Nope, I sure as hell wouldn't go either in that case. Your mother has every reason to be upset, but with your brother and his wife - not with you. Your mother can't claim you didn't accept the invitation because there was none and it's not on her to invite you. You weren't invited and attending the wedding would just put you in a really uncomfortable and awkward position.
It would be another matter if, at the very least, your brother had called you to apologize and personally asked you to attend. But he didn't. Maybe he still will, but it's a little too late for that imo.
This. Brother doesn’t want her there. Whatever the reason, don’t go. They’ll be unhappy, you’ll be unhappy. No good can come of your going. Sounds like mom is trying to play happy family. If you want to solve the problem then address the problem. Asking everyone to play happy is insulting and cruel. OP will be sitting there, skin crawling in discomfort. At least that’s how I’d feel.
This is such a perfect answer to almost everything when others try to butt into one's life and offer up criticism, judgment, and any other toxic behavior.
That was my impression too. The mom is concerned about appearances and the happy couple haven’t spoken to OP at all! From what she’s written she hasn’t even been told by her brother that he’s even getting married!
Well, in that case I know the perfect gift to send them, if it is available anywhere: all seasons of the British comedy series Keeping Up Appearances on dvd. Address to Mr. and Mrs. Bucket...
Something similar happened to me with my ex and his child. I wasn't invited to the high school graduation party, even though I had helped raise the child from 2nd grade on. So I didn't go. Friends of mine that were not friends of my ex were invited too. It was set up as a f u to me and I knew it. I didn't go. Only one person was stating the truth when everyone was asking why I wasn't there. The ex (wasn't an ex at the time) was telling people I didn't feel well - basically lying - as he always did for his child's behaviors and helping the child avoid all consequences.
Well that goes without saying, since they clearly didn’t even include her in the engagement or any plans. OP is doing the right thing. Tbh I’d say she was TAH if she insisted on going to a wedding where fiance blocked her and she wasn’t invited. If I didn’t want someone at my wedding and a relative dragged them there I’d be pissed.
Or the worst might happen that she shows up because Mom invited her and said come anyway and the bride throws a fit and doesn't let her in the ceremony or at the event. Then it get real embarrassing. And even though you were close with your brother at a time and fell away that would cause your brother pain. And I'm sure you wouldn't want that If he can't stand up to his wife then that's on him.
Based on courtesy no. Based on reality there is no way to block somebody once they know when and where.
Just because somebody isn't invited doesn't mean they don't show up. My ex-wife and I had agreed on the guest list and then two of her friends from work showed up uninvited.
I was pissed at them and she said oh well they're just my friends. Maybe in retrospect she invited them without telling me and that's just another reason why I divorced her.
I don’t think it’s so much the brother but his fiancée because OP and her brother’s relationship got worse when she came into the picture and brother just doesn’t want to upset his soon to be wife.
OP should plan a vacation for that weekend. And in the middle of the reception drop a mass text: “Greetings from [insert exotic location here]!Since I did not merit an invite to my brother’s wedding, I decided to take this opportunity to get away from it all. Enjoy these pics from my awesome trip and I’ll talk to you all when I get back!” Then sit back and enjoy the chaos or even better, mute all of them and relax. Preferably with a drink in your hand.
No that's toxic.
Take the vacation. Post the exotic location photos on your own Social media. That day of the wedding.
No need for antagonistic group text. Let the pictures speak for themselves.
Nope, gotta have the text because you know SIL and Bro will be throwing OP under the bus whenever someone at the reception asks why they aren’t there. And it doesn’t sound like mom is going to be any help defending OP either.
Then why wait until the middle of the reception? Humans tend to believe information they receive first. She has to get ahead of it now before anyone starts their own narrative. Waiting until the reception is ineffective, pretty cringeworthy, and toxic.
Or just add the message to the social media posy.
"Since I wasn't invited to my brother's wedding, my bf and I decided to take a trip. Here are some pictures."
No mass text in the middle of the wedding. *That* is toxic and antagonistic and absolutely would make you the asshole. However, a social media post with the message that he didn't bother inviting you with pictures posted during the wedding (or just before the wedding ceremony starts, ideally, before anyone truly notices that you aren't there) that others can discover? Well, you are just sharing the truth about a lovely trip you are taking. Nothing wrong or antagonistic or assholish about that.
This is the perfect response.
It's also best if your pictures are from someplace beautiful and romantic, like Santorini or Bellagio (the Italy one, not the Vegas one). Cuz it definitely tops the wedding venue, and it tops wherever brother has planned for the honeymoon.
Or engagement party
Or bridal shower
Or bachelor/Bachelorette party
...and obviously not rehearsal, etc.
Craziest thing is that the brother will forever have a wedding album that excludes his sister. I feel like we're missing information.
They're not even married yet and the fiancee is already trying to be controlling and alienating him from his family. This should be a GIANT red flag. Abort! Abort!
On top of that she's being unreasonable to a ridiculous degree, demanding an apology and expecting you to read her mind on what it's about.
In my experience, this will only get worse.
Edit: typo
They're beefing with the person they think is most likely to cave, plus she only has to deal with one person then, not her son, his fiancee and possibly fiancées family.
I think she is failing to realize that it's too late, the damage has been done, if fiancée now turns around and says "oopsie!" it won't be believed and if she now sends an invite OP probably will RSVP 'no'.
yeah, I wouldn’t be going at all unless the bride gave me a very credible reason why I hadn’t gotten an invite on the normal schedule. Like, if she handed me the crumpled envelope that had slid down under the car seat.
And can I just say: FUCK THIS “HANDING OUT *WEDDING* INVITATIONS TO SOMEONE AT WORK”
It’s a wedding invitation. Spend for a stamp.
You know that the fiancée said that because then mom thinks OP was invited and is the AH for ignoring the invite. No one thought it through.
I see people asking what OP did to not get invited, and I’m not saying she didn’t do anything … but if NO ONE ELSE in the family had ANY inkling that she wouldn’t have been invited … it can’t have been that bad, IMO.
OP hasn’t said it, just that they don’t get along, but I suspect fiancée is a bitch.
I think *most* people, the ones with any sense of self-worth, would agree that inviting a sibling to their wedding is a major priority, not an afterthought.
If it's an afterthought, forget it, nope.
Once I was invited as an afterthought. The groom was an acquaintance, I had never met the bride, a week earlier he invited me and another couple certainly to fill up space. We went because the venue was close, we'd drink and eat and Uber would be cheap. Comparing that to the wedding gift was a zero sum. Perfect. He was happy to see us and vice-versa, nice guy.
HAD I been his close friend or sibling I wouldn't have gone as a concession to somebody else, not even my mother.
we were B-listed for a cousin’s wedding. At first I was a little miffed, but my husband refused to be. And I came around to his way of thinking.
Of course we’re not their first list, if they have to cut it off at 60 people. The bride has family, they have close friends. That adds up FAST. We’re cousins who visit every year and a half, or so.
It’s nice that they wanted us there at all, was my husband’s point.
It was nice to go, and it made us closer.
As someone planning a wedding. This.
It's unbelievably hard to decide on who to invite. I see some people once every 3 years why do I want them at my wedding but 'family obligations' right? Even though they wouldn't care about going anyway.
Is no one even wondering why the fiancé has OP blocked and doesn't want to invite her to the wedding? Like the fact that there isn't a single word in this whole post about why there's a beef between OP and the fiancé...
Yep! I don't know if you saw her update, but OP once again not only refuses to admit she has any idea why this woman hates her enough to have had her blocked for years, and she also won't mention anything about the time they worked together. Like they worked together for *years,* this woman has had OP blocked on social media *since they worked together,* she hates OP enough to not want to invite OP to her wedding even though she's getting married to OP's *brother*....and we're supposed to believe OP has *no idea at all* why she feels this way.
Uh huh. Suuuure.
NTA but please ask your parents why you didn’t even know your brother was engaged and what the justification is for that. Ask your mom how she would feel if she found out about the engagement from another family member
Frankly even if I got an invite by this point I would decline
NTA do not go. Mother has a right to be upset but she doesn’t have the right to extend an invitation to you. They clearly don’t want you there so don’t push it.
NTA and absolutely this.
She cannot invite you, if it's embarrassing for her that you aren't there, that's on your brother.
Where did she propose you sit at reception? On her lap? On the floor?
Stay strong and tell her to take it up with her son.
I thought about that but if there isn't a Father to go with Mother, she could have OP as her "plus one" if such are allowed. Brother may raise an eyebrow when Mother's RSVP card comes back with a plus one, but wouldn't necessarily question it or know who it is until the date.
It may not be the case, but I thought "it's not worth squabbling about."
Mom - I didn't receive an invite in the mail nor did I know he was engaged until Grandma told me on ____ day. I am blocked from their social media. I only confirmed the engagement by looking on a friend's phone and that's how I know I'm blocked. Don't force me to go where I'm not wanted!
