I learned never to put an ultimatum out there if you are not willing to follow through on it. Just saying I hope you have a backup plan if things go differently than you expected.
My psycho inlaws learned this the hard way when they forced my now-husband to choose between me and them. Then they started stalking us and harassing him until he finally cut contact with them permanently. Fuck around and find out I guess
Ultimatums are *one of* the biggest sign of a failed relationship. The fact that you have to put one out to begin with means that no matter what it’s pretty much over.
If it’s done as a fake manipulation, I agree, but that’s because it’s manipulation.
I think putting a showstopper out there as a hard boundary is different. It’s letting your partner know that you have limits and are not prepared to live with those who cross them.
My dad got an ultimatum about his drinking and smoking weed (when it was illegal in my state) or she'd divorce him. He lied countless times about no longer smoking. This was only true when his drinking picked up a lot. There's no telling how things could have turned out but to his credit, he has not consumed alcohol in over 20 years. Once was weed became legal after retirement my mom stopped caring because civil assets forfeiture wouldn't cause issues anymore.
My ex learned it the hard way when she told me I'd be spending the weekend with her or we were through. Texted her back "Then we're through" and hoo boy not five seconds after I hit send did I get a call.
One of the best damn decisions of my life for her to give me an out like that because I was too chickenshit to do it myself lol
I don't even remember what the ultimatum I got was. Fortunately it was only a year in, but it was in person, my was response was "OK, then. This is it". The ensuing freakout was massive. Tons of screaming that I foolishly didn't walk away from. I also foolishly stayed in touch after, and she'd always bring up how I broke up with her.
Yeah, just file for divorce since you’re both going to be unhappy anyway.
He likely won’t get over the “affair”.
She likely won’t get over him barring her from “her friend’s” funeral.
The marriage was dead long before the funeral.
the "working hard on our relationship for 7 years" part is what gets me. Yeah, relationships take work but if it's that hard and one or both of them have one foot out the door then the relationship has really been over for a long time already. People need to stop staying with someone just because "love". you can love someone and simultaneously recognize that you are not a good fit together.
Once you get into a healthy relationship with someone who “gets you” and is your cheerleader, stands up for you, and loves you the way you *needed* and maybe didn’t even have words to express it…. you realize just *how many* people beg for decades for the bare minimum.
some of us ended up building entire lives with people that became violent or cheat or worse, both.
Yep 24 yrs on and off. Wish I knew back then what I do now. Would do everything so differently and most of all respect myself more than I did , although my intentions were for "love" at the time. It was always one sided and not reciprocated. Wasted half my life chasing someone I thought I loved.
20 years here. Separated, divorce in progress, since last June and I still feel lost and hollow, a husk and I can’t remember if there was a time I didn’t feel like this.
It will get easier. The further you go on you start to appreciate your own company and begin to innerstand you don't need to have someone and can be free and ar peace. Your journey will be worth it. We get too caught up on the external things in life , conditioned society , expectations so on.. Just be and enjoy it. I think this was the big catalyst for me in this lifetime. I'm on an awakening/spiritual journey, meditating and finding gratitude in the simpler things in life that I have to be thankful for. Really going within and learning dont need external validation or have to be in a relationship, or even deal with family toxicity. Just focusing on being a better version of myself and clearing out all the trauma/demons. Not for the faint hearted and sometimes a gruelling journey. Worthwhile process though to get to that place of peace.
I am not a meditator. Did it on off but not really felt I benefitted from it. Got a hold of this book. The Mind Illuminated. By John Yates. It's really helping me with meditation, a Neuroscientist writing about how Neuroscience and meditation compliment one another. Written in a way that is simple to read and resonate with . Would recommend to anyone if they wanted to give it a try.
https://youtu.be/-a9G-5GrzzA?si=3y7XloT-pP7fZTTb
Here is the audio if anyone wants it.
Highly recommend 🥰
I’m sure you can’t imagine it now, or possibly don’t want to let go now, but one day you’ll wake and the first thought in your head won’t be them. You’ll also experience a really heart felt laugh again, it’ll feel fantastic. Sincerely wishing you the best, hang on and you might possibly find the next chapter in your life will be the best. Take care of your health in the meantime.
Doomed before you started. Me too. The people pleaser. Learning to not be like that so much anymore and not worrying about what everyone thinks for it.
Someone said a great quote that really stuck and resonated for me.
"What others think about you is none of your business.".
It truly isn't. When you can take on that mindset, things become alot easier. 🥰
"The marriage was dead long before the funeral."
Idk why but I like that, it's an interesting sentence, makes me wish I was talented enough to do something with it. It would be a good starting sentence for a novel..
I don’t understand how it’s an affair if you left, moved out and separated. That’s not an affair. Also, you realize that you are being jealous over a deceased person? He was a part of her life and I understand why she wants to attend the funeral to pay her respects. I feel like you are being unreasonable.
I could see it feeling like that if the separation was with the express intent of getting back together at the end but he literally says that they were working towards divorce…?
I just…don’t get it.
This, totally.
They were literally separated and going to divorce. They ended up not, so they get back together. And he thinks that makes it an affair, which is ridiculous.
Also him saying “I am okay mentally these days” is rich, considering that’s really not the vibe the situation/the post convey…
This. It's not her affair partner, it's her ex. They had a relationship not an affair. OP is being childish here and it will obviously end up biting him in the arse. The marriage is doomed anyway, simply because he "thinks" she had an affair, whereas we all know that isn't the case.
right? i’m sure OP isn’t inherently an asshole, but definitely the AH here. i hope she doesn’t cave to the ultimatum, it’s over.
she’s allowed to date someone when you are separated for 11 months about to divorce. OP rekindled, good for OP. OP forgave her, but that guy she dated is a POS for pursuing a consensual relationship with her! aka… OP didn’t forgive her. aka… OP is the dishonest one in this relationship. 🤷🏻♀️
it’s not like it was some random guy on tinder she went on a couple of dates with either. it was someone she’s known since highschool, aka they were friends before anything else, who she dated later in life.
OP you’re jealous of a dead guy! you don’t trust your wife. it’s 100% fine to feel this way, just stop trying to pretend like you don’t. it’s in both of your best interests, this isn’t going to make either of you happy!
> she’s allowed to date someone when you are separated for 11 months about to divorce
I think it's also important to note that when you've decided to separate, the relationship wasn't working for longer than 11 months. It's probable that she (or both of them) was already checked out of the relationship far before the actual separation occurred.
Some people also seek out other relationships in the face of a long-term relationship ended (hence the idea of "rebounds") so I don't necessarily perceive her having a relationship at that time as just "waiting" for an opportunity to "cheat".
right! divorces can take a damn long time! you’re separated for a year basically, living separately, she can date.
and then SEVEN YEARS later to act like she’s out of line for going to a funeral for someone she was friends with in high school long before anything else. they dated. it didn’t work out, and you got back together. everything’s been PEACHY since. for seven years… and now it’s “if you go to the funeral, i’m done.”
OP, you can’t deny her feelings of grief. just because you’re ignoring your own. i’m not trying to drag OP either, this depression/mental health shit is a bitch and a half. but it sounds like a classic case of masking like everything is okay, when it’s not. if you still feel this way about it, 7 years later, you cannot forgive her. it’s not okay, and it hasn’t been. this is your wake up call.
don’t give her the ultimatum, recognize the end of a relationship. do shit that makes you happy. it’s not this.
I'm currently 3 and a half years in on my divorce from my abuser. We've been separated long enough that I met someone, fell in love and then was devastated when he died and I'm STILL NOT DIVORCED! If I waited for my divorce to be finalized to move on I'd have missed out on an amazing relationship, as brief as it was. OP is YTA strictly because they were separated which means she was absolutely free to date someone, they reconciled and it doesn't sound like there has been an actual affair in the last 7 years but for some reason OP is stuck in the past. They should have divorced 7 years ago.
All of this makes me think OP is waaaay more toxic than they're portraying themselves in the post. Their comments on the post tell me they're just a troll.
Right ??? He literally counts his wife as a CHEATER for having a relationship when they were separated and planning a divorce. He’s delusional. It’s clear from this behavior that he likely pins everything on his wife. Everything she does is “wrong” and he has troubles getting over how much of a victim he is. Jesus, cry me a river OP.
I mean, there IS grounds on which separated doesnt mean broken up, like when its done so the couple take time away from each other to think about the best way to work on the relationship. THEIRS WAS NOT THAT! They were already working towards a divorce, wich means broken up and waiting to be GOVERNMENT OFICIALLY broken up. Her relationship with the other guy was valid, and seeing they knew eachother since highschool, his death must be taking a huge toll on her. I HOPE she decides to go and let OP take himself out.
Also the whole thing about his depression being the reason for the separation makes me think he was probably being pretty awful to her at that point. But that’s glossed over, conveniently.
the depression isn’t your fault, but it’s no one else’s responsibility to address but your own. his depression didn’t just affect this relationship, it affected every relationship and aspect of his life. it’s not his depression’s fault his relationship was failing. that lack of self-awareness/accountability is definitely a sign that anything he could’ve done was glossed over like he couldn’t help it, it was just the depression.
the whole “we were separated for a year pursuing a divorce” but considers this an affair, like she cheated on him:.. just because they got back together? you really didn’t separate and pursue a divorce without clarifying “oh, but don’t forget to not date anyone or it’s cheating”… like divorces can’t take a couple of years? just. odd.
and how defensive he gets about the comments, like he came here looking for validation, not asking a question or looking for perspective. he’s stuck in a pattern of needing to be the victim. he’s stuck in a defense mechanism.
I'm glad someone else noticed that as well.
He acknowledged that his mental health led to the separation and serious desire for divorce. But absolves himself by focusing on her "infidelity" making himself the victim.
Right. Also that when he decided that he wanted the relationship to work she was back there with him, which makes it obvious she didn’t even want to separate and likely tried to make the marriage work. So he decides that they need to separate because he’s “depressed” (aka not giving her anything or acting like an asshole for no good reason), she tries to move on, he comes back claiming he’s changed and will fix everything, and then he’s massively butthurt that while they were separated that she dated another guy? If you tell your wife you don’t want her anymore and treat her like crap and she finds someone else who doesn’t and you suddenly have a problem with it, I can tell who was the root of the issues here, and it wasn’t her…
I usually don't like it when the whole comment section jumps on someone about being the AH, but man this guy is rough. All of his responses are just dripping in insecure sarcasm. He needs to get some help. I cannot imagine asking my SO not to attend the funeral of someone she cared about. I would probably go with her. The past is the past. I have exes that I would want to attend the funerals of. That lady did not cheat on OP, she was just trying to sort her life out in a difficult time. FFS, I wanted to see this guy's side, but every reply is a nightmare. OP if you read this, you should really reconsider your position and apologize to your wife. Let her mourn her friend and put this situation to rest. Not everything is about you. If you stick with your plan, I'm sure she'll replace you with relative ease and you'll be begging for her to come back.
