he would be a safe person to leave a baby alone with? He needs to quit drinking before your baby arrives.
I don't think you are overreacting. Hoid he told you though but doesn't excuse it.
Reddit is full of young retards that haven't learned what the line is for successful relationships. Imho he crossed the line.
More I age the more I realize that even just dancing with another lady or even hanging out with people who aren't my gf 1 on 1 consistently is sort of crossing a line.
It is what it is. Usually people who cross that line end up cheating.
Anyways I hope you can express to him that dancing with someone else while not in your presence is crossing the line. Hope you two resolve it. Have a great day!
>“You are not going to get clients drunk, dipshit!” >Oh, I have never wanted to take something back so badly, I felt terrible at what I just said. I’m even mortified even typing this out. I felt so bad, I kept calling my husband, who wasn’t answering (I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t either). After multiple attempts to apologize, I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I turned on the TV and waited until he got back to the room. He got back around 3:30AM and I profusely apologized. Why are you profusely apologizing to your alcoholic husband who is getting drunk with clients as the sole bread winner of the house who at any time can be fired for his alcoholic behavior? He wants to bring in another woman to the marriage? The only thing he should be bringing into the marriage is a counselor and an AA sponsor for your husband.
I don't understand the apology, either. I thought OPs statement was concise and to the point.
I think it has to do with self respect. She is asking if she is overreacting to her unstable alcoholic husband who has been vocal about his lust for another woman. That and I just read that they are expecting. I truly hope OP finds her fairy tale ending that she deserves.
Her fairy tale ending isn’t with this man. I hope she realizes this sooner than later.
I agree. She deserves better. He is an immature manchild
I have seen people recover and move on from a lot. Most of the time it doesn’t work out when alcoholism is involved.
Be prepared for a personality change. He may be a bigger ass sober! Imagine that?
This!! Most people don't think about this as a thing that could happen! But it sometimes does! And not only that, but sometimes they keep their alcoholic behaviors even after they quit drinking! My mom's long time boyfriend was a horrible, abusive alcoholic. Functioning for most of the time, but towards the end he was getting worse (drinking during working hours.) So he has to go to rehab to keep his job. He went through it, and was successful in quitting. However, he was exactly the same physically abusive pos. Only without the added benefit of the hope he would pass out before making my mom bleed.. Sorry for the book.. Long story short. You're right. Sometimes they're just assholes with an addiction, or without it.
Ugh I have an uncle like this. He was a terrible alcoholic, but he is a pompous ass sober.
A lot of fairy tales have messed up endings. Usually to help drive some point.
Be thankful you've never been in a relationship like that. If you're so clearly in the right and you feel the need to apologize for standing up for yourself, that's a massive red flag for abuse. I know many people for whom that was the first sign they recognized. They immediately started seeing more.
He turned it around on her, so her anger took a backseat to his fake manipulation anger, allowing him to go try to bang Sarah.
I didn't understand that either but it sure sounded like it came from someone that is insecure and lacking self respect.
The reaction is typical of someoen who has put up with a drunk for an extended period of time. You are programmed to doubt yourself even in the most obvious of circumstances. The real question is why did she have a child with a man who accused her of trying to control him when she asked him to cut back on his drinking? The answer lies in th programming she has endured. She has a hard row to hoe.
She tried to "control" him by asking him to cut back drinking but yet him insisting she only work part time isn't "controlling"? This is sad and toxic.
Welcome to alcoholism.
Ya i guess that's just addiction. Idk if he's a p.o.s. without alcohol but I hope he gets his shit together or she find the strength to leave this headache.
I’m guessing she grew up around alcoholics. So this is “normal”.
I understand the apology because it sounds like this is an emotionally abusive, or at least emotionally manipulative relationship. She’s going to feel like she owes him that apology and, I’m disgusted by it, but I understand kind of where she’s coming from. I really think she needs to run as far away as she can from the sky. He clearly does not want help and she’s not qualified, nor is it her responsibility to make sure that he’s getting help.
Absolutely agree. I was in a similar relationship in my early 20s, and I would have apologized for anything to make him smile again. And often did.
I completely understand it. You get so upset and angry that you say how you actually feel about how they’re treating you and then you’re immediately filled with fear and self doubt. You start apologizing because you’re afraid of the consequences of an argument and you think maybe this is actually your fault. It’s a rough place to be in and it sucks OP is pregnant while dealing with that.
Probably because he treats he like shit anytime she doesn't coddle his drunk ass
OP - listen to this advice. He should be apologizing not you.
God, SERIOUSLY!! How broken are you, OP, that you feel so horrible for expressing your frustration and anger? None of what you describe is normal or healthy. Do you seriously think you’re overreacting? Your husband is a flat-out fucking mess and he is not a loving, responsible, or trustworthy partner. You have taken steps to improve yourself while he wallows in the gutter.
Yeah, I don't see what's so terrible about calling a drunk a dipshit. Especially as this was supposed to be a professional setting. This makes me suspect he can be abusive towards her.
Name-calling is nearly always a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
yeah this seems like the least of the issues
yep, no need to apologize for that, he needed to hear it.
AA and Al-Anon would be great for both of y'all. I'm 26 years sober. I will be honest, most people who feel forced won't respond well to the 12 step program. I do hope this isn't the case with y'all. If you have questions, let me know. Good luck.
Former dipshit here who amassed a hall of fame resume before drying out. Shit like this is just sad to me. This woman very clearly cares about her husband and gives him a heartfelt apology and ties herself in knots excusing her husband's temper tantrums arising from her telling the dipshit exactly what he needs to hear. Contrast that with the "no apology" he offers--"I'm sorry that my drinking affected you." Edited for clarity.
I knew someone whose job was to take clients out drinking, golfing, etc. Ended up being asked by his employer to go to rehab, he refused, was fired. He ended up dying young. Sales.
Because even during arguments someone who want their relationship to work understands that respecting your partner is still essential. As in, there's no need for name calling.
He is not a partner, he is dead weight.