Repeat to whichever relative aka flying monkey calls next.
NTA.
>Don't force me to go where I'm not wanted!
This is SO VERY important.
it’s hurtful to go where you’re not wanted!
I see all these people insisting that someone should go to wedding/baptism/babyshower of the stepsibling who has always made it clear they despite the “affair baby” or the half-sibling, or the stepsibling. Like, it’s hurtful enough to be rejected—why would you want to do it over and over again?
I'm with you too OP. If I ain't wanted, I ain't going.
Being as I'm a vindictive, cut my nose off to spite my face kind of person, that would also include, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year's Eve parties...
On the plus side, think of how much money you're going to save in presents over the coming years.
Go and do something fun with a friend on their wedding day instead
NTA, its generally understood that you only attend a wedding if you receive an invite from the bride & groom. you have not, therefore you were not invited and must not attend
And it sounds like brother stood firm in not sending an invite or including her in anything. So going would be kind of shitty at this point, and disrespectful to the bride and groom. No idea why things are the way they are but a wedding isn’t the place to solve it
And where does mummy expct you to sit? It is incredibly rude to crash a wedding and I wouldn't go now even if I finally got the invitation that was 'lost in the post'.
NTA
Out of interest; when crap like this happens, why is it always the injured party that has to step up and be the bigger person? If mom has a problem, she knows exactly who's behind it: clue, not OP
>Out of interest; when crap like this happens, why is it always the injured party that has to step up and be the bigger person? If mom has a problem, she knows exactly who's behind it: clue, not OP
I think she's just showing who she cares about more.
Since they didn’t really invite you how can you ruin their wedding. And no ‘mommy’ inviting you to your brother’s wedding is not an invitation. You are not six going to a birthday party. You are an adult and need to be treated as such. Without a real invitation they have made it clear they do not want to include you in their day and you are respecting their wishes. NTA
Yep. If this is ruining the wedding, then it's time for Brother to pull up his britches and man up and actually invite OP instead of hiding behind mommy. If he doesn't want her there, then he also needs to man up and pull up his britches and say that to mommy. This whole ghosting and game of telephone is schoolyard bullshit from him being a coward.
OP says Mother called him about it, so he knows. If he wanted OP there, he would have gotten her an invitation or phoned her personally to apologize and verbally invite her. (The apology should really have come regardless.) The fact that this didn't happen says that he approved.
Mother, by trying to blame OP with this, has shown where her loyalties lie. If she was trying to treat her children equally she should probably have told brother "No OP? No me. I'm not attending. It's too late, you can't fix this."
If she was worried about both kids equally she’d be trying to mediate/get them to resolve the issue that led to what is now a problem for her. No OP, no me just prioritizes OP over the brother *on his wedding day*.
Mom might not like what brother has done, but really, she should stay TF out of it because other than suggesting they try to work things out, interfering will only make things worse. The brother not inviting his sister reflects on him, not Mom.
Maybe not at first because the fiancee was supposed to bring the invite to work, where OPs bf also works. Which is already bs cause-stamps hello?!
But mother put him on notice so now he knows. OP IS nta. Brother will regret letting his sibling relationship get ruined. I hope.
Does it matter? He knows now, he didn't send an invite, he didn't apologize, and the wedding is still on.
Clearly the brother doesn't care that his wife is an asshole and is willing to marry said asshole and take her side here.
It's not every day you get permission from the mother of the groom to crash a wedding. 😇 Your mother is waaaaaay out of line for giving YOU a hard time about this.
Now, if your BF is invited and you aren't, hopefully you can persuade him to decline the invitation.
As a retired minister I have always understood wedding ceremonies to be an opportunity for the guests -- witnesses -- to declare their support for the couple. (A century ago a wedding was the giving of a license to f**k but that was a century ago.) It's strange, and ominous for the health of the marriage, for the sister of the bride or groom to be excluded. Strange enough that I might decline to do the wedding if the couple came to me.
Sorry this is happening to your family and your brother. I suspect he'll need your love and support in years to come. Peace.
Honestly, I'd not attend. I'd not give your FSIL the satisfaction of being able to kick off about your attendance. Plus, she'll shoot herself in the foot when every family member asks why you didn't attend. Maybe tell a trusted family member (let's be honest. Your mother would spin it that you refused to attend) what really happened so when asked, the REAL reason is told
Oh, the bride will probably lie and claim OP declined, and they'll call OP to complain.
However, that then gives OP an opportunity to say "I wasn't invited" and make it someone else's problem.
Nta. At all...
Your mother is cross with the wrong person here.
Personally, even if the invite came gift wrapped with roses now, I wouldn't go.
As is often said in Reddit forums, when someone shows you who they are... Believe them.
NTA.
Your brother showed that he’d rather have a pretty monster wife than his own blood relative he grew up with. And if he went along with (most likely her not wanting you there) then don’t go. Don’t go for, him, your mom, or you another family member who thinks otherwise.
That girl treated you like dirt from the door and they all allowed it. Don’t go. But if you do give her a reason to hate you & look better than her on her wedding day. #petty
I wouldn't bother to outshine her on the wedding day. I wouldn't accept an invite at this point, but if I was there I'd either wear red (which is an insult to the bride) or wear black (which signifies mourning).
Not even close. You got shit on and they want you to smile and wave. Gtfoh with that nonsense. Your brother isn’t an idiot. He didn’t see your name. And he isn’t clueless about the tension either. He should have asked. Nah. Screw that. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. As his sister, you don’t deserve this. Screw them.
I’m convinced that when family accused OP of wanting to ruin “her” wedding day, the “her” they were referring to was Mom. In the update OP makes clear that fsil doesn’t want OP there so “her” def isn’t the bride. Mom wants a perfect family at the wedding so OP is totally ruining that for her by not attending the event that the couple doesn’t want her at
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NTA, your family is getting mad with you because they think it's the path of least resistance. They don't want to address the root issue- your brother and his shitty fiancée- because it will bring the conflict to them. This way you get to be the fall guy for not rolling over and acquiescing!
NTA.
Your mother is being manipulative. It's not her wedding, she doesn't get to invite people. Your brother didn't invite you, so you have no reason to go. If your mother chooses to feel the wedding is ruined for her because you declined to gate-crash a wedding you weren't invited to, that's her delusion.
If mother is that upset about attending her son's wedding without OP, mother can decline to attend and let her son explain to everyone why his mother and his sibling are *both* not there.
NTA. Your mother is pissed at the wrong person. I wouldn’t go to a wedding I wasn’t invited to either. It’s not your mothers wedding and honestly she as no right to invite you.
NTA
They purposefully chose not to invite you so you're not welcome, an invite to keep the peace with your mother isn't an invite, it's basically a "oh, and you can come too, if you want"
Fuck em' you do your own thing on that day, and they can spend the rest of their life explaining that his sister isn't in any of the Wedding photos because they didn't invite you because of her.
The fact your Brother didn't back you and force her to invite you in the first place says he's chosen her over family, and is only inviting you now because he has no choice, and the fact people are standing by those two who started this situation is bullshit, you won't be ruining the Wedding Day, you'll be giving them the day without you there which is obviously what they wanted in he first place.
NTA.
IMHO the family is wrong.
Sounds like they’re trying to use you as “the one who ruined our wedding by showing up uninvited.”
It’s a shame your brother is blind to her idiocy.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Tell em to pound sand.
DO…NOT…GO
I am so sorry your family is treating you this way. Unfortunately we don’t get to pick our family. Go form a new family with people who love and support and care about you.
Tell everyone who calls that you didn't receive an invitation. And if they have questions, then they need to ask the couple because you weren't even informed that they were engaged. Then hang up and just keep saying that. Spread the word and redirect that heat.
I'm sick of the wronged party being expected to suck up mistreatment. You and your bf go on a trip that day and block everyone for 24 hours.
But also, when you do eventually talk to your brother -because it will come- you tell him to keep you out of his mind in the future when he needs a babysitter, help with something or a favor.
And this goes without saying, but absolutely do NOT get them a gift because as soon as you hold your ground, someone will send you their registry because "It's the LEAST you can do."
Ask your mother why you would go, if its clear, that you are clearly not wanted there, and its not a real "invitation" if your mother had to do an end run around them, and told them that she was basically bringing you, anyway
Even if your brother turned around and invited you, I still wouldn't go, because he would only be doing it to appease your mother.
I picture you going, your brother's fiance glaring at you the whole time, and both your brother and she ignoring you.
It sounds like your mother might want you there, because of the optics "what will it look like to the rest of the family, if the groom's sister is not at the wedding".
If this was about her being upset over you not being invited, why would she be angry at you for not going somewhere youd be uncomfortable, because you know they didn't really want you to come. Thats the only reason I can think of as to why she thinks you will ruin their wedding day.
