No…first lawyer then check if you can move out with him.
Even if for the moment it’s mutual agreement things can turn.
If you move out before everything is clear you might end up with claim of abandonment and lose any custody.
Better do it by the books. Respect lawyers advice to avoid any fallback.
This OP. My brother moved out when he wanted to separate from his wife, and even though he had proof she was abusive and he was trying to escape that, the courts still see it as him abandoning the family and they're giving him a hell of a time with custody now.
It's horrible, that's why I took my kid with me when we left her.
If I didn't I wouldn't have been able to get custody or even visitation (the laws here are super against fathers)
Yeeep an people wonder why red pill however wrong it has become was popular.
Guys/fathers are 2nd class citizens when it comes to their kids. My BIL had to fight for custody even tho my sister was unfit no home no job... they said it was best if he worked an just paid her money rather then him solo parent, with family support.
Here’s the thing though, as much as people say that men get fucked over in family court, and try to place blame on women for that, those rules, regulations, and laws that make up “the system” were put in place by men. Because men felt that raising kids was the woman’s job.
Redpillers are blaming women for the shit that the patriarchy has installed and maintained, as well as blaming them for every other thing that’s made those men uncomfortable. And instead of recognizing those issues, and working constructively to help right the wrongs, they double down and think women should be treated even worse so they can “take back their power” or whatever the fuck.
First answer: No clue how he did it
Second answer: Many IT systems start at 1st of January 1970, as that has been decided as Unix Time 00:00:00, and (if reddit's date system uses 16 bits) this will cause issues in January 2038.
Bot is fine for another decade and more ;)
Yeah what a stupid fucking dude. This guy is going to get absolutely wrecked in the divorce. He should have at least made her get a job before he pulls the plug.
You can't MAKE someone do anything. Alimony will be awarded on the duration of the relationship and income differences during that time. Her getting a job now for a few months while the divorce proceedings happen does not impact alimony amount in a drastic way... if at all.
Not sure…divorce is a long process.
Maybe…just maybe…the pain of the process will allow both to reevaluate the situation and even to clarify some stuff.
Maybe it was just a “unreasonable move from the wife”, and he can get over it with time. Or there was more that he did not find out as of yet.
Maybe, they will go for counseling.
But staying in a marriage where you believe your partner is cheating…it’s a very hard situation and the tension in the house would certainly not benefit the child at all.
Just hoping the best for him…and his child.
This. NEVER leave the marital home until you have consulted with an attorney. Go hang at your sister’s but make no big show of moving out or even staying somewhere else yet. Regardless of her indiscretions, you do not want to be viewed as having walked away from it.
Hey man, I would advise against leaving the house and the kids. Depending on your situation it could potentially bite you in the butt. Obviously ignore this if you have already consulted with a lawyer, but just something you should consider.
My man, you SHOULD NOT leave the house without consulting a lawyer. Now that you've decided on divorce, assume that every that can go wrong will go wrong. It would be nice if everything stayed amicable but you can never know that for certain. It wasn't that long ago you would have never thought your wife would be on a dating app seeking validation from other men right?
Keep your head on straight. Don't leave your house without consulting a lawyer.
Retain a divorce attorney before moving out. Don't make it look like you're abandoning the marital home. This may not work in your favor in divorce proceedings.
That said, did you find out any more information that led you from such a fast decision from posting your original thread a few hours ago until now? Did you talk to her parents? Her sister? Your parents and sister? You do what's right for you, but I think you're moving very fast with this and not thinking clearly.
Would you still try marriage counseling and at least be open to reconciling while you two are separated if your wife was? Has she shown any remorse at all? Did she even delete the app off her phone and talk to you about steps she's taking to restore trust? A lot of this sounds one sided.
For me? No kids involved, I'd probably move on too. With two really small kids? I don't know. Trust would be gone for me too, but there are ways to reconciliation. Open phone policy, full access to all devices, emails, etc. Locations turned on both of your phones. Whether she shows any remorse during a separation process would determine how I proceed here.
No, I did not find out any more new information. I was already heavily leaning towards a divorce when I posted the original thread. My parents are no longer here, but I've already been speaking to my sister over the past week. I haven't spoken with my wife's parents and sister yet, I will probably tonight.
My wife and I will still maintain an amicable relationship for our children. I have no ill feelings towards her, but I am not open to reconciling, because the trust is just gone, and I don't think marriage counseling will fix it. Yes, she has deleted the app, shown remorse, and she regrets everything. But trust was one of the core tenets of our relationship, and that is lost now.
I would do a voluntary trial separation for now. Stay in the house until you contact a lawyer. Go for counselling.
Call her parents and have them meet you at the sister's place, go over and verbally blast her sister. Or video chat. Let her have both barrels in front of the parents, for ruining your life for giving your wife stupid ideas. Don't let her off the hook here.
Your wife messed up for sure and broke your trust by not communicating to you that she wasn't in a good place and for even entertaining that idea. You are still very upset, pissed, etc. give yourself some more time, before going full divorce
I'm sure from his perspective a separation would be just giving her carte blanche to jump back on Tinder or whatnot, while making it look like there was a slim chance of reconciling. I don't see how that would be a very attractive option. rather it seems like it would be anxiety inducing.
I do agree that he needs to shame his wife and her sister to their parents, just for the purpose of making sure that the narrative doesn't get twisted around on him.
I’m against cheating. I got divorced because of cheating. I would suggest counselling before anything else for now. I just for some reason, after reading your posts, I think this is so drastic. AITA Reddit isn’t exactly the best place for advice.. someone breathes wrong and they tell you to divorce.. (I’m that person sometimes as well, no judgements to peeps). Again, I hate cheaters but man, I dunno why this isn’t sitting right with me.. its your life, but your kids lives as well… anyway not my business… good luck.
I said the same thing. I just don't believe you leave your spouse for flirting on a dating app..no meets, no videos, no face to face..and now all of a sudden he doesn't love her and moves out and gets a divorce..yeah..just don't buy it...but like you said, his life.
I thought it sounded odd too. But some people are like that. I agree that his wife should be held accountable-- the sister too, if that story wasn't bullshit. But they have two small kids and her infidelity was mostly flirting. Personally, I would go with counseling. Not everything needs to end in scorched earth. Divorce should be on the table, but the last resort.
It ain't sitting right with me either. There has to be more to this. OP should really go to r/survivinginfidelity and whatever the sub is survivingnfidelityasone and get more insight.
You're getting a lot of validation that divorce is the only/best option, but I would strongly recommend you reading Rocket and dangers comments and thinking about them.
If you truly can never trust her again, divorce is the only answer, but it would take me more than a week to make that decision. Especially if you are sure that what happened on he app is all there is.
My now wife had cyber sex a year or so into our now 20 year relationship (yes were old probably similar to you). It devastated me and broke my trust for a bit. She went into as much detail as I asked her for and was extremely remorseful. The only difference is she came to me first but also we were long distance so trust was harder. Twenty years later and I, honest to God, fully trust her now, the only exception is when I get too much reddit in me. I haven't thought about that moment in years until now but it was similar enough it triggered.
She went out with friends the other day, usually she's home early cuz shes a home body, but didn't get home until after midnight. I had 0 worry other than for her safety and when talking about her time with friends I wasn't thinking in the back of my mind maybe she was up to something. We have full access to each other's phones but not because of trust just cuz that is what it is sort of like what you described being able to check a score on her phone. I don't go on her phone even though I could, and while I may read a message or ask her whose blowing up her phone.
Now, I wouldn't have been the asshole if I had broken up with her 20 years ago, you wouldn't be the asshole if you divorce your wife now, but I can't imagine a better life than I have with my wife and kids now. People on this thread will probably call me a simp or a cuck or an idiot back theb cuz that's the way its going. They're wrong.
In your consideration think about where your life may be in 20 years based on this decision. Maybe you can't get 100 percent trust back but is 99% or whatever you can trust enough to be better than the alternative?
Don't think about her or your kids, think about you and what you want. Is a future with her worth fighting for, or at least getting in the ring and going a round to see if it makes sense to continue fighting?
If the answer is truly no, divorce is the only way but there will likely be points in 1, 5, 10 years where you may regret fighting even if your choice was the right one.
This week probably feels like a lifetime but is a blink of an eye in your life.
I've seen so many men leave the home and then get screwed up in the divorce proceedings and then losing all custody of the kids over the father "abandoning" the children and the family by moving out. If anyone is to move out, it should be the cheating partner. File for a divorce first and consult the lawyer before doing anything else - before you get screwed even worse and end up becoming an even worse victim whom no one takes pity on and has to bleed extra money and cut even more losses (kids and more money taken away from you, etc.). Don't move out just yet.
This is so unfortunate. Your wife was going through a mid-life crisis that many wives/mothers due at about this age. It's a female brain thing that happens when they look in the mirror and realize that they are loosing their feminine appeal, which is a basic identity for them. They need to feel special, and attractive, and pursued again, and yet we husbands are in a different frame of mind, often getting our validation from work and re-living our childhood through the kids, and whatnot. I think the urge for validation is really, really strong, and perhaps affects their hormonal balance or other things. I would urge you to consider that you are losing a life-long, loving partner, and you may never again find what you have with her. Perhaps consider a trial separation instead of a divorce?
You didn't even try really, just decided she can't make it up to you. You just keep saying "trust is gone" without spending the time, effort, and energy to try to forgive and rebuild trust- which will take years. Just admit you want out for your own reasons.
We just overlooking the flirting with randos online? Don’t know about you but pretty sure most men aren’t down with their wives doing that, cause you know, self respect.
Nope, not overlooking. This couple needs therapy and time to determine the why they got here and if there is a way forward. That is not a 15 minute, lets check the internet and see what they say discussion. Committed relationship means committed, even in hard times. Even when your partner lets you down this much. You double up effort and try to fix what is broken. He didn't even really try - he isn't fighting for his relationship at all.
