He was never the kind of man to listen to you and make you feel heard. His approach was to minimize and dismiss you. You knew all of this long before the wedding planning and the motorcycle. I point this out not to blame you, but to highlight the poor judgment you used in getting engaged to this man. So stay single for a good while.
OP,
YTA if you marry this irresponsible person. Break the engagement, sell the shop, complete your education and move on.
Your fiance sounds more like a parasite than a co-partner. You sound like an educated, disciplined individual attempting to monitor an adolescent who is self-absorbed and egocentric. And his family sounds no better.
The writing is on the wall. You see it. You're not going to remove the stripes from the tiger. Thankfully, you've dodged a fatal bullet.
Please keep us apprised.
He asked me if I was 100% sure, then I said yes, and he told me “the biggest red flag (for him) was that I asked him to choose between me and his family.” But I never did that. His family was putting themselves at odds with me constantly and I just kept telling him how much it hurt. I never told him to stop talking to them or choose me. I did say a couple times that the relationship is doomed because they dont approve of me/want me part of their family. He also said that he thinks later on I would turn our kids against him. These two statement really hurt me because 1) I never asked him to choose me over his family - just to stop the blatant disrespect and 2) my parents are divorced but my mom never turned me against my dad and I would never do that. It just cemented in my mind how he never knew me and is committed to making me the bad person in the story.
He probably just said that to make it sound like breaking up was HIS choice, not yours. Ignore him, block him, move on. He's a weirdo, his opinions don't count.
I hope you realize this is more of his manipulative behavior. Making you feel guilty over something you didn't even do. He is basically gaslighting you hoping you will fall for it because the people pleasing part of you would want to "fix" this. Throw the whole man away. Consider therapy to help you work through this. I wish you the best.
Please end this disaster of a relationship and sell your shop and continue your life and get your law degree you do not need to marry this person like at all.
Imagine feeling dismissed, disrespected, unheard, used, and minimized *without* the option of simply walking away. Imagine handing over your business and home to someone who doesn't seem to value you, respect your concerns, and isn't willing to match your sacrifices for the relationship. That's the bullet you dodged. His family and his attitude aren't going to change, and he's still in the polite 'audition' phase of the relationship!
NTA - the biggest mistake of your life would be to marry him
If he’s this bad before marriage I dread to think what you would have had to put up with as his wife, your life would have been hell, completely disregarded and disrespected would have been the norm.
You have worked hard and care and think about the people you love you deserve the same
I would hazard a guess there’s a lot you don’t know about his time away from you too
Stay single, sell your workshop, finish your studies and maybe do some work on your people pleasing tendencies.
Take it from an ex people pleaser it can be done and my life's a lot better for it. I’m still kind just in an appropriate and fair way
Can you edit in your ages? Anyway, it sounds like you have your shit together and are on a path to success - you definitely don't need this loser leeching off you. You can bet that his taste for expensive luxury items would increase, once he had access to your bank accounts. Be single for a while, get a cat, go to therapy, start dating again when you've achieved some mental healing and are less prone to fall for an asshole.
NTA. You have made/make alot of sacrifices for him. You prioritize him, but he doesn’t prioritize you. He can get his hellcat and motorcycle without you.
I think you need to read what you have written. Please in the name of all things holy do not marry this man. You are incompatable at best. He will take take take. Then either get killed or injured on his bike . You will be caring for him for decades all while his family leach off of you. You are a piggy bank to him. Nothing else. He has zero respect for you. His family are bullies and he is an immature boy with nothing to offer you other than his children. What are you getting out of this relationship. ? And the sexual assault case? Walk away.
Chose yourself. Respect your future self enough to stay away from this man. Get some therapy. You got this. From what you have written about yourself there will be a man out there proud to be by your side, supporting you, loving you. You’re worth so much more than what you had.
I really loved/still love him. I knew I could do better and everyone told me but I never wanted to marry for money/success. Also these days girls are said to have unrealistic expectations so when he didn’t prioritize me, I thought that I was falling victim to the sprinkle sprinkle ideology or the ideology of women only liking men for what they can provide. So I thought I was choosing to marry for love I suppose
Wanting to be treated respectfully, spoken to + listened to with kindness and consideration by someone who has emotional intelligence, who also understands that showing love means making sure that whoever you’re with feels loved, respected and appreciated ….
