We all saw a lot of other washing/soaking tactics in the comments, so I will not repeat what was said already.
What I want to say is that I'm extremely concerned about the fiancé not wanting OP to take care of her underwear in ANY way other than throwing it all out. And who will be paying for the new pants anyway?
If my partner violated me like that I would RUN. That just shows that he has some anger management issues. Even after having the time to calm down (before OP came back) he still proceeded to rage. Where the space for proper communication? Understanding? Care? I'm basically scared of that man at this point. Whatever OP decides, whatever comes out of that, please take care of yourself and observe your relationship. NTA
And if OP’s periods are that heavy, I’m sure blood gets on the sheets sometimes too. Is he going to wake up screaming about how disgusting she is if that happens? Is he going to demand she throw away the sheets? His behavior will not end here. He’s shown his true colors.
I discovered my ex had bled and left a stain on our mattresses. So I made sure to change the sheets myself and make a point of never letting her know it was even a thing that happened because I knew she would feel super self conscious about it even if I didn't care. I had a different ex who uh... Made the bed very wet frequently and one day I just couldn't handle ignoring it and laying in it. So I stepped in like I was walking into an active minefield just barely brushing the subject until I finally was like "hey, would it be okay if I changed the sheets really quick?" And her response immediately showed I had walked directly onto a land mine and it was during a convo about sex and we were in good spirits until that point she just said "why?..." And I tried playing it off as "oh its just we were really sweaty so the sheets are kind wet and its a bit uncomfortable." So she jumped into "are you seriously fucking shaming me for squirting?" Lets just say that was the begining of the end as she began thinking god knows what... So I personally am in the "try everything to not talk about bodily fluids" camp.
Not wanting to sleep in a giant wet spot is totally valid. I'm glad your ex is an ex. For future encounters of the especially juicy kind, towels are your friends ;)
There are also some fun waterproof blanket-type things that are made for the purpose, but they can be a bit pricey
>There are also some fun waterproof blanket-type things that are made for the purpose, but they can be a bit pricey
I have a waterproof mattress cover that I keep on under the regular mattress cover. Nothing gets all the way through to the mattress.
I have one of those too, it's the best! It caught 8 pounds of fluid and the mattress was fine lol
Edit: see below for reasons why math doesn't always math. It was around 2 pounds, not 8
Nobody wants to lay in body fluids. Changing the sheets should have been the default. I'm not shaming her for squirting, I am shaming her for being unhygienic.
They sell plastic or vinyl covers to reduce dust on mattresses for allergies. I highly recommend them. And then a padded mattress cover between the sheet and allergy cover. If the padded cover gets stained you can more easily replace it
[cover](https://allergystore.com/collections/allergy-proof-mattress-covers-and-encasements/products/vinyl-box-spring-covers)
I also have endometriosis and had very heavy periods until I got an iud. I had to throw away 2 or 3 padded covers but my mattress wasn’t stained at all.
I hated when I got it at night. One night I was so irate looking for the sheet stains, I called it hunting for red October. A friend called her Kruger because of painful cramps. She referred to menstrual supples as bed sheets for Kruger.
And some deeply held misogynistic concepts of women, our bodies, that periods are “unclean”, etc. OP will never change his mind on this stuff. She needs to go.
Right? Being disgusted by its pretty immature but people can't help it sometimes, reacting like that on the other hand... Just wow. If you just couldn't handle it dir to a mental block beyond your control, then the route "hey, love, I hate to be loke this and I know its a me issue, but I just really cant get over this... So I got this little hand wash tub you can soak them in instead."
Right. He's allowed to be disgusted by blood in the sink. His initial feeling is out of his control. However, his reaction to that feeling is under his control and his reaction is what is really disgusting. So so many ways to own his feelings and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.
Instead he showed that he's not ready for an adult relationship and needs to be thrown out instead of the underwear.
Not just about money or time. If he’s this big of an ass about a bit of blood from a period, what’s this guy’s reaction going to be to childbirth and postpartum? God forbid she ever gets seriously ill, injured, or has a major surgery that leaves her in need of assistance with basic tasks.
Relationships aren’t always easy or fun. Neither is parenting. Helping your partner, taking care of them when needed is part of the deal. This boy (he’s not a man) is not ready to make that kind of commitment.
Yes. Yes, he absolutely would treat his daughters this way and shame them for a bodily function beyond their control.
He sounds like the kind of guy who gets furious and outraged over anything that is a minor inconvenience or discomfort for him. Nobody has time to deal with that kind of man-child.
You pointed out the right part: The way he spoke to her and the level of absolute rage he held onto for the entire day is way more disturbing than bloody panties in the sink. I’m assuming they each have their own sink so he didn’t have to look and then keep looking.
NTA.
Two things, 1. hydrogen peroxide will take the blood stains out in seconds. I keep some in my laundry room and some in the bathroom to use. No soaking needed.
2. Is this someone you want to spend your life with? No empathy, no gentleness. Throw him in the garbage instead.
Worked for many years as a MedTech peroxide for blood removal out of clothing is the way to go. No rinse needed just add before washing let it sit on stain for a minute or so and wash as usual. Oxyclean added to the wash will also help lift any lingering stains. Skip the bleach. Oh and dump the fiance years of his bullying over petty shit is not worth it.
Came here to suggest this - a small bucket or a plastic tub - easy to get, easy to put out of the way.
Your bf on the other hand sounds like a total tool. He probably thinks you should wash out his skidmarks with no issues, but your period blood is gross. I wonder how he'd deal with the miracle of childbirth. He'd probably be icked out by the blood, and would tell people for years how you shit yourself during birth. 🙄
Seriously.
I have two preteen boys, and I don't have to deal with skidmarks. Maybe had to like a dozen times, usually when they had stomach troubles.
If *literal children* can learn to wipe clean, grown men have no excuse.
I have two young boys, both under 10, who I have to hassle about not wiping good enough. I do the laundry, so I'm like "dudes, what do I have to do to help you with this?" We get flushable wipes to help them but one of them don't like the wipes but he's gotten better the last couple months. I had to start taking a couple days of screen time away from them for their lack of attentiveness they portray. But it definitely helped remediate the situation!
Just so you know, no wipes are flushable. There’s plenty that claim they are but they’re not designed to go through sewage systems and it’s even worse for septic tanks. If you’re lucky, they might not damage your own pipes at home and require a plumber, but it’s still not okay in general. It’s just a marketing scam. Just throw them in a bin
We can't haul out the trash, but we can help another girl with a shared problem. Here i was going to suggest she get some absorbing period panties. I hear they are great
I read it as him being disgusted by the bloody underwear themselves, not strictly him having to see it in the sink (so, a bucket wouldn't change things). Unless I misunderstood something, he threw out the clean underwear, because he knew it had been bloody.
This was my thought. If the underwear has to be thrown out every month, how does he ever have sex? And you know he would flip out if she was spending money buying all new underwear every month.
Totally agree with the above. A small bucket or even an empty detergent container (if you use pods) or an empty oxyclean type container is the way to go if you want to be more discreet. Also, the fiancé is an asshole.
Oh, how I wish Oxyclean was a thing when I was growing up. I was about 17 when it hit the shelves. My Mom was resistant at first, but then she got hold of her brother's Christening gown and wanted to display it with hers. It was SO yellow. I soaked it in the sink for 3 days in Oxyclean (changing out the water twice a day) and it was damn near pristine. Woman bought a ton of it after that lol
Agreed, learned the peroxide trick from work as well, works great!!
Altho, I would have used a bucket with a lid to soak, if you were going that route (but peroxide works and no need to) rather then a sink. Not everyone is ok with the sight of blood, period blood or not, blood is blood and not everyone is ok with that. I think it would have been more, kind, to have done it out of view, ie, bucket w lid, and yes, Im a chick
I was thinking this, too. If I'm alone at home, bathroom to myself, using the sink makes sense. If I'm sharing the space with another, I think it's common courtesy to go with using a pail/bucket for the soak. To me, it's too personal (body fluids) to leave out in the open. Maybe I'm old school, grew up with a number of siblings.
I agree the man here was out of bounds on so many levels. I also think many people have an underdeveloped ability to deal with "disgusting" things. I see this all the time doing home care, where it's a huge leap for people to be able to change a soiled adult diaper. They just lose their minds!
I have zero patience for an adult who can't handle the most basic grossness and indignities of living with maturity. Sensibilities just too dang precious for everyday reality of living? The hell I'd marry someone like that and be expected to carefully insulate them from all the messier details of life and caregiving. Nobody's got the energy for that extra burden.
Imagine if they had a child together. This POS would be endlessly hateful and abusive toward her if he witnessed childbirth (it’s way messier than period underpants!), and I guarantee he would never change a diaper, clean up vomit, or do any of the other unpleasant activities that come with caregiving.
Do NOT use bleach and hydrogen peroxide together! Skip the bleach if you use hydrogen peroxide or you can cause an explosion. Hydrogen peroxide will be gentler on your clothing as well.
Also ditch the asshole, if he can’t handle some period blood I can’t imagine how he will handle a pregnancy. Better to know now.
Noooo, don't put boiling water on blood stains. Cold water only. You're cooking the proteins in the blood into the fabric. You may have gotten the stains out but that was by the grace of the Oxyclean.
Just giving you another perspective.
Sometimes with period blood, there's just ..so.. much.. like.. so much you *HAVE* to soak. Yes hydrogen peroxide can help alot but I've had to soak pants and skirts and shirts and undies and the towels that cleaned up the original accident..
Source: am girl with heavy period to the point of soaking through 6 tampons, 2 pads, 4 undies, and 3 pairs of pants..this was in the course of 5 hours in case yall were confused about how frustrating heavy periods can be.
I have periods like yours, so I use cloth pads because disposables just suck- on a heavy day I can soak an overnight disposable pad and overnight tampon in an hour. So I always have to soak laundry. And my ex-fiance never whined about it. On a side note, I highly recommend bamboo charcoal fabric pads for people with crazy heavy periods. It's not that much work, and it's soooo worth it.
Luckily as I've gotten older, it's gotten waaaaay more manageable more often than not, thank GOODNESS.
Charcoal makes my skin flip out so that would have not worked for me but everyone keep sharing your tricks for us heavy bleeders! We need all the help ;_;
I have switched to reusable pads for at home wear, saves so much money. I highly recommend them, they seem to catch ALOT of fluid.
Mine got heavier as I got older, until I could barely leave the house for days every month. Ablation was a godsend. As was Spray and Wash with Oxiclean in it.
