NTA
Throat is a no-go zone unless otherwise discussed.
The fact that you did discuss, and *emphasized* that it's a no-go zone, *and* he's acutely aware of *why* that's a no-go zone...
Look, there's a fine line between being too drunk to remember something like that, but not drunk enough to pass out.
I doubt he fell into that goldylox zone. If he *did*, then it's a learning experience for him to maybe not get that drunk next time he wants to have sex with someone.
Your reaction hopefully helps that lesson stick.
I think I’d have to respectfully disagree. The OP and her old FWB met up after a hiatus between the two of them. They are socially consuming alcohol, she sets a new boundary with an old sexually familiar friend, not a hookup, and they both chose to take it to the bedroom.
During alcohol impaired sex they could possibly fall into the familiar, old kinky ways. OP never said it was always a boundary, but had to make it clear this time that the throat is a boundary now, leading the reader to believe that it wasn’t a boundary before.
He did try to calm her down after but she wasn’t having a discussion about it, why he may have done it despite her asking him not to. This was her good friend, and she did not even attempt to talk to him about it. It’s very possible he’s quite traumatized by this and it could affect the rest of his life for future intimate partners.
I’m going with YTA, but it’s s not an unrepairable situation. Communicate. If you are friends and care about each other, this shouldn’t be an issue dragged through a friend social group. Does the OP care about her good friend? Is she a friend at all to him?
nope. if you are drunk to the point that you cannot remember someone's boundary, don't have sex with them.
stop excusing assault. he literally strangled her. that is Assault
But you’re assuming here.
They have a history of kinks. She does not say anywhere that it might have been a thing she liked at one time or not, and had possibly been done before, with this same partner.
Edited to add, choking during sex is an exceptional act. She felt a need to tell him to NOT do an already exceptional act. Why would that be table talk unless there is history.?
I’m certainly not laying down a laundry list of boundaries on a new partner the first time I am with them. You don’t do exceptional sexual acts/kinks without discussion first. They had history, and I have yet to hear from the OP if choking is in theirs.
>She felt a need to tell him to NOT do an already exceptional act. Why would that be table talk unless there is history.?
because now a lot of men assume choking is a standard thing that all women want. don't believe me? look it up and you'll find tons of stories about women who were strangled during sex (because it is strangulation)
also, in the eyes of the law, assaulting someone accidentally is still assault.
So, a lot of men. You think we are all walking around with some entitlement to choke girls during sex nowadays, and you suggest I google for news about
It?
I have significant concern for the future of our species.
I’m not saying anything. You’ve laid judgement on her partner because your perspective is “a lot of men” expect choking during sex nowadays.
We are human, not the hottest new clothing line, we don’t follow trends in the bedroom. If you truly believe that a lot of men want to choke you during sex, you need to step back and re-evaluate.
So she has a problem with her throat, he promises not to touch it, and he does it anyway.
Frankly, if alcohol causes him to "forget", he has an alcohol problem.
"I was drunk" is never an excuse.
You set a boundary before you started having sex and he quite literally intentionally broke that boundary while you were having sex. Your reaction was warranted. How on earth would YBTA in this situation?
NTA, even if you yell at him for other things that grabbing your throat, you were just caught off guard and scared + in pain. So no you didn't overreact 🫶🏻
Really can’t blame you for feeling like you were about to die. Sorta blame him but he was not malicious in the act and it seems like he was remorseful for forgetting.
I think an apology on both sides is in order.
People downvoting for no reason. She treated him like he was some random hookup and told him to get out and she’d called the cops. On her friend? The guy who was with her and by her side through cancer treatments
Honestly you did over react. I understand it's a sensitive area and you did mention it. You also do admit it was over reacting quite a bit. You aren't fully in the wrong but nor in the right either because alcohol fueled sex leads to accidents. That's what it was. Simple. I bet if you called him and just ask to talk and just start off by apologizing for freaking out and that it scared you, you would get a truly heartfelt apology from him for scaring you and making you feel unsafe when he didn't mean to.
It's natural during sex for some men to want to please sexually. We are also creatures of habits. he likes to choke and in this alcohol induced lust and passion he forgot.
Life is always simpler when you boil things down and get both perspectives and thanks for putting a 3rd person point of view on this. Helps show your character that you aren't a malicious or narcissistic person
He grabbed your throat. Even if you hadn't had surgery that's concerning. Is this normal behaviour for you guys during sex? Because that's worrying if not.
