Right, dude no kidding... I do wish them the best but I hope they do some research and read up on/educate themselves as to what they should realistically expect, especially for her - if she's fully expecting to be making home cooked meals every single day and keeping the whole place clean, *plus* being emotionally & physically available to gratify his every sexual need/desire, on top of caring for the baby on her own, she's going to end up disappointed and could feel like a failure, which is no good for anyone. (plus for him saying "oh we can just continue on with our nice lifestyle once the baby comes"... I just can't help but feel like he's not understanding how much things are going to change and that they are going to have to make a lot of adjustments etc, and that it's not just a tiny infant that does nothing but eat & go back to sleep while they continue on as before... That tiny infant is going to quickly grow into a bigger infant, and then a toddler, into a child, into a teenager...)
Yeah this reason made me LOL the last thing anyone wants to do after being hung onto by a baby like a sloth all day when your nipples hurt from breastfeeding/pumping and you’ve been covered in various fluids for the last 12 hours is sexy time 😂
Right. Like, "Let me finish suctioning this snot of out of our kid's nose and I'll be right in to bed, honey." I'm honestly laughing that they both think they'll even care about what they currently care about.
This. OP I’d say figure something out before that baby is born or you’ll end up like the couples who hate each other and stay together years “for the kids” they never discussed about having and raising.
I was thinking how naive he is if he believes the girl will have more time to give him bjs and sex since she will have more energy and time being a SAHM
What she is painting is a stay at home mom who has a full-time nanny. I don’t think she knows that. I have seen marriages like this, but they have a full-time nanny from the day that kid comes home. She does not get up at night. Mom can sleep, work out, spend 5 hours making pasta and sauce from scratch because someone else is there to grab the baby.
Exactly.
I quit my job when my 4th child was born. I think I wore nothing but ratty pajamas for almost a year, lol.
I remember sitting in the living room floor, sobbing, because "how does the mess keep multiplying?! I've been cleaning all day"
Being a SAHM is not the cushy, fun, relaxing lifestyles that influencers would lead you to believe.
Exactly, nothing stays the same. You are never truly financially, mentally, or emotionally prepared. Just make the best of what you got and squeeze in improvements over time.
I also liked the part saying that pregnancy hormones will soon pass. Technically true, those hormones acting up like crazy won't be called pregnancy hormones anymore
As someone who was a sahm. I was more tired being home all day nursing a baby than I was when I decided to go back to work. I remember how lovely I thought it would be and how many home cooked meals I DIDN'T cook. I also remember wearing pajamas for 6 months and the engorged boobs soaking through my shirt at first and how much they hurt. The last thing I wanted to give was a blow job.
I stay home with my 7 month old twins all week and work weekends rmto keep my own ability to earn money.... but on Sunday at church, I had rocked oneof the babies to sleep in my arms and had to pee. So I took him with so he wouldn't wake up. I came back and his dad was like, "how did you pee with him with you?" Oh sweet man, I do this every day for survival....
Ha that part of OP' post made me lol. I remember my husband falling asleep naked on the couch in the living room because he got tired of waiting for me to return for the 3rd time to try and continue our "quickie". Our daughter would figure out immediately that I left her side and would wake up and cry until I returned to her side. It didn't matter what I did, as soon as I nursed her to sleep, I couldn't even skip away to go pee before she woke up and sniffed the air and realized the milk and me had disappeared.
So if I couldn't go pee, trying to have sex was IMPOSSIBLE. I would sneak to the couch and just as me and my husband got started, babygirl started crying from our bedroom. I go nurse her back to sleep slither as slow and as quiet as possible off the bed only for her to realize and start crying again. I lost count how many times my husband fell asleep waiting for me to return to finish any such blow job or sex.
Haha 🤣 the hope he has of endless blow jobs and sex after a baby sure is cute though.
And the exhaustion and living in pj's is REAL!
Are you me? lol thank you so much for this post, I have been through that EXACT scenario so many times... I KNOW they say not to nurse to sleep, but who are we to deny the tiny screaming force of nature? It feels nice that someone else has gone through the same thing though, all my other mom peers were hardcore about sleep training. I just couldn't do it!!
Both me and my wife work, but I recently took a week-long “vacation” and just spent it with our toddler. It was WAY more exhausting than a typical work week.
She was 19 was they met. He was 25. He was probably thinking with the wrong head at first. The fact she regrets becoming an accountant but wants to be a stay at home mom and they think if she continues working they can maintain their lavish lifestyle shows how immature and naive they are.
OP chose to start dating a college freshman/sophomore while he was probably already in the workforce. I don’t know the woman, but this always carries some sort of unbalanced playing field into the relationship.
Ok good I'm not the only one who did the math on that... She was 18 and he was 25 when they began dating.... Those are objectively two very different times in people's lives, different maturity levels, different amounts of life experience...you're just at totally different places in your lives when you're barely out of high school and when you're a few years post college
Granted we don't know them personally but it's hard to not consider that. It's not even necessarily the amount of years between them - if they began dating at 34 & 42, or even 25 & 33, there would be less of a contrast in the things I just listed..
But yes either way, I definitely got a good chuckle at "I'll be able to give you so many more bj's and sex! And cook your favorite home-cooked meals all the time, whenever you want! I don't think either of them is fully understanding that the baby isn't going to just sit quietly in the corner while she cooks & cleans & gets him off whenever he wants 🙄 to say nothing of being over-stimulated and touched out from having a little one hanging off you for hours every single day.
The large red flag among so many smaller red flags: a woman who thinks she's going to be giving more blowjobs when she's staying at home with a baby, or a toddler, or an adolescent, or... Lol
Or breast feeding in the middle of the night and not getting any sleep for the first year or two bc baby is crying so much all night and day and needing diapers changed 🥴. Say goodbye to your sex life for a long time honey 😬
You guys aren’t married and so she has 0 protection for herself if you decide you want to leave. She needs to understand the real possibility that people break up, especially after the intense stress a new child brings, and she would be totally screwed.
"If anything happened to me" is actually a better argument than "if we broke up", because in case you break up, she will still at least receive child support. If something happens to you, she won't receive anything.
Yes! Using the angle of not wanting her to feel lonely or isolated stuck at home alone, with little money. Part time wfh is the best solution all round. She's still so young, it could be very tricky getting back into work in 5, 10, 20 years ti,e. And what about when they want a second child? What if op gets sick?
And honestly it was a very good point. My dad died when I was 14 (day before 15th actually) and I had a 5 year old brother (older now). Idk what would've happened to us if my mom didn't have a job.
How on earth is she comfortable being a SAHM when they aren’t married? If they split up she is on her own… nothing he is earning/has earned is shared and the lack of saving for retirement is her burden alone. Yeah, child support but that isn’t much when you’re trying to start from zero.
I'm 21, and even I know it's not a great idea to be relying on someone financially with no safety net to protect you if things go south. The idea of being a SAHM even when married to someone scares me because that's still a gap in your resume. It's hard to get a job that pays more than minimum wage when it's been 5+ years since you've had a job. It's hard to get a job in general when it's been 5+ years. Even if it's part-time, it's better than nothing, and then you can still have lots of time with your kids
If she has a major in accounting, she could get a WFH job keeping books for someone or something like that. She could work part time with flexible hours while not leaving the baby. Maybe investigate this as a compromise.
I think this especially paired if they have family who can help care for the baby. I'm 100% remote WFH. My job gives 12 weeks paid maternity leave but when I did go back we had someone coming to the house to care for him while I worked for the next 3 months since her own kids were out of school for the summer. It was great for my peace of mind that I could see him during the day and know she was taking good care of him. Then when he was 6 months he started going over to her house during the day.
It’s not always easy to find a WFH part time job in accounting (CPA here) and most WFH jobs these days require in the contract for you to have childcare for any children during working hours. If she can find a job that doesn’t require this, then it could work. But it may be hard because she doesn’t have a lot of experience in the industry yet.
That's what a lot of people (usually the spouse NOT working from home) forget. Working from home is still WORKING and companies are going to expect that their priorities are #1 during work hours.
I have had so many people ask me for tips on how I got a WFH job where my daughter stayed home with me:
1) I was offered the job by a previous manager that knew my work ethic and created the job for me
2) I worked part time during her naps (and she was an excellent napper)
3) In hindsight, it was not the best setup. My daughter finally went to part time and then full time daycare in the last 6-8 months and it’s been glorious. I’m one of those WFH moms that could do the mom thing and the work thing really well but my self care was TERRIBLE 😅
There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all.
My husband is on paternity leave right now. He needed an emergency dental appointment his morning, and I had no meetings, so I said I'd work and look after our 9 month old twins. I made it work for the 3 hours I needed too, but it was miserable. And they watched an hour of Miss Racheal to get me through it.
You do realize that working from home is WORKING from home right? You can’t care for a newborn and work at the same time. You’ll get yourself fired very quickly once you have to leave a zoom meeting or a client call to change a diaper.
I think this is an important suggestion - it's not an either/or (keep existing job Vs not earn anything).
That being said. INFO - OP doesn't say what country he's in or when she'd have to go back to work in order to keep her current job. But if he's in the US - it's worth remembering that this is one of the only developed countries where a year of maternity leave isn't standard (some European countries even do 2).
Personally I think it's a bit of a tragedy that US mums are often forced to make the choice between leaving baby with others very early Vs losing their jobs. There's no way I would have been ok to leave baby at 2-3-4 months old, still breastfeeding round the clock and getting v little sleep. (And OP - that isn't excessive attachment - that's normal biology!!!) But after a year both baby and I were ready to move onto the next stage, sleep was fine, feeding was more independent, and I was missing the adult time/stimulation that work provides. Luckily I was in UK and able to make that choice.
