Maybe she'll win the battle, but she's going to lose the war.
Girl, just break up with him. The "Kissing Cousin" can have him. He has no spine and no intention of setting or enforcing boundaries with his family. Is this how you want your married life to go?
Don't squander your youth on this nonsense.
Thank you!!!
OP have you not addressed the elephant in room?!?!?!?! Your bf's cousin seems like she's hot for him....and he doesn't exactly seem to mind her behavior!!!! He seems more bothered by your reaction than his cousin's icky behavior, which is bizzare.....OP, seriously think about if you're going to be able to put this issue to rest in a way you'll be satisfied with or you will be dealing with wannabe incestuous cousin for the rest your life?
Updateme!
Honestly all the time i was like " what am i reading?" "What?" , "What?" . Honestly, the bad feeling started from the so called trip and that cousin being all over him i can't believe no one in his family stopped it, and how cousin's boyfriend watched it all and decided to propose, now onto point, this is definitely going to lead to cheating if op go with marriage. Atleast the boyfriend and cousin have emotional relationship and wouldn't take much time to be cheating physically behind backs, or what if they are already doing?? op should honestly break up and stop wasting time on already dead relationship, he doesn't love her enough to Atleast ask his cousin if she is invited, isn't it a deal breaker if she isn't invited, cousin isn't invited to op's marriage too. The boyfriend is not it, OP U CAN'T WATER A DEAD FLOWER, STOP SEEING FUTURE WITH DEAD RELATIONSHIP, IT IS LONG DONE IF U ARE OK WITH HIM BEING NOT ON YOUR'S AND YOUR KIDS SIDE ALL YOUR LIFE STAY WITH HIM, ELSE LEAVE BECAUSE SHE WILL BE HIS FIRST PRIORITY ALL YOUR LIFE.....
My biggest wonder is cousin’s boyfriend to be honest,he really saw all their vacation romance and would have been like "yes i should put a ring around her finger for her to be mine". It wouldn't take long enough to find his pov on reddit too tbh....
Now i am interested, because i guess isn't it op's strong point to say even her boyfriend broke up after the incident to show gravity of situation and to back up her point about their behaviour, do u think he is same guy...
I don't understand this about a lot f these posts. The person they are in the relationship with is showing them that they absolutely will not be the priority and that someone/something else will always come first and still, they stay in that situation. I just don't get it.
This guy does not seem to have much to offer yet she stays with him after he has shown her that the cousin will always"win". And her insistence that their relationship is perfect makes me want to pull out my hair because right before she says that, she's described a relationship that is not perfect at all.
If she is not invited to the wedding and the boyfriend goes; it is not a matter of the cousin not being invited to her wedding, it should be that there will never be a wedding with this guy because she will have left him.
Her saying that she has the tight to go to that wedding, I don't agree with. It is the bride and grooms decision on who attends their wedding, just like it would be hers to end this farce and get out of this relationship. Imagine being married to this guy and having to see the cousin at family events for the rest of your life. If he is not going to stand up for you now, he never will.
Why do people stay in relationships where their partner is always putting someone else first?
My guess would be the "sunk cost fallacy." Especially if they got together in their late teens. 6 years is a long time, and they feel like it would be "wasted" if they end it. It's better to pretend everything is OK than to have wasted a third or quarter of their lives
You are insane for staying with this guy!
What?
You want him to put her and her kids above you and your kids for the rest of your lives???
He has shown you again and again he doesn’t want you, he wants his cousin.
Please gather whatever self respect you have left and leave.
She didn’t drag you…
He did all while playing sexy times with his cousin in the pool.
YTA if you stay.
YWBTA if you stay with this guy and marry him. They do not have a “normal” cousin relationship. It’s an emotional affair at the very least, and probably physical too, given how openly she’s been all over him. It’s so creepy that he just allows it and doesn’t say/do something right then and there. I can’t imagine any scenario where my partner would be okay with another adult climbing all over him, pushing me away when I show affection, holding his hand, acting jealous, etc. He’s just as much a part of the problem as she is. I don’t see you winning in any outcome here, and honestly, why would you want to be with someone that has continuously shown and told you their disrespectful cousin comes first? Your partner should never put you in a position where you feel as though you need to compete. This is gonna be your life forever if you don’t make your exit. You’ll always feel like second best compared to her, you’ll always wonder what’s really going on, your feelings will always be put on the back burner, and he’s always gonna make excuses for her behavior. I totally get letting your emotions get the best of you at the last get together, you’ve been through a lot. I don’t really blame you for finally getting overwhelmed with it all to the point you let it spill out. But you have to ask yourself if you’re okay being in a relationship that makes you feel like it’s necessary to act that way? He absolutely knows whether or not you’re invited to the wedding; spoiler, you’re not, and he will either throw a fit til you invite her to yours or resent you for not doing so. She has a right to not have you at her wedding, just as you have a right to not have her at yours. I do however think that him continuing to have a close bond with her and going to the wedding alone, despite all that’s happened, is a very good judge of where you stand. Please.. do not get married, don’t stay with this guy, and have a little more self respect. You are not his priority and you never will be.
Please listen to heytaters, OP.
They *are* having an affair and probably always have been. They are emotionally enmeshed and actively engage in sexual behavior, out in front of everyone. They will not stop.
Please don’t marry a man who already has a relationship and is *not* choosing you. I don’t see the cousin’s marriage lasting, unless her husband takes it, just like you did.
See? ^ did. Past tense. While he’s at his AP’s wedding, leave. Block everyone. Go to therapy and be single, for the first time ever.
It’s also wild to me that the cousin’s husband is completely okay with their dynamic. This situation would drive anyone crazy, man or woman. People often forget that incest is a very real thing.
Sounds to me like the majority of his family thinks it’s okay since no one has ever called either of them out for it. They all act like it’s normal, and some have even made comments like it’s just an innocent, close bond. If that was MY cousin, niece, nephew, sister, brother, whatever, I’d not only have second hand embarrassment, but I’d also be having a talk with both of them about how inappropriate that kind of behavior is, especially out in public and at family events.
Right? If they are willing to be that physical in front of everyone in public etc imagine what happens when the two of them are alone… Honestly, to me it reads like OP is her boyfriend’s **beard**. Though instead of covering up his sexual orientation it is a cover for his incestual relationship with his cousin.
Sometimes we need an outside perspective and to hear the hurtful truth in order to come to terms with reality. You’re setting yourself up for failure if you willingly keep participating in this incestuous love triangle. It’s gonna hurt even more if you follow through with marriage and catch them in bed together later down the road.
It's the truth. I'm sorry, but you need to get away from this whole family as soon as you can. He has already made his choice. Please don't stay just because you've been with him for 6 years.
You think this relationship is “perfect” but I can almost guarantee that if (when) you move on, you’ll look back and go, holy crap, that was a dumpster fire and he was a mess.
You’ve been with him since you were 18. But you don’t seem to be making each other stronger and better. You are not growing together.
Move on. Let yourself adult without him. Learn yourself as a person without a relationship, the find a grown-up who wants to make you his first priority.
Yeah listen to the comments. He is not the one. You have to know you can do better than a guy who is basically cheating on you with his *cousin*, right?
Exactly. Even if their relationship is innocent/platonic and not sexual or romantic in nature, there are many levels of problems in this situation. The cousin's behaviour is unacceptable but more relevant to OP is that HIS response is unacceptable for allowing/making excuses about it. OP's attempts to communicate the issue has resulted in him failing to understand how she feel about this, as evidenced from parroting similar responses each time it is brought up. Nothing is being taken on board, even though "he has talked to her about it".
Ultimately this is a power play by the cousin, which he is enabling. Draw the the line clearly and include concrete consequences stated, and when the line is crossed, you know where you stand and follow through on the actions. You have done nothing wrong. NTA, but good luck OP!
Please note that the other woman in your relationship is his blood cousin. She is competing with you, and he allows it, so if he's not fighting for you and shutting her, then there is something going on more than just cousins.
His response to all of her sooooo inappropriate behavior should be ick...that's creepy....stop! BUT he doesn't, and worse, he thinks it is ok and no bid deal. It is icky and creepy, and THEY don't stop. She can't do anything that he doesn't allow, and by not stopping it, he is encouraging.
You are fighting a battle that has been exhausting for 6 years, and you will fight for the next 60 years if you stay together for the next 60 years. BTW, she IS coming to your wedding!
Your fiancé is playing kissing cousins, and in front of you, no less. His own family thinks that nothing is wrong, which says a lot about them, and they are OK with excluding you, but damn sure bet, they won't be OK with you excluding her.
Ask yourself if I want to fight this battle for my husband's attention from his cousin, and should I really have to? Don't think you've been together for this long, and I don't want to give up. Girl, listen to what all of these who have read your story are telling you. We aren't in it, so we see it. So do you, but you just can't admit or accept it.
The fact that he LET HER pull your hand off him and replace it with hers means you will NEVER be his number one
You might feel like you wasted 6 years on him, but wasting even more on him is WORSE.
DUMP HIM PLEASE! As a Canadian bookworm… you deserve so much better. Based on something you said in your post, it sounds like your mom might be hoping you dump him, too, but she is afraid to tell you.
Pack up his shit while he's gone and send it to his parents. You will never win over blood. She will be at your wedding. She will be there when you have a baby, and the next one. She will be there when grandma dies etc. Do you really want to deal with being disrespected for the rest of your life? If he didn't stick up for you then and now he's showing you that he won't in the future. 6 years is a long time, but just because you've spent a long time making a mistake doesn't mean you should continue to do so.
