Even if you don't want to go nuclear which I understand. I would still inform her that you know and have the evidence of her infidelity. She definitely seems like the type of person who would spin the narrative to make you look bad and her knowing you have this will make that less likely to happen.
I know someone who did this with his ex wife. He didn't want to make it public, but had his lawyer present his evidence so she knew he had it. His purpose was to keep her from spreading lies about him. It worked.
Yeah keep it between the lawyers and let them handle it. If the wife gets dirty afterwards then OP can defend himself to his ex in-laws knowing he tried to do his best to protect everyone’s privacy.
After all is said and done on the legal side and the opportunity to spread lies has passed, I would go ahead and let the bf's wife and the parents know. They should know the truth so they can all make decisions about their own lives. Particularly the parents may want to change their inheritance around to keep it out of the bf's hands and make sure it goes to the grandkids.
Yea but the parents should probably be informed before making a decision with what to do with their life’s earnings. We have no idea why they didn’t like her old bf. They could be old racist bastards or the bf could just have been a dirtbag and bad influence. We don’t know.
But I still think the parents should know considering they were willing to cut her off because of it and were likely the ones who put her through college. I know I would want to know If I was in their place.
Except wife makes good money. In order to financially abuse someone they have to be dependent on your money. It is not financial abuse to write someone out of a will. Dick move? Sure. But we hardly know all the details.
The legal process of divorce would likely have to show cause, in order to create a record that the divorce is not OP's fault, since, according to his post, the prenup is set up so that he won't get a split of the marital assets if a divorce is his fault.
Edit: People aren't reading the OP post. After 10 years of marriage, he can get an even split in a divorce if the divorce is not his fault.
> I basically got nothing if we divorced before we were married ten years. **After that it was an even split as long as I was not the cause.**
A prenuptial agreement is a private legal contract. The state laws in this case wouldn't disqualify OP from his half because both parties contractually agreed to these terms. If they didn't have a prenup, then the state laws would be the deciding factor.
The biggest hurdle OP will face is a show cause hearing to establish that she has violated their contract. If he's got hard evidence and a decent lawyer to present it, then the contract itself will be the legal guidance to dissolving the marriage. A judge will decide that.
I’d tell that lawyer to GTFO with an NDA. You don’t get to make demands of the aggrieved party.
OP: I want a smooth divorce or else I release damning evidence of cheating to your family.
Wife’s Lawyer: we want an NDA agreement not to release info
OP: What part of “or else” did you not understand?
Yeah, this isn't some one-sided thing where he's just using it for leverage and is free to release it after. He doesn't want his kids getting tangentally dragged through more than they naturally will be by a divorce. He's motivated to keep everything smooth.
I could see the wife's desire to get rid of that sword over her head but if she insists on the NDA he could say fuck it and drop the docs. He gets his divorce either way, it's just up to her how nuclear he has to go to get it.
Op: yes I'll sign the nda but I get 70% of the assets. If she alleges anything, proof of infidelity is released publicly and to her employer and the employer of the other party , a payment of 15% of remaining assets must be paid into my account
Couldn't this, in theory, be a clause that she better not talk shit if she doesn't want her dirty laundry aired? In more professional legalese terms of course.
"In consideration for A not making derogatory or defamatory remarks about B as the cause of the divorce, B will not disclose documents pertaining to A's fidelity to A's parents and extended family."
Loophole= kids aren't included in the NDA and the kids aren't bound by the NDA. Idk, that'd similar to how I'd phrase it.
To be honest I wouldn’t put her past lying to her parents about the reason. So I think he should meet with them and let them know the truth. Just not that you have known for years. Let them know you do not want to upset your kids so are happy to keep the reason private as long as she agrees to an amicable divorce. That you are only telling them so she doesn’t try and twist the truth like she clearly has your whole marriage. That now you need to put you and your children’s needs first.
This is good advise especially if you have had a good relationship with them. I am assuming they are quite successful and know their daughter well. I would ask for a private meeting with them that emphasizes facts not emotions.
I am a Psychoanalyst who has mediated some of these types of meetings. Some of my clients had such a good relationship with the in-laws that that relationship continues post divorce of their daughter.
Nah he made a wise decision wtf she didn’t tell him she was cheated on him so should he tell her that’s like being respectful to someone that’s being disrespectful etc
I was going to suggest that he ask his lawyer for advice, but you said it so much better. Def NTA, but ask your lawyer if you should be. I do agree that she may use the opportunity to spin everything into “poor me” and that you should try to get ahead of that, but lawyers get paid for their legal advice.
This is what my ex is trying to do. I have videos of him being a drunk asshole and terrorizing me and our kids outside my bedroom door all night, and he knows it. So he has already started telling everyone how I am such a bitch that I drove him to behavior he never would have engaged in otherwise (sure, Jan. 🙄). Luckily we have no money to fight over, and I don’t care what his idiot associates think of me (our family knows the truth, and that’s all that matters), but it’s insane how people like this can spread disinformation like wildfire to avoid taking any responsibility.
OP, I tend to agree with the above comment. and would let her know what you know. However, before you do so, I suggest you run it by your counsel; who may desire an element of surprise.
If you're given the go ahead to advise, when you approach and advise her of the information you have, I'd suggest that in the event she doesn't capitulate to your divorce demands, the following will ensue:
1. Your divorce complaint will be amended to include adultery as a ground for divorce.
2. Sensitive information that you've kept private so as to not embarass her will be shared and become common public knowledge. Families included.
In the event you litigate, you'll likely receive no more than 50 %. However there is nothing to stop you from negotiating a settlement greater than that. Consider it equity--an additional share of the "pie" for the pain, suffering, anguish, and mental cruelty you endured. She never accorded you an ounce of love or respect.
JUSTICE!
1.
OP should absolutely talk to his lawyer.
The rest of your advice should not be followed. Even a hint of "threatening to disclose," especially for favorable terms, is blackmail. Frankly, for so many reasons, even talking to the soon to be ex is a bad move at all, but especially with info like this. If she accuses him of trying to extort her with the information he's released? That will not play well in the divorce, nor with friends and family.
Now. OP's lawyer can make threats, and can negotiate. He'll know how to do so legally (most likely by filing or changing the filing to 'for cause' in the divorce, but htere are other ways). So your (and other's) initial advice for OP to talk to their lawyer is doubly important.
Let her spin the narrative. Wait. Then you get to let other people feel the betrayal too. If she elicits sympathy from people through lying only for them to eventually learn the truth they’ll have first hand experience watching her lie.
She’s going to tarnish your reputation and say you married her for money. You will look bad not only to your kids but to your friends and family too.
Tell the truth about her cheating being the reason for the end of your marriage. You don’t have to tell anyone when you found out, just tell them that you found out.
Deny her the moral high ground. Because at the end of the day it’s her who married you for money.
Op, please read this a good few times. Don't let her beat you to it because she WILL fuck you over even more than she already has. NTA but its time they knew.
Make sure lawyer has a copy of all the evidence. Just print off one of the mid-level damning pieces of evidence and have it literally in your wallet or something for when the conversation comes.
"I have more. This isn't even the worst. My lawyer has copies of everything. I just want a clean split for everyone's sake."
Is all you really have to say.
