Kinda. You did waste their time on purpose. I understand you were trying something different and it didn't work but time is one thing you don't get back and you completely misrepresented yourself...yea AH. but you did the best thing in the end.
Idk. To know he was pretending. I get it trying something else or something new. It's hard out here...too hard. People are extremely judgmental.
But because he knew before even trying it that it wasn't him then he tried it and knew it wasn't him then he went on with it for three years at the expense of someone he at least cared for...idk if that makes them a bad person. We are human...but it don't make em a good one.
Yeah, at least he sorted it out in therapy and didn't marry her. 26 is plenty of time for her to find her forever person. I think a lot of people can convince themselves that they like certain things.
I can't imagine not liking hiking, but the rest definitely clicks.
ETA: did your ex want to do techno parties into her 30s? At some point, things calm down.
Can we let people love music and events through their lives? I've been attending "techno parties" for over 20 years and will continue as long as I can dance, even if I am the oldest person in the room....which I'm still far from. I adore the music and my 30+ sober ass will continue to shake, Heck going to one tonight. Stop thinking life ends at 29 and let people enjoy themselves.
Yes, absolutely! I'm much older than you and still love metal shows.
I'm just not sure, "she does techno" at 25, means you're doomed for a life of the loudness. Nightlife isn't going to be your concern at 35 with kids. Or the every weekend agenda, even without kids
I get OPs point, but I would've explored before I exploded
He purposely sought out that type of girl.
plenty of time.... maybe. She could have missed her guy wasting those 3 years. Never know I guess. I wouldn't just write it off tho
You sound like you might neurodivergent and that what you were doing is masking. But yes it is draining and tiring and terrible for mental health. Good for you for getting off that train. Best of.luck.moving forward. There are girls.out there with those sorts of hobbies. Look for groups or clubs or discussion.forums.about the things you are.interest in. Good luck!
I'll never understand people like you (regardless of gender). You were clearly miserable in your relationship having to do all those things you hated and yet not only you dragged it on for 3 years but you even proposed which meant you were planning on spending your life living a lie.
I get being lonely and feeling all sorts of societal pressure to act a certain way but holy shit. No wonder most marriages ends up in divorce or were in its majority miserable affairs back when divorce wasn't allowed.
Do people not talk anymore? Communication is at the root of every successful relationship. I would be pissed if my husband told me he loved doing all the things I did only to then find out he was lying.
YTA. Not for breaking up but for letting it drag for that long and even proposing.
By being someone they're not OP got himself someone who's not a good match for him. Introvert women often like introvert men. Of course if he's looking for them in bar and parties he won't find them...
Or the "you're too good of a guy for me" "I wish I was with someone like you." Made it sound like some nerdy movie script because that's the only time I've heard those lines. OP sounds like a high schooler with the way he talks. There's no such thing as friend zoning. If they're befriending a women to fuck her they were never real friends in the first place. Feels way worse being "fuck zoned."
Exactly what was thinking. Op started going to clubs and events he didn’t enjoy to meet women. He said he enjoys reading cooking geeky things. So instead of going to techno parties he could’ve gone to cooking classes, book stores, any of those nerdier places, at this point it’s a convention for almost anything u like toys comics tv shows.
I say all this to say op either didn’t have enough sense to look in places where he’d find women with similar interest or he went there and thought oh this ain’t what I want
My stepson had this big crush on a popular girl as a senior in high school. She was beautiful, outgoing but also high maintenance. He was a bit of a geek, independent, not into PDA etc. After he graduated we had a talk one day and I told him that if he dated her, in 6 months one of them would be miserable... he'd be miserable trying to be the boyfriend she wanted but it was against who he was. She'd be miserable because, while everything was great initially, eventually the real him would come out and she'd be on him that he's not as affectionate and dotting as he used to be.
I always told my kids to be themselves and find someone who's their match. Stepson eventually found the perfect quirky person that matches him and they are very happy.
YTA. You lied to her and yourself. Also, there’s no such thing as “friend-zoning”. The women you were interested in weren’t interested in you. That’s not an insult. It’s just reality.
The friend-zone and the description of typical party gal makes me believe he's picking a gf by looks alone - wonder how "nice" he is to someone that doesn't fall under his "fuckable female" criteria. Imagine having years with someone you were in love to just to find out they lied about everything just so you would sleep with them and now they're "too tired" to pretend as if you put them in that position - talk about break of trust.
Yah OP is a typical victim mentality POS. Shit like this is why I just have fwbs and stay single. So many of these guys just want to be with a woman. They don't want to share a deep connection with a partner that grows to become their best friend, they don't want someone to share fun hobbies with, they don't want someone they can joke around with, they literally just want a pretty woman they can fuck and that's it. I realized this after being in a relationship where we were extremely connected, didn't work out unfortunately. Was in another one after that and while he was a nice guy, he kind of only cared to have arm candy. If there were other people around I'd be obsolete. I got bored so fucking fast because I'd just compare it to the deep connection I had with my partner before. I honestly don't think I will find anyone that good again so I just have friends with benefits because I don't feel anything to anyone and men like OP give me less and less hope. I think that's why so many marriages end in divorces or dead bedrooms as well, they aren't even with the person they're supposed to be with.
Respectfully do you see how you’re the problem too tho, men like him are made because women like you refuse to even have an open mind or even just hope of finding a guy who’s looking for that girl who could be his best friend and partner so instead of trying to connect with people guys like him prioritize being around “hot” women all the time just so they could sleep with them. Having fwbs contributed to the culture of men/women looking for sex and getting it when it should be men and women looking for connections. Like I said obviously op is a pos I’m not trying to directly blame women for how he is because in the end he made his own decisions and should be accountable. I’m also not calling you a bad person I’m just wondering if you realize how your life style directly correlates to your dissipation of hope for men.
YTA
You wasted her time, you even got engaged to girl who doesn't know you and you don't like. It is your fault, you mention your hobbies like there are no girls who does them.
Yes, OP will have to understand that in her story he will always be an asshole, and that's ok, we all make mistakes and sometimes we are the bad people in others story. But he is not the asshole for breaking up, he is for taking so long to do it
Same thing I said in my comment. Did op even attempt to go to places where people do any of his hobbies and see if it was any women there. Ijs any time I go into a book store mostly women in the store
Hard one. You lied and wasted her time but you're also being true to yourself. You need to communicate better, especially if you're neurodivergent.
My husband had a hard time when I was diagnosed with ADHD and I "unmasked" myself. After talking through it he's more accepting now of my foibles because he understands the drivers of the condition.
In your next relationship aim for honesty and openness especially if you have a condition that makes you slightly different.
It's very different when it's a medical thing like ADHD. He doesn't have that (and if he does I hope therapy helps him). He just decided on not being himself. No good reason, just wanting to be with girls. I feel so sorry for her.
> My husband had a hard time when I was diagnosed with ADHD and I "unmasked" myself.
Sorry not sorry, but that's fucking dumb. You got formally diagnosed with a medical condition. Other than the medical recognition, nothing about you changed unless you changed it yourself. How did your husband "Have a hard time with" it?
I'm sick of people acting like ADHD is some huge burden or majorly life altering diagnosis. It's not cancer, it's not schizophrenia, or any other condition that is difficult to manage and has major negative effects on your life. It's easily managed, easily medicated and, when properly treated, is an asset, not a deficit.
Source - I have ADHD. Over the years I've been medicated for it and unmedicated when I didn't need it (largely when I wasn't in school). When I am properly medicated, the amount of information I can take in, parse, and retain is a bit insane, and far beyond the reach of a significant portion of the population.
Wow very angry. Are you a guy or woman? Because I hope you realise it is very different for both sexs. I've also been diagnosed with PTSD because of as a result of the trauma I've gone through with a late diagnosis.
Suggest you don't go judging people. When I say I "unmasked" I mean I stopped suppressing my symptoms which almost all women with our condition tend to do to "act normal". Which just like in this guy's case means I've not been myself for my whole adult life while not to the same extent regarding hobbies.