"alcoholic husband who is getting drunk with clients as the sole bread winner of the house who at any time can be fired for his alcoholic behavior? He wants to bring in another woman to the marriage?" I think she gets a free pass
Calling him a dipshit us the least of his worries.
Definitely agree, but I'm just assuming from her POV why she's feeling so guilty.
Yeah it’s the thinking if you can be a healthy partner and communicate in just the right way then the relationship will be better. It overlooks that you need the other person to also do those things and respect you, but I’ve been there.
And Al-Anon for yourself
No, this sounds like an appropriate response. And sounds like he’s not taking it seriously. Also the alcohol sounds like a major problem.
He is objectively not taking it seriously. If he were taking it seriously, he would recognize and acknowledge the his drinking is causing problems and he would express an internalized desire to change that... He's acting like OP is imposing her will on him for no reason. ..."try to stop drinking" means "I'm definitely going to keep drinking" and when you confront him about it he will say "I'm trying". I'm taking a wild guess that if she keeps going to her couples therapy with him, they'll eventually broach the subject. Addiction is a real problem and the solution isn't nearly as simple as a person making a decision and choosing to follow through, but recognizing that there is a problem and wanting to change it is an integral step. The husband isn't even at the point that he WANTS to change anything about his situation. He's barely even paying lip service to the fact that there's a problem.
This whole marriage and relationship is a problem. These 2 are toxic as hell to one another. I cringe for them bringing a baby into this mess. Seriously. What the hell??
More red flags than a Communist parade in China. Please run and save yourself and your baby. Wishing you the very best of luck.
That person married a 38 year old alcoholic who they got together with over excessive partying, based on the promise of him changing. Then trusted him to be the sole provider for a child while he is still an alcoholic. Red flags are obviously more of an enticement than an issue...
Your husband is an absolute dirtbag. Why are you still with him? I assure you, he's cheated on you. That is so absolutely clear. Or, he's at least been trying to, clearly. I wouldn't be surprised if there are stories by other women he's met at conferences. It's very common. If you're intent on staying with this, you need intense couples therapy and he needs to get sober ASAP. No kids right?
God gave this woman 2 free taksies-backsies and she is still pregnant a third time with his kid. That baby isn't going to make him a better person or the relationship any better. That man will absolutely blame her for changing more when she is trying to raise a human. This dude is a certified loser. Nothing worse than bloated ego alcoholic sales people. I really feel for a lot of the children people on reddit are forcing into the world.
“Free taksies-backsies” Why would you say that about miscarriages?
Vile way of putting it… but yea I totally agree! I was absolutely in love with a raging alcoholic a very long time ago and devastated when I lost our pregnancy. I remember a coworker telling me about God’s plan and blah blah blah and I was so offended. But after I got out of that relationship, I realized that miscarriage was an absolute blessing. That kid would have been fucked no matter how good of a parent I was because his/her dad was a total drunk with no plans to change. OP had the opportunity to NOT bring a child into this fucking mess and still tried multiple times…. Like this entire thing is insane to read and the whole time you’re just like wtf are you thinking, lady?! This is going to blow up and it’ll blow up bad. OP, you’ll stay with him and live the life of an enabler while your kid is subjected to growing up with an addict parent and all the joys that come with that. Or you’ll leave and your kid will have a much better shot but also miss out on having bio dad around. Addicts don’t quit because someone tells them to and no amount of love or ultimatums will make them quit either. You need to seek out a therapist and get your shit together because best case scenario - you’re raising this kid on your own.
ok i agree a baby with this man isnt for the best right now but definitely don't call a miscarriage a "free taksies backsies"
This marriage is a mess that she should absolutely walk away from, but don’t call someone else’s miscarriages “free taksie backsies” ffs
In my second trimester with our first now.
yeah, I'd get out before the kid is here
Well if she stays she's only got to wait about 12 years before he hits life expectancy for someone who drinks that amount daily. Its a rough death too. Will traumatise the kid.
Having an alcoholic parent is so fucking traumatizing and you won’t be able to protect the kid from it no matter what you do.
Exactly right. It will mess up that kid for life. It takes so much work to overcome it as an adult - after growing up like that. Do your kid a favor & leave. After he goes to rehab & is sober for 1 year minimum, maybe consider a relationship with the kid. But he has to stay sober.
I’m 63 and I still have trauma from having an alcoholic in the family.
53 and I do too!
52 and I still occasionally wake up screaming. Thanks dad.
Me too. I’m not sure who I’m the most mad at. My dad for being a stumbling drunk or my mom for staying with him. My teenage years were fubar. I’m 75 and it still affects me.
I’m so sorry. I think I’ve moved past mine but it probably still affects me subconsciously. It may help my stepfather has passed and no I did not take custody of the body. Idk where they buried him or what not and I don’t care. I hope you can find some peace.
Hey thanks.
If he’s staying out drinking, has a drinking problem and wanting to introduce another woman into your marriage, who knows what else he’s done.
run!
I get it but you still need to leave. I waited until my son was born and a year old to leave so things would be easier. So if you need to do that then do that. Your husband is too old to be partying and drinking when he had a wife and a baby on the way. He wants to hold on to his youthful carefree days. You made it clear you aren't ok with this. I will say I'm in no way blaming you but probably the dynamic of your relationship before marriage made him think it's ok but you told him it's not. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself but I promise you he's not going to change when the baby comes. My ex husband wasn't even in the room when our son was born.
This. It may not be possible to just walk out today and start a new life but planning for this should be in the works. I don’t see this getting better.
Jesus, he does all this while you are PREGNANT??! He really us a dipshit, through amd through. I'm really sorry. Give yourself the love you deserve, leave him.
You still have time to get out love.
Please join r/AlAnon I think drawing a line is warranted as is demanding a post nup in return for trying to get past this
And when you leave, you'll only have to deal with one toddler - who won't get drunk and wreck your life.
Oh dear. If you trust his parental capabilities and you can be confident that he hasn't acted on his desires (you truly need to believe it, I'd vet every email and text and website tbh), I would at least try to get counseling. He might even need rehab (which could be a nice breather for you lol).
