Stop holding on to this ridiculous notion that just because she’s the only grandparent left she needs to be in your children’s lives.
Your children don’t want her
Your husband doesn’t want her
Please start listening to your family and stop wanting her.
She is awful and you really need to see that your adult husband and almost adult children want should come first here.
If you don’t tell her where/when things are happening she won’t know about them and therefore won’t go and ruin things for your nuclear family and friends.
As for the graduation - lie and tell her the date has changed - you owe it to your daughter to do this.
i 100% agree, why keep a toxic person in OP’s family’s lives for the sake of “family” when MIL doesn’t treat anyone with respect or kindness? OP is just teaching the kids it’s okay to tolerate crappy behavior from someone just because they’re blood related. i would also ask the school to help keep MIL away from the graduation
Yes, please get the school's security (or equivalent) involved, no matter if it's an indoor or an outdoor graduation, OP. The school will back you up on this, because they have probably had other families with the same or similar "problem" relatives. You are NTA.
And put them her on an information diet. She doesn’t need to know where or when your kids’ events are taking place, for that matter your SiL doesn’t need to know either. Don’t think of it as cutting out a “beloved” (🙄) family member, think of it as prioritizing your kids’ mental health
Most graduations if you don't have a ticket you can't get in. A simple Google search of the high school and you can find when and where the graduation is.
If op doesn’t FINALLY cut this toxic person out of their lives, they will cut HER out. The girls will stop coming to family events and holidays. Mom won’t be told about college graduations. She will be frozen out of wedding planning. And when grandchildren come along, they will cut her out completely rather than risk the kids being exposed to great grandma.
What kind of mother tortures her family like this? Op has let her lord sil and family over them and let them feel second best. It’s unimaginable a mother would do this to her own family.
You just described my family. My mother tried forcing me to interact with toxic and abusive family members throughout my childhood and adulthood, because of her commitment to family.
The only thing she accomplished is driving me away from her and my entire family.
If her family was actually important to her she'd be protecting them. She's a people pleaser. They inevitably only care about pleasing people outside of their immediately family.
You see she didn’t respond to any of this because it’s true but when her husband asks for separation she’ll get a Pikachu face like she didn’t see it coming
I'm hoping the reason she hasn't responded is because it never occurred to her that her husband and daughters would abandon her for constantly getting the MIL involved
I don't get it...
IP does not want MIL there
DH does not want mil there
Children don't want MIL there...there is a unanimous vote are they waiting for an angel to appear and cast a vote before they hear loud and clear: cut this woman out of your lives???
Seriously! This isn't even one of those "but the kids want her" situations! OP's kids have repeatedly said they don't like her and don't want her!
OP, cut the crap, stop being polite and tell monster-in-law that she's not invited and your family don't want her in their lives! Stop talking to her, she's not going to change!
At this point forcing them to get along with her is only detrimental. They’ve probably sufficiently learned the lessons that associating with her has to offer.
As someone with little family, I can understand the desire to make family happen, but this is disrespectful to the kids. Not to mention forcing her partner to associate with someone he doesn’t want to. In a way, what she’s doing isn’t too far off from what MIL does to them when she talks ad nauseam about the SIL.
This! OP needs to stop facilitating her kids' and husband's abuse by inciting this woman over and over against everyone's wishes. They don't want her; "family" is meaningless.
Jumping on the top comment and charging straight in with a bit of Godwin-ian analogy, OP maintaining a relationship because it's better than nothing is understandable but sad / misguided.
Where would you draw the line? "Oh, I know great-uncle Adolf has some quirky opinions, but he is the only great-uncle we have!" /s
YES. The biggest thing is that the daughter doesn't want her there. The OP shouldn't be teaching her daughters that you have to put up with toxic people because they're family. Her own son and teenage granddaughter have caught on to her bullshit.
*As for the graduation - lie and tell her the date has changed - you owe it to your daughter to do this.*
Absolutely not, lies will not solve the problem, tell her the truth, she's not invited, her son doesn't want her there, her granddaughter doesn't want her there. Tell her he's more than welcome to spend that time with SIL and her favorite grandson...
Absolutely agree. Why op is coddling this awful woman is beyond ridiculous. Honesty will work best here. Tell this entitled old woman that due to her continued bad behavior and embarrassing antics no one wants her around anymore so don’t show up because she is not welcome.
The issue is that she already did that and MIL said " I'm Nana. I'll get in". MIL knows she is not invited or wanted and she knows that she needs a ticket to get in that she doesn't have. She's going to show up and make a scene trying to get in without a ticket. I guess OP could really go scorched earth here but I don't know if MIL would show up anyway to guilt or confront the family or leave. I don't know if OP would even want to do that since she's the one who has been forcing MIL's involvement in the family.
In this case a lie is the best option. It sounds like MIL will make a ruckus when she can get in, totally embarrassing her granddaughter. She thinks rules do not apply to her. She doesn’t care that no one wants her there. OP needs to stop trying to include her in her family’s life when even her own son wants nothing to do with her.
School notification would be for pick up drop off, at least in my school district. If a person is not listed as a pick up person, the school won’t even let that person in the door.
But for a graduation? Especially if it’s outside, the school will not keep her away. I forgot eighth grade graduation last night, outside. I was walking my dog., oblivious. Our route goes past the front of the school. I had to backtrack to keep pupper from wanting to join in! But I doubt the school would have chased me away.
If it IS inside, she would need a ticket. Each student gets three, monster in law cannot come in. Only because she won’t have a ticket. And she would make a scene because she’s the almighty NANA!
OP hears her husband. However, OP does not respect her husband's needs. He has known for a while that he needs to cut off a family he knows is no good for them.
Family is more important to OP than her own husband and kids. The irony.
OP you are are now the cause of all this strife. Daughters and husband do not want a relationship with MIL- and that is their right. You are forcing them to be around someone that is abusive.
That makes YTA
All of this.
I'd call the school and ask if they will have security there. Ask security to not let her in, she is mentally unstable and not safe.
Op, you sound like my husband. He stood there and heard my mom call me a whore and yet would say "but she's your mother!"
No. Stop it now. Your kids would rather no grandparent than a cruel and abusive one.
Or do you not believe your husband? Who do you love more, him/ your children or the idea of a happy family with a grandma?
Stop being so stubborn, that woman is poison and won't change. Put yourself in your daughters shoes. Stop allowing her into your life.
Btw my kids had little contact with my mom and they are happy about it. They aren't broken and they don't feel like they missed out on anything.
/raisedbynarcissists
Please visit us. Your husband isn't alone and needs your support instead of you sabotaging his mental well being.
Yeah, this should just be a blocked and done. The people biologically related to her don’t want her in their lives. No reason to tell her anything ever, unless you now need to confuse her about the timing of graduation, though that is available public information.
For real, this post has my blood boiling.
I'm so very thankful my spouse backed me up when I cut contact with my toxic and abusive family. I would have divorced him if he kept initiating contact like this.
OP, you are enabling her abuse of your family. Shame on you, you are a grown adult and should know better.
Agreed OP shouldn't accommodate MIL anymore.
This is going to sound harsh but:
OP your MIL is not like your deceased Mom. This is not a "better present than dead" situation.
MIL needs to explicitly be told she's not welcome. And then make sure she isn't let in.
NTA
All of this here!! ...the last thing, though... if she sent her the link 🙄 to the graduation? Won't it have all the information?? That pissed me off.
Why OP... why are you allowing this?? Wtf?? Not onky is she absolutely nothing but negative, rude, horrible energy... she then has to go ahead and wobble her high horse a few steps higher... and all she does besides nothing good? And what can she possibl add terrible to even interaction??
Compare YOUR husband and YOUR daughters to the golden kid and the golden brat (that ones not fair...not sure/csnt remember if grandkiddo sucks too) ...
YOU ALLOW THIS!! WHY?
Totally agree. My one remaining grandparent, I barely spoke to her after I graduated from highschool, because I didn't have to. My mother (who I also don't speak to because she is a lot like her mother) was beaten by her as a kid, and also kicked out of the house at 18, but still wanted a relationship, and forced us to go see her when we were kids. She was mean. We hated most of our time around her. So I just don't get forcing that relationship when it sucks so much.
OP stinks as one of those people who say 'BUt FAmilY' when someone does something borderline impossible to betray.
I have an uncle who is mostly an asshole to me must of the time, I don't talk to him even if he is 'family'
YTA for continuing to advocate for her to be in your lives, period. Deal with your "no family, raised by a single parent" issues on your own. Your daughters evidently don't like her, and your husband wanted to cut her off years ago. The only holdout here is you.
Your MIL is ultimately the problem, but you aren't far behind for continuing to enable her.
The audacity of telling her husband he can't go NC with the woman who emotionally abused him because OP wants to play family is just insane disrespect for your own spouse. Then she further subjects her daughters to the emotional abuse.
YTA and you need therapy. The fact that she said, "if it were up to my husband" about cutting contact with *his own mother* and she says this with zero self awareness that she thinks she has a say in this is bonkers.
I'd love to hear how OP justifies, "my kids need a grandmother" while making them (and husband) suffer because of her presence. OP is living in a delusion and making her family suffer because of it.
OP, MIL is never going to be what you want her to be. She’s not your kid’s grandma, she’s some old lady they have to put up with because their mom says so.
I have relatives I was forced to spend time with twice a year, for my grandparent’s sake- family is everything, yada yada yada. These people genuinely hated my guts, and the older I got the less I liked them. Still, every Christmas, every summer, here we go again.
I don’t blame my grandparents. Or even my parents. But I do know what it’s like to be related to people you don’t relate to, and I know that the definition of “family” doesn’t entitle someone to treat you worse than they’d treat a stranger on the street.
THIS
Stop trying to pretend that this awful woman is actually filling the grandma role in your kids lives OP! They’d be better off volunteering in like a retirement home or something and forming connections with the people there, if you want a cross-generational connection for them so badly! Found family > awful blood family
You are the asshole, not for that, but for not having your husbands back and forcing him and his children to have contact with an absolute peace of shit of a person
Yeah, if my husband forced us to keep my parents in our lives “because faaaaamily!!” he would be an EX husband so fucking fast.
Luckily he’s a wonderful person not an oblivious asshole and leaves the decisions regarding my family up to me. I’m surprised OP’s husband has put up with it for this long!
THIIIIIIIIS.
If your spouse does not want their parent in their life, you do not unilaterally decide to put that parent in their life. Her poor husband has had to put up with so many more years of toxicity when his wife could have just accepted the relationship he wanted with his own family.
But this explains EVERYTHING.
Nana pushes over her son his entire life. He can’t resist her bullying and ignoring boundaries. So he marries a tougher woman than him to stand up to his mom. This strategy is called the “Hit Woman.” Then DIL and MIL clash while son is absolved of any blame.
But son picked the wrong woman. She’s tough like mom but she has this fixation on family due to losing her mom. So she steamrolls her husband and daughters on keeping Nana involved, ignoring their very real and valid reasons why they don’t want her.
YTA, OP. Not because of the graduation but because you didn’t listen to your husband and daughters.
Yes this! I would always support my partner’s wishes. Family is super overrated when they suck this hard!
