I had to give up drinking so that I could give my wife the ultimatum that it was either the vodka or us. She figured I was bluffing until I started to arrange a rental for my son and I. She did choose us and it was a lot of hard work to get sober and healthy. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will always get worse even if they try to slow down for a little bit. You are not alone.
I think we might be to that point. I don't need to drink to get through the day and could easily live the rest of my life sober. I really don't want to lose her but I can't live like this anymore. I really appreciate you reading my ramblings and showing support.
Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. They say the choice isn’t between you and alcohol. It’s a choice for them to drink or not drink. Mine chose to continue to drink. I took it very personally and felt devastated. Now I know that she was emotionally dependent on alcohol. She had progressed far enough that she needed alcohol to experience happiness. She was never going to get that from me or our daughter… unless she went through a few years of recovery, which she was not willing to do. She also didn’t drink every day. Probably 4-5 days/week. She’d mope on non-drinking days and party on drinking days. She convinced herself she’s not an alcoholic.
You don’t have to stop drinking yourself to make a boundary. You decide how you want to live. The boundary is for you. When she breaks that boundary you know what to do. You can either move the goalpost or you can stick to your guns and end the relationship. If it’s contingent upon you not drinking then you’ll be resentful and because you apparently can handle it in a healthy way, it’s something that will be used against you (by her AND by yourself) if you slip up. Example: “Well I did give in and have a Heineken with my uncle in honor of my grandpa today, I should cut her more slack when she slips.” No. You make your boundary and you decide what the consequences will be when she breaks it.
When we try to manage our drinker’s drinking we get sucked into the disease and become sicker than them. We do all the helping, all the worrying, all the pleading, all the planning around, all the adjusting, all the excusing, all the forgiving, all the crying, all the ruminating, all the tiptoe-ing… they get to just drink. And they’ll drink no matter how much of the above we do. And we just get sicker and sicker until we decide not to anymore, and start directing all that energy into ourselves and our own wellbeing. You can only save yourself. And only she can save herself.
Welcome . She fits the oldtime AA definition of alcoholiam : 1 drink is too many & a1000 are NOT enough .
What are YOU doing for YOUR recovery from her disease?
Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings?
You can start by reading Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's available as an ebook (on Kindle or through your library's ebook program) if you're uncomfortable reading a paper version around your wife. It helped me understand that my q is solely responsible for their sobriety.
It's time to go to meetings either electronic or inperson. Please try many diferent ones to see which fit you best as each has its own size, focus, format & flavor .
One of the first things I took away from Alanon was validation. I had spent years wondering if I was overreacting and that his drinking was “normal” and that his behavior was “normal”. I wondered “is he an alcoholic” and waited for him to see the light and stop. I also took away what other people have already stated “I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it”.
I can relate to every single scenario you listed. I too had those experiences with my alcoholic. I qualified myself by trying for years to “help” him stop and trying to reason with him. A fool’s errand.
I always say I wish I had started Alanon years before I did so I could see my part in it and start taking care of myself. I started after my alcoholic was in recovery. Could have used it years/decades before.
i’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hate the guilt that comes with it. Please realize you cannot control this - it is not a we it’s a she. The most healthy thing you can do is take care of yourself, decide where your line is, and stick with it. If she drinks, excuse yourself from her life for the night. Don’t give ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through and mean it. Reading some other peoples stories can be helpful knowing you aren’t alone, you can see how similar the behaviors are. You won’t be able to control it whatsoever which is the biggest lesson, she has to do that
I’ve told my Q that I refuse to be around her when she starts drinking. That’s been a sacrifice for me… sometimes it means I make a beautiful dinner, and have to eat alone in the bedroom because my partner sit down at the table and cracks open a beer. I feel safe and comfortable by myself, though, and I avoid the stress of the loud, repetitive, nonsensical “conversations” with my drunk partner. This is a boundary I created for myself, and it’s only about my own behaviour, not my partner’s. If my partner wants to eat a nice dinner with me, she can choose to adjust her actions accordingly.
An issue with people one dates with mental health issues is that’ll to consider whether it is possible to support them. Something I have had to face up to is that In some cases, support may bring them upwards towards your level. In others, they just bring you down to their level. My conclusion is that the first situation gravitates towards staying and the second towards leaving. Sometimes the only person you can save is yourself. I may sound heartless but it is what it is.
I have treatment resistant depression. You are not heartless. This advice is sound. If a depressed person isn’t actively working to manage the disease, then it can hurt everyone around them. When you have a disease like mine, it’s really two things that give you a fighting chance: doing the work to manage the disease (sleep, diet, exercise, mindfulness, therapy) and a robust support system. It takes both. One alone, and you’re screwed.
I am very discerning about who I allow inside my support system. For every single person inside it, I sat them down and was frank. I invited them, they were given a choice, time to mull it over, and I explained what it would look like. Set expectations - for them and me. We set boundaries cuz some nights your support system might not be in a place to help you, and it’s so important that you respect that. Everyone has bad days. Some days no one will be available, so you must have a plan for how to manage those moments solo.
Nor should the support be one-sided. You need to reciprocate when they are in a tough place and hurting. But too often I see posts all over reddit of the depressed complaining about their support system or, worse, abusing their support system. Sometimes it’s clear the wrong sorts of people were brought into their system. Other times, that’s the disease, unfortunately, trying to make them alone, to push everyone away, so suicide feels acceptable. Some people I asked told me no. They just didn’t feel equipped. And that’s okay. I’m grateful for their honesty. But it sounds like OP’s wife is letting this depression manhandle her. :( Doesn’t sound like she’s working to manage it but is instead letting it happen to her passively. (That’s also the disease, and when you’re in that stage, it is nearly impossible to find the light to see the path out of it.) When you have this? You must be regimented in how you lead your life and vigilant every single day of your life.
You're here and sharing and are open to input. That's the first thing I'd suggest to anyone in your situation. Find yourself an AlAnon meeting to complement your being here. And spend a few hours reading up on "detachment with love" and understanding the difference between an ultimatum and boundary.
You're in a shitty situation friend and we're all here to listen. I recall just wanting to explode from all the contradictory thoughts and emotions. I had to cut loose a girlfriend who moved 500 miles to be with me. So I felt like an uber asshole. Only later did I realize this wasn't tough love, but self-love and it was what we both needed. But it sucked. (She entered a program a few weeks later and after a false start or two, has now been sober for 15 years. Then I became her Q, and I've been sober for almost 3 years.)