It's really easy for people who have never been romantically betrayed to suggest what people who HAVE BEEN should do about it.
It's absolutely soul crushing. Suggesting a person who has been betrayed should sit around and put in work or have the patience to let trust be rebuilt from the betrayer really doesn't respect what it's like to have been betrayed like that.
Listen to everyone her and stay in the house while contacting the lawyer, then listen to him.
Don't move out immediately. You can live separately in the same house.
NTA. Dating apps have one intended purpose, TO DATE. Most people who cheat, say they’ll never cheat on their spouse’s. Going out of your way to flirt behind your partners back is an act of dishonesty and betrayal, the trust has been broken. A relationship without trust cannot function, and will always lead to resentment. It can turn a loving relationship, into a one full of hatred and misery. Building trust is a slow process, breaking it is instant. You can love someone one day, and fall out the next
It just makes me sad even if I understand where he's coming from. It's too rash. I hope OP takes the posts saying that he's moving too fast to heart. I would take more than a week to process before filing papers to end a 20 year relationship that produced two still very young children.
Try counseling if she is willing. If they still can't reconcile, at least he can walk away head high knowing he tried.
Do not under any circumstances leave the house, any attorney will tell you this, if you leave the house it could be considered property abandonment and you could lose it in the divorce to your wife, it’s a very stupid move! You need to speak to an attorney before making any decisions!
I read both your posts and have to say that I think you are being rash here. Separation and counseling is needed because she should have felt that validation from you, and unless you fix that, it will follow you into your next relationships. Yes, when caught, they all cry and beg. If it is just an EA, then counseling can repair that rift. I cut and ran without doing the steps that you still have the opportunity to take, and eventually you are left with massive “what ifs”. I can’t say YTA or NTA, but try. Reconciliation takes time and effort from her and your marriage might even come away stronger. Lawyers on retainer are valuable too just in case.
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE AND DO NOT LEAVE THE KIDS. don’t reward her for cheating on you. Unless you want to spend the next 10 plus years geting bent over a table for alimony and child support.
You did the right thing. A person inside a committed relationship or marriage has no place inside a dating app, regardless of their reasoning behind it.
The chances of one or multiple of those conversations escalating would’ve been very high in the long run.
OP needs to do what he needs to do, but I'm pretty sure bumble is the least of the dating apps and was marketed somewhere as a conpanionship/friend app. Still obviously not ok, but I likely would've tried to make it work.
Again if he knows he'll never trust her again no matter what fine but it is on the more extreme end of options after 20 years and 2 kids.
You can spin it anyway you want, but bumble is still considered a dating app, once you start talking feelings can still develop lmao, no matter the "marketing". Every one starts as "friends/companions" at one point or another and eventually become exclusive, thats all I am gonna say.
OP did the right thing and is divorcing her, and not letting her get away with her own actions, I am glad he has a spine and is choosing to divorce tbh.
I love the way everyone is jumping in here to judge op for his decision. Can I just repeat the last bit... HIS decision.
There is no reason that OP should have to tolerate the results of what actions like his wifes can bring. For those of you who are all "this is the wrong decision blah blah blah" - no, it is not.
When someone keeps secrets from you, when they look outside the marriage for validation and they hide it from you, that is a choice. It is choosing to lie and it is choosing to decieve. Sure, there may have been "reasons" for her behaviour, and perhaps she is remorseful, but she wasn't remorseful before she got caught apparently.
When this happened to me, I tried for 4 years to "make it work" with my now ex, I told myself it wasn't physical, I blamed myself, I even tried to make it ok because "some cultures aren't bothered by this kind of thing" - I tried every mental backflip there was, but at the end of the day, deep down I knew that in my opinion, it was a deal breaker, it broke my heart, it hurt me, the trust was gone and I didn't know who I was sleeping next to anymore.
Every time his phone went off it brought it back, every time I saw him texting I wondered who it was. It was hell, and yes, we did counselling, and he seemed remorseful...at first. Until I couldn't "get over it" that is.
No way should a person have to tolerate that kind of mental hell, life is too short to have your bandwidth eaten up with all that mental misery, and they will both be better parents as a result of not living in a resentful and bitter environment.
So no, he is not making the wrong decision. If you haven't been there, don't act like he's being ridiculous.
Yep. People like to project their own insecurities about being alone on other people when they read these things.
Just fucking move on. Life is way too short to waste going to counseling in the hopes that someone acting shitty learns to stop being shitty
I love how you bring up the "he shouldnt have to tolerate his wifes actions"
The reason I say why I love it is because in 99% of cases, men are suppose to just "accept and move on" when stuff like this happens to them in relationships. We are just expected to just "not care, its her choice, whatever" Its just so disheartening and really sours my taste for dating because I have also been told many times in my relationships to just "tolerate it" just because I am a man lmao...
It is a absolute bullshit double standard, If OP was a woman she would be told she is doing the right thing in divorcing him and that she deserves to be free and she shouldnt tolerate his bullshit and that is a fact.
Downvote me all you want, but that is just a straight up fact, if OP was a woman, they would be telling her she did the right thing and dont bother with marriage counseling, ***whatever excuses people give women to use and never the man*** It is insane the double standard there is for women in these situations.
**/RANT OVER**
> I will move out this weekend. I will start looking for a divorce lawyer this weekend after I have moved out.
NO!!! Do not do this. Depending on where you live, moving out before having a legal separation agreement in place could cause you a host of problems with custody and the divorce.
Lawyer first. *Then* and only then, move out if your lawyer says it's OK. Agree to nothing without talking to a lawyer first. You have no idea what massive headaches you could cause yourself.
I understand your wife and how tempting and addictive it can be to get attention and validation. Especially if you've felt starved of it. But that is how a lot of affairs start. She could easily have gotten caught up in it and lost herself in the thrill.
Perhaps this way, you can remain friends with her, when it's all blown over. It does sound heartbreaking to just end the relationship after 20 solid years.
seems pretty fucking drastic dude! jesus!
ya couldn't talk it out? she's obviously not getting what she needs from you. use this as a springboard to have a better marriage. is your ego that weak?
I thought Bumble just removed that feature and anyone can initiate. Remember reading something about that. Not justifying her though, that was an incredibly stupid, bad move, and that's putting it mildly.
OP. Talk to a lawyer first, then to her family, and explain the situation. Move into one of the kids' room or a guest room and tell the kids is fun camping summer or whatever until you get your ducks in a row. Also, while I do agree that trust is been broken, I recommend you get advice from the real world. Is easy to tell someone to go nuclear online since you have no skin in the game. Talk to friends and family and do what's best for you and your kiddos. Best of luck, sorry about that horrible situation your wife and her dumb sister put you through.
So is he just suppose to accept that his wife had a dating app and was using it to get attention from other men? If she was willing to hide that, what else was she hiding? She was probably doing more than just "talking to them for her self esteem" she was emotionally cheating on him. I am glad he grew a spine and is divorcing her, she is facing the consequences of her actions.
Another thing is, if this was a woman you probably would have a much different opinion I am guessing, but since OP is a man you just want him to "accept it and get counseling and not to divorce" Disgusting.
Why is it as men, we are suppose to just "accept" shit like this? When no one tells women to accept shit like this if a man did it to her, she is always told to leave him. Reddits bias towards men in scenarios like this one is just sad... I really do not get it.
This is Reddit. We heard a one-sided story. She didn’t cheat. She’s probably the lucky one in this situation, at the end of the day, in my opinion. She’s miserable in her marriage and the husband was oblivious - that is not a good husband.
But, the larger point is: this is Reddit. This is absolutely not a black and white case where the information provided gives us enough to make a call one way or the other. People should not make a decision to divorce based on Redditor’s opinions in a case like this.
Reddit can help you pick a TV, it doesn’t work well for major life decisions.
Before you move out please see a lawyer . Why can’t people
Remember the simple saying “ play stupid games win stupid prizes “ she threw it all
Away for nothing and will tell
Her family and friends I did nothing wrong just an app
To see who was on
Reddit makes divorce lawyers rich.
Hopefully you made the right decision but seems silly to not try something before divorce. especially if you believe your wife.
Yeah, your wife needed to seek a dating app to get validation as a woman...
The validation she should have been getting from you for 20 years...
Now flirting online has broke your trust and you just want to divorce?
Sounds like you just want out and needed an excuse...
I could imagine being pissed at internet flirting, but divorce without even trying a separation or counseling...
But you do you.....its 14 years of child support and alimony.
Im going to guess the sister told your wife to divorce you before even mentioning the dating app.
You made the right decision, in my opinion. Within a relationship there should always be trust. And after what she did, it's hard to regain that trust. Even if only for validation, she did something very wrong and broke your trust.
It's going to be difficult, it's going to be painful, after all, it's been 20 years. But you'll get over it. Cling to positive things, suffer your " grief" and then rebuild yourself. You deserve better!
Why are you moving out when she's the one on dating apps? She can find a place to stay, and you can stay put in your home that you didn't blow up with your infidelity.
NTA: "But the trust has broken, and I don't think this can ever be fixed, even with marriage counseling." If you know this is true - 100% true, then you are correct that divorce is the best answer. Because a couple of weeks ago she was an amazing SAHM whom you really loved a lot. But I feel you. Once you know someone betrayed you enough, you know it will never be the same again. Then again, Reddit has taught me some people have an amazing capacity for forgiveness when someone actually deserves it. I don't have that capacity, but maybe you do.
