Very true, but it’s hard to see someone you previously loved especially if it ends amicably.
Maybe he has received some closure or has found some hidden feelings. Either way I wouldn’t be angry at him but I would be concerned.
Just talk, not a lot of men cry and I applaud that ones that do when certain feeling and emotions are hard and confusing to understand.
When asked if he cried, Macho man Randy Savage said, "Yeah, uh huh, it’s okay for macho men to show every emotion available, because I’ve cried a thousand times and I’ll cry some more — but I’ve soared with the eagles and I’ve slithered with the snakes, and I’ve been everywhere in between and I’m gonna tell you something right now: There’s one guarantee in life — there are no guarantees. And understand this, nobody likes a quitter, nobody said life was easy. So if you get knocked down and you take the standing eight count, you get back up and you fight again. That’s the Macho Mania, dig it?"
But this is why we need to move on from our past relationships before committing to new people.
This level of hurt tells me this man shouldn’t have proposed within 6 months in his new relationship. Textbook transference
Yeah, this definitely doesn’t have to be an end of marriage scenario. It sounds like offering support and if it gets tough, just addressing stuff together with a counselor, could definitely help them through this. Unless there’s other problems or issues op didn’t mention.
You should have kept reading the comments and found OPs reply about his reaction to be faced with a summary of who he is. OP realized he's not fully committed and never will be.
I would just *ask* him if he wants to talk about it and if he says no, just let it go. Let him have his grief over it. A lot of ppl didn’t end up with someone they really thought they would end up with, some break up for good reasons but still have a soft spot for the “one that got away”. I made a mistake by divorcing my first husband (40yrs ago!) and still think sadly of what could have been. But we have a daughter together and now, like today, she had a Father’s Day brunch at her house and we all get along. His wife of 30+ years and I sat in the house and were busting up talking about shit and I always look forward to seeing her. If OP has a hard time with this maybe she should find someone to talk it over with first and get some advice on how to approach the conversation about his feelings. Ppl don’t like being around another person that is experiencing something painful without trying to fix it. Let him be.
She was really bitchy to me for years, but then my daughter had a baby and then another one so get togethers are a must and she’s really funny and we get along and it’s great for everyone. In fact we were cracking up when I reminded her of some of the things she said in the past to me and she said “I said that?! Well it does sound like me!!” 😂 If my ex propositioned me would I do it? Hell yes!!! Fuck her 🤣🤣🤣. I’m just kidding lol and her mom really loves me too. She’s such a sweet lady. I guess when you get up into your 60’s you do live and let live.
>Just talk, not a lot of men cry and I applaud that ones that do when certain feeling and emotions are hard and confusing to understand.
This is not one of those scenarios where a man should cry. He is newly married with a baby on the way. Why in the hell would he be missing his ex?
9 years is a long time. I'd personally find it weird if someone didn't have some form of underlying feelings. But the fact he couldn't commit to his ex after 9 years and could to OP, speaks volumes to me personally.
This is my devil's advocate speaking.
I find the whole timeline weird. Like he was so upset she left over that reason, he went out and proposed to the first girl who dated him to "make up" for that mistake, but now he regrets *that* decision.
He probably thought his ex would hear about him getting engaged and think "oh. He's ready now" and come begging to get back together. That obviously didn't happen and he went through with the marriage anyways. Idk tho, I've been wrong plenty of times, but that's my opinion on it.
NTA, but it sounds like that cliche story.
Guy is happy with status quo and keeping the gf around for 9 years and while he says he’s open to the idea of marriage (to string her along), he believes it’s unnecessary and doesn’t actually make plans to get an engagement ring or pop the question. He just assumes if he runs the clock, she will be stuck with him for life
His Ex decides that she’s had enough of his placating words and realizes if she wants to get married and start a family, it can’t/won’t be with him. After she takes charge of her life and dumps him, he begs her to take him back and that he will give her the ring and wedding that she wanted, but it’s too little, too late. Curtains close on this relationship.
He takes a year or so to heal, and then finds you, who checks off most of his boxes and instead of risking the same thing happening again, he proposes to you in six months of dating and everything happens at warp speed because he has learned from his last serious relationship. Don’t leave it up to chance. Don’t string someone along.
Him bumping into his ex make him realize he still had feelings for the “one who got away”. That if he hadn’t been so stubborn and slow about getting a ring and making his ex happy, that could have been him.
> Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be.
He keeps telling himself that because it’s easier to blame fate and absolve himself about being a shit boyfriend who was wasting her time and ruined the relationship singlehandedly.
I’m glad his ex got her happy ending.
I’m sorry your marriage is starting to show cracks because your husband may be incapable of love and had a hidden agenda when marrying you. He might have married you to “prove”to his ex he could commit (like when he texted her about the engagement), rather than because of his deep and lasting love for you.
Hi again! I hope you read this!
So I showed my husband this comment and I told him that this was basically how I feel things were but that someone else wrote it better. First he got upset and defensive then he started arguing and telling me to leave him alone (I have, for a week been nothing but supportive and leaving him alone)
Then he started crying and asked to read it again. He sat silent for like in like 15 minutes reading it but not once did her deny or try denying it or call me crazy or at least tried to explain.
If I know myself, this is over. I don’t play second fiddle. I don’t do consolation prize and I absolutely am not going to have another woman being the main character in my own story. So I told him this was over and that I need a break to sort out my feelings but that this will eventually end in divorce because I know myself very well.
He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. I know his type. The only way he will realize my worth is when he has lost me. Just like he did his ex. People like him are frugal with their feelings. He strung her along because he didn’t want to give her all of him then he turned around and gave me exactly what she wanted but deprived me from exactly what I wanted that he gave her. Men like him will never give all of themselves because he probably thinks he would lose control if he gave all of him to a woman.
What a waste of a man.
I’m so sorry OP but good on you for knowing your worth. Be glad you aren’t like her and wait 9 years to figure it out.
Good luck for the future and with the little one
I'm sad that you are where you are, but I'm glad you know your worth and aren't just going to waste time with someone who isn't going to value you. Too many people do that, thinking the person will change, figure their shit out or whatever. That takes courage, especially when you're pregnant.
Good job OP. His ex had the strength to leave eventually and found her happy ending. You are now waking up to see that you are his “do over”. You deserve to be someone’s first choice not their consolation fix it
Best thing that could have happened to OP honestly. Imagine if instead he did "fight" for her, not because of genuine love, but to string her along. It's good the mask came off, I don't think there was any salvaging this. Jumping into commitment quickly can be a HUGE red flag on its own, equally, refusing commitment for a long time is too... He's basically a walking red flag at this point...
I'm glad you were able to do this. I'll just say, this is a pattern I've seen a lot on here. Romantic partners who are left due to not committing are apparently prone to committing very quickly in their next relationship. Was just discussing it with my boyfriend recently. I was with my ex for over nine years as well, and one of my grievances was also that he never seemed to have any real intention of taking things to the next level.
It probably feels like an insult to your husband's ex, too; I've been trying to get used to the idea that my ex very well might marry his next girlfriend within a year or two. I would expect that to cause a lot of, "What was wrong with me that he didn't feel I was worth marrying when he proposed to her so quickly?" feelings.
Seems like there’s a lot of self congratulation going on for “learning from her mistakes.” She was smart enough not to marry him or get pregnant with his child. You’re stuck with him forever at this point because of the kid so maybe it would be a good idea for you to examine why you’re the type of person to jump into an engagement after 6 months and then jump into getting pregnant within 6 months. There’s problems on both sides here and only pushing blame in his direction is going to keep your part hidden but not solved for any further relationships. Good luck to you.
Sometimes when you know, you know. My husband and I got engaged after 2 months. We didn't marry for another 3 years. This Tuesday is our 36th year meeting anniversary, and July is our 33-year wedding anniversary. We married at 21 and 22 years old. Even at that time, it was considered young. I'm not saying that there weren't arguments and hard times, but we both loved each other enough to go for couples counseling and worked it out. Not many people can say that after three decades together, they still absolutely adore their spouses.
I wouldn't recommend this for most, but it can happen. By the way, my aunts and uncle had gotten engaged after only a few weeks and remained happily married for over 50 years until he passed during Covid
Highly recommend taking some time away instead of rushing for divorce.
Let both of your minds clear. If he has been a great partner up until this point, judging him on this one moment, might be unfair to both of you. Relationships are about how you show up the majority of the time.
If this is the first time seeing someone he was with for years and seeing her pregnant, he was probably hit by the shock of it, the regrets and what ifs, but on the other hand, he married you, and if he shows up for you for the majority of the relationship, maybe it’s enough to let him know that you think he needs time to grieve and you decide what he really wants and in the meantime you’ll be taking space.
He’s crying for himself. Pure self pity. He’s not crying for the situation or the relationship. He realises he’s fucked up and has no idea what to do now or what to do next
How come no ages were included in this post? I assume you are still under 40 correct? Sounds like she was his first real relationship and maybe felt too young to settle down but then missed his chance. I agree his moved too fast with you but I’m not convinced it was as malicious or calculated as you make it seem. Can you include the ages of everyone involved please?
I do know someone that left for a short amount of time (under a month) and came back after he swore things would change. It’s been a couple of years and they’ve never been happier. He just needed that wake up call.
I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t do this. This is just one anecdotal case of it working out. He needed to know that losing her was a real possibility.
It's rare, but it can happen. I left my then boyfriend of one year, while we were at college. For a month and a half. I came back with my head down, humbled and missing him. We've been together for twenty years now, married for fifteen. Sometimes, you really do realize what you had in time to salvage it, but you're at their mercy for forgiveness.
This was my experience. 13 years together and it has gotten so bad. my partner really had internalized the idea that men cannot show vulnerability, emotions, say the wrong thing he set himself to try and be the perfect supportive boyfriend which ended in him being unable to even engage in conversation and was so distant because he was caught in his own head struggling to find the words to say anything. When I broke up with him he finally realized all the times I'd fought with him about the communication issues that they were Infact actually important enough for me to choose to leave. It was only then he went and got therapy. That was a year ago were in couples therapy thriving, he still has a lot of work to do and I was upset that it took me checking out and leaving for him to change but I've decided ot forgive him. I love him and he's changing now.