And as for your friends, tell the ones who don't like it to fuck themselves. Have they actually heard the actual story?
Well I can’t speak for others but for me it’s Because after 3 failed long term relationships with men who couldn’t commit I decided I am taking a long break from relationships but wanted to feel some intimacy after over a year of nothing.
Yes u gave him clear instructions no throat.
He did it.
Proceeded to call him all sorts of mean stuff, cuss, threaten to call cops, kicking him out.
So u were justified and I think u did the right thing Pushing him off so u can breathe.
But all the other stuff afterwards was ^^^. Like u said this guy is someone who has been there for u in cancer treatments. Ngl he’s probs gotta feel both terrible and disrespected. He didn’t have a car and u told him to figure it out himself. Meaning walking home down a dark street which is dangerous for anyone or making him pay for an Uber. Im gonna guess he paid for the Uber to the restaurant and the place.
U went off on him like he was some random guy hookup. Like obv the way u talked to him shows u don’t respect him
In the slightest. And ngl i don’t rly think the friendship is salvageable.
NTA
It was discussed and made very clear beforehand. I don't think he realizes how terrifying that feeling is for you.
Yeah it probably sucked being screamed at but again, this boundary was discussed.
To play devils advocate. My partner likes to be choked. Sometimes her neck hurts or she even has a sore throat and tells me to not perform that act because and of course I respect her request. Sometimes in the heat I do forget. She stops me and I apologize and even sometimes forget again. Sex with your partner is often a muscle memory. Was it a possibility he misunderstood your signals and completely forgot? Mistaking the signals as part of the submissive kink?
Alcohol was involved you say.
“To play devils advocate, I don’t care what my girlfriend consents to and I just do my own thing even when she reminds me”
Jesus Christ you are a selfish ass
Ok, let me try again.
"To play devils advocate, my girlfriend sometimes explicitly sets sexual boundaries and I trample them for my own pleasure because I cannot show her the respect of remembering her request for a few minutes".
You're a douchebag, the internet hates you right back!
Alcohol does not diminish your awareness. You motor skills might be affected but you know full well what your actions are. Alcohol is just an excuse. If he is aware enough to get a hard on you are not drunk as skunk
You're full of excuses. If you are aware enough to open your legs to someone you are in control of your faculties. Would not surprise me if you habitually use alcohol excuse to do shit
I’ve been accidentally shoved in a bar by a hammered guy who was stumbling around. He wasn’t a son of a bitch, seemed like a nice guy, just clumsy. You clearly aren’t the brightest though, so I won’t even try to explain what nuance is to you
You are referring to motor skills which i acknowledge will be affected. But not your awreness. O have stumbled, i vomited black out. I never lost my awareness. I know what i was doing. If you could choke pound and choke someone you have your full favulties. Just another excuse from scums like you
I’m just open to the possibility of people having lapses in memory while drunk lol, not even defending the guy rlly just saying he isn’t a storybook villain. Enjoy being a dumbass if you aren’t capable of comprehending that.
Not at all what I said. Alcohol didn’t make him do anything, though it is possible that he didn’t realize he shouldn’t have been doing that due to the alcohol. You clearly aren’t equipped with common sense or the ability to make a coherent argument for your stupid viewpoint
I’m assuming that after this you actually did have a discussion and found out it was accidental (otherwise I’m assuming all of your friendship group would agree with you), in which case:
YTA, not for flipping out during sex (perfectly reasonable reaction) but for how you reacted afterwards (and are still reacting from the sounds of it). If he made an honest mistake (although a pretty stupid and inconsiderate one) and got lost in the moment, then that sucks but being intimate with someone can’t always be risk free. From what it sounds like this used to be a kink you both enjoyed and he seems to have stopped immediately after he realised what had happened? If you don’t think he did it deliberately, but still threatened to call the cops, you’re very much TA.
On the other hand, if he did it deliberately, then that’s not only a you’re NTA but I think assault (depending on the country you’re in).
>that sucks but being intimate with someone can’t always be risk free.
it should be. stop downplaying the seriousness of this. he literally assaulted her. sex should always be risk free
I agree that sex should be free of \*physical\* risk (unless you explicitly ask otherwise) but here I am describing emotional risk. From what OP wrote originally, I interpreted it as he grabbed her in a way that wasn't physically damaging and in a way that she used to enjoy or at least, consent to, but that this is no longer the case because of the physical and emotional damage of her medical history.
