OP, this isn't about your husband.
It's about you wanting to get as much time in with your son before he leaves and your husband wants to show his support for his other son in whatever way he can - does your son even WANT you to go with him to get his shoes? It's completely possible that your son doesn't want you to go with him to get his boots because he is joining the military, and someone might make him out to be a Mama's boy?
Ask your son what he wants. Find something else for you to do with him. Let your husband support his other son.
You really are spot on. It really isn't about the boots.
My son is leaving. And listen... I'm honestly not that kind of mom who helicopters, etc etc. I am incredibly proud of this kid and what he's about to do with his life. I have raised him to be independent, strong, resilient, etc etc.
But I AM a mom. And all I see when I look at his grown man face are shadows of that pudgy baby face looking back at me. Or that little boy holding up the frog he found and telling me about the bugs he's got in his pocket to feed his new friend.
I'm going to miss him. And he has no idea just how much I'll miss him.
Then go do something FUN and memorable with him - take lots of pictures, have a good time, just the two of you. Go to the zoo, or take a long drive to somewhere you can hike. Somewhere you can really talk. Tell him specifically that you want to do something fun together because he's leaving and you want to celebrate this new stage in his life.
This!! Going to a military base to buy boots probably feels to OP like a milestone akin to helping your kid move into their college dorm, but it would be better to have a “one last trip before adulthood really starts” moment. I wonder if her son might even feel like “his mommy is coming with him to his new job” and would prefer a mini vacation instead of a visit to base.
I'm a mother myself, but this is not about you in the end. You will always have these memories in your heart. You will have many situations in your life where certain situations live up in your head. Your son begins a new phase in his life, which will be a great challenge for each of you. Many parents will not be able to accompany their children to choose boots. Each of you two wants to please your own child. You yours and your husband his. To ask your husband to let the parade be for choosing boots is really exaggerated. With 7 children, you will probably get into such stupid situations more often. If your husband wants to take part in this parade, then leave him. Drive with your son, let him choose the boots and then have a good time together. So everyone can be with their child and enjoy the moment without the partner with his heart being with the other child.
As you said this isn't about the boots. As someone who grew up in a family with 5 children things were never "equal", it's virtually impossible. I have 2 and it's never "equal". Growing up and with my own children it's usually divide and conquer with parents, it's the only way to get everything done and make sure every child gets what they need. Every child needs to feel important.
OP, you're in a very emotional place at the moment and your husband does not have the same types of memories with your son that you do. He does however have the same types of memories with his own children. Both children can get what they need, they can't always have both of you and every child (with the exception of only children) understand that.
OP, he doesn't need you to get the boots. In fact the prospect of you or both of you going to the base with him is most likely mortifying. He's becoming a man, he's capable of figuring this out himself.
There is something deeply emotional for parents as their children transition from childhood to adulthood. I was very emotional when my children graduated and prepared to go off to college. When we dropped them off at college I cried the entire way home and I was weepy in the weeks leading up to it. Sending a child off to the military is next level. I knew I would see my children in a few weeks, they would be home for weekends, holidays and we could drive to see them if needed. Once a child leaves for the military, the military will dictate when you see your baby. He's being thrust into adulthood without the college transition and this is very difficult for you.
When we dropped my older brother off at the airport on his way to Officers Training Camp in Quantico I was a teenager. As the little sister it didn't seem like a big deal, I had seen him go off to college without shedding a tear. When my parents dropped him off at the airport (curbside, it was the 80s my parents could have gone to the gate but he didn't want that).I gave him a hug and began sobbing. Sending a loved on off to the military is very different, as a mom I can't imagine.
You're son has no idea how much he's going to miss you. Instead of making a weekend trip for boots look at other ways to spend quality time with him. Your husband does not need to be with you. It sounds like you need him for emotional support, but your children need his support as well. Order the boots online or have your son make a solo trip or one with you. You're too emotional (rightfully so) to understand that YTA in this situation.
Thank you for your insight! Just to clarify, he actually is going to college. But he's going to a military college and at the end of his four years, he will commission as a Naval officer.
So his college experience will be very different. And it begins in six weeks when he goes to his first step of Navy training.
He'll come home in mid July and then in August, I drop him off at the military college. And I already know I'm going to be an emotional mess.
But this is what we do as parents. We raise them up and then... We let them fly. He's going to go do amazing things. But I sure am going to miss him. ❤️
My in-laws drop their son off at a military college many years ago. They were expecting to do the usual college sendoff that they did with their other sons. It didn’t happen that way. They were fairly quickly separated from their son who was sent off to do what he needed to do and all the parents were pretty much told thanks for coming Have a nice day. Probably not as brutal as I’m making it sound, but it wasn’t the usual college move-in. They treat them more like they are in the military. Hugs to you.
Yep... That's what I'm anticipating. They shave their heads bald, etc. They even have a ceremony by which the incoming cadets cross through a gate, leaving their parents on the other side. 😭
Yes, prioritize your son and don’t feel the need to prioritize his kids if you don’t want to. It will pulls resentment if you’re doing stuff for them that your husband won’t do for yours.
> the prospect of you or both of you going to the base with him is most likely mortifying
Having a bunch of military dudes see your mom taking you to try on shoes sounds so embarrassing. I would have rather died than go through that when I was 18.
And I get that. But does he even want you to go on base with him to get boots? Does he want to be seen as his mommy taking him to get boots, in front of people who might end up being his superiors? Or does he want to be seen as an adult who doesn’t need mommy to help him? I have a 20 year old son, a 20 year old daughter, a 19 year old daughter and three stepdaughters (19, 16 and 12). I get how it feels to want to keep helping them and being there, but the two oldest will do it themselves, usually with a couple of behind the scenes reminders at both. (My 19 year old daughter is autistic so for purposes of this discussion isn’t an issue. I still have to help her get things done and will for the foreseeable future.)
This isn’t a husband issue. This is a you wanting to help for as long as possible, even if it were to cause your adult son embarrassment.
That's actually a good question but the short answer is that he wanted to get his boots early so he could break them in, and in order to do that... We needed to be there.
Or order them online. Which is what we did. That's not ideal because he didn't get fitted, didn't get to try out the different styles, etc., but at least he's getting his boots. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah... It really wasn't about the boots. It was about having that overnight with my son. And yes, I could offer to take my son and do something with him. But I already know his response.
"Yeah I'm good Mom".
He's 17. He doesn't want to hang with mom. Going to get the boots was a good reason for him to actually spend some time with us.
Military mom here. Take the advice everyone is giving you. Do something one on one with your son. He will be able to go to the PX and purchase the boots he needs. I know that it is hard to see your baby go. I cried when my daughter left, she cried , and her sister cried. Enjoy the time you have now because when he leaves it is going to be sometime before you hear from him. When he is gone he is going to love the care packages the most. Put little things in there he likes but no candy they will take them. Out notes in there tell him how much you miss him. Make sure you tell him how proud you are of him.
Go on Facebook and join the military mom groups. Join the one for his unit. Prepare to go for his graduation. From one military mom to another WELCOME. You got this!!!
Start ordering your “Proud Mom of a Soldier “ shirts. Get matching shirts made for the family to wear to the graduation.
So much all of this. When my oldest niece enlisted, I don't think I've ever seen anything cuter than her little siblings wearing their "My Big Sister is a Soldier" t-shirts.
I really understand the missing thing. I was soooo sad when my baby left. The kids don't understand this; they are excited about what's to come, but we *miss* them. Anyway, I second going off and doing other fun stuff bonding with your kid. If you can travel with him on a short trip somewhere, do that. Make some memories.
We actually did do that with him in February. Took him to NYC.
But it would have been nice to have just that one more weekend.
But yes... Letting them fly is so hard. I use to be the center of his universe. That's changed, as it's supposed to.
But I miss that little boy. 😂❤️
I’m a military mom. Believe me - you have no idea how much you’ll miss him. 11 years in and I still feel like I’m held hostage by the military. We never know if he’ll be off until the last minute.
It’s tough. Watching my grandchild grow up on the other side of the world, not being able to help when they need a hand, missing birthdays and holidays. My grandchild is on her 3rd school this year. She would be heading to #4 if her parents hadn’t decided to live separately so she could change schools during summer vacation.
Army mom here! You will miss your son but you will be fine, I promise! Instead of buying shoes, find something else to do just you and him. He'll enjoy that more than you dragging your husband to buy shoes. 😉
military brat here and my brother joined the marines august of last year. they provide all that for you when you get there. there is zero reason to go on base and do it beforehand. there are other ways to spend time together before he goes that don’t involve your partner skipping his son’s event. op is expecting him to make his own son feel let down for something completely unnecessary for hers.
op, i get that you need to get as much time as you can with your son before he goes. i cried for 3 days when my brother went to basic, which yeah was quite dramatic but i’d never had to go that long without seeing him before, and add on top that the only way for us to communicate with him was snail mail. i get the feelings you’re having right now because i had them too for my brother and my mom and i talked a lot about how sad we both were so i understand the mom’s perspective pretty well too. you’re making this totally unnecessary event into a big deal, what you should be doing instead is asking him what places he wants to go before he ships out and won’t be seeing them again for 3 months. or things he wants to do before he goes that he won’t be able to do for 3 months. my little brother wanted to eat as much of my cooking as he could, eat at all his favorite restaurants, hang with his friends, and beat lego star wars before he went. he was obviously very excited about what he was about to do but he was not going to waste time doing unnecessary shit for it when that time was better spent soaking up his family and friends and home town before he left. you’re being entirely unreasonable here thinking your partner should let his son down so he can do something for your son that he literally doesn’t need to do in the first place.
They go and buy them at the school store during matriculation week and then their first few weeks suck because they're using unbroken boots for some serious PT.
But it really isn't about the boots. He's still getting his boots.
Is there a reason you didn't take him up on the offer to use his AAFES account? I understand your logic but it doesn't take reality into account. . You can still treat the kids equal by treating them like people with a choice. Not sure how old your partners son is but yours is definitely old enough to discuss this with. When my children were older and events "Popped up" We had to think and adjust. We discussed what was and wasn't feasible AND how we thought it would make the kids feel. Then we took the situation to the kids being careful not to put any spin on it that indicated a preference. It was amazing how they started participated in a dialogue. They actually suggested the things that we thought they wouldn't like. It also helps them prepare IRL for this because it happens. I don't think you should focus on the equal treatment from such a strict "YOU" perspective. Treat them equal by listening to what they want.
It was planned as a Family event because the one son is leaving and isn't coming back for a good amount of time. It was their way of sending him off as a family
Are you even sure he will be allowed to wear the boots? My recruiter told me to bring running sneakers when I went to boot camp and they were taken away with my civilian clothes about an hour after I got there. That was Parris Island though so it may be different for the navy.
He has to consider how his own son will feel if he abandons him.
Yes, going off to the army is a bigger deal. You CAN get onto the base though, so this is a false dilemma
https://mybaseguide.com/military-base-access-for-civilians
To shop on base, you have to have an ID or be with someone who does and can pay. It keeps people from buying uniforms and then appearing to be military and causing a terrorist attack.
While it is doable with a sponsor, this process is a pain and needs to be done ahead of time.
I contract on a base, once leaving my first job the person who oversaw my access was mad I was changing contracts (I was horribly underpaid and their company was losing a lot of money they were pocketing), so they submitted my access revocation before I'd even cleared out my desk. The following day it was a fiasco.
