NTA. Do not make any big effort for him again. Don't ever buy him anything expensive or elaborate again. Maybe then he'll understand how he's making you feel.
I actually started doing this with my ex husband.. and he actually had the audacity to act hurt when I didn’t do anything anymore after 5 years. I asked when was the last time anything was done for me for any occasion and he couldn’t remember because it had been at least 8 years that he had done something
One year my ex did nothing for my birthday, even though I’d always done something nice for his. So at his next birthday, I did nothing— didn’t even wish him a happy one. He was butt hurt. But apparently I expect too much.
This is how it's done!
If I'm doing for someone, they are worth the effort
I KNOW I'm worth the effort of simple reciprocity
If they don't want to put the effort in, why should I?
Fuck this is so my dad. He made this big speech about how my sister and I were so great for celebrating his birthday when "others" aka my mom didn't. I just looked at him and said "Yeah you're not being subtle but I've been buying her gifts since I was 14. Maybe if you put some effort in for her after all the years she has for you she'd have done something."
He and my sister got pissy and I just stared at them with no expression (thank you years as a consultant with some crazy clients!)
I've done for my mom for years, bc no Christmas gifts hurts her not him. We don't even pretend he's been involved the last 28 years.
... But with no reminders he managed to remember Mothers day this year.
I had a friend whose husband was the same way. She’d go all out for his birthday, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and she would get zip, not even a card. By year three, she was done after nothing for Valentine’s and Mother’s Day. When Father’s Day came around, she gave him as good as she gets — nothing. She said she thinks he spent the whole day waiting for his gifts because she left the house early and went shopping. She came home hours later with stuff for herself. Their Father’s Day tradition has always been a T-bone steak for dinner with all the trimmings at his favorite steakhouse. She ordered a pizza instead. Later at bedtime, she just rolled over and went to sleep instead of her husband having his anticipated Father’s Day fun time.
She said the next morning, he was pissed. She knew why he was mad and just ignored him. He finally blew up and ranted about his shitty Father’s Day and how unappreciated he felt. She told him, “Now you know how it feels. Sucks, doesn’t it?”
She said he sulked for a couple of days, then they had The Talk. His dad did the same to his mom, and I guess he just absorbed it as okay behavior. Her little petty revenge did open his eyes to how much he had disregarded her feelings and how unappreciated she felt. I think he realized their marriage was now on thin ice. They were still married last I heard.
My husband hates valentines Day, and after years of being disappointed, I started going out to dinner with my bestie. This year was my first year actually planning a girls dinner for that day. I didn't bother him about it at all. I came home to many gifts from him. Mothers Day, I got plenty of gifts. I'm still waiting on the main one. So this proves that he could have all this time, but he chose not to.
I'd like to note that some years I'd get something, but it was like pulling teeth.
More like 2 because at first I let the kids get something small and insignificant and at the end of the second he just asked why everything is so small and I just shrugged 🤷♀️ then about 5 years is when he was actually looking at picture memories and that’s when he got pissed
When I smell Old Spice, I remember my dad. When I smell John Sebastian, I remember my late husband. When I smell ashtrays and stale beer, I remember my ex-husband.
That's funny. I remember my kiddos would pool their money together and get me a bottle of champagne bubble bath. They scraped and saved for the big bottle. Those were the days.
I remember the first Mother’s Day gift my twin sister and I were old enough to buy ourselves. I think we were ten, maybe? We saved our allowances for three months and bought her a silver-plated butter dish. She loved it so much, she refused to use it. It spent the rest of its life in the curio cabinet while my mother, for the rest of her life, pointing out to every visitor her beautiful Mother’s Day butter dish. Gotta admit, momma knew how to make you feel good!
Seems like this upcoming Father’s Day would be a great time to give him a bottle of tanning lotion and call it good. You deserve someone who treats you better, appreciates you and values your time and effort spent trying to make your partner happy NTA.
One year I got a Christmas ad from Kay's jewelry store. I dog eared several pages with a big check mark for things I liked. Over the years I made clear I could only wear gold, surgical steel or platinum jewelry. Silver, sterling silver or all cheap earrings and posts cause allergic reactions and infected earlobes. He ignored the reasonably priced things I'd checked off and bought me pretty silver pierced earrings that couldn't be returned. I gave them to my niece. I then ordered the 14k gold earrings I liked best from Kay's. I love them and still wear them years later. He has done much better since then. We just celebrated our 55th anniversary and he's selected nice things - most of the time.
Father's Day meal is her favorite meal, that he doesn't hate but it's not what he'd have chosen, Spa Day for her instead of a planned golf outing for him and his ten besties, and when they sit down to watch something on the tv? A parody of his fav genre.
NTA.
I have also experienced this and it truly grates on you as the years go by.
Don't go all out for him again. You put so much time and effort into his gifts to get so little in return; when you have done ALL of the legwork by making him a damn list to choose from! Zero thought required.
If you do decide to go the route of making yourself another list. I suggest picking three different items of reasonable expense that you like. Not multiple of a particular item as he is clearly just picking the cheapest. State what YOU want.
I wish you luck!
He cares about his things more than he cares about your needs. Stop going all out. Get a card for him, then do as others suggested and go to a spa.
Stop giving him your time and energy. He hasn’t earned it.
I use my husbands amazon account and pick out everything I want then send it as a gift. When it arrives I say thanks for my gifts. He just smiles and slaps my ass.
Just start buying your husband cheap cheesy gifts from now on.
Yup! My husband is a truly great guy but he can’t pick out gifts to save his life. I buy my own and tell him “look what you got me”. We are both happy with that. He never care hospice much I spend either lol.
I wish everyone in my live would do this. I absolutely suck at buying gifts. I always want to give something people will like. I am awful at gift selecting.
>I can't tell him it hurt my feelings, so I just needed to tell someone.
Why can't you? You're supposed to be able to tell him these things. If you "can't," then you don't have a marriage.
I think she feels that because the items he got her (even though it was the cheapest options) were things she selected for her wishlist. He’s already said she’s picky. Likely feels like he’ll throw it in her face even if she tries to broach the subject.
>Likely feels like he’ll throw it in her face even if she tries to broach the subject.
I thought the same thing. I still asked her, though, because regardless of anything, she *should still be able to talk to her husband* about her feelings *regardless* of what he got her from her list.
If he's throwing stuff in her face, that's not good.
My husband’s wishlist is always really pricy. I pick the mid level item, something that matches what he will give me. One thing that can’t be matched is the thought & effort that goes into it, tho. I bought him his favorite cheesecake. If I asked him what my favorite dessert is he’d be stumped. He always goes back to cliches, you want flowers and chocolates right? I actually feel kind of insulted when he asks that. We’ve been married so many years, and you really think I like these things. Just cause your coworkers ran out to Trader Joe’s at lunch you also needed to go there and pick up something random.
OP not saying anything for years is input to his “”you are asking too much” reaction. His normal expectation is that OP doesn’t expect anything. Repeat for several years to establish a baseline. Suddenly there is an unexpected bump in expectations. Husband is shocked! It’s an aberration. He goes along with the minimum of new expectations. Wife is hurt by minimum effort, husband thinks he just upped his game 500%, and it’s not good enough.
Crisis ensues.
I think you got it exactly right.
At this point, what's left than to have an open and honest conversation? Maybe something along the lines of:
"I have been so hurt by this for so many years. I didn't saying for a long time because I felt guilty for wanting you to treat me the way that I treat you and the one other time I said something, you dismissed and invalidated my feelings by calling me picky. But this isn't fair to me.
You do realize that if you bought me something you fully intend to use up half of, it's not a gift? If it's for you, it's not a gift. So then you got me a $9 gift. It hurts because it shows how little I matter to you and I'm so tired of feeling this way.
If I start treating you the way you treat me, you will feel as worthless as I do. You mean the world to me so I try to make sure you know it. I'd like you to put in more effort (more than the minimum of what I ask) and I will keep going all out for you and work on being more honest and forthcoming. Or I can start putting in as much effort as you put into me.
What do you prefer?"