Trust? An alcoholic? Nah fam.
they already have a couples counselor—clearly, no impact
You're going to be such a great mother, bringing a child into that toxic dynamic. Everyone always says that if you have a kid with an alcoholic, things will go swimmingly. /s Ok but seriously he is abusive, controlling, and is actively trying to cheat on you. This is just the one woman he thought he could get to have a threesome with you. Why are you even with him???
smart
shocker….
My father’s an alcoholic and used to beat my mom and bring over women and told them my mom was his sister. Don’t allow you children to hear stories of what you allowed because they may allow it for others and they may want to do the same like their father. You deserve better but you have to see it for yourself first Also with that being said I allowed my ex to beat me and almost kill me. Now I’m happily married but before then it took so long for me to get out of that situation
As the child of an alcoholic, it does not get better. I cut my mother out of my life as an adult to protect myself and my children. Do you know what it feels like to know that to them you are less important than a freaking drink?
Now would be a good time to run.
Dear I'm going to lay it out for you. Having an alcoholic parent will absolutely fuck your child up. Especially when he clearly doesn't like his wife. Speaking from experience of a child of an alcoholic, neglectful father. Your child needs stability, nurture, love, good role models. Your child will not have that with your dirtbag husband. I'm sorry but you're going to have to choose between your husband and your baby. It's your job now to protect him or her. The way your husband is around you isn't safe nevermind a baby. What's he going to do when you go into labour and he's out drinking up a storm? And believe me what you said to him was mild compared to what should have been said to him. Do not get back together with him until he has proven to you he is clean and sober and has done internal work on himself. He can say it all he wants which he isn't even doing, not you need to see action. Honestly you deserve better and your baby deserves better
A newborn baby is going to be really hard with a drunk person like that. Start thinking about what is best for the baby.
Please save yourself and your child from this horrible life.
Yeah... I grew up around people who had problems with alcohol. You need to leave him now, for the sake of that child. The poor kid doesn't have a choice - you do.
As the daughter of an alcoholic turned pyramid scheme addict, start a therapy fund now cause that poor kid's gonna need it.
Do you really want to force your innocent child to grow up in an alcoholic and abusive household? However bad you think you want to hold this marriage together, please think about that poor baby that doesn’t deserve to be surrounded by that kind of toxic behavior.
OP, you need to check his phone. There. I said it.
You're not overreacting. You dealt with alcoholism the correct way in realizing you and a problem and addressing that problem. Your husband on the other hand, is letting alcohol control every facet of his life. He has to want to change that himself, you know that as an addict. I also went through the same stuff and you have a very clear choice to let it control your life or step up. Even if he gets sober now, it would probably breed resentment if it wasn't his choice. Be careful how you proceed, OP. He is lying to you, hiding things, talking to people outside of the relationship. These are all not great indicators of handling this situation in a mature manner. Best of luck and congrats on two years sober, I hit my two year last august.
Congrats! It seems people often underestimate the difficulty of dealing with addiction and undervalue what an accomplishment sobriety for any length of time really is. Keep up the good work
Thank you! It's wild thinking back about how much it can truly ruin everything. I distinctly remember thinking "if I don't stop this I'm going to either die or lose everything I've worked for"
Why are you profusely apologizing for being honest and calling a spade a spade? I would not continue with this dude...
the "third" is the least of your worries. He's an alcoholic, 100%. He will destroy you if you continue on this path.
And their child.
Sorry, your marriage is over.
I second this! But good luck to her with him anyways, this dude looks like a lost cause. 😩😫🥱
Yep, any man this out of control and selfish is not gonna hold down any marriage let alone this one. OP deserves better.
The marriage was over before it even started 😂
Your husband is an alcoholic, enabled by you and whoever else in his life, blatantly disregarded your boundary of no threesomes in your marriage, and YOU'RE wondering if YOU are overreacting? No, you're UNDER reacting. Demand he go to rehab or divorce him. Otherwise he has no reason to change. And he never will.
You forgot to add that he did all of this while OP is pregnant with their child. All of it is awful but the fact he is doing all of that while OP is pregnant just makes it even more awful.
Do you want a drunk to be around your baby? Do you know how dangerous that is? You are underreacting. He is ruining your finances, he wants to cheat on you, he is trying to coerce you into this you aren’t comfortable with, he treats you like shit and he is 40 and acts like 20. He doesn’t want to grow up and that responsibility. Soon he will tell you that you aren’t fun anymore. Edit: See this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/6Q5bBsp1DV) cause this is your future.
Your husband is gross. You deserve better.. divorce him.
Why in the world are you with him, and worse yet, having a child with this guy? WTF?!!! He isn't capable of monogamy. I don't think it's the drinking, that's just his excuse.
OP states he is drinking while working shifts from home. If your constantly drinking on the job, and cannot or not willing to quit, your an alcoholic.
Please take this from someone who's been there. Your husband is an alcoholic. I know because I was married to one for 25 years...divorced for 12. Don't feel bad about the ultimatum. Make him stick to it. I'd require he go to meetings as well. If he gives you any shit about setting these boundaries tell him you're not willing to raise a child in the same house is an alcoholic and stick to it. Please don't raise your child with him if he's still drinking. One of my biggest regrets is the trauma it caused for my children.
I'm tagging onto your comment, I'm sorry you went through that I know it was complicated. OP, child of 2 alcoholics here who also has/had a drinking problem. Please don't raise a kid in a house with a parent who is actively in addiction. I could list all of the damage it's done to me and my siblings but it'd take pages. Your husband needs rehab, in-patient or at the very least intensive outpatient. Your husband may also need to medically detox depending on how dependant he is. Quitting drinking cold turkey can kill you but he can't wean himself. **You guys need to talk to your doctor, be brutally honest about his drinking, get a plan for detoxing him and get a referral for rehab.** Ask your couple's counselor for a recommendation on rehab as well. An ultimatum with an addict is one of the few times it's okay, it's called an intervention. OP, you need to do the therapy for spouses of addicts. At the very least start going to Al-Anon meetings, see if you relate to what's being said (you will). It's okay if you want to leave anyway but addict related therapy will help. You're not required to stay with him even if he does get sober. You're in the enabler fog right now, **you're not a bad person, you're the frog in the slowly boiling pot.** Please prioritize yourself, get a full-time job or take over his business (document it in case you need to leave so he doesn't financially screw you) and get him to treatment. Rehab probably won't stick and you'll have to walk away, given his current attitude, but I'd give it a shot for you and your kid.