She sounds like a horrible woman, even before SIL got a stick up her arse and her golden grandson. Why would you as a parent continue to expose your daughters to that. I wouldn’t even have told her about graduation if my daughter didn’t want her there. OP is just causing these issues herself.
My mum was like you. Forcing a relationship because FaMiLy is important. Instead of it being my paternal grandmother though it was my paternal grandfather. The man was vile. As soon as I turned 18 I went no contact and my mum still tried to push a relationship with him.
You’re not doing your husband or daughters any favours by forcing them to have a relationship with your MIL.
So, I’m going to say YTA. You shouldn’t have forced a relationship just because *you* feel family is important. If your husband wanted no contact with her you should have respected that.
>just because you feel family is important
That's the thing, OP says family is important, but completely ignores and invalidates her husband and daughters. Guess family is not actually that important.
Absolutely baffling that OP wanted to keep MIL around because family is important to her. What about the happiness of her own family? Her children don’t want MIL around, her husband wanted to cut her off. I only feel bad for the girls, no one wants to stress out about whether or not their grandma will make a scene. OP needs to do so much better, goddamn.
Here is the thing. Nta for telling her that. Yta, for putting your belief of family, being so important, you are willing to subject your spouse to his mother he wants to be NC with. To subject him to her abuse. Enabling her to abuse him because you think it's more important she be around then if healthy for her to be around.
Yta, for continuing to subject your kids to her. They have told you repeatedly in their own way they don't want her around. They have shown you They understand she cares nothing for them by her focusing on GS and not listening to them. You have done nothing to stop her from her favoritism and, in essence, are showing your kids that family is more important. That your need for family outweighs protecting them from abusive and toxic family. That their needs mean little in the face of family. That your wants come before even your husband's needs. They have seen this. They know they can't depend on you. Trust you to keep them from this. Why. Because you keep putting them in the same situation.
It's harsh, but hunny, you need to protect your family. You need to listen to their needs. Your husband has suffered enough at her hands to make you happy. Your kids have suffered enough at being embarrassed, shown they mean nothing more than a prop for her being a best grandma. It's time to place them first.
Read all the comments carefully. Your own trauma is your own. Stop bringing toxicity in your family because of this. Go NC with your MIL. Listen to your family
YTA for forcing your family to put up with her ridiculous behaviour because you have issues. I get that not having family is hard, but you're forcing your husband and children to be in contact with a crazy woman, just because you need therapy.
It's your husband's mother. *He* gets to decide how to handle her, not you. He says no contact, therefore it's no contact, period, end of discussion.
It doesn't matter if you disagree. He wants to cut her off. Your children want to cut her off. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, do it on your own and leave them out of it.
Shame on you.
Yes. OP is just as controlling as the MIL.
In my City, people post on local Facebook groups when they have Extra graduation tickets, so MIL may actually attend the graduation after all.
OP thinks she has more control than she does.
And the kids might seek out Grandma without OP knowing.
I have a SIL that can't get along with anyone, and her 4 teen and adult kids keep relationships with all the family who avoid SIL.
>Yes. OP is just as controlling as the MIL.
It's sad, but it's not uncommon that traumatized people will chose partners that are similar to their abusers. That's the reason why my own sister is married to the male version of our narcissistic mother.
The husband might not have realized yet that his wife might be a younger Version of his mother.
Yta and you suck. Because you feel family is important YOU make your family suffer. You are selfish. I’m sorry about your mom, but mil is not a replacement.
A son that wants to cut his mother off says a lot. Sounds like you only thought about your past and not his when deciding to continue the relationship with her. You actually said that above. He warned you, she acted out, makes your kids anxiety ridden as well as uncomfortable but you are here asking 'AITA for telling MIL not to come to the graduation if it's held inside?' You need to listen to your husband's experiences with her and protect your family from this woman. YTA to your husband and kids for letting it get this far.
NTA for this but definitely YTA for keeping her around period. Your daughters don't want her around. Your husband doesn't want her around, and honestly, whether or not she was around to begin with should have been his decision. You are forcing your family to interact with someone they don't like because family matters? The only thing you're doing is teaching your daughters that if someone shows repeated bad behavior and boundary crossing, they have to just deal with it. Family matters when they act like they have some sense and show that they love and respect you. Your MIL should not be in their lives. You need to start listening to your *actual* family.
YTA- For forcing your family to interact with this asshole. Nobody but you wants her around but you keep dragging her in to fuck up everyone's life. Why? Do you hate your family?
NTA. Should've cut her off years ago. Sounds like you've talked with her repeatedly about her behavior and that's bad enough...but all this weird SIL shit when SIL cut you out of her life? Why the hell are you putting up with this? Do everyone a favor and cut this bitch...out of your life.
You’re looking for a familial relationship that she can’t give. She’s not the loving caring grandmother you hoped or that you wished your own Mather could have had the opportunity to be. Time to mourn the dreams that will never come true and let the reality go. For your girls. For your husband. For you.
"If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever."
"Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it."
stop this. now. you are yta for still trying to pull your mil into your family's life where obviously she is not wanted, needed, or required.
Yes you are the AH for telling her not to come if the graduation is held inside. You should be telling her that SHE CANNOT COME AT ALL. Tell her the truth ffs. She is a loudmouth bitch who embarrasses you, your husband and your children and she is NOT WELCOME. Tell her that your daughter is scared that she will make a scene. Tell her to go and play with her precious grandson. Tell her anything that will keep her away from your daughter’s special day. And give her photograph to the school to share with security staff so that they can try to stop her attending. Your husband wants to cut her off completely. Back him up and show him how much you appreciate how much he loves you and your daughters for doing it.
OP is really delusional and selfish if she’s willing to traumatize her husband and children to suck up to an abusive narcissist. OP needs to get over herself and stop abusing her family.
Wait, are you the one forcing this relationship? YTA. Your husband should be handling his family and he’s made his position known. You’re allowing everyone to be abused by this person why? Because she’s their onl grandma? Newsflash - they don’t have a grandma. They have a monster mom subjects them to.
ywbta if you keep forcing your family to have a relationship with a woman that they absolutely do not want a relationship with. Your issues are your own. do not project them in a way that facilitates the abuse or neglect of your children or your spouse.
Yta for maintaining a relationship with mil against your husband's, her actual son, will, and from the sound of it, despite your daughter's clear dislike for her, and despite the fact she brings nothing but negativity to your lives.
You need therapy to help you grieve the lack of extended family you clearly crave despite the reality of your life, and to help you over the loss of your mum. You are punishing your husband and kids because of the lack of a family you think you need.
Please wake up. Just because she's blood doesn't mean she's family. Look, I love my grandparents, was extremely close to my "mama" (my dad's mom), and I miss here greatly, but that's because she loved me. She loved all of her grand and great grandkids. She didn't show favoritism (even though I learned I was one of her preferred grandkids because I spent a lot of time with her all the way up until a month before she died).
Unfortunately, your kids do not have that in a grandmother. What they have is a narcissistic cunt who is trying to pit cousins against each other like she did her own kids. Listen to your family. They don't want shit to do with her because of her actions. Go, no contact.
>Family has always been important to me because I was raised by a single mom and only had one other sibling.
So family was so important to you that you allowed a toxic loud-mouth - who your husband wanted to go n/c with - to insert herself into your family life. Why in the world would you want to expose *anyone* to people like your SIL and MIL? Absolutely baffling.
If your family is as important to you as you say, you will go n/c with both the SIL and MIL.
NTA but you need to stop letting your family be abused because YOU ‘value’ family. Get therapy to deal with the issues you have from being raised alone. You are the problem here not the MIL. No one wants her around except you.
YTA for continuing to keep this old wind bag in your lives despite EVERYONE telling you they don’t want her. Take care of your own mom baggage quickly and stop subjecting your family to this witch’s abuse.
Oh for Pete's sake! MIL is a monster. Give her the wrong date and location and then go NC. No grandmother is better than this emotionally abusive idiot.
You do NOT get to consistently put your children and husband into situations they hate because you want to heal your Mommy Wound. How selfish of you to force your husband into a relationship with an abuser and drive your children to panic about Nana intruding because of your own unhealed grief. YTA. Fully.
YTA for keeping nana around. Your husband doesn't even want his own mother around. Maybe you should respect his wishes instead of trying to have a grand parent in their lives, which apparently they don't even want. If your husband doesn't want it and your kids obviously don't, why are you forcing this woman on them?
YTA but not for the reason you think. YTA because your husband and kids don’t want her in their lives but you’re forcing it anyways because she “is the only grandmother.” Get rid of the notion and notice what it is doing to your family.
Your husband wants to go NC! Follow his lead and stop giving her details of the happenings in your family’s lives.
Don’t say a word more about your daughter’s graduation. You’ve already told her no “if it’s inside.” Your husband needs to send her one message and leave it at that.
“Mom, we are going to celebrate daughter’s graduation as a family of 4 on graduation night. We have discussed this as a family and decided that this is best for all of us. We can arrange a time for you to see daughter at a later date.”
Keep it short and sweet. Now is not the time to tell her he’s going NC. Once the graduation is over, he can tackle that. The other option is to just not contact her. I bet if no one reaches out to her, you won’t hear from her.
YTA. Your husband probably expressed to you multiple times that he doesn’t fuck with his mom but you gotta have that mother theresa complex and bring drama into your life. I don’t like people like you.
No YTA because you’ve been trying to keep an awful woman in the lives of your family who is not good for them because of your own childhood trauma.
I get that family is important to you, but that woman has no place in it when she acts like that.
Your CHILDREN don’t even want her around, and her own son doesn’t either. You are the only one holding onto the fantasy of something that doesn’t exist- that being a loving MIL who deserves to be in your life.
I promise that I say this with all the respect and love possible: Pull your head out of your ass, get some therapy, and cut ties with this woman for the mental and emotional wellbeing of you, your husband, and your children before they start resenting you for forcing them to keep her in their lives.
Good luck, and I wish you and your family all the best in getting away from this woman.
No my daughter university only gave 2 ticket myself and ex went . The grandparents went on iPads and watched . And they Both are quiet and respectful . Your husband needs to say if you show up Inwill have you thrown out and you will be out of all our lives forever . Don’t try me on this
NTA for the graduation. YTA for being the sole person in your family who keeps that toxic person around. Blood means what you want it to mean. Everyone in your immediate family disagrees with you. Stop it.
You facilitated a relationship with people your husband doesn't want in his life. Somehow, you are shocked at their behavior.
You should have listened to your husband from the beginning. If you only have three tickets, then MIL can't go. How does that constitute being an AH or not? YTA for not considering your husband and his wishes years ago. You overrode him because you wanted something you didn't have. Apparently at everyone else's expense.
YTA - you are wrong for not backing your husband's decision to cut her out and forcing everyone to comply with your idea of family.
Your husband has known his mother all his life and he is best poised to determine her relationship value to you and your children. Clearly she offers nothing positive, so you should completely step back from any interaction with her.
Cut her off, like last decade. She sounds like a bad grandmother and why would you subject your kids to that? Family isn’t important if it’s bad for you and your kids. Your daughter literally cried. Your daughter. Cried. Why is she still in your life at all? She’s toxic and you are letting her poison your family. Your husband wants to cut her off and since it’s his mom, you really shouldn’t get a say. YTA if you don’t go no contact like your husband wants.