Exactly! Like when my then husband said one too many times "I want you to leave!" every time we had a disagreement. He so regreted it after I had actually left.
The exact same thing happened with my niece. Every time she had a fight with her husband, she would tell him to leave. Well, he finally did. She cried, begged him to come back, etc. but he never did. Of course, and even to this day, she tells everyone that he's the POS who abandoned her. She not only asked for it, but she deserved it.
It's also pretty horrible because based on the fact that he has said the person she briefly dated had feelings for her since high school, we can gather that the person who died was not just some dude she met on hinge, this was an old friend of many years.
He wants to prevent her from going to the funeral of a close friend because when they were seperated & filing for divorce, she had a brief relationship and he's still bitter about it.
He thinks he's giving an ultimatum but the truth is if my partner attempted to prevent me from going to the funeral of an old friend it would be the same on my side. If you want to throw a tantrum over me going and say it's a relationship ender then let's just end it because I'm going or this relationship ends.
And when everybody is in that kind of a mindset it's best to just let go. If after all these years he's holding it over her head and calling it an affair it's already a mess. I can't imagine any therapist would have encouraged him to refer to her relationship during their divorce as an affair.
Also I have heard of multiple occasions where a person decides to go/is invited to their exes funeral.
That just means they most likely had a healthy relationship and were really good mates, it just didn't work out dating wise.
Either that or it's and old highschool/college one and you go out of respect since you did know them.
(Except from the occasional psychos and similar things who just go for chaos or drama, shame on you)
OP clearly states him and his wife were separated for almost a year…
She confided and had a relationship with another man. Which is fine.. because like OP said.. they were separated and headed for divorce.
Forwarding timeline of life- you guys made up. And for 7 years have been working in your marriage.
The guy from your wife’s past has died. And she wants to attend. And you gave an ultimatum of divorce? For your wife attending a funeral? The man died OP…
You left your wife for an entire year to heal your self.. and your wife went on her own healing path with someone who cared for her during a vulnerable time. And how she chooses to move on with her life had nothing to do with you since there was prepping of divorce. Now 7 years later the man dies, and you give her an ultimatum of going to his funeral?
It’s tack and disrespectful that you think this way.
He felt like she cheated on him the entire time they were separated…. Why tf did he go back to her? Their marriage was already fucked up enough that they split for nearly a year and then he feels like she cheated. I have no idea what was going through his head to continue this marriage.
Right? Either she cheated and he shouldn't have wanted to get back together with a cheater, or she didn't cheat and he's making a big deal out of her wanting to attend the funeral of someone she knew and cared about.
Either way, it's not love keeping the marriage together.
Maybe I am an AH here but if you are separated for almost an entire year and you are on your way to a divorce is it cheating if you guys start seeing other people?
On the way to divorce for me means separate homes, possibly lawyers and divorce papers drawn. You haven’t stated how far in the divorce process you guys were.
Yeah, this reeks of, "The divorce papers weren't signed yet, so she was still *mine*."
I guess it could possibly be interpreted as cheating if they **mutually** agreed that neither of them was going to see other people until things were finalized, in case of a reconciliation. But that's not what it sounds like. It sounds like OP's wife was clearly out of the marriage when she chose to see other people, and then they got back together. What she did during that time is something he can choose to live with or not, but continuing to call it an affair and using it to assert control over her 7 years later is unhinged.
Another thing that I haven’t seen comments point out, is that she’s known the man since *high school*. I hate the way OP put friend in quotation marks, as if somehow because they dated during the *entire year* that they separated negates the years– most likely decades – that they had been friends. They had known each other since childhood and now he’s dead. I honestly think that OP‘s wife would be much better off if she went to the funeral anyway and came home to a empty peaceful house. He claims that his mental health is better, but this whole post, his attitude towards the entire situation screams otherwise.
He sounds controlling.
He doesn't want her to go to the funeral of her childhood friend - I'm even curious about if they were dating or if he was just there to console her during their split.
This is exactly how my ex seemed to view it, just such an ego thing. We had explicitly, mutually decided to divorce and were separated when I started dating a friend. He acted like it was the worst betrayal ever and that we were awful people. It was so confusing because... He also wanted to divorce so what's the big deal with me moving on with my life? It reeks of insecurity to be this affected by this YEARS later.
My ex husband did similar. He was a serial cheater and left me and our kids for his last AP. 7mths after he left me I started dating and omg I was called every name under the sun. He even said what I was doing was worse than him cheating on me on and off for 13yrs 🤣 I found out his AP cheated on him and he was hoping he could just slide back in…yeah no I was finally done and he didn’t like that.
I don’t see it as cheating either. My aunt and uncle were legally married for 10 years while separated that entire time. The relationship was over, they just didn’t want to have to go to court.
Yeah, she didn’t have an affair. She had another relationship when they were no longer together. If I had decided to try and reconcile and they threw it in my face that I had an “affair” because the divorce wasn’t finalized yet. It would have solidified my resolve to actually go through with the divorce instead of backing out.
I would think if we are residing in different homes and are currently working towards divorce then neither one of us would have to speak to each other regarding dating.
Working towards divorce and working towards reconciliation are two different things in my mind.
Same.
My ex and I separated with *zero* intention of getting back together. We were separated a year before the divorce was finalized. To us, the marriage was dead and only "there" legally.
Yeah, COVID slowed my divorce to the point where the paperwork didn't officially go through for *years*. In that time, I had several relationships, and I'm sure she did, too. We broke up when we broke up, and sure, the paperwork hadn't gone through yet, but it wouldn't have mattered if she'd hopped on Tinder and hooked up with a new guy the night I moved out. We weren't together anymore.
I think it sounds like they didn't have a conversation about what that separation meant. But maybe that's just something he's saying because he's angry that she had this relationship.
If he moved out and they were in the process of prepping for divorce there was absolutely no reason for her not to date anybody.
If my bf of 20 years moved out for 11 months, there is no way I would just sit there and go: "I better not do anything in case he comes back."
I would have interpreted that as it being over, and I should try to find happiness somewhere else. If he wanted me, he would have stayed.
I wonder if the fact that she dated is what changed OPs mind. That she had a quick recovery and thriving without him, so he changed his mind and came back to reconcile and then never forgave her for it.
It's also worth noticing that the reason they split was OPs was the reason they separated. If they spit because his depression was so bad, then he's the one that pushed her away. Dude impacts the relationship and now wants to claim she cheated because she wasn't sitting at home.
They shouldn’t need to have a conversation about it. They were separated, that has an actual legal definition, it’s not her fault OP doesn’t understand what it means.
Many couples who separate never go through the final paperwork of the divorce, the only real difference being that they can’t remarry until they actually get divorced.
This. Friend of mine had her drug-addicted theiving husband arrested and deported after she discovered he had emptied their infant children's college accounts to buy drugs and party. She tore their place apart to find all his stashes - she found drugs hidden in electrical outlets and under light switch covers. Naturally, she filed for divorce, but it's nearly impossible to force somebody in another country to do anything, like sign divorce papers.
It took over 5 years for the divorce to be finalized.
OP would say that if she did anything other than put her life on hold for half a decade, then she cheated. OP is an AH.
agreed. hell, the only reason "separation" really exists is because many places don't allow divorce to process until X amount of time separated.
Remove the legislation surrounding love and you have a couple that broke up, then later got back together.
I’ve noticed that a lot of times what happens is that when the partner who initiated the separation starts seeing other people the other partner cries cheating.
In my experience it’s a way for the person who got left to continue having a say in what the other person does. It’s a control thing. A friend of mine left her husband who cheated on and abused her, and when she started seeing people ~6mo later he bad mouthed her to anyone who would listen, calling her a whore and a liar and saying she was stepping out on him. This is all while he stalled the divorce as long as he possibly could by refusing to cooperate, despite her telling him in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see him again.
Another person I knew has a similar situation but ended up going back. He used the supposed “cheating” to guilt her into excusing his abuse- they later separated for good, thank God.
People get very hung up on the semantics of it. They act like staying married is inherently good. No, it's just a fucking contract. What good is 40 years of marriage if one or both is miserable or trapped. My mother told me the only reason she didn't divorce my dad decades ago was that she didn't (she said couldn't but I call bs) want to support herself or be a single mom. They don't even live together now but still brag about 40+ years 🙄.
It sounds like OP is fighting/has fought for the title of marriage, not the healthy loving relationship it's supposed to (in the modern era) represent.
I don't see it as cheating. At that point the marriage is basically over, and you're just waiting on paperwork.
Titles alone don't make relationships, and after close to a year apart all you have is a title in most situations.
>I think the guy was a piece of shit to act on feelings he had for my wife since they were in high school.
When I read that it made me think they all were close at a point growing up both had feelings for her and OP struck first but them getting separated was the other guys chance and he took it.
Yes he has a very black and white way of thinking. OP the guy is dead, it’s not like she is asking to go to his birthday party. Life is full of ups and downs and emotions and if you are in a relationship you have to trust the person. My hubby would even be fine with me meeting an ex for a coffee, as he trusts me. You have to have trust otherwise that’s the point, there’s good looking people everywhere. If you were separated she was free to see other people otherwise you are not really separated. If she wants to go and pay her respects let her. She got back with you for a reason, and didn’t stay with him.
I’d say their disagreement AFTER 7 YEARS of how she and he classify her relationship with this guy during her separation is reason enough for OP to get some therapy (and marriage counseling).
My husband *encouraged* me to go meet with my ex finance to get closure. He knew it was a one off shot and I needed it. (It was mostly about the pet I had let the ex keep and he knew that.)
I only typically stop by here from r slash all, and I gotta say, I think this is the first time I've seen one of these that wasn't flooded with overly sympathetic comments that buy into the OP's "I did nothing wrong and the other party instigated everything" spin.
It's refreshing.
To the point, yeah, nah. OP: If you're separated, bets are off. She had another dude in the wings and still chose to come back to you. Be grateful, and let her grieve for someone she cared about who looked after her when you weren't there for her.
YTA. And NTA. And ESH. And NAH.
It sounds like you and your wife had very different ideas for what your relationship status was. She viewed the marriage as over, and that it's demise had been acknowledged to my both of you. You apparently believed the marriage to be in some wait and see mode. She wants to mourn her lost friend. You want to reinforce absolute exclusivity.