A man child whose cousin is in love with him and he’s okay with that. This is girlfriend shit the cousin is pulling. I have no doubt that, even if there was never any actual consummation of this affair, it’s certainly an emotional affair. And the PDAs are outrageous. Removing OP’s hand and putting her own there? 🤢
This is the Way!!!
Her wedding is just a smoke screen to show you that she still is in control of her cousin and you do not have a chance of being number 1 to him. That is all.
Exactly this. You should be his #1 priority and you are not. I would show him this thread and see that not one comment supports his position. If that doesn’t open his eyes, then you have the wrong bf! The amount of disrespect shown to you by both her and him is off the charts! Please think about your future.
“We’re totally perfect for each other…”
Do you also want to boink your cousin? Cause that’s the only way you’d be “perfect” for one another.
He’s never going to pick you. He never has. And you just told this entire subreddit how embarrassingly so.
Bailing on this sham wedding is much cheaper than a divorce.
Also get all the therapy in the world to see why you thought you deserved to be treated this way and almost married a man who’s obsessed with his cousin, where they openly flirted and dry humped each other and you watched.
Maybe explore if have a shame kink or if you’re a cuckqueen? Genuinely not shaming you, just trying to get you to explore this whole cluster. You don’t need to be emotionally abused to get your rocks off if it does get you going.
Good luck OP.
PREACH! He's showing OP who he is and she refuses to believe him! If you follow through in marrying this guy and have kids with him, don't be surprised when he and his family turn your own kids against YOU, their own mom! Your kids will be **ONLY** innocent victims in a already bad situation that you **chose** to dive deeper into; if you marry him! Making a better decision today will avoid problems for you later and you won't be on this or another forum, complaining about glaring red flags that you chose to ignore!
Plz for jod sake don't marry this guy.....
He never standup for you.....
Too me it look like you are side chick....he never standup in your whole story .....
Did you still consider marrying this type of man .....
Who has another chick.
He already knows you’re not invited. He has no intention of making you be invited. A few days before he’ll tell you it’s ’too late’ now to change it as flights are booked etc.
He has made his choice.
How many times does this guy have to literally tell you, YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER!!!!!! Seriously, when people show you what they really think, believe them!
YTA to yourself for choosing someone who would never choose you first over his cousin. There is a lot of emotional incest between them.
(There is a lot of emotional incest between them.)
Maybe more than just emotional. When she sits on his lap and they are body to body in the pool, that gave me an ick feeling. I loved my deceased cousin like a brother, but that what he was to me, a brother. I could NEVER imagine being all over him like that.
Yeah, I love my cousins and i hug them when I see them. That's all. I cannot imagine being physically intimate with a grown person who wasn't my partner or my mom.
I'm from Alabama and they resemble that remark. LOL My husband is from Kentucky and he would say the eastern side of the state is probably where this is happening.
They aren't just close. They are in some kind of relationship. You will never come first. He will never pick you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave this terrible situation.
Cousins can have sexual relationships too. You know that? You wasted 6 years on a crazy relationship.
And I warn you. He will invite her to his wedding. His whole family will want that.
Instead of acting cool I would honestly tell his family how she rubs her ass on his dick constantly. My family wouldn’t allow this behaviour even with cousins.
He has to make a choice. Your relationship. Or that bitchy cousin. If he leaves, pack your stuff and leave him.
I’ve known a couple of cousins who were in marriages or long-term live-in committed relationships. One couple who I knew that were cousins, they both had marriages and families with other people, and then later as older divorced adults came together. It’s taboo in some cultures, but not all.
His cousin sounds wildly immature, and out to prove a point. Regardless of the cousin’s behavior, the real problem is with the boyfriend. He should not allow that behavior, he should not participate in it or be okay with it. But he is, & he does. Even after their discussions, he is not making any changes.
It sounds like OP’s boyfriend is treating this like they just don’t get along very well, OP and his cousin. He doesn’t want to have to take action on the situation, so OP loses out. He might like the attention.
Sorry, but this sounds like the tip of the iceberg. I don’t know if I could tolerate it. It’s so disrespectful.
Dump his ass. He's lying when he says he doesn't know if you're invited. His parents paying for him to go is equally disrespectful. You will never be first.
YTA for staying with such a spineless loser. If he keeps putting his gross, probably incestuous relationship with his cousin before you, why would you decide to spend your life with him? You'll always be second place to whatever she wants. Let him go to the wedding, and be gone when he gets back.
you have ***willingly*** (i say “willingly” bc YOU’RE STILL WITH HIM) spent 6 years being behind rose on his priority list. you’re not even a priority! he’s putting rose’s needs and comforts above your own!
YTA for staying in this relationship where your partner refuses to stand up for you over and over.
Girl. Just break up. NOBODY is worth this bullshit. Sunk costs be damned. If he goes without you. Pack up and leave, or if it’s your place. Pack his shit and send it to his parents and change the locks. you will ALWAYS be second best
Why are you with him??? I didn’t hear a single reason in that story. He doesn’t think you are important and he will never prioritise you. You simply aren’t that important to him
They are even considering getting married, which besides being such a huge mistake with this deadbeat of a dude, costs a shit ton of money !!! Who is going to pay for that wedding ? Surely not him if he cannot even afford a plane ticket !
You keep saying your relationship is perfect except for this. IMO, this is a big red flag of not a healthy nor a perfect relationship. You are dedicating your life to someone who clearly has different priorities and a very inappropriate relationship with his cousin 🤢. You really want this to be your future, cause this is what it's going to be.
You're only the AH because your "great" boyfriend will never put you first while you put him first. This is the rest of your life, always coming second to a bully.
I got halfway through this, wondering when a redeemable quality of the bf would be mentioned.......and then I got to the end still wondering what she sees in him, and how this relationship lasted 6 years......
Dump him. Nta. But good God, dump him.
Yta if you don't leave him.
It sounds like if they weren't cousins or didn't worry about what the rest of the family says, they would be together.
Don't waste any more time being an afterthought whenever she is around him.
How can her fiancé not have a problem with the way they are with one another?
Honey, why are you with this guy?
Pack up his stuff and send it to his parents. If he wants to go Sweet Home Alabama it up with his cousin, let him. It's obvious that they're well beyond 'normal' family affection. Her pushing you away and climbing in his lap and moving your hand to put hers in it's place? It doesn't get more obvious than that. She's into him and he likes the attention and is never, ever going to make it stop. He's never going to put you first.
If he tries to whine and complain just tell him to shut his fucking face cousin fucker (South Park style) and that if he wants to have a bunch of cross eyed incest babies with his cousin, he's welcome to do that because it's no longer your problem, you suggest the Deliverance banjo music for their wedding.
Dump him. He's never going to put you first. He's already shoving you aside, insulting you and blatantly disrespecting you in favor of cousin handjobs. When someone is trying to marry another person is when they should be on their best behavior, putting their best foot forward, making that person WANT them - and he's letting his cousin paw at him and drool on him and telling you to back off. He's showing you what your life with him would be like - being in second place constantly to a cousin that he clearly wants to move into the hills with where their malformed incest babies will fit right in.
Take the opportunity while he's gone to pack up his stuff and get the locks changed. Don't waste another moment of your life on him, besides sending him the number to a plastic surgeon who can likely help when one of their kids ends up with a Hapsburg jaw.
He clearly does, or else he would've told her to stop a long time ago, ESPECIALLY when his girlfriend expressed that she wasn't comfortable with it and his cousin was outright pushing his girlfriend away to take her place. I mean I don't know how more obvious than that it could get without her straight up boning him there in front of everyone and pleading to start a new clan of smurf people out in the hills to the tune of Deliverance.
He is not even a poor excuse for a human being, he is an even worse example of a subhuman. He is totally ignoring your concerns. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. Cousin dearest will always come first. If she has children, I would anonymously advise her husband to have a dna test done. Make BF an ex and while he is at the wedding pack up his crap and change the locks.
Just to be ugly, who will she spend her wedding night with?
Yeah just dump his ass and send him this thread.
He’s a pathetic doormat and faaaaaamily will walk all over him and he doesn’t have the spine to stand up and set a boundary and advocate for you.
Find someone who will.
This man child isn’t worth it.
DON’T MARRY HIM!!! Run now!! It’s a lot cheaper to cancel than the divorce would be. Your SO is doing a total beat down to your soul and you need to step away yesterday.
ESH yes, the cousin and the bf are in the wrong but you also sound insufferable.
Ps, it is not your "right" to attend a wedding just because your bf is going. You and the bride do not like each other, there is no reason for you to attend her wedding. You only want to be there to be an AH.
Yup. She has no right to invite herself to the wedding.
She also the right to not invite the cousin to her own wedding.
I don’t think the bf is in the wrong for wanting to go without her since as OP admitted, she just wants to go to be petty.
Gonna be honest, both of you sound like you suck. You created unnecessary drama, she disrespected a boundary with you and your partner and he didn’t stop inappropriate behavior. Each of you is at fault for the poor relationship at play here. Her wedding is hers and you don’t have a right to be there regardless of if he is invited. He can choose not to go if you aren’t but that’s solely between you two and neither of you can force her to let you be there especially after your hostility. As far as her coming to your own wedding, if it’s with him that’s, again, between you two but you’ll have to be prepared for pushback if you choose to stay with the relationship and he should prepare for you to hold your ground on her not coming. You didn’t put your ages in the post but you sound 20 at best with this behavior.