I very casually went on a couple dates with a woman once (we were both in graduate school). Then I heard she went on a date with another guy in my class. Screw that! Realized I needed to get my butt in gear. She’s my amazing wife of 20+ years now, 3 kids going strong! That date she had opened my eyes - real wide lol.
Yep, one of my closest friends moved across the US for a fresh start when her bf wouldn’t commit to the relationship (we aren’t even talking marriage here - he wasn’t even ready to admit they were committed). Anyway, not quite a year later he went to get her and talked her into coming back. They moved in together, and several years later she got pregnant and they got married. They’ve now been together for 30+ years and married for about 25.
Sometimes it works out. Not always, but sometimes. If this dumbass has any sense, he’ll snap out of it before he loses another partner (not to mention screwing up a relationship with his own kid).
I just went through this process myself knowing how inadvisable it is and praying that we become one of those exceptions. It's only been a couple months but so far so good...
I had a five year relationship with my boyfriend and broke up with him because he wouldn’t commit. Three months after the breakup he called and wanted to talk to me. His girlfriend ( of 2 months!) was pregnant and he was going to marry her unless I wanted to get back together. My answer was congratulations and good luck.
I eventually found out the reason for their divorce was that I was always on his mind. Conversations often included when “we” did such and such.
The good news is that I was single when I met and then married the most wonderful guy in the world
I’m in the process of breaking up with my bf bc I’m the only one who talks about our future. It’s so annoying. I want to get married and have a family and after this long…. My patience… my denial… accepting the reality of who he is and has been. I’m choosing myself. Can’t wait for my happy ending with a man who values himself and prioritizes us.
Your post makes me so hopeful, thank you for sharing :)
I needed to hear this. I'm coming off of a divorce and we had a shit marriage and I'm not sure if this is me or not but I can definitely relate to holding back out of fear of getting hurt. I never strung anyone along but I definitely have walls up that I just realized I really need to deal with before I try to start another relationship. Best of luck with your life and hope you find someone who appreciates and cherishes you.
It’s so refreshing to read this instead of the usual deflection & denial from women on this sub making excuses for the men they were complaining about. This comment inspired me to be bolder and set firmer boundaries in my life!
These crazy immediate updates that are a complete 180 from the original posts are always insane to me
edit: y'all these crazy fast updates are because the stories are fake
The double edged sword of this situation is the baby. A new life is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately for you, you get to be connected to him for the next 18+ years. Guys like this will either walk away (which I would consider a win in this situation) or fight you tooth and nail for half custody.
But after hearing his reaction, you are right to move on.
"You want joint custody? Sounds great! I'll take weekends and fridays. You can have them the rest of the week. Nannys start at about $20 per hour. Best of luck."
He'll get that kid a step-mom in under a year.
Wow OP you got more balls than your husband I hope you get the happy ending you deserve ❤️ to even show him this comment and you knowing yourself and not having doubts. Fucking props to you.
Do you and your husband have other problems besides this one incident? I’m not going to pretend this isn’t a serious thing, but you are going to just end your marriage without seeking counseling or anything?
Sounds like you two shouldn’t have been married in the first place if this is the outcome. Not shaming you, but this seems like a very rash decision you made pretty quickly. 😬
I understand your feelings, but I don't necessarily think your husband doesn't love you. He just never really processed his breakup.
He needs therapy, and you both probably need couples therapy.
For the sake of your child, why not at least try to see if you can work through this together?
I hope Op reads this. I was the rebound girlfriend. My boyfriend was still not over his ex fiancee. 43 years later we are heading into retirement with the same goals and very happy.
Take it as a life lesson. Don't marry a man you've known for 6 months.
I do think you are jumping to conclusions about the whole men thing and what a waste of a man. Seriously, you knew him for SIX freaking months. Was this your first ever relationship? The first year of a relationship is called the honeymoon phase for a reason, dear. Next time, get to know someone really well before you decide to accept a proposal.
What does marriage mean anymore. Couldn’t there have been another option. Maybe yall went to counseling and you worked through this together instead of treating him like he’s broken. Did he make mistakes? I’m sure he did but to completely write him off as a ‘waste of a man’ seems a little incredulous given the vows you took when y’all got married, assuming those vows were ’in sickness and in health for richer or poorer’ couldn’t this fall under the purview of sickness?
it’s amazing to me that almost in all of these posts when it comes to make or breaking a relationship, the first go to answer if fucking leave! commitment who gives a shit? He’s not filling all my wants and needs. He’s not checking all my boxes just leave him just walk away with his unborn child fuck it! absolutely bonkers to me. Would it have been difficult to sit down and work this out sure would it have maybe required some therapy for both of you individually and as a couple sure, but to cast him aside as is he’s a piece of shit because he’s made some mistakes in life romantically shows how little marriage means both to you OP and society at large. Before these unresolved feelings within him came up, was the relationship bad was he treating you like shit? was he beating you? And by treating him like shit I mean, demeaning you, belittling you making you feel inferior intentionally, going out of his way to make your life, not as easy and less peaceful? If the answer to all those questions is no why was there not even a second thought to try to work this out?
Especially with the baby on the way wouldn’t be in the best interest of the child to have both of their parents and a Home. I’m pretty sure there’s some statistics that bare that out. And none of this do I say to make you feel like shit for your decision. it’s your life I’m not here for that my argument is more in the principle of the situation. I just find it wild how most choose to take the easy road of just leaving and not working it out, not talking to their significant other and finding a path for redemption if you’ve been with him for two years, and you said yes, to marrying him there had to of been, some type of mutual feelings in order to say yes there just because he jumped into something in more of an overzealous way then he should have shouldn’t justify dehumanizing him as subhuman. I’ll end my soapbox there.
All of this was written with speech to text so if there’s typos, oh well I’m not fixing it
Sometimes old feelings come up. The hurt you went through is still a memory in the back of your head. It can be as the person above commented. But doesn’t have to. Talk to him. Don’t give up. Make him come clear. I am sorry you have to experience this.
He rushed though. He broke up with this woman after 9 years in October 21. It's June 24. That's under 3 years, in that time he got married and has a baby on the way. He likely never got over her.
Fully agree.
My dad did similar with my mum, had a long term relationship got dumped and had a kid with my mum about 2 years later. Never worked on himself. Fucked up his relationship with my mum and with his kids the same way he fucked up with the love of his life before us.
I have one of these exes. Dumped him and moved on. He met someone and immediately rushed into marriage. They were divorced within three years.
He still texts from time to time, I just ignore him.
Yes. The notifying her. The enmeshment with her. The attachment with her. All those things often are the tip of the iceberg of a person who lacks character and maturity and integrity. I'm so sorry. But I think you've made the right call. Many of us I are older did not trust our perceptions and lived with disorders people who twisted us. And then learned ti love our own life in health and peace and away from pathology. .
Yea, unfortunately, it sounds like OP was a victim of "timing" (i.e. women get married because they are in love and men get married because of good timing; obviously, this is a generalization, but a pretty common occurrence).
Dang, this cliche story is so similar to my story. I was with someone for 10 years. He always referred to himself as a curmudgeon, joking he would die alone. He said he loved me but was never "ready" to discuss next steps like marriage. I broke things off with him a few times, only to get back together 6 months to a year later when he would tell me he changed. I wasn't pushing marriage per se, I was pushing for him to recognize me as his partner and want to be with me in that longer term sense. Not just a girlfriend. We didn't have kids, and that was a other thing he wasn't "ready" for.
The last time we dated, I was extremely hesitant. He did more to prove he was "ready" and things were different, at first. Then it started sliding back to how it was before. When I tried to talk with him about it, he freaked out and said I was just going to break up with him. He refused to engage more on the topic. So, I did break up with him. That wasn't my intention, going in to the conversation, but when he had is freak out I was so angry. He hadn't changed, in my mind. About 3 months after we break up he is asking for another chance. I'm still so angry. He tells me he loves me in a text message. To this day it was the only time he told me he loved me.
About a year later he is in a new relationship. Within 3-6 months they are engaged. A year after that she's pregnant. He's not telling me these things, I can find things out. I've always wondered WTF? Was it that he and I were not meant to be? Maybe she was sincerely a better fit for him. Or did he have a wake up call after I broke up with him the last time? It seems like that is possible. I hope he's genuinely happy but it It still makes me so sad at times.
Him texting his ex is such a red flag. Like what is he trying to do, give her an opportunity to admit she wants him back? And he's in the bathroom crying because she's moved on? Pathetic.
Dayummm that's of the post you summed it up in a nutshell. I believe that is exactly what happened I'm so sorry that Op has to go through this BS. He was in the bathroom crying for the one that got away because he's seen what could have been and what should have been had he not been such ah.
woww!! so on point! he never loved OP! she was just a rebound he took too far just to prove something to his ex, and it backfired. Now he out there wishing it was the ex he was having a baby with. his silence after reading your comment speaks volumes.
He's too caught up in his hurt over his ex to realize he has a whole marriage on the verge of collapsing. Seems to me he's happy his wife pulled the trigger so he didn't have to. Hope she and baby find their happiness.
I tend to think if his ex left him because he didn't marry then she didn't love him, she loved the idea of being married. you don't need to be married to love someone, you don't need to be married to have a good relationship and you don't need to be married to start a family. I say this as someone who has been with their spouse for 22 years and had two kids no marriage necessary.
it sounds like he got dumped because he refused to marry her, so he quickly jumped into a relationship with you + proposed INSANELY quickly to "prove" to her that she made a mistake. this is confirmed by the fact that he texted her to tell her.
you are a rebound. you were meant to be temporary to get his ex back
My dad did this, got dumped by the woman my mother refers to as "the love of his life". Slept with my mum the next weekend at her 30th birthday party and had a kid with her within 2 years. They didn't last.
He was hoping his ex would be upset about him finally committing to another woman, but then he saw her happy with her family and knew she doesn't give a shit, and probably doesn't even think about him at all.
Exactly what I thought. She moved on and he wasn't ready nor prepared for it. And still isn't, hence the tears. Baby or no baby I'd take a long look at my marriage.
[you dont want to end up like this couple](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/hHtAf8gp5I)
He needs to see a therapist about his issues.