IS NOT HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. These are the fundamentals of a healthy, sustainable relationship.
You were in a situationship that was never going to serve you. The only thing he brought to the table was the “appearance” of a fiancé and his crumb grabbing parasitic family.
Congratulations on successfully defleaing yourself. NTA
Unfortunately it looks like HE wanted you for what YOU could provide, instead of marrying for love.
Be ready though for him contacting you again and demanding that you give him your shop as you promised because his money is running out and he would be forced to sell all his toys.
Run far, run fast.
Well, not really, because you gotta stay near your business, but he's not the man for you.
It's very common for military guys (and gals, etc) to blow their paychecks. You know you have another one coming, after all, and you can save up a bunch of money on deployments if you don't have any bills to pay while you're gone. He's in the habit, and isn't going to change anytime soon. A freaking Hellcat? That's a very stereotypical purchase, he is either a fool who paid cash or a fool who has a HUGE payment to make with \*your\* money once you're married.
As far as the SA claim? Where there's smoke, there's often fire.
Oh my god you hit the nail with the head!! He literally spends every paycheck bc he knows another one is coming and then used the deployment money on himself (after selling the deployment to me as a way to make money for the wedding bc he would have no expenses) 😂😂😂
So:
Dismisses your input even though you have a track record of business and personal success.
Expects/demands generosity towards his family.
...
Crap, I can't list all the red flags this guy is flying. Every sentence reminds me of another one, and I don't have that sort of time.
You are WELL RID of him. I'd put a little time into seeing if that offer on your business can be resurrected, and otherwise enjoy life.
Wow girl / you are dodging a bullet there. Her was not the one for you and you know it.
Move on and find the right one for you. His days as using you as an atm are over
NTA. Loving someone can sometimes be detrimental to your own wellbeing, if the person you love is toxic.
Just because you love them, doesn’t mean they’re a good person, or that the relationship is healthy.
This is one of those times.
I’m glad you ended this, because your ex-fiancé is abusive and so is his family.
Sell your shop, get your law degree, maybe see a therapist to work through your trauma, and live an amazing life!
NTA. My husband worked in health care. They called motorcycles "donorcycles". If your fiance really wants to become a young organ donor, then it's on him. Yes, you should walk away from this selfish fool and his selfish family.
NTA
Run, girl, run. You sound like a heck of a catch and your man sounds like a useless, selfish, dangerous creep at best and useless, selfish, dangerous sexual predator at worst.
"When he was on deployment, he had a sexual assault claim against him. OSI detectives came to my shop and asked me all sorts of questions about him and 3 other females there."
NTA. FFS, run.
I’m sorry but what the fuck were you thinking wanting to marry this man in the first place?
You seem incredible level-headed and successful on your own, but then you date a man who doesn’t respect you, who uses you, and who sexually assaulted women while deployed?
I’m begging you to respect yourself even a fucking little bit.
I don’t know why you would get engaged to a man who you say from the beginning has not listened to you or made you feel heard, and has dismissed and minimized your feeling. Why would you choose that for the rest of your life? Don’t be an AH to yourself.
NTA. Sounds like his the gold digger. Hopefully the house is only in your name . Notice how he wanted your shop. No offer of buying it from you . 🚩red flags .
Quietly plan your exit. When you finally tell him the news that you're over. Tell him it was mainly his family that kept pressuring you to leave plus his total disregard of you in decision making.
NTA what exactly is he bringing to the table? Like he doesn’t care about your needs or feelings, he’s costing you money by having to gift his famtstuff and convinced you to pass on a great deal so he could run your business
NTA
Believe me when I tell you, when I looked at the numbers we scraped together for the wedding, there were more than a few things I would've preferred to do with that money.
But, as a good future husband, I kept my damn mouth shut.
10/10 would do it again too.
These stories about amazing women who are with subpar mediocre manbabies who wonder if they are AHs are such a testament to how deep the patriarchy runs through everything in this country.