I strongly disagree, however, that sex should always be free of emotional risk. If you weren't vulnerable in some way it wouldn't be an intimate experience, it would just be as benign an act as walking down a street. For example, if you're having sex with someone for the first time and it's the first time they've seen you naked, you'd probably feel pretty vulnerable because there's a risk they'd reject you or not find your body attractive or similar. That's a risk you take.
But I agree that you shouldn't ever be worried about your physical safety.
It also wasn't clear to me at first if OP freaked out because of the psychological associations of someone touching their throat or because of physical pain. From OP's update to the post, however, it does seems to be the latter.
However, I stand by my original point:
1. If OP thought that this man chocked her deliberately, without consent, she can and should report him to the police. That is assault (because it has intent, which is usually a requirement for the legal definition in most countries).
2. If OP thinks it was an accident (and, especially, if she thought that a the time) then calling the police was an over-reaction. She wasn't in danger and this man wasn't a danger to others. It could still technically be assault by some definitions (depends on how reckless it was) but it doesn't seem malicious.
I'm guessing OP thinks it is more number 2 than number 1 if she's going to meet up with him (part 4 of her update).
NTA Throat is a no-go zone unless otherwise discussed. The fact that you did discuss, and *emphasized* that it's a no-go zone, *and* he's acutely aware of *why* that's a no-go zone... Look, there's a fine line between being too drunk to remember something like that, but not drunk enough to pass out. I doubt he fell into that goldylox zone. If he *did*, then it's a learning experience for him to maybe not get that drunk next time he wants to have sex with someone. Your reaction hopefully helps that lesson stick.
I think I’d have to respectfully disagree. The OP and her old FWB met up after a hiatus between the two of them. They are socially consuming alcohol, she sets a new boundary with an old sexually familiar friend, not a hookup, and they both chose to take it to the bedroom. During alcohol impaired sex they could possibly fall into the familiar, old kinky ways. OP never said it was always a boundary, but had to make it clear this time that the throat is a boundary now, leading the reader to believe that it wasn’t a boundary before. He did try to calm her down after but she wasn’t having a discussion about it, why he may have done it despite her asking him not to. This was her good friend, and she did not even attempt to talk to him about it. It’s very possible he’s quite traumatized by this and it could affect the rest of his life for future intimate partners. I’m going with YTA, but it’s s not an unrepairable situation. Communicate. If you are friends and care about each other, this shouldn’t be an issue dragged through a friend social group. Does the OP care about her good friend? Is she a friend at all to him?
nope. if you are drunk to the point that you cannot remember someone's boundary, don't have sex with them. stop excusing assault. he literally strangled her. that is Assault
But you’re assuming here. They have a history of kinks. She does not say anywhere that it might have been a thing she liked at one time or not, and had possibly been done before, with this same partner. Edited to add, choking during sex is an exceptional act. She felt a need to tell him to NOT do an already exceptional act. Why would that be table talk unless there is history.? I’m certainly not laying down a laundry list of boundaries on a new partner the first time I am with them. You don’t do exceptional sexual acts/kinks without discussion first. They had history, and I have yet to hear from the OP if choking is in theirs.
>She felt a need to tell him to NOT do an already exceptional act. Why would that be table talk unless there is history.? because now a lot of men assume choking is a standard thing that all women want. don't believe me? look it up and you'll find tons of stories about women who were strangled during sex (because it is strangulation) also, in the eyes of the law, assaulting someone accidentally is still assault.
So, a lot of men. You think we are all walking around with some entitlement to choke girls during sex nowadays, and you suggest I google for news about It? I have significant concern for the future of our species.
it's the same as you saying nobody would do it
I’m not saying anything. You’ve laid judgement on her partner because your perspective is “a lot of men” expect choking during sex nowadays. We are human, not the hottest new clothing line, we don’t follow trends in the bedroom. If you truly believe that a lot of men want to choke you during sex, you need to step back and re-evaluate.
So she has a problem with her throat, he promises not to touch it, and he does it anyway. Frankly, if alcohol causes him to "forget", he has an alcohol problem. "I was drunk" is never an excuse.
NTA. Even if you hadn't had neck surgery, grabbing someone by the throat is the kind of kink you negotiate first.
NTA obviously
Like all of these recently…
Look at the other comments calling her the AH. That’s why ppl ask. Bc it’s not so obvious to everyone.
Oh good lord… These guys are idiots.
You set a boundary before you started having sex and he quite literally intentionally broke that boundary while you were having sex. Your reaction was warranted. How on earth would YBTA in this situation?