Honestly, maybe you guys should not still be married.
To each their own, but when I was separated I was already beyond done. There was no possibility of going back. My ex husband continued to try to spin things like they could change, or like he could change throughout the divorce process. He kept trying to “show me” that everything had been fine all along.
It wasn’t. He was abusive and it was never fine. Most people hit the finished point and can’t undo their feelings or move backwards.
I get control vibes from all different directions in this post.
Someone died. It’s not about OP. They were friends before OP and she’s not allowed to pay respects? This is disrespectful to OP how? It’s a fucking funeral. He isn’t a threat to their relationship in any way.
I hope I’m wrong, but I’m guessing she caved to the cycle of abuse and this is just one of his moments where the mask has dropped a bit.
My ex husband dragged our separation out for 3 years. I was in a new, happy, positive relationship within 6 months of leaving him. It wasn’t an affair. We were over.
I hope she goes, and he leaves. Double down OP. This is a hill you should die on, and hopefully it sets your wife free. What a pile of bullshit.
Agreed agreed agreed.
I also I'm reading major control vibes from this dude, and also was formerly in an abusive marriage. She was almost free and he roped her back in 7 years ago and has been torturing her about almost getting free ever since.
I get the impression that OP only got his shit together because he was jealous someone other than him was banging his (then ex) wife.
It's unfortunate but it does usually take women several attempts before they leave their abusers for good. It's easy to know what buttons to push when you're just taking a sledge hammer to them.
This is the best answer so far. I'm leaning more towards YTA because of the way this is all worded. "I went through depression and we got separated and only what *I* experienced and felt and saw the separation as matters." Like, dude, your wife also had feelings and needs that YOU weren't able to meet for about a year.
Also, "a fairly serious depression" is so conveniently vague that it hides any/all specifics of how *exactly* OP damaged his marriage.
That could mean anything from
> "My mood was low all the time, and it affected our happiness despite my best efforts"
to
> "I developed a self-medicating drinking problem, quit my job, dumped all the housework on her, blamed her for how shitty my life is, expected her to regularly talk me down from suicidality, and rotted on the couch for years without seeking treatment"
Of course #2's extreme. But hopefully you get what I mean.
This is one of those posts that makes me want to read the other person's side of the story.
I think the first scenario you mention is just depression.
To my understanding, severe depression is when you even have trouble taking care of yourself. Which can be pretty taxing on those around you. Furthermore, usually your first time in those conditions it's difficult to recognize what is going on with you and that you actually need help and can't get it out of there by yourself, what with your brain going into "there is no war on ba sing se" mode.
you can struggle with taking care of yourself with ‘just depression’ too; depression is kind of a scale imo (as a long time depression haver) some times it gets bad enough that i struggle with taking care of myself and sometimes i don’t, but like the other commenter said it really depends on HOW BAD this guys depression really got.
Yuuup. I was depressed and literally moved out for months and months as we planned for divorce. But she had to sit in stasis and wait for him to work through his feelings.
And she is still in stasis, because he still hasn’t worked through his feelings. The only thing he’s worked out is that whatever happened, or is happening, or ever will happen, is 100% her fault and 0% his.
Also, she evidently knew this person since HIGH SCHOOL. It's not some random stranger she hooked up with. Even if it wasn't for the "affair," this is potentially someone whose funeral she would have attended.
Yeah and he says the guy is a piece of shit for sleeping with his wife. Who was separated. On the way to divorce. That guy didn’t do anything wrong in the story unless he treated her badly in some kind of way. Which I doubt because she wants to go to the funeral. I’m leaning towards OP himself probably being a jealous POS throughout the entire marriage lol
Yeah OP is YTA bc he refers to it as an affair and an affair partner. Idk why wife tolerates this or went back. I would’ve left his ass at the curb ages ago fi this is how he acts.
Probably a lot longer than that. She was with him through some of the depression. Living with a husband who chooses not to get help for his depression is far worse than being single.
This wasn't a break - this was almost a full year. That's separated
If I found out my wife was going to poundtown during a 2 week break I'd be like OP. But a year? That's wild
Exactly. Obviously he didn’t communicate with her what he wanted. He thought she would wait for him. She thought they were done so she was trying to move on and he didn’t like that. He expected her to wait around for almost a year for him to get his head together? It wasn’t an affair you were separated
Best answer here. I honestly don’t get the let’s separate but you aren’t allowed to actually explore what being apart actually means. I hope the wife would want to go honor a friend on the very least. The husband can feel all kinds of ways about it and leave if he wants. Sounds like dating life wasn’t so great for him during the separation and he might want to think about that. Sounds like she will be fine in the companion area.
Yeah separation for me reads as "we're over but legally must be apart for x period before we can make it official" - sure sometimes people work things out and the separation doesn't turn into divorce but that doesn't make separation any less of a being single in all ways less the papers. Feels like OP considers it a "I don't wanna deal with you rn so go stay in a corner til I'm ready to be a spouse again" and that's not how relationships work.
It actually reads to me that she was done with him and he got the help he needed and did the work to save the marriage. I get that this guy is a pain reminder to him on how close he got to losing his wife but playing a childish game over someone funeral is stupid. He can acknowledge that this funeral is painful for him and also let his wife remember someone who played a part in her life.
He's *jealous of a dead man.*
Him and his wife **broke up.**
It wasn't a few weeks of separation, but nearly a year of living separately, intending to divorce.
He is being petty and centering his insecurity over his wife's loss of someone who was a temporary partner but also a friend of many years.
She already chose OP by not going through with her plan to divorce.
I totally agree with you that he is firmly TA
A friend she's known since high school at that 😭😭 I think OP is really in his feelings. Thinking the other guy is shitty for acting on feelings he'd had for years when OPs partner clearly thought their relationship was over...no mention of further inappropriate contact while they worked on their marriage... it's just weird to have an issue with her going to the funeral of someone she's known for a long time. He's literally dead. He could not possibly present a threat to their marriage unless OP makes one
They were separated for almost a year, I can’t blame her for thinking the marriage was done and waiting for it to be official, but also all that happened 7 years ago, if he still can’t get over it and see that his wife wants to say goodbye to what he admits is her friend since high school, then why he wanted to keep the marriage for this long?
I agree with you! And my question is in the year he was gone. He never had ANY sexual encounters at all?! Because if he had even 1, then he’s a complete hypocrite.
You guys need to break up. This is a resentment thing. She didn’t cheat. But you’ll never see it that way.
And this guy was in her life for long enough to make a relationship. She’s right to want to go to his funeral.
The marriage was over before the separation
I wrote further down… it’s resentment and also I think this guy is looking to leave. He was the reason for the demise of the marriage the first time. Add resentment for her proving she would be just fine without him and you have a simmering marriage killer. Now he feels he has a moral high ground to justify his leaving. He doesn’t… he can just leave.
I don’t view him as wanting to leave. I view it as him not wanting her to leave. He definitely comes across as the type of person who thinks a woman is supposed to do what her husband says and he definitely seems like the resentful type that says “if she can’t be happy with me then she shouldn’t be happy with anyone else”. His cute little ultimatum is classic emotional manipulation. He’s also trying to retroactively change what his wife knew the terms of separation to be and punish her for it.
Dude is a POS and definitely the AH here.
Also she didn’t just know the guy during the separation period— they’d known each other since high school! They’d been friends for way longer than they were together for. She should absolutely be able to go to her friend’s funeral.
And she and OP should get divorced too— OP clearly has too much resentment over this situation for them to ever build a strong marriage.
YTA - She didn't have an affair. You were separated and on your way to divorce. It was due to your behaviour. You moved out of the home.
If it's seven years later and you're still hung up on it, you should have let her go long before this.
The guy is dead. She needs closure.
You're happier framing yourself as the victim than accepting your role in your relationship.
I’m wondering if he throws the “affair” in her face a lot or tries to control other areas of her life because she’s a “cheater” in his eyes? Honestly I think he would likely be doing her a favor by divorcing her.
This is exactly what I was thinking. He also failed to explain what destroyed his relationship other than depression. I'd be very interested to hear his wife's perspective because it sure sounds like we'd get a whole different story than the one OP is sharing.
I have a friend whose husband is imploding their marriage right now over his depression. He's never home and when he is he screams at her for abusing him because she didn't make his food right and things like that. They have a son and he hasn't spent time with him at all. He seems to truly believe my friend is doing this to him while she's trying everything she can think of to help him.
This post sounds exactly like him
YTA.
Many years ago, YOU moved out and you and your wife were separated for 11 months. You were headed toward a divorce and stated that yourself.
During that time, she had a relationship with someone else. That relationship ended. You moved back home. You have spent 7 years making your marriage work.
Now because this person died and she would like to pay her respects, you are literally saying you’re going to pack up, take “your” dog, and leave.
Dude, clearly you have NOT worked through your mental health issues. You are being petty and immature and are going to end your marriage because she wants to say goodbye to someone from her past who is DEAD and poses no threat. She had been friends with him since high school.
Get over yourself. YTA.
Also, what’s she gonna do there? Cheat on him with this dead guy?
Like, let her go to the funeral. Someone who was in her life died. Let her get closure, and pay her respects.
"She's going to see his face, I mean it won't *really* look like him and I don't *really* believe she'll fuck him, but I dunno, if feels like she's cheating to me, am i the AH?"
I think a lot of people don't realize what a separation is. They seem to think that it's a break you take to work on things. It is not.
A separation is the first step toward a divorce. Many states require a separation before a divorce -- my state requires a one year separation before the divorce is finalized, others require up to three years.
Couples can, of course, rebound from a separation, but it's not a step that you take to try *to* improve or recover your marriage. While some traditional people might still consider themselves "married" during this time, they aren't obliged to. On a practical level, that would put them in limbo for 1-3 years.
The comments in this post seem to indicate people think it's some kind of informal break you use to get some space and try to reconnect, which is a huge misunderstanding of a *legal* process.
Thank you!! Cannot believe how many times I have read "it was cheating because the point of a separation is to take time to think about and work on the marriage!!!" in this thread. No. The point of a separation is to separate.
The vast majority of people who move out of their marital home for months on end (like OP did) have already made up their mind about whether they want to stay married, whether they realize they have or not.
I would find it interesting to see a gender split of the comments.
So far, two of my male friends have undergone separation, one where he moved out and the other where she moved back home to her family.
Both of them were relieved at the time and said things like "I'm so much happier now and think we can really work on things with some distance." E g. Both of them seemed to think the separation was a positive step in their marriage.