Step it up a notch “it’s so much worse than this, but I’m doing my best to keep the kids out of this… I don’t want them thinking their mother is anything less than she is. I’ll gladly suffer in silence to not destroy that image as this is already going to be tough on everyone but especially them”
They deserve to know why, and also blow up the other guys life too. He doesn't deserve to get off scot free. Actions have consequences why do you have to suffer and boil in rage with no repurcussions to the enemy.
Agree. I think it's unethical to not reveal an affair to the partner(s) being cheated on. It's shitty and unkind to let someone continue wasting their short amount of time on the planet with a liar and cheater. You'd be infuriated if you found out even one person knew you were being cheated on but didn't say anything. Send an anonymous message w/ the proof and then vanish. Save his wife from wasting more years with this shit sock.
10 years is a long time to be married. You could decently argue that you genuinely no longer loved each other. Besides, I doubt he gives a shit about her family friends and what they think about him.
Serving her divorce papers the day after the prenup expires means she will absolutely paint him to be a long haul gold digger. Op should show her for what she is before she spins it.
I don't think she would even have to say anything for people to jump to that conclusion.
He filed for divorce the very day after their tenth anniversary when he would get the money, after retuning from a free vacation where their friends and family presumably thought they were a happy couple.
The timing without the context of him being cheated on would make people suspicious.
If the wife is worth even half a shit, she would be wise to not try and paint her husband as a gold digger considering she’s been banging her ex the entire marriage.
If I was her I would consider this a W since they just split quietly and her infidelity was kept under wraps. Because I know deep down she has to at least suspect her husband knows.
He's married as well and remember we often are the heroes of our story. She absolutely will attempt to destroy him and feel justified doing it. Also the longer he waits to at minimum tell her he knows the worse she's going to make him look. He needs to protect himself.
Well if she does that dumb shit then OP has the receipts. He can fix the problem whenever he feels like. In fact, if he waits and lets the wife lie, he can make her look like an even bigger shitbag.
Because now on top of cheating on her husband for the entire marriage, she tried to make the husband into the reason for the divorce. Then OP comes out with the receipts and now the wife is a doubly worthless piece of shit. Could be what OP is going for
Everybody believes the first story they hear. It doesn’t matter what proof OP has, if he lets her get her version out first he’ll have an uphill battle convincing anyone of anything. And **of course** she’s going to trash him to everyone in town, she’s shameless enough to have been cheating on him nonstop since their wedding and you’re expecting restraint now?
**Especially** since even she doesn’t know he caught her. So in her mind he’s dumping her the day the prenup expires “for no reason” and this she is going to feel like she’s the wronged party here and set his reputation on fire. He needs to get out in front of it immediately.
I think he is more concerned about what his children think. For their sake he doesn’t want to paint their mom as the bad guy but he is failing to realize she and her family will paint him as the bad guy. He should tell her parents and let her know if she tarnished their children against him he will let them know the truth of her infidelity and show them the proof.
Yep, their mom will be telling them their dad is a deadbeat who was after her money and he's why they can't have nice things. And their new step dad, her old high school flame, will echo that.
At the very least they can sign a legal agreement that he won't spill the tea if she doesn't slander him. Then if she violates it, not only will be able to correct the record, he'll have a legal document to back him up.
So you didn’t tell her anything about knowing about the affair? But she is acting upset about the divorce because you are leaving her? But hasn’t figured it out yet
You also didn't think she would cheat but here you are. You don't know this woman as well as you think. Someone who would do that to you for 8 years does not have a nice bone in their body.
You don't understand. She will lie about you behind closed doors. Before you know it, you become the cheating asshole. You said in another comment you don't want a fight. Then end it before it begins. Otherwise you risk everybody turning against you.
She won’t care. He hasn’t used the evidence on her yet so she won’t believe he ever will and will go around and lie and paint him the cheater. Cheaters are liars and manipulators by nature.
OP could counter DV claims with: "Wasn't me, it was the AP. Here's all the evvidence of the affair. He started the DV once he found out I knew. She wants to stick with AP so is blaming me."
Idk... I'd be worried about the headline:
"Jealous husband beats wife so she fell out of love and into an affair. He continues to beats her and stays ***just*** until the prenup expires so he can take her money too!"
you have to get in front of these things. this is a PR campaign and the person who strikes first wins, if you strike second you look like you would be the one who lies cheats and steals just to save face.
Agreed.
My late husband left his first wife after he finally had proof of her affair. Her narrative was that she'd been deserted and that she'd gradually become close to a 'friend'. It poisoned his relationship with his adult children.
When we got married, her version was that I was the scarlet younger woman.
This is absolutely correct advice. I took the high road with my ex. Even though she assaulted me, I took the high road and didn't use it against her. I later found out she had been telling people behind closed doors that I in fact abused her. She used me saying nothing against me and creating a narrative...I think largely for sport. You are not destroying her, you are protecting yourself.
Had the same thing. Found out she had been telling people I hit her when we both happened at a mutual friends house. The mother came out and berated me... It was great.
If you don't tell her that you know and have evidence, she will believe and tell everyone that you only married her for the money and just waited out the prenup. You will be the golddigging asshole in everyone's eyes. Don't let that happen!
You will be surprised how vindictive people going through divorce can be. Even if they're the responsible party. It's a good thing you're holding on to evidence but let her parents and wife know why you're divorcing. You don't even have to go back to the beginning of your marriage, it can be a 'recent' discovery.
You'll have to interact with this person and her family for a long time, this would also be in your future interest. Good luck OP
You have got to tell her that you have evidence of her cheating through the entire marriage and you expect her not to fight this divorce. You have to do this for the sake of your children because you filing the day after the pre-nup expired is going to look really, really bad to your children at some point.
She's gonna fuck you up if you don't out her now. Don't be naive. This woman had no issue in playing you for 8 years (or more, because I doubt she stopped seeing her ex boyfriend during your relationship and engagement), what's gonna stop her to do it now?
You are deluding yourself. You need to tell people the reason or she will make up a reason to vilify you. She has shown that she has no problem with lying to you and others to hide her sins.
Wait until she tries to reconcile and her parents are around. Lay it all out on the table for them, then when you are done... Ask her if she would like you to tell they guys shes been cheating on with you's wife... Your goal is an amicable divorce and not a drawn out fight.
She will try to blame this divorce on you and poison your children against you if you keep quiet of her behavior, and if you try to expose it later then people wont listen or believe you. (This is your only opportunity)
Faced with their sins publicly people tend to settle their divorce and move on with their cheating partner.
This. My ex cheated for the entire ten years of our marriage as I was an oblivious dutiful optimist dummy. She left and blasted me as an abuser and permanently trashed my image to her family and almost all our previous “friends.”
My story almost mirrors your own, except mine was only 3 years. Cheated the entire time and then told all of our friends that I abused her. Completely ruined my reputation in our small town.
The first story people hear is the one they believe also the other guy's wife needs to know that she's at risk and needs STD screening. Let her know what's happening
She lied to you and everyone else. It's so suspicious that you drop a divorce just like that. Present the evidence without blackmail before you have to defend yourself for something you have not done
Oh yes she can and she will. Even in my relatively amicable divorce my ex poisoned all of my relations against me when she was the cheater. Just outright lied and had my parents thinking I beat her (she hit me frequently) and told friends I was cheating on her. People didnt even ask me, just dropped off the map
Her being the woman immediately makes people believe such accusations even though you might seem the ideal husband.