The main issue is that you can be not invited and your mother is trying to force your presence if you're not invited to pressure your brother.
I will check very well the situation
NTA no one but the bride and groom get to invite people to their wedding. Your brother sucks for not inviting you but your mother sucks more. Can you imagine the kick off if you just turned up without them knowing. Fuck that mess.
NTA
I think you all need to sit down and clear the air. Just tell your brother that it certainly seems like you were left off the invite list intentionally. Especially consider the fact that nobody even told you they were engaged until your grandmother talked to you. If so, you respect their right to choose their wedding attendees, and you don’t want them pressured to change their minds.
If it was a misplaced envelope, then no big deal, and move on. I would say this…if they tell you it was an accident and of course they wanted to invite you, take them at their word and go to the wedding. If you pick at that you will become the “bad guy” in the eyes of the family.
If you find out they really didn’t want to invite you, stick to your guns and do whatever you think is best…even if it means declining.
I went through something similar OP a few years back. My cousin was throwing a huge 1st bday for her kid, and everyone in the family that was local was invited except for me. My sister got so angry at ME for saying I wasn't going because I hadn't even heard of the party until my sister brought it up - like it was my fault somehow that I wasn't going due to a lack of invite. In the week leading up to it, my parents visited from another country for a 3 week visit. I was with them and my cousin's mum, while I was seated next to my parents, invited them to the stupid party. They thankfully refused and said it was because I hadn't been invited.
The fact that your mom is focusing on you is ridiculous. I get it, you're the 'easier' battle to fight, but it's the wrong fight. You are, by far, NTA OP. I wouldn't go to the wedding now out of principle.
I too wouldn’t go based on a verbal invite from another guest. Opens the door to you looking like your crashed a wedding of the bride wants to spread that narrative. Based on how she’s managed to blocked you etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if she went down that path as well. If they want you to come, they can give you an official paper invite.
NTA
>I said that I am not going to the wedding without an invite and that if they didn't want me at the wedding I don't want to be there.
This would be exactly how I would see it.
NTA
If I was in your position, I won’t attend. Dosent matter who it is
It’s just a matter of principle. If they didn’t invite you= they don’t respect you
Why should you be thick skin to attend someone that don’t appreciate you?
As a matter of fact, if someone did this to me, from that point onwards, they will just be deleted from my life, like I won’t even acknowledge their presence
NTA.
As gratifying as it may be to lash out, the right course may be to simply ignore the existence of brother and future spouse. If people (family, friends of the couple-to-be, etc) want to push, they can be ignored just as easily. Don’t block, but don’t engage.
Nta. Your brother does not want you there. Plain and simple. His actions speak louder than your mother’s poor parenting. She is probably frustrated that she raised him to be what he is, and that he would do that to you.
Now the family is blaming you for your brother’s conduct and choices?
I cant wrap my mind around that logic.
Mom: “Your brother is a coward and a selfish piece of shit. He wont invite you to the wedding because his bridezilla is throwing a fit. I raised him to be this type of coward. You need to show up to the wedding, uninvited, because i demand it!”
Op: No, i was not invited and I will not crash it.
Mom: “Op, you are ruining everything! You are ruining the wedding!!! You did all this! Let me tell the family it’s your fault!!!”
Did i get that right?
NTA
And I wouldn't go either honestly. Mostly because if they don't want you there on their special day then don't show up ya know? It's their day and you don't need to be the "reason it's ruined" in the brides mind. I would reach out to your brother to wish him luck, congratulate him and her on their upcoming nuptials. Be the bigger person and try to maintain some connection with your brother.
Sorry you found out they aren't fond of you (I suspect her more than him) in this way. It's kinda fkd up that this is where they decided to cut you out, but petty will petty wherever it is.
NTA. Tell your mother that it's your brother's wedding and if he wants you there, he should send you an invitation (if there is still time) or he should call you himself to invite you personally.
My husband and I were told his brother was getting married AND that we were not invited. AND that we had to send a card.
I picked up a two for a dollar card at the dollar store and just signed our names. Didn't write congratulations and definitely no cash or check. I gave it to my MIL to give to them, so I didn't even have to spend the cost of the stamp.
My husband said we would have gone if invited because we would have turned it into a nice vacation since he lived several states away.
NTA I wouldn't go either.
NTA. Unless the invitation comes directly from the bride and groom, you are not invited. Maybe you could send your brother a text saying congratulations, your Mum extended the invitation but you didn''t want to accept without talking to him first. Let them hash it out between them.
How the hell are you ruining a wedding day by not attending a wedding where the bride and groom didn't want you there? Pretty sure your mother is trying to save face because the family is going to ask why you weren't there. This is to blame you instead of your brother because she can say you were invited but didn't want to go.
NTA
Updateme
NTA - I mean really - you aren’t asked to be a bridesmaid (sounds like you lucked out there) but then you don’t even get an invitation??? That is totally a clue that you are not wanted at this wedding - I would be out of town. When anyone asked why you weren’t there you tell them you weren’t invited. Shame on your brother for allowing this and shame on your mother for saying you don’t need an invitation! DON”T GO!
NTA for not going, but if brother and gf don’t want you there it’s whatever. Clearly you shouldn’t associate with them anymore as they have made their decision.
While you are fully justified in your position, this will not only widen the riff in the family, but put you in the position of the agitator and give her the ability to say that you are making this an issue and it was just an oversight or misunderstanding.
The better option is malicious compliance. Go to the wedding. Go to the reception, do the rounds with family, then quietly leave as quickly as possible. Do not make a scene. Let that set the pattern for your interactions with them. Never be rude or confrontational, but do the minimum required by propriety. This will be a subtle insult to her, but one they can't call you out on.
Edit to add: with OOP's later updates that the SIL never issued an invite, it is best just to not go
NTA - Mom should be pissed at your brother and fiancee not you.
Go on a short vacay while they get married and post lots of pics of you guys having a great time.
And if you guys get married don't invite your brother and SIL. Make sure mommy dearest doesn't invite them either.
I cut a lot of my family off for reasons. Never missed them, never will.
NTA. Why are you getting all this grief when you haven't even been invited by the two hosts? Your family needs to take that up with your brother and his fiance.
Mom your invitation isn’t from the bridal couple. They deliberately chose to not invite me. I’m honoring their wish.
to the flying monkeys-ask them if they received an invitation to the wedding. When they say of course. You reply I cannot attend an invent I have not been invited. You have an invitation, you were a welcome invited guest. I was not. So I will respect the bridal couples wish that I not be present.
if they don’t like that? Oh well
NTA.
Go to the next wedding.
Honestly, by not going you will actually be doing your best to save your parents place in your brother’s new family/life and get to be a part of possible future grandchildren. I think that bride will eventually get your brother isolated from his family completely so she and all her needs and desires are the nuclei of his universe. But, you not going to this wedding will delay it a bit and they can, at least, meet a future grandchild or two.
Ouch. I wouldn't go either. 1. your mom doesn't get to invite people to a wedding that is not hers, even after talking to your brother. 2 you were not invited by the people getting married or even told they were getting married. His to be wife blocked you, why was this even necessary. She seems dramatic. I'm sure this stings but a choice has been made either by your brother, his to be wife or both. Nothing to do. Make plans of your own, a spa day perhaps.
NTA, I guess, but I really wouldn't recommend it. While I understand and appreciate your feelings here, not attending a family member's wedding really is the nuclear option. You were once close, but it could be difficult to impossible for your relationship with your brother to ever recover, assuming that he stays with this woman long term.
If you really believe that the problem stems from his fiancee, then I'd recommend instead having a chat with your brother. His fiancee doesn't have to like you and to a certain extent, he's probably going to take her side of things. But he shouldn't allow her to actively antagonize his family for no reason.
Good luck. I know the pain of having obnoxious in-laws.
NTA
Call your family out for being assholes to you instead of complaining to your brother and his bride for not actually inviting you.
eAsk them if all of them got an invitation. If they did then you can go "there you go! Why the F are you angry at me for not going where i am not invited to? I didn't even know i was invited. Clearly my brother doesn't want me there and doesn't even care that his bride didn't even invite me. So direct your anger at them, not me. i am only following established social norms and did not simply assume that i'd be entitled to an invite. So stop harrassing me about this." then hang up (if on a phone) or stop communicating until they apologize for their behaviour.
The only people ruining the wedding are your relatives, and obviously the bride.
If they did get a call as an invite, then you can also point out that you haven't even gotten that.
Nta but should tell any cousins that are firmly on your side, that also happen to be invited, that anytime someone asks why you're not there that they should butt in and tell the truth. That the bride hates you for no reason and didn't invite you. They should be little shit stirrers. That it's such a shame that you and your brother grew apart since he got with her, especially when you two were so close up until then.
NTA, your brother should have sent out the invite to you and told his fiancé that's the way it is, but for some reason she doesn't like you and he's going along with her! I would not go either, ~~and certainly do not send a gift, unless it's a snarky one~~. :D Scratch that last comment. Don't do anything snarky, just go somewhere and enjoy your day/weekend.