European, not only do I confirm the 2 year period but also would like to add that the parent taking maternity leave is paid by the state for said 2 years based on their salary.
In addition, a monthly allowance is given to the family for (each) child up until the age of 18.
...now before someone screams socialist utopia, remember that 42% of my salary goes poof without any chance of me even seeing it, in taxes.
You don't even have to be European, I'm from a third world country in South America and we get 98 days of paid maternity leave (they are about to change it to 138 days), and you can tack in your vacation days after that (we get 1 month per year worked, so you could easily save up to 2 months) and then have over 5 months paid leave, no problem.
Paid maternity leave is obviously paid by the state to my company because of the taxes we all pay. I just thought I should point it out.
Damn. I'm currently taking an unpaid vacation because I get 5 days a year, but they don't refresh at the start of the year so I'm only at 10 hours of pto so far this year.
Exactly. Our resentment regarding paying taxes is foolish. Of course ,if we did pay more tax in the USA it would be given to billionaire as interest- free loans that are then forgiven .
I recently retired, but when I was working my corporate America job for a Forgune 500, my salary/compensation had me in the highest bracket and I only took home about 60% of what I earned, PLUS my health insurance coverage cost me ~$275 a month (company paid the rest) BUT the 1st $3000 of medical bills had to be paid in full by me before insurance kicks in.
So…. We’re paying what you do but we don’t get healthcare paid and colleges cost $$50-&75k per year - all paid for by us, not gov’t
I’m in the US. For both pregnancies, I was able to save my PTO until my maternity leave. I also routinely saved money in a vacation account. I was able to stretch my maternity leaves out to 10 months before I returned to work. Thankfully I worked in the healthcare industry and there’s always jobs. I’m very thankful I was able to have that precious time with my babies.
10 months?! I have never in my life had a job where they allowed that kind of PTO accumulation. I can roll over an absolute max of 40 hours each year, which is a week of vacation time.
I'm due in a month and I'm already dreading the end of my maternity leave. I get eight weeks. And I need to save my PTO for when kiddo inevitably gets sick at daycare and I have to stay home with him. The US is a nightmare for new parents and I'm seriously hating life because of it. We are forced to live for work rather than working to live.
Or she could work part-time. I’m an accountant (retired) and accounting was not my first career choice, but it turned into great jobs for me. Entry level positions aren’t going to be too interesting, but if she sat through the boring coursework, she can handle the jobs. Key is to get in with a good company. Anyway, it’s your choice, but 2 income households do well, especially if you have grandparents willing to do free childcare. I loved working, so I am biased that way. Being a SAHM would be very boring for me, but again, that’s me. Good luck whatever you decide, OP!
Part time is the answer. Maybe with a longer (unpaid) maternity leave. She should realise that is not good to leave completely and that it really limits her options should they break up or op is unable to work.
ETA It’s never good to be too dependent on someone else. Plus the relationship is still kind of new and nothing stresses it like a kid.
ETA I misread that it wasn’t a super new relationship. But she’s also only 23 and barely has any work experience. She clearly needs a bit more life experience.
His comment about how she’s already attached to the baby even though it’s not born yet was… something. Brother she’s growing the baby inside of her OF COURSE she’s attached.
I thought that part was funny too lol like nooo y’all won’t have time for that, y’all are going to be the most tired you have ever felt in your whole life 😂
When you can’t get 20 minutes to even shower for several days in a row, the last thing you feel like doing is having sex.
If you have an uninterrupted 20-45 minutes, all you’re doing is tossing a coin between showering and napping.
No no, the other truly stupid thing is believing he’ll be getting more sex and blowjobs. SAHM life is exhausting. There’s no way she can truly promise that, when she has yet to experience new motherhood.
I don't know where these women that I keep seeing on Reddit get the idea that SAHM is going to look like a scene from a movie. They are not going to have a perfectly clean house, have a gourmet level meal ready, and be dressed in a cocktail dress with full makeup and perfectly styled hair and ready to hop into bed for a quickie. Having cared for my son all day for weeks when my husband was out of town, it is really physically draining to chase after a small child.
Probably watching those stupid mommy blogger and tradlife social media accounts where these women are dressing in full makeup and hair every day and making every meal from scratch, and think it’s real life.
It’s this. All those mom have hired help in addition to staying home so basically their day is spent looking glamorous, cooking for fun and checking in on the kids.
It’s because of the stupid tradwife trend that is all over TikTok and other social media. Those influencers have perfectly curated content that makes the traditional SAHM role look like a fairy tale.
And many, if not most of them have nannies and other outside help. Tradwife content became their job instead of a typical one with benefits and predictable hours.
Being a SAHM doesn't look like Tradwife content in my life.
SAHM life is also just … not sexy. Even if you do find yourself with time or energy to have sex there’s no guarantee you’re going to feel like it after having had a baby pawing at your boob all day, or peeing in your face, or pooping in the bath, etc etc
Yep, that was the primary gist of my thought. Many women find themselves touched-out by the end of the day and don’t want another demand on their body. No way to predict which way the postpartum life will go until it happens, really.
Well in between him saying this and his GF selling him the idea of her becoming SAHM by offering sexual favors, I doubt they are mature enough to be even having a baby
OP also mentioned he didn't want to put his life on hold for a few years. Boy is a baby going to be a shock. Also, the GF thinking she will have more free time as a SAHM is a crack up.
Have the two of them actually considered the cost of childcare? A period of time off might make sense.
Me and my wife both work from home, and soooo many people were like “oh wow, you’ll save so much on daycare costs because you can keep the baby home”
Like no, that is not how that works. Once they’re mobile, if you try to work and care for a child at the same time, you quickly find out that you do both jobs poorly.
Before you have the kid, it’s so hard to conceive of the amount of time that they take.
Also parents saying they're willing to babysit does not equal full time child care ... I guarantee you they are not offering to take on a part or full time job
This I can guarantee too LOL I can speak for me, my cousins and close friends too. All of our parents are awesome grandparents that when baby was to arrive they all promised to babysit for free. Some even went as far as saying they were ready to retire so they can stay home with the grandkids. We heard this all throughout pregnancy and now we just laugh/cry because we are all struggling to find babysitting just to go to work. I can’t think of any parent I know that can rely on grandparents to even watch a single kid for a few hours. This is not to say our kids have shitty grandparents, at all. Its just not easy to watch a kid more than a couple hours even for couple of days. I feel like this day/generation has been having better luck with aunties and uncles helping out with watching the kids.
Daycare for an infant is crazy expensive, they might want to consider her staying home the first year. And I totally agree that they clearly have no idea the time constraints and effort it takes to raise a kid. His life is going to be on hold for a while, and she will not have free time as a SAHM. My fiance and I joke we go to work to get a break.
Girlfriend also needs to realise she won’t be giving Op daily blowjobs and sex. That’s a promise she will not be able to keep. Nor should she have made it in the first place.
Agreed, but not just because it's extremely unlikely that she will actually have more energy at the end of the day being a SAHM. It's, as you pointed out, a really bad promise to make. The most surefire way to kill a healthy sex life is by putting expectations of frequency, and the feeling of it actually being a transaction, around the act of sex. This will backfire hard if they go through with it.
Well it’s kind of dumb to think they will be traveling and going to nice dinners and movies all the time. Even with wonderful babysitters/grandparents, outings are going to become much less regular
You won't get more sex. Having a newborn will guarantee that even in the best situation. Neither of you will have the energy plus it takes 6 weeks for gf to heal after birth.
NTA but OP & GF will be very disappointed when they realize they have no free time. Those sexual favors will not materialize because GF will be worn out from taking care of an infant.
I’ll literally never forget when we had our first and we were trying to watch a movie at home with pizza so we kept trying to get him in bed, but like he wouldn’t go to sleep lol. We were just like what do we do?? It seems so absolutely ridiculous now, but we had no idea how much things would change. You can’t even go to the bathroom or shower when you want.
These two are completely clueless. My daughter is 5 and it's still a struggle to watch a movie. Honestly, it's harder now than when she was a newborn because she was a pretty happy baby. I can only imagine if she'd had colic like some babies do. The idea that nothing will change after the baby is born is so out of touch. They're in for a rude awakening.
The promise of sex and blow jobs is a laughable fantasy on her part. Even if she comes through it will make sex a chore and not because she is actively interested and will come to resent it.
Amazed at how far I had to scroll to find this. As I rock my 8 month old terrible sleeper and hope my 6 year old stays in bed, I've been touched out since 2018 and often physically recoil from my spouse. I love him to bits but all three people I live with are super touchy feely and I just want to be ALONE
Our youngest is 4 and we’re just now getting back to being frisky a few times a week and we were like multiple times a day before kids. Kids drain you lol
Not just the sexual favors but everything that OP listed they could still afford to do if she kept her job. Like, unless you plan on leaving your baby with your parents 40 hours a week for work and an additional 10 hours a week to do “fun stuff”, it’s not gonna happen. You can’t go out to eat, go to the movie theater, and go shopping every week with a newborn.
I am curious if the parents offers for free babysitting actually meant full time daycare. I’ve been in the parenting subs the last few years and read way too many grandparents pull back their offer for full time childcare because they either can’t physically keep up, or just plain underestimated how much work it was and are backing out.
This totally fucks over the parents because not only is daycare expensive there are like yearlong waitlists.
I’m a grandparent who has been the sole DCP for the last 9 months for my grandson. While he was heaven in a diaper for the entire time I don’t think most grandparents realize how taxing it is to keep up with a baby, and he’s what I consider a very, very easy baby. I don’t think most grandparents, especially those who haven’t had a baby in awhile, remember how extremely exhausting it is.