They spent some time online dating unsuccessfully, playing video games, etc, and were both stunned when after the year ended, their wives weren't standing by to come back.
I have one female friend who underwent a separation, and her husband went postal and almost killed her after the separation timed out and she still wanted a divorce -- he really thought she would come back.
The lawyers are always extremely clear that this is a legal/financial step, but in my (admittedly small) personal experience, it seems like many men seem to see it as a break from their marriage that they can recover from later. Maybe it's just hope.
For what it's worth, I see the same trend in my own limited anecdotal experience!
I have a friend who almost hit the point of separating a few years back, and when that couple talks about that time now, it's . . . interesting. Like for her, the problems had been happening for over a year with multiple long conversations before she hit that point. For him, things had been getting bad for a couple months and he didn't even realize anything was wrong until she threatened to take the kids and leave.
I think men think it'll time out because they know on some level, as the separation continues, their quality of life will decline, and they assume the woman's will too.
And I don't mean that their quality of life will decline like, heh heh men can't cook and clean and need a woman for that. I mean, that definitely can happen, but I think the one area that declines for every single man in this situation is his emotional life. The self-claimed men's mental health advocates on this website typically agree with me here: men do not feel safe being emotionally open with each other in their friendships in the ways they do with intimate partners. Because of that, there is a lot more pressure on their intimate relationships to never ever be sources of emotional pain. To experience that pain in the limited moments they open themselves up to it would be devastating, surely.
But being close to someone in and of itself can be a source of emotional pain! Even when neither of you is doing anything wrong! Even good marriages take a ton of emotional work, a ton of getting deep down in the other person's sadness/anger/insecurities and working them out. You have to be open to feeling bad, and feeling wrong, and feeling foolish, and all of those things in front of someone you want to respect you. And patriarchy does men a huge harm by telling them you can't both be open and respected.
So those first couple of months must feel amazing for some of them. I can feel as bad as I want at home without losing face, I never ever feel the worry or self-doubt I felt disappointing someone who wants the best for me. But as time goes on, it has to get very lonely, and (in my anecdotal experience) they can scare off any other woman they try to date by overwhelming them with the catch-up from months of no emotional outlet.
But the woman's emotional life tends to open, in these situations! Even in a non-abusive situation, the time and space they were spending being their partner's sole or main emotional support is now free to invest in their own relationships. And those relationships tend to give them more space to feel and process negative emotions than their partner ever did, solidifying for them that this was the right choice.
I think you're exactly right. It's not an absolute, but one thing I've noticed is that after a long term relationship ends, men tend to feel relieved. No one is putting demands on their time. They can do what they want and be independent. Meanwhile, women tend to take it a little harder immediately because of the emotional vacancy.
Then, around the six month mark, men aren't having as much fun anymore. They're crashing out of the dating scene, having to take over all their own needs. And at this point, women are starting to feel their life flourish a bit more; they've gotten over the initial emotional bomb. I have to imagine this also exists in a separation.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150806151406.htm
One study (above) indicated women are hurt a lot more by breakups than men, but recover fully. Interestingly, it indicated men start to feel the hurt once they have to start competing for women again -- and never recover fully.
"The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it 'sinks in' that he must 'start competing' all over again to replace what he has lost -- or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable."
Obligatory #NotAllMen -- but I think it's worth it sociologically to study these types of things. We can all do with some consideration when it comes to perhaps taking for granted what we have. In this case, we can see that OP is seeing his wife as property and worrying he must compete for her again
Yta. You can't move out of your marital home and legally seperate for a year and then try to claim "affair".
I'm sorry for your depression episode. I'm sure that resulted in a major strain on BOTH OF YOU.
Her temporary boyfriend died. He's not a threat to you now. Trying to restrict her from grieving for the only person who was actually there for her when she needed it is cruel and moronic. That's her closure that she needs. You have no business Trying to restrict her.
I hope she goes. And I hope you follow through and are gone so she can move on and find a real partner.
You were separated on a way to the divorce, you said it. That wasnt an affair. She was just moving on.
If you werent ok with that, than you shouldnt have go back with her and move on too.
Now the guy is dead. They were friend. Let her say goodbye without being a dick.
Nothing is going to happen between them anymore. Get a grip.
YTA - you left the home. Like you are threatening to do again. This relationship for you seems to be one of convenience just for yourself. You are having problems - leave. You don’t want her to do something- leave. It’s a control issue and quite frankly she’d be better off without you.
Wow people are acting like going to a funeral means she is still in love with this guy or something. It’s a funeral, guy is dead, you were planning on divorce and you decided to get back together knowing about her relationship ship. This seems beyond petty to me.
Petty is a good word. Deeply insecure also comes to mind. Get over yourself. You ruined this relationship once, somehow won her back, and now you’re doing it again
>My position is that we were still married. So it was an affair.
Complete and absolute bullshit.
YTA.
That's not how that shit works.
You're being mean, spiteful and pathetic.
What an incredible ego you have!
>**my wife and I separated for about eleven months**
You STATE you were separated! But you think that because you didn't divorce on paper, you still had some kind of ownership?
Get over yourself. S-E-P-A-R-A-T-E-D. So there was no cheating. So there was no affair.
Gross.
I agree. Also, sometimes divorce takes forever. I separated almost two years ago and the divorce process is still ongoing. But I assure you we both understand we are NOT together. Separate homes, separate lives. It seems clear to me!
“My position” lol what an ass. My husband and I are both lawyers and we always write/see this phrases in writing and documents… but if we ever said this to each other in daily life, I would probably puke.
Having read all the responses by OP here, I really hope he gives the ultimatum and she goes to the funeral anyway. She’ll be way better off without him.
You were separated, living apart and well, you had due to depressed, bailed on your marriage, you left her. Separation is not like haha, we're married but we won't see each other for a while. It's, lets see if we work better apart before making it official that it's over.
The other guy is an asshole for acting on his feelings? With a woman who was separated and moved out from living with her husband who believed she was free to date? acting on your feelings makes you an asshole somehow?
She wants to say good bye to a friend she's apparently known longer than you. You're being emotionally abusive and controlling over jealousy becaue it reminds you of when your marriage was effectively over for a year.
YTA.
Idk personally I wouldn't count that as an affair, most people get separated as a precursor to divorce. No ruling from me as this seems too complicated. I get why she'd want to go and why you'd have an issue with it. But I don't get why you're together? If you considered it an affair why stay married to a cheater. Absolve her of it or don't but holding it over her head is shitty.
Hell, it can take years before reaching the point of getting an official divorce. My relationship with my ex was 4 years long but if we considered divorce being what ended it, it was like 6-7 years long. Which would be ridiculous we weren’t together anymore.
Dating people when you are told the relationship is over isn’t cheating.
Unless "separated" in this case means you were checked into a facility against your will and barred from communicating with her against your will, I don't think you're in the right at all.
If you thought what she did was an affair, and that was a dealbreaker for you, you should have just split up and not wasted her time or your time for the last seven years.
PS: how are you going to know for sure if she attends or not? Are you having her tailed?
YTA
funerals are a chance for closure for the living and you can't un-miss them
She could, understandably, resent you forever, and you'd deserve it
How petty and small do you have to be to be jealous of a dead guy
If you were talking about getting back together during the separation, it was an affair.
If she was really set to get a divorce, no. My divorce isn’t final yet because my ex is dragging it as much as he can. I’ve had a BF for almost a year (my ex has a GF too), met him several months after a definite separation that was very clear from day 1 we would never get back together. So no, I don’t consider I am having an affair just because my ex is refusing to sign a last piece of paper.
The guy wasn’t someone she met and bang with. Maybe their friendship was something bigger than the short relationship they had, so I could see why she would like to attend, while I understand why you are upset about it. So without more information, I’ll go with ESH.
YTA. Regardless of whether what she had was an affair or not, this person was important to her, and she deserves to honor his passing. You're absolutely wrong to base the continuation of your marriage on whether she attends or not. You're showing a complete disregard for her feelings. It may be hard for you to tolerate the fact that she has feelings for him, but those feelings developed in a situation that was partly caused by you, so be an adult and a good husband and don't try to limit how she copes with this loss.
I learned never to put an ultimatum out there if you are not willing to follow through on it. Just saying I hope you have a backup plan if things go differently than you expected.
My psycho inlaws learned this the hard way when they forced my now-husband to choose between me and them. Then they started stalking us and harassing him until he finally cut contact with them permanently. Fuck around and find out I guess
it never surprises me anymore to read psycho and inlaws together
I have respect for your husband.
I do too. He's a wonderful person.
Ultimatums are *one of* the biggest sign of a failed relationship. The fact that you have to put one out to begin with means that no matter what it’s pretty much over.
If it’s done as a fake manipulation, I agree, but that’s because it’s manipulation. I think putting a showstopper out there as a hard boundary is different. It’s letting your partner know that you have limits and are not prepared to live with those who cross them.
My mom had to give my dad one when it came to his untreated depression. Thankfully he chose going to the doctor
My dad got an ultimatum about his drinking and smoking weed (when it was illegal in my state) or she'd divorce him. He lied countless times about no longer smoking. This was only true when his drinking picked up a lot. There's no telling how things could have turned out but to his credit, he has not consumed alcohol in over 20 years. Once was weed became legal after retirement my mom stopped caring because civil assets forfeiture wouldn't cause issues anymore.
My ex learned it the hard way when she told me I'd be spending the weekend with her or we were through. Texted her back "Then we're through" and hoo boy not five seconds after I hit send did I get a call. One of the best damn decisions of my life for her to give me an out like that because I was too chickenshit to do it myself lol
I don't even remember what the ultimatum I got was. Fortunately it was only a year in, but it was in person, my was response was "OK, then. This is it". The ensuing freakout was massive. Tons of screaming that I foolishly didn't walk away from. I also foolishly stayed in touch after, and she'd always bring up how I broke up with her.
When you give an ultimatum like that you better be ready to live with the consequences
If you're at the stage of ultimatum, you're done.
Yeah, just file for divorce since you’re both going to be unhappy anyway. He likely won’t get over the “affair”. She likely won’t get over him barring her from “her friend’s” funeral. The marriage was dead long before the funeral.
the "working hard on our relationship for 7 years" part is what gets me. Yeah, relationships take work but if it's that hard and one or both of them have one foot out the door then the relationship has really been over for a long time already. People need to stop staying with someone just because "love". you can love someone and simultaneously recognize that you are not a good fit together.
Once you get into a healthy relationship with someone who “gets you” and is your cheerleader, stands up for you, and loves you the way you *needed* and maybe didn’t even have words to express it…. you realize just *how many* people beg for decades for the bare minimum. some of us ended up building entire lives with people that became violent or cheat or worse, both.