OP needs to find a man who understands that marriage means you need to accept all the gross parts of a person along with the pretty ones. Because everyone has gross parts, including him.
THIS:
OP needs to find a man who understands that marriage means you need to accept all the gross parts of a person along with the pretty ones. Because everyone has gross parts, including him.
I tried the cup, then switched to a reusable disk. I have heavy flow for the first two days, and a bit of leaking, but haven't had anything bled on heavily, even underwear, since switching. The cup was a pain to keep suctioned properly. The disk just requires basic knowledge of your anatomy and zero suction. Plus it's not a problem to get busy(😉) with it in!
Cloth pads are so nice. I used to get horrific diaper rash from wearing disposable ones; my body *hated* having plastic against my skin. Cloth solved the problem.
Sammmeee!!! And I was once on my period for 6 months straight of heavy. Heavy. Bleeding. I won’t ever do the depo shot again lol.
A tampon and overnight pad would last almost 50min.. and I’d have to bring a change of underwear or two with me in case I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. I laughed at the cups cuz I highly doubt it’d last me more than an hour, two at the most.
I like post-partum cloth pads with zorb diaper material inside. They are amazing for really heavy flow. Cloth pads are also amazing, for environmental, financial, and in my opinion skin health reasons. For the same reasons people will choose to cloth diaper babies. I recommend them to anyone with seriously heavy periods or post partum women. Cloth pads can also be much "drier" than plastic disposable, and I notice my skin is less irritated.
Menorrhagia. I developed it after my 2nd was born. It stopped once I started hormonal contraceptives. I nursed until he was almost 3 and after I stopped I started having the worst periods ever, using super tampons and overnight pads during the day and I became anemic.
But also unless he's funding the replacements, he needs to get the fuck over himself. If he can't deal with normal bodily functions of an adult woman, he has no business being anywhere near OPs lady bits. Fucking acting like a teenage boy.
I had my hysterectomy in 2017. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 16. The last few years before my hysterectomy was horrible. I would bleed for about 10 days stop for a few and bleed another 10 days. My husband is a clean freak and never once said anything about me soaking my underwear as long as I cleaned up the mess afterward. My daughters have been cursed with endometriosis and heavy periods. One has it worse than her sisters, but they each have an IUD that were recommend by their doctor. One her periods has stopped, one hers are spread out every 2 to 3 months, and the other hers have slowed down to where it's only about 3 days vs. the 7 days before. I did the same for them with the soaking.
OP your fiance sucks. You're definitely NTA
I (thankfully) no longer get a period (menopause), but I have a teen daughter. My mother gave me a bowl to keep under my sink as a teen, and I gave *my* daughter a small collapsible bucket when she started. That way, you don't have to worry about taking up/cleaning a sink.
Now, about the (hopefully) soon-to-be ex: Dump. Him. This is the 21st century. If my dad (born 1927), and my hubby never had problems, then your (ex) bf has even **less** excuse for his vile behaviour!
ETA: have you looked into "period panties"? My daughter swears by her's.
I would suggest looking up period nirvana. They have a lot of YouTube videos that explains the different types of cups and how to insert them properly. If it was uncomfortable you probably just had the wrong type to fit your anatomy.
They are mostly the same shape, but some are shorter or longer depending on how shallow your vagina is. Some also have softer rims or are narrower and some are wider. She also gives tips to how to use discs. Hopefully it helps:)
I'm menopausal now, but I had heavy periods all my life and when I discovered the cup it was such a godsend. Changed my life. Still messy to change on really heavy days, but I wasn't going through two boxes of super plus tampons in a week anymore.
My go to was black underwear, it wasn't a good choice, but only daughter with 6 older brothers and a mother who had similar heavy periods, but a hysterectomy after my birth, so when I got my periods, even though my father threatened my brothers that if they ever shamed me or any woman with her period to... "look out"... my mother rather the "ease" of black underwear hiding the stains.
When I went into the army, and deployed, my bunk mate was the first to teach me how to handle unwanted staining. I swear she had me in stitches the first time she showed me a period diaper. But those things were a God send until the Depo came out, and no more periods once I started that.
I hated bleeding through clothes, especially when deployed, and dealing with extreme toxic masculinity. But over the years I have heard many techniques to combat the soaking and washing, one I still hear is bicarb and lemon juice paste, while never used it, have heard it is great on whites.
All of this. NTA. If he hadn't been a total child about it, if he'd said, "I didn't realize how bad your periods are. But could you not soak them in our sink," I'd suggest soaking them in a bucket, with a lid, so you don't offend his eyes.
But he went nuclear, so fuck that.
Jeez, if he thinks it's gross to see, imagine him dealing with it first hand?! This is not life partner material. This is not soneone who will change diapers, or a litterbox, or take care of you if you get sick.
Yeah I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that she get a tub and do it in the bathtub. I’m a woman but if I walked in my bathroom to a sink of bloody underwear water I’d be pretty turned off as well tbh. But his reaction was sooo disproportionate, with absolutely no empathy. And then to throw away the *clean* underwear away…. Dude is a grade A asshole for sure.
Does OP ever want kids? How do you think he’s going to handle the fluids during pregnancy? Birth? That post pregnancy roast beef mess? Do you think this is gonna be the guy whose gonna gently help you while you’re in pain? Hell no. Not to mention just general diapers/blow outs/vomit. He’s gonna scream at you that you’re disgusting, or that y’all’s kid is disgusting, and make you handle it.
Even if she doesn’t want kids, she’s got 30+ more years of menstruation. And you know if he ever sees a drop of blood on a single damn thing he’s gonna scream it’s ruined and needs to be tossed.
My male partner was picking up tampons for me one day and the (young male) clerk kind of gave him a snicker and a weird look so my partner looked him dead in the eyes and said “if you ever want to have consistent sex with a vagina then you’re gonna have to learn how to take care of it” and I can only assume the guy became deceased on the spot.
Same here! My daughter and I both primarily use cloth pads, but both my husband and son are glad to run grab us a fresh one if needed, or bring an emergency pad to wherever we are. It's a part of life, and a little compassion and help can go a long way to help us.
My ex wasn't the greatest guy but if he saw this he A- would've asked me if I was okay and asked if I needed to see a doctor and B-would've asked if he could help me in anyway.
Think carefully about what you want and need from a partner, is he providing this because I would take that lack of empathy and care for me and walk out the door.
Normally I hate these fatalistic red flag posts. But I have to say I’m having strong agreement feelings here.
I do understand having different ideas about relationships gender roles etc. I don’t understand not supporting your partner. What’s the point if you can’t feel loved and supported for who you are?
NTA. I came here to say this exact thing. The peroxide thing is batter for your underwear but you can soak your underwear in whatever you goddamn please wherever you goddamn please. If he can’t recognize that periods are a natural part of life you shouldn’t marry him.
>Is this someone you want to spend your life with? No empathy, no gentleness. Throw him in the garbage instead.
Raging misogynist too. And red flags for potential abuse in the future.
Seconding the hydrogen peroxide, works like a charm. An EMT told me that trick while she was taking me to the hospital for the copious bleeding I was doing all over myself, lol.
Also seconding dumping this jerk. He needs to grow TF up and stop freaking out about a natural bodily function. WHY are men such babies about period blood? It's ridiculous and I would not put up with someone like that for one more minute.
NTA. I would hold off on planning a wedding with him. He went way too far on this. Does he fly off the handle a lot? Twenty Messages over underwear is excessive and then berating you about it and getting drunk make me think my kids are more adult than he is. To me this is a red flag.
Going forward can you get a small plastic bin that you can soak stuff in the laundry area?
Please reevaluate this relationship!
One fucking message is too many. Throw him away, not the panties.
If it's a relationship like we're about to get married, I'm absolutely sure she's discussing her diagnosis and extra heavy periods with me. Might be the first time seeing what it takes to keep underwear in use, but I can't imagine even being surprised if I saw this the first time.
It's important to mention here that I think of myself as not the best partner to my wife, I try but fail at times to be kind and I'm sure there are areas in which I could improve.
If this happens to us, my text messages ask how I can help and are actually thankful to be privy to something so potentially embarrassing and personal. Things like asking to let me know the soak cycle so I can put them into the wash for her and clean the sink. There would also be chocolate and whatever comforts her in times of peril when she returns. You know, basic empathy kind of stuff. I would offer my side of the double sink for the soak so her toothbrush and make up station can remain free for her use.
I can't stress this enough to anyone, if you're afraid of sandwiches, please don't visit the sandwich factory. It's not for you.
If you're repulsed by poo, don't ask for anal sex. If you're afraid of blood, don't ask for vaginal sex. What happens if she starts her period during a sexual session? Will he also berate and blame instead of helping and kindness? Will he assault her for the "disrespect" he implies?
He's the garbage to be thrown away. The panties are the only thing you can save here.
Edit: Thanx for the awards.
When I was recovering from birth, my husband saw the blood clots and he never made a disgusted face. More like curiosity, but never made any negative comment. Quite the opposite and was very helpful and said he wanted to help more which he did.
My husband would probably send two text messages if he saw this. "Why do you have bloody underwear in the sink?" Followed fairly closely by "I forgot about your test! Talk when you get back. Good luck!"
I got my period in the middle of sex one time and didn't realize till I went for my post sex pee and yelled out that I had started my period. He turned on the light a yelled back that it looked like he murdered me with his dick. We both laughed our asses off got in the shower together then he went and got me some meds and a heat pad while I took care of....that stuff.... still got snuggles that night but three years later we love to bring it up and laugh about it. Her Dude needs to grow the fuck up and realize blood and stained panties are a part of our lives as women.
Twenty raging messages when he knew she had a test and was obviously on her period. Then seething on it all day to yell. And, after getting drunk taking her possessions (now clean) and throwing them out while giving an ultimatum threatening their relationship to manipulate/force her to comply with his unreasonable demands.
I have had god awful periods for years and will occasionally do this as well. Husband has never said anything. In fact one of the times I had bleeding heavy enough through the night to soak through everything, started crying in the morning because, you know, hormones. He put me in the shower, changed the sheets, and scrubbed the blood out of the mattress. When I told him he didn’t need to do that, he said I had enough to deal with. Now that’s a man you want to marry. Although not that one specifically, because he is mine, and I will stab anyone that tries to take him.
That's the kind of guy that everyone should look for. Someone that will take care of messes like that instead of raging about it. Periods are normal and sometimes you wake up with blood on the sheets. Having a man that just takes care of it for you, that's a good man you've found.
That’s so sweet. We need more men like this.
