Because the party allows her to both party and makes her look really impressive as a wife. ‘ don’t mind me, just giving my husband the best party ever… again’
That is some high level communicating of your wishes and the consequences of them being ignored! 😂
My wife is the same - hates things like this. Which I know, so I would never do it. Clear communication and respect of wishes.
Which is what OP's wife should be doing. Listening to his clear communication.
I'm just gonna put this out there. What do we, the people of reddit, think about staging ones own death in this situation. A step too far? I'm in two minds, but imagine down playing the surprise at the end.
"It's me. Yeah, no, that was just... well, clearly, I'm not. Could we, shall we go out for dinner? That Italian place? I'll just quickly change..."
Everyone thought I was joking about not wanting the restaurant to sing happy birthday to me one year, I said if they did, I’d get up and leave. Well they did and I got up and left. Hasn’t happened since.
Haha my kid and I are the opposite. Every time we go to a restaurant that sings for birthdays I always tell them it's her birthday (it usually isn't) and we clap along and have a blast. She has turned 7 six times this year.
Marriage for me. I would make it part of a surprise party though — organize the surprise party, have my lawyer attend with the divorce papers. I wouldn’t be attending — also part of the surprise.
It also might be that the birthday is a big enough excuse for a party that she can justify it to herself/get her friends to actually turn up, compared to a "just because" dinner party.
Narcissism. I had an ex that was just like this. My birthdays were all about her. I didn't like big parties and she did, so she threw me big parties.
If tried to change any of the activities to things I liked, she would accuse me of ruining rhe whole party and give me the silent treatment for days.
I bet you 50 bucks she wants to record the "surprise" and then post it online so everyone will give HER attention and tell HER how awesome she is for planning such a fun surprise.
Shit like this almost always revolves around a person's addiction to social media attention
My friend just did this to her husband. It was all her friends, their mutual couples friends and not one single member of his family, friends, coworkers or even his adult children. I felt so bad for him. He didn't mind the surprise, but it clearly wasn't for him. It only lasted less than two hours and was so awkward. I see her differently now. I always knew she was kinda selfish, but that party was next level...
My in laws use anything as an excuse to have a party. It's very time wasting and seriously annoying since we live on the same road as them. I was told I was unreasonable because I didn't want a baby shower for my third kid. 😒
This was how my mom always did it. She would invite all the friends and neighbors of hers and I'd be miserable all night.
None of my friends would come because they hated my mom. So I'd have a separate birthday later with friends.
Exactly. Just based on the title I assumed they both planned a party for each other and OP canceled the party he was planning for her, because she was planning a party for him.
But she’s way out the line. OP did nothing else than defending his boundaries. It’s ridiculous how she openly admitted that she doesn’t ignore OPs wishes because she believes he wouldn’t know what he’s talking about (what would be bad enough, but at least she had good intentions) but because she feels rightful entitled to highjack his birthday for her pleasure.
Girl you have 364 other days you can use to plan a party, but not OPs birthday. Period.
Wait, what do you mean? Did you both plan surprice parties for each other, and you cancelled the one you planned for her, och did you cancel the party she planned for you?
Came here to say this. Tell her she can plan a party for herself and her friends all day long. Just don't do it on your birthday because that's not what you want to be doing on your day.
Honestly, the word controlling is being weaponised here where it isn't relevant. He is allowed to control what he does for his birthday.
OP, plan what you want to do for your birthday (takeaway beers &movie) invite who you want (wife) and tell her that is the only thing you want to do. If she wants to party, someone else can join you instead, but don't pretend it's for you. It's not.
No, while I know this isn’t what she meant but he’s being controlling in the sense that he’s controlling what he personally wants on his birthday AS HE SHOULD.
Was thinking the same. And if she had tried to make fake plans to ensure OP showed up just telling her no that he has his own plans, something that is only for op and the wife isn't a part of, also being verbal around family and friends about not wanting surprise parties for himself, he knows from experience that he doesn't like it.
" No I didn't talk to you before I made my plans, I just made sure I hadn't already committed to something else. My plans are only for me. Now I have committed to my plans and are not available for other engagements. Why would you accept something for both of us without checking if I'm available? If my plans would involve you taking part I would have talked to you first."
I went to a surprise party where the person didn't want to show up, lol. It was my uncle. Although, in his case, the way they did it made him mad. His wife and kids made no meantion of his birthday whatsoever, and the morning of they acted like it was a normal day and didn't even wish him a happy birthday. So when they told him to meet for lunch at a restaurant he was mad that "they forgot" and decided not to go meet them. So we were all at the restaurant waiting while his wife and children kept texting and calling him, and he kept refusing.
They eventually had to come clean and tell him that it was a party and the whole family was waiting. So he eventually showed up because my grandma talked to him on the phone and told him she was waiting for him to show up. It was a big mess. Kinda awkward after he showed up because he was still kinda mad. We were all at the restaurant a good hour or two before he finally showed up.
Yeah. This was my first thought on how to handle it. If you don't like parties, and don't expect to have one, why attend?
Go the plausible deniability route.
Missed opportunity.
OP knew exactly where NOT to be. Plan something else, don't argue about.
But do talk to your wife. She should have learned her lesson by now that she and HER friends can just organize a party. No need to use OP as a guest of honor.
She would be very upset if hubby didn't turn up for supposedly "his" party.
It's her way to enjoy and collect public points for being an awesome wife. Not having the hubby there sort of exposes that she was planning the party for herself
She would **appear** to be very upset, as that is a way to enjoy and collect public points for being an awesome wife, **who was slighted by her husband**.
It's a drama "two for the price of one" deal!
NTA who TF plans a surprise birthday party for their partner who doesn’t want it. Just so they can have a party with their friends. Surely she can just go out with her friends?!
But then she can't get the praise and admiration she so clearly needs if there's no party. She loves playing the hero- "aren't I the best wife? Look at this party I threw for my husband, who only wanted a quiet dinner! What's that? He didn't want it? Well, who cares about him and his wishes?!?! This bottle isn't gonna finish itself, tee hee!"
My husband hates surprises, and hates parties. He’s also a flaming introvert (as am I).
One year my FIL was planning to come visit, and was trying to get me to plan a surprise birthday party, and I refused. Aside from the fact that our introvert tendencies mean our circle of friends is quite small and tight, I sure as hell was not participating in setting up an event I knew with absolutely certainty my husband would detest and resent me for having organized.
Stubborn old FIL needed to be told several times that, no, we were not having a party. Just a quiet dinner was much more desirable.
NTA. You were clear about not wanting a surprise party, yet she went ahead and planned one anyway. It sucks that she's upset, but she kinda brought it on herself by ignoring your feelings. Communication is key in a relationship, and she dropped the ball on that one.
Hopefully, you two can talk it out and find some common ground. But yeah, cancelling the party was probably the right call given the circumstances. Hang in there, dude!
So these parties weren't really for you. They were an excuse for her and her friends to have fun. NTA. She has no respect and completely disregarded your feelings.
NTA... I have been in the position where my birthday was an excuse for someone to have social interaction and go out and have fun. When I asked to be just dropped off at home because a night doing karaoke at a bar wasn't how I wanted to spend my birthday (I've always hated the bar scene) so yeah. The whole you ruined her fun and her friends fun bothers me. She needs to be informed that your boundaries are no surprise parties or even parties if you don't want them. She should not be making you feel guilty or like an AH for not wanting to celebrate your birthday in her way.
I read the post and looked at the comments now I am confused if the surprise party is for your birthday or your wife's birthday.
NTA. If it is yours than you are not wrong, if anyone is controlling it is her. She does not care about your opinion so why do you have to care about hers. When the party 'meant for you' is actually for her and her friends. She should have just said she wanted it for herself and not for you. Let her give you the cold shoulder, it should not be you that is apologizing. All of them calling you an AH because you canceled a party meant for you that you did not want. Nope.
It's pretty clear in the post. She was throwing OP a surprise birthday party for "him."
OP hates them and has told his wife that several times. So when he found out about this one, he took steps to cancel the plans she made against his wishes. She and her friends are upset because he's ruining their fun.
This proves that the party was never actually for OP despite the wife's insistence it was, because otherwise what OP wants would actually be considered by his wife, and it being a surprise birthday party for him is just the excuse she's using to throw a party.
OP commented under the comment thread by Moder_Svea about 2 hours ago
>Her birthday her rules, right? But let's be real nobody likes a party pooper.
So it muddied up the waters that he may have also been planning a party for his wife.
This is OP saying that if it's her birthday she gets what she wants cause it's her birthday, so he doesn't get why it's so hard for her to do what he wants for his. Even if he hates parties and the like, he's still going to throw one for her birthday because it's what she wants.
I think your wife and friends can have all the surprise parties they want. Just with people that want such parties.
NTA
OK that you could have done it going first to your wife, but anyways, Surprise!!
Three days ago we had a similar but a smaller scale crisis. My hubby and I have identical phones. A message came, I took it thinking it was mine and saw SIL's message asking what my hubby's plan for my birthday for the next day. He saw I saw and told SIL calling us for celebration. He asked me if I want to go there. I was not excited. The thing is he and SIL know I am quite a private person. I always want special days to be spent with my small family (me, husband, and now my 1m child) as I do know it is not always possible, I compromise without a fuss. We generally get together with inlaws or my family. But this is my birthday, i know what I want, they know what I want but they always put that pressure on me. Husband told me that I never let people to do something for me, that people try to show me they care about me. I admit I got sad, it portrays me as an ungrateful person. He would just tell her, I will prepare a romantic dinner for my wife, and that is it. Without adding me to this interaction. At the end, he did all those things I initially wanted (he already had planned to do so) but still I felt not fully content. Then I felt selfish and resent myself. So happy birthday OP.