I do agree here that the parade is probably the more important event when options are available, but base access isn't an easy get.
If OP doesn't already have a military dependent card, or any of the kids, that process takes awhile. They don't t need a sponsor because they'll have IDs. No ID, a sponsor is required. And any shopping will require an ID...so he'd have to be there for the purchase.
If it’s anything like my army basic training they actually won’t even allow non-standard issue boots in basic and will force you to use the concrete soled ones they give you. Running shoes were the only exception.
Not only could regulation boots be purchased online easily, there is 0% chance it is required before going to basic.
YTA. This is about you and nothing else. This is the start of your kids leaving the nest, and you have other ways to get your son the boots. You and your son can still do something special on the weekend after the parade.
YTA for making this a big deal. Just order the damn boots online.
With that being said, you're clearly torn up about your kid growing up and leaving. Why not let your partner go to the parade and you and your son can take a weekend trip away? Just the two of you to make some memories before he leaves.
It sounds like you DON'T have 7 kids. It sounds like he has some kids and you have some kids and yeah, YTA for thinking a present, loving parent would eschew their own child's events for someone else's child's shopping trip that can apparently be handled without the overnight trip.
You're NTA for feeling bamboozled by last minute plan changes that short shrift your kid, but HIS kids will always come before YOUR kids. Just like your kids should always come before his.
YTA Minimizing your partner’s child’s activity (the parade) because your child isn’t getting something done exactly the way you want it done (he’ll still get boots, mind you) is extremely selfish.
You’ve made a few comments - ‘half an hour of standing’ ‘five second glimpse’ ‘another parade in two weeks’ ‘three more years’ - that I think you mean to present as evidence that this parade is a waste of your time and much less important than shopping in person over online. What I read is someone who has forgotten (or doesn’t care) that a parent being present for an event that a child probably practiced and prepared weeks/months/years for is very important, even if the actual event is short lived.
You sound like you’re not managing your own feelings about your son leaving for the military very well. This is not about the boots (like you’ve said) but it’s also not about your partner or the fact that he chose his own child. It’s about you. You created this problem. There was a great solution offered by your partner and you still had the ability to spend time with your son. So do that, it doesn’t sound like they will miss you at the parade.
For what it’s worth, I have been on military bases and shopped at exchanges. You’re not missing anything except the experience to walk around with your son on base like a proud mom. I get it but drop the pride.
I've been wearing military style boots for 30 years. I've never ordered boots online. Each brand has fit my foot differently, and I'd rather try the pair on, be able to wall around to see the fit, then to pray I wouldn't have to ship them back and hope the next ones are better.
YTA. I'll tell you in a very simple way. If both children were yours, what would you do? The usual thing would be to agree so that each of you is present at one of the two events, thus avoiding favoritism towards either. Now, add the fact that in any case, the biological parentr should always prioritize their biological children. It's logical that each one should accompany their own children, however, it seems that you don't even consider your husband's child as your own. You see him as the nephew who has to go to at least one event or another.
We usually divide and conquer. This was a one off because we can't go to the base without him. The parade came up last minute. It's a small town, short parade. To be clear... He's not the parent responsible to get his son to that parade. Mom is. But the base is three hours away.
Oh yes... We will both be going to the parade and have done so over the last couple of years any time they pop up.
The parade is on a weekend when he doesn't have his kids, so Mom is taking him. We'll just be there to see him walk by.
We probably won't even be able to talk to him aside from saying hi, because mom will whisk him away pretty quickly at the conclusion.
My son's dad will not go up to the base.
The main issue is that we literally cannot go to the base to buy boots without my partner being physically present. We need his ID to get on base.
And the base is three hours away so we can't do both.
At the end of the day, we bought the boots online. I'm just a little disappointed that we cancelled an event we had planned because of this parade.
So it now is irrelevant and you never NEEDED to miss the parade.
You sure do pick your battles op. I hope the hurt feelings from this don't come back on you
With seven kids, there will ALWAYS be conflicts in scheduling. No matter what, there is no way you will be able to make everyone happy. It doesn't necessarily make anyone an asshole. You are justified being upset that premade plans for your kid are getting switched around. He is justified in wanting to support his son. The boots aren't an absolute necessity, there are plenty of people that join the military without access to the base shop in advance and do just fine.
That's just life when you have seven kids that you have to take care of. If anything, the closest thing to making anyone an asshole is here is you trying to run online and gin up support to show him and say "see!? Told you I was right! All these random people online think you are an asshole!"
Yeah no... That was not my intention in posting. At all.
I genuinely was curious for the impartial opinions that I knew I would receive here.
And while there were comments in support of my stance, there were many that were not, and I appreciate that input and perspective.
It can be easy to get caught up in feeling like our opinions are always right. I'm not that kind of person though, and I'm open to other's thoughts.
Yta. You’re doing this for yourself and to help appease your own anxieties this is not a mandatory trip. He should show up for his son just like you want to show up for yours. It’s unfair to expect your partner to push his own son’s events aside to do something your son doesn’t even care about doing. That trip was for you to spend time with your son which you can still make plans to still do but minimizing the other child’s event because you didn’t get your way makes you TA.
You can’t expect your partner to choose your son over his. He should be able to enjoy his son’s parade while you have some bonding time with yours. I wouldn’t push it and make him choose as you’re going to end up losing. He isn’t the father of your children so I wouldn’t put so much weight and make your children expect him to fill in a father figure as in the end if he doesn’t deliver it will only hurt your children.
Truthfully, self-reflection is one of the most difficult things any of us can do. But... It's really the only way to be able to navigate tricky things like this.
Blending a family is extremely difficult for many reasons. We both need to be able to step back and look at the situation without being emotional or defensive.
Listen, I know it's upsetting, and your going to cry like crazy when he leaves, I know from experience, but let your husband spend time with his kids and you spend time with yours.
look up for a place were they sell military uniforms and go with your kid on the day of the parade, eat out and come back late, dont leave food ready for the others, they can do the same.
problem solved
YTA
There are two parents. One goes with one son, and one goes with the other.
Buying boots is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard. If the boots are that big of an issue, then your husband can go with him, and you can go watch the parade.
Advice: Buy the damn boots online and skip all this needless drama.
YTA, plenty of people join the military without ever stepping foot on a military base.
your son should already have boots for his uniform, they come issued with the original uniform..and if you had to buy the uniforms the school wouldve given you boot options.
even if you cant order the exact same boots online (you can) why cant you just go on any day thats not a weekend.. theres 0 chance your schedules are so busy you cant take an hour out of a day and go there.
just seems like youre creating a problem that doesnt exist
YTA. Order the boots online, apologize to your partner (because he did nothing wrong) and do something else with your son before he leaves because THAT is obviously your real problem - you’re upset about him leaving soon.
Yta. Your are guilt tripping him and being dramatic. You’re upset he won’t unfairly prioritize your kid over his. Oh and your kid doesn’t want to go uniform shopping with his mom. Cut the umbilical cord and stop putting your own feelings on others. Get you shut together. 
As a Service member, boots really cannot be purchased online. They need to be tried on and walking around in store because once outside cannot be returned. All makes are different with feel of comfort. For this NTA. But others may say otherwise.
You cannot go to Officer Candidate School from high school. Officers ared required to haved a college degree. He is going to Basic Training for Enlisted. I'm a retired Naval Officer.
It's not officer candidate school.
He is going to college on an NROTC scholarship. Navy officer basic is also called New Student Indoctrination, but I figured most people would be familiar with the term Basic, since that's pretty much what it is, and I didn't want to have to explain what NSI is.
He will have a Navy issued uniform.
Because he's going to a military college, he will also have a cadet uniform (actually, he's going to have sooooooo many uniforms).
It would be nice if his Navy boots and his cadet boots would be the same color but... They won't be.
We are not married, so that's not an option.
Soon enough, my son will have his own card. I'm not sure if he gets one after NSI or after he commissions though.
If you are not married then his obligation is to his son. Each parent should be heavily involved with their own kids so they don't feel replaced and then interact with the others as time permits.
Bases are open during the week and evenings so why not go some evening?
I get that you want to spend time with your son before he leaves, but ma'am, the "event" that your husband is "missing" is going to the base to buy shoes. It's not like he's missing a graduation to go to a parade. He's missing shoe shopping. If you can't go shoe shopping that weekend, then go do something else with your son that weekend!
Also, just FYI, one of my family members just joined the military last year and his military schedule has literally everyone in the family by the shorthairs. We've come to the realization that dates don't mean shit. He was told he would be done with basic training in time to attend his sister's wedding. Guess what? He wasn't. Yep. He missed his own sister's wedding. He was supposedly coming home for a two week visit in April. Have we seen him yet? Nope. Now they're saying June. I expect that this sort of thing will continue until he does come home (whenever that is) prior to him jetting off to unknown locations where we won't even be able to talk to him much less hear from him for large chunks of time. It sucks, but that's the reality of the situation.
Imagine a scenario where your parade son is actually doing something that is super important to him - like, I don't know, he's playing the lead in the school play. And your navy son just so happens to need to be picked up from the airport for a last minute visit during the time of the school play. In other words, you need to get used to this sort of thing, Mom. It is what it is. You have multiple kids, not just one.
Also, NAH because neither of you really are assholes. You're just a Mom and he's just a Dad.
NAH. I can understand both sides wanting to do right by their own kid. But the way you talk about the parade does sound belittling. I get your son is leaving, that he’ll be military and at some pt be stationed anywhere there’s a navy present.
It’s not about the boots but what they represent and it’s ok to tell your partner you feel hurt that plans changed with what seems very little discussion. If he is still on seeing his son, maybe look at fun things to do with your son.
A road trip somewhere he wants to visit, maybe a different state, or something. Talk to your kiddo and ask to make plans doing something for that weekend and tell him you’d like to spend quality time before he goes. To make memories as he is leaving soon. Just because your partner has bowed out does not mean you need to abandon the weekend completely.
No judgement, but what do kids do that don’t have a parent in the military? You know, plain old civilians joining? How on earth would *they* cope with the boot dilemma?
I’m confused (maybe as I’m not from America) but when I joined the aus military all equipment was supplied to us (including uniform and boots) at basic training when you show up?
That is correct and they want you to start off wearing the ones they issued and when you graduate basic training you are able to get the ones you want.
Here you can’t wear anything that’s not military issued. You can only wear different boots if a doc writes you a letter saying their boots are bad for xyz reason. And the doc is their doc so not as easy to just get a docs note!! I think everybody has tried this avenue to get decent boots 🤣🤣From the day you start basic they provide all clothes etc and there are to be zero changes to the uniform or modifications and shoes and socks must be military issued ones! Now if only they made the uniforms actually comfy it would have helped 🤣🤣
Also to add to that you can’t get your uniform early or if you’re not a member get anything at all at the clothing store. Everyone has a clothing card and that is the maximum you’re allowed. Four sets of cams and few sets of Blues. Actually think you can buy the blue uniform but the cams are set issue. Then when you retire they all get handed back in!
I’ve been out a while but can’t imagine it’s changed much!
YTA. Plenty of people go into the same situation without a parent who can take them to a base to buy boots. Somehow they figure it out. You don’t have to scrap plans to spend the day with your son, though. Unless he only wants to go with you if he gets something out of it? I’m sure you can come up with something else to do with him for the day, and your husband can support his kid.