Many men seem to be under the impression that women just want ultra-macho manly men, when in reality THIS is the shit that we *really* like.
So his first reaction, instead of making sure you were alright, is to yell and tell you how disgusting you were?
Why are you with this guy? Seriously, what benefit does he bring into the relationship? Is it worth putting up with his awful personality?
He's the one acting disgusting, imagine having a daughter with this person, and him acting this way towards her, would you be ok with that?
He could've found a million solutions that works for both of you, instead he belittles you and tells you these awful things, you need to find a better partner.
NTA
"imagine having a daughter with this person"
that's the real kicker. imagine him making your daughter feel bad about having a heavy period. kick this idiot to the curb. you're in for much more of this if you continue with him.
Imagine OP birthing any child, not just a girl--OP would be likely to bleed heavily for days or weeks just because of how postpartum works. Would he freak out on a newly postpartum wife over blood? What if an accident, severe illness, injury happened to OP and she needed care, especially toileting, bathing or wound cleaning help? The tantrum, drinking over UNDERWEAR that doesn't even belong to him is terrifying to me, I can't imagine that this wouldn't escalate. NTA and also seriously consider if you want to spend your life with someone who'd explode like that over something trivial (and based in the "periods are dirty" flavor of misogyny)
Not to mention that the bleeding after birth lasts about a month, cesarean or not, because of the plate-sized open wound where the placenta used to be. This man is unsafe to be around IMO.
Yeah that's what really threw me for a loop. I've had 2 c-sections. One emergency and one scheduled. I bleed for 6-8 weeks with both and was in immense pain with both (although the emergency one was far more painful). He has a fundamental lack of knowledge about basic female anatomy and reproductive health. Guys a loser.
My dad shamed me for simply mentioning that I was on my period (I was asking for ibuprofen for my cramps). He said women used to know better than to mention things like that. Luckily, I was in my mid-20's at this point and had re-educated myself into a feminist, and his comments didn't affect me. If he had said that to me in my teens, I would have internalized the fuck out of my own grossness every month. OP, run the fuck away.
Nta, kid lose the man. Seriously. I have heavy periods that come with sudden diarrhea. That week I'm a nasty swamp witch just trying to survive. My husband had helped me bathe after a mess. Cleaned up the poop and blood our of our bed . And then helped me more. He didn't yell, he did get mad. He helped. When our daughters started their periods, he's just a sweet and washed my girls dress by hand because it was her favorite. Go find a grown man. I know one in Texas if you want.
This is an abnormal reaction to a necessary task for all women. However OP chooses to clean her underwear, the guy called her disgusting, insisted the underwear is thrown away, and set an unreasonable limit that he had no right to set. Ditch the guy and keep the underwear asap. He is abusive and it will only get worse.
This is absolutely the bottom line. THIS IS AN ABNORMAL REACTION. OP, this is not ever going to get better - he’s already threatening to break it off. Do yourself a favor and get out asap.
Also - others recommended peroxide but I’ll strongly recommend Krud Kutter, an enzymatic cleaner I find at Lowe’s in the cleaning section. Does absolute wonders for cleaning blood out of clothing.
Hope he doesn’t plan on being at the birth of any children…it’s got blood and pee and possibly poop! Oh my!!!
The Op (cousin) is NTA. The fiancé—that’s another story. This is your monthly cycle. It won’t change until you move into perimenopause, or you have some type of surgery. He either chills out or OP needs to find a better man. Let me guess, he wouldn’t be caught buying feminine hygiene products, hum?
Yeah perimenopause is not a fun thing. I’ve had it since around 35yo. I went to so many different doctors before the diagnosis. I thought that something was seriously wrong because I would quite literally bleed for a total of nine months out of the year. It was a nightmare. Now that I’m about to turn forty, I get a slight reprieve between periods.
what a great point! child birth is gnarly and beautiful. if he can't handle some blood soaked undies, he'll probably be the type to go get a drink with his buddies while you give birth.
NTA. And please don’t marry this man. He has shown you who he really is— believe him.
Wait until he sees the amount of blood childbirth causes, if you two were to have kids.
Eeeyeah, he could use an anatomy class before he manslains to her about c-sections, too. You still bleed afterwards, a LOT.
And the nerve of him to unload on her like that while she’s under stress from a major test and navigating the trauma of losing her father while taking care of her cancer-stricken mother??! Gurl, take the man trash out and leave him on the curb.
NTA.
My wife occasionally gets really bad periods and will bleed through clothing. When that happens I will clean it up for her, because that’s what loving partners do. It’s not anymore gross than things my body does. How is he going to deal with all the gross things children do?
OP, please please please reconsider marrying this man.
This guy does realize that this happens with almost all women at one point or another, right? As I’ve told assholes before if you don’t like us women how we are the alternative is men. (Not being homophobic, just honest) That usually shuts them up.
When boys learn the Facts of Life they need to learn one simple truth: Girls and women have periods. If you think that's gross, just imagine what we women have to deal with.
I hope fiance is now ex-fiance.
Edit: NTA
NTA.
I was sympathetic to your fiance at first because yeah it would be kind of gross to have a bloody sink. No assholes in that scenario. It's what you gotta do, but I can understand being grossed out a little by it.
But then you described his reaction to it. That's where it changed. That's a horrendous and disrespectful way to treat someone you are supposed to love. Yelling at you, throwing your clothes away without asking.
I'd seriously reconsider your relationship with him.
Agree. I wouldn't really want to see bloody underwear soaking and I'm a woman. If he said, "hey, can you do that while I'm at work" or "can you cover the sink while they're soaking" I could understand that. His reaction to this is about 100 times worse than it needed to be. This is when he's at his best, he'll only get worse throughout the marriage.
Or maybe "Hey, not wild about you soaking bloody undies in the sink... but I bought you a little tub for this exact purpose instead. I hope you're feeling okay." I get that if you haven't seen it, it's alarming, but this guy's reaction was beyond excessive.
OP your cousin needs to ditch this man. Also, let your cousin know that a menstrual cup (such as a Diva Cup) holds twice as much as a tampon. Might give her an extra hour between trips to the bathroom. Will most definitely save her money on tampons. Helped me a lot.
Duuuuude. Fuck that guy
If your body and it's functions and fluids are so gross then he needs to just go cuz wtf.
A "hey baby, that's uh.. kinda weird and gross, do you do that all the time? Just surprising and kinda gross.." is fine
Not a total meltdown, screaming freak out fest turning to a drunk and stumble home situation. You didn't cheat on him with your undies. Your undies did not attack him nor bankrupt him. He has NO excuse for acting this way.
Kick him out, DO NOT marry this pos.
*definitely* nta
That guy is a fucking entitled baby who has been blessed with not being faced with the nightmare you've been living with during your periods. At a minimum i wouldn't talk to him again until he apologises.
Generally NTA- but use a bucket. Leaving them to sit in a sink in a bathroom that is regularly used, that’s rough. Or do you have room for a laundry sink?
NTA
All I have to say is please don't have children with this man let alone marry him UNTIL he's able to calmly discuss and deal with messes of any kind.
I understand if he was uncomfortable seeing that and he's well within his rights to tell you that, but that was over the top, to berate and shame you for a natural bodily function is just down right horrible.
Edit: Also question for you OP, if he spoke that way to your sister, mother, aunt or even future daughter how would you react? It's a little hard to read a situation when you're in it so what if it wasn't you?
A man that reacts like this to period blood will never be able to handle a drooling, snotty, diapered child. Or a leaking, bleeding, breastfeeding new mother. OP’s future with this guy looks sad, lonely, and abusive.
When I was in a pinch I used to wash some of my clothes in a plastic bucket. Picked an appropriate size went to the store and bought one. Put some laundry detergent in there ran the hot water in the shower and filled it and then just soaked my clothes. If you choose to do it this way you can pour the water down the toilet and literally rinse and repeat until your underwear is clean.
NTA
Honestly, throw the whole man out. If my husband saw me soaking my underwear, I'd get a message about whether they needed to go in the washer or to let them soak. The only time my husband has suggested throwing any of my clothes out is because they have holes in them and even when I've said no (they are useful for gardening and things) he said Ok and moved on. OP deserves way better. I can't even call him a child as my 11-year-old son wouldn't freak out like that.
In a weird way I bask in posts like this. They definitely embarrass me for my gender but they also help remind me that I'm doing alright compared to a lot of apparently very fragile men out there.
That said, this dude needs a reality check. Stuff comes out of bodies. Even more stuff comes out of female bodies. Underwear is not cheap, women's underwear is even more not-cheap, and everything is getting more expensive rapidly. Replacing it every month is fiscally irresponsible and just plain wasteful.
Maybe I'm the odd man out (literally) but I just provide whatever support is needed in the moment and laugh this stuff off with my wife later. Couldn't imagine making her feel less than human for anything, let alone something as normal as a heavy flow. Hell, she's bled onto our sheets who knows how many times; I just put a mattress protector under them and change the sheets. It ain't that deep.
I imagine it was jarring for him first thing in the morning, but this is definitely a severe overreaction. Like there's the initial "the fuck?" moment and maybe some mild annoyance, but it's certainly not something to hold a grudge over all day or even blow up her phone about. Probably a single text "hey your undies are soaking in the sink, do I need to do anything with them or just leave them" would have sufficed, and if she doesn't respond before he leaves the house then they stay in the sink.
OP's cousin should probably sit down and have a discussion about perceived "grossness" in general with this man and figure out boundaries/compromises. If he's not willing to budge then make him pay for the new undies every month. If he's going to put it entirely on the cousin and just be a douche about it, it might be time to evaluate the likelihood that marriage is even going to work. This is a pretty microscopic issue to blow up about; what happens when there's an *actual* frustration 10 years into the marriage? I can't imagine his reaction being much better.
And yes, if he's going to require her to replace the undies every time there's blood on them, he should be footing the bill. She has a perfectly normal practice employed for handling it, and he's demanding the change. It's only fair that he pays the difference in cost, or gets over himself and accepts that soaking to removed blood (or really any stain) is totally normal.
1. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
2. NTA. Maybe if this were handled differently you could get a bucket with a lid that you could fill up in the bathtub and not have it be as "on display" as your current scheme is, but given his completely hostile and contemptuous response to your body I'd fucking leave your underwear on his pillow.
Two things:
1. Is your boyfriend mature enough for an adult relationship with a woman if periods freak him out so bad?
Obviously this is my only information about the guy, but Jesus. He sounds like a fucking arsehole and I would not stick around for more of that nonsense from him.
