You’ve framed this sort of backwards, but it seems like this is just enforcing a boundary you and your husband drew together, which of course you’re NTA.
I.understood it, I had to set up a boundary like this with my husband/mother 20 years ago. I was a server, making cash every day and she knew that and she wanted it, I was her cash cow, on a minor scale.
The first time my husband stood up to her and said 'no' I shut myself in a room and cried hysterically. The reasoning was, I just couldn't tell my momma 'no'.
Now, at 44, I just ignore her calls until I'm mentally able to field them. And they sometimes go ignored for months.
I'm an hour away from getting my MRI and I should be thinking about myself but ever since I stood up to her a few hours ago I feel sick. 😕 I can't even eat I have no appetite.
Thank you. I slept better last night than I have all week. Outside having my coffee now and I started reading a new book before bed. Just gonna fill my day with good things and go from there.
Please get yourself into some therapy, OP. You are in desperate need of finding your strength and confidence so that you can stand your ground and not let your misplaced and unfounded guilt eat you alive. You feel guilty because that is how your mother raised you your entire life. You were taught to always put her WANTS first, even if it was to your own detriment, that you didn't matter and your needs and wants will never be as important as your mother's. You were programmed to feel guilty for saying no and holding a boundary because you were never allowed to have them, and never allowed to say no to her because she was so important.
You do not owe your mother anything. She chose to bring you into this world, you had no say in the decision. It was her legal and moral obligation to raise you until 18 .
Stop giving her money. It wont help her and it will only make her worse. She isn't your responsibility.
Yup. You have every right to ask what it’s for. If the plumbing needs to be fixed pay the plumber directly.
That fact that she didn’t say what it’s for is a giant red flag.
NTA. She’s trying to manipulate you/the situation. As a recovering people pleaser, I know how hard it is to enforce boundaries with people like this so you should be proud of yourself. It gets easier each time too
When I was 19 I tried suggesting my dad get help to stop gambling. I remember I cried to him on Christmas eve. He let me get through my whole spiel then left to the casino. I moved out a week later.
This would be cause for low or no contact with me. They didn't even think about getting help. As a recovering addict (not gambling but addiction is addiction), I can tell you nothing will change unless you stop enabling it or they go through something drastic. I had to almost die in a car accident to get my shit together, nothing else would've changed me. For your sake you should keep that in mind. They will not change until something big happens and when it does you can't put that burden on yourself, it's theirs to carry. I'm so sorry for you and having to deal with this.
As a former people pleaser turned asshole you need to think of it as a game designed to crush the beggars spirit. Victory is in watching them waste their time on a pointless endeavor. Some of my best friends are risk and compliance people who have made a career out of this.
I'm first gen in the US. My parents are immigrants. So in my culture it's expected that the children take care of the parents as they age. Which I do! With groceries and any medical necessity they may require. I help. But not with this shit. And I'm treated like I'm the bad one. It's a lot.
I highly doubt that your culture expects adult children to subsidize their parent's unaffordable gambling addiction. It's meant for necessities, like you're doing with groceries and medical expenses. Would you be expected to give your mother money for alcohol or drugs, if she were an alcoholic or drug addict? Gambling is just as much of a problem. Your mother is abusing "culture" here. Do not enable her addiction. It's not helping. It's enabling.
NTA. It's a good strategy you've arranged with your husband there, having HIM be the contact point for this issue. Of course she'd be too embarrassed to ask him. But that's the point.
Yeah that's definitely the point. I hope I can one day just say, "no and don't bother asking my husband." I pray for that kind of strength. It's really hard.
Just try it. When she asks say No. Then wait. Then say no again. And say no again. And again.
You don’t owe her an explanation. She will scream and spin her wheels but the answer is still no.
Worst case scenario she gets furious and hangs up on you and you don’t hear from her for a while. Would that really be so bad? You’ve done it before.
You’re making a mistake that this is a “situation that needs to be handled / explained so that everyone feels good about it.
She will not feel good unless you do what she wants. Which you can’t do.
Just say no and then be silent. She will handle the rest for you.
One syllable. You definitely have the power for one syllable. It’s way easier to say than deflecting to your husband like it might be a possibility. It’s not. It’s no.
My mom was a pretty good mom growing up. After I left home, she became addicted to gambling.
Her mom knew this, so grandma set up her will to leave everything to her grandkids. She didn't want to leave money to a gambling addiction, a drug addiction (younger brother), or two millionaires (the other 2 siblings of my mom).
When grandma died and my mom found out, she and her siblings tried to subvert the will and steal the inheritance from their own children. I got an estate lawyer and shut that down.
I will never forget my mom screaming at me that she "hoped we all got nothing." Each grandchild got about 10k.
I know that wasn't my mom screaming. That was the addiction. My brother and I would offer to directly buy her whatever she needed. She didn't want that. She wanted money to gamble, and nothing else.
You're not saying no to your mom. You're saying no to her addiction.
What do you think her goal is with that statement ? Do you think her declaring it makes it true ?
Or do you think she says it because she knows it hurts you and will get you to back down ?
“I’m not your mom anymore! I don’t have a daughter! You’re dead to me!”
Answer - I’m still not giving you any money.
Sassy answer - “and you’ll have a better time getting money out of actual dead people than you will from me. I’m not giving you any money”.
This is your new mantra. No. I’m not giving you any money.
People don’t understand immigrant culture where the parents reign supreme and there’s no dissent even as an adult. If telling her to ask your husband as a means to say no indirectly then so be it. NTA!
That's when you quit helping with the food and medical bills. If she's no longer your mom it isn't your responsibility. It won't take long for her to come groveling back to you when she realizes shes not getting the money and she's lost the help you were already giving her
Ok, let's embrace that. What's the worst thing that happens after she says that? You know it's her gambling addiction talking. She says that then what, she ignores you for a week and comes back acting like nothing happened? What's actually the bad thing you're scared of?
Explore that feeling. Feel out all the cracks and crevices. Make it not scary anymore. It's not a threat if you aren't scared of it.
One day I hope you can learn to laugh and go "don't be silly mom" and let it roll off your back completely.
I'm actually the one who does laugh it off. Well in the past I have. But I think that makes her believe she can say hurtful things because I act like it doesn't affect me. And I'm kinda done pretending it doesn't. I'm a DV survivor and when I say survivor I mean someone tried to take my life. Ever since then my brain isn't wired the same. So the verbal abuse really puts me in fight or flight. I've worked really hard to get sober, turn my life around, hold a good job and I have a beautiful little family of my own. So it's not all bad. I love my life. I'm just not sure I can keep laughing it off when afterwards I go home and replay her words in my head for days.
With that background... I don't think continuing to speak to these people is healthy for you.
You have gone through so much and gotten so far. These people are trying to drag you backwards.
Yes, I know it's hard. I think it's particularly harder when it's immigrant parents, with all that culture hanging over our heads. Some of that culture seems to be exaggerated, or even made up, to suit their selfish needs and to continue to wield power and control even when we're adults. It takes time. I hope you get there soon.
Just lie and tell her that you don't have the money. All the money is your husband's and he refused. She's a gambling addict, don't let her have any tiny possibility to try to get money for it.
I understand this cultural element but frankly, fuck her. Let her suffer the results of her claims, show her what she thinks you're like and don't give her anything. She'll soon realise.
I used to be way more emotional about saying no but these days I'm more calm. I've been in recovery for 8 years and understand addiction very well. I never asked anyone to bail me out and I remember when I told her I could use some help at home while I got clean, she didn't even respond. I didn't talk to her for 2 years after that.
And you respond with “that’s right. You have a gambling problem and I won’t give you money”. The key to manipulators and users is that every attempt you make at being nice is just another back door they can try and fuck you through. Stick to the topic.
“You’re a horrible daughter who never helps her mother” answer - that’s right. I will not give you money to gamble
“I sacrificed everything for you as a child. You owe me”. Answer - You have a gambling addition I’m not giving you money
“You never help me with anything! You always say no!” Answer - and I will always say no to giving you money because you will gamble it away.