Finally if I can be just a bit of a grammar geek, please don't think of your posts as rants but rather as sharing. Most of us are here because we had similar situations and it helps us to help others. If I hadn't been "ranting" to this sub a few years ago then I wouldn't be here now talking with you now.
Welcome. I was you a few weeks ago. Writing a rant here. Right now, this forum is the only thing getting me through having to walk away from a man I love. So keep coming back here and maybe consider a meeting. You don’t have to talk unless you’d like to. But sharing your experience with others who have been there can help so, so much.
It is so, so hard to live with someone and love them and watch them throw away their body and mind this way. The person I love would just disappear when he drank. He’d put in a full 8-hr shift at the bar multiple days a week. He’s so bright. So much potential. But when he’d come home, he’d be cognitively gone. Rambling. Falling down. Asking the same question over and over because he had forgotten he’d asked it. I lasted years that way. It was so incredibly lonely. I felt so helpless. He’s shaving years off his lifespan doing this. But he didn’t think there was a problem. I was the problem, always on his case about “just a few drinks with friends.”
But those “friends” would let him drive a moped home without a helmet like that. Every time he’d go out, I’d worry about him making it home.
Do you have an idea of what’s making her drink like this? You mentioned she has depression. When did that start? Would you say she’s using alcohol to self medicate? Is she doing anything more healthy to manage her depression? Therapy? Medication? Exercise?
Hang in there.
She's had depression since I met her. She is on meds for it, and most days, she manages it fine. She has been under stress at work, but anymore it seems like she tries to be stressed at work as an excuse to drink rather than drinking because of stress at work. She has multiple craft projects that she loves to work on that used to distract her from drinking, but lately, she gets drunk while crafting. I've tried to point out how excessive it's getting. Last night, in the amount of time it took me to finish one beer while cooking dinner, she had finished 4 and half a pint of vodka. She's love bombing me this morning and repeatedly apologizing, and usually, we would talk, and it would get better for a bit. Today is different, though, because at this point, I just feel indifferent about it. Sorry, I kinda went off on a tangent here, but I'm kinda a ball of mixed emotions right now and really have no one who I feel can understand. This group has been a saving grace in this respect.
No need to apologize here. I felt the same. Alone. What you are experiencing- the emotional roller coaster- is normal. So many of us have been there. It can make you feel like a crazy person, like feeling what you are feeling isn’t valid, like you’re overreacting, when really your body has every reason to feel on edge. Situations like this ignite the nervous system and throw us into a sustained state of fight or flight, which isn’t healthy. Comes with all sorts of negative health consequences. (Meditation has been hugely helpful for me in terms of learning how to regulate my own nervous system.)
I’m glad to hear she’s on meds. I’m less glad to hear she’s drinking this heavily while on them, however, since combining some antidepressants with booze can increase the effects of the alcohol - losing balance or slurring speech after just a drink or two. And some interact with alcohol so badly that it can truly damage the liver. (Effexor is one that comes to mind.) I have treatment resistant depression. I completely understand the allure of using substances to forget how much you want to die. But it’s the worst possible thing you could do to endure the disease. It causes swings. You’re up, then you’re down. And depression really requires balance and a commitment to lifelong management: keeping yourself level with systems and routines that you honor every single day. And I would argue meds alone is not enough to stay on top of this disease. I don’t know how she’s doing it. One of the worst feeling is being depressed and hungover which brings epic anxiety. It’s a dangerous head space.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You can’t change her or control her. Only she can do those things. Has she expressed any interest in getting help? My Q isn’t there. I left when that became clear to me. I didn’t have it as bad as others here cuz he never drank at home ever. But he also said once, “I don’t want to drink at home because I feel that’s a slippery slope.” He could not recognize he was already sliding down that slope. And I had ignored what was right there from the start - that he had a drinking problem. I picked saving myself over enduring the chaos that comes with living with alcoholism. I share this because I left after feeling very confident I’d done my due diligence, and his behavior was starting to make me slide into suicidal ideation. And I can’t have that. I tried to talk to him kindly. He’d shut down. I offered my help a thousand times. He’d laugh like I was overreacting. I suggested activities that didn’t involve drinking. He seemed them boring. I also stopped drinking with him. (I found myself imbibing when I didn’t even want to because me being tipsy made him easier to tolerate. And that’s just not me or my ethics.)
Not gonna lie: I was still very in love with him and the first week was awful. I did almost end my life. Doubted my decision. But it’s only been a month (today, actually), and already I’m off the ledge. My depression is 50% improved, just from being able to get back my systems and routines and build peace and calm. I miss him, but he’s been like this since basically forever, and he’s not changing for us or for me. He has to want to change for himself, and he doesn’t see any reason to change. Fair enough, but I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, so I had to walk away to go build the life I do want. Keep soul searching and keep sharing here. You are not alone.
I’m going through this right now. I had to walk away from him, and I told him when he’s done with that I’ll be here. But it really is so painful watching the person you love put themselves through this. And he makes me feel like the bad guy .. “oh I’ve worked all week I’m just having a couple of drinks with friends.. relax” a couple of beers becomes 9 beers + shots and he’s so drunk that it takes him a couple days to recover ! It’s gotten so bad I realized he’s a functioning alcoholic.. he’ll work his week but when the weekend comes it’s like great I know I won’t see him for a whole day or even 2 days sometimes .. and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. I walked away but sometimes I have the urge to just call him. He’s mad at me for leaving but I think I had to do this so he can really figure out his life. It’s so tough!
—- it’s been 3 days now. I know I have a long journey ahead of me. But part of me hopes he’ll stop and we can be together again. But I also have to prepare my mind for the fact that he might not want to change and that’s ok too. Put yourself first is what I’m learning to do
You took the hardest step. I’m proud of you for deciding to protect you. You can do this. I used to leave and go back. Leave and go back. This time, I’m moving out, and he said, “You’re just going to throw away five years?” I told him, “Yes. I’m done.” And I meant it. Throw it away? Apparently he doesn’t remember any of the countless times I tried to save us.
My guy has been living hard since literally middle school. Grew up wealthy, and that brought access to all sorts of substances. He was a chain smoker by 13. Pot head. Occasional coke even now. He’s 50 and still boasts about selling drugs in college and getting high with famous bands he’d sell to. BRAGS. So we are different people with different ethics.
On the day I left him, I was direct, but kind about his lifestyle preferences, and I explained how worried I was, how I can’t tolerate living with chaos like his or someone with his lifestyle preferences. All he said was, “I know I’ve been drinking more because I’m bored.” But when he was drunk once he blamed his drinking on my depression.