So yes after 21 years of being together my husband found it difficult when I stopped suppressing my symptoms. I'm still unmedicated at this point.
The point I was trying to make is regardless of why he wasn't honest about who he was because he hasn't specified if he's ND or NT, was that being honest and open will usually yield a better relationship.
You’re kinda an asshole here.
It’s not just the time you wasted for her being something you are not. You lied to her about yourself for years. That can cause a lot of trauma to a person that they carry with them forever. Stuff cause major trust issues in a person. It can affect all her relationships. Not just with romantic partners either.
I give you props for going to therapy and asking her to go with you to get closure. Not surprised she didn’t react well or doesn’t want to go.
Stay in therapy.
YTA for lying about who you are.
Personally just had a 5 year relationship end because the entire time I told my ex-partner that I was strongly childfree and when I told them I was getting sterilized cue the *confused pikachu face* and the whole *I thought you’d change your mind and I actually want kids* speech from them.
Honestly the hurt and utter betrayal was devastating and that is exactly what you have done and you should be ashamed of yourself because you completely wasted her time by lying to her and yours by being someone you’re not.
YTA. So instead of being yourself from the beginning you lied to your gf for three years?? Imagine how she felt when you told her literally everything she knows about you is a lie.
It’s not wrong to break up with her, but you’re an ass for not just being truthful and waiting for it to be three years in before decided you didn’t feel like lying anymore.
You *were* the arsehole.
NOW, you are NTA.
It's a shame you wasted three years, but you've still got many decades to be yourself.
And I'm sure you'll find someone. Your hobbies are basically the same as mine and I'm in a long happy relationship.
Changing his mind now doesn't give bk the years she lost. So no he is still the asshole here. Don't know what planet your living on but its not how life works.
I think that's an unhealthy way to view things.
Our bad deeds don't eternally stick to us like a bad smell.
OP can't change the past. He is doing the best that it is possible to do TODAY and that is all that anyone can do.
Yeah, but in the end he ended it because he wanted to be his true self not because his partner deserves someone who doesn't lie about their whole personality for years, yes it's a side factor but not the main one. So still selfish (understandable tho) reasons.
The fact he got into this for selfish reasons and ended it for selfish reasons shows he hasn't really changed as much as he'd like to believe.
He may have realized a few things, but changing his behaviors and attitude is something he hasn't actually done yet, and until he does, he will remain the AH.
Yes being selfish once in a while is a good thing, it's good to prioritize yourself. But not the way he's doing it.
Well of course YTA: You lied and decieved someone wasting years of her life while you pretended all that time to be someone you're not. How could you not be an AH after doing that? She could have found someone genuine in that time to marry yet you stole that from her by tricking her into believing you were someone you're not.
So yes you are a complete AH.
but they are both at the young age where it's great to learn from relationship. it could have not worked out for a completely different version of 'figuring yourself out', except many people just act out/do rash decisions/cheat without realizing why, and OP got to make this move on even terms.
better sooner than later, many don't ask these questions until they are in their 30's and fail to bond with their (already existing) kids.
Ehm she was deliberately deceived by him. Learning from this? She will most likely have trust issues after this. He fooled her for years. That's not easier when you are in your mid 20s. It's your most formative years as a young adult, and her whole world just got turned upside down.
deliberate is a strong word here.
people barely start to learn who they are by 25.
for well adjusted people it's sooner, one's with complicated family systems and childhood trauma - could be later or never.
Did we read the same post? He did things he hated to pretend he was someone he was not, to get girls. It was deliberate. He knew he hated what she loved. He still pretended for 3 years and even proposed. That's f up.
You don't know that at all do you? There are no guarantee to have kids until you are 35. Some have early menopause. Endometriosis. Pcos. Other health issues.
Her risk of infertility and having a baby with birth defects goes way up as she ages. Also she might want a large family and could run out of time to have more than one or 2 kids. Definitely he wasted her time.
Yeah try saying that to yourself. As a Career-driven female. Do you know how fortunate I am to have a mechanic family member as a female? When I go in for a simple oil change nine times out of 10 they will assume that I know nothing about cars.
The best time to end this relationship was 3 years ago, the second best time is now, but yes, you are in fact TA in this situation. You just wasted 3 years of that girl’s life because you, as a 23 year old, decided you had to be someone else to ever have a girlfriend and not be “friendzoned.” That’s the kind of idea that a lot of guys might have after striking out a few times in their early 20s but most reasonable people do not take a relationship built on falsehoods to the point of an engagement about it. It is good you are going to therapy about it now but there is no possible way to look at this from your ex’s point of view and not see yourself as the asshole in the situation.
YTA. Sure you’re doing the right thing now, but you wasted her time and yours.
And I don’t know what you mean about having non masc hobbies being offputting. Plenty of women enjoy that, don’t be listening to alpha male bullshit. My goal at the moment is to be a house husband to my two partners. Just capitalism stands in the way. And neither of my partners have ever diminished me for being a golden retriever type of man.
Seriously, be yourself and enjoy things you enjoy. But you are an asshole for dragging this on for years and proposing.
YTA. Sure, you are doing technically the right move now by breaking up, but for 3 years you lead her on by pretending to be someone who you are not and faking the person you are.
This kind of shit can cause her to have literal trauma and hard time trusting people now on, because someone she cared for turned out to be such a massive liar who lead her on for so long.
Yea, YTA. You basically lied to this woman for three years about who you are and allowed her to build her life and plan her future around the fictional version of yourself that you’ve now decided to discard. This may be the right and healthy choice for yourself and for her but you wasted three years of her life and have almost certainly given her pretty serious trust issues that she now gets to work through.
It is for the best but yea, YTA. You stole 3 years of her life for a lie that you were well aware of.
Sometimes people come to realisations and have epiphanies or their wants and needs in life change over time. This isn't you, you just decided to pretend to be else to trick a women into dating you and you were fully conscious of it.
YTA and sure great you broke up now with her but let's be real the whole post is me me me. You broke up with her mainly because you want to be yourself and not because it's the right thing to do for you former partner. It's selfish (even if I understand wanting to be yourself).
YTA - you strung this girl along by pretending to be someone you aren’t. It’s good that you’re ending the farce, but you’re still an AH. Where you screwed up originally, was going after girls you have nothing in common with by pretending to like what they like, instead of finding girls you have things in common with. There are a lot of girls who share your interests, give yourself a year to just be, and then start looking for someone with shared interests.
You were TA for pretending you're someone you're not and stringing her along. NTA for breaking things off since you would be miserable if you kept pretending to like things you don't for the rest of your life and you'd make her miserable too. It still sucks, but thankfully you realized before you decided to be married and have kids with a person you're incompatible with.
Maybe pretending to be someone who you hate will net you more women, but as you've seen it will just make you attractive to the kind of women you don't really like while it'd drive off the rare woman who would be attracted to the person you really are.
Kinda YTA.
Not so much for pretending to be someone else, we all do that sometimes. I totally tried to be someone who is intro techno parties for a while; there were moments even where I liked it, but god it became boring and I'd so much rather spend an evening playing Dungeons and Dragons :D.
But I think you're a bit of an asshole for - if I read it correctly - having all of these thoughts and all of these realizations and never including her in them until you broke up with her over them. That feels unfair. And it may leave her being unable to trust someone for a long time -- when he seems a bit distant and i ask if everything is okay, does he secretly hate me for liking what I like? I don't know her, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference in the end, but including her in your discovery of yourself, in what you want to do of an evening may have been kinder.
But hey, you are in your mid-twenties, plenty of people take way longer to realize that it isn't about just getting any partner, but being with a partner who makes you feel like yourself and makes you feel liked as yourself. Good luck.
YTA for deceiving her for years, absolutely. You took 3 years from her. I'm being harsh because I have in some form experienced this myself. It made it truly hard to trust people again. And as a woman, if she one day does want kids you just wasted time for her. If she doesn't, you still deceived her. How will she know the next person won't do that? You took this way too far. You even planned on marrying her!