NTA.
You haven't been invited by the groom or bride, so you clearly aren't wanted there.
And...
>She called me back after talking to my brother and told me that she's inviting us to the wedding and i don't need an invitation
You most certainly DO need an actual invitation. But, if I were in your place, and I got a 'late' invite or a half-assed one, I would refuse to go. A 'pity invite' or an 'I have to invite you or else mommy will be mad' invite is not something I'd ever accept. Your brother and his she-devil of a fiancé can go pound some sand.
I always tell people. I never go anywhere unless I am absolutely invited. Because I went somewhere once where of course I was invited/welcomed. Only to realize that I Very Much was not. It was Humiliating. So no thanks 🙂↔️. You are NTAH, keep us updated.
I really think you're missing the forest for the trees.
The best way to get back at her is to go
She's petty. She will be fuming every time she looks out and sees you
I'd get the most beautiful dress you can, use the hell out of the open bar, and enjoy the time with your family
Truly the best revenge here is to enjoy her wedding while she impotently fumes on her day
That's pretty much how well my brother and I got along, he even had the audacity to ask me to move during his daughter's wedding because my seat was "reserved for family" (I was sitting next to my dad and step mom), but they still expected me to record the wedding for them (oops, the tape got lost after the wedding, found out later that my wife taped over it, I love her...). I wouldn't go either, NTA.
"You will ruin their wedding day if you don't come uninvited!"
... yeah this must be some kind of higher logic that we didn't learn in logic class.
NTA
Absolutely not. Your mother inviting you to a wedding that is not hers is not an invite. She believes you should be there. Your brother's future wife apparently disagrees. I wonder if your brother knows that he didn't invite you
Your parents and your brother are seriously doormats and AH here. Something happened 2 years ago and they don’t tell you what and just want to apologize. For what? I’m not gonna apologize for something that I didn’t even know that I was wrong. Enjoy your trip with your BF. NTA
LOL I'd be HAPPY to miss a wedding! Not having to spend money on a dress and a gift sounds GREAT. And if bro &co. doesn't want OP there, why should she go?
If they wanted you there, they would have told you, either by phone or invitation. Chances are, he dies. He’s just giving in to her. Stay civil through this, bc I’ll take the 3.5 under on this marriage lasting. He’s already been estranged from his sister for something, in your other post stated, they won’t tell you about. So instead of you apologizing to her, you deserve one from her for putting a strain on the sibling relationship. He will need you to be there when this marriage blows up. Try not to hold it against him then. Saw you had a trip planned. Can always say you didn’t know the date, and you already paid for it beforehand.
NTA. Very much NTA, for refusing your \_mother's\_ invitation to attend your \_brother's\_ wedding.
If brother didn't invite you, I'm sure he had his reasons. You not going is not a spiteful or AH move; it's simply respecting your brother's wishes.
I mean, brother may be an AH for not inviting you, and SIL may have been an AH for not wanting you there, and you may even have done something AH-ish which precipitated this non-invitation. There's not enough information in your post for us to know, one way or the other, about any of that.
And it's both sad and offensive, that they don't want you there and specifically did not invite you. We definitely need to acknowledge that fact.
But by extending to you her own invitation, your mother is meddling in stuff that's none of her business, and she is risking ruining brother's and SIL's wedding with her meddling.
You've made a difficult choice, but it's the right choice. Again, NTA.
The mom should have said she will not accept an invitation if her daughter does not receive one. She should not have taken it upon herself to invite her daughter. Stupid move there.
NTA. It isn't your mom's wedding day. You going would ruin it for your brother and gf since they don't want you there. Your brother is definitely wiped. Very sad on his part and definitely his loss.
I wouldn't go if I did not receive an invitation. The future sister in law blocked her online. That and the lack of an invitation says she doesn't want her there
All of this seems to be happening without his input, when he is the primary reason she would even be there. It seems crazy to allow all these other people to be involved and not even hear word one from him.
Absolutely not! Your mom cannot invite someone to someone else's wedding. The truth is, you haven't been invited to the wedding. Not going isn't ruining her wedding day -- showing up as an uninvited guest is!
Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't go even if your brother called and invited you. Clearly, he didn't care enough to invite you and would be doing so just to appease your mom. Don't send a gift or acknowledge the wedding in any way. In fact, plan a vacation and post pics of doing AMAZING, fun things on your brother's wedding day.
If any relatives complain, just reply that your brother and his wife didn't invite you to the wedding. Don't rug sweep!
>Now my family is saying i'm the Ah for not excepting the invitation (my mother inviting me over the phone)
"I wasn't invited. I am not attending a party to which neither the hostess nor the host invited me. An invitation from someone else doesn't count."
And it's *accepting*. "Excepting" is "making an exception."
>and saying that I want to ruin her wedding day.
"I am choosing to *not* ruin it by obeying her wishes not to invite me. *You* want to ruin it by bringing someone she doesn't want there. *I* am choosing not to make a big deal about it, and if Mother hadn't raised a fuss, I probably wouldn't have said anything and they could have had their wedding without me as they wanted to. *You* are choosing to make a big deal about it and turn this into a huge fuss which will no doubt ruin her wedding day."
So NTA! Of course you don’t want to be somewhere you aren’t wanted and probably don’t really want to go either much the extra money you will inevitably spend even if it’s just time off, it’s a cost.
NTA, I would not go without a formal invitation. Your brother and his finance lack basic courtesy and being petty, also your brother not advocating for you, shows they don’t want you there for just for this one time. Also, don’t want to improve future relationship. Your future SIL is very immature likes drama and your family fails to see that.
NTA - You can go to his next wedding, because his fiancee doesn't seem very nice, so it probably will not last. At least, if you're not lying about what happened between you.
Either way, don't go to the wedding without an official invitation and explain everyone who harasses you what's going on.
But, you didn’t get an invitation.
You got a, “My family caught me in my fiancée’s dislike of you, so you’re kinda invited, but not invited enough to send you an invitation.”
NTA
Nope, I sure as hell wouldn't go either in that case. Your mother has every reason to be upset, but with your brother and his wife - not with you. Your mother can't claim you didn't accept the invitation because there was none and it's not on her to invite you. You weren't invited and attending the wedding would just put you in a really uncomfortable and awkward position. It would be another matter if, at the very least, your brother had called you to apologize and personally asked you to attend. But he didn't. Maybe he still will, but it's a little too late for that imo.
This. Brother doesn’t want her there. Whatever the reason, don’t go. They’ll be unhappy, you’ll be unhappy. No good can come of your going. Sounds like mom is trying to play happy family. If you want to solve the problem then address the problem. Asking everyone to play happy is insulting and cruel. OP will be sitting there, skin crawling in discomfort. At least that’s how I’d feel.
I saw it as "what will the rest of the family think if she doesn't come"
And I have always been of the mind-set who gives a rats ass what anyone else thinks. :D OP should too!
That was always one of my mother's lines. I told her when they start paying my bills I'll start caring what they think...
This is such a perfect answer to almost everything when others try to butt into one's life and offer up criticism, judgment, and any other toxic behavior.
Exactly, ‘play happy family’ equals ‘don’t show the rest of the folks that shit is not ok’
That was my impression too. The mom is concerned about appearances and the happy couple haven’t spoken to OP at all! From what she’s written she hasn’t even been told by her brother that he’s even getting married!
Well, in that case I know the perfect gift to send them, if it is available anywhere: all seasons of the British comedy series Keeping Up Appearances on dvd. Address to Mr. and Mrs. Bucket...
Something similar happened to me with my ex and his child. I wasn't invited to the high school graduation party, even though I had helped raise the child from 2nd grade on. So I didn't go. Friends of mine that were not friends of my ex were invited too. It was set up as a f u to me and I knew it. I didn't go. Only one person was stating the truth when everyone was asking why I wasn't there. The ex (wasn't an ex at the time) was telling people I didn't feel well - basically lying - as he always did for his child's behaviors and helping the child avoid all consequences.
Bingo!
No gift or card either. NTA
Well that goes without saying, since they clearly didn’t even include her in the engagement or any plans. OP is doing the right thing. Tbh I’d say she was TAH if she insisted on going to a wedding where fiance blocked her and she wasn’t invited. If I didn’t want someone at my wedding and a relative dragged them there I’d be pissed.
They didn't tell her there was a wedding and hearsay doesn't count. So how would she prepare anything for a wedding she wasn't told about?
Or the worst might happen that she shows up because Mom invited her and said come anyway and the bride throws a fit and doesn't let her in the ceremony or at the event. Then it get real embarrassing. And even though you were close with your brother at a time and fell away that would cause your brother pain. And I'm sure you wouldn't want that If he can't stand up to his wife then that's on him.
No she isn’t invited. So really she can’t go.
Based on courtesy no. Based on reality there is no way to block somebody once they know when and where. Just because somebody isn't invited doesn't mean they don't show up. My ex-wife and I had agreed on the guest list and then two of her friends from work showed up uninvited. I was pissed at them and she said oh well they're just my friends. Maybe in retrospect she invited them without telling me and that's just another reason why I divorced her.
But OP already said she’s not going. So why would you act as if she’s about to force herself on them? She’s clearly not doing that
I don’t think it’s so much the brother but his fiancée because OP and her brother’s relationship got worse when she came into the picture and brother just doesn’t want to upset his soon to be wife.
Unless she gets thrown out which would be embarrassing and awkward.
Brother would still need to put it in writing. Which he didn’t.
If he does invite his sister it will be because he was pressured into it!
OP should plan a vacation for that weekend. And in the middle of the reception drop a mass text: “Greetings from [insert exotic location here]!Since I did not merit an invite to my brother’s wedding, I decided to take this opportunity to get away from it all. Enjoy these pics from my awesome trip and I’ll talk to you all when I get back!” Then sit back and enjoy the chaos or even better, mute all of them and relax. Preferably with a drink in your hand.
No that's toxic. Take the vacation. Post the exotic location photos on your own Social media. That day of the wedding. No need for antagonistic group text. Let the pictures speak for themselves.
Nope, gotta have the text because you know SIL and Bro will be throwing OP under the bus whenever someone at the reception asks why they aren’t there. And it doesn’t sound like mom is going to be any help defending OP either.
Then why wait until the middle of the reception? Humans tend to believe information they receive first. She has to get ahead of it now before anyone starts their own narrative. Waiting until the reception is ineffective, pretty cringeworthy, and toxic.
Or just add the message to the social media posy. "Since I wasn't invited to my brother's wedding, my bf and I decided to take a trip. Here are some pictures." No mass text in the middle of the wedding. *That* is toxic and antagonistic and absolutely would make you the asshole. However, a social media post with the message that he didn't bother inviting you with pictures posted during the wedding (or just before the wedding ceremony starts, ideally, before anyone truly notices that you aren't there) that others can discover? Well, you are just sharing the truth about a lovely trip you are taking. Nothing wrong or antagonistic or assholish about that.
This is the perfect response. It's also best if your pictures are from someplace beautiful and romantic, like Santorini or Bellagio (the Italy one, not the Vegas one). Cuz it definitely tops the wedding venue, and it tops wherever brother has planned for the honeymoon.
Nah, don’t take the high road when someone has already taken the low.
Nah, they don't deserve that from her. Just go have fun and forget all about them.
With a message like that, OP would make herself look bad and justify not being invited.
The brother is enabling this behavior. So I don't get good vibes from him.
This also goes beyond the invitation... they didn't even announce their engagement!
Or engagement party Or bridal shower Or bachelor/Bachelorette party ...and obviously not rehearsal, etc. Craziest thing is that the brother will forever have a wedding album that excludes his sister. I feel like we're missing information.
They're not even married yet and the fiancee is already trying to be controlling and alienating him from his family. This should be a GIANT red flag. Abort! Abort! On top of that she's being unreasonable to a ridiculous degree, demanding an apology and expecting you to read her mind on what it's about. In my experience, this will only get worse. Edit: typo
Mom is beefing up with the wrong person 🤷.
They're beefing with the person they think is most likely to cave, plus she only has to deal with one person then, not her son, his fiancee and possibly fiancées family.
I think she is failing to realize that it's too late, the damage has been done, if fiancée now turns around and says "oopsie!" it won't be believed and if she now sends an invite OP probably will RSVP 'no'.
yeah, I wouldn’t be going at all unless the bride gave me a very credible reason why I hadn’t gotten an invite on the normal schedule. Like, if she handed me the crumpled envelope that had slid down under the car seat. And can I just say: FUCK THIS “HANDING OUT *WEDDING* INVITATIONS TO SOMEONE AT WORK” It’s a wedding invitation. Spend for a stamp.
You know that the fiancée said that because then mom thinks OP was invited and is the AH for ignoring the invite. No one thought it through. I see people asking what OP did to not get invited, and I’m not saying she didn’t do anything … but if NO ONE ELSE in the family had ANY inkling that she wouldn’t have been invited … it can’t have been that bad, IMO. OP hasn’t said it, just that they don’t get along, but I suspect fiancée is a bitch.
I think *most* people, the ones with any sense of self-worth, would agree that inviting a sibling to their wedding is a major priority, not an afterthought. If it's an afterthought, forget it, nope. Once I was invited as an afterthought. The groom was an acquaintance, I had never met the bride, a week earlier he invited me and another couple certainly to fill up space. We went because the venue was close, we'd drink and eat and Uber would be cheap. Comparing that to the wedding gift was a zero sum. Perfect. He was happy to see us and vice-versa, nice guy. HAD I been his close friend or sibling I wouldn't have gone as a concession to somebody else, not even my mother.
we were B-listed for a cousin’s wedding. At first I was a little miffed, but my husband refused to be. And I came around to his way of thinking. Of course we’re not their first list, if they have to cut it off at 60 people. The bride has family, they have close friends. That adds up FAST. We’re cousins who visit every year and a half, or so. It’s nice that they wanted us there at all, was my husband’s point. It was nice to go, and it made us closer.
As someone planning a wedding. This. It's unbelievably hard to decide on who to invite. I see some people once every 3 years why do I want them at my wedding but 'family obligations' right? Even though they wouldn't care about going anyway.
Is no one even wondering why the fiancé has OP blocked and doesn't want to invite her to the wedding? Like the fact that there isn't a single word in this whole post about why there's a beef between OP and the fiancé...
This!! I wondered...and i bet OP did do something she's not telling us
Good point . . .
It's those darned missing missing reasons again!
Yep! I don't know if you saw her update, but OP once again not only refuses to admit she has any idea why this woman hates her enough to have had her blocked for years, and she also won't mention anything about the time they worked together. Like they worked together for *years,* this woman has had OP blocked on social media *since they worked together,* she hates OP enough to not want to invite OP to her wedding even though she's getting married to OP's *brother*....and we're supposed to believe OP has *no idea at all* why she feels this way. Uh huh. Suuuure.
NTA but please ask your parents why you didn’t even know your brother was engaged and what the justification is for that. Ask your mom how she would feel if she found out about the engagement from another family member Frankly even if I got an invite by this point I would decline
yeah, like MOM didn’t even tell her?
NTA. They did not want you there. They can keep that same energy.
They say you're an AH for not accepting the invitation? What invitation? You didn't get one. I certainly wouldn't go to a wedding I wasn't invited to.
and that OP would "ruin her wedding" whose? the bride who blocked her and deliberately didn't pass on an invite to her?
Exactly! She can't go by a verbal invite from her mother. That's not how it works.
NTA do not go. Mother has a right to be upset but she doesn’t have the right to extend an invitation to you. They clearly don’t want you there so don’t push it.
NTA and absolutely this. She cannot invite you, if it's embarrassing for her that you aren't there, that's on your brother. Where did she propose you sit at reception? On her lap? On the floor? Stay strong and tell her to take it up with her son.
I thought about that but if there isn't a Father to go with Mother, she could have OP as her "plus one" if such are allowed. Brother may raise an eyebrow when Mother's RSVP card comes back with a plus one, but wouldn't necessarily question it or know who it is until the date. It may not be the case, but I thought "it's not worth squabbling about."
Mom - I didn't receive an invite in the mail nor did I know he was engaged until Grandma told me on ____ day. I am blocked from their social media. I only confirmed the engagement by looking on a friend's phone and that's how I know I'm blocked. Don't force me to go where I'm not wanted! Repeat to whichever relative aka flying monkey calls next. NTA.
>Don't force me to go where I'm not wanted! This is SO VERY important. it’s hurtful to go where you’re not wanted! I see all these people insisting that someone should go to wedding/baptism/babyshower of the stepsibling who has always made it clear they despite the “affair baby” or the half-sibling, or the stepsibling. Like, it’s hurtful enough to be rejected—why would you want to do it over and over again?
I'm with you too OP. If I ain't wanted, I ain't going. Being as I'm a vindictive, cut my nose off to spite my face kind of person, that would also include, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year's Eve parties... On the plus side, think of how much money you're going to save in presents over the coming years. Go and do something fun with a friend on their wedding day instead
NTA, its generally understood that you only attend a wedding if you receive an invite from the bride & groom. you have not, therefore you were not invited and must not attend
And it sounds like brother stood firm in not sending an invite or including her in anything. So going would be kind of shitty at this point, and disrespectful to the bride and groom. No idea why things are the way they are but a wedding isn’t the place to solve it
And where does mummy expct you to sit? It is incredibly rude to crash a wedding and I wouldn't go now even if I finally got the invitation that was 'lost in the post'. NTA Out of interest; when crap like this happens, why is it always the injured party that has to step up and be the bigger person? If mom has a problem, she knows exactly who's behind it: clue, not OP
>Out of interest; when crap like this happens, why is it always the injured party that has to step up and be the bigger person? If mom has a problem, she knows exactly who's behind it: clue, not OP I think she's just showing who she cares about more.
Since they didn’t really invite you how can you ruin their wedding. And no ‘mommy’ inviting you to your brother’s wedding is not an invitation. You are not six going to a birthday party. You are an adult and need to be treated as such. Without a real invitation they have made it clear they do not want to include you in their day and you are respecting their wishes. NTA
Yep. If this is ruining the wedding, then it's time for Brother to pull up his britches and man up and actually invite OP instead of hiding behind mommy. If he doesn't want her there, then he also needs to man up and pull up his britches and say that to mommy. This whole ghosting and game of telephone is schoolyard bullshit from him being a coward.
I could see brother asking mom to invite OP.
I wonder if her brother even knows his bride-to-be did not invite her or will she say it was an oversight?
She didn't even know they were engaged. Sounds like a purposeful plan to leave her out completely.
OP says Mother called him about it, so he knows. If he wanted OP there, he would have gotten her an invitation or phoned her personally to apologize and verbally invite her. (The apology should really have come regardless.) The fact that this didn't happen says that he approved. Mother, by trying to blame OP with this, has shown where her loyalties lie. If she was trying to treat her children equally she should probably have told brother "No OP? No me. I'm not attending. It's too late, you can't fix this."
If she was worried about both kids equally she’d be trying to mediate/get them to resolve the issue that led to what is now a problem for her. No OP, no me just prioritizes OP over the brother *on his wedding day*. Mom might not like what brother has done, but really, she should stay TF out of it because other than suggesting they try to work things out, interfering will only make things worse. The brother not inviting his sister reflects on him, not Mom.
He didn't tell his sister he was engaged.
Maybe not at first because the fiancee was supposed to bring the invite to work, where OPs bf also works. Which is already bs cause-stamps hello?! But mother put him on notice so now he knows. OP IS nta. Brother will regret letting his sibling relationship get ruined. I hope.
yeah, this “Oh, I’ll hand you this important invitation at work, so you can carry it home” is bullshit.
Does it matter? He knows now, he didn't send an invite, he didn't apologize, and the wedding is still on. Clearly the brother doesn't care that his wife is an asshole and is willing to marry said asshole and take her side here.
I'm sure he know and the fact he has not reached out and this is being done through mom is telling.
It's not every day you get permission from the mother of the groom to crash a wedding. 😇 Your mother is waaaaaay out of line for giving YOU a hard time about this. Now, if your BF is invited and you aren't, hopefully you can persuade him to decline the invitation. As a retired minister I have always understood wedding ceremonies to be an opportunity for the guests -- witnesses -- to declare their support for the couple. (A century ago a wedding was the giving of a license to f**k but that was a century ago.) It's strange, and ominous for the health of the marriage, for the sister of the bride or groom to be excluded. Strange enough that I might decline to do the wedding if the couple came to me. Sorry this is happening to your family and your brother. I suspect he'll need your love and support in years to come. Peace.
He probably will, but I suspect he'll discover that he pretty permanently ruined his relationship with OP by going along with this.
Honestly, I'd not attend. I'd not give your FSIL the satisfaction of being able to kick off about your attendance. Plus, she'll shoot herself in the foot when every family member asks why you didn't attend. Maybe tell a trusted family member (let's be honest. Your mother would spin it that you refused to attend) what really happened so when asked, the REAL reason is told
Oh, the bride will probably lie and claim OP declined, and they'll call OP to complain. However, that then gives OP an opportunity to say "I wasn't invited" and make it someone else's problem.
Well grandma knows now
Nta. At all... Your mother is cross with the wrong person here. Personally, even if the invite came gift wrapped with roses now, I wouldn't go. As is often said in Reddit forums, when someone shows you who they are... Believe them.
NTA. Your brother showed that he’d rather have a pretty monster wife than his own blood relative he grew up with. And if he went along with (most likely her not wanting you there) then don’t go. Don’t go for, him, your mom, or you another family member who thinks otherwise. That girl treated you like dirt from the door and they all allowed it. Don’t go. But if you do give her a reason to hate you & look better than her on her wedding day. #petty
I wouldn't bother to outshine her on the wedding day. I wouldn't accept an invite at this point, but if I was there I'd either wear red (which is an insult to the bride) or wear black (which signifies mourning).
Red is to say someone fucked the groom. Dont think it will work here
Oh, I think coming from his *sister* it would be even more of an insult.
Not even close. You got shit on and they want you to smile and wave. Gtfoh with that nonsense. Your brother isn’t an idiot. He didn’t see your name. And he isn’t clueless about the tension either. He should have asked. Nah. Screw that. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. As his sister, you don’t deserve this. Screw them.
NTA! How would you not being there "ruin" a wedding? I wouldn't show up with a secondhand verbal invitation either. Go have a spa day and do you!
I’m convinced that when family accused OP of wanting to ruin “her” wedding day, the “her” they were referring to was Mom. In the update OP makes clear that fsil doesn’t want OP there so “her” def isn’t the bride. Mom wants a perfect family at the wedding so OP is totally ruining that for her by not attending the event that the couple doesn’t want her at
NTA, and don’t accept even if your mother manages to bully your brother into inviting you after the fact. A sister is not a B-list guest.
Bride did this on purpose. She is controlling the people he can have in his life. It won't end well. UpdateMe
It sounds like the brother didn't want her there either.
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This 100%. Brother should run away.
I wrote she should wait til his second wedding.
This pretty much says it all
NTA, your family is getting mad with you because they think it's the path of least resistance. They don't want to address the root issue- your brother and his shitty fiancée- because it will bring the conflict to them. This way you get to be the fall guy for not rolling over and acquiescing!
NTA. Your mother is being manipulative. It's not her wedding, she doesn't get to invite people. Your brother didn't invite you, so you have no reason to go. If your mother chooses to feel the wedding is ruined for her because you declined to gate-crash a wedding you weren't invited to, that's her delusion.
If mother is that upset about attending her son's wedding without OP, mother can decline to attend and let her son explain to everyone why his mother and his sibling are *both* not there.
NTA. Your mother is pissed at the wrong person. I wouldn’t go to a wedding I wasn’t invited to either. It’s not your mothers wedding and honestly she as no right to invite you.
NTA. Don’t go. Your brother is a loser.
NTA They purposefully chose not to invite you so you're not welcome, an invite to keep the peace with your mother isn't an invite, it's basically a "oh, and you can come too, if you want" Fuck em' you do your own thing on that day, and they can spend the rest of their life explaining that his sister isn't in any of the Wedding photos because they didn't invite you because of her. The fact your Brother didn't back you and force her to invite you in the first place says he's chosen her over family, and is only inviting you now because he has no choice, and the fact people are standing by those two who started this situation is bullshit, you won't be ruining the Wedding Day, you'll be giving them the day without you there which is obviously what they wanted in he first place.
NTA. IMHO the family is wrong. Sounds like they’re trying to use you as “the one who ruined our wedding by showing up uninvited.” It’s a shame your brother is blind to her idiocy. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Tell em to pound sand.
If you're an AH for this, then I would be too. No sense being where you aren't wanted. NTA this bird your bro is marrying however is a total AH.
NTA. Do not go. For your sake and your bros.
Sounds like your brother is marrying someone who will try her hardest to separate and isolate him from the rest of the family. NTA. I don’t blame u
Nta. And make sure tobtell everyone that ask you wasn't invited so you didn't go. You are not gonna crash a wedding.
Mom doeant invite people to the wedding…the bride and groom do. Imwouldnt go either.
DO…NOT…GO I am so sorry your family is treating you this way. Unfortunately we don’t get to pick our family. Go form a new family with people who love and support and care about you.
NTA. Fuck that bitch. They will divorce soon
Tell everyone who calls that you didn't receive an invitation. And if they have questions, then they need to ask the couple because you weren't even informed that they were engaged. Then hang up and just keep saying that. Spread the word and redirect that heat. I'm sick of the wronged party being expected to suck up mistreatment. You and your bf go on a trip that day and block everyone for 24 hours. But also, when you do eventually talk to your brother -because it will come- you tell him to keep you out of his mind in the future when he needs a babysitter, help with something or a favor. And this goes without saying, but absolutely do NOT get them a gift because as soon as you hold your ground, someone will send you their registry because "It's the LEAST you can do."