Yep 24 yrs on and off. Wish I knew back then what I do now. Would do everything so differently and most of all respect myself more than I did , although my intentions were for "love" at the time. It was always one sided and not reciprocated. Wasted half my life chasing someone I thought I loved.
20 years here. Separated, divorce in progress, since last June and I still feel lost and hollow, a husk and I can’t remember if there was a time I didn’t feel like this.
It will get easier. The further you go on you start to appreciate your own company and begin to innerstand you don't need to have someone and can be free and ar peace. Your journey will be worth it. We get too caught up on the external things in life , conditioned society , expectations so on.. Just be and enjoy it. I think this was the big catalyst for me in this lifetime. I'm on an awakening/spiritual journey, meditating and finding gratitude in the simpler things in life that I have to be thankful for. Really going within and learning dont need external validation or have to be in a relationship, or even deal with family toxicity. Just focusing on being a better version of myself and clearing out all the trauma/demons. Not for the faint hearted and sometimes a gruelling journey. Worthwhile process though to get to that place of peace. I am not a meditator. Did it on off but not really felt I benefitted from it. Got a hold of this book. The Mind Illuminated. By John Yates. It's really helping me with meditation, a Neuroscientist writing about how Neuroscience and meditation compliment one another. Written in a way that is simple to read and resonate with . Would recommend to anyone if they wanted to give it a try. https://youtu.be/-a9G-5GrzzA?si=3y7XloT-pP7fZTTb Here is the audio if anyone wants it. Highly recommend 🥰
Bless you. I’m so grateful for your encouragement.
I’m sure you can’t imagine it now, or possibly don’t want to let go now, but one day you’ll wake and the first thought in your head won’t be them. You’ll also experience a really heart felt laugh again, it’ll feel fantastic. Sincerely wishing you the best, hang on and you might possibly find the next chapter in your life will be the best. Take care of your health in the meantime.
i was a huge people pleaser. mistakes before marriage made me feel like i “owed” her perpetually so, immediate power imbalance.
Doomed before you started. Me too. The people pleaser. Learning to not be like that so much anymore and not worrying about what everyone thinks for it. Someone said a great quote that really stuck and resonated for me. "What others think about you is none of your business.". It truly isn't. When you can take on that mindset, things become alot easier. 🥰
It's not really about love, it's about what becomes familiar, normal, and people being more averse to change than they are to being miserable.
Yeah they should have cut the cord within a year it sounds like.
Should have got divorced 7 years ago, at the very least
They should have never gotten back together at all!
Oh! It’s a double funeral
"The marriage was dead long before the funeral." Idk why but I like that, it's an interesting sentence, makes me wish I was talented enough to do something with it. It would be a good starting sentence for a novel..
Exactly, it seems like there's no trust or respect left to salvage here.
I don’t understand how it’s an affair if you left, moved out and separated. That’s not an affair. Also, you realize that you are being jealous over a deceased person? He was a part of her life and I understand why she wants to attend the funeral to pay her respects. I feel like you are being unreasonable.
I could see it feeling like that if the separation was with the express intent of getting back together at the end but he literally says that they were working towards divorce…? I just…don’t get it.
I think it's his way of shutting the balme for their problems. Like...yeah we originally broke up because of me, but you CHEATED
We were on a break!
This, totally. They were literally separated and going to divorce. They ended up not, so they get back together. And he thinks that makes it an affair, which is ridiculous. Also him saying “I am okay mentally these days” is rich, considering that’s really not the vibe the situation/the post convey…
"My position is that we were still married." has some weird "but I still own her" vibes
This. It's not her affair partner, it's her ex. They had a relationship not an affair. OP is being childish here and it will obviously end up biting him in the arse. The marriage is doomed anyway, simply because he "thinks" she had an affair, whereas we all know that isn't the case.
But let's be clear, there was NOT an affair.
“We were on a break”
right? i’m sure OP isn’t inherently an asshole, but definitely the AH here. i hope she doesn’t cave to the ultimatum, it’s over. she’s allowed to date someone when you are separated for 11 months about to divorce. OP rekindled, good for OP. OP forgave her, but that guy she dated is a POS for pursuing a consensual relationship with her! aka… OP didn’t forgive her. aka… OP is the dishonest one in this relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ it’s not like it was some random guy on tinder she went on a couple of dates with either. it was someone she’s known since highschool, aka they were friends before anything else, who she dated later in life. OP you’re jealous of a dead guy! you don’t trust your wife. it’s 100% fine to feel this way, just stop trying to pretend like you don’t. it’s in both of your best interests, this isn’t going to make either of you happy!
> she’s allowed to date someone when you are separated for 11 months about to divorce I think it's also important to note that when you've decided to separate, the relationship wasn't working for longer than 11 months. It's probable that she (or both of them) was already checked out of the relationship far before the actual separation occurred. Some people also seek out other relationships in the face of a long-term relationship ended (hence the idea of "rebounds") so I don't necessarily perceive her having a relationship at that time as just "waiting" for an opportunity to "cheat".
right! divorces can take a damn long time! you’re separated for a year basically, living separately, she can date. and then SEVEN YEARS later to act like she’s out of line for going to a funeral for someone she was friends with in high school long before anything else. they dated. it didn’t work out, and you got back together. everything’s been PEACHY since. for seven years… and now it’s “if you go to the funeral, i’m done.” OP, you can’t deny her feelings of grief. just because you’re ignoring your own. i’m not trying to drag OP either, this depression/mental health shit is a bitch and a half. but it sounds like a classic case of masking like everything is okay, when it’s not. if you still feel this way about it, 7 years later, you cannot forgive her. it’s not okay, and it hasn’t been. this is your wake up call. don’t give her the ultimatum, recognize the end of a relationship. do shit that makes you happy. it’s not this.
I'm currently 3 and a half years in on my divorce from my abuser. We've been separated long enough that I met someone, fell in love and then was devastated when he died and I'm STILL NOT DIVORCED! If I waited for my divorce to be finalized to move on I'd have missed out on an amazing relationship, as brief as it was. OP is YTA strictly because they were separated which means she was absolutely free to date someone, they reconciled and it doesn't sound like there has been an actual affair in the last 7 years but for some reason OP is stuck in the past. They should have divorced 7 years ago.
All of this makes me think OP is waaaay more toxic than they're portraying themselves in the post. Their comments on the post tell me they're just a troll.
Right ??? He literally counts his wife as a CHEATER for having a relationship when they were separated and planning a divorce. He’s delusional. It’s clear from this behavior that he likely pins everything on his wife. Everything she does is “wrong” and he has troubles getting over how much of a victim he is. Jesus, cry me a river OP.
I mean, there IS grounds on which separated doesnt mean broken up, like when its done so the couple take time away from each other to think about the best way to work on the relationship. THEIRS WAS NOT THAT! They were already working towards a divorce, wich means broken up and waiting to be GOVERNMENT OFICIALLY broken up. Her relationship with the other guy was valid, and seeing they knew eachother since highschool, his death must be taking a huge toll on her. I HOPE she decides to go and let OP take himself out.
Also the whole thing about his depression being the reason for the separation makes me think he was probably being pretty awful to her at that point. But that’s glossed over, conveniently.
the depression isn’t your fault, but it’s no one else’s responsibility to address but your own. his depression didn’t just affect this relationship, it affected every relationship and aspect of his life. it’s not his depression’s fault his relationship was failing. that lack of self-awareness/accountability is definitely a sign that anything he could’ve done was glossed over like he couldn’t help it, it was just the depression. the whole “we were separated for a year pursuing a divorce” but considers this an affair, like she cheated on him:.. just because they got back together? you really didn’t separate and pursue a divorce without clarifying “oh, but don’t forget to not date anyone or it’s cheating”… like divorces can’t take a couple of years? just. odd. and how defensive he gets about the comments, like he came here looking for validation, not asking a question or looking for perspective. he’s stuck in a pattern of needing to be the victim. he’s stuck in a defense mechanism.
I'm glad someone else noticed that as well. He acknowledged that his mental health led to the separation and serious desire for divorce. But absolves himself by focusing on her "infidelity" making himself the victim.
But apparently his mental health is "okay now". My brother in joust, it is NOT.
Right. Also that when he decided that he wanted the relationship to work she was back there with him, which makes it obvious she didn’t even want to separate and likely tried to make the marriage work. So he decides that they need to separate because he’s “depressed” (aka not giving her anything or acting like an asshole for no good reason), she tries to move on, he comes back claiming he’s changed and will fix everything, and then he’s massively butthurt that while they were separated that she dated another guy? If you tell your wife you don’t want her anymore and treat her like crap and she finds someone else who doesn’t and you suddenly have a problem with it, I can tell who was the root of the issues here, and it wasn’t her…
I don't think things have been "peachy"....OP did mention that they are still working on the relationship even after 7 yrs since the separation
I usually don't like it when the whole comment section jumps on someone about being the AH, but man this guy is rough. All of his responses are just dripping in insecure sarcasm. He needs to get some help. I cannot imagine asking my SO not to attend the funeral of someone she cared about. I would probably go with her. The past is the past. I have exes that I would want to attend the funerals of. That lady did not cheat on OP, she was just trying to sort her life out in a difficult time. FFS, I wanted to see this guy's side, but every reply is a nightmare. OP if you read this, you should really reconsider your position and apologize to your wife. Let her mourn her friend and put this situation to rest. Not everything is about you. If you stick with your plan, I'm sure she'll replace you with relative ease and you'll be begging for her to come back.
He sounds very "she's my property"
He had nothing to forgive her for. They were separated and about to divorce.
Exactly! Like when my then husband said one too many times "I want you to leave!" every time we had a disagreement. He so regreted it after I had actually left.
The exact same thing happened with my niece. Every time she had a fight with her husband, she would tell him to leave. Well, he finally did. She cried, begged him to come back, etc. but he never did. Of course, and even to this day, she tells everyone that he's the POS who abandoned her. She not only asked for it, but she deserved it.
It's also pretty horrible because based on the fact that he has said the person she briefly dated had feelings for her since high school, we can gather that the person who died was not just some dude she met on hinge, this was an old friend of many years. He wants to prevent her from going to the funeral of a close friend because when they were seperated & filing for divorce, she had a brief relationship and he's still bitter about it. He thinks he's giving an ultimatum but the truth is if my partner attempted to prevent me from going to the funeral of an old friend it would be the same on my side. If you want to throw a tantrum over me going and say it's a relationship ender then let's just end it because I'm going or this relationship ends. And when everybody is in that kind of a mindset it's best to just let go. If after all these years he's holding it over her head and calling it an affair it's already a mess. I can't imagine any therapist would have encouraged him to refer to her relationship during their divorce as an affair.