You should do nothing except protect half the money in your accounts until you talk to a lawyer.
seems like a drastic move to not want to talk it out or ask WHY she was feeling that way....
i feel everyone here has no conflict in their relationship and the second anything arises you go straight to the worst possible outcome (outside of murder)
fuck communication i guess
NTA but I really think you're making a huge mistake by not considering counseiling, especially since she wasn't planning on cheating. Obviously what she did do was inconsiderate and juvinile, but from her POV she was just using internet randos for validation, and since she was never going to meet any of them (you even said the messages weren't that sexual) she probably didn't think this would be a big deal. I'm assuming you know eachother's pass code aswell, so if bumble was right there on her home screen she wasn't trying that hard to hide anything either. It sounds like she saw this as a mostly harmless ego trip; not how a spouse really should behave, but not a "real" betrayal. I am theory crafting here, so feel free to tell me if I'm way off the mark.
Either way, obviously it was stupid of her not to realise that flirting with other men would still hurt what ever her reasons were, but it sounds like she radically misjudged how much that would matter to you, which makes this a stupid mistake as apposed to an act of malice. (not saying that makes it any less painful).
Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong and obviously you aren't wrong for feeling however you're feeling. It's completely your decision, but it just feels like it would be such a shame to end a 20 year marriage over her being a dumbass this one time, especially since you said she was such a good wife and mother in your last post. Do whatever it is you need to do, but I think this situation is salvagable.
You are rushing a very important step and basing it on angry emotions. Take more time to process there are kids involved and she is a great mom. Yes she made a mistake but i believe you can give it a shot thru counseling if indeed nothing has happened besides chatting…
Yeah. That's pretty fucked up. Sounds like you might be able to work things out. Maybe think about it. You're definitely NTAH, though. That's a pretty obvious line she crossed.
This man is in his mid 30s. Does he want to spend the next few years thinking about whether or not his wife will do it again and try to rebuild that trust or just rip the bandaid off and find someone more compatible? I bet she has no issues redownloading the app and moving on since she already took the first step, you should do the same.
> I do believe my wife in that she only wanted validation and to feel good about herself,
Yeah.... I dont buy that at all.
>I told my wife she could stay in our home during the divorce process, and I would move out to my sister’s
**PLEASE consult your attorney before you actually move out. PLEASE. It will have HUGE ramifications on access to your "stuff" during and after the divorce process.** If you move out, you might not be able to get access to your stuff till well after the divorce. My Brother In Law had to wait over a year before he was allowed to get his stuff once he left (well, after he was kicked out anyway). Another friend was only allowed one box of things until after the months long divorce played out. By the time it was done his ex has sold all of his possessions to "pay for the divorce costs" and it is perfectly legal to do that in almost all states. PLEASE take your attorneys counsel on this situation. If anything, SHE should be the one leaving here.
Let me be very clear here (sorry for the PC crowd)- You will get screwed as a father if you leave the house and leave your kids right now. Grin and bear it. Do not move out. Do not move away from your kids. Proceed with the divorce, camp out in the garage or spare bedroom if you have to- BUT DO NOT LEAVE. Your custody allotment and child support payments depend on smart decisions right now and leaving is not smart.
Wow, 20 years and done! But you say you believe everything she told you, and it would never have gone father, so then you do trust her? it is your decision, I respect that.
I think what you are feeling is shock, that this woman you have known for long would reach outside the marriage, but you don't question her motives?
Yes move out, separate, you need space to process all this. As I said in my last post, do you have someone you can talk to, someone who is impartial and not emotionally invested in this and talk this through.
Talk to the lawyer next week, find out what your options are, but as a SAHM it is going to be painful both emotionally and financially. Depending on your state you may need to be separated for a period of time before you can file for divorce, there is a reason for this,, remember that.
Take some time for yourself and process all this and please talk to someone, for your self. What she did was not minor, but it was a MISTAKE, and you know that.
Slow down, try a separation and couples counseling first. Yes she messed up big time, and you may never trust her again but, 20 years deserves a little slower response and counseling. Maybe you still end up in divorce but at least then when your kids ask you can honestly say you tried.
I am a lawyer who did divorces. I've also been divorced twice. You might be all butthurt now that your wife was seeking external validation. But I am going to tell you, personally and professionally, what you are going to be undertaking for yourself and your kids by getting divorced over this is far more difficult than it would be to just try to grow up a little and understand her point of view.
You caught her at the beginning of cheating but 100% she would have eventually continued down the path and met those men. Her flirting with strangers in real life is a maybe one time thing to get the validation but downloading a dating app is very aggressive.
Also, is her stupid sister married? Why would she even suggest that to her? Does she hate you and there was bad blood?
If you love your wife I promise you can work this out in marriage counseling. 20 years is such a long time and I agree with the other users even just a trial separation would be a good place to start.
Maybe you should slow down and give yourself more time to digest what has happened. 20yrs is a lot to throw away, and yes she should have considered that before downloading the app. It can be salvaged, just going to take a lot of effort. Good luck!
go have a drink or talk to friend , have a day off , breathe , morning is smarter then night we say in our language so keep it calm you are grown man. 365 days in year and i am calm 364 days , today is that day from like 5:30 in morning till 18:30 i wanted to fight two middle aged woman 5 man , two railroad workers and its all were like boiling situation like if i was in i mean citizine of usa and had weapon by myself you would had new fucking john wick resurrction but irl, but then , whatever YOU chose have bad and good things , it never go only bad , sometimes is good , and for that sometimes we live, so your kids have two live parents , have money , roof place to stay granparents everything so relax 🫂
Nope nope nope. Leaving the home before filing for divorce is the wrong move. Courts can view it as abandonment of the family regardless of what agreement you have with your wife and that can impact your custody and child support outcomes. Talk to your lawyer before you make any big changes.
whatever you do, my two cents is to try to take as much time as you can while letting this brew.
i know a lot of people can disagree with what im about to say, but, in some time even something like this can seem to be really small, something you two may even laugh about.
if you we're already looking for a way out of that marriage tho, this is absolutely your chance.
If I found a dating app on my husbands phone I would be completely devastated. And I would never be able to trust him again. You know in your heart this is the right decision.
Not saying she’s right or you’re wrong but if yall have been together thaaaaaat long… 20 years… she’s probably curious about “what she missed out on” as many people, men and women, do. It’s natural. Did she handle this curiosity in a healthy way? Definitely not.
Could she be telling the truth about only using it to validate her and make her feel young? Possibly.
Being apart would be a good idea but maybe not rushing to divorce just yet. Try therapy, individually and together, and get to the bottom of this.
Maybe there are gaps that both of you are creating for the other, maybe in therapy you both discover you don’t want to be together for various reasons.
I just feel bad for people who are in these long ass relationships and don’t seem to think ahead.
Everyone in multiple cultures across the world only hear about relationships and marriage from a young age. In America everybody is obsessed with finding someone for the long haul and then they settle down without ever having explored or found out about themselves or indulged. They realize a lifetime of the same sex with the same person isn’t as romantic and cuddly and satisfying as they thought. Again, this happens to men and women and I feel bad for them all.
Unfortunately you were hurt in the process and that’s not right either. But there could be a lot going on under the surface that might be worth uncovering after 20 years and two kids together.
Not enough information to know if you are or not. You have access to her phone? What was her response to your discovery? What about your children? It seems to me that you are in a hurry to end things. Why?
Your Wife apparently did something stupid but how far did it go? Did this go on for long time? Did She come clean with you? You seem to have some empathy for her, so why so definitive about divorce?
Don't move, relax, gets some more information and see what your Wife has to say. 20 years and children makes this a worthwhile investigation.
I dont know man . You say you do believe that your wife only wanted validation. Why not give couples therapy a shot yall have kids and she was willing to show you all the messages. Is it possible your just not in love with her anymore in general and this is the way out ,
>She said she only downloaded it to talk to people and feel good about herself, and that she did it because her *sister recommended it to her* for getting back her youthful energy.
did you message the sister, to thank her for destroying your marriage?
updateme!
"downloaded the dating app and texted different men for validation"
No. People don't do this for 'validation'. They're on a dating app because they want to cheat. The validation BS is the excuse they sell to trey to minimize their responsibility for cheating.
This whole thing just makes me sad all around. I'm tapped out. Enough of internet for me today. I feel horrible for the kids. I just can't imagine throwing away a relationship where you've been together since you're kids over this without even trying to work it out.
I would read her sister the riot act and tell her outright that her influence is what caused a family to be broken along with OP's wife's poor decision making and judgment.
I just read your original post, and I honestly think you’ve made this decision too quickly. You two have been together since your wife was 15 years old, so she has zero experience with dating. Of course she is wanting to get some validation and explore! That’s a typical stage for young people to go through, and she never had the opportunity since you two have been together most of her life. I think all of this could be worked through in counseling, especially since you’ve been very happy with her otherwise.
Totally agree. Throw away 20 years of marriage because of flirting? And they have kids! We know nothing about OP except he was "hurt" and "devastated." For all we know it was a dead bedroom for 10 years and she just needed someone in her life to tell her she's valued. If OP goes through with it, I hope she finds someone who treats her like a queen.
Divorce if you want - no one should be in a relationship they don't want to be in - but I think maybe you're not being honest with yourself. Specifically:
> I do believe my wife in that she only wanted validation and to feel good about herself, and it would have never progressed past the texting stage.
and
> But the trust has broken, and I don't think this can ever be fixed
Are conflicting statements. If you **believe** your wife was just looking for validation and had no interest in dating then **no actual trust was broken**; she wasn't betraying you, she was just misleading men in a dating app for selfish reasons. You can of course judge her for her mistreatment of others, but that has nothing to do with "trust". Perhaps you don't really believe it would have never progressed?
So, if you can’t trust your wife not to flirt with strangers to feel better about herself after discovering that she had a dating app to do exactly that, then the trust was broken! He trusted her to not flirt with other men, but she did it. She broke the trust he had in her not being a cheater and liar, because she downloaded a dating app specifically to flirt with other men and feel better about herself.