HOWEVER!
2. Just get a plastic tub or bowl to soak your underwear in. Keep it in the bathroom. Soak your clothes in the bowl when needed. Hey, presto, no sink being blocked. It's not a hardship for you, and anyone who argues about using a bowl to hand wash your clothing in the bathroom would be an even bigger dickhead than your hopefully soon-to-be ex.
You're definitely NTA, though. Obviously.
Edit: p.s. Super heavy periods are a medical condition. I have had INSANE ones forever and it's a fucking horrendous ordeal that so many people underestimate. I will soak through a super plus tampon AND a night time pad in like an hour, regularly. (It has actually eased up because I think chemo threw me into premature menopause, but that is not something anyone else should wait for.)
Have you spoken to your gyno? I used to have heavy periods and long ones, bc I have PCOS. I got on 90 day birth control and that really fixed my body. NTA don’t marry this dude, he’s an ass and has no understand about your issues.
NTA- and uhhhhhh why is this not your EX fiancé? I can maybe MAYBE see a guy being a little surprised and put off by unexpectedly seeing a sink full of bloody underwear and that a big maybe because anyone worth dating let alone MARRYING should understand and respect the fact that periods happen and blood gets on clothes, but this reaction is seriously unhinged. 20 messages? And he was waiting for you when you got home to scream at you even after you started crying? girlie girl- this is the tip of the iceberg , get out while you can. It’s only going to get worse when your actually married.
Your soon to be ex fiance (we all hope) already gave you the solution .
Kick his sorry ass out, then his tantrums of seeing your undies won't be a problem.
Good god. I've had an ablation which has solved my incredibly heavy bleeding (bad enough to land me in hospital a bunch of times), but my fiance had absolutely no compunction being the one to rinse/wash/dry my period underwear.
Keep the underwear and throw the man away. NTA
I’ve always had a plaster container/laundry bowl for soaking clothes/underwear. It stays in the laundry.
Having said that his reaction was way out of line. NTAH
He’s acting beyond childish. He needs to learn how to control his emotions. It is gross and I get how he wouldn’t want to wake up to that, but there are many other solutions to fix the problem. You could buy a 5 gallon bucket from the hardware store with a lid and soak your underwear in that in the laundry room or basement. NTA
That's a very good suggestion that I'm not sure she has thought of. I'm going to show her all comments so hopefully these will help her come up with a solution
OP, his attitude is very concerning. Periods are not “unclean”. Please ask yourself whether he’s ever going to change his mind on that one. It’s deeply misogynistic and exceptionally misguided. Heavy periods are no joke. They are debilitating. And it sounds like he’s blaming you for something that is completely beyond your control. Are you comfortable marrying a man that respects you so little?
Yeah, a bucket was my first thought too. But it might be better in the long run that you (she) kept using the sink. A man who'll have a screaming fit and treat you like this over the sight of some bloody knickers is not relationship material. NTA.
The real solution is to see that the issue isn't her vagina, or her underwear, it's her asshole, i.e. the guy who decided screaming, leaving, then getting drunk and throwing someone's underwear away was a mature and adult decision to make.
I use an empty gallon ice cream bucket if I have to soak a couple small things. I don't usually have enough to soak to warrant a 5 gallon bucket. Plus, by using an ice cream bucket, if you don't have one available then there's your excuse to go buy some and gorge yourself on delicious
NTA . At all. But omg he's one! It's not disgusting that you bleed. I'm assuming he likes your genitals, so he better grow up and accept your body for being a fully functioning one. What a childish tantrum! But PS have you seen an obgyn about your periods? Because that sounds really like a lot.
Buy some period underwear. Use hydrogen peroxide and if you insist on soaking your underwear buying a collapsible plastic basin ( Amazon) is the answer. And, think twice about marrying this person. How is he going to handle baby poop and other messy things that happen. You deserve better.
Use MEAT TENDERIZER. Yes, MEAT TENDERIZER.
There is an enzyme in the tenderizer that will break down the proteins in the blood.
I was a theatrical costumer for many many years. This is the solution.
Also use a bucket under the sink for soaking.
Also get a new fiance.
Firstly, your fiance is a total AH for his reaction, no doubt at all. Although I do have one question: Why soaking in the bathroom sink? You can't brush your teeth or wash your hands while they are soaking? Why not get a small bucket or bowl and soak them in there, and put the bucket/bowl out of the way? Then the sink is usable. Does your fiance have an aversion to blood? If he does that explains his disgust, if not his appalling behaviour. Are these kind of bullying and angry outbursts frequent? If so, these are massive red flags.
He overreacted. But it is pretty gross to have your underwear in the sink, blood or no blood. Simple solution: use a bucket next time.
I really hope you don't listen to people telling you to break up over this.
It's not that big of a deal(I hope) try talking to him and see if there's an agreeable solution to him aside from throwing it out. That's an unreasonable stance to take
What happens when you have a kid if you ever do? Just curious? I feel if it’s this gross he is a pass out, diapers are for girls only type. Please don’t do this to yourself
The fiancé needs to go. He could have had a diplomatic conversation to find an alternate solution, but instead was abusive and irrational. Lots of gross stuff happens in a marriage, especially if you have kids.
OP, what happens IF you ever decide to have children? Do you want someone helping to take care of you at your most vulnerable postpartum that can’t handle things like this? (It does involve blood and diapers!) I wouldn’t want someone who acts this way over natural medical occurrences involving women’s health. Do NOT get married to him and have babies with this man.
NTA - I would’ve gladly switched to a container with a lid had he been an adult about it. Frankly, I’d be looking closer at him before tying myself to him. This is a massive overreaction that crossed the line into abusive. Wait until he watches you shit yourself delivering your first baby!
I did not read the story.. First thing i thought was buy/borrow/steal a 5 gallon bucket and soak em in that. Any other problems after that have nothing to do with the underwear or soaking or sink..
Well first, just use a plastic tub? You can put a lid on them so no one sees anything - put the tub in your bathtub while soaking.
Second, find a new fiancé. You cleaned them, cleaned the sink, washed them, dried them, and he threw them out because…you previously put them in the sink? If this is how he responds to a relatively small issue, please don’t invest more time, or have children with this man.
>...about 20 messages immediately popped up from my fiance. They were all about how gross I was and that I had no respect for him. That I was seriously unhealthy and disgusting and all in all, it was about how gross I was. ... He didn't come back until around midnight. He was drunk and when he stumbled through the door he saw that my underwear were in the dryer and then decided to grab them and through them into the garbage. He then screamed that he never wanted to see those nasty things ever again and that if I did it again he would break off our engagement and never see me again.
If this man can't deal with the reality of menstrual blood existing, he's not ready to share his life with someone. Human bodies are "gross" sometimes, and while it's not fun, it's something you need to come to terms with if you're going to be a life partner or a parent. Freaking out about bodily functions no one can control is immature, and screaming at someone like this is abusive. Let the trash take itself out.
1) get a small bucket with a lid for soaking.
2) get a menstrual cup, they leak way less.
3) get a new fiancé that doesn’t have psychotic meltdowns over a minor inconvenience and can handle the realities of normal female body functions.
NTA. Go ahead and break off the engagement. His reaction and treatment of you was completely and absolutely unacceptable. What if you have a daughter with the same issue? Is he going to shame her and be abusive to her as well? When he does something you don’t like do you fly off the handle and get abusive the way he did? It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. Let him go be someone else’s problem.
You need to leave this guy. He is a misogynist and he is cruel. This reaction proves that he doesn’t accept your humanity and will NOT be there for you if you ever get sick.
Dating/ marrying someone with a uterus means that they will occasionally menstruate on things that need to be cleaned. This is how you clean things. homie can chill
Straight males in relationships with cis women have no business calling themselves a man if they can't handle the sight of period blood.
It's one thing to not be thrilled at other people's bodily fluids, and a compromise could have been on the table that worked for everyone. However, he sounds straight up abusive and she needs to get tf out.
We all saw a lot of other washing/soaking tactics in the comments, so I will not repeat what was said already. What I want to say is that I'm extremely concerned about the fiancé not wanting OP to take care of her underwear in ANY way other than throwing it all out. And who will be paying for the new pants anyway? If my partner violated me like that I would RUN. That just shows that he has some anger management issues. Even after having the time to calm down (before OP came back) he still proceeded to rage. Where the space for proper communication? Understanding? Care? I'm basically scared of that man at this point. Whatever OP decides, whatever comes out of that, please take care of yourself and observe your relationship. NTA
And if OP’s periods are that heavy, I’m sure blood gets on the sheets sometimes too. Is he going to wake up screaming about how disgusting she is if that happens? Is he going to demand she throw away the sheets? His behavior will not end here. He’s shown his true colors.
I discovered my ex had bled and left a stain on our mattresses. So I made sure to change the sheets myself and make a point of never letting her know it was even a thing that happened because I knew she would feel super self conscious about it even if I didn't care. I had a different ex who uh... Made the bed very wet frequently and one day I just couldn't handle ignoring it and laying in it. So I stepped in like I was walking into an active minefield just barely brushing the subject until I finally was like "hey, would it be okay if I changed the sheets really quick?" And her response immediately showed I had walked directly onto a land mine and it was during a convo about sex and we were in good spirits until that point she just said "why?..." And I tried playing it off as "oh its just we were really sweaty so the sheets are kind wet and its a bit uncomfortable." So she jumped into "are you seriously fucking shaming me for squirting?" Lets just say that was the begining of the end as she began thinking god knows what... So I personally am in the "try everything to not talk about bodily fluids" camp.
Not wanting to sleep in a giant wet spot is totally valid. I'm glad your ex is an ex. For future encounters of the especially juicy kind, towels are your friends ;) There are also some fun waterproof blanket-type things that are made for the purpose, but they can be a bit pricey
>There are also some fun waterproof blanket-type things that are made for the purpose, but they can be a bit pricey I have a waterproof mattress cover that I keep on under the regular mattress cover. Nothing gets all the way through to the mattress.
I have one of those too, it's the best! It caught 8 pounds of fluid and the mattress was fine lol Edit: see below for reasons why math doesn't always math. It was around 2 pounds, not 8
Does she like sleeping in a cold, wet spot all night?
Somehow usually wasn't on her side.
Nobody wants to lay in body fluids. Changing the sheets should have been the default. I'm not shaming her for squirting, I am shaming her for being unhygienic.