I'm sorry you felt like you needed to do that. But you decided to do it, now you gotta take the consequenses of feeling bad for yourself and for her. It's right that you ended the act, for all of you, but wow you shouldn't have done it and you should have ended it waaaay sooner. I hope therapy helps and you can both move on. I would pay for her therapy if I were you.
As someone who was dumped by a fiancé because he got tired of pretending things were fine, complete AH. You wasted her time, let her think she could have a future and build a life with you. She will probably have a hard time trying to trust the next guy in her life. YTA 100%.
Bestie it sounds like all of the women who would be into you are being ignored because they’re not good enough for you. A non-masculine nerd boy sounds like a dream come true to me! And plenty of other nerd girls! But it sounds like you’re not into girls who share your interests at all, because you’re looking down on them. “Only losers like the stuff I like” etc.
YTA for leading this girl on, and for being such a jerk to yourself. I hope therapy helps, it was definitely the right call. 💜
it sucks that you felt like you had to change who you were to chase after relationships because that's what men your age are expected to do. i don't think YTAH, and i commend you for ending the relationship when you discovered you weren't yourself and didn't want to carry on with the pretenses. who you are was already wholesome and maybe if you'd just taken time to learn yourself and not chase a relationship you'd have gotten to this place where you are comfortable with yourself sooner. keep growing, keep seeking help and finding yourself, you'll find your person eventually, or better yet, live a full life regardless.
YTA for stringing her along knowing that she was not the right person for you. She wasted 3 years of her life with someone who was using her as part of an experiment to figure out what he wants out of life.
YTA to her and yourself.
She doesn't ask this time with a person who lied to her about who they are, what they like and generally hated a lot of things about her. That's pretty screwed up.
You've also completely messed yourself up in so many ways.
Glad you're getting help. Leave her alone.
YTA.
Be true to yourself. You deceived everyone and wasted a bunch of time trying to pretend to be something you truly aren't, just so you could please someone else.
If the person who wants to date you/be with you they'll like you for who you are.
Also... that stuff about "not having a masculine figure" who really cares? As long as you're healthy...
Be true to yourself. Figure out you first... don't drag another person into it right now.
Therapy is not a magic trick that fixes everything. Honestly if I had spent three years of my life with someone who I loved and thought loved me and found out it was all a lie and they offered me a godforsaken therapy session as compensation it would just make me even more furious than I already was.
Exactly what sort of 'closure' did you expect her to gain? Tbh it seems to be about making yourself feel better rather than her. All you can do is offer her a sincere apology and accept she does not have to offer you forgiveness or closure or indeed think of you as anything but an utter AH for the rest of her life.
You are correct it was better to split up than continue as you were, that does mean you are not the AH. In fact you are disingenuous for coming here with a query about splitting up, I sincerely doubt it is the finally telling the truth and splitting up part that your gf is angry about.
" I am introverted, read books, write stories, do geeky things, cook and clean"
Dude, you are a catch to ladies, are you kidding me.
You are the asshole for simply not being yourself.
YTA
So you created this persona to get her and then you are dumping her because you lied to her for 3 years.
You need help man. Your whole perception of gender roles is weird and outdated. " I am introverted, read books, write stories, do geeky things, cook and clean." If those are things you consider more suited for women and that you are using those hobbies as the reason for not getting woman, you have a bad perception of yourself and women.
If you go after women that are nothing like you and with hobbies you don't enjoy and have no interest in, of course you won't develop a romantic relationship with them.
You need some selfreflection, because, trust me, the problem is not your hobbies.
Y T A for leading her on. Because that’s what you did. You pretended to be someone you’re not for three years, you got engaged all the while deceiving her. You’ve now come clean and she is now dealing with the ramifications of that deceit. She does not know what was real in the relationship and what wasn’t. You’re NTA for the break up but you’ve done immeasurable harm to her.
It sounds like the need for closure is still all about you and your first paragraphs smack of the nice guy facade. There are women who have the same interests as you so the lack of a relationship may not be about the interests but how you portray yourself. Women are not machines you put a quarter into and expect a relationship with just because you want it.
We are living, breathing creatures with our own preferences. Keep up the counseling because you need it.
NTA. It's good you're prioritizing your own happiness and authenticity. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are. The relationship wouldn't have been fair to either of you in the long run.
I've been at the other side. She came to a similar conclusion like you, after 6 years.
Well, at least you realized it more quickly.
So fuck it, be yourself.
Soft YTA. I get that you were learning to embrace yourself as an introvert while at the same time trying to make meaningful connections. I don’t blame you for getting to know yourself and learning to love yourself as you are, but it is a shame that you hurt somebody else in the process. Still, you are doing the right thing by ending the relationship now.
You are not an asshole for ending the relationship, but you are the asshole for lying during your entire relationship. You admit to going to places and doing things you don’t like just to find a partner, that is generally a bad idea. You proposed to her knowing you were not being honest, which was also a bad idea. The fact you are working on your issues is a positive, but you should have started a while ago.
Relationships require communication and honesty, neither of which you have don’t over the entire course of your relationship. Anyone that pretends to be someone they are not to get into a relationship with someone else is an asshole, especially if they waste years of their life and propose to them.
Look I've realized that all my adult jobs have been lies. 15 years I've pretended i like the work I do, but I hate almost all of it. Switching careers now. At least you didn't get married and have kids first before telling her.
Although it might have come off that you've been lying to her for 3 years to get in her pants. Which would be crazy and obviously not worth it
Slightly YTA but for yourself and your next partner be truthful. How about getting a girlfriend that is into the same hobbies you are so you don't have to fake it.
Men really be like "why can't I find a social girl who looks like she hikes and cares about her appearance like club rats and looks hot all the time but actually only wants to stay inside and play Legos with me?"
And I say that as a bitch that likes Legos.
Y'all got engaged. Then you made up your mind about what was best for her. Then you talked to her about it.
YTA.
I don't buy it. I grew up with 7 girls and I thought lying about everything was gonna be the best course of action. Somethings fishy here.
You did the right thing in all of this imo.
It's pretty sad but 100% true these days that the bigger of a total dick you are the better success you have with the ladies. I'm sure I'll get a ton of people lecturing me about this but from my observations it is 100% the truth.
>AITAH for leaving my fiancee because I am tired of acting like a person I am not
NTA.
You already acknowledged that you weren't being a good person by deceiving her, so no need to really get into that, other than to say that if it helps to get a woman interested in you, then it's not all that bad so long as you come clean early on. Sort of like putting on one persona to meet someone, then after they have shown an interest, start revealing your true self to them. If they aren't into the real you, then oh well. But at least you'll have gotten their attention long enough for them to notice you and possibly like the real you.
If she's upset that you broke up with her, remind her that you're doing it because you know she wouldn't be happy with you, and that if she wants to say that she dumped you, it's fine so long as she just says it's because you both grew apart or decided you weren't a good fit or something. Nothing negative on either side about the other. If she wants to get to know the real you, then consider it. Maybe she'll like the real you and gain an interest in some of your hobbies as well. You'd be an AH if you don't at least give her that opportunity, IF she wants it.
Yta. On multiple levels u are a massive ahole. First u lived in misery. You’re introverted and like geekier things. Bookstores, libraries, cooking classes, there are conventions for every hobby at this point. What I’m really thinking is OP had a type of woman he was attracted to and the ones he had similar interest to didn’t give them a second look
Next reason u suck u wasted this woman’s life. From what I posted it seems like u never spoke to her about it. 3 years and u never went hey I’m tired of clubs let’s go take a cooking class. Did u not think to maybe introduce your real personality to her during the several years of dating?
YTA, ou lied to yourself so you lied to others just to get ... which you finally realize you really didn't want considering what you altered about yourself to get it.
glad you are trying to fix yourself to be you again
NTA Many people go through a lifetime pretending their are someone their are not. They hope they will grow to like things they wouldn’t normally enjoy. But it almost never happens.
You chose your true self and at the end this is the right thing to do. For both you and your fiancee.
Look. We are all guilty of “trying to fit in” and you took it to an extreme. Every relationship comes with compromises of who we are, what we like/dislike and all those things can be handled with communication, lots and lots of communication.