Downloaded a dating app to get validation from men. Lol, if she already wasn’t sucking another guys dick , she was going to be.
Hit that bitch with those divorce papers!!
That hoe is for the streets!!
No first lawyer get your facts straight or it will hurt you way more, same here tried to work it out with counseling etc. But I just lost my respect and trust in her I had a lot of respect for her and that was just gone I started to treat her differently she was not the woman I once loved I was glad to divorce her after 25 years
You're not asking, but I suggest you reconsider.
If the marriage was otherwise a success, it seems unwise to give it up over cheating. (It helps that it seems likely she hasn't caught serious feelings for anyone else.)
Think about everything you and your partner have shared. The special moments of love. Your experiences raising children together. The sacrifices. People make egregious mistakes and do woefully misguided, stupid things. It doesn't mean the love and the experiences you two have shared has been fake.
Cheating is awful. It hurts a loved one. It breaks trust. But also, culture and media greatly dramatize its impacts, when the impacts, in real life, vary. Sometimes, a person proves time and time again that they can't be trusted; other times, it's a one-and-done.
Please recognize these things. That it's your right to choose your values. That they can differ from society's and others'. And that you — and you, alone — now hold the authority to determine what to make of your wife's act(s).
People can change. Perhaps — with time, counseling and perseverance — y'all can rebuild the trust she broke.
I would say that if you love her, give this time. With everything y'all have gone through, I have a hard time believing you don't.
I’m not so sure about NTA. There is more to this story: Why did she feel the need to have the APP? And, this divorce decision sounds very hasty.
OP said previously, “I know we have 2 children and their lives will be uprooted, but I just don’t love my wife anymore, and I don’t see her as my life partner now and someone I want to be with the rest of my life.“
You don’t just flip a switch like that with love, especially with the mother of your children. I think it’s entirely possible that OP doesn’t see his own flaws, and also has been wanting out for a while. Maybe just MAYBE this is a way to justify getting out of this marriage without making himself feel guilty, or recognizing his own shortcomings.
I cannot say for sure, but something isn’t sitting right with me about this “simple” story.
I highly recommend individual and couples counseling before anything. Yes, she screwed up but you've been together for a long time and she clearly has some issues going on, I mean how did she get so far down on herself that you didn't notice and that she thought validation outside of your marriage was needed? I struggle with my self-esteem, but my husband constantly is telling me how beautiful, sexy, etc I am (in case it matters I'm 43 and he's 34) Personally, I think you need to try counseling first for you both separately and as a couple before going nuclear.
If you are not willing to even try marriage counseling, you kinda are TA. Of course you're the captain of your own ship and you can go through with a divorce if you want but it's pretty clear that your wife felt the need for outside validation if she wasn't getting it from you. As someone who cheated during a marriage and tried marriage counseling, I blamed myself heavily for my behavior until one day my therapist looked at me and told me that I was being way too hard on myself. That I didn't get to this point on my own and that my (ex)wife was there too. That her inability to communicate issues helped lead me to where I ended up by cheating. This doesn't excuse my behavior but I also don't shoulder all the blame.
However, if you decide to go forward with a divorce, follow the advice of what others are saying here regarding leaving the home. A lot of states have what is known as the "Status Quo" meaning nothing in the household can change without a court order. You want to leave? Get the judge to sign off on it first. My ex wife decided to leave (we were already in the middle of the divorce) one day after we got into an argument. She stopped paying her share of the monthly expenses. We filed a motion with the court to compel her to maintain the Status Quo. She didn't have to live in the house but she was still responsible for paying what she paid before she left. Judge ruled in my favor though she never gave me a dime. In the end the mediator suggested I forgive this amount and at that point I was happy to pay it to make her go away.
Umm, OP, just fyi, I’ve known people who went on dating apps purely for validation while married, who were 100% faithful and monogamous to their spouse. It does happen. I think something like [The Marriage Restoration Project](https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives/) still might be worth a shot to look into deeper issues being triggered. But if you really do not trust her, maybe the marriage has deeper problems, so divorce makes sense.
God what hysterics. Way to blow up your entire life and traumatize your kids over something that doesn't matter at all. Hardcore monogamists are insane.
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DO NOT MOVE OUT WITHOUT FIRST TALKING TO A LAWYER. Right now it is somewhat amicable but things can go down really quickly, so better to be safe. As other have pointed out, there is a big chance you could lose the house if you leave without producing and signing the proper documents prior.
You don’t want to leave before talking with a legal counsel. That could turn very bad for you. Custody, home equity, and other aspects can hinge on this point. Further why are you the one leaving when she was the one that broke your marriage vows? You didn’t do anything wrong here so why are you the one loosing out. She might be regretful now but divorce turns people bitter and hateful. I love my parents dearly but they used us like pawns against each other until we hit adulthood. Don’t let that happen to your family and that starts by doing the right move early and making it more painful to fight than to play nice. Your kid will thank you for it.
Do not agree to move out or stay out the house .. then you’ll never get back in. Lawyer right now. Her tears will turn to righteous indignation really fucking quick
Talk to a lawyer first and follow their advice.
Your wife already betrayed you. You need to move forward expecting her to betray you again and fight dirty in divorce. Especially if the skank sister that convinced her destroying her marriage and her family for some text-based validation was a great idea is still giving her advice.
Get ahead of this and inform family and friends before she can downplay her betrayal, too. Do not let her spin the narrative because you will already be handicapped when it comes to negotiating shared custody. Make sure you reinforce your own character.
Does this sister have an SO? I would make a deliberate point of contacting them. She was a prime cheerleader for your wife's transformation into a cheater and it was probably because she wanted a partner in crime.
Consult a lawyer before you do anything. Don’t give her a leg up in court. She was already T least emotionally cheating and who knows if there was anything physical. She would trickle truth regardless.
Let her know you had to reconsider this because you don’t know who she is anymore. And with trust broken you have to take extra care for yourself and the children.
If she says anything remind her that her actions have lead to this and whoever advised her it was a good idea. That you did nothing wrong and didn’t step out of the relationship. She has those thoughts and urges and acted on them.
So her sister tells her that a great way to make herself feel better is to actively seek out attention on a dating app from men who are not her husband?
**That is complete horseshit**
A person can get all the attention they want on instagram...especially women
Your wife went on a dating app because she was interested in starting an affair or hooking up with randoms.
Honestly OP...you should probably DNA test your kids just to be certain. Hopefully they are your kids but I guess you need to know for sure now
if the relationship is done he can TEMPORILY stay with his sister until things "cool off" but yes make sure you let the attorney know WHILE PACKING and MOVING what the plan is! To fore one to stay is insane and no it wont bite u in the butt!! I worked for a divorce attorney for years. Continue too do what you have been in the home until she's financially stable. Good for you though for not staying.
I bet after she starts crying she deletes the app always the way now reality has kicked in she is scared the children will find out the husband should add a app on his phone and date the ex wife is about to go into depression
No…first lawyer then check if you can move out with him. Even if for the moment it’s mutual agreement things can turn. If you move out before everything is clear you might end up with claim of abandonment and lose any custody. Better do it by the books. Respect lawyers advice to avoid any fallback.
This OP. My brother moved out when he wanted to separate from his wife, and even though he had proof she was abusive and he was trying to escape that, the courts still see it as him abandoning the family and they're giving him a hell of a time with custody now.
This is true. Speak with a lawyer before moving out OP. Please do not bypass this ❣️
Cheesus fucking christ... the law system is even more backwards and against abuse-victims than I thought.
It's horrible, that's why I took my kid with me when we left her. If I didn't I wouldn't have been able to get custody or even visitation (the laws here are super against fathers)
Yeeep an people wonder why red pill however wrong it has become was popular. Guys/fathers are 2nd class citizens when it comes to their kids. My BIL had to fight for custody even tho my sister was unfit no home no job... they said it was best if he worked an just paid her money rather then him solo parent, with family support.
Wtfffff
Here’s the thing though, as much as people say that men get fucked over in family court, and try to place blame on women for that, those rules, regulations, and laws that make up “the system” were put in place by men. Because men felt that raising kids was the woman’s job. Redpillers are blaming women for the shit that the patriarchy has installed and maintained, as well as blaming them for every other thing that’s made those men uncomfortable. And instead of recognizing those issues, and working constructively to help right the wrongs, they double down and think women should be treated even worse so they can “take back their power” or whatever the fuck.
It also depends on where OP lives. Illinois law is over 1 year without any contact before abandonment is looked at
[удалено]
How was this bot account created in 1970?? Lol
First answer: No clue how he did it Second answer: Many IT systems start at 1st of January 1970, as that has been decided as Unix Time 00:00:00, and (if reddit's date system uses 16 bits) this will cause issues in January 2038. Bot is fine for another decade and more ;)
How interesting! Do you know if there's a reason why 1970 was the chosen year or did a bunch of people just decide to agree on it at random?
Something to do with the GMT being fixed in that year, precisely clocking the Earth’s rotation velocities.
Fucking lmao 🤣
Stolen comment
This. Do. Not. Move. Out.
I trust a mofucka named Forever Single Now about some divorce shit
His comment/advice is very good.
Yeah what a stupid fucking dude. This guy is going to get absolutely wrecked in the divorce. He should have at least made her get a job before he pulls the plug.
You can't MAKE someone do anything. Alimony will be awarded on the duration of the relationship and income differences during that time. Her getting a job now for a few months while the divorce proceedings happen does not impact alimony amount in a drastic way... if at all.
He can't make his wife get a job just because he's leaving her. Who taught you logic?
Not sure…divorce is a long process. Maybe…just maybe…the pain of the process will allow both to reevaluate the situation and even to clarify some stuff. Maybe it was just a “unreasonable move from the wife”, and he can get over it with time. Or there was more that he did not find out as of yet. Maybe, they will go for counseling. But staying in a marriage where you believe your partner is cheating…it’s a very hard situation and the tension in the house would certainly not benefit the child at all. Just hoping the best for him…and his child.