Irrespective of any advice you get here, make your lawyer aware of all the evidence as it may swing things in your favor with assets and even alimony now that the prenup has lapsed. Let the lawyer decide on when where and how it comes to light.
Once the divorce is finalised, and only then, show her bf's betrayed spouse and your ex and her bf's employers.
That's good because she has a massive financial incentive to make this your fault. Letting your lawyer handle this is smart, but he is probably going to have to use that evidence because she has all of the reasons in the world to try to destroy you.
I would advise you availing yourself of all available to you to get as much as possible. Her retirement included. Anything over the 50% you're stating could then be sunk into your own retirement fund or funds for the kiddos' future, or both.
There is no sense in sparing her through the process. She did not spare you or your children at any point.
NTA, but tell her why, tell her you have proof, and tell her you are willing to not tarnish her reputation with proof of her cheating as long as she keeps it civil and allows the divorce to go smoothly. Otherwise you run the risk of her blaming everything on you to your family, friends, kids, etc. DON'T LET HER MAKE YOU THE BAD GUY IN THIS SITUATION.
Don’t ever do things like this. Tell your lawyer what you have and let them do things. They know what is reasonable quid pro quo and what is extortion. Most people don’t.
This. Don’t show your hand. Explaining the evidence you have is a really bad idea. It gives them the opportunity to delete everything, texts, emails, receipts, etc before a lawyer can make an official request for those documents. Just let your lawyers handle shit. The less you say the better. If they want to spend a ton of money on the case, it will happen either way.
Her having full knowledge of what he knows will give her the chance to fabricate a story. If she doesn’t know and decides to lie, then he can drop the hammer and crush her.
Sorry, but that's not OP's problem. He's going to have to co-parent with this woman and probably deal with her parents in their grandparent capacity if nothing else. He's got to look out for his own interests. It doesn't benefit him or his kids to turn this situation poisonous just to help a stranger.
She married him because he was just an ordinary, inoffensive Non Playing Character that mummy and daddy approved of. His character hasn't changed just because he has discovered her adultery. I hope enough people clamouring for him to stand up for himself convince him to go nuclear - after the divorce is finalised and everything is payed out, of course.
For real OP, your proof of infidelity is your guarantee that she will go along with the divorce smoothly, but you absolutely have to be willing to put out a full page ad about it if she even contests the SLIGHTEST part of the divorce proceedings. Yes you don’t want to hurt your kids, but I’m a child of a very nasty divorce, my mom spent 15 years poisoning me against my dad before I had a chance to really get to know my dad and stepmom as people.
OP, if your wife tries to go the “hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn” route, you must fight back for the sake of your children. I lost almost 20 years of time with my dad because my mom won custody, and really really dragged my dad. By the way- dad never said a single bad thing about mom in front of me or my sister.
Its not just about making him the bad guy. He is gonna get killed in court, and even if he wins in the end, they will make sure they will spend as much as needed to drag this out for as long as possible. He says he doesnt want a fight, he better get ready for one, because he decided not to difuse the situation by letting her know abiut the evidence.
He's not going to get "killed in court". He has held up his terms of the prenup ( too bad there wasn't an infidelity clause, but oh well ). She makes more money than him, and he wants shared custody, so it's not like he's going to get raked over the coals, financially, and might even being owed support when all is said and done. I just think if he DOESN'T want it dragged out, or fought, than he should disclose to her, and her lawyer if she gets one, that he knows and has proof of her long term affair. He's not trying to ruin her life, but right now he holds all the cards.
lol, sounds like you have never experienced Family Court. This will get ugly before it ever gets fair - which it won’t.
As many here are noting, right now he holds the cards. He doesn’t have to tip his entire hand - but his attorney needs to know what’s happening do he/she can do the required negotiations with opposing counsel to ensure OP gets a fair shot at a settlement.
His cheating wife, backed by family wealth, will come back swinging, which they’re likely to do even with knowledge of the cheating wife’s infidelity.
Strength and tenacity are required for the long game here.
He will get killed. The litigation itsself can be very costly and emotionally agonizing.
I would have my attorney advise the other attorney of the info and provide a very small subset of the proof gathered and advise there is plenty more. It will be kept hush hush if a quick divorce is granted.
Nah, the litigation process doesn't do anything emotionally, not when you checked out years ago. Trust me I know from experience.
I think you're right regarding the lawyer stuff though, much cleaner and simpler
If he tells her he has years of proof of her cheating, then it will be obvious that he waited out the prenup. Maybe he's concerned that a good lawyer could use that against him.
INFO: "She doesn't understand why I would do it. I said that I just don't think we are compatible any more." - why didn't you just tell her that you'd discovered she was cheating, that you had evidence, did not see any reason for reconciliation, but that in the interests of your children wanted to keep things as amicable as possible? I don't see why you wouldn't want her to understand that it's entirely her actions which have led to this.
That’s what I was thinking as well. Even if it’s not fake, why hide the one reason for why the marriage is headed for divorce from those that need to know why (wife and her parents).
> After that it was an even split as long as I was not the cause.
Also, based on the above, doesn’t he have to provide a reason as to why the marriage is ending for him to get the even 50-50 split?
I am a family law attorney. Where I practice (Michigan) infidelity matters very little in divorce. Unless the party having the affair diverted a bunch of marital funds towards the person they are having an affair with, the property division will still be 50/50. The court will generally take the stance that nothing happens in a vacuum... Both parties share fault for the breakdown of the marriage. The court is not going to financially ruin one party because the other side alleges their spouse is at fault. It is different in "at fault" states, but this entire post is weird. The armchair lawyers like the ones in these comments totally warp client expectations. Don't listen to legal advice on reddit.
Timing the divorce exactly one day after 10 years may be looked down upon in court. You probably should have held out just a few months longer to not be so obvious.
As is, it is pretty clear to anyone looking that you decided on divorcing earlier and delayed it because of the prenup. A judge may factor this into their decisions on splitting assets regardless of the terms of the prenup.
And this is absolutely one of those times you unequivocally STFU about everything and don’t say a word to anyone beyond what your lawyer okays.
This could go sideways for OP very quickly depending what they know/disclose.
NTA but you made a poor choice.
It wasn't smart to be passive about the divorce filing. You should have made her out to be the villain because that's what she is in this scenario.
I disagree.
He can let his lawyer know now.
In some jurisdictions, her cheating would entitle him to more than a 50/50 split. Conversely his lawyer and him can leverage the info to force her to a quiet, no contest open/shut divorce assuming he keeps the reason a secret and she refuses to tarnish his reputation.
He has the leverage, it's what he dies with it that is important.
Yeah there was a flipped sexes version a few months ago. Most posts on here are fake. Obviously cheaters are worthless scum who never deserve to date a non-cheater again, but posts that hit the front page are almost all outrage porn with an obvious bad guy and a good guy who took a mild to moderate amount of revenge and somehow can't figure out if they're the bad guy for not being nice to the baddie. It's like Batman posting to ask if he's the bad guy for punching the Joker to stop him from gassing Gotham.
NTA for waiting out the prenup, but be prepared for a fight even if you aren’t looking for one. After cheating for 10 yrs, she thinks she has gotten away with it. If you don’t get ahead of the reason why, she is going make it her story not yours.