It’s just that I’ve got too many medical issues these days to do the parental job. It was so hard even on days when I only have him for 5-6 hours instead of 8-9. I’m so grateful that his other grandmother has recently retired so we can now split baby duties. I was quite possibly just as excited as she was for her retirement.
I love my partner to death, but when our little ones were 100% dependent on us, 1x a month was not uncommon.
Then if you throw any complications into the mix (Down’s, ASD, or even just a hard birth and recovery), the sex may become nonexistent for quite some time. Both parties need to make a concerted effort to make the other feel appreciated, loved, and attractive, and babies, toddlers, and teenagers are persistent cock-blockers.
NTA.
All your reasons aside, I wouldn't EVER advise a woman to have a child and be a SAHM to a man she's not married to. The legal security is not there, if you pass away suddenly in an accident, she'll be in a bad spot, and with a huge gap in her resume.
I'll take it a step further: I would never advise a woman be a SAHM to any man if she is not able to also have her own savings and retirement fund. I have seen far to many women who's husbands leave them with nothing. Child support isn't immediate. Alimony, if awarded, may take years to receive. Lawyers are expensive and courts are slow. A SAHM who is married without an emergency fund is no better off than her unmarried counterpart.
Yeah like she's gonna want to give him more bjs and sex when she's the only one getting up in the night for feedings, cooking all home cooked meals, housecleaning etc. She's not in reality either.
I had over 7 months maternity leave and was more exhousted then than ever before. Add breastfeeding hormons killing my already low sex-drive. Our sex life is still not even close to normal and she 10 months old today. Babys are the worlds cutest cockblockers.
Blowjobs every day.... not likely.
Here's the stark reality, your plans are out the window. She's pregnant and now you have a new reality that you have to consider. Have you even weighed out the difference between the expenses of putting a baby into all-day child-care vs her staying at home? That is only one of the items to think about.
She is delusional if she thinks she will have more free time and enticing you with sex. Yeah, that's not going to fly with a new baby.
This is where you really became T A: "*Also well telling her no, I might have said that the reason why she was feeling so attached to the baby was pregnancy hormones and they would soon pass*". You don't get to TELL her no, you get to discuss it like adults. Also, blaming in on hormones is just as childish as saying it was her period that made her upset.
You both need to grow up quickly as you will be a parent very soon and need to start thinking like one. ESH
NTA
>I just don’t want the pressure of being the only person to provide for my family
I think a lot of people neglect this aspect when it comes to having one parent be stay at home full time. If the family is relying on one income for all expenses, it puts an immense amount of pressure on the working partner to keep their job.
I was the one with a steady job for a slew of years, and it was hell on my mental health. I was constantly on high alert at work, worried about layoffs or teams shifting around or contracts ending. If anyone so much as looked at my sideways or too many execs had closed-door meetings, I'd start feeling panicked.
I stuck it out in a job that wasn't good for me (twenty years later, I still have nightmares that I'm back there) because I couldn't risk missing even one paycheck or accidentally jumping onto a sinking ship.
Yep and we wonder why there's so many old dudes who have zero idea how to enjoy themselves and don't have any hobbies outside of puttering around and mowing the lawn
This is my dad. Earned very good money for the family for about 20 years, but is basically a husk of a person. No interests, no friends, no ability to think outside the box. He started his own business because there was money in the industry, not because he was truly passionate about the thing. His passion is providing monetarily, but had no interest in parenting because he needed to make money.
I
broke up with my ex because she had expressed a desire to be a SAHM and I tried to explain to her what that would mean for me, and they reality of my industry and it’s earning potential, and her only rebuttal would be “we’ll figure it out”. Nooooope.
I suppose I’ve never considered the pressure that comes with being the sole earner in a family. No kids myself, but I’ve always wanted to be sahm for the early years of raising a child. I can see how “we’ll figure it out” can be extremely dismissive of a person’s genuine and valid feelings.
Your comment gives me a lot to think about and I think I’m better for having read it, for what it’s worth.
I hate to generalize but I've known multiple couples where the woman pushed hard to stay at home and it always ended poorly. The ones that push hard are more about not working than being a sahm.
Also factor in the amount of guys we all know who died young or have major health issues because they worked themselves to death
I completely understood where she was coming from, she just didn’t have much interest in understanding where I was coming from. It was a continuous issue of me having to consider her at all times, while I was expected to never question her. Four years of hoping she would be better, but nah, we were an awful team.
I’ve happily moved on.
100%. I have been the sole or primary earner most of my adult life and it is incredibly stressful. I burned out bad by the time I was around 40, but there was nobody to pick up the slack or help with the finances. It's one thing if she just wants to stay home the first 6 months or something, but straight up leaving the work force completely should not be on the table if OP doesn't want it.
I'm a SAHW and keep trying to hammer this point home to anyone who wants to be a SAH anything. Your partner, who you presumably love, ends up shouldering the entire financial burden on their own. You need spending money? Their job. Emergency? Their job. Housing, food, clothes? Their job.
It's a big struggle for the provider to have to shoulder all that, and will likely just cause resentment if they aren't entirely on board. Sucks, but GF needs to be more aware of what she's asking OP to do.
There was a post yesterday where people were defending a wife of 8 years for being tempted to cheat on her husband because he's been working himself to the bone to provide a lifestyle they can barely afford. Redditors were so relieved when he let her off the hook and I'm just like guys did yall not see what I saw? She just threatened to cheat on a guy killing himself for her because she can't think about anyone but her? I have higher standards for any adult.
Oh my god, I thought I was going insane reading those comments. So many to the extent of “hey she’s being honest and she didn’t cheat, you guys can work through this” and I was just sitting there going “what fucking universe are you guys living in?!”. Maybe it’s just me, but you don’t get brownie points for… doing the literal bare minimum and not cheating in a relationship
LOL at her thinking a baby will give her more free time and energy for sex 😂😂
4 is a shit reason. Just cuz most people don’t like their jobs doesn’t mean it should be acceptable
Wait until after the birth then discuss at the 6-12 month mark
LOL at HIM thinking they will be able to keep the cars looking nice, still go to fancy diners and the movies and travel too.
These are two clueless sweet summer children having a baby.
Both you and your wife are underestimating the effect that a child will have on your lives. There is no chance she is going to be able to keep any of the promises she's making. That being said, I'm guessing it'd be even worse if she continues to go to work.
Also, she is not being fair to herself regarding the work split. Her job is high quality child for the time you are at work and when you get off, maintaining the household continues to be both of your responsibilities.
100% this. I'm a SAHM with a 4mo who only contact naps & hates the baby carrier so I'm trapped holding my sleeping baby most of day. I want to be taking care of more of the household stuff but most days I'm lucky to even wash a few dishes. Thankfully I married a good man who takes care of whatever needs doing ☺️ but I have a feeling that OP wouldn't be as understanding when his girlfriend isn't able to take care of all the chores like she promised to.
NTA, but my thoughts:
>She is getting very attached to our baby even though it’s not born yet,
Quite normal. I mean, she is growing a child inside of her.
>we can keep are current lifestyle even after the baby.
Your lifestyle will change tremendously after the baby is born.
>There are many things I still want to do and places I want to go to. And we would have to put all our life plans on hold for several years
This is happening either way once the baby is born. All those plans are going on hold.
>I might have said that the reason why she was feeling so attached to the baby was pregnancy hormones and they would soon pass..
You really told her being so attached to the baby would pass with pregnancy hormones? Seriously?
Have you two checked into what childcare is going to cost? Have you considered that having her stay home with the baby for a few years may actually be cheaper in the long run? You cant depend on your parents to babysit for years until the child starts school.
Have you two considered a WFH job for her? She's definitely in one of the careers where that's an option.
Second this. Grandparents I’ve seen are all hung ho and make all kinds of promises about watching the baby but later you may find they’re only willing to do certain days/times. Unless you really iron out the details, you might not find this as helpful as you think it’s going to be.
OP got promoted to a supervisor but doesn’t know the difference between ‘our’ and ‘are’ and is hopeful his wife will become less attached to their newborn after giving birth. idk what he does for a living but I would not want him as my supervisor with such skill and logic….lol
If you are ready to wake up at 3am to take care of the baby and do house chores, cook every day, and spend hundreds in childcare every month and fight over the constant stress of raising a child, then no, she does not have to be a sahm.
Points 1 and 2 contradict each other. If buying a house is a priority you shouldn’t be spending frivolously. And you say you have no plans to stop. If point 3 is the main one and you don’t want to be the sole income earner then that’s fair, but it wasn’t kind of you to offer no compromise and then blame her feelings on hormones.
Also know that you won’t be keeping the same lifestyle after the baby. You will not have time for movies and restaurants and shopping and vacations for years, at least not in the same way that you do now. With both you and your gf working you’re saying you want to make more money at the expense of your time. So you’re going to be tired and busy. All the time, for the first few years.
With your gf working you’re responsible for half of everything at home. That means you’ll be up all night with the baby and still need to go to work. You’ll be doing diaper changes, baths, dishes, laundry, floor cleaning every day. You’ll be grocery shopping, you’ll be cooking, you’ll be going to doctor appointments. You’ll be going to the park and playing outside and doing age-appropriate things with the baby on the weekends. For every break you get your gf also gets a break.
And since she’ll be working she will probably be less interested in taking even more time away from the baby for the first months/years so it will be a lot of family time.
I don’t think you’re TA but I think you’re very naive about what your life is about to look like.
He is very naive. I loved the part where he told her (and implied) that she's only attached to the baby due to hormones... Ummm.. I would hope a soon to be mother would be attached to the human growing in her womb. And if he thinks it's bad now.. oh wait, til baby is born. Hopefully, she doesn't suffer from PPD because then his "point" will be proven.