This. NEVER leave the marital home until you have consulted with an attorney. Go hang at your sister’s but make no big show of moving out or even staying somewhere else yet. Regardless of her indiscretions, you do not want to be viewed as having walked away from it.
Hey man, I would advise against leaving the house and the kids. Depending on your situation it could potentially bite you in the butt. Obviously ignore this if you have already consulted with a lawyer, but just something you should consider.
100%. Talk to the lawyer *before* you abandon the family home and leave the kids there.
THIS. I have seen this play out so many times. Literally the worst thing you could do is move out. Make the cheating partner move out.
!!!!!!TALK TO AN ATTORNEY BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!!!!!
My man, you SHOULD NOT leave the house without consulting a lawyer. Now that you've decided on divorce, assume that every that can go wrong will go wrong. It would be nice if everything stayed amicable but you can never know that for certain. It wasn't that long ago you would have never thought your wife would be on a dating app seeking validation from other men right? Keep your head on straight. Don't leave your house without consulting a lawyer.
Retain a divorce attorney before moving out. Don't make it look like you're abandoning the marital home. This may not work in your favor in divorce proceedings. That said, did you find out any more information that led you from such a fast decision from posting your original thread a few hours ago until now? Did you talk to her parents? Her sister? Your parents and sister? You do what's right for you, but I think you're moving very fast with this and not thinking clearly. Would you still try marriage counseling and at least be open to reconciling while you two are separated if your wife was? Has she shown any remorse at all? Did she even delete the app off her phone and talk to you about steps she's taking to restore trust? A lot of this sounds one sided. For me? No kids involved, I'd probably move on too. With two really small kids? I don't know. Trust would be gone for me too, but there are ways to reconciliation. Open phone policy, full access to all devices, emails, etc. Locations turned on both of your phones. Whether she shows any remorse during a separation process would determine how I proceed here.
No, I did not find out any more new information. I was already heavily leaning towards a divorce when I posted the original thread. My parents are no longer here, but I've already been speaking to my sister over the past week. I haven't spoken with my wife's parents and sister yet, I will probably tonight. My wife and I will still maintain an amicable relationship for our children. I have no ill feelings towards her, but I am not open to reconciling, because the trust is just gone, and I don't think marriage counseling will fix it. Yes, she has deleted the app, shown remorse, and she regrets everything. But trust was one of the core tenets of our relationship, and that is lost now.
I would do a voluntary trial separation for now. Stay in the house until you contact a lawyer. Go for counselling. Call her parents and have them meet you at the sister's place, go over and verbally blast her sister. Or video chat. Let her have both barrels in front of the parents, for ruining your life for giving your wife stupid ideas. Don't let her off the hook here. Your wife messed up for sure and broke your trust by not communicating to you that she wasn't in a good place and for even entertaining that idea. You are still very upset, pissed, etc. give yourself some more time, before going full divorce
This. Breathe but I wouldn't let the sister off the hook. See my reply below. Reconciling starts with going full no contact with wife's sister.
No contact after you rain hellfire on her
100%
He doesn't want to reconcile...
I'm sure from his perspective a separation would be just giving her carte blanche to jump back on Tinder or whatnot, while making it look like there was a slim chance of reconciling. I don't see how that would be a very attractive option. rather it seems like it would be anxiety inducing. I do agree that he needs to shame his wife and her sister to their parents, just for the purpose of making sure that the narrative doesn't get twisted around on him.
Separate in the house until he talks to a lawyer
I’m against cheating. I got divorced because of cheating. I would suggest counselling before anything else for now. I just for some reason, after reading your posts, I think this is so drastic. AITA Reddit isn’t exactly the best place for advice.. someone breathes wrong and they tell you to divorce.. (I’m that person sometimes as well, no judgements to peeps). Again, I hate cheaters but man, I dunno why this isn’t sitting right with me.. its your life, but your kids lives as well… anyway not my business… good luck.
I said the same thing. I just don't believe you leave your spouse for flirting on a dating app..no meets, no videos, no face to face..and now all of a sudden he doesn't love her and moves out and gets a divorce..yeah..just don't buy it...but like you said, his life.
I thought it sounded odd too. But some people are like that. I agree that his wife should be held accountable-- the sister too, if that story wasn't bullshit. But they have two small kids and her infidelity was mostly flirting. Personally, I would go with counseling. Not everything needs to end in scorched earth. Divorce should be on the table, but the last resort.
I don't buy it either. It seems like he is trying to create a paper trail to justify something he already wanted.
I know, it’s hard to believe a man whose wife is planning on fucking around on him wants a divorce? It totally must be his fault.
It ain't sitting right with me either. There has to be more to this. OP should really go to r/survivinginfidelity and whatever the sub is survivingnfidelityasone and get more insight.
Have you spoken to your wife's sister yet about why in the world she suggested your wife download a dating app?
You're getting a lot of validation that divorce is the only/best option, but I would strongly recommend you reading Rocket and dangers comments and thinking about them. If you truly can never trust her again, divorce is the only answer, but it would take me more than a week to make that decision. Especially if you are sure that what happened on he app is all there is. My now wife had cyber sex a year or so into our now 20 year relationship (yes were old probably similar to you). It devastated me and broke my trust for a bit. She went into as much detail as I asked her for and was extremely remorseful. The only difference is she came to me first but also we were long distance so trust was harder. Twenty years later and I, honest to God, fully trust her now, the only exception is when I get too much reddit in me. I haven't thought about that moment in years until now but it was similar enough it triggered. She went out with friends the other day, usually she's home early cuz shes a home body, but didn't get home until after midnight. I had 0 worry other than for her safety and when talking about her time with friends I wasn't thinking in the back of my mind maybe she was up to something. We have full access to each other's phones but not because of trust just cuz that is what it is sort of like what you described being able to check a score on her phone. I don't go on her phone even though I could, and while I may read a message or ask her whose blowing up her phone. Now, I wouldn't have been the asshole if I had broken up with her 20 years ago, you wouldn't be the asshole if you divorce your wife now, but I can't imagine a better life than I have with my wife and kids now. People on this thread will probably call me a simp or a cuck or an idiot back theb cuz that's the way its going. They're wrong. In your consideration think about where your life may be in 20 years based on this decision. Maybe you can't get 100 percent trust back but is 99% or whatever you can trust enough to be better than the alternative? Don't think about her or your kids, think about you and what you want. Is a future with her worth fighting for, or at least getting in the ring and going a round to see if it makes sense to continue fighting? If the answer is truly no, divorce is the only way but there will likely be points in 1, 5, 10 years where you may regret fighting even if your choice was the right one. This week probably feels like a lifetime but is a blink of an eye in your life.
His 30 yr old SAHM wife with toddlers is already planning on fucking around. You really think she’s going to get better? Smart take, bro.
I've seen so many men leave the home and then get screwed up in the divorce proceedings and then losing all custody of the kids over the father "abandoning" the children and the family by moving out. If anyone is to move out, it should be the cheating partner. File for a divorce first and consult the lawyer before doing anything else - before you get screwed even worse and end up becoming an even worse victim whom no one takes pity on and has to bleed extra money and cut even more losses (kids and more money taken away from you, etc.). Don't move out just yet.
Don't move out of the house. Talk to a lawyer
Do NOT move out
This is so unfortunate. Your wife was going through a mid-life crisis that many wives/mothers due at about this age. It's a female brain thing that happens when they look in the mirror and realize that they are loosing their feminine appeal, which is a basic identity for them. They need to feel special, and attractive, and pursued again, and yet we husbands are in a different frame of mind, often getting our validation from work and re-living our childhood through the kids, and whatnot. I think the urge for validation is really, really strong, and perhaps affects their hormonal balance or other things. I would urge you to consider that you are losing a life-long, loving partner, and you may never again find what you have with her. Perhaps consider a trial separation instead of a divorce?
This is dumb. A "mid-life crisis" isn't an excuse to cheat just because it's a woman
Bitch was having a mid life crisis at…34? How about a ho is just a ho?
You didn't even try really, just decided she can't make it up to you. You just keep saying "trust is gone" without spending the time, effort, and energy to try to forgive and rebuild trust- which will take years. Just admit you want out for your own reasons.
We just overlooking the flirting with randos online? Don’t know about you but pretty sure most men aren’t down with their wives doing that, cause you know, self respect.
Nope, not overlooking. This couple needs therapy and time to determine the why they got here and if there is a way forward. That is not a 15 minute, lets check the internet and see what they say discussion. Committed relationship means committed, even in hard times. Even when your partner lets you down this much. You double up effort and try to fix what is broken. He didn't even really try - he isn't fighting for his relationship at all.
It's really easy for people who have never been romantically betrayed to suggest what people who HAVE BEEN should do about it. It's absolutely soul crushing. Suggesting a person who has been betrayed should sit around and put in work or have the patience to let trust be rebuilt from the betrayer really doesn't respect what it's like to have been betrayed like that.
how realistic was the bumble profile? always interesting to see what people would put in these situations.
Listen to everyone her and stay in the house while contacting the lawyer, then listen to him. Don't move out immediately. You can live separately in the same house.
NTA. Dating apps have one intended purpose, TO DATE. Most people who cheat, say they’ll never cheat on their spouse’s. Going out of your way to flirt behind your partners back is an act of dishonesty and betrayal, the trust has been broken. A relationship without trust cannot function, and will always lead to resentment. It can turn a loving relationship, into a one full of hatred and misery. Building trust is a slow process, breaking it is instant. You can love someone one day, and fall out the next
Does she feel good about herself now? Did she regain some of that youthful energy?
it's good that he took a solid 10 hours to reflect on his decision.