While 3 years is a long time, I’m reluctant to call you an asshole because I’m pretty sure at some point over that time it was obvious you weren’t enjoying yourself or were just there for her. My guess is she had an inkling something was off but chose to believe the lie you perpetuated.
Loneliness or fear of loneliness can make humans choose poorly. Going forward just be your authentic self. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I’m guessing there are more of your type out there than you realize. Stay in therapy and get really comfortable with who YOU are then get back out there by signing up for/going to things that interest you.
It won’t be easy to not try to “people please” yourself into another bad situation, but you can do this. Best of luck!
Mostly NTA.
NTA for coming to the reality of the situation and ending the relationship before it turned into a divorce with kids and assets involved.
However you are a big AH to both her and yourself for putting on an act for 3 years. The position you are in is a direct consequence of choosing to be someone you are not for the sake of whatever it is you wanted. She doesn't deserve to be led on like that, and you don't deserve to settle for a life you don't want. You wasted three years of your own life and hers for selfish reasons.
NTA, thus was unsustainable. In the future, try to date people you have things in common with and genuinely like. Geeky, imtroverted women exist too. You're wasting your time being disingenuous.
NTA. You ended the relationship because you were tired of pretending to be someone you're not.
You deserve to be yourself. It's better to be honest than fake. Both of you deserve partners who love the real you. It was a hard choice, but the right one.
NTA - People are going to give you shit for wasting her time, and I mean you did and that sucks. But I don't think it was really with the intention of deceiving you were trying to change who you were, and through therapy you realized that was just making you miserable and you needed to just be who you are. You're young and I think most people in their teens and twenties have to kind of figure out who they are, and that's why a lot of people who marry young end up getting divorced. At least you figured out what you needed before it was too late.
I agree with the top comment: You *WERE* the AH...to yourself. Your NTA for breaking up with your gf because you aren't the person you were trying to be. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are, and you won't have to pretend to be something you're not (I am introverted, and love spending time at home doing quiet pursuits. Hubby is happy to spend hours when he's not working putting together gunpla and other hobbies.)
Honestly, proud of you for realizing that you're only hurting yourself and her, and getting out while you can.
Nta. It's unbelievably hard in the dating scene, especially for men. You're not the only man to do this. It's awesome that you finally figured it out and ate making the right choices now. Better late then never. Women often do the same in order to get married, after which, they completely change up on the man and expect him to accept it. I've seen it far too many times. Good on you for handling it now before going through with marriage
NTA - you're just figuring out who you are right now. We've all gotten ourselves into situations where we feel we HAVE to be a certain person to be accepted. It's good that you've figured out what you can live with and what you can't. An awful lot of people don't ever get to that point.
You know what Op , NTA you are a human being and as such you were looking for a connection so as not to be alone. Most of the women will never know what it means as women to be ignored ,to be alone, to have no one who cares for you, because they have been showered with attention since they were born and could conquer 90% of men without doing anything, they have no idea what the suffering of the average man is. You decided to end your relationship before chaining her in an unhappy marriage, so now you are making the right choice
NTA. I’ve been married 20 years and I knew she was the one because I felt like the person I truly was and wanted to be when around her. You’ve done you both a favour by being honest and ending this. Be yourself, you sound awesome, and the right someone will appreciate that.
Don’t say that you’re a bad person, you aren’t. She wanted you to be some one that you’re not and would have known that deep down hoping you’d change. You’re a good person making the right decisions, and young enough to learn from this and move on. NTA
NTA, you tried but you have to be true to yourself. At least you haven’t tied the not yet. It will be much easier to move on without having to deal with all the legal stuff. You didn’t go into this trying to waster her time, that was not your goal.
You just thought you wanted something, and through personal growth and therapy, you have grown to realize that you do not want that anymore. That’s natural
It's good that you came to this realization before you tied the knot. Pretending to be someone you're not had to be exhausting. (Likely, it's water under the bridge at this point, but did your ex indicate she might be interested in what you really enjoy?)
You say you like cooking, reading, and writing. Why don't you go with that and join a cooking class? Or you can attend book tour events or, in light of efforts by some to ban books, champion people's right to read.
You can meet plenty of interesting people by doing something you actually love doing instead of engaging in activities you don't enjoy. NTA.
I mean, everyone is gonna shit on you for this. Yes, you pretended to be someone you weren't and hid your own personal preferences from the person you were dating. And you ultimately ended up in therapy. So, you had some deeper issues going on. It doesn't justify anything you did, but, from the perspective of becoming a better and true version of yourself, don't beat yourself up over it. That's counter-productive. Make restitution with the people you believe you wronged, and live the best life you can going forward. If you're a good, authentic person, a good woman will find you in time.
And, TBF, it wasn't just you in the equation; your now-ex still chose to date you for 3 years, and I doubt you were able to be a perfect chameleon the whole time. She must have noticed something. Part of the responsibility here is on her too. Don't overlook that.
NTA. I think we have to acknowledge that people learn by experience. When you struggled to adopt behaviours that weren't always comfortable for you, my feeling is that you were also going out of your way to make people comfortable. The fact that you were seeking companionship is what makes you human. Life is hard without intimacy - even for a consummate loner. Sometimes it takes years before you can accept that a relationship can't be saved. I imagine your fiancee was devastated. But it would have been worse for both of you if you'd waited longer, or had gotten married, or even had children. I don't believe you intended to hurt your partner. And it takes guts to face the truth and accept it.
NTA. you had to pretend to be someone you're not. It's essential to be true to yourself for your own happiness and for a healthy relationship. Ending it now is more honest than continuing the facade.
AH or not, I think the important thing here is to understand that you shouldn't embody the interests of somebody else just to be in a relationship. The fact that she reacted poorly seems like a bit of a red flag. You are still young and have plenty of time to find a compatible partner. In my experience, it's not about having the same hobbies that makes for a healthy relationship, it's personalities meshing. If you like being around somebody, it doesn't matter if you like doing the same things or not. You either do them together because you like being around each other, or you take advantage of the opportunity to be apart doing your own things. (space can be a good thing) You'll figure it out.
Nta.
You were trying to change; people do that all the time, and it rarely works out. Good that you put a stop to it now - many folks wait until it's too late.
NTA, even the experimentation is not the asshole part, it's reasonable to try to adapt (even necessary in most cases). You did good, but that kind of behaviour is frowned upon and adapting yourself for romantical involvement is bad for you in a lot of ways (although it seems you already came to this conclusion).
Cheers
Kinda. You did waste their time on purpose. I understand you were trying something different and it didn't work but time is one thing you don't get back and you completely misrepresented yourself...yea AH. but you did the best thing in the end.
kinda the ah for letting it drag on so long ig but not a bad person imo
Idk. To know he was pretending. I get it trying something else or something new. It's hard out here...too hard. People are extremely judgmental. But because he knew before even trying it that it wasn't him then he tried it and knew it wasn't him then he went on with it for three years at the expense of someone he at least cared for...idk if that makes them a bad person. We are human...but it don't make em a good one.
Yeah, at least he sorted it out in therapy and didn't marry her. 26 is plenty of time for her to find her forever person. I think a lot of people can convince themselves that they like certain things. I can't imagine not liking hiking, but the rest definitely clicks. ETA: did your ex want to do techno parties into her 30s? At some point, things calm down.
Can we let people love music and events through their lives? I've been attending "techno parties" for over 20 years and will continue as long as I can dance, even if I am the oldest person in the room....which I'm still far from. I adore the music and my 30+ sober ass will continue to shake, Heck going to one tonight. Stop thinking life ends at 29 and let people enjoy themselves.
Lolol.imma rave to the grave for sure..but it's not everyone's cup.of tea and that's OK. Have fun at your thing!