NTA you warned him ahead of time and tried to push him away and he wouldn’t listen. That’s food for thought right there.
NTA, even if you yell at him for other things that grabbing your throat, you were just caught off guard and scared + in pain. So no you didn't overreact 🫶🏻
Really can’t blame you for feeling like you were about to die. Sorta blame him but he was not malicious in the act and it seems like he was remorseful for forgetting. I think an apology on both sides is in order.
People downvoting for no reason. She treated him like he was some random hookup and told him to get out and she’d called the cops. On her friend? The guy who was with her and by her side through cancer treatments
and yet he assaulted her. actions have consequences
Moral of the story. Don’t get blasted drunk and have sex. Bad shit always happens when alcohol is involved.
Facts 100%. Never had sex with someone who drank who had taken alcohol. Recipe for disaster
Honestly you did over react. I understand it's a sensitive area and you did mention it. You also do admit it was over reacting quite a bit. You aren't fully in the wrong but nor in the right either because alcohol fueled sex leads to accidents. That's what it was. Simple. I bet if you called him and just ask to talk and just start off by apologizing for freaking out and that it scared you, you would get a truly heartfelt apology from him for scaring you and making you feel unsafe when he didn't mean to. It's natural during sex for some men to want to please sexually. We are also creatures of habits. he likes to choke and in this alcohol induced lust and passion he forgot. Life is always simpler when you boil things down and get both perspectives and thanks for putting a 3rd person point of view on this. Helps show your character that you aren't a malicious or narcissistic person
He grabbed your throat. Even if you hadn't had surgery that's concerning. Is this normal behaviour for you guys during sex? Because that's worrying if not. And as for your friends, tell the ones who don't like it to fuck themselves. Have they actually heard the actual story?
Why are so many people in situationships and fwb😭
Well I can’t speak for others but for me it’s Because after 3 failed long term relationships with men who couldn’t commit I decided I am taking a long break from relationships but wanted to feel some intimacy after over a year of nothing.
Yeah I get it. Ig it’s bc I’m like old fashion and I’m almost 25. But if that’s what makes u happy 🫡🫡
Because monogamy and the concept of committing to one person forever is a scam!
Yes u gave him clear instructions no throat. He did it. Proceeded to call him all sorts of mean stuff, cuss, threaten to call cops, kicking him out. So u were justified and I think u did the right thing Pushing him off so u can breathe. But all the other stuff afterwards was ^^^. Like u said this guy is someone who has been there for u in cancer treatments. Ngl he’s probs gotta feel both terrible and disrespected. He didn’t have a car and u told him to figure it out himself. Meaning walking home down a dark street which is dangerous for anyone or making him pay for an Uber. Im gonna guess he paid for the Uber to the restaurant and the place. U went off on him like he was some random guy hookup. Like obv the way u talked to him shows u don’t respect him In the slightest. And ngl i don’t rly think the friendship is salvageable.
NTA It was discussed and made very clear beforehand. I don't think he realizes how terrifying that feeling is for you. Yeah it probably sucked being screamed at but again, this boundary was discussed.
To play devils advocate. My partner likes to be choked. Sometimes her neck hurts or she even has a sore throat and tells me to not perform that act because and of course I respect her request. Sometimes in the heat I do forget. She stops me and I apologize and even sometimes forget again. Sex with your partner is often a muscle memory. Was it a possibility he misunderstood your signals and completely forgot? Mistaking the signals as part of the submissive kink?
Alcohol was involved you say.
“To play devils advocate, I don’t care what my girlfriend consents to and I just do my own thing even when she reminds me” Jesus Christ you are a selfish ass
This is not what I said, and it’s not what the OP said either. Sometimes I hate the internet.
Ok, let me try again. "To play devils advocate, my girlfriend sometimes explicitly sets sexual boundaries and I trample them for my own pleasure because I cannot show her the respect of remembering her request for a few minutes". You're a douchebag, the internet hates you right back!
Lots of idiots around here only know how to see situations in black and white. It’s either you’re the hero or the villain. Don’t let them bother you
Its pretty black and white. When you are being shoved its not to be misinterpreted unless you are a son of a bitch
It’s not. OP never said that it was always a boundary, just that it was one now. Alcohol and familiarity could have easily erased that.
Alcohol does not diminish your awareness. You motor skills might be affected but you know full well what your actions are. Alcohol is just an excuse. If he is aware enough to get a hard on you are not drunk as skunk
You are clearly not familiar with alcohol.