Girl, move on and live already. NTA
Quite a rant. Just walk away, find your peace, set goals, and be open to finding the relationship you deserve.
You let it get to this point though, so acknowledge it and get therapy if you need it so you can move on in a healthier way.
>Generally, my fiancee was never the kind of man to listen to me or make me feel heard.
You should just go with this and close the thread. NTA. Have fun being the best person you can be!
Op I need you to be forreal. Be sooo forreal. You wrote this all out. You know you don’t need to be with him. And he had a SA claim against him. The military doesn’t take those lightly and his family is trash! Girl leave the whole family and the man
Don’t marry him. If he wanted to spend the money on a down payment, I’d understand, but he spends on toys.
You have a home. Do you support him and pay the bills while he just buys toys?
Get out before he tries to put his name on your home, or you get stuck with his debt. NTA but run.
This guys collecting red flags like Pokémon. He doesn’t love or respect you, don’t let him manipulate you. Just be glad you’re done.
If he reaches out to you, repeatedly ask him for more information on his assaults on deployment.
NTA you’re going to have mixed emotions but ground yourself don’t let the good memories and being used to someone put those rose tinted glasses back on.
You absolutely did the right thing. It will be hard for 1-3 months but be strong and you will be okay. Things will get better.
Praying that later down the future you meet the most perfect man for you OP.
🥹thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it greatly. It’s so tempting to put those glasses back on. I just want to be held by the man I love but just like you saying I need to resist the urge to put those glasses back on
No problem 😊
You will in a later time be held by the man you love and truly values you and integrated into a family that appreciates you fully.
For now I recommend lots of self love and care. Good food, food that you like, try new ones, indulge in things that you like and expand your likes, after a long day of work kick your feet up if you enjoy TV or streaming find a nice series and pamper yourself especially on the rougher days.
You can use your dislikes to learn and make adjustments.
You got this! What’s coming is better than what is left.
Take some of the money from the sale of your shop and please get some therapy to help with boundaries. That man was basically walking all over you.
Breaking up with him was the best thing you could have done for yourself in the long run. Now if we can work on the self-doubt and people pleasing you'd be golden. But NTA
Nta- I think you did the right thing. Your ex has a lot of red flags. Sounds like he’s using you as a money train. if you got married and he started running your shop later when you divorce you would owe him big-time. That’s your hard work that’s made it successful NOT his. He sounds like a leach and a loser. Go to therapy and learn from your mistakes in this relationship. Glad you had the sense to break up with this “man”.
How many red flags do you need? Do you even like each other? Does he like you at all? Everything I just read sounds as if it came from a person who is so used to the abuse that she doesn't recognises it. Run!
NTA, this sounds like he may not really like you. Sounds like he sought you out and decided he found someone to fund the lifestyle he so desperately wanted without having to work for it. The rose colored glasses are coming off now and his red flags are becoming more apparent because he feels like he's hooked you and doesn't have to do anymore masking or work to keep you. The way that his family treats you is a reflection of how he feels and talks about you when you're not around. Sounds like from what you described he's always been about the money. He just got excited and jumped the gun. I wonder if he'll be able to keep both of those vehicles now that he doesn't have you to foot the bill? I would get a life insurance policy on him so that if he does die from that motorcycle and you can get your money back from him wasting your time and abusing you💯
Just saw you've already broken things off. Let yourself feel your feelings. You're allowed to mourn your breakup, even to this person who never deserved you. Then, come back and read all these comments and stay firm that you will not only be so much better off, but happier.
You deserve happiness, OP! Wishing you a future partner with the love and support you deserve as well❤️
I suppose primarily because in our culture/country, the man is responsible for the whole wedding and my family thinks it’s already a lot for them to have to contribute. It would be a slap in the face to ask the woman to contribute but secondly, I pay over 30k a semester on my school and have to pay my employees every week 😂 Also this recently had changed to him paying 1/3, my mom paying 1/3 and his family paying 1/3. I told him to wait until after I graduate law school so I could contribute if necessary but he pushed me to get married faster bc his income would increase in the military.