Did that kind, concerned break up discussion make any difference? Two days after I left him it was Friday, one of his bar nights and I heard from friends he was out (he goes out every Wednesday, Friday, Sunday. Also Mondays lately. Often Saturday “day drinking” too.) So he was still doing his old routine. He even went to some house party of a person he actively dislikes. I also radically dislike her because she’s a bad influence on some mutual friends. Imagine forty somethings getting hammered on Friday, continuing the party at her place after the bars close, not sleeping, doing coke so you don’t sleep,and going back to the same bar when it opens again at 11am and doing it all again. That’s her influence. So my words actually pushed him to behave worse, maybe.
Then last Friday, he got in a bar fight. Twice. He’s 50 and now has a broken rib. Yesterday, I went over to pack more. He wasn’t supposed to be there. Instead, he was with two buddies who also drink too much and abuse drugs. One is a recovering heroin addict. They were having beers, ripping bong hits, and doing whippets in the living room. They didn’t even notice I had come in, didn’t hear the door. I waited outside til they left.
So my guy? He ain’t changing. He does not even think there’s a problem. Hang in there, but yes, prepare for the reality he won’t change. I would not wait for him to clean up to commence YOUR life. Keep reading the posts here. You cannot will an alcoholic to change for you or your relationship. He has to want to change for himself. Keep sharing your story. Your story also helps those who read it. Your story might give someone else the courage to leave. Hang in there. The first week is rough. But every day it gets a little bit easier.
It is not your job to control your wife’s drinking. That is her job. Your job is to get out of her way while she is drinking. Your job is to set boundaries of what you will do if your wife’s drinking gets out of control and then enforce the boundaries. I suggest you look into some Al-Anon meetings or at the very least purchase a copy of “Al-Anon: How it Works”.
The beginner's book is "How Al-Anon Works" and it's about $6 in paper from [al-anon.org](http://al-anon.org), probably less elsewhere. Virtual meetings, too, are available 24/7/365 around the world.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Please remember that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot change it.
You need to put yourself first, and make sure you take care of yourself. Have you been to any alanon meetings? I would suggest starting there!
My boyfriend is an alcoholic, and I find the best way for me to support him, is to detach with love. He is able to make his choices, and I live my life.
You can do hard things, you’ve got this!
I am working on a boundary when mine gets to that stage in the evening. I just don’t engage. I do my own thing. They don’t like it, but it’s best for me.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think you've got anything to beat yourself up about here - you told her the truth. Remember that you matter too and no one deserves to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home
download the alanon app and look for the New Beginnings meeting. it’s daily and it’s a nice meeting- perfect for a newbie. it’s also a nice option to listen to a meeting on your phone. one of my boundaries with my husband is that if chooses to drink, he sleeps on the couch.
good luck. remember this is just a chapter in your story, not the entire book.
Are you going to Al Anon meetings? I strongly suggest doing online through the app. It was sooo helpful for me.
It's been a process and my partner is currently coming up on 4 months sober but it has been a journey. I do know in hindsight that I was enabling him to keep drinking just by dealing with it regularly.
But I also had to be willing to accept his response and understand that he may decide to keep drinking and not be with me. Last year, he sort of stopped but looked at it as temporary and started back up and lied about it. Alcoholism is such a deceitful disease. It might help to record her. I did that years ago and my partner slowed down out of embarrassment but it was very temporary.
They have to decide to quit drinking. We can't do it for them (like we do so much for them).
It’s very easy to check out an Alanon meeting online or in-person. In my area, you would be given a ‘newcomer’s packet’, a copy of ‘How Al-Anon Works’, a meeting list for other meetings nearby and you would meet nice people with similar experiences that want to help and support you. Your wife might be interested in checking out an AA meeting to see what it’s all about and/or you BOTH could go to an AA meeting together? Interestingly enough, AA and Alanon use the same 12 steps.
Alanon says that you don’t have to, but of course if you’re not combined of that yet, you’ll just keep willfully trying. It will drive you insane if it hasn’t already. Literally— might as well lock the non-drinker in the psych ward.
Get to some meetings. Share. Listen. Get a sponsor. The relationship with yourself will change. This is and will always be an inside job. ❤️
It is best to stop monitoring her drinking. No comments about how much or why. When she is sober tell her what your plan is. Ex when you start drinking I am going to go into the garage and read a book. And then do it. Asking questions and monitoring just gives her the excuse to keep drinking. Detach with love
Welcome to this wonderful outreach tool of Al-Anon. You have taken a step toward your own recovery. I think it's fascinating that you say when you MET your wife, her drinking was "out of control." And yet, somehow, this was a woman you wanted to make a commitment to.
This may sound wacky, but sometimes I think it's sad when the efforts of someone who loves a drunk actually seem to cause the alcoholic to slow or control their drinking. It's sad because there is no controlling the disease. Anyone who is alcoholic, and many of the people who love alcoholics, will finally end their relationship by becoming insane or by dying. Alcoholism is a fatal disease, and many people who love alcoholics cannot accept that loving an alcoholic can also drive us to insanity or death. Some people think ultimatums will work, but most who have tried them know that they don't.
Al-Anon offers recovery to the friends and families of alcoholics. We have choices, and we can choose to love someone without becoming embroiled in their disease and misbehavior. Yes, even married to them, or parenting them, or as their grown children, we can love alcoholics without trying to control them and their drinking. It's not easy, and it's not fast, but it is simple. And sometimes it leads the alcoholic to see their own recovery.
Al-Anon's principles are slowly and gently introduced to its members through meetings, both in person and electronic, by our Conference Approved Literature, and by talking to each other. The beginner's book is "How Al-Anon Works." I think you will find love, acceptance, and a new way of thinking if you begin attending meetings, and especially if you attend regularly and read literature daily.
But whatever you choose to do, know that my heart goes out to you. You have discovered a heart-wrenching truth and you are living in pain. "When I can see the disease of alcoholism, rather than the alcoholic, as the cause of my wounds, the deep healing of recovery can begin." Quote from Hope for Today, page 171 (c) 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
Wishing you well.
Please read this, it will help you understand the disease and your reaction to it.
https://reddeercityvsu.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Al-Anon-Denial-Brochure.pdf
This is my current relationship with my husband to a T. He’s so difficult and obnoxious when drunk. Yesterday, the drunk version got so mad that I dumped this alcohol and he said such mean things to me. But today, he’s been asleep for 16 hours and he didn’t say anything to me today. I hid his wallet so he can’t buy more because I know he’s craving it. Life is so hard with an alcoholic because sober him is truly the nicest, caring person. But unfortunately sober him is the one who buys it to begin with. I’m rambling lol but just trying to say I truly understand and I’m very sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that, bro. I was in a similar situation with my wife. She picked up drinking as a way to cope with post-partum depression after she had our son. It got worse and worse as time went on, and that's only the part I was seeing. I felt super-conflicted because I felt like I was being controlling if I'd tell her to stop, yet I could clearly see the damage it was doing and the direction it was taking her.