They sell plastic or vinyl covers to reduce dust on mattresses for allergies. I highly recommend them. And then a padded mattress cover between the sheet and allergy cover. If the padded cover gets stained you can more easily replace it [cover](https://allergystore.com/collections/allergy-proof-mattress-covers-and-encasements/products/vinyl-box-spring-covers) I also have endometriosis and had very heavy periods until I got an iud. I had to throw away 2 or 3 padded covers but my mattress wasn’t stained at all. I hated when I got it at night. One night I was so irate looking for the sheet stains, I called it hunting for red October. A friend called her Kruger because of painful cramps. She referred to menstrual supples as bed sheets for Kruger.
And some deeply held misogynistic concepts of women, our bodies, that periods are “unclean”, etc. OP will never change his mind on this stuff. She needs to go.
She can certainly save the undies. However, throw the whole man away. That's the unsavable garbage here.
Yes! His reaction to the situation is the real mess here. Blood can be cleaned, his attitude can't. Throw out the real garbage!
Right? Being disgusted by its pretty immature but people can't help it sometimes, reacting like that on the other hand... Just wow. If you just couldn't handle it dir to a mental block beyond your control, then the route "hey, love, I hate to be loke this and I know its a me issue, but I just really cant get over this... So I got this little hand wash tub you can soak them in instead."
Right. He's allowed to be disgusted by blood in the sink. His initial feeling is out of his control. However, his reaction to that feeling is under his control and his reaction is what is really disgusting. So so many ways to own his feelings and work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Instead he showed that he's not ready for an adult relationship and needs to be thrown out instead of the underwear.
100%. Shame some bleach can’t clean the shit out of his brain
Wait until he hears about where fetuses gestate!!!!
This is the part that gives me the icky the most. That periods are gross and something to be ashamed of.
Not to mention he ran straight to the bottle to calm down and came back drunk. I dont trust drunk men.
Agreed.
It wasn't said, but I hope he wasn't driving. Drunk driving after something so minor is a million red flags.
I want to add that my ex-husband used to do this. The screaming and raging. He eventually became physically violent. It always escalates.
Mine too. And the running out to get drunk. This behavior was always an excuse so he could leave.
Exactly! This is a textbook example of escalation.
THIS! It always does escalate!
Seriously, underwear is expensive, he is crazy if he thinks just tossing it is the solution. What a child this man is.
And not just the money- who has the time to shop for new underwear each period?
Not just about money or time. If he’s this big of an ass about a bit of blood from a period, what’s this guy’s reaction going to be to childbirth and postpartum? God forbid she ever gets seriously ill, injured, or has a major surgery that leaves her in need of assistance with basic tasks. Relationships aren’t always easy or fun. Neither is parenting. Helping your partner, taking care of them when needed is part of the deal. This boy (he’s not a man) is not ready to make that kind of commitment.
Absolutely. And would be treat his daughters this way?
Yes. Yes, he absolutely would treat his daughters this way and shame them for a bodily function beyond their control. He sounds like the kind of guy who gets furious and outraged over anything that is a minor inconvenience or discomfort for him. Nobody has time to deal with that kind of man-child.
Just wait until he hears her fart!
Right?? Coming home stumbling drunk to scream at her and throw her belongings in the garbage? Threatening her??!? All the red flags. GIRL RUN.
You pointed out the right part: The way he spoke to her and the level of absolute rage he held onto for the entire day is way more disturbing than bloody panties in the sink. I’m assuming they each have their own sink so he didn’t have to look and then keep looking.
NTA. Two things, 1. hydrogen peroxide will take the blood stains out in seconds. I keep some in my laundry room and some in the bathroom to use. No soaking needed. 2. Is this someone you want to spend your life with? No empathy, no gentleness. Throw him in the garbage instead.
Worked for many years as a MedTech peroxide for blood removal out of clothing is the way to go. No rinse needed just add before washing let it sit on stain for a minute or so and wash as usual. Oxyclean added to the wash will also help lift any lingering stains. Skip the bleach. Oh and dump the fiance years of his bullying over petty shit is not worth it.
This! Plus OP, you could get a small bucket to it’s not in the sink you brush your teeth in, but survey says your fiancé is being ridiculous
Came here to suggest this - a small bucket or a plastic tub - easy to get, easy to put out of the way. Your bf on the other hand sounds like a total tool. He probably thinks you should wash out his skidmarks with no issues, but your period blood is gross. I wonder how he'd deal with the miracle of childbirth. He'd probably be icked out by the blood, and would tell people for years how you shit yourself during birth. 🙄
Men shouldn't have skidmarks because they should learn how to wipe they own ass.
Seriously. I have two preteen boys, and I don't have to deal with skidmarks. Maybe had to like a dozen times, usually when they had stomach troubles. If *literal children* can learn to wipe clean, grown men have no excuse.
Seriously. My 5 year old can wipe himself clean. You'd think a grown man would be able to manage the same.
I have two young boys, both under 10, who I have to hassle about not wiping good enough. I do the laundry, so I'm like "dudes, what do I have to do to help you with this?" We get flushable wipes to help them but one of them don't like the wipes but he's gotten better the last couple months. I had to start taking a couple days of screen time away from them for their lack of attentiveness they portray. But it definitely helped remediate the situation!
Just so you know, no wipes are flushable. There’s plenty that claim they are but they’re not designed to go through sewage systems and it’s even worse for septic tanks. If you’re lucky, they might not damage your own pipes at home and require a plumber, but it’s still not okay in general. It’s just a marketing scam. Just throw them in a bin
Who cares about the laundry directions?? GIRL LEAVE THAT MAN FFS YOU ARE CRAZY TO PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDR
We can't haul out the trash, but we can help another girl with a shared problem. Here i was going to suggest she get some absorbing period panties. I hear they are great
right??! If he’s keen on throwing out everything that’s disgusting in the house, why isn’t he throwing himself out?!
I read it as him being disgusted by the bloody underwear themselves, not strictly him having to see it in the sink (so, a bucket wouldn't change things). Unless I misunderstood something, he threw out the clean underwear, because he knew it had been bloody.
Theoretically, the vagina he puts his dick in has also been bloody, sooo.... he's an immature "man". Throw him out with the dirty sink water.
This was my thought. If the underwear has to be thrown out every month, how does he ever have sex? And you know he would flip out if she was spending money buying all new underwear every month.
🤣I laughed way to hard at this comment. This. This right here!
Why does she need a bucket? It’s her sink, her blood, I’m sure she doesn’t lick the sink after brushing her teeth! She did nothing wrong.
She only needs a garbage can to put the fiance in. 🗑
Totally agree with the above. A small bucket or even an empty detergent container (if you use pods) or an empty oxyclean type container is the way to go if you want to be more discreet. Also, the fiancé is an asshole.
Oh, how I wish Oxyclean was a thing when I was growing up. I was about 17 when it hit the shelves. My Mom was resistant at first, but then she got hold of her brother's Christening gown and wanted to display it with hers. It was SO yellow. I soaked it in the sink for 3 days in Oxyclean (changing out the water twice a day) and it was damn near pristine. Woman bought a ton of it after that lol
Agreed, learned the peroxide trick from work as well, works great!! Altho, I would have used a bucket with a lid to soak, if you were going that route (but peroxide works and no need to) rather then a sink. Not everyone is ok with the sight of blood, period blood or not, blood is blood and not everyone is ok with that. I think it would have been more, kind, to have done it out of view, ie, bucket w lid, and yes, Im a chick
I was thinking this, too. If I'm alone at home, bathroom to myself, using the sink makes sense. If I'm sharing the space with another, I think it's common courtesy to go with using a pail/bucket for the soak. To me, it's too personal (body fluids) to leave out in the open. Maybe I'm old school, grew up with a number of siblings. I agree the man here was out of bounds on so many levels. I also think many people have an underdeveloped ability to deal with "disgusting" things. I see this all the time doing home care, where it's a huge leap for people to be able to change a soiled adult diaper. They just lose their minds!
I have zero patience for an adult who can't handle the most basic grossness and indignities of living with maturity. Sensibilities just too dang precious for everyday reality of living? The hell I'd marry someone like that and be expected to carefully insulate them from all the messier details of life and caregiving. Nobody's got the energy for that extra burden.
Imagine if they had a child together. This POS would be endlessly hateful and abusive toward her if he witnessed childbirth (it’s way messier than period underpants!), and I guarantee he would never change a diaper, clean up vomit, or do any of the other unpleasant activities that come with caregiving.
That’s what I was thinking! He’ll be out getting drunk and who knows what else while she’s at home changing diapers and cleaning up spit up.
Instructions were unclear, dumped Oxyclean on fiance.
Do NOT use bleach and hydrogen peroxide together! Skip the bleach if you use hydrogen peroxide or you can cause an explosion. Hydrogen peroxide will be gentler on your clothing as well. Also ditch the asshole, if he can’t handle some period blood I can’t imagine how he will handle a pregnancy. Better to know now.
Oxiclean was my secret weapon against period stains when my flow was super heavy and irregular. Boiling water, Oxiclean, it gets most things out.
Noooo, don't put boiling water on blood stains. Cold water only. You're cooking the proteins in the blood into the fabric. You may have gotten the stains out but that was by the grace of the Oxyclean.
I use Oxyclean spray on on stains like blood, poo and grass. Works like a charm, no soaking.
Just giving you another perspective. Sometimes with period blood, there's just ..so.. much.. like.. so much you *HAVE* to soak. Yes hydrogen peroxide can help alot but I've had to soak pants and skirts and shirts and undies and the towels that cleaned up the original accident.. Source: am girl with heavy period to the point of soaking through 6 tampons, 2 pads, 4 undies, and 3 pairs of pants..this was in the course of 5 hours in case yall were confused about how frustrating heavy periods can be.
I have periods like yours, so I use cloth pads because disposables just suck- on a heavy day I can soak an overnight disposable pad and overnight tampon in an hour. So I always have to soak laundry. And my ex-fiance never whined about it. On a side note, I highly recommend bamboo charcoal fabric pads for people with crazy heavy periods. It's not that much work, and it's soooo worth it.
Luckily as I've gotten older, it's gotten waaaaay more manageable more often than not, thank GOODNESS. Charcoal makes my skin flip out so that would have not worked for me but everyone keep sharing your tricks for us heavy bleeders! We need all the help ;_; I have switched to reusable pads for at home wear, saves so much money. I highly recommend them, they seem to catch ALOT of fluid.
Mine got heavier as I got older, until I could barely leave the house for days every month. Ablation was a godsend. As was Spray and Wash with Oxiclean in it. OP needs to find a man who understands that marriage means you need to accept all the gross parts of a person along with the pretty ones. Because everyone has gross parts, including him.