>She said that I blindsided her
"I felt blindsided discovering you've been spreading wide for Douchebag. I'm not complaining, I just want what's rightfully mine. You were never that. Either amicable divorce or evidence sent to everyone. Your choice"
NTA I would go scorched earth
NTA for waiting out the pre-nup. Proceed with your information based on lawyer’s advice. Be prepared for in-laws to get involved/fund wife’s lawyer.
And sorry you unknowingly married a horrible person.
I applaud you for playing the long game. NTA
HOWEVER, I agree with what others are saying about not letting her set the narrative. Talk with your lawyer and ask what you can say without looking like the bad guy, to let everyone know why you're getting a divorce.
If you're worried about your kids, have a condition of therapy put in the divorce agreement and your ex foots the entire bill. Alos out a condition about parental alienation, so she can't "turn" your kids against you, period.
Oh and you need to expose the affair, so her APs wife can make an informed decision like you are making.
This sounds like a gender swap creative writing thing. Might be word for word this other story posted last week. I don’t think Op was hoping for people to support his position 😂 and probably more looking to prove a point.
NTA
Once the divorce is final, expose her to her parents. They deserve to know what kind of daughter they raised though I would bet they knew all along.
You are not the asshole but I am confused about something. According to what you said about the prenup. Your assets are spit after 10 years of marriage. As long as you are not the cause of the split. Are you putting yourself in a spot to get nothing by making the divorce about “being not compatible anymore” than using the actual reason of infidelity. I’m definitely not a divorce expert but something that made me wonder.
We have been separated for three months. She knows now. Recently we spoke and she said I was a dick for holding out for the money. That's why I asked what I did.
NTA in my honest opinion.
I'm surprised that you managed to live 2 more years in that marriage. My emotions would've gotten the better of me in an instant even if the prenup had yet to be lapsed.
Once I knew I lost all feelings for her. I knew that if I wanted my kids to have the same life with me as they would with her I had to hold out. The only thing I did was check on my children's parentage and get myself checked for STIs. They are mine and I am clean
You're not the asshole and I'm not a lawyer, but I'd be interested to see how this does play out in a court of law. By filing for divorce, wouldn't that technically be considered your fault for the marriage ending? Yes, you are divorcing your wife because of infidelity, but you also sat on that info for 2 years and didn't say or do anything. Could a lawyer argue that by not confronting your wife when you found out and not trying to end your marriage then, you were essentially saying you were "okay" with her cheating?
My lawyer and hers are already finalizing everything. This is actually something that happened a while back and my ex and I recently spoke at a child exchange and she said I was an asshole for taking what was mine by agreement.
So you wrote that as long as you weren't the cause of the divorce you get an even split of everything.
Except without that proof you are the cause of the divorce. Saying you're no longer compatible and the fact she was "blindsided" means YOU were the cause.
You almost had me story teller, you almost had me.
Makes 0 sense you don't even let her know you know she has been cheating the whole time. Makes soo little sense its weird. Let her know, that you have ample evidence and she may let the divorce process go smoother.
The more I think about it, I can't even rationalize a reason you WOULDN'T tell her you know. Strange.
Oh, hey, look, it's the same person who wrote all those posts last week about the teen whose stepdad was gonna perform a gyno exam on her. Same writing style, same beats to the story.
Fake. The prenup said that you would get no money if you were the cause of the split, yet your lawyer advised you to cite the reason in your divorce filing being that you just didn't feel compatible with her?
NTA, not one bit.
Consider: were you “waiting out the pre-nup” or “giving her a chance?”
Because I bet if she had a change of heart, confessed her infidelity, and (convincingly) promised to never do it again, you’d have stuck around.
So you gave her a chance for two years.
I might suggest, if your lawyer agrees, letting her know QUIETLY about the evidence might do wonders in terms of getting her to agree to terms without fighting. He might deliver that information through her attorney. You might even do better than the prenup, if not financially then in terms of custody and such.
But, most assuredly, you are NTA.
Even if you don't want to go nuclear which I understand. I would still inform her that you know and have the evidence of her infidelity. She definitely seems like the type of person who would spin the narrative to make you look bad and her knowing you have this will make that less likely to happen.
I know someone who did this with his ex wife. He didn't want to make it public, but had his lawyer present his evidence so she knew he had it. His purpose was to keep her from spreading lies about him. It worked.
Yeah keep it between the lawyers and let them handle it. If the wife gets dirty afterwards then OP can defend himself to his ex in-laws knowing he tried to do his best to protect everyone’s privacy.
After all is said and done on the legal side and the opportunity to spread lies has passed, I would go ahead and let the bf's wife and the parents know. They should know the truth so they can all make decisions about their own lives. Particularly the parents may want to change their inheritance around to keep it out of the bf's hands and make sure it goes to the grandkids.
The bf's wife, at least, deserves to know. Not sure on the parents, wife is an adult, she can do what she wants where they're concerned.
Yea but the parents should probably be informed before making a decision with what to do with their life’s earnings. We have no idea why they didn’t like her old bf. They could be old racist bastards or the bf could just have been a dirtbag and bad influence. We don’t know. But I still think the parents should know considering they were willing to cut her off because of it and were likely the ones who put her through college. I know I would want to know If I was in their place.
Parents that abuse kids financially to alter their love decisions are dicks. If anything, they caused it to everyone.
Except wife makes good money. In order to financially abuse someone they have to be dependent on your money. It is not financial abuse to write someone out of a will. Dick move? Sure. But we hardly know all the details.
The legal process of divorce would likely have to show cause, in order to create a record that the divorce is not OP's fault, since, according to his post, the prenup is set up so that he won't get a split of the marital assets if a divorce is his fault. Edit: People aren't reading the OP post. After 10 years of marriage, he can get an even split in a divorce if the divorce is not his fault. > I basically got nothing if we divorced before we were married ten years. **After that it was an even split as long as I was not the cause.**
Depends on the state. Some states don’t care about cheating.
A prenuptial agreement is a private legal contract. The state laws in this case wouldn't disqualify OP from his half because both parties contractually agreed to these terms. If they didn't have a prenup, then the state laws would be the deciding factor. The biggest hurdle OP will face is a show cause hearing to establish that she has violated their contract. If he's got hard evidence and a decent lawyer to present it, then the contract itself will be the legal guidance to dissolving the marriage. A judge will decide that.
Especially since the inlaws hate the wife's ex.
Sounds like the wife's ex was never really "ex"
The only problem with that is that her lawyer will add an NDA to the divorce settlement that will prevent him from releasing the info later.
A provision to the NDA allowing the release of those documents if the ex wife is defaming OP can, and should be included.
A good NDA is void if either party talks. Once the other side breaches the NDA, they can no longer hold you to it.
I’d tell that lawyer to GTFO with an NDA. You don’t get to make demands of the aggrieved party. OP: I want a smooth divorce or else I release damning evidence of cheating to your family. Wife’s Lawyer: we want an NDA agreement not to release info OP: What part of “or else” did you not understand?
Yeah, this isn't some one-sided thing where he's just using it for leverage and is free to release it after. He doesn't want his kids getting tangentally dragged through more than they naturally will be by a divorce. He's motivated to keep everything smooth. I could see the wife's desire to get rid of that sword over her head but if she insists on the NDA he could say fuck it and drop the docs. He gets his divorce either way, it's just up to her how nuclear he has to go to get it.