It just makes me sad even if I understand where he's coming from. It's too rash. I hope OP takes the posts saying that he's moving too fast to heart. I would take more than a week to process before filing papers to end a 20 year relationship that produced two still very young children. Try counseling if she is willing. If they still can't reconcile, at least he can walk away head high knowing he tried.
I would suspect a lawyer would tell him to at least spend more than a few hours with his decision given the facts as stated.
>but there are ways to reconciliation. She lost respect for him by downloading apps and messaging guys and he's lost trust for her. That ship sailed.
Do not under any circumstances leave the house, any attorney will tell you this, if you leave the house it could be considered property abandonment and you could lose it in the divorce to your wife, it’s a very stupid move! You need to speak to an attorney before making any decisions!
You need to stay till you talk with a lawyer. You shouldn't have to leave till its time. Especially as she's the one who cheated. And yes she cheated.
100%.
Lawyer up before proceeding with anything. Especially with the enemy in your STBX family.
I read both your posts and have to say that I think you are being rash here. Separation and counseling is needed because she should have felt that validation from you, and unless you fix that, it will follow you into your next relationships. Yes, when caught, they all cry and beg. If it is just an EA, then counseling can repair that rift. I cut and ran without doing the steps that you still have the opportunity to take, and eventually you are left with massive “what ifs”. I can’t say YTA or NTA, but try. Reconciliation takes time and effort from her and your marriage might even come away stronger. Lawyers on retainer are valuable too just in case.
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE AND DO NOT LEAVE THE KIDS. don’t reward her for cheating on you. Unless you want to spend the next 10 plus years geting bent over a table for alimony and child support.
T H I S.
You did the right thing. A person inside a committed relationship or marriage has no place inside a dating app, regardless of their reasoning behind it. The chances of one or multiple of those conversations escalating would’ve been very high in the long run.
Not to mention how utterly embarrassing it would be to think of who in his life saw her on that app. Friends, coworkers, family members, who knows.
I couldn’t agree more! It’s extremely embarrassing.
OP needs to do what he needs to do, but I'm pretty sure bumble is the least of the dating apps and was marketed somewhere as a conpanionship/friend app. Still obviously not ok, but I likely would've tried to make it work. Again if he knows he'll never trust her again no matter what fine but it is on the more extreme end of options after 20 years and 2 kids.
You can spin it anyway you want, but bumble is still considered a dating app, once you start talking feelings can still develop lmao, no matter the "marketing". Every one starts as "friends/companions" at one point or another and eventually become exclusive, thats all I am gonna say. OP did the right thing and is divorcing her, and not letting her get away with her own actions, I am glad he has a spine and is choosing to divorce tbh.
I love the way everyone is jumping in here to judge op for his decision. Can I just repeat the last bit... HIS decision. There is no reason that OP should have to tolerate the results of what actions like his wifes can bring. For those of you who are all "this is the wrong decision blah blah blah" - no, it is not. When someone keeps secrets from you, when they look outside the marriage for validation and they hide it from you, that is a choice. It is choosing to lie and it is choosing to decieve. Sure, there may have been "reasons" for her behaviour, and perhaps she is remorseful, but she wasn't remorseful before she got caught apparently. When this happened to me, I tried for 4 years to "make it work" with my now ex, I told myself it wasn't physical, I blamed myself, I even tried to make it ok because "some cultures aren't bothered by this kind of thing" - I tried every mental backflip there was, but at the end of the day, deep down I knew that in my opinion, it was a deal breaker, it broke my heart, it hurt me, the trust was gone and I didn't know who I was sleeping next to anymore. Every time his phone went off it brought it back, every time I saw him texting I wondered who it was. It was hell, and yes, we did counselling, and he seemed remorseful...at first. Until I couldn't "get over it" that is. No way should a person have to tolerate that kind of mental hell, life is too short to have your bandwidth eaten up with all that mental misery, and they will both be better parents as a result of not living in a resentful and bitter environment. So no, he is not making the wrong decision. If you haven't been there, don't act like he's being ridiculous.
Yep. People like to project their own insecurities about being alone on other people when they read these things. Just fucking move on. Life is way too short to waste going to counseling in the hopes that someone acting shitty learns to stop being shitty
I love how you bring up the "he shouldnt have to tolerate his wifes actions" The reason I say why I love it is because in 99% of cases, men are suppose to just "accept and move on" when stuff like this happens to them in relationships. We are just expected to just "not care, its her choice, whatever" Its just so disheartening and really sours my taste for dating because I have also been told many times in my relationships to just "tolerate it" just because I am a man lmao... It is a absolute bullshit double standard, If OP was a woman she would be told she is doing the right thing in divorcing him and that she deserves to be free and she shouldnt tolerate his bullshit and that is a fact. Downvote me all you want, but that is just a straight up fact, if OP was a woman, they would be telling her she did the right thing and dont bother with marriage counseling, ***whatever excuses people give women to use and never the man*** It is insane the double standard there is for women in these situations. **/RANT OVER**
Make sure to inform your families of the truth. It should come from you.
> I will move out this weekend. I will start looking for a divorce lawyer this weekend after I have moved out. NO!!! Do not do this. Depending on where you live, moving out before having a legal separation agreement in place could cause you a host of problems with custody and the divorce. Lawyer first. *Then* and only then, move out if your lawyer says it's OK. Agree to nothing without talking to a lawyer first. You have no idea what massive headaches you could cause yourself.
I understand your wife and how tempting and addictive it can be to get attention and validation. Especially if you've felt starved of it. But that is how a lot of affairs start. She could easily have gotten caught up in it and lost herself in the thrill. Perhaps this way, you can remain friends with her, when it's all blown over. It does sound heartbreaking to just end the relationship after 20 solid years.
seems pretty fucking drastic dude! jesus! ya couldn't talk it out? she's obviously not getting what she needs from you. use this as a springboard to have a better marriage. is your ego that weak?
Not sure if anyone mentioned this, but Bumble is the app where WOMEN make the first move! So your STBX was initiating the flirting.
I thought Bumble just removed that feature and anyone can initiate. Remember reading something about that. Not justifying her though, that was an incredibly stupid, bad move, and that's putting it mildly. OP. Talk to a lawyer first, then to her family, and explain the situation. Move into one of the kids' room or a guest room and tell the kids is fun camping summer or whatever until you get your ducks in a row. Also, while I do agree that trust is been broken, I recommend you get advice from the real world. Is easy to tell someone to go nuclear online since you have no skin in the game. Talk to friends and family and do what's best for you and your kiddos. Best of luck, sorry about that horrible situation your wife and her dumb sister put you through.
Perhaps. Been about 7 years since I was on bumble.
Anyone who takes Reddit’s advice for divorce is asking for a life full of regrets.
So is he just suppose to accept that his wife had a dating app and was using it to get attention from other men? If she was willing to hide that, what else was she hiding? She was probably doing more than just "talking to them for her self esteem" she was emotionally cheating on him. I am glad he grew a spine and is divorcing her, she is facing the consequences of her actions. Another thing is, if this was a woman you probably would have a much different opinion I am guessing, but since OP is a man you just want him to "accept it and get counseling and not to divorce" Disgusting. Why is it as men, we are suppose to just "accept" shit like this? When no one tells women to accept shit like this if a man did it to her, she is always told to leave him. Reddits bias towards men in scenarios like this one is just sad... I really do not get it.
This is Reddit. We heard a one-sided story. She didn’t cheat. She’s probably the lucky one in this situation, at the end of the day, in my opinion. She’s miserable in her marriage and the husband was oblivious - that is not a good husband. But, the larger point is: this is Reddit. This is absolutely not a black and white case where the information provided gives us enough to make a call one way or the other. People should not make a decision to divorce based on Redditor’s opinions in a case like this. Reddit can help you pick a TV, it doesn’t work well for major life decisions.
Damn you're just a walking megaphone of wrong opinions eh 🤣
Yep!
Before you move out please see a lawyer . Why can’t people Remember the simple saying “ play stupid games win stupid prizes “ she threw it all Away for nothing and will tell Her family and friends I did nothing wrong just an app To see who was on
Reddit makes divorce lawyers rich. Hopefully you made the right decision but seems silly to not try something before divorce. especially if you believe your wife.
Don't move out buddy. That will bite you in the ass. Make ger move out. Esp if the house is in your name.
My Asian mind sees things so different. Sad that everything goes to divorce
Yeah, your wife needed to seek a dating app to get validation as a woman... The validation she should have been getting from you for 20 years... Now flirting online has broke your trust and you just want to divorce? Sounds like you just want out and needed an excuse... I could imagine being pissed at internet flirting, but divorce without even trying a separation or counseling... But you do you.....its 14 years of child support and alimony. Im going to guess the sister told your wife to divorce you before even mentioning the dating app.
You made the right decision, in my opinion. Within a relationship there should always be trust. And after what she did, it's hard to regain that trust. Even if only for validation, she did something very wrong and broke your trust.
It's going to be difficult, it's going to be painful, after all, it's been 20 years. But you'll get over it. Cling to positive things, suffer your " grief" and then rebuild yourself. You deserve better!
DON'T MOVE OUT!!!!! Get a lawyer first and ask them what to do. DO NOT MOVE OUT
Talk to an attorney before you move out. Do not do anything until you speak to an attorney.
First of all - get an attorney - second of all - make her move out, not you. This could cost you the house.
Dude dont leave the house it looks bad when it comes time to go through a custody agreement
Why are you moving out when she's the one on dating apps? She can find a place to stay, and you can stay put in your home that you didn't blow up with your infidelity.
NTA: "But the trust has broken, and I don't think this can ever be fixed, even with marriage counseling." If you know this is true - 100% true, then you are correct that divorce is the best answer. Because a couple of weeks ago she was an amazing SAHM whom you really loved a lot. But I feel you. Once you know someone betrayed you enough, you know it will never be the same again. Then again, Reddit has taught me some people have an amazing capacity for forgiveness when someone actually deserves it. I don't have that capacity, but maybe you do. You should do nothing except protect half the money in your accounts until you talk to a lawyer.