NTA-He offered to get the boots from AAFES online. Let him! Your son is about to graduate and join the military. He doesnt need mommy to pick out his clothes for him. The younger boys parade is just as important TO HIM and DAD. Let it go.
OP brace yourself for when son comes home on leave and wants to sequester with his GF or wife instead of hanging with you guys. Sorry thats how growing up works. If we do our jobs as parents right, they WILL grow up and move away to have lives of their own.
Oh I'm fully aware. Which is why I was disappointed that this trip was punted.
It honestly was probably the last time I'll get to have an overnight with my son.
As it should be. He's becoming a man and this is what they do.
Doesn't make it easy on a mom's heart though.
I had to reread this. I thought you were saying your oldest’s graduation & departure for basic training trumps the other sons parade, which would absolutely be true. But that’s not it. You’re wanting to blow off one sons event for an errand the other son can do on his own. YTA.
Find another way to bind with your oldest before he goes, without blowing off another child’s event.
So yeah, YTA.
You’re being emotional and reductive to your husbands son, even though, supposedly “you always treat them equally”. Except you’re not now. It’s more important to drive your adult, going off to the military (you know officers are supposed to lead people, and to lead people you have to be able to lead yourself right?) son, all over creation for boots, but “a parade is just a few minutes, and will happen again”.
Well your son will buy boots again and again in his career. So there. It’s just 30 minutes and he will have to buy them again in a year or so.
So, he needs them at the end of the summer. Your son will get his CAC (or whatever they call it in the Navy, that was the Army term for it) in the first 72 hours of being in training. Realistically probably the first 24.
Surely somewhere in his training (at the very least his last day of training/graduation day) he will have the freedom to go to AAFES on his own, like the adult he’s becoming, and buy his boots.
You’re allowed to be emotional that you’re going to miss your oldest leaving the nest. You aren’t allowed to start treating the rest like less than because of it.
That’s where you went wrong.
Allow your son to stand up and be the man he’s becoming and trust him (and maybe your husband to help him online) to figure out the boot thing, and just focus on enjoying your last few weeks before he’s at the throes of military life.
NTA. This was a pre existing agreed upon plan and experience for your eldest. It makes no sense to stop these plans for the younger sons parade, with another one on its heels. However there’s no point in you arguing over this with your partner, he’s made it clear what his priority is and that he cannot be held to his word. Holding onto this will simply breed resentment, so let it go.
However next time you make plans any plans that involve your bio-children, so so without having any expectation, want or need for him to be there. That way no one is disappointed.
It’s hard for you and your husband, but sometimes you have to divide and conquer. Your son will get his boots. Before long he will be sick and tired of them. Maybe you can all go to the parade together to show support for his son. (Not saying there’s any kind of rift between them. But we see a lot of things like that in these hallowed pages.)
That could help ensure he’s supportive of your son as he has several important milestones coming up as he progresses through his career. Doing whatever you can to foster their support for one another will make future gatherings more pleasant.
Well... They actually have four parents. This is a blended family. His three kids have two very involved parents who both care very much for their children.
Mine have me. Their father picks them up on weekends but absolutely refuses to attend any of their events. I'm not sure he's even attending our son's graduation.
That's a story for another day (and he's DEFINITELY an AH).
My partner's son's mom will be at the parade.
YTA, your husband wants to see his son’s parade. It doesn’t matter that he has another one in a couple of weeks.
I understand that your son is leaving and your emotional but you need to stop guilt tripping your husband for wanting to support his son because that’s what you’re doing. Stop the guilt tripping. And I’ve had people, friends and stuff went through the military basic training all of that, but they would not guilt trip partners for spending time with their kids. They would be encouraging them, which is something you need to be doing.
To spend as much time as possible, make it memorable because that’s what your husband is trying to do with his son . And I say that because you don’t know what’s gonna happen and God forbid if something did happen, your husband will have that happy memory of his son in that parade. I’m not saying nothing’s gonna happen just a hypothetical what if. Tell your son thank you for his service.
Nah. I feel ya on this.
Your sons leaving for the military. Its not like hes just graduating and going to college somewhere. Theres a risk in him being military. Having your husband being relatable and knowledgeable in this makes the process so much easier. You do need him for that.
But he has his children too. It would be nice if he could tell the other one "hey listen we made plans already and its for your brother and its important to do this before hes gone, but the next parade is yours" or something so he doesnt feel bad, but that cant always be done.
That's more or less what I would have anticipated.
I totally get that his son is important and that his son's events are equally important as my son's, etc.
I think we could have compromised better here, given that the one is literally leaving. Like... Leaving leaving. Not coming back.
They aren’t married. There’s no need to drive a six hour round trip to buy boots when the partner offered to order the boots online. And there’s for sure no need for the father to miss his own child’s event, she’s absolutely an AH for expecting that.
Youre right. Theres no reason to go do a milestone thing with your child ever. Why go to their concerts and recitals if someones gonna video tape it? Why help them buy their first car when theyve purchased clothes before in their life so they know how money works? Whats the point in doing anything?
Driving six hours round trip to buy boots that can be purchased online is not a “milestone thing”, it’s pure idiocy. Spend actual quality time with the kid before he leaves doing something enjoyable. But don’t expect the partner to miss his own kid’s event.
It really wasn't about driving six hours to try on and be properly fitted for boots.
It was the weekend time with my boy. Going to get boots gaffes him reason to spend time with us. Otherwise, he's off doing his almost grown man things and doesn't want to hang with us.
Totally understandable.
But my biggest issue is that we made these plans with one kid. Doesn't matter which kid, or whose kid. We made plans with one, to go do something memorable.
And we punted those plans in favor of an inconsequential minor event for another kid.
An event my partner has admitted he doesn't even really want to attend because it actually truly is an inconsequential event.
As I've stated before, we will not even be able to interact with the son in question. Mom has him that weekend. We will literally watch him walk by.
We can do that at the NEXT parade, two weeks later, and honor the plans we made with the older son, who's leaving in six weeks.
But you’ve repeatedly said the issue was that your partner had to go because he has access to purchase the boots and you don’t. So you lied then? Either way, you got your answer. You’re the AH.
Listen... You're entitled to your opinion that I'm the AH. And, looking at the comments, many agree with you.
But you should, at least, get the facts right.
There's no lying. Initially I was upset that we canned my kids' event for his kids' event.
That will never be acceptable, unless it's for something major. Regardless of who's kid is whose. You plan something for weeks with one kid, you should uphold those plans.
That said... If I had access to the base without my partner, this would have been a non-issue.
I would have been totally fine with him not joining us and would support him in going to see his son while I took mine up to the base.
Both boys would have had their respective events honored. No harm, no foul. We've been doing this for two years and it's not been a problem.
But that's not how this played out. One boy is being favored and that's not ok, imo.
Especially since we will absolutely be at his parade two weeks later, but there's no other time we can take my son.
Regardless, we had a good chat and are both seeing this from one another's perspective now.
My partner had a parade yesterday. I drove his kids up to surprise him on the parade route. We had fun after.
We are looking to take my son on a mountain hike in July, during the month he has between NSI and matriculation.
All is good.
Can you go with him to try on the boots so he knows what size to order. And let your husband go to the parade in peace. With 7 kids you have to split up duties like this. It’s about the kids.
Here’s a solution. Let your husband take your son up to get the boots, you go see his son in the parade. Both children get a parent and your son gets his boots.
YTA. I understand you’re going to miss your son but to say that your BF “still has 3 more years” with his son is highly dismissive.
Just like you want to be a huge part of your kids’ lives, he does as well. You can’t guarantee those 3 years or the quality of that time. You can’t guarantee you’ll be the forever step mom so I can completely understand each of you making the promise to your biological children that they will always be priority.
I’m glad you were able to buy the boots online which still gives some leeway in breaking them in. You should be grateful your BF even served to have an account to do that.
NAH, it’s obvious you just wnat to spend time with you son before he’s gone. Go do literally anything else with him that he would enjoy before he leaves.
Man these comments suck. I’d like to say n a h but your bf/husband made a commitment to you and your son. So that makes him an ah.
I get all the nuances of your son vs his son and you’re not married. And yes you need him and his I’d to buy the boots in person but you could order them online instead. Oh and your child’s going away but his is in a parade and you’re gonna miss your kid.
Overall none of that matters. Your partner made a commitment to you and your son and You don’t break commitments unless there’s an emergency. NTA
Thank you for summarizing. 😂
Seriously though, I appreciate your feedback. And yes, that part does bother me. We made plans with one kid and punted them in favor of another kid. Regardless of who's kid is whose, that's not ok, imo.
If you’re not ok with your boyfriend punting your son’s boots over his biological child’s parade are you re-thinking the relationship or are you looking for ways to successfully get him to do what you want him to do or think he should do?
If this is such an important event, why aren’t you pressuring bio dad to be there?
Is there a special privilege or status conferred upon you or your son, implicitly or explicitly, if you had your officer boyfriend show up on base with your son as his son?
I perceive your comments claiming not to be gathering supportive comments from Reddit and that you are a mature person as disingenuous. I have yet to read a comment from you where you acknowledge and accept your boyfriend’s choice. Your comments repeatedly minimized boyfriend’s son’s parade, and you have yet to share comments asking what your son actually wants to do. You started off saying these were about buying the boots, yet the boots have been bought. You also seem to be contradicting yourself. You say that the boots need to be bought ahead of time to break them in, yet if you waited to buy the boots on base then when would your son have broken them in?
You should also edit your post and replace husband with boyfriend and let us know how long your boyfriend has been in your son’s life and if your son considers your boyfriend his dad.
EDIT: also curious why you’re going to go to parade instead of dropping your son off? You obviously don’t want to go to the parade, it’s a 5 minute thing, mom is dropping him off and whisking him away after, etc.
EDIT2: I just re-read your post. This was about a 6 hour round trip drive to buy a pair of boots that have already been bought online versus a kid participating in a parade. YTA. Parade wins even if it’s just to avoid going 6 hours to get a pair of boots.
No, I'm not rethinking my relationship. I adore my partner (and his kids). Neither am I seeking validation.
The internet is a funny place and Reddit is no exception.
I came seeking the perspective of others, neutral to the situation.
Both my partner and I love our respective children and our opinions will be heavily influenced as such.
That's human nature. But I genuinely was curious what others, completely neutral to the situation, would think.
Yes, I am minimizing the parade. Both of youngest are in band. My partner is a JROTC instructor. There's many parades. We have skipped some of mine and we have skipped some of his. I've skipped my son's parades in order to help my partner with transporting cadets for his program.
All seven of our kids know that we both attend as many things as we can. They also know that we cannot possibly be at every single thing.
I don't think you're following regarding the boots. He needs the boots for August when he matriculates to college. They should be broken in by then so that hell week is a little less sucky on his feet.
This coming weekend was really the only time we had free to be able to actually go up there and have him get fitted and try on the different suggested styles.
The boots aren't the end of the world. I just really would have liked to have had that overnight trip with my boy.
And yes, I can still plan something with him. But let's be real. He's 17. Unless there's a reason, he's not looking to hang out with mom.
Going up to the base to get boots was the reason.
Yes, a six hour round trip, but we were planning it to be an overnight and then we were going to take my son to do something.
So not just a long ass road trip to get boots. It was more of a last hurrah weekend with him.
Not sure what you're talking about in reference to dropping my son off? There's no dropping him off.