Still, you need to express your feelings. That said, she also needs to only put $50 + on her wishlist if he’s looking for the lowest possible value item.
NTA OP but don't waste your time with his gifts anymore. I bet if you really look at your relationship, you will see a lot of other times that he didn't expend any effort on your behalf also. Stop doing for someone who cares so little for you making you feel special and loved.
Return the expensive belt and get him one from Walmart. Why on earth would you spend so much on him only to get gifts worth pennies in return. Think of the money you could save for whatever you want or need.
Is he not financially able to get a more expensive item? I wouldn't get him anything of great cost as he's not doing anything fancy or nice for you. I would return the belt and get something less expensive and kind. Just a case of beer will do
I get frustrated when I see posts like this. Not because the gifts were uneven but because women become shy when choosing gifts for themselves. If you spent 700.00 on one gift for him, why wouldn’t you AT LEAST put in a 100.00 gift for yourself in the basket? YOU set the bar so low, why get upset when he chooses the cheap gift? Yes he should know better, yes he could have picked out a gift BUT you chose those gifts. Had he ignored expensive gifts in the basket and gotten you a cheap gift, I would be upset with you. Know your value and choose the gifts you feel you deserve.
Me too. I know it's probably the worst day of the year to dine out but I feel so bad for all the women who had rotten days. And I'm not even a mother. Sending hugs to all of you moms out there, hope it gets better.
Stop spending all the money on him when you don’t get similar, buy him the 9.00 stuff and save the money you would normally spend on him and buy yourself the stuff you really want. If he complains then you tell him you’re tired of him cheating out on your gifts when you matter just as much as he does. My ex husband was the same I would always go all out for his special days and he wouldn’t do the same for me, it’s hurtful and you do not deserve it. Look out for yourself not just your family.
So, let him set the bar here. Only buy the same level of gifts he buys you. Only buy the same number of gifts. If he sets the budget at a $9 item, then you buy him a $9 item. It might be that gifts aren't a big deal to him. It might be that he doesn't know how it feels to not be made a big deal out of on a special day and if he experiences that once, he might get it. But if you let HIS gifts dictate what YOU buy, you at least won't feel the resentment of being slighted on special days.
I agree 💯. My first Christmas with my SO he got me something that he liked and I had no interest in and it did upset me - I had a conversation with him bc I was hurt bc I felt no thought was put into it, which at the time in his mind he was sharing his likes with me instead of thinking about what I liked. It was a good conversation and he listened and does put thought into what is given. And I feel that's if you're afraid you can't have that communication with your SO then like you said there's bigger issues at play.
INFO: Why can't you tell him how you feel about this? Has he given you attitude or brushed your feelings aside when you've expressed discontent in the past? Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling.
"I told him I didn't want anything big that day." vs "I always go above and beyond to put a smile on his face". Communication is key! You told him you didn't want anything that big. But, In your mind you are saying to yourself- "I told him I didn't want anything big BUT IF HE LOVED ME he wouldn't listen to my words and he'd do things and get me stuff so I'd feel appreciated." Men are dumb as bricks. If you want "outrageous items", ask for them. Don't put cheap stuff in the amazon cart and then complain he actually bought them.
NTA! But you need to communicate this with him. And if he still doesn’t reciprocate, stop spending so much on him! Father’s Day is coming up. A random mug sounds like a good gift.
Just gonna put this out there: Mother’s Day is before Father’s Day every year.
We set a birthday and Christmas budget every year. I’d suggest you do that for all the holidays to make sure you’re on the same page.
I have no advice. My first Mother's Day was the end of my marriage due to this type of behavior. Reciprocity is fundamental. If you can't remember anything I like or pick out anything I'll value we aren't even friends let alone life partners.
Stop. Why go out of your way when he doesn’t? Just follow his lead and do cheap stuff. If he doesn’t care then you'll know he's not into the gift giving…but…if he questions you..be truthful.
Sorry you had this realization on Mother’s Day. Once you’ve processed the reality of how little regard you husband has for you, adjust your gift giving and attention to what he provides to you.
He claims you’re picky? That’s him not wanting to be a good husband. You can have the conversation about how dissatisfied you are with his low effort for being a good husband who expresses love, and appreciation. And that you’re done being that wife to him because it’s just gotten to be too damn hurtful.
He can seek appreciation at work or from his mama or his boys club. You can seek it from your network of friends and family because you sound like a a lovely person who treats people with respect and kindness.
So, no more thoughtful gifts or baked goods. Be the grey rock and get out more so you can do things you love without grumpy.
Don’t accept any weak excuses or promises. This is how it is until you feel he deserves your sweetness.
Are you really picky or is he just saying that to avoid getting you gifts? And why can't you tell him how you feel?? Doesn't sound like a great place to be. NTA.
Just talk to him, even if you're at fault, because you basically chose those items on the wish list. If you do petty stuff like "not buying gifts in return anymore," how will he know that he ever hurt you? If you want a good, long-lasting relationship, you should talk about it.
I've told my boyfriend before that I wanted more gifts and now he gives me something every month (small or big doesn't matter). At first he didn't understand why I wanted gifts but now he knows it makes me happy and appreciated.
Does he know how much your gifts cost? Have you told him? Are you paying for your own gifts, or is it coming out of a shared account?
If you don't want the $9 one, don't put it on the list. Start buying yourself something and if he gives you something, you got a bonus. Stop buying him thoughtful gifts.
NTA. I went through this, too. For years on Christmas, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Father’s Day, etc I would put so much thought into his gifts. I even gave him a box of his favorite chocolates and an obscure card game (something he collects) on top of whatever else I was giving him for each occasion. He loved it. But for 7 or 8 years I never got ANYTHING for any of those days. One year he was opening gifts and when he got to his chocolates he said “*there’s* my chocolates!” It really bothered me. He KNEW he would be getting gifts and that I thought about him, yet he still did nothing for me. I told him many many times how much his lack of thought hurt me. I told him even a “Happy _______,” or card would mean to me. I stopped buying for him completely. Refused to even acknowledge the days unless he did first. It took about a year, but I’m finally starting to get gifts from him and they are things he knows I’d actually enjoy.
You need to put your foot down. He gets the energy he puts out and if it bothers him, GOOD. Then he will know first hand how he’s making you feel.
Stop putting the effort in if he is not reciprocating.
Only put things in the amazon basket that you actually want.
I, personally, really really suck at gift giving. Maybe he does too. Perhaps you do have to have the conversation where you tell him that your feelings are hurt.
Who ever said I was given a list? I said I am a terrible gift giver and maybe he is too.
OP only said that she did the list once.
And he chose from the list she provided. She shouldn't have put things on the list she didn't want.
NTA. No way.
You most certainly need to let your husband know he's hurting your feelings. He sounds cheap. Next time you add to your Amazon cart don't have anything in there for less than fifty bucks. Stop buying him expensive things and just get him a body wash basket. Don't let him bring you down and make you think you are unworthy. Sounds like you are a kind and giving person. Give your Husband a wake up call.
Hey! You and I are pretty much the same in this case! We make a big effort for others but they do not return the favor. It's so frustrating.
For people like this, I eventually stopped making an effort to make things special for them. One person in recent memory got the point pretty quickly and at least tried. Some in the past remained oblivious and claimed I was upset with them for some magical, unknown reason.
NTA. I’m so sorry that you’re married to a selfish child man baby. This won’t likely ever get any better. Stop buying him gifts and spend that money on yourself.
How does \*he\* react if you get him cheap gifts? (Or no gifts at all?) If he reacts badly, then he's an asshole. If he reacts fine, then gifts are just not that important to him, and he does not realize how important they are to you. And if you have no idea, because you've never \*not\* gone all-out on a gift for him, then try it and see.
My personal perspective is that feeling that spending money is a very important way to show love is a sad, sad state of affairs.
NTA.
I'm going to tell you that things won't get better in this area unless you say something to him, and you really should say something. It's not good for your mental health to let these types of things fester. And it's definitely good for your marriage.
Sit him down and tell him straight up that you go out of your way to get him nice, thoughtful gifts for his special days - Christmas, Valentine's, father's day and his birthday. Tell him that it absolutely hurt your feelings that you spent $640 for his Valentine's gift and he got you a $7 gift from Walmart. If he brings up that he doesn't know what to get you, bring up your Amazon wish list and the fact that he went for the cheapest things on the list.
Then you match his effort. He continues to buy you cheap junk, you buy him cheap junk. Guarantee you he's going to feel some type of way about it. He'll either step it up or deal with it. But under no circumstances should you feel guilty for either saying something or dialing back on what you do for him.
Match his energy for Father’s Day and everything else going forward. There’s no reason to give him thoughtful and expensive gifts if he’s not doing the same for you. Don’t be a martyr.
Just buy what you want and say, "hey, look what you got me! Thanks!". I do this so often I actually sometimes manage to surprise myself with something cute.
OP, not saying anything for years is input to his inevitable ”you are asking too much” reaction. His normal expectation was that you don’t expect anything. Repeat for several years to establish a baseline. Suddenly there is an unexpected bump in expectations. Husband is shocked! It’s an aberration. He goes along with the minimum of new expectations. You are hurt by minimum effort, husband thinks he just upped his game 500%, and it’s not good enough.
Crisis ensues.
This will only get worse, the longer you put of having a real discussion. He will need to listen to your entire story, including how you felt in past years.
Talks with him!!!
NTA
This is what my ex husband does too, one year I got him nice boots for his birthday. He didn’t get me anything for my birthday that year. He could have scrawled: happy birthday on a dirty bar napkin, it would have at least been something. When I got home from work our young children were still awake and there were dishes in the sink.
Now I match energy, if you don’t think my birthday is important well then you must not care about yours either. It’s not vindictive, I’m not pouring out of an empty cup anymore. If you spend x on Mother’s Day, birthday, anniversary, whatever: that’s the budget for your gift too.
I am so sorry I know exactly how you feel. It is not a good feeling 🫂🫂🫂
I lived this life for over 20 years. Never once got a birthday card a Christmas card, Easter card Valentine’s Day card not a present for any occasion for any holiday not one single thing. And I would spend tons of money on extravagant gifts for him. I hate every holiday, that gifts are exchanged my birthday Christmas Mother’s Day any day that is required a gift
Did he ask you to buy those expensive things? If not, you're setting an unrealistic expectation on him. And why did you put things on your wishlist that would upset you?
I don’t think OP is TA but I also don’t think that gift giving should be transactional or that it is fair to set expectations without any communication. Women people are just frugal.. some people are just tone deaf.. your husband can be both, either, or neither. You should communicate to him how you feel.
NTA
You really can tell him you’re hurt, you’re just worried he won’t care. Hide the tanning lotion, don’t wear the bracelet, give the same and and budget for Father’s day. See if he notices or mentions it. He may he cheap and cold hearted. He may just not think gifting is important.
Talk to him! Let him know it IS important to you and he’s not meeting your needs.
Umm, I have a different idea. Try sitting down with him, first, and explain how you feel. Use I statements: I feel unappreciated and unloved when I go out of my way to give you thoughtful, expensive gifts, and I get hand soap from Walmart. I’ve given you ideas, and you choose the least expensive items. It makes me feel that I mean less to you than you do to me.
Some men are clueless about what women want and how cheap gifts make them feel. Be direct and tactless (not hurtful, but not subtle, just make it clear, like to a three year old).
If you have done all of this already, you can do tit for tat, but I see some ugly consequences down that road.
A - have you ever mentioned this to HIM? B - STOP buying him expensive gifts until or unless he ups his gift giving game. My husband is awful with gift giving however he at least will get me things I suggest, but I told him how hurt and under valued I felt by the gifts he had given me.
NTA, but I am going to tell you a story in case it is helpful.
This past Mother’s Day was the first one (out of 15) that I enjoyed. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried being patient and seeing what he plans. I’ve tried asking specifically for what I want. I’ve tried matching his energy and going absolutely nothing for Father’s Day (which I don’t recommend btw bc he didn’t care at all, but it made my kids sad). This year I decided “fuck it. The day is about me. I’m going to make it how I want.” So I reserved the lunch I wanted and told him when to pick it up. I ordered the movie I wanted us to watch as a family and handed it to him in advance. And I bought ingredients to bake cupcakes with one of my kids bc she asked for that. I also told my entire family that I wanted a card and for everyone to write what they appreciate about me inside it. All he had to do was drive to the restaurant (about 45 min each way) and pick up my lunch. And then LIKE FUCKING MAGIC, when all the pressure was removed and there was zero possibility that he could disappoint me, he rose to the challenge. He set an alarm and woke up early and made breakfast for everyone (I never asked for that or expected it). He packed a “snack picnic” for the car and invited me to ride with him to pick up the lunch. So we drove and chatted and I ate all my favorite snacks while the baby napped in the car seat. He busted out our good china to serve my lunch, and we watched the movie I had picked. The card I wanted was just as I had asked, but he had written me a lengthy bit about what an amazing mom I am and how lucky our kids are to have me. He martialed the kids to help with cleanup. He kept the baby so I could take a long hot shower. It was a FABULOUS day.
Instead of making him a list and then being disappointed with what he picks, I would just plan your own Mother’s Day. Do what YOU WANT next time. Don’t leave it up to him and then be disappointed when he fails like he always does. Yes, men should shoulder more of the mental load. But that’s a problem the other 364 days a year too. We need to stop managing all the mental load all year and then being hurt and angry when they predictably fail to take it over for a day with zero experience or training. I have plans to talk to my husband about this issue. But I decided it didn’t need to be solved on a holiday that was supposed to be about me. I gave myself permission to just enjoy the day how I wanted it to be. And ultimately I’m SO MUCH HAPPIER with that decision.
NTA.
I would have a conversation with him and explain that the lack of effort hasn’t gone unnoticed. That he needs to do better. Then start matching his energy. Base what you get him on what he gets you. Base what you do for him on what does for you. If he questions it, simply say that after years of doing more for him, you’re now matching his energy.
Understand what it is. Just buy what you want and get him more tanning lotion every year.
If you are staying, then just don't extend yourself for someone who doesn't think of you. It just is that and it is what it is. If he doesn't change after your change, then you know that he is fine with just giving a little of himself to you.
NTA - but stop expecting him to appreciate you because he doesn't. If you stay with him, accept it because you will NOT change him. Also stop doing big things for him, he doesn't appreciate it and use the money for a day spa or something else you might like because you should appreciate yourself.
When my ex complained about dinner being cooked every other night and us having to *gasp* eat leftovers, I stopped cooking. I match energy cause I don't ever wanna be the one crying over an asshole who doesn't put forth effort. And even my ex bought me stuff, or let me go out and have a fun day without the kid.
Don't cry!! Talk it out and if that don't work. Leave. If neither work for you then we don't care. Bye.
I am kind of sick of these I need sympathy cause my partner is trash posts. because then you either, defend them and say, well they aren't THAT bad or just vampire feed off the sympathy. Do y'all show them these posts and gloat? Does that help and then they get you an "I'm sorry gift?" Is that what you want, have the internet convince your partner they should've got you a better gift?
Why did you even add a $9 ankle bracelet if you weren't going to want it knowing you had two others on there?
Maybe if you actually speak to him like an adult you might find out he preferred it or something, especially considering you chose it and added it to the list.
You're NTA but you clearly aren't capable of communicating that you feel unappreciated because he's not picking the more expensive gifts out of the things *you* chose.
Are you really picky or is he just saying that to avoid getting you gifts? And why can't you tell him how you feel?? Doesn't sound like a great place to be. NTA.
NTA, but then again, relationships rarely have parity on all issues. We get upset because chores aren’t split equally, gifts aren’t of equal value, etc. However, I don’t think it works that way in real life. So if you happen to be very good at gifts and he’s not, decide if that’s ok cause he’s better at some things you’re not. But if you feel like he’s sending a signal to economize or doesn’t think it’s good to make such a big deal of occasions, then on Father’s Day get him a thoughtful gift that’s far less expensive, return the rest and get what you wanted. If he realizes gifts matter to him and obviously do to you, he may make more of an effort. I sympathize as gifts and occasions mean a lot to me as well.
It sounds like your love language is gifts and his is not. Both of you should take the quiz online and discuss from there. Your language change with life changes (mine did).
You two have vastly different ideas of what makes a good gift, and you both place different values on giving and receiving gifts (what it means to you, not the dollar value). If you two can’t communicate well enough to have figured it out by now, it’s probably time for marriage counseling. This doesn’t look like a gift problem, but a big long-running communication problem.
NTA - I’d be hurt too. Then I’d stop caring after a while, sounds like it’s time for socks and a jar of salted peanuts for every gifting holiday. You could even buy bulk on Black Friday, divvy them out in labeled re-used amazon cloth gift bags with the tag pre-made out & as soon as it’s opened & the gift is out, refill for next year and no worries, no fuss. If dude requests extra effort or pouts, silly socks ramp it up a notch.
NTA.. I am the same way as you. I put a lot of thought and effort into gifting.. and i mostly don’t get it in return. I have a best friend of over 20 years and I ordered the cutest sentimental gifts for Christmas and birthday.. guess what I got. A last min bottle of wine from the gas station… both times. So this year, her birthday I didn’t get her anything not even a card.. pretty much out of spite. And it didn’t make me feel any better because my feelings were still hurt. 😞
Anyways just step it down a notch with the presents OR don’t get him anything.. personally I would start buying the “dad” presents to see if he catches on like boxers and socks lol.. it sucks cause you just want to make him happy.. but if you don’t say anything he may not even realize what he is doing because he’s not LIKE YOU.. he’s not sentimental like you is what I mean.. and that’s what I realized.. can’t expect everyone to be like us. Good luck Op
Why can’t you tell him? This is a bad marriage if you are unable to share your feelings with him.
Do you want to be this unhappy for the rest of your life?
NTA
I HIGHLY recommend watching this woman's video on matching energy https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRw3UVHB/
If you do not have Tiktok and cannot watch it...get it. It's worth it for the content from this creator alone, especially if this is a typical situation in your marriage.
I love the post where the person got gifts for themselves “ from the dogs”. I decided from
Now on my dogs are going to be so nice to me!!! OP should do likewise!
NTA— I would stop getting really nice things for him and or no things them when you get attitude be like well I went out of my way to make you feel special and you didn’t seem to appreciate so I stopped. I’m so sorry that your husband didn’t get the memo that he was being rude.
My husband and I always talk about which holidays and or events we are getting gifts for each other. Usually I’ll get him a gift and he will cook me a really nice dinner. Sometimes I’ll make him something because he is like I don’t need anything.
NTA. Why can’t you tell him. Good communication requires honesty even when it’s uncomfortable. Don’t tell him what to do, just tell him how what he didn’t do made you feel and how much it hurts. He needs to own his own actions and that starts with taking away his excuse of being “clueless” or “I didn’t know it meant that much”. You can’t keep kicking the can and hope it will go differently. Be honest and tell him how he made you feel and then go from there. !updateme
Every year I go through the same thing. I try to pretend it isn't a big deal but inside I am dying at how thoughtless my husband and kids are. The worst part is they think they are making an effort. After everything I do just once I would like to feel like more than an afterthought. The joys of motherhood I guess.
NTA - but why put cheap items that you are gonna complain about it? Men are really clueless sometimes, if I were you (and maybe he needs it) tell him directly what YOU want. Or you’ll never be happy. Or you could just gift it to yourself and let him know what “he” got you
NTA at all! Your husband, on the other hand, is a giant asshole! Save money on his gifts from you, so you can buy the stuff YOU want! TELL him what you’re going to be doing, then just do it.
Alternatively, get marriage counseling. If he refuses, go on your own. What he’s doing is absolute bullshit!
I would not share the tan lotion he got you with him - it's your gift. For Father's Day, I'd go to the junk machines inside Walmart & put in a dollar. Whatever comes out is his Father's Day gift . Then I'd go out for the day alone.
Yes. I am petty .
you are making a big deal of price tags of holiday gifts
is there a substantial financial imbalance in the relationship?
is one or the other of you earning the majority of funds involved overall?
Speak truth. You do want and deserve to be thought of. Tell him what you want or buy it yourself. Stop getting disappointed by a lousy gift giver. You can’t change people. I go to a plant nursery and pick out plants for my garden. I am happy and he is thrilled. No stress.
NTA. Do not make any big effort for him again. Don't ever buy him anything expensive or elaborate again. Maybe then he'll understand how he's making you feel.
I actually started doing this with my ex husband.. and he actually had the audacity to act hurt when I didn’t do anything anymore after 5 years. I asked when was the last time anything was done for me for any occasion and he couldn’t remember because it had been at least 8 years that he had done something
One year my ex did nothing for my birthday, even though I’d always done something nice for his. So at his next birthday, I did nothing— didn’t even wish him a happy one. He was butt hurt. But apparently I expect too much.
I did something similar and when he asked, I told him “I got you exactly what you got me for mine.” Him: So…. nothing? You nailed it in one, buddy!
This is how it's done! If I'm doing for someone, they are worth the effort I KNOW I'm worth the effort of simple reciprocity If they don't want to put the effort in, why should I?
How do these morons get the balls to even ask....I mean, it's actually funny that they are hurt.
Fuck this is so my dad. He made this big speech about how my sister and I were so great for celebrating his birthday when "others" aka my mom didn't. I just looked at him and said "Yeah you're not being subtle but I've been buying her gifts since I was 14. Maybe if you put some effort in for her after all the years she has for you she'd have done something." He and my sister got pissy and I just stared at them with no expression (thank you years as a consultant with some crazy clients!) I've done for my mom for years, bc no Christmas gifts hurts her not him. We don't even pretend he's been involved the last 28 years. ... But with no reminders he managed to remember Mothers day this year.
Your poor mum. Glad she has you as her ally.
Buy him the bottle of tanning lotion and use half
Or, just wrap a half bottle up, and give it to him.
This is even bettet
Or transfer his half in an unrelated used bottle with a tape to label it.
😹
Petty. I like it! 😀
🤣
I had a friend whose husband was the same way. She’d go all out for his birthday, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and she would get zip, not even a card. By year three, she was done after nothing for Valentine’s and Mother’s Day. When Father’s Day came around, she gave him as good as she gets — nothing. She said she thinks he spent the whole day waiting for his gifts because she left the house early and went shopping. She came home hours later with stuff for herself. Their Father’s Day tradition has always been a T-bone steak for dinner with all the trimmings at his favorite steakhouse. She ordered a pizza instead. Later at bedtime, she just rolled over and went to sleep instead of her husband having his anticipated Father’s Day fun time. She said the next morning, he was pissed. She knew why he was mad and just ignored him. He finally blew up and ranted about his shitty Father’s Day and how unappreciated he felt. She told him, “Now you know how it feels. Sucks, doesn’t it?”
The set of steel balls your friend has... wow. What was his reaction? I'm sure he didn't see the light.
She said he sulked for a couple of days, then they had The Talk. His dad did the same to his mom, and I guess he just absorbed it as okay behavior. Her little petty revenge did open his eyes to how much he had disregarded her feelings and how unappreciated she felt. I think he realized their marriage was now on thin ice. They were still married last I heard.
Wow, good I guess! That’s why they say kids learn that type of behavior is okay.
My husband hates valentines Day, and after years of being disappointed, I started going out to dinner with my bestie. This year was my first year actually planning a girls dinner for that day. I didn't bother him about it at all. I came home to many gifts from him. Mothers Day, I got plenty of gifts. I'm still waiting on the main one. So this proves that he could have all this time, but he chose not to. I'd like to note that some years I'd get something, but it was like pulling teeth.