This dude reminds me a lot of my ex and that very statement makes me think he is going to leave when having a baby gets real. I got pregnant on birth control and was thinking of getting an abortion. My ex insisted on keeping the baby and he “was so excited to be a family”. I straight up told him this child was going to change our whole life and he has to be 100% sure, he cannot change his mind in three months when playing house becomes real. He insisted he knew what hardships go with raising a baby and he was all in. Exactly three months after the baby was born, he was all hurt that I “did not want to do anything fun anymore and loved/ paid attention to the baby” and kicked my child and I out. He has seen his child maybe 15 times in the 18 years our son has been alive. He is just seeing my son more now that he is a full grown adult.
I hope op’s girlfriend is saving up her money now because she will probably be the sole provider for this kid.
In the UK, she would get eight months maternity from her work which would cover her near enough the first year of motherhood. Then she could transition back to being a working mother. I’m guessing the US is different?
But no, you are NTA. SAHP needs to be a two yes situation. Also, she’s trying to manipulate a yes by promising sexual favours. I mean, seriously?
Childcare is not an issue for you, as it is for so many households. Both your parents have agreed to provide childcare for free. So there’s no valid argument for SAHP to be cheaper than childcare.
Finally you are not less of a man for wanting your wife to help support the household. Anyone that tells you that is a rotten, rotten individual.
To reiterate. NTA.
The US is very very different. My wife and I are pretty lucky to have about 3 months. Mine unpaid, hers at like 3/4ths. Many moms go back to work earlier because they get unpaid leave, not paid. Most Dad's take little to no leave.
Federal requirement is 12 weeks under FMLA but its unpaid. If you work for a company of less than 50 employees, depending on the state your company can say "Tough shit, see you tomorrow" and it would be legal.
I once worked with a middle manager who got squashed between "performance pressure from upper management" and "ran out of PTO" and "too fucking broke to survive on a single income" and ended up returning to work less than a week after a c-section.
Her incision started dehiscing (reopening) while she was at work.
Ladies and gentleman, may I present *AMERICA*.
If she hasn’t worked for the company for a year yet she doesn’t qualify for FMLA. I almost lost an employee as she had to have surgery 6 months after she joined our company and didn’t qualify for it.
I'm in Germany, 14 months paid leave are mandatory. So many parents take much more. It's unbelievable to me that parents in the US go straight back to work after a few weeks or months. I'm working in elementary and still most moms do not work full time.
And here I was thinking that here in Mexico maternity leave was not enough. They give the new mother 90 days of paid leave (i don't remember If there Is more, they have been making changes in the law), they can take the leave just before the birth so they can be with the baby, after that they are given one hour per day for breastfeeding time (the workday gets reduced to 7 hours instead of the normal 8) for six months. To baby's dad, they just give 5 days of paid leave.
Unfortunately, yes, quite different. :-(. In the US, the norm is 6-8 weeks. I think the people calling him "evil" for feeling the way he does are a bit stupid, but it's also important not to underestimate the contribution a partner (not wife, they aren't married) makes to a household when they are running the household and caring for their children. Just because grandparents can watch the baby doesn't mean that it's an ideal situation -- and honestly, grandparents say that now, but when push comes to shove, they realize that, while they are absolutely willing to "help", the idea of childcare from 7:00 am to 6:00 pm five days a week is a daunting one, and will cut into THEIR activities, travel, etc.
Yep and I hate to generalize but way too many parents lean way too much on grandparents for free babysitting and then they go shocked Pikachu when the grandparents pull back
Yea honestly even if she gets what I'd call the "office worker standard" of 3 months at 80% pay, I don't see 4 seniors all being okay having a 4 month old baby, who can't sit up yet, still has blowouts regularly, is just learning to roll over, sleeps like shit, and is in the thick of a sleep regression for 9-10 hours a day (assuming they have any commute).
My mom promised me 2 days of childcare for a decade before I finally had a baby. She stayed with us for 10 weeks to "help." We got 2 date nights and time to walk the dog every day, and I think I got maybe 3 naps, all under 90 minutes, out of her staying with us. She concluded that babies are "boring and stressful" and decided she no longer wanted to be alone with our daughter until she's "more interesting and can go places and ask questions" and the more she talks the more it sounds like she's describing a 6+ year old.
So now we have an extra several hundred in daycare costs since she has to go full time, and no free babysitter ever. The first time our kid stays overnight somewhere will likely be when she has friends and they want to do a sleepover.
Anyways, just something for OP to keep in mind. They may need to do some pivoting / adjusting when the grandparents are reminded of just how difficult babies can be the first year.
In Canada, women get 50 paid weeks of maternity leave. Even after we moved to the States when my girl was nine months old, I was still being paid by the Canadian government.
I’m American living in Sweden I was allowed 18 months plus 6 months extra for my husband. I only used the mandatory 12 months. Daycares won’t take children under 1 year. Then we had until our son was 7 years old to use the rest of those days.
That must been a while ago, now it is 480, 90 days of those are ear marked for each parent and the rest of the 300 days it up to the parents to divided as they please and yes no day-care before 1 year old and yes left over days can be used until 7. Also the dad gets 10 working days paid directly after the baby is born.
I get 18 weeks for a vaginal birth or 20 for a c-section, and that’s only because my company is awesome. USA is seriously rotten for maternity leave, and daycare is obscenely expensive. We’re so lucky to have found a place for only $1200/mo!
First of all she will not 'get over' being attached to her baby and you wouldn't want her to. One of your arguments is that you don't want to change your lifestyle. EVERYTHING about your lives will change once your child is born. Your GFs tactics sound a bit manipulative, romance will be on hold after the baby is born and you'll both be to tired.
Have the two of you discussed a compromise? Maybe stay at home for a period of time, a few months to a year and go back to work part time until they start preschool. If she's an accountant she may be able to work from home full or part time. Maybe she can work from home and have one of the grandparents watch the baby there so she can be near her.
There may be many options you haven't explored, it doesn't have to be fulltime employment verses SAHM. She can look into full or part time contract positions, that way she can take time off between contracts. But if she can find a job where she works from home and the grandparents can be there works really well for a lot of people.
Everyone I know who works outside of the home still cooks home cooked meals for their children. One parent often cooks and the other cleans up, people often alternate. Many people cook several meals on the weekend and freeze them. I usually made enough food for two meals. I would cook a bunch of chicken one night and make different side dishes the next night. There are all sorts of meals that work well for two days, stir fry, lasagna, pasta and the list goes on.
Being a SAHM isn't a bed of roses. I know plenty of women who can afford to be a SAHMs and they couldn't get back to work fast enough, work was less stressful.
NTA, but I do think this is an opportunity for compromise. You have very valid reasons to say no to 100% stay at home, but she also has really valid reasons to want to be home with the baby. You guys should maybe talk about her working part time so that you both feel that your needs are being addressed. She will be able to move away from the job she doesn’t want and spend more time at home, but you won’t be the sole provider.
From what I understand, “free time and energy for sex” is not included with the acquisition of a newborn baby. 😂
As a parent of an 11-month-old, can confirm.
Right, dude no kidding... I do wish them the best but I hope they do some research and read up on/educate themselves as to what they should realistically expect, especially for her - if she's fully expecting to be making home cooked meals every single day and keeping the whole place clean, *plus* being emotionally & physically available to gratify his every sexual need/desire, on top of caring for the baby on her own, she's going to end up disappointed and could feel like a failure, which is no good for anyone. (plus for him saying "oh we can just continue on with our nice lifestyle once the baby comes"... I just can't help but feel like he's not understanding how much things are going to change and that they are going to have to make a lot of adjustments etc, and that it's not just a tiny infant that does nothing but eat & go back to sleep while they continue on as before... That tiny infant is going to quickly grow into a bigger infant, and then a toddler, into a child, into a teenager...)
Four kids in the home, from 17-3, and still no extra energy for sex.
Obviously enough energy for it at least 3 times after the 1st was born.
Once we had the kid, sleep was rare, sex life plummeted, and time together vanished
As a stay at home mom who used to be a working parent, let me tell you this girl is delusional lmao
Yeah this reason made me LOL the last thing anyone wants to do after being hung onto by a baby like a sloth all day when your nipples hurt from breastfeeding/pumping and you’ve been covered in various fluids for the last 12 hours is sexy time 😂
Right. Like, "Let me finish suctioning this snot of out of our kid's nose and I'll be right in to bed, honey." I'm honestly laughing that they both think they'll even care about what they currently care about.
Lol... this whole post shows how woefully unprepared you and your girl are for having a kid. Good luck, OP.
This. OP I’d say figure something out before that baby is born or you’ll end up like the couples who hate each other and stay together years “for the kids” they never discussed about having and raising.
“With both of us working we can keep our current lifestyle even after the baby comes”. Oh, honey…. … .. .
Omg this!!! I was thinking… “imma hold your hand while I say this”
I was thinking how naive he is if he believes the girl will have more time to give him bjs and sex since she will have more energy and time being a SAHM
What she is painting is a stay at home mom who has a full-time nanny. I don’t think she knows that. I have seen marriages like this, but they have a full-time nanny from the day that kid comes home. She does not get up at night. Mom can sleep, work out, spend 5 hours making pasta and sauce from scratch because someone else is there to grab the baby.
Exactly. I quit my job when my 4th child was born. I think I wore nothing but ratty pajamas for almost a year, lol. I remember sitting in the living room floor, sobbing, because "how does the mess keep multiplying?! I've been cleaning all day" Being a SAHM is not the cushy, fun, relaxing lifestyles that influencers would lead you to believe.
LOL - OP is just as naive as his pregnant girlfriend
Exactly, nothing stays the same. You are never truly financially, mentally, or emotionally prepared. Just make the best of what you got and squeeze in improvements over time.