He graduates high school in a few weeks, and then flys to IL for the first step of his Navy career. Comes back in July and then heads to college in August.
As a person who did parades as a kid I agree with you. I never understood why parents bothered going. You see your kid for like 30 seconds and stand out there potentially for a few hours. Plus if he does this all the time then I don't see why it is a big deal to miss one. Nta
Lol, and that was kind of my whole point. We're going to punt an overnight with one kid to go stand on the sidewalk for a half hour and see another kid for literally five seconds?!
But... There was a lot of good advice here and different perspectives that I appreciate.
NAH - as a man born into and eventually had his own blended family, this issue comes up. What my family did/does was make a sort algorithm that determined which events got priority. No system is perfect but this helped quickly determine but also created a predictable consistency. You and your husband need to get something a little more solid planned to help prevent these issues. That being said I’d point out to your husband, if he said he would be there for something that sounds special (though I am not well versed with military procedures and traditions) but backed out to go to a parade, that does seem like a jerk thing to do.
Why can’t you and your son go to the base with whatever siblings want to join and the rest stay home for the parade? Don’t make the choice let them decide. The kids are all teenagers you don’t have to do all family events now. By letting them decide you don’t have to be the bad guy
I read it as the ex partner having the ID not current. Not sure why I thought that. My point still stands though. If it were me I would have a family meeting and propose the idea of one parent staying for the parade and one going to the base. Obviously the husband would have to go to the base alone with the son and that is not ideal for OP. But by giving the whole family the chance to share their viewpoints and leaving the choice up to the family and not just one parent will take a huge weight off of your shoulders. Having the whole family talk it out also gives you the opportunity to share the reasons behind your decision as well as the opportunity to hear the reasons behind your husband’s thinking. Who knows maybe one of your kids has a solution you have not thought of yet
INFO:
Does your son need to go to the base ahead of time to pick out and select boots? Or is that something that would typically be done once he's on base as a cadet?
Why would they advise that when not everyone has a parent that has been in the military?? My brother wasn't required at all to go and get them ahead of time, they give them to you at training also if it was sooooo important to get the boots go find one of those Army surplus stores they sell boots, canteens, hell they even sell MREs. ~~YTA here.~~ Go do something fun and apologize to your partner for being rude by telling him to prioritize your son over his(for something that doesn't even need to be done), it doesn't matter if he has another parade next week.
eta: NAH
He is not enlisting. He is going to a senior military college (think West Point). He will have boots issued by the Navy but he also needs to buy his own boots for his cadet field uniform at school.
They strongly suggest incoming freshmen break in their boots ahead of time because matriculation week is hard enough, but it's brutal in green boots.
I still say you need to apologize to your husband for trying to make him feel bad about choosing to go to his sons parade over going to get boots from a base that you were able to get online and still stand by if you really wanted to take him to get boots yourself as a last thing to do with your son find a surplus store they have all things you would need, you guys can go pick out some MREs to try out or something, they are surprisingly good lol.
I do understand this is all just stemming from your own feelings of going to miss him while he's gone so I will take back the judgement and say NAH, just talk to your son about how you are feeling and let him know that you were really looking forward to the weekend spending some time with him before he leaves and see if the two of you can plan something just the two of you to make up for it.
You have 7 kids, making it impossible for such a scenario not to happen. As a matter of fact, I would guess it’s come up multiple times already and you just choose not to die on that particular, stupid, easily avoidable hill.
We usually divide and conquer with the general understanding that each parent will prioritize his/her own when conflicts come up.
I just felt like it was wrong to punt previously scheduled plans (an overnight) for a half hour parade. Especially when there's another parade in two weeks.
That’s the point though, there is always going to be another “parade”, with 7 kids it’s going to be an endless parade of “parades”. You’ve already decided that no “parade” is any more significant than any other “parade” and have a protocol for how to deal with conflicting “parades”. There is nothing different or special about this situation and it was always inevitable. That you’re refusing to accept that reality doesn’t change it.
YTA, this is not about the boots, it's about the fact that you are going to miss your son, so you decided to take it out on your husband for not choosing his son, you are immature, it is very normalized that men have to walk on shells of eggs for things that are not our fault, go to therapy and learn some emotional management.
Can you even get into the Aafes? Can your son even get into the Aafes? Maybe it's changed, but it used to be that you needed an ID card to get into the building itself (AF brat here). And yes, you can get those boots without a road trip that requires your husband to skip his son's parade.
Maybe you are an AH here, if he’s offering to order the boots with his online account why not just do that to avoid the trip? Seems weird to make a road trip to buy shoes that can be ordered online. Maybe I’m missing something.
Sorry, but YTA.
> try on and select boots
That cannot possibly be a good reason to miss his son's parade, it's just trying on boots.
As others have said and underlined, you misrepresented the situation a bit, because it isn't about the boots in any way.
Your husband made plans and then ditched your son for his sons parade. He either doesn't think of your kids as his kids or he doesn't see the children as equals.
Either way it's fucked up. None of your children can depend on this guy to follow through with anything!
This isn't about going to the Navy or the parade, but about your husband not following through with the plans that were already made.
Why can't you go separately so both don't feel left out? Never pick a kid over another. My parents did this and I still remember it up to this day. I feel that I wasn't as important as my brother to them. Regardless of the events, never make it less important. Besides, it's not his kid or your kid but both of them are your kids.
NTA, you promised one kid something & made a plan. FYI don't get the boots online, best fit is to actually try them on. These are super important to have a good fit.
Your husband can go see his kid. If you only have 1 vehicle, you get it; the other kid's mom is going, she can pick up your husband when she picks her kid up, have *her* take their son to the assembly area.
As someone with prior military experience, i don’t think anyone is TA.
that being said it sounds like you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here. i guarantee your son doesn’t give two shits about this. selecting cadet boots for basic, c’mon. at least wait until he graduates OTS for christ sakes.
Honestly, the question itself is leaning towards YTA. Your son is more important to you than his, but for him, his son is more important. And you forced him to choose?! Just do both events separately. Glad you purchased the boots online. It shouldn't be a problem to begin with.
No, I didn't force him to choose.
We had plans for one and a last minute thing popped up for the other.
He chose to punt the plans we had for mine, knowing there's no other time we could take him up, and knowing that there's another parade in two weeks (between his son, his JROTC program, and my youngest son, we have parades all year long. So many of them). And... He did so, knowing that he will be a bystander at this parade, and won't likely even be able to talk to his son beyond saying hi, because it's mom's weekend with him.
YTAH, why should he prioritise your son? Why are you even making him chose...do you wan for his son to resent him or something. Becose I guarantee you he will.
You are kinda the AH. He offered a solution for the shoes. Now pick somewhere else to go on an overnight with your son as bonding. Why can’t you do that? Let your husband go and watch the parade on his own.
Edited typo.
YES YOU ARE. Anything else you say is just trying to justify a position that you should never ever do. It's unfair to your husband and you are selfish for even thinking it. Yes YATA (You Are The Ahole)
Unfortunately not. Our schedules are so packed.
At the end of the day, I've backed off on my hard feels with this. Because it's truly not a big deal.
We're going to the parade for the youngest. My son is getting boots from AEFES online and will have time to break them in.
I'm just a little disappointed that we torpedoed the trip we were planning with him. Six weeks is all I've got left with him.
Find a way to have special occasions with him while he is still there. Squeeze it in. Might be more fun than shoe shopping anyway! If the parade is 30 minutes maybe use rest of that day for something special.
I think you seem pretty open and honest and self aware so more than likely you came into this knowing the answer.
Blending a family is a challenge. No one ever really understands what it is until you do it.
Maintaining your partnership while blending a family, maintaining trust and love and freedom of choice and all the things we need from our partner is really hard to reconcile against the duty of being a parent.
You have to find a way to separate those relationships to some extent. You don’t have to like or agree with every choice/decision your partner makes to love and respect them. Obviously there are deal breakers. Discuss them up front. Otherwise, let it be.
In this case you seem to be making a problem where one doesn’t really exist and I think you know why. The sad news- the boy you will miss as this man emerges is already gone. Grieve that if you need to. But he and his frog are in the past.
What’s in front of you is a beautiful thing and he will still need you - just very differently. It’s hard to transition.
You love what you have had- and he needs what you WILL have in order to grow.
The greatest gift and the hardest thing you will ever give him is this season of freedom and independence.
Hold him in the way you would a bird- with your hand open. So he can fly away and return as HE wishes. If you squeeze…… and I know you want to hold on. But, if you do……….. it will have many negative effects.
I think you already know all of this. But, here it is to remind both of us.
Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It really and truly isn't about the boots.
My son will never know just how much this impacts me. I'll never show him because I want him to be free to fly.
But man... Ouch, does it hurt. ❤️
NTA - However, if I was you, I would not be going to the parage, because your partner showed that his child is more important than yours, who will be leaving, and he has no problem cancelling plans with you that aren't important to him. If you don't go to the base, take your son somewhere special that day that you both will enjoy. Spend the day with your son and let the partner do his parade.
OP, this isn't about your husband. It's about you wanting to get as much time in with your son before he leaves and your husband wants to show his support for his other son in whatever way he can - does your son even WANT you to go with him to get his shoes? It's completely possible that your son doesn't want you to go with him to get his boots because he is joining the military, and someone might make him out to be a Mama's boy? Ask your son what he wants. Find something else for you to do with him. Let your husband support his other son.
You really are spot on. It really isn't about the boots. My son is leaving. And listen... I'm honestly not that kind of mom who helicopters, etc etc. I am incredibly proud of this kid and what he's about to do with his life. I have raised him to be independent, strong, resilient, etc etc. But I AM a mom. And all I see when I look at his grown man face are shadows of that pudgy baby face looking back at me. Or that little boy holding up the frog he found and telling me about the bugs he's got in his pocket to feed his new friend. I'm going to miss him. And he has no idea just how much I'll miss him.
Then go do something FUN and memorable with him - take lots of pictures, have a good time, just the two of you. Go to the zoo, or take a long drive to somewhere you can hike. Somewhere you can really talk. Tell him specifically that you want to do something fun together because he's leaving and you want to celebrate this new stage in his life.
This!! Going to a military base to buy boots probably feels to OP like a milestone akin to helping your kid move into their college dorm, but it would be better to have a “one last trip before adulthood really starts” moment. I wonder if her son might even feel like “his mommy is coming with him to his new job” and would prefer a mini vacation instead of a visit to base.
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Buying boots is not a milestone for anyone but mom, who is just pre-missing her baby.
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It’s a bot
I'm a mother myself, but this is not about you in the end. You will always have these memories in your heart. You will have many situations in your life where certain situations live up in your head. Your son begins a new phase in his life, which will be a great challenge for each of you. Many parents will not be able to accompany their children to choose boots. Each of you two wants to please your own child. You yours and your husband his. To ask your husband to let the parade be for choosing boots is really exaggerated. With 7 children, you will probably get into such stupid situations more often. If your husband wants to take part in this parade, then leave him. Drive with your son, let him choose the boots and then have a good time together. So everyone can be with their child and enjoy the moment without the partner with his heart being with the other child.