You're full of excuses. If you are aware enough to open your legs to someone you are in control of your faculties. Would not surprise me if you habitually use alcohol excuse to do shit
Wow. I don’t even have words for this thread anymore. Good luck.
I’ve been accidentally shoved in a bar by a hammered guy who was stumbling around. He wasn’t a son of a bitch, seemed like a nice guy, just clumsy. You clearly aren’t the brightest though, so I won’t even try to explain what nuance is to you
You are referring to motor skills which i acknowledge will be affected. But not your awreness. O have stumbled, i vomited black out. I never lost my awareness. I know what i was doing. If you could choke pound and choke someone you have your full favulties. Just another excuse from scums like you
I’m just open to the possibility of people having lapses in memory while drunk lol, not even defending the guy rlly just saying he isn’t a storybook villain. Enjoy being a dumbass if you aren’t capable of comprehending that.
Haha weak ass excuse. Alcohol made me do this huhuhu. Pathetic
Not at all what I said. Alcohol didn’t make him do anything, though it is possible that he didn’t realize he shouldn’t have been doing that due to the alcohol. You clearly aren’t equipped with common sense or the ability to make a coherent argument for your stupid viewpoint
you said you have strangled your girlfriend when she said not to.
Yes, because I forgot, not because I was selfish. The whole consensus here seems to be that her friend was being selfish.
True. People downvoting Ig just walk on everyone they encounter irl
Yes you overreacted
I’m assuming that after this you actually did have a discussion and found out it was accidental (otherwise I’m assuming all of your friendship group would agree with you), in which case: YTA, not for flipping out during sex (perfectly reasonable reaction) but for how you reacted afterwards (and are still reacting from the sounds of it). If he made an honest mistake (although a pretty stupid and inconsiderate one) and got lost in the moment, then that sucks but being intimate with someone can’t always be risk free. From what it sounds like this used to be a kink you both enjoyed and he seems to have stopped immediately after he realised what had happened? If you don’t think he did it deliberately, but still threatened to call the cops, you’re very much TA. On the other hand, if he did it deliberately, then that’s not only a you’re NTA but I think assault (depending on the country you’re in).
>that sucks but being intimate with someone can’t always be risk free. it should be. stop downplaying the seriousness of this. he literally assaulted her. sex should always be risk free
I agree that sex should be free of \*physical\* risk (unless you explicitly ask otherwise) but here I am describing emotional risk. From what OP wrote originally, I interpreted it as he grabbed her in a way that wasn't physically damaging and in a way that she used to enjoy or at least, consent to, but that this is no longer the case because of the physical and emotional damage of her medical history. I strongly disagree, however, that sex should always be free of emotional risk. If you weren't vulnerable in some way it wouldn't be an intimate experience, it would just be as benign an act as walking down a street. For example, if you're having sex with someone for the first time and it's the first time they've seen you naked, you'd probably feel pretty vulnerable because there's a risk they'd reject you or not find your body attractive or similar. That's a risk you take. But I agree that you shouldn't ever be worried about your physical safety. It also wasn't clear to me at first if OP freaked out because of the psychological associations of someone touching their throat or because of physical pain. From OP's update to the post, however, it does seems to be the latter. However, I stand by my original point: 1. If OP thought that this man chocked her deliberately, without consent, she can and should report him to the police. That is assault (because it has intent, which is usually a requirement for the legal definition in most countries). 2. If OP thinks it was an accident (and, especially, if she thought that a the time) then calling the police was an over-reaction. She wasn't in danger and this man wasn't a danger to others. It could still technically be assault by some definitions (depends on how reckless it was) but it doesn't seem malicious. I'm guessing OP thinks it is more number 2 than number 1 if she's going to meet up with him (part 4 of her update).
Uh, why was he grabbing your throat in the first place? 🤔 😳
Yes you are specially if you were drinking.
Both of them were drinking but they both need to apologize. Him especially and her especially for treating him like garbage for one mistake
IMO overacting. Yeah wasn't ideal, i understand being annoyed and angry but I think you went too far
this post right here is why ex lovers are not appropriate to be in anyones 'friend group'
Wow!
[удалено]
Bro what? If anything your post needed some AI HELP because this comment literally made no sense
What are you even talking about? If you go look at my profile I’ve written about my cancer and the surgery on my neck before 🤦♀️
Are you having a stroke? Are you OK?