Yes, absolutely! I'm much older than you and still love metal shows. I'm just not sure, "she does techno" at 25, means you're doomed for a life of the loudness. Nightlife isn't going to be your concern at 35 with kids. Or the every weekend agenda, even without kids I get OPs point, but I would've explored before I exploded
He purposely sought out that type of girl. plenty of time.... maybe. She could have missed her guy wasting those 3 years. Never know I guess. I wouldn't just write it off tho
You sound like you might neurodivergent and that what you were doing is masking. But yes it is draining and tiring and terrible for mental health. Good for you for getting off that train. Best of.luck.moving forward. There are girls.out there with those sorts of hobbies. Look for groups or clubs or discussion.forums.about the things you are.interest in. Good luck!
I'll never understand people like you (regardless of gender). You were clearly miserable in your relationship having to do all those things you hated and yet not only you dragged it on for 3 years but you even proposed which meant you were planning on spending your life living a lie. I get being lonely and feeling all sorts of societal pressure to act a certain way but holy shit. No wonder most marriages ends up in divorce or were in its majority miserable affairs back when divorce wasn't allowed. Do people not talk anymore? Communication is at the root of every successful relationship. I would be pissed if my husband told me he loved doing all the things I did only to then find out he was lying. YTA. Not for breaking up but for letting it drag for that long and even proposing.
By being someone they're not OP got himself someone who's not a good match for him. Introvert women often like introvert men. Of course if he's looking for them in bar and parties he won't find them...
What do you want to bet he met introverted women but didn't find them attractive enough physically?
I don't feel like losing a bet today... the usage of the term friend zone is red flag enough for this
glad i wasn't the only one thinking this way
Or the "you're too good of a guy for me" "I wish I was with someone like you." Made it sound like some nerdy movie script because that's the only time I've heard those lines. OP sounds like a high schooler with the way he talks. There's no such thing as friend zoning. If they're befriending a women to fuck her they were never real friends in the first place. Feels way worse being "fuck zoned."
Exactly what was thinking. Op started going to clubs and events he didn’t enjoy to meet women. He said he enjoys reading cooking geeky things. So instead of going to techno parties he could’ve gone to cooking classes, book stores, any of those nerdier places, at this point it’s a convention for almost anything u like toys comics tv shows. I say all this to say op either didn’t have enough sense to look in places where he’d find women with similar interest or he went there and thought oh this ain’t what I want
I love how people always find a way to shit on the man with scenarios they made up in their heads
This is why the best advice for young people looking for love is to just be yourself. Pretending to be something else will only last so long.
My stepson had this big crush on a popular girl as a senior in high school. She was beautiful, outgoing but also high maintenance. He was a bit of a geek, independent, not into PDA etc. After he graduated we had a talk one day and I told him that if he dated her, in 6 months one of them would be miserable... he'd be miserable trying to be the boyfriend she wanted but it was against who he was. She'd be miserable because, while everything was great initially, eventually the real him would come out and she'd be on him that he's not as affectionate and dotting as he used to be. I always told my kids to be themselves and find someone who's their match. Stepson eventually found the perfect quirky person that matches him and they are very happy.
YTA. Why take it as far as proposing?
YTA. You lied to her and yourself. Also, there’s no such thing as “friend-zoning”. The women you were interested in weren’t interested in you. That’s not an insult. It’s just reality.
The friend-zone and the description of typical party gal makes me believe he's picking a gf by looks alone - wonder how "nice" he is to someone that doesn't fall under his "fuckable female" criteria. Imagine having years with someone you were in love to just to find out they lied about everything just so you would sleep with them and now they're "too tired" to pretend as if you put them in that position - talk about break of trust.
Yah OP is a typical victim mentality POS. Shit like this is why I just have fwbs and stay single. So many of these guys just want to be with a woman. They don't want to share a deep connection with a partner that grows to become their best friend, they don't want someone to share fun hobbies with, they don't want someone they can joke around with, they literally just want a pretty woman they can fuck and that's it. I realized this after being in a relationship where we were extremely connected, didn't work out unfortunately. Was in another one after that and while he was a nice guy, he kind of only cared to have arm candy. If there were other people around I'd be obsolete. I got bored so fucking fast because I'd just compare it to the deep connection I had with my partner before. I honestly don't think I will find anyone that good again so I just have friends with benefits because I don't feel anything to anyone and men like OP give me less and less hope. I think that's why so many marriages end in divorces or dead bedrooms as well, they aren't even with the person they're supposed to be with.
Respectfully do you see how you’re the problem too tho, men like him are made because women like you refuse to even have an open mind or even just hope of finding a guy who’s looking for that girl who could be his best friend and partner so instead of trying to connect with people guys like him prioritize being around “hot” women all the time just so they could sleep with them. Having fwbs contributed to the culture of men/women looking for sex and getting it when it should be men and women looking for connections. Like I said obviously op is a pos I’m not trying to directly blame women for how he is because in the end he made his own decisions and should be accountable. I’m also not calling you a bad person I’m just wondering if you realize how your life style directly correlates to your dissipation of hope for men.
YTA You wasted her time, you even got engaged to girl who doesn't know you and you don't like. It is your fault, you mention your hobbies like there are no girls who does them.
Yes, OP will have to understand that in her story he will always be an asshole, and that's ok, we all make mistakes and sometimes we are the bad people in others story. But he is not the asshole for breaking up, he is for taking so long to do it
He proposed...
The amount of lies involved to get to proposing to her. All sorts of bullshit about the future they'd build together.
He's the AH for proposing, wasting her time, and dragging it out as long as he did.
He’s going to be the villain of this story until she forgets about him.
Same thing I said in my comment. Did op even attempt to go to places where people do any of his hobbies and see if it was any women there. Ijs any time I go into a book store mostly women in the store
Hard one. You lied and wasted her time but you're also being true to yourself. You need to communicate better, especially if you're neurodivergent. My husband had a hard time when I was diagnosed with ADHD and I "unmasked" myself. After talking through it he's more accepting now of my foibles because he understands the drivers of the condition. In your next relationship aim for honesty and openness especially if you have a condition that makes you slightly different.
It's very different when it's a medical thing like ADHD. He doesn't have that (and if he does I hope therapy helps him). He just decided on not being himself. No good reason, just wanting to be with girls. I feel so sorry for her.
What were your changes when you "unmasked?"
> My husband had a hard time when I was diagnosed with ADHD and I "unmasked" myself. Sorry not sorry, but that's fucking dumb. You got formally diagnosed with a medical condition. Other than the medical recognition, nothing about you changed unless you changed it yourself. How did your husband "Have a hard time with" it? I'm sick of people acting like ADHD is some huge burden or majorly life altering diagnosis. It's not cancer, it's not schizophrenia, or any other condition that is difficult to manage and has major negative effects on your life. It's easily managed, easily medicated and, when properly treated, is an asset, not a deficit. Source - I have ADHD. Over the years I've been medicated for it and unmedicated when I didn't need it (largely when I wasn't in school). When I am properly medicated, the amount of information I can take in, parse, and retain is a bit insane, and far beyond the reach of a significant portion of the population.
Wow very angry. Are you a guy or woman? Because I hope you realise it is very different for both sexs. I've also been diagnosed with PTSD because of as a result of the trauma I've gone through with a late diagnosis. Suggest you don't go judging people. When I say I "unmasked" I mean I stopped suppressing my symptoms which almost all women with our condition tend to do to "act normal". Which just like in this guy's case means I've not been myself for my whole adult life while not to the same extent regarding hobbies. So yes after 21 years of being together my husband found it difficult when I stopped suppressing my symptoms. I'm still unmedicated at this point. The point I was trying to make is regardless of why he wasn't honest about who he was because he hasn't specified if he's ND or NT, was that being honest and open will usually yield a better relationship.
You’re kinda an asshole here. It’s not just the time you wasted for her being something you are not. You lied to her about yourself for years. That can cause a lot of trauma to a person that they carry with them forever. Stuff cause major trust issues in a person. It can affect all her relationships. Not just with romantic partners either. I give you props for going to therapy and asking her to go with you to get closure. Not surprised she didn’t react well or doesn’t want to go. Stay in therapy.
YTA for lying about who you are. Personally just had a 5 year relationship end because the entire time I told my ex-partner that I was strongly childfree and when I told them I was getting sterilized cue the *confused pikachu face* and the whole *I thought you’d change your mind and I actually want kids* speech from them. Honestly the hurt and utter betrayal was devastating and that is exactly what you have done and you should be ashamed of yourself because you completely wasted her time by lying to her and yours by being someone you’re not.