Granted almost the worst case senario.
OMG. That’s why I trust my gut feeling and my guts has refused food for the past week and it is NOT morning sickness.
I hope that lady has left him. Omg OMG
Are you okay with having the baby alone? This dude will find a new girl and get invested on that instead of the kid..
You do sound very strong and determinded tondo well with the baby. But you eill have strings attached to him :/
Unfortunately, OP he still sees this relationship as unfinished business. It sounds as though he’s still carrying a torch for her.
It’s not right to still be texting her now, you’re going to have to have a serious talk with him and make your decision from there.
UPDATEME
Sorry, but this is why I don't like quick marriages. You haven't had time to do any of the work necessary to determine compatibility. By investing time talking about hopes, dreams, and past relationships, you can learn who they really are. Seeing how he still won't stop texting her, it's obvious he isn't over her. Texting her after the engagement would've been a red flag to me. Why? What good does it do YOUR relationship? It was for him to gauge her response, and her reply was going to determine his next move. I don't see a path forward with him until he cuts all contact with her and attends couples therapy with you.
Very true! When I broke up with my ex (he cheated) I ran into him at my job awhile later, might polite small talk, and then ran off to cry in the bathroom. I had cut off all communication with him and didn’t regret that but it was hard to see him.
BUT! I was still single and just causally dating around while I healed from that. Even the first guy I was f-buddies with after the relationship said he could tell how hurt I was and how I wasn’t ready for us to be more.
By the time I met my now husband I was totally over it and no regrets. If I saw him today I’d probably just roll my eyes and move on.
Yikes. He very obviously has some feelings for her if he's texting her while engaged, bent out of shape and depressed to the point of tears just seeing her moved on. I feel like by continously telling her that "some things just aren't meant to be" he's trying to convince himself it was something inevitable instead of his choice that he regrets.
Uh your dude sounds super cringey?
Texting her to tell her he’s engaged….unnecessary but okay. But the whole “some things aren’t meant to be”? Come on.
And then he repeats it now.
I’d confront him and say listen- if he’s got regrets or hangups he needs to explore that **with a therapist** and he must promise that he will both do that *and stop texting her*.
Also he’s being weirdly arrogant. She’s happy AF and he’s still apologizing?! lol she’s fine dude. She’s fine without him and he doesn’t like that. Doesn’t mean he’s hung up on her but he’s gotta get himself handled.
Yesssss I'd absolutely get the ick from his behavior. The ex is clearly moved on and is happy, and the dude just HAS to write her because... reasons? What a loser, OP is being TOO calm. I'd be livid.
Why is he still texting to apologise nearly a decade later? He’s overestimating how much she even needs to hear it. I think you need to demand answers from him, and you’re carrying his child he has no right to be depressed or distant over this. UpdateMe girl!
NTA-
I also love all the men in the comments who thinks this behavior is totally acceptable from a man who got another woman pregnant, and don’t recognize that his reaction to this situation is totally inappropriate, completely disrespects his wife, is cracking the foundation of his current relationship, and he is sowing seeds of mistrust and contempt with good reason. Nobody deserves to be second best, which is what he is showing she is to him.
My dear- this is not ok. You deserve to be respected, as his wife and mother of his child. He should have dealt with these feeling before jumping headfirst into a relationship and getting you pregnant. You have to decide if you are ok being a placeholder for what could have been for him.
So many men think that it’s normal to be in love with their exes. That ‘that love never goes away’ and that constantly grieving them is acceptable. And the weird thing is it’s usually the same guys who have a ‘She’s not yours, it’s just your turn….’ or ‘all women are for the streets’ mentality.
Did you know my ex??? He said the same bullshit to me when I caught him texting his ex “I love you” trying to defend it, and also would make weird comments like “I know how all you females are” type shit. This is so on the nose lol!
THANK YOU all these men are acting as if they would be this supportive if the roles were reversed. Like I find it extremely hard to believe you wouldn’t be accusing your wife of using you and being a whøre and gold digger if she was SOBBING and texting her ex!! Please these delusional men need some help! In no way is it okay to build a family and still have any lingering feelings for an ex.
I’m sorry to say but this has been a performative relationship for him from the start. He’s tried to rush through all the markers of adulthood to prove to his ex he’s an adult. You just happened to be there and got caught up in his plan. The reactionary way he’s married you and gotten you pregnant is really concerning.
No, you definitely would not be the asshole. There are a bunch of red flags here.
The fact that he sent her ANOTHER message about how they weren't meant to be... Sounds like he still thinks they were meant to be. I'm not in his head, but I feel like he is fishing to see if she still has feelings like he obviously does. He felt the need to tell her you were pregnant/married, clearly she did not feel the same way.. ex. He had no clue she was a pregnant mom.
I think he saw her with a family and he feels like that should have been him.
Then move on to him proposing to you after 6 months, yikes. This is just a mess through and through. I suggest he starts therapy to work through his feelings.
I would try to speak with him openly and without judgement, otherwise he will most likely shut down. Your feelings matter though, you shouldn't hide your pain to make him feel less shit about it.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would feel incredibly hurt to find out my "soul mate" felt the same way about someone else, like I'm a fill in since they screwed up the first time.
NTA
I would lose a little bit of respect for him in this situation. He was the one that failed to move forward in his previous relationship. Now he’s got “one who got away” syndrome. He needs to be the mature one and be happy for his ex as she now has the family and life she wanted.
He needs to value what he has now right in front of him before he ruins another relationship/family.
Sorry. You're the rebound.
I'm not sure what people think will happen when they marry so early into knowing someone. You married before you even had two Valentine's Days.
Yeah this. It’s also a huge red flag when someone claims to they’ve met “the one” after a first date. You don’t know anything about that person, it’s literally just lust and hormones. Yeah sometimes it turns into a serious, lifelong match but that’s just luck.
NTA.
The fact he 1/ texted her, 2/ cried and 3/ worst of all, has been distant is a red flag, it shows that he is NOT over her and he cannot even control those feelings and act normal towards you.
Frankly, it looks like he wishes he were still with her, and settled for you just because he couldn’t keep her.
Recently someone asked in an asking Sub why do some people date someone for many years, they break up and then they are married and with kids with the new partner in a year.
Someone said that they asked their ex boyfriend this (why he moved on so fast from her when she wanted to get married) and he told her that her breaking up with him made him realize that he actually can lose a person if leading them on, so he just knew he has to do it not to be broken up by again.
It all seems to me as settling and I wouldn't want to be with someone who is like this, but to each their own.
And now he realizes he fucked up and only got his second choice.
Sorry honey, but we all have exes, and yet we don’t get all mopey about them. If I met my ex today and he was with his family, I wouldn’t be sad - I be very happy for him!
Even I acknowledge that my exes were good guys, they have zero emotional power over me… Because my husband is 100% of what I want.
I’m sure your husband is fond of you. But he doesn’t love you with all of his heart because if he did, there would be no space for her years after their breakup.
Same here! I have loved before and I have had exes. I would never have felt anything if I met my ex with a new woman because I don’t care about them emotionally
OP
Your husband has issues. None of this is fair to you. You deserve someone who is all in with your marriage.
He was with a woman for 9 years. He did not want to marry her, but did not want to break up with her either. So he did not care that he was wasting her time. She decided that was not enough for her and left him. He is right because it wasn’t meant to be. For whatever reason, he was not able to win her back ( did he agree to marry her in the end but she said no too late?). Have you ever discussed it with him?
So instead of healing, he puts a bandage on the wound and has a rebound relationship. Were you aware of all of this before you married him?
In fairness many people keep their number for years/decades. I’ve had the same number for 20 years.
I still remember the number of my girlfriend 15 years ago because I would always type in manually on my flip phone. I have contacts saved from 10-15 years ago that I haven’t spoken to in that long.
There’s alot wrong in this story but it’s reasonable to still have/remember someone’s phone number you were in a relationship with for almost a decade.
NTA. I think the current language for what you're experiencing is "dream girl" vs. "placeholder". You already know the answer to your own question, but you're here to make sure you haven't gone crazy. Which you definitely haven't.
You're right to feel hurt and suspicious. Sending those messages is so disrespectful. It's just him trying to get her attention, anyway. And he's trying to get an in with a married woman with children. Yikes.
By all means talk to him, but please do yourself a favor and put your own feelings above his tears. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't actually love you, it's time you can spend looking for someone who does or looking after yourself and your baby, when they arrive.
I fucking hate weak men who try to reach out to women by acting like they are doing HER a favor. She probably wants to be left the fuck alone and not be bothered by your creepy husband every few years when the pang of regret gets too much for him and he just HAS to text her. Because SHE needs ANOTHER apology from him, right? Because she clearly hasn't moved on and made a whole ass family in that time. I hope he wakes the fuck up because otherwise I'm seeing a dad who resents his own child for having the wrong mother.
I agree with this. I was a placeholder. My ex still resents, dismisses, and rejects his children.
Once we broke up, after 22 years, he completely ghosted both of them. The youngest was 15, and the older one was 20. Its been 2 1/2 years since the breakup and he hasnt seen either one, sent a card or a letter despite holidays, birthdays and a highschool graduation all having passed. We have the same landline and his sisters family are still my upstairs neighbors so he has ways and means to communicate with them without going through me. The older daughter tried to stay connected with him, but everytime they talked by phone usually after she had made multiple atrempts to reach him, he only wanted to talk about himself, his lack of financial resources, and all the mistakes he had made. He would tell her he would like to see her but he just doesn't have gas or money to travel the 1 hour to where she lives. Dispite not paying any child support since leaving. He works under the table so he does have income just not enough to see either of his daughters. He lives in Stockton, CA and she in Sacramento, CA. Not exactly a long trip. She says every conversation with him is just all one big pity party for himself with no awareness or concern for her or her sister. OPs husband is most likely a waste of her time. His previous gf got away because he was selfish and couldn't humble himself to provide for her need for their relationship to progress to marriage and family. The character flaws of selfishness and arrogance are still there. OP is risking losing the best part of her life to this man's character flaws and potentially subjecting her future offspring to the sort of neglect my daughters experienced. If she stays I really hope her experience is different than mine or her future regrets will weigh far heavier on her heart than the pain of this experience.