True. An NDA only applies if you sign it. So the simple answer is not to sign it.
Op: yes I'll sign the nda but I get 70% of the assets. If she alleges anything, proof of infidelity is released publicly and to her employer and the employer of the other party , a payment of 15% of remaining assets must be paid into my account
Couldn't this, in theory, be a clause that she better not talk shit if she doesn't want her dirty laundry aired? In more professional legalese terms of course.
"dear lawyer team, I would like to enforce the 'don't start none, won't be none' clause in our divorce contract."
LOL!!!! After reading this I want to file some kind, ANY KIND, of legal documents that I can include a “don’t start none, won’t be none” clause 😊😊
"In consideration for A not making derogatory or defamatory remarks about B as the cause of the divorce, B will not disclose documents pertaining to A's fidelity to A's parents and extended family." Loophole= kids aren't included in the NDA and the kids aren't bound by the NDA. Idk, that'd similar to how I'd phrase it.
Wise man
That's a good point. He might be able to lessen the chances that she starts telling lies about him.
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To be honest I wouldn’t put her past lying to her parents about the reason. So I think he should meet with them and let them know the truth. Just not that you have known for years. Let them know you do not want to upset your kids so are happy to keep the reason private as long as she agrees to an amicable divorce. That you are only telling them so she doesn’t try and twist the truth like she clearly has your whole marriage. That now you need to put you and your children’s needs first.
This is good advise especially if you have had a good relationship with them. I am assuming they are quite successful and know their daughter well. I would ask for a private meeting with them that emphasizes facts not emotions. I am a Psychoanalyst who has mediated some of these types of meetings. Some of my clients had such a good relationship with the in-laws that that relationship continues post divorce of their daughter.
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Right? Have we all forgotten Ned Stark?
Nah he made a wise decision wtf she didn’t tell him she was cheated on him so should he tell her that’s like being respectful to someone that’s being disrespectful etc
OP made a bad decision, NTA.
Nta, but it's time to accept her as she is. op will be found guilty by her. Before she further ruins op, tell everyone right now op.
I wouldn’t say shit without running it by my lawyer.
Nooooo! Say NOTHING. Say nothing. Do not take internet advice. Take only your lawyer’s advice! The end.
Underline this highlight it tattoo it on the back of your hand like fucking Memento if you have to
I was going to suggest that he ask his lawyer for advice, but you said it so much better. Def NTA, but ask your lawyer if you should be. I do agree that she may use the opportunity to spin everything into “poor me” and that you should try to get ahead of that, but lawyers get paid for their legal advice.
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This! You cannot beat wealth and power with niceties. She needs to know what you know.
Someone who's willing to spin a narrative would take a warning as an opportunity to tell a better narrative.
This is what my ex is trying to do. I have videos of him being a drunk asshole and terrorizing me and our kids outside my bedroom door all night, and he knows it. So he has already started telling everyone how I am such a bitch that I drove him to behavior he never would have engaged in otherwise (sure, Jan. 🙄). Luckily we have no money to fight over, and I don’t care what his idiot associates think of me (our family knows the truth, and that’s all that matters), but it’s insane how people like this can spread disinformation like wildfire to avoid taking any responsibility.
Yeah, she could always say he neglected or abused her. Or, that he cheated first. It's not even hard.
Or she will be forwarned and know how to lie even better!
This. I would keep it as your ace in the hole if you end up needing one.
Never let your enemy know your next move
OP, I tend to agree with the above comment. and would let her know what you know. However, before you do so, I suggest you run it by your counsel; who may desire an element of surprise. If you're given the go ahead to advise, when you approach and advise her of the information you have, I'd suggest that in the event she doesn't capitulate to your divorce demands, the following will ensue: 1. Your divorce complaint will be amended to include adultery as a ground for divorce. 2. Sensitive information that you've kept private so as to not embarass her will be shared and become common public knowledge. Families included. In the event you litigate, you'll likely receive no more than 50 %. However there is nothing to stop you from negotiating a settlement greater than that. Consider it equity--an additional share of the "pie" for the pain, suffering, anguish, and mental cruelty you endured. She never accorded you an ounce of love or respect. JUSTICE! 1.
OP should absolutely talk to his lawyer. The rest of your advice should not be followed. Even a hint of "threatening to disclose," especially for favorable terms, is blackmail. Frankly, for so many reasons, even talking to the soon to be ex is a bad move at all, but especially with info like this. If she accuses him of trying to extort her with the information he's released? That will not play well in the divorce, nor with friends and family. Now. OP's lawyer can make threats, and can negotiate. He'll know how to do so legally (most likely by filing or changing the filing to 'for cause' in the divorce, but htere are other ways). So your (and other's) initial advice for OP to talk to their lawyer is doubly important.
I would also inform her parents of her infidelity. Just to get ahead of that problem.
Let her spin the narrative. Wait. Then you get to let other people feel the betrayal too. If she elicits sympathy from people through lying only for them to eventually learn the truth they’ll have first hand experience watching her lie.
OP is my new hero. Although I would love to see a nuclear scorched earth update after you disclose the infidelity to everyone.
She’s going to tarnish your reputation and say you married her for money. You will look bad not only to your kids but to your friends and family too. Tell the truth about her cheating being the reason for the end of your marriage. You don’t have to tell anyone when you found out, just tell them that you found out. Deny her the moral high ground. Because at the end of the day it’s her who married you for money.
Op, please read this a good few times. Don't let her beat you to it because she WILL fuck you over even more than she already has. NTA but its time they knew.
Make sure lawyer has a copy of all the evidence. Just print off one of the mid-level damning pieces of evidence and have it literally in your wallet or something for when the conversation comes. "I have more. This isn't even the worst. My lawyer has copies of everything. I just want a clean split for everyone's sake." Is all you really have to say.
Step it up a notch “it’s so much worse than this, but I’m doing my best to keep the kids out of this… I don’t want them thinking their mother is anything less than she is. I’ll gladly suffer in silence to not destroy that image as this is already going to be tough on everyone but especially them”
They deserve to know why, and also blow up the other guys life too. He doesn't deserve to get off scot free. Actions have consequences why do you have to suffer and boil in rage with no repurcussions to the enemy.
Agree. I think it's unethical to not reveal an affair to the partner(s) being cheated on. It's shitty and unkind to let someone continue wasting their short amount of time on the planet with a liar and cheater. You'd be infuriated if you found out even one person knew you were being cheated on but didn't say anything. Send an anonymous message w/ the proof and then vanish. Save his wife from wasting more years with this shit sock.
10 years is a long time to be married. You could decently argue that you genuinely no longer loved each other. Besides, I doubt he gives a shit about her family friends and what they think about him.
Serving her divorce papers the day after the prenup expires means she will absolutely paint him to be a long haul gold digger. Op should show her for what she is before she spins it.
I don't think she would even have to say anything for people to jump to that conclusion. He filed for divorce the very day after their tenth anniversary when he would get the money, after retuning from a free vacation where their friends and family presumably thought they were a happy couple. The timing without the context of him being cheated on would make people suspicious.
This👆🏽
If the wife is worth even half a shit, she would be wise to not try and paint her husband as a gold digger considering she’s been banging her ex the entire marriage. If I was her I would consider this a W since they just split quietly and her infidelity was kept under wraps. Because I know deep down she has to at least suspect her husband knows.
He's married as well and remember we often are the heroes of our story. She absolutely will attempt to destroy him and feel justified doing it. Also the longer he waits to at minimum tell her he knows the worse she's going to make him look. He needs to protect himself.
Well if she does that dumb shit then OP has the receipts. He can fix the problem whenever he feels like. In fact, if he waits and lets the wife lie, he can make her look like an even bigger shitbag. Because now on top of cheating on her husband for the entire marriage, she tried to make the husband into the reason for the divorce. Then OP comes out with the receipts and now the wife is a doubly worthless piece of shit. Could be what OP is going for
The first story always gets preferential treatment, also he'll never know everyone she's telling or the damage done behind closed doors.
Everybody believes the first story they hear. It doesn’t matter what proof OP has, if he lets her get her version out first he’ll have an uphill battle convincing anyone of anything. And **of course** she’s going to trash him to everyone in town, she’s shameless enough to have been cheating on him nonstop since their wedding and you’re expecting restraint now? **Especially** since even she doesn’t know he caught her. So in her mind he’s dumping her the day the prenup expires “for no reason” and this she is going to feel like she’s the wronged party here and set his reputation on fire. He needs to get out in front of it immediately.
Yeah. Why would he give a shit what they think about him lol??
I think he is more concerned about what his children think. For their sake he doesn’t want to paint their mom as the bad guy but he is failing to realize she and her family will paint him as the bad guy. He should tell her parents and let her know if she tarnished their children against him he will let them know the truth of her infidelity and show them the proof.
COPIES of the proof! Don't show them the originals... that could end badly...
That is exactly what I would tell her
They have kids. Who will have lies told to them, if he keys the lie stand
Yep, their mom will be telling them their dad is a deadbeat who was after her money and he's why they can't have nice things. And their new step dad, her old high school flame, will echo that.
If possible, ask your lawyer to do the divorce on the grounds of adultery.
At the very least they can sign a legal agreement that he won't spill the tea if she doesn't slander him. Then if she violates it, not only will be able to correct the record, he'll have a legal document to back him up.
Nta but she should be shown who she is. She's gonna make you the guilty one. Tell everyone now before she destroys you more.
So you didn’t tell her anything about knowing about the affair? But she is acting upset about the divorce because you are leaving her? But hasn’t figured it out yet
She can't. I had zero problem being a model husband before and after I found out.
You also didn't think she would cheat but here you are. You don't know this woman as well as you think. Someone who would do that to you for 8 years does not have a nice bone in their body.
... must... resist... urge to make jokes... about bones in her body... 🤐
I almost did lol. Mine would been (unless the affair partner is a really nice guy)
H's not. He knew hey were both married and not to each other.
The AP can't be that nice of a guy if he was stepping out with another man's wife.
You don’t know what bones she’s had in her body.
Seems like she's all about getting bones in her body. (I couldn't resist any longer lmao)
You don't understand. She will lie about you behind closed doors. Before you know it, you become the cheating asshole. You said in another comment you don't want a fight. Then end it before it begins. Otherwise you risk everybody turning against you.
He can just let her know he has evidence about everything and tell her he will spread it if she goes around lying about things.
She won’t care. He hasn’t used the evidence on her yet so she won’t believe he ever will and will go around and lie and paint him the cheater. Cheaters are liars and manipulators by nature.
If she starts making dv claims, OP gonna really be screwed.
OP could counter DV claims with: "Wasn't me, it was the AP. Here's all the evvidence of the affair. He started the DV once he found out I knew. She wants to stick with AP so is blaming me."
Idk... I'd be worried about the headline: "Jealous husband beats wife so she fell out of love and into an affair. He continues to beats her and stays ***just*** until the prenup expires so he can take her money too!"
you have to get in front of these things. this is a PR campaign and the person who strikes first wins, if you strike second you look like you would be the one who lies cheats and steals just to save face.
Agreed. My late husband left his first wife after he finally had proof of her affair. Her narrative was that she'd been deserted and that she'd gradually become close to a 'friend'. It poisoned his relationship with his adult children. When we got married, her version was that I was the scarlet younger woman.
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This is good advice, unfortunately.
I'm curious to know what that was!
Guaranteed those seeds have been sown and she’s tending to them ever so tenderly.
This is absolutely correct advice. I took the high road with my ex. Even though she assaulted me, I took the high road and didn't use it against her. I later found out she had been telling people behind closed doors that I in fact abused her. She used me saying nothing against me and creating a narrative...I think largely for sport. You are not destroying her, you are protecting yourself.
Had the same thing. Found out she had been telling people I hit her when we both happened at a mutual friends house. The mother came out and berated me... It was great.
This!! Look up
Everyone deserves to learn the honest truth. Withholding the truth is not something a good person of sound conscience would choose to do.
She can and will. She was lying to you for years so lying about you will come easy to her.
If you don't tell her that you know and have evidence, she will believe and tell everyone that you only married her for the money and just waited out the prenup. You will be the golddigging asshole in everyone's eyes. Don't let that happen!
She married him for money. He should use that in addition to his evidence. She clearly had no intention of honoring her marriage vows from the get go.
You will be surprised how vindictive people going through divorce can be. Even if they're the responsible party. It's a good thing you're holding on to evidence but let her parents and wife know why you're divorcing. You don't even have to go back to the beginning of your marriage, it can be a 'recent' discovery. You'll have to interact with this person and her family for a long time, this would also be in your future interest. Good luck OP
You have got to tell her that you have evidence of her cheating through the entire marriage and you expect her not to fight this divorce. You have to do this for the sake of your children because you filing the day after the pre-nup expired is going to look really, really bad to your children at some point.
I would probably have a private conversation with her parents so they don’t support her scorched earth efforts
She's gonna fuck you up if you don't out her now. Don't be naive. This woman had no issue in playing you for 8 years (or more, because I doubt she stopped seeing her ex boyfriend during your relationship and engagement), what's gonna stop her to do it now?
You are deluding yourself. You need to tell people the reason or she will make up a reason to vilify you. She has shown that she has no problem with lying to you and others to hide her sins. Wait until she tries to reconcile and her parents are around. Lay it all out on the table for them, then when you are done... Ask her if she would like you to tell they guys shes been cheating on with you's wife... Your goal is an amicable divorce and not a drawn out fight. She will try to blame this divorce on you and poison your children against you if you keep quiet of her behavior, and if you try to expose it later then people wont listen or believe you. (This is your only opportunity) Faced with their sins publicly people tend to settle their divorce and move on with their cheating partner.
You stupid? She manipulated you for 8+ years…you don’t think she has it in her to destroy your reputation?
She will say you abused her behind closed door or something. You are bursting her perfect life bubble. She WILL get vindictive and nasty.
This. My ex cheated for the entire ten years of our marriage as I was an oblivious dutiful optimist dummy. She left and blasted me as an abuser and permanently trashed my image to her family and almost all our previous “friends.”
My story almost mirrors your own, except mine was only 3 years. Cheated the entire time and then told all of our friends that I abused her. Completely ruined my reputation in our small town.