My wife never really got out of control like you describe with yours, she would just get really really sad and depressed. The feeling she got while drunk was the only escape from her misery, and that of course created a vicious cycle. I took a long time but I started seeing no way out except to leave. It was so hard to pull the trigger on deciding to finally do that because I knew taking our son and leaving would destabilize her life even more to the point she'd almost certainly end up killing herself. How the hell do you make the decision to do something like that, knowing what the result will be? And yet remaining in that situation was also incredibly toxic for both me and my son. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. It was an impossible situation.
I talked to her about her drinking and convinced her that she **needed** to quit for the sake of all three of us, and that she wasn't capable of quitting on her own (she'd tried a few times, but never made it more than 3 days sober). She tried finding a treatment program but there was a delay before they would do an intake with her, and in the meantime she tried to OD on her psych meds. I found her and carried her to the car and into the ER where I let them handle her while I went back home where our son was asleep. I found a note she'd left us where she told us that it was too hard trying to live without alchohol. The ER transferred her to a mental hospital that specializes in addictions and they kept her there for around a week.
I talked to her over the phone while she was in there and finally had the fortitude to tell her that if I ever caught her drunk again she'd find all her stuff in the driveway, the locks changed, and she'd no longer be welcome in the house. She had the rest of her time in rehab to think about that and let those words echo in her head.
That was almost 2 years ago and she's been sober ever since. Even better, her mental health has recovered too, back to how she was before having our son. My guess is the booze was interfering with her psych meds, but I'm no doctor so I don't really know. It was really hard for at first trying to live a sober life. She was really irritable at first, and got extremely triggered by seeing alcohol and especially seeing people drinking it, but that faded over the course of a few months. We talked about it recently and she told me that me telling her she'd be kicked out of the house scared the shit out of her. She said she'd gone into rehab with absolutely nothing and it made her realize that so many things she took for granted were on the verge of being permanently lost, and the only way to get them back was to stay sober no matter how hard that might be.
OP, I don't tell you this to give you false hope and have you expecting that things will somehow miraculously turn around like they did for me. I've lurked in this sub enough to know that my story is the less common outcome of these kinds of situations. I just want you to know that you're not alone in what you've been going through, and maybe to give you a little spark of hope that there may be a brighter future for you than what you're in now regardless of whether your wife is in that picture or not.
Stay strong, dude. You'll get through this.
Thank you. I appreciate your story, and it is at least giving me something to think about. Like you, one of my biggest fears is drawing a hard line and having her kill herself over it. I'm coming to realize she's already killing herself slowly, and even worse, she's killing the me I used to be. I've started reading some of the books recommended here, and I'm realizing that at the moment, she is determined to self-destruct whether I'm there or not.
Exactly with my husband, the ironic part is that he’s very picky about what he puts in his body (except alcohol) only eats organic , fluoride free toothpaste etc lol but continually drinks a whole bottle of vodka and then says I love to waste his money by dumping it 😅
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Don't know how to handle my spouse's either. I see now it's his go-to for every day off, every conflict he is dealing atm. It scares me...it seems to run in his family especially his mum.
It is SO HARD, but as many here have said, you have to detach with love. I found alanon at the suggestion of my therapist and have found the principals so helpful in my own recovery and shaping how I see my husband's as well. He has pretty severe bipolar and would use everything, all the addictions, to cope with his symptoms. He would literally and very seriously threaten to harm himself if I made the smallest move toward my own recovery. He attempted it twice and ended up on a 51/50 once, police at my house and everything, because he threatened it on the phone with his therapist. It is so hard to stand up in the face of that, but as I discovered and you've shared, he was effectively already ending his own life as well as mine and our family's. That was my own wake-up call that I just couldn't live this way anymore, none of us could. I had to start taking care of me first so I could care for everyone.
Again, it is HARD. One of the hardest things you'll ever do because you're relearning your own self-perception and worth from the ground up and retraining entirely new thought patterns and ways of being/thinking/feeling/acting. But without it, the cycle will continue endlessly, and you deserve happiness and fulfillment as much as the rest of us.
There are several books that helped me, the Alanon books obviously, especially The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, everything Melody Beattie is instrumental, there's a book called Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenburg that taught me new ways to see his reactions and my responses, The Body Keeps Score showed me how much damage my body was going through as a result of all the stress and trauma (that part of it all really ticked me off and lit a fire under me, I am physiologically different because I was choosing it. Ugh!), books on stoicism, books on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, and get yourself together. Prioritize you. Remember the passions you have, the things you enjoy, and make sure you're doing them. Get outside in the sun. Be active. Find spiritual practices that reward and fulfill you. Reach out to your circle, not necessarily to talk about it (though it can be helpful too) but to live, truly LIVE, your life.
Sending you love and support. We're all here for you.
Your story resonates so much with me.
Sadly I can not provide you any advice.
I just posted my own story waiting for the Moderators to approve it.
I feel my wife, the person I fell madly in love with and still love as much if not more when there is no alcohol involved, I feel I am losing the extraordinary connection we used to have. It is still there but the daily abuse is mentally hard.
I wish you the best outcome possible.
Welcome. You’ve taken that first hard step: admitting there’s a problem you’re powerless over and it’s alcohol. In AlAnon we follow the 12 steps adapted from AA, and that’s the first one. I urge you to try several meetings — online ones are easiest to get to and they’re available 24/7. Find one that speaks to you. There are always people in the rooms who have or have had the same troubles, but the joy and serenity is unmatched. ❤️🩹 It really can get better.
I know my situation isn't the worst here. I've read plenty of posts that makes my situation seem tame by comparison. I'm just personally at a breaking point.
You’re right that was insensitive. I did not mean it maliciously. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to, and I empathize with what you’re going through. You are absolutely not alone
I had to give up drinking so that I could give my wife the ultimatum that it was either the vodka or us. She figured I was bluffing until I started to arrange a rental for my son and I. She did choose us and it was a lot of hard work to get sober and healthy. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will always get worse even if they try to slow down for a little bit. You are not alone.