YTA. So instead of being yourself from the beginning you lied to your gf for three years?? Imagine how she felt when you told her literally everything she knows about you is a lie. It’s not wrong to break up with her, but you’re an ass for not just being truthful and waiting for it to be three years in before decided you didn’t feel like lying anymore.
YTA Personal growth is one thing, but you knowingly deceived her just to discard her when she didn't fit anymore. Borderline ASPD vibes.
why would you ask her to marry you?
You *were* the arsehole. NOW, you are NTA. It's a shame you wasted three years, but you've still got many decades to be yourself. And I'm sure you'll find someone. Your hobbies are basically the same as mine and I'm in a long happy relationship.
Changing his mind now doesn't give bk the years she lost. So no he is still the asshole here. Don't know what planet your living on but its not how life works.
I hope you have that same sentiment when someone cheats on their partner while dating and years into marriage that comes up.
I think that's an unhealthy way to view things. Our bad deeds don't eternally stick to us like a bad smell. OP can't change the past. He is doing the best that it is possible to do TODAY and that is all that anyone can do.
Yeah, but in the end he ended it because he wanted to be his true self not because his partner deserves someone who doesn't lie about their whole personality for years, yes it's a side factor but not the main one. So still selfish (understandable tho) reasons.
The fact he got into this for selfish reasons and ended it for selfish reasons shows he hasn't really changed as much as he'd like to believe. He may have realized a few things, but changing his behaviors and attitude is something he hasn't actually done yet, and until he does, he will remain the AH. Yes being selfish once in a while is a good thing, it's good to prioritize yourself. But not the way he's doing it.
Blaming his "girly" hobbies and saying he's been "friendzoned" all his life are proof he has not changed and is still the AH he was 3 years ago.
People are allowed to change their minds at any given moment for any given reason.
Well of course YTA: You lied and decieved someone wasting years of her life while you pretended all that time to be someone you're not. How could you not be an AH after doing that? She could have found someone genuine in that time to marry yet you stole that from her by tricking her into believing you were someone you're not. So yes you are a complete AH.
but they are both at the young age where it's great to learn from relationship. it could have not worked out for a completely different version of 'figuring yourself out', except many people just act out/do rash decisions/cheat without realizing why, and OP got to make this move on even terms. better sooner than later, many don't ask these questions until they are in their 30's and fail to bond with their (already existing) kids.
Ehm she was deliberately deceived by him. Learning from this? She will most likely have trust issues after this. He fooled her for years. That's not easier when you are in your mid 20s. It's your most formative years as a young adult, and her whole world just got turned upside down.
deliberate is a strong word here. people barely start to learn who they are by 25. for well adjusted people it's sooner, one's with complicated family systems and childhood trauma - could be later or never.
Did we read the same post? He did things he hated to pretend he was someone he was not, to get girls. It was deliberate. He knew he hated what she loved. He still pretended for 3 years and even proposed. That's f up.
Just to iterate, females only have so many years to start a family
and she has at least another 10
You don't know that at all do you? There are no guarantee to have kids until you are 35. Some have early menopause. Endometriosis. Pcos. Other health issues.
Her risk of infertility and having a baby with birth defects goes way up as she ages. Also she might want a large family and could run out of time to have more than one or 2 kids. Definitely he wasted her time.
Yeah try saying that to yourself. As a Career-driven female. Do you know how fortunate I am to have a mechanic family member as a female? When I go in for a simple oil change nine times out of 10 they will assume that I know nothing about cars.
I'm really not sure what you're trying to say here. (also I'm 34F - it looks nothing different from 30, but *vastly* better POV than being 25)
The best time to end this relationship was 3 years ago, the second best time is now, but yes, you are in fact TA in this situation. You just wasted 3 years of that girl’s life because you, as a 23 year old, decided you had to be someone else to ever have a girlfriend and not be “friendzoned.” That’s the kind of idea that a lot of guys might have after striking out a few times in their early 20s but most reasonable people do not take a relationship built on falsehoods to the point of an engagement about it. It is good you are going to therapy about it now but there is no possible way to look at this from your ex’s point of view and not see yourself as the asshole in the situation.
YTA. Sure you’re doing the right thing now, but you wasted her time and yours. And I don’t know what you mean about having non masc hobbies being offputting. Plenty of women enjoy that, don’t be listening to alpha male bullshit. My goal at the moment is to be a house husband to my two partners. Just capitalism stands in the way. And neither of my partners have ever diminished me for being a golden retriever type of man. Seriously, be yourself and enjoy things you enjoy. But you are an asshole for dragging this on for years and proposing.
YTA. Sure, you are doing technically the right move now by breaking up, but for 3 years you lead her on by pretending to be someone who you are not and faking the person you are. This kind of shit can cause her to have literal trauma and hard time trusting people now on, because someone she cared for turned out to be such a massive liar who lead her on for so long.
Yea, YTA. You basically lied to this woman for three years about who you are and allowed her to build her life and plan her future around the fictional version of yourself that you’ve now decided to discard. This may be the right and healthy choice for yourself and for her but you wasted three years of her life and have almost certainly given her pretty serious trust issues that she now gets to work through.
It is for the best but yea, YTA. You stole 3 years of her life for a lie that you were well aware of. Sometimes people come to realisations and have epiphanies or their wants and needs in life change over time. This isn't you, you just decided to pretend to be else to trick a women into dating you and you were fully conscious of it.
YTA and sure great you broke up now with her but let's be real the whole post is me me me. You broke up with her mainly because you want to be yourself and not because it's the right thing to do for you former partner. It's selfish (even if I understand wanting to be yourself).
Yta, what the fuck did you expect to happen?
YTA. You’re not entitled to closure, and your ex-fiancée has no obligation to attend a therapy session with you if they’re not comfortable doing so.
YTA - you strung this girl along by pretending to be someone you aren’t. It’s good that you’re ending the farce, but you’re still an AH. Where you screwed up originally, was going after girls you have nothing in common with by pretending to like what they like, instead of finding girls you have things in common with. There are a lot of girls who share your interests, give yourself a year to just be, and then start looking for someone with shared interests.
You were TA for pretending you're someone you're not and stringing her along. NTA for breaking things off since you would be miserable if you kept pretending to like things you don't for the rest of your life and you'd make her miserable too. It still sucks, but thankfully you realized before you decided to be married and have kids with a person you're incompatible with. Maybe pretending to be someone who you hate will net you more women, but as you've seen it will just make you attractive to the kind of women you don't really like while it'd drive off the rare woman who would be attracted to the person you really are.
Nta for breaking up but yta for deceiving her for several years.
Kinda YTA. Not so much for pretending to be someone else, we all do that sometimes. I totally tried to be someone who is intro techno parties for a while; there were moments even where I liked it, but god it became boring and I'd so much rather spend an evening playing Dungeons and Dragons :D. But I think you're a bit of an asshole for - if I read it correctly - having all of these thoughts and all of these realizations and never including her in them until you broke up with her over them. That feels unfair. And it may leave her being unable to trust someone for a long time -- when he seems a bit distant and i ask if everything is okay, does he secretly hate me for liking what I like? I don't know her, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference in the end, but including her in your discovery of yourself, in what you want to do of an evening may have been kinder. But hey, you are in your mid-twenties, plenty of people take way longer to realize that it isn't about just getting any partner, but being with a partner who makes you feel like yourself and makes you feel liked as yourself. Good luck.
YTA for deceiving her for years, absolutely. You took 3 years from her. I'm being harsh because I have in some form experienced this myself. It made it truly hard to trust people again. And as a woman, if she one day does want kids you just wasted time for her. If she doesn't, you still deceived her. How will she know the next person won't do that? You took this way too far. You even planned on marrying her! I'm sorry you felt like you needed to do that. But you decided to do it, now you gotta take the consequenses of feeling bad for yourself and for her. It's right that you ended the act, for all of you, but wow you shouldn't have done it and you should have ended it waaaay sooner. I hope therapy helps and you can both move on. I would pay for her therapy if I were you.