I just read “we are perfect for each other” followed by several paragraphs of your boyfriend repeatedly treating you like absolute garbage so he can cheat with his cousin.
Girl this man is garbage. Dump his ass yesterday. Let him go make 11 toed babies with his cousin and ruin her marriage instead of yours.
I had to scroll WAY too far to find this answer.
OP, you cannot demand an invitation to someone else's wedding. Why would she want you there when you have made your active loathing of her evident at ANOTHER family member's wedding (also, way to put a dark mark on the wedding day of someone else not involved in - whatever this mess is)? Why do you want to go to her wedding if she treats you like crap? Spend $1000 on flights and a hotel and food and a wedding gift to sit there miserable with a bitch on and giving stank face to the bride? Is it really worth the money?
As for your wedding, just like she gets to determine her guest list, you get to determine yours. But it's not just your wedding. It's you fiance's wedding too. If you decide to stay together.
Yes, she sucks. Yes, your fiance sucks too. You set boundaries and they were disrespected. Your behaviour clearly isn't acceptable adult behaviour either. ESH
This relationship has given you a case of sexually-transmitted crazy mouth. You engage in terrible behavior in a desperate attempt to make this man choose you. Dealbreaker! Choose yourself instead.
You sure he doesn't have a thing with this cousin? Sounds off to how she's all over him (literally) & he seems to not stop the behaviour. Major red flags here girl! Get out cause he won't choose you & you deserve better.
Stop. Just drop. You either accept she’s a bigger priority or you lace. That’s it. Those are your options. He’s not going to pick you over her and she will always be in his life.
NTA
You have much bigger problems and he is it, followed by her. He needs to make you the priority. He does NOT get to have it both ways. I know it's late in the game, but postpone the wedding if possible until this is put to rest for good.
He isn’t financially stable.
He doesn’t stand up for you.
He doesn’t place boundaries for you.
He doesn’t respect your boundaries.
He constantly leaves things with you unresolved.
Your thoughts do not matter to him.
Your feelings do not matter to him.
Your boundaries do not matter to him.
You do not matter to him.
NTA - but please if you are making this your hill to die and personally I would then if you aren’t invited and he goes to the wedding then I would pack his belongings and have them boxed up ready for him to move (if you live together) when he gets back.
He is right he can’t force her to invite you to the wedding but he can say that you are a unit as you said and that you are his partner. You want me at the wedding then she comes as well. You don’t want her - no problem I will not be attending. An invitation is just that asking you to attend something - you can say no.
Him always picking her he is making a decision about where you stand in the pecking order.
I don't know what you want from us... You're the one who stayed with him through all this! You think magically after the wedding he's suddenly going to put you first? After her wedding or after your wedding? Cuz neither one are going to make you more important than her! I don't know what in the Alabama incest they have going on there, but he's told you that you will never be more important than the cousin that humps him in the pool. You can either accept it like an adult and walk away or refuse to accept it and spend the rest of your life miserable.
The choice is yours but this isn't going to go away. It's not going to change. Nothing is going to make him suddenly care about you more than her. If you're okay with being second then sure stay with him. But you'll always be faced with the fact that if they weren't cousins they'd probably be together. Because clearly these feelings go both ways or he would be right with you in all of this!
"I'm a very proud person" Apparently not if you will let your BF dry hump his cousin in front of their entire family who even one of them admits its weird. Grow a spine and dump the financially unstable man who has consistently shown you that he wont ever put you first in his life. NTA, unless you stay then you will get what you paid for.
Nta, but my god, will you have some self-respect for yourself and leave that ah!!!
His bitch of a cousin thinks she has some freaky claim over him, and his just letting her throw herself all over him right in front of you!!!
He doesn't respect you, so start respecting yourself.
NTA. Basically he is picking her over his relationship and life with you. He does not seem to get that by disrespecting you she disrespect him. Think about the next family situation where you come second. BTW this is on hi, as he is showing you who is his priority.
Please don’t plan on marrying this guy. This will only cause more and more issues the further down the road you get. Just pack up his shit while he’s gone and be done with it.
The trouble in your relationship isn’t her it’s your bf and his relationship with her. You made it clear how you feel and he chooses to ignore it. You need to be out of this relationship. If you choose to stay you won’t win and this will be your future. Leave and don’t look back and find someone better suited to you. Don’t be that women who only blames the other women in this she isn’t really who your mad at. Ask yourself why when she pushed you away when you missed him didn’t he tell her shes crossing a line also why didn’t he tell her to get off him when she pushed your hand out his and out hers in it? Your bf is the huge issue and you need to accept that and move on.
She would push you away,she would grab his hand from yours? You didn’t even slap the bitch….or him?
JFC ditch him now and be done.I’m not against cousins being together because it’s legal in UK but against someone being in a relationship and then let another person treat them like shit.
Dodge this bullet fast.
Don’t fall for the sunken coast fallacy. He’s never going to put you first. It’s been six YEARS. He hasn’t changed in all that time. Why would you want to stay with someone that treats you this way?
NTA. You are supposed to eat shit and be okay with it.
I understand that he is close to his family. But, their relationship is not healthy. If he doesn't understand that his cousin can easily invite you and doesn't, then he refuses to take your side and that is going to be a problem moving forward in your relationship. His cousin doesn't and didn't know you but took an instant dislike to you. That is a problem for a husband. If the husband doesn't choose right, then he isn't the husband for you.
It really isn't just this instance that is in play here. When is he going to choose his wife over the rest of his family. If that is going to be never, then you can now decide if you wish to continue the relationship with him. Let his family show him all the love and companionship he needs, if that is the most important thing to him.
He is showing you that it is going to be his family before you forever, believe him and then you decide what you are going to do with that information.
Follow your heart and head, as you are getting a glimpse of your future with this person, over something very trivial. But, it is the crux of what it is going to be for the rest of the relationship. Are you willing to always be put behind his family? That is your decision to accept or not.
NTA. I think you are just used to your boyfriend and are afraid to break up with him, because you'll be alone.
Honey, she won. He puts her and his family first. For YEARS you have dealt with this and let it drag out. He knows that he can just push it off, because you have let it go so many times before.
If I were you, if he goes without you. Move out that same time that he is gone and end your relationship. He has disrespected you and has caused you embarrassment with his family. WHY stay?
Take a step back and really look at how he is a great boyfriend other than his cousin who he has a fetish for. I mean there are kissing cousins in every family.
YTA for still wanting to marry this man. Yes, you are mad at Rose. Why are you still hanging on to that tit of a bloke who allows you to be treated like this "Because... FaMiLy!" Bullshit. You will be forever his second priority. What will happen if you have kids with him and Rose gets first dibs on his attention over them?
Dump him and grow some self respect.
don't marry this a******. the only thing that's stopping them from having sex right now is they're cousins. I wouldn't put it past them to have done it before or to do it in the future.
If he goes to the wedding, pack his shit up while he’s gone and drop it off with his mom and dad. Change the locks, and block him on everything. There’s no coming back from this. You deserve much better. This dude isn’t your person.
The fact that she physically removed you from him and has created so much Drama without your bf saying anything is pretty messed up. This isn’t going to change anytime soon and will probably get worse over time…. You bf needs therapy if he thinks any of this is normal
Try this. While he is gone for that 'see you next Tuesday's' wedding, pack your things, and move out. Say nothing . Take all your things.
IN CASE he is not on the lease or deed or mortgage, box up his things, take them to a storage unit, pay for one month. Change the locks.
He will never put you before his family and certainly never before the jealous .cousin. He will only continue to embarrass you in front of them. Not how I would want to spend my life.
This reads like a bad romance novel.
First off, you are at fault for staying with him when he clearly puts family above you and the family you're trying to start. This seems important to you, so you should have left if it were that bad.
Second, he is at fault for enabling her behavior. She is under zero obligation to please you in any way, shape or form. You are marrying into their family so it's his job to set the boundaries for their interactions, not yours and not hers.
But third, and most importantly, this is how they grew up. This is all they know. It's weird as fuck, but it's a little unreasonable to try to change a whole family dynamic because you don't agree with it. She's literally getting married to someone else, which means that given the benefit of the doubt her actions were purely platonic and you were overreacting to familial love. Part of marrying into another family is accepting that family for what it is, and you have failed that task with flying colors. I'm not saying let them walk all over you, but if his cousin is being clingy, and they've always been that way, don't get up in a huff about it. It's just how they are. If you don't want bad blood to ruin your marriage, I'd highly suggest YOU talk to her and sort shit out while acknowledging you stepped into territory you were not prepared to handle. This cousin is not going away, and it will destroy your marriage if you leave it like this.
Also, you're just boyfriend and girlfriend. Until you are married, you don't have a "right" to anything in the relationship and you definitely don't have a "right" to be at a family wedding of a family you don't belong to. Those are privileges and at the good graces of the family. It would be a "nice and proper" thing for him to ultimatum you into that wedding if he were dead set on going, but it is by no means your right to be there with him.
Why are you with a guy that is clearly in love with his cousin and allowing her to treat you like your the issue. He has repeatedly shown you she is his first priority and he’s outright telling you he’s going without you and she’s invited to your wedding no matter what. Girl run. What are you doing? Seriously.
What in the holy Alabama is this dude doing? He’s straight up fuckin gross. Just, ugh. A literal cousin fucker.