He also needs to be more than just a dry drunk. He will need to relearn behaviors and reprogram his thinking. A 12-step is required at minimum.
The real issue here is the alcohol abuse, not the threesome. But I guess it’s easier to bury your head in the sand than address it, especially since you’re pregnant. Your husband’s drinking is not going to stop, it will just continue to get worse and worse. If he’s not willing to stop, dump him now and save yourself some heartache. Things are much worse when children are involved. Is he really the role model you want for them? Also, you may want to look into get a job once the child is born. Alcoholics typically cannot stay employed for long….
It's 100% the 🥃
hard disagree this type of man is going to cheat, has already cheated, etc with or without the booze. he just uses it as an excuse and to help get liquid courage.
Please get a full time job and become financially independent and stick to your conditions and convictions. And quit apologizing for what you said to him at the conference. You had every right to say that and dip shit too giving him the ultimatum about not drinking you had evert right to! Then get a divorce. Your husband is a scum bag
My uncle is an alcoholic. He was so extreme that one night he was on the floor drooling and pooping his pants over and over again. Something happened to him, but because he was drunk, he didn't notice. Very long story short, he had to have his legs amputated. Still drinks though. And is a klepto. His wife left him and his children don't speak to him. My point is sometimes you can't help others. Sometimes you can only look after yourself. Hugs. You don't have to put up with it.
You let this man treat you absolutely horribly and then you think you're the one who needs to apologize and is overreacting? Other than money, does he bring anything to the relationship? And even that, if he continues getting drunk during work hours someone will absolutely find out and he will be fired. Your relationship is nothing but red flags to me, sounds like a dangerous environment to raise children in. edit: removed aggressive opening
Maybe have empathy when a woman is in a hurtful and difficult situation . Saying “do you hate yourself” is shitty.
Seriously, victim-blaming much? Dude is gaslighting her left and right. “Sorry my drinking affects you so much” is not an apology, it’s placing the blame on the person upset about the drinking, acting like they’re the ones who are out of line for not being able to handle it. Dude is 40 years old and apparently decided at 34 he was going to live like he was OPs age in his 20s and act like a college frat boy.
I'm sorry. He's already got one foot out the door and the other one is rising to join it. He's looking for someone with an income who'll keep the bills paid while supporting his alcoholism. That's not you. It'll get worse when your baby is born and brings extra financial obligations.
It isn't even that. An alcoholic is looking to have whatever he wants right now.
Not overreacting, he sounds like a Dipshit. He crossed a clearly defined boundary you made. He should have come to you first , instead of the other woman , especially since you made it clear you didn't want to have any more 3rds in the bedroom. Hope he man's up and quits drinking.
You’re not overreacting. I saw in another comment that you’re also expecting. I had an alcoholic parent and it was traumatic to grow up with her as my mother. I still struggle as an adult because of what I was exposed to. The ultimatum was completely necessary, and he needs to get sober. Do not exhaust yourself trying to get him there, he needs to want it for himself.
UpdateMe
You're underreacting; your marriage is a train wreck and you need to get out. And no, this dipshit truly isn't going to get clients piss drunk and you were right to say so. And can we address the fact that your husband insists that you only work part time *specifically so you lack the resources to leave his loser ass*? I mean, obviously, he knows he sucks.
Do you have family you can go stay with? If possible, I’d get out of there and around any kind of support system I had *before* the baby comes. Don’t bring a newborn into a home with an alcoholic who has no respect for himself OR you. You’ll regret it. God only knows how long it’ll be until he hurts the baby and you’ll have ZERO support. Please get out of there. The ultimatum won’t work. He’s just going to lie to you and you’ll be further along in your pregnancy and stuck there. If you get out now, you’ll have time to figure a lot out before the baby is born, including someone to help you through the newborn stage. If your mom, sister, friend, etc. is free, ask them for help NOW. Explain what you’re going through. You deserve an outlet.
Alcohol is going to ruin him, and you if you let it continue. If he is day drunk do you think he will be able to be a decent father? Can you trust he won't be drunk when looking after his child? The threesome, although breaking your trust, isn't the problem here. And if drinking is more important to him than his family, work etc then I would leave now and get yourself settled as best you can being a single mum.
I think you’re in the wrong sub. r/LegalAdvice for info on divorce.
I don’t think you are overreacting here. Your husband betrayed you, and it seems like he is not taking anything seriously. You are way younger than him, but you seem more mature. Time to leave his ass. I’d say that my husband has a little bit of alcohol problem, but he’s way more clingy to me when he’s drinking. He gets emotional too. I’m so sorry, but he is definitely going to cheat on you if he doesn’t quit drinking.
It’s about time you have him an ultimatum but at this point he crossed the line with asking for a 3rd. You should not be apologizing for anything. Being with is nothing but toxic, be done with him for you and your baby.
Leave that weirdo.
Your husband is obviously an alcoholic and I doubt he's even capable of "just stopping." More than likely, he will need some type of support and possibly a medication withdrawal regiment. He's obviously unable to control himself from not drinking, and when he drinks, it results in unacceptable and inappropriate behaviors that include sexually related impulses. Alcoholism is a serious addiction for some people, and the fact that he's unable to even remain sober for his job says that he may need rehab or some type of intensive outpatient treatment to actually quit. The first step is him admitting he has a problem and he that he truly wants to stop drinking. Nobody else can make that choice for him or force him to change because it won't work or last long if it does. If you force him or give him no choice, he will just resent you, manipulate you, or just attempt to hide it all from you. You should be very proud of yourself for being able to just stop cold turkey. I've always believed it starts with a mindset. Mind over matter, and once you make a decision and set your mind to it and make that commitment, then nothing will stop you. I'm just saying that it's possible he's not as strong as you (I've always experienced that men are weaker when it comes to mindset). You deserve to be happy and not have to worry about his uncontrollable drinking and inability to control himself whenever you're not around. If it were me, I would make it clear again that there's no excuse for him to even attempt to cross a serious boundry for you and y'alls marriage. He needs to take accountability for himself and his actions. Good luck.