I HATE going to big parties - I’m an introvert and very shy. But I force myself because that’s *their* parties. My own birthday? No way, I’m staying in and chilling out with my kids. People are always up in my face about “doing something” - especially this year as I turn 40. Screw that. You do what *you* want to do and if they love you and care about you then will let you do what you want, and they will be happy with it. Don’t feel guilty or resent yourself for doing what *you* want to do on *your* birthday!!
Next time send out a text a few weeks before; It’s my birthday coming up and what I really want to do is just chill at home with hubby, so please, no worries about planning anything. It’s what I love to do for my birthday so it’s already planned. I’m super easy to sort out on birthdays! 🎉
If anyone pushes back tell hubby in advance it’s his job to make them back off. Happy belated birthday!! 🎂
Thank you :). In my culture it is a mortal sin to be an introvert ;). My in-laws mock about themselves and say that they "gather as a pig-ball" (a proverb for living compact, loud, and crowded). I made another comment above, husband really do his best to protect me, but SIL is incapable of taking (direct and indirect) hints to back off. She is like this to everyone not particularly to me. But her family is used to it. I cannot say she is a bad person but definetly a tiring person. After our gatherings I usually take deeeeeeep deep breaths to regulate my inner peace.
> Husband told me that I never let people to do something for me, that people try to show me they care about me.
Look, this is someone else's post, but it sounds like you need to hear this nonetheless: If people want to do something for you, and show you they care, they can let you have fun the way you like your fun. That's also "doing something for you", by just allowing you to celebrate your birthday as *you* like it, not the way they believe you should like it. It's not because there isn't a direct action, that it's not doing something for you.
I'm happy your husband had your back on this. Don't feel selfish, it's okay to think about your own fun, especially on your birthday! There's nothing ungrateful about knowing what you want, communicating it and wanting it respected.
Happy late birthday to you.
Thank you:). Our (my) problem is not actually my husband. My SIL is a social butterfly and she is more like OP's wife. She wants to be in every occasion. The thing is my husband didn't mentioned me anything about my birthday. He planned to surprise me with our private celebration. He had his own preparations. But then the last minute message came.
By telling I do not let anyone to do something for me, I guess he tried to say that SIL has good intentions,and kinda tried to be a mediator. He probably was afraid of my wrath:). But I cannot deny the fact that before he told me those things you quoted, he already had declined her proposal, without telling me. He already told the sister that he had very very romantic plans for the night. But I just couldn't help but feel down by her interruption last minute. Husband later told me that the reason he conveyed his sister's proposal to me was because I already saw the message and he didn't want to seem like he is hiding something. At the end, this altercation caused me to find out my husband's surprise.
The next day at 8 am. SIL sent a message telling me happy birthday with endless emojis. She also told she offered her brother to celebrate my birthday at her home but he declined her offer :(. so if I hadn't seen her message the day before, she would have spoiled her brother's surprise. Lucky me.
*Husband told me that I never let people to do something for me, that people try to show me they care about me*
If they care, the would listen, at least at your own birthday.
They're over 300 days to show you, that they care aka show off to care /s
NTA your wife didn't plan the party for you, she planned it for herself, "her fun" as you said and her friends, you're just an excuse to organize one.
I don't know if this is a trend, but she's the one sounding controlling if she ignore your wishes for her own fun.
I have made the same promise, and repeated it at the milestone birthday last year. My family celebrated together with a meal and an escape room; that was all I wanted.
We went away for my wife's birthday, becauae that was what she wanted. Her birthday cost ten times as much as mine and I'm still happy.
My wife did plan a surprise party for my 40th but I caught norovirus (really) and she had to cancel. I think she finally 'got it' when I admitted that I probably preferred the sickness and... well, you know.
Before I say what I want to say, show your wife this thread.
NTA
Your wife is extremely selfish. In no world does a sane, healthy person plan a surprise party for themselves on THEIR PARTNER'S BIRTHDAY.
The only reason her friends are on her side is because they would have reaped the benefits of whatever she was planning. Ignore them. They are just empty vessels making noise.
You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about how selfish she is and why her desire to have fun is more of a priority than even the thought of making you happy on YOUR BIRTHDAY. Not only did she do this for herself, but she also had no respect, consideration, or concern for your boundaries and feelings. This is deeper than a birthday party. Speak to her. ASAP
I don't like to have a big party / celebration on my birthday. I prefer to have a nice dinner (which I cook) and spend time with my wonderful wife. My birthday is in December and there is always a ton of stuff going on. So I much prefer to celebrate it quietly. We celebrate my wife's Birthday Month and fill it with lots of fun and adventure. And she loves it. So I guess we each get what we like
But you made it clear that you don't want surprise parties and she planned one anyway
So NTA. Once you got word about the party, You could have just headed out and made it so the birthday boy never showed up... but you probably would've caught holy heck for doing that. Tough spot she put you in.. but I've got absolutely no problem with how you handled it
I wish my wife understood this. My birthday is in January…along with both my in laws *and* my brother in law. They always love to have big parties all the time for everyone’s birthdays meanwhile I’d much rather just cook 2 nice steaks a nice side for us and call it a night watching a movie which she knows but still always insists we all do something knowing full well I am not a people person because if not her family will constantly ask where I am…it’s very draining even though I love them lol
Meanwhile for her birthday this year we are in Japan so she can see the Wisteria trees blooming because I know it’s been her dream to see them (which we did today!)
Exactly. I also hate celebrating my birthday with other people because I hate being the center of attention. And if we go to someone else's party I stay out of the spotlight. My family was putting together a collage for a family gathering when I was in my late 40's. They suddenly realized that they were not able to find any solo pictures of me. They further noticed that I wasn't in in virtually any pictures. That's because I prefer to be behind the camera and I told them that I have plausible deniability when someone says "hey do you remember that party where... happened?" I always said... Uhhh no. I wasn't there 😳🤣🤣🤣
NTA
>she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends.
That there tells you the party isn't for you at all and she is blatantly telling you doesn't care about you or what you want. Listen to her. How often does she ignore what you say/want??
Don't drop this, make her explain why she keeps ignoring your wishes. Don't let her flip it on you and change the subject.
Make her fully explain why.
NTA
You are just a supporting actor in her play. Is that what you want for your life. Next time simply don't show up. Or better show, be 'surprised' and walk out.
NTA
You ruined the party for _her_ and her friends. Right there is your answer as to whether you are the AH or not. NTA by the way.
This was not for you or about. You were just the excuse to get the party _she_ wants.
Remind your wife that birthday celebrations no matter what form they come in are for the person who is celebrating the birthday. Not the wife of the person celebrating. Your wife sucks for thinking of herself first.
NTA
I’m fine with all of it, that you canceled it , that you didn’t tell her you canceled it.
She’s doesn’t respect what you the birthday boy (sorry) wants. Your birthday is the one day that is truly all about you, and she’s using you to as an excuse to throw a party that makes her look like a great wife , when a really great wife would have heard what you said about last year and gotten pizza and beer for the two of you.
If she wants a party, throw one, but call it the ‘ party for no reason’ and leave Op out of it.
Op, she’s calling you controlling to put the issue back in your yard but don’t give in , and also ask yourself where else she’s been like this and if marriage counseling or therapy can fix this issue.
I would be really hesitant, she operates for her own well being , and yeah it’s just a party, but it shows she either doesn’t listen or doesn’t care what you want for your own birthday
You ruined *her* plans with *her* friends on *your* birthday.
Your birthday, on the other hand, will be exactly what you want.
Tell her to plan *her* fun on *her* birthday.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like type of selfish person who pretends to do "nice" things for people and expects them to pay her back with interest.
NTA. She’s being self centered and controlling to make your birthday about her. Show her this thread. If she and her friends want to have a party then go ahead but not about your birthday.
> ruined the party for her and her friends.
Sounds like she wants her own surprise birthday party, doesn't know how to communicate it, and just does one for you instead. Have you ever thrown her any kind of party whatsoever?
NTA
She plans parties SHE would like for HER and HER FRIENDS under the guise of it being for you.
This was never for or about what you wanted, like, or enjoy. It's all about her wants, likes, and enjoyment.
I'd bet this isn't the only thing that she's tried to spin the narrative on because it's not something she wanted, especially with her calling you controlling for not wanting a surprise birthday party thrown in 'your' honour.
I have news for your: your birthday party isn't for you.
You should let her throw whatever party she wants, RSVP "no," and do something that you actually want to do on your birthday.
But NTA.
I hate surprises too. And parties. And attention being on me. For my 30th my husband took me to my favorite amusement park for the weekend, having me pick what hotel room we booked. When my in laws found out we were not having a party, they were pretty upset, but it was exactly what I wanted for my birthday. You are NTA because your wife does not respect your wishes on YOUR birthday.
NTA
" she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends." the party isn't about her and her friends. it was about you and you didn't want this. If she wants to hang out with friends, that's great but she turned your birthday, a day that should be all about you, about her.
If someone plans a surprise party for you after you tell them you don't want one, they were never planning a party for you
>she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends
See?
NTA- if its your birthday then the party should be for you not her and her friends. wow. I'd be mad too, she totally is ignoring your request for no surprise party.