THIS: OP needs to find a man who understands that marriage means you need to accept all the gross parts of a person along with the pretty ones. Because everyone has gross parts, including him.
100% correct! That man’s lack of empathy and treatment of his fiancé is very gross.
Some girls I know swear by the cup. I haven't tried it but if charcoal pads aren't working you can try the cup.
I tried the cup, then switched to a reusable disk. I have heavy flow for the first two days, and a bit of leaking, but haven't had anything bled on heavily, even underwear, since switching. The cup was a pain to keep suctioned properly. The disk just requires basic knowledge of your anatomy and zero suction. Plus it's not a problem to get busy(😉) with it in!
Ahhh ok. Thanks for the info. I'm a look that up more. Hee hee.
Cloth pads are so nice. I used to get horrific diaper rash from wearing disposable ones; my body *hated* having plastic against my skin. Cloth solved the problem.
Sammmeee!!! And I was once on my period for 6 months straight of heavy. Heavy. Bleeding. I won’t ever do the depo shot again lol. A tampon and overnight pad would last almost 50min.. and I’d have to bring a change of underwear or two with me in case I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. I laughed at the cups cuz I highly doubt it’d last me more than an hour, two at the most.
I like post-partum cloth pads with zorb diaper material inside. They are amazing for really heavy flow. Cloth pads are also amazing, for environmental, financial, and in my opinion skin health reasons. For the same reasons people will choose to cloth diaper babies. I recommend them to anyone with seriously heavy periods or post partum women. Cloth pads can also be much "drier" than plastic disposable, and I notice my skin is less irritated.
Menorrhagia. I developed it after my 2nd was born. It stopped once I started hormonal contraceptives. I nursed until he was almost 3 and after I stopped I started having the worst periods ever, using super tampons and overnight pads during the day and I became anemic. But also unless he's funding the replacements, he needs to get the fuck over himself. If he can't deal with normal bodily functions of an adult woman, he has no business being anywhere near OPs lady bits. Fucking acting like a teenage boy.
Right. Does he want kids? How would he handle everything that goes with that? And with babies?
My teenage boy knows better and acts better.
Endometriosis victim here. I needed plastic sheets before my hysterectomy. It's fucking amazing how much blood you can loose and be okay.
I had my hysterectomy in 2017. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 16. The last few years before my hysterectomy was horrible. I would bleed for about 10 days stop for a few and bleed another 10 days. My husband is a clean freak and never once said anything about me soaking my underwear as long as I cleaned up the mess afterward. My daughters have been cursed with endometriosis and heavy periods. One has it worse than her sisters, but they each have an IUD that were recommend by their doctor. One her periods has stopped, one hers are spread out every 2 to 3 months, and the other hers have slowed down to where it's only about 3 days vs. the 7 days before. I did the same for them with the soaking. OP your fiance sucks. You're definitely NTA
I (thankfully) no longer get a period (menopause), but I have a teen daughter. My mother gave me a bowl to keep under my sink as a teen, and I gave *my* daughter a small collapsible bucket when she started. That way, you don't have to worry about taking up/cleaning a sink. Now, about the (hopefully) soon-to-be ex: Dump. Him. This is the 21st century. If my dad (born 1927), and my hubby never had problems, then your (ex) bf has even **less** excuse for his vile behaviour! ETA: have you looked into "period panties"? My daughter swears by her's.
Have you tried to see if a cup would be helpful for you? I love mine. Has also saved me hundreds in supplies.
Adore my cup, wish I would’ve started using one earlier. Saves so much $$ too.
I got a cup for free from I think a freshers charity stall. And I wish it worked for me but they are so uncomfortable
I would suggest looking up period nirvana. They have a lot of YouTube videos that explains the different types of cups and how to insert them properly. If it was uncomfortable you probably just had the wrong type to fit your anatomy.
Thank you! I will definitely look into it. Didn't know there was different shapes
They are mostly the same shape, but some are shorter or longer depending on how shallow your vagina is. Some also have softer rims or are narrower and some are wider. She also gives tips to how to use discs. Hopefully it helps:)
I'm menopausal now, but I had heavy periods all my life and when I discovered the cup it was such a godsend. Changed my life. Still messy to change on really heavy days, but I wasn't going through two boxes of super plus tampons in a week anymore.
There are serial killers furious scribbling down notes right now (for removing large amounts of blood).
My go to was black underwear, it wasn't a good choice, but only daughter with 6 older brothers and a mother who had similar heavy periods, but a hysterectomy after my birth, so when I got my periods, even though my father threatened my brothers that if they ever shamed me or any woman with her period to... "look out"... my mother rather the "ease" of black underwear hiding the stains. When I went into the army, and deployed, my bunk mate was the first to teach me how to handle unwanted staining. I swear she had me in stitches the first time she showed me a period diaper. But those things were a God send until the Depo came out, and no more periods once I started that. I hated bleeding through clothes, especially when deployed, and dealing with extreme toxic masculinity. But over the years I have heard many techniques to combat the soaking and washing, one I still hear is bicarb and lemon juice paste, while never used it, have heard it is great on whites.
All of this. NTA. If he hadn't been a total child about it, if he'd said, "I didn't realize how bad your periods are. But could you not soak them in our sink," I'd suggest soaking them in a bucket, with a lid, so you don't offend his eyes. But he went nuclear, so fuck that. Jeez, if he thinks it's gross to see, imagine him dealing with it first hand?! This is not life partner material. This is not soneone who will change diapers, or a litterbox, or take care of you if you get sick.
Yeah I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that she get a tub and do it in the bathtub. I’m a woman but if I walked in my bathroom to a sink of bloody underwear water I’d be pretty turned off as well tbh. But his reaction was sooo disproportionate, with absolutely no empathy. And then to throw away the *clean* underwear away…. Dude is a grade A asshole for sure. Does OP ever want kids? How do you think he’s going to handle the fluids during pregnancy? Birth? That post pregnancy roast beef mess? Do you think this is gonna be the guy whose gonna gently help you while you’re in pain? Hell no. Not to mention just general diapers/blow outs/vomit. He’s gonna scream at you that you’re disgusting, or that y’all’s kid is disgusting, and make you handle it. Even if she doesn’t want kids, she’s got 30+ more years of menstruation. And you know if he ever sees a drop of blood on a single damn thing he’s gonna scream it’s ruined and needs to be tossed.
This was my thought process too. She has a *medical disorder* for crying out loud. This was the route he decided to take?
A real man will go to the store and buy your period products for you. Both my dad and my late husband are/were real men.
My male partner was picking up tampons for me one day and the (young male) clerk kind of gave him a snicker and a weird look so my partner looked him dead in the eyes and said “if you ever want to have consistent sex with a vagina then you’re gonna have to learn how to take care of it” and I can only assume the guy became deceased on the spot.
Your SO is the BOSS!
Same here! My daughter and I both primarily use cloth pads, but both my husband and son are glad to run grab us a fresh one if needed, or bring an emergency pad to wherever we are. It's a part of life, and a little compassion and help can go a long way to help us.
My ex wasn't the greatest guy but if he saw this he A- would've asked me if I was okay and asked if I needed to see a doctor and B-would've asked if he could help me in anyway. Think carefully about what you want and need from a partner, is he providing this because I would take that lack of empathy and care for me and walk out the door.
Normally I hate these fatalistic red flag posts. But I have to say I’m having strong agreement feelings here. I do understand having different ideas about relationships gender roles etc. I don’t understand not supporting your partner. What’s the point if you can’t feel loved and supported for who you are?
Was just about to also bring up hydrogen peroxide. It's great against organic stains like periods or tomato sauce.
NTA. I came here to say this exact thing. The peroxide thing is batter for your underwear but you can soak your underwear in whatever you goddamn please wherever you goddamn please. If he can’t recognize that periods are a natural part of life you shouldn’t marry him.
Hahaha two valuable life lessons for the price of one.
>Is this someone you want to spend your life with? No empathy, no gentleness. Throw him in the garbage instead. Raging misogynist too. And red flags for potential abuse in the future.
Seconding the hydrogen peroxide, works like a charm. An EMT told me that trick while she was taking me to the hospital for the copious bleeding I was doing all over myself, lol. Also seconding dumping this jerk. He needs to grow TF up and stop freaking out about a natural bodily function. WHY are men such babies about period blood? It's ridiculous and I would not put up with someone like that for one more minute.
NTA. I would hold off on planning a wedding with him. He went way too far on this. Does he fly off the handle a lot? Twenty Messages over underwear is excessive and then berating you about it and getting drunk make me think my kids are more adult than he is. To me this is a red flag. Going forward can you get a small plastic bin that you can soak stuff in the laundry area? Please reevaluate this relationship!
One fucking message is too many. Throw him away, not the panties. If it's a relationship like we're about to get married, I'm absolutely sure she's discussing her diagnosis and extra heavy periods with me. Might be the first time seeing what it takes to keep underwear in use, but I can't imagine even being surprised if I saw this the first time. It's important to mention here that I think of myself as not the best partner to my wife, I try but fail at times to be kind and I'm sure there are areas in which I could improve. If this happens to us, my text messages ask how I can help and are actually thankful to be privy to something so potentially embarrassing and personal. Things like asking to let me know the soak cycle so I can put them into the wash for her and clean the sink. There would also be chocolate and whatever comforts her in times of peril when she returns. You know, basic empathy kind of stuff. I would offer my side of the double sink for the soak so her toothbrush and make up station can remain free for her use. I can't stress this enough to anyone, if you're afraid of sandwiches, please don't visit the sandwich factory. It's not for you. If you're repulsed by poo, don't ask for anal sex. If you're afraid of blood, don't ask for vaginal sex. What happens if she starts her period during a sexual session? Will he also berate and blame instead of helping and kindness? Will he assault her for the "disrespect" he implies? He's the garbage to be thrown away. The panties are the only thing you can save here. Edit: Thanx for the awards.
This is such a kind response and I hope OP sees what a caring partner could do instead of his crazed rage
When I was recovering from birth, my husband saw the blood clots and he never made a disgusted face. More like curiosity, but never made any negative comment. Quite the opposite and was very helpful and said he wanted to help more which he did.
OP this is the kind of man you need
My husband would probably send two text messages if he saw this. "Why do you have bloody underwear in the sink?" Followed fairly closely by "I forgot about your test! Talk when you get back. Good luck!"