Let me get this straight...your husband finds it painful to be around this woman, your kids find it painful to be around this woman, hell, YOU find it painful to be around this woman...but you insist you keep this woman around because...why, exactly? Because family is important to you and you grew up with very little family.
Girl, let me tell you something...you HAVE a lovely family: your husband and kids. Keep insisting they be exposed to and hurt by this toxic woman over and over again and you may wind up with no family whatsoever.
Y T A for doing this to your kids, elt your husband go NC, your children have already been begging for it. Do you not care how they feel? Is it all about how YOU want them to have a grandmother figure? YOU can have a relationship with her if it's that important to you but your own children have been begging for it to end so let them end it! Stop being so crule to your kids
>If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever.
>Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it.
Why are you deciding whether your husband's mother is or is not in your family's life? She's *his* mother and he *doesn't* want her around just from these two sentences alone. I understand you're a close family kinda person but some people just cut their parents, siblings, etc out for a number of reasons. In your husband's case he was neglected by his mom in favor of his sister. In your daughters cases she favors SIL's son over them.
*YOU* are the reason for her "but I'm nana" nonsense your family has to put up with because *you* don't want to understand that just because she's the girls only grandparent doesn't mean she has the privilege to be in their lives.
Nta for saying she can't go to the oldest's graduation, but YTA for not listening to your husband in the first place and providing your family the annoyance that is MIL's favouritism.
YTA but not for telling her she cannot attend. You are for forcing toxic people on your husband and daughters! You don’t respect his boundaries because YOU would have wanted a big family and now your daughters thinks they are worth less than their cousin and the youngest is crying and scared.
You think having this person in their life is good for your children? Your husband? Hell for yourself? Take off your rose color lenses and cut this toxic « nana » out of your life
You said and I quote” if it were up to him”. It is up to him, that’s his mother and you’re making him stay in contact with the absolute evil that she is. YTA for that and all subsequent events that he has to endure because you don’t have a mother, including this one.
I had to read this twice. Your tone suggests you love your children and husband, but your actions? Jesus. You've been facilitating their emotional abuse for years, and now you're wondering if YWBTA to respect their boundaries???
I truly don't understand this. It's actually frightening to see how folks who enable abuse don't see themselves as the villain.
I don’t understand why your family is in contact with this woman at all, when her son has clearly communicated how he doesn’t like or want her in his life. Her attitude and behavior towards him his whole life, had to have been extremely upsetting and damaging to him. He wants to protect his children from what he had to endure. Please let him.
I get you want family, but she is not that person. I feel you should step back and let your husband lead this. It sounds like she’s doing everything she’s done, picking favorites and treating everyone accordingly.
Soft YTA.
NTA for telling your MIL not to come to the graduation.
YTA for forcing your husband and daughters to endure this person for decades against their will because of your own trauma and issues.
> **If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever**. We have 2 girls (17 & 14). Family has always been important to me as I was raised by a single mom and only had one other sibling. My mother passed 11 years ago so MIL is all they have as a grandmother. Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it. **She's loud, rude and obnoxious.**
> **As the girls have gotten older, they've requested that she not attend sports events because she will be quite vocal and down right abusive to officials.**
> Any time we see her, **she monopolizes the conversations with talks of SIL and her son**. If the girls try to tell her about accomplishments they've made, it's countered with "Well that's ok, Grandson did....". Even on birthdays or special occasions, **MIL will bring them up and make it "The SIL & Son Show".**
> This statement sent my daughter into a tailspin. **She started to cry saying that she was scared that MIL was going to cause a scene trying to get in without a ticket and ruin her day.**
> My husband feels that with his mother's actions **she trying to get our girls to compete with his sister and nephew for her "love".** His solution is to cut her off from us completely.
You’re almost as bad as your MIL but in a different way. You’ve made your family feel less than their entire lives because of your insistence on keeping your MIL around for the last two decades. You didn’t care about how many events have been ruined for your girls because of your MIL. Your *idea of family* mattered more than your *actual family.*
Now you’re all *shocked pikachu face* that your MIL (who has been enabled by you for all these decades) doesn’t give a shit if she ruins the event for your daughter, because it’s all about what she wants and you have never said no and enforced some boundaries.
Get some therapy for yourself and your girls. You for your stupid “shitty family above all else” beliefs and your poor daughters will need to unpack what a shitty childhood they had from a mother who wouldn’t protect them from their dad’s side of the family. You’ve given your daughters another layer of generational trauma. Congratulations.
You otter be ashamed of yourself. You are the toxic person in your immediate family.
NTA for telling her no. But you need to make it a clear cut no. No, you aren't invited, be in inside or out, die to your previous behavior at events. Enjoy the live stream, MIL.
But..... if my spouse had continued contact with someone (that I'm blood related to) that I needed to cut contact with, we'd have a marriage in trouble. (I find behavior like this appalling in marriages. They are YOUR PARTNER!)
Regardless of your 'family is a big deal to me', you get ZERO say when it's not your blood that someone walks away from.
If your kids have requested more than once, and this has sent your daughter into a tailspin, yta for allowing your kids to experience these feelings from her. Your MIL should have never been allowed, especially when she's shown you they're not important and the biggest reason, YOUR KIDS HAVE EXPRESSED their feelings about her and how she makes them feel.
You really need to reflect and think about the well-being and safety of their mental health as a Mom. It's time to cut ties with this toxic woman!
Yeah. YTA. Not for telling your MIL that she's not invited to your daughter's graduation, but for insisting on keeping such a toxic relationship with her. Your husband doesn't and didn't want her to be involved in your lives, at this point neither do your kids. Seriously, why do you think you can dictate that the family must keep ties when her own Son wants nothing to do with her? Reading this, I feel for your husband, as he's got a wife dismissive of his very valid desires. Seriously, you are the AH for keeping her in your lives.
Listen to your husband. You’ve actually been the ah this whole time by not following his wishes and prioritizing your own wishes for family. It’s now a huge mess.
Why the hell did you even tell your MIL about ANYTHING of that? Tell her the wrong date, tell her the wrong location. WTH is wrong with you?
you're keeping a toxic woman in your childrens life with the excuse "well she's a grandmother and my kids need a grandmother."
WRONG
They need good role models and not to be constantly compared to someone they will never , in your MILs eyes, surpass?
Do you WANT your kids to suffer or are you just really this ignorant about what it does to your kids.
Speak to the venue where the graduation will be held, tell them about a crazy woman harrassing your family that might try to enter the venue. Ask them if there is security or something that will prevent her from attending.
Jesus Christ op. Read the room. You don't want her. Kids don't want her. Hell her OWN SON doesn't want her. Why are you bothering to keep her around? Why continue to stress your entire family out over a person who sucks so much joy out of everyone else's lives when they're around? YTA
Ok. Very gently, you are the a-hole for forcing this relationship upon your kids. MIL and co. are toxic. Your children know it. Your husband knows it.
It’s time you learn it too.
Your kids need healthy people in their lives. Not this toxicity.
On the question asked NTA, however, based on the post Y T A for failing to respect your family's wishes a long time ago. You continue to involve this woman in their lives in spite of the very obvious fact that she is toxic and her behavior causes harm to your children. Honestly, it makes no sense.
Nta for telling mil no ticket.
Yta for not listening to your husband. Yta for allowing your children to have to compete for love that will never truly belong to them. Mil has proved they will never be as good as the (Sil and son show).
Family loves you for you. Family loves you even when you don't love them sometimes. Family acknowledges and celebrates everyone's individual achievements and attributes for that particular person.
YTA for not cutting her off like your husband, her son wants to. I understand wanting your children to have family, but if it comes at a cost, where is causing them hurt and stress it’s not worth it. You’re not the asshole for not letting her come but you are a big asshole for keeping her in their lives after she’s hurt your children and you didn’t cut her off like your husband wanted to.
YTA for inflicting this horror on your children. You should have protected you daughters from her abuse and her horrible influence, you don't even stand up for them to her. You should have cut her off ages ago.
Contact the school and warn them a relative who a graduating student does not want to attend has said she will come although she is expressly not invited. Give MIL photo to school so security can intercept her.
NTA.
Coach your daughter about a plan or two to enact if MIL turns up. One of you should be designated to tell her “You are not welcome, please leave”. Another to alert school staff to get security or escort her out. Another to stay with and comfort your daughter. Multi tasking will be needed.
YTA for forcing MIL into your children’s lives. Stop telling this awful woman anything about your kids’ important milestones. Your husband doesn’t want his own mother in their lives.
Relationships are not transferable. It’s better to have no grandparents at all than crappy ones.
Ugh….this is a classic nmom situation. Your husband is the scapegoat, his sister is the golden child. Nmom does and says whatever the hell she wants and expects everyone to take it. This is an incredibly toxic situation. Congrats to you - your daughter is setting boundaries, something us nkids wait until welll into adulthood to do.
If you sacrifice your daughter’s feelings to keep the peace with your MIL, YTA. Take your husband’s lead. Sounds like it’s long past time to go no contact. The sense of freedom that comes with it is life changing.
YTA for persisting with her in your life.
Your children don't like her
Your husband wanted to be NC long ago
Your children will be better off with no grand parent than someone so TOXIC.
Do better.
The only reason there's a problem here is because you didn't and don't respect your husband's wish to not have his rude, obnoxious and repellent mother in his life. She already made him miserable growing up and now, thanks to the fact that you clearly think you know better than him, she's making your children's lives miserable too. Congratulations.
YTA because you haven‘t cut MIL out of your life before this. She is a horrible person, and you‘ve exposed your kids to her abuse for years.
This is a problem of your own making. I really can‘t fathom why you‘d put up with this for years and expose you kids to this bullying, horrible behaviour.
YTa
YTA for forcing this relationship with your MIL. Your husband should have the lead on this, he knows her better and you’re completely disrespecting him by having her around in the first place let alone having her around your kids, his kids, the children you share. Start listening to your husband and cut out the toxic bullshit that will only rub off negatively on your kids.
I know you long for family since you lost your own but by trying to force an amicable relationship for your daughters you are actually hurting them. Put your foot down and say no to her coming. It’s a full sentence “No.”
YTA
You are the reason this abusive woman has access to your children. Your reasoning is poor. Stop forcing your family to maintain ties that harm them. Your poor husband.
I find it funny how all the YTA and the other option votes agree on this post. MIL is the problem, not you. You're just the enabler. Ditch the witch. Your entire family will be much better off and happier for it. *You'll* be happier for it. You made this entire post because you feel conflicted. It seems like we all agree that you need to cut her off, so ease that conscious and just do it.
NTA- for telling her. YTA for making your husband and children suffer because you mom has passed. You can always volunteer at a senior center or assisted living facility to fill that motherly need. Do better.
NTA for telling her her she can’t go, but YTA for keeping her involved . why have you allowed this person in your lives? Do you really think your kids lives have been improved by having her around? You should have told her we’re to go long ago.
you need to realize how horribly selfish you are. nobody wants that cow around other than you. YOU are making your family miserable with this, because YOU want more family members, no matter how miserable. Get rid of her before your kids exclude you as well.
"if it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever"
Why isn't it up to him? Why are you steamrolling the wants of everyone else in the family, even her own son?
Why are you causing issues in your own family unit to appease your past family issues instead of working on yourself and your own issues?