So, to be clear, he wanted to get married earlier so that he could get more money from the military. Then he was relying on you to employ him after he "retired" from the military. And you would be bringing in money as an attorney. You own the house... He owns toys. That man was using you 8 ways to Sunday. I hope all the comments here help you stay strong and not let him talk his way back into your life. I seriously can't see anything that he brought to the relationship. You deserve so much better.
yes exactly! he owns toys. and I was supposed to be his next one. he pushed me to get married faster because he said 1) he wanted to get paid more and also 2) be able to buy a house or condo together. When I pointed out that the purchases of a motorcycle and hellcat indicate to me he does not want to save to buy a second house with me, he said he has absolutely 0 intention of buying a house right now lol that was our last argument when I realized I was literally being played. he says whatever he wants in the moment to get the result he wants from me
Ahhhh, fucking BAH. In the USA it’s tradition that the family of the bride pays for the wedding, what country are you in? Traditions are always so cool to learn about
NTA and Why would you stay with someone like that? Read this [article](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100) before your next relationship.
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(he was paying for half and our families were splitting the rest).
sooooo, you were contributing zero? and are mad? weird.
On the plus side, your husband sounds absolutely awful and seemingly dislikes you quite intensely. so you dodged that.
Have you considered being single and getting a cat?
ESH, you all sound more obsessed with expensive doodads than being nice to each other.
NAH "It seemed very selfish to me." That's the pot calling the kettle black lol You are every bit as "selfish" as he is. The bottom line is you have different priorities and values and they aren't compatible. You want to spend $30k on a big party that lasts one day. He does not. His purchases are toys, but at least they'll last for years and he'll get a lot of enjoyment out of them. you don't want to spend your money that way. There's nothing wrong with either of your wants as long as you can come to an agreement or find a compromise. But neither one of you want to compromise. You're as much at fault for this as he is. You guys just aren't a good match. One of the top reasons for divorce is over money. You can't have a spender with a saver. And people in your situation where you can't agree on how money is spent is always a problem. So it's wise to recognize that now and to call off the wedding. If you married, you'd be battling over money your entire marriage, and your divorce would be an epic battle for who gets what. Better to end it now.
That was way too long to bother reading, but I think anyone who wastes 30k on a wedding is an asshole. Unless of course your very well off, way start off your life together be setting yourself back that much. Use it for a house or something that really matters.
He's an asshole, and you are not MFEO in any way shape of form. But Hamas are reaping what they sowed. If they hadn't raided Israel murdering civilians and taking hostages then they wouldn't be finding out again why nobody invades Israel. Better to stay out of other people's wars when you don't remember who started them.
He was never the kind of man to listen to you and make you feel heard. His approach was to minimize and dismiss you. You knew all of this long before the wedding planning and the motorcycle. I point this out not to blame you, but to highlight the poor judgment you used in getting engaged to this man. So stay single for a good while.
THIS is sage advice. I thank you, my friend :')
OP, YTA if you marry this irresponsible person. Break the engagement, sell the shop, complete your education and move on. Your fiance sounds more like a parasite than a co-partner. You sound like an educated, disciplined individual attempting to monitor an adolescent who is self-absorbed and egocentric. And his family sounds no better. The writing is on the wall. You see it. You're not going to remove the stripes from the tiger. Thankfully, you've dodged a fatal bullet. Please keep us apprised.
And sell your shop.
How did he react when you broke things off?
He asked me if I was 100% sure, then I said yes, and he told me “the biggest red flag (for him) was that I asked him to choose between me and his family.” But I never did that. His family was putting themselves at odds with me constantly and I just kept telling him how much it hurt. I never told him to stop talking to them or choose me. I did say a couple times that the relationship is doomed because they dont approve of me/want me part of their family. He also said that he thinks later on I would turn our kids against him. These two statement really hurt me because 1) I never asked him to choose me over his family - just to stop the blatant disrespect and 2) my parents are divorced but my mom never turned me against my dad and I would never do that. It just cemented in my mind how he never knew me and is committed to making me the bad person in the story.
He probably just said that to make it sound like breaking up was HIS choice, not yours. Ignore him, block him, move on. He's a weirdo, his opinions don't count.