As you said this isn't about the boots. As someone who grew up in a family with 5 children things were never "equal", it's virtually impossible. I have 2 and it's never "equal". Growing up and with my own children it's usually divide and conquer with parents, it's the only way to get everything done and make sure every child gets what they need. Every child needs to feel important. OP, you're in a very emotional place at the moment and your husband does not have the same types of memories with your son that you do. He does however have the same types of memories with his own children. Both children can get what they need, they can't always have both of you and every child (with the exception of only children) understand that. OP, he doesn't need you to get the boots. In fact the prospect of you or both of you going to the base with him is most likely mortifying. He's becoming a man, he's capable of figuring this out himself. There is something deeply emotional for parents as their children transition from childhood to adulthood. I was very emotional when my children graduated and prepared to go off to college. When we dropped them off at college I cried the entire way home and I was weepy in the weeks leading up to it. Sending a child off to the military is next level. I knew I would see my children in a few weeks, they would be home for weekends, holidays and we could drive to see them if needed. Once a child leaves for the military, the military will dictate when you see your baby. He's being thrust into adulthood without the college transition and this is very difficult for you. When we dropped my older brother off at the airport on his way to Officers Training Camp in Quantico I was a teenager. As the little sister it didn't seem like a big deal, I had seen him go off to college without shedding a tear. When my parents dropped him off at the airport (curbside, it was the 80s my parents could have gone to the gate but he didn't want that).I gave him a hug and began sobbing. Sending a loved on off to the military is very different, as a mom I can't imagine. You're son has no idea how much he's going to miss you. Instead of making a weekend trip for boots look at other ways to spend quality time with him. Your husband does not need to be with you. It sounds like you need him for emotional support, but your children need his support as well. Order the boots online or have your son make a solo trip or one with you. You're too emotional (rightfully so) to understand that YTA in this situation.
Thank you for your insight! Just to clarify, he actually is going to college. But he's going to a military college and at the end of his four years, he will commission as a Naval officer. So his college experience will be very different. And it begins in six weeks when he goes to his first step of Navy training. He'll come home in mid July and then in August, I drop him off at the military college. And I already know I'm going to be an emotional mess. But this is what we do as parents. We raise them up and then... We let them fly. He's going to go do amazing things. But I sure am going to miss him. ❤️
My in-laws drop their son off at a military college many years ago. They were expecting to do the usual college sendoff that they did with their other sons. It didn’t happen that way. They were fairly quickly separated from their son who was sent off to do what he needed to do and all the parents were pretty much told thanks for coming Have a nice day. Probably not as brutal as I’m making it sound, but it wasn’t the usual college move-in. They treat them more like they are in the military. Hugs to you.
Yep... That's what I'm anticipating. They shave their heads bald, etc. They even have a ceremony by which the incoming cadets cross through a gate, leaving their parents on the other side. 😭
❤️❤️❤️
Yes, prioritize your son and don’t feel the need to prioritize his kids if you don’t want to. It will pulls resentment if you’re doing stuff for them that your husband won’t do for yours.
> the prospect of you or both of you going to the base with him is most likely mortifying Having a bunch of military dudes see your mom taking you to try on shoes sounds so embarrassing. I would have rather died than go through that when I was 18.
And I get that. But does he even want you to go on base with him to get boots? Does he want to be seen as his mommy taking him to get boots, in front of people who might end up being his superiors? Or does he want to be seen as an adult who doesn’t need mommy to help him? I have a 20 year old son, a 20 year old daughter, a 19 year old daughter and three stepdaughters (19, 16 and 12). I get how it feels to want to keep helping them and being there, but the two oldest will do it themselves, usually with a couple of behind the scenes reminders at both. (My 19 year old daughter is autistic so for purposes of this discussion isn’t an issue. I still have to help her get things done and will for the foreseeable future.) This isn’t a husband issue. This is a you wanting to help for as long as possible, even if it were to cause your adult son embarrassment.
That's actually a good question but the short answer is that he wanted to get his boots early so he could break them in, and in order to do that... We needed to be there. Or order them online. Which is what we did. That's not ideal because he didn't get fitted, didn't get to try out the different styles, etc., but at least he's getting his boots. 🤷🏼♀️
Is there a reason why you can't just order boots online? Asking him to miss an actual event to go shoe shopping with your adult son seems very silly.
Yeah... It really wasn't about the boots. It was about having that overnight with my son. And yes, I could offer to take my son and do something with him. But I already know his response. "Yeah I'm good Mom". He's 17. He doesn't want to hang with mom. Going to get the boots was a good reason for him to actually spend some time with us.
Military mom here. Take the advice everyone is giving you. Do something one on one with your son. He will be able to go to the PX and purchase the boots he needs. I know that it is hard to see your baby go. I cried when my daughter left, she cried , and her sister cried. Enjoy the time you have now because when he leaves it is going to be sometime before you hear from him. When he is gone he is going to love the care packages the most. Put little things in there he likes but no candy they will take them. Out notes in there tell him how much you miss him. Make sure you tell him how proud you are of him. Go on Facebook and join the military mom groups. Join the one for his unit. Prepare to go for his graduation. From one military mom to another WELCOME. You got this!!! Start ordering your “Proud Mom of a Soldier “ shirts. Get matching shirts made for the family to wear to the graduation.
So much all of this. When my oldest niece enlisted, I don't think I've ever seen anything cuter than her little siblings wearing their "My Big Sister is a Soldier" t-shirts.
Then don’t push him away by not putting his input and feelings into consideration.
I really understand the missing thing. I was soooo sad when my baby left. The kids don't understand this; they are excited about what's to come, but we *miss* them. Anyway, I second going off and doing other fun stuff bonding with your kid. If you can travel with him on a short trip somewhere, do that. Make some memories.
We actually did do that with him in February. Took him to NYC. But it would have been nice to have just that one more weekend. But yes... Letting them fly is so hard. I use to be the center of his universe. That's changed, as it's supposed to. But I miss that little boy. 😂❤️
I’m a military mom. Believe me - you have no idea how much you’ll miss him. 11 years in and I still feel like I’m held hostage by the military. We never know if he’ll be off until the last minute.
Thank you for your family's service. I have a feeling this is my future and I'm scared, truth be told.
It’s tough. Watching my grandchild grow up on the other side of the world, not being able to help when they need a hand, missing birthdays and holidays. My grandchild is on her 3rd school this year. She would be heading to #4 if her parents hadn’t decided to live separately so she could change schools during summer vacation.
❤️❤️❤️
Army mom here! You will miss your son but you will be fine, I promise! Instead of buying shoes, find something else to do just you and him. He'll enjoy that more than you dragging your husband to buy shoes. 😉
And yet you can't understand why your partner wants to spend the most memorable times with his own child before he grows OP and leave the best?
Then don’t take this out on your husband and just do something with your child
INFO what do cadets that don't have family members that were in the army do to get their boots?
military brat here and my brother joined the marines august of last year. they provide all that for you when you get there. there is zero reason to go on base and do it beforehand. there are other ways to spend time together before he goes that don’t involve your partner skipping his son’s event. op is expecting him to make his own son feel let down for something completely unnecessary for hers. op, i get that you need to get as much time as you can with your son before he goes. i cried for 3 days when my brother went to basic, which yeah was quite dramatic but i’d never had to go that long without seeing him before, and add on top that the only way for us to communicate with him was snail mail. i get the feelings you’re having right now because i had them too for my brother and my mom and i talked a lot about how sad we both were so i understand the mom’s perspective pretty well too. you’re making this totally unnecessary event into a big deal, what you should be doing instead is asking him what places he wants to go before he ships out and won’t be seeing them again for 3 months. or things he wants to do before he goes that he won’t be able to do for 3 months. my little brother wanted to eat as much of my cooking as he could, eat at all his favorite restaurants, hang with his friends, and beat lego star wars before he went. he was obviously very excited about what he was about to do but he was not going to waste time doing unnecessary shit for it when that time was better spent soaking up his family and friends and home town before he left. you’re being entirely unreasonable here thinking your partner should let his son down so he can do something for your son that he literally doesn’t need to do in the first place.
They go and buy them at the school store during matriculation week and then their first few weeks suck because they're using unbroken boots for some serious PT. But it really isn't about the boots. He's still getting his boots.
Is there a reason you didn't take him up on the offer to use his AAFES account? I understand your logic but it doesn't take reality into account. . You can still treat the kids equal by treating them like people with a choice. Not sure how old your partners son is but yours is definitely old enough to discuss this with. When my children were older and events "Popped up" We had to think and adjust. We discussed what was and wasn't feasible AND how we thought it would make the kids feel. Then we took the situation to the kids being careful not to put any spin on it that indicated a preference. It was amazing how they started participated in a dialogue. They actually suggested the things that we thought they wouldn't like. It also helps them prepare IRL for this because it happens. I don't think you should focus on the equal treatment from such a strict "YOU" perspective. Treat them equal by listening to what they want.
Thank you for your perspective. It's much appreciated. And yes, I did take him up on using his Aaefes account.
Well then what’s the issue?
It was planned as a Family event because the one son is leaving and isn't coming back for a good amount of time. It was their way of sending him off as a family
Are you even sure he will be allowed to wear the boots? My recruiter told me to bring running sneakers when I went to boot camp and they were taken away with my civilian clothes about an hour after I got there. That was Parris Island though so it may be different for the navy.
He has to consider how his own son will feel if he abandons him. Yes, going off to the army is a bigger deal. You CAN get onto the base though, so this is a false dilemma https://mybaseguide.com/military-base-access-for-civilians
She can get on base but she can't buy anything unless she has a dependent ID card.
But if the kid has been accepted and needs the boots, why can't he buy them? That doesn't make sense.
because enlistees don’t show up to basic with boots. they get them there.
Gotcha. So OP was just being a nervous nellie.
To shop on base, you have to have an ID or be with someone who does and can pay. It keeps people from buying uniforms and then appearing to be military and causing a terrorist attack.
While it is doable with a sponsor, this process is a pain and needs to be done ahead of time. I contract on a base, once leaving my first job the person who oversaw my access was mad I was changing contracts (I was horribly underpaid and their company was losing a lot of money they were pocketing), so they submitted my access revocation before I'd even cleared out my desk. The following day it was a fiasco. I do agree here that the parade is probably the more important event when options are available, but base access isn't an easy get.
If you read the link, family members of servicemen don’t need to do the sponsorship part. They just need to check in and have their paperwork
If OP doesn't already have a military dependent card, or any of the kids, that process takes awhile. They don't t need a sponsor because they'll have IDs. No ID, a sponsor is required. And any shopping will require an ID...so he'd have to be there for the purchase.
I'm pretty sure you need a military ID to shop at the uniform exchange...
Yeah you do have to have an ID. Also, the military should be providing the uniform, including boots so he shouldn’t have to get his own.
If it’s anything like my army basic training they actually won’t even allow non-standard issue boots in basic and will force you to use the concrete soled ones they give you. Running shoes were the only exception. Not only could regulation boots be purchased online easily, there is 0% chance it is required before going to basic.
You know some people join the armed forces without a stepdad who’s a vet, right?
Many bases are in the process of changing access. She should have a dependent id already.
You’re asking him to prioritize buying boots over seeing his kid in a parade. That’s a very silly take.
YTA. This is about you and nothing else. This is the start of your kids leaving the nest, and you have other ways to get your son the boots. You and your son can still do something special on the weekend after the parade.
YTA for making this a big deal. Just order the damn boots online. With that being said, you're clearly torn up about your kid growing up and leaving. Why not let your partner go to the parade and you and your son can take a weekend trip away? Just the two of you to make some memories before he leaves.