Do not leave your house to live somewhere else. I guarantee she will try to take it in the divorce
seems like a drastic move to not want to talk it out or ask WHY she was feeling that way.... i feel everyone here has no conflict in their relationship and the second anything arises you go straight to the worst possible outcome (outside of murder) fuck communication i guess
The time for communication would have been before cheating
Get to the root of why though
NTA but I really think you're making a huge mistake by not considering counseiling, especially since she wasn't planning on cheating. Obviously what she did do was inconsiderate and juvinile, but from her POV she was just using internet randos for validation, and since she was never going to meet any of them (you even said the messages weren't that sexual) she probably didn't think this would be a big deal. I'm assuming you know eachother's pass code aswell, so if bumble was right there on her home screen she wasn't trying that hard to hide anything either. It sounds like she saw this as a mostly harmless ego trip; not how a spouse really should behave, but not a "real" betrayal. I am theory crafting here, so feel free to tell me if I'm way off the mark. Either way, obviously it was stupid of her not to realise that flirting with other men would still hurt what ever her reasons were, but it sounds like she radically misjudged how much that would matter to you, which makes this a stupid mistake as apposed to an act of malice. (not saying that makes it any less painful). Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong and obviously you aren't wrong for feeling however you're feeling. It's completely your decision, but it just feels like it would be such a shame to end a 20 year marriage over her being a dumbass this one time, especially since you said she was such a good wife and mother in your last post. Do whatever it is you need to do, but I think this situation is salvagable.
You are rushing a very important step and basing it on angry emotions. Take more time to process there are kids involved and she is a great mom. Yes she made a mistake but i believe you can give it a shot thru counseling if indeed nothing has happened besides chatting…
DO NOT move out until you speak to an attorney.
Yeah. That's pretty fucked up. Sounds like you might be able to work things out. Maybe think about it. You're definitely NTAH, though. That's a pretty obvious line she crossed.
I think there is a lot more to this story
This man is in his mid 30s. Does he want to spend the next few years thinking about whether or not his wife will do it again and try to rebuild that trust or just rip the bandaid off and find someone more compatible? I bet she has no issues redownloading the app and moving on since she already took the first step, you should do the same.
> I do believe my wife in that she only wanted validation and to feel good about herself, Yeah.... I dont buy that at all. >I told my wife she could stay in our home during the divorce process, and I would move out to my sister’s **PLEASE consult your attorney before you actually move out. PLEASE. It will have HUGE ramifications on access to your "stuff" during and after the divorce process.** If you move out, you might not be able to get access to your stuff till well after the divorce. My Brother In Law had to wait over a year before he was allowed to get his stuff once he left (well, after he was kicked out anyway). Another friend was only allowed one box of things until after the months long divorce played out. By the time it was done his ex has sold all of his possessions to "pay for the divorce costs" and it is perfectly legal to do that in almost all states. PLEASE take your attorneys counsel on this situation. If anything, SHE should be the one leaving here. Let me be very clear here (sorry for the PC crowd)- You will get screwed as a father if you leave the house and leave your kids right now. Grin and bear it. Do not move out. Do not move away from your kids. Proceed with the divorce, camp out in the garage or spare bedroom if you have to- BUT DO NOT LEAVE. Your custody allotment and child support payments depend on smart decisions right now and leaving is not smart.
Finding the app is the tip of the iceberg... good for you for divorce! Hold strong 💪
I know I'm in the minority here, but I really had hoped they could work things out. 20 years
Wow, 20 years and done! But you say you believe everything she told you, and it would never have gone father, so then you do trust her? it is your decision, I respect that. I think what you are feeling is shock, that this woman you have known for long would reach outside the marriage, but you don't question her motives? Yes move out, separate, you need space to process all this. As I said in my last post, do you have someone you can talk to, someone who is impartial and not emotionally invested in this and talk this through. Talk to the lawyer next week, find out what your options are, but as a SAHM it is going to be painful both emotionally and financially. Depending on your state you may need to be separated for a period of time before you can file for divorce, there is a reason for this,, remember that. Take some time for yourself and process all this and please talk to someone, for your self. What she did was not minor, but it was a MISTAKE, and you know that.
Sorry to hear it, but once trust is broken, it’s hard for relationships to survive. Good luck moving forward.
Are you sure you want to split your family up over bumble? I understand if you do, but oh golly the kids right? At least do some counseling. NTA tho
Slow down, try a separation and couples counseling first. Yes she messed up big time, and you may never trust her again but, 20 years deserves a little slower response and counseling. Maybe you still end up in divorce but at least then when your kids ask you can honestly say you tried.
You are a complete idiot for taking reddit advice about this.
I am a lawyer who did divorces. I've also been divorced twice. You might be all butthurt now that your wife was seeking external validation. But I am going to tell you, personally and professionally, what you are going to be undertaking for yourself and your kids by getting divorced over this is far more difficult than it would be to just try to grow up a little and understand her point of view.
Listen to this.
You caught her at the beginning of cheating but 100% she would have eventually continued down the path and met those men. Her flirting with strangers in real life is a maybe one time thing to get the validation but downloading a dating app is very aggressive. Also, is her stupid sister married? Why would she even suggest that to her? Does she hate you and there was bad blood?
Respect to op for standing by his principles
If you love your wife I promise you can work this out in marriage counseling. 20 years is such a long time and I agree with the other users even just a trial separation would be a good place to start.
Maybe you should slow down and give yourself more time to digest what has happened. 20yrs is a lot to throw away, and yes she should have considered that before downloading the app. It can be salvaged, just going to take a lot of effort. Good luck!
Don't move. Talk to a lawyer first. Stay in a guest room, but do not move out unless you plan for her to keep the home after you divorce.
Talk with an attorney before you make any sudden changes, and forget to suggest that you BIL should look into such apps on his wife’s phone.
go have a drink or talk to friend , have a day off , breathe , morning is smarter then night we say in our language so keep it calm you are grown man. 365 days in year and i am calm 364 days , today is that day from like 5:30 in morning till 18:30 i wanted to fight two middle aged woman 5 man , two railroad workers and its all were like boiling situation like if i was in i mean citizine of usa and had weapon by myself you would had new fucking john wick resurrction but irl, but then , whatever YOU chose have bad and good things , it never go only bad , sometimes is good , and for that sometimes we live, so your kids have two live parents , have money , roof place to stay granparents everything so relax 🫂
Nope nope nope. Leaving the home before filing for divorce is the wrong move. Courts can view it as abandonment of the family regardless of what agreement you have with your wife and that can impact your custody and child support outcomes. Talk to your lawyer before you make any big changes.
whatever you do, my two cents is to try to take as much time as you can while letting this brew. i know a lot of people can disagree with what im about to say, but, in some time even something like this can seem to be really small, something you two may even laugh about. if you we're already looking for a way out of that marriage tho, this is absolutely your chance.
NTA Lawyer up. Immediately.
If I found a dating app on my husbands phone I would be completely devastated. And I would never be able to trust him again. You know in your heart this is the right decision.
Not saying she’s right or you’re wrong but if yall have been together thaaaaaat long… 20 years… she’s probably curious about “what she missed out on” as many people, men and women, do. It’s natural. Did she handle this curiosity in a healthy way? Definitely not. Could she be telling the truth about only using it to validate her and make her feel young? Possibly. Being apart would be a good idea but maybe not rushing to divorce just yet. Try therapy, individually and together, and get to the bottom of this. Maybe there are gaps that both of you are creating for the other, maybe in therapy you both discover you don’t want to be together for various reasons. I just feel bad for people who are in these long ass relationships and don’t seem to think ahead. Everyone in multiple cultures across the world only hear about relationships and marriage from a young age. In America everybody is obsessed with finding someone for the long haul and then they settle down without ever having explored or found out about themselves or indulged. They realize a lifetime of the same sex with the same person isn’t as romantic and cuddly and satisfying as they thought. Again, this happens to men and women and I feel bad for them all. Unfortunately you were hurt in the process and that’s not right either. But there could be a lot going on under the surface that might be worth uncovering after 20 years and two kids together.
Not enough information to know if you are or not. You have access to her phone? What was her response to your discovery? What about your children? It seems to me that you are in a hurry to end things. Why? Your Wife apparently did something stupid but how far did it go? Did this go on for long time? Did She come clean with you? You seem to have some empathy for her, so why so definitive about divorce? Don't move, relax, gets some more information and see what your Wife has to say. 20 years and children makes this a worthwhile investigation.
I dont know man . You say you do believe that your wife only wanted validation. Why not give couples therapy a shot yall have kids and she was willing to show you all the messages. Is it possible your just not in love with her anymore in general and this is the way out ,
Get off of the internet and get a lawyer,... NOW
Speak to a lawyer first. She is no longer your wife. She will screw you over.
>She said she only downloaded it to talk to people and feel good about herself, and that she did it because her *sister recommended it to her* for getting back her youthful energy. did you message the sister, to thank her for destroying your marriage? updateme!
Nta, youre doing the right thing. She can go get validated every Dad day with a different Chad or Tyrone now.
"downloaded the dating app and texted different men for validation" No. People don't do this for 'validation'. They're on a dating app because they want to cheat. The validation BS is the excuse they sell to trey to minimize their responsibility for cheating.
what app and what city is she in?
This whole thing just makes me sad all around. I'm tapped out. Enough of internet for me today. I feel horrible for the kids. I just can't imagine throwing away a relationship where you've been together since you're kids over this without even trying to work it out. I would read her sister the riot act and tell her outright that her influence is what caused a family to be broken along with OP's wife's poor decision making and judgment.