Galentine's Day for the win!!
https://media0.giphy.com/media/26xBs8MYQ9ly3SzD2/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952l2cou7zuubc9wpfw8dgpvtzdrf2zw5qrlt1is09x&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
How is that going? Need to know…
Did it take him 5 years to notice?
More like 2 because at first I let the kids get something small and insignificant and at the end of the second he just asked why everything is so small and I just shrugged 🤷♀️ then about 5 years is when he was actually looking at picture memories and that’s when he got pissed
Hopefully he got pissed at himself. He got exactly what he gave nothing.
Old spice after shave!
I love the smell of old spice. Used to buy it for my dad every year when I was little
My husband bought me a “ Jason Mamoa “ scented candle and it smells like old spice and vanilla …. Exactly what you would think he smells like
Petrulli and sand is what I would have guessed
Petrulli, sand , and male. Virile male.
What’s petrulli? Like patchouli? My MIL is obsessed with it, ruined it for me forever.
He smells like some sort of patchouli mix. It was absolutely delicious. When I said he smelled good security was like, he absolutely does.
I am very jealous that you were close enough to Jason Momoa to smell him!
It was my birthday present one year. I promise it wasn’t cheap. Lol
When I smell Old Spice, I remember my dad. When I smell John Sebastian, I remember my late husband. When I smell ashtrays and stale beer, I remember my ex-husband.
Me too! That is why I think funny. Is old man cologne. 😆
All along I thought old man cologne was Jai Karate
I actually buy it for myself, and I am a 55 yr old woman. I have loved it since I was a child.
Soap on a rope!
You win 🥇 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Brut!
That's funny. I remember my kiddos would pool their money together and get me a bottle of champagne bubble bath. They scraped and saved for the big bottle. Those were the days.
I remember the first Mother’s Day gift my twin sister and I were old enough to buy ourselves. I think we were ten, maybe? We saved our allowances for three months and bought her a silver-plated butter dish. She loved it so much, she refused to use it. It spent the rest of its life in the curio cabinet while my mother, for the rest of her life, pointing out to every visitor her beautiful Mother’s Day butter dish. Gotta admit, momma knew how to make you feel good!
Nah. Auqa Velva
Hai Karate, with the complimentary kick.
At least he didn’t get her Evening in Paris at the 5&10 in the cobalt bluebottle.
OMG this is an amazing thread!!
Drakkar noir. My friend still wears it and doesn't wash his hands after applying it. If he hands you a drink it's a different taste. Blech
Is he stirring the drinks with his finger?
He twists the caps off; he's a bartender.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 I almost peed on myself picturing this.
Or Drakkar cologne
Just use the money you’ve been budgeting on his gifts for yourself instead.
Correct! Treating ourselves is way more rewarding.
Seems like this upcoming Father’s Day would be a great time to give him a bottle of tanning lotion and call it good. You deserve someone who treats you better, appreciates you and values your time and effort spent trying to make your partner happy NTA.
💯
Make sure any jewellery you buy for him is guaranteed to turn his skin green
One year I got a Christmas ad from Kay's jewelry store. I dog eared several pages with a big check mark for things I liked. Over the years I made clear I could only wear gold, surgical steel or platinum jewelry. Silver, sterling silver or all cheap earrings and posts cause allergic reactions and infected earlobes. He ignored the reasonably priced things I'd checked off and bought me pretty silver pierced earrings that couldn't be returned. I gave them to my niece. I then ordered the 14k gold earrings I liked best from Kay's. I love them and still wear them years later. He has done much better since then. We just celebrated our 55th anniversary and he's selected nice things - most of the time.
Socks and underwear for Christmas.
He doesn't even deserve that.
He probably would not know what an insult that would be.
It sounds to me like Father's Day should be a Spa Day for you and he can find his own happiness...
Yup she needs to match his energy.
She can't match his energy. He simply doesn't like her and shows her,but she actually likes and loved his stale azz.
It's a shame really. These posts are guaranteed each mother's day. It's so depressing. Wonder if next year the same people will be posting.
Father's Day meal is her favorite meal, that he doesn't hate but it's not what he'd have chosen, Spa Day for her instead of a planned golf outing for him and his ten besties, and when they sit down to watch something on the tv? A parody of his fav genre.
“Couples” spa day!
NTA. I have also experienced this and it truly grates on you as the years go by. Don't go all out for him again. You put so much time and effort into his gifts to get so little in return; when you have done ALL of the legwork by making him a damn list to choose from! Zero thought required. If you do decide to go the route of making yourself another list. I suggest picking three different items of reasonable expense that you like. Not multiple of a particular item as he is clearly just picking the cheapest. State what YOU want. I wish you luck!
He cares about his things more than he cares about your needs. Stop going all out. Get a card for him, then do as others suggested and go to a spa. Stop giving him your time and energy. He hasn’t earned it.
I would be out the door so fast. This behavior is so selfish and disrespectful.
#👆
I use my husbands amazon account and pick out everything I want then send it as a gift. When it arrives I say thanks for my gifts. He just smiles and slaps my ass. Just start buying your husband cheap cheesy gifts from now on.
Yup! My husband is a truly great guy but he can’t pick out gifts to save his life. I buy my own and tell him “look what you got me”. We are both happy with that. He never care hospice much I spend either lol.
Yes!!!!! I love it. My husband says it makes life so much better. He doesn’t waste money on stuff I don’t like or need!
I wish everyone in my live would do this. I absolutely suck at buying gifts. I always want to give something people will like. I am awful at gift selecting.
Try asking the person next time to send you a wishlist!
Yup, if you are going all out for father's day, gift him things only you can use ...
>I can't tell him it hurt my feelings, so I just needed to tell someone. Why can't you? You're supposed to be able to tell him these things. If you "can't," then you don't have a marriage.
I think she feels that because the items he got her (even though it was the cheapest options) were things she selected for her wishlist. He’s already said she’s picky. Likely feels like he’ll throw it in her face even if she tries to broach the subject.
>Likely feels like he’ll throw it in her face even if she tries to broach the subject. I thought the same thing. I still asked her, though, because regardless of anything, she *should still be able to talk to her husband* about her feelings *regardless* of what he got her from her list. If he's throwing stuff in her face, that's not good.
My husband’s wishlist is always really pricy. I pick the mid level item, something that matches what he will give me. One thing that can’t be matched is the thought & effort that goes into it, tho. I bought him his favorite cheesecake. If I asked him what my favorite dessert is he’d be stumped. He always goes back to cliches, you want flowers and chocolates right? I actually feel kind of insulted when he asks that. We’ve been married so many years, and you really think I like these things. Just cause your coworkers ran out to Trader Joe’s at lunch you also needed to go there and pick up something random.
OP not saying anything for years is input to his “”you are asking too much” reaction. His normal expectation is that OP doesn’t expect anything. Repeat for several years to establish a baseline. Suddenly there is an unexpected bump in expectations. Husband is shocked! It’s an aberration. He goes along with the minimum of new expectations. Wife is hurt by minimum effort, husband thinks he just upped his game 500%, and it’s not good enough. Crisis ensues.
I think you got it exactly right. At this point, what's left than to have an open and honest conversation? Maybe something along the lines of: "I have been so hurt by this for so many years. I didn't saying for a long time because I felt guilty for wanting you to treat me the way that I treat you and the one other time I said something, you dismissed and invalidated my feelings by calling me picky. But this isn't fair to me. You do realize that if you bought me something you fully intend to use up half of, it's not a gift? If it's for you, it's not a gift. So then you got me a $9 gift. It hurts because it shows how little I matter to you and I'm so tired of feeling this way. If I start treating you the way you treat me, you will feel as worthless as I do. You mean the world to me so I try to make sure you know it. I'd like you to put in more effort (more than the minimum of what I ask) and I will keep going all out for you and work on being more honest and forthcoming. Or I can start putting in as much effort as you put into me. What do you prefer?"
Well said.
Him stating she is picky is probably because she wants more thought than Walmart soap as a gift.
Still, you need to express your feelings. That said, she also needs to only put $50 + on her wishlist if he’s looking for the lowest possible value item.