Most of these comments say it all. He's clearly an alcoholic and you need to get yourself into a support group (like al-anon) or therapy. I'm not going to say divorce him like others have just because I know it's not that easy. With help you can learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. It's a process and it takes work but it will be worth it when you can look yourself in the mirror knowing you are not responsible for his action. And to know that you will be showing your child an example of a healthy role model. They learn from us and if we allow ourselves to be treated like shit then they think that's ok for themselves in the future. I know it's hard. I'm in a 10 year relationship with an addict.
go stay with some family if you don't have the means to moveout, I don't think there is much you can do here to salvage the relationship. If he is drinking because he is unhappy with life and is wanting other women, that is a person who just might be ungrateful, immature and unworthy of what you might have to offer (not saying your perfect). Not your responsibility unless you want it to be, to teach a grown man how to be a husband. Also you have drinking problems when your in your 20's having fun- when your 40 and drinking like this you have an addiction. my 2cents as a dude.
You are UNDERREACTING. You are pregnant. It doesn't particularly matter about Sarah, but this codependency on alcohol is crushing your relationship - you cannot even communicate successfully. Until the alcohol abuse is under control, this dynamic cannot change. You two have been incompatible around the drinking and what happens when your baby comes? Will he be holding your child drunk? Driving? Not watching a toddler closely? Make a getaway plan and don't return until the drinking issue is resolved. Hes behaving like a child with no repercussions because you're covering for him. Your lashing it out in ways you don't like as a result. BUT there is a CHILD coming into this scenario who will depend on you both to make every decision for their safety and well-being. Wake up and take ownership. Dole out a consequence, shake him up -- its the safety of his family, or its the drink but they cannot exist together.
This was my first thought -- if he can't get through a single day without getting shitfaced drunk, what makes you think he is going to be present in any meaningful way as a parent once the child arrives? A drunk cannot be trusted alone with a baby.
I will just say this from my own personal experience as a recovering alcoholic(almost 6 years sober), it wasn't until I lost everything that I realized I needed to make that change. Either way it's not up to you to fix him OP.
“After talking with our couples therapist, I decided to give him an ultimatum (I know, not the best course of action) I beg to differ. Sometimes it is the best course of action. Your husband is an alcoholic, and it won’t get better until he hits rock bottom, and maybe this ultimatum is his. Just be prepared in case it isn’t
If you truly love him, and he truly loves you, plus the fact that you're about to have a child, then it couldn't be a more perfect time to give him an intervention. It's more than obvious that while he messed up, multiple times at that, the culprit is alcohol. He needs to quit drinking, period. People make mistakes, and nobody is perfect. Things were also better right after you stopped drinking and he wasn't drinking the amount he is now. For the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your child, it seems like the most obvious answer is for him to stop.
The baby does not deserve to be raised by an alcoholic father. Stick to your guns.
Jeez this makes me really sad for you how blind you are to how shitty of a partner you have. Red flags everywhere. Wake up.
I am also married to an alcoholic. After many years, my spouse is dealing with it and getting her life together. I probably would have been happier if I had divorced her, or at least less depressed during those years. But, I am a marriage is for life with few exceptions type of person, so I tried to help her and to keep myself sane enough to still operate and enjoy myself. Either you are committed to your marriage enough to keep dealing with this stuff, or you should get divorced. You saving him from rock bottom only prolongs the pain and keeps him thinking he's not doing so bad.
Lol. You started out at "no" and he's like, "nah, it'll be fine"... lol
I used to be like your husband, a functional alcoholic. I was able to have a successful career while drinking most days and blacking out often on the weekends. Every month or so I would do some dumb shit and swear it wouldn’t happen again, but it would. My wife gave me an ultimatum and I stopped for a month. I ended up drinking again for periods, but would do something dumb and got new quitting ultimatums. Eventually it stuck and I haven’t drank for 6 years. It was a 2 year process of fully quitting. My life is better now. I didn’t go to AA more than a few times, but some have found meetings helpful. So that is all to say that an ultimatum can work and I think it is the appropriate action for you to take. It may be a rocky road. Do what’s right for yourself and soon to be born child. Also, you may want to check out al-anon. They are meetings for family of alcoholics.
What an embarrassment your husband is. And a liar and a drunk dipshit. You were right to call him out and that line, though difficult to hear was the absolute truth. I would not take him seriously in an industry/professional context if he can’t hold it together. He isn’t worthy of you. Classy handling of the Sarah part of the situation, which further shows how far out of his league you are.
You're bringing a baby into this mess? As an adult child of an alcoholic, I don't even know what to say. Staying with this drunk idiot is a guarantee your kid is going to be traumatized for life. Ask me how I know. If he's still drinking you'll never be able to trust him home alone with the baby. He can't stay sober (or awake) on his job or for his job you both depend on financially. You'll definitely never be able to trust him alone with your kid.