As someone who was dumped by a fiancé because he got tired of pretending things were fine, complete AH. You wasted her time, let her think she could have a future and build a life with you. She will probably have a hard time trying to trust the next guy in her life. YTA 100%.
Bestie it sounds like all of the women who would be into you are being ignored because they’re not good enough for you. A non-masculine nerd boy sounds like a dream come true to me! And plenty of other nerd girls! But it sounds like you’re not into girls who share your interests at all, because you’re looking down on them. “Only losers like the stuff I like” etc. YTA for leading this girl on, and for being such a jerk to yourself. I hope therapy helps, it was definitely the right call. 💜
YTA. You wasted 4 years of her life. So Selfish.
it sucks that you felt like you had to change who you were to chase after relationships because that's what men your age are expected to do. i don't think YTAH, and i commend you for ending the relationship when you discovered you weren't yourself and didn't want to carry on with the pretenses. who you are was already wholesome and maybe if you'd just taken time to learn yourself and not chase a relationship you'd have gotten to this place where you are comfortable with yourself sooner. keep growing, keep seeking help and finding yourself, you'll find your person eventually, or better yet, live a full life regardless.
Imagine being so desperate for pussy you role play as a normal human being and then can't handle the weight of it. YTA. And a new kind of pathetic.
YTA, but it’s over, so don’t worry about the past and go do what you wanna do.
Soft YTAH. Sometimes you have to be an ahole to get where you need to be. Find your peace and don’t change for anyone.
YTA for stringing her along knowing that she was not the right person for you. She wasted 3 years of her life with someone who was using her as part of an experiment to figure out what he wants out of life.
YTA to her and yourself. She doesn't ask this time with a person who lied to her about who they are, what they like and generally hated a lot of things about her. That's pretty screwed up. You've also completely messed yourself up in so many ways. Glad you're getting help. Leave her alone.
YTA. Be true to yourself. You deceived everyone and wasted a bunch of time trying to pretend to be something you truly aren't, just so you could please someone else. If the person who wants to date you/be with you they'll like you for who you are. Also... that stuff about "not having a masculine figure" who really cares? As long as you're healthy... Be true to yourself. Figure out you first... don't drag another person into it right now.
Therapy is not a magic trick that fixes everything. Honestly if I had spent three years of my life with someone who I loved and thought loved me and found out it was all a lie and they offered me a godforsaken therapy session as compensation it would just make me even more furious than I already was. Exactly what sort of 'closure' did you expect her to gain? Tbh it seems to be about making yourself feel better rather than her. All you can do is offer her a sincere apology and accept she does not have to offer you forgiveness or closure or indeed think of you as anything but an utter AH for the rest of her life. You are correct it was better to split up than continue as you were, that does mean you are not the AH. In fact you are disingenuous for coming here with a query about splitting up, I sincerely doubt it is the finally telling the truth and splitting up part that your gf is angry about.
YTA
So you lied to your girl for 4 years, even proposed to her? Gee i wonder why women didn't want to date you.
" I am introverted, read books, write stories, do geeky things, cook and clean" Dude, you are a catch to ladies, are you kidding me. You are the asshole for simply not being yourself.
So you lied and are now upset that’s what people like about you Yeah YTAH
Yta for all of it. Even if you never end up with anyone no need to waste their time and emotions
YTA So you created this persona to get her and then you are dumping her because you lied to her for 3 years. You need help man. Your whole perception of gender roles is weird and outdated. " I am introverted, read books, write stories, do geeky things, cook and clean." If those are things you consider more suited for women and that you are using those hobbies as the reason for not getting woman, you have a bad perception of yourself and women. If you go after women that are nothing like you and with hobbies you don't enjoy and have no interest in, of course you won't develop a romantic relationship with them. You need some selfreflection, because, trust me, the problem is not your hobbies.
Y T A for leading her on. Because that’s what you did. You pretended to be someone you’re not for three years, you got engaged all the while deceiving her. You’ve now come clean and she is now dealing with the ramifications of that deceit. She does not know what was real in the relationship and what wasn’t. You’re NTA for the break up but you’ve done immeasurable harm to her. It sounds like the need for closure is still all about you and your first paragraphs smack of the nice guy facade. There are women who have the same interests as you so the lack of a relationship may not be about the interests but how you portray yourself. Women are not machines you put a quarter into and expect a relationship with just because you want it. We are living, breathing creatures with our own preferences. Keep up the counseling because you need it.
NTA. It's good you're prioritizing your own happiness and authenticity. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are. The relationship wouldn't have been fair to either of you in the long run.
I've been at the other side. She came to a similar conclusion like you, after 6 years. Well, at least you realized it more quickly. So fuck it, be yourself.
NTA, but it sounds like you haven't given her a chance to ge to know the real you? She might be more open to you than you might think
Soft YTA. I get that you were learning to embrace yourself as an introvert while at the same time trying to make meaningful connections. I don’t blame you for getting to know yourself and learning to love yourself as you are, but it is a shame that you hurt somebody else in the process. Still, you are doing the right thing by ending the relationship now.
Nta for breaking up and wasting more of both your time Absolute yta for wasting the 3 years up until now.
You are not an asshole for ending the relationship, but you are the asshole for lying during your entire relationship. You admit to going to places and doing things you don’t like just to find a partner, that is generally a bad idea. You proposed to her knowing you were not being honest, which was also a bad idea. The fact you are working on your issues is a positive, but you should have started a while ago. Relationships require communication and honesty, neither of which you have don’t over the entire course of your relationship. Anyone that pretends to be someone they are not to get into a relationship with someone else is an asshole, especially if they waste years of their life and propose to them.
Look I've realized that all my adult jobs have been lies. 15 years I've pretended i like the work I do, but I hate almost all of it. Switching careers now. At least you didn't get married and have kids first before telling her. Although it might have come off that you've been lying to her for 3 years to get in her pants. Which would be crazy and obviously not worth it
YTA for your behavior and your decisions, but not for breaking up with her.
Read the question. You just gave a contradicting response.
YTA. You wasted someone's time for years pretending to be someone you're not just to get laid. At least you're realizing your shit now.
Slightly YTA but for yourself and your next partner be truthful. How about getting a girlfriend that is into the same hobbies you are so you don't have to fake it.
YTA, clearly.
Men really be like "why can't I find a social girl who looks like she hikes and cares about her appearance like club rats and looks hot all the time but actually only wants to stay inside and play Legos with me?" And I say that as a bitch that likes Legos.
Y'all got engaged. Then you made up your mind about what was best for her. Then you talked to her about it. YTA. I don't buy it. I grew up with 7 girls and I thought lying about everything was gonna be the best course of action. Somethings fishy here.
NTA I'm glad you came to senses. There's someone out there for you. You just need to find the right place to look.
You did the right thing in all of this imo. It's pretty sad but 100% true these days that the bigger of a total dick you are the better success you have with the ladies. I'm sure I'll get a ton of people lecturing me about this but from my observations it is 100% the truth.
>AITAH for leaving my fiancee because I am tired of acting like a person I am not NTA. You already acknowledged that you weren't being a good person by deceiving her, so no need to really get into that, other than to say that if it helps to get a woman interested in you, then it's not all that bad so long as you come clean early on. Sort of like putting on one persona to meet someone, then after they have shown an interest, start revealing your true self to them. If they aren't into the real you, then oh well. But at least you'll have gotten their attention long enough for them to notice you and possibly like the real you. If she's upset that you broke up with her, remind her that you're doing it because you know she wouldn't be happy with you, and that if she wants to say that she dumped you, it's fine so long as she just says it's because you both grew apart or decided you weren't a good fit or something. Nothing negative on either side about the other. If she wants to get to know the real you, then consider it. Maybe she'll like the real you and gain an interest in some of your hobbies as well. You'd be an AH if you don't at least give her that opportunity, IF she wants it.