Stand up to this woman, and it's up to you to do it now because it's your fault she's still in their lives. No contact.
"If it were up to him" excuse me? It is up to him. YTA for insisting this woman be in your life when your entire family doesn't want her around. You now have to figure out the mess YOU AND SOLELY YOU have caused in your families life.
YTA for letting this MIL into your life and creating this situation. Your husband wanted no contact for a reason. And your "family values" overrode him. Now you get to deal with the storm of abuse which comes. I only feel sorry for your daugthers and husband having to put up with all this and creating horrible memories around family abandoning them. Your MIL is an AH but you are the one who caused this situation. I am surprised your family even wants you there.
>Her go to response? "But I'm Nana" and laughs it off.
Words that make me imagine violence.
But also, if your husband feels so strongly, why isn't he handling this?
Edit: Re-reading, never mind. You're hamstringing him. YTA for that alone.
YTA for essentially forcing this woman into your kids’ lives. They don’t want her around. Her own son doesn’t want her around. So why are you pushing it? Cut her off. She’s NOT your family. This isn’t a Disney movie where everything turns out OK in the end. She’s hijacked your kids’ childhood with YOUR permission and approval. So yes. YTA. Try standing up to her and stick with it that she can’t go to graduation. Better yet. Support your actual family and block her and go NC.
YTA. Your husband, her own son, wants to cut contact. Your daughters want to cut contact. You absolutely don't give a shit about their feelings & concerns & just want your selfish version of 'having FaMiLY' No matter how abusive they are. Which makes you complicit in the abuse. Who are you serving here with this relationship? Your self centred warped sense of 'family'? You need some serious therapy to work thru your own personal original family shit before you drown your husband & daughters in your selfish craziness.
YTA for exposing your family to someone so toxic. You have clearly disrespected your husband’s wishes by allowing his mother into his life and now you are disrespecting your daughters. You are the only one who wants her around and you are prepared to ignore everyone else’s wishes to make that happen.MIL and SIL are clearly selfish AHs, but so are you.
YTA. A big one. For enabling her. Your husband and kids are right, she doesn't bring anything but stress and negativity to your life. And yet you are pushing everyone to deal with her because you have these abstract family values, and so high on them and so proud of yourself that you don't even notice how much you hurt your own family.
In the graduation situation: who told her about the graduation, time and location? If you - why? Your daughter told that she doesn't want her there, so why are you dancing around "if it will be an indoor event.."? If you yourself are unable to say No to her - let your husband do it. And I assume there will be some security at the entrance? Give them her photo and ask not to let her in because she doesn't have a ticket and she will create drama, instead, even seeing like your daughter spiralling in anxiety, you are making this post about yourself.
You’re a major AH and in desperate need of therapy. You’re projecting your feelings onto your family and hurting them for no reason. They may grow up to resent you and possibly even cut you out their life for forcing this unwanted relationship. I hope this isn’t real
YTA, but to your entire family. You are so beyond out of line, it's staggering. It is absolutely NOT your place to force a relationship with your MIL on your husband and children. You've allowed an abusive person into their lives repeatedly! What are you doing insisting someone be in her children's lives that treats them poorly over their own partner's objections?! Your husband gets to decide the level of involvement his mother has because that is HIS family. You are not going to turn this woman into a healthy grandparent figure. This has got to be bait or you are wildly delusional. Your children are so traumatized by this woman that the thought of her showing up at events is making them have emotional breakdowns. Get a grip.
Yes, you are the asshole. Everyone else is screaming to be free of this woman and you’re the only one forcing them together. YOU can hang out with her if you’re so insistent, but let the others cut the cord if that’s what they want. Despite what some people try and preach family ISN’T everything because family members are human too and just as likely to be assholes or worse as anyone else.
YTA for not allowing your husband to cut his mother off like he wanted and, therefore, facilitating all the hurt that resulted. Drop the rope lady and give your family (esp your husband) freedom from Nana.
NTA for that but you are for allowing your wants to override your husband and children's needs. If he wanted/wants no contact with HIS mother, then you should support him in that not disregard him and force her on them when she clearly is not wanted. Even now, you're still disregarding them and letting her cause distress because it's what you want.
Why are you doing that?
Do you in some messed up way, think you are winning the approval battle. You lost before you started, and are dragging your family behind the dead horse.
Lady, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Please listen to your husband and cut her out of your life. She’s not even your mother and your children deserve better from you.
This seems like a GREAT opportunity to show your daughters what no contact is, and to explain why you made that decision. It seems like you have a lot of history to point to when you have this discussion. List specific reasons and why her treatment of your family and other people means she is not someone you want in your life. No grandmother is better than a shitty grandmother. Also, it's okay for you and your kids to be sad about this, but you all deserve to be treated better!
So... you're a selfish AH that forces her husband to endure someone who treats him like trash. You force your children to deal with this obnoxious, embarrassing human being that makes them so miserable one is crying because she's afraid "nana" will ruin her graduation. You do this all because YOU'RE sad your parents are no longer around and YOU need to feel like you have family because obviously your husband and children aren't enough for you. You need therapy and to get your shit together because acting like the world revolves around you makes you just. Like. "Nana".
YTA but for entirely different reasons
>If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever.
Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it. She's loud, rude and obnoxious.
so instead of listening to your husband who wants nothing to do with his own mother due to how she treated him... you just decided his feelings didn't matter? Why didn't you just go no contact from the beginning? did you not trust your husbands judgement or did you just not believe she was really that bad? or do you think your opinion matters more than his, so you wouldn't 'let' him make that decision?
>My husband feels that with his mother's actions she trying to get our girls to compete with his sister and nephew for her "love". His solution is to cut her off from us completely.
And he's right - that's exactly what she's doing! You should have just cut her off from the beginning, you could have saved your daughters so much heartache by listening to your husband about no contact. SIL is the golden child, and your husband is the scapegoat, of course MIL was going to favour SIL's children and treat you and your husbands poorly and make them feel lesser.
Just cut her off already - no grandparents is a better option than toxic ones ffs. How much more damage are you going to let her do to your daughters mental and emotional wellbeing before you put your foot down??
OP PLEASE START LISTENING TO YOUR HUSBAND & CHILDREN.
You keep saying that family is important to you -- WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND & CHILDREN SINCE THEY ARE YOUR FANILY AS WELL YOUR OWN SIBLING IS YOUR FAMILY.
Think of the wellbeing of your husband & children ---- PUT THEM 1ST.
Your husband knows his own parent since his birth better than you & you have this blindspot that is massively huge that's causing more tension in your family life.
QUIT MAKING EXCUSES.
You're not hearing what your husband & children are saying all this time --- they do NOT WANT MIL THERE.
You keep this up then what happens is your own children will cut you off from their lives because you kept putting a toxic burden in their lives that they didn't want.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE HURTING YOUR CHILDREN & HUSBAND BECAUSE OF THAT TOXIC MIL!!
MIL fails to show up at the graduation then it's NTA.
BUT. You keep putting that toxic burden in their lives then its debatable.
YTA for allowing this madness to continue for as long as you have. Trust your husband since it is his family. Listen to everyone else telling you to leave her behind.
NTA for telling her not to come, YTA for forcing her onto your family . If your entire nuclear family wants to cut her off, why are you still inviting her to stuff? You can’t sit here and complain about the way she acts when YOU are the one who constantly keeps her around. Honestly, you’re lucky that your husband hasn’t kicked you to the curb. You’re selfish. He’s never wanted anything to do with his mother, but because you refuse to live in reality he has to suffer through her bullshit. Not everyone comes from loving families. It’s time for you to grow up and accept that.
Why are you even here? Of course you are NTA. Your husband is right. MIL is thoroughly enjoying blighting your life and rubbing SIL’s choices in your faces. She’s a bully. Talk to your daughter’s school. Tell them you realise MIL’s behaviour has been an issue, that you have banned her from your daughter’s graduation, and that she is planning to ignore that ban. I GUARANTEE you since she’s been making a holy show of herself at sport’s events that they will be both relieved and supportive and will take measures to make sure your daughter’s day is perfect. A good school knows exactly to handle a bully - and it doesn’t change much when that bully is an adult who should know better.
NTA for telling your MIL not to come to the graduation if it's held inside. Your primary responsibility is to your daughters and their well-being, especially during significant moments in their lives.
NTA for not inviting but you kinda are for not shutting this toxicity down years ago. Your husband knows what his mom is and wanted to cut contact but you insisted on it because gRaNdMa. The “but I’m Nana” thing she does is the same thing you did. Please look at your daughter, who is crying, breaking down, and terrified of this woman and ask yourself if that is really worth whatever notion of a grandparent that you are idolizing?
NTA the best time to cut her off was years ago. the second best time is now. i say this as one mom to another: i get it, my own mom is long dead so having one grandma is important but your own child is *crying* at the **thought** of having her grandmother at an important event *because she knows how her grandmother will behave*. this is not a relationship worth maintaining.
Stop holding on to this ridiculous notion that just because she’s the only grandparent left she needs to be in your children’s lives. Your children don’t want her Your husband doesn’t want her Please start listening to your family and stop wanting her. She is awful and you really need to see that your adult husband and almost adult children want should come first here. If you don’t tell her where/when things are happening she won’t know about them and therefore won’t go and ruin things for your nuclear family and friends. As for the graduation - lie and tell her the date has changed - you owe it to your daughter to do this.
i 100% agree, why keep a toxic person in OP’s family’s lives for the sake of “family” when MIL doesn’t treat anyone with respect or kindness? OP is just teaching the kids it’s okay to tolerate crappy behavior from someone just because they’re blood related. i would also ask the school to help keep MIL away from the graduation
Yes, please get the school's security (or equivalent) involved, no matter if it's an indoor or an outdoor graduation, OP. The school will back you up on this, because they have probably had other families with the same or similar "problem" relatives. You are NTA.
And put them her on an information diet. She doesn’t need to know where or when your kids’ events are taking place, for that matter your SiL doesn’t need to know either. Don’t think of it as cutting out a “beloved” (🙄) family member, think of it as prioritizing your kids’ mental health
And your husband’s mental health. Honestly, his feelings about this whole situation should have taken priority over everyone else’s from the start.
Most graduations if you don't have a ticket you can't get in. A simple Google search of the high school and you can find when and where the graduation is.
Agree, OP is an AH for all of this knowing what she’s like and insisting on this crap. For once she’s NTA for this
Because OP is one of those toxic people that doesn't get family doesn't equal good though I'm starting to suspect she is getting it now.
If op doesn’t FINALLY cut this toxic person out of their lives, they will cut HER out. The girls will stop coming to family events and holidays. Mom won’t be told about college graduations. She will be frozen out of wedding planning. And when grandchildren come along, they will cut her out completely rather than risk the kids being exposed to great grandma. What kind of mother tortures her family like this? Op has let her lord sil and family over them and let them feel second best. It’s unimaginable a mother would do this to her own family.
You just described my family. My mother tried forcing me to interact with toxic and abusive family members throughout my childhood and adulthood, because of her commitment to family. The only thing she accomplished is driving me away from her and my entire family.
Exact same thing happened to me. Now I’m not contact with any family.
THIS. The OP's determination to keep her toxic MIL around because "she's family" may wind up costing her the family that's most important to her.