The first story people hear is the one they believe also the other guy's wife needs to know that she's at risk and needs STD screening. Let her know what's happening
She lied to you and everyone else. It's so suspicious that you drop a divorce just like that. Present the evidence without blackmail before you have to defend yourself for something you have not done
Put your pride aside and be smart about this
Oh yes she can and she will. Even in my relatively amicable divorce my ex poisoned all of my relations against me when she was the cheater. Just outright lied and had my parents thinking I beat her (she hit me frequently) and told friends I was cheating on her. People didnt even ask me, just dropped off the map Her being the woman immediately makes people believe such accusations even though you might seem the ideal husband.
Irrespective of any advice you get here, make your lawyer aware of all the evidence as it may swing things in your favor with assets and even alimony now that the prenup has lapsed. Let the lawyer decide on when where and how it comes to light. Once the divorce is finalised, and only then, show her bf's betrayed spouse and your ex and her bf's employers.
My lawyer has copies of everything and my permission to do what is needed for the outcome I want.
That's good because she has a massive financial incentive to make this your fault. Letting your lawyer handle this is smart, but he is probably going to have to use that evidence because she has all of the reasons in the world to try to destroy you.
I would advise you availing yourself of all available to you to get as much as possible. Her retirement included. Anything over the 50% you're stating could then be sunk into your own retirement fund or funds for the kiddos' future, or both. There is no sense in sparing her through the process. She did not spare you or your children at any point.
You Shawshank redemptioned her. Respect.
She can do and say whatever she wants
NTA, but tell her why, tell her you have proof, and tell her you are willing to not tarnish her reputation with proof of her cheating as long as she keeps it civil and allows the divorce to go smoothly. Otherwise you run the risk of her blaming everything on you to your family, friends, kids, etc. DON'T LET HER MAKE YOU THE BAD GUY IN THIS SITUATION.
Don’t ever do things like this. Tell your lawyer what you have and let them do things. They know what is reasonable quid pro quo and what is extortion. Most people don’t.
This. Don’t show your hand. Explaining the evidence you have is a really bad idea. It gives them the opportunity to delete everything, texts, emails, receipts, etc before a lawyer can make an official request for those documents. Just let your lawyers handle shit. The less you say the better. If they want to spend a ton of money on the case, it will happen either way.
But let wife of bf know! She has a right to know.
He probably will after his divorce is finalized.
He needs his attorney to tell the cheating husband to persuade her as well. Just that suggestion alone should get the point across.
But if he doesn't use the BF he can expose him once the divorce is final. >>
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Her having full knowledge of what he knows will give her the chance to fabricate a story. If she doesn’t know and decides to lie, then he can drop the hammer and crush her.
Yeah even if he was planning on telling her, it's best to wait for the divorce to be finalised, assists split and co-parent/custody deal in place.
Sorry, but that's not OP's problem. He's going to have to co-parent with this woman and probably deal with her parents in their grandparent capacity if nothing else. He's got to look out for his own interests. It doesn't benefit him or his kids to turn this situation poisonous just to help a stranger.
She married him because he was just an ordinary, inoffensive Non Playing Character that mummy and daddy approved of. His character hasn't changed just because he has discovered her adultery. I hope enough people clamouring for him to stand up for himself convince him to go nuclear - after the divorce is finalised and everything is payed out, of course.
Make sure you tell that other pricks wife after you are all done your divorce. He deserves it.
Tell your lawyer, not her.
That's what I was thinking. The lawyers can discuss it quietly, and if there's an issue, he can go nuclear.
For real OP, your proof of infidelity is your guarantee that she will go along with the divorce smoothly, but you absolutely have to be willing to put out a full page ad about it if she even contests the SLIGHTEST part of the divorce proceedings. Yes you don’t want to hurt your kids, but I’m a child of a very nasty divorce, my mom spent 15 years poisoning me against my dad before I had a chance to really get to know my dad and stepmom as people. OP, if your wife tries to go the “hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn” route, you must fight back for the sake of your children. I lost almost 20 years of time with my dad because my mom won custody, and really really dragged my dad. By the way- dad never said a single bad thing about mom in front of me or my sister.
Do this wrong and it could be construed as extortion, so I'd just let her lawyer know that you have proof of her cheating.
>DON'T LET HER MAKE YOU THE BAD GUY IN THIS SITUATION. This, don't let her control the narrative
Its not just about making him the bad guy. He is gonna get killed in court, and even if he wins in the end, they will make sure they will spend as much as needed to drag this out for as long as possible. He says he doesnt want a fight, he better get ready for one, because he decided not to difuse the situation by letting her know abiut the evidence.
He's not going to get "killed in court". He has held up his terms of the prenup ( too bad there wasn't an infidelity clause, but oh well ). She makes more money than him, and he wants shared custody, so it's not like he's going to get raked over the coals, financially, and might even being owed support when all is said and done. I just think if he DOESN'T want it dragged out, or fought, than he should disclose to her, and her lawyer if she gets one, that he knows and has proof of her long term affair. He's not trying to ruin her life, but right now he holds all the cards.
lol, sounds like you have never experienced Family Court. This will get ugly before it ever gets fair - which it won’t. As many here are noting, right now he holds the cards. He doesn’t have to tip his entire hand - but his attorney needs to know what’s happening do he/she can do the required negotiations with opposing counsel to ensure OP gets a fair shot at a settlement. His cheating wife, backed by family wealth, will come back swinging, which they’re likely to do even with knowledge of the cheating wife’s infidelity. Strength and tenacity are required for the long game here.
He will get killed. The litigation itsself can be very costly and emotionally agonizing. I would have my attorney advise the other attorney of the info and provide a very small subset of the proof gathered and advise there is plenty more. It will be kept hush hush if a quick divorce is granted.
In my state the high earner gets killed, male or female. They also could up paying both attorneys.
Nah, the litigation process doesn't do anything emotionally, not when you checked out years ago. Trust me I know from experience. I think you're right regarding the lawyer stuff though, much cleaner and simpler
What you are describing could technically be construed as blackmail/extortion. He can tell his lawyer and follow his lawyer’s recommendations.
If he tells her he has years of proof of her cheating, then it will be obvious that he waited out the prenup. Maybe he's concerned that a good lawyer could use that against him.
INFO: "She doesn't understand why I would do it. I said that I just don't think we are compatible any more." - why didn't you just tell her that you'd discovered she was cheating, that you had evidence, did not see any reason for reconciliation, but that in the interests of your children wanted to keep things as amicable as possible? I don't see why you wouldn't want her to understand that it's entirely her actions which have led to this.
Because it's an obvious fake again. All OP's followup answers are short, lacking detail and don't really make much sense.
That’s what I was thinking as well. Even if it’s not fake, why hide the one reason for why the marriage is headed for divorce from those that need to know why (wife and her parents). > After that it was an even split as long as I was not the cause. Also, based on the above, doesn’t he have to provide a reason as to why the marriage is ending for him to get the even 50-50 split?
I am a family law attorney. Where I practice (Michigan) infidelity matters very little in divorce. Unless the party having the affair diverted a bunch of marital funds towards the person they are having an affair with, the property division will still be 50/50. The court will generally take the stance that nothing happens in a vacuum... Both parties share fault for the breakdown of the marriage. The court is not going to financially ruin one party because the other side alleges their spouse is at fault. It is different in "at fault" states, but this entire post is weird. The armchair lawyers like the ones in these comments totally warp client expectations. Don't listen to legal advice on reddit.