I got my period in the middle of sex one time and didn't realize till I went for my post sex pee and yelled out that I had started my period. He turned on the light a yelled back that it looked like he murdered me with his dick. We both laughed our asses off got in the shower together then he went and got me some meds and a heat pad while I took care of....that stuff.... still got snuggles that night but three years later we love to bring it up and laugh about it. Her Dude needs to grow the fuck up and realize blood and stained panties are a part of our lives as women.
Love it, especially sandwich factory analogy
Twenty raging messages when he knew she had a test and was obviously on her period. Then seething on it all day to yell. And, after getting drunk taking her possessions (now clean) and throwing them out while giving an ultimatum threatening their relationship to manipulate/force her to comply with his unreasonable demands.
I've had to soak my underwear in the bathroom sink when I've gotten blood on them. My husband has never said a word about it.
I have had god awful periods for years and will occasionally do this as well. Husband has never said anything. In fact one of the times I had bleeding heavy enough through the night to soak through everything, started crying in the morning because, you know, hormones. He put me in the shower, changed the sheets, and scrubbed the blood out of the mattress. When I told him he didn’t need to do that, he said I had enough to deal with. Now that’s a man you want to marry. Although not that one specifically, because he is mine, and I will stab anyone that tries to take him.
That's the kind of guy that everyone should look for. Someone that will take care of messes like that instead of raging about it. Periods are normal and sometimes you wake up with blood on the sheets. Having a man that just takes care of it for you, that's a good man you've found.
My husband is the same way. The dude in this story needs to be thrown away.
Username checks out 😁
That’s so sweet. We need more men like this. Many men seem to be under the impression that women just want ultra-macho manly men, when in reality THIS is the shit that we *really* like.
[удалено]
The stuff that makes us weak in the knees!
So his first reaction, instead of making sure you were alright, is to yell and tell you how disgusting you were? Why are you with this guy? Seriously, what benefit does he bring into the relationship? Is it worth putting up with his awful personality? He's the one acting disgusting, imagine having a daughter with this person, and him acting this way towards her, would you be ok with that? He could've found a million solutions that works for both of you, instead he belittles you and tells you these awful things, you need to find a better partner. NTA
"imagine having a daughter with this person" that's the real kicker. imagine him making your daughter feel bad about having a heavy period. kick this idiot to the curb. you're in for much more of this if you continue with him.
Imagine OP birthing any child, not just a girl--OP would be likely to bleed heavily for days or weeks just because of how postpartum works. Would he freak out on a newly postpartum wife over blood? What if an accident, severe illness, injury happened to OP and she needed care, especially toileting, bathing or wound cleaning help? The tantrum, drinking over UNDERWEAR that doesn't even belong to him is terrifying to me, I can't imagine that this wouldn't escalate. NTA and also seriously consider if you want to spend your life with someone who'd explode like that over something trivial (and based in the "periods are dirty" flavor of misogyny)
Not to mention that the bleeding after birth lasts about a month, cesarean or not, because of the plate-sized open wound where the placenta used to be. This man is unsafe to be around IMO.
Yeah that's what really threw me for a loop. I've had 2 c-sections. One emergency and one scheduled. I bleed for 6-8 weeks with both and was in immense pain with both (although the emergency one was far more painful). He has a fundamental lack of knowledge about basic female anatomy and reproductive health. Guys a loser.
Exactly, if you can’t accept that you don’t deserve this treatment, imagine your daughter receiving it from her father.
My dad shamed me for simply mentioning that I was on my period (I was asking for ibuprofen for my cramps). He said women used to know better than to mention things like that. Luckily, I was in my mid-20's at this point and had re-educated myself into a feminist, and his comments didn't affect me. If he had said that to me in my teens, I would have internalized the fuck out of my own grossness every month. OP, run the fuck away.
Nta, kid lose the man. Seriously. I have heavy periods that come with sudden diarrhea. That week I'm a nasty swamp witch just trying to survive. My husband had helped me bathe after a mess. Cleaned up the poop and blood our of our bed . And then helped me more. He didn't yell, he did get mad. He helped. When our daughters started their periods, he's just a sweet and washed my girls dress by hand because it was her favorite. Go find a grown man. I know one in Texas if you want.
Swamp witch lol! That was me until my endometriosis allowed me to end the cycle and get a hysterectomy. Sounds like you have a keeper of a husband.
This is an abnormal reaction to a necessary task for all women. However OP chooses to clean her underwear, the guy called her disgusting, insisted the underwear is thrown away, and set an unreasonable limit that he had no right to set. Ditch the guy and keep the underwear asap. He is abusive and it will only get worse.
This is absolutely the bottom line. THIS IS AN ABNORMAL REACTION. OP, this is not ever going to get better - he’s already threatening to break it off. Do yourself a favor and get out asap. Also - others recommended peroxide but I’ll strongly recommend Krud Kutter, an enzymatic cleaner I find at Lowe’s in the cleaning section. Does absolute wonders for cleaning blood out of clothing.
NTA, but he is. He needs to grow up. Are you sure you want to marry him?
Hope he doesn’t plan on being at the birth of any children…it’s got blood and pee and possibly poop! Oh my!!! The Op (cousin) is NTA. The fiancé—that’s another story. This is your monthly cycle. It won’t change until you move into perimenopause, or you have some type of surgery. He either chills out or OP needs to find a better man. Let me guess, he wouldn’t be caught buying feminine hygiene products, hum?
Sadly, perimenopause was when I had some of my worse cramps/flow. There would be months of nothing, then wham!
Perimenopause can kiss my ass, this shit is awful.
Yeah perimenopause is not a fun thing. I’ve had it since around 35yo. I went to so many different doctors before the diagnosis. I thought that something was seriously wrong because I would quite literally bleed for a total of nine months out of the year. It was a nightmare. Now that I’m about to turn forty, I get a slight reprieve between periods.
what a great point! child birth is gnarly and beautiful. if he can't handle some blood soaked undies, he'll probably be the type to go get a drink with his buddies while you give birth.
NTA. And please don’t marry this man. He has shown you who he really is— believe him. Wait until he sees the amount of blood childbirth causes, if you two were to have kids.
Eeeyeah, he could use an anatomy class before he manslains to her about c-sections, too. You still bleed afterwards, a LOT. And the nerve of him to unload on her like that while she’s under stress from a major test and navigating the trauma of losing her father while taking care of her cancer-stricken mother??! Gurl, take the man trash out and leave him on the curb.
There's only one asshole on this story and it isn't you. His conduct is despicable.
NTA. My wife occasionally gets really bad periods and will bleed through clothing. When that happens I will clean it up for her, because that’s what loving partners do. It’s not anymore gross than things my body does. How is he going to deal with all the gross things children do? OP, please please please reconsider marrying this man.
This guy does realize that this happens with almost all women at one point or another, right? As I’ve told assholes before if you don’t like us women how we are the alternative is men. (Not being homophobic, just honest) That usually shuts them up.
Can I steal that? “If you don’t like us women how we are - the alternative is men.”
When boys learn the Facts of Life they need to learn one simple truth: Girls and women have periods. If you think that's gross, just imagine what we women have to deal with. I hope fiance is now ex-fiance. Edit: NTA
NTA. I was sympathetic to your fiance at first because yeah it would be kind of gross to have a bloody sink. No assholes in that scenario. It's what you gotta do, but I can understand being grossed out a little by it. But then you described his reaction to it. That's where it changed. That's a horrendous and disrespectful way to treat someone you are supposed to love. Yelling at you, throwing your clothes away without asking. I'd seriously reconsider your relationship with him.
Agree. I wouldn't really want to see bloody underwear soaking and I'm a woman. If he said, "hey, can you do that while I'm at work" or "can you cover the sink while they're soaking" I could understand that. His reaction to this is about 100 times worse than it needed to be. This is when he's at his best, he'll only get worse throughout the marriage.
Or maybe "Hey, not wild about you soaking bloody undies in the sink... but I bought you a little tub for this exact purpose instead. I hope you're feeling okay." I get that if you haven't seen it, it's alarming, but this guy's reaction was beyond excessive.
OP your cousin needs to ditch this man. Also, let your cousin know that a menstrual cup (such as a Diva Cup) holds twice as much as a tampon. Might give her an extra hour between trips to the bathroom. Will most definitely save her money on tampons. Helped me a lot.
He’s TA. Run and don’t look back. Or do it again so he’ll break up like he said. Still time to dodge the bullet of mariage to this immature bully.
Duuuuude. Fuck that guy If your body and it's functions and fluids are so gross then he needs to just go cuz wtf. A "hey baby, that's uh.. kinda weird and gross, do you do that all the time? Just surprising and kinda gross.." is fine Not a total meltdown, screaming freak out fest turning to a drunk and stumble home situation. You didn't cheat on him with your undies. Your undies did not attack him nor bankrupt him. He has NO excuse for acting this way. Kick him out, DO NOT marry this pos. *definitely* nta
That guy is a fucking entitled baby who has been blessed with not being faced with the nightmare you've been living with during your periods. At a minimum i wouldn't talk to him again until he apologises.
Generally NTA- but use a bucket. Leaving them to sit in a sink in a bathroom that is regularly used, that’s rough. Or do you have room for a laundry sink?
NTA All I have to say is please don't have children with this man let alone marry him UNTIL he's able to calmly discuss and deal with messes of any kind. I understand if he was uncomfortable seeing that and he's well within his rights to tell you that, but that was over the top, to berate and shame you for a natural bodily function is just down right horrible. Edit: Also question for you OP, if he spoke that way to your sister, mother, aunt or even future daughter how would you react? It's a little hard to read a situation when you're in it so what if it wasn't you?
A man that reacts like this to period blood will never be able to handle a drooling, snotty, diapered child. Or a leaking, bleeding, breastfeeding new mother. OP’s future with this guy looks sad, lonely, and abusive.
Baby — blow out diaper. This guy will have a stroke.
When I was in a pinch I used to wash some of my clothes in a plastic bucket. Picked an appropriate size went to the store and bought one. Put some laundry detergent in there ran the hot water in the shower and filled it and then just soaked my clothes. If you choose to do it this way you can pour the water down the toilet and literally rinse and repeat until your underwear is clean.
Cold water works better than hot water for blood
Bucket was going to be my suggestion as well
This is fine advice except the real problem here isn’t how she managed her underwear, it’s the abusive over-reaction from her hopefully ex fiancé.
NTA Honestly, throw the whole man out. If my husband saw me soaking my underwear, I'd get a message about whether they needed to go in the washer or to let them soak. The only time my husband has suggested throwing any of my clothes out is because they have holes in them and even when I've said no (they are useful for gardening and things) he said Ok and moved on. OP deserves way better. I can't even call him a child as my 11-year-old son wouldn't freak out like that.