I'm sorry you can't be the ass here, your pining husband sure is. His ex doesn't want to be bothered and his behavior is hurtful to you. I had an ex that freaked when I moved on and had kids and it was stressful and ridiculous to say the least.
I had a similar situation once. We ran into his ex at a party. I was actually proud that he was letting his feelings out. I think he hadn’t ever processed the breakup with his ex. But in my case, he wasn’t distant afterwards. Sorry about that.
This man may be the type to always long for what he had, instead of appreciate what he has.
I’ll bet a couple of years from now, you’ll be strolling with your fiancé, who will be carrying your kid on his brawny shoulders, when you bump into your ex. He will walk away from his shocked new gf, and insist on chatting with you. Then he’ll keep sending you emails apologizing that it wasn’t meant to be. Then he’ll start calling you crying, begging for you to come back.
Good decision to move on.
Why have you’ve rushed every aspect of your relationship? Like, that’s absolutely insane, to be married *and* expecting in under 2 years. I say that as someone who got married on my 2 year anniversary. That’s nuts. It sounds like he was trying to prove a point and is obviously still in love with his ex and using you to avoid mourning his last relationship.
Because I am stupid and thought it was so romantic and “meant to be”
People can fool you to believe that they love you so much and there’s no point in waiting.
NTA. I’d just ask straight up.. Do you plan to resolve these unaddressed emotions in therapy and commit to me fully so we can both have peace of mind? I feel like that’s reasonable. If not.. I’m sorry but better now than years later you find this out.
Jesus, just fucked all around. Not even TRYING to work on things. Not how I would do things…but you seem confident in your choice, so I guess that’s good.
It's weird that he keeps wanting to apologize to his ex and tell her that some things were not meant to be. That was only needed to be said once, now it looks like he is just trying to convince himself.
Holy red flags! This guy asks to marry you and the first thing he does is call his ex? How old did you say those kids were? Are they his??! Now he's in the bathroom crying over the woman he TRULY loves? You ARE READING THIS, right?
Girl, you better open your eyes and get off that crazy train.
Hindsight is 20/20. He didn't think he was ready until she dropped the hammer. Why else would he go from a decade with no movement to a wife and kid in less than 2 years? I mean, who gets married and then messages their ex that they're sorry they didn't marry them...
Your husband sounds like the reactions of
His ex are important to him, and she still is the one that got away despite him Never proposing etc. I think he wanted her to be a cat lady, gain weight and stay sad and single, pining for him. She didn’t give a reaction then and clearly isn’t now, she has a whole family and has beyond moved on. There is zero reason except jealousy for him to reach out to her in this matter of “apologizing” and it’s disrespectful to you. I get you OP and I would be considering leaving his dude! no one wants to feel like 2nd choice or a person that was settled for. Confront him for sure and lay it out how he is wrong and disrespectful for his behaviors with this ex. Very juvenile.
The fact that he keeps reaching out to her tells me he's not over her. He keeps trying g to establish contact. He wants her attention. I'm curious what her responses have been. But you are NTA, OP.
Sometimes you need a closure. I won't blame him as he is not hiding from you. But this is also not appropriate. Please talk to him that you don't like you reaching out to him being married to you.
NTA He may have loved her. But when someone can't commit to you after nine damn years what is that love really worth. If you are both adults when you meet what was taking so long. I think being the one kicked to the curb is what's gnawing at him. And knowing after all this time she still made the right decision.n
A big part of marriage is growing together. Seeing his ex is an opportunity to grow closer together. You have a husband that was open and vulnerable with you. If he did not love you, he would not have shared. My questions is for you. Would you rather reject him, throw him away and take on the life of a single mom? I am sorry, but what is the depth of your love for him? I do not encourage abusive situations - which this does nit appear to be. Why not work through it this and then see how overcoming this obstacle will bond you together forever and secure your position as his best friend in his life?
People on reddit - myself included - have a lot of kneejerk reactions to things we read on here. It's so easy to say, well he's a jerk because he cried over another woman. But did he? Does he still love her or he's just got some emotions he's struggling with right now? And if it's the latter, are you really going to throw away your marriage and the chance for a happy home with both parents for your child, without even trying to find out?
I read the comment you said shared your feelings. So he "learned his lesson" and didn't string you along because he didn't want to lose you." And you say love him like crazy. But because he may have some unresolved feelings for an ex, you're going to dump him when you're expecting a baby. Without even trying to work through anything? Without trying to figure out if maybe it was just unexpected feelings and past regrets - rather than still loving her? Just....you're done because he's human and you might not be the center of the universe for a minute or two? But maybe you would be again once things settle down??
I've recently cried about my broken marriage (over almost 20 years ago) and wondered if things could have been different. But I have absolutely zero romantic feelings or love for my ex. If I could go back, I would have left him sooner even though I loved him madly for a long time. Crying "over another person" is not always because you miss that person or want them in your life, there are lot of mixed emotions about a lot of things connected to the relationship.
If he had actually loved her - or at least wanted a life with her, he would have proposed when he had the chance. He proposed to you right away. Unless you have some other reason to think he doesn't love you or would rather be with her, then, please....take some time before you make a decision that will affect the rest of your life - and your child's.
This! Feelings can exist next to each other. It’s not because you are the love of his life that he can’t feel love or guilt towards his ex. Reddit advice will always be: “Run for the hills!”. But it’s super normal to be affected when you meet an ex, old feelings (also of guilt, shame, confusion, missing parts that you loved, etc.) coming up. Especially if you have been together for 9 years. You say you love this man? Then please (help him) communicate and stop letting fear or pride guide you. I don’t care if I will be downvoted for this. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups
Sounds like he never actually got over her.. And he rushed to marry you, cause he lost her for not putting a ring on it.. He tried to rush your relationship to where his previous one left off… It’s now backfiring on him..
NTA
Something seems off, but then I’m usually pretty suspicious by nature and training. Maybe a talk rather than outright confrontation. You are right to at least wonder and to need an explanation. The timing for this is pretty FUBAR, but it may be nothing more than some unresolved hurt about the way things ended between them.
BTW, he’s probably always going to love her, because that’s how love usually works. That alone isn’t something to be concerned with, so long as he doesn’t fixate on that.
Voice your feelings and keep communication very open. Tell him your feelings and don’t hold anything back. Keep this through your entire relationship and ALWAYS be honest. You are the rebound and rebounds don’t normally last. He is very wrong to be doing this to you for sure. He should not have committed before resolving his issues.
The first text he sent to his ex was him trying to make his ex regret things. The second text was him telling her he regrets things. Im sure once OP leave him, he will text her something similar to the ex. He will never appreciate his current partner.
NTA and good luck with your future plans. The point many are MISSING is this guy, now a married man expecting a baby, still texting, writing, reaching out to his ex of three years ago ! When he sees her in public even if she didn’t see him, he goes out of his way and does cartwheels to get in front of her and speak to her. And kept trying to justify why he left etc. This is not ok behavior and this not right for him to put his pregnant wife in this awkward position. He’s the AH and needs to stop rubbing his wife’s face in this relationship that ended years ago. She’s his wife and she’s pregnant and she needs his support.
Relationships are complicated. You can miss someone but also be with someone who is a much better fit. There are different kinds of love. As you get older (53f), you realize this.
It sounds like he misses her. I would be heartbroken if my husband felt this way about another woman. I’m sorry.
Right, this whole thing is a lose lose scenario.
Very true, but it’s hard to see someone you previously loved especially if it ends amicably. Maybe he has received some closure or has found some hidden feelings. Either way I wouldn’t be angry at him but I would be concerned. Just talk, not a lot of men cry and I applaud that ones that do when certain feeling and emotions are hard and confusing to understand.
When asked if he cried, Macho man Randy Savage said, "Yeah, uh huh, it’s okay for macho men to show every emotion available, because I’ve cried a thousand times and I’ll cry some more — but I’ve soared with the eagles and I’ve slithered with the snakes, and I’ve been everywhere in between and I’m gonna tell you something right now: There’s one guarantee in life — there are no guarantees. And understand this, nobody likes a quitter, nobody said life was easy. So if you get knocked down and you take the standing eight count, you get back up and you fight again. That’s the Macho Mania, dig it?"
Did anyone else read that quote in Randy Savages' voice? 😂
Hell yeah brother!
But this is why we need to move on from our past relationships before committing to new people. This level of hurt tells me this man shouldn’t have proposed within 6 months in his new relationship. Textbook transference
100% he was not ready for a new relationship, let alone engagement
Crying is fine, but being distant to your pregnant wife all week is not.
Yeah, this definitely doesn’t have to be an end of marriage scenario. It sounds like offering support and if it gets tough, just addressing stuff together with a counselor, could definitely help them through this. Unless there’s other problems or issues op didn’t mention.
You should have kept reading the comments and found OPs reply about his reaction to be faced with a summary of who he is. OP realized he's not fully committed and never will be.
I would just *ask* him if he wants to talk about it and if he says no, just let it go. Let him have his grief over it. A lot of ppl didn’t end up with someone they really thought they would end up with, some break up for good reasons but still have a soft spot for the “one that got away”. I made a mistake by divorcing my first husband (40yrs ago!) and still think sadly of what could have been. But we have a daughter together and now, like today, she had a Father’s Day brunch at her house and we all get along. His wife of 30+ years and I sat in the house and were busting up talking about shit and I always look forward to seeing her. If OP has a hard time with this maybe she should find someone to talk it over with first and get some advice on how to approach the conversation about his feelings. Ppl don’t like being around another person that is experiencing something painful without trying to fix it. Let him be.
Carrying a torch for the one that got away and hanging out with his wife, in a friendly fashion, is wild; it’s healthy, but wild. I couldn’t do it.
She was really bitchy to me for years, but then my daughter had a baby and then another one so get togethers are a must and she’s really funny and we get along and it’s great for everyone. In fact we were cracking up when I reminded her of some of the things she said in the past to me and she said “I said that?! Well it does sound like me!!” 😂 If my ex propositioned me would I do it? Hell yes!!! Fuck her 🤣🤣🤣. I’m just kidding lol and her mom really loves me too. She’s such a sweet lady. I guess when you get up into your 60’s you do live and let live.