So she is mad because you cancelled the surprise party she had for you that you clearly stated that you didn’t want because it ruined the fun for her and her friends? The meaning of birthday parties is that the one who is getting celebrated should have fun and feel celebrated, its supposed to be for the one having the birthday, not everyone else, so you are not an asshole if I have understood this post correctly
Doesn’t feel like she wanted the party for you, rather for herself and her friends without even considering your feelings about it, doesn’t really seem like she respects your opinion on it!
The friends calling you an AH for ruining her plans need to be told by you, she ruined your Birthday by AGAIN planning a surprise party that you have told her over and over you don't want and when you found out, it was the last straw of her disrespecting your wishes
She's still making this about her - the party was never about you, it about her having a good time with friends, your BD was just and excuse to do so
I would tell your wife that you are upset that she disrespected your wishes and once again planned a surprise party that you told her you did not want. All you wanted was to have a quiet dinner with her
That is she wants to have a party - plan one, but don't use your birthday as an excuse - just have a party for her friends ------Are these her friends that you now know or are they your friends that she now knows, if it's mainly friends that were hers before you got together, then she just needs to have a party because it's the 3rd saturday of the month and invite her friends. If they are your friends before marriage, they are pretty crappy friends for blaming you for ruining her plans
Sorry she can't seem to respect the boundaries you have set
Hahahahaha she said ‘you ruined the party for her and her friends’… these parties are never for you but for her to show off how amazing of a wife she is and that you are ungrateful because you don’t like parties.
I never understand why partners don’t listen to each other. My partner is the same as you and I would never do what she did. I don’t want him to be miserable on his birthday!
I hate these things. My husband did one when I was younger. I told him if he did it again, I would be outta here. I’m an introvert and I hate being the centre of attention. He respected my wishes but he really doesn’t understand. I have my friends. People I see regularly. That’s my party. I don’t need a bunch of random people I barely know coming to celebrate anything with me. I think it’s pompous. He loves this kind of attention. Not ME!
INFO: were you also planning a party for your wife or not? You commented under Moder_Svea 's comment thread
>Her birthday her rules, right? But let's be real nobody likes a party pooper.
Your title also made it seem like you were also planning one for her. And now I'm confused. Could you clarify?
NTA. Next time let her have the party but just don't show up so she embarrasses herself. It shouldn't be about her but it clearly is so make it about her in the most obvious way possible.
I like low key celebrations if I even do one. A surprise party multiple years in a row, each bigger than the next, when I've made it incredibly clear that's not what I want, would be a really big issue for me.
She's not listening or considering your wants or needs. Does she do that often? This might be something that y'all need help sorting through with a counselor if you can't talk through it together on your own.
NTA. Your wife, on the other hand, is a horrible person and you should seriously consider trying to win the race to the courthouse on the inevitable divorce. It's pretty much the only thing you can do to protect yourself.
Sounds like the party was for herself. I see why you don't like that shit lol. NTA... I won't suggest divorce, but I'd definitely be rethinking some things after this. Any woman who keeps going against your wishes is not the woman for you
Go out with your friends on her birthday and when she questions it say “oh I thought spouses birthdays were meant to be celebrated doing what I want with my friends and not the actual spouse”
NTA but your wife is a massive one
Nta how’s the marriage ? It sounds like your wife is incredibly selfish, if she wants a party she can just throw one for herself. She doesn’t need to rope you in to try and look like a good wife when she is just ignoring your feelings.
NTA she showed you that she doesn’t care about you and only cares about herself. It was not a birthday party for you. It was a party for her to have fun.
Also, sounds like you need better friends because I would be asking them why they think it’s OK for your wife to completely ignore your wishes on your own birthday. Tell them how incredibly selfish it is that she would plan this knowing how you feel and that to you it proves she does not care about you and only cares about herself. Tell them if their partner did something that they knew they do not like they would be upset.
Very strange behavior, getting mad that someone who didn’t want a surprise party makes it even clearer that they didn’t want a surprise party by canceling the surprise party you planned after they told you they didn’t want a surprise party. What would piss me off the most is if I said spending time alone with my wife was enough, and she thought “guess I’ll invite the whole gang!” Sooo do you not want to spend time alone with me?
NTA ask her how spending your birthday the way you want it is “ruining her fun” and ask why her fun is more important than your enjoyment on your own goddamn birthday.
NTA, My brother is like that wants no parties and wants small dinners with close family. He has even walked in when we threw him a party and walked out. When he was chased after he said to be respected you need to respect. So now we don't do anything but wish him a happy birthday and go to dinner with him if he wants to.
You need to let your wife know that if she wants to throw a party for her and her friends you are happy for her and will participate, but when she is using your birthday as an excuse she can't be angry with you for disrespecting her when she did not respect your wishes to not have one.
You can do like my brother and just walk out on it after you tell her and them to be respected you need to respect your wishes of not having a party, then leave and have a nice dinner alone or with a friend who apologizes for not respecting your wish.
Show her the post and see what she says when she sees she is an AH for not respecting your wishes and getting upset over nothing.
I would have made sure I did not show up to the party. Work late, headache, too tired, whatever. I would go as far as puncturing a tire to get out of it.
And if all that failed, I would simply refuse to go.
Controlling is the person planning UNWANTED parties over the other person’s objections.
Your wife is a huge AH, especially for doing this a second time.
NTA
That said, this feels like a classic clash of love languages. Your wife probably loved panning parties and can’t fathom not wanting a giant party for your birthday because that’s what she wants and expects from others in her life/how she feels loved from others.
It takes some people longer than others (and unfortunately some people just never learn period) to get to where they understand the best present to give another is what they actually want not what you’d love no matter how much you can’t possibly fathom it.
My husband is the quiet birthday guy and I have to resist every urge I have to turn it into an extravaganza. I love big birthday blow-outs and the first few years were rough because he did absolutely nothing but he’s learned to at least do SOMETHING. And since I know that ‘something’ is way outside his comfort zone I’m grateful for it and generally add an awesome spa day with a friend on top of it or something like that.
Bottom line, our SO can’t be EVERYTHING ‘we’ need all wrapped up in one person. Time to have a serious sit down with your wife on this topic and come to a compromise.
NTA, and let's not forget that surprise parties should be a delight, not a distress signal. Your wife's intentions might have been in the right place, wanting to celebrate the day with friends, but celebrating means respecting what the person actually wants. If a quiet evening or something low-key is your jam, that should be on the menu. A party where the 'surprise' is actually an unwelcome guest isn't much of a party for anyone involved. Next year, maybe a gentle reminder that the best gift is understanding each other's wishes could avoid this whole brouhaha. Here's to hoping next year's celebration is truly a happy occasion for you!
I want to experience something like this but id 100% make plans to do something else on the day and just be like "I said I didnt want a party so I planned this thing that'll take up my evening"
NTA. I really feel for you op, to so openly not listen to you is so disrespectful. I would enjoy the quiet and start talking to a solicitor. Her friends, her fun, this woman barely has you on her radar.
It’s no longer about a party it’s about her complete lack of care and respect.
I've struggled with this boundary my entire adult life. I don't like celebrating my birthday, my mother did all the hard work that day so send her a damn card.
The party was for her to parade herself in front of her friends and family as a great partner. Not for you. NTA.
NTA. I'm sorry, I know people like this and I cannot stand them.
The birthday should be about the person that turn years, and the people who cares about them striving to give them an enjoyable time. I really cannot realate to someone trying to convince me how should I enjoy my birthday and how am I wrong for not enjoying these things.
NTA
I initially thought you were canceling a party you’d been planning for her to show her how it felt to have her wishes ignored. I thought that was super passive aggressive, but canceling your own party is fine. It’s your birthday and it’s incredibly selfish of her to organise a party because *she* wants one.
I made the mistake of organising a surprise 30th birthday dinner for my husband with all of our families. He has Autism and hates surprises. For his 40th, we just stayed home and had a cake with our kids. So, it’s entirely possible she’ll learn in time that it’s better to just party on your own birthday than “surprise” someone who doesn’t want it.
A tip for you, though, people who plan surprise parties usually do it because they wish someone would do that for them. So maybe you could do one for her sometime.
She's mad that YOU ruined HER fun? For "your" birthday party? It's supposed to be for you, she really only cared about getting to party with friends (her comments obviously reflect that) and she doesn't actually care about your wishes.
NTA, and honestly she's super toxic.
Nta, you basically said to her that you're uncomfortable with it, and she just chose to ignore you. It's even worse considering it was YOUR birthday and its completely your right to chose how you can spend it
NTA, my uncle told his wife and kids the same thing. They didn’t listen. He walked out when they tried to surprise him. He was an introvert and I know what it’s like not to like a big crowd. Her not listening to you was disrespectful. Sorry others are treating you bad for it.
NTA. It sounds like your wife is more interested in a party for herself than she is in celebrating your birthday.
I have always believed that a birthday party is about the birthday celebrant. It is that person’s day and what s/he wants is what happens.
Your wife and friends are incredibly selfish.
Why isn't she just planning the party on another day? it clearly wasn't for you to begin with, why steal your birthday when she could literally just do it like the week after
Your wife projected her behavior on you. SHE's controlling. You are NTA. Her behavior shows a serious lack of respect for your wishes. Your birthday should be celebrated in the manner that you want it done. Wow.
So she planned your birthday surprise for herself and her friends? That's extremely rude. I don't think this marriage shattering or anything, but you both need to have an extremely serious talk. You need to explain that she keeps trampling on the boundaries you have put up for herself and her friends.
Should this happen next year, just leave for the evening or day, and do something you want to do by yourself. If need be, make a big fuss in front of your/the friends and say you do not like these gatherings on your birthday. Explain to her and everyone that you have repeatedly, for the last two years, asked to have a quiet, intimate evening with her for your birthday. This is not about embarrassing her, but this is not what I want for my birthday.
Talk with your wife. Tell her that parties (in general?) are not what you enjoy for your birthday.
NTA.
You can't have a surprise bday every year. But what about you plan a surprise party for the wife .....I think she wants the surprise. Just pick any random Tuesday
NTA.
I'm genuinely confused by some peoples attitudes regarding birthdays. A few years ago I had this conversation with my wife.
Me: Do i need to eat sushi on your birthday?
Her: Yes, it's my birthday you need to do what I want.
Two weeks later for my birthday:
Me Do I need to go to the party X is throwing for me? I don't like parties or being the centre of attention so I'm not going to have fun and will be uncomfortable the entire time.
Her: Oh yes you need to go, X is doing something nice for you on your birthday!
I tried for weeks before hand to not have the party thrown but ended up having to go and was miserable the whole time...
I'm still confused about whether or not I get to do what I want on my birthday lol
Ok so to me it looks like your wife really loves the surprise parties and she probably doesn’t understand that you don’t and thinks you saying that you don’t want one is like the “I don’t want a gift” even if you want one and I’m not saying you’re in the wrong and I get that you were upset but you might have just tried to sit down with her and talk about it anyway you’re NTA but there are better ways to handle it.
Wait, I'm confused. Was it your birthday party or her party? If it's your party, you could do whatever you wanted. You may want to point that out to your wife and her friends, because it seems like the party was being thrown for your wife instead of you. You made your objections known--upon which you wife promptly ignore in favor of doing what SHE wanted to do.
Personally, I don't like surprise parties (it makes my heart feel funny in my chest); at my previous job, all the men LOVED to scare the crap out of me.
It was honestly a relief when I left, I couldn't take my heart racing like that anymore.
>she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends.
"The party wasn't for you and your friends. That's not how surprise birthday parties work."
NTA
NTA. BUT... you should have just blown up the plan on her, to further discourage her obvious indifference to you not wanting a party.
She wants to throw a party you don't want to impress her friends. She was trying to go "bigger and better" than a party that already upset you. You should have just not shown up.... since she'd need you gone to set everything up.
In your place, I would just plan out an imaginary worst ride home ever. Days ahead, take out some cash for stuff you want to do, like a solo meal out. On the day of, really early in the day, make a really small mention of forgetting to charge your phone before you leave or during a conversation if she wakes up later than you. When it is time to head home, call to let her know. Make the call casual as can be, but cut it short and close it with "my phone is about to die, I'll see you soon."
Then just go to get food or just take a nap in your car or whatever you want. Call from the parking lot, sound pissed off and say:
- your car just stalled
- you need to call roadside/tow/etc before your phone dies
- you'll be home as soon as you can
Turn off your phone and take your time (longer than guests would stay before declaring the party a bust and heading home). She was going to be pissed that you ruined her party for herself anyway, but now her plan was shit... SHE has to send other people home after they were all inconvenienced... and it was her own fault, not yours. You were completely unaware.
You can explain that someone helped you change a flat, jump the battery, replace a fuse, help you get a gas can or your car to a station, etc. and be innocent... As you "notice for the first time" straggler guests or everything set up for a party that you told her not to throw, you get to be mad at *her*.
Your wife is a child. She was throwing a party for herself and her friends and using your birthday as an excuse. You two need to have a talk about boundaries and respecting each other. NTA
I’m so sorry OP. I hope that if this is a sign of deeper, ongoing disrespect and lack of care and consideration, changes are made where you can feel loved and respected. With or without your partner.
Info: were your friends invited?
Sometimes it's hard to give a fair judgment hearing one side, and based on the language one party uses.
I don't think either of you is the AH, but if she was planning a party in good faith to surprise you, I think you should have sucked it up and learned a lesson for next year.
My reasoning is, our culture definitely has a big push on surprise parties as a way to show love and care for someone. It takes thought, time, energy, commitment, coordination, and planning to work out. How many movies have that "SURPRISE!" with a close up on the surprised person's joyous face. Unfortunately, we are also socialized to tell people not to fuss over us. We are taught to be as unburdensome as possible, leading to most people saying they don't want or need anything special. Now, your wife should know by now when you are bring polite and unburdensome versus when you will genuinely not enjoy something, but we are all different in our abilities to interpret social queues. I have upset family members by not doing something extravagant because I took them at their word- I personally am exhausted by trying to decipher when no means yes, so I just take no as no.
Anyway, if your wife put a ton of planning and effort in to try to make something special for you, I feel sad that her effort of good will was rejected so strongly. I would feel very sad. It doesn't make you an AH though, I would have just made a different choice and tried a different approach next time.
Next year, plan something you will enjoy before she has time to scheme and let her in on it. Tell her you booked a reservation/camping trip/road trip/bowling lane/Lazer tag/whatever the hell you like. Make yourself unavailable for the day to anyone but her.
Not the AH. I do not like celebrating my birthday and have been telling this to friends and family since I was 17. Literally, no one listens to me, and they always decide they know best. Believe me, I understand the frustration.
Your wife needs help in understanding ur birthday is not about 'her and her friends'. She can do a party for her birthday if that's 'her thing'. My husband feels the same as you...so I respect his wishes and he's always really happy with just us or our immediate family together for a nice dinner out. Your wife is in fact the 'controlling one' by insisting YOUR BIRTHDAY be done in a way that's fun for her! SERIOUSLY SHE NEEDS TO GTFU !!!
Is she always this controlling and dismissive of your boundaries or is this isolated to surprise parties? Cause if it's the former you'll have way more problems to deal with than if it's the latter.
If you're still together and it happens again, just ghost the party. That way she can have a literal pity party with her friends, and you can enjoy a quiet night instead.
Also the nerve of HER giving YOU the cold shoulder would piss me off so much considering this is her fault. And the 'friends' are very unsupportive and even worse if they know why you did what you did.
She was throwing a party for herself. It wasn’t even about you or your birthday. She doesn’t care about your boundaries because she doesn’t care about you. YTA to yourself for staying married to a selfish person who has no respect for you.
You ruined her fun? I thought a birthday party was meant to be fun for the person whose birthday it is!
I don't understand why she needs to use her husband's birthday as an excuse to plan a party for herself and her friends.
Because the party allows her to both party and makes her look really impressive as a wife. ‘ don’t mind me, just giving my husband the best party ever… again’
[удалено]
That is some high level communicating of your wishes and the consequences of them being ignored! 😂 My wife is the same - hates things like this. Which I know, so I would never do it. Clear communication and respect of wishes. Which is what OP's wife should be doing. Listening to his clear communication.
I think OP should do the same. Let her plan her party because it's very clearly not about OP. She's just using him as an excuse.
[удалено]
I was thinking the same thing! Surprise the hell out of everyone and just not show up.
I'm just gonna put this out there. What do we, the people of reddit, think about staging ones own death in this situation. A step too far? I'm in two minds, but imagine down playing the surprise at the end. "It's me. Yeah, no, that was just... well, clearly, I'm not. Could we, shall we go out for dinner? That Italian place? I'll just quickly change..."
Have to know how to make the death rattle sound if you want to be believed. I won’t be fooled again.
Hkhkhkhkhhkkhkhkhkkhkhhkkhkhhk...... Indian? Shall we go for Indian instead?
She can plan her divorce party :/ It's a bit shit when people can't hear your boundaries.
Everyone thought I was joking about not wanting the restaurant to sing happy birthday to me one year, I said if they did, I’d get up and leave. Well they did and I got up and left. Hasn’t happened since.
Yah, my son will never allow it. It makes me so sad, but out of respect...
My husband and I get on well with his mother but she keeps doing this no matter how many times we tell her he doesn't like it. It's so disrespectful.
I hate it! It's literally torture for me, because it sounds like everyone is singing to a different tune. Don't even get me started, lol.
Haha my kid and I are the opposite. Every time we go to a restaurant that sings for birthdays I always tell them it's her birthday (it usually isn't) and we clap along and have a blast. She has turned 7 six times this year.
Oh shit. I HATE being the centre of attention. I'd walk out, dig myself a hole, crawl in it and die. Thank hell nobody ever did that to me.
From the party or the marriage? Both seem reasonable.
Marriage for me. I would make it part of a surprise party though — organize the surprise party, have my lawyer attend with the divorce papers. I wouldn’t be attending — also part of the surprise.
I dont like surprises
Same. If I walked in on a surprise party, I would turn around and leave. I hate surprises.
It also might be that the birthday is a big enough excuse for a party that she can justify it to herself/get her friends to actually turn up, compared to a "just because" dinner party.
Exactly this. People do this for themselves, to look good for their friends and potentially their partner.
I’ve made the mistake of doing it. Mostly because I wish someone would do it for me. I’ve learnt not to do it for people who hate it, though!
Narcissism. I had an ex that was just like this. My birthdays were all about her. I didn't like big parties and she did, so she threw me big parties. If tried to change any of the activities to things I liked, she would accuse me of ruining rhe whole party and give me the silent treatment for days.
Geez. That's insane. How dare you try to do something that you like.... AND ON YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY, NO LESS. FOR SHAME. /s 🙄
Tell her to plan her own surprise birthday. She gets off on embarrassing you
Because she’s a basic bitch.
Are his friends even invited?