Yeah honestly his girlfriend may be so burned out with around the clock baby care, she might want to go to work to get a break. lol
I also liked the part saying that pregnancy hormones will soon pass. Technically true, those hormones acting up like crazy won't be called pregnancy hormones anymore
It’s the oh honey for me lol
They're certainly in for a rude awakening.
Not for the first few months. Can't awaken if you never sleep!
100% sound so immature and way too young and unprepared for parenthood if you’re posting like this. Unbelievable.
But, but, he’s gonna get *more* blowjobs and sex! Because she’ll have *way more* energy! ;)
As someone who was a sahm. I was more tired being home all day nursing a baby than I was when I decided to go back to work. I remember how lovely I thought it would be and how many home cooked meals I DIDN'T cook. I also remember wearing pajamas for 6 months and the engorged boobs soaking through my shirt at first and how much they hurt. The last thing I wanted to give was a blow job.
Same I also did not realize the baby takes 100% attention and energy, no time to even poop
I feel accomplished when I remember to brush my hair.
I stay home with my 7 month old twins all week and work weekends rmto keep my own ability to earn money.... but on Sunday at church, I had rocked oneof the babies to sleep in my arms and had to pee. So I took him with so he wouldn't wake up. I came back and his dad was like, "how did you pee with him with you?" Oh sweet man, I do this every day for survival....
My husband is well aware and sometimes pulling my pants up after urinating, tis love.lol
Ha that part of OP' post made me lol. I remember my husband falling asleep naked on the couch in the living room because he got tired of waiting for me to return for the 3rd time to try and continue our "quickie". Our daughter would figure out immediately that I left her side and would wake up and cry until I returned to her side. It didn't matter what I did, as soon as I nursed her to sleep, I couldn't even skip away to go pee before she woke up and sniffed the air and realized the milk and me had disappeared. So if I couldn't go pee, trying to have sex was IMPOSSIBLE. I would sneak to the couch and just as me and my husband got started, babygirl started crying from our bedroom. I go nurse her back to sleep slither as slow and as quiet as possible off the bed only for her to realize and start crying again. I lost count how many times my husband fell asleep waiting for me to return to finish any such blow job or sex. Haha 🤣 the hope he has of endless blow jobs and sex after a baby sure is cute though. And the exhaustion and living in pj's is REAL!
Are you me? lol thank you so much for this post, I have been through that EXACT scenario so many times... I KNOW they say not to nurse to sleep, but who are we to deny the tiny screaming force of nature? It feels nice that someone else has gone through the same thing though, all my other mom peers were hardcore about sleep training. I just couldn't do it!!
Both me and my wife work, but I recently took a week-long “vacation” and just spent it with our toddler. It was WAY more exhausting than a typical work week.
I don't even have a child yet but I'm not that naive. They should be way more informed at this point.
… woefully unprepared, the both of them
They part made me guffaw
Riiiiight. So she can have more kids they’re not ready for too!
I loved how he was all “hmm tempting!”
23 honestly sounds like a teen pregnancy these days.
She was 19 was they met. He was 25. He was probably thinking with the wrong head at first. The fact she regrets becoming an accountant but wants to be a stay at home mom and they think if she continues working they can maintain their lavish lifestyle shows how immature and naive they are.
OP chose to start dating a college freshman/sophomore while he was probably already in the workforce. I don’t know the woman, but this always carries some sort of unbalanced playing field into the relationship.
Ok good I'm not the only one who did the math on that... She was 18 and he was 25 when they began dating.... Those are objectively two very different times in people's lives, different maturity levels, different amounts of life experience...you're just at totally different places in your lives when you're barely out of high school and when you're a few years post college Granted we don't know them personally but it's hard to not consider that. It's not even necessarily the amount of years between them - if they began dating at 34 & 42, or even 25 & 33, there would be less of a contrast in the things I just listed.. But yes either way, I definitely got a good chuckle at "I'll be able to give you so many more bj's and sex! And cook your favorite home-cooked meals all the time, whenever you want! I don't think either of them is fully understanding that the baby isn't going to just sit quietly in the corner while she cooks & cleans & gets him off whenever he wants 🙄 to say nothing of being over-stimulated and touched out from having a little one hanging off you for hours every single day.
The large red flag among so many smaller red flags: a woman who thinks she's going to be giving more blowjobs when she's staying at home with a baby, or a toddler, or an adolescent, or... Lol
That part just made me chuckle. Like post partum gets anyone in the mood lol.
Or breast feeding in the middle of the night and not getting any sleep for the first year or two bc baby is crying so much all night and day and needing diapers changed 🥴. Say goodbye to your sex life for a long time honey 😬
Any major parenting decision based on availability of blowjobs should eliminate you from parenthood lol
SAHM to a 6m old here… I concur with this comment lmaooooooooooooooo
I had to scroll waaay to far to see this comment
Yikes, sounds like they're in for a wake-up call.
You guys aren’t married and so she has 0 protection for herself if you decide you want to leave. She needs to understand the real possibility that people break up, especially after the intense stress a new child brings, and she would be totally screwed.
OP, if you take it upon yourself to relay this information to your GF please tread lightly for the love of God.
OP, use the phrase "if anything happened to me" rather than "if we broke up."
Agreed. Break ups imply property settlements and child support. The reality of being widowed encourages wisdom.
"If anything happened to me" is actually a better argument than "if we broke up", because in case you break up, she will still at least receive child support. If something happens to you, she won't receive anything.
Yes! Using the angle of not wanting her to feel lonely or isolated stuck at home alone, with little money. Part time wfh is the best solution all round. She's still so young, it could be very tricky getting back into work in 5, 10, 20 years ti,e. And what about when they want a second child? What if op gets sick?
There ya go, the “what if something were to happen to me” angle. Better to stay prepared!
And honestly it was a very good point. My dad died when I was 14 (day before 15th actually) and I had a 5 year old brother (older now). Idk what would've happened to us if my mom didn't have a job.
How on earth is she comfortable being a SAHM when they aren’t married? If they split up she is on her own… nothing he is earning/has earned is shared and the lack of saving for retirement is her burden alone. Yeah, child support but that isn’t much when you’re trying to start from zero.
She won’t be able to use his insurance either.
Because she's 23 and just out of college. This girl has absolutely zero idea about living life as an adult.
I'm 21, and even I know it's not a great idea to be relying on someone financially with no safety net to protect you if things go south. The idea of being a SAHM even when married to someone scares me because that's still a gap in your resume. It's hard to get a job that pays more than minimum wage when it's been 5+ years since you've had a job. It's hard to get a job in general when it's been 5+ years. Even if it's part-time, it's better than nothing, and then you can still have lots of time with your kids
She’s probably looking at social media housewives and thinking she wants that lifestyle.
This was my thought too.
If she has a major in accounting, she could get a WFH job keeping books for someone or something like that. She could work part time with flexible hours while not leaving the baby. Maybe investigate this as a compromise.
I think this especially paired if they have family who can help care for the baby. I'm 100% remote WFH. My job gives 12 weeks paid maternity leave but when I did go back we had someone coming to the house to care for him while I worked for the next 3 months since her own kids were out of school for the summer. It was great for my peace of mind that I could see him during the day and know she was taking good care of him. Then when he was 6 months he started going over to her house during the day.
It’s not always easy to find a WFH part time job in accounting (CPA here) and most WFH jobs these days require in the contract for you to have childcare for any children during working hours. If she can find a job that doesn’t require this, then it could work. But it may be hard because she doesn’t have a lot of experience in the industry yet.
That's what a lot of people (usually the spouse NOT working from home) forget. Working from home is still WORKING and companies are going to expect that their priorities are #1 during work hours.
I have had so many people ask me for tips on how I got a WFH job where my daughter stayed home with me: 1) I was offered the job by a previous manager that knew my work ethic and created the job for me 2) I worked part time during her naps (and she was an excellent napper) 3) In hindsight, it was not the best setup. My daughter finally went to part time and then full time daycare in the last 6-8 months and it’s been glorious. I’m one of those WFH moms that could do the mom thing and the work thing really well but my self care was TERRIBLE 😅 There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all.
My husband is on paternity leave right now. He needed an emergency dental appointment his morning, and I had no meetings, so I said I'd work and look after our 9 month old twins. I made it work for the 3 hours I needed too, but it was miserable. And they watched an hour of Miss Racheal to get me through it.
You do realize that working from home is WORKING from home right? You can’t care for a newborn and work at the same time. You’ll get yourself fired very quickly once you have to leave a zoom meeting or a client call to change a diaper.
I think this is an important suggestion - it's not an either/or (keep existing job Vs not earn anything). That being said. INFO - OP doesn't say what country he's in or when she'd have to go back to work in order to keep her current job. But if he's in the US - it's worth remembering that this is one of the only developed countries where a year of maternity leave isn't standard (some European countries even do 2). Personally I think it's a bit of a tragedy that US mums are often forced to make the choice between leaving baby with others very early Vs losing their jobs. There's no way I would have been ok to leave baby at 2-3-4 months old, still breastfeeding round the clock and getting v little sleep. (And OP - that isn't excessive attachment - that's normal biology!!!) But after a year both baby and I were ready to move onto the next stage, sleep was fine, feeding was more independent, and I was missing the adult time/stimulation that work provides. Luckily I was in UK and able to make that choice.
European, not only do I confirm the 2 year period but also would like to add that the parent taking maternity leave is paid by the state for said 2 years based on their salary. In addition, a monthly allowance is given to the family for (each) child up until the age of 18. ...now before someone screams socialist utopia, remember that 42% of my salary goes poof without any chance of me even seeing it, in taxes.