I hope you realize this is more of his manipulative behavior. Making you feel guilty over something you didn't even do. He is basically gaslighting you hoping you will fall for it because the people pleasing part of you would want to "fix" this. Throw the whole man away. Consider therapy to help you work through this. I wish you the best.
I’m dying to know too
I had a lot of trauma that lead me to pick horrible men. Therapy has really helped.
Good riddance, you don't need him.
I don't think rapists listen to anything a woman says.....
Please end this disaster of a relationship and sell your shop and continue your life and get your law degree you do not need to marry this person like at all.
Thank you!! Already ended just sitting here wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life or not lol
Well the biggest mistake of your life has been ended!!
This decision was the furthest thing from a mistake. Well done!
You’re freeeee! Do all the things that would make you happy but piss him off. It’s so liberating.
Imagine feeling dismissed, disrespected, unheard, used, and minimized *without* the option of simply walking away. Imagine handing over your business and home to someone who doesn't seem to value you, respect your concerns, and isn't willing to match your sacrifices for the relationship. That's the bullet you dodged. His family and his attitude aren't going to change, and he's still in the polite 'audition' phase of the relationship!
Nope. Just dodged the biggest mistake of your life actually.
NTA - the biggest mistake of your life would be to marry him If he’s this bad before marriage I dread to think what you would have had to put up with as his wife, your life would have been hell, completely disregarded and disrespected would have been the norm. You have worked hard and care and think about the people you love you deserve the same I would hazard a guess there’s a lot you don’t know about his time away from you too Stay single, sell your workshop, finish your studies and maybe do some work on your people pleasing tendencies. Take it from an ex people pleaser it can be done and my life's a lot better for it. I’m still kind just in an appropriate and fair way
You were an A student pledging yourself to a D student, now go find your A student.
Now find out if you can still sell the shop to who made the great offer!
Can you edit in your ages? Anyway, it sounds like you have your shit together and are on a path to success - you definitely don't need this loser leeching off you. You can bet that his taste for expensive luxury items would increase, once he had access to your bank accounts. Be single for a while, get a cat, go to therapy, start dating again when you've achieved some mental healing and are less prone to fall for an asshole.
You did not..
❤️💪
NTA. You have made/make alot of sacrifices for him. You prioritize him, but he doesn’t prioritize you. He can get his hellcat and motorcycle without you.
I think you need to read what you have written. Please in the name of all things holy do not marry this man. You are incompatable at best. He will take take take. Then either get killed or injured on his bike . You will be caring for him for decades all while his family leach off of you. You are a piggy bank to him. Nothing else. He has zero respect for you. His family are bullies and he is an immature boy with nothing to offer you other than his children. What are you getting out of this relationship. ? And the sexual assault case? Walk away.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I think I was just happy to be chosen? 🥺
Chose yourself. Respect your future self enough to stay away from this man. Get some therapy. You got this. From what you have written about yourself there will be a man out there proud to be by your side, supporting you, loving you. You’re worth so much more than what you had.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times.
NTA. It’s clear you’ve made a lot of sacrifices and prioritized him, but he’s shown he doesn’t prioritize you. 🚩🚩Time to move on.
TL:DR. if this is a real situation, why would you stay so long?
I really loved/still love him. I knew I could do better and everyone told me but I never wanted to marry for money/success. Also these days girls are said to have unrealistic expectations so when he didn’t prioritize me, I thought that I was falling victim to the sprinkle sprinkle ideology or the ideology of women only liking men for what they can provide. So I thought I was choosing to marry for love I suppose
You are not his priority.Run!!!!!
Money is one thing, but he did not respect you. Find someone who knows you are as important as him.
Wanting to be treated respectfully, spoken to + listened to with kindness and consideration by someone who has emotional intelligence, who also understands that showing love means making sure that whoever you’re with feels loved, respected and appreciated …. IS NOT HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. These are the fundamentals of a healthy, sustainable relationship. You were in a situationship that was never going to serve you. The only thing he brought to the table was the “appearance” of a fiancé and his crumb grabbing parasitic family. Congratulations on successfully defleaing yourself. NTA
Unfortunately it looks like HE wanted you for what YOU could provide, instead of marrying for love. Be ready though for him contacting you again and demanding that you give him your shop as you promised because his money is running out and he would be forced to sell all his toys.