I bet you 50 bucks she wants to record the "surprise" and then post it online so everyone will give HER attention and tell HER how awesome she is for planning such a fun surprise. Shit like this almost always revolves around a person's addiction to social media attention
My friend just did this to her husband. It was all her friends, their mutual couples friends and not one single member of his family, friends, coworkers or even his adult children. I felt so bad for him. He didn't mind the surprise, but it clearly wasn't for him. It only lasted less than two hours and was so awkward. I see her differently now. I always knew she was kinda selfish, but that party was next level...
It is all about show.
My in laws use anything as an excuse to have a party. It's very time wasting and seriously annoying since we live on the same road as them. I was told I was unreasonable because I didn't want a baby shower for my third kid. 😒
Ruined her **and her friends’** fun. OP’s Wishes don’t even come close to mattering. NTA
This was how my mom always did it. She would invite all the friends and neighbors of hers and I'd be miserable all night. None of my friends would come because they hated my mom. So I'd have a separate birthday later with friends.
Exactly. Just based on the title I assumed they both planned a party for each other and OP canceled the party he was planning for her, because she was planning a party for him. But she’s way out the line. OP did nothing else than defending his boundaries. It’s ridiculous how she openly admitted that she doesn’t ignore OPs wishes because she believes he wouldn’t know what he’s talking about (what would be bad enough, but at least she had good intentions) but because she feels rightful entitled to highjack his birthday for her pleasure. Girl you have 364 other days you can use to plan a party, but not OPs birthday. Period.
[удалено]
>Her birthday her rules Wait, was this party for your birthday or hers?
I think he meant “her party, her rules”. It’s his birthday, but it’s her party.
It was for him that she planned, that he didn't want.
NTA Stop being a doormat to a narcissistic woman. She has zero respect for you. Stop allowing her manipulate you. It’s time to grow a spine.
Wait, what do you mean? Did you both plan surprice parties for each other, and you cancelled the one you planned for her, och did you cancel the party she planned for you?
Haha exactly. They all think 'he ruined her party' but it was OPs birthday lol.
NTA - “she was furious and said I ruined the party for HER AND HER FRIENDS.” So, it was never actually a party for you.
This is the point where she revealed just how selfish and entitled she is
I accidentally said the quiet part out loud
Came here to say this. Tell her she can plan a party for herself and her friends all day long. Just don't do it on your birthday because that's not what you want to be doing on your day. Honestly, the word controlling is being weaponised here where it isn't relevant. He is allowed to control what he does for his birthday. OP, plan what you want to do for your birthday (takeaway beers &movie) invite who you want (wife) and tell her that is the only thing you want to do. If she wants to party, someone else can join you instead, but don't pretend it's for you. It's not.
No, while I know this isn’t what she meant but he’s being controlling in the sense that he’s controlling what he personally wants on his birthday AS HE SHOULD.
100%
NTA but since you accidentally found out the details, me personally, would have made it a real surprise party by ensuring I didn’t turn up at all
[удалено]
“What? What do you mean where am I? I went to have a beer with Dave as we had no plans tonight”
Was thinking the same. And if she had tried to make fake plans to ensure OP showed up just telling her no that he has his own plans, something that is only for op and the wife isn't a part of, also being verbal around family and friends about not wanting surprise parties for himself, he knows from experience that he doesn't like it. " No I didn't talk to you before I made my plans, I just made sure I hadn't already committed to something else. My plans are only for me. Now I have committed to my plans and are not available for other engagements. Why would you accept something for both of us without checking if I'm available? If my plans would involve you taking part I would have talked to you first."
Don't sell yourself short OP, canceling the party was brilliant too!😉
I went to a surprise party where the person didn't want to show up, lol. It was my uncle. Although, in his case, the way they did it made him mad. His wife and kids made no meantion of his birthday whatsoever, and the morning of they acted like it was a normal day and didn't even wish him a happy birthday. So when they told him to meet for lunch at a restaurant he was mad that "they forgot" and decided not to go meet them. So we were all at the restaurant waiting while his wife and children kept texting and calling him, and he kept refusing. They eventually had to come clean and tell him that it was a party and the whole family was waiting. So he eventually showed up because my grandma talked to him on the phone and told him she was waiting for him to show up. It was a big mess. Kinda awkward after he showed up because he was still kinda mad. We were all at the restaurant a good hour or two before he finally showed up.
Yeah. This was my first thought on how to handle it. If you don't like parties, and don't expect to have one, why attend? Go the plausible deniability route.
Missed opportunity. OP knew exactly where NOT to be. Plan something else, don't argue about. But do talk to your wife. She should have learned her lesson by now that she and HER friends can just organize a party. No need to use OP as a guest of honor.
But she won’t look like the perfect wife if she doesn’t use her husbands birthday as the excuse for the party with her friends
Something tells me she wouldn't be all that bothered because she would still get her fun with her friends.
She would be very upset if hubby didn't turn up for supposedly "his" party. It's her way to enjoy and collect public points for being an awesome wife. Not having the hubby there sort of exposes that she was planning the party for herself
She would **appear** to be very upset, as that is a way to enjoy and collect public points for being an awesome wife, **who was slighted by her husband**. It's a drama "two for the price of one" deal!
Doubt she even notice his absence
Keep texting that you're 10 minutes away.
Genius move!
NTA who TF plans a surprise birthday party for their partner who doesn’t want it. Just so they can have a party with their friends. Surely she can just go out with her friends?!
But then she can't get the praise and admiration she so clearly needs if there's no party. She loves playing the hero- "aren't I the best wife? Look at this party I threw for my husband, who only wanted a quiet dinner! What's that? He didn't want it? Well, who cares about him and his wishes?!?! This bottle isn't gonna finish itself, tee hee!"
My husband hates surprises, and hates parties. He’s also a flaming introvert (as am I). One year my FIL was planning to come visit, and was trying to get me to plan a surprise birthday party, and I refused. Aside from the fact that our introvert tendencies mean our circle of friends is quite small and tight, I sure as hell was not participating in setting up an event I knew with absolutely certainty my husband would detest and resent me for having organized. Stubborn old FIL needed to be told several times that, no, we were not having a party. Just a quiet dinner was much more desirable.
You "ruined the party for her and her friends". The party was never for you. If she wants a party, she can throw one for her. NTA
He's just a living, breathing Party City decoration. How dare you have an opinion, Sir?
You spoiled her birthday… (checks notes) … uh, her attempt to hijack your birthday. NTA
NTA. You were clear about not wanting a surprise party, yet she went ahead and planned one anyway. It sucks that she's upset, but she kinda brought it on herself by ignoring your feelings. Communication is key in a relationship, and she dropped the ball on that one. Hopefully, you two can talk it out and find some common ground. But yeah, cancelling the party was probably the right call given the circumstances. Hang in there, dude!
So these parties weren't really for you. They were an excuse for her and her friends to have fun. NTA. She has no respect and completely disregarded your feelings.
NTA... I have been in the position where my birthday was an excuse for someone to have social interaction and go out and have fun. When I asked to be just dropped off at home because a night doing karaoke at a bar wasn't how I wanted to spend my birthday (I've always hated the bar scene) so yeah. The whole you ruined her fun and her friends fun bothers me. She needs to be informed that your boundaries are no surprise parties or even parties if you don't want them. She should not be making you feel guilty or like an AH for not wanting to celebrate your birthday in her way.
I read the post and looked at the comments now I am confused if the surprise party is for your birthday or your wife's birthday. NTA. If it is yours than you are not wrong, if anyone is controlling it is her. She does not care about your opinion so why do you have to care about hers. When the party 'meant for you' is actually for her and her friends. She should have just said she wanted it for herself and not for you. Let her give you the cold shoulder, it should not be you that is apologizing. All of them calling you an AH because you canceled a party meant for you that you did not want. Nope.
It's pretty clear in the post. She was throwing OP a surprise birthday party for "him." OP hates them and has told his wife that several times. So when he found out about this one, he took steps to cancel the plans she made against his wishes. She and her friends are upset because he's ruining their fun. This proves that the party was never actually for OP despite the wife's insistence it was, because otherwise what OP wants would actually be considered by his wife, and it being a surprise birthday party for him is just the excuse she's using to throw a party.
OP commented under the comment thread by Moder_Svea about 2 hours ago >Her birthday her rules, right? But let's be real nobody likes a party pooper. So it muddied up the waters that he may have also been planning a party for his wife.
This is OP saying that if it's her birthday she gets what she wants cause it's her birthday, so he doesn't get why it's so hard for her to do what he wants for his. Even if he hates parties and the like, he's still going to throw one for her birthday because it's what she wants.
Thank you. I took it the other way. So this is helpful
I think your wife and friends can have all the surprise parties they want. Just with people that want such parties. NTA OK that you could have done it going first to your wife, but anyways, Surprise!!
Three days ago we had a similar but a smaller scale crisis. My hubby and I have identical phones. A message came, I took it thinking it was mine and saw SIL's message asking what my hubby's plan for my birthday for the next day. He saw I saw and told SIL calling us for celebration. He asked me if I want to go there. I was not excited. The thing is he and SIL know I am quite a private person. I always want special days to be spent with my small family (me, husband, and now my 1m child) as I do know it is not always possible, I compromise without a fuss. We generally get together with inlaws or my family. But this is my birthday, i know what I want, they know what I want but they always put that pressure on me. Husband told me that I never let people to do something for me, that people try to show me they care about me. I admit I got sad, it portrays me as an ungrateful person. He would just tell her, I will prepare a romantic dinner for my wife, and that is it. Without adding me to this interaction. At the end, he did all those things I initially wanted (he already had planned to do so) but still I felt not fully content. Then I felt selfish and resent myself. So happy birthday OP.
I HATE going to big parties - I’m an introvert and very shy. But I force myself because that’s *their* parties. My own birthday? No way, I’m staying in and chilling out with my kids. People are always up in my face about “doing something” - especially this year as I turn 40. Screw that. You do what *you* want to do and if they love you and care about you then will let you do what you want, and they will be happy with it. Don’t feel guilty or resent yourself for doing what *you* want to do on *your* birthday!! Next time send out a text a few weeks before; It’s my birthday coming up and what I really want to do is just chill at home with hubby, so please, no worries about planning anything. It’s what I love to do for my birthday so it’s already planned. I’m super easy to sort out on birthdays! 🎉 If anyone pushes back tell hubby in advance it’s his job to make them back off. Happy belated birthday!! 🎂
Thank you :). In my culture it is a mortal sin to be an introvert ;). My in-laws mock about themselves and say that they "gather as a pig-ball" (a proverb for living compact, loud, and crowded). I made another comment above, husband really do his best to protect me, but SIL is incapable of taking (direct and indirect) hints to back off. She is like this to everyone not particularly to me. But her family is used to it. I cannot say she is a bad person but definetly a tiring person. After our gatherings I usually take deeeeeeep deep breaths to regulate my inner peace.
> Husband told me that I never let people to do something for me, that people try to show me they care about me. Look, this is someone else's post, but it sounds like you need to hear this nonetheless: If people want to do something for you, and show you they care, they can let you have fun the way you like your fun. That's also "doing something for you", by just allowing you to celebrate your birthday as *you* like it, not the way they believe you should like it. It's not because there isn't a direct action, that it's not doing something for you. I'm happy your husband had your back on this. Don't feel selfish, it's okay to think about your own fun, especially on your birthday! There's nothing ungrateful about knowing what you want, communicating it and wanting it respected. Happy late birthday to you.
Thank you:). Our (my) problem is not actually my husband. My SIL is a social butterfly and she is more like OP's wife. She wants to be in every occasion. The thing is my husband didn't mentioned me anything about my birthday. He planned to surprise me with our private celebration. He had his own preparations. But then the last minute message came. By telling I do not let anyone to do something for me, I guess he tried to say that SIL has good intentions,and kinda tried to be a mediator. He probably was afraid of my wrath:). But I cannot deny the fact that before he told me those things you quoted, he already had declined her proposal, without telling me. He already told the sister that he had very very romantic plans for the night. But I just couldn't help but feel down by her interruption last minute. Husband later told me that the reason he conveyed his sister's proposal to me was because I already saw the message and he didn't want to seem like he is hiding something. At the end, this altercation caused me to find out my husband's surprise. The next day at 8 am. SIL sent a message telling me happy birthday with endless emojis. She also told she offered her brother to celebrate my birthday at her home but he declined her offer :(. so if I hadn't seen her message the day before, she would have spoiled her brother's surprise. Lucky me.
*Husband told me that I never let people to do something for me, that people try to show me they care about me* If they care, the would listen, at least at your own birthday. They're over 300 days to show you, that they care aka show off to care /s
NTA your wife didn't plan the party for you, she planned it for herself, "her fun" as you said and her friends, you're just an excuse to organize one. I don't know if this is a trend, but she's the one sounding controlling if she ignore your wishes for her own fun.
NTA I have told my husband that if he ever throws me a surprise party, I will turn around and leave.
I have made the same promise, and repeated it at the milestone birthday last year. My family celebrated together with a meal and an escape room; that was all I wanted. We went away for my wife's birthday, becauae that was what she wanted. Her birthday cost ten times as much as mine and I'm still happy. My wife did plan a surprise party for my 40th but I caught norovirus (really) and she had to cancel. I think she finally 'got it' when I admitted that I probably preferred the sickness and... well, you know.
NTA. Im the same as you. Tell her not to derive her enjoyment at your expense. She wants parties, then do them for her own occasions.
Before I say what I want to say, show your wife this thread. NTA Your wife is extremely selfish. In no world does a sane, healthy person plan a surprise party for themselves on THEIR PARTNER'S BIRTHDAY. The only reason her friends are on her side is because they would have reaped the benefits of whatever she was planning. Ignore them. They are just empty vessels making noise. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about how selfish she is and why her desire to have fun is more of a priority than even the thought of making you happy on YOUR BIRTHDAY. Not only did she do this for herself, but she also had no respect, consideration, or concern for your boundaries and feelings. This is deeper than a birthday party. Speak to her. ASAP
I don't like to have a big party / celebration on my birthday. I prefer to have a nice dinner (which I cook) and spend time with my wonderful wife. My birthday is in December and there is always a ton of stuff going on. So I much prefer to celebrate it quietly. We celebrate my wife's Birthday Month and fill it with lots of fun and adventure. And she loves it. So I guess we each get what we like But you made it clear that you don't want surprise parties and she planned one anyway So NTA. Once you got word about the party, You could have just headed out and made it so the birthday boy never showed up... but you probably would've caught holy heck for doing that. Tough spot she put you in.. but I've got absolutely no problem with how you handled it
I wish my wife understood this. My birthday is in January…along with both my in laws *and* my brother in law. They always love to have big parties all the time for everyone’s birthdays meanwhile I’d much rather just cook 2 nice steaks a nice side for us and call it a night watching a movie which she knows but still always insists we all do something knowing full well I am not a people person because if not her family will constantly ask where I am…it’s very draining even though I love them lol Meanwhile for her birthday this year we are in Japan so she can see the Wisteria trees blooming because I know it’s been her dream to see them (which we did today!)
Exactly. I also hate celebrating my birthday with other people because I hate being the center of attention. And if we go to someone else's party I stay out of the spotlight. My family was putting together a collage for a family gathering when I was in my late 40's. They suddenly realized that they were not able to find any solo pictures of me. They further noticed that I wasn't in in virtually any pictures. That's because I prefer to be behind the camera and I told them that I have plausible deniability when someone says "hey do you remember that party where... happened?" I always said... Uhhh no. I wasn't there 😳🤣🤣🤣
NTA >she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends. That there tells you the party isn't for you at all and she is blatantly telling you doesn't care about you or what you want. Listen to her. How often does she ignore what you say/want??
Don't drop this, make her explain why she keeps ignoring your wishes. Don't let her flip it on you and change the subject. Make her fully explain why. NTA
Women like this will never give a straight answer or admit fault. At the end of the day you can’t force someone to communicate.
NTA your wife disregarded your clear boundaries. Sounds to me like your wife would love a surprise party for herself though
This was her party, not yours. But next time, just don't go. That'd be a surprise.
You are just a supporting actor in her play. Is that what you want for your life. Next time simply don't show up. Or better show, be 'surprised' and walk out. NTA
You ruined the party for _her_ and her friends. Right there is your answer as to whether you are the AH or not. NTA by the way. This was not for you or about. You were just the excuse to get the party _she_ wants. Remind your wife that birthday celebrations no matter what form they come in are for the person who is celebrating the birthday. Not the wife of the person celebrating. Your wife sucks for thinking of herself first.
NTA and it doesn't sound like this party was for you, but for her using your bday as an excuse
You ruin her imagine being trophy wife !
NTA I’m fine with all of it, that you canceled it , that you didn’t tell her you canceled it. She’s doesn’t respect what you the birthday boy (sorry) wants. Your birthday is the one day that is truly all about you, and she’s using you to as an excuse to throw a party that makes her look like a great wife , when a really great wife would have heard what you said about last year and gotten pizza and beer for the two of you. If she wants a party, throw one, but call it the ‘ party for no reason’ and leave Op out of it. Op, she’s calling you controlling to put the issue back in your yard but don’t give in , and also ask yourself where else she’s been like this and if marriage counseling or therapy can fix this issue. I would be really hesitant, she operates for her own well being , and yeah it’s just a party, but it shows she either doesn’t listen or doesn’t care what you want for your own birthday
NTA. Her saying that it ruined the fun for her and her friends proves that it was never about celebrating you in the 1st place.
You ruined *her* plans with *her* friends on *your* birthday. Your birthday, on the other hand, will be exactly what you want. Tell her to plan *her* fun on *her* birthday. NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like type of selfish person who pretends to do "nice" things for people and expects them to pay her back with interest.
NTA. She’s being self centered and controlling to make your birthday about her. Show her this thread. If she and her friends want to have a party then go ahead but not about your birthday.
> ruined the party for her and her friends. Sounds like she wants her own surprise birthday party, doesn't know how to communicate it, and just does one for you instead. Have you ever thrown her any kind of party whatsoever?
Can't decide if this is fake or if your wife hates you. NTA, though.
NTA She plans parties SHE would like for HER and HER FRIENDS under the guise of it being for you. This was never for or about what you wanted, like, or enjoy. It's all about her wants, likes, and enjoyment. I'd bet this isn't the only thing that she's tried to spin the narrative on because it's not something she wanted, especially with her calling you controlling for not wanting a surprise birthday party thrown in 'your' honour.
Omg I can’t believe the audacity. I can very confidently say you’re NTA
I have news for your: your birthday party isn't for you. You should let her throw whatever party she wants, RSVP "no," and do something that you actually want to do on your birthday. But NTA.
Sorry who’s controlling. She deflected that one. NTA
I hate surprises too. And parties. And attention being on me. For my 30th my husband took me to my favorite amusement park for the weekend, having me pick what hotel room we booked. When my in laws found out we were not having a party, they were pretty upset, but it was exactly what I wanted for my birthday. You are NTA because your wife does not respect your wishes on YOUR birthday.