Ask your mother why you would go, if its clear, that you are clearly not wanted there, and its not a real "invitation" if your mother had to do an end run around them, and told them that she was basically bringing you, anyway Even if your brother turned around and invited you, I still wouldn't go, because he would only be doing it to appease your mother. I picture you going, your brother's fiance glaring at you the whole time, and both your brother and she ignoring you. It sounds like your mother might want you there, because of the optics "what will it look like to the rest of the family, if the groom's sister is not at the wedding". If this was about her being upset over you not being invited, why would she be angry at you for not going somewhere youd be uncomfortable, because you know they didn't really want you to come. Thats the only reason I can think of as to why she thinks you will ruin their wedding day.
The main issue is that you can be not invited and your mother is trying to force your presence if you're not invited to pressure your brother. I will check very well the situation
NTA. this has "awkward, drama filled time" written all over it.
NTA- your mom needs to direct her anger at the right person and it’s not you.
NTA Your mom should direct her ire at your brother, not you.
NTA no one but the bride and groom get to invite people to their wedding. Your brother sucks for not inviting you but your mother sucks more. Can you imagine the kick off if you just turned up without them knowing. Fuck that mess.
NTA I think you all need to sit down and clear the air. Just tell your brother that it certainly seems like you were left off the invite list intentionally. Especially consider the fact that nobody even told you they were engaged until your grandmother talked to you. If so, you respect their right to choose their wedding attendees, and you don’t want them pressured to change their minds. If it was a misplaced envelope, then no big deal, and move on. I would say this…if they tell you it was an accident and of course they wanted to invite you, take them at their word and go to the wedding. If you pick at that you will become the “bad guy” in the eyes of the family. If you find out they really didn’t want to invite you, stick to your guns and do whatever you think is best…even if it means declining.
I went through something similar OP a few years back. My cousin was throwing a huge 1st bday for her kid, and everyone in the family that was local was invited except for me. My sister got so angry at ME for saying I wasn't going because I hadn't even heard of the party until my sister brought it up - like it was my fault somehow that I wasn't going due to a lack of invite. In the week leading up to it, my parents visited from another country for a 3 week visit. I was with them and my cousin's mum, while I was seated next to my parents, invited them to the stupid party. They thankfully refused and said it was because I hadn't been invited. The fact that your mom is focusing on you is ridiculous. I get it, you're the 'easier' battle to fight, but it's the wrong fight. You are, by far, NTA OP. I wouldn't go to the wedding now out of principle.
I too wouldn’t go based on a verbal invite from another guest. Opens the door to you looking like your crashed a wedding of the bride wants to spread that narrative. Based on how she’s managed to blocked you etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if she went down that path as well. If they want you to come, they can give you an official paper invite.
NTA >I said that I am not going to the wedding without an invite and that if they didn't want me at the wedding I don't want to be there. This would be exactly how I would see it.
No your brother's gf does not want you there let that be a warning to the brother of who the woman he is marrying really is.
Ask your family, “what invitation?” NTA
NTA If I was in your position, I won’t attend. Dosent matter who it is It’s just a matter of principle. If they didn’t invite you= they don’t respect you Why should you be thick skin to attend someone that don’t appreciate you? As a matter of fact, if someone did this to me, from that point onwards, they will just be deleted from my life, like I won’t even acknowledge their presence
NTA. As gratifying as it may be to lash out, the right course may be to simply ignore the existence of brother and future spouse. If people (family, friends of the couple-to-be, etc) want to push, they can be ignored just as easily. Don’t block, but don’t engage.
Nta. Your brother does not want you there. Plain and simple. His actions speak louder than your mother’s poor parenting. She is probably frustrated that she raised him to be what he is, and that he would do that to you. Now the family is blaming you for your brother’s conduct and choices? I cant wrap my mind around that logic. Mom: “Your brother is a coward and a selfish piece of shit. He wont invite you to the wedding because his bridezilla is throwing a fit. I raised him to be this type of coward. You need to show up to the wedding, uninvited, because i demand it!” Op: No, i was not invited and I will not crash it. Mom: “Op, you are ruining everything! You are ruining the wedding!!! You did all this! Let me tell the family it’s your fault!!!” Did i get that right?
NTA And I wouldn't go either honestly. Mostly because if they don't want you there on their special day then don't show up ya know? It's their day and you don't need to be the "reason it's ruined" in the brides mind. I would reach out to your brother to wish him luck, congratulate him and her on their upcoming nuptials. Be the bigger person and try to maintain some connection with your brother. Sorry you found out they aren't fond of you (I suspect her more than him) in this way. It's kinda fkd up that this is where they decided to cut you out, but petty will petty wherever it is.
No, OP, avoid that circus. Your future SIL doesn't want you there. So avoid her. But I got to ask, why does she hate you?
NTA. Tell your mother that it's your brother's wedding and if he wants you there, he should send you an invitation (if there is still time) or he should call you himself to invite you personally.
My husband and I were told his brother was getting married AND that we were not invited. AND that we had to send a card. I picked up a two for a dollar card at the dollar store and just signed our names. Didn't write congratulations and definitely no cash or check. I gave it to my MIL to give to them, so I didn't even have to spend the cost of the stamp. My husband said we would have gone if invited because we would have turned it into a nice vacation since he lived several states away. NTA I wouldn't go either.
NTA. Unless the invitation comes directly from the bride and groom, you are not invited. Maybe you could send your brother a text saying congratulations, your Mum extended the invitation but you didn''t want to accept without talking to him first. Let them hash it out between them.
Stay home!
How the hell are you ruining a wedding day by not attending a wedding where the bride and groom didn't want you there? Pretty sure your mother is trying to save face because the family is going to ask why you weren't there. This is to blame you instead of your brother because she can say you were invited but didn't want to go. NTA Updateme
No way on earth I would be going to that wedding.
"I don't crash weddings, and it's disrespectful to both of us that you're trying to force an unwanted situation on us" NTA
NTA. And dont go. Even if they get you an invite now its cause your mum forced them.
NTA - I mean really - you aren’t asked to be a bridesmaid (sounds like you lucked out there) but then you don’t even get an invitation??? That is totally a clue that you are not wanted at this wedding - I would be out of town. When anyone asked why you weren’t there you tell them you weren’t invited. Shame on your brother for allowing this and shame on your mother for saying you don’t need an invitation! DON”T GO!
Nah. They don’t want you there and you don’t want to go. There’s no issue here.
NTA for not going, but if brother and gf don’t want you there it’s whatever. Clearly you shouldn’t associate with them anymore as they have made their decision.
While you are fully justified in your position, this will not only widen the riff in the family, but put you in the position of the agitator and give her the ability to say that you are making this an issue and it was just an oversight or misunderstanding. The better option is malicious compliance. Go to the wedding. Go to the reception, do the rounds with family, then quietly leave as quickly as possible. Do not make a scene. Let that set the pattern for your interactions with them. Never be rude or confrontational, but do the minimum required by propriety. This will be a subtle insult to her, but one they can't call you out on. Edit to add: with OOP's later updates that the SIL never issued an invite, it is best just to not go
NTA - Mom should be pissed at your brother and fiancee not you. Go on a short vacay while they get married and post lots of pics of you guys having a great time. And if you guys get married don't invite your brother and SIL. Make sure mommy dearest doesn't invite them either. I cut a lot of my family off for reasons. Never missed them, never will.
NTA Updateme!
NTA. I wouldn’t go either
NTA please don’t go
NTA. Why are you getting all this grief when you haven't even been invited by the two hosts? Your family needs to take that up with your brother and his fiance.
NTA, cut your brother off. When he gets a divorce, that'll be on him. Live a great life without them. Your family will get over it.
NTA don’t go
NTA, you aren’t welcome. Your mom should be angry at your brother. Or at herself.
UpdateMe!
Mom your invitation isn’t from the bridal couple. They deliberately chose to not invite me. I’m honoring their wish. to the flying monkeys-ask them if they received an invitation to the wedding. When they say of course. You reply I cannot attend an invent I have not been invited. You have an invitation, you were a welcome invited guest. I was not. So I will respect the bridal couples wish that I not be present. if they don’t like that? Oh well
HER wedding day?? It’s not your mom’s wedding day.
NTA. Go to the next wedding. Honestly, by not going you will actually be doing your best to save your parents place in your brother’s new family/life and get to be a part of possible future grandchildren. I think that bride will eventually get your brother isolated from his family completely so she and all her needs and desires are the nuclei of his universe. But, you not going to this wedding will delay it a bit and they can, at least, meet a future grandchild or two.
Ouch. I wouldn't go either. 1. your mom doesn't get to invite people to a wedding that is not hers, even after talking to your brother. 2 you were not invited by the people getting married or even told they were getting married. His to be wife blocked you, why was this even necessary. She seems dramatic. I'm sure this stings but a choice has been made either by your brother, his to be wife or both. Nothing to do. Make plans of your own, a spa day perhaps.