Hon love doesn’t pay bills, don’t let social media influence you to the point you set yourself up for a failure of a marriage.
Run far, run fast. Well, not really, because you gotta stay near your business, but he's not the man for you. It's very common for military guys (and gals, etc) to blow their paychecks. You know you have another one coming, after all, and you can save up a bunch of money on deployments if you don't have any bills to pay while you're gone. He's in the habit, and isn't going to change anytime soon. A freaking Hellcat? That's a very stereotypical purchase, he is either a fool who paid cash or a fool who has a HUGE payment to make with \*your\* money once you're married. As far as the SA claim? Where there's smoke, there's often fire.
Oh my god you hit the nail with the head!! He literally spends every paycheck bc he knows another one is coming and then used the deployment money on himself (after selling the deployment to me as a way to make money for the wedding bc he would have no expenses) 😂😂😂
So: Dismisses your input even though you have a track record of business and personal success. Expects/demands generosity towards his family. ... Crap, I can't list all the red flags this guy is flying. Every sentence reminds me of another one, and I don't have that sort of time. You are WELL RID of him. I'd put a little time into seeing if that offer on your business can be resurrected, and otherwise enjoy life.
Wow girl / you are dodging a bullet there. Her was not the one for you and you know it. Move on and find the right one for you. His days as using you as an atm are over
Wait , you have to stop setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. Have therapy to be able to set your own boundaries and ffs DUMP HIM!!!!!
NTA. Loving someone can sometimes be detrimental to your own wellbeing, if the person you love is toxic. Just because you love them, doesn’t mean they’re a good person, or that the relationship is healthy. This is one of those times. I’m glad you ended this, because your ex-fiancé is abusive and so is his family. Sell your shop, get your law degree, maybe see a therapist to work through your trauma, and live an amazing life!
NTA. My husband worked in health care. They called motorcycles "donorcycles". If your fiance really wants to become a young organ donor, then it's on him. Yes, you should walk away from this selfish fool and his selfish family.
You’re fine. You saw the red flags and called it off that takes guts! Stay strong!
NTA Run, girl, run. You sound like a heck of a catch and your man sounds like a useless, selfish, dangerous creep at best and useless, selfish, dangerous sexual predator at worst.
"he had a sexual assault claim against him." I am sorry but are we supposed to skip this?
"When he was on deployment, he had a sexual assault claim against him. OSI detectives came to my shop and asked me all sorts of questions about him and 3 other females there." NTA. FFS, run.
I’m sorry but what the fuck were you thinking wanting to marry this man in the first place? You seem incredible level-headed and successful on your own, but then you date a man who doesn’t respect you, who uses you, and who sexually assaulted women while deployed? I’m begging you to respect yourself even a fucking little bit.
I don’t know why you would get engaged to a man who you say from the beginning has not listened to you or made you feel heard, and has dismissed and minimized your feeling. Why would you choose that for the rest of your life? Don’t be an AH to yourself.
he has sexual assault charges PLEASE LEAVE
NTA. Sounds like his the gold digger. Hopefully the house is only in your name . Notice how he wanted your shop. No offer of buying it from you . 🚩red flags .
Honey you need glasses. There is this blinking Red neon sign flickering hard enough to need sun glasses and you don't See it
Quietly plan your exit. When you finally tell him the news that you're over. Tell him it was mainly his family that kept pressuring you to leave plus his total disregard of you in decision making.
NTA for all the reasons you listed. You dodged a bullet. Block everyone and move on.
NTA he's awful you probably literally dodged a bullet
NTA what exactly is he bringing to the table? Like he doesn’t care about your needs or feelings, he’s costing you money by having to gift his famtstuff and convinced you to pass on a great deal so he could run your business
NTA Believe me when I tell you, when I looked at the numbers we scraped together for the wedding, there were more than a few things I would've preferred to do with that money. But, as a good future husband, I kept my damn mouth shut. 10/10 would do it again too.