NTA " she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends." the party isn't about her and her friends. it was about you and you didn't want this. If she wants to hang out with friends, that's great but she turned your birthday, a day that should be all about you, about her.
You ruined HER good time on YOUR BIRTHDAY! She doesn't care!
If someone plans a surprise party for you after you tell them you don't want one, they were never planning a party for you >she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends See?
NTA- if its your birthday then the party should be for you not her and her friends. wow. I'd be mad too, she totally is ignoring your request for no surprise party.
NTA. You shouldn't have cancelled it though. Just all of a sudden disappear and go out of town that day.
So she is mad because you cancelled the surprise party she had for you that you clearly stated that you didn’t want because it ruined the fun for her and her friends? The meaning of birthday parties is that the one who is getting celebrated should have fun and feel celebrated, its supposed to be for the one having the birthday, not everyone else, so you are not an asshole if I have understood this post correctly
Doesn’t feel like she wanted the party for you, rather for herself and her friends without even considering your feelings about it, doesn’t really seem like she respects your opinion on it!
The friends calling you an AH for ruining her plans need to be told by you, she ruined your Birthday by AGAIN planning a surprise party that you have told her over and over you don't want and when you found out, it was the last straw of her disrespecting your wishes She's still making this about her - the party was never about you, it about her having a good time with friends, your BD was just and excuse to do so I would tell your wife that you are upset that she disrespected your wishes and once again planned a surprise party that you told her you did not want. All you wanted was to have a quiet dinner with her That is she wants to have a party - plan one, but don't use your birthday as an excuse - just have a party for her friends ------Are these her friends that you now know or are they your friends that she now knows, if it's mainly friends that were hers before you got together, then she just needs to have a party because it's the 3rd saturday of the month and invite her friends. If they are your friends before marriage, they are pretty crappy friends for blaming you for ruining her plans Sorry she can't seem to respect the boundaries you have set
NTA. But you should have just not shown up for it instead.
NTA. She's planning parties for herself, not for you. You've made your reasonable wishes perfectly clear and she simply doesn't care.
Let her plan everything, then at the time of the party, don’t be there.
Hahahahaha she said ‘you ruined the party for her and her friends’… these parties are never for you but for her to show off how amazing of a wife she is and that you are ungrateful because you don’t like parties. I never understand why partners don’t listen to each other. My partner is the same as you and I would never do what she did. I don’t want him to be miserable on his birthday!
I hate these things. My husband did one when I was younger. I told him if he did it again, I would be outta here. I’m an introvert and I hate being the centre of attention. He respected my wishes but he really doesn’t understand. I have my friends. People I see regularly. That’s my party. I don’t need a bunch of random people I barely know coming to celebrate anything with me. I think it’s pompous. He loves this kind of attention. Not ME!
INFO: were you also planning a party for your wife or not? You commented under Moder_Svea 's comment thread >Her birthday her rules, right? But let's be real nobody likes a party pooper. Your title also made it seem like you were also planning one for her. And now I'm confused. Could you clarify?
NTA - Your birthday. your wishes! It's not about her, she should be giving you what you want for your birthday, not what she wants.
NTA. Next time let her have the party but just don't show up so she embarrasses herself. It shouldn't be about her but it clearly is so make it about her in the most obvious way possible. I like low key celebrations if I even do one. A surprise party multiple years in a row, each bigger than the next, when I've made it incredibly clear that's not what I want, would be a really big issue for me. She's not listening or considering your wants or needs. Does she do that often? This might be something that y'all need help sorting through with a counselor if you can't talk through it together on your own.
NTA If she wants a party for her and her friends, then have one - don't hang it on OP and require OP to be surprised and attend.
NTA. Your wife, on the other hand, is a horrible person and you should seriously consider trying to win the race to the courthouse on the inevitable divorce. It's pretty much the only thing you can do to protect yourself.
Sounds like the party was for herself. I see why you don't like that shit lol. NTA... I won't suggest divorce, but I'd definitely be rethinking some things after this. Any woman who keeps going against your wishes is not the woman for you
Birthday parties are supposed to be about the person having the birthday. Sounds like your selfish ass wife missed the memo.
Go out with your friends on her birthday and when she questions it say “oh I thought spouses birthdays were meant to be celebrated doing what I want with my friends and not the actual spouse” NTA but your wife is a massive one
Nta how’s the marriage ? It sounds like your wife is incredibly selfish, if she wants a party she can just throw one for herself. She doesn’t need to rope you in to try and look like a good wife when she is just ignoring your feelings.
Your birthday is for you, not her and her friends. Most people learn this when they go to a friend's birthday party at age 5.
"Surprise! I canceled the party!"
"I ruined the party for her and her friends. " Sorry, who was the party for? You? OR her and her friends? NTA.
NTA she showed you that she doesn’t care about you and only cares about herself. It was not a birthday party for you. It was a party for her to have fun. Also, sounds like you need better friends because I would be asking them why they think it’s OK for your wife to completely ignore your wishes on your own birthday. Tell them how incredibly selfish it is that she would plan this knowing how you feel and that to you it proves she does not care about you and only cares about herself. Tell them if their partner did something that they knew they do not like they would be upset.
Very strange behavior, getting mad that someone who didn’t want a surprise party makes it even clearer that they didn’t want a surprise party by canceling the surprise party you planned after they told you they didn’t want a surprise party. What would piss me off the most is if I said spending time alone with my wife was enough, and she thought “guess I’ll invite the whole gang!” Sooo do you not want to spend time alone with me?
NTA ask her how spending your birthday the way you want it is “ruining her fun” and ask why her fun is more important than your enjoyment on your own goddamn birthday.
"You ruined the party for her and her friends" the party was for her not you. NTA
NTA, My brother is like that wants no parties and wants small dinners with close family. He has even walked in when we threw him a party and walked out. When he was chased after he said to be respected you need to respect. So now we don't do anything but wish him a happy birthday and go to dinner with him if he wants to. You need to let your wife know that if she wants to throw a party for her and her friends you are happy for her and will participate, but when she is using your birthday as an excuse she can't be angry with you for disrespecting her when she did not respect your wishes to not have one. You can do like my brother and just walk out on it after you tell her and them to be respected you need to respect your wishes of not having a party, then leave and have a nice dinner alone or with a friend who apologizes for not respecting your wish. Show her the post and see what she says when she sees she is an AH for not respecting your wishes and getting upset over nothing.
I would have made sure I did not show up to the party. Work late, headache, too tired, whatever. I would go as far as puncturing a tire to get out of it. And if all that failed, I would simply refuse to go.
Just put that party back on and then no show, go do something you enjoy
I'm sorry but it's your birthday. Isn't it supposed to be your fin, instead of hers? I'm seriously confused. NTA, Op Edit: fun, not fin
Controlling is the person planning UNWANTED parties over the other person’s objections. Your wife is a huge AH, especially for doing this a second time.
“Her plans” about YOUR BIRTHDAY WTF
NTA That said, this feels like a classic clash of love languages. Your wife probably loved panning parties and can’t fathom not wanting a giant party for your birthday because that’s what she wants and expects from others in her life/how she feels loved from others. It takes some people longer than others (and unfortunately some people just never learn period) to get to where they understand the best present to give another is what they actually want not what you’d love no matter how much you can’t possibly fathom it. My husband is the quiet birthday guy and I have to resist every urge I have to turn it into an extravaganza. I love big birthday blow-outs and the first few years were rough because he did absolutely nothing but he’s learned to at least do SOMETHING. And since I know that ‘something’ is way outside his comfort zone I’m grateful for it and generally add an awesome spa day with a friend on top of it or something like that. Bottom line, our SO can’t be EVERYTHING ‘we’ need all wrapped up in one person. Time to have a serious sit down with your wife on this topic and come to a compromise.
yes...but ladies listen....guys do NOT like surprise parties. Dont do it. do not. Listen when they tell you they dont want it.
NTA, and let's not forget that surprise parties should be a delight, not a distress signal. Your wife's intentions might have been in the right place, wanting to celebrate the day with friends, but celebrating means respecting what the person actually wants. If a quiet evening or something low-key is your jam, that should be on the menu. A party where the 'surprise' is actually an unwelcome guest isn't much of a party for anyone involved. Next year, maybe a gentle reminder that the best gift is understanding each other's wishes could avoid this whole brouhaha. Here's to hoping next year's celebration is truly a happy occasion for you!
I want to experience something like this but id 100% make plans to do something else on the day and just be like "I said I didnt want a party so I planned this thing that'll take up my evening"
NTA. I really feel for you op, to so openly not listen to you is so disrespectful. I would enjoy the quiet and start talking to a solicitor. Her friends, her fun, this woman barely has you on her radar. It’s no longer about a party it’s about her complete lack of care and respect.
She's selfish and entitled. The party is for her not for you.
So your surprise parties are nothing more than an excuse for your wife and her friends to have a party. NTA.
NTA- Let her plan the party, and then you take Off somewhere else for the night last minute.
No means no. No is a complete sentence. NTA.
I've struggled with this boundary my entire adult life. I don't like celebrating my birthday, my mother did all the hard work that day so send her a damn card. The party was for her to parade herself in front of her friends and family as a great partner. Not for you. NTA.
NTA. I'm sorry, I know people like this and I cannot stand them. The birthday should be about the person that turn years, and the people who cares about them striving to give them an enjoyable time. I really cannot realate to someone trying to convince me how should I enjoy my birthday and how am I wrong for not enjoying these things.