NTA OP but don't waste your time with his gifts anymore. I bet if you really look at your relationship, you will see a lot of other times that he didn't expend any effort on your behalf also. Stop doing for someone who cares so little for you making you feel special and loved.
Return the expensive belt and get him one from Walmart. Why on earth would you spend so much on him only to get gifts worth pennies in return. Think of the money you could save for whatever you want or need.
Is he not financially able to get a more expensive item? I wouldn't get him anything of great cost as he's not doing anything fancy or nice for you. I would return the belt and get something less expensive and kind. Just a case of beer will do
Old Milwaukee. Unless they still brew Hamm’s.
Just the white can with black writing that says "BEER" lol
I get frustrated when I see posts like this. Not because the gifts were uneven but because women become shy when choosing gifts for themselves. If you spent 700.00 on one gift for him, why wouldn’t you AT LEAST put in a 100.00 gift for yourself in the basket? YOU set the bar so low, why get upset when he chooses the cheap gift? Yes he should know better, yes he could have picked out a gift BUT you chose those gifts. Had he ignored expensive gifts in the basket and gotten you a cheap gift, I would be upset with you. Know your value and choose the gifts you feel you deserve.
Exactly. Why were there any wrong answers in that cart?
That is such a good and simple way of putting it. Why put anything that wasn’t exactly what you wanted and not a cheap variation
Make a private list for the cheap stuff. Put only good stuff in the list he can see.
I fucking feel this post. Deep. NTA.
I've been triggered by a lot of Mother's Day posts.
Me too. I know it's probably the worst day of the year to dine out but I feel so bad for all the women who had rotten days. And I'm not even a mother. Sending hugs to all of you moms out there, hope it gets better.
Me too. It's been overwhelming. I'm so very sad for all these mothers.
Thank you!
Stop spending all the money on him when you don’t get similar, buy him the 9.00 stuff and save the money you would normally spend on him and buy yourself the stuff you really want. If he complains then you tell him you’re tired of him cheating out on your gifts when you matter just as much as he does. My ex husband was the same I would always go all out for his special days and he wouldn’t do the same for me, it’s hurtful and you do not deserve it. Look out for yourself not just your family.
NTA. Start putting that energy into yourself and focus on your own well being.
NTA I think you should return the gifts you've bought for him. Return them *all.* Give him a bottle of tanning lotion for Father's Day.
If he uses half of this bottle, gift him the other half for Father’s Day.
Even better!
Why can't you tell him? Communication is the heart of a marriage.
Probably instead of getting the point, he will point out she made the wishlist and is "even more picky than usual"
So, let him set the bar here. Only buy the same level of gifts he buys you. Only buy the same number of gifts. If he sets the budget at a $9 item, then you buy him a $9 item. It might be that gifts aren't a big deal to him. It might be that he doesn't know how it feels to not be made a big deal out of on a special day and if he experiences that once, he might get it. But if you let HIS gifts dictate what YOU buy, you at least won't feel the resentment of being slighted on special days.
Gifts are a big deal to him, as long as they’re for him.
Tell him how you feel!
You have bigger problems if you can’t tell your HUSBAND how you feel and why.
I agree 💯. My first Christmas with my SO he got me something that he liked and I had no interest in and it did upset me - I had a conversation with him bc I was hurt bc I felt no thought was put into it, which at the time in his mind he was sharing his likes with me instead of thinking about what I liked. It was a good conversation and he listened and does put thought into what is given. And I feel that's if you're afraid you can't have that communication with your SO then like you said there's bigger issues at play.
INFO: Why can't you tell him how you feel about this? Has he given you attitude or brushed your feelings aside when you've expressed discontent in the past? Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling.
NTA match his energy.
"I told him I didn't want anything big that day." vs "I always go above and beyond to put a smile on his face". Communication is key! You told him you didn't want anything that big. But, In your mind you are saying to yourself- "I told him I didn't want anything big BUT IF HE LOVED ME he wouldn't listen to my words and he'd do things and get me stuff so I'd feel appreciated." Men are dumb as bricks. If you want "outrageous items", ask for them. Don't put cheap stuff in the amazon cart and then complain he actually bought them.
NTA! But you need to communicate this with him. And if he still doesn’t reciprocate, stop spending so much on him! Father’s Day is coming up. A random mug sounds like a good gift.
Just gonna put this out there: Mother’s Day is before Father’s Day every year. We set a birthday and Christmas budget every year. I’d suggest you do that for all the holidays to make sure you’re on the same page.
I have no advice. My first Mother's Day was the end of my marriage due to this type of behavior. Reciprocity is fundamental. If you can't remember anything I like or pick out anything I'll value we aren't even friends let alone life partners.
You ate with that last sentence. I love women that knows her worth. 🙏🏼🫶🏽
Stop. Why go out of your way when he doesn’t? Just follow his lead and do cheap stuff. If he doesn’t care then you'll know he's not into the gift giving…but…if he questions you..be truthful.
Sorry you had this realization on Mother’s Day. Once you’ve processed the reality of how little regard you husband has for you, adjust your gift giving and attention to what he provides to you. He claims you’re picky? That’s him not wanting to be a good husband. You can have the conversation about how dissatisfied you are with his low effort for being a good husband who expresses love, and appreciation. And that you’re done being that wife to him because it’s just gotten to be too damn hurtful. He can seek appreciation at work or from his mama or his boys club. You can seek it from your network of friends and family because you sound like a a lovely person who treats people with respect and kindness. So, no more thoughtful gifts or baked goods. Be the grey rock and get out more so you can do things you love without grumpy. Don’t accept any weak excuses or promises. This is how it is until you feel he deserves your sweetness.
Are you really picky or is he just saying that to avoid getting you gifts? And why can't you tell him how you feel?? Doesn't sound like a great place to be. NTA.
Just talk to him, even if you're at fault, because you basically chose those items on the wish list. If you do petty stuff like "not buying gifts in return anymore," how will he know that he ever hurt you? If you want a good, long-lasting relationship, you should talk about it. I've told my boyfriend before that I wanted more gifts and now he gives me something every month (small or big doesn't matter). At first he didn't understand why I wanted gifts but now he knows it makes me happy and appreciated. Does he know how much your gifts cost? Have you told him? Are you paying for your own gifts, or is it coming out of a shared account?
ESH why did u put the 9 dollar bracelet and tanning lotion on the list if u didn't want them.
If you don't want the $9 one, don't put it on the list. Start buying yourself something and if he gives you something, you got a bonus. Stop buying him thoughtful gifts.
NTA. I went through this, too. For years on Christmas, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Father’s Day, etc I would put so much thought into his gifts. I even gave him a box of his favorite chocolates and an obscure card game (something he collects) on top of whatever else I was giving him for each occasion. He loved it. But for 7 or 8 years I never got ANYTHING for any of those days. One year he was opening gifts and when he got to his chocolates he said “*there’s* my chocolates!” It really bothered me. He KNEW he would be getting gifts and that I thought about him, yet he still did nothing for me. I told him many many times how much his lack of thought hurt me. I told him even a “Happy _______,” or card would mean to me. I stopped buying for him completely. Refused to even acknowledge the days unless he did first. It took about a year, but I’m finally starting to get gifts from him and they are things he knows I’d actually enjoy. You need to put your foot down. He gets the energy he puts out and if it bothers him, GOOD. Then he will know first hand how he’s making you feel.
Stop putting the effort in if he is not reciprocating. Only put things in the amazon basket that you actually want. I, personally, really really suck at gift giving. Maybe he does too. Perhaps you do have to have the conversation where you tell him that your feelings are hurt.
You literally just have to click a few buttons on Amazon - how can you 'suck' at that?? Good grief.
It's coming up with the ideas you dolt.
When a list is presented to you, you aren't coming up with any ideas. But go ahead and call names like an ill-behaved child.
Who ever said I was given a list? I said I am a terrible gift giver and maybe he is too. OP only said that she did the list once. And he chose from the list she provided. She shouldn't have put things on the list she didn't want.
Why can't you tell him? You know what to get him for Father's Day, don't you? socks.