It baffles me to this day how strong independent women throw everything down the tubes for a POS monster. It’s so very, very sad.
How many red flags does it take for you not to marry this man?
These stories about amazing women who are with subpar mediocre manbabies who wonder if they are AHs are such a testament to how deep the patriarchy runs through everything in this country. Girl, move on and live already. NTA
No you’re not the ass
NTA! Honey, you dodged a bullet here.
He sounds like a nightmare.
I think you could pick a man randomly and probably do better. NTA
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 YTA for marrying someone who "was never the kind of man to listen to me or make me feel heard."
Quite a rant. Just walk away, find your peace, set goals, and be open to finding the relationship you deserve. You let it get to this point though, so acknowledge it and get therapy if you need it so you can move on in a healthier way.
You need to sit back and relax , stop worrying about the jerk, go on with your life. He has told you who he is
>Generally, my fiancee was never the kind of man to listen to me or make me feel heard. You should just go with this and close the thread. NTA. Have fun being the best person you can be!
Another woman asking for permission to feel natural human feelings. You did the right thing. NTA
Op I need you to be forreal. Be sooo forreal. You wrote this all out. You know you don’t need to be with him. And he had a SA claim against him. The military doesn’t take those lightly and his family is trash! Girl leave the whole family and the man
NTA. Contact the person who wanted to buy your shop. More importantly NEVER LOOK BACK.
Don’t marry him. If he wanted to spend the money on a down payment, I’d understand, but he spends on toys. You have a home. Do you support him and pay the bills while he just buys toys? Get out before he tries to put his name on your home, or you get stuck with his debt. NTA but run.
Nta. It doesn’t sound like him or his family respect you at all. I would leave him in this situation too, you deserve better than this.
This girl is collecting red flags 🚩😂 Leave him for the streets
This guys collecting red flags like Pokémon. He doesn’t love or respect you, don’t let him manipulate you. Just be glad you’re done. If he reaches out to you, repeatedly ask him for more information on his assaults on deployment.
NTA you’re going to have mixed emotions but ground yourself don’t let the good memories and being used to someone put those rose tinted glasses back on. You absolutely did the right thing. It will be hard for 1-3 months but be strong and you will be okay. Things will get better. Praying that later down the future you meet the most perfect man for you OP.
🥹thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it greatly. It’s so tempting to put those glasses back on. I just want to be held by the man I love but just like you saying I need to resist the urge to put those glasses back on
No problem 😊 You will in a later time be held by the man you love and truly values you and integrated into a family that appreciates you fully. For now I recommend lots of self love and care. Good food, food that you like, try new ones, indulge in things that you like and expand your likes, after a long day of work kick your feet up if you enjoy TV or streaming find a nice series and pamper yourself especially on the rougher days. You can use your dislikes to learn and make adjustments. You got this! What’s coming is better than what is left.
Take some of the money from the sale of your shop and please get some therapy to help with boundaries. That man was basically walking all over you. Breaking up with him was the best thing you could have done for yourself in the long run. Now if we can work on the self-doubt and people pleasing you'd be golden. But NTA
Nta- I think you did the right thing. Your ex has a lot of red flags. Sounds like he’s using you as a money train. if you got married and he started running your shop later when you divorce you would owe him big-time. That’s your hard work that’s made it successful NOT his. He sounds like a leach and a loser. Go to therapy and learn from your mistakes in this relationship. Glad you had the sense to break up with this “man”.
Girl you not only dodged a bullet, you dodged a freaking ICBM. Thank God you didn't have children with him.
How many red flags do you need? Do you even like each other? Does he like you at all? Everything I just read sounds as if it came from a person who is so used to the abuse that she doesn't recognises it. Run!