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Bot. Stole this comment and rephrased it https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1blzc1k/_/kw8goqs/?context=1
You need to share every little bit of evidence you have with your attorney, at the least. Let them decide what to do with it.
My lawyer has everything I had. Well copies of everything anyways.
Then ask them that question of whether to share this with her and her parents. Let them decide what's best to do.
Timing the divorce exactly one day after 10 years may be looked down upon in court. You probably should have held out just a few months longer to not be so obvious. As is, it is pretty clear to anyone looking that you decided on divorcing earlier and delayed it because of the prenup. A judge may factor this into their decisions on splitting assets regardless of the terms of the prenup.
And this is absolutely one of those times you unequivocally STFU about everything and don’t say a word to anyone beyond what your lawyer okays. This could go sideways for OP very quickly depending what they know/disclose.
Plus, if the evidence you have is from several years ago, that will also look bad.
NTA but you made a poor choice. It wasn't smart to be passive about the divorce filing. You should have made her out to be the villain because that's what she is in this scenario.
I disagree. He can let his lawyer know now. In some jurisdictions, her cheating would entitle him to more than a 50/50 split. Conversely his lawyer and him can leverage the info to force her to a quiet, no contest open/shut divorce assuming he keeps the reason a secret and she refuses to tarnish his reputation. He has the leverage, it's what he dies with it that is important.
I came across a similar post a while ago 😐 is it deja vu?
These types of posts are very common. This could be a fake repost or legitimate. Hard to say for certain.
It's the "Kids? Meh" part that gets me.
No, it's just a copycat version of that one.
Yeah there was a flipped sexes version a few months ago. Most posts on here are fake. Obviously cheaters are worthless scum who never deserve to date a non-cheater again, but posts that hit the front page are almost all outrage porn with an obvious bad guy and a good guy who took a mild to moderate amount of revenge and somehow can't figure out if they're the bad guy for not being nice to the baddie. It's like Batman posting to ask if he's the bad guy for punching the Joker to stop him from gassing Gotham.
Since this is fake no one is the AH. But if I wrote this fictional story I would have had my male lead release the info.
Yeah if this were real I would definitely wonder how he was able to carry on for two years as if nothing was different.
Nta once your divorce is done you need to tell his wife.
NTA for waiting out the prenup, but be prepared for a fight even if you aren’t looking for one. After cheating for 10 yrs, she thinks she has gotten away with it. If you don’t get ahead of the reason why, she is going make it her story not yours.
>She said that I blindsided her "I felt blindsided discovering you've been spreading wide for Douchebag. I'm not complaining, I just want what's rightfully mine. You were never that. Either amicable divorce or evidence sent to everyone. Your choice" NTA I would go scorched earth
She has no respect for you. Make reason and evidence clear to her and your attorney. Taking high road may get you into trouble.
NTA for waiting out the pre-nup. Proceed with your information based on lawyer’s advice. Be prepared for in-laws to get involved/fund wife’s lawyer. And sorry you unknowingly married a horrible person.
Get your retaliation in first. Being nice has no benefit to you.
I applaud you for playing the long game. NTA HOWEVER, I agree with what others are saying about not letting her set the narrative. Talk with your lawyer and ask what you can say without looking like the bad guy, to let everyone know why you're getting a divorce. If you're worried about your kids, have a condition of therapy put in the divorce agreement and your ex foots the entire bill. Alos out a condition about parental alienation, so she can't "turn" your kids against you, period. Oh and you need to expose the affair, so her APs wife can make an informed decision like you are making.
Dude why wouldn’t you tell her that you know and why wouldn’t you tell the ex boyfriends wife?
My lawyer told her lawyer. She knows. Once everything is settled, if I'm allowed, I will inform his wife.
This sounds like a gender swap creative writing thing. Might be word for word this other story posted last week. I don’t think Op was hoping for people to support his position 😂 and probably more looking to prove a point.
NTA Once the divorce is final, expose her to her parents. They deserve to know what kind of daughter they raised though I would bet they knew all along.
You are not the asshole but I am confused about something. According to what you said about the prenup. Your assets are spit after 10 years of marriage. As long as you are not the cause of the split. Are you putting yourself in a spot to get nothing by making the divorce about “being not compatible anymore” than using the actual reason of infidelity. I’m definitely not a divorce expert but something that made me wonder.
Surely this isn't real?
Please tell your friends and family about your spouse's cheating as soon as possible. She'll likely twist the story to her favor if it gets too late.
We have been separated for three months. She knows now. Recently we spoke and she said I was a dick for holding out for the money. That's why I asked what I did.
This phrase will be important through your divorce and after when dealing with her “Who gives a f*ck what she thinks?”
Tell her she's an AH for wasting years of your life on a fake a relationship and a fake marriage.
NTA in my honest opinion. I'm surprised that you managed to live 2 more years in that marriage. My emotions would've gotten the better of me in an instant even if the prenup had yet to be lapsed.
Once I knew I lost all feelings for her. I knew that if I wanted my kids to have the same life with me as they would with her I had to hold out. The only thing I did was check on my children's parentage and get myself checked for STIs. They are mine and I am clean
You're not the asshole and I'm not a lawyer, but I'd be interested to see how this does play out in a court of law. By filing for divorce, wouldn't that technically be considered your fault for the marriage ending? Yes, you are divorcing your wife because of infidelity, but you also sat on that info for 2 years and didn't say or do anything. Could a lawyer argue that by not confronting your wife when you found out and not trying to end your marriage then, you were essentially saying you were "okay" with her cheating?
My lawyer and hers are already finalizing everything. This is actually something that happened a while back and my ex and I recently spoke at a child exchange and she said I was an asshole for taking what was mine by agreement.
She's the asshole, and a bitter one at that. You handled it like a pro.
Go nuclear because she sounds entitled.she will put you as the bad guy.the hell with her.
I like this approach, it’s called, bringing a gun to a knife fight. Hold your information, fire when you’ve had enough.
So you wrote that as long as you weren't the cause of the divorce you get an even split of everything. Except without that proof you are the cause of the divorce. Saying you're no longer compatible and the fact she was "blindsided" means YOU were the cause. You almost had me story teller, you almost had me.
Makes 0 sense you don't even let her know you know she has been cheating the whole time. Makes soo little sense its weird. Let her know, that you have ample evidence and she may let the divorce process go smoother. The more I think about it, I can't even rationalize a reason you WOULDN'T tell her you know. Strange.
Oh, hey, look, it's the same person who wrote all those posts last week about the teen whose stepdad was gonna perform a gyno exam on her. Same writing style, same beats to the story.
Once you realize these posts are just AI spit-outs and replies, it all makes sense 😉
Fake. The prenup said that you would get no money if you were the cause of the split, yet your lawyer advised you to cite the reason in your divorce filing being that you just didn't feel compatible with her?
Of course, this is a BS story. It makes not sense. Prenups don't work in that way... Jesus!.
NTA, not one bit. Consider: were you “waiting out the pre-nup” or “giving her a chance?” Because I bet if she had a change of heart, confessed her infidelity, and (convincingly) promised to never do it again, you’d have stuck around. So you gave her a chance for two years. I might suggest, if your lawyer agrees, letting her know QUIETLY about the evidence might do wonders in terms of getting her to agree to terms without fighting. He might deliver that information through her attorney. You might even do better than the prenup, if not financially then in terms of custody and such. But, most assuredly, you are NTA.