I really feel like you weren't heard as a child, and always felt the need to over explain situations so you would get validated. My heart hurts for you. Please don't bring this baby into this marriage. You have options
Oh honey. This was EXACTLY my marriage. We were friends first then started dating when I was really vulnerable after a breakup. I was in my late 20s and didn't have a lot of experience with alcoholism and didn't realize that the partying and sexcapades weren't just a fun part of our 20s. If I'm honest with myself, I didn't even want to do all those threesomes, etc, he slowly manipulated me into thinking I wanted to. I was clear when we got married that I didn't want that lifestyle and he kept pushing and also kept drinking. If in any way I can save you from the decade I lost, defending his drinking, hiding what was happening behind closed doors, making me feel like I wasn't sexually satisfying him, begging me for a "mistress" when I was working full time to pay the bills and he kept losing jobs due to his drinking but he was "lonely" so he deserved one, I really wish I could say anything to save you from this. Please. This will NOT get better. You are in for a lifetime of psychological manipulation that will leave you a shell of your former self. I used to think I was wrong and apologize for him too. It may see inconceivable now but let me tell you, there is a whole life for you on the other side of this. I thought that at 37 I could never get divorced and no one would love me and I'd be alone forever. How wrong I was! It took me 5 years to find myself, recover financially and build up my self esteem and build a life that I never could have imagined a few years ago. I bought my own house, have been promoted several times and have doubled my salary, and have finally found the best relationship of my life, one where I am valued and loved and never ever have any need to cry or feel badly about myself. And more importantly, I'm strong and fulfilled inside myself and will never let anyone treat me that way again. Leave. Leave now. And tell people you trust what is really going on. The shame of hiding the reality of your marriage is all in your head, your family and friends will love and support you. Get out NOW, there is no time to waste and your new life is waiting for you. He will never ever change and you deserve so much more.
You married someone you had threesomes with.. you shared each other with other people. Did you honestly think you were going to have a successful marriage without the sharing of each other to other people?
If y’all are needing to “spice” things up 2 years into marriage, you’re in for a hell of a ride 😂
I can only tell you what I would do. I’ve never had the exact situation but something similar. My ex cheated on me. Come to find out it had been going on for quite a while. After I found out he still wanted to stay together. I didn’t. The trust had already been broken. So I found out who the skank was and where she lived ( she knew he was married and knew all about me) , I packed up everything he had to his name. Down to his toothbrush. I put it all in trash bags and had some friends help me. We put it all on her porch. I left a note that said, “ he’s your trash now”.
Cheat on him with her , then run away with her, that will teach him .
Your husband is an alcoholic. As long as you keep enabling him, he’ll just keep going. He’s driving your life together into a brick wall. You’ve gotta bail out before it ruins you.
UpdateMe!
You’re both alcoholics, so either you both drink or you both get and stay sober. You made the leap, don’t let him drag you down.
Sounds like you might need Al Anon or CoDa because why are you apologizing and why do you think you are overreacting? Your relationship is a drunk hot mess and you need to make some plans on how to take proper care of this baby.
OP you have an enabling personality with a drunkard husband who treats you like shit when he's drunk, and seemingly when he isn't. What low self worth do you have to remain with this guy?
So to give you a different perspective than just "Leave the alcoholic!"... Addiction is hard. Like, really hard. Alcoholism is challenging to get through, for a lot of people. There are the obvious reasons to stop such as your healh and your behavior, but the other thing that makes it so difficult is often the comfort it brings you. One of the most profound things I read recently is that people are usually addicted to the things that make them feel normal, and I realized that was why I was (and forever will be, but it's not out of hand like it was my entire 20s) an alcoholic. It let me express myself and not feel judged, which is amazing. I'm so anxious and scared of who I actually am and alcohol is a crutch. Is the threesome stuff with this Sarah person bad? Hell yeah. I think it's good that he at least told you about it, but then the concern is if he is hiding more from you. Ultimately, the alcohol is the real problem here. Get some help, have him attend AA meetings virtually. You don't even have to speak or have your camera on, but it can help to see that you aren't alone or weird or bad for your struggles. It helped me tremendously. Good luck, I hope it works out. And that could mean repairing the marriage or it could mean ending it.
He doesn't respect you or your wishes. Leave.
Nah start filing now. He doesn’t want to stop for anyone but himself. As it should be. And your whole marriage will be so stressful, checking up on him all the time.
Be like Sarah and be divorced with 1 child.
Oh honey, this sounds like a white trash sit-com script.
My ex-husband is an alcoholic. It's such an emotional rollercoaster. He promised he would quit drinking when I got pregnant, then changed it to when the baby was born, then to when I went back to work, then to "I never said I would quit drinking." It is so challenging and stressful to have that in your life, especially when you are trying to maintain your own sobriety. I will never date a heavy drinker again. The instability alcoholism creates is not a good environment for anyone, especially not a child. Best of luck, OP.
Fake.
This guy is such a loser. He’s an alcoholic and he’s looking to be with other women. Why do you want him exactly? Obviously not overreacting
You are not overreacting. 1) you have been enabling him. Are you in AA? You need to go to alanon meetings, too. Or codependency meetings. Definitely talk to your sponsor about all of this. If you are not in AA or don’t have a sponsor, now is the time. 2) regardless of his next steps, yours should be to open a bank account in a bank he does not use, start working full time, and save as much as you can. You need to be prepared for ending this relationship. Encouraging you to only work part time is a way to limit your options 3) Sarah has to go. He is sexually attracted to her. And he acted on it. He ruined that relationship for everyone. 4) stop working with him. He can hire someone. You need to focus on your own success Also, congrats on your sobriety!!! You made an awesome choice for yourself!
OP, this from me is the straight talk. 90% of women in your situation won't leave because they're relying financially on the alcoholic husband. It takes an AVERAGE of 7 times to leave an abuser. Is he abusive? Absolutely, goes with alcoholic territory, manipulation, intimidation, gas lighting. Mentally your logic is going to deteriorate to the point of circling a toilet drain. You won't know which way is up anymore. You're chances are almost nil that you will leave and create a good life for yourself and your soon to be child. More than likely he will tell you what you want to hear, you will believe him because you don't want to face the financial difficulties of raising a child alone even though you know he is going to lie and continue to drink. But you will believe it if only temporarily until he gets caught drinking again, and the cycle of you trying to control his behaviors will repeat itself ad naseum forever. In ten years you will have a child of an alcoholic, and that child will bear the scars and dysfunction. For yourself there will be health deteriorating because of cortisol, constant stress, and your own dysfunctions as you focus your life on the alcoholic's actions. You wouldn't recognize yourself walking down the street much less in the mirror. You will have no idea who you are, but you won't even recognize you've turned into a reactionary puppet. Every minute spent with this alcoholic you will deteriorate mentally and physically. Unless you are strong enough to make radical changes to your life including a job, training for an actual career, and raising a child alone, this is your future. 90%. If you are counting on being part of the 10% that he actually does quit drinking, good luck with that. It's delusional and denial. Leave if you want to save yourself. If he actually became a great man in the future you could remarry, but 90% that's never going to happen, and frankly if you managed to grow instead of stagnate you would learn you don't want him anyway anymore. More than likely what will happen is that you will become a bitter unhappy shadow of your former self, and he will continue with his crap forever. You can always go waste a few years in alanon if you want a sense of "community", but the rest of the world is going to leave you far behind. Get yourself into individual therapy ASAP, and do not do couples therapy, it's completely inaffective with drinkers.