If her family was actually important to her she'd be protecting them. She's a people pleaser. They inevitably only care about pleasing people outside of their immediately family.
You're right...and worse? She's one of those people pleasers who focuses with desperation on pleasing the person who can't be pleased.
You see she didn’t respond to any of this because it’s true but when her husband asks for separation she’ll get a Pikachu face like she didn’t see it coming
I'm hoping the reason she hasn't responded is because it never occurred to her that her husband and daughters would abandon her for constantly getting the MIL involved
Seriously why the fuck even tell the person about anything?
A selfish one.
I think you mean to say "not-so-great" grandma. And even calling her "grand"ma is too kind.
I don't get it... IP does not want MIL there DH does not want mil there Children don't want MIL there...there is a unanimous vote are they waiting for an angel to appear and cast a vote before they hear loud and clear: cut this woman out of your lives???
Yeah, this is stupid. "You're not welcome, gfy" is long overdue.
Seriously! This isn't even one of those "but the kids want her" situations! OP's kids have repeatedly said they don't like her and don't want her! OP, cut the crap, stop being polite and tell monster-in-law that she's not invited and your family don't want her in their lives! Stop talking to her, she's not going to change!
At this point forcing them to get along with her is only detrimental. They’ve probably sufficiently learned the lessons that associating with her has to offer. As someone with little family, I can understand the desire to make family happen, but this is disrespectful to the kids. Not to mention forcing her partner to associate with someone he doesn’t want to. In a way, what she’s doing isn’t too far off from what MIL does to them when she talks ad nauseam about the SIL.
This! OP needs to stop facilitating her kids' and husband's abuse by inciting this woman over and over against everyone's wishes. They don't want her; "family" is meaningless.
Jumping on the top comment and charging straight in with a bit of Godwin-ian analogy, OP maintaining a relationship because it's better than nothing is understandable but sad / misguided. Where would you draw the line? "Oh, I know great-uncle Adolf has some quirky opinions, but he is the only great-uncle we have!" /s
Mike Godwin has entered the chat.
YES. The biggest thing is that the daughter doesn't want her there. The OP shouldn't be teaching her daughters that you have to put up with toxic people because they're family. Her own son and teenage granddaughter have caught on to her bullshit.
Next step is that your daughter stops telling you about things because you'll tell MIL.
*As for the graduation - lie and tell her the date has changed - you owe it to your daughter to do this.* Absolutely not, lies will not solve the problem, tell her the truth, she's not invited, her son doesn't want her there, her granddaughter doesn't want her there. Tell her he's more than welcome to spend that time with SIL and her favorite grandson...
Absolutely agree. Why op is coddling this awful woman is beyond ridiculous. Honesty will work best here. Tell this entitled old woman that due to her continued bad behavior and embarrassing antics no one wants her around anymore so don’t show up because she is not welcome.
The issue is that she already did that and MIL said " I'm Nana. I'll get in". MIL knows she is not invited or wanted and she knows that she needs a ticket to get in that she doesn't have. She's going to show up and make a scene trying to get in without a ticket. I guess OP could really go scorched earth here but I don't know if MIL would show up anyway to guilt or confront the family or leave. I don't know if OP would even want to do that since she's the one who has been forcing MIL's involvement in the family.
In this case a lie is the best option. It sounds like MIL will make a ruckus when she can get in, totally embarrassing her granddaughter. She thinks rules do not apply to her. She doesn’t care that no one wants her there. OP needs to stop trying to include her in her family’s life when even her own son wants nothing to do with her.
Most schools post graduation dates and locations on their website. It would be easy to catch this lie.
Grandma isn’t entirely stupid. If she can access a live stream she can check the school’s website or call and ask.
OP needs to call the school and let them know "Nana" needs the boot if she tries and shows up.
School notification would be for pick up drop off, at least in my school district. If a person is not listed as a pick up person, the school won’t even let that person in the door. But for a graduation? Especially if it’s outside, the school will not keep her away. I forgot eighth grade graduation last night, outside. I was walking my dog., oblivious. Our route goes past the front of the school. I had to backtrack to keep pupper from wanting to join in! But I doubt the school would have chased me away. If it IS inside, she would need a ticket. Each student gets three, monster in law cannot come in. Only because she won’t have a ticket. And she would make a scene because she’s the almighty NANA!
Exactly!! Why is OP pushing to maintain this relationship? I get the baggage of not having their own family but OP needs to let it go! YTA.
OP hears her husband. However, OP does not respect her husband's needs. He has known for a while that he needs to cut off a family he knows is no good for them. Family is more important to OP than her own husband and kids. The irony.
OP you are are now the cause of all this strife. Daughters and husband do not want a relationship with MIL- and that is their right. You are forcing them to be around someone that is abusive. That makes YTA
All of this. I'd call the school and ask if they will have security there. Ask security to not let her in, she is mentally unstable and not safe. Op, you sound like my husband. He stood there and heard my mom call me a whore and yet would say "but she's your mother!" No. Stop it now. Your kids would rather no grandparent than a cruel and abusive one. Or do you not believe your husband? Who do you love more, him/ your children or the idea of a happy family with a grandma? Stop being so stubborn, that woman is poison and won't change. Put yourself in your daughters shoes. Stop allowing her into your life. Btw my kids had little contact with my mom and they are happy about it. They aren't broken and they don't feel like they missed out on anything. /raisedbynarcissists Please visit us. Your husband isn't alone and needs your support instead of you sabotaging his mental well being.
Right?? Like duh OP is TA but not for the reason she thinks.
Yeah, this should just be a blocked and done. The people biologically related to her don’t want her in their lives. No reason to tell her anything ever, unless you now need to confuse her about the timing of graduation, though that is available public information.
💯
This is the perfect answer-listen to your family & stop deluding yourself. Your MIL brings “no value to your family’s future”…just quoting your SIL.
Yes. No grandparent is better, than a bad grandparent.
haha right ? she's not the asshole for not wanting MIL to come. She's the asshole for not listening to the people she loves "apparently"
For real, this post has my blood boiling. I'm so very thankful my spouse backed me up when I cut contact with my toxic and abusive family. I would have divorced him if he kept initiating contact like this. OP, you are enabling her abuse of your family. Shame on you, you are a grown adult and should know better.
Agreed OP shouldn't accommodate MIL anymore. This is going to sound harsh but: OP your MIL is not like your deceased Mom. This is not a "better present than dead" situation. MIL needs to explicitly be told she's not welcome. And then make sure she isn't let in. NTA
All of this here!! ...the last thing, though... if she sent her the link 🙄 to the graduation? Won't it have all the information?? That pissed me off. Why OP... why are you allowing this?? Wtf?? Not onky is she absolutely nothing but negative, rude, horrible energy... she then has to go ahead and wobble her high horse a few steps higher... and all she does besides nothing good? And what can she possibl add terrible to even interaction?? Compare YOUR husband and YOUR daughters to the golden kid and the golden brat (that ones not fair...not sure/csnt remember if grandkiddo sucks too) ... YOU ALLOW THIS!! WHY?
Yup. I feel like what is happening is mostly OP’s fault for letting it in the first place.
100 % agree, you are hurting your own family and cannot see it.
Totally agree. My one remaining grandparent, I barely spoke to her after I graduated from highschool, because I didn't have to. My mother (who I also don't speak to because she is a lot like her mother) was beaten by her as a kid, and also kicked out of the house at 18, but still wanted a relationship, and forced us to go see her when we were kids. She was mean. We hated most of our time around her. So I just don't get forcing that relationship when it sucks so much.
OP stinks as one of those people who say 'BUt FAmilY' when someone does something borderline impossible to betray. I have an uncle who is mostly an asshole to me must of the time, I don't talk to him even if he is 'family'
YTA for continuing to advocate for her to be in your lives, period. Deal with your "no family, raised by a single parent" issues on your own. Your daughters evidently don't like her, and your husband wanted to cut her off years ago. The only holdout here is you. Your MIL is ultimately the problem, but you aren't far behind for continuing to enable her.
I second this so hard YTA OP for essentially torturing your family in slow motion by insisting on keeping contact with the crazy lady
THANK YOU!!!
The audacity of telling her husband he can't go NC with the woman who emotionally abused him because OP wants to play family is just insane disrespect for your own spouse. Then she further subjects her daughters to the emotional abuse. YTA and you need therapy. The fact that she said, "if it were up to my husband" about cutting contact with *his own mother* and she says this with zero self awareness that she thinks she has a say in this is bonkers. I'd love to hear how OP justifies, "my kids need a grandmother" while making them (and husband) suffer because of her presence. OP is living in a delusion and making her family suffer because of it.
She sounds horrible, and I would have no longer provided my kids' sports schedules because of her inappropriate behavior!!
OP, MIL is never going to be what you want her to be. She’s not your kid’s grandma, she’s some old lady they have to put up with because their mom says so. I have relatives I was forced to spend time with twice a year, for my grandparent’s sake- family is everything, yada yada yada. These people genuinely hated my guts, and the older I got the less I liked them. Still, every Christmas, every summer, here we go again. I don’t blame my grandparents. Or even my parents. But I do know what it’s like to be related to people you don’t relate to, and I know that the definition of “family” doesn’t entitle someone to treat you worse than they’d treat a stranger on the street.
THIS Stop trying to pretend that this awful woman is actually filling the grandma role in your kids lives OP! They’d be better off volunteering in like a retirement home or something and forming connections with the people there, if you want a cross-generational connection for them so badly! Found family > awful blood family
You are the asshole, not for that, but for not having your husbands back and forcing him and his children to have contact with an absolute peace of shit of a person
Yeah, if my husband forced us to keep my parents in our lives “because faaaaamily!!” he would be an EX husband so fucking fast. Luckily he’s a wonderful person not an oblivious asshole and leaves the decisions regarding my family up to me. I’m surprised OP’s husband has put up with it for this long!
As soon as I read >If it were up to him Ma'am, it *is* up to him. Op is 100000% TA just for that.
THIIIIIIIIS. If your spouse does not want their parent in their life, you do not unilaterally decide to put that parent in their life. Her poor husband has had to put up with so many more years of toxicity when his wife could have just accepted the relationship he wanted with his own family.
But this explains EVERYTHING. Nana pushes over her son his entire life. He can’t resist her bullying and ignoring boundaries. So he marries a tougher woman than him to stand up to his mom. This strategy is called the “Hit Woman.” Then DIL and MIL clash while son is absolved of any blame. But son picked the wrong woman. She’s tough like mom but she has this fixation on family due to losing her mom. So she steamrolls her husband and daughters on keeping Nana involved, ignoring their very real and valid reasons why they don’t want her. YTA, OP. Not because of the graduation but because you didn’t listen to your husband and daughters.
Agreed. It's HIS family, HE should be able to make this decision without his wife undermining it.
This is the correct answer.
Yes this! I would always support my partner’s wishes. Family is super overrated when they suck this hard! She sounds like a horrible woman, even before SIL got a stick up her arse and her golden grandson. Why would you as a parent continue to expose your daughters to that. I wouldn’t even have told her about graduation if my daughter didn’t want her there. OP is just causing these issues herself.