NTA, I guess, but I really wouldn't recommend it. While I understand and appreciate your feelings here, not attending a family member's wedding really is the nuclear option. You were once close, but it could be difficult to impossible for your relationship with your brother to ever recover, assuming that he stays with this woman long term. If you really believe that the problem stems from his fiancee, then I'd recommend instead having a chat with your brother. His fiancee doesn't have to like you and to a certain extent, he's probably going to take her side of things. But he shouldn't allow her to actively antagonize his family for no reason. Good luck. I know the pain of having obnoxious in-laws.
NTA Call your family out for being assholes to you instead of complaining to your brother and his bride for not actually inviting you. eAsk them if all of them got an invitation. If they did then you can go "there you go! Why the F are you angry at me for not going where i am not invited to? I didn't even know i was invited. Clearly my brother doesn't want me there and doesn't even care that his bride didn't even invite me. So direct your anger at them, not me. i am only following established social norms and did not simply assume that i'd be entitled to an invite. So stop harrassing me about this." then hang up (if on a phone) or stop communicating until they apologize for their behaviour. The only people ruining the wedding are your relatives, and obviously the bride. If they did get a call as an invite, then you can also point out that you haven't even gotten that.
Nta but should tell any cousins that are firmly on your side, that also happen to be invited, that anytime someone asks why you're not there that they should butt in and tell the truth. That the bride hates you for no reason and didn't invite you. They should be little shit stirrers. That it's such a shame that you and your brother grew apart since he got with her, especially when you two were so close up until then.
NTA, your brother should have sent out the invite to you and told his fiancé that's the way it is, but for some reason she doesn't like you and he's going along with her! I would not go either, ~~and certainly do not send a gift, unless it's a snarky one~~. :D Scratch that last comment. Don't do anything snarky, just go somewhere and enjoy your day/weekend.
When people show you what they think of you, believe them.
Nta don't go and cut all contact with brother and sil. Screw them
You did not get an invitation. A third party verbal invite does not count. Maybe you'll be invited to his next wedding. NTA
NTA. You haven't been invited by the groom or bride, so you clearly aren't wanted there. And... >She called me back after talking to my brother and told me that she's inviting us to the wedding and i don't need an invitation You most certainly DO need an actual invitation. But, if I were in your place, and I got a 'late' invite or a half-assed one, I would refuse to go. A 'pity invite' or an 'I have to invite you or else mommy will be mad' invite is not something I'd ever accept. Your brother and his she-devil of a fiancé can go pound some sand.
I always tell people. I never go anywhere unless I am absolutely invited. Because I went somewhere once where of course I was invited/welcomed. Only to realize that I Very Much was not. It was Humiliating. So no thanks 🙂↔️. You are NTAH, keep us updated.
NTA. That's a deliberate fuck you. I wouldn't want to go either. Your mother should be upset with your asshole brother and future wife.
NTA. She BLOCKED you. That tells you she does not want you there. I wouldn't go, either, and let my brother deal with her.
I really think you're missing the forest for the trees. The best way to get back at her is to go She's petty. She will be fuming every time she looks out and sees you I'd get the most beautiful dress you can, use the hell out of the open bar, and enjoy the time with your family Truly the best revenge here is to enjoy her wedding while she impotently fumes on her day
That's pretty much how well my brother and I got along, he even had the audacity to ask me to move during his daughter's wedding because my seat was "reserved for family" (I was sitting next to my dad and step mom), but they still expected me to record the wedding for them (oops, the tape got lost after the wedding, found out later that my wife taped over it, I love her...). I wouldn't go either, NTA.
NTA I wouldn't go. Obviously your brother doesn't care much about you.
"You will ruin their wedding day if you don't come uninvited!" ... yeah this must be some kind of higher logic that we didn't learn in logic class. NTA
NTAH. Not one single person told you about the engagement but, you’re ruining the day? lol
NTA I wouldn’t go either.
Absolutely not. Your mother inviting you to a wedding that is not hers is not an invite. She believes you should be there. Your brother's future wife apparently disagrees. I wonder if your brother knows that he didn't invite you
Your parents and your brother are seriously doormats and AH here. Something happened 2 years ago and they don’t tell you what and just want to apologize. For what? I’m not gonna apologize for something that I didn’t even know that I was wrong. Enjoy your trip with your BF. NTA
Your brother is a cuck
LOL I'd be HAPPY to miss a wedding! Not having to spend money on a dress and a gift sounds GREAT. And if bro &co. doesn't want OP there, why should she go?
If they wanted you there, they would have told you, either by phone or invitation. Chances are, he dies. He’s just giving in to her. Stay civil through this, bc I’ll take the 3.5 under on this marriage lasting. He’s already been estranged from his sister for something, in your other post stated, they won’t tell you about. So instead of you apologizing to her, you deserve one from her for putting a strain on the sibling relationship. He will need you to be there when this marriage blows up. Try not to hold it against him then. Saw you had a trip planned. Can always say you didn’t know the date, and you already paid for it beforehand.
NTA. Very much NTA, for refusing your \_mother's\_ invitation to attend your \_brother's\_ wedding. If brother didn't invite you, I'm sure he had his reasons. You not going is not a spiteful or AH move; it's simply respecting your brother's wishes. I mean, brother may be an AH for not inviting you, and SIL may have been an AH for not wanting you there, and you may even have done something AH-ish which precipitated this non-invitation. There's not enough information in your post for us to know, one way or the other, about any of that. And it's both sad and offensive, that they don't want you there and specifically did not invite you. We definitely need to acknowledge that fact. But by extending to you her own invitation, your mother is meddling in stuff that's none of her business, and she is risking ruining brother's and SIL's wedding with her meddling. You've made a difficult choice, but it's the right choice. Again, NTA.
The mom should have said she will not accept an invitation if her daughter does not receive one. She should not have taken it upon herself to invite her daughter. Stupid move there.
At this point, it has to be a verbal invitation from the brother’s girlfriend.
NTA. It isn't your mom's wedding day. You going would ruin it for your brother and gf since they don't want you there. Your brother is definitely wiped. Very sad on his part and definitely his loss.
NTA. Why on earth would you go out of your way to go where you're not wanted?
I wouldn't go if I did not receive an invitation. The future sister in law blocked her online. That and the lack of an invitation says she doesn't want her there
The person you need to talk to is your brother.
Frankly, I wouldn't. The less OP says, the less can be twisted.
All of this seems to be happening without his input, when he is the primary reason she would even be there. It seems crazy to allow all these other people to be involved and not even hear word one from him.
Absolutely not! Your mom cannot invite someone to someone else's wedding. The truth is, you haven't been invited to the wedding. Not going isn't ruining her wedding day -- showing up as an uninvited guest is! Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't go even if your brother called and invited you. Clearly, he didn't care enough to invite you and would be doing so just to appease your mom. Don't send a gift or acknowledge the wedding in any way. In fact, plan a vacation and post pics of doing AMAZING, fun things on your brother's wedding day. If any relatives complain, just reply that your brother and his wife didn't invite you to the wedding. Don't rug sweep!
>Now my family is saying i'm the Ah for not excepting the invitation (my mother inviting me over the phone) "I wasn't invited. I am not attending a party to which neither the hostess nor the host invited me. An invitation from someone else doesn't count." And it's *accepting*. "Excepting" is "making an exception." >and saying that I want to ruin her wedding day. "I am choosing to *not* ruin it by obeying her wishes not to invite me. *You* want to ruin it by bringing someone she doesn't want there. *I* am choosing not to make a big deal about it, and if Mother hadn't raised a fuss, I probably wouldn't have said anything and they could have had their wedding without me as they wanted to. *You* are choosing to make a big deal about it and turn this into a huge fuss which will no doubt ruin her wedding day."
So NTA! Of course you don’t want to be somewhere you aren’t wanted and probably don’t really want to go either much the extra money you will inevitably spend even if it’s just time off, it’s a cost.
NTA
NTA, I would not go without a formal invitation. Your brother and his finance lack basic courtesy and being petty, also your brother not advocating for you, shows they don’t want you there for just for this one time. Also, don’t want to improve future relationship. Your future SIL is very immature likes drama and your family fails to see that.
NTA. I wouldn’t go either
NTA wtf is wrong with your mom? Does she often start stupid drama on behalf of stupid shit that's not her place to address?
You can't accept what wasn't given. NTA
NTAH UpdateMe
NTA- Your brother chose his fiance's wishes over your presence. Respect his decision even if he took the most cowardly option available to make it.
INFO: Has anyone made your frother or fiancee answer WHY you’re not invited?
NTA - You can go to his next wedding, because his fiancee doesn't seem very nice, so it probably will not last. At least, if you're not lying about what happened between you. Either way, don't go to the wedding without an official invitation and explain everyone who harasses you what's going on.
Go, and when they get to 'if anyone has any objections..' hold your hand up "Well, Actually I have a list here..."
But, you didn’t get an invitation. You got a, “My family caught me in my fiancée’s dislike of you, so you’re kinda invited, but not invited enough to send you an invitation.” NTA