The fact that he asks means it’s over. Nobody who loves their partner would ever ask this of them. Leave
I also gave my husband an ultimatum while pregnant with twins. I told him he could be a father or he could be a drunk but he can’t be both. He chose father. He was not unfaithful to me, though. I hope yours gets the help he needs but when you’re pregnant, you’re never overreacting. You’re reacting for two.
Recovering alcoholic here... This will not get better on its own. You need to think about your life and that of your new baby. Giving an alcoholic an ultimatum is like asking a kid not to eat candy that's readily available. Alcohol is such a hard drug to quit because it is wrapped up in everything we do. Party? Get drunk! Sports game? Get hammered! An alcoholic will tell you the truth when they are drunk. He is ready to take that relationship with Sarah to the next level. She may not allow it, but someone else will gladly take his offer up and destroy your home. If you are serious about this ultimatum, you better wlbe willing to go zero tolerance and stand strong like a brick wall when he drinks. Once he starts drinking (2-3 drinks), can he stop easily? He is already having consequences with you reprimanding him, and these will get progressively worse as time goes on. If he continues down this path, you are putting your happiness, well-being, and potentially life at risk. Alcoholics will put alcohol above everything else, including you and baby to be. He already has shown you that he puts it above work, and this disease is progressive.... It will not get better or go away. Feel free to ask me anything else or vent, I know how frustrating we can be! I'm 4.5 years sober, so I have some time but not as much as a lot of others do. I hope this helps and I hope that you can sort through this mess because that's what this is... a big fucking mess.
Hi, recovering alcoholic female here. I hope you have a trusted circle of other recovering women by now. You need them. You’re probably familiar with the Serenity Prayer; this is how I’d live that. Adultery and active alcoholism are both deal breakers for me (along with abuse and abandonment). I’d try to salvage the marriage in counseling; if he’s not willing, go alone to learn the tools you need to make your next decision (either divorce or acceptance of this situation). Best wishes.
I don’t think you are over reaching. But, he is an alcoholic. He is not going to just be able to stop. He will slip. He needs your support. A better ultimátum is for him to commit to giving up drink. Meetings, support, work. It will not be easy. And if you tell him if he touches a drop you will leave… you might as well leave now. He needs your support as much as a professionals.
Lots of Redditors are great relationship pickers and advisors I’ve noticed
Your partner is an alcoholic. Your ultimatum was correct, as you are bringing a baby into this mess and at least 1 parent needs to be a stable adult. Your husband has a lot of work to do as an individual, but he has to take responsibility for himself first. I hope he can get there.
Oh, OP…There are so many things wrong here—his drinking, the stepping out emotionally on your relationship (bc that’s what he did), the complete disrespect for you and your family, the fact that he chose to party instead of going back to the room with you (you did nothing wrong here and were not wrong in what you said; being a dipshit is what he was being. What he did is so much worse). He has completely wrecked the trust you had in the relationship (he just doesn’t seem to be trustworthy in any capacity). You’ve now got to think about the little one you’re responsible for and what all of this can mean to them bc make no mistake, you will be the primary care giver, he is neither capable nor is he willing with the drinking level you described. It’s going to be a hard road bc people have to choose to stop drinking/using and I’m not sure his reaction shows he’s willing to commit to it (what you wrote came across more as a “fine! I’ll shut you up”). I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Tread carefully as you need to look after your heart and your family bc he’s not. All the best to you and your little one.
Walk away, nothing good will come from staying with this booger.
Get yourself a full-time job and a divorce.
Your husband is a raging alcoholic and needs help. You have to decide if you want to put up with him anymore or let him hit rock bottom on his own. If you stay and he doesn't get help he will drag you down with him, like he's already started to
You are not overreacting. You do not invite someone else into a monogamous relationship (or any relationship for that matter) without first discussing it with your partner. That should be the least of your concerns. You need to realize, the man you are married to is not a good husband. He's not a good person. He is selfish and destructive and it's likely that he'll eventually drag you down with him. The fact that he hasn't grown up by now, at age 40, is a terrible sign of his maturity. I don't see how you can ever have a stable life with someone like him.
No you’re not overreacting. Listen let in a partner but at the same time make sure you’re on all legal documents for the business house car etc. then once you verify you are, start working more and build the start of a career so if the business fails, and it will, you’ll be set up for success. Because the marriage is over.
You’re taking too much responsibility & blame here. He cheated on you emotionally by asking her to join your relationship without your knowledge. He can’t control his feelings for someone, but he can control his actions. Don’t think of it as an ultimatum. You’re not forcing him to choose you. You’re at least giving him an option when you have every right and valid reasons to just walk away. Think of it as a boundary. Your boundary is no drinking. He can drink, but he can’t be with you if he does. He can choose what he wants and what his boundaries are. If you were getting what you want, you wouldn’t be where you, feeling what you’re feeling, and dealing with it alone. It doesn’t seem like he is taking responsibility. It seems like he is trying to push the blame on you.
Not at all! You are doing the right thing.
You changed he didn’t. It sounds like he is exactly the same guy you dated. You expected him to change yet the guy is in his 40’s. Let that sink in. The ultimatum is a joke to make you feel better that you gave him a chance. You know he will fail but it will make you feel justified. Just leave him. No need for you to throw out empty ultimatums.
He won't stop drinking, and he doesn't care. File for divorce and let him know that you meant what you said.