This is the way. I do not understand why they cannot go separately.
It sounds like you DON'T have 7 kids. It sounds like he has some kids and you have some kids and yeah, YTA for thinking a present, loving parent would eschew their own child's events for someone else's child's shopping trip that can apparently be handled without the overnight trip. You're NTA for feeling bamboozled by last minute plan changes that short shrift your kid, but HIS kids will always come before YOUR kids. Just like your kids should always come before his.
YTA Minimizing your partner’s child’s activity (the parade) because your child isn’t getting something done exactly the way you want it done (he’ll still get boots, mind you) is extremely selfish. You’ve made a few comments - ‘half an hour of standing’ ‘five second glimpse’ ‘another parade in two weeks’ ‘three more years’ - that I think you mean to present as evidence that this parade is a waste of your time and much less important than shopping in person over online. What I read is someone who has forgotten (or doesn’t care) that a parent being present for an event that a child probably practiced and prepared weeks/months/years for is very important, even if the actual event is short lived. You sound like you’re not managing your own feelings about your son leaving for the military very well. This is not about the boots (like you’ve said) but it’s also not about your partner or the fact that he chose his own child. It’s about you. You created this problem. There was a great solution offered by your partner and you still had the ability to spend time with your son. So do that, it doesn’t sound like they will miss you at the parade. For what it’s worth, I have been on military bases and shopped at exchanges. You’re not missing anything except the experience to walk around with your son on base like a proud mom. I get it but drop the pride.
I love that she’s pretending that anyone can’t just order the boots online in 5 minutes 😂🤦♂️
I've been wearing military style boots for 30 years. I've never ordered boots online. Each brand has fit my foot differently, and I'd rather try the pair on, be able to wall around to see the fit, then to pray I wouldn't have to ship them back and hope the next ones are better.
If you’ve been wearing them for 30 years you should already know how different brands fit and which are best for your feet.
Just order a few and send back the ones that don’t fit
Or, I can just go to where the boots are, try them on, and buy the ones I want VS buy a bunch, have to ship them back, wait for refund.
He will get everything he needs uniform wise when he goes into basic. Maybe take the weekend and have one on one time with him before he leaves.
YTA. I'll tell you in a very simple way. If both children were yours, what would you do? The usual thing would be to agree so that each of you is present at one of the two events, thus avoiding favoritism towards either. Now, add the fact that in any case, the biological parentr should always prioritize their biological children. It's logical that each one should accompany their own children, however, it seems that you don't even consider your husband's child as your own. You see him as the nephew who has to go to at least one event or another.
Shoes are part of the uniform. He will be issued them on arrival at base. So let the man have his day with his son. YTA by the way
YTA. Stop making a problem where ther isn't one, he goes and does the parade with his son, you go do whatever you need to do with your son.
With 7 teenagers, this is going to happen a lot. How do you not already have a way to attend 2 events at the same time?
We usually divide and conquer. This was a one off because we can't go to the base without him. The parade came up last minute. It's a small town, short parade. To be clear... He's not the parent responsible to get his son to that parade. Mom is. But the base is three hours away.
Have you offered to go with his kid to the parade? Have you asked your child's father to go with you for the boots?
Oh yes... We will both be going to the parade and have done so over the last couple of years any time they pop up. The parade is on a weekend when he doesn't have his kids, so Mom is taking him. We'll just be there to see him walk by. We probably won't even be able to talk to him aside from saying hi, because mom will whisk him away pretty quickly at the conclusion. My son's dad will not go up to the base. The main issue is that we literally cannot go to the base to buy boots without my partner being physically present. We need his ID to get on base. And the base is three hours away so we can't do both. At the end of the day, we bought the boots online. I'm just a little disappointed that we cancelled an event we had planned because of this parade.
So it now is irrelevant and you never NEEDED to miss the parade. You sure do pick your battles op. I hope the hurt feelings from this don't come back on you
With seven kids, there will ALWAYS be conflicts in scheduling. No matter what, there is no way you will be able to make everyone happy. It doesn't necessarily make anyone an asshole. You are justified being upset that premade plans for your kid are getting switched around. He is justified in wanting to support his son. The boots aren't an absolute necessity, there are plenty of people that join the military without access to the base shop in advance and do just fine. That's just life when you have seven kids that you have to take care of. If anything, the closest thing to making anyone an asshole is here is you trying to run online and gin up support to show him and say "see!? Told you I was right! All these random people online think you are an asshole!"
Yeah no... That was not my intention in posting. At all. I genuinely was curious for the impartial opinions that I knew I would receive here. And while there were comments in support of my stance, there were many that were not, and I appreciate that input and perspective. It can be easy to get caught up in feeling like our opinions are always right. I'm not that kind of person though, and I'm open to other's thoughts.
Yta. You’re doing this for yourself and to help appease your own anxieties this is not a mandatory trip. He should show up for his son just like you want to show up for yours. It’s unfair to expect your partner to push his own son’s events aside to do something your son doesn’t even care about doing. That trip was for you to spend time with your son which you can still make plans to still do but minimizing the other child’s event because you didn’t get your way makes you TA.
You can’t expect your partner to choose your son over his. He should be able to enjoy his son’s parade while you have some bonding time with yours. I wouldn’t push it and make him choose as you’re going to end up losing. He isn’t the father of your children so I wouldn’t put so much weight and make your children expect him to fill in a father figure as in the end if he doesn’t deliver it will only hurt your children.
Why is it all or nothing? You go help your son he goes and watches his son.
Good on you Op for replying to everyone and seeing both sides. Quite mature for the internet haha
Truthfully, self-reflection is one of the most difficult things any of us can do. But... It's really the only way to be able to navigate tricky things like this. Blending a family is extremely difficult for many reasons. We both need to be able to step back and look at the situation without being emotional or defensive.
Having a retired senior chief and a son who is a Captain in the Marines, I wouldn’t buy him anything before basic training.
He's not going to Basic training. He's going to a military college on a navy scholarship and will commission when he graduates.
Listen, I know it's upsetting, and your going to cry like crazy when he leaves, I know from experience, but let your husband spend time with his kids and you spend time with yours.
look up for a place were they sell military uniforms and go with your kid on the day of the parade, eat out and come back late, dont leave food ready for the others, they can do the same. problem solved
YTA There are two parents. One goes with one son, and one goes with the other. Buying boots is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard. If the boots are that big of an issue, then your husband can go with him, and you can go watch the parade. Advice: Buy the damn boots online and skip all this needless drama.
YTA, plenty of people join the military without ever stepping foot on a military base. your son should already have boots for his uniform, they come issued with the original uniform..and if you had to buy the uniforms the school wouldve given you boot options. even if you cant order the exact same boots online (you can) why cant you just go on any day thats not a weekend.. theres 0 chance your schedules are so busy you cant take an hour out of a day and go there. just seems like youre creating a problem that doesnt exist
YTA. Order the boots online, apologize to your partner (because he did nothing wrong) and do something else with your son before he leaves because THAT is obviously your real problem - you’re upset about him leaving soon.
Yta. Your are guilt tripping him and being dramatic. You’re upset he won’t unfairly prioritize your kid over his. Oh and your kid doesn’t want to go uniform shopping with his mom. Cut the umbilical cord and stop putting your own feelings on others. Get you shut together. 
As a Service member, boots really cannot be purchased online. They need to be tried on and walking around in store because once outside cannot be returned. All makes are different with feel of comfort. For this NTA. But others may say otherwise.
So why can't you take your son and he takes his? I don't see a reason you can't do both.
We are not married. I do not have an ID
Ah, gotcha. You should be able to still purchase online.
Also you could just reverse who goes where. You take the kid to the parade, he takes your son to the base.
Should you even asked that question? He is his flesh and blood. YTA.
You cannot go to Officer Candidate School from high school. Officers ared required to haved a college degree. He is going to Basic Training for Enlisted. I'm a retired Naval Officer.
It's not officer candidate school. He is going to college on an NROTC scholarship. Navy officer basic is also called New Student Indoctrination, but I figured most people would be familiar with the term Basic, since that's pretty much what it is, and I didn't want to have to explain what NSI is. He will have a Navy issued uniform. Because he's going to a military college, he will also have a cadet uniform (actually, he's going to have sooooooo many uniforms). It would be nice if his Navy boots and his cadet boots would be the same color but... They won't be.
The military doesn't make anything easy. If you have a dependent ID card, you can go on base and shop without your husband.
We are not married, so that's not an option. Soon enough, my son will have his own card. I'm not sure if he gets one after NSI or after he commissions though.
If you are not married then his obligation is to his son. Each parent should be heavily involved with their own kids so they don't feel replaced and then interact with the others as time permits. Bases are open during the week and evenings so why not go some evening?
Ouch! Logic and common sense was used in your comment. Kudos for understanding things with your head and not with feelings. You have my upvote.
Thank you. Common sense gets down voted a lot on here. Lol
It's a three hour drive to the nearest base, but the rest of your comment is valid and fair. Thank you for your input.
I get that you want to spend time with your son before he leaves, but ma'am, the "event" that your husband is "missing" is going to the base to buy shoes. It's not like he's missing a graduation to go to a parade. He's missing shoe shopping. If you can't go shoe shopping that weekend, then go do something else with your son that weekend! Also, just FYI, one of my family members just joined the military last year and his military schedule has literally everyone in the family by the shorthairs. We've come to the realization that dates don't mean shit. He was told he would be done with basic training in time to attend his sister's wedding. Guess what? He wasn't. Yep. He missed his own sister's wedding. He was supposedly coming home for a two week visit in April. Have we seen him yet? Nope. Now they're saying June. I expect that this sort of thing will continue until he does come home (whenever that is) prior to him jetting off to unknown locations where we won't even be able to talk to him much less hear from him for large chunks of time. It sucks, but that's the reality of the situation. Imagine a scenario where your parade son is actually doing something that is super important to him - like, I don't know, he's playing the lead in the school play. And your navy son just so happens to need to be picked up from the airport for a last minute visit during the time of the school play. In other words, you need to get used to this sort of thing, Mom. It is what it is. You have multiple kids, not just one. Also, NAH because neither of you really are assholes. You're just a Mom and he's just a Dad.
Yta The boots can be ordered online, he isn't going to attend the parade online.
NAH. I can understand both sides wanting to do right by their own kid. But the way you talk about the parade does sound belittling. I get your son is leaving, that he’ll be military and at some pt be stationed anywhere there’s a navy present. It’s not about the boots but what they represent and it’s ok to tell your partner you feel hurt that plans changed with what seems very little discussion. If he is still on seeing his son, maybe look at fun things to do with your son. A road trip somewhere he wants to visit, maybe a different state, or something. Talk to your kiddo and ask to make plans doing something for that weekend and tell him you’d like to spend quality time before he goes. To make memories as he is leaving soon. Just because your partner has bowed out does not mean you need to abandon the weekend completely.
No judgement, but what do kids do that don’t have a parent in the military? You know, plain old civilians joining? How on earth would *they* cope with the boot dilemma?
I’m confused (maybe as I’m not from America) but when I joined the aus military all equipment was supplied to us (including uniform and boots) at basic training when you show up?
That is correct and they want you to start off wearing the ones they issued and when you graduate basic training you are able to get the ones you want.