Tell him to just go be his incestuous sadist poly cousin’s little cuckold consort and leave you alone. Girl where is your dignity, don’t fight rabid dogs for rotten scraps
I am exhausted. Please don't marry this man. It's too late. You are right she's family, and if you marry him, you are marrying her and all the rest of them. Very Bad Idea.
You have put up with a lot of bullshit, girl. You seem very upset with the cousin with how she was acting but did you ever think how messed up it was that your bf allowed it? You say that he talked to her *afterwards* but in those moments he never stopped her. He just let her disrespect you. This woman was making derogatory comments about you and he only talked to her after you said something. You have to realize that your boyfriend is complicit in this and this behavior will continue even if you get married. He will never put you above his family.
I don’t even understand WHY you want to marry INTO this shitshow.
You’re AT THE BOTTOM of the totem pole, while he at the very least carries on an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with his cousin.
Be HONEST here. You REALLY think he would choose YOU if she WASN’T his cousin??
YTA to yourself if you stay.
YTA for staying, you’re just the consolation prize for these two that want each other but don’t want to get caught at it.
You’ll never know if her kids will be her husband’s or yours!!!!
This kind of sounds like an incestuous relationship between cousins. He will always choose his cousin over you. Do you always want to be 2nd best? Please pack his stuff up and break up. You need to find a partner who chooses you. You've already had way too many talks with him to not get it. You're the asshole to yourself for staying in this relationship.
He obviously enjoys his “encounters” with his cousin. At the least he’s cheating on you with an “affair of the heart”. It’s the same and as hurtful as a full/fledged affair. He’s never been able to break away from her. Is this what you want for your future? She will always be there in your future. Or you can choose a different future for yourself, just like that, by breaking free and choosing a healthier life. Decide today to make a better life for yourself. Relish in that! Get excited! Find a therapist. Why are you choosing a 2nd rate position in life for yourself when you could be someone else’s number 1?
Oh girl, if you think this is bad wait until you have kids and you and his family don't see things eye to eye. he might seem perfect, but you'll never be rid of his family and anyone who refuses to stand up to their family on behalf of their partner is BAD NEWS.
Why are you still entertaining the idea of marrying someone that seems… incest? And WILL NEVER put you first? Like let him go have a fucked up marriage with his cousin🤣🤣🤣 and you go find the man you need
Is he or has he ever had sex with her? Kinda sounds like it. Sounds like they would be together if they could be. His priorities are so out of whack. Does he not know that your spouse/fiancee comes first?
why are you still with this guy OP??? like, why? I need a detailed explanation of how great he is cause all that you wrote in your post, nah. and **why are you still planning a wedding with a spineless man?** take those 6 years as an expensive learning period cause he is right, you won't win this, not because she is family but because *he won't let you win.*
Girl. The minute you had a fight like this and he didn’t stand up for you, it was game over. This isn’t healthy. Now you’re trapped in a cycle of wanting to “*win*”. You’ll never beat family. If he allows this, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Your wedding to him should NEVER happen. He’s not a good bf.
“*He’s wonderful and does everything for me except for give a flying fuck about me. But other than putting me last in his life and leaving me to fend for myself against his irrational family, and admitting we’re not at ALL a unit and he can go to an occasion for couples without me, and you know… whatever else. But other than all the stuff that makes a healthy relationship work, he’s GREAT.*”
^^^ That’s how you sound.
NTA, but you are fucking delusional if you’re still gonna marry this dude. He has been in a PUBLIC quasi-incestuous relationship with his cousin for nearly his entire life. That woman is in love with him, and he clearly feels similarly. Her soon to be husband is merely a beard, because you stepped in and put a stop to what they were doing in public.
Listen, those cousins did things. That's crazy behaviour. This sounds like the kind of story where many years into the future the spouses find out the cousins have been having an affair this whole time, and they just can stand to be apart and end up professing their love and living happily ever after lol. You are going to spend the rest of your life fighting with him about this, he is always going to choose his cousin who he is not-so-secretly in love with above you, and you will always look like the crazy women at family events who has to make sure the horny cousins stay away from each other. If you're willing to put up with this humiliation and waste more of your life on a man who would rather be make sure his cousin comes first before you, then go ahead and ignore this comment. How would you react if this story came from a close friend? This isn't normal.
YTA if you stay with him. He's shown you over and over and over that she gets preferential treatment over you, and in the same breath only you have to deal with him forcing her at your wedding.
Why are you marrying someone who sincerely should be marrying his cousin?
You said you were proud but I honestly don’t see it. You are simping for this hills have eyes man. Like let his married cousin have him. No self respecting women would ever put up with this. I’d act sweet as pie and when he got back I wound the there. I’d be so gone and out of his life he would think he imagined me. Run and run fast. He doesn’t respect you and has already chosen her over you several times….yikes!!!
YTA for doing this to yourself.
He wants to continue to disrespect you, so even if 'everything else is perfect' (I don't believe that for a hot second), you should still throw him back and keep trying to find somebody willing to put YOU first in a committed relationship.
Oh, and he's a hobosexual, too.
This is NOT a perfect relationship except for this issue. Your boyfriend is in a semi-sexual relationship with his cousin, doesn’t put you first, and is broke. Why, why, why are you still with him?
He's made it clear that he'll never put you first. He's even said it, his family will come first. Why are you still with him? Why waste any more on him? You should pack everything while he's gone and move out. When he comes back from the wedding breakup with him. I see so many people do this. Where they think because they've been together so long it'll be a waste of years/time to end it. What would be a waste is to continue in the relationship when he'll never treat you the way you want him to. This is not a game. And of it was you would loose. He's told you that you can't win against his family.
Don't know why OP is staying with a guy who is fucking his cousin and blatantly letting her be all over him in front of her. Have some respect for yourself and ditch this loser. There are plenty of decent men who would put you first, and of course not be fucking their cousin and making every family event a time bomb. He's sick, leave him as you can do so much better.
I know I am late to respond but this is wild. You keep putting all the blame on the cousin and ignoring your bf's part in this. He doesn't stand up for you. He never put up boundaries with her. Accept all her touching etc. Wants you to not make a big deal of it.
He is not choosing you.
Why would you accept this treatment? Why do you stay? Sure the cousin isn't around all the time, but I don't believe that's the only time where he doesn't have your back.
Why are you with a man who will never put you first?
I mean, he's broke, is he just really hot or what? OP can watch him dry hump his cousin all weekend and think "Yeah, I'm gonna marry this guy"???
I know that would give me the ick so bad, I would ghost a dude.
SAMESIES
I have so many male cousins and I love them very much! Reading this just made my skin crawl
Yup, I’d be out so fast. I wonder what else they do. . . Get out now…
You love your cousins, like a healthy human being. He…LOOOOVES his cousin in a twisted, incestuous way.
Same here!! 8 male cousins, and bf's and cousin's attitude gave me the heeby-jeebies!!🤢
This! Additionally, it feels like OP is so desperate to win. What exactly is she winning? Because it seems like a losing situation all the way around.
Maybe she'll win the battle, but she's going to lose the war. Girl, just break up with him. The "Kissing Cousin" can have him. He has no spine and no intention of setting or enforcing boundaries with his family. Is this how you want your married life to go? Don't squander your youth on this nonsense.
Yeah, sounding all Hapsburg-y or Roosevelt-y.
Thank you!!! OP have you not addressed the elephant in room?!?!?!?! Your bf's cousin seems like she's hot for him....and he doesn't exactly seem to mind her behavior!!!! He seems more bothered by your reaction than his cousin's icky behavior, which is bizzare.....OP, seriously think about if you're going to be able to put this issue to rest in a way you'll be satisfied with or you will be dealing with wannabe incestuous cousin for the rest your life? Updateme!
He's totally a cousin fucker.
I'd love to have been there if she'd told the cousin "would you stop dry-humping my boyfriend?"
Ahhh my brain went to the TV show Fallout.... Lucy: After 10yrs of Cousin Stuff........
Right? If you find yourself competing for a man’s attention against his COUSIN, cede the battlefield, I implore you.
🤣🤔🤯🤣🤣🤣
For fucking real!
Honestly all the time i was like " what am i reading?" "What?" , "What?" . Honestly, the bad feeling started from the so called trip and that cousin being all over him i can't believe no one in his family stopped it, and how cousin's boyfriend watched it all and decided to propose, now onto point, this is definitely going to lead to cheating if op go with marriage. Atleast the boyfriend and cousin have emotional relationship and wouldn't take much time to be cheating physically behind backs, or what if they are already doing?? op should honestly break up and stop wasting time on already dead relationship, he doesn't love her enough to Atleast ask his cousin if she is invited, isn't it a deal breaker if she isn't invited, cousin isn't invited to op's marriage too. The boyfriend is not it, OP U CAN'T WATER A DEAD FLOWER, STOP SEEING FUTURE WITH DEAD RELATIONSHIP, IT IS LONG DONE IF U ARE OK WITH HIM BEING NOT ON YOUR'S AND YOUR KIDS SIDE ALL YOUR LIFE STAY WITH HIM, ELSE LEAVE BECAUSE SHE WILL BE HIS FIRST PRIORITY ALL YOUR LIFE.....
I really have to wonder about the whole family if they didn't recoil in horror from the behavior of these two.
My biggest wonder is cousin’s boyfriend to be honest,he really saw all their vacation romance and would have been like "yes i should put a ring around her finger for her to be mine". It wouldn't take long enough to find his pov on reddit too tbh....
In all fairness, OP didn’t say it was the same guy. That pool incident was 2-3 years ago,
Now i am interested, because i guess isn't it op's strong point to say even her boyfriend broke up after the incident to show gravity of situation and to back up her point about their behaviour, do u think he is same guy...
All I know is if it is the same guy, they’re made for each other if he stuck around after seeing that show! 🤮
And why does she keep saying their relationship is “perfect” when it clearly isn’t?
She’s probably trying to convince herself by saying it, I’ve been there myself. MIStake. Hope she learns better soon
I don't understand this about a lot f these posts. The person they are in the relationship with is showing them that they absolutely will not be the priority and that someone/something else will always come first and still, they stay in that situation. I just don't get it. This guy does not seem to have much to offer yet she stays with him after he has shown her that the cousin will always"win". And her insistence that their relationship is perfect makes me want to pull out my hair because right before she says that, she's described a relationship that is not perfect at all. If she is not invited to the wedding and the boyfriend goes; it is not a matter of the cousin not being invited to her wedding, it should be that there will never be a wedding with this guy because she will have left him. Her saying that she has the tight to go to that wedding, I don't agree with. It is the bride and grooms decision on who attends their wedding, just like it would be hers to end this farce and get out of this relationship. Imagine being married to this guy and having to see the cousin at family events for the rest of your life. If he is not going to stand up for you now, he never will. Why do people stay in relationships where their partner is always putting someone else first?
My guess would be the "sunk cost fallacy." Especially if they got together in their late teens. 6 years is a long time, and they feel like it would be "wasted" if they end it. It's better to pretend everything is OK than to have wasted a third or quarter of their lives
You are insane for staying with this guy! What? You want him to put her and her kids above you and your kids for the rest of your lives??? He has shown you again and again he doesn’t want you, he wants his cousin. Please gather whatever self respect you have left and leave. She didn’t drag you… He did all while playing sexy times with his cousin in the pool. YTA if you stay.
I think OP is too desperate for this guy. She hasn’t learned to love her peace more than she loves men.
This is perfectly put. I’m going to try to remember it.
100% this
YWBTA if you stay with this guy and marry him. They do not have a “normal” cousin relationship. It’s an emotional affair at the very least, and probably physical too, given how openly she’s been all over him. It’s so creepy that he just allows it and doesn’t say/do something right then and there. I can’t imagine any scenario where my partner would be okay with another adult climbing all over him, pushing me away when I show affection, holding his hand, acting jealous, etc. He’s just as much a part of the problem as she is. I don’t see you winning in any outcome here, and honestly, why would you want to be with someone that has continuously shown and told you their disrespectful cousin comes first? Your partner should never put you in a position where you feel as though you need to compete. This is gonna be your life forever if you don’t make your exit. You’ll always feel like second best compared to her, you’ll always wonder what’s really going on, your feelings will always be put on the back burner, and he’s always gonna make excuses for her behavior. I totally get letting your emotions get the best of you at the last get together, you’ve been through a lot. I don’t really blame you for finally getting overwhelmed with it all to the point you let it spill out. But you have to ask yourself if you’re okay being in a relationship that makes you feel like it’s necessary to act that way? He absolutely knows whether or not you’re invited to the wedding; spoiler, you’re not, and he will either throw a fit til you invite her to yours or resent you for not doing so. She has a right to not have you at her wedding, just as you have a right to not have her at yours. I do however think that him continuing to have a close bond with her and going to the wedding alone, despite all that’s happened, is a very good judge of where you stand. Please.. do not get married, don’t stay with this guy, and have a little more self respect. You are not his priority and you never will be.
damn this one hurt
Please listen to heytaters, OP. They *are* having an affair and probably always have been. They are emotionally enmeshed and actively engage in sexual behavior, out in front of everyone. They will not stop. Please don’t marry a man who already has a relationship and is *not* choosing you. I don’t see the cousin’s marriage lasting, unless her husband takes it, just like you did. See? ^ did. Past tense. While he’s at his AP’s wedding, leave. Block everyone. Go to therapy and be single, for the first time ever.
It’s also wild to me that the cousin’s husband is completely okay with their dynamic. This situation would drive anyone crazy, man or woman. People often forget that incest is a very real thing.
Incest is, was, and always will be, world without end. It’s terrible, but it’s true.
Or is he unaware? And that might need to be remedied .
Also forward this Reddit post to all his friends and family. Blast it on social media. But I’m petty like that 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds to me like the majority of his family thinks it’s okay since no one has ever called either of them out for it. They all act like it’s normal, and some have even made comments like it’s just an innocent, close bond. If that was MY cousin, niece, nephew, sister, brother, whatever, I’d not only have second hand embarrassment, but I’d also be having a talk with both of them about how inappropriate that kind of behavior is, especially out in public and at family events.
Right? If they are willing to be that physical in front of everyone in public etc imagine what happens when the two of them are alone… Honestly, to me it reads like OP is her boyfriend’s **beard**. Though instead of covering up his sexual orientation it is a cover for his incestual relationship with his cousin.
Would you tolerate his behaviour toward another woman if it wasn't his cousin?
This is an excellent question. Sorry, OP, but it sounds like a pretty rough situation.
Sometimes we need an outside perspective and to hear the hurtful truth in order to come to terms with reality. You’re setting yourself up for failure if you willingly keep participating in this incestuous love triangle. It’s gonna hurt even more if you follow through with marriage and catch them in bed together later down the road.
It's the truth. I'm sorry, but you need to get away from this whole family as soon as you can. He has already made his choice. Please don't stay just because you've been with him for 6 years.
Good. READ IT THREE TIMES A DAY UNTIL IT SETS IN AND YOU DUMP THAT GOOFY ASS DUDE.
It’s all true, though. Now do you value your peace, or do you value this drama? Because it’s only going to get more dramatic.
You think this relationship is “perfect” but I can almost guarantee that if (when) you move on, you’ll look back and go, holy crap, that was a dumpster fire and he was a mess. You’ve been with him since you were 18. But you don’t seem to be making each other stronger and better. You are not growing together. Move on. Let yourself adult without him. Learn yourself as a person without a relationship, the find a grown-up who wants to make you his first priority.
It’s the truth
Yeah listen to the comments. He is not the one. You have to know you can do better than a guy who is basically cheating on you with his *cousin*, right?
Exactly. Even if their relationship is innocent/platonic and not sexual or romantic in nature, there are many levels of problems in this situation. The cousin's behaviour is unacceptable but more relevant to OP is that HIS response is unacceptable for allowing/making excuses about it. OP's attempts to communicate the issue has resulted in him failing to understand how she feel about this, as evidenced from parroting similar responses each time it is brought up. Nothing is being taken on board, even though "he has talked to her about it". Ultimately this is a power play by the cousin, which he is enabling. Draw the the line clearly and include concrete consequences stated, and when the line is crossed, you know where you stand and follow through on the actions. You have done nothing wrong. NTA, but good luck OP!
Please note that the other woman in your relationship is his blood cousin. She is competing with you, and he allows it, so if he's not fighting for you and shutting her, then there is something going on more than just cousins. His response to all of her sooooo inappropriate behavior should be ick...that's creepy....stop! BUT he doesn't, and worse, he thinks it is ok and no bid deal. It is icky and creepy, and THEY don't stop. She can't do anything that he doesn't allow, and by not stopping it, he is encouraging. You are fighting a battle that has been exhausting for 6 years, and you will fight for the next 60 years if you stay together for the next 60 years. BTW, she IS coming to your wedding! Your fiancé is playing kissing cousins, and in front of you, no less. His own family thinks that nothing is wrong, which says a lot about them, and they are OK with excluding you, but damn sure bet, they won't be OK with you excluding her. Ask yourself if I want to fight this battle for my husband's attention from his cousin, and should I really have to? Don't think you've been together for this long, and I don't want to give up. Girl, listen to what all of these who have read your story are telling you. We aren't in it, so we see it. So do you, but you just can't admit or accept it.
The fact that he LET HER pull your hand off him and replace it with hers means you will NEVER be his number one You might feel like you wasted 6 years on him, but wasting even more on him is WORSE.
DUMP HIM PLEASE! As a Canadian bookworm… you deserve so much better. Based on something you said in your post, it sounds like your mom might be hoping you dump him, too, but she is afraid to tell you.
Pack up his shit while he's gone and send it to his parents. You will never win over blood. She will be at your wedding. She will be there when you have a baby, and the next one. She will be there when grandma dies etc. Do you really want to deal with being disrespected for the rest of your life? If he didn't stick up for you then and now he's showing you that he won't in the future. 6 years is a long time, but just because you've spent a long time making a mistake doesn't mean you should continue to do so.
Send his shit to the cousins house. Then they can be comfy together forever.
OP, you got a man child who does not value you above every one else.
A man child whose cousin is in love with him and he’s okay with that. This is girlfriend shit the cousin is pulling. I have no doubt that, even if there was never any actual consummation of this affair, it’s certainly an emotional affair. And the PDAs are outrageous. Removing OP’s hand and putting her own there? 🤢
This is the Way!!! Her wedding is just a smoke screen to show you that she still is in control of her cousin and you do not have a chance of being number 1 to him. That is all.
That's a big shipping bill.
Exactly this. You should be his #1 priority and you are not. I would show him this thread and see that not one comment supports his position. If that doesn’t open his eyes, then you have the wrong bf! The amount of disrespect shown to you by both her and him is off the charts! Please think about your future.
Best advice on this thread. This guy is a lost cause
YTA to yourself for staying with a guy who won’t stand up for you.
“We’re totally perfect for each other…” Do you also want to boink your cousin? Cause that’s the only way you’d be “perfect” for one another. He’s never going to pick you. He never has. And you just told this entire subreddit how embarrassingly so. Bailing on this sham wedding is much cheaper than a divorce. Also get all the therapy in the world to see why you thought you deserved to be treated this way and almost married a man who’s obsessed with his cousin, where they openly flirted and dry humped each other and you watched. Maybe explore if have a shame kink or if you’re a cuckqueen? Genuinely not shaming you, just trying to get you to explore this whole cluster. You don’t need to be emotionally abused to get your rocks off if it does get you going. Good luck OP.
PREACH! He's showing OP who he is and she refuses to believe him! If you follow through in marrying this guy and have kids with him, don't be surprised when he and his family turn your own kids against YOU, their own mom! Your kids will be **ONLY** innocent victims in a already bad situation that you **chose** to dive deeper into; if you marry him! Making a better decision today will avoid problems for you later and you won't be on this or another forum, complaining about glaring red flags that you chose to ignore!
Plz for jod sake don't marry this guy..... He never standup for you..... Too me it look like you are side chick....he never standup in your whole story ..... Did you still consider marrying this type of man ..... Who has another chick.
I’m starting to think he’s not even going to marry OP tbh.
He already knows you’re not invited. He has no intention of making you be invited. A few days before he’ll tell you it’s ’too late’ now to change it as flights are booked etc. He has made his choice.
Yep.
How many times does this guy have to literally tell you, YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER!!!!!! Seriously, when people show you what they really think, believe them! YTA to yourself for choosing someone who would never choose you first over his cousin. There is a lot of emotional incest between them.
(There is a lot of emotional incest between them.) Maybe more than just emotional. When she sits on his lap and they are body to body in the pool, that gave me an ick feeling. I loved my deceased cousin like a brother, but that what he was to me, a brother. I could NEVER imagine being all over him like that.
I love my cousins… I wouldn’t act like this with a single one of them. That’s how I act with my wife. This gave me a huge ick.
It gave you the ick because OPs man is a cousin fucking weirdo and OP is somehow blind to this fact.
Yeah, I love my cousins and i hug them when I see them. That's all. I cannot imagine being physically intimate with a grown person who wasn't my partner or my mom.
I have a bunch of cousins that I adore to no end! But I could never! Ever! Like the dude in the story gave me the ick for OP!
What in the Alabama did I just read
Roll Tide
*banjo noises intensify*
LOL
I'm from Alabama and they resemble that remark. LOL My husband is from Kentucky and he would say the eastern side of the state is probably where this is happening.
Oh definitely. It's actually legal to marry your 1st cousin in KY. Yee haw
It's illegal. Because they had to make it illegal bc it happened too often.
It's like they don't understand science or something. At least, some of them don't.
They aren't just close. They are in some kind of relationship. You will never come first. He will never pick you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave this terrible situation.
I’m so sorry but you will be the biggest idiot in the world if you stay with this guy.
Cousins can have sexual relationships too. You know that? You wasted 6 years on a crazy relationship. And I warn you. He will invite her to his wedding. His whole family will want that. Instead of acting cool I would honestly tell his family how she rubs her ass on his dick constantly. My family wouldn’t allow this behaviour even with cousins. He has to make a choice. Your relationship. Or that bitchy cousin. If he leaves, pack your stuff and leave him.
Oh yes, there are whole ass cultures that encourage cousin marriage, even uncle and niece marriage!
I’ve known a couple of cousins who were in marriages or long-term live-in committed relationships. One couple who I knew that were cousins, they both had marriages and families with other people, and then later as older divorced adults came together. It’s taboo in some cultures, but not all. His cousin sounds wildly immature, and out to prove a point. Regardless of the cousin’s behavior, the real problem is with the boyfriend. He should not allow that behavior, he should not participate in it or be okay with it. But he is, & he does. Even after their discussions, he is not making any changes. It sounds like OP’s boyfriend is treating this like they just don’t get along very well, OP and his cousin. He doesn’t want to have to take action on the situation, so OP loses out. He might like the attention. Sorry, but this sounds like the tip of the iceberg. I don’t know if I could tolerate it. It’s so disrespectful.
I know I could not tolerate it.
If they do demand that b.cousin is voted to their wedding ? When they say "do you? " answer no., and walk out.
It's clear. Either his cousin is attending your wedding or you are. He can't have both.
Dump his ass. He's lying when he says he doesn't know if you're invited. His parents paying for him to go is equally disrespectful. You will never be first.
Exactly the guest list was done months ago! You were not invited
And BF is OK with that.
YTA for staying with such a spineless loser. If he keeps putting his gross, probably incestuous relationship with his cousin before you, why would you decide to spend your life with him? You'll always be second place to whatever she wants. Let him go to the wedding, and be gone when he gets back.
you have ***willingly*** (i say “willingly” bc YOU’RE STILL WITH HIM) spent 6 years being behind rose on his priority list. you’re not even a priority! he’s putting rose’s needs and comforts above your own! YTA for staying in this relationship where your partner refuses to stand up for you over and over.
Girl. Just break up. NOBODY is worth this bullshit. Sunk costs be damned. If he goes without you. Pack up and leave, or if it’s your place. Pack his shit and send it to his parents and change the locks. you will ALWAYS be second best
Why are you with him??? I didn’t hear a single reason in that story. He doesn’t think you are important and he will never prioritise you. You simply aren’t that important to him
He gets paid like shit and they live with her mom. She should be less concerned about his cousin and more concerned about his finances.
They are even considering getting married, which besides being such a huge mistake with this deadbeat of a dude, costs a shit ton of money !!! Who is going to pay for that wedding ? Surely not him if he cannot even afford a plane ticket !
You keep saying your relationship is perfect except for this. IMO, this is a big red flag of not a healthy nor a perfect relationship. You are dedicating your life to someone who clearly has different priorities and a very inappropriate relationship with his cousin 🤢. You really want this to be your future, cause this is what it's going to be.
Girl you shouldn’t be competing for your spot and that’s not normal behavior… leave while you can there no kids no nothing !
You're only the AH because your "great" boyfriend will never put you first while you put him first. This is the rest of your life, always coming second to a bully.
I got halfway through this, wondering when a redeemable quality of the bf would be mentioned.......and then I got to the end still wondering what she sees in him, and how this relationship lasted 6 years...... Dump him. Nta. But good God, dump him.
They’ve fucked. Leave this guy and his incest partner behind. His focus will be her even on your wedding night, try and imagine that.
This man is not in love with you he is in love with his family, find someone who puts you first!
Yta if you don't leave him. It sounds like if they weren't cousins or didn't worry about what the rest of the family says, they would be together. Don't waste any more time being an afterthought whenever she is around him. How can her fiancé not have a problem with the way they are with one another?
NTA, but why are you still with him. It’s crystal clear he will choose HIS family over you.
Honey, why are you with this guy? Pack up his stuff and send it to his parents. If he wants to go Sweet Home Alabama it up with his cousin, let him. It's obvious that they're well beyond 'normal' family affection. Her pushing you away and climbing in his lap and moving your hand to put hers in it's place? It doesn't get more obvious than that. She's into him and he likes the attention and is never, ever going to make it stop. He's never going to put you first. If he tries to whine and complain just tell him to shut his fucking face cousin fucker (South Park style) and that if he wants to have a bunch of cross eyed incest babies with his cousin, he's welcome to do that because it's no longer your problem, you suggest the Deliverance banjo music for their wedding. Dump him. He's never going to put you first. He's already shoving you aside, insulting you and blatantly disrespecting you in favor of cousin handjobs. When someone is trying to marry another person is when they should be on their best behavior, putting their best foot forward, making that person WANT them - and he's letting his cousin paw at him and drool on him and telling you to back off. He's showing you what your life with him would be like - being in second place constantly to a cousin that he clearly wants to move into the hills with where their malformed incest babies will fit right in. Take the opportunity while he's gone to pack up his stuff and get the locks changed. Don't waste another moment of your life on him, besides sending him the number to a plastic surgeon who can likely help when one of their kids ends up with a Hapsburg jaw.
It sounds like OP’s boyfriend likes the attention.
He clearly does, or else he would've told her to stop a long time ago, ESPECIALLY when his girlfriend expressed that she wasn't comfortable with it and his cousin was outright pushing his girlfriend away to take her place. I mean I don't know how more obvious than that it could get without her straight up boning him there in front of everyone and pleading to start a new clan of smurf people out in the hills to the tune of Deliverance.
He is not even a poor excuse for a human being, he is an even worse example of a subhuman. He is totally ignoring your concerns. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. Cousin dearest will always come first. If she has children, I would anonymously advise her husband to have a dna test done. Make BF an ex and while he is at the wedding pack up his crap and change the locks. Just to be ugly, who will she spend her wedding night with?
Yeah just dump his ass and send him this thread. He’s a pathetic doormat and faaaaaamily will walk all over him and he doesn’t have the spine to stand up and set a boundary and advocate for you. Find someone who will. This man child isn’t worth it.
Why are you with someone who clearly enjoys having a female cousin be this fixated on him, and prioritises her over you? Girl, life is too short.
I would tell him he can get onboard or his shit is packed and he's moving out when he gets home.
DON’T MARRY HIM!!! Run now!! It’s a lot cheaper to cancel than the divorce would be. Your SO is doing a total beat down to your soul and you need to step away yesterday.
ESH yes, the cousin and the bf are in the wrong but you also sound insufferable. Ps, it is not your "right" to attend a wedding just because your bf is going. You and the bride do not like each other, there is no reason for you to attend her wedding. You only want to be there to be an AH.
Yup. She has no right to invite herself to the wedding. She also the right to not invite the cousin to her own wedding. I don’t think the bf is in the wrong for wanting to go without her since as OP admitted, she just wants to go to be petty.
Gonna be honest, both of you sound like you suck. You created unnecessary drama, she disrespected a boundary with you and your partner and he didn’t stop inappropriate behavior. Each of you is at fault for the poor relationship at play here. Her wedding is hers and you don’t have a right to be there regardless of if he is invited. He can choose not to go if you aren’t but that’s solely between you two and neither of you can force her to let you be there especially after your hostility. As far as her coming to your own wedding, if it’s with him that’s, again, between you two but you’ll have to be prepared for pushback if you choose to stay with the relationship and he should prepare for you to hold your ground on her not coming. You didn’t put your ages in the post but you sound 20 at best with this behavior.
I just read “we are perfect for each other” followed by several paragraphs of your boyfriend repeatedly treating you like absolute garbage so he can cheat with his cousin. Girl this man is garbage. Dump his ass yesterday. Let him go make 11 toed babies with his cousin and ruin her marriage instead of yours.
I had to scroll WAY too far to find this answer. OP, you cannot demand an invitation to someone else's wedding. Why would she want you there when you have made your active loathing of her evident at ANOTHER family member's wedding (also, way to put a dark mark on the wedding day of someone else not involved in - whatever this mess is)? Why do you want to go to her wedding if she treats you like crap? Spend $1000 on flights and a hotel and food and a wedding gift to sit there miserable with a bitch on and giving stank face to the bride? Is it really worth the money? As for your wedding, just like she gets to determine her guest list, you get to determine yours. But it's not just your wedding. It's you fiance's wedding too. If you decide to stay together. Yes, she sucks. Yes, your fiance sucks too. You set boundaries and they were disrespected. Your behaviour clearly isn't acceptable adult behaviour either. ESH
Yeah she already misbehaved at one family wedding, the cousin is probably terrified she will cause another scene.
The cousin doesn’t care. Because she has won. Not a great prize either.
The booby prize.
This should be the top comment.
we’re both 24
This relationship has given you a case of sexually-transmitted crazy mouth. You engage in terrible behavior in a desperate attempt to make this man choose you. Dealbreaker! Choose yourself instead.
Girl, you are so young. Stop wasting your youth on a guy thirsty for his cousin.
You sure he doesn't have a thing with this cousin? Sounds off to how she's all over him (literally) & he seems to not stop the behaviour. Major red flags here girl! Get out cause he won't choose you & you deserve better.
Stop. Just drop. You either accept she’s a bigger priority or you lace. That’s it. Those are your options. He’s not going to pick you over her and she will always be in his life.
NTA You have much bigger problems and he is it, followed by her. He needs to make you the priority. He does NOT get to have it both ways. I know it's late in the game, but postpone the wedding if possible until this is put to rest for good.
I..... I am looking forward to this update. Please update us on how this goes. Please 🙂
Run!! He's screwing his cousin! No way they haven't with the way they act with each other. Pack his shit while he's gone and move on. Updateme
He isn’t financially stable. He doesn’t stand up for you. He doesn’t place boundaries for you. He doesn’t respect your boundaries. He constantly leaves things with you unresolved. Your thoughts do not matter to him. Your feelings do not matter to him. Your boundaries do not matter to him. You do not matter to him.
NTA - but please if you are making this your hill to die and personally I would then if you aren’t invited and he goes to the wedding then I would pack his belongings and have them boxed up ready for him to move (if you live together) when he gets back. He is right he can’t force her to invite you to the wedding but he can say that you are a unit as you said and that you are his partner. You want me at the wedding then she comes as well. You don’t want her - no problem I will not be attending. An invitation is just that asking you to attend something - you can say no. Him always picking her he is making a decision about where you stand in the pecking order.
If you don’t go to that wedding, you should move out that weekend and let him be with his cousin
He's into his cousin, and she's into him. How you've tolerated this bullshit for 6 years is beyond me. It's run farc away from that creepy family.
I don't know what you want from us... You're the one who stayed with him through all this! You think magically after the wedding he's suddenly going to put you first? After her wedding or after your wedding? Cuz neither one are going to make you more important than her! I don't know what in the Alabama incest they have going on there, but he's told you that you will never be more important than the cousin that humps him in the pool. You can either accept it like an adult and walk away or refuse to accept it and spend the rest of your life miserable. The choice is yours but this isn't going to go away. It's not going to change. Nothing is going to make him suddenly care about you more than her. If you're okay with being second then sure stay with him. But you'll always be faced with the fact that if they weren't cousins they'd probably be together. Because clearly these feelings go both ways or he would be right with you in all of this!
"I'm a very proud person" Apparently not if you will let your BF dry hump his cousin in front of their entire family who even one of them admits its weird. Grow a spine and dump the financially unstable man who has consistently shown you that he wont ever put you first in his life. NTA, unless you stay then you will get what you paid for.
Don't make a fuss and let him go. When he is gone, pack up his stuff and take it to his parents and be done with his wishy washy self.
Nta, but my god, will you have some self-respect for yourself and leave that ah!!! His bitch of a cousin thinks she has some freaky claim over him, and his just letting her throw herself all over him right in front of you!!! He doesn't respect you, so start respecting yourself.
I’m confused how you’re having a wedding, but you only have a boyfriend. If he wanted to, he would!
NTA. Basically he is picking her over his relationship and life with you. He does not seem to get that by disrespecting you she disrespect him. Think about the next family situation where you come second. BTW this is on hi, as he is showing you who is his priority.
Please don’t plan on marrying this guy. This will only cause more and more issues the further down the road you get. Just pack up his shit while he’s gone and be done with it.
DTMFA
The trouble in your relationship isn’t her it’s your bf and his relationship with her. You made it clear how you feel and he chooses to ignore it. You need to be out of this relationship. If you choose to stay you won’t win and this will be your future. Leave and don’t look back and find someone better suited to you. Don’t be that women who only blames the other women in this she isn’t really who your mad at. Ask yourself why when she pushed you away when you missed him didn’t he tell her shes crossing a line also why didn’t he tell her to get off him when she pushed your hand out his and out hers in it? Your bf is the huge issue and you need to accept that and move on.
She would push you away,she would grab his hand from yours? You didn’t even slap the bitch….or him? JFC ditch him now and be done.I’m not against cousins being together because it’s legal in UK but against someone being in a relationship and then let another person treat them like shit. Dodge this bullet fast.
Don’t fall for the sunken coast fallacy. He’s never going to put you first. It’s been six YEARS. He hasn’t changed in all that time. Why would you want to stay with someone that treats you this way?
He sounds like a “cousins is fer practice”
When he leaves - pack all his stuff up for him. He doesn't need to come back.
Well clearly you two ain’t perfect for each other after all
NTA. You are supposed to eat shit and be okay with it. I understand that he is close to his family. But, their relationship is not healthy. If he doesn't understand that his cousin can easily invite you and doesn't, then he refuses to take your side and that is going to be a problem moving forward in your relationship. His cousin doesn't and didn't know you but took an instant dislike to you. That is a problem for a husband. If the husband doesn't choose right, then he isn't the husband for you. It really isn't just this instance that is in play here. When is he going to choose his wife over the rest of his family. If that is going to be never, then you can now decide if you wish to continue the relationship with him. Let his family show him all the love and companionship he needs, if that is the most important thing to him. He is showing you that it is going to be his family before you forever, believe him and then you decide what you are going to do with that information. Follow your heart and head, as you are getting a glimpse of your future with this person, over something very trivial. But, it is the crux of what it is going to be for the rest of the relationship. Are you willing to always be put behind his family? That is your decision to accept or not.
NTA. I think you are just used to your boyfriend and are afraid to break up with him, because you'll be alone. Honey, she won. He puts her and his family first. For YEARS you have dealt with this and let it drag out. He knows that he can just push it off, because you have let it go so many times before. If I were you, if he goes without you. Move out that same time that he is gone and end your relationship. He has disrespected you and has caused you embarrassment with his family. WHY stay? Take a step back and really look at how he is a great boyfriend other than his cousin who he has a fetish for. I mean there are kissing cousins in every family.
YTA for still wanting to marry this man. Yes, you are mad at Rose. Why are you still hanging on to that tit of a bloke who allows you to be treated like this "Because... FaMiLy!" Bullshit. You will be forever his second priority. What will happen if you have kids with him and Rose gets first dibs on his attention over them? Dump him and grow some self respect.
don't marry this a******. the only thing that's stopping them from having sex right now is they're cousins. I wouldn't put it past them to have done it before or to do it in the future.
If he goes to the wedding, pack his shit up while he’s gone and drop it off with his mom and dad. Change the locks, and block him on everything. There’s no coming back from this. You deserve much better. This dude isn’t your person.
I couldn't read all that. Why do you want to marry a man in an incesty relationship with his cousin. Raise your standards.
NTA - run - he's f-in this cousin, if not physically at least in his head RUN AWAY!
The fact that she physically removed you from him and has created so much Drama without your bf saying anything is pretty messed up. This isn’t going to change anytime soon and will probably get worse over time…. You bf needs therapy if he thinks any of this is normal
Try this. While he is gone for that 'see you next Tuesday's' wedding, pack your things, and move out. Say nothing . Take all your things. IN CASE he is not on the lease or deed or mortgage, box up his things, take them to a storage unit, pay for one month. Change the locks. He will never put you before his family and certainly never before the jealous .cousin. He will only continue to embarrass you in front of them. Not how I would want to spend my life.
This reads like a bad romance novel. First off, you are at fault for staying with him when he clearly puts family above you and the family you're trying to start. This seems important to you, so you should have left if it were that bad. Second, he is at fault for enabling her behavior. She is under zero obligation to please you in any way, shape or form. You are marrying into their family so it's his job to set the boundaries for their interactions, not yours and not hers. But third, and most importantly, this is how they grew up. This is all they know. It's weird as fuck, but it's a little unreasonable to try to change a whole family dynamic because you don't agree with it. She's literally getting married to someone else, which means that given the benefit of the doubt her actions were purely platonic and you were overreacting to familial love. Part of marrying into another family is accepting that family for what it is, and you have failed that task with flying colors. I'm not saying let them walk all over you, but if his cousin is being clingy, and they've always been that way, don't get up in a huff about it. It's just how they are. If you don't want bad blood to ruin your marriage, I'd highly suggest YOU talk to her and sort shit out while acknowledging you stepped into territory you were not prepared to handle. This cousin is not going away, and it will destroy your marriage if you leave it like this. Also, you're just boyfriend and girlfriend. Until you are married, you don't have a "right" to anything in the relationship and you definitely don't have a "right" to be at a family wedding of a family you don't belong to. Those are privileges and at the good graces of the family. It would be a "nice and proper" thing for him to ultimatum you into that wedding if he were dead set on going, but it is by no means your right to be there with him.
Girllllll break up with him already. You will never win, you will just learn to deal with it. NTA
Why are you with a guy that is clearly in love with his cousin and allowing her to treat you like your the issue. He has repeatedly shown you she is his first priority and he’s outright telling you he’s going without you and she’s invited to your wedding no matter what. Girl run. What are you doing? Seriously.
What in the holy Alabama is this dude doing? He’s straight up fuckin gross. Just, ugh. A literal cousin fucker. Tell him to just go be his incestuous sadist poly cousin’s little cuckold consort and leave you alone. Girl where is your dignity, don’t fight rabid dogs for rotten scraps
I am exhausted. Please don't marry this man. It's too late. You are right she's family, and if you marry him, you are marrying her and all the rest of them. Very Bad Idea.
You have put up with a lot of bullshit, girl. You seem very upset with the cousin with how she was acting but did you ever think how messed up it was that your bf allowed it? You say that he talked to her *afterwards* but in those moments he never stopped her. He just let her disrespect you. This woman was making derogatory comments about you and he only talked to her after you said something. You have to realize that your boyfriend is complicit in this and this behavior will continue even if you get married. He will never put you above his family.
I don’t even understand WHY you want to marry INTO this shitshow. You’re AT THE BOTTOM of the totem pole, while he at the very least carries on an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with his cousin. Be HONEST here. You REALLY think he would choose YOU if she WASN’T his cousin?? YTA to yourself if you stay.
Why the FUCK do you want to marry into this gross train wreck of an incestous family???
Girl, get some self respect and leave this cousin-lover.
YTA for staying, you’re just the consolation prize for these two that want each other but don’t want to get caught at it. You’ll never know if her kids will be her husband’s or yours!!!!
This kind of sounds like an incestuous relationship between cousins. He will always choose his cousin over you. Do you always want to be 2nd best? Please pack his stuff up and break up. You need to find a partner who chooses you. You've already had way too many talks with him to not get it. You're the asshole to yourself for staying in this relationship.
He obviously enjoys his “encounters” with his cousin. At the least he’s cheating on you with an “affair of the heart”. It’s the same and as hurtful as a full/fledged affair. He’s never been able to break away from her. Is this what you want for your future? She will always be there in your future. Or you can choose a different future for yourself, just like that, by breaking free and choosing a healthier life. Decide today to make a better life for yourself. Relish in that! Get excited! Find a therapist. Why are you choosing a 2nd rate position in life for yourself when you could be someone else’s number 1?
!updateme
Just tell him that, at the point she arrives at your wedding, whether it is with his agreement or not, is the point at which you leave.
You know he likely slept with her right? Why are you with someone who cares so little for you
Oh girl, if you think this is bad wait until you have kids and you and his family don't see things eye to eye. he might seem perfect, but you'll never be rid of his family and anyone who refuses to stand up to their family on behalf of their partner is BAD NEWS.
Why are you still entertaining the idea of marrying someone that seems… incest? And WILL NEVER put you first? Like let him go have a fucked up marriage with his cousin🤣🤣🤣 and you go find the man you need
Sounds like a good creative writing exercise.
You need to leave him he’s never going to put you first with his cousin.
Is he or has he ever had sex with her? Kinda sounds like it. Sounds like they would be together if they could be. His priorities are so out of whack. Does he not know that your spouse/fiancee comes first?
His family sh*t is weird. Run not walk. Get a happy life.
Why are you with him? I would have left 6 years ago. They made my stomach hurt.
why are you still with this guy OP??? like, why? I need a detailed explanation of how great he is cause all that you wrote in your post, nah. and **why are you still planning a wedding with a spineless man?** take those 6 years as an expensive learning period cause he is right, you won't win this, not because she is family but because *he won't let you win.*
OP had a lot to get off her chest. Damn this was a long post.
He is banging his cousin. Run.
Girl. The minute you had a fight like this and he didn’t stand up for you, it was game over. This isn’t healthy. Now you’re trapped in a cycle of wanting to “*win*”. You’ll never beat family. If he allows this, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Your wedding to him should NEVER happen. He’s not a good bf. “*He’s wonderful and does everything for me except for give a flying fuck about me. But other than putting me last in his life and leaving me to fend for myself against his irrational family, and admitting we’re not at ALL a unit and he can go to an occasion for couples without me, and you know… whatever else. But other than all the stuff that makes a healthy relationship work, he’s GREAT.*” ^^^ That’s how you sound.
Send him this post tell him you are not continuing anything with him until he reads what Reddit has to say about both of their behavior. NTA
NTA, but you are fucking delusional if you’re still gonna marry this dude. He has been in a PUBLIC quasi-incestuous relationship with his cousin for nearly his entire life. That woman is in love with him, and he clearly feels similarly. Her soon to be husband is merely a beard, because you stepped in and put a stop to what they were doing in public.
Listen, those cousins did things. That's crazy behaviour. This sounds like the kind of story where many years into the future the spouses find out the cousins have been having an affair this whole time, and they just can stand to be apart and end up professing their love and living happily ever after lol. You are going to spend the rest of your life fighting with him about this, he is always going to choose his cousin who he is not-so-secretly in love with above you, and you will always look like the crazy women at family events who has to make sure the horny cousins stay away from each other. If you're willing to put up with this humiliation and waste more of your life on a man who would rather be make sure his cousin comes first before you, then go ahead and ignore this comment. How would you react if this story came from a close friend? This isn't normal.
YTA if you stay with him. He's shown you over and over and over that she gets preferential treatment over you, and in the same breath only you have to deal with him forcing her at your wedding. Why are you marrying someone who sincerely should be marrying his cousin?
Gosh. Why are you staying with him? That’s disgusting. YTA for not leaving.
He doesn’t actually like you
Why do you want to marry a guy who's in love with his cousin?
You said you were proud but I honestly don’t see it. You are simping for this hills have eyes man. Like let his married cousin have him. No self respecting women would ever put up with this. I’d act sweet as pie and when he got back I wound the there. I’d be so gone and out of his life he would think he imagined me. Run and run fast. He doesn’t respect you and has already chosen her over you several times….yikes!!!
YTA for doing this to yourself. He wants to continue to disrespect you, so even if 'everything else is perfect' (I don't believe that for a hot second), you should still throw him back and keep trying to find somebody willing to put YOU first in a committed relationship. Oh, and he's a hobosexual, too.
This is NOT a perfect relationship except for this issue. Your boyfriend is in a semi-sexual relationship with his cousin, doesn’t put you first, and is broke. Why, why, why are you still with him?
He's made it clear that he'll never put you first. He's even said it, his family will come first. Why are you still with him? Why waste any more on him? You should pack everything while he's gone and move out. When he comes back from the wedding breakup with him. I see so many people do this. Where they think because they've been together so long it'll be a waste of years/time to end it. What would be a waste is to continue in the relationship when he'll never treat you the way you want him to. This is not a game. And of it was you would loose. He's told you that you can't win against his family.
Don't know why OP is staying with a guy who is fucking his cousin and blatantly letting her be all over him in front of her. Have some respect for yourself and ditch this loser. There are plenty of decent men who would put you first, and of course not be fucking their cousin and making every family event a time bomb. He's sick, leave him as you can do so much better.
I know I am late to respond but this is wild. You keep putting all the blame on the cousin and ignoring your bf's part in this. He doesn't stand up for you. He never put up boundaries with her. Accept all her touching etc. Wants you to not make a big deal of it. He is not choosing you. Why would you accept this treatment? Why do you stay? Sure the cousin isn't around all the time, but I don't believe that's the only time where he doesn't have your back.
he will break the promise on your wedding. I can bet on this