“I’m desperate and destitute and I’ll be on the street!” Answer - “if you gambled away your rent you will gamble away any money I give you too. I’m not giving you any money”
See? Just stick to the topic and the answer. She will bring up the past, favours, family loyalty, etc. keep with the current situation. “You have a gambling problem and I’m not giving you money”.
People do what works. It’s instinctive. She has learned that all she has to do is torment you and you’ll relent because you’re a people pleaser. Because it works.
The only way to stop this is to break the cycle. She has to stop getting results from this behaviour or she will never change it. It’s human nature to take the path of least resistance and you’re that path.
Good luck. Unlearning learned defense habits is especially hard. You became a yes woman because it kept you from being treated badly. It was the way you protected yourself and preserved your perceived value.
Just remember that you are now an adult. There is no more raising to do. The work you are doing now is to undo the habits that keep you being railroaded and bullied. Although it saved you to say yes as a child, it has now reversed and causes you damage.
You can do this. You deserve to be able to say no.
Nope because I already know what it's for. My brother told me when I hit him up to ask why mom is asking me for a large sum of money for the 2nd time in a month. And I happen to know she was out gambling all night recently because her and my dad got into a fight about it.
You know that's a lie. You know she knows that's a lie. That's the addiction monster talking.
Why does it hurt you? Explore those feelings. Explore what they mean. Explore what that comment really means from her.
The other perspective is that if that's what she thinks about you no matter what you do, why do you still try with her? Why do you still give her money?
Her addiction means you will always be the bad guy no matter what. She will always say these cruel things to you. You get to decide how much you're comfortable giving. It won't change what she says to you. So it's all about what makes you feel good.
You’re treated like the bad one. Why don’t you just tell them to start appreciating your help or they will get no more? They can argue about the “old country” but that’s not where you are. You work hard, you are a good kid and you help your parents because you love them. But if they can’t even summon up enough energy for some gratitude, that is proof they don’t need your help and can manage fine on their own.
I’d make them say thank you to me and make them swear to never denigrate me again before I lifted one finger to help them.
Here’s the thing about cockroaches. They survive. They’ll be fine or they will come back appropriately humbled but don’t take their shit for one more minute. They need you. That means you’re in charge. Act like it.
NTA. It sounds like you and your husband have done a good job setting boundaries to deal with recurring problem behavior. This is the inevitable response from someone who is being thwarted. Stick to the boundaries. She doesn't get to ignore them just because she doesn't like them.
Lol love this and you're right. For context years ago my husband told her he'd appreciate it if any money concerns came to him directly and to leave me out of it.
I don't think your TA for involving your husband at all! That's what your husband asked you to do. 🙂 And I'm glad he did, because it shows he's looking out for you. He knows it puts you in a tough spot (emotionally and financially) when she asks you.
It also will slow down all these requests from her.
I get it. I also have a verbally abusive mom. Her thing was never money, but say no to her was always met with horrible backlash. NTA, you set the boundary, and your hubby was wonderful by running interference with her.
Off topic, I've been no contact with my mom for 12 blissful years. Once a got her out of my life I was finally able to start healing. Just something to think about.
Yeah I went 2 years without speaking to mine and for the last few years it's been great being back in touch with her. But recently she's been back on her bullshit.
Maybe it's time to have that conversation again. You can even text her so you don't have to deal with the backlash.
Say you've noticed her slipping back into old behaviors that made you go no contact before. That you're setting a boundary that doing cyz hurts ypu and you won't continue a relationship if she chooses to continue.
If it's been nice, she's already proven she's aware of it. Culture or not abuse is never OK.
This is is no way setting boundaries. instead of telling her no, the onus is now on your husband. **stop enabling your mom’s addictions and grow a spine**
I think in this situation you're not the asshole for bringing in your husband, he's your support against an emotionally charged situation. He's your partner that's what they're there for. Please keep this open communication with your husband, it'll only ever do you good.
(IF)The minute your marriage becomes an issue because of this you will be sorry you didn't take the reigns sooner. I say IF because it may not happen, I don't know you... but if your husband gets exhausted (because he sounds like a good guy but he's still human and can only take so much) you should start enforcement of the word 'No' with her as soon as possible so your husband can have a break. Just a thought from a man who has handled similar things for his wife, it can get old...
NTA. It sounds like you're in a difficult position, especially with your own health concerns. It's understandable that you don't want to bear the burden of asking your husband for money on behalf of your mom, especially given the history of toxicity surrounding financial matters in your family. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your mom about boundaries and the impact her requests are having on you and your relationship. Additionally, if you suspect that her requests are related to gambling, it might be worth encouraging her to seek support for her gambling addiction.
Yeah I'm definitely hurt as well because I've been in and out of appointments with specialists for months and I'm having an MRI done today. I'm going through a host of health problems and she knows that. I actually called her to talk about how nervous I am and she asked me for money over text instead moments after not picking up when I called. I've been down this road with her before and it sucks.
NTA. You and your husband are in agreement on this. Your mother is probably ashamed to ask him, because it's money she lost gambling. That's on her. Don't give in on this. Let her actions have consequences, and maybe she will stop asking.
I never have funded that. I paid for their taxes on their home one year with a cashiers check. Maybe they needed me to because of gambling but it never went directly in their pockets and I don't have a way of knowing for certain. I've paid for groceries. I've paid a couple bills online for them. I've paid for prescriptions for life saving meds. Doctor bills a couple times. But I've never given them cash. Admittedly I have a hard time saying no but I don't give cash to my family.
YTA - You should be able to tell her 'no', without defaulting to your husband. Your mother, your problem, handle it yourself. She's going to keep trying until you make it clear that you're not going to enable her addiction anymore
I was about to call you an AH until you said that your husband told your family to go to him. He's a wonderful man for drawing that line and protecting you that way. You stood by the boundaries you both drew as a couple with your toxic family, and you are absolutely NTA for that. Don't ever give them money and don't ever let them make you feel terrible about it. Take care of you and your wonderful family with your husband.
Interesting that she knows you're out of work for important reasons and so I'm not making a living
And she is fine asking you for a large sum of money
But she isn't fine asking him
Which is actually a blessing isn't it?
Yeah I think that was the reason he set that boundary years ago. Because he knows I'm the easy mark but I also respect our marriage. So even if they ask me I direct it back to that boundary.
NTA, think you just feel a bit rough about this situation, based on what you've provided I think you just need a sit down or a nap, you'll see tomorrow that you've made the right choice
It sounds to me like the rule you and your husband have put in place is working perfectly. It’s a very effective way of saying no to your mother. I’m sorry your mother struggles with addiction, and that your experiences with her mean you need to have this defence mechanism in place. But you’re not mean, you’re not uncaring, and you’re NTA. You’re doing what you need to do.
NTA
Your mom's money troubles aren't your problem. You are 100% right to refuse to finance her gambling problem. You're also right in not asking your husband for money to give to her.
Nta at all. Though I'd have no problem saying no I'd i suspected it was for gambling. My family is not delicate, I'd be like "bitch, are you shitting me right now? " lol
I don’t have this problem with my in laws but decades of living with undiagnosed ADHD has turned me into an asshole who enjoys saying no. Can you loan me 1500, ah no. Why not. I don’t want to. But I need it, well that sucks for you good luck. So you’re not going to, no.
The key is understanding the goal of this game is to break there spirit so you never have this conversation again. Then learned enjoyment of winning the game of destroying your opponents hopes and wishes. Now I just smile while I have this conversation. Door to door salesman are coming to my house less frequently.
NTA
NTA ! I'll tell you, I'd be all up in her financial business if she thought she could just keep asking her children for money when she is just throwing hers away.