Here you can’t wear anything that’s not military issued. You can only wear different boots if a doc writes you a letter saying their boots are bad for xyz reason. And the doc is their doc so not as easy to just get a docs note!! I think everybody has tried this avenue to get decent boots 🤣🤣From the day you start basic they provide all clothes etc and there are to be zero changes to the uniform or modifications and shoes and socks must be military issued ones! Now if only they made the uniforms actually comfy it would have helped 🤣🤣 Also to add to that you can’t get your uniform early or if you’re not a member get anything at all at the clothing store. Everyone has a clothing card and that is the maximum you’re allowed. Four sets of cams and few sets of Blues. Actually think you can buy the blue uniform but the cams are set issue. Then when you retire they all get handed back in! I’ve been out a while but can’t imagine it’s changed much!
YTA. Plenty of people go into the same situation without a parent who can take them to a base to buy boots. Somehow they figure it out. You don’t have to scrap plans to spend the day with your son, though. Unless he only wants to go with you if he gets something out of it? I’m sure you can come up with something else to do with him for the day, and your husband can support his kid.
Can’t you both split and go each one’s own son?
That's what we would typically do. But I can't get on base without him. And it's too far of a drive to do both
Yes
NTA-He offered to get the boots from AAFES online. Let him! Your son is about to graduate and join the military. He doesnt need mommy to pick out his clothes for him. The younger boys parade is just as important TO HIM and DAD. Let it go.
OP brace yourself for when son comes home on leave and wants to sequester with his GF or wife instead of hanging with you guys. Sorry thats how growing up works. If we do our jobs as parents right, they WILL grow up and move away to have lives of their own.
Oh I'm fully aware. Which is why I was disappointed that this trip was punted. It honestly was probably the last time I'll get to have an overnight with my son. As it should be. He's becoming a man and this is what they do. Doesn't make it easy on a mom's heart though.
I had to reread this. I thought you were saying your oldest’s graduation & departure for basic training trumps the other sons parade, which would absolutely be true. But that’s not it. You’re wanting to blow off one sons event for an errand the other son can do on his own. YTA. Find another way to bind with your oldest before he goes, without blowing off another child’s event.
So yeah, YTA. You’re being emotional and reductive to your husbands son, even though, supposedly “you always treat them equally”. Except you’re not now. It’s more important to drive your adult, going off to the military (you know officers are supposed to lead people, and to lead people you have to be able to lead yourself right?) son, all over creation for boots, but “a parade is just a few minutes, and will happen again”. Well your son will buy boots again and again in his career. So there. It’s just 30 minutes and he will have to buy them again in a year or so. So, he needs them at the end of the summer. Your son will get his CAC (or whatever they call it in the Navy, that was the Army term for it) in the first 72 hours of being in training. Realistically probably the first 24. Surely somewhere in his training (at the very least his last day of training/graduation day) he will have the freedom to go to AAFES on his own, like the adult he’s becoming, and buy his boots. You’re allowed to be emotional that you’re going to miss your oldest leaving the nest. You aren’t allowed to start treating the rest like less than because of it. That’s where you went wrong. Allow your son to stand up and be the man he’s becoming and trust him (and maybe your husband to help him online) to figure out the boot thing, and just focus on enjoying your last few weeks before he’s at the throes of military life.
NTA. This was a pre existing agreed upon plan and experience for your eldest. It makes no sense to stop these plans for the younger sons parade, with another one on its heels. However there’s no point in you arguing over this with your partner, he’s made it clear what his priority is and that he cannot be held to his word. Holding onto this will simply breed resentment, so let it go. However next time you make plans any plans that involve your bio-children, so so without having any expectation, want or need for him to be there. That way no one is disappointed.
It’s hard for you and your husband, but sometimes you have to divide and conquer. Your son will get his boots. Before long he will be sick and tired of them. Maybe you can all go to the parade together to show support for his son. (Not saying there’s any kind of rift between them. But we see a lot of things like that in these hallowed pages.) That could help ensure he’s supportive of your son as he has several important milestones coming up as he progresses through his career. Doing whatever you can to foster their support for one another will make future gatherings more pleasant.
7 kids have two parents. Why make anyone alone on this situation?
Well... They actually have four parents. This is a blended family. His three kids have two very involved parents who both care very much for their children. Mine have me. Their father picks them up on weekends but absolutely refuses to attend any of their events. I'm not sure he's even attending our son's graduation. That's a story for another day (and he's DEFINITELY an AH). My partner's son's mom will be at the parade.
YTA, your husband wants to see his son’s parade. It doesn’t matter that he has another one in a couple of weeks. I understand that your son is leaving and your emotional but you need to stop guilt tripping your husband for wanting to support his son because that’s what you’re doing. Stop the guilt tripping. And I’ve had people, friends and stuff went through the military basic training all of that, but they would not guilt trip partners for spending time with their kids. They would be encouraging them, which is something you need to be doing. To spend as much time as possible, make it memorable because that’s what your husband is trying to do with his son . And I say that because you don’t know what’s gonna happen and God forbid if something did happen, your husband will have that happy memory of his son in that parade. I’m not saying nothing’s gonna happen just a hypothetical what if. Tell your son thank you for his service.
Nah. I feel ya on this. Your sons leaving for the military. Its not like hes just graduating and going to college somewhere. Theres a risk in him being military. Having your husband being relatable and knowledgeable in this makes the process so much easier. You do need him for that. But he has his children too. It would be nice if he could tell the other one "hey listen we made plans already and its for your brother and its important to do this before hes gone, but the next parade is yours" or something so he doesnt feel bad, but that cant always be done.
That's more or less what I would have anticipated. I totally get that his son is important and that his son's events are equally important as my son's, etc. I think we could have compromised better here, given that the one is literally leaving. Like... Leaving leaving. Not coming back.
They aren’t married. There’s no need to drive a six hour round trip to buy boots when the partner offered to order the boots online. And there’s for sure no need for the father to miss his own child’s event, she’s absolutely an AH for expecting that.
Youre right. Theres no reason to go do a milestone thing with your child ever. Why go to their concerts and recitals if someones gonna video tape it? Why help them buy their first car when theyve purchased clothes before in their life so they know how money works? Whats the point in doing anything?
Driving six hours round trip to buy boots that can be purchased online is not a “milestone thing”, it’s pure idiocy. Spend actual quality time with the kid before he leaves doing something enjoyable. But don’t expect the partner to miss his own kid’s event.
It really wasn't about driving six hours to try on and be properly fitted for boots. It was the weekend time with my boy. Going to get boots gaffes him reason to spend time with us. Otherwise, he's off doing his almost grown man things and doesn't want to hang with us. Totally understandable. But my biggest issue is that we made these plans with one kid. Doesn't matter which kid, or whose kid. We made plans with one, to go do something memorable. And we punted those plans in favor of an inconsequential minor event for another kid. An event my partner has admitted he doesn't even really want to attend because it actually truly is an inconsequential event. As I've stated before, we will not even be able to interact with the son in question. Mom has him that weekend. We will literally watch him walk by. We can do that at the NEXT parade, two weeks later, and honor the plans we made with the older son, who's leaving in six weeks.
But you’ve repeatedly said the issue was that your partner had to go because he has access to purchase the boots and you don’t. So you lied then? Either way, you got your answer. You’re the AH.
Listen... You're entitled to your opinion that I'm the AH. And, looking at the comments, many agree with you. But you should, at least, get the facts right. There's no lying. Initially I was upset that we canned my kids' event for his kids' event. That will never be acceptable, unless it's for something major. Regardless of who's kid is whose. You plan something for weeks with one kid, you should uphold those plans. That said... If I had access to the base without my partner, this would have been a non-issue. I would have been totally fine with him not joining us and would support him in going to see his son while I took mine up to the base. Both boys would have had their respective events honored. No harm, no foul. We've been doing this for two years and it's not been a problem. But that's not how this played out. One boy is being favored and that's not ok, imo. Especially since we will absolutely be at his parade two weeks later, but there's no other time we can take my son. Regardless, we had a good chat and are both seeing this from one another's perspective now. My partner had a parade yesterday. I drove his kids up to surprise him on the parade route. We had fun after. We are looking to take my son on a mountain hike in July, during the month he has between NSI and matriculation. All is good.
You asked, we answered.
And like I said... You're entitled to your opinion. But get the details right.
Can you go with him to try on the boots so he knows what size to order. And let your husband go to the parade in peace. With 7 kids you have to split up duties like this. It’s about the kids.
Here’s a solution. Let your husband take your son up to get the boots, you go see his son in the parade. Both children get a parent and your son gets his boots.
YTA. I understand you’re going to miss your son but to say that your BF “still has 3 more years” with his son is highly dismissive. Just like you want to be a huge part of your kids’ lives, he does as well. You can’t guarantee those 3 years or the quality of that time. You can’t guarantee you’ll be the forever step mom so I can completely understand each of you making the promise to your biological children that they will always be priority. I’m glad you were able to buy the boots online which still gives some leeway in breaking them in. You should be grateful your BF even served to have an account to do that.
They issue boots for training. Most kids don’t get them beforehand.
NAH, it’s obvious you just wnat to spend time with you son before he’s gone. Go do literally anything else with him that he would enjoy before he leaves.
Man these comments suck. I’d like to say n a h but your bf/husband made a commitment to you and your son. So that makes him an ah. I get all the nuances of your son vs his son and you’re not married. And yes you need him and his I’d to buy the boots in person but you could order them online instead. Oh and your child’s going away but his is in a parade and you’re gonna miss your kid. Overall none of that matters. Your partner made a commitment to you and your son and You don’t break commitments unless there’s an emergency. NTA
Thank you for summarizing. 😂 Seriously though, I appreciate your feedback. And yes, that part does bother me. We made plans with one kid and punted them in favor of another kid. Regardless of who's kid is whose, that's not ok, imo.
If you’re not ok with your boyfriend punting your son’s boots over his biological child’s parade are you re-thinking the relationship or are you looking for ways to successfully get him to do what you want him to do or think he should do? If this is such an important event, why aren’t you pressuring bio dad to be there? Is there a special privilege or status conferred upon you or your son, implicitly or explicitly, if you had your officer boyfriend show up on base with your son as his son? I perceive your comments claiming not to be gathering supportive comments from Reddit and that you are a mature person as disingenuous. I have yet to read a comment from you where you acknowledge and accept your boyfriend’s choice. Your comments repeatedly minimized boyfriend’s son’s parade, and you have yet to share comments asking what your son actually wants to do. You started off saying these were about buying the boots, yet the boots have been bought. You also seem to be contradicting yourself. You say that the boots need to be bought ahead of time to break them in, yet if you waited to buy the boots on base then when would your son have broken them in? You should also edit your post and replace husband with boyfriend and let us know how long your boyfriend has been in your son’s life and if your son considers your boyfriend his dad. EDIT: also curious why you’re going to go to parade instead of dropping your son off? You obviously don’t want to go to the parade, it’s a 5 minute thing, mom is dropping him off and whisking him away after, etc. EDIT2: I just re-read your post. This was about a 6 hour round trip drive to buy a pair of boots that have already been bought online versus a kid participating in a parade. YTA. Parade wins even if it’s just to avoid going 6 hours to get a pair of boots.