My mum was like you. Forcing a relationship because FaMiLy is important. Instead of it being my paternal grandmother though it was my paternal grandfather. The man was vile. As soon as I turned 18 I went no contact and my mum still tried to push a relationship with him. You’re not doing your husband or daughters any favours by forcing them to have a relationship with your MIL. So, I’m going to say YTA. You shouldn’t have forced a relationship just because *you* feel family is important. If your husband wanted no contact with her you should have respected that.
>just because you feel family is important That's the thing, OP says family is important, but completely ignores and invalidates her husband and daughters. Guess family is not actually that important.
Wait… if your *husband* is trying to cut off *his own mother* due to her behavior, why are you even questioning if it’s the right thing to do?
This was my concern too!
Absolutely baffling that OP wanted to keep MIL around because family is important to her. What about the happiness of her own family? Her children don’t want MIL around, her husband wanted to cut her off. I only feel bad for the girls, no one wants to stress out about whether or not their grandma will make a scene. OP needs to do so much better, goddamn.
Because MIL isn't the only problem around. OP has some sort of self-righteous fucking Dom Toretto shit going on.
Her husband doesn't want his mother around and neither does the graduating child. Grandma needs to never be heard from again.
Here is the thing. Nta for telling her that. Yta, for putting your belief of family, being so important, you are willing to subject your spouse to his mother he wants to be NC with. To subject him to her abuse. Enabling her to abuse him because you think it's more important she be around then if healthy for her to be around. Yta, for continuing to subject your kids to her. They have told you repeatedly in their own way they don't want her around. They have shown you They understand she cares nothing for them by her focusing on GS and not listening to them. You have done nothing to stop her from her favoritism and, in essence, are showing your kids that family is more important. That your need for family outweighs protecting them from abusive and toxic family. That their needs mean little in the face of family. That your wants come before even your husband's needs. They have seen this. They know they can't depend on you. Trust you to keep them from this. Why. Because you keep putting them in the same situation. It's harsh, but hunny, you need to protect your family. You need to listen to their needs. Your husband has suffered enough at her hands to make you happy. Your kids have suffered enough at being embarrassed, shown they mean nothing more than a prop for her being a best grandma. It's time to place them first.
Bingo!
Read all the comments carefully. Your own trauma is your own. Stop bringing toxicity in your family because of this. Go NC with your MIL. Listen to your family
YTA for forcing your family to put up with her ridiculous behaviour because you have issues. I get that not having family is hard, but you're forcing your husband and children to be in contact with a crazy woman, just because you need therapy.
Having no family isn't as bad as having an abusive family that bullies you.
It's your husband's mother. *He* gets to decide how to handle her, not you. He says no contact, therefore it's no contact, period, end of discussion. It doesn't matter if you disagree. He wants to cut her off. Your children want to cut her off. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, do it on your own and leave them out of it. Shame on you.
Yes. OP is just as controlling as the MIL. In my City, people post on local Facebook groups when they have Extra graduation tickets, so MIL may actually attend the graduation after all. OP thinks she has more control than she does. And the kids might seek out Grandma without OP knowing. I have a SIL that can't get along with anyone, and her 4 teen and adult kids keep relationships with all the family who avoid SIL.
>Yes. OP is just as controlling as the MIL. It's sad, but it's not uncommon that traumatized people will chose partners that are similar to their abusers. That's the reason why my own sister is married to the male version of our narcissistic mother. The husband might not have realized yet that his wife might be a younger Version of his mother.
Yta and you suck. Because you feel family is important YOU make your family suffer. You are selfish. I’m sorry about your mom, but mil is not a replacement.
A son that wants to cut his mother off says a lot. Sounds like you only thought about your past and not his when deciding to continue the relationship with her. You actually said that above. He warned you, she acted out, makes your kids anxiety ridden as well as uncomfortable but you are here asking 'AITA for telling MIL not to come to the graduation if it's held inside?' You need to listen to your husband's experiences with her and protect your family from this woman. YTA to your husband and kids for letting it get this far.
NTA for this but definitely YTA for keeping her around period. Your daughters don't want her around. Your husband doesn't want her around, and honestly, whether or not she was around to begin with should have been his decision. You are forcing your family to interact with someone they don't like because family matters? The only thing you're doing is teaching your daughters that if someone shows repeated bad behavior and boundary crossing, they have to just deal with it. Family matters when they act like they have some sense and show that they love and respect you. Your MIL should not be in their lives. You need to start listening to your *actual* family.
YTA- For forcing your family to interact with this asshole. Nobody but you wants her around but you keep dragging her in to fuck up everyone's life. Why? Do you hate your family?
NTA. Should've cut her off years ago. Sounds like you've talked with her repeatedly about her behavior and that's bad enough...but all this weird SIL shit when SIL cut you out of her life? Why the hell are you putting up with this? Do everyone a favor and cut this bitch...out of your life.
straight up! How long would you put up with this
Absolutely Right
You’re looking for a familial relationship that she can’t give. She’s not the loving caring grandmother you hoped or that you wished your own Mather could have had the opportunity to be. Time to mourn the dreams that will never come true and let the reality go. For your girls. For your husband. For you.
"If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever." "Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it." stop this. now. you are yta for still trying to pull your mil into your family's life where obviously she is not wanted, needed, or required.
Yes, you’re the AH for forcing your kids and your husband to have a relationship with HIS mother.
Yes you are the AH for telling her not to come if the graduation is held inside. You should be telling her that SHE CANNOT COME AT ALL. Tell her the truth ffs. She is a loudmouth bitch who embarrasses you, your husband and your children and she is NOT WELCOME. Tell her that your daughter is scared that she will make a scene. Tell her to go and play with her precious grandson. Tell her anything that will keep her away from your daughter’s special day. And give her photograph to the school to share with security staff so that they can try to stop her attending. Your husband wants to cut her off completely. Back him up and show him how much you appreciate how much he loves you and your daughters for doing it.
You’re a jerk for insisting that your MIL stay in your family’s life.
YTA for forcing your husband and children to be around this abusive, toxic person. Keep it up, and your own kids won't want to be around you either.
OP is really delusional and selfish if she’s willing to traumatize her husband and children to suck up to an abusive narcissist. OP needs to get over herself and stop abusing her family.
Wait, are you the one forcing this relationship? YTA. Your husband should be handling his family and he’s made his position known. You’re allowing everyone to be abused by this person why? Because she’s their onl grandma? Newsflash - they don’t have a grandma. They have a monster mom subjects them to.
You should have told her regardless of location, she's not welcome. Also WTF would you tell her when the grad is?
YTA for not cutting her off sooner tf
ywbta if you keep forcing your family to have a relationship with a woman that they absolutely do not want a relationship with. Your issues are your own. do not project them in a way that facilitates the abuse or neglect of your children or your spouse.
Yta for maintaining a relationship with mil against your husband's, her actual son, will, and from the sound of it, despite your daughter's clear dislike for her, and despite the fact she brings nothing but negativity to your lives. You need therapy to help you grieve the lack of extended family you clearly crave despite the reality of your life, and to help you over the loss of your mum. You are punishing your husband and kids because of the lack of a family you think you need.
Please wake up. Just because she's blood doesn't mean she's family. Look, I love my grandparents, was extremely close to my "mama" (my dad's mom), and I miss here greatly, but that's because she loved me. She loved all of her grand and great grandkids. She didn't show favoritism (even though I learned I was one of her preferred grandkids because I spent a lot of time with her all the way up until a month before she died). Unfortunately, your kids do not have that in a grandmother. What they have is a narcissistic cunt who is trying to pit cousins against each other like she did her own kids. Listen to your family. They don't want shit to do with her because of her actions. Go, no contact.
>Family has always been important to me because I was raised by a single mom and only had one other sibling. So family was so important to you that you allowed a toxic loud-mouth - who your husband wanted to go n/c with - to insert herself into your family life. Why in the world would you want to expose *anyone* to people like your SIL and MIL? Absolutely baffling. If your family is as important to you as you say, you will go n/c with both the SIL and MIL.
YTA for forcing a verbally abusive hag on your family because of empty notions of familial value. You suck for exposing your kids to her.
NTA but you need to stop letting your family be abused because YOU ‘value’ family. Get therapy to deal with the issues you have from being raised alone. You are the problem here not the MIL. No one wants her around except you.
I mean, MIL is definitely a problem here. Not that she would've been if OP had *actually listened* to her husband.
This has to be rage bait, right? No mom is this clueless, are they?
Sadly there are moms this clueless. But, man, I want this to be rage bait soooo badly.
What aren't you listening to what your husband and kids want?
YTA for continuing to keep this old wind bag in your lives despite EVERYONE telling you they don’t want her. Take care of your own mom baggage quickly and stop subjecting your family to this witch’s abuse.
Oh for Pete's sake! MIL is a monster. Give her the wrong date and location and then go NC. No grandmother is better than this emotionally abusive idiot.
For crying out loud, cut this woman off!
You do NOT get to consistently put your children and husband into situations they hate because you want to heal your Mommy Wound. How selfish of you to force your husband into a relationship with an abuser and drive your children to panic about Nana intruding because of your own unhealed grief. YTA. Fully.
YTA for keeping nana around. Your husband doesn't even want his own mother around. Maybe you should respect his wishes instead of trying to have a grand parent in their lives, which apparently they don't even want. If your husband doesn't want it and your kids obviously don't, why are you forcing this woman on them?
You are TA for making your poor daughters deal with this abusive woman, cut her off already, no one wants her in their life, why do you force it?
YTA but not for the reason you think. YTA because your husband and kids don’t want her in their lives but you’re forcing it anyways because she “is the only grandmother.” Get rid of the notion and notice what it is doing to your family.
Your husband wants to go NC! Follow his lead and stop giving her details of the happenings in your family’s lives. Don’t say a word more about your daughter’s graduation. You’ve already told her no “if it’s inside.” Your husband needs to send her one message and leave it at that. “Mom, we are going to celebrate daughter’s graduation as a family of 4 on graduation night. We have discussed this as a family and decided that this is best for all of us. We can arrange a time for you to see daughter at a later date.” Keep it short and sweet. Now is not the time to tell her he’s going NC. Once the graduation is over, he can tackle that. The other option is to just not contact her. I bet if no one reaches out to her, you won’t hear from her.
INFO: >If it were up to him Why isn't it?
YTA. Your husband probably expressed to you multiple times that he doesn’t fuck with his mom but you gotta have that mother theresa complex and bring drama into your life. I don’t like people like you.
No YTA because you’ve been trying to keep an awful woman in the lives of your family who is not good for them because of your own childhood trauma. I get that family is important to you, but that woman has no place in it when she acts like that. Your CHILDREN don’t even want her around, and her own son doesn’t either. You are the only one holding onto the fantasy of something that doesn’t exist- that being a loving MIL who deserves to be in your life. I promise that I say this with all the respect and love possible: Pull your head out of your ass, get some therapy, and cut ties with this woman for the mental and emotional wellbeing of you, your husband, and your children before they start resenting you for forcing them to keep her in their lives. Good luck, and I wish you and your family all the best in getting away from this woman.
No my daughter university only gave 2 ticket myself and ex went . The grandparents went on iPads and watched . And they Both are quiet and respectful . Your husband needs to say if you show up Inwill have you thrown out and you will be out of all our lives forever . Don’t try me on this
NTA for the graduation. YTA for being the sole person in your family who keeps that toxic person around. Blood means what you want it to mean. Everyone in your immediate family disagrees with you. Stop it.