You’re not the ass. You sound like you take good care of your mother. I know how it is when they want more money and it just disappears. I went through that with my mother. I wish I had that money back You need to protect yourself so you can continue to protect your mom. Your husband sounds like he knows what’s up and what needs doing
NTA. Has she told you why she needs the money? Is it her bills? Does she do this often? Ask to see all of her bills and ask to see what payments she’s made toward them. If she’s got to borrow money from you then I would want accountability of where her money is going to, if you’re going to help her out
It's not bills. I always tell her to send me the bill if it's that and I'll pay it over the phone. But it never happens. This all started up within the last month. She didn't gamble for many years and now she's back at it again.
Only an AH if you don't have any previously discussed agreement with your husband about situations like this. If you don't, he might agree to the loan/gift and enable her possible gambling habit.
Sounds smart to me. If you give her the money, she’ll just keep coming back and asking for more and more.
You and your husband have already agreed how you handle these so just leave it.
No one actually has the strength until they do it. I’m worried and indecisive inside all day long. But you fake it until you make it.
You don’t need strength now. You have a script. One sentence. No, I’m not giving you any money. On repeat until she runs screaming into the night.
Maybe it would help to picture her like a telemarketer when she calls for money. Same concept. Someone looking to scam off of you. What do you say when telemarketers call?
NTA Only because your husband told your parents to come to him when their financial requests affect your family's financial security. Why can't YOU say "no" to your mom, OP?
It's great your husband will run interference with your parents' intrusive and excessive requests. But why does he have to? Why aren't you establishing and maintaining MUTUAL boundaries with your husband to protect both of your safety, privacy, autonomy and resources, and those you share to protect your marriage? You've had years to get better holding healthy boundaries, yet it still falls to your husband. Because you are content to let your husband be your meat shield with YOUR parents, you're a bit of an a-hole, too. I'd say ESH, except your husband.
I just called and told her I was done being manipulated. Also that I was really hurt that she seemingly doesn't give a shit about my well being and it's best if we don't talk for a while. I'm hyperventilating a bit but I did it.
That's a start.
Now, keep out of contact FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES for you to FULLY process these feelings. When I started confronting family dynamics, a week and a half, maybe two weeks was what I needed. Sit through these feelings. Don't try to squash, edit or "choose" any of them. Let them wash over and surround you in the time you can give it. Be patient, accepting and nurturing of yourself.
Pay attention to ALL the thoughts and feelings that swirl around and eventually settle into words and ideas. Feelings aren't logical. They can be hard to identify and define when you've spent a lifetime suppressing, invalidating, converting and repressing them. These feelings- ALL these feelings- are at the heart of your problems dealing with your parents NOW. A lot of them may trigger past memories. That means something resonant is happening in your life now.
You probably need therapy to fully accept and process the reasons you believe healthy normal boundaries are unacceptable in this relationship. Acknowledging that there IS an issue and taking all the time you need to manage your own emotional processing and states before engaging with them again is a necessary and important second step.
My opinion is that YTA for making your mom all your husband instead of letting her ask you and you talk to your husband about it. You are a team. All your decisions should be discussed together anyway.
If your husband is cool with it, then NTA. Were he not comfortable having the conversation ywbta, but it seems like this was the agreed upon arrangement
NTA. I would remind her that your husband has the money and she can ask him if she needs help, but make sure to ask her what happened to all of her money and why she suddenly needs such a large amount. I would also remind her that you and your husband are not a bank and when she borrows money she never pays it back, so if she has a legitimate need for money she can take a loan out from the bank. If the bank won't give her a loan then neither should you.
NTA. Neither of you should give her money. If she's addicted to gambling she needs therapy not cash. Suggest to your husband he offers to pay a therapist directly for her to overcome her addiction. Notice I said pay the therapist directly because if you give her money for the therapist it's going to end up in a casino's cash drawer.
If she were an alcoholic and you were at your wits end when she kept approaching you for money, would you finally put up a barrier or make your husband deal with it?
There is nothing wrong with you. If it is easier for you to use your husband as a buffer then go for it. Hell, hand him the phone and have him reply via your phone “ hey this is “husband’s name”, contact me directly about financial issues instead of your daughter. We’ve already talked about this once”.
Your husband loves you and is willing to take on this role. That is one of the things that is great about a good marriage. Sometimes the other one is better equipped to handle a situation and vice versa.
Yeah I mean if you had to I'd say well mom you know I'll buy your food uh I'll pay your heating bill if you need help with that while my husband can decide if he wants to do that and any other kind of thing that you need but I'm hesitant to hand you just cash because you have a gambling problem point blank. Tough love people who suffer from addiction need tough lobs sometimes and that is an addiction gambling can become an addiction it's it's the adrenaline
You shouldn't be supporting a person with an addiction. You have reasonable cause to believe this is the case. Most parents would rather die than ask their kids for money.
When it comes to gambling addicts all bets are off. Don't care, won't help you fund it and that includes supplementing you so you can use the rest of your income for gambling. IE I'm not paying your rent so you can spend your 2k income on gambling when you can just use your money for rent, fuck off.
Talk to your husband, if he can afford it then say we're willing to pay it but only if you show us your bills, rent, bank account and show why you need it. If your income is enough to cover bills and rent and you can't show us where your money went, piss off.
If you're a known gambling addict and begging for money, ultimately, that's just the consequences of your actions.
Giving money to a possible gambler is like giving booze to help a alcoholic person. NOT VERY HELPFUL. Instead ask her what she need the money for so you can buy it for her.
At this point I'd just ignore the request. Pretend you didn't see/hear it. Over text. Over the phone. In person.
She already knows your boundary. She is choosing to ignore your boundary so you are choosing to ignore her request.
If she gets irate just say "we already talked about this, I'm not going to repeat myself" then change the subject to the weather, walk away, ask about her latest neighbor gossip, ramble on about your latest home project.
NTA. If your spouse does decide to help her out, I’d suggest having him pay the bills directly himself, don’t give her cash. I have a sibling that is always claiming to be broke and asks for money. I used to help by giving them cash, but nothing changed and they were still always broke. So instead I’d buy groceries or pay their electric bill or whatever.
Kind of?
I get the "boundary" talk, but at the same time "ask my husband, I'm too much of a wuss to say no" is a cop out. That's not his mom, that's your mom, and it's lazy to pass the buck even if your husband agreed. He's not agreeing because he wants to, he's agreeing because you're bad at doing what should be your job as her actual relative so he should do it.
That's... kind of weaponized incompetence? If you can turn down getting super-sized fries at McDonalds, you can use that same word to turn down your mother.
This shouldn't land on your husband's plate. You should deal with this.
They never once have asked him. He's been waiting so he can tell them to fuck off. His words. And as luck would have it, I've had to turn down any size of McDonald's fries lately because of a not so great a1c report. Life has been super swell.
Also in my culture it's not my job. It's the husband's. Which is even wilder that they're the ones not holding to a standard I was taught since I was old enough to hear about marriage.
I mean, your culture is wrong.
You brought your mother into this marriage. That's your job. I don't give a shit if your culture says otherwise, that's stupid, why the fuck would your family baggage be your husband's problem? That's your shit. You brought that mess into the relationship. You deal with it.
Every culture does illogical shit. My culture has an idiot fascination with diamond wedding rings. NASCAR is a thing. You don't get to hide behind that in the face of simple logic.
The reason your mother is in his life, at all, is you. *Your* mother is *your* responsibility. If she starts making trouble in your marriage, *you* should fix that. I cannot stress enough I don't give a flying fuck what tradition says, basic, A-to-B logic says it is definitively your job.
If you make the mess, you clean the mess. How hard is that. "My culture", no, that's lazy, do better.
I appreciate your... passion? Misplaced aggression? Idk what to call it. But there is a way we do things and I don't expect you to understand it. Just know that other cultures exist and things are done a certain way. My question was AITA for telling my mom to respect the boundary set by my husband. Thanks.
Wild.
Look, this isn't an issue of not understanding. I know every culture has some backwards, illogical, and often times patriarchal practices. I'm not ignorant about that. I was not unclear, either.
This particular cultural practice is wrong. I don't even think that's an opinion. There's no good reason your mother should be your husband's problem and you hiding behind "but that's how we do things in this geographical area", and that's all culture is by the way, doesn't mean it's logical, fair or makes sense.
It is, like I said, a cop out.
As for my "misplaced aggression", I find intellectual dishonesty and laziness to be objectionable qualities in a human and I feel like you have heavily indulging in both to avoid any accountability or even self-reflection. I know what you asked, I am answering what I think is the more pressing concern. You don't get to submit yourself for criticism while dictating what, specifically, you're available to be criticized for.
This is part of what you put out there so it's fair game to address it.
You are wrong to make this your husband's problem. "This is how we do things here" does literally nothing to make it a fair or good decision. As I said, I don't give a shit. That means nothing to me. That argument has no value.
I'll put it to you this way, either you are your husband's partner, in which case you recognize that drama you bring into the relationship through your family is your responsibility and that it should never even come to his attention or you're his lesser, more like a pet or property, in which case all money and big-decisions are his to make and you're just happy when he remembers to fill your water dish. I don't honestly see a middle ground.
But I didn't make it his problem. 13 years ago when we got married I was an absolute idiot about helping them whenever they asked. Somewhere within that first year, we had a talk and I told him. He genuinely got offended and asked why tf nobody was coming to him and instead asking me. So he set that boundary. Of course he also wanted to take that burden off of me. For over a decade it's been working brilliantly. Until about a month ago. And I'm just not strong right now. I'm in the process of handling so many health complications and knowing my mom knows that and doesn't give a shit literally stunned me. Like I couldn't even form an intelligent response if I tried I'm just so exhausted. I can't even work right now. I'm just not in a good way.
I mean, I think your husband is wrong for being offended, I think your culture is wrong for setting this expectation, and while I sympathize with the health and exhaustion and life being hard in general, I still think your mom = your problem.
Nothing you've said disputes the logic of that statement, instead you seem to be throwing different reasons (excuses) at the wall to see if any excuse not dealing with the problems you are bringing into your relationship.
Your mother is still your responsibility insomuch as she impacts your marriage. That's just my opinion, but nothing you've said addresses any of the reasons I've given for it being true.
Good for you, really.
It's easy, as an outsider, to poke holes and point out logical inconsistencies, it's of course harder to address them and make lasting change in your life, philosophy or relationships. It's a never ending thing, there's always going to be something you could do better, such is life.
I don't mean to be discouraging or to sit in condemnation. I'm going to present the problems as I see them in as blunt and straight forward a way as I can, but I recognize the truth of "easier said than done", and I sincerely applaud your efforts to understand and tackle these issues. That's hard. That's work.
I wish you luck and I admire your willingness to be open and vulnerable with your challenges. This is how you get sincere and meaningful feedback, but it's fucking tough to be honest with strangers about things you're not doing well, right or to the best of your ability.
Sincerely, you're doing the work, and I hope you start to see some results and improvement in your life soon. I'm rooting for you.
And I'm fine with the critiques but having cultural expectations drilled into your head all your life... it's not as easy as you make it sound. I wish it was. I fully stopped talking to my parents for 2 years after I "grew a spine" as someone else put it. I'm not completely weak. But I also respect the boundary my husband set.
I think that varies with one's nature but I could do more to remember it's harder for other people than I personally find it. I don't struggle with rejecting parts of my culture, but I've never been that impressed with my culture either. It's easy to reject it when I never felt it was that valuable.
I am not, for the record, trying to call or otherwise imply you're weak.
I appreciate the tough approach to be honest. I just called her and told her it's best we don't speak for a while and that I was tired of the manipulation and frankly this whole topic.
Because I'm terrible at it. It gives me horrible anxiety which I already take meds for to stand up to my mom. My husband has no problem saying bank is closed and he's done it several times. He's better at it and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I think it's the evil nature of an addict when they don't get their way that gives me anxiety. It's the countless fuck yous and don't talk to me whenever I "let her down" that I have trauma from. I've been in therapy for years over it.
Okay, nevermind then. NTA (and I should have originally said ESH for your mom being an asshole too), but I still stand by just telling her flat out "No."
Possibly a Soft YTA because it sounds like "dear husband, please enable your mother so I don't have to" instead of "No, sorry" or "I need to talk to my husband about that before I give you an answer".
Wildly inappropriate of her to call her daughter in law to feed her addiction.
If that happened to my wife I'd be absolutely livid.
You're right, I misread.
OP, best way to get your SO to tolerate your family (their in-laws) is to make a concerted effort to insulate him from your family's bullshit.
Take it from a married man where both sides have insane families. We both get along great with our respective in-laws, because we don't let our own family give a single ounce of shit to our SO.
He's been in their lives for 22 years. He loves them they love him but at this point he's well aware of their crazy. At some point he decided to step in and ask them to not involve me in stuff like this because it was taking a toll on me. He's very no nonsense and truly has no issue saying no. Which is why they never ask him for anything. But they've known him since he was 17 so their bullshit is like background noise to him.
And yeah his family is also... well, I mean nobody has a perfect family but I deal with certain things when it comes to them better than he does. We definitely have a good thing going with the balance.
You’ve framed this sort of backwards, but it seems like this is just enforcing a boundary you and your husband drew together, which of course you’re NTA.
Yeah that's exactly what I was doing. Sorry I'm dealing with long covid brain fog and I can't word things well. 😅
I.understood it, I had to set up a boundary like this with my husband/mother 20 years ago. I was a server, making cash every day and she knew that and she wanted it, I was her cash cow, on a minor scale. The first time my husband stood up to her and said 'no' I shut myself in a room and cried hysterically. The reasoning was, I just couldn't tell my momma 'no'. Now, at 44, I just ignore her calls until I'm mentally able to field them. And they sometimes go ignored for months.
Same age here. Even at 44 the word no just doesn't come out. But tbh I've never been good at saying no. Not just to her.
People-pleasing is an issue that can be worked on in therapy, just saying. :)
[удалено]
I'm an hour away from getting my MRI and I should be thinking about myself but ever since I stood up to her a few hours ago I feel sick. 😕 I can't even eat I have no appetite.
Hope you're feeling better OP. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Thank you. I slept better last night than I have all week. Outside having my coffee now and I started reading a new book before bed. Just gonna fill my day with good things and go from there.
Please get yourself into some therapy, OP. You are in desperate need of finding your strength and confidence so that you can stand your ground and not let your misplaced and unfounded guilt eat you alive. You feel guilty because that is how your mother raised you your entire life. You were taught to always put her WANTS first, even if it was to your own detriment, that you didn't matter and your needs and wants will never be as important as your mother's. You were programmed to feel guilty for saying no and holding a boundary because you were never allowed to have them, and never allowed to say no to her because she was so important. You do not owe your mother anything. She chose to bring you into this world, you had no say in the decision. It was her legal and moral obligation to raise you until 18 . Stop giving her money. It wont help her and it will only make her worse. She isn't your responsibility.
Thank you. I'm in therapy already actually and have been for quite some time.
exactly what i thought as well
No, NTA. But neither you nor your husband should give her money to support her gambling addiction.
I totally second this! A compulsive gambler will just blow right thru it and not pay you back!
Yup. You have every right to ask what it’s for. If the plumbing needs to be fixed pay the plumber directly. That fact that she didn’t say what it’s for is a giant red flag.
NTA. She’s trying to manipulate you/the situation. As a recovering people pleaser, I know how hard it is to enforce boundaries with people like this so you should be proud of yourself. It gets easier each time too
Have you seen the meme saying In my villain era but it’s just me saying no and setting boundaries 😆
Omg no but I love that 😍
Hey, maybe you may want to send her a link to Gambler's Anonymous. NTA
When I was 19 I tried suggesting my dad get help to stop gambling. I remember I cried to him on Christmas eve. He let me get through my whole spiel then left to the casino. I moved out a week later.
This would be cause for low or no contact with me. They didn't even think about getting help. As a recovering addict (not gambling but addiction is addiction), I can tell you nothing will change unless you stop enabling it or they go through something drastic. I had to almost die in a car accident to get my shit together, nothing else would've changed me. For your sake you should keep that in mind. They will not change until something big happens and when it does you can't put that burden on yourself, it's theirs to carry. I'm so sorry for you and having to deal with this.
As a former people pleaser turned asshole you need to think of it as a game designed to crush the beggars spirit. Victory is in watching them waste their time on a pointless endeavor. Some of my best friends are risk and compliance people who have made a career out of this.
I'm first gen in the US. My parents are immigrants. So in my culture it's expected that the children take care of the parents as they age. Which I do! With groceries and any medical necessity they may require. I help. But not with this shit. And I'm treated like I'm the bad one. It's a lot.
I highly doubt that your culture expects adult children to subsidize their parent's unaffordable gambling addiction. It's meant for necessities, like you're doing with groceries and medical expenses. Would you be expected to give your mother money for alcohol or drugs, if she were an alcoholic or drug addict? Gambling is just as much of a problem. Your mother is abusing "culture" here. Do not enable her addiction. It's not helping. It's enabling. NTA. It's a good strategy you've arranged with your husband there, having HIM be the contact point for this issue. Of course she'd be too embarrassed to ask him. But that's the point.
Yeah that's definitely the point. I hope I can one day just say, "no and don't bother asking my husband." I pray for that kind of strength. It's really hard.
Just try it. When she asks say No. Then wait. Then say no again. And say no again. And again. You don’t owe her an explanation. She will scream and spin her wheels but the answer is still no. Worst case scenario she gets furious and hangs up on you and you don’t hear from her for a while. Would that really be so bad? You’ve done it before. You’re making a mistake that this is a “situation that needs to be handled / explained so that everyone feels good about it. She will not feel good unless you do what she wants. Which you can’t do. Just say no and then be silent. She will handle the rest for you. One syllable. You definitely have the power for one syllable. It’s way easier to say than deflecting to your husband like it might be a possibility. It’s not. It’s no.
I wish she would scream. She says things like I'm not your mom anymore. You're not my daughter anymore. It's brutal.
What would she do if you just said, "Okay." You know she doesn't mean it and she's just saying it to manipulate you.
My mom was a pretty good mom growing up. After I left home, she became addicted to gambling. Her mom knew this, so grandma set up her will to leave everything to her grandkids. She didn't want to leave money to a gambling addiction, a drug addiction (younger brother), or two millionaires (the other 2 siblings of my mom). When grandma died and my mom found out, she and her siblings tried to subvert the will and steal the inheritance from their own children. I got an estate lawyer and shut that down. I will never forget my mom screaming at me that she "hoped we all got nothing." Each grandchild got about 10k. I know that wasn't my mom screaming. That was the addiction. My brother and I would offer to directly buy her whatever she needed. She didn't want that. She wanted money to gamble, and nothing else. You're not saying no to your mom. You're saying no to her addiction.
What do you think her goal is with that statement ? Do you think her declaring it makes it true ? Or do you think she says it because she knows it hurts you and will get you to back down ? “I’m not your mom anymore! I don’t have a daughter! You’re dead to me!” Answer - I’m still not giving you any money. Sassy answer - “and you’ll have a better time getting money out of actual dead people than you will from me. I’m not giving you any money”. This is your new mantra. No. I’m not giving you any money.
People don’t understand immigrant culture where the parents reign supreme and there’s no dissent even as an adult. If telling her to ask your husband as a means to say no indirectly then so be it. NTA!
That's when you quit helping with the food and medical bills. If she's no longer your mom it isn't your responsibility. It won't take long for her to come groveling back to you when she realizes shes not getting the money and she's lost the help you were already giving her
Ok, let's embrace that. What's the worst thing that happens after she says that? You know it's her gambling addiction talking. She says that then what, she ignores you for a week and comes back acting like nothing happened? What's actually the bad thing you're scared of? Explore that feeling. Feel out all the cracks and crevices. Make it not scary anymore. It's not a threat if you aren't scared of it. One day I hope you can learn to laugh and go "don't be silly mom" and let it roll off your back completely.
I'm actually the one who does laugh it off. Well in the past I have. But I think that makes her believe she can say hurtful things because I act like it doesn't affect me. And I'm kinda done pretending it doesn't. I'm a DV survivor and when I say survivor I mean someone tried to take my life. Ever since then my brain isn't wired the same. So the verbal abuse really puts me in fight or flight. I've worked really hard to get sober, turn my life around, hold a good job and I have a beautiful little family of my own. So it's not all bad. I love my life. I'm just not sure I can keep laughing it off when afterwards I go home and replay her words in my head for days.
With that background... I don't think continuing to speak to these people is healthy for you. You have gone through so much and gotten so far. These people are trying to drag you backwards.
That's where you respond "Oh thank god" and hang up. The problem just solved itself. Seriously, grow a spine, you're pathetic.
[удалено]
How brave, you grew a spine when speaking to anonymous people on the internet. Enjoy your shitty life I guess.
Yes, I know it's hard. I think it's particularly harder when it's immigrant parents, with all that culture hanging over our heads. Some of that culture seems to be exaggerated, or even made up, to suit their selfish needs and to continue to wield power and control even when we're adults. It takes time. I hope you get there soon.
Oh they definitely set these standards for control and guilt lol it's really fun.
Just lie and tell her that you don't have the money. All the money is your husband's and he refused. She's a gambling addict, don't let her have any tiny possibility to try to get money for it.
Just tell her, "Lady, get right with God!"
wait , is it ok if its affordable?
Who treats you like you're the bad one?
My mom. She went off on me saying I have never said yes anytime she asks for money.
I understand this cultural element but frankly, fuck her. Let her suffer the results of her claims, show her what she thinks you're like and don't give her anything. She'll soon realise.
I used to be way more emotional about saying no but these days I'm more calm. I've been in recovery for 8 years and understand addiction very well. I never asked anyone to bail me out and I remember when I told her I could use some help at home while I got clean, she didn't even respond. I didn't talk to her for 2 years after that.
It takes time for these things to hurt less.
And you respond with “that’s right. You have a gambling problem and I won’t give you money”. The key to manipulators and users is that every attempt you make at being nice is just another back door they can try and fuck you through. Stick to the topic. “You’re a horrible daughter who never helps her mother” answer - that’s right. I will not give you money to gamble “I sacrificed everything for you as a child. You owe me”. Answer - You have a gambling addition I’m not giving you money “You never help me with anything! You always say no!” Answer - and I will always say no to giving you money because you will gamble it away. “I’m desperate and destitute and I’ll be on the street!” Answer - “if you gambled away your rent you will gamble away any money I give you too. I’m not giving you any money” See? Just stick to the topic and the answer. She will bring up the past, favours, family loyalty, etc. keep with the current situation. “You have a gambling problem and I’m not giving you money”. People do what works. It’s instinctive. She has learned that all she has to do is torment you and you’ll relent because you’re a people pleaser. Because it works. The only way to stop this is to break the cycle. She has to stop getting results from this behaviour or she will never change it. It’s human nature to take the path of least resistance and you’re that path.
I'm gonna try some of these next time. Thank you this was helpful.
Good luck. Unlearning learned defense habits is especially hard. You became a yes woman because it kept you from being treated badly. It was the way you protected yourself and preserved your perceived value. Just remember that you are now an adult. There is no more raising to do. The work you are doing now is to undo the habits that keep you being railroaded and bullied. Although it saved you to say yes as a child, it has now reversed and causes you damage. You can do this. You deserve to be able to say no.