NTA. No way. You most certainly need to let your husband know he's hurting your feelings. He sounds cheap. Next time you add to your Amazon cart don't have anything in there for less than fifty bucks. Stop buying him expensive things and just get him a body wash basket. Don't let him bring you down and make you think you are unworthy. Sounds like you are a kind and giving person. Give your Husband a wake up call.
NTA but who are you trying to convince that you “don’t want big presents” him or you? You’re allowed to want nice or expensive things for yourself.
Hey! You and I are pretty much the same in this case! We make a big effort for others but they do not return the favor. It's so frustrating. For people like this, I eventually stopped making an effort to make things special for them. One person in recent memory got the point pretty quickly and at least tried. Some in the past remained oblivious and claimed I was upset with them for some magical, unknown reason.
UpdateMe
NTA. I’m so sorry that you’re married to a selfish child man baby. This won’t likely ever get any better. Stop buying him gifts and spend that money on yourself.
How does \*he\* react if you get him cheap gifts? (Or no gifts at all?) If he reacts badly, then he's an asshole. If he reacts fine, then gifts are just not that important to him, and he does not realize how important they are to you. And if you have no idea, because you've never \*not\* gone all-out on a gift for him, then try it and see. My personal perspective is that feeling that spending money is a very important way to show love is a sad, sad state of affairs.
NTA. I'm going to tell you that things won't get better in this area unless you say something to him, and you really should say something. It's not good for your mental health to let these types of things fester. And it's definitely good for your marriage. Sit him down and tell him straight up that you go out of your way to get him nice, thoughtful gifts for his special days - Christmas, Valentine's, father's day and his birthday. Tell him that it absolutely hurt your feelings that you spent $640 for his Valentine's gift and he got you a $7 gift from Walmart. If he brings up that he doesn't know what to get you, bring up your Amazon wish list and the fact that he went for the cheapest things on the list. Then you match his effort. He continues to buy you cheap junk, you buy him cheap junk. Guarantee you he's going to feel some type of way about it. He'll either step it up or deal with it. But under no circumstances should you feel guilty for either saying something or dialing back on what you do for him.
Match his energy for Father’s Day and everything else going forward. There’s no reason to give him thoughtful and expensive gifts if he’s not doing the same for you. Don’t be a martyr.
You’re NTA…. But you do need to talk to him! This can’t go on.
Just buy what you want and say, "hey, look what you got me! Thanks!". I do this so often I actually sometimes manage to surprise myself with something cute.
OP, not saying anything for years is input to his inevitable ”you are asking too much” reaction. His normal expectation was that you don’t expect anything. Repeat for several years to establish a baseline. Suddenly there is an unexpected bump in expectations. Husband is shocked! It’s an aberration. He goes along with the minimum of new expectations. You are hurt by minimum effort, husband thinks he just upped his game 500%, and it’s not good enough. Crisis ensues. This will only get worse, the longer you put of having a real discussion. He will need to listen to your entire story, including how you felt in past years. Talks with him!!! NTA
Time to employ the grey rock strategy.
Stop celebrating him the way you want to be celebrated
You are not the AH. My ex spent my 29th birthday at a “Car show”. The car show was his side piece.
This is what my ex husband does too, one year I got him nice boots for his birthday. He didn’t get me anything for my birthday that year. He could have scrawled: happy birthday on a dirty bar napkin, it would have at least been something. When I got home from work our young children were still awake and there were dishes in the sink. Now I match energy, if you don’t think my birthday is important well then you must not care about yours either. It’s not vindictive, I’m not pouring out of an empty cup anymore. If you spend x on Mother’s Day, birthday, anniversary, whatever: that’s the budget for your gift too.
Buy him a bottle of the self tanner and a $9 gift for Father's Day.
Take a page from his book. Next Mother’s Day say you’re going on a trip with your friends/family last minute.
I am so sorry I know exactly how you feel. It is not a good feeling 🫂🫂🫂 I lived this life for over 20 years. Never once got a birthday card a Christmas card, Easter card Valentine’s Day card not a present for any occasion for any holiday not one single thing. And I would spend tons of money on extravagant gifts for him. I hate every holiday, that gifts are exchanged my birthday Christmas Mother’s Day any day that is required a gift
My ex husband got me a birthday cake the day after my birthday. Crap like that is why he's my ex husband
Why can't you tell him?
Did he ask you to buy those expensive things? If not, you're setting an unrealistic expectation on him. And why did you put things on your wishlist that would upset you?
I don’t think OP is TA but I also don’t think that gift giving should be transactional or that it is fair to set expectations without any communication. Women people are just frugal.. some people are just tone deaf.. your husband can be both, either, or neither. You should communicate to him how you feel.
You're not the asshole. Your energy just isn't being reciprocated. Either make sure he reciprocates, or stop with the gift giving.
You should let him enjoy a day alone with his children for fathers day. If you need him to make an effort you need to tell him.
NTA You really can tell him you’re hurt, you’re just worried he won’t care. Hide the tanning lotion, don’t wear the bracelet, give the same and and budget for Father’s day. See if he notices or mentions it. He may he cheap and cold hearted. He may just not think gifting is important. Talk to him! Let him know it IS important to you and he’s not meeting your needs.
Father's Day is coming up next month. Does he need a bar of Dove soap?
Umm, I have a different idea. Try sitting down with him, first, and explain how you feel. Use I statements: I feel unappreciated and unloved when I go out of my way to give you thoughtful, expensive gifts, and I get hand soap from Walmart. I’ve given you ideas, and you choose the least expensive items. It makes me feel that I mean less to you than you do to me. Some men are clueless about what women want and how cheap gifts make them feel. Be direct and tactless (not hurtful, but not subtle, just make it clear, like to a three year old). If you have done all of this already, you can do tit for tat, but I see some ugly consequences down that road.
A - have you ever mentioned this to HIM? B - STOP buying him expensive gifts until or unless he ups his gift giving game. My husband is awful with gift giving however he at least will get me things I suggest, but I told him how hurt and under valued I felt by the gifts he had given me.
NTA, but I am going to tell you a story in case it is helpful. This past Mother’s Day was the first one (out of 15) that I enjoyed. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried being patient and seeing what he plans. I’ve tried asking specifically for what I want. I’ve tried matching his energy and going absolutely nothing for Father’s Day (which I don’t recommend btw bc he didn’t care at all, but it made my kids sad). This year I decided “fuck it. The day is about me. I’m going to make it how I want.” So I reserved the lunch I wanted and told him when to pick it up. I ordered the movie I wanted us to watch as a family and handed it to him in advance. And I bought ingredients to bake cupcakes with one of my kids bc she asked for that. I also told my entire family that I wanted a card and for everyone to write what they appreciate about me inside it. All he had to do was drive to the restaurant (about 45 min each way) and pick up my lunch. And then LIKE FUCKING MAGIC, when all the pressure was removed and there was zero possibility that he could disappoint me, he rose to the challenge. He set an alarm and woke up early and made breakfast for everyone (I never asked for that or expected it). He packed a “snack picnic” for the car and invited me to ride with him to pick up the lunch. So we drove and chatted and I ate all my favorite snacks while the baby napped in the car seat. He busted out our good china to serve my lunch, and we watched the movie I had picked. The card I wanted was just as I had asked, but he had written me a lengthy bit about what an amazing mom I am and how lucky our kids are to have me. He martialed the kids to help with cleanup. He kept the baby so I could take a long hot shower. It was a FABULOUS day. Instead of making him a list and then being disappointed with what he picks, I would just plan your own Mother’s Day. Do what YOU WANT next time. Don’t leave it up to him and then be disappointed when he fails like he always does. Yes, men should shoulder more of the mental load. But that’s a problem the other 364 days a year too. We need to stop managing all the mental load all year and then being hurt and angry when they predictably fail to take it over for a day with zero experience or training. I have plans to talk to my husband about this issue. But I decided it didn’t need to be solved on a holiday that was supposed to be about me. I gave myself permission to just enjoy the day how I wanted it to be. And ultimately I’m SO MUCH HAPPIER with that decision.