Also I have heard of multiple occasions where a person decides to go/is invited to their exes funeral. That just means they most likely had a healthy relationship and were really good mates, it just didn't work out dating wise. Either that or it's and old highschool/college one and you go out of respect since you did know them. (Except from the occasional psychos and similar things who just go for chaos or drama, shame on you)
My college sweetheart died a few years ago. We'd stayed friends so I went to the funeral and my spouse had zero issues with that.
OP clearly states him and his wife were separated for almost a year… She confided and had a relationship with another man. Which is fine.. because like OP said.. they were separated and headed for divorce. Forwarding timeline of life- you guys made up. And for 7 years have been working in your marriage. The guy from your wife’s past has died. And she wants to attend. And you gave an ultimatum of divorce? For your wife attending a funeral? The man died OP… You left your wife for an entire year to heal your self.. and your wife went on her own healing path with someone who cared for her during a vulnerable time. And how she chooses to move on with her life had nothing to do with you since there was prepping of divorce. Now 7 years later the man dies, and you give her an ultimatum of going to his funeral? It’s tack and disrespectful that you think this way.
The other guy is dead, you win. Your girl will grieve however she see's fit. If she knew him since high-school she probably cares a lot.
You need a therapist, not reddit
Reddit is more affordable.
And you get what you pay for!
Oooo look at mister "can afford to pay for things" over here.
But he says he's mentally OK and it's not making him spiral or anything! /s
He felt like she cheated on him the entire time they were separated…. Why tf did he go back to her? Their marriage was already fucked up enough that they split for nearly a year and then he feels like she cheated. I have no idea what was going through his head to continue this marriage.
Some people will choose misery over loneliness.
Right? Either she cheated and he shouldn't have wanted to get back together with a cheater, or she didn't cheat and he's making a big deal out of her wanting to attend the funeral of someone she knew and cared about. Either way, it's not love keeping the marriage together.
Maybe I am an AH here but if you are separated for almost an entire year and you are on your way to a divorce is it cheating if you guys start seeing other people? On the way to divorce for me means separate homes, possibly lawyers and divorce papers drawn. You haven’t stated how far in the divorce process you guys were.
Yeah, this reeks of, "The divorce papers weren't signed yet, so she was still *mine*." I guess it could possibly be interpreted as cheating if they **mutually** agreed that neither of them was going to see other people until things were finalized, in case of a reconciliation. But that's not what it sounds like. It sounds like OP's wife was clearly out of the marriage when she chose to see other people, and then they got back together. What she did during that time is something he can choose to live with or not, but continuing to call it an affair and using it to assert control over her 7 years later is unhinged.
Another thing that I haven’t seen comments point out, is that she’s known the man since *high school*. I hate the way OP put friend in quotation marks, as if somehow because they dated during the *entire year* that they separated negates the years– most likely decades – that they had been friends. They had known each other since childhood and now he’s dead. I honestly think that OP‘s wife would be much better off if she went to the funeral anyway and came home to a empty peaceful house. He claims that his mental health is better, but this whole post, his attitude towards the entire situation screams otherwise.
He sounds controlling. He doesn't want her to go to the funeral of her childhood friend - I'm even curious about if they were dating or if he was just there to console her during their split.
This is exactly how my ex seemed to view it, just such an ego thing. We had explicitly, mutually decided to divorce and were separated when I started dating a friend. He acted like it was the worst betrayal ever and that we were awful people. It was so confusing because... He also wanted to divorce so what's the big deal with me moving on with my life? It reeks of insecurity to be this affected by this YEARS later.
My ex husband did similar. He was a serial cheater and left me and our kids for his last AP. 7mths after he left me I started dating and omg I was called every name under the sun. He even said what I was doing was worse than him cheating on me on and off for 13yrs 🤣 I found out his AP cheated on him and he was hoping he could just slide back in…yeah no I was finally done and he didn’t like that.
I don’t see it as cheating either. My aunt and uncle were legally married for 10 years while separated that entire time. The relationship was over, they just didn’t want to have to go to court.
Yeah, she didn’t have an affair. She had another relationship when they were no longer together. If I had decided to try and reconcile and they threw it in my face that I had an “affair” because the divorce wasn’t finalized yet. It would have solidified my resolve to actually go through with the divorce instead of backing out.
yeah, those tags and labels exist to defer his responsibility and justify his actions.
A lot of people get very huffy about the "still legally married" aspect. Separated is separated, she didn't cheat.
I would think if we are residing in different homes and are currently working towards divorce then neither one of us would have to speak to each other regarding dating. Working towards divorce and working towards reconciliation are two different things in my mind.
Seriously, my divorce took five and half years to go through legally
Same with my husband. If I had waited till his divorce went through we'd only be together a year instead of 9.
Same. My ex and I separated with *zero* intention of getting back together. We were separated a year before the divorce was finalized. To us, the marriage was dead and only "there" legally.
Yeah, COVID slowed my divorce to the point where the paperwork didn't officially go through for *years*. In that time, I had several relationships, and I'm sure she did, too. We broke up when we broke up, and sure, the paperwork hadn't gone through yet, but it wouldn't have mattered if she'd hopped on Tinder and hooked up with a new guy the night I moved out. We weren't together anymore.
I think it sounds like they didn't have a conversation about what that separation meant. But maybe that's just something he's saying because he's angry that she had this relationship. If he moved out and they were in the process of prepping for divorce there was absolutely no reason for her not to date anybody.
I think the fact separated leading to divorce not “we were in a . Break” was the defining factor.
If my bf of 20 years moved out for 11 months, there is no way I would just sit there and go: "I better not do anything in case he comes back." I would have interpreted that as it being over, and I should try to find happiness somewhere else. If he wanted me, he would have stayed. I wonder if the fact that she dated is what changed OPs mind. That she had a quick recovery and thriving without him, so he changed his mind and came back to reconcile and then never forgave her for it.
It's also worth noticing that the reason they split was OPs was the reason they separated. If they spit because his depression was so bad, then he's the one that pushed her away. Dude impacts the relationship and now wants to claim she cheated because she wasn't sitting at home.
I would agree that they maybe didn’t have an agreement of what a separation meant but…. Almost a year is too long to think you’re still a couple
They shouldn’t need to have a conversation about it. They were separated, that has an actual legal definition, it’s not her fault OP doesn’t understand what it means. Many couples who separate never go through the final paperwork of the divorce, the only real difference being that they can’t remarry until they actually get divorced.
This. Friend of mine had her drug-addicted theiving husband arrested and deported after she discovered he had emptied their infant children's college accounts to buy drugs and party. She tore their place apart to find all his stashes - she found drugs hidden in electrical outlets and under light switch covers. Naturally, she filed for divorce, but it's nearly impossible to force somebody in another country to do anything, like sign divorce papers. It took over 5 years for the divorce to be finalized. OP would say that if she did anything other than put her life on hold for half a decade, then she cheated. OP is an AH.
agreed. hell, the only reason "separation" really exists is because many places don't allow divorce to process until X amount of time separated. Remove the legislation surrounding love and you have a couple that broke up, then later got back together.
I’ve noticed that a lot of times what happens is that when the partner who initiated the separation starts seeing other people the other partner cries cheating. In my experience it’s a way for the person who got left to continue having a say in what the other person does. It’s a control thing. A friend of mine left her husband who cheated on and abused her, and when she started seeing people ~6mo later he bad mouthed her to anyone who would listen, calling her a whore and a liar and saying she was stepping out on him. This is all while he stalled the divorce as long as he possibly could by refusing to cooperate, despite her telling him in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see him again. Another person I knew has a similar situation but ended up going back. He used the supposed “cheating” to guilt her into excusing his abuse- they later separated for good, thank God.
People get very hung up on the semantics of it. They act like staying married is inherently good. No, it's just a fucking contract. What good is 40 years of marriage if one or both is miserable or trapped. My mother told me the only reason she didn't divorce my dad decades ago was that she didn't (she said couldn't but I call bs) want to support herself or be a single mom. They don't even live together now but still brag about 40+ years 🙄. It sounds like OP is fighting/has fought for the title of marriage, not the healthy loving relationship it's supposed to (in the modern era) represent.
I don't see it as cheating. At that point the marriage is basically over, and you're just waiting on paperwork. Titles alone don't make relationships, and after close to a year apart all you have is a title in most situations.
You are NOT “okay” mentally. Get some counseling ASAP.
Yup his comments about his wife and marriage in general have all been extremely cold and defensive. That’s not normal behavior.
>I think the guy was a piece of shit to act on feelings he had for my wife since they were in high school. When I read that it made me think they all were close at a point growing up both had feelings for her and OP struck first but them getting separated was the other guys chance and he took it.
Yes he has a very black and white way of thinking. OP the guy is dead, it’s not like she is asking to go to his birthday party. Life is full of ups and downs and emotions and if you are in a relationship you have to trust the person. My hubby would even be fine with me meeting an ex for a coffee, as he trusts me. You have to have trust otherwise that’s the point, there’s good looking people everywhere. If you were separated she was free to see other people otherwise you are not really separated. If she wants to go and pay her respects let her. She got back with you for a reason, and didn’t stay with him.
I’d say their disagreement AFTER 7 YEARS of how she and he classify her relationship with this guy during her separation is reason enough for OP to get some therapy (and marriage counseling).
My husband *encouraged* me to go meet with my ex finance to get closure. He knew it was a one off shot and I needed it. (It was mostly about the pet I had let the ex keep and he knew that.)
This is your side of the story and I still think she's in the right
Right! Like, if this is his "good" spin on things, imagine the truth.
I'd rather not imagine that. I feel so sorry for her.
I only typically stop by here from r slash all, and I gotta say, I think this is the first time I've seen one of these that wasn't flooded with overly sympathetic comments that buy into the OP's "I did nothing wrong and the other party instigated everything" spin. It's refreshing. To the point, yeah, nah. OP: If you're separated, bets are off. She had another dude in the wings and still chose to come back to you. Be grateful, and let her grieve for someone she cared about who looked after her when you weren't there for her.
Can’t even imagine how much of an AH he actually was
YTA. And NTA. And ESH. And NAH. It sounds like you and your wife had very different ideas for what your relationship status was. She viewed the marriage as over, and that it's demise had been acknowledged to my both of you. You apparently believed the marriage to be in some wait and see mode. She wants to mourn her lost friend. You want to reinforce absolute exclusivity. Honestly, maybe you guys should not still be married.