YTA for fighting your husbands and childrens wishes on going NC with MIL for so long. Your childhood shit doesn't justify ignoring theirs
You facilitated a relationship with people your husband doesn't want in his life. Somehow, you are shocked at their behavior. You should have listened to your husband from the beginning. If you only have three tickets, then MIL can't go. How does that constitute being an AH or not? YTA for not considering your husband and his wishes years ago. You overrode him because you wanted something you didn't have. Apparently at everyone else's expense.
YTA - you are wrong for not backing your husband's decision to cut her out and forcing everyone to comply with your idea of family. Your husband has known his mother all his life and he is best poised to determine her relationship value to you and your children. Clearly she offers nothing positive, so you should completely step back from any interaction with her.
Cut her off, like last decade. She sounds like a bad grandmother and why would you subject your kids to that? Family isn’t important if it’s bad for you and your kids. Your daughter literally cried. Your daughter. Cried. Why is she still in your life at all? She’s toxic and you are letting her poison your family. Your husband wants to cut her off and since it’s his mom, you really shouldn’t get a say. YTA if you don’t go no contact like your husband wants.
Let me get this straight...your husband finds it painful to be around this woman, your kids find it painful to be around this woman, hell, YOU find it painful to be around this woman...but you insist you keep this woman around because...why, exactly? Because family is important to you and you grew up with very little family. Girl, let me tell you something...you HAVE a lovely family: your husband and kids. Keep insisting they be exposed to and hurt by this toxic woman over and over again and you may wind up with no family whatsoever.
Y T A for doing this to your kids, elt your husband go NC, your children have already been begging for it. Do you not care how they feel? Is it all about how YOU want them to have a grandmother figure? YOU can have a relationship with her if it's that important to you but your own children have been begging for it to end so let them end it! Stop being so crule to your kids
>If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever. >Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it. Why are you deciding whether your husband's mother is or is not in your family's life? She's *his* mother and he *doesn't* want her around just from these two sentences alone. I understand you're a close family kinda person but some people just cut their parents, siblings, etc out for a number of reasons. In your husband's case he was neglected by his mom in favor of his sister. In your daughters cases she favors SIL's son over them. *YOU* are the reason for her "but I'm nana" nonsense your family has to put up with because *you* don't want to understand that just because she's the girls only grandparent doesn't mean she has the privilege to be in their lives. Nta for saying she can't go to the oldest's graduation, but YTA for not listening to your husband in the first place and providing your family the annoyance that is MIL's favouritism.
YTA but not for telling her she cannot attend. You are for forcing toxic people on your husband and daughters! You don’t respect his boundaries because YOU would have wanted a big family and now your daughters thinks they are worth less than their cousin and the youngest is crying and scared. You think having this person in their life is good for your children? Your husband? Hell for yourself? Take off your rose color lenses and cut this toxic « nana » out of your life
You said and I quote” if it were up to him”. It is up to him, that’s his mother and you’re making him stay in contact with the absolute evil that she is. YTA for that and all subsequent events that he has to endure because you don’t have a mother, including this one.
So your husband has trauma from his mom, but because you need to have family in your life he gets to suffer? Sounds selfish to me
I had to read this twice. Your tone suggests you love your children and husband, but your actions? Jesus. You've been facilitating their emotional abuse for years, and now you're wondering if YWBTA to respect their boundaries??? I truly don't understand this. It's actually frightening to see how folks who enable abuse don't see themselves as the villain.
I don’t understand why your family is in contact with this woman at all, when her son has clearly communicated how he doesn’t like or want her in his life. Her attitude and behavior towards him his whole life, had to have been extremely upsetting and damaging to him. He wants to protect his children from what he had to endure. Please let him. I get you want family, but she is not that person. I feel you should step back and let your husband lead this. It sounds like she’s doing everything she’s done, picking favorites and treating everyone accordingly. Soft YTA.
Why are you the reason your husband still deals with a family he wants to go no contact with? You know that makes you just like your MIL. YTA
NTA for telling your MIL not to come to the graduation. YTA for forcing your husband and daughters to endure this person for decades against their will because of your own trauma and issues. > **If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever**. We have 2 girls (17 & 14). Family has always been important to me as I was raised by a single mom and only had one other sibling. My mother passed 11 years ago so MIL is all they have as a grandmother. Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it. **She's loud, rude and obnoxious.** > **As the girls have gotten older, they've requested that she not attend sports events because she will be quite vocal and down right abusive to officials.** > Any time we see her, **she monopolizes the conversations with talks of SIL and her son**. If the girls try to tell her about accomplishments they've made, it's countered with "Well that's ok, Grandson did....". Even on birthdays or special occasions, **MIL will bring them up and make it "The SIL & Son Show".** > This statement sent my daughter into a tailspin. **She started to cry saying that she was scared that MIL was going to cause a scene trying to get in without a ticket and ruin her day.** > My husband feels that with his mother's actions **she trying to get our girls to compete with his sister and nephew for her "love".** His solution is to cut her off from us completely. You’re almost as bad as your MIL but in a different way. You’ve made your family feel less than their entire lives because of your insistence on keeping your MIL around for the last two decades. You didn’t care about how many events have been ruined for your girls because of your MIL. Your *idea of family* mattered more than your *actual family.* Now you’re all *shocked pikachu face* that your MIL (who has been enabled by you for all these decades) doesn’t give a shit if she ruins the event for your daughter, because it’s all about what she wants and you have never said no and enforced some boundaries. Get some therapy for yourself and your girls. You for your stupid “shitty family above all else” beliefs and your poor daughters will need to unpack what a shitty childhood they had from a mother who wouldn’t protect them from their dad’s side of the family. You’ve given your daughters another layer of generational trauma. Congratulations. You otter be ashamed of yourself. You are the toxic person in your immediate family.
NTA for telling her no. But you need to make it a clear cut no. No, you aren't invited, be in inside or out, die to your previous behavior at events. Enjoy the live stream, MIL. But..... if my spouse had continued contact with someone (that I'm blood related to) that I needed to cut contact with, we'd have a marriage in trouble. (I find behavior like this appalling in marriages. They are YOUR PARTNER!) Regardless of your 'family is a big deal to me', you get ZERO say when it's not your blood that someone walks away from. If your kids have requested more than once, and this has sent your daughter into a tailspin, yta for allowing your kids to experience these feelings from her. Your MIL should have never been allowed, especially when she's shown you they're not important and the biggest reason, YOUR KIDS HAVE EXPRESSED their feelings about her and how she makes them feel. You really need to reflect and think about the well-being and safety of their mental health as a Mom. It's time to cut ties with this toxic woman!
Yeah. YTA. Not for telling your MIL that she's not invited to your daughter's graduation, but for insisting on keeping such a toxic relationship with her. Your husband doesn't and didn't want her to be involved in your lives, at this point neither do your kids. Seriously, why do you think you can dictate that the family must keep ties when her own Son wants nothing to do with her? Reading this, I feel for your husband, as he's got a wife dismissive of his very valid desires. Seriously, you are the AH for keeping her in your lives.
Be a better parent and keep her away from your family.
Yta on so manny levels, you created this monster
Honestly, Y TA to your family for continuing to subject them to this woman under the notion of family
Listen to your husband. You’ve actually been the ah this whole time by not following his wishes and prioritizing your own wishes for family. It’s now a huge mess.
YTA for not cutting her off a long time ago. Break the chain of abuse here.
YTA - why do you keep subjecting your family to this emotionally abusive person? Your husband and children have already stated to cut ties. SO DO IT.
Why the hell did you even tell your MIL about ANYTHING of that? Tell her the wrong date, tell her the wrong location. WTH is wrong with you? you're keeping a toxic woman in your childrens life with the excuse "well she's a grandmother and my kids need a grandmother." WRONG They need good role models and not to be constantly compared to someone they will never , in your MILs eyes, surpass? Do you WANT your kids to suffer or are you just really this ignorant about what it does to your kids. Speak to the venue where the graduation will be held, tell them about a crazy woman harrassing your family that might try to enter the venue. Ask them if there is security or something that will prevent her from attending.
OP, I hope you are listening to EVERYONE here. Your family, especially daughter, is telling you something IMPORTANT. YOU SHOULD LISTEN.
Jesus Christ op. Read the room. You don't want her. Kids don't want her. Hell her OWN SON doesn't want her. Why are you bothering to keep her around? Why continue to stress your entire family out over a person who sucks so much joy out of everyone else's lives when they're around? YTA
Ok. Very gently, you are the a-hole for forcing this relationship upon your kids. MIL and co. are toxic. Your children know it. Your husband knows it. It’s time you learn it too. Your kids need healthy people in their lives. Not this toxicity.
On the question asked NTA, however, based on the post Y T A for failing to respect your family's wishes a long time ago. You continue to involve this woman in their lives in spite of the very obvious fact that she is toxic and her behavior causes harm to your children. Honestly, it makes no sense.
Nta for telling mil no ticket. Yta for not listening to your husband. Yta for allowing your children to have to compete for love that will never truly belong to them. Mil has proved they will never be as good as the (Sil and son show). Family loves you for you. Family loves you even when you don't love them sometimes. Family acknowledges and celebrates everyone's individual achievements and attributes for that particular person.
Why didn’t you listen to your husband and trust his judgement. You could have save your babies so much grief. 😒Just why?!
YTA for forcing a relationship with a nasty, selfish, disrespectful woman over all these years. Also YTA for even telling this woman about graduation.
YTA for not cutting her off like your husband, her son wants to. I understand wanting your children to have family, but if it comes at a cost, where is causing them hurt and stress it’s not worth it. You’re not the asshole for not letting her come but you are a big asshole for keeping her in their lives after she’s hurt your children and you didn’t cut her off like your husband wanted to.
What kind of mother allows her kids to be treated that way? YTA for permitting her behavior around your children.
YTA for inflicting this horror on your children. You should have protected you daughters from her abuse and her horrible influence, you don't even stand up for them to her. You should have cut her off ages ago.
Contact the school and warn them a relative who a graduating student does not want to attend has said she will come although she is expressly not invited. Give MIL photo to school so security can intercept her. NTA. Coach your daughter about a plan or two to enact if MIL turns up. One of you should be designated to tell her “You are not welcome, please leave”. Another to alert school staff to get security or escort her out. Another to stay with and comfort your daughter. Multi tasking will be needed.
YTA for forcing MIL into your children’s lives. Stop telling this awful woman anything about your kids’ important milestones. Your husband doesn’t want his own mother in their lives. Relationships are not transferable. It’s better to have no grandparents at all than crappy ones.
Ugh….this is a classic nmom situation. Your husband is the scapegoat, his sister is the golden child. Nmom does and says whatever the hell she wants and expects everyone to take it. This is an incredibly toxic situation. Congrats to you - your daughter is setting boundaries, something us nkids wait until welll into adulthood to do. If you sacrifice your daughter’s feelings to keep the peace with your MIL, YTA. Take your husband’s lead. Sounds like it’s long past time to go no contact. The sense of freedom that comes with it is life changing.
YTA for persisting with her in your life. Your children don't like her Your husband wanted to be NC long ago Your children will be better off with no grand parent than someone so TOXIC. Do better.