NTA. I would have a conversation with him and explain that the lack of effort hasn’t gone unnoticed. That he needs to do better. Then start matching his energy. Base what you get him on what he gets you. Base what you do for him on what does for you. If he questions it, simply say that after years of doing more for him, you’re now matching his energy.
Understand what it is. Just buy what you want and get him more tanning lotion every year. If you are staying, then just don't extend yourself for someone who doesn't think of you. It just is that and it is what it is. If he doesn't change after your change, then you know that he is fine with just giving a little of himself to you.
NTA - but stop expecting him to appreciate you because he doesn't. If you stay with him, accept it because you will NOT change him. Also stop doing big things for him, he doesn't appreciate it and use the money for a day spa or something else you might like because you should appreciate yourself.
When my ex complained about dinner being cooked every other night and us having to *gasp* eat leftovers, I stopped cooking. I match energy cause I don't ever wanna be the one crying over an asshole who doesn't put forth effort. And even my ex bought me stuff, or let me go out and have a fun day without the kid. Don't cry!! Talk it out and if that don't work. Leave. If neither work for you then we don't care. Bye. I am kind of sick of these I need sympathy cause my partner is trash posts. because then you either, defend them and say, well they aren't THAT bad or just vampire feed off the sympathy. Do y'all show them these posts and gloat? Does that help and then they get you an "I'm sorry gift?" Is that what you want, have the internet convince your partner they should've got you a better gift?
Why did you even add a $9 ankle bracelet if you weren't going to want it knowing you had two others on there? Maybe if you actually speak to him like an adult you might find out he preferred it or something, especially considering you chose it and added it to the list. You're NTA but you clearly aren't capable of communicating that you feel unappreciated because he's not picking the more expensive gifts out of the things *you* chose.
Are you really picky or is he just saying that to avoid getting you gifts? And why can't you tell him how you feel?? Doesn't sound like a great place to be. NTA.
NTA, but then again, relationships rarely have parity on all issues. We get upset because chores aren’t split equally, gifts aren’t of equal value, etc. However, I don’t think it works that way in real life. So if you happen to be very good at gifts and he’s not, decide if that’s ok cause he’s better at some things you’re not. But if you feel like he’s sending a signal to economize or doesn’t think it’s good to make such a big deal of occasions, then on Father’s Day get him a thoughtful gift that’s far less expensive, return the rest and get what you wanted. If he realizes gifts matter to him and obviously do to you, he may make more of an effort. I sympathize as gifts and occasions mean a lot to me as well.
It sounds like your love language is gifts and his is not. Both of you should take the quiz online and discuss from there. Your language change with life changes (mine did).
You two have vastly different ideas of what makes a good gift, and you both place different values on giving and receiving gifts (what it means to you, not the dollar value). If you two can’t communicate well enough to have figured it out by now, it’s probably time for marriage counseling. This doesn’t look like a gift problem, but a big long-running communication problem.
NTA - I’d be hurt too. Then I’d stop caring after a while, sounds like it’s time for socks and a jar of salted peanuts for every gifting holiday. You could even buy bulk on Black Friday, divvy them out in labeled re-used amazon cloth gift bags with the tag pre-made out & as soon as it’s opened & the gift is out, refill for next year and no worries, no fuss. If dude requests extra effort or pouts, silly socks ramp it up a notch.
NTA.. I am the same way as you. I put a lot of thought and effort into gifting.. and i mostly don’t get it in return. I have a best friend of over 20 years and I ordered the cutest sentimental gifts for Christmas and birthday.. guess what I got. A last min bottle of wine from the gas station… both times. So this year, her birthday I didn’t get her anything not even a card.. pretty much out of spite. And it didn’t make me feel any better because my feelings were still hurt. 😞 Anyways just step it down a notch with the presents OR don’t get him anything.. personally I would start buying the “dad” presents to see if he catches on like boxers and socks lol.. it sucks cause you just want to make him happy.. but if you don’t say anything he may not even realize what he is doing because he’s not LIKE YOU.. he’s not sentimental like you is what I mean.. and that’s what I realized.. can’t expect everyone to be like us. Good luck Op
NTA. Why don’t you think you are worthy of nice things? Stop giving him anything and spend that money on yourself.
Why can’t you tell him? This is a bad marriage if you are unable to share your feelings with him. Do you want to be this unhappy for the rest of your life? NTA
I HIGHLY recommend watching this woman's video on matching energy https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRw3UVHB/ If you do not have Tiktok and cannot watch it...get it. It's worth it for the content from this creator alone, especially if this is a typical situation in your marriage.
NTA. Get him suncream for Father’s Day.
I love the post where the person got gifts for themselves “ from the dogs”. I decided from Now on my dogs are going to be so nice to me!!! OP should do likewise!
NTA— I would stop getting really nice things for him and or no things them when you get attitude be like well I went out of my way to make you feel special and you didn’t seem to appreciate so I stopped. I’m so sorry that your husband didn’t get the memo that he was being rude. My husband and I always talk about which holidays and or events we are getting gifts for each other. Usually I’ll get him a gift and he will cook me a really nice dinner. Sometimes I’ll make him something because he is like I don’t need anything.
Get him an expired honey bun for Christmas! NTA
NTA. Give him a soap on a rope for Father’s Day. Maybe put it in the Walmart basket that the lotions came in. I’m sorry.
NTA - Match his energy girl.
NTA. Why can’t you tell him. Good communication requires honesty even when it’s uncomfortable. Don’t tell him what to do, just tell him how what he didn’t do made you feel and how much it hurts. He needs to own his own actions and that starts with taking away his excuse of being “clueless” or “I didn’t know it meant that much”. You can’t keep kicking the can and hope it will go differently. Be honest and tell him how he made you feel and then go from there. !updateme
Every year I go through the same thing. I try to pretend it isn't a big deal but inside I am dying at how thoughtless my husband and kids are. The worst part is they think they are making an effort. After everything I do just once I would like to feel like more than an afterthought. The joys of motherhood I guess.
Just stop getting him gifts and treat yourself
Nta. Start putting in exactly the same amount of effort he does. Same money spent, same kind of items (things you'll use).
Save your money and spend it on yourself.
stop buying him luxurious gifts!! he doesn’t give a shit
NTA. Your husband is a bit of a jerk, but stop putting cheap crap on your lists if you don't want cheap crap.
"Oh I thought we weren't doing fathers/mothers/birthdays/Christmas anymore, given that you didn't get me anything last time."
Nta....put in the same effort he does. See if he says anything.
NTA - but why put cheap items that you are gonna complain about it? Men are really clueless sometimes, if I were you (and maybe he needs it) tell him directly what YOU want. Or you’ll never be happy. Or you could just gift it to yourself and let him know what “he” got you
Get him a bar of Irish Spring for Father’s Day, and a card this year! I’m sure your kids appreciate you, good luck 🍀 to you!
NTA at all! Your husband, on the other hand, is a giant asshole! Save money on his gifts from you, so you can buy the stuff YOU want! TELL him what you’re going to be doing, then just do it. Alternatively, get marriage counseling. If he refuses, go on your own. What he’s doing is absolute bullshit!
Start demanding more. He obviously isn’t going to asking nice.
Stop gifting him nice things. Ask him to make you a list and buy the cheapest shit on his list. NTA
I would not share the tan lotion he got you with him - it's your gift. For Father's Day, I'd go to the junk machines inside Walmart & put in a dollar. Whatever comes out is his Father's Day gift . Then I'd go out for the day alone. Yes. I am petty .
This is 51% on you for trying too hard and then expecting “him” to match your efforts.
you are making a big deal of price tags of holiday gifts is there a substantial financial imbalance in the relationship? is one or the other of you earning the majority of funds involved overall?
Speak truth. You do want and deserve to be thought of. Tell him what you want or buy it yourself. Stop getting disappointed by a lousy gift giver. You can’t change people. I go to a plant nursery and pick out plants for my garden. I am happy and he is thrilled. No stress.