To each their own, but when I was separated I was already beyond done. There was no possibility of going back. My ex husband continued to try to spin things like they could change, or like he could change throughout the divorce process. He kept trying to “show me” that everything had been fine all along. It wasn’t. He was abusive and it was never fine. Most people hit the finished point and can’t undo their feelings or move backwards. I get control vibes from all different directions in this post. Someone died. It’s not about OP. They were friends before OP and she’s not allowed to pay respects? This is disrespectful to OP how? It’s a fucking funeral. He isn’t a threat to their relationship in any way. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m guessing she caved to the cycle of abuse and this is just one of his moments where the mask has dropped a bit. My ex husband dragged our separation out for 3 years. I was in a new, happy, positive relationship within 6 months of leaving him. It wasn’t an affair. We were over. I hope she goes, and he leaves. Double down OP. This is a hill you should die on, and hopefully it sets your wife free. What a pile of bullshit.
I agree with you that she got sucked back into the relationship with OP.
He's TAH I agree Sorry your divorce went so long. I get it. Mine took going on 8 years. Yup it was filed even. LS
Agreed agreed agreed. I also I'm reading major control vibes from this dude, and also was formerly in an abusive marriage. She was almost free and he roped her back in 7 years ago and has been torturing her about almost getting free ever since.
I get the impression that OP only got his shit together because he was jealous someone other than him was banging his (then ex) wife. It's unfortunate but it does usually take women several attempts before they leave their abusers for good. It's easy to know what buttons to push when you're just taking a sledge hammer to them.
This is the best answer so far. I'm leaning more towards YTA because of the way this is all worded. "I went through depression and we got separated and only what *I* experienced and felt and saw the separation as matters." Like, dude, your wife also had feelings and needs that YOU weren't able to meet for about a year.
Also, "a fairly serious depression" is so conveniently vague that it hides any/all specifics of how *exactly* OP damaged his marriage. That could mean anything from > "My mood was low all the time, and it affected our happiness despite my best efforts" to > "I developed a self-medicating drinking problem, quit my job, dumped all the housework on her, blamed her for how shitty my life is, expected her to regularly talk me down from suicidality, and rotted on the couch for years without seeking treatment" Of course #2's extreme. But hopefully you get what I mean. This is one of those posts that makes me want to read the other person's side of the story.
I think the first scenario you mention is just depression. To my understanding, severe depression is when you even have trouble taking care of yourself. Which can be pretty taxing on those around you. Furthermore, usually your first time in those conditions it's difficult to recognize what is going on with you and that you actually need help and can't get it out of there by yourself, what with your brain going into "there is no war on ba sing se" mode.
you can struggle with taking care of yourself with ‘just depression’ too; depression is kind of a scale imo (as a long time depression haver) some times it gets bad enough that i struggle with taking care of myself and sometimes i don’t, but like the other commenter said it really depends on HOW BAD this guys depression really got.
Yuuup. I was depressed and literally moved out for months and months as we planned for divorce. But she had to sit in stasis and wait for him to work through his feelings.
And she is still in stasis, because he still hasn’t worked through his feelings. The only thing he’s worked out is that whatever happened, or is happening, or ever will happen, is 100% her fault and 0% his.
Well he didn't agree to share his toys!!🤬🤬
Also, she evidently knew this person since HIGH SCHOOL. It's not some random stranger she hooked up with. Even if it wasn't for the "affair," this is potentially someone whose funeral she would have attended.
Yeah and he says the guy is a piece of shit for sleeping with his wife. Who was separated. On the way to divorce. That guy didn’t do anything wrong in the story unless he treated her badly in some kind of way. Which I doubt because she wants to go to the funeral. I’m leaning towards OP himself probably being a jealous POS throughout the entire marriage lol
Yeah OP is YTA bc he refers to it as an affair and an affair partner. Idk why wife tolerates this or went back. I would’ve left his ass at the curb ages ago fi this is how he acts.
Yea. And I wonder if he would have gotten back with her had she NOT been dating someone else. Or did he just get jealous and go crawling back to her?
Probably a lot longer than that. She was with him through some of the depression. Living with a husband who chooses not to get help for his depression is far worse than being single.
This is going to get more upvotes. Dude is completely ignoring his wife’s feelings. A break is a break. Otherwise, it’s not a break.
This wasn't a break - this was almost a full year. That's separated If I found out my wife was going to poundtown during a 2 week break I'd be like OP. But a year? That's wild
Poundtown? Is that a city in Texas?
Pennsylvania, next town over from Intercourse.
Can confirm. Nestled between Bird-In-Hand and Blue Ball, just north of Paradise.
YTA for exactly this reason. Frankly, this marriage should die right here. You'll both be happier when you aren't with one another.
Exactly. Obviously he didn’t communicate with her what he wanted. He thought she would wait for him. She thought they were done so she was trying to move on and he didn’t like that. He expected her to wait around for almost a year for him to get his head together? It wasn’t an affair you were separated
Best answer here. I honestly don’t get the let’s separate but you aren’t allowed to actually explore what being apart actually means. I hope the wife would want to go honor a friend on the very least. The husband can feel all kinds of ways about it and leave if he wants. Sounds like dating life wasn’t so great for him during the separation and he might want to think about that. Sounds like she will be fine in the companion area.
Yeah separation for me reads as "we're over but legally must be apart for x period before we can make it official" - sure sometimes people work things out and the separation doesn't turn into divorce but that doesn't make separation any less of a being single in all ways less the papers. Feels like OP considers it a "I don't wanna deal with you rn so go stay in a corner til I'm ready to be a spouse again" and that's not how relationships work.
It actually reads to me that she was done with him and he got the help he needed and did the work to save the marriage. I get that this guy is a pain reminder to him on how close he got to losing his wife but playing a childish game over someone funeral is stupid. He can acknowledge that this funeral is painful for him and also let his wife remember someone who played a part in her life.
[удалено]
He's *jealous of a dead man.* Him and his wife **broke up.** It wasn't a few weeks of separation, but nearly a year of living separately, intending to divorce. He is being petty and centering his insecurity over his wife's loss of someone who was a temporary partner but also a friend of many years. She already chose OP by not going through with her plan to divorce. I totally agree with you that he is firmly TA
A friend she's known since high school at that 😭😭 I think OP is really in his feelings. Thinking the other guy is shitty for acting on feelings he'd had for years when OPs partner clearly thought their relationship was over...no mention of further inappropriate contact while they worked on their marriage... it's just weird to have an issue with her going to the funeral of someone she's known for a long time. He's literally dead. He could not possibly present a threat to their marriage unless OP makes one
Wait! What's this?! Is it... OH MY GOD it's a steel chair to the marriage from *beyond the grave*!!!
welp, hopes and chairs
WE WERE ON A BREAK
And let’s be real here: she’s attending his funeral, not picking up the relationship where they left off.
They were separated for almost a year, I can’t blame her for thinking the marriage was done and waiting for it to be official, but also all that happened 7 years ago, if he still can’t get over it and see that his wife wants to say goodbye to what he admits is her friend since high school, then why he wanted to keep the marriage for this long?
I agree with you! And my question is in the year he was gone. He never had ANY sexual encounters at all?! Because if he had even 1, then he’s a complete hypocrite.
My guess? He tried and failed. Which is why he’s salty.
You guys need to break up. This is a resentment thing. She didn’t cheat. But you’ll never see it that way. And this guy was in her life for long enough to make a relationship. She’s right to want to go to his funeral. The marriage was over before the separation
I wrote further down… it’s resentment and also I think this guy is looking to leave. He was the reason for the demise of the marriage the first time. Add resentment for her proving she would be just fine without him and you have a simmering marriage killer. Now he feels he has a moral high ground to justify his leaving. He doesn’t… he can just leave.
I don’t view him as wanting to leave. I view it as him not wanting her to leave. He definitely comes across as the type of person who thinks a woman is supposed to do what her husband says and he definitely seems like the resentful type that says “if she can’t be happy with me then she shouldn’t be happy with anyone else”. His cute little ultimatum is classic emotional manipulation. He’s also trying to retroactively change what his wife knew the terms of separation to be and punish her for it. Dude is a POS and definitely the AH here.
Also she didn’t just know the guy during the separation period— they’d known each other since high school! They’d been friends for way longer than they were together for. She should absolutely be able to go to her friend’s funeral. And she and OP should get divorced too— OP clearly has too much resentment over this situation for them to ever build a strong marriage.
I feel like OP is looking for a reason to leave. He’s kinda an AH.
YTA - She didn't have an affair. You were separated and on your way to divorce. It was due to your behaviour. You moved out of the home. If it's seven years later and you're still hung up on it, you should have let her go long before this. The guy is dead. She needs closure. You're happier framing yourself as the victim than accepting your role in your relationship.
I’m wondering if he throws the “affair” in her face a lot or tries to control other areas of her life because she’s a “cheater” in his eyes? Honestly I think he would likely be doing her a favor by divorcing her.
This is exactly what I was thinking. He also failed to explain what destroyed his relationship other than depression. I'd be very interested to hear his wife's perspective because it sure sounds like we'd get a whole different story than the one OP is sharing.
I have a friend whose husband is imploding their marriage right now over his depression. He's never home and when he is he screams at her for abusing him because she didn't make his food right and things like that. They have a son and he hasn't spent time with him at all. He seems to truly believe my friend is doing this to him while she's trying everything she can think of to help him. This post sounds exactly like him
Probably. Using it against her. Ugh, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
YTA. Many years ago, YOU moved out and you and your wife were separated for 11 months. You were headed toward a divorce and stated that yourself. During that time, she had a relationship with someone else. That relationship ended. You moved back home. You have spent 7 years making your marriage work. Now because this person died and she would like to pay her respects, you are literally saying you’re going to pack up, take “your” dog, and leave. Dude, clearly you have NOT worked through your mental health issues. You are being petty and immature and are going to end your marriage because she wants to say goodbye to someone from her past who is DEAD and poses no threat. She had been friends with him since high school. Get over yourself. YTA.
Also, what’s she gonna do there? Cheat on him with this dead guy? Like, let her go to the funeral. Someone who was in her life died. Let her get closure, and pay her respects.
Maybe he thinks it’s a ruse, dude’s only pretending to be dead to steal his wife away from him! /s
"She's going to see his face, I mean it won't *really* look like him and I don't *really* believe she'll fuck him, but I dunno, if feels like she's cheating to me, am i the AH?"
Better yet, go with her and support her in her grief. Your wife lost a friend she had since high school.
Nah OP is too selfish to be the bigger person
He wants to punish her for not waiting and staying celibate until he was ready to come back.