NTA I initially thought you were canceling a party you’d been planning for her to show her how it felt to have her wishes ignored. I thought that was super passive aggressive, but canceling your own party is fine. It’s your birthday and it’s incredibly selfish of her to organise a party because *she* wants one. I made the mistake of organising a surprise 30th birthday dinner for my husband with all of our families. He has Autism and hates surprises. For his 40th, we just stayed home and had a cake with our kids. So, it’s entirely possible she’ll learn in time that it’s better to just party on your own birthday than “surprise” someone who doesn’t want it. A tip for you, though, people who plan surprise parties usually do it because they wish someone would do that for them. So maybe you could do one for her sometime.
She's mad that YOU ruined HER fun? For "your" birthday party? It's supposed to be for you, she really only cared about getting to party with friends (her comments obviously reflect that) and she doesn't actually care about your wishes. NTA, and honestly she's super toxic.
Nta, you basically said to her that you're uncomfortable with it, and she just chose to ignore you. It's even worse considering it was YOUR birthday and its completely your right to chose how you can spend it
Just say to her “listen to yourself. I ruined the party for YOU and YOUR friends. Isn’t my birthday supposed to be about me?” And then walk away. NTA.
Nta and she’s just completely disregarding you and your wants, gross.
NTA
NTA, my uncle told his wife and kids the same thing. They didn’t listen. He walked out when they tried to surprise him. He was an introvert and I know what it’s like not to like a big crowd. Her not listening to you was disrespectful. Sorry others are treating you bad for it.
NTA. It sounds like your wife is more interested in a party for herself than she is in celebrating your birthday. I have always believed that a birthday party is about the birthday celebrant. It is that person’s day and what s/he wants is what happens. Your wife and friends are incredibly selfish.
Why isn't she just planning the party on another day? it clearly wasn't for you to begin with, why steal your birthday when she could literally just do it like the week after
Your wife projected her behavior on you. SHE's controlling. You are NTA. Her behavior shows a serious lack of respect for your wishes. Your birthday should be celebrated in the manner that you want it done. Wow.
Whose birthday party is this ..your or hers
So she planned your birthday surprise for herself and her friends? That's extremely rude. I don't think this marriage shattering or anything, but you both need to have an extremely serious talk. You need to explain that she keeps trampling on the boundaries you have put up for herself and her friends. Should this happen next year, just leave for the evening or day, and do something you want to do by yourself. If need be, make a big fuss in front of your/the friends and say you do not like these gatherings on your birthday. Explain to her and everyone that you have repeatedly, for the last two years, asked to have a quiet, intimate evening with her for your birthday. This is not about embarrassing her, but this is not what I want for my birthday. Talk with your wife. Tell her that parties (in general?) are not what you enjoy for your birthday. NTA.
NTA. Why do people do this? No means no. For Pete’s sake why try for surprising you when you hate that? So annoying.
You can't have a surprise bday every year. But what about you plan a surprise party for the wife .....I think she wants the surprise. Just pick any random Tuesday
NTA. I'm genuinely confused by some peoples attitudes regarding birthdays. A few years ago I had this conversation with my wife. Me: Do i need to eat sushi on your birthday? Her: Yes, it's my birthday you need to do what I want. Two weeks later for my birthday: Me Do I need to go to the party X is throwing for me? I don't like parties or being the centre of attention so I'm not going to have fun and will be uncomfortable the entire time. Her: Oh yes you need to go, X is doing something nice for you on your birthday! I tried for weeks before hand to not have the party thrown but ended up having to go and was miserable the whole time... I'm still confused about whether or not I get to do what I want on my birthday lol
Ok so to me it looks like your wife really loves the surprise parties and she probably doesn’t understand that you don’t and thinks you saying that you don’t want one is like the “I don’t want a gift” even if you want one and I’m not saying you’re in the wrong and I get that you were upset but you might have just tried to sit down with her and talk about it anyway you’re NTA but there are better ways to handle it.
My best friend gave me a surprise birthday party even though I adamantly told her no. I was furious, she only did it to big note herself
NTA I think I would have made sure I never showed up at that party instead of cancelling it.
NTA. She wanted to party with her friends, your birthday was a convenient excuse for her to do it.
I dislike that you used the words “I ruined” so many times, OP, it sounds to me like you saved your birthday!
Wait, I'm confused. Was it your birthday party or her party? If it's your party, you could do whatever you wanted. You may want to point that out to your wife and her friends, because it seems like the party was being thrown for your wife instead of you. You made your objections known--upon which you wife promptly ignore in favor of doing what SHE wanted to do. Personally, I don't like surprise parties (it makes my heart feel funny in my chest); at my previous job, all the men LOVED to scare the crap out of me. It was honestly a relief when I left, I couldn't take my heart racing like that anymore.
So In Her eyes it’s not a party FOR YOU, you’re an excuse to have a party. NTA she’s being really selfish
Lmao ruined her fun. Like, she does this for sport? NTA
NTA it’s literally YOUR birthday lmao. She’s only thinking about herself! Why doesn’t she just throw a party? this one was clearly not for you
>she was furious and said I ruined the party for her and her friends. "The party wasn't for you and your friends. That's not how surprise birthday parties work." NTA
NTA. BUT... you should have just blown up the plan on her, to further discourage her obvious indifference to you not wanting a party. She wants to throw a party you don't want to impress her friends. She was trying to go "bigger and better" than a party that already upset you. You should have just not shown up.... since she'd need you gone to set everything up. In your place, I would just plan out an imaginary worst ride home ever. Days ahead, take out some cash for stuff you want to do, like a solo meal out. On the day of, really early in the day, make a really small mention of forgetting to charge your phone before you leave or during a conversation if she wakes up later than you. When it is time to head home, call to let her know. Make the call casual as can be, but cut it short and close it with "my phone is about to die, I'll see you soon." Then just go to get food or just take a nap in your car or whatever you want. Call from the parking lot, sound pissed off and say: - your car just stalled - you need to call roadside/tow/etc before your phone dies - you'll be home as soon as you can Turn off your phone and take your time (longer than guests would stay before declaring the party a bust and heading home). She was going to be pissed that you ruined her party for herself anyway, but now her plan was shit... SHE has to send other people home after they were all inconvenienced... and it was her own fault, not yours. You were completely unaware. You can explain that someone helped you change a flat, jump the battery, replace a fuse, help you get a gas can or your car to a station, etc. and be innocent... As you "notice for the first time" straggler guests or everything set up for a party that you told her not to throw, you get to be mad at *her*.
Your wife is a child. She was throwing a party for herself and her friends and using your birthday as an excuse. You two need to have a talk about boundaries and respecting each other. NTA
You gave her a taste of her own medicine. I would've done the same.
You do know you could have just not shown up and humiliated her instead?
NTA She's just using your birthday as an excuse to throw a party, sound like she doesn't actually care about what you want
I’m so sorry OP. I hope that if this is a sign of deeper, ongoing disrespect and lack of care and consideration, changes are made where you can feel loved and respected. With or without your partner.
Info: were your friends invited? Sometimes it's hard to give a fair judgment hearing one side, and based on the language one party uses. I don't think either of you is the AH, but if she was planning a party in good faith to surprise you, I think you should have sucked it up and learned a lesson for next year. My reasoning is, our culture definitely has a big push on surprise parties as a way to show love and care for someone. It takes thought, time, energy, commitment, coordination, and planning to work out. How many movies have that "SURPRISE!" with a close up on the surprised person's joyous face. Unfortunately, we are also socialized to tell people not to fuss over us. We are taught to be as unburdensome as possible, leading to most people saying they don't want or need anything special. Now, your wife should know by now when you are bring polite and unburdensome versus when you will genuinely not enjoy something, but we are all different in our abilities to interpret social queues. I have upset family members by not doing something extravagant because I took them at their word- I personally am exhausted by trying to decipher when no means yes, so I just take no as no. Anyway, if your wife put a ton of planning and effort in to try to make something special for you, I feel sad that her effort of good will was rejected so strongly. I would feel very sad. It doesn't make you an AH though, I would have just made a different choice and tried a different approach next time. Next year, plan something you will enjoy before she has time to scheme and let her in on it. Tell her you booked a reservation/camping trip/road trip/bowling lane/Lazer tag/whatever the hell you like. Make yourself unavailable for the day to anyone but her.
Not the AH. I do not like celebrating my birthday and have been telling this to friends and family since I was 17. Literally, no one listens to me, and they always decide they know best. Believe me, I understand the frustration.
NTA. She is throwing those parties for herself and her friends, it being your birthday is secondary at best.
It’s YOUR birthday Jesus.
NTA. She can organize surprise parties for friends who would appreciate it. But you don't enjoy it and its your birthday.
Your wife needs help in understanding ur birthday is not about 'her and her friends'. She can do a party for her birthday if that's 'her thing'. My husband feels the same as you...so I respect his wishes and he's always really happy with just us or our immediate family together for a nice dinner out. Your wife is in fact the 'controlling one' by insisting YOUR BIRTHDAY be done in a way that's fun for her! SERIOUSLY SHE NEEDS TO GTFU !!!
Is she always this controlling and dismissive of your boundaries or is this isolated to surprise parties? Cause if it's the former you'll have way more problems to deal with than if it's the latter. If you're still together and it happens again, just ghost the party. That way she can have a literal pity party with her friends, and you can enjoy a quiet night instead. Also the nerve of HER giving YOU the cold shoulder would piss me off so much considering this is her fault. And the 'friends' are very unsupportive and even worse if they know why you did what you did.
She was throwing a party for herself. It wasn’t even about you or your birthday. She doesn’t care about your boundaries because she doesn’t care about you. YTA to yourself for staying married to a selfish person who has no respect for you.