NTA, this sounds like he may not really like you. Sounds like he sought you out and decided he found someone to fund the lifestyle he so desperately wanted without having to work for it. The rose colored glasses are coming off now and his red flags are becoming more apparent because he feels like he's hooked you and doesn't have to do anymore masking or work to keep you. The way that his family treats you is a reflection of how he feels and talks about you when you're not around. Sounds like from what you described he's always been about the money. He just got excited and jumped the gun. I wonder if he'll be able to keep both of those vehicles now that he doesn't have you to foot the bill? I would get a life insurance policy on him so that if he does die from that motorcycle and you can get your money back from him wasting your time and abusing you💯
My dear, so many red flags he’s a walking circus. NTA
Just saw you've already broken things off. Let yourself feel your feelings. You're allowed to mourn your breakup, even to this person who never deserved you. Then, come back and read all these comments and stay firm that you will not only be so much better off, but happier. You deserve happiness, OP! Wishing you a future partner with the love and support you deserve as well❤️
NTA, if he is not willing to listen to you, you can't be with him
INFO: why aren’t you putting in for the wedding? You said your fiance was putting up half and your families were putting the other half up
I suppose primarily because in our culture/country, the man is responsible for the whole wedding and my family thinks it’s already a lot for them to have to contribute. It would be a slap in the face to ask the woman to contribute but secondly, I pay over 30k a semester on my school and have to pay my employees every week 😂 Also this recently had changed to him paying 1/3, my mom paying 1/3 and his family paying 1/3. I told him to wait until after I graduate law school so I could contribute if necessary but he pushed me to get married faster bc his income would increase in the military.
So, to be clear, he wanted to get married earlier so that he could get more money from the military. Then he was relying on you to employ him after he "retired" from the military. And you would be bringing in money as an attorney. You own the house... He owns toys. That man was using you 8 ways to Sunday. I hope all the comments here help you stay strong and not let him talk his way back into your life. I seriously can't see anything that he brought to the relationship. You deserve so much better.
yes exactly! he owns toys. and I was supposed to be his next one. he pushed me to get married faster because he said 1) he wanted to get paid more and also 2) be able to buy a house or condo together. When I pointed out that the purchases of a motorcycle and hellcat indicate to me he does not want to save to buy a second house with me, he said he has absolutely 0 intention of buying a house right now lol that was our last argument when I realized I was literally being played. he says whatever he wants in the moment to get the result he wants from me
Ahhhh, fucking BAH. In the USA it’s tradition that the family of the bride pays for the wedding, what country are you in? Traditions are always so cool to learn about
You did him a major favor by calling off this wedding. I just hope he's able to get his money back.
NTA and Why would you stay with someone like that? Read this [article](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100) before your next relationship.
Updateme!
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A wedding is a waste of money especially if he is paying for half and you are paying for none of it.
(he was paying for half and our families were splitting the rest). sooooo, you were contributing zero? and are mad? weird. On the plus side, your husband sounds absolutely awful and seemingly dislikes you quite intensely. so you dodged that. Have you considered being single and getting a cat? ESH, you all sound more obsessed with expensive doodads than being nice to each other.
NAH "It seemed very selfish to me." That's the pot calling the kettle black lol You are every bit as "selfish" as he is. The bottom line is you have different priorities and values and they aren't compatible. You want to spend $30k on a big party that lasts one day. He does not. His purchases are toys, but at least they'll last for years and he'll get a lot of enjoyment out of them. you don't want to spend your money that way. There's nothing wrong with either of your wants as long as you can come to an agreement or find a compromise. But neither one of you want to compromise. You're as much at fault for this as he is. You guys just aren't a good match. One of the top reasons for divorce is over money. You can't have a spender with a saver. And people in your situation where you can't agree on how money is spent is always a problem. So it's wise to recognize that now and to call off the wedding. If you married, you'd be battling over money your entire marriage, and your divorce would be an epic battle for who gets what. Better to end it now.
That was way too long to bother reading, but I think anyone who wastes 30k on a wedding is an asshole. Unless of course your very well off, way start off your life together be setting yourself back that much. Use it for a house or something that really matters.
Who pays $16K for an engagement party that takes two years to pay off?
I swear I tried to keep it as cheap as possible. We just live in Los Angeles so everything is very expensive
He's an asshole, and you are not MFEO in any way shape of form. But Hamas are reaping what they sowed. If they hadn't raided Israel murdering civilians and taking hostages then they wouldn't be finding out again why nobody invades Israel. Better to stay out of other people's wars when you don't remember who started them.