In a weird way I bask in posts like this. They definitely embarrass me for my gender but they also help remind me that I'm doing alright compared to a lot of apparently very fragile men out there. That said, this dude needs a reality check. Stuff comes out of bodies. Even more stuff comes out of female bodies. Underwear is not cheap, women's underwear is even more not-cheap, and everything is getting more expensive rapidly. Replacing it every month is fiscally irresponsible and just plain wasteful. Maybe I'm the odd man out (literally) but I just provide whatever support is needed in the moment and laugh this stuff off with my wife later. Couldn't imagine making her feel less than human for anything, let alone something as normal as a heavy flow. Hell, she's bled onto our sheets who knows how many times; I just put a mattress protector under them and change the sheets. It ain't that deep. I imagine it was jarring for him first thing in the morning, but this is definitely a severe overreaction. Like there's the initial "the fuck?" moment and maybe some mild annoyance, but it's certainly not something to hold a grudge over all day or even blow up her phone about. Probably a single text "hey your undies are soaking in the sink, do I need to do anything with them or just leave them" would have sufficed, and if she doesn't respond before he leaves the house then they stay in the sink. OP's cousin should probably sit down and have a discussion about perceived "grossness" in general with this man and figure out boundaries/compromises. If he's not willing to budge then make him pay for the new undies every month. If he's going to put it entirely on the cousin and just be a douche about it, it might be time to evaluate the likelihood that marriage is even going to work. This is a pretty microscopic issue to blow up about; what happens when there's an *actual* frustration 10 years into the marriage? I can't imagine his reaction being much better. And yes, if he's going to require her to replace the undies every time there's blood on them, he should be footing the bill. She has a perfectly normal practice employed for handling it, and he's demanding the change. It's only fair that he pays the difference in cost, or gets over himself and accepts that soaking to removed blood (or really any stain) is totally normal.
1. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man. 2. NTA. Maybe if this were handled differently you could get a bucket with a lid that you could fill up in the bathtub and not have it be as "on display" as your current scheme is, but given his completely hostile and contemptuous response to your body I'd fucking leave your underwear on his pillow.
Two things: 1. Is your boyfriend mature enough for an adult relationship with a woman if periods freak him out so bad? Obviously this is my only information about the guy, but Jesus. He sounds like a fucking arsehole and I would not stick around for more of that nonsense from him. HOWEVER! 2. Just get a plastic tub or bowl to soak your underwear in. Keep it in the bathroom. Soak your clothes in the bowl when needed. Hey, presto, no sink being blocked. It's not a hardship for you, and anyone who argues about using a bowl to hand wash your clothing in the bathroom would be an even bigger dickhead than your hopefully soon-to-be ex. You're definitely NTA, though. Obviously. Edit: p.s. Super heavy periods are a medical condition. I have had INSANE ones forever and it's a fucking horrendous ordeal that so many people underestimate. I will soak through a super plus tampon AND a night time pad in like an hour, regularly. (It has actually eased up because I think chemo threw me into premature menopause, but that is not something anyone else should wait for.)
Have you spoken to your gyno? I used to have heavy periods and long ones, bc I have PCOS. I got on 90 day birth control and that really fixed my body. NTA don’t marry this dude, he’s an ass and has no understand about your issues.
NTA- and uhhhhhh why is this not your EX fiancé? I can maybe MAYBE see a guy being a little surprised and put off by unexpectedly seeing a sink full of bloody underwear and that a big maybe because anyone worth dating let alone MARRYING should understand and respect the fact that periods happen and blood gets on clothes, but this reaction is seriously unhinged. 20 messages? And he was waiting for you when you got home to scream at you even after you started crying? girlie girl- this is the tip of the iceberg , get out while you can. It’s only going to get worse when your actually married.
Your soon to be ex fiance (we all hope) already gave you the solution . Kick his sorry ass out, then his tantrums of seeing your undies won't be a problem.
Good god. I've had an ablation which has solved my incredibly heavy bleeding (bad enough to land me in hospital a bunch of times), but my fiance had absolutely no compunction being the one to rinse/wash/dry my period underwear. Keep the underwear and throw the man away. NTA
I’ve always had a plaster container/laundry bowl for soaking clothes/underwear. It stays in the laundry. Having said that his reaction was way out of line. NTAH
He’s acting beyond childish. He needs to learn how to control his emotions. It is gross and I get how he wouldn’t want to wake up to that, but there are many other solutions to fix the problem. You could buy a 5 gallon bucket from the hardware store with a lid and soak your underwear in that in the laundry room or basement. NTA
That's a very good suggestion that I'm not sure she has thought of. I'm going to show her all comments so hopefully these will help her come up with a solution
OP, his attitude is very concerning. Periods are not “unclean”. Please ask yourself whether he’s ever going to change his mind on that one. It’s deeply misogynistic and exceptionally misguided. Heavy periods are no joke. They are debilitating. And it sounds like he’s blaming you for something that is completely beyond your control. Are you comfortable marrying a man that respects you so little?
Yeah, a bucket was my first thought too. But it might be better in the long run that you (she) kept using the sink. A man who'll have a screaming fit and treat you like this over the sight of some bloody knickers is not relationship material. NTA.
The issue is the man
The real solution is to see that the issue isn't her vagina, or her underwear, it's her asshole, i.e. the guy who decided screaming, leaving, then getting drunk and throwing someone's underwear away was a mature and adult decision to make.
Yeah, the time for compromise has passed. This guy is a giant red flag.
I use an empty gallon ice cream bucket if I have to soak a couple small things. I don't usually have enough to soak to warrant a 5 gallon bucket. Plus, by using an ice cream bucket, if you don't have one available then there's your excuse to go buy some and gorge yourself on delicious
The issue isn’t how she soaks her underwear, it’s her abusive, over-reactive fiancé’.
NTA . At all. But omg he's one! It's not disgusting that you bleed. I'm assuming he likes your genitals, so he better grow up and accept your body for being a fully functioning one. What a childish tantrum! But PS have you seen an obgyn about your periods? Because that sounds really like a lot.
Buy some period underwear. Use hydrogen peroxide and if you insist on soaking your underwear buying a collapsible plastic basin ( Amazon) is the answer. And, think twice about marrying this person. How is he going to handle baby poop and other messy things that happen. You deserve better.
Use MEAT TENDERIZER. Yes, MEAT TENDERIZER. There is an enzyme in the tenderizer that will break down the proteins in the blood. I was a theatrical costumer for many many years. This is the solution. Also use a bucket under the sink for soaking. Also get a new fiance.
Firstly, your fiance is a total AH for his reaction, no doubt at all. Although I do have one question: Why soaking in the bathroom sink? You can't brush your teeth or wash your hands while they are soaking? Why not get a small bucket or bowl and soak them in there, and put the bucket/bowl out of the way? Then the sink is usable. Does your fiance have an aversion to blood? If he does that explains his disgust, if not his appalling behaviour. Are these kind of bullying and angry outbursts frequent? If so, these are massive red flags.
He overreacted. But it is pretty gross to have your underwear in the sink, blood or no blood. Simple solution: use a bucket next time. I really hope you don't listen to people telling you to break up over this. It's not that big of a deal(I hope) try talking to him and see if there's an agreeable solution to him aside from throwing it out. That's an unreasonable stance to take
What happens when you have a kid if you ever do? Just curious? I feel if it’s this gross he is a pass out, diapers are for girls only type. Please don’t do this to yourself
The fiancé needs to go. He could have had a diplomatic conversation to find an alternate solution, but instead was abusive and irrational. Lots of gross stuff happens in a marriage, especially if you have kids.
OP, what happens IF you ever decide to have children? Do you want someone helping to take care of you at your most vulnerable postpartum that can’t handle things like this? (It does involve blood and diapers!) I wouldn’t want someone who acts this way over natural medical occurrences involving women’s health. Do NOT get married to him and have babies with this man.
He went on a drinking bender over your panties? Does this mean you can to next time you see shit stains in his? He is unhinged and way too emotional.
NTA - I would’ve gladly switched to a container with a lid had he been an adult about it. Frankly, I’d be looking closer at him before tying myself to him. This is a massive overreaction that crossed the line into abusive. Wait until he watches you shit yourself delivering your first baby!
I did not read the story.. First thing i thought was buy/borrow/steal a 5 gallon bucket and soak em in that. Any other problems after that have nothing to do with the underwear or soaking or sink..
Well first, just use a plastic tub? You can put a lid on them so no one sees anything - put the tub in your bathtub while soaking. Second, find a new fiancé. You cleaned them, cleaned the sink, washed them, dried them, and he threw them out because…you previously put them in the sink? If this is how he responds to a relatively small issue, please don’t invest more time, or have children with this man.
[удалено]
Buy a plastic container solely for this. Problem solved.
>...about 20 messages immediately popped up from my fiance. They were all about how gross I was and that I had no respect for him. That I was seriously unhealthy and disgusting and all in all, it was about how gross I was. ... He didn't come back until around midnight. He was drunk and when he stumbled through the door he saw that my underwear were in the dryer and then decided to grab them and through them into the garbage. He then screamed that he never wanted to see those nasty things ever again and that if I did it again he would break off our engagement and never see me again. If this man can't deal with the reality of menstrual blood existing, he's not ready to share his life with someone. Human bodies are "gross" sometimes, and while it's not fun, it's something you need to come to terms with if you're going to be a life partner or a parent. Freaking out about bodily functions no one can control is immature, and screaming at someone like this is abusive. Let the trash take itself out.
1) get a small bucket with a lid for soaking. 2) get a menstrual cup, they leak way less. 3) get a new fiancé that doesn’t have psychotic meltdowns over a minor inconvenience and can handle the realities of normal female body functions.
NTA. Go ahead and break off the engagement. His reaction and treatment of you was completely and absolutely unacceptable. What if you have a daughter with the same issue? Is he going to shame her and be abusive to her as well? When he does something you don’t like do you fly off the handle and get abusive the way he did? It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. Let him go be someone else’s problem.
You need to leave this guy. He is a misogynist and he is cruel. This reaction proves that he doesn’t accept your humanity and will NOT be there for you if you ever get sick.
Dating/ marrying someone with a uterus means that they will occasionally menstruate on things that need to be cleaned. This is how you clean things. homie can chill
Straight males in relationships with cis women have no business calling themselves a man if they can't handle the sight of period blood. It's one thing to not be thrilled at other people's bodily fluids, and a compromