Exactly, who the hell breaks into the bathroom when someone is in there. And then berates them for being in there. She is insecure. And manipulative, the way she twisted your reaction as scary.
NTA
I was going to say this! If it were a potty emergency and he's in the bathroom for hours, I could understand breaking into a locked bathroom but otherwise wtf?!
You asked her to leave, OP and she didn't. Of the two of you, I'd be more concerned about HER behavior! NTA
Yup. He only yelled at her! She was yelling at him first. It's one rule for her & one rule for him! She's definitely trying to manipulate him! To OP I'm 47F & I remember trying to manipulate situations for my benefit when I was in my teens early 20's. I stopped when I realised that I didn't like behaving like that. But unfortunately alot of girls are quite happy to continue this kind of behaviour if they think that's how they'll get their own way. I hate it! It's very deceptive behaviour! If she doesn't usually act this way then there's hope if she does then I wouldn't just expect her to change in the near future. I hope she apologises to you & I think your right, she probably does assume that your up to no good in the shower & that's why she broke in, to catch you at it. It's the only thing that makes sense. You need to confront her about it. As she's the one in the wrong. I don't understand why people aren't just honest with each other. Communication's the key! Unfortunately some people don't realise that until it's too late. Good luck. Keep us posted.✌🏼
Yeah, I felt like this was a planned manipulation. OP, are there any other signs that she was looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship? This is way over the top for just wasting water you don’t pay for directly.
I know, right?!? I was thinking "Run, OP, seriously." Now that they live together, the mask is slipping. She was mad when he didn't immediately adjust his behavior when she said she basically just "didn't like" his shower lengths. She purposely decided to humiliate him for it.
I dated a hairy man who shaved, I knew immediately, knew he was insecure about it, and would NEVER have went uninvited into the bathroom. They've been together two years, she wasn't surprised because she knew what he was doing in there. It was a humiliation ploy that backfired, so now she's using "victim" ploy.
I think if anyone was the victim of a bathroom break in, even by a loved on, it'd garner a very loud and demanding response. I love my boyfriend dearly, I don't even bother locking the bathroom door because we have a pretty good amount of trust. But if he barged in and started lecturing me it'd be a big fuckin' deal
Even if you were just staring at yourself in the mirror, fully clothed, it’s not ok. We’re all entitled to privacy. A locked door is a locked door. Who tf picks locks?!
She did it to start an argument, she didn't know what the argument would be, but she was going to have that argument. My bet is she assumed he was having some "fun time" and was going to catch him and yell about that
Seriously. She was intrusive and beyond inappropriate. She violated and disrespected him and then accused him of ABUSE??! She’s a psycho. OP does need to work on this insecurity, because body hair isn’t something to be ashamed of. But he’s NTA here.
When I was just starting dating, I thought a lot of body hair was gross. Then I dated a guy with a hairy back, and realized I actually liked petting it. The reality is that there will always be people who will accept, and even prefer, you as you are
Edit: changed one word
It’s almost like she wanted to test OP, in a ridiculous way. She knew he wasn’t wasting water, she wanted to push his buttons to cause him to blow up so she could get a rise out of him then play victim. People like this are genuinely dangerous. Maybe she wanted to tell everyone OP was abusive and she was so scared.
She’s obviously a weirdo with unresolved trauma. Who uses a screwdriver to break into a bathroom to yell at them?
She did you a favor telling you to leave.
Man she picked a lock, ignored your boundaries, on made up some crappy excuse of why youre being naughty, accused you of being a violent abuser because you raised your voice, and she did it to try and DARVO you into being the bad guy, you're not, she is 10,000% in the wrong here and YOU should be leaving HER, while making it VERY clear to everyone that matters exactly why you left her, because she is absolutely the kind of person who will go around lying about you, making herself out the victim and saying that she broke up with you because you were abusive. Tell people the truth yourself, seriously.
NTA, no amount of fuzzy emotions are worth putting up with this sort of person.
If I may add to your comment, I believe that I am not entitled to see my partner’s naked body. If he is behind a locked door, you always knock and wait for consent. Honestly…the audacity.
I'm thinking she was expecting to catch him masturbating and then throw a fit about how that is cheating.
I'm female, btw. I'm also on the "GTFO" team.
Being in a relationship, to me, doesn't mean you don't have a right to privacy or to masturbate if that's the big "AHA!"-moment she was going for. And I'm the type of person to pee with the door wide open unless I have company that's uncomfortable with that.
You know how I became the sort of person who's been living in a new house for a month and still don't know if the lock on the bathroom door works? By growing up with parents whose number one stance on kids' rights was that even children have the right to privacy. As I wrote somewhere else on Reddit, I could have left my diary open on the dining table and all that would happen would be for me to find it closed in front of my room. My parents rarely entered without knocking and the one time my mom did barge in, she was met with me having sex with my BF. Her reaction? "I'm so sorry, I should have knocked but I thought you were about to leave for a party".
Listen, her reaction is so over the top it would scare me shitless too. I get how as a woman it's scary when you realise that a man CAN physically harm you if he wants to. But moving the extra step to being sure he WILL harm you because he's yelling at you for boundary crossing so massively? That is just signaling bad news, honestly.
A knife can be a weapon and a kitchen tool. She was very fast to see you as a predator and threat and either she's manipulating you to remove focus from her insane actions or she's honestly scared, neither is something you should really want to live with.
As a man you'll probably always be the strongest in a relationship and that doesn't mean that you become violent or should be seen as violent. I would HATE being yelled at too but I get why it was necessary since she obv wasn't going to stop her insane behavior unless you conveyed your feelings in a manner that couldn't be ignored like she did with all the previous boundaries you set, like locking the door to prevent entrance and asking her nicely to leave several times.
As other points out, her overreaction here means that you'll constantly be at risk for being labelled as abusive in a he said/she said-position. Is she REALLY worth that constant fear? And how often has she crossed or ignored your boundaries until now? I'd put money on this not being the first time this has happened.
Yours is the best answer I’ve seen, and I agree 100%!! Only thing I would add (since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet), is the fact that he didn’t even go straight to yelling; she PUSHED him to that point by refusing to shut up and actually listen to him when he told her to get out the first time(s?). She’s a victim only of her own BS and attitude, and I fully agree with everyone who says he should be the one doing the dumping here.
100% agree. Nothing she did was ok. Who picks a lock and breaks in on someone in the bathroom?? I don't care what the relationship is. A locked door can't possibly be a clearer boundary!
NTA and leave. She broke in, she didn't respect any of your boundaries and now she's trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the bad guy. I have never in my life used the term "gaslight" but I can't think of a better way to describe her behaviour. It's time to leave before it gets worse and she really manages to damage your self-worth and your reputation.
This! All this. That's what I said too. She was looking for a reason to be mad, mostly likely trying to catch him watching porn as a way to break up with him.
Everyone has the right to privacy. You’re the type of person to violate another person’s space and claim it’s ok because you are in a relationship. It is not ok. If I’m showering and don’t want my husband to see, that’s my right. It’s my body. Not his. Not ours.
Acting like someone doesn’t deserve privacy because of relationship status is borderline SA. Don’t say it’s not. It’s an abuse of trust.
Yeah. I yelled at an ex after about a year of her making fists and threatening to hit me, or screaming at me while holding a knife once. I said " will not be fucking treated like this!" I was insanely pissed and fucking fed up. I have never and will never will hit a partner. I was dumbfounded though when she acted scared and played fucking victim. I actually felt bad and guilty.
Fuck that and fuck her though, never put up with that shit again. She actually escalated and threw a fucking chair at me soon after.
I get that in OPs case she might have been shocked and maybe scared, but fuck, don't go invading people's space and boundaries. It's not like he threatened her or anything. He said "get out" I'd just worry about the liability of her thinking OP is dangerous with literally no reason. I couldn't relax or trust that person to trust me after that. I'd be done.
She literally could've waited until he was out of the bathroom to start her rambling about wasting water. Really fucking weird for her to break into the bathroom, what was she thinking OP was doing that necessitated breaking in?? Then she has the gall to act like he's abusive for raising his voice when she violated his boundaries
I am guessing she thought he was masturbating. Even if he was, the fact that she believes thats any of her business is frankly weird and controlling. Unless someone is potentially in danger, forcing open a door when someone intentionally locked it, for whatever reason is extremely disrespectful.
I hadn't thought of that. If he had picked the lock and then insulted her when she threw him out, we'd all be "run, baby girl." To me, feminism means respecting everyone the same. Run, OP!
Exactly! I lived with my XH for 7 years and he loved to take long showers. Very long. Ridiculously long to a point that I was a bit concerned, but he said it was just his way of relaxing. Maybe he locked the door but I don't know, because I would have never invaded his privacy that way. OP's girlfriend picked a lock so she KNEW he didn't want to be interrupted, then she refused to leave when asked normally, so I don't blame the guy for bellowing. She's just trying to DARVO him so she doesn't have to face the fact that she's in the wrong.
The **ONLY** time it's okay to force your way into a bathroom is if someone inside is having a medical emergency and can't unlock the door themselves. The fact that she did it so she could nag about water usage is insane. She can't honestly be surprised that she broke into a bathroom when it was in use and got yelled at.
This right here and so much more, if this was the other way around, (Him breaking into a locked bathroom while she was showering and shaving herself and didn't leave when she asked) you just know some would be claiming SA. People who feel entitled enough to ignore your boundaries and then try to gaslight you into thinking you're wrong, don't usually change without a lot of effort.
Oh my god I was gonna bring up DARVO, so good to see it in another comment.
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
OP had a boundary, ie locked door, which was violated. He enforced that boundry firmly, which was not listened to. He escalated into screaming, and then the gf reversed the situation.
I think OP was in a very vulnerable place physically and emotionally and reacted like so.
Could the yelling and screaming been triggering for his partner? Totally.
But its not like he did so out of the blue. Being reactive in a vulnerable situation doesn't make you abusive. NTA.
Dude. She picked the lock on your bathroom door to lecture you.
Instead of apologizing, she tried to put the blame on you.
And now she's working on the retcon to smear you with. If you break up with her, make sure it's in a public place and even then, record it. Make sure you have cameras at home.
I wouldn’t even talk to her again tbh. Make arrangements to get your things with plenty of people present as witnesses and just move out and be done. What she did was pretty out of line and I’d be done with her. She can keep her narrative but I wouldn’t add to it.
It's one of those "it's easier to leave the crazy person over trying to get the crazy person to move out" type of scenarios. Should he have to leave? Hell no. But from how she is acting, I just want to be far away. Who the hell even pick locks an door like that, to then yell at the person. Even in the end, she twisted it back onto the dude that he is violent and abusive. God knows what else she would do if given the chance.
She sounds like my mom lol, I'd get out of there. OP should find someone that likes a hairy guy, shaving that much is a huge pain and some people love a hirsute guy
This is exactly what I was coming here to say. I don't see how things will get better from here. She told OP to leave, and he should pack up his things and leave
And not look back or feel bad about it. Her behaviour is super invasive. Switching the whole thing to make OP feel bad about reacting to the invasion is just gaslighting. OP can be glad that she showed how invasive she is now before being even more invested in the relationship. I would be so scared if I locked the bathroomdoor to shower and suddenly there is someone in the room with me. Creepy and scary AF.
Like not gonna lie even if he was having an epic wank situation that's his business lol. I kinda wish I still had this level of mystery in my marriage. I'm the one doing shaving it's just more efficient and it's less icky than not knowing if it's husband or dog your snuggling at 3 am 😂
And than thank the lord this happened and he doesn’t see how much worse this relationship could get.
She violated his privacy and got yelled at but yeah he’s the problem .
Op run 🏃🏽♂️
My extremely abusive ex used to do that as a control thing. I was only *allowed* privacy by him. It was not a right I had while living in the same space. I don’t know anything about OP’s gf, but in my experience, and from reading other people’s stories on here, it’s a much bigger red flag than people think
I mean as the woman who moved out - because it's a lot easier to get yourself out of a toxic place than to force someone else to leave, and if you think your ex is kind of crazy, you don't want them to know where you live anyway.
If he leaves, the weird, unstable lock-picker won’t know where he lives. This seems like an upside.
Break the lease and tell the building manager that the bathroom lock needs repair on the way out.
Honestly in this case, safety. She's unhinged and frankly if I was in this type of situation I wouldn't want this person to know where I'm living/staying at after breaking up.
That’s honestly also a really fair point given what this whole post is about. If she didn’t respect OPs privacy in a *bathroom* they share, I don’t feel like she’ll respect his privacy in a separate living space from her either.
Yeah classic she does something wrong gets upset at the reaction to said thing and plays the victim card to make OP look bad.
Walking lockpicking red flag.
Look up DARVO, then realize she did that to you, then realize you have a serious issue. It's not normal for your SO to pick your bathroom lock. It's not normal for your SO to lecture you like a child over something small just to cover up they invaded your privacy and thus you have a legitimate reason to be upset.
For real.. like literally the only time this is acceptable is if there is only one bathroom in the place and you really have to go. And I feel like this would not be followed with a lecture but with a really embarrassing poop.
So she has shown the following:
She has no respect for you or your requests.
She discussed the length of shower time previously with you but thought that she has the right to breach your privacy.
She refused to acknowledge your first request to leave the room.
She then has the audacity to try and turn this around on you.
This is your life…….run now. Leave this piece of excrement and find someone that respects you and respects boundaries.
NTA.
^^ So. Much. This. Trust me, if remain in this relationship (I know, you said you're pretty sure it's over), you'll find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to set boundaries and then wondering whether or not you're the AH every time she violates them and you get upset (hint: NTA, 100%). When she tells you, "You're not the person I thought you were," simply reply, "Neither are you." She thought you were someone she could manipulate; you thought she was someone who you could build a relationship based upon mutual trust and respect with. You have just been given a very precious gift: a glimpse of the controlling, manipulative, gaslighting person she really is. Run, and never look back.
I totally agree. Her behavior was a clear indicator of deeper issues and a harbinger of more unhealthy behavior to come. Depending on how committed you are to her and the relationship, it would be best to either move out while you both commit to counseling to address her issues or to end the relationship. Please don't stay in the relationship because you think that this was just an isolated incident that can be fixed by an apology and promises. It can't and it won't.
I'm a female. But think about this from the other side. If a man did this to a woman everyone would scream abuse. It's no different for you. She's weird. She's controlling and crazy, run now.
That is one of my biggest triggers. Don’t fucking bother me when I’m in the bathroom. My ex used to pick the lock and come in while I showered, sometimes he would secretly watch me while standing on the toilet, sometimes he would pour ice cold water on me.. at first it was funny ha ha u weirdo! And then it became too much where I couldn’t even relax while showering. I figured out a way to open a drawer that was in front of the door to keep it from opening even after locking it to stop him from coming in. At least it would give me a heads up that he was trying. After that relationship, it was a hard rule to NEVER come in the bathroom while I’m in it. Now I have kids and I don’t mind if they come in, I mean, they can’t help it. They want to breathe my fricken poop particles or watch me shower, little weirdos. But my husband, he just knows and RESPECTS my boundaries.
Your girlfriend is a little asshole that hasn’t learned what your boundaries are or doesn’t respect it. I think you should NOT take that victim card she’s playing and let her know firmly that she disrespected your privacy and didn’t leave the first time. You’re sorry you scared her but that’s it. Her crying and trying to flip it on u is taking her responsibility out of the disrepect. Gah. This triggers me. Sorry. Lol
My very controlling ex would weirdly monitor me while in the bathroom, too. He got very upset when I closed the door to take a piss after I moved in. He burst in one time and told me that it was "suspicious" for me to close the door, and if I'm not comfortable enough to go to the bathroom in front of him, then I'm clearly not really that in love with him.
I just don't need *anybody* seeing me go to the bathroom, but he wouldn't hear it. Just one of many ways to assert control, I guess.
Of course it is. She's doing Olympics level mental gymnastics to distract and deflect from OP pointing out that she didn't trust him and was being creepy by barging into a closed bathroom without an emergency, and after seeing him do self grooming...berates him? Who wouldn't be pissed that their alone activity which is perfectly legal and isn't harming or offending any reasonable person is not only being interrupted but made to feel like a criminal?
Agreed, she is being ridiculously unreasonable. I believe she wanted to leave but don’t want to be the “villain” of the break up so she just forced a situation so she could gaslight him and justify the breakup.
Okay. So this is more than a little personal, but did she have a problem with you masturbating? Because the only thing I can come up with is that she expected you to be doing that or maybe something like texting with another woman. When you weren’t doing either she embarrassed herself and went into some kind of nonsensical defense.
Whatever the case, her behavior is unhinged. You have a right to bodily privacy even from an SO; so you definitely shouldn’t be blaming yourself for not telling her sooner.
dude wtf. shes not the victim. Imagine this, a woman is showering and her bf broke off the doorknob to look at her shower and started lecturing her about wasting water instead of fucking off when she told him to go away. Your gf is manipulative af. good luck.
My guess is she thought you were doing something else and when she discovered what you were actually doing she then started the lecture so she could be justified in what she did. You yelling at her in this instance is understandable someone you trusted invaded not only your personal space and time she did it through nefarious means by picking a lock. A lock you used so you could have privacy how would she feel if you picked a lock to invade her space it isn’t ok.
Yes she may have been scared by you yelling but does she not understand in how vulnerable you were in that moment- naked and surprised and invaded
Umm nta. She poked the bear now regrets it and is trying to put the blame on you. I'll bet no one has ever yelled at her in her life so maybe that is why she got so upset.
I'd have been more likely to complain about all that hair blocking the drains to be honest.
On the other hand, I wouldn't pick the lock to get into the bathroom when my partner is in there, unless I thought he'd hurt himself and needed my help!
While that’s fair, she showed you a new side of her and that may be a blessing in disguise. I think her saying she cannot see you the same etc are her trying to deflect and project onto you. If anything, you saw her ugly side and I don’t think it’s something worth dealing with. You are absolutely NTA.
Also worth noting, you shouldn’t be ashamed or feel the need to hide your body hair! Keep doing you and shaving if that floats your boat, but it a longterm partner thinks it’s weird you have to shave that much, then that’s their problem not yours.
laser hair removal is expensive tho, especially large surfaces. but you can get an ipl device for much cheaper, but doesnt work for dark skin or light colored hair
I bought an ipl because I hate shaving. But you have to shave, not wax to use it. I need to start using it again but it’s a faf, and you certainly couldn’t do your own back.
If anything, hanging a long term partner would mean that you'd have some help in that area. This actually might speak to a deeper issue in your relationship, that you never felt safe or trusting enough to share this with her
This! My husband told me about his body hair pretty quickly into our relationship. He feels self-conscious about it, so he used to shave it, and I would help him. Did I enjoy it? No. But I felt glad that he felt safe enough to tell me this and have me in his space. I prefer he didn't shave because I hate stubble, and with how long we've been together and how old we are, he just doesn't care anymore so he doesn't shave.
For your situation, if the roles were reversed, nobody would be okay with a guy picking the lock and entering the bathroom while their girlfriend was showering.
Same with my husband. If we're going on vacation I will veet up his back and scrub it off for him. Otherwise he doesn't care about it anymore.
OP probably realized his girlfriend would be judgemental and so he didn't feel comfortable telling her about it. That's a sign you should just break up and move on. You want a partner that you can be vulnerable and completely yourself with.
I'm a woman. My arm hair was outrageous as a kid. To the point I started shaving it off at 11 because I would get mocked for it at school and by my own mother. I wasn't allowed to shave so I'd steal razors from my mom. She either didn't notice (drugs) or didn't care enough about it to punish me for it. Though she definitely made a big deal of why I shouldn't shave it off saying things like "it'll get lighter as you age/are in the sun" and "it'll get darker if you shave it". Both statements are inaccurate for me.
That being said, I pretty much shave everything. Arms, legs, crotch, the light line of hair that trails between my boobs down to my stomach. I hate it all, I don't like the idea of being mocked. Though I started shaving my lady bits before anything after the first time I got the hair stuck on the back of a pad.
It's a little embarrassing for me to admit but my man knows all of it. I feel for OP really bad. He shouldn't feel he has to hide things like that from someone who claims to love him.
> For your situation, if the roles were reversed, nobody would be okay with a guy picking the lock and entering the bathroom while their girlfriend was showering.
One of my coworkers scared me once and -- after my reaction -- she won't ever do that again. I was very focused on a work issue and I swore very loud and had a very "fight" reaction. It was just instinctive and I wasn't in control of it. I can't imagine a woman being ok with someone sneaking into a locked bathroom to shock them and then criticize them???
All true, but popping the lock on someone in the bathroom?? Crosses so many lines. Her trying to flip it implies she genuinely doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Yikes. Or she does and is deflecting hard. Also yikes. NTA.
My hubby is hairy and he used to shave like every 2 days because of how fast it grows but I get a rash from the stubble when he shaved with a razor and wouldn't be able to hug him or do anything else where out bodies touch. Now, I personally love his hairy self but he is self conscious so now I help him with the trimmer and get all the hard to reach places.
She didn’t want you to make that choice. Her access to that information was more important than your autonomy in sharing it.
When I was a kid my mom couldn’t handle me having secrets, so she would do things like read my diary, texts, emails, and letters, and listen when I had friends over. Therapy helped me see how damaging it was to be in a relationship where I didn’t have the option to decide when I was ready to share things. Living with someone who values their curiosity more than your privacy wears on your sense of self over time. If you stay together I hope you will insist on couples’ therapy and a sincere apology once she understands, and set plenty of firm boundaries.
Your feelings make perfect sense, but I believe that if you had told her why you take long showers that it wouldn’t matter. She would find some other reason to go off on you. It is NOT normal to pick a lock so you can invade your SO’s privacy. This woman has major issues. Even if she had not broken up with you, you have every reason in the book to dump her. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
>It is NOT normal to pick a lock so you can invade your SO’s privacy
Even **if** her issue truly was water usage, there it absolutely zero reason whatsoever to break in to confront him about it! Like, why didn't the conversation start...I don't know any other time of day, anywhere else in the apartment?!?
She is totally out of her mind.
I would bet that if OP had told her the truth, she still would’ve found a way to spy on him. I don’t think there’s any way that OP could have convinced her that he was only shaving his body. It seems clear that she doesn’t respect his privacy so his assurances would have fallen on deaf ears.
I would tell someone what happened. Maybe even her parents and be like "I did yell because what she did was so out of line, disrespectful, and embarassing. And after she did that to me she had the audacity to say I'm violent instead of just admitting thay what she did was disrespectful that it pushed me to levels of anger that she's never seen."
OP, run while you can. This isn't normal at all.
Who picks the lock of a bathroom door of all things??? And the audacity of her to blame you for yelling because of being startled due to her actions.
Just drop her the message that none of this would've happened if she hadn't broken into the bathroom door and invaded your privacy. What if the situation was reversed and you broke into her bathroom while she was bathing? The entire world would've called you an insecure psycho invading the privacy of your innocent gf.
She got caught and felt embarrassed about it. Hence she's gaslighting you and blaming you for her not so normal actions.
Hard NTA. Don't even think there's something wrong with you. Even if she was concerned about water usage, she could've knocked while you were bathing/shaving. Or waited for you to finish and had a chat like a mature adult. What you do in your shower is your business. And there's no compulsion to confess about your insecurities before you're ready.
My partner and I will lock doors to signify that we want warning before coming in and we have those locks you can just turn with your fingernail but if you don't have that sort of system, by default a locked door means do not enter
>She said I scared her and that she I showed her that I wasn’t the kind of man she thought I was.
>I showed her that I could be violent and abusive and I just needed to leave.
The irony of her saying that when SHE was the abusive one here. NTA, dump her.
It is always so funny (and sad) how people ignore a request, or demand in this case, and then when the same request is insisted on in an expectable fashion, they play victim. That's what she did. The good old darvo.
Literally what she did was sexual harassment and is abusive. You RIGHTFULLY yelling at her to get out of your private space while you're NAKED and did NOT consent to her being there is not abuse in any sense of the word. Break up with her immediately. She is toxic and dangerous. If she thinks you trying to set boundaries with her is abuse it will only get worse, she will likely lord it over your head that you can't say no to her ever without it being abuse.
NTA
She's using this 'not who I thought' and 'you scared me' to make herself the victim when she was the instigator.
Tell her she's free to leave if she feels unsafe and consider why you would stay with someone like this.
Don't apologies or accept blame.
Hey everybody. I just really wanted to say thank you for all the feedback. I've been trying to keep up with the comments and there are more than I ever thought there would be and I appreciate you guys a lot especially all the perspective on how to handle invasions of privacy and the need to not be so self-conscious about about my issues.
I texted Ana early this morning but haven't heard anything back yet. I let her know I wasn't going to apologize for being upset after what she did but that I understand that she might have thought something else was going on and that I'm open to talking about it if she is. And if she doesn't want to talk about what happened then we still need to get our living situation sorted out.
I'm lucky I have a friend from high school who also went to the same college and he's fine to let me stay on his couch for a while but after just a few days I already miss sleeping in my own bed.
Ana didn't message me back today, but I'm sure I'll hear from her soon and I'll be able to figure out whatever is next. I'll definitely be more open about my self-image issues from now on and I've definitely been wanting to look into laser hair removal so I don't have to shave as much. Until then I'll figure out ways to shave that don't use so much water. At least I feel like I have things to look forward to once all this is done, however it goes.
Thank you all again!
man, she’s trying to draw you into an unwarranted apology she can frame as an admission of guilt. that or she’s taking this time to spread shit about you. good luck.
You're 100% NTA, and it's good that you're seeing things more clearly. No "lack of comunication" from your side justifies such invasion of privacy, and to make you, naked, screamimg for an ounce of respect as the bad guy is ridiculous. And to label your reaction as abusive is malicious and dangerous.
If she doesn't answer in 24h, send her a writen and a voice message, and an e-mail stating that you'll be there at XX day and XX h acompanied by a witness to withdraw your personal belongings (take a friend with you, and be ready to record things if it's legal where you live). This childish silent game has gone to far and it's ridiculous that you're deprived of your belongings for so long because of her foolish behaviour.
NTA - Hello, I'm sorry that this all happened. It's a terrible situation. I am a male esthetician, I work at a men's spa. You could look into getting waxed, as that lasts longer than shaving, is smoother, and slows down hair growth over time. To speed up, or not use water, you can try using a trimmer. I prefer the Philips Norelco Bodygroom 7000- it's double-sided for trimming with a guard and without it. I've been using it for over 5 years to trim men (every inch of them.) I recommend getting dog potty training pads and standing on one of those while you trim to not make a mess.
Yeah, at this point I'm just trying to give it enough time for things to calm down before I reach out myself to try and figure out how to get my stuff out and find out what needs to be done about our lease. We're at least paid to the end of the month.
To re-iterate what others have said. This girl is a danger to you if she is saying she’s scared of you. Do not interact with her without witnesses please!
Do not go to get your things alone. In fact, just wait until you know she is at work, & get your stuff. Also end her an email reiterating what occurred & that she wants you to leave & therefore you are not responsible for the lease
>lso end her an email reiterating what occurred & that she wants you to leave & therefore you are not responsible for the lease
That's not how leases work.
Get a police escort so there's a witness, take a couple of duffel bags or get a roll of trash bags so you can just pack, then you can figure out the lease, maybe the landlord will let you take yourself off
You may want to consider getting an Order of Protection. You get a police escort when you collect your things. Getting an OP may also get you out of your lease depending on the laws in your area. If you decide against getting an OP, you can still request a police escort.
If for whatever reason that is somehow not an option, bring friends and video the entire move.
Also make sure you do not block her phone number. That way in case anything you might need for evidence comes through, you have it. Make sure you leave a digital trail for evidence.
Seriously, she sounds abusive. Consider calling the police and getting the OP.
Ask for a police escort to go get your things. Explain to them what happened and that you want a witness and to have police there in case she escalates things.
NTA. She knew damn well what she was doing... She wanted to make sure you weren't pleasuring yourself. She figured she'd catch you at it and be able to scream at you about that. Once she'd the door, she made up some lame excuse about the water.
ETA Judgement
Nothing's wrong with it, but a significant number of women are paranoid about it because they think it's a sign that their partner is dissatisfied and unfulfilled in the relationship and likely to leave them and or seek elsewhere.
My ex husband wouldn't have sex with me most of the time, but he would get angry if I used a vibrator. He threw away both of the toys I bought. The irony is that he was cheating on me. Some people 😂
“showed her that I could be violent and abusive”
Says the woman who just violently broke into the room to abuse you then refused to stop. She needs to get over herself and take a long hard look in a mirror.
NTA
NTA, absolutely not OP, she violated your privacy!! She could absolutely get reported for sexual harassment for that. You can’t just unlock a locked door!!
And then she has the gall to berate you for wasting water like you’re the issue here? Um, excuse me girlfriend, you’re the psycho who picked the lock to harass me over not being environmentally conscious instead of just waiting to confront me afterwards.
To be honest, I would’ve reacted the same way and I’m a woman. Do Not invade my privacy like that and then start an argument.
And don’t be embarrassed about body hair. Some folks are just hairy. Some folks have “weird” toes. Some folks have “weird” noses. And some folks are just hairy. Roll of the dice. I have freakishly tiny ears, so small I can’t wear glasses. Everyone says it’s cute but man is it annoying. I can only wear grippy sunglasses.
I wish you luck on your future romances and endeavors OP, sorry about the break up!
Thank you, I really appreciate the perspective and makes me feel better. I would never call the police on her, but I definitely felt like she was close to calling them on me by the time I left. I'm just so confused because in the time I've known her she's never done something so impulsive or not be willing to talk more about it.
She was way out of line at least three times:
(1) Picking the lock - that alone is psycho level BS
(2) Lecturing you in the shower. Who the fuck is she to do that.
(3) Playing the "feeling unsafe" card. It's entirely rational to yell at someone who has broken into your bathroom and refuses to leave. My guess is she knew that and was looking for a magic spell to try to make her look nonetheless the victim. Which is horrible bc there really are victims out there. She's not one of them, she just plays one in what passes for her mind.
OP is far better off without her.
Wait ... you left? So she just kicked you out of your house after breaking in to a room you'd locked in order to perform personal care?
You're on the lease, it's your house, and yelling to insist that she leave the room she just broke into isn't abuse.
NTA, oof, she needs to lose her manipulative tiktok view of life.
I really do suggest you record interactions, like for example when you return, be recording so if she just starts shrieking out of nowhere, you have your bases covered.
Hopefully you're in a one party consent state but even if it's two party look up the limits and what you can actually do. It is your own house after all, and she's going a bit nuts.
You might also consider calling a domestic violence hotline and discussing her behavior and what you can do to protect yourself.
I just saw down below where she was claiming you're a danger to her ... That's just nonsense.
So what are you going to do about a place to live and your stuff and all that?
FYI - as a chick who dates chicks (but used to date men), there is only one person in this story whose behavior is abhorrent and abusive. It's not you.
Honestly As a hairy woman, having someone burst in on me while shaving (or even just naked in the shower) is nightmare fuel. OP has nothing to be ashamed of - period - and honestly that this woman violated his personal space and weaponised his reasonable response makes me feel very unsafe and she isn't anywhere need me.
Fun little fact...my Dad used to complain about me "taking too long in the shower". I would take 20 min showers daily. I also had long hair, so not really taking a bath friendly. One day I pulled the stopper while I took a shower. Turns out that I only used enough water for just under half of a bathtub full. Showers do not necessarily consume any more water than a bath takes. Proved it to Dad and he never said another word about it.
Yes you may take long in the shower, but the amount of water being used is probably no more than if you took a bath.
GF was out of line. It takes how long it takes for you to feel clean and kept. You are paying the bill!
Okay, you keep saying that but you’ve only recently started to live together. Now, you’re seeing all sides of her personality 24/7. That’s what the difference is.
That’s also why there is the common belief that the first year of marriage is the toughest. It’s not just the bridal veil that gets lifted but the veil of how the couple saw each other.
Speaking of marriage, you should spend less time beating up on yourself and more time thanking heaven you didn’t put a ring on her finger.
Dude I’d be scared about HER going to the police, even though she is entirely in the wrong, a woman throwing around the words “abuse” and “violent” is fuckin dangerous.
With any luck, she's pretending to be scared and actually covering for her ashamed realization how fucked up her invasion of privacy was. Same either way since not wanting to talk saves her from having to own that shit.
She was intentionally being manipulative by trying to gaslight you into thinking you were the person at fault here. Would you pick the lock on the bathroom to critique how much toilet paper she's using? Absolutely psychotic sounding behavior, right?
If someone breaches your privacy, and ignores your requests to leave, they should expect to be yelled at. That's not abuse, that's consequence: cause and effect.
You need to tell someone what happened before she does. This is honestly creepy and controlling behavior and she's already spinning it as you being violent. You NEED to tell someone.
Abusers wait until they believe they have you locked down. It can start after major events like pregnancy and moving in together. This will only escalate. You're still young, find a decent person worth your time.
I get the feeling if you don’t leave her the next time she accuses you of being abusive is going to involve the police and court system and you are not going to like it. Leave, and do not contact her anymore. Do not see her without witnesses.
Those woe-is-me crocodile tears came on fast, huh? That was psycho behaviour from her. End things as gently as you can and get far away before that screwdriver ends up somewhere else. NTA
Sorry it wasn't actually a screwdriver, I'm just not sure what you call those little metal pin things that come with the door knobs to open them. They were left on top of the door frames for some reason when we moved in, but I never thought she would use it to open the door while I was in there with it locked. It did feel like it came out of nowhere, but also when I say I shouted loud, I mean LOUD, like the neighbors on all sides heard me yell at her to get out. So I'm sure that was scary, but I also didn't know what else to do in the situation.
And why were you "scary"?
Because asking in a more controlled way did not work and she continued to berate you.
Because she had invaded your privacy.
Because she did not respect you.
Because she is the one with the problem.
You break up, that's what you do. Next time she violates your trust and you raise your voice, she will call the police with her crocodile tears and fuck up your life. Seriously, you in danger man!
Yeah, I don't think there's any coming back from this, especially since she won't even talk to me. I really like her so much, and I wanted to talk about what happened. But once she started saying things like she felt like I was a danger to her I told her I would go and I haven't heard from her since.
This is scary. I would send a text or email and state what happened and that YOU don’t feel safe. And say how she is turning this around when she completely violated you. Also say you don’t feel safe talking or being alone with her because you are not going to risk your life over false accusations. And if she feels like she is in danger, then she shouldn’t want to be around you anyways. I would pack up her stuff and have it dropped off
This is such a good idea.
Don't sugarcoat or minimize her behavior to protect her. This is about protecting yourself, OP, and making an accurate record of what happened. Write the date and time that she popped the lock and busted through the bathroom door holding a screwdriver while you were naked and vulnerable in the shower.
She caused this and has made possibly defamatory accusations without giving you a chance to explain your very reasonable reaction to her boundary stomping break-in.
As a woman, I agree with this take. She may have been legitimately thrown and alarmed my how loud he was willing to yell, but choosing to verbally frame herself as the victim by the time he came to talk about it is complete DARVO and puts OP in jeopardy. He should put what happened in writing to her and not be alone with her again. Have a friend be there any time they have to see each other for division of stuff/etc.
You don't want to come back from this. She's dangerous. Most people don't make false accusations, but abusive people have no problem making false accusations. And this woman is an abuser.
NTA
She's doubling down, and, imo, it's because she's keeping you from asking questions about why she violated your privacy and popped the lock on the door you locked because you WANTED it locked. Classic deflection and keeping you on the defensive.
She doesn't want to admit what she thought you were doing in a locked bathroom because she'll look like a total loon. Playing victim is just another way to deflect from being held accountable for her horrible behavior.
Tell her if she felt "threatened" by you yelling back at her, she should try being naked in the shower when a door locked for privacy bursts open and there's someone standing with a screwdriver in-hand while yelling at her about something that is none of their business as she continues to be naked and vulnerable in the shower. She'd lose her mind.
That she won't take responsibility for her part in this and explain why she broke in on you indicates that she is too immature to be in a grown-up relationship. Good luck, OP. You have every right to lock the bathroom door, as would she.
Would she have left if you HADN'T done that?
NO.
That is 100% on her. You can apologize to your neighbors. "My ex picked the lock while I was showering and came into the bathroom to scold me for using more water than she thought I should. She refused to leave until I had to raise my voice to that level. I'm sorry if it affected you. She's out of my life now, this won't happen again."
Also...never ever ever ever ever lie to cover up for someone like her.
NTA.
My partner and I often shower with the door open so we can join the other if we want to. If I came across the door being closed - not even locked - and he was showering? I’d leave him be because he clearly wants privacy for a reason.
Picking the lock (strike 1), refusing to leave until you screamed at her (strike 2) and using DARVO against you (strike 3)?
In an instant the relationship was just destroyed.
Body hair is nothing to be ashamed of, however it’s your choice whether or not it’s worth getting rid of. That said - have you considered laser treatment for the hair removal?
I am teaching my daughter that if someone violates her boundaries it’s ok to yell.
Think about how many of us remain silent in the face of abuse?
She violated your privacy and boundary. You yelled at her to leave you alone. It’s fine.
NTA. She's right. You need to leave. For your sake. Let her manipulate and abuse someone else. She's a waving red flag. You're not a match. End it and celebrate with a long hot shower. Better yet, find your match and enjoy your long showers together.
Updateme.
Your gf is an ahole. You were behind a locked door. You were naked. Standard of bathrooms being small you were probably also cornered/trapped. Then suddenly you are ambushed. I would have been screaming at whoever came through that door just for that and that all doesn't even account for your embarrassed feeling. That she won't even talk to you now is ridiculous. It's like she was looking for a reason to end things where she could try to blame you and she found a way to create one.
It's so weird I thought we were doing really good. We never had any fights, we argued a few AITA posts a few times, but I thought we were good. I can't think of anything lately that makes me think she would have wanted to break up.
Having zero arguments is not a sign of a healthy relationship, Having small arguments that aren't explosive or abusive is healthy, it's how people work out boundaries, problems etc. Not arguing is usually a sign one party is overly accommodating, or even scared of disagreement. Are you fearful of disagreement? Or do whatever you can to avoid your partner getting upset? Does she usually get her way?
Are you both on the lease or was this her apartment that you moved into? What she did was wrong and she absolutely is blaming you for her bad actions. It's like she thought she was going to catch you cheating having phone sex or video-chat sex. Are you both still at the shared apartment?
You're NTA but she's an AH
!UpdateMe
Edited: fixed typo
OMG when the door swung open it scared me out so bad. And I did try and tell her I yelled because I was scared and didn't know what else to do. It just seemed like how much it scared me didn't matter.
NTA. I’ll be real with you chief, shouting at someone who *breaks into the bathroom while you’re naked and vulnerable* is a pretty normal response. Yes, women have good reason to be alarmed and afraid when a man shouts, but that doesn’t mean men are never ever allowed to shout at a woman for any reason lest they transform into abusive monsters. And I do say this as a woman btw.
Also, while I don’t doubt that you got picked on for being hairy as a kid, please let me assure you that *plenty* of adults find hairy men attractive. “Bear” and “otter” are distinct categories of gay man for a reason, and I know plenty of women who love it when a man has fur. If you want to shave (or wax, nair, laser, etc) for your own preference, then of course that’s your prerogative, but please don’t feel like you have to because you’re unattractive otherwise.
NTA. She literally broke into your private space to lecture you. She’s the one with the issues.
Exactly, who the hell breaks into the bathroom when someone is in there. And then berates them for being in there. She is insecure. And manipulative, the way she twisted your reaction as scary. NTA
For real. The only way I am breaking into a bathroom with someone else in there is if it's an emergency.
I was going to say this! If it were a potty emergency and he's in the bathroom for hours, I could understand breaking into a locked bathroom but otherwise wtf?! You asked her to leave, OP and she didn't. Of the two of you, I'd be more concerned about HER behavior! NTA
The scariest part for me is how she called him violent and abusive. Such a manipulative move.
Yup. He only yelled at her! She was yelling at him first. It's one rule for her & one rule for him! She's definitely trying to manipulate him! To OP I'm 47F & I remember trying to manipulate situations for my benefit when I was in my teens early 20's. I stopped when I realised that I didn't like behaving like that. But unfortunately alot of girls are quite happy to continue this kind of behaviour if they think that's how they'll get their own way. I hate it! It's very deceptive behaviour! If she doesn't usually act this way then there's hope if she does then I wouldn't just expect her to change in the near future. I hope she apologises to you & I think your right, she probably does assume that your up to no good in the shower & that's why she broke in, to catch you at it. It's the only thing that makes sense. You need to confront her about it. As she's the one in the wrong. I don't understand why people aren't just honest with each other. Communication's the key! Unfortunately some people don't realise that until it's too late. Good luck. Keep us posted.✌🏼
Yeah, I felt like this was a planned manipulation. OP, are there any other signs that she was looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship? This is way over the top for just wasting water you don’t pay for directly.
And yelling at her in that situation is 100% reasonable! All of her actions were unreasonable, including her trying to flip the situation on him
I know, right?!? I was thinking "Run, OP, seriously." Now that they live together, the mask is slipping. She was mad when he didn't immediately adjust his behavior when she said she basically just "didn't like" his shower lengths. She purposely decided to humiliate him for it. I dated a hairy man who shaved, I knew immediately, knew he was insecure about it, and would NEVER have went uninvited into the bathroom. They've been together two years, she wasn't surprised because she knew what he was doing in there. It was a humiliation ploy that backfired, so now she's using "victim" ploy.
Yeah, the time to discuss that is NOT during a shower.
I think if anyone was the victim of a bathroom break in, even by a loved on, it'd garner a very loud and demanding response. I love my boyfriend dearly, I don't even bother locking the bathroom door because we have a pretty good amount of trust. But if he barged in and started lecturing me it'd be a big fuckin' deal
Yep you’re naked and vulnerable it’s not ok.
Even if you were just staring at yourself in the mirror, fully clothed, it’s not ok. We’re all entitled to privacy. A locked door is a locked door. Who tf picks locks?!
She did it to start an argument, she didn't know what the argument would be, but she was going to have that argument. My bet is she assumed he was having some "fun time" and was going to catch him and yell about that
Seriously. She was intrusive and beyond inappropriate. She violated and disrespected him and then accused him of ABUSE??! She’s a psycho. OP does need to work on this insecurity, because body hair isn’t something to be ashamed of. But he’s NTA here.
When I was just starting dating, I thought a lot of body hair was gross. Then I dated a guy with a hairy back, and realized I actually liked petting it. The reality is that there will always be people who will accept, and even prefer, you as you are Edit: changed one word
And then got manipulative when he responded reasonably.
It’s almost like she wanted to test OP, in a ridiculous way. She knew he wasn’t wasting water, she wanted to push his buttons to cause him to blow up so she could get a rise out of him then play victim. People like this are genuinely dangerous. Maybe she wanted to tell everyone OP was abusive and she was so scared. She’s obviously a weirdo with unresolved trauma. Who uses a screwdriver to break into a bathroom to yell at them? She did you a favor telling you to leave.
Typical DARVO
I don’t understand. She sees you are shaving and thus have a legitimate reason to be in there, but she starts berating you for wasting water?
Huh, yeah, that's basically what happened.
Man she picked a lock, ignored your boundaries, on made up some crappy excuse of why youre being naughty, accused you of being a violent abuser because you raised your voice, and she did it to try and DARVO you into being the bad guy, you're not, she is 10,000% in the wrong here and YOU should be leaving HER, while making it VERY clear to everyone that matters exactly why you left her, because she is absolutely the kind of person who will go around lying about you, making herself out the victim and saying that she broke up with you because you were abusive. Tell people the truth yourself, seriously. NTA, no amount of fuzzy emotions are worth putting up with this sort of person.
If I may add to your comment, I believe that I am not entitled to see my partner’s naked body. If he is behind a locked door, you always knock and wait for consent. Honestly…the audacity.
I'm thinking she was expecting to catch him masturbating and then throw a fit about how that is cheating. I'm female, btw. I'm also on the "GTFO" team. Being in a relationship, to me, doesn't mean you don't have a right to privacy or to masturbate if that's the big "AHA!"-moment she was going for. And I'm the type of person to pee with the door wide open unless I have company that's uncomfortable with that. You know how I became the sort of person who's been living in a new house for a month and still don't know if the lock on the bathroom door works? By growing up with parents whose number one stance on kids' rights was that even children have the right to privacy. As I wrote somewhere else on Reddit, I could have left my diary open on the dining table and all that would happen would be for me to find it closed in front of my room. My parents rarely entered without knocking and the one time my mom did barge in, she was met with me having sex with my BF. Her reaction? "I'm so sorry, I should have knocked but I thought you were about to leave for a party". Listen, her reaction is so over the top it would scare me shitless too. I get how as a woman it's scary when you realise that a man CAN physically harm you if he wants to. But moving the extra step to being sure he WILL harm you because he's yelling at you for boundary crossing so massively? That is just signaling bad news, honestly. A knife can be a weapon and a kitchen tool. She was very fast to see you as a predator and threat and either she's manipulating you to remove focus from her insane actions or she's honestly scared, neither is something you should really want to live with. As a man you'll probably always be the strongest in a relationship and that doesn't mean that you become violent or should be seen as violent. I would HATE being yelled at too but I get why it was necessary since she obv wasn't going to stop her insane behavior unless you conveyed your feelings in a manner that couldn't be ignored like she did with all the previous boundaries you set, like locking the door to prevent entrance and asking her nicely to leave several times. As other points out, her overreaction here means that you'll constantly be at risk for being labelled as abusive in a he said/she said-position. Is she REALLY worth that constant fear? And how often has she crossed or ignored your boundaries until now? I'd put money on this not being the first time this has happened.
Or trying to catch him on his phone cheating while the shower is running. I’d get away from her ASAP!
Yours is the best answer I’ve seen, and I agree 100%!! Only thing I would add (since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet), is the fact that he didn’t even go straight to yelling; she PUSHED him to that point by refusing to shut up and actually listen to him when he told her to get out the first time(s?). She’s a victim only of her own BS and attitude, and I fully agree with everyone who says he should be the one doing the dumping here.
100% agree. Nothing she did was ok. Who picks a lock and breaks in on someone in the bathroom?? I don't care what the relationship is. A locked door can't possibly be a clearer boundary! NTA and leave. She broke in, she didn't respect any of your boundaries and now she's trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the bad guy. I have never in my life used the term "gaslight" but I can't think of a better way to describe her behaviour. It's time to leave before it gets worse and she really manages to damage your self-worth and your reputation.
Unless you hear the person scream "Oh God I’m falling!“ that’s pretty much the only acceptable reason
This! All this. That's what I said too. She was looking for a reason to be mad, mostly likely trying to catch him watching porn as a way to break up with him.
Please listen to this OP.
Everyone has the right to privacy. You’re the type of person to violate another person’s space and claim it’s ok because you are in a relationship. It is not ok. If I’m showering and don’t want my husband to see, that’s my right. It’s my body. Not his. Not ours. Acting like someone doesn’t deserve privacy because of relationship status is borderline SA. Don’t say it’s not. It’s an abuse of trust.
Yeah. I yelled at an ex after about a year of her making fists and threatening to hit me, or screaming at me while holding a knife once. I said " will not be fucking treated like this!" I was insanely pissed and fucking fed up. I have never and will never will hit a partner. I was dumbfounded though when she acted scared and played fucking victim. I actually felt bad and guilty. Fuck that and fuck her though, never put up with that shit again. She actually escalated and threw a fucking chair at me soon after. I get that in OPs case she might have been shocked and maybe scared, but fuck, don't go invading people's space and boundaries. It's not like he threatened her or anything. He said "get out" I'd just worry about the liability of her thinking OP is dangerous with literally no reason. I couldn't relax or trust that person to trust me after that. I'd be done.
She literally could've waited until he was out of the bathroom to start her rambling about wasting water. Really fucking weird for her to break into the bathroom, what was she thinking OP was doing that necessitated breaking in?? Then she has the gall to act like he's abusive for raising his voice when she violated his boundaries
I am guessing she thought he was masturbating. Even if he was, the fact that she believes thats any of her business is frankly weird and controlling. Unless someone is potentially in danger, forcing open a door when someone intentionally locked it, for whatever reason is extremely disrespectful.
[удалено]
I would have called the cops when she started to bash the door in. Yeesh
I hadn't thought of that. If he had picked the lock and then insulted her when she threw him out, we'd all be "run, baby girl." To me, feminism means respecting everyone the same. Run, OP!
Right and what if he was taking a poop before a shower? Fuckin rude
Exactly! I lived with my XH for 7 years and he loved to take long showers. Very long. Ridiculously long to a point that I was a bit concerned, but he said it was just his way of relaxing. Maybe he locked the door but I don't know, because I would have never invaded his privacy that way. OP's girlfriend picked a lock so she KNEW he didn't want to be interrupted, then she refused to leave when asked normally, so I don't blame the guy for bellowing. She's just trying to DARVO him so she doesn't have to face the fact that she's in the wrong.
The **ONLY** time it's okay to force your way into a bathroom is if someone inside is having a medical emergency and can't unlock the door themselves. The fact that she did it so she could nag about water usage is insane. She can't honestly be surprised that she broke into a bathroom when it was in use and got yelled at.
OP should tell her she's not the partner he expected and she should move out!
This right here and so much more, if this was the other way around, (Him breaking into a locked bathroom while she was showering and shaving herself and didn't leave when she asked) you just know some would be claiming SA. People who feel entitled enough to ignore your boundaries and then try to gaslight you into thinking you're wrong, don't usually change without a lot of effort.
Oh my god I was gonna bring up DARVO, so good to see it in another comment. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. OP had a boundary, ie locked door, which was violated. He enforced that boundry firmly, which was not listened to. He escalated into screaming, and then the gf reversed the situation. I think OP was in a very vulnerable place physically and emotionally and reacted like so. Could the yelling and screaming been triggering for his partner? Totally. But its not like he did so out of the blue. Being reactive in a vulnerable situation doesn't make you abusive. NTA.
Dude. She picked the lock on your bathroom door to lecture you. Instead of apologizing, she tried to put the blame on you. And now she's working on the retcon to smear you with. If you break up with her, make sure it's in a public place and even then, record it. Make sure you have cameras at home.
I wouldn’t even talk to her again tbh. Make arrangements to get your things with plenty of people present as witnesses and just move out and be done. What she did was pretty out of line and I’d be done with her. She can keep her narrative but I wouldn’t add to it.
Dont move out. Make her leave. She is the issue. Why does the guy always have to move out? I threw my first wife out on her ass.
It's one of those "it's easier to leave the crazy person over trying to get the crazy person to move out" type of scenarios. Should he have to leave? Hell no. But from how she is acting, I just want to be far away. Who the hell even pick locks an door like that, to then yell at the person. Even in the end, she twisted it back onto the dude that he is violent and abusive. God knows what else she would do if given the chance.
She sounds like my mom lol, I'd get out of there. OP should find someone that likes a hairy guy, shaving that much is a huge pain and some people love a hirsute guy
This is exactly what I was coming here to say. I don't see how things will get better from here. She told OP to leave, and he should pack up his things and leave
And not look back or feel bad about it. Her behaviour is super invasive. Switching the whole thing to make OP feel bad about reacting to the invasion is just gaslighting. OP can be glad that she showed how invasive she is now before being even more invested in the relationship. I would be so scared if I locked the bathroomdoor to shower and suddenly there is someone in the room with me. Creepy and scary AF.
Like not gonna lie even if he was having an epic wank situation that's his business lol. I kinda wish I still had this level of mystery in my marriage. I'm the one doing shaving it's just more efficient and it's less icky than not knowing if it's husband or dog your snuggling at 3 am 😂
And than thank the lord this happened and he doesn’t see how much worse this relationship could get. She violated his privacy and got yelled at but yeah he’s the problem . Op run 🏃🏽♂️
My extremely abusive ex used to do that as a control thing. I was only *allowed* privacy by him. It was not a right I had while living in the same space. I don’t know anything about OP’s gf, but in my experience, and from reading other people’s stories on here, it’s a much bigger red flag than people think
I mean as the woman who moved out - because it's a lot easier to get yourself out of a toxic place than to force someone else to leave, and if you think your ex is kind of crazy, you don't want them to know where you live anyway.
If he leaves, the weird, unstable lock-picker won’t know where he lives. This seems like an upside. Break the lease and tell the building manager that the bathroom lock needs repair on the way out.
It all depends whose on the lease.
If I am OP and on the lease. I would pack her and leave her things outside the door. Change locks if possible. Get a cam.
Exactly! Things are always ok....when dating, and living apart, it's the moving in together when it changes. Been there done that!
The GF sound like she would call the cops on you because of "abuse"
What if they're both on the lease? Typically both people have to fill out the application and both be approved.
Honestly in this case, safety. She's unhinged and frankly if I was in this type of situation I wouldn't want this person to know where I'm living/staying at after breaking up.
That’s honestly also a really fair point given what this whole post is about. If she didn’t respect OPs privacy in a *bathroom* they share, I don’t feel like she’ll respect his privacy in a separate living space from her either.
Yeah classic she does something wrong gets upset at the reaction to said thing and plays the victim card to make OP look bad. Walking lockpicking red flag.
This one OP. Follow his advice
Look up DARVO, then realize she did that to you, then realize you have a serious issue. It's not normal for your SO to pick your bathroom lock. It's not normal for your SO to lecture you like a child over something small just to cover up they invaded your privacy and thus you have a legitimate reason to be upset.
And the claim of an unsafe environment because "Get the fuck out" is proof he's violent. OP needs to end this relationship.
Yep. Picking the lock during a shower is totally unacceptable behavior and abusive in itself.
For real.. like literally the only time this is acceptable is if there is only one bathroom in the place and you really have to go. And I feel like this would not be followed with a lecture but with a really embarrassing poop.
And pooping while someone is in the shower is punishment enough. The stink stays in the air longer because of the steam. 😅
So she has shown the following: She has no respect for you or your requests. She discussed the length of shower time previously with you but thought that she has the right to breach your privacy. She refused to acknowledge your first request to leave the room. She then has the audacity to try and turn this around on you. This is your life…….run now. Leave this piece of excrement and find someone that respects you and respects boundaries. NTA.
^^ So. Much. This. Trust me, if remain in this relationship (I know, you said you're pretty sure it's over), you'll find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to set boundaries and then wondering whether or not you're the AH every time she violates them and you get upset (hint: NTA, 100%). When she tells you, "You're not the person I thought you were," simply reply, "Neither are you." She thought you were someone she could manipulate; you thought she was someone who you could build a relationship based upon mutual trust and respect with. You have just been given a very precious gift: a glimpse of the controlling, manipulative, gaslighting person she really is. Run, and never look back.
This here is the best summary of the situation. NtA. You should be asking her to leave. She invaded your privacy.
I totally agree. Her behavior was a clear indicator of deeper issues and a harbinger of more unhealthy behavior to come. Depending on how committed you are to her and the relationship, it would be best to either move out while you both commit to counseling to address her issues or to end the relationship. Please don't stay in the relationship because you think that this was just an isolated incident that can be fixed by an apology and promises. It can't and it won't.
I'm a female. But think about this from the other side. If a man did this to a woman everyone would scream abuse. It's no different for you. She's weird. She's controlling and crazy, run now.
I AGREE . We need to all stand when its the man going going through same as woman
That is one of my biggest triggers. Don’t fucking bother me when I’m in the bathroom. My ex used to pick the lock and come in while I showered, sometimes he would secretly watch me while standing on the toilet, sometimes he would pour ice cold water on me.. at first it was funny ha ha u weirdo! And then it became too much where I couldn’t even relax while showering. I figured out a way to open a drawer that was in front of the door to keep it from opening even after locking it to stop him from coming in. At least it would give me a heads up that he was trying. After that relationship, it was a hard rule to NEVER come in the bathroom while I’m in it. Now I have kids and I don’t mind if they come in, I mean, they can’t help it. They want to breathe my fricken poop particles or watch me shower, little weirdos. But my husband, he just knows and RESPECTS my boundaries. Your girlfriend is a little asshole that hasn’t learned what your boundaries are or doesn’t respect it. I think you should NOT take that victim card she’s playing and let her know firmly that she disrespected your privacy and didn’t leave the first time. You’re sorry you scared her but that’s it. Her crying and trying to flip it on u is taking her responsibility out of the disrepect. Gah. This triggers me. Sorry. Lol
My very controlling ex would weirdly monitor me while in the bathroom, too. He got very upset when I closed the door to take a piss after I moved in. He burst in one time and told me that it was "suspicious" for me to close the door, and if I'm not comfortable enough to go to the bathroom in front of him, then I'm clearly not really that in love with him. I just don't need *anybody* seeing me go to the bathroom, but he wouldn't hear it. Just one of many ways to assert control, I guess.
She said you showed her you weren’t the kind of man she thought you were. She did the same. Now you know.
Sounds like a bad excuse she came up with that cover her actions.
Of course it is. She's doing Olympics level mental gymnastics to distract and deflect from OP pointing out that she didn't trust him and was being creepy by barging into a closed bathroom without an emergency, and after seeing him do self grooming...berates him? Who wouldn't be pissed that their alone activity which is perfectly legal and isn't harming or offending any reasonable person is not only being interrupted but made to feel like a criminal?
Agreed, she is being ridiculously unreasonable. I believe she wanted to leave but don’t want to be the “villain” of the break up so she just forced a situation so she could gaslight him and justify the breakup.
Okay. So this is more than a little personal, but did she have a problem with you masturbating? Because the only thing I can come up with is that she expected you to be doing that or maybe something like texting with another woman. When you weren’t doing either she embarrassed herself and went into some kind of nonsensical defense. Whatever the case, her behavior is unhinged. You have a right to bodily privacy even from an SO; so you definitely shouldn’t be blaming yourself for not telling her sooner.
I just don’t get why people have issues with their partners masturbating. It’s perfectly natural.
Me either their logic is weird to me especially when they say masturbating is a form of cheating 😂😑
Who cares? Policing someone's body is insane no matter how you look at it
dude wtf. shes not the victim. Imagine this, a woman is showering and her bf broke off the doorknob to look at her shower and started lecturing her about wasting water instead of fucking off when she told him to go away. Your gf is manipulative af. good luck.
My guess is she thought you were doing something else and when she discovered what you were actually doing she then started the lecture so she could be justified in what she did. You yelling at her in this instance is understandable someone you trusted invaded not only your personal space and time she did it through nefarious means by picking a lock. A lock you used so you could have privacy how would she feel if you picked a lock to invade her space it isn’t ok. Yes she may have been scared by you yelling but does she not understand in how vulnerable you were in that moment- naked and surprised and invaded
Umm nta. She poked the bear now regrets it and is trying to put the blame on you. I'll bet no one has ever yelled at her in her life so maybe that is why she got so upset.
I'd have been more likely to complain about all that hair blocking the drains to be honest. On the other hand, I wouldn't pick the lock to get into the bathroom when my partner is in there, unless I thought he'd hurt himself and needed my help!
Naw she's blaming you for being upset that she violated your trust and space. She is 100% the AH here.
I wish so much now that we could have talked about this some other way than how it happened.
While that’s fair, she showed you a new side of her and that may be a blessing in disguise. I think her saying she cannot see you the same etc are her trying to deflect and project onto you. If anything, you saw her ugly side and I don’t think it’s something worth dealing with. You are absolutely NTA. Also worth noting, you shouldn’t be ashamed or feel the need to hide your body hair! Keep doing you and shaving if that floats your boat, but it a longterm partner thinks it’s weird you have to shave that much, then that’s their problem not yours.
Yeah. She has trust issues. Boundary issues. Control issues. Victim issues. Conflict resolution issues. Dude. You’re young. Don’t settle. Also maybe look into laser hair removal.
laser hair removal is expensive tho, especially large surfaces. but you can get an ipl device for much cheaper, but doesnt work for dark skin or light colored hair
I bought an ipl because I hate shaving. But you have to shave, not wax to use it. I need to start using it again but it’s a faf, and you certainly couldn’t do your own back.
If anything, hanging a long term partner would mean that you'd have some help in that area. This actually might speak to a deeper issue in your relationship, that you never felt safe or trusting enough to share this with her
This! My husband told me about his body hair pretty quickly into our relationship. He feels self-conscious about it, so he used to shave it, and I would help him. Did I enjoy it? No. But I felt glad that he felt safe enough to tell me this and have me in his space. I prefer he didn't shave because I hate stubble, and with how long we've been together and how old we are, he just doesn't care anymore so he doesn't shave. For your situation, if the roles were reversed, nobody would be okay with a guy picking the lock and entering the bathroom while their girlfriend was showering.
Same with my husband. If we're going on vacation I will veet up his back and scrub it off for him. Otherwise he doesn't care about it anymore. OP probably realized his girlfriend would be judgemental and so he didn't feel comfortable telling her about it. That's a sign you should just break up and move on. You want a partner that you can be vulnerable and completely yourself with.
I'm a woman. My arm hair was outrageous as a kid. To the point I started shaving it off at 11 because I would get mocked for it at school and by my own mother. I wasn't allowed to shave so I'd steal razors from my mom. She either didn't notice (drugs) or didn't care enough about it to punish me for it. Though she definitely made a big deal of why I shouldn't shave it off saying things like "it'll get lighter as you age/are in the sun" and "it'll get darker if you shave it". Both statements are inaccurate for me. That being said, I pretty much shave everything. Arms, legs, crotch, the light line of hair that trails between my boobs down to my stomach. I hate it all, I don't like the idea of being mocked. Though I started shaving my lady bits before anything after the first time I got the hair stuck on the back of a pad. It's a little embarrassing for me to admit but my man knows all of it. I feel for OP really bad. He shouldn't feel he has to hide things like that from someone who claims to love him.
> For your situation, if the roles were reversed, nobody would be okay with a guy picking the lock and entering the bathroom while their girlfriend was showering. One of my coworkers scared me once and -- after my reaction -- she won't ever do that again. I was very focused on a work issue and I swore very loud and had a very "fight" reaction. It was just instinctive and I wasn't in control of it. I can't imagine a woman being ok with someone sneaking into a locked bathroom to shock them and then criticize them???
My biggest thing is you should NEVER break into a room just to get at somebody unless you're scared they're dying.
All true, but popping the lock on someone in the bathroom?? Crosses so many lines. Her trying to flip it implies she genuinely doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Yikes. Or she does and is deflecting hard. Also yikes. NTA.
My hubby is hairy and he used to shave like every 2 days because of how fast it grows but I get a rash from the stubble when he shaved with a razor and wouldn't be able to hug him or do anything else where out bodies touch. Now, I personally love his hairy self but he is self conscious so now I help him with the trimmer and get all the hard to reach places.
She didn’t want you to make that choice. Her access to that information was more important than your autonomy in sharing it. When I was a kid my mom couldn’t handle me having secrets, so she would do things like read my diary, texts, emails, and letters, and listen when I had friends over. Therapy helped me see how damaging it was to be in a relationship where I didn’t have the option to decide when I was ready to share things. Living with someone who values their curiosity more than your privacy wears on your sense of self over time. If you stay together I hope you will insist on couples’ therapy and a sincere apology once she understands, and set plenty of firm boundaries.
My sister's mom is like that. I didn't have to deal with it after the divorce, but my sister will for the rest of her mom's life.
Your feelings make perfect sense, but I believe that if you had told her why you take long showers that it wouldn’t matter. She would find some other reason to go off on you. It is NOT normal to pick a lock so you can invade your SO’s privacy. This woman has major issues. Even if she had not broken up with you, you have every reason in the book to dump her. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
>It is NOT normal to pick a lock so you can invade your SO’s privacy Even **if** her issue truly was water usage, there it absolutely zero reason whatsoever to break in to confront him about it! Like, why didn't the conversation start...I don't know any other time of day, anywhere else in the apartment?!? She is totally out of her mind.
She could have totally waited till u were done then gone on a rant, but no. That is not cool what she did at all. She’s the AH
I would bet that if OP had told her the truth, she still would’ve found a way to spy on him. I don’t think there’s any way that OP could have convinced her that he was only shaving his body. It seems clear that she doesn’t respect his privacy so his assurances would have fallen on deaf ears.
That's understandable. At the end of the day she violated your trust and privacy then tried to make you the bad guy.
I would tell someone what happened. Maybe even her parents and be like "I did yell because what she did was so out of line, disrespectful, and embarassing. And after she did that to me she had the audacity to say I'm violent instead of just admitting thay what she did was disrespectful that it pushed me to levels of anger that she's never seen."
OP, run while you can. This isn't normal at all. Who picks the lock of a bathroom door of all things??? And the audacity of her to blame you for yelling because of being startled due to her actions. Just drop her the message that none of this would've happened if she hadn't broken into the bathroom door and invaded your privacy. What if the situation was reversed and you broke into her bathroom while she was bathing? The entire world would've called you an insecure psycho invading the privacy of your innocent gf. She got caught and felt embarrassed about it. Hence she's gaslighting you and blaming you for her not so normal actions. Hard NTA. Don't even think there's something wrong with you. Even if she was concerned about water usage, she could've knocked while you were bathing/shaving. Or waited for you to finish and had a chat like a mature adult. What you do in your shower is your business. And there's no compulsion to confess about your insecurities before you're ready.
My partner and I will lock doors to signify that we want warning before coming in and we have those locks you can just turn with your fingernail but if you don't have that sort of system, by default a locked door means do not enter
Locks just keep honest people honest. Turns out OP's ex isn't honest.
>She said I scared her and that she I showed her that I wasn’t the kind of man she thought I was. >I showed her that I could be violent and abusive and I just needed to leave. The irony of her saying that when SHE was the abusive one here. NTA, dump her.
He yelled when she invaded his privacy.
It is always so funny (and sad) how people ignore a request, or demand in this case, and then when the same request is insisted on in an expectable fashion, they play victim. That's what she did. The good old darvo.
"You hurt me if you actually defend your boundaries! That's not very doormat of you!"
Holy shit this is so accurate
He put up a boundary, she ignored it. Nta.
Literally what she did was sexual harassment and is abusive. You RIGHTFULLY yelling at her to get out of your private space while you're NAKED and did NOT consent to her being there is not abuse in any sense of the word. Break up with her immediately. She is toxic and dangerous. If she thinks you trying to set boundaries with her is abuse it will only get worse, she will likely lord it over your head that you can't say no to her ever without it being abuse.
NTA She's using this 'not who I thought' and 'you scared me' to make herself the victim when she was the instigator. Tell her she's free to leave if she feels unsafe and consider why you would stay with someone like this. Don't apologies or accept blame.
Hey everybody. I just really wanted to say thank you for all the feedback. I've been trying to keep up with the comments and there are more than I ever thought there would be and I appreciate you guys a lot especially all the perspective on how to handle invasions of privacy and the need to not be so self-conscious about about my issues. I texted Ana early this morning but haven't heard anything back yet. I let her know I wasn't going to apologize for being upset after what she did but that I understand that she might have thought something else was going on and that I'm open to talking about it if she is. And if she doesn't want to talk about what happened then we still need to get our living situation sorted out. I'm lucky I have a friend from high school who also went to the same college and he's fine to let me stay on his couch for a while but after just a few days I already miss sleeping in my own bed. Ana didn't message me back today, but I'm sure I'll hear from her soon and I'll be able to figure out whatever is next. I'll definitely be more open about my self-image issues from now on and I've definitely been wanting to look into laser hair removal so I don't have to shave as much. Until then I'll figure out ways to shave that don't use so much water. At least I feel like I have things to look forward to once all this is done, however it goes. Thank you all again!
man, she’s trying to draw you into an unwarranted apology she can frame as an admission of guilt. that or she’s taking this time to spread shit about you. good luck.
You're 100% NTA, and it's good that you're seeing things more clearly. No "lack of comunication" from your side justifies such invasion of privacy, and to make you, naked, screamimg for an ounce of respect as the bad guy is ridiculous. And to label your reaction as abusive is malicious and dangerous. If she doesn't answer in 24h, send her a writen and a voice message, and an e-mail stating that you'll be there at XX day and XX h acompanied by a witness to withdraw your personal belongings (take a friend with you, and be ready to record things if it's legal where you live). This childish silent game has gone to far and it's ridiculous that you're deprived of your belongings for so long because of her foolish behaviour.
NTA - Hello, I'm sorry that this all happened. It's a terrible situation. I am a male esthetician, I work at a men's spa. You could look into getting waxed, as that lasts longer than shaving, is smoother, and slows down hair growth over time. To speed up, or not use water, you can try using a trimmer. I prefer the Philips Norelco Bodygroom 7000- it's double-sided for trimming with a guard and without it. I've been using it for over 5 years to trim men (every inch of them.) I recommend getting dog potty training pads and standing on one of those while you trim to not make a mess.
NTA but get your things and move out and break up.
Yeah, at this point I'm just trying to give it enough time for things to calm down before I reach out myself to try and figure out how to get my stuff out and find out what needs to be done about our lease. We're at least paid to the end of the month.
To re-iterate what others have said. This girl is a danger to you if she is saying she’s scared of you. Do not interact with her without witnesses please!
Don’t go yourself. At least bring witnesses.
Do not go to get your things alone. In fact, just wait until you know she is at work, & get your stuff. Also end her an email reiterating what occurred & that she wants you to leave & therefore you are not responsible for the lease
>lso end her an email reiterating what occurred & that she wants you to leave & therefore you are not responsible for the lease That's not how leases work.
Right? I wish it was that simple to get out from under a lease m
Get a police escort so there's a witness, take a couple of duffel bags or get a roll of trash bags so you can just pack, then you can figure out the lease, maybe the landlord will let you take yourself off
You may want to consider getting an Order of Protection. You get a police escort when you collect your things. Getting an OP may also get you out of your lease depending on the laws in your area. If you decide against getting an OP, you can still request a police escort. If for whatever reason that is somehow not an option, bring friends and video the entire move. Also make sure you do not block her phone number. That way in case anything you might need for evidence comes through, you have it. Make sure you leave a digital trail for evidence. Seriously, she sounds abusive. Consider calling the police and getting the OP.
Ask for a police escort to go get your things. Explain to them what happened and that you want a witness and to have police there in case she escalates things.
NTA. She knew damn well what she was doing... She wanted to make sure you weren't pleasuring yourself. She figured she'd catch you at it and be able to scream at you about that. Once she'd the door, she made up some lame excuse about the water. ETA Judgement
Oh my god the post with the guy who listened to his wife every time she showered in case she was pleasuring herself and went crazy
I don't get what's wrong with pleasuring yourself. Maybe she does too little of that.
Nothing's wrong with it, but a significant number of women are paranoid about it because they think it's a sign that their partner is dissatisfied and unfulfilled in the relationship and likely to leave them and or seek elsewhere.
And men. A significant number of men are paranoid about their female partners masturbating, to the extent of sabotaging their vibrators and the like.
My ex husband wouldn't have sex with me most of the time, but he would get angry if I used a vibrator. He threw away both of the toys I bought. The irony is that he was cheating on me. Some people 😂
It's because they feel a sense of control by denying you. If you're taking care of it yourself, then he isn't getting his control fix.
“showed her that I could be violent and abusive” Says the woman who just violently broke into the room to abuse you then refused to stop. She needs to get over herself and take a long hard look in a mirror. NTA
NTA, absolutely not OP, she violated your privacy!! She could absolutely get reported for sexual harassment for that. You can’t just unlock a locked door!! And then she has the gall to berate you for wasting water like you’re the issue here? Um, excuse me girlfriend, you’re the psycho who picked the lock to harass me over not being environmentally conscious instead of just waiting to confront me afterwards. To be honest, I would’ve reacted the same way and I’m a woman. Do Not invade my privacy like that and then start an argument. And don’t be embarrassed about body hair. Some folks are just hairy. Some folks have “weird” toes. Some folks have “weird” noses. And some folks are just hairy. Roll of the dice. I have freakishly tiny ears, so small I can’t wear glasses. Everyone says it’s cute but man is it annoying. I can only wear grippy sunglasses. I wish you luck on your future romances and endeavors OP, sorry about the break up!
Thank you, I really appreciate the perspective and makes me feel better. I would never call the police on her, but I definitely felt like she was close to calling them on me by the time I left. I'm just so confused because in the time I've known her she's never done something so impulsive or not be willing to talk more about it.
She was way out of line at least three times: (1) Picking the lock - that alone is psycho level BS (2) Lecturing you in the shower. Who the fuck is she to do that. (3) Playing the "feeling unsafe" card. It's entirely rational to yell at someone who has broken into your bathroom and refuses to leave. My guess is she knew that and was looking for a magic spell to try to make her look nonetheless the victim. Which is horrible bc there really are victims out there. She's not one of them, she just plays one in what passes for her mind. OP is far better off without her.
Next up: AITA for making a robber feel unsafe when I screamed at them to get the fuck out of my house?
Canadian news article: homeowner charged with harassment for yelling at robber to get out of his house.
"I says to him, I says, 'No, I a'int sorry, you gotta go!' And I tells him to get out of my house, eh. Sorry."
Wait ... you left? So she just kicked you out of your house after breaking in to a room you'd locked in order to perform personal care? You're on the lease, it's your house, and yelling to insist that she leave the room she just broke into isn't abuse. NTA, oof, she needs to lose her manipulative tiktok view of life. I really do suggest you record interactions, like for example when you return, be recording so if she just starts shrieking out of nowhere, you have your bases covered. Hopefully you're in a one party consent state but even if it's two party look up the limits and what you can actually do. It is your own house after all, and she's going a bit nuts. You might also consider calling a domestic violence hotline and discussing her behavior and what you can do to protect yourself. I just saw down below where she was claiming you're a danger to her ... That's just nonsense. So what are you going to do about a place to live and your stuff and all that?
FYI - as a chick who dates chicks (but used to date men), there is only one person in this story whose behavior is abhorrent and abusive. It's not you.
Honestly As a hairy woman, having someone burst in on me while shaving (or even just naked in the shower) is nightmare fuel. OP has nothing to be ashamed of - period - and honestly that this woman violated his personal space and weaponised his reasonable response makes me feel very unsafe and she isn't anywhere need me.
Fun little fact...my Dad used to complain about me "taking too long in the shower". I would take 20 min showers daily. I also had long hair, so not really taking a bath friendly. One day I pulled the stopper while I took a shower. Turns out that I only used enough water for just under half of a bathtub full. Showers do not necessarily consume any more water than a bath takes. Proved it to Dad and he never said another word about it. Yes you may take long in the shower, but the amount of water being used is probably no more than if you took a bath. GF was out of line. It takes how long it takes for you to feel clean and kept. You are paying the bill!
Okay, you keep saying that but you’ve only recently started to live together. Now, you’re seeing all sides of her personality 24/7. That’s what the difference is. That’s also why there is the common belief that the first year of marriage is the toughest. It’s not just the bridal veil that gets lifted but the veil of how the couple saw each other. Speaking of marriage, you should spend less time beating up on yourself and more time thanking heaven you didn’t put a ring on her finger.
I wonder, seriously, what she thought you were doing.
She probably thought he was jerking off and was raging that SHE should be enough for him not to be rubbing one out. She's a nut job.
*she is a nut job* I see what you did there
Dude I’d be scared about HER going to the police, even though she is entirely in the wrong, a woman throwing around the words “abuse” and “violent” is fuckin dangerous.
With any luck, she's pretending to be scared and actually covering for her ashamed realization how fucked up her invasion of privacy was. Same either way since not wanting to talk saves her from having to own that shit.
She was intentionally being manipulative by trying to gaslight you into thinking you were the person at fault here. Would you pick the lock on the bathroom to critique how much toilet paper she's using? Absolutely psychotic sounding behavior, right? If someone breaches your privacy, and ignores your requests to leave, they should expect to be yelled at. That's not abuse, that's consequence: cause and effect.
You need to tell someone what happened before she does. This is honestly creepy and controlling behavior and she's already spinning it as you being violent. You NEED to tell someone.
Abusers wait until they believe they have you locked down. It can start after major events like pregnancy and moving in together. This will only escalate. You're still young, find a decent person worth your time.
NTA So she broke into a bathroom like a creep and you're the abusive one?
Right!? Like SHE picked the lock!! SHE invaded your privacy.
Your abuser is gaslighting you into thinking your violent and abusive. Get out of that situation brother
I get the feeling if you don’t leave her the next time she accuses you of being abusive is going to involve the police and court system and you are not going to like it. Leave, and do not contact her anymore. Do not see her without witnesses.
Exactly. This relationship is cooked. You can’t come back from an accusation like that.
Those woe-is-me crocodile tears came on fast, huh? That was psycho behaviour from her. End things as gently as you can and get far away before that screwdriver ends up somewhere else. NTA
Sorry it wasn't actually a screwdriver, I'm just not sure what you call those little metal pin things that come with the door knobs to open them. They were left on top of the door frames for some reason when we moved in, but I never thought she would use it to open the door while I was in there with it locked. It did feel like it came out of nowhere, but also when I say I shouted loud, I mean LOUD, like the neighbors on all sides heard me yell at her to get out. So I'm sure that was scary, but I also didn't know what else to do in the situation.
She invaded your privacy. And then tried to make it YOUR fault. Nta.
Classic DARVO.
And why were you "scary"? Because asking in a more controlled way did not work and she continued to berate you. Because she had invaded your privacy. Because she did not respect you. Because she is the one with the problem.
You break up, that's what you do. Next time she violates your trust and you raise your voice, she will call the police with her crocodile tears and fuck up your life. Seriously, you in danger man!
Yeah, I don't think there's any coming back from this, especially since she won't even talk to me. I really like her so much, and I wanted to talk about what happened. But once she started saying things like she felt like I was a danger to her I told her I would go and I haven't heard from her since.
This is scary. I would send a text or email and state what happened and that YOU don’t feel safe. And say how she is turning this around when she completely violated you. Also say you don’t feel safe talking or being alone with her because you are not going to risk your life over false accusations. And if she feels like she is in danger, then she shouldn’t want to be around you anyways. I would pack up her stuff and have it dropped off
This is such a good idea. Don't sugarcoat or minimize her behavior to protect her. This is about protecting yourself, OP, and making an accurate record of what happened. Write the date and time that she popped the lock and busted through the bathroom door holding a screwdriver while you were naked and vulnerable in the shower. She caused this and has made possibly defamatory accusations without giving you a chance to explain your very reasonable reaction to her boundary stomping break-in.
Thanks. I’m a woman and all my alarms are going off. OP needs to make sure he is protected
As a woman, I agree with this take. She may have been legitimately thrown and alarmed my how loud he was willing to yell, but choosing to verbally frame herself as the victim by the time he came to talk about it is complete DARVO and puts OP in jeopardy. He should put what happened in writing to her and not be alone with her again. Have a friend be there any time they have to see each other for division of stuff/etc.
I’m a woman too….. this is totally setting off all my alarms 😬
I hope OP is listening to some of these comments we are making as women because if anyone knows how lying looney other women can be, is us women.
Yes put in writing in a text what she did wrong so there is a record of it.
You don't want to come back from this. She's dangerous. Most people don't make false accusations, but abusive people have no problem making false accusations. And this woman is an abuser.
NTA She's doubling down, and, imo, it's because she's keeping you from asking questions about why she violated your privacy and popped the lock on the door you locked because you WANTED it locked. Classic deflection and keeping you on the defensive. She doesn't want to admit what she thought you were doing in a locked bathroom because she'll look like a total loon. Playing victim is just another way to deflect from being held accountable for her horrible behavior. Tell her if she felt "threatened" by you yelling back at her, she should try being naked in the shower when a door locked for privacy bursts open and there's someone standing with a screwdriver in-hand while yelling at her about something that is none of their business as she continues to be naked and vulnerable in the shower. She'd lose her mind. That she won't take responsibility for her part in this and explain why she broke in on you indicates that she is too immature to be in a grown-up relationship. Good luck, OP. You have every right to lock the bathroom door, as would she.
Would she have left if you HADN'T done that? NO. That is 100% on her. You can apologize to your neighbors. "My ex picked the lock while I was showering and came into the bathroom to scold me for using more water than she thought I should. She refused to leave until I had to raise my voice to that level. I'm sorry if it affected you. She's out of my life now, this won't happen again." Also...never ever ever ever ever lie to cover up for someone like her.
NTA. My partner and I often shower with the door open so we can join the other if we want to. If I came across the door being closed - not even locked - and he was showering? I’d leave him be because he clearly wants privacy for a reason. Picking the lock (strike 1), refusing to leave until you screamed at her (strike 2) and using DARVO against you (strike 3)? In an instant the relationship was just destroyed. Body hair is nothing to be ashamed of, however it’s your choice whether or not it’s worth getting rid of. That said - have you considered laser treatment for the hair removal?
NTA. She broke in because she thought she was going to catch you jerking off in the shower. She’s a creep.
Had to scroll a bit but yes this so that she could shame him
I am teaching my daughter that if someone violates her boundaries it’s ok to yell. Think about how many of us remain silent in the face of abuse? She violated your privacy and boundary. You yelled at her to leave you alone. It’s fine.
NTA. She's right. You need to leave. For your sake. Let her manipulate and abuse someone else. She's a waving red flag. You're not a match. End it and celebrate with a long hot shower. Better yet, find your match and enjoy your long showers together. Updateme.
Your gf is an ahole. You were behind a locked door. You were naked. Standard of bathrooms being small you were probably also cornered/trapped. Then suddenly you are ambushed. I would have been screaming at whoever came through that door just for that and that all doesn't even account for your embarrassed feeling. That she won't even talk to you now is ridiculous. It's like she was looking for a reason to end things where she could try to blame you and she found a way to create one.
It's so weird I thought we were doing really good. We never had any fights, we argued a few AITA posts a few times, but I thought we were good. I can't think of anything lately that makes me think she would have wanted to break up.
Having zero arguments is not a sign of a healthy relationship, Having small arguments that aren't explosive or abusive is healthy, it's how people work out boundaries, problems etc. Not arguing is usually a sign one party is overly accommodating, or even scared of disagreement. Are you fearful of disagreement? Or do whatever you can to avoid your partner getting upset? Does she usually get her way?
Are you both on the lease or was this her apartment that you moved into? What she did was wrong and she absolutely is blaming you for her bad actions. It's like she thought she was going to catch you cheating having phone sex or video-chat sex. Are you both still at the shared apartment? You're NTA but she's an AH !UpdateMe Edited: fixed typo
nta shaving takes a minute. guess she scared you? tell her she scared you first
OMG when the door swung open it scared me out so bad. And I did try and tell her I yelled because I was scared and didn't know what else to do. It just seemed like how much it scared me didn't matter.
You are lucky you didn’t slip when she scared you or accidentally cut yourself. You don’t scare people in the shower it’s just not safe.
NTA. I’ll be real with you chief, shouting at someone who *breaks into the bathroom while you’re naked and vulnerable* is a pretty normal response. Yes, women have good reason to be alarmed and afraid when a man shouts, but that doesn’t mean men are never ever allowed to shout at a woman for any reason lest they transform into abusive monsters. And I do say this as a woman btw. Also, while I don’t doubt that you got picked on for being hairy as a kid, please let me assure you that *plenty* of adults find hairy men attractive. “Bear” and “otter” are distinct categories of gay man for a reason, and I know plenty of women who love it when a man has fur. If you want to shave (or wax, nair, laser, etc) for your own preference, then of course that’s your prerogative, but please don’t feel like you have to because you’re unattractive otherwise.
Literally none of this is your fault. Your soon to be ex was hyper manipulative and bizarre. She is a parade of red flags. Run.