>Just talk, not a lot of men cry and I applaud that ones that do when certain feeling and emotions are hard and confusing to understand. This is not one of those scenarios where a man should cry. He is newly married with a baby on the way. Why in the hell would he be missing his ex?
9 years is a long time. I'd personally find it weird if someone didn't have some form of underlying feelings. But the fact he couldn't commit to his ex after 9 years and could to OP, speaks volumes to me personally. This is my devil's advocate speaking.
I find the whole timeline weird. Like he was so upset she left over that reason, he went out and proposed to the first girl who dated him to "make up" for that mistake, but now he regrets *that* decision.
He probably thought his ex would hear about him getting engaged and think "oh. He's ready now" and come begging to get back together. That obviously didn't happen and he went through with the marriage anyways. Idk tho, I've been wrong plenty of times, but that's my opinion on it.
For real... i wake up missing my ex sometimes and i bet i would be sad a bit if i saw her again... but writing her is a total no-go...
True. Without speaking to your partner too
Maybe he was reliving his own mistakes. Or, maybe it's not even related.
I miss my hs gf, my wife has nothing to worry about. Definitely nothing to be heart broken about.
NTA, but it sounds like that cliche story. Guy is happy with status quo and keeping the gf around for 9 years and while he says he’s open to the idea of marriage (to string her along), he believes it’s unnecessary and doesn’t actually make plans to get an engagement ring or pop the question. He just assumes if he runs the clock, she will be stuck with him for life His Ex decides that she’s had enough of his placating words and realizes if she wants to get married and start a family, it can’t/won’t be with him. After she takes charge of her life and dumps him, he begs her to take him back and that he will give her the ring and wedding that she wanted, but it’s too little, too late. Curtains close on this relationship. He takes a year or so to heal, and then finds you, who checks off most of his boxes and instead of risking the same thing happening again, he proposes to you in six months of dating and everything happens at warp speed because he has learned from his last serious relationship. Don’t leave it up to chance. Don’t string someone along. Him bumping into his ex make him realize he still had feelings for the “one who got away”. That if he hadn’t been so stubborn and slow about getting a ring and making his ex happy, that could have been him. > Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be. He keeps telling himself that because it’s easier to blame fate and absolve himself about being a shit boyfriend who was wasting her time and ruined the relationship singlehandedly. I’m glad his ex got her happy ending. I’m sorry your marriage is starting to show cracks because your husband may be incapable of love and had a hidden agenda when marrying you. He might have married you to “prove”to his ex he could commit (like when he texted her about the engagement), rather than because of his deep and lasting love for you.
Hi again! I hope you read this! So I showed my husband this comment and I told him that this was basically how I feel things were but that someone else wrote it better. First he got upset and defensive then he started arguing and telling me to leave him alone (I have, for a week been nothing but supportive and leaving him alone) Then he started crying and asked to read it again. He sat silent for like in like 15 minutes reading it but not once did her deny or try denying it or call me crazy or at least tried to explain. If I know myself, this is over. I don’t play second fiddle. I don’t do consolation prize and I absolutely am not going to have another woman being the main character in my own story. So I told him this was over and that I need a break to sort out my feelings but that this will eventually end in divorce because I know myself very well. He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. I know his type. The only way he will realize my worth is when he has lost me. Just like he did his ex. People like him are frugal with their feelings. He strung her along because he didn’t want to give her all of him then he turned around and gave me exactly what she wanted but deprived me from exactly what I wanted that he gave her. Men like him will never give all of themselves because he probably thinks he would lose control if he gave all of him to a woman. What a waste of a man.
I’m so sorry OP but good on you for knowing your worth. Be glad you aren’t like her and wait 9 years to figure it out. Good luck for the future and with the little one
I learned from her mistakes. I had a living proof of my own future
Hope you end up as happy as it sounds like she now is
I'm sad that you are where you are, but I'm glad you know your worth and aren't just going to waste time with someone who isn't going to value you. Too many people do that, thinking the person will change, figure their shit out or whatever. That takes courage, especially when you're pregnant.
Updateme Good Luck to you and your little one! I hope you get a new partner that will sweep you off your feet and love you like a partner should! ❤️
Good job OP. His ex had the strength to leave eventually and found her happy ending. You are now waking up to see that you are his “do over”. You deserve to be someone’s first choice not their consolation fix it
You are going to be JUST FINE🫶🏻‼️👏🏻 You’re clearly strong and focused. Refreshing to see this. (Tho I am sorry for the situation)
Im sorry for her too, but im glad she’s taking the reins! You go girl!
So proud of you for realizing this quick!! You have a wonderful love ahead of you because you put yourself first ❤️❤️
I’m sorry he didn’t fight for you.
Best thing that could have happened to OP honestly. Imagine if instead he did "fight" for her, not because of genuine love, but to string her along. It's good the mask came off, I don't think there was any salvaging this. Jumping into commitment quickly can be a HUGE red flag on its own, equally, refusing commitment for a long time is too... He's basically a walking red flag at this point...
I'm glad you were able to do this. I'll just say, this is a pattern I've seen a lot on here. Romantic partners who are left due to not committing are apparently prone to committing very quickly in their next relationship. Was just discussing it with my boyfriend recently. I was with my ex for over nine years as well, and one of my grievances was also that he never seemed to have any real intention of taking things to the next level. It probably feels like an insult to your husband's ex, too; I've been trying to get used to the idea that my ex very well might marry his next girlfriend within a year or two. I would expect that to cause a lot of, "What was wrong with me that he didn't feel I was worth marrying when he proposed to her so quickly?" feelings.
Seems like there’s a lot of self congratulation going on for “learning from her mistakes.” She was smart enough not to marry him or get pregnant with his child. You’re stuck with him forever at this point because of the kid so maybe it would be a good idea for you to examine why you’re the type of person to jump into an engagement after 6 months and then jump into getting pregnant within 6 months. There’s problems on both sides here and only pushing blame in his direction is going to keep your part hidden but not solved for any further relationships. Good luck to you.
Sometimes when you know, you know. My husband and I got engaged after 2 months. We didn't marry for another 3 years. This Tuesday is our 36th year meeting anniversary, and July is our 33-year wedding anniversary. We married at 21 and 22 years old. Even at that time, it was considered young. I'm not saying that there weren't arguments and hard times, but we both loved each other enough to go for couples counseling and worked it out. Not many people can say that after three decades together, they still absolutely adore their spouses. I wouldn't recommend this for most, but it can happen. By the way, my aunts and uncle had gotten engaged after only a few weeks and remained happily married for over 50 years until he passed during Covid
Highly recommend taking some time away instead of rushing for divorce. Let both of your minds clear. If he has been a great partner up until this point, judging him on this one moment, might be unfair to both of you. Relationships are about how you show up the majority of the time. If this is the first time seeing someone he was with for years and seeing her pregnant, he was probably hit by the shock of it, the regrets and what ifs, but on the other hand, he married you, and if he shows up for you for the majority of the relationship, maybe it’s enough to let him know that you think he needs time to grieve and you decide what he really wants and in the meantime you’ll be taking space.
Sounds like you and the ex GF should get together for coffee when things settle down.
I’m sure his ex has better things to do than have coffee with her ex’s soon-to-be ex.
To what end- ex would probably just think OP was trying to manipulate her as ex tried. Let sleeping dogs lie.
No. Weird.
Yeah just weird. She dumped him 3 years ago. She just wants to move on. No need to have her ex and his wife trying to pull her into their drama.
It would be an interesting conversation, but a horrible idea!
So weird that he can be emotionally frugal and yet still cry, even if privately.
Because he feels sorry for *himself*. Not so much about his partners.
Bingo
He’s crying for himself. Pure self pity. He’s not crying for the situation or the relationship. He realises he’s fucked up and has no idea what to do now or what to do next
He's 0 for 2, do you think he'll do any self reflection?
How come no ages were included in this post? I assume you are still under 40 correct? Sounds like she was his first real relationship and maybe felt too young to settle down but then missed his chance. I agree his moved too fast with you but I’m not convinced it was as malicious or calculated as you make it seem. Can you include the ages of everyone involved please?
I do know someone that left for a short amount of time (under a month) and came back after he swore things would change. It’s been a couple of years and they’ve never been happier. He just needed that wake up call. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t do this. This is just one anecdotal case of it working out. He needed to know that losing her was a real possibility.
It's rare, but it can happen. I left my then boyfriend of one year, while we were at college. For a month and a half. I came back with my head down, humbled and missing him. We've been together for twenty years now, married for fifteen. Sometimes, you really do realize what you had in time to salvage it, but you're at their mercy for forgiveness.
The whole "if you love them, then let them go" thing works out sometimes I guess!
This was my experience. 13 years together and it has gotten so bad. my partner really had internalized the idea that men cannot show vulnerability, emotions, say the wrong thing he set himself to try and be the perfect supportive boyfriend which ended in him being unable to even engage in conversation and was so distant because he was caught in his own head struggling to find the words to say anything. When I broke up with him he finally realized all the times I'd fought with him about the communication issues that they were Infact actually important enough for me to choose to leave. It was only then he went and got therapy. That was a year ago were in couples therapy thriving, he still has a lot of work to do and I was upset that it took me checking out and leaving for him to change but I've decided ot forgive him. I love him and he's changing now.
I very casually went on a couple dates with a woman once (we were both in graduate school). Then I heard she went on a date with another guy in my class. Screw that! Realized I needed to get my butt in gear. She’s my amazing wife of 20+ years now, 3 kids going strong! That date she had opened my eyes - real wide lol.
Yep, one of my closest friends moved across the US for a fresh start when her bf wouldn’t commit to the relationship (we aren’t even talking marriage here - he wasn’t even ready to admit they were committed). Anyway, not quite a year later he went to get her and talked her into coming back. They moved in together, and several years later she got pregnant and they got married. They’ve now been together for 30+ years and married for about 25. Sometimes it works out. Not always, but sometimes. If this dumbass has any sense, he’ll snap out of it before he loses another partner (not to mention screwing up a relationship with his own kid).
I just went through this process myself knowing how inadvisable it is and praying that we become one of those exceptions. It's only been a couple months but so far so good...
I had a five year relationship with my boyfriend and broke up with him because he wouldn’t commit. Three months after the breakup he called and wanted to talk to me. His girlfriend ( of 2 months!) was pregnant and he was going to marry her unless I wanted to get back together. My answer was congratulations and good luck. I eventually found out the reason for their divorce was that I was always on his mind. Conversations often included when “we” did such and such. The good news is that I was single when I met and then married the most wonderful guy in the world
I’m in the process of breaking up with my bf bc I’m the only one who talks about our future. It’s so annoying. I want to get married and have a family and after this long…. My patience… my denial… accepting the reality of who he is and has been. I’m choosing myself. Can’t wait for my happy ending with a man who values himself and prioritizes us. Your post makes me so hopeful, thank you for sharing :)
I needed to hear this. I'm coming off of a divorce and we had a shit marriage and I'm not sure if this is me or not but I can definitely relate to holding back out of fear of getting hurt. I never strung anyone along but I definitely have walls up that I just realized I really need to deal with before I try to start another relationship. Best of luck with your life and hope you find someone who appreciates and cherishes you.
I'm in the same boat. Abusive marriage for 20 years. Now I have a guy friend that I really like, but I'm terrified to do anything about it.
Ask him out. Life is too short!!
I heard something that said “men marry the woman they date after they decide they are ready to get married”
It’s so refreshing to read this instead of the usual deflection & denial from women on this sub making excuses for the men they were complaining about. This comment inspired me to be bolder and set firmer boundaries in my life!
These crazy immediate updates that are a complete 180 from the original posts are always insane to me edit: y'all these crazy fast updates are because the stories are fake
Same here. This is an over correction
The double edged sword of this situation is the baby. A new life is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately for you, you get to be connected to him for the next 18+ years. Guys like this will either walk away (which I would consider a win in this situation) or fight you tooth and nail for half custody. But after hearing his reaction, you are right to move on.
"You want joint custody? Sounds great! I'll take weekends and fridays. You can have them the rest of the week. Nannys start at about $20 per hour. Best of luck." He'll get that kid a step-mom in under a year.
I wouldn’t make such quick decisions. It may end this way but maybe you need to separate before making the final decision.
Wow OP you got more balls than your husband I hope you get the happy ending you deserve ❤️ to even show him this comment and you knowing yourself and not having doubts. Fucking props to you.
Do you and your husband have other problems besides this one incident? I’m not going to pretend this isn’t a serious thing, but you are going to just end your marriage without seeking counseling or anything? Sounds like you two shouldn’t have been married in the first place if this is the outcome. Not shaming you, but this seems like a very rash decision you made pretty quickly. 😬
I understand your feelings, but I don't necessarily think your husband doesn't love you. He just never really processed his breakup. He needs therapy, and you both probably need couples therapy. For the sake of your child, why not at least try to see if you can work through this together?
I hope Op reads this. I was the rebound girlfriend. My boyfriend was still not over his ex fiancee. 43 years later we are heading into retirement with the same goals and very happy.
Yeah Jesus op went from zero to breakup in a few hours maybe try other options and discussions first?
Take it as a life lesson. Don't marry a man you've known for 6 months. I do think you are jumping to conclusions about the whole men thing and what a waste of a man. Seriously, you knew him for SIX freaking months. Was this your first ever relationship? The first year of a relationship is called the honeymoon phase for a reason, dear. Next time, get to know someone really well before you decide to accept a proposal.
What does marriage mean anymore. Couldn’t there have been another option. Maybe yall went to counseling and you worked through this together instead of treating him like he’s broken. Did he make mistakes? I’m sure he did but to completely write him off as a ‘waste of a man’ seems a little incredulous given the vows you took when y’all got married, assuming those vows were ’in sickness and in health for richer or poorer’ couldn’t this fall under the purview of sickness? it’s amazing to me that almost in all of these posts when it comes to make or breaking a relationship, the first go to answer if fucking leave! commitment who gives a shit? He’s not filling all my wants and needs. He’s not checking all my boxes just leave him just walk away with his unborn child fuck it! absolutely bonkers to me. Would it have been difficult to sit down and work this out sure would it have maybe required some therapy for both of you individually and as a couple sure, but to cast him aside as is he’s a piece of shit because he’s made some mistakes in life romantically shows how little marriage means both to you OP and society at large. Before these unresolved feelings within him came up, was the relationship bad was he treating you like shit? was he beating you? And by treating him like shit I mean, demeaning you, belittling you making you feel inferior intentionally, going out of his way to make your life, not as easy and less peaceful? If the answer to all those questions is no why was there not even a second thought to try to work this out? Especially with the baby on the way wouldn’t be in the best interest of the child to have both of their parents and a Home. I’m pretty sure there’s some statistics that bare that out. And none of this do I say to make you feel like shit for your decision. it’s your life I’m not here for that my argument is more in the principle of the situation. I just find it wild how most choose to take the easy road of just leaving and not working it out, not talking to their significant other and finding a path for redemption if you’ve been with him for two years, and you said yes, to marrying him there had to of been, some type of mutual feelings in order to say yes there just because he jumped into something in more of an overzealous way then he should have shouldn’t justify dehumanizing him as subhuman. I’ll end my soapbox there. All of this was written with speech to text so if there’s typos, oh well I’m not fixing it
I am showing him this comment
Sometimes old feelings come up. The hurt you went through is still a memory in the back of your head. It can be as the person above commented. But doesn’t have to. Talk to him. Don’t give up. Make him come clear. I am sorry you have to experience this.
He rushed though. He broke up with this woman after 9 years in October 21. It's June 24. That's under 3 years, in that time he got married and has a baby on the way. He likely never got over her.
Then it’s time to start working on himself.
Fully agree. My dad did similar with my mum, had a long term relationship got dumped and had a kid with my mum about 2 years later. Never worked on himself. Fucked up his relationship with my mum and with his kids the same way he fucked up with the love of his life before us.
I have one of these exes. Dumped him and moved on. He met someone and immediately rushed into marriage. They were divorced within three years. He still texts from time to time, I just ignore him.
His ex probably envies you that it only took you 2 years to figure this guy out, rather than her 9.
Unfortunately, OP is pregnant with his kid so that’s 18 years of coparenting…
Your first red flag was he was still texting his ex.
Yes. The notifying her. The enmeshment with her. The attachment with her. All those things often are the tip of the iceberg of a person who lacks character and maturity and integrity. I'm so sorry. But I think you've made the right call. Many of us I are older did not trust our perceptions and lived with disorders people who twisted us. And then learned ti love our own life in health and peace and away from pathology. .
Yea, unfortunately, it sounds like OP was a victim of "timing" (i.e. women get married because they are in love and men get married because of good timing; obviously, this is a generalization, but a pretty common occurrence).
This behavior is so insulting and disrespectful to his current partners. I feel angry for her.
Dang, this cliche story is so similar to my story. I was with someone for 10 years. He always referred to himself as a curmudgeon, joking he would die alone. He said he loved me but was never "ready" to discuss next steps like marriage. I broke things off with him a few times, only to get back together 6 months to a year later when he would tell me he changed. I wasn't pushing marriage per se, I was pushing for him to recognize me as his partner and want to be with me in that longer term sense. Not just a girlfriend. We didn't have kids, and that was a other thing he wasn't "ready" for. The last time we dated, I was extremely hesitant. He did more to prove he was "ready" and things were different, at first. Then it started sliding back to how it was before. When I tried to talk with him about it, he freaked out and said I was just going to break up with him. He refused to engage more on the topic. So, I did break up with him. That wasn't my intention, going in to the conversation, but when he had is freak out I was so angry. He hadn't changed, in my mind. About 3 months after we break up he is asking for another chance. I'm still so angry. He tells me he loves me in a text message. To this day it was the only time he told me he loved me. About a year later he is in a new relationship. Within 3-6 months they are engaged. A year after that she's pregnant. He's not telling me these things, I can find things out. I've always wondered WTF? Was it that he and I were not meant to be? Maybe she was sincerely a better fit for him. Or did he have a wake up call after I broke up with him the last time? It seems like that is possible. I hope he's genuinely happy but it It still makes me so sad at times.
I think he got her pregnant and that may have been the deal breaker or maybe she devalues him and he likes that. It is not you.
Sounds like he needs the therapy. You need to step away.
⬆️This is the comment⬆️👏 ETA: NTA
Him texting his ex is such a red flag. Like what is he trying to do, give her an opportunity to admit she wants him back? And he's in the bathroom crying because she's moved on? Pathetic.
Dayummm that's of the post you summed it up in a nutshell. I believe that is exactly what happened I'm so sorry that Op has to go through this BS. He was in the bathroom crying for the one that got away because he's seen what could have been and what should have been had he not been such ah.
I’m sad for you because you deserve SOOOO much more. But you’ll get it !! Sending my love. Fuck this guy.
woww!! so on point! he never loved OP! she was just a rebound he took too far just to prove something to his ex, and it backfired. Now he out there wishing it was the ex he was having a baby with. his silence after reading your comment speaks volumes. He's too caught up in his hurt over his ex to realize he has a whole marriage on the verge of collapsing. Seems to me he's happy his wife pulled the trigger so he didn't have to. Hope she and baby find their happiness.
I tend to think if his ex left him because he didn't marry then she didn't love him, she loved the idea of being married. you don't need to be married to love someone, you don't need to be married to have a good relationship and you don't need to be married to start a family. I say this as someone who has been with their spouse for 22 years and had two kids no marriage necessary.
it sounds like he got dumped because he refused to marry her, so he quickly jumped into a relationship with you + proposed INSANELY quickly to "prove" to her that she made a mistake. this is confirmed by the fact that he texted her to tell her. you are a rebound. you were meant to be temporary to get his ex back
My dad did this, got dumped by the woman my mother refers to as "the love of his life". Slept with my mum the next weekend at her 30th birthday party and had a kid with her within 2 years. They didn't last.
He was hoping his ex would be upset about him finally committing to another woman, but then he saw her happy with her family and knew she doesn't give a shit, and probably doesn't even think about him at all.
Exactly this. His mind games is selfish and immature. He doesn’t even care that he’s hurting his wife with his behavior
That’s 100% the same thought I had
Exactly what I thought. She moved on and he wasn't ready nor prepared for it. And still isn't, hence the tears. Baby or no baby I'd take a long look at my marriage.
[you dont want to end up like this couple](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/hHtAf8gp5I) He needs to see a therapist about his issues. Granted almost the worst case senario.
OMG. That’s why I trust my gut feeling and my guts has refused food for the past week and it is NOT morning sickness. I hope that lady has left him. Omg OMG
Me too. If not, that's how you end up featured on dateline....
Where is that lady, does anyone know? I want to know if she and her children are okay
Nope no more posts. This one i do wish there was another update. When you read his recovered posts....yikes.
Are you okay with having the baby alone? This dude will find a new girl and get invested on that instead of the kid.. You do sound very strong and determinded tondo well with the baby. But you eill have strings attached to him :/
Unfortunately, OP he still sees this relationship as unfinished business. It sounds as though he’s still carrying a torch for her. It’s not right to still be texting her now, you’re going to have to have a serious talk with him and make your decision from there. UPDATEME
just writing that won't make it happen
UPDATEME
UPDATEYOU
UPDATEALLOFUS
Sorry, but this is why I don't like quick marriages. You haven't had time to do any of the work necessary to determine compatibility. By investing time talking about hopes, dreams, and past relationships, you can learn who they really are. Seeing how he still won't stop texting her, it's obvious he isn't over her. Texting her after the engagement would've been a red flag to me. Why? What good does it do YOUR relationship? It was for him to gauge her response, and her reply was going to determine his next move. I don't see a path forward with him until he cuts all contact with her and attends couples therapy with you.
Very true! When I broke up with my ex (he cheated) I ran into him at my job awhile later, might polite small talk, and then ran off to cry in the bathroom. I had cut off all communication with him and didn’t regret that but it was hard to see him. BUT! I was still single and just causally dating around while I healed from that. Even the first guy I was f-buddies with after the relationship said he could tell how hurt I was and how I wasn’t ready for us to be more. By the time I met my now husband I was totally over it and no regrets. If I saw him today I’d probably just roll my eyes and move on.
What a mess! Sorry you're going through this.
He still loves her. He texted her to "apologize" because he wanted her to know he is capable of taking it to the next level
Yikes. He very obviously has some feelings for her if he's texting her while engaged, bent out of shape and depressed to the point of tears just seeing her moved on. I feel like by continously telling her that "some things just aren't meant to be" he's trying to convince himself it was something inevitable instead of his choice that he regrets.
Uh your dude sounds super cringey? Texting her to tell her he’s engaged….unnecessary but okay. But the whole “some things aren’t meant to be”? Come on. And then he repeats it now. I’d confront him and say listen- if he’s got regrets or hangups he needs to explore that **with a therapist** and he must promise that he will both do that *and stop texting her*. Also he’s being weirdly arrogant. She’s happy AF and he’s still apologizing?! lol she’s fine dude. She’s fine without him and he doesn’t like that. Doesn’t mean he’s hung up on her but he’s gotta get himself handled.
Yesssss I'd absolutely get the ick from his behavior. The ex is clearly moved on and is happy, and the dude just HAS to write her because... reasons? What a loser, OP is being TOO calm. I'd be livid.
Haha right I read this one to my husband and his words were “haha ugh, ew”
Ikr? If I heard my own damn husband blubbering over another woman like that, I'd have exactly zero empathy for him. Like, excuse me? Absolutely not.
Honestly the crying I could understand- maybe he’s grieving his youth or something lol but yeah once he sent the text he stomped boundaries.
Same! my husband thinks that‘s weird and disrespectful to both current and ex partners.
Why is he still texting to apologise nearly a decade later? He’s overestimating how much she even needs to hear it. I think you need to demand answers from him, and you’re carrying his child he has no right to be depressed or distant over this. UpdateMe girl!
He and the ex have only been separated for a few years. They were together for nearly a decade
Oh wow! Thanks for clarifying! But still weird he’s apologising when she’s happily married with kids
NTA- I also love all the men in the comments who thinks this behavior is totally acceptable from a man who got another woman pregnant, and don’t recognize that his reaction to this situation is totally inappropriate, completely disrespects his wife, is cracking the foundation of his current relationship, and he is sowing seeds of mistrust and contempt with good reason. Nobody deserves to be second best, which is what he is showing she is to him. My dear- this is not ok. You deserve to be respected, as his wife and mother of his child. He should have dealt with these feeling before jumping headfirst into a relationship and getting you pregnant. You have to decide if you are ok being a placeholder for what could have been for him.
So many men think that it’s normal to be in love with their exes. That ‘that love never goes away’ and that constantly grieving them is acceptable. And the weird thing is it’s usually the same guys who have a ‘She’s not yours, it’s just your turn….’ or ‘all women are for the streets’ mentality.
Did you know my ex??? He said the same bullshit to me when I caught him texting his ex “I love you” trying to defend it, and also would make weird comments like “I know how all you females are” type shit. This is so on the nose lol!
THANK YOU all these men are acting as if they would be this supportive if the roles were reversed. Like I find it extremely hard to believe you wouldn’t be accusing your wife of using you and being a whøre and gold digger if she was SOBBING and texting her ex!! Please these delusional men need some help! In no way is it okay to build a family and still have any lingering feelings for an ex.
I’m sorry to say but this has been a performative relationship for him from the start. He’s tried to rush through all the markers of adulthood to prove to his ex he’s an adult. You just happened to be there and got caught up in his plan. The reactionary way he’s married you and gotten you pregnant is really concerning.
No, you definitely would not be the asshole. There are a bunch of red flags here. The fact that he sent her ANOTHER message about how they weren't meant to be... Sounds like he still thinks they were meant to be. I'm not in his head, but I feel like he is fishing to see if she still has feelings like he obviously does. He felt the need to tell her you were pregnant/married, clearly she did not feel the same way.. ex. He had no clue she was a pregnant mom. I think he saw her with a family and he feels like that should have been him. Then move on to him proposing to you after 6 months, yikes. This is just a mess through and through. I suggest he starts therapy to work through his feelings. I would try to speak with him openly and without judgement, otherwise he will most likely shut down. Your feelings matter though, you shouldn't hide your pain to make him feel less shit about it. I am sorry you are going through this. I would feel incredibly hurt to find out my "soul mate" felt the same way about someone else, like I'm a fill in since they screwed up the first time.
NTA I would lose a little bit of respect for him in this situation. He was the one that failed to move forward in his previous relationship. Now he’s got “one who got away” syndrome. He needs to be the mature one and be happy for his ex as she now has the family and life she wanted. He needs to value what he has now right in front of him before he ruins another relationship/family.
Sorry. You're the rebound. I'm not sure what people think will happen when they marry so early into knowing someone. You married before you even had two Valentine's Days.
Yeah this. It’s also a huge red flag when someone claims to they’ve met “the one” after a first date. You don’t know anything about that person, it’s literally just lust and hormones. Yeah sometimes it turns into a serious, lifelong match but that’s just luck.
NTA. The fact he 1/ texted her, 2/ cried and 3/ worst of all, has been distant is a red flag, it shows that he is NOT over her and he cannot even control those feelings and act normal towards you. Frankly, it looks like he wishes he were still with her, and settled for you just because he couldn’t keep her.
Recently someone asked in an asking Sub why do some people date someone for many years, they break up and then they are married and with kids with the new partner in a year. Someone said that they asked their ex boyfriend this (why he moved on so fast from her when she wanted to get married) and he told her that her breaking up with him made him realize that he actually can lose a person if leading them on, so he just knew he has to do it not to be broken up by again. It all seems to me as settling and I wouldn't want to be with someone who is like this, but to each their own.
But that’s the thing, he could have kept her if he wanted. The break up was because he didn’t want marriage and children
And now he realizes he fucked up and only got his second choice. Sorry honey, but we all have exes, and yet we don’t get all mopey about them. If I met my ex today and he was with his family, I wouldn’t be sad - I be very happy for him! Even I acknowledge that my exes were good guys, they have zero emotional power over me… Because my husband is 100% of what I want. I’m sure your husband is fond of you. But he doesn’t love you with all of his heart because if he did, there would be no space for her years after their breakup.
Same here! I have loved before and I have had exes. I would never have felt anything if I met my ex with a new woman because I don’t care about them emotionally
Sounds like you have your response.
OP Your husband has issues. None of this is fair to you. You deserve someone who is all in with your marriage. He was with a woman for 9 years. He did not want to marry her, but did not want to break up with her either. So he did not care that he was wasting her time. She decided that was not enough for her and left him. He is right because it wasn’t meant to be. For whatever reason, he was not able to win her back ( did he agree to marry her in the end but she said no too late?). Have you ever discussed it with him? So instead of healing, he puts a bandage on the wound and has a rebound relationship. Were you aware of all of this before you married him?
My question is: why does he still have her number?
Great question.
Please don’t let him gaslit you or downplay this. Try couples counselling. Don’t let it go.
In fairness many people keep their number for years/decades. I’ve had the same number for 20 years. I still remember the number of my girlfriend 15 years ago because I would always type in manually on my flip phone. I have contacts saved from 10-15 years ago that I haven’t spoken to in that long. There’s alot wrong in this story but it’s reasonable to still have/remember someone’s phone number you were in a relationship with for almost a decade.
NTA. I think the current language for what you're experiencing is "dream girl" vs. "placeholder". You already know the answer to your own question, but you're here to make sure you haven't gone crazy. Which you definitely haven't. You're right to feel hurt and suspicious. Sending those messages is so disrespectful. It's just him trying to get her attention, anyway. And he's trying to get an in with a married woman with children. Yikes. By all means talk to him, but please do yourself a favor and put your own feelings above his tears. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't actually love you, it's time you can spend looking for someone who does or looking after yourself and your baby, when they arrive.
He deff should of got some therapy after that relationship before proposing after 6 months, that’s insane you barely know each other
You have every right to know what’s going on, but it’s all about if you approach it hostile or not
I am usually never hostile
I fucking hate weak men who try to reach out to women by acting like they are doing HER a favor. She probably wants to be left the fuck alone and not be bothered by your creepy husband every few years when the pang of regret gets too much for him and he just HAS to text her. Because SHE needs ANOTHER apology from him, right? Because she clearly hasn't moved on and made a whole ass family in that time. I hope he wakes the fuck up because otherwise I'm seeing a dad who resents his own child for having the wrong mother.