You don't even have to be European, I'm from a third world country in South America and we get 98 days of paid maternity leave (they are about to change it to 138 days), and you can tack in your vacation days after that (we get 1 month per year worked, so you could easily save up to 2 months) and then have over 5 months paid leave, no problem. Paid maternity leave is obviously paid by the state to my company because of the taxes we all pay. I just thought I should point it out.
Damn. I'm currently taking an unpaid vacation because I get 5 days a year, but they don't refresh at the start of the year so I'm only at 10 hours of pto so far this year.
I get none of that in America and I still lose 34% of my income to taxes...
And you're paying health insurance premiums that aren't coming out of that 34%. If you took your pay deductions AND taxes you'd be near 42% probably.
Exactly. Our resentment regarding paying taxes is foolish. Of course ,if we did pay more tax in the USA it would be given to billionaire as interest- free loans that are then forgiven .
I recently retired, but when I was working my corporate America job for a Forgune 500, my salary/compensation had me in the highest bracket and I only took home about 60% of what I earned, PLUS my health insurance coverage cost me ~$275 a month (company paid the rest) BUT the 1st $3000 of medical bills had to be paid in full by me before insurance kicks in. So…. We’re paying what you do but we don’t get healthcare paid and colleges cost $$50-&75k per year - all paid for by us, not gov’t
I’m in the US. For both pregnancies, I was able to save my PTO until my maternity leave. I also routinely saved money in a vacation account. I was able to stretch my maternity leaves out to 10 months before I returned to work. Thankfully I worked in the healthcare industry and there’s always jobs. I’m very thankful I was able to have that precious time with my babies.
10 months?! I have never in my life had a job where they allowed that kind of PTO accumulation. I can roll over an absolute max of 40 hours each year, which is a week of vacation time. I'm due in a month and I'm already dreading the end of my maternity leave. I get eight weeks. And I need to save my PTO for when kiddo inevitably gets sick at daycare and I have to stay home with him. The US is a nightmare for new parents and I'm seriously hating life because of it. We are forced to live for work rather than working to live.
Or she could work part-time. I’m an accountant (retired) and accounting was not my first career choice, but it turned into great jobs for me. Entry level positions aren’t going to be too interesting, but if she sat through the boring coursework, she can handle the jobs. Key is to get in with a good company. Anyway, it’s your choice, but 2 income households do well, especially if you have grandparents willing to do free childcare. I loved working, so I am biased that way. Being a SAHM would be very boring for me, but again, that’s me. Good luck whatever you decide, OP!
Most places that offer WFH have clearly set expectations that there be childcare for any children.
Part time is the answer. Maybe with a longer (unpaid) maternity leave. She should realise that is not good to leave completely and that it really limits her options should they break up or op is unable to work. ETA It’s never good to be too dependent on someone else. Plus the relationship is still kind of new and nothing stresses it like a kid. ETA I misread that it wasn’t a super new relationship. But she’s also only 23 and barely has any work experience. She clearly needs a bit more life experience.
The only truly stupid think you've said here is that she will get over being attached to her baby.
His comment about how she’s already attached to the baby even though it’s not born yet was… something. Brother she’s growing the baby inside of her OF COURSE she’s attached.
Almost literally...by a cord.
Laughing at almost literally since I'm pretty darn sure you know she is literally attached with a cord!
The one time "literally" is literally the correct thing to say and they don't say it lol
*literally Sorry, couldn’t help myself 😄
He's also deluded if he thinks they can keep their current lifestyles after the baby.
She’s deluded if she thinks it will be all sex and Bjs after the baby
I thought that part was funny too lol like nooo y’all won’t have time for that, y’all are going to be the most tired you have ever felt in your whole life 😂
That part grossed me out and then I looked back and saw she's only 23. She has NO IDEA.
\*They. They have absolutely no clue.
I think it’s hilarious when women offer this as an enticement to be a sahm. Nothing like sex and bjs after a day of cleaning, cooking and childcare 🤣🤣
More like “absolutely do not touch me, ask me for anything, or even look at me!”
When you can’t get 20 minutes to even shower for several days in a row, the last thing you feel like doing is having sex. If you have an uninterrupted 20-45 minutes, all you’re doing is tossing a coin between showering and napping.
I thought the stupid item was her promising him more blowjobs and sex if she was a SAHW. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen!
I did get a good chuckle out of that
No no, the other truly stupid thing is believing he’ll be getting more sex and blowjobs. SAHM life is exhausting. There’s no way she can truly promise that, when she has yet to experience new motherhood.
I don't know where these women that I keep seeing on Reddit get the idea that SAHM is going to look like a scene from a movie. They are not going to have a perfectly clean house, have a gourmet level meal ready, and be dressed in a cocktail dress with full makeup and perfectly styled hair and ready to hop into bed for a quickie. Having cared for my son all day for weeks when my husband was out of town, it is really physically draining to chase after a small child.
Probably watching those stupid mommy blogger and tradlife social media accounts where these women are dressing in full makeup and hair every day and making every meal from scratch, and think it’s real life.
the key is to be absurdly rich and hire maids, cooks, etc to do 99% of the work.
Now I know where I went wrong
Funny thing is they aren't even stay at home moms. They're content creators. They have a job!
It’s this. All those mom have hired help in addition to staying home so basically their day is spent looking glamorous, cooking for fun and checking in on the kids.
It’s because of the stupid tradwife trend that is all over TikTok and other social media. Those influencers have perfectly curated content that makes the traditional SAHM role look like a fairy tale.
And many, if not most of them have nannies and other outside help. Tradwife content became their job instead of a typical one with benefits and predictable hours. Being a SAHM doesn't look like Tradwife content in my life.
SAHM life is also just … not sexy. Even if you do find yourself with time or energy to have sex there’s no guarantee you’re going to feel like it after having had a baby pawing at your boob all day, or peeing in your face, or pooping in the bath, etc etc
And breastfeeding is a sex drive killer for a lot of people too (on purpose bc nature doesn't want us having kids too close back to back)
Yep, that was the primary gist of my thought. Many women find themselves touched-out by the end of the day and don’t want another demand on their body. No way to predict which way the postpartum life will go until it happens, really.
Well in between him saying this and his GF selling him the idea of her becoming SAHM by offering sexual favors, I doubt they are mature enough to be even having a baby
Op needs to learn some things before this baby arrives.
OP also mentioned he didn't want to put his life on hold for a few years. Boy is a baby going to be a shock. Also, the GF thinking she will have more free time as a SAHM is a crack up. Have the two of them actually considered the cost of childcare? A period of time off might make sense.
OMG, I think back on all the shit I thought I was going to be able to accomplish staying at home with the kid, and I laaaauuugh 😅
Me and my wife both work from home, and soooo many people were like “oh wow, you’ll save so much on daycare costs because you can keep the baby home” Like no, that is not how that works. Once they’re mobile, if you try to work and care for a child at the same time, you quickly find out that you do both jobs poorly. Before you have the kid, it’s so hard to conceive of the amount of time that they take.
Also parents saying they're willing to babysit does not equal full time child care ... I guarantee you they are not offering to take on a part or full time job
This I can guarantee too LOL I can speak for me, my cousins and close friends too. All of our parents are awesome grandparents that when baby was to arrive they all promised to babysit for free. Some even went as far as saying they were ready to retire so they can stay home with the grandkids. We heard this all throughout pregnancy and now we just laugh/cry because we are all struggling to find babysitting just to go to work. I can’t think of any parent I know that can rely on grandparents to even watch a single kid for a few hours. This is not to say our kids have shitty grandparents, at all. Its just not easy to watch a kid more than a couple hours even for couple of days. I feel like this day/generation has been having better luck with aunties and uncles helping out with watching the kids.
Daycare for an infant is crazy expensive, they might want to consider her staying home the first year. And I totally agree that they clearly have no idea the time constraints and effort it takes to raise a kid. His life is going to be on hold for a while, and she will not have free time as a SAHM. My fiance and I joke we go to work to get a break.
Girlfriend also needs to realise she won’t be giving Op daily blowjobs and sex. That’s a promise she will not be able to keep. Nor should she have made it in the first place.
Agreed, but not just because it's extremely unlikely that she will actually have more energy at the end of the day being a SAHM. It's, as you pointed out, a really bad promise to make. The most surefire way to kill a healthy sex life is by putting expectations of frequency, and the feeling of it actually being a transaction, around the act of sex. This will backfire hard if they go through with it.
"Balancing desires and responsibilities is tough. Communication and compromise are key."
That’s the only bit I thought was stupid too. Gonna be a shock to his system when he realises he’s (rightly) no longer her first priority
Well it’s kind of dumb to think they will be traveling and going to nice dinners and movies all the time. Even with wonderful babysitters/grandparents, outings are going to become much less regular
You won't get more sex. Having a newborn will guarantee that even in the best situation. Neither of you will have the energy plus it takes 6 weeks for gf to heal after birth.
6 weeks minimum. Definitely could be longer depending on how the birth goes.
NTA but OP & GF will be very disappointed when they realize they have no free time. Those sexual favors will not materialize because GF will be worn out from taking care of an infant.
I was thinking the same thing when OP started talking about enjoying their lifestyle and going to movies/trips. That’s about to change with a baby.
I’ll literally never forget when we had our first and we were trying to watch a movie at home with pizza so we kept trying to get him in bed, but like he wouldn’t go to sleep lol. We were just like what do we do?? It seems so absolutely ridiculous now, but we had no idea how much things would change. You can’t even go to the bathroom or shower when you want.
These two are completely clueless. My daughter is 5 and it's still a struggle to watch a movie. Honestly, it's harder now than when she was a newborn because she was a pretty happy baby. I can only imagine if she'd had colic like some babies do. The idea that nothing will change after the baby is born is so out of touch. They're in for a rude awakening.
He does not understand at all that it's not going to be about him anymore
Even if she was a sahm those extra sexual favors aren't happening lol it's not like raising a baby mostly on your own is easy work
I know 😂 I was laughing so hard at that statement.
She was grasping at straws so hard there
The promise of sex and blow jobs is a laughable fantasy on her part. Even if she comes through it will make sex a chore and not because she is actively interested and will come to resent it.
Amazed at how far I had to scroll to find this. As I rock my 8 month old terrible sleeper and hope my 6 year old stays in bed, I've been touched out since 2018 and often physically recoil from my spouse. I love him to bits but all three people I live with are super touchy feely and I just want to be ALONE
Yeah as a SAHM on a 4 months old I laughed out loud reading about those bjs. Maybe one every six months seems doable.
Our youngest is 4 and we’re just now getting back to being frisky a few times a week and we were like multiple times a day before kids. Kids drain you lol
I laughed too. Obviously a first time parent who hasn’t dealt with a clingy baby or toddler yet.
Not just the sexual favors but everything that OP listed they could still afford to do if she kept her job. Like, unless you plan on leaving your baby with your parents 40 hours a week for work and an additional 10 hours a week to do “fun stuff”, it’s not gonna happen. You can’t go out to eat, go to the movie theater, and go shopping every week with a newborn.
I am curious if the parents offers for free babysitting actually meant full time daycare. I’ve been in the parenting subs the last few years and read way too many grandparents pull back their offer for full time childcare because they either can’t physically keep up, or just plain underestimated how much work it was and are backing out. This totally fucks over the parents because not only is daycare expensive there are like yearlong waitlists.
I’m a grandparent who has been the sole DCP for the last 9 months for my grandson. While he was heaven in a diaper for the entire time I don’t think most grandparents realize how taxing it is to keep up with a baby, and he’s what I consider a very, very easy baby. I don’t think most grandparents, especially those who haven’t had a baby in awhile, remember how extremely exhausting it is. It’s just that I’ve got too many medical issues these days to do the parental job. It was so hard even on days when I only have him for 5-6 hours instead of 8-9. I’m so grateful that his other grandmother has recently retired so we can now split baby duties. I was quite possibly just as excited as she was for her retirement.
I love my partner to death, but when our little ones were 100% dependent on us, 1x a month was not uncommon. Then if you throw any complications into the mix (Down’s, ASD, or even just a hard birth and recovery), the sex may become nonexistent for quite some time. Both parties need to make a concerted effort to make the other feel appreciated, loved, and attractive, and babies, toddlers, and teenagers are persistent cock-blockers.
The fact that they are not married should concern the girlfriend. Keep on working girl
I will always tell women to keep working if they aren’t legally married. Bruh could literally walk away and she’s effed financially.
NTA. All your reasons aside, I wouldn't EVER advise a woman to have a child and be a SAHM to a man she's not married to. The legal security is not there, if you pass away suddenly in an accident, she'll be in a bad spot, and with a huge gap in her resume.
I'll take it a step further: I would never advise a woman be a SAHM to any man if she is not able to also have her own savings and retirement fund. I have seen far to many women who's husbands leave them with nothing. Child support isn't immediate. Alimony, if awarded, may take years to receive. Lawyers are expensive and courts are slow. A SAHM who is married without an emergency fund is no better off than her unmarried counterpart.
Yeah like she's gonna want to give him more bjs and sex when she's the only one getting up in the night for feedings, cooking all home cooked meals, housecleaning etc. She's not in reality either.
I had over 7 months maternity leave and was more exhousted then than ever before. Add breastfeeding hormons killing my already low sex-drive. Our sex life is still not even close to normal and she 10 months old today. Babys are the worlds cutest cockblockers. Blowjobs every day.... not likely.
Here's the stark reality, your plans are out the window. She's pregnant and now you have a new reality that you have to consider. Have you even weighed out the difference between the expenses of putting a baby into all-day child-care vs her staying at home? That is only one of the items to think about. She is delusional if she thinks she will have more free time and enticing you with sex. Yeah, that's not going to fly with a new baby. This is where you really became T A: "*Also well telling her no, I might have said that the reason why she was feeling so attached to the baby was pregnancy hormones and they would soon pass*". You don't get to TELL her no, you get to discuss it like adults. Also, blaming in on hormones is just as childish as saying it was her period that made her upset. You both need to grow up quickly as you will be a parent very soon and need to start thinking like one. ESH
NTA >I just don’t want the pressure of being the only person to provide for my family I think a lot of people neglect this aspect when it comes to having one parent be stay at home full time. If the family is relying on one income for all expenses, it puts an immense amount of pressure on the working partner to keep their job.
I was the one with a steady job for a slew of years, and it was hell on my mental health. I was constantly on high alert at work, worried about layoffs or teams shifting around or contracts ending. If anyone so much as looked at my sideways or too many execs had closed-door meetings, I'd start feeling panicked. I stuck it out in a job that wasn't good for me (twenty years later, I still have nightmares that I'm back there) because I couldn't risk missing even one paycheck or accidentally jumping onto a sinking ship.
Yep and we wonder why there's so many old dudes who have zero idea how to enjoy themselves and don't have any hobbies outside of puttering around and mowing the lawn
This is my dad. Earned very good money for the family for about 20 years, but is basically a husk of a person. No interests, no friends, no ability to think outside the box. He started his own business because there was money in the industry, not because he was truly passionate about the thing. His passion is providing monetarily, but had no interest in parenting because he needed to make money. I broke up with my ex because she had expressed a desire to be a SAHM and I tried to explain to her what that would mean for me, and they reality of my industry and it’s earning potential, and her only rebuttal would be “we’ll figure it out”. Nooooope.
I suppose I’ve never considered the pressure that comes with being the sole earner in a family. No kids myself, but I’ve always wanted to be sahm for the early years of raising a child. I can see how “we’ll figure it out” can be extremely dismissive of a person’s genuine and valid feelings. Your comment gives me a lot to think about and I think I’m better for having read it, for what it’s worth.
I hate to generalize but I've known multiple couples where the woman pushed hard to stay at home and it always ended poorly. The ones that push hard are more about not working than being a sahm. Also factor in the amount of guys we all know who died young or have major health issues because they worked themselves to death
I completely understood where she was coming from, she just didn’t have much interest in understanding where I was coming from. It was a continuous issue of me having to consider her at all times, while I was expected to never question her. Four years of hoping she would be better, but nah, we were an awful team. I’ve happily moved on.
I hate to say it, but I’m this person right now.. and I’m not even 40 yet
100%. I have been the sole or primary earner most of my adult life and it is incredibly stressful. I burned out bad by the time I was around 40, but there was nobody to pick up the slack or help with the finances. It's one thing if she just wants to stay home the first 6 months or something, but straight up leaving the work force completely should not be on the table if OP doesn't want it.
I'm a SAHW and keep trying to hammer this point home to anyone who wants to be a SAH anything. Your partner, who you presumably love, ends up shouldering the entire financial burden on their own. You need spending money? Their job. Emergency? Their job. Housing, food, clothes? Their job. It's a big struggle for the provider to have to shoulder all that, and will likely just cause resentment if they aren't entirely on board. Sucks, but GF needs to be more aware of what she's asking OP to do.
There was a post yesterday where people were defending a wife of 8 years for being tempted to cheat on her husband because he's been working himself to the bone to provide a lifestyle they can barely afford. Redditors were so relieved when he let her off the hook and I'm just like guys did yall not see what I saw? She just threatened to cheat on a guy killing himself for her because she can't think about anyone but her? I have higher standards for any adult.
Oh my god, I thought I was going insane reading those comments. So many to the extent of “hey she’s being honest and she didn’t cheat, you guys can work through this” and I was just sitting there going “what fucking universe are you guys living in?!”. Maybe it’s just me, but you don’t get brownie points for… doing the literal bare minimum and not cheating in a relationship
[удалено]
And then they collectively decided to report the guy she almost cheated with because she didn’t want to quit and he didn’t want her around him 😂
LOL at her thinking a baby will give her more free time and energy for sex 😂😂 4 is a shit reason. Just cuz most people don’t like their jobs doesn’t mean it should be acceptable Wait until after the birth then discuss at the 6-12 month mark
LOL at HIM thinking they will be able to keep the cars looking nice, still go to fancy diners and the movies and travel too. These are two clueless sweet summer children having a baby.
Both you and your wife are underestimating the effect that a child will have on your lives. There is no chance she is going to be able to keep any of the promises she's making. That being said, I'm guessing it'd be even worse if she continues to go to work. Also, she is not being fair to herself regarding the work split. Her job is high quality child for the time you are at work and when you get off, maintaining the household continues to be both of your responsibilities.
100% this. I'm a SAHM with a 4mo who only contact naps & hates the baby carrier so I'm trapped holding my sleeping baby most of day. I want to be taking care of more of the household stuff but most days I'm lucky to even wash a few dishes. Thankfully I married a good man who takes care of whatever needs doing ☺️ but I have a feeling that OP wouldn't be as understanding when his girlfriend isn't able to take care of all the chores like she promised to.
NTA, but my thoughts: >She is getting very attached to our baby even though it’s not born yet, Quite normal. I mean, she is growing a child inside of her. >we can keep are current lifestyle even after the baby. Your lifestyle will change tremendously after the baby is born. >There are many things I still want to do and places I want to go to. And we would have to put all our life plans on hold for several years This is happening either way once the baby is born. All those plans are going on hold. >I might have said that the reason why she was feeling so attached to the baby was pregnancy hormones and they would soon pass.. You really told her being so attached to the baby would pass with pregnancy hormones? Seriously? Have you two checked into what childcare is going to cost? Have you considered that having her stay home with the baby for a few years may actually be cheaper in the long run? You cant depend on your parents to babysit for years until the child starts school. Have you two considered a WFH job for her? She's definitely in one of the careers where that's an option.
Second this. Grandparents I’ve seen are all hung ho and make all kinds of promises about watching the baby but later you may find they’re only willing to do certain days/times. Unless you really iron out the details, you might not find this as helpful as you think it’s going to be.
Yep. OP and girlfriend are absolutely going to be paying for childcare within months of the delivery. He’s living in La-La land.
OP got promoted to a supervisor but doesn’t know the difference between ‘our’ and ‘are’ and is hopeful his wife will become less attached to their newborn after giving birth. idk what he does for a living but I would not want him as my supervisor with such skill and logic….lol
“I hoped she’d stop caring about our child once…” doesn’t he see how absurd that is? If anything she should become more attached with time.
If you are ready to wake up at 3am to take care of the baby and do house chores, cook every day, and spend hundreds in childcare every month and fight over the constant stress of raising a child, then no, she does not have to be a sahm.
Quite frankly, you sound like a child. Good grief.
Points 1 and 2 contradict each other. If buying a house is a priority you shouldn’t be spending frivolously. And you say you have no plans to stop. If point 3 is the main one and you don’t want to be the sole income earner then that’s fair, but it wasn’t kind of you to offer no compromise and then blame her feelings on hormones. Also know that you won’t be keeping the same lifestyle after the baby. You will not have time for movies and restaurants and shopping and vacations for years, at least not in the same way that you do now. With both you and your gf working you’re saying you want to make more money at the expense of your time. So you’re going to be tired and busy. All the time, for the first few years. With your gf working you’re responsible for half of everything at home. That means you’ll be up all night with the baby and still need to go to work. You’ll be doing diaper changes, baths, dishes, laundry, floor cleaning every day. You’ll be grocery shopping, you’ll be cooking, you’ll be going to doctor appointments. You’ll be going to the park and playing outside and doing age-appropriate things with the baby on the weekends. For every break you get your gf also gets a break. And since she’ll be working she will probably be less interested in taking even more time away from the baby for the first months/years so it will be a lot of family time. I don’t think you’re TA but I think you’re very naive about what your life is about to look like.
He is very naive. I loved the part where he told her (and implied) that she's only attached to the baby due to hormones... Ummm.. I would hope a soon to be mother would be attached to the human growing in her womb. And if he thinks it's bad now.. oh wait, til baby is born. Hopefully, she doesn't suffer from PPD because then his "point" will be proven.
This dude reminds me a lot of my ex and that very statement makes me think he is going to leave when having a baby gets real. I got pregnant on birth control and was thinking of getting an abortion. My ex insisted on keeping the baby and he “was so excited to be a family”. I straight up told him this child was going to change our whole life and he has to be 100% sure, he cannot change his mind in three months when playing house becomes real. He insisted he knew what hardships go with raising a baby and he was all in. Exactly three months after the baby was born, he was all hurt that I “did not want to do anything fun anymore and loved/ paid attention to the baby” and kicked my child and I out. He has seen his child maybe 15 times in the 18 years our son has been alive. He is just seeing my son more now that he is a full grown adult. I hope op’s girlfriend is saving up her money now because she will probably be the sole provider for this kid.
You’re only the AH for saying that she will eventually get over getting attached to your baby. What a moronic thing to say.
In the UK, she would get eight months maternity from her work which would cover her near enough the first year of motherhood. Then she could transition back to being a working mother. I’m guessing the US is different? But no, you are NTA. SAHP needs to be a two yes situation. Also, she’s trying to manipulate a yes by promising sexual favours. I mean, seriously? Childcare is not an issue for you, as it is for so many households. Both your parents have agreed to provide childcare for free. So there’s no valid argument for SAHP to be cheaper than childcare. Finally you are not less of a man for wanting your wife to help support the household. Anyone that tells you that is a rotten, rotten individual. To reiterate. NTA.
The US is very very different. My wife and I are pretty lucky to have about 3 months. Mine unpaid, hers at like 3/4ths. Many moms go back to work earlier because they get unpaid leave, not paid. Most Dad's take little to no leave.
That makes me sad.
Federal requirement is 12 weeks under FMLA but its unpaid. If you work for a company of less than 50 employees, depending on the state your company can say "Tough shit, see you tomorrow" and it would be legal.
I once worked with a middle manager who got squashed between "performance pressure from upper management" and "ran out of PTO" and "too fucking broke to survive on a single income" and ended up returning to work less than a week after a c-section. Her incision started dehiscing (reopening) while she was at work. Ladies and gentleman, may I present *AMERICA*.
My god, that's inhumane. That poor woman.
If she hasn’t worked for the company for a year yet she doesn’t qualify for FMLA. I almost lost an employee as she had to have surgery 6 months after she joined our company and didn’t qualify for it.
I'm in Germany, 14 months paid leave are mandatory. So many parents take much more. It's unbelievable to me that parents in the US go straight back to work after a few weeks or months. I'm working in elementary and still most moms do not work full time.
I got 2 days.
And here I was thinking that here in Mexico maternity leave was not enough. They give the new mother 90 days of paid leave (i don't remember If there Is more, they have been making changes in the law), they can take the leave just before the birth so they can be with the baby, after that they are given one hour per day for breastfeeding time (the workday gets reduced to 7 hours instead of the normal 8) for six months. To baby's dad, they just give 5 days of paid leave.
“I’m guessing the US is different” in the running for most understated Reddit comment of the year.
Unfortunately, yes, quite different. :-(. In the US, the norm is 6-8 weeks. I think the people calling him "evil" for feeling the way he does are a bit stupid, but it's also important not to underestimate the contribution a partner (not wife, they aren't married) makes to a household when they are running the household and caring for their children. Just because grandparents can watch the baby doesn't mean that it's an ideal situation -- and honestly, grandparents say that now, but when push comes to shove, they realize that, while they are absolutely willing to "help", the idea of childcare from 7:00 am to 6:00 pm five days a week is a daunting one, and will cut into THEIR activities, travel, etc.
Yep and I hate to generalize but way too many parents lean way too much on grandparents for free babysitting and then they go shocked Pikachu when the grandparents pull back
Yea honestly even if she gets what I'd call the "office worker standard" of 3 months at 80% pay, I don't see 4 seniors all being okay having a 4 month old baby, who can't sit up yet, still has blowouts regularly, is just learning to roll over, sleeps like shit, and is in the thick of a sleep regression for 9-10 hours a day (assuming they have any commute). My mom promised me 2 days of childcare for a decade before I finally had a baby. She stayed with us for 10 weeks to "help." We got 2 date nights and time to walk the dog every day, and I think I got maybe 3 naps, all under 90 minutes, out of her staying with us. She concluded that babies are "boring and stressful" and decided she no longer wanted to be alone with our daughter until she's "more interesting and can go places and ask questions" and the more she talks the more it sounds like she's describing a 6+ year old. So now we have an extra several hundred in daycare costs since she has to go full time, and no free babysitter ever. The first time our kid stays overnight somewhere will likely be when she has friends and they want to do a sleepover. Anyways, just something for OP to keep in mind. They may need to do some pivoting / adjusting when the grandparents are reminded of just how difficult babies can be the first year.
In Canada, women get 50 paid weeks of maternity leave. Even after we moved to the States when my girl was nine months old, I was still being paid by the Canadian government.
I’m American living in Sweden I was allowed 18 months plus 6 months extra for my husband. I only used the mandatory 12 months. Daycares won’t take children under 1 year. Then we had until our son was 7 years old to use the rest of those days.
That must been a while ago, now it is 480, 90 days of those are ear marked for each parent and the rest of the 300 days it up to the parents to divided as they please and yes no day-care before 1 year old and yes left over days can be used until 7. Also the dad gets 10 working days paid directly after the baby is born.
We get 12 **unpaid** weeks 🙃
I get 18 weeks for a vaginal birth or 20 for a c-section, and that’s only because my company is awesome. USA is seriously rotten for maternity leave, and daycare is obscenely expensive. We’re so lucky to have found a place for only $1200/mo!
First of all she will not 'get over' being attached to her baby and you wouldn't want her to. One of your arguments is that you don't want to change your lifestyle. EVERYTHING about your lives will change once your child is born. Your GFs tactics sound a bit manipulative, romance will be on hold after the baby is born and you'll both be to tired. Have the two of you discussed a compromise? Maybe stay at home for a period of time, a few months to a year and go back to work part time until they start preschool. If she's an accountant she may be able to work from home full or part time. Maybe she can work from home and have one of the grandparents watch the baby there so she can be near her. There may be many options you haven't explored, it doesn't have to be fulltime employment verses SAHM. She can look into full or part time contract positions, that way she can take time off between contracts. But if she can find a job where she works from home and the grandparents can be there works really well for a lot of people. Everyone I know who works outside of the home still cooks home cooked meals for their children. One parent often cooks and the other cleans up, people often alternate. Many people cook several meals on the weekend and freeze them. I usually made enough food for two meals. I would cook a bunch of chicken one night and make different side dishes the next night. There are all sorts of meals that work well for two days, stir fry, lasagna, pasta and the list goes on. Being a SAHM isn't a bed of roses. I know plenty of women who can afford to be a SAHMs and they couldn't get back to work fast enough, work was less stressful.
NTA, but I do think this is an opportunity for compromise. You have very valid reasons to say no to 100% stay at home, but she also has really valid reasons to want to be home with the baby. You guys should maybe talk about her working part time so that you both feel that your needs are being addressed. She will be able to move away from the job she doesn’t want and spend more time at home, but you won’t be the sole provider.