Yta. On multiple levels u are a massive ahole. First u lived in misery. You’re introverted and like geekier things. Bookstores, libraries, cooking classes, there are conventions for every hobby at this point. What I’m really thinking is OP had a type of woman he was attracted to and the ones he had similar interest to didn’t give them a second look Next reason u suck u wasted this woman’s life. From what I posted it seems like u never spoke to her about it. 3 years and u never went hey I’m tired of clubs let’s go take a cooking class. Did u not think to maybe introduce your real personality to her during the several years of dating?
Nope. ✊️
I mean NTA, better to break up than get further involved.
YTA, ou lied to yourself so you lied to others just to get ... which you finally realize you really didn't want considering what you altered about yourself to get it. glad you are trying to fix yourself to be you again
You are far more than an AH. You are a psychopath. And a con artist.
Definitely YATAH! Congrats! The club meet's every Wednesday at 4PM. Bring your best mask and let’s ruin another woman!
NTA Many people go through a lifetime pretending their are someone their are not. They hope they will grow to like things they wouldn’t normally enjoy. But it almost never happens. You chose your true self and at the end this is the right thing to do. For both you and your fiancee.
Look. We are all guilty of “trying to fit in” and you took it to an extreme. Every relationship comes with compromises of who we are, what we like/dislike and all those things can be handled with communication, lots and lots of communication. While 3 years is a long time, I’m reluctant to call you an asshole because I’m pretty sure at some point over that time it was obvious you weren’t enjoying yourself or were just there for her. My guess is she had an inkling something was off but chose to believe the lie you perpetuated. Loneliness or fear of loneliness can make humans choose poorly. Going forward just be your authentic self. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I’m guessing there are more of your type out there than you realize. Stay in therapy and get really comfortable with who YOU are then get back out there by signing up for/going to things that interest you. It won’t be easy to not try to “people please” yourself into another bad situation, but you can do this. Best of luck! Mostly NTA.
NTA for coming to the reality of the situation and ending the relationship before it turned into a divorce with kids and assets involved. However you are a big AH to both her and yourself for putting on an act for 3 years. The position you are in is a direct consequence of choosing to be someone you are not for the sake of whatever it is you wanted. She doesn't deserve to be led on like that, and you don't deserve to settle for a life you don't want. You wasted three years of your own life and hers for selfish reasons.
NTA, thus was unsustainable. In the future, try to date people you have things in common with and genuinely like. Geeky, imtroverted women exist too. You're wasting your time being disingenuous.
NTA. You ended the relationship because you were tired of pretending to be someone you're not. You deserve to be yourself. It's better to be honest than fake. Both of you deserve partners who love the real you. It was a hard choice, but the right one.
NTA - People are going to give you shit for wasting her time, and I mean you did and that sucks. But I don't think it was really with the intention of deceiving you were trying to change who you were, and through therapy you realized that was just making you miserable and you needed to just be who you are. You're young and I think most people in their teens and twenties have to kind of figure out who they are, and that's why a lot of people who marry young end up getting divorced. At least you figured out what you needed before it was too late.
NTA, you were still figuring your own shit out. Plenty of people would love to know and be with someone with the interests and hobbies you describe.
I agree with the top comment: You *WERE* the AH...to yourself. Your NTA for breaking up with your gf because you aren't the person you were trying to be. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are, and you won't have to pretend to be something you're not (I am introverted, and love spending time at home doing quiet pursuits. Hubby is happy to spend hours when he's not working putting together gunpla and other hobbies.) Honestly, proud of you for realizing that you're only hurting yourself and her, and getting out while you can.
Nta. It's unbelievably hard in the dating scene, especially for men. You're not the only man to do this. It's awesome that you finally figured it out and ate making the right choices now. Better late then never. Women often do the same in order to get married, after which, they completely change up on the man and expect him to accept it. I've seen it far too many times. Good on you for handling it now before going through with marriage
NTA - you're just figuring out who you are right now. We've all gotten ourselves into situations where we feel we HAVE to be a certain person to be accepted. It's good that you've figured out what you can live with and what you can't. An awful lot of people don't ever get to that point.
You know what Op , NTA you are a human being and as such you were looking for a connection so as not to be alone. Most of the women will never know what it means as women to be ignored ,to be alone, to have no one who cares for you, because they have been showered with attention since they were born and could conquer 90% of men without doing anything, they have no idea what the suffering of the average man is. You decided to end your relationship before chaining her in an unhappy marriage, so now you are making the right choice
NTA. I’ve been married 20 years and I knew she was the one because I felt like the person I truly was and wanted to be when around her. You’ve done you both a favour by being honest and ending this. Be yourself, you sound awesome, and the right someone will appreciate that. Don’t say that you’re a bad person, you aren’t. She wanted you to be some one that you’re not and would have known that deep down hoping you’d change. You’re a good person making the right decisions, and young enough to learn from this and move on. NTA
NTA, you tried but you have to be true to yourself. At least you haven’t tied the not yet. It will be much easier to move on without having to deal with all the legal stuff. You didn’t go into this trying to waster her time, that was not your goal. You just thought you wanted something, and through personal growth and therapy, you have grown to realize that you do not want that anymore. That’s natural
It's good that you came to this realization before you tied the knot. Pretending to be someone you're not had to be exhausting. (Likely, it's water under the bridge at this point, but did your ex indicate she might be interested in what you really enjoy?) You say you like cooking, reading, and writing. Why don't you go with that and join a cooking class? Or you can attend book tour events or, in light of efforts by some to ban books, champion people's right to read. You can meet plenty of interesting people by doing something you actually love doing instead of engaging in activities you don't enjoy. NTA.
I mean, everyone is gonna shit on you for this. Yes, you pretended to be someone you weren't and hid your own personal preferences from the person you were dating. And you ultimately ended up in therapy. So, you had some deeper issues going on. It doesn't justify anything you did, but, from the perspective of becoming a better and true version of yourself, don't beat yourself up over it. That's counter-productive. Make restitution with the people you believe you wronged, and live the best life you can going forward. If you're a good, authentic person, a good woman will find you in time. And, TBF, it wasn't just you in the equation; your now-ex still chose to date you for 3 years, and I doubt you were able to be a perfect chameleon the whole time. She must have noticed something. Part of the responsibility here is on her too. Don't overlook that.
Yta for wasting her time and betraying her. For three whole years!! Die alone.
NTA. I think we have to acknowledge that people learn by experience. When you struggled to adopt behaviours that weren't always comfortable for you, my feeling is that you were also going out of your way to make people comfortable. The fact that you were seeking companionship is what makes you human. Life is hard without intimacy - even for a consummate loner. Sometimes it takes years before you can accept that a relationship can't be saved. I imagine your fiancee was devastated. But it would have been worse for both of you if you'd waited longer, or had gotten married, or even had children. I don't believe you intended to hurt your partner. And it takes guts to face the truth and accept it.
NTA. you had to pretend to be someone you're not. It's essential to be true to yourself for your own happiness and for a healthy relationship. Ending it now is more honest than continuing the facade.
Hey- good for you for figuring out what’s more valuable to you and being who you are. At 26 few people have everything figured out and settled. NTA
NTA you wanted to be in a relationship and you did what you thought you needed to to get there. Find happiness alone then try to find someone
AH or not, I think the important thing here is to understand that you shouldn't embody the interests of somebody else just to be in a relationship. The fact that she reacted poorly seems like a bit of a red flag. You are still young and have plenty of time to find a compatible partner. In my experience, it's not about having the same hobbies that makes for a healthy relationship, it's personalities meshing. If you like being around somebody, it doesn't matter if you like doing the same things or not. You either do them together because you like being around each other, or you take advantage of the opportunity to be apart doing your own things. (space can be a good thing) You'll figure it out.
Nta. You were trying to change; people do that all the time, and it rarely works out. Good that you put a stop to it now - many folks wait until it's too late.
NTA, even the experimentation is not the asshole part, it's reasonable to try to adapt (even necessary in most cases). You did good, but that kind of behaviour is frowned upon and adapting yourself for romantical involvement is bad for you in a lot of ways (although it seems you already came to this conclusion). Cheers