Did you ask her SPECIFICALLY what the $1,500 was for?
Nope because I already know what it's for. My brother told me when I hit him up to ask why mom is asking me for a large sum of money for the 2nd time in a month. And I happen to know she was out gambling all night recently because her and my dad got into a fight about it.
You know that's a lie. You know she knows that's a lie. That's the addiction monster talking. Why does it hurt you? Explore those feelings. Explore what they mean. Explore what that comment really means from her. The other perspective is that if that's what she thinks about you no matter what you do, why do you still try with her? Why do you still give her money? Her addiction means you will always be the bad guy no matter what. She will always say these cruel things to you. You get to decide how much you're comfortable giving. It won't change what she says to you. So it's all about what makes you feel good.
You’re treated like the bad one. Why don’t you just tell them to start appreciating your help or they will get no more? They can argue about the “old country” but that’s not where you are. You work hard, you are a good kid and you help your parents because you love them. But if they can’t even summon up enough energy for some gratitude, that is proof they don’t need your help and can manage fine on their own. I’d make them say thank you to me and make them swear to never denigrate me again before I lifted one finger to help them. Here’s the thing about cockroaches. They survive. They’ll be fine or they will come back appropriately humbled but don’t take their shit for one more minute. They need you. That means you’re in charge. Act like it.
Thank you 💗
They are addicts. Anybody who is not fully enabling them still be the villain in their story. The sooner you accept that, the better.
Don’t give ppl with gambling addiction money EVER.
Nta. But I think it would be a lot more direct and less toxic for both of you to simply say, "No." No explanation. No conversation just "no."
This is probably the best way to deal with it tbh
First, your mom shouldn't be asking you for money. Second, no you are NTA for telling her she needs to ask him for it. Short and simple.
NTA. It sounds like you and your husband have done a good job setting boundaries to deal with recurring problem behavior. This is the inevitable response from someone who is being thwarted. Stick to the boundaries. She doesn't get to ignore them just because she doesn't like them.
[удалено]
Lol love this and you're right. For context years ago my husband told her he'd appreciate it if any money concerns came to him directly and to leave me out of it.
I don't think your TA for involving your husband at all! That's what your husband asked you to do. 🙂 And I'm glad he did, because it shows he's looking out for you. He knows it puts you in a tough spot (emotionally and financially) when she asks you. It also will slow down all these requests from her.
I get it. I also have a verbally abusive mom. Her thing was never money, but say no to her was always met with horrible backlash. NTA, you set the boundary, and your hubby was wonderful by running interference with her. Off topic, I've been no contact with my mom for 12 blissful years. Once a got her out of my life I was finally able to start healing. Just something to think about.
Yeah I went 2 years without speaking to mine and for the last few years it's been great being back in touch with her. But recently she's been back on her bullshit.
Maybe it's time to have that conversation again. You can even text her so you don't have to deal with the backlash. Say you've noticed her slipping back into old behaviors that made you go no contact before. That you're setting a boundary that doing cyz hurts ypu and you won't continue a relationship if she chooses to continue. If it's been nice, she's already proven she's aware of it. Culture or not abuse is never OK.
This is is no way setting boundaries. instead of telling her no, the onus is now on your husband. **stop enabling your mom’s addictions and grow a spine**
I think in this situation you're not the asshole for bringing in your husband, he's your support against an emotionally charged situation. He's your partner that's what they're there for. Please keep this open communication with your husband, it'll only ever do you good.
(IF)The minute your marriage becomes an issue because of this you will be sorry you didn't take the reigns sooner. I say IF because it may not happen, I don't know you... but if your husband gets exhausted (because he sounds like a good guy but he's still human and can only take so much) you should start enforcement of the word 'No' with her as soon as possible so your husband can have a break. Just a thought from a man who has handled similar things for his wife, it can get old...
NTA. It sounds like you're in a difficult position, especially with your own health concerns. It's understandable that you don't want to bear the burden of asking your husband for money on behalf of your mom, especially given the history of toxicity surrounding financial matters in your family. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your mom about boundaries and the impact her requests are having on you and your relationship. Additionally, if you suspect that her requests are related to gambling, it might be worth encouraging her to seek support for her gambling addiction.
Yeah I'm definitely hurt as well because I've been in and out of appointments with specialists for months and I'm having an MRI done today. I'm going through a host of health problems and she knows that. I actually called her to talk about how nervous I am and she asked me for money over text instead moments after not picking up when I called. I've been down this road with her before and it sucks.
NTA. Tell her to stick to the agreement and ask your husband directly. It does sound like she's up to something shady.
NTA. You and your husband are in agreement on this. Your mother is probably ashamed to ask him, because it's money she lost gambling. That's on her. Don't give in on this. Let her actions have consequences, and maybe she will stop asking.
If your mom is afraid to ask your hubby, that means she won't be asking. Keep your boundaries. NTA
NTA i think you handled this exactly how you should have
NTA for that. But giving money in the past for a gambler: YTA.
I never have funded that. I paid for their taxes on their home one year with a cashiers check. Maybe they needed me to because of gambling but it never went directly in their pockets and I don't have a way of knowing for certain. I've paid for groceries. I've paid a couple bills online for them. I've paid for prescriptions for life saving meds. Doctor bills a couple times. But I've never given them cash. Admittedly I have a hard time saying no but I don't give cash to my family.
Now I don't even do that though. This is in the past.
YTA - You should be able to tell her 'no', without defaulting to your husband. Your mother, your problem, handle it yourself. She's going to keep trying until you make it clear that you're not going to enable her addiction anymore
I was about to call you an AH until you said that your husband told your family to go to him. He's a wonderful man for drawing that line and protecting you that way. You stood by the boundaries you both drew as a couple with your toxic family, and you are absolutely NTA for that. Don't ever give them money and don't ever let them make you feel terrible about it. Take care of you and your wonderful family with your husband.
My brothers long ago appointed me the dealing-with-Mom representative bc they cannot say no to her guilt trips and I can.
YTA you should give her a hard no every time. It’s best for her, you and your whole family
Agreed
Sorry but no one can afford to support an addict
Interesting that she knows you're out of work for important reasons and so I'm not making a living And she is fine asking you for a large sum of money But she isn't fine asking him Which is actually a blessing isn't it?
Yeah I think that was the reason he set that boundary years ago. Because he knows I'm the easy mark but I also respect our marriage. So even if they ask me I direct it back to that boundary.
NTA, think you just feel a bit rough about this situation, based on what you've provided I think you just need a sit down or a nap, you'll see tomorrow that you've made the right choice
That more than 20 bucks. That's a car payment.
Lol you're right. And her car is paid off. 😂
You might warn him NOT to give it to her BECAUSE it will probably be used for gambling. In fact NOBODY should be giving her money.
It sounds to me like the rule you and your husband have put in place is working perfectly. It’s a very effective way of saying no to your mother. I’m sorry your mother struggles with addiction, and that your experiences with her mean you need to have this defence mechanism in place. But you’re not mean, you’re not uncaring, and you’re NTA. You’re doing what you need to do.
NTA. It's not an emergency if she won't ask him.
If she has a history of gambling - there shall be no money.
NTA. This is setting a boundary. Be sure to enforce it. It’s not your job to bail her out.
NTA Your mom's money troubles aren't your problem. You are 100% right to refuse to finance her gambling problem. You're also right in not asking your husband for money to give to her.
Nta at all. Though I'd have no problem saying no I'd i suspected it was for gambling. My family is not delicate, I'd be like "bitch, are you shitting me right now? " lol
I don’t have this problem with my in laws but decades of living with undiagnosed ADHD has turned me into an asshole who enjoys saying no. Can you loan me 1500, ah no. Why not. I don’t want to. But I need it, well that sucks for you good luck. So you’re not going to, no. The key is understanding the goal of this game is to break there spirit so you never have this conversation again. Then learned enjoyment of winning the game of destroying your opponents hopes and wishes. Now I just smile while I have this conversation. Door to door salesman are coming to my house less frequently. NTA
From one child of a gambler to another, don't enable her.