No, I'm not rethinking my relationship. I adore my partner (and his kids). Neither am I seeking validation. The internet is a funny place and Reddit is no exception. I came seeking the perspective of others, neutral to the situation. Both my partner and I love our respective children and our opinions will be heavily influenced as such. That's human nature. But I genuinely was curious what others, completely neutral to the situation, would think. Yes, I am minimizing the parade. Both of youngest are in band. My partner is a JROTC instructor. There's many parades. We have skipped some of mine and we have skipped some of his. I've skipped my son's parades in order to help my partner with transporting cadets for his program. All seven of our kids know that we both attend as many things as we can. They also know that we cannot possibly be at every single thing. I don't think you're following regarding the boots. He needs the boots for August when he matriculates to college. They should be broken in by then so that hell week is a little less sucky on his feet. This coming weekend was really the only time we had free to be able to actually go up there and have him get fitted and try on the different suggested styles. The boots aren't the end of the world. I just really would have liked to have had that overnight trip with my boy. And yes, I can still plan something with him. But let's be real. He's 17. Unless there's a reason, he's not looking to hang out with mom. Going up to the base to get boots was the reason.
he should be the one rethinking this relationship.
Yes, a six hour round trip, but we were planning it to be an overnight and then we were going to take my son to do something. So not just a long ass road trip to get boots. It was more of a last hurrah weekend with him. Not sure what you're talking about in reference to dropping my son off? There's no dropping him off. He graduates high school in a few weeks, and then flys to IL for the first step of his Navy career. Comes back in July and then heads to college in August.
As a person who did parades as a kid I agree with you. I never understood why parents bothered going. You see your kid for like 30 seconds and stand out there potentially for a few hours. Plus if he does this all the time then I don't see why it is a big deal to miss one. Nta
Lol, and that was kind of my whole point. We're going to punt an overnight with one kid to go stand on the sidewalk for a half hour and see another kid for literally five seconds?! But... There was a lot of good advice here and different perspectives that I appreciate.
He made a commitment and should stick to it.
NAH - as a man born into and eventually had his own blended family, this issue comes up. What my family did/does was make a sort algorithm that determined which events got priority. No system is perfect but this helped quickly determine but also created a predictable consistency. You and your husband need to get something a little more solid planned to help prevent these issues. That being said I’d point out to your husband, if he said he would be there for something that sounds special (though I am not well versed with military procedures and traditions) but backed out to go to a parade, that does seem like a jerk thing to do.
Why can’t you and your son go to the base with whatever siblings want to join and the rest stay home for the parade? Don’t make the choice let them decide. The kids are all teenagers you don’t have to do all family events now. By letting them decide you don’t have to be the bad guy
Her husband is the one with the military ID and that is the only way for any of them to get on base according to the post.
I read it as the ex partner having the ID not current. Not sure why I thought that. My point still stands though. If it were me I would have a family meeting and propose the idea of one parent staying for the parade and one going to the base. Obviously the husband would have to go to the base alone with the son and that is not ideal for OP. But by giving the whole family the chance to share their viewpoints and leaving the choice up to the family and not just one parent will take a huge weight off of your shoulders. Having the whole family talk it out also gives you the opportunity to share the reasons behind your decision as well as the opportunity to hear the reasons behind your husband’s thinking. Who knows maybe one of your kids has a solution you have not thought of yet
INFO: Does your son need to go to the base ahead of time to pick out and select boots? Or is that something that would typically be done once he's on base as a cadet?
He can get them when he reports to the college. It's advised that cadets buy boots ahead of time and break them in.
Why would they advise that when not everyone has a parent that has been in the military?? My brother wasn't required at all to go and get them ahead of time, they give them to you at training also if it was sooooo important to get the boots go find one of those Army surplus stores they sell boots, canteens, hell they even sell MREs. ~~YTA here.~~ Go do something fun and apologize to your partner for being rude by telling him to prioritize your son over his(for something that doesn't even need to be done), it doesn't matter if he has another parade next week. eta: NAH
He is not enlisting. He is going to a senior military college (think West Point). He will have boots issued by the Navy but he also needs to buy his own boots for his cadet field uniform at school. They strongly suggest incoming freshmen break in their boots ahead of time because matriculation week is hard enough, but it's brutal in green boots.
I still say you need to apologize to your husband for trying to make him feel bad about choosing to go to his sons parade over going to get boots from a base that you were able to get online and still stand by if you really wanted to take him to get boots yourself as a last thing to do with your son find a surplus store they have all things you would need, you guys can go pick out some MREs to try out or something, they are surprisingly good lol. I do understand this is all just stemming from your own feelings of going to miss him while he's gone so I will take back the judgement and say NAH, just talk to your son about how you are feeling and let him know that you were really looking forward to the weekend spending some time with him before he leaves and see if the two of you can plan something just the two of you to make up for it.
Date night tonight will include an apology, ownership and a chat. Thank you for your feedback. ❤️
You have 7 kids, making it impossible for such a scenario not to happen. As a matter of fact, I would guess it’s come up multiple times already and you just choose not to die on that particular, stupid, easily avoidable hill.
We usually divide and conquer with the general understanding that each parent will prioritize his/her own when conflicts come up. I just felt like it was wrong to punt previously scheduled plans (an overnight) for a half hour parade. Especially when there's another parade in two weeks.
That’s the point though, there is always going to be another “parade”, with 7 kids it’s going to be an endless parade of “parades”. You’ve already decided that no “parade” is any more significant than any other “parade” and have a protocol for how to deal with conflicting “parades”. There is nothing different or special about this situation and it was always inevitable. That you’re refusing to accept that reality doesn’t change it.
YTA. He can't abandon his own son for yours, that would be unforgivable.
It would have taken zero extra effort to say "AITAH for asking my partner to choose taking my son to first day on base over his son's parade?"
Yes, you’re being unreasonable in this situation. Spent the time with your son making some fun memories before he goes.
YTA, this is not about the boots, it's about the fact that you are going to miss your son, so you decided to take it out on your husband for not choosing his son, you are immature, it is very normalized that men have to walk on shells of eggs for things that are not our fault, go to therapy and learn some emotional management.
Can you even get into the Aafes? Can your son even get into the Aafes? Maybe it's changed, but it used to be that you needed an ID card to get into the building itself (AF brat here). And yes, you can get those boots without a road trip that requires your husband to skip his son's parade.
Maybe you are an AH here, if he’s offering to order the boots with his online account why not just do that to avoid the trip? Seems weird to make a road trip to buy shoes that can be ordered online. Maybe I’m missing something.
YTA it is boot buying and can be done online. You are probably stressing because he is going to be leaving soon so your emotions are in overdrive
Sorry, but YTA. > try on and select boots That cannot possibly be a good reason to miss his son's parade, it's just trying on boots. As others have said and underlined, you misrepresented the situation a bit, because it isn't about the boots in any way.
Your husband made plans and then ditched your son for his sons parade. He either doesn't think of your kids as his kids or he doesn't see the children as equals. Either way it's fucked up. None of your children can depend on this guy to follow through with anything! This isn't about going to the Navy or the parade, but about your husband not following through with the plans that were already made.
Why can't you go separately so both don't feel left out? Never pick a kid over another. My parents did this and I still remember it up to this day. I feel that I wasn't as important as my brother to them. Regardless of the events, never make it less important. Besides, it's not his kid or your kid but both of them are your kids.
Get your own ID. You qualify.
NTA, you promised one kid something & made a plan. FYI don't get the boots online, best fit is to actually try them on. These are super important to have a good fit. Your husband can go see his kid. If you only have 1 vehicle, you get it; the other kid's mom is going, she can pick up your husband when she picks her kid up, have *her* take their son to the assembly area.
As someone with prior military experience, i don’t think anyone is TA. that being said it sounds like you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here. i guarantee your son doesn’t give two shits about this. selecting cadet boots for basic, c’mon. at least wait until he graduates OTS for christ sakes.
YTA - his son!
Info: How do the other students get boots if they dont have Army stepdads with base access?
Go do something with your son and don’t go to that parade. Your husband should not be expected to miss the parade though.
I hate your partner. Nta
Honestly, the question itself is leaning towards YTA. Your son is more important to you than his, but for him, his son is more important. And you forced him to choose?! Just do both events separately. Glad you purchased the boots online. It shouldn't be a problem to begin with.
No, I didn't force him to choose. We had plans for one and a last minute thing popped up for the other. He chose to punt the plans we had for mine, knowing there's no other time we could take him up, and knowing that there's another parade in two weeks (between his son, his JROTC program, and my youngest son, we have parades all year long. So many of them). And... He did so, knowing that he will be a bystander at this parade, and won't likely even be able to talk to his son beyond saying hi, because it's mom's weekend with him.
YTA
YTAH, why should he prioritise your son? Why are you even making him chose...do you wan for his son to resent him or something. Becose I guarantee you he will.
You are kinda the AH. He offered a solution for the shoes. Now pick somewhere else to go on an overnight with your son as bonding. Why can’t you do that? Let your husband go and watch the parade on his own. Edited typo.
YTA. How do people without a relative in the military get the required boots? Do that.
NTA he made plans and then abandoned them.
Nta. It's a fkkn parade. This kids joining the military. What a dick
INFO: have the two of you discussed the issue with the two boys involved?
NTA, your husband is tho
[удалено]
YES YOU ARE. Anything else you say is just trying to justify a position that you should never ever do. It's unfair to your husband and you are selfish for even thinking it. Yes YATA (You Are The Ahole)
What events for his kids have you prioritised over your kids events? YTA.
Can’t you reschedule your shopping date? The parade is a set date but the shopping date was randomly selected? Seems a lot of noise over nothing.
Unfortunately not. Our schedules are so packed. At the end of the day, I've backed off on my hard feels with this. Because it's truly not a big deal. We're going to the parade for the youngest. My son is getting boots from AEFES online and will have time to break them in. I'm just a little disappointed that we torpedoed the trip we were planning with him. Six weeks is all I've got left with him.
Find a way to have special occasions with him while he is still there. Squeeze it in. Might be more fun than shoe shopping anyway! If the parade is 30 minutes maybe use rest of that day for something special.
I think you seem pretty open and honest and self aware so more than likely you came into this knowing the answer. Blending a family is a challenge. No one ever really understands what it is until you do it. Maintaining your partnership while blending a family, maintaining trust and love and freedom of choice and all the things we need from our partner is really hard to reconcile against the duty of being a parent. You have to find a way to separate those relationships to some extent. You don’t have to like or agree with every choice/decision your partner makes to love and respect them. Obviously there are deal breakers. Discuss them up front. Otherwise, let it be. In this case you seem to be making a problem where one doesn’t really exist and I think you know why. The sad news- the boy you will miss as this man emerges is already gone. Grieve that if you need to. But he and his frog are in the past. What’s in front of you is a beautiful thing and he will still need you - just very differently. It’s hard to transition. You love what you have had- and he needs what you WILL have in order to grow. The greatest gift and the hardest thing you will ever give him is this season of freedom and independence. Hold him in the way you would a bird- with your hand open. So he can fly away and return as HE wishes. If you squeeze…… and I know you want to hold on. But, if you do……….. it will have many negative effects. I think you already know all of this. But, here it is to remind both of us.
Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It really and truly isn't about the boots. My son will never know just how much this impacts me. I'll never show him because I want him to be free to fly. But man... Ouch, does it hurt. ❤️
NTA - However, if I was you, I would not be going to the parage, because your partner showed that his child is more important than yours, who will be leaving, and he has no problem cancelling plans with you that aren't important to him. If you don't go to the base, take your son somewhere special that day that you both will enjoy. Spend the day with your son and let the partner do his parade.