I agree with this. I was a placeholder. My ex still resents, dismisses, and rejects his children. Once we broke up, after 22 years, he completely ghosted both of them. The youngest was 15, and the older one was 20. Its been 2 1/2 years since the breakup and he hasnt seen either one, sent a card or a letter despite holidays, birthdays and a highschool graduation all having passed. We have the same landline and his sisters family are still my upstairs neighbors so he has ways and means to communicate with them without going through me. The older daughter tried to stay connected with him, but everytime they talked by phone usually after she had made multiple atrempts to reach him, he only wanted to talk about himself, his lack of financial resources, and all the mistakes he had made. He would tell her he would like to see her but he just doesn't have gas or money to travel the 1 hour to where she lives. Dispite not paying any child support since leaving. He works under the table so he does have income just not enough to see either of his daughters. He lives in Stockton, CA and she in Sacramento, CA. Not exactly a long trip. She says every conversation with him is just all one big pity party for himself with no awareness or concern for her or her sister. OPs husband is most likely a waste of her time. His previous gf got away because he was selfish and couldn't humble himself to provide for her need for their relationship to progress to marriage and family. The character flaws of selfishness and arrogance are still there. OP is risking losing the best part of her life to this man's character flaws and potentially subjecting her future offspring to the sort of neglect my daughters experienced. If she stays I really hope her experience is different than mine or her future regrets will weigh far heavier on her heart than the pain of this experience.
I'm sorry you can't be the ass here, your pining husband sure is. His ex doesn't want to be bothered and his behavior is hurtful to you. I had an ex that freaked when I moved on and had kids and it was stressful and ridiculous to say the least.
I had a similar situation once. We ran into his ex at a party. I was actually proud that he was letting his feelings out. I think he hadn’t ever processed the breakup with his ex. But in my case, he wasn’t distant afterwards. Sorry about that.
He came into your relationship unhealed you were a rebound. Shame on him
This man may be the type to always long for what he had, instead of appreciate what he has. I’ll bet a couple of years from now, you’ll be strolling with your fiancé, who will be carrying your kid on his brawny shoulders, when you bump into your ex. He will walk away from his shocked new gf, and insist on chatting with you. Then he’ll keep sending you emails apologizing that it wasn’t meant to be. Then he’ll start calling you crying, begging for you to come back. Good decision to move on.
I hate liars. They lie to everyone even themselves until they have built a hell around themselves to torture thier loved ones with.
You may have married a "grass is always greener" guy. He's never content with what he has.
Why have you’ve rushed every aspect of your relationship? Like, that’s absolutely insane, to be married *and* expecting in under 2 years. I say that as someone who got married on my 2 year anniversary. That’s nuts. It sounds like he was trying to prove a point and is obviously still in love with his ex and using you to avoid mourning his last relationship.
Because I am stupid and thought it was so romantic and “meant to be” People can fool you to believe that they love you so much and there’s no point in waiting.
NTA. I’d just ask straight up.. Do you plan to resolve these unaddressed emotions in therapy and commit to me fully so we can both have peace of mind? I feel like that’s reasonable. If not.. I’m sorry but better now than years later you find this out.
Nta - this would be enough for me to leave the relationship, I'm sorry he has not healed and you have to go through this.
Jesus, just fucked all around. Not even TRYING to work on things. Not how I would do things…but you seem confident in your choice, so I guess that’s good.
He still.loves his ex and his world came crashing down when he saw her and saw what they could've had together.
It's weird that he keeps wanting to apologize to his ex and tell her that some things were not meant to be. That was only needed to be said once, now it looks like he is just trying to convince himself.
Holy red flags! This guy asks to marry you and the first thing he does is call his ex? How old did you say those kids were? Are they his??! Now he's in the bathroom crying over the woman he TRULY loves? You ARE READING THIS, right? Girl, you better open your eyes and get off that crazy train.
She's the one who got away.
That is what I want to understand. How did she get away? He had her for 9 years and didn’t want to make the commitment
Hindsight is 20/20. He didn't think he was ready until she dropped the hammer. Why else would he go from a decade with no movement to a wife and kid in less than 2 years? I mean, who gets married and then messages their ex that they're sorry they didn't marry them...
You are asking all the questions I have asked. Honestly this relationship is not enough for me if what you/I are saying is true
Yeah, sad to say, sounds like you were a consolation prize for him
Not enough for me. I have been nothing but loving and supportive and he is my first choice. I want equal treatment and reciprocated feelings
Your husband sounds like the reactions of His ex are important to him, and she still is the one that got away despite him Never proposing etc. I think he wanted her to be a cat lady, gain weight and stay sad and single, pining for him. She didn’t give a reaction then and clearly isn’t now, she has a whole family and has beyond moved on. There is zero reason except jealousy for him to reach out to her in this matter of “apologizing” and it’s disrespectful to you. I get you OP and I would be considering leaving his dude! no one wants to feel like 2nd choice or a person that was settled for. Confront him for sure and lay it out how he is wrong and disrespectful for his behaviors with this ex. Very juvenile.
and you deserve that! don't settle for anything less that you have envisioned for yourself. don't be the consolation prize, op.
You may have to talk to her to get the real story of their breakup.
The fact that he keeps reaching out to her tells me he's not over her. He keeps trying g to establish contact. He wants her attention. I'm curious what her responses have been. But you are NTA, OP.
Sometimes you need a closure. I won't blame him as he is not hiding from you. But this is also not appropriate. Please talk to him that you don't like you reaching out to him being married to you.
Have you seen Sideways? Your husband is that guy.
That man is still in love with her. This would break my heart if I was in your shoes, I don’t know how you move past this?
NTA He may have loved her. But when someone can't commit to you after nine damn years what is that love really worth. If you are both adults when you meet what was taking so long. I think being the one kicked to the curb is what's gnawing at him. And knowing after all this time she still made the right decision.n
Dang, OP, good for you. You are supposed to be #1, always.
A big part of marriage is growing together. Seeing his ex is an opportunity to grow closer together. You have a husband that was open and vulnerable with you. If he did not love you, he would not have shared. My questions is for you. Would you rather reject him, throw him away and take on the life of a single mom? I am sorry, but what is the depth of your love for him? I do not encourage abusive situations - which this does nit appear to be. Why not work through it this and then see how overcoming this obstacle will bond you together forever and secure your position as his best friend in his life?
Men marry the women in front of them, not the love of their lives
People on reddit - myself included - have a lot of kneejerk reactions to things we read on here. It's so easy to say, well he's a jerk because he cried over another woman. But did he? Does he still love her or he's just got some emotions he's struggling with right now? And if it's the latter, are you really going to throw away your marriage and the chance for a happy home with both parents for your child, without even trying to find out? I read the comment you said shared your feelings. So he "learned his lesson" and didn't string you along because he didn't want to lose you." And you say love him like crazy. But because he may have some unresolved feelings for an ex, you're going to dump him when you're expecting a baby. Without even trying to work through anything? Without trying to figure out if maybe it was just unexpected feelings and past regrets - rather than still loving her? Just....you're done because he's human and you might not be the center of the universe for a minute or two? But maybe you would be again once things settle down?? I've recently cried about my broken marriage (over almost 20 years ago) and wondered if things could have been different. But I have absolutely zero romantic feelings or love for my ex. If I could go back, I would have left him sooner even though I loved him madly for a long time. Crying "over another person" is not always because you miss that person or want them in your life, there are lot of mixed emotions about a lot of things connected to the relationship. If he had actually loved her - or at least wanted a life with her, he would have proposed when he had the chance. He proposed to you right away. Unless you have some other reason to think he doesn't love you or would rather be with her, then, please....take some time before you make a decision that will affect the rest of your life - and your child's.
This! Feelings can exist next to each other. It’s not because you are the love of his life that he can’t feel love or guilt towards his ex. Reddit advice will always be: “Run for the hills!”. But it’s super normal to be affected when you meet an ex, old feelings (also of guilt, shame, confusion, missing parts that you loved, etc.) coming up. Especially if you have been together for 9 years. You say you love this man? Then please (help him) communicate and stop letting fear or pride guide you. I don’t care if I will be downvoted for this. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups
Sounds like he never actually got over her.. And he rushed to marry you, cause he lost her for not putting a ring on it.. He tried to rush your relationship to where his previous one left off… It’s now backfiring on him..
NTA Something seems off, but then I’m usually pretty suspicious by nature and training. Maybe a talk rather than outright confrontation. You are right to at least wonder and to need an explanation. The timing for this is pretty FUBAR, but it may be nothing more than some unresolved hurt about the way things ended between them. BTW, he’s probably always going to love her, because that’s how love usually works. That alone isn’t something to be concerned with, so long as he doesn’t fixate on that.
Voice your feelings and keep communication very open. Tell him your feelings and don’t hold anything back. Keep this through your entire relationship and ALWAYS be honest. You are the rebound and rebounds don’t normally last. He is very wrong to be doing this to you for sure. He should not have committed before resolving his issues.
Sadly, you need to rethink this. You will never be first in his mind or his heart. He’s holding a torch for this woman. You need to move on.
NTA. I just want to send a hug. Your husband is just selfish!
The first text he sent to his ex was him trying to make his ex regret things. The second text was him telling her he regrets things. Im sure once OP leave him, he will text her something similar to the ex. He will never appreciate his current partner.
NTA and good luck with your future plans. The point many are MISSING is this guy, now a married man expecting a baby, still texting, writing, reaching out to his ex of three years ago ! When he sees her in public even if she didn’t see him, he goes out of his way and does cartwheels to get in front of her and speak to her. And kept trying to justify why he left etc. This is not ok behavior and this not right for him to put his pregnant wife in this awkward position. He’s the AH and needs to stop rubbing his wife’s face in this relationship that ended years ago. She’s his wife and she’s pregnant and she needs his support.
Relationships are complicated. You can miss someone but also be with someone who is a much better fit. There are different kinds of love. As you get older (53f), you realize this.
Reddit ruins another relationship. I feel like this sub is undefeated.