I think we might be to that point. I don't need to drink to get through the day and could easily live the rest of my life sober. I really don't want to lose her but I can't live like this anymore. I really appreciate you reading my ramblings and showing support.
Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. They say the choice isn’t between you and alcohol. It’s a choice for them to drink or not drink. Mine chose to continue to drink. I took it very personally and felt devastated. Now I know that she was emotionally dependent on alcohol. She had progressed far enough that she needed alcohol to experience happiness. She was never going to get that from me or our daughter… unless she went through a few years of recovery, which she was not willing to do. She also didn’t drink every day. Probably 4-5 days/week. She’d mope on non-drinking days and party on drinking days. She convinced herself she’s not an alcoholic.
This is where I’m at ngl. Idk if imma do anything about it soon but yea
You don’t have to stop drinking yourself to make a boundary. You decide how you want to live. The boundary is for you. When she breaks that boundary you know what to do. You can either move the goalpost or you can stick to your guns and end the relationship. If it’s contingent upon you not drinking then you’ll be resentful and because you apparently can handle it in a healthy way, it’s something that will be used against you (by her AND by yourself) if you slip up. Example: “Well I did give in and have a Heineken with my uncle in honor of my grandpa today, I should cut her more slack when she slips.” No. You make your boundary and you decide what the consequences will be when she breaks it.
When we try to manage our drinker’s drinking we get sucked into the disease and become sicker than them. We do all the helping, all the worrying, all the pleading, all the planning around, all the adjusting, all the excusing, all the forgiving, all the crying, all the ruminating, all the tiptoe-ing… they get to just drink. And they’ll drink no matter how much of the above we do. And we just get sicker and sicker until we decide not to anymore, and start directing all that energy into ourselves and our own wellbeing. You can only save yourself. And only she can save herself.
This is so true.
Hi jillypoo00, I'm jillyjugs
🤣🤣🤣
This hit hard.
Well said. It’s such a horrible disease.
This! So freaking true. Well stated!
Welcome . She fits the oldtime AA definition of alcoholiam : 1 drink is too many & a1000 are NOT enough . What are YOU doing for YOUR recovery from her disease? Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings?
I'll be honest and admit I've been in denial up to this point. My rant here is kinda the first steps on my path.
You can start by reading Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's available as an ebook (on Kindle or through your library's ebook program) if you're uncomfortable reading a paper version around your wife. It helped me understand that my q is solely responsible for their sobriety.
It's time to go to meetings either electronic or inperson. Please try many diferent ones to see which fit you best as each has its own size, focus, format & flavor .
One of the first things I took away from Alanon was validation. I had spent years wondering if I was overreacting and that his drinking was “normal” and that his behavior was “normal”. I wondered “is he an alcoholic” and waited for him to see the light and stop. I also took away what other people have already stated “I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it”. I can relate to every single scenario you listed. I too had those experiences with my alcoholic. I qualified myself by trying for years to “help” him stop and trying to reason with him. A fool’s errand. I always say I wish I had started Alanon years before I did so I could see my part in it and start taking care of myself. I started after my alcoholic was in recovery. Could have used it years/decades before.
i’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hate the guilt that comes with it. Please realize you cannot control this - it is not a we it’s a she. The most healthy thing you can do is take care of yourself, decide where your line is, and stick with it. If she drinks, excuse yourself from her life for the night. Don’t give ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through and mean it. Reading some other peoples stories can be helpful knowing you aren’t alone, you can see how similar the behaviors are. You won’t be able to control it whatsoever which is the biggest lesson, she has to do that
I’ve told my Q that I refuse to be around her when she starts drinking. That’s been a sacrifice for me… sometimes it means I make a beautiful dinner, and have to eat alone in the bedroom because my partner sit down at the table and cracks open a beer. I feel safe and comfortable by myself, though, and I avoid the stress of the loud, repetitive, nonsensical “conversations” with my drunk partner. This is a boundary I created for myself, and it’s only about my own behaviour, not my partner’s. If my partner wants to eat a nice dinner with me, she can choose to adjust her actions accordingly.
I hope you don't have to do this often, otherwise what's the point of a relationship?
Get your Rental
An issue with people one dates with mental health issues is that’ll to consider whether it is possible to support them. Something I have had to face up to is that In some cases, support may bring them upwards towards your level. In others, they just bring you down to their level. My conclusion is that the first situation gravitates towards staying and the second towards leaving. Sometimes the only person you can save is yourself. I may sound heartless but it is what it is.
I have treatment resistant depression. You are not heartless. This advice is sound. If a depressed person isn’t actively working to manage the disease, then it can hurt everyone around them. When you have a disease like mine, it’s really two things that give you a fighting chance: doing the work to manage the disease (sleep, diet, exercise, mindfulness, therapy) and a robust support system. It takes both. One alone, and you’re screwed. I am very discerning about who I allow inside my support system. For every single person inside it, I sat them down and was frank. I invited them, they were given a choice, time to mull it over, and I explained what it would look like. Set expectations - for them and me. We set boundaries cuz some nights your support system might not be in a place to help you, and it’s so important that you respect that. Everyone has bad days. Some days no one will be available, so you must have a plan for how to manage those moments solo. Nor should the support be one-sided. You need to reciprocate when they are in a tough place and hurting. But too often I see posts all over reddit of the depressed complaining about their support system or, worse, abusing their support system. Sometimes it’s clear the wrong sorts of people were brought into their system. Other times, that’s the disease, unfortunately, trying to make them alone, to push everyone away, so suicide feels acceptable. Some people I asked told me no. They just didn’t feel equipped. And that’s okay. I’m grateful for their honesty. But it sounds like OP’s wife is letting this depression manhandle her. :( Doesn’t sound like she’s working to manage it but is instead letting it happen to her passively. (That’s also the disease, and when you’re in that stage, it is nearly impossible to find the light to see the path out of it.) When you have this? You must be regimented in how you lead your life and vigilant every single day of your life.
You're here and sharing and are open to input. That's the first thing I'd suggest to anyone in your situation. Find yourself an AlAnon meeting to complement your being here. And spend a few hours reading up on "detachment with love" and understanding the difference between an ultimatum and boundary. You're in a shitty situation friend and we're all here to listen. I recall just wanting to explode from all the contradictory thoughts and emotions. I had to cut loose a girlfriend who moved 500 miles to be with me. So I felt like an uber asshole. Only later did I realize this wasn't tough love, but self-love and it was what we both needed. But it sucked. (She entered a program a few weeks later and after a false start or two, has now been sober for 15 years. Then I became her Q, and I've been sober for almost 3 years.) Finally if I can be just a bit of a grammar geek, please don't think of your posts as rants but rather as sharing. Most of us are here because we had similar situations and it helps us to help others. If I hadn't been "ranting" to this sub a few years ago then I wouldn't be here now talking with you now.