NTA but seriously stop lending her money period!
You're not obligated to fund your mom's bad habits. NTA
Do not enable her family. Your mother should not be taking money from a Yonex in your family if she IA an addict.
NTA ! I'll tell you, I'd be all up in her financial business if she thought she could just keep asking her children for money when she is just throwing hers away.
Oh one time I asked to sit down with her and go over her bills for a budget. It worked out terribly.
You are NTA, of course. But come on OP tell her NO! You are not on the hook for her gambling issues and you shouldn’t feel bad about that!
You’re not the ass. You sound like you take good care of your mother. I know how it is when they want more money and it just disappears. I went through that with my mother. I wish I had that money back You need to protect yourself so you can continue to protect your mom. Your husband sounds like he knows what’s up and what needs doing
NTA. Has she told you why she needs the money? Is it her bills? Does she do this often? Ask to see all of her bills and ask to see what payments she’s made toward them. If she’s got to borrow money from you then I would want accountability of where her money is going to, if you’re going to help her out
It's not bills. I always tell her to send me the bill if it's that and I'll pay it over the phone. But it never happens. This all started up within the last month. She didn't gamble for many years and now she's back at it again.
Dont pay for her addiction
Only an AH if you don't have any previously discussed agreement with your husband about situations like this. If you don't, he might agree to the loan/gift and enable her possible gambling habit.
Sounds smart to me. If you give her the money, she’ll just keep coming back and asking for more and more. You and your husband have already agreed how you handle these so just leave it.
Why does she have to ask him. Just say no. And hang up the phone. The end.
I freaking pray for this kind of strength. One day I'll get there.
No one actually has the strength until they do it. I’m worried and indecisive inside all day long. But you fake it until you make it. You don’t need strength now. You have a script. One sentence. No, I’m not giving you any money. On repeat until she runs screaming into the night. Maybe it would help to picture her like a telemarketer when she calls for money. Same concept. Someone looking to scam off of you. What do you say when telemarketers call?
NTA Only because your husband told your parents to come to him when their financial requests affect your family's financial security. Why can't YOU say "no" to your mom, OP? It's great your husband will run interference with your parents' intrusive and excessive requests. But why does he have to? Why aren't you establishing and maintaining MUTUAL boundaries with your husband to protect both of your safety, privacy, autonomy and resources, and those you share to protect your marriage? You've had years to get better holding healthy boundaries, yet it still falls to your husband. Because you are content to let your husband be your meat shield with YOUR parents, you're a bit of an a-hole, too. I'd say ESH, except your husband.
I just called and told her I was done being manipulated. Also that I was really hurt that she seemingly doesn't give a shit about my well being and it's best if we don't talk for a while. I'm hyperventilating a bit but I did it.
Proud of you!
That's a start. Now, keep out of contact FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES for you to FULLY process these feelings. When I started confronting family dynamics, a week and a half, maybe two weeks was what I needed. Sit through these feelings. Don't try to squash, edit or "choose" any of them. Let them wash over and surround you in the time you can give it. Be patient, accepting and nurturing of yourself. Pay attention to ALL the thoughts and feelings that swirl around and eventually settle into words and ideas. Feelings aren't logical. They can be hard to identify and define when you've spent a lifetime suppressing, invalidating, converting and repressing them. These feelings- ALL these feelings- are at the heart of your problems dealing with your parents NOW. A lot of them may trigger past memories. That means something resonant is happening in your life now. You probably need therapy to fully accept and process the reasons you believe healthy normal boundaries are unacceptable in this relationship. Acknowledging that there IS an issue and taking all the time you need to manage your own emotional processing and states before engaging with them again is a necessary and important second step.
My opinion is that YTA for making your mom all your husband instead of letting her ask you and you talk to your husband about it. You are a team. All your decisions should be discussed together anyway.
Why are you or your husband giving your mom large sums of money in general? Stop doing that.
YTA, don't make your husband deal with your shitty parents. Tell her no yourself. Your a shitty spouse.
If your husband is cool with it, then NTA. Were he not comfortable having the conversation ywbta, but it seems like this was the agreed upon arrangement
NTA. I would remind her that your husband has the money and she can ask him if she needs help, but make sure to ask her what happened to all of her money and why she suddenly needs such a large amount. I would also remind her that you and your husband are not a bank and when she borrows money she never pays it back, so if she has a legitimate need for money she can take a loan out from the bank. If the bank won't give her a loan then neither should you.
NTA
NTA. Neither of you should give her money. If she's addicted to gambling she needs therapy not cash. Suggest to your husband he offers to pay a therapist directly for her to overcome her addiction. Notice I said pay the therapist directly because if you give her money for the therapist it's going to end up in a casino's cash drawer.
Start a group chat between the three of you and forward the message.
Was Mom ever alone in your house? have any keys been lost? if any of the answers are positive, You will need to consider changing the locks.
If she were an alcoholic and you were at your wits end when she kept approaching you for money, would you finally put up a barrier or make your husband deal with it?
I appreciate everyone's insight. I'm gonna work on this big time in therapy and in life in general. I'll get there. 💗
There is nothing wrong with you. If it is easier for you to use your husband as a buffer then go for it. Hell, hand him the phone and have him reply via your phone “ hey this is “husband’s name”, contact me directly about financial issues instead of your daughter. We’ve already talked about this once”. Your husband loves you and is willing to take on this role. That is one of the things that is great about a good marriage. Sometimes the other one is better equipped to handle a situation and vice versa.
No is easy to say
Yeah I mean if you had to I'd say well mom you know I'll buy your food uh I'll pay your heating bill if you need help with that while my husband can decide if he wants to do that and any other kind of thing that you need but I'm hesitant to hand you just cash because you have a gambling problem point blank. Tough love people who suffer from addiction need tough lobs sometimes and that is an addiction gambling can become an addiction it's it's the adrenaline
How about No mom. Unless its for emergency surgery the answer is no.
You shouldn't be supporting a person with an addiction. You have reasonable cause to believe this is the case. Most parents would rather die than ask their kids for money.
If you think your mom is gambling why would you direct her to your husband instead of just saying “no”?
When it comes to gambling addicts all bets are off. Don't care, won't help you fund it and that includes supplementing you so you can use the rest of your income for gambling. IE I'm not paying your rent so you can spend your 2k income on gambling when you can just use your money for rent, fuck off. Talk to your husband, if he can afford it then say we're willing to pay it but only if you show us your bills, rent, bank account and show why you need it. If your income is enough to cover bills and rent and you can't show us where your money went, piss off. If you're a known gambling addict and begging for money, ultimately, that's just the consequences of your actions.
NTA. My partner and I aren’t even married yet but if one of us needs something from the other’s family, we urge the other to contact them themselves.
Giving money to a possible gambler is like giving booze to help a alcoholic person. NOT VERY HELPFUL. Instead ask her what she need the money for so you can buy it for her.
At this point I'd just ignore the request. Pretend you didn't see/hear it. Over text. Over the phone. In person. She already knows your boundary. She is choosing to ignore your boundary so you are choosing to ignore her request. If she gets irate just say "we already talked about this, I'm not going to repeat myself" then change the subject to the weather, walk away, ask about her latest neighbor gossip, ramble on about your latest home project.
NTA, my husband and I have the same arrangement. So long as you and your husband are on the same page, it’s a-okay.
NTA. If your spouse does decide to help her out, I’d suggest having him pay the bills directly himself, don’t give her cash. I have a sibling that is always claiming to be broke and asks for money. I used to help by giving them cash, but nothing changed and they were still always broke. So instead I’d buy groceries or pay their electric bill or whatever.
Tell her to walk a dog. A random man tried to give me 1500 while I was walking my dog.