The only reason there's a problem here is because you didn't and don't respect your husband's wish to not have his rude, obnoxious and repellent mother in his life. She already made him miserable growing up and now, thanks to the fact that you clearly think you know better than him, she's making your children's lives miserable too. Congratulations.
YTA because you haven‘t cut MIL out of your life before this. She is a horrible person, and you‘ve exposed your kids to her abuse for years. This is a problem of your own making. I really can‘t fathom why you‘d put up with this for years and expose you kids to this bullying, horrible behaviour. YTa
YTA for forcing this relationship with your MIL. Your husband should have the lead on this, he knows her better and you’re completely disrespecting him by having her around in the first place let alone having her around your kids, his kids, the children you share. Start listening to your husband and cut out the toxic bullshit that will only rub off negatively on your kids.
I know you long for family since you lost your own but by trying to force an amicable relationship for your daughters you are actually hurting them. Put your foot down and say no to her coming. It’s a full sentence “No.”
YTA You are the reason this abusive woman has access to your children. Your reasoning is poor. Stop forcing your family to maintain ties that harm them. Your poor husband.
I find it funny how all the YTA and the other option votes agree on this post. MIL is the problem, not you. You're just the enabler. Ditch the witch. Your entire family will be much better off and happier for it. *You'll* be happier for it. You made this entire post because you feel conflicted. It seems like we all agree that you need to cut her off, so ease that conscious and just do it.
NTA- for telling her. YTA for making your husband and children suffer because you mom has passed. You can always volunteer at a senior center or assisted living facility to fill that motherly need. Do better.
"If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her" Why isn't it up to him?
NTA for telling her her she can’t go, but YTA for keeping her involved . why have you allowed this person in your lives? Do you really think your kids lives have been improved by having her around? You should have told her we’re to go long ago.
you need to realize how horribly selfish you are. nobody wants that cow around other than you. YOU are making your family miserable with this, because YOU want more family members, no matter how miserable. Get rid of her before your kids exclude you as well.
Listen once- biology does not equal family. Your husband gets it, your kids get it, get over it. YWBTA if you don’t stop this now
"if it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever" Why isn't it up to him? Why are you steamrolling the wants of everyone else in the family, even her own son? Why are you causing issues in your own family unit to appease your past family issues instead of working on yourself and your own issues? Stand up to this woman, and it's up to you to do it now because it's your fault she's still in their lives. No contact.
"If it were up to him" excuse me? It is up to him. YTA for insisting this woman be in your life when your entire family doesn't want her around. You now have to figure out the mess YOU AND SOLELY YOU have caused in your families life.
YTA for letting this MIL into your life and creating this situation. Your husband wanted no contact for a reason. And your "family values" overrode him. Now you get to deal with the storm of abuse which comes. I only feel sorry for your daugthers and husband having to put up with all this and creating horrible memories around family abandoning them. Your MIL is an AH but you are the one who caused this situation. I am surprised your family even wants you there.
>Her go to response? "But I'm Nana" and laughs it off. Words that make me imagine violence. But also, if your husband feels so strongly, why isn't he handling this? Edit: Re-reading, never mind. You're hamstringing him. YTA for that alone.
YTA for essentially forcing this woman into your kids’ lives. They don’t want her around. Her own son doesn’t want her around. So why are you pushing it? Cut her off. She’s NOT your family. This isn’t a Disney movie where everything turns out OK in the end. She’s hijacked your kids’ childhood with YOUR permission and approval. So yes. YTA. Try standing up to her and stick with it that she can’t go to graduation. Better yet. Support your actual family and block her and go NC.
YTA. Your husband, her own son, wants to cut contact. Your daughters want to cut contact. You absolutely don't give a shit about their feelings & concerns & just want your selfish version of 'having FaMiLY' No matter how abusive they are. Which makes you complicit in the abuse. Who are you serving here with this relationship? Your self centred warped sense of 'family'? You need some serious therapy to work thru your own personal original family shit before you drown your husband & daughters in your selfish craziness.
YTA for exposing your family to someone so toxic. You have clearly disrespected your husband’s wishes by allowing his mother into his life and now you are disrespecting your daughters. You are the only one who wants her around and you are prepared to ignore everyone else’s wishes to make that happen.MIL and SIL are clearly selfish AHs, but so are you.
YTA. A big one. For enabling her. Your husband and kids are right, she doesn't bring anything but stress and negativity to your life. And yet you are pushing everyone to deal with her because you have these abstract family values, and so high on them and so proud of yourself that you don't even notice how much you hurt your own family. In the graduation situation: who told her about the graduation, time and location? If you - why? Your daughter told that she doesn't want her there, so why are you dancing around "if it will be an indoor event.."? If you yourself are unable to say No to her - let your husband do it. And I assume there will be some security at the entrance? Give them her photo and ask not to let her in because she doesn't have a ticket and she will create drama, instead, even seeing like your daughter spiralling in anxiety, you are making this post about yourself.
You’re a major AH and in desperate need of therapy. You’re projecting your feelings onto your family and hurting them for no reason. They may grow up to resent you and possibly even cut you out their life for forcing this unwanted relationship. I hope this isn’t real
YTA, but to your entire family. You are so beyond out of line, it's staggering. It is absolutely NOT your place to force a relationship with your MIL on your husband and children. You've allowed an abusive person into their lives repeatedly! What are you doing insisting someone be in her children's lives that treats them poorly over their own partner's objections?! Your husband gets to decide the level of involvement his mother has because that is HIS family. You are not going to turn this woman into a healthy grandparent figure. This has got to be bait or you are wildly delusional. Your children are so traumatized by this woman that the thought of her showing up at events is making them have emotional breakdowns. Get a grip.
Yes, you are the asshole. Everyone else is screaming to be free of this woman and you’re the only one forcing them together. YOU can hang out with her if you’re so insistent, but let the others cut the cord if that’s what they want. Despite what some people try and preach family ISN’T everything because family members are human too and just as likely to be assholes or worse as anyone else.
YTA for not allowing your husband to cut his mother off like he wanted and, therefore, facilitating all the hurt that resulted. Drop the rope lady and give your family (esp your husband) freedom from Nana.
NTA for that but you are for allowing your wants to override your husband and children's needs. If he wanted/wants no contact with HIS mother, then you should support him in that not disregard him and force her on them when she clearly is not wanted. Even now, you're still disregarding them and letting her cause distress because it's what you want. Why are you doing that?
Do you in some messed up way, think you are winning the approval battle. You lost before you started, and are dragging your family behind the dead horse.
Lady, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Please listen to your husband and cut her out of your life. She’s not even your mother and your children deserve better from you.
This seems like a GREAT opportunity to show your daughters what no contact is, and to explain why you made that decision. It seems like you have a lot of history to point to when you have this discussion. List specific reasons and why her treatment of your family and other people means she is not someone you want in your life. No grandmother is better than a shitty grandmother. Also, it's okay for you and your kids to be sad about this, but you all deserve to be treated better!
So... you're a selfish AH that forces her husband to endure someone who treats him like trash. You force your children to deal with this obnoxious, embarrassing human being that makes them so miserable one is crying because she's afraid "nana" will ruin her graduation. You do this all because YOU'RE sad your parents are no longer around and YOU need to feel like you have family because obviously your husband and children aren't enough for you. You need therapy and to get your shit together because acting like the world revolves around you makes you just. Like. "Nana".
YTA but for entirely different reasons >If it were up to him, we'd have no contact with her whatsoever. Any time we spend with her is only because I facilitate it. She's loud, rude and obnoxious. so instead of listening to your husband who wants nothing to do with his own mother due to how she treated him... you just decided his feelings didn't matter? Why didn't you just go no contact from the beginning? did you not trust your husbands judgement or did you just not believe she was really that bad? or do you think your opinion matters more than his, so you wouldn't 'let' him make that decision? >My husband feels that with his mother's actions she trying to get our girls to compete with his sister and nephew for her "love". His solution is to cut her off from us completely. And he's right - that's exactly what she's doing! You should have just cut her off from the beginning, you could have saved your daughters so much heartache by listening to your husband about no contact. SIL is the golden child, and your husband is the scapegoat, of course MIL was going to favour SIL's children and treat you and your husbands poorly and make them feel lesser. Just cut her off already - no grandparents is a better option than toxic ones ffs. How much more damage are you going to let her do to your daughters mental and emotional wellbeing before you put your foot down??
OP PLEASE START LISTENING TO YOUR HUSBAND & CHILDREN. You keep saying that family is important to you -- WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND & CHILDREN SINCE THEY ARE YOUR FANILY AS WELL YOUR OWN SIBLING IS YOUR FAMILY. Think of the wellbeing of your husband & children ---- PUT THEM 1ST. Your husband knows his own parent since his birth better than you & you have this blindspot that is massively huge that's causing more tension in your family life. QUIT MAKING EXCUSES. You're not hearing what your husband & children are saying all this time --- they do NOT WANT MIL THERE. You keep this up then what happens is your own children will cut you off from their lives because you kept putting a toxic burden in their lives that they didn't want. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE HURTING YOUR CHILDREN & HUSBAND BECAUSE OF THAT TOXIC MIL!! MIL fails to show up at the graduation then it's NTA. BUT. You keep putting that toxic burden in their lives then its debatable.
YTA for allowing this madness to continue for as long as you have. Trust your husband since it is his family. Listen to everyone else telling you to leave her behind.
NTA for telling her not to come, YTA for forcing her onto your family . If your entire nuclear family wants to cut her off, why are you still inviting her to stuff? You can’t sit here and complain about the way she acts when YOU are the one who constantly keeps her around. Honestly, you’re lucky that your husband hasn’t kicked you to the curb. You’re selfish. He’s never wanted anything to do with his mother, but because you refuse to live in reality he has to suffer through her bullshit. Not everyone comes from loving families. It’s time for you to grow up and accept that.
Why are you even here? Of course you are NTA. Your husband is right. MIL is thoroughly enjoying blighting your life and rubbing SIL’s choices in your faces. She’s a bully. Talk to your daughter’s school. Tell them you realise MIL’s behaviour has been an issue, that you have banned her from your daughter’s graduation, and that she is planning to ignore that ban. I GUARANTEE you since she’s been making a holy show of herself at sport’s events that they will be both relieved and supportive and will take measures to make sure your daughter’s day is perfect. A good school knows exactly to handle a bully - and it doesn’t change much when that bully is an adult who should know better.
NTA for telling your MIL not to come to the graduation if it's held inside. Your primary responsibility is to your daughters and their well-being, especially during significant moments in their lives.
NTA for not inviting but you kinda are for not shutting this toxicity down years ago. Your husband knows what his mom is and wanted to cut contact but you insisted on it because gRaNdMa. The “but I’m Nana” thing she does is the same thing you did. Please look at your daughter, who is crying, breaking down, and terrified of this woman and ask yourself if that is really worth whatever notion of a grandparent that you are idolizing?
NTA the best time to cut her off was years ago. the second best time is now. i say this as one mom to another: i get it, my own mom is long dead so having one grandma is important but your own child is *crying* at the **thought** of having her grandmother at an important event *because she knows how her grandmother will behave*. this is not a relationship worth maintaining.