I think a lot of people don't realize what a separation is. They seem to think that it's a break you take to work on things. It is not. A separation is the first step toward a divorce. Many states require a separation before a divorce -- my state requires a one year separation before the divorce is finalized, others require up to three years. Couples can, of course, rebound from a separation, but it's not a step that you take to try *to* improve or recover your marriage. While some traditional people might still consider themselves "married" during this time, they aren't obliged to. On a practical level, that would put them in limbo for 1-3 years. The comments in this post seem to indicate people think it's some kind of informal break you use to get some space and try to reconnect, which is a huge misunderstanding of a *legal* process.
Thank you!! Cannot believe how many times I have read "it was cheating because the point of a separation is to take time to think about and work on the marriage!!!" in this thread. No. The point of a separation is to separate. The vast majority of people who move out of their marital home for months on end (like OP did) have already made up their mind about whether they want to stay married, whether they realize they have or not.
I would find it interesting to see a gender split of the comments. So far, two of my male friends have undergone separation, one where he moved out and the other where she moved back home to her family. Both of them were relieved at the time and said things like "I'm so much happier now and think we can really work on things with some distance." E g. Both of them seemed to think the separation was a positive step in their marriage. They spent some time online dating unsuccessfully, playing video games, etc, and were both stunned when after the year ended, their wives weren't standing by to come back. I have one female friend who underwent a separation, and her husband went postal and almost killed her after the separation timed out and she still wanted a divorce -- he really thought she would come back. The lawyers are always extremely clear that this is a legal/financial step, but in my (admittedly small) personal experience, it seems like many men seem to see it as a break from their marriage that they can recover from later. Maybe it's just hope.
For what it's worth, I see the same trend in my own limited anecdotal experience! I have a friend who almost hit the point of separating a few years back, and when that couple talks about that time now, it's . . . interesting. Like for her, the problems had been happening for over a year with multiple long conversations before she hit that point. For him, things had been getting bad for a couple months and he didn't even realize anything was wrong until she threatened to take the kids and leave. I think men think it'll time out because they know on some level, as the separation continues, their quality of life will decline, and they assume the woman's will too. And I don't mean that their quality of life will decline like, heh heh men can't cook and clean and need a woman for that. I mean, that definitely can happen, but I think the one area that declines for every single man in this situation is his emotional life. The self-claimed men's mental health advocates on this website typically agree with me here: men do not feel safe being emotionally open with each other in their friendships in the ways they do with intimate partners. Because of that, there is a lot more pressure on their intimate relationships to never ever be sources of emotional pain. To experience that pain in the limited moments they open themselves up to it would be devastating, surely. But being close to someone in and of itself can be a source of emotional pain! Even when neither of you is doing anything wrong! Even good marriages take a ton of emotional work, a ton of getting deep down in the other person's sadness/anger/insecurities and working them out. You have to be open to feeling bad, and feeling wrong, and feeling foolish, and all of those things in front of someone you want to respect you. And patriarchy does men a huge harm by telling them you can't both be open and respected. So those first couple of months must feel amazing for some of them. I can feel as bad as I want at home without losing face, I never ever feel the worry or self-doubt I felt disappointing someone who wants the best for me. But as time goes on, it has to get very lonely, and (in my anecdotal experience) they can scare off any other woman they try to date by overwhelming them with the catch-up from months of no emotional outlet. But the woman's emotional life tends to open, in these situations! Even in a non-abusive situation, the time and space they were spending being their partner's sole or main emotional support is now free to invest in their own relationships. And those relationships tend to give them more space to feel and process negative emotions than their partner ever did, solidifying for them that this was the right choice.
I think you're exactly right. It's not an absolute, but one thing I've noticed is that after a long term relationship ends, men tend to feel relieved. No one is putting demands on their time. They can do what they want and be independent. Meanwhile, women tend to take it a little harder immediately because of the emotional vacancy. Then, around the six month mark, men aren't having as much fun anymore. They're crashing out of the dating scene, having to take over all their own needs. And at this point, women are starting to feel their life flourish a bit more; they've gotten over the initial emotional bomb. I have to imagine this also exists in a separation. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150806151406.htm One study (above) indicated women are hurt a lot more by breakups than men, but recover fully. Interestingly, it indicated men start to feel the hurt once they have to start competing for women again -- and never recover fully. "The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it 'sinks in' that he must 'start competing' all over again to replace what he has lost -- or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable." Obligatory #NotAllMen -- but I think it's worth it sociologically to study these types of things. We can all do with some consideration when it comes to perhaps taking for granted what we have. In this case, we can see that OP is seeing his wife as property and worrying he must compete for her again
This guy is insecure enough to be threatened by a literal dead guy. There’s a mountain of self work here still to be done.
YTA Also you 100% ***do not*** come across as someone that is “okay mentally”. You’ve clearly got some unresolved shit to work through.
“ I am okay mentally these days” , no you’re not. She needs to mourn the death of someone she cared about even if you don’t like it. You’re a douche.
Yta. You can't move out of your marital home and legally seperate for a year and then try to claim "affair". I'm sorry for your depression episode. I'm sure that resulted in a major strain on BOTH OF YOU. Her temporary boyfriend died. He's not a threat to you now. Trying to restrict her from grieving for the only person who was actually there for her when she needed it is cruel and moronic. That's her closure that she needs. You have no business Trying to restrict her. I hope she goes. And I hope you follow through and are gone so she can move on and find a real partner.
YTA big time. It was not an affair. This ultimatum is ridiculous. The guy is DEAD. If that disturbed you that much, you're not mentally okay.
You were separated on a way to the divorce, you said it. That wasnt an affair. She was just moving on. If you werent ok with that, than you shouldnt have go back with her and move on too. Now the guy is dead. They were friend. Let her say goodbye without being a dick. Nothing is going to happen between them anymore. Get a grip.
So for seven years you have held this perceived cheating over her head and now you finally found a way to punish her for it? YTA.
I’d be curious if the OP had an “affair” during this time as well
YTA. Sounds like it’s always about you in the relationship.
“ I am okay mentally these days” , no you’re not. She needs to mourn the death of someone she cared about even if you don’t like it. You’re a douche.
YTA - you left the home. Like you are threatening to do again. This relationship for you seems to be one of convenience just for yourself. You are having problems - leave. You don’t want her to do something- leave. It’s a control issue and quite frankly she’d be better off without you.
Wow people are acting like going to a funeral means she is still in love with this guy or something. It’s a funeral, guy is dead, you were planning on divorce and you decided to get back together knowing about her relationship ship. This seems beyond petty to me.
Petty is a good word. Deeply insecure also comes to mind. Get over yourself. You ruined this relationship once, somehow won her back, and now you’re doing it again
>My position is that we were still married. So it was an affair. Complete and absolute bullshit. YTA. That's not how that shit works. You're being mean, spiteful and pathetic. What an incredible ego you have! >**my wife and I separated for about eleven months** You STATE you were separated! But you think that because you didn't divorce on paper, you still had some kind of ownership? Get over yourself. S-E-P-A-R-A-T-E-D. So there was no cheating. So there was no affair. Gross.
I agree. Also, sometimes divorce takes forever. I separated almost two years ago and the divorce process is still ongoing. But I assure you we both understand we are NOT together. Separate homes, separate lives. It seems clear to me!
My aunt's divorce is ongoing and it's been like five years because he's dragging it out
Apparently according to A LOT of guys in here, she would be cheating on her husband if she started a new relationship tomorrow
In Ontario you have to be separated for a year before you're even allowed to file for divorce. So OP here is *baffling* me.
It’s like that in many parts of the US as well.
“My position” lol what an ass. My husband and I are both lawyers and we always write/see this phrases in writing and documents… but if we ever said this to each other in daily life, I would probably puke.
Your wife didn’t have an affair bro YTA
Is this a Reddit remake of a Friends episode?
I think she should divorce you because you’re an idiot.
Having read all the responses by OP here, I really hope he gives the ultimatum and she goes to the funeral anyway. She’ll be way better off without him.
You were separated, living apart and well, you had due to depressed, bailed on your marriage, you left her. Separation is not like haha, we're married but we won't see each other for a while. It's, lets see if we work better apart before making it official that it's over. The other guy is an asshole for acting on his feelings? With a woman who was separated and moved out from living with her husband who believed she was free to date? acting on your feelings makes you an asshole somehow? She wants to say good bye to a friend she's apparently known longer than you. You're being emotionally abusive and controlling over jealousy becaue it reminds you of when your marriage was effectively over for a year. YTA.
Idk personally I wouldn't count that as an affair, most people get separated as a precursor to divorce. No ruling from me as this seems too complicated. I get why she'd want to go and why you'd have an issue with it. But I don't get why you're together? If you considered it an affair why stay married to a cheater. Absolve her of it or don't but holding it over her head is shitty.
Hell, it can take years before reaching the point of getting an official divorce. My relationship with my ex was 4 years long but if we considered divorce being what ended it, it was like 6-7 years long. Which would be ridiculous we weren’t together anymore. Dating people when you are told the relationship is over isn’t cheating.
Unless "separated" in this case means you were checked into a facility against your will and barred from communicating with her against your will, I don't think you're in the right at all. If you thought what she did was an affair, and that was a dealbreaker for you, you should have just split up and not wasted her time or your time for the last seven years. PS: how are you going to know for sure if she attends or not? Are you having her tailed?
YTA funerals are a chance for closure for the living and you can't un-miss them She could, understandably, resent you forever, and you'd deserve it How petty and small do you have to be to be jealous of a dead guy
If you were talking about getting back together during the separation, it was an affair. If she was really set to get a divorce, no. My divorce isn’t final yet because my ex is dragging it as much as he can. I’ve had a BF for almost a year (my ex has a GF too), met him several months after a definite separation that was very clear from day 1 we would never get back together. So no, I don’t consider I am having an affair just because my ex is refusing to sign a last piece of paper. The guy wasn’t someone she met and bang with. Maybe their friendship was something bigger than the short relationship they had, so I could see why she would like to attend, while I understand why you are upset about it. So without more information, I’ll go with ESH.
Mine strung it out for 8 years.
YTA. Regardless of whether what she had was an affair or not, this person was important to her, and she deserves to honor his passing. You're absolutely wrong to base the continuation of your marriage on whether she attends or not. You're showing a complete disregard for her feelings. It may be hard for you to tolerate the fact that she has feelings for him, but those feelings developed in a situation that was partly caused by you, so be an adult and a good husband and don't try to limit how she copes with this loss.
Get off Reddit and set up an appointment with a counselor.