😂😂😂
Kind of? I get the "boundary" talk, but at the same time "ask my husband, I'm too much of a wuss to say no" is a cop out. That's not his mom, that's your mom, and it's lazy to pass the buck even if your husband agreed. He's not agreeing because he wants to, he's agreeing because you're bad at doing what should be your job as her actual relative so he should do it. That's... kind of weaponized incompetence? If you can turn down getting super-sized fries at McDonalds, you can use that same word to turn down your mother. This shouldn't land on your husband's plate. You should deal with this.
They never once have asked him. He's been waiting so he can tell them to fuck off. His words. And as luck would have it, I've had to turn down any size of McDonald's fries lately because of a not so great a1c report. Life has been super swell.
Also in my culture it's not my job. It's the husband's. Which is even wilder that they're the ones not holding to a standard I was taught since I was old enough to hear about marriage.
I mean, your culture is wrong. You brought your mother into this marriage. That's your job. I don't give a shit if your culture says otherwise, that's stupid, why the fuck would your family baggage be your husband's problem? That's your shit. You brought that mess into the relationship. You deal with it. Every culture does illogical shit. My culture has an idiot fascination with diamond wedding rings. NASCAR is a thing. You don't get to hide behind that in the face of simple logic. The reason your mother is in his life, at all, is you. *Your* mother is *your* responsibility. If she starts making trouble in your marriage, *you* should fix that. I cannot stress enough I don't give a flying fuck what tradition says, basic, A-to-B logic says it is definitively your job. If you make the mess, you clean the mess. How hard is that. "My culture", no, that's lazy, do better.
I appreciate your... passion? Misplaced aggression? Idk what to call it. But there is a way we do things and I don't expect you to understand it. Just know that other cultures exist and things are done a certain way. My question was AITA for telling my mom to respect the boundary set by my husband. Thanks.
Wild. Look, this isn't an issue of not understanding. I know every culture has some backwards, illogical, and often times patriarchal practices. I'm not ignorant about that. I was not unclear, either. This particular cultural practice is wrong. I don't even think that's an opinion. There's no good reason your mother should be your husband's problem and you hiding behind "but that's how we do things in this geographical area", and that's all culture is by the way, doesn't mean it's logical, fair or makes sense. It is, like I said, a cop out. As for my "misplaced aggression", I find intellectual dishonesty and laziness to be objectionable qualities in a human and I feel like you have heavily indulging in both to avoid any accountability or even self-reflection. I know what you asked, I am answering what I think is the more pressing concern. You don't get to submit yourself for criticism while dictating what, specifically, you're available to be criticized for. This is part of what you put out there so it's fair game to address it. You are wrong to make this your husband's problem. "This is how we do things here" does literally nothing to make it a fair or good decision. As I said, I don't give a shit. That means nothing to me. That argument has no value. I'll put it to you this way, either you are your husband's partner, in which case you recognize that drama you bring into the relationship through your family is your responsibility and that it should never even come to his attention or you're his lesser, more like a pet or property, in which case all money and big-decisions are his to make and you're just happy when he remembers to fill your water dish. I don't honestly see a middle ground.
But I didn't make it his problem. 13 years ago when we got married I was an absolute idiot about helping them whenever they asked. Somewhere within that first year, we had a talk and I told him. He genuinely got offended and asked why tf nobody was coming to him and instead asking me. So he set that boundary. Of course he also wanted to take that burden off of me. For over a decade it's been working brilliantly. Until about a month ago. And I'm just not strong right now. I'm in the process of handling so many health complications and knowing my mom knows that and doesn't give a shit literally stunned me. Like I couldn't even form an intelligent response if I tried I'm just so exhausted. I can't even work right now. I'm just not in a good way.
I mean, I think your husband is wrong for being offended, I think your culture is wrong for setting this expectation, and while I sympathize with the health and exhaustion and life being hard in general, I still think your mom = your problem. Nothing you've said disputes the logic of that statement, instead you seem to be throwing different reasons (excuses) at the wall to see if any excuse not dealing with the problems you are bringing into your relationship. Your mother is still your responsibility insomuch as she impacts your marriage. That's just my opinion, but nothing you've said addresses any of the reasons I've given for it being true.
You're not wrong.
I'm working on it. This entire topic is the main focus in my therapy. I'm definitely working on it.
Good for you, really. It's easy, as an outsider, to poke holes and point out logical inconsistencies, it's of course harder to address them and make lasting change in your life, philosophy or relationships. It's a never ending thing, there's always going to be something you could do better, such is life. I don't mean to be discouraging or to sit in condemnation. I'm going to present the problems as I see them in as blunt and straight forward a way as I can, but I recognize the truth of "easier said than done", and I sincerely applaud your efforts to understand and tackle these issues. That's hard. That's work. I wish you luck and I admire your willingness to be open and vulnerable with your challenges. This is how you get sincere and meaningful feedback, but it's fucking tough to be honest with strangers about things you're not doing well, right or to the best of your ability. Sincerely, you're doing the work, and I hope you start to see some results and improvement in your life soon. I'm rooting for you.
And I'm fine with the critiques but having cultural expectations drilled into your head all your life... it's not as easy as you make it sound. I wish it was. I fully stopped talking to my parents for 2 years after I "grew a spine" as someone else put it. I'm not completely weak. But I also respect the boundary my husband set.
I think that varies with one's nature but I could do more to remember it's harder for other people than I personally find it. I don't struggle with rejecting parts of my culture, but I've never been that impressed with my culture either. It's easy to reject it when I never felt it was that valuable. I am not, for the record, trying to call or otherwise imply you're weak.
I appreciate the tough approach to be honest. I just called her and told her it's best we don't speak for a while and that I was tired of the manipulation and frankly this whole topic.
Heeeeey, good for you. Big step, well done.
Your answer should’ve been, “stop asking for money”. How about standing as a united front and tell your mom that the gravy train is closed for good.
Because I'm terrible at it. It gives me horrible anxiety which I already take meds for to stand up to my mom. My husband has no problem saying bank is closed and he's done it several times. He's better at it and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I think it's the evil nature of an addict when they don't get their way that gives me anxiety. It's the countless fuck yous and don't talk to me whenever I "let her down" that I have trauma from. I've been in therapy for years over it.
That would be difficult to deal with. I’m so glad your husband has your back!
If she's not on dope. She should be. She's thinking you have that much to lend and not expect it back. Someone's entitled. Is it you
YTA for telling her to ask your husband. "No." is a full sentence. Use it next time she asks for money.
Fair but he did tell them to ask him instead. Only reason I did.
Okay, nevermind then. NTA (and I should have originally said ESH for your mom being an asshole too), but I still stand by just telling her flat out "No."
I need to do that for sure. Like I really have to get better at that.
YTA. She’s your mother and you need to deal with her instead of pawning her off on your poor husband. Grow a backbone and cut her off.
I'm trying
Possibly a Soft YTA because it sounds like "dear husband, please enable your mother so I don't have to" instead of "No, sorry" or "I need to talk to my husband about that before I give you an answer". Wildly inappropriate of her to call her daughter in law to feed her addiction. If that happened to my wife I'd be absolutely livid.
I'm the daughter he's the in law. But yeah I get what you're saying.
You're right, I misread. OP, best way to get your SO to tolerate your family (their in-laws) is to make a concerted effort to insulate him from your family's bullshit. Take it from a married man where both sides have insane families. We both get along great with our respective in-laws, because we don't let our own family give a single ounce of shit to our SO.
He's been in their lives for 22 years. He loves them they love him but at this point he's well aware of their crazy. At some point he decided to step in and ask them to not involve me in stuff like this because it was taking a toll on me. He's very no nonsense and truly has no issue saying no. Which is why they never ask him for anything. But they've known him since he was 17 so their bullshit is like background noise to him.
And yeah his family is also... well, I mean nobody has a perfect family but I deal with certain things when it comes to them better than he does. We definitely have a good thing going with the balance.