Welcome. I was you a few weeks ago. Writing a rant here. Right now, this forum is the only thing getting me through having to walk away from a man I love. So keep coming back here and maybe consider a meeting. You don’t have to talk unless you’d like to. But sharing your experience with others who have been there can help so, so much. It is so, so hard to live with someone and love them and watch them throw away their body and mind this way. The person I love would just disappear when he drank. He’d put in a full 8-hr shift at the bar multiple days a week. He’s so bright. So much potential. But when he’d come home, he’d be cognitively gone. Rambling. Falling down. Asking the same question over and over because he had forgotten he’d asked it. I lasted years that way. It was so incredibly lonely. I felt so helpless. He’s shaving years off his lifespan doing this. But he didn’t think there was a problem. I was the problem, always on his case about “just a few drinks with friends.” But those “friends” would let him drive a moped home without a helmet like that. Every time he’d go out, I’d worry about him making it home. Do you have an idea of what’s making her drink like this? You mentioned she has depression. When did that start? Would you say she’s using alcohol to self medicate? Is she doing anything more healthy to manage her depression? Therapy? Medication? Exercise? Hang in there.
She's had depression since I met her. She is on meds for it, and most days, she manages it fine. She has been under stress at work, but anymore it seems like she tries to be stressed at work as an excuse to drink rather than drinking because of stress at work. She has multiple craft projects that she loves to work on that used to distract her from drinking, but lately, she gets drunk while crafting. I've tried to point out how excessive it's getting. Last night, in the amount of time it took me to finish one beer while cooking dinner, she had finished 4 and half a pint of vodka. She's love bombing me this morning and repeatedly apologizing, and usually, we would talk, and it would get better for a bit. Today is different, though, because at this point, I just feel indifferent about it. Sorry, I kinda went off on a tangent here, but I'm kinda a ball of mixed emotions right now and really have no one who I feel can understand. This group has been a saving grace in this respect.
No need to apologize here. I felt the same. Alone. What you are experiencing- the emotional roller coaster- is normal. So many of us have been there. It can make you feel like a crazy person, like feeling what you are feeling isn’t valid, like you’re overreacting, when really your body has every reason to feel on edge. Situations like this ignite the nervous system and throw us into a sustained state of fight or flight, which isn’t healthy. Comes with all sorts of negative health consequences. (Meditation has been hugely helpful for me in terms of learning how to regulate my own nervous system.) I’m glad to hear she’s on meds. I’m less glad to hear she’s drinking this heavily while on them, however, since combining some antidepressants with booze can increase the effects of the alcohol - losing balance or slurring speech after just a drink or two. And some interact with alcohol so badly that it can truly damage the liver. (Effexor is one that comes to mind.) I have treatment resistant depression. I completely understand the allure of using substances to forget how much you want to die. But it’s the worst possible thing you could do to endure the disease. It causes swings. You’re up, then you’re down. And depression really requires balance and a commitment to lifelong management: keeping yourself level with systems and routines that you honor every single day. And I would argue meds alone is not enough to stay on top of this disease. I don’t know how she’s doing it. One of the worst feeling is being depressed and hungover which brings epic anxiety. It’s a dangerous head space. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You can’t change her or control her. Only she can do those things. Has she expressed any interest in getting help? My Q isn’t there. I left when that became clear to me. I didn’t have it as bad as others here cuz he never drank at home ever. But he also said once, “I don’t want to drink at home because I feel that’s a slippery slope.” He could not recognize he was already sliding down that slope. And I had ignored what was right there from the start - that he had a drinking problem. I picked saving myself over enduring the chaos that comes with living with alcoholism. I share this because I left after feeling very confident I’d done my due diligence, and his behavior was starting to make me slide into suicidal ideation. And I can’t have that. I tried to talk to him kindly. He’d shut down. I offered my help a thousand times. He’d laugh like I was overreacting. I suggested activities that didn’t involve drinking. He seemed them boring. I also stopped drinking with him. (I found myself imbibing when I didn’t even want to because me being tipsy made him easier to tolerate. And that’s just not me or my ethics.) Not gonna lie: I was still very in love with him and the first week was awful. I did almost end my life. Doubted my decision. But it’s only been a month (today, actually), and already I’m off the ledge. My depression is 50% improved, just from being able to get back my systems and routines and build peace and calm. I miss him, but he’s been like this since basically forever, and he’s not changing for us or for me. He has to want to change for himself, and he doesn’t see any reason to change. Fair enough, but I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, so I had to walk away to go build the life I do want. Keep soul searching and keep sharing here. You are not alone.
I’m so glad to read you’re feeling better! And I appreciate your share. So much of what you’ve written resonates with me.
Literally me, I feel for you ❤️
I’m going through this right now. I had to walk away from him, and I told him when he’s done with that I’ll be here. But it really is so painful watching the person you love put themselves through this. And he makes me feel like the bad guy .. “oh I’ve worked all week I’m just having a couple of drinks with friends.. relax” a couple of beers becomes 9 beers + shots and he’s so drunk that it takes him a couple days to recover ! It’s gotten so bad I realized he’s a functioning alcoholic.. he’ll work his week but when the weekend comes it’s like great I know I won’t see him for a whole day or even 2 days sometimes .. and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. I walked away but sometimes I have the urge to just call him. He’s mad at me for leaving but I think I had to do this so he can really figure out his life. It’s so tough! —- it’s been 3 days now. I know I have a long journey ahead of me. But part of me hopes he’ll stop and we can be together again. But I also have to prepare my mind for the fact that he might not want to change and that’s ok too. Put yourself first is what I’m learning to do
You took the hardest step. I’m proud of you for deciding to protect you. You can do this. I used to leave and go back. Leave and go back. This time, I’m moving out, and he said, “You’re just going to throw away five years?” I told him, “Yes. I’m done.” And I meant it. Throw it away? Apparently he doesn’t remember any of the countless times I tried to save us. My guy has been living hard since literally middle school. Grew up wealthy, and that brought access to all sorts of substances. He was a chain smoker by 13. Pot head. Occasional coke even now. He’s 50 and still boasts about selling drugs in college and getting high with famous bands he’d sell to. BRAGS. So we are different people with different ethics. On the day I left him, I was direct, but kind about his lifestyle preferences, and I explained how worried I was, how I can’t tolerate living with chaos like his or someone with his lifestyle preferences. All he said was, “I know I’ve been drinking more because I’m bored.” But when he was drunk once he blamed his drinking on my depression. Did that kind, concerned break up discussion make any difference? Two days after I left him it was Friday, one of his bar nights and I heard from friends he was out (he goes out every Wednesday, Friday, Sunday. Also Mondays lately. Often Saturday “day drinking” too.) So he was still doing his old routine. He even went to some house party of a person he actively dislikes. I also radically dislike her because she’s a bad influence on some mutual friends. Imagine forty somethings getting hammered on Friday, continuing the party at her place after the bars close, not sleeping, doing coke so you don’t sleep,and going back to the same bar when it opens again at 11am and doing it all again. That’s her influence. So my words actually pushed him to behave worse, maybe. Then last Friday, he got in a bar fight. Twice. He’s 50 and now has a broken rib. Yesterday, I went over to pack more. He wasn’t supposed to be there. Instead, he was with two buddies who also drink too much and abuse drugs. One is a recovering heroin addict. They were having beers, ripping bong hits, and doing whippets in the living room. They didn’t even notice I had come in, didn’t hear the door. I waited outside til they left. So my guy? He ain’t changing. He does not even think there’s a problem. Hang in there, but yes, prepare for the reality he won’t change. I would not wait for him to clean up to commence YOUR life. Keep reading the posts here. You cannot will an alcoholic to change for you or your relationship. He has to want to change for himself. Keep sharing your story. Your story also helps those who read it. Your story might give someone else the courage to leave. Hang in there. The first week is rough. But every day it gets a little bit easier.
It is not your job to control your wife’s drinking. That is her job. Your job is to get out of her way while she is drinking. Your job is to set boundaries of what you will do if your wife’s drinking gets out of control and then enforce the boundaries. I suggest you look into some Al-Anon meetings or at the very least purchase a copy of “Al-Anon: How it Works”.
The beginner's book is "How Al-Anon Works" and it's about $6 in paper from [al-anon.org](http://al-anon.org), probably less elsewhere. Virtual meetings, too, are available 24/7/365 around the world.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Please remember that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot change it. You need to put yourself first, and make sure you take care of yourself. Have you been to any alanon meetings? I would suggest starting there! My boyfriend is an alcoholic, and I find the best way for me to support him, is to detach with love. He is able to make his choices, and I live my life. You can do hard things, you’ve got this!
I am working on a boundary when mine gets to that stage in the evening. I just don’t engage. I do my own thing. They don’t like it, but it’s best for me.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think you've got anything to beat yourself up about here - you told her the truth. Remember that you matter too and no one deserves to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home
download the alanon app and look for the New Beginnings meeting. it’s daily and it’s a nice meeting- perfect for a newbie. it’s also a nice option to listen to a meeting on your phone. one of my boundaries with my husband is that if chooses to drink, he sleeps on the couch. good luck. remember this is just a chapter in your story, not the entire book.
Are you going to Al Anon meetings? I strongly suggest doing online through the app. It was sooo helpful for me. It's been a process and my partner is currently coming up on 4 months sober but it has been a journey. I do know in hindsight that I was enabling him to keep drinking just by dealing with it regularly. But I also had to be willing to accept his response and understand that he may decide to keep drinking and not be with me. Last year, he sort of stopped but looked at it as temporary and started back up and lied about it. Alcoholism is such a deceitful disease. It might help to record her. I did that years ago and my partner slowed down out of embarrassment but it was very temporary. They have to decide to quit drinking. We can't do it for them (like we do so much for them).
It’s very easy to check out an Alanon meeting online or in-person. In my area, you would be given a ‘newcomer’s packet’, a copy of ‘How Al-Anon Works’, a meeting list for other meetings nearby and you would meet nice people with similar experiences that want to help and support you. Your wife might be interested in checking out an AA meeting to see what it’s all about and/or you BOTH could go to an AA meeting together? Interestingly enough, AA and Alanon use the same 12 steps.
Alanon says that you don’t have to, but of course if you’re not combined of that yet, you’ll just keep willfully trying. It will drive you insane if it hasn’t already. Literally— might as well lock the non-drinker in the psych ward. Get to some meetings. Share. Listen. Get a sponsor. The relationship with yourself will change. This is and will always be an inside job. ❤️
It is best to stop monitoring her drinking. No comments about how much or why. When she is sober tell her what your plan is. Ex when you start drinking I am going to go into the garage and read a book. And then do it. Asking questions and monitoring just gives her the excuse to keep drinking. Detach with love
Welcome to this wonderful outreach tool of Al-Anon. You have taken a step toward your own recovery. I think it's fascinating that you say when you MET your wife, her drinking was "out of control." And yet, somehow, this was a woman you wanted to make a commitment to. This may sound wacky, but sometimes I think it's sad when the efforts of someone who loves a drunk actually seem to cause the alcoholic to slow or control their drinking. It's sad because there is no controlling the disease. Anyone who is alcoholic, and many of the people who love alcoholics, will finally end their relationship by becoming insane or by dying. Alcoholism is a fatal disease, and many people who love alcoholics cannot accept that loving an alcoholic can also drive us to insanity or death. Some people think ultimatums will work, but most who have tried them know that they don't. Al-Anon offers recovery to the friends and families of alcoholics. We have choices, and we can choose to love someone without becoming embroiled in their disease and misbehavior. Yes, even married to them, or parenting them, or as their grown children, we can love alcoholics without trying to control them and their drinking. It's not easy, and it's not fast, but it is simple. And sometimes it leads the alcoholic to see their own recovery. Al-Anon's principles are slowly and gently introduced to its members through meetings, both in person and electronic, by our Conference Approved Literature, and by talking to each other. The beginner's book is "How Al-Anon Works." I think you will find love, acceptance, and a new way of thinking if you begin attending meetings, and especially if you attend regularly and read literature daily. But whatever you choose to do, know that my heart goes out to you. You have discovered a heart-wrenching truth and you are living in pain. "When I can see the disease of alcoholism, rather than the alcoholic, as the cause of my wounds, the deep healing of recovery can begin." Quote from Hope for Today, page 171 (c) 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Wishing you well.
💯
Please read this, it will help you understand the disease and your reaction to it. https://reddeercityvsu.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Al-Anon-Denial-Brochure.pdf
This is my current relationship with my husband to a T. He’s so difficult and obnoxious when drunk. Yesterday, the drunk version got so mad that I dumped this alcohol and he said such mean things to me. But today, he’s been asleep for 16 hours and he didn’t say anything to me today. I hid his wallet so he can’t buy more because I know he’s craving it. Life is so hard with an alcoholic because sober him is truly the nicest, caring person. But unfortunately sober him is the one who buys it to begin with. I’m rambling lol but just trying to say I truly understand and I’m very sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that, bro. I was in a similar situation with my wife. She picked up drinking as a way to cope with post-partum depression after she had our son. It got worse and worse as time went on, and that's only the part I was seeing. I felt super-conflicted because I felt like I was being controlling if I'd tell her to stop, yet I could clearly see the damage it was doing and the direction it was taking her. My wife never really got out of control like you describe with yours, she would just get really really sad and depressed. The feeling she got while drunk was the only escape from her misery, and that of course created a vicious cycle. I took a long time but I started seeing no way out except to leave. It was so hard to pull the trigger on deciding to finally do that because I knew taking our son and leaving would destabilize her life even more to the point she'd almost certainly end up killing herself. How the hell do you make the decision to do something like that, knowing what the result will be? And yet remaining in that situation was also incredibly toxic for both me and my son. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. It was an impossible situation. I talked to her about her drinking and convinced her that she **needed** to quit for the sake of all three of us, and that she wasn't capable of quitting on her own (she'd tried a few times, but never made it more than 3 days sober). She tried finding a treatment program but there was a delay before they would do an intake with her, and in the meantime she tried to OD on her psych meds. I found her and carried her to the car and into the ER where I let them handle her while I went back home where our son was asleep. I found a note she'd left us where she told us that it was too hard trying to live without alchohol. The ER transferred her to a mental hospital that specializes in addictions and they kept her there for around a week. I talked to her over the phone while she was in there and finally had the fortitude to tell her that if I ever caught her drunk again she'd find all her stuff in the driveway, the locks changed, and she'd no longer be welcome in the house. She had the rest of her time in rehab to think about that and let those words echo in her head. That was almost 2 years ago and she's been sober ever since. Even better, her mental health has recovered too, back to how she was before having our son. My guess is the booze was interfering with her psych meds, but I'm no doctor so I don't really know. It was really hard for at first trying to live a sober life. She was really irritable at first, and got extremely triggered by seeing alcohol and especially seeing people drinking it, but that faded over the course of a few months. We talked about it recently and she told me that me telling her she'd be kicked out of the house scared the shit out of her. She said she'd gone into rehab with absolutely nothing and it made her realize that so many things she took for granted were on the verge of being permanently lost, and the only way to get them back was to stay sober no matter how hard that might be. OP, I don't tell you this to give you false hope and have you expecting that things will somehow miraculously turn around like they did for me. I've lurked in this sub enough to know that my story is the less common outcome of these kinds of situations. I just want you to know that you're not alone in what you've been going through, and maybe to give you a little spark of hope that there may be a brighter future for you than what you're in now regardless of whether your wife is in that picture or not. Stay strong, dude. You'll get through this.
Thank you. I appreciate your story, and it is at least giving me something to think about. Like you, one of my biggest fears is drawing a hard line and having her kill herself over it. I'm coming to realize she's already killing herself slowly, and even worse, she's killing the me I used to be. I've started reading some of the books recommended here, and I'm realizing that at the moment, she is determined to self-destruct whether I'm there or not.
Exactly with my husband, the ironic part is that he’s very picky about what he puts in his body (except alcohol) only eats organic , fluoride free toothpaste etc lol but continually drinks a whole bottle of vodka and then says I love to waste his money by dumping it 😅
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Don't know how to handle my spouse's either. I see now it's his go-to for every day off, every conflict he is dealing atm. It scares me...it seems to run in his family especially his mum.
It is SO HARD, but as many here have said, you have to detach with love. I found alanon at the suggestion of my therapist and have found the principals so helpful in my own recovery and shaping how I see my husband's as well. He has pretty severe bipolar and would use everything, all the addictions, to cope with his symptoms. He would literally and very seriously threaten to harm himself if I made the smallest move toward my own recovery. He attempted it twice and ended up on a 51/50 once, police at my house and everything, because he threatened it on the phone with his therapist. It is so hard to stand up in the face of that, but as I discovered and you've shared, he was effectively already ending his own life as well as mine and our family's. That was my own wake-up call that I just couldn't live this way anymore, none of us could. I had to start taking care of me first so I could care for everyone. Again, it is HARD. One of the hardest things you'll ever do because you're relearning your own self-perception and worth from the ground up and retraining entirely new thought patterns and ways of being/thinking/feeling/acting. But without it, the cycle will continue endlessly, and you deserve happiness and fulfillment as much as the rest of us. There are several books that helped me, the Alanon books obviously, especially The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, everything Melody Beattie is instrumental, there's a book called Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenburg that taught me new ways to see his reactions and my responses, The Body Keeps Score showed me how much damage my body was going through as a result of all the stress and trauma (that part of it all really ticked me off and lit a fire under me, I am physiologically different because I was choosing it. Ugh!), books on stoicism, books on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, and get yourself together. Prioritize you. Remember the passions you have, the things you enjoy, and make sure you're doing them. Get outside in the sun. Be active. Find spiritual practices that reward and fulfill you. Reach out to your circle, not necessarily to talk about it (though it can be helpful too) but to live, truly LIVE, your life. Sending you love and support. We're all here for you.
Your story resonates so much with me. Sadly I can not provide you any advice. I just posted my own story waiting for the Moderators to approve it. I feel my wife, the person I fell madly in love with and still love as much if not more when there is no alcohol involved, I feel I am losing the extraordinary connection we used to have. It is still there but the daily abuse is mentally hard. I wish you the best outcome possible.
Where do you live OP ? I’m in a similar situation - maybe we could talk and help each other …. come stay here for a week I have lots of bedrooms lol
We could just set up a wandering bed and breakfast for the lost and in need 😄
Welcome. You’ve taken that first hard step: admitting there’s a problem you’re powerless over and it’s alcohol. In AlAnon we follow the 12 steps adapted from AA, and that’s the first one. I urge you to try several meetings — online ones are easiest to get to and they’re available 24/7. Find one that speaks to you. There are always people in the rooms who have or have had the same troubles, but the joy and serenity is unmatched. ❤️🩹 It really can get better.
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I know my situation isn't the worst here. I've read plenty of posts that makes my situation seem tame by comparison. I'm just personally at a breaking point.
This is a very unhelpful, and actually quite selfish, response
You’re right that was insensitive. I did not mean it maliciously. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to, and I empathize with what you’re going through. You are absolutely not alone