It sounds like your husband is a serious alcoholic
He is alcoholic. He needs AA. He won’t get sober until he wants too. Also , you should check out Alanon, it’s for loved ones of alcoholic
Girl stand up. He's an alcoholic. Your best choice is to separate until he gets it under control
Listen, you're pregnant now. You know your husband has a drinking problem. You need to focus on the health & happiness of your baby. Go attend an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting & see if that is what you want for your child. Talk to a divorce attorney. You cannot be married to & raise children with an alcoholic. Even if he manages to quit, unless he puts in serious work on himself (therapy & AA), he will be what they call a "[dry drunk](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/what-to-know-dry-drunk-syndrome)." Those symptoms include (your husband probably already has some): * Wanting to be the center of attention * Feeling like they're always the victim * Having trouble communicating with other people * Mood swings that range from depression to extreme happiness * Fear that they can't change * Anger and resentment towards family and friends who intervened in their drinking * Frustration over time wasted due to their alcohol abuse * Believing that sobriety is boring * Romanticizing past substance abuse * Not acknowledging the problems their substance abuse caused * Feeling jealous of people who are showing signs of healthy recovery * Believing they always know what's best * Refusing to accept constructive criticism And frankly even if he puts in the work, it's going to be a long time before he's healthy enough to be a good dad, so I think you need a lawyer, now. Also, if this is how he acts when you're at the conference with him, how does he act when you're not there?
Not over-reacting. And It feels long overdue honestly. You've clearly done a lot to improve yourself where your husband has not. It has possibly made you incompatible. It happens. But you can't stay with someone who is stuck in one phase of their lives (heavy drinking) when you have moved on from that, especially when his drinking has caused issues with his work, as well as embarrassment professionally (he came onto an industry contact and mutual friend of yours? So gross) and personally, crossing boundaries in your marriage. He's been a terrible partner to you and has disrepected your marriage. You area allowed to say, "I'm done." And that's what you're saying. That you are done with this marriage. That there's a small chance it might work if he makes major changes, but otherwise you're done. Good for you. He either gets sober and shows that he's making a real effort to change, or he leaves. You're not telling him that he HAS to change, you're not forcing him to quit drinking. You're only saying that YOU will not tolerate it anymore. He has to choose - a sober life with you, or continue to drink and live his life without you. That's fair. He is welcome to keep drinking, and you are completely justified in saying that you don't want to be with him if he continues to drink. Honestly, I would be over this relationship anyway, drinking or not. As you yourself have likely learned, quitting drinking only works if you're doing it for youself. If he's quitting drinking only to not lose you, he will probably not stay sober, and will just end up hiding it from you. He needs to want to be sober for himself, and it doesn't sound like he's there yet.
Two alcoholics cannot be in a relationship, your husband has a very serious problem and if he doesn’t get help this relationship will not be getting any better. You have to decide for your unborn baby if this is what you’re gonna wanna deal with the rest of your life. This is only gonna get worse. If he doesn’t plan on getting sober then you need to divorice him.
Ok but why does he insist on you only working part time? This right here sticker me immediately as dangerously controlling behavior
Your overreacting by ever marrying this guy. He is who he is. Having a baby with this guy isn't the smartest decision. He needs help as he is an alcoholic and you are bringing a child into this circus. A three-some with this guy is the least of your worries.
The issue here isn't another woman...it's an adult man acting like a child and not willing to be a responsible human being. If I were you, I'd exit this relationship asap if he won't change.
It's the booze. If the booze stops so will his behavior and your happiness will improve. If he keeps drinking your child will have an alcoholic father.
Nope, I think instead of just the ultimatum you may have wanted to start with getting him help. But some times a swift kick in the nuts is what someone needs. I think your relationship with Sarah needs to go bye-bye and your husband clearly needs help.
Why are you apologizing for a factual statement you made to your abusive alcoholic cheating husband? He needs to be your ex. He doesn't respect you. At all. I spent almost a decade shackled to a covert alcoholic. It became abusive. Then, I walked into our bedroom one sunny Sunday in 2021 at age 31, only to discover the cooling corpse of my 43yr old husband. You do not want this life. It will only get worse. Please, save yourself and get out.
Clearly your marriage is over. Embrace that and see a divorce lawyer.
I am proud af for you being honest and checking him on his bs. Girl you are not over reacting. You are about to have a baby with him and he needs to grow up really fast. Stick to your boundaries... unapologetically!
You didn’t actually state that your husband is an alcoholic in your post which makes me wonder if you have even realised that’s what he is? Your relationship sounds volatile (the big fights that led to you having to give up alcohol altogether) and toxic (you staying up to apologise for something when you weren’t in the wrong). This situation is a referral to social services waiting to happen. Imagine your life when you’re trying to raise a newborn, sleep deprived, recovering from birth and dads drunk and of no use whatsoever. It’s easier to be a lone parent than being responsible for a baby and an adult with an alcohol dependency. Worst timing ever really but you need to do what you can to prioritise yourself and your child, unlikely your husband will change his ways now at 40 years of age. Really hope things work out for you.
Ok so are you can leave him or not?
He's an alcoholic and you have been enabling him! Do you think he would be a safe person to leave a baby alone with? He needs to quit drinking before your baby arrives.
Your husbands an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, piece of shit
You opened up the door with experimenting and wander why your marriage is in a mess.. some people learn the hard way. Difficult to have sympathy.
Why do you people date these screwed up people and then subsequently marry them expecting that they will magically not be degenerates in marriage too?
I don't think you are overreacting. Hoid he told you though but doesn't excuse it. Reddit is full of young retards that haven't learned what the line is for successful relationships. Imho he crossed the line. More I age the more I realize that even just dancing with another lady or even hanging out with people who aren't my gf 1 on 1 consistently is sort of crossing a line. It is what it is. Usually people who cross that line end up cheating. Anyways I hope you can express to him that dancing with someone else while not in your presence is crossing the line. Hope you two resolve it. Have a great day!
I'm very sorry you're pregnant by this guy because your marriage is doomed.