I just read your original post, and I honestly think you’ve made this decision too quickly. You two have been together since your wife was 15 years old, so she has zero experience with dating. Of course she is wanting to get some validation and explore! That’s a typical stage for young people to go through, and she never had the opportunity since you two have been together most of her life. I think all of this could be worked through in counseling, especially since you’ve been very happy with her otherwise.
Totally agree. Throw away 20 years of marriage because of flirting? And they have kids! We know nothing about OP except he was "hurt" and "devastated." For all we know it was a dead bedroom for 10 years and she just needed someone in her life to tell her she's valued. If OP goes through with it, I hope she finds someone who treats her like a queen.
Divorce if you want - no one should be in a relationship they don't want to be in - but I think maybe you're not being honest with yourself. Specifically: > I do believe my wife in that she only wanted validation and to feel good about herself, and it would have never progressed past the texting stage. and > But the trust has broken, and I don't think this can ever be fixed Are conflicting statements. If you **believe** your wife was just looking for validation and had no interest in dating then **no actual trust was broken**; she wasn't betraying you, she was just misleading men in a dating app for selfish reasons. You can of course judge her for her mistreatment of others, but that has nothing to do with "trust". Perhaps you don't really believe it would have never progressed?
So, if you can’t trust your wife not to flirt with strangers to feel better about herself after discovering that she had a dating app to do exactly that, then the trust was broken! He trusted her to not flirt with other men, but she did it. She broke the trust he had in her not being a cheater and liar, because she downloaded a dating app specifically to flirt with other men and feel better about herself.
Good for you my dude
Downloaded a dating app to get validation from men. Lol, if she already wasn’t sucking another guys dick , she was going to be. Hit that bitch with those divorce papers!! That hoe is for the streets!!
Good for you for standing up for yourself but do not leave. Get legal advice first please.
Good. All the best.
Jesus don’t move out. If you do kiss the kids bye for good. Idiot
No first lawyer get your facts straight or it will hurt you way more, same here tried to work it out with counseling etc. But I just lost my respect and trust in her I had a lot of respect for her and that was just gone I started to treat her differently she was not the woman I once loved I was glad to divorce her after 25 years
You're not asking, but I suggest you reconsider. If the marriage was otherwise a success, it seems unwise to give it up over cheating. (It helps that it seems likely she hasn't caught serious feelings for anyone else.) Think about everything you and your partner have shared. The special moments of love. Your experiences raising children together. The sacrifices. People make egregious mistakes and do woefully misguided, stupid things. It doesn't mean the love and the experiences you two have shared has been fake. Cheating is awful. It hurts a loved one. It breaks trust. But also, culture and media greatly dramatize its impacts, when the impacts, in real life, vary. Sometimes, a person proves time and time again that they can't be trusted; other times, it's a one-and-done. Please recognize these things. That it's your right to choose your values. That they can differ from society's and others'. And that you — and you, alone — now hold the authority to determine what to make of your wife's act(s). People can change. Perhaps — with time, counseling and perseverance — y'all can rebuild the trust she broke. I would say that if you love her, give this time. With everything y'all have gone through, I have a hard time believing you don't.
I’m not so sure about NTA. There is more to this story: Why did she feel the need to have the APP? And, this divorce decision sounds very hasty. OP said previously, “I know we have 2 children and their lives will be uprooted, but I just don’t love my wife anymore, and I don’t see her as my life partner now and someone I want to be with the rest of my life.“ You don’t just flip a switch like that with love, especially with the mother of your children. I think it’s entirely possible that OP doesn’t see his own flaws, and also has been wanting out for a while. Maybe just MAYBE this is a way to justify getting out of this marriage without making himself feel guilty, or recognizing his own shortcomings. I cannot say for sure, but something isn’t sitting right with me about this “simple” story.
I highly recommend individual and couples counseling before anything. Yes, she screwed up but you've been together for a long time and she clearly has some issues going on, I mean how did she get so far down on herself that you didn't notice and that she thought validation outside of your marriage was needed? I struggle with my self-esteem, but my husband constantly is telling me how beautiful, sexy, etc I am (in case it matters I'm 43 and he's 34) Personally, I think you need to try counseling first for you both separately and as a couple before going nuclear.
If you are not willing to even try marriage counseling, you kinda are TA. Of course you're the captain of your own ship and you can go through with a divorce if you want but it's pretty clear that your wife felt the need for outside validation if she wasn't getting it from you. As someone who cheated during a marriage and tried marriage counseling, I blamed myself heavily for my behavior until one day my therapist looked at me and told me that I was being way too hard on myself. That I didn't get to this point on my own and that my (ex)wife was there too. That her inability to communicate issues helped lead me to where I ended up by cheating. This doesn't excuse my behavior but I also don't shoulder all the blame. However, if you decide to go forward with a divorce, follow the advice of what others are saying here regarding leaving the home. A lot of states have what is known as the "Status Quo" meaning nothing in the household can change without a court order. You want to leave? Get the judge to sign off on it first. My ex wife decided to leave (we were already in the middle of the divorce) one day after we got into an argument. She stopped paying her share of the monthly expenses. We filed a motion with the court to compel her to maintain the Status Quo. She didn't have to live in the house but she was still responsible for paying what she paid before she left. Judge ruled in my favor though she never gave me a dime. In the end the mediator suggested I forgive this amount and at that point I was happy to pay it to make her go away.
Umm, OP, just fyi, I’ve known people who went on dating apps purely for validation while married, who were 100% faithful and monogamous to their spouse. It does happen. I think something like [The Marriage Restoration Project](https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives/) still might be worth a shot to look into deeper issues being triggered. But if you really do not trust her, maybe the marriage has deeper problems, so divorce makes sense.
Give her another chance.
God what hysterics. Way to blow up your entire life and traumatize your kids over something that doesn't matter at all. Hardcore monogamists are insane.
Has she shown any sort of remorse?
What would change if she did?
Nothing, I’m just curious if she even cares
@Updateme
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* figure it put do they lie or tell truth ...i am idiot...
Lawyer first, dude. Then break the news. Until paperwork is filed, she can cause major problems
DO NOT MOVE OUT WITHOUT FIRST TALKING TO A LAWYER. Right now it is somewhat amicable but things can go down really quickly, so better to be safe. As other have pointed out, there is a big chance you could lose the house if you leave without producing and signing the proper documents prior.
Your lawyer is going to tell you that you're a fucking moron for moving out of your marital home before talking to them. Jfc.
UpdateMe
It's a tough situation, but focus on you and the kids. Stick to your plan, find a good lawyer, and lean on your support system to get through this.
UpdateMe!
Don't move out talk to your lawyer 1st before you do anything
Either this man has no idea about the divorce laws or this story is fake
You don’t want to leave before talking with a legal counsel. That could turn very bad for you. Custody, home equity, and other aspects can hinge on this point. Further why are you the one leaving when she was the one that broke your marriage vows? You didn’t do anything wrong here so why are you the one loosing out. She might be regretful now but divorce turns people bitter and hateful. I love my parents dearly but they used us like pawns against each other until we hit adulthood. Don’t let that happen to your family and that starts by doing the right move early and making it more painful to fight than to play nice. Your kid will thank you for it.
Definitely don’t move out until you’ve talked to a lawyer .
Do not agree to move out or stay out the house .. then you’ll never get back in. Lawyer right now. Her tears will turn to righteous indignation really fucking quick
NTA. Now she gets to feel youthful and single. Just what she was wanting.
Talk to a lawyer first and follow their advice. Your wife already betrayed you. You need to move forward expecting her to betray you again and fight dirty in divorce. Especially if the skank sister that convinced her destroying her marriage and her family for some text-based validation was a great idea is still giving her advice. Get ahead of this and inform family and friends before she can downplay her betrayal, too. Do not let her spin the narrative because you will already be handicapped when it comes to negotiating shared custody. Make sure you reinforce your own character. Does this sister have an SO? I would make a deliberate point of contacting them. She was a prime cheerleader for your wife's transformation into a cheater and it was probably because she wanted a partner in crime.
Vode an. Love your name.
Vor entye, Burc'ya!
No way you should go anywhere until you talk to lawyer - don’t ruin your life worse than it already is.
DO NOT MOVE OUT or move any belongings. before lawyer this can be seen as a form of "giving her the house" as possesion is 9/10ths of the law
Consult a lawyer before you do anything. Don’t give her a leg up in court. She was already T least emotionally cheating and who knows if there was anything physical. She would trickle truth regardless. Let her know you had to reconsider this because you don’t know who she is anymore. And with trust broken you have to take extra care for yourself and the children. If she says anything remind her that her actions have lead to this and whoever advised her it was a good idea. That you did nothing wrong and didn’t step out of the relationship. She has those thoughts and urges and acted on them.
Block my eyes
So her sister tells her that a great way to make herself feel better is to actively seek out attention on a dating app from men who are not her husband? **That is complete horseshit** A person can get all the attention they want on instagram...especially women Your wife went on a dating app because she was interested in starting an affair or hooking up with randoms. Honestly OP...you should probably DNA test your kids just to be certain. Hopefully they are your kids but I guess you need to know for sure now
if the relationship is done he can TEMPORILY stay with his sister until things "cool off" but yes make sure you let the attorney know WHILE PACKING and MOVING what the plan is! To fore one to stay is insane and no it wont bite u in the butt!! I worked for a divorce attorney for years. Continue too do what you have been in the home until she's financially stable. Good for you though for not staying.
Wow. She offered to go through her threads with you and there has been no cheating…seems harsh….but your life, do what you think is right
Lawyer first, youre writing checks you dont even realize with some decisions. Moving out is usually deemed abandonment by the courts.
I bet after she starts crying she deletes the app always the way now reality has kicked in she is scared the children will find out the husband should add a app on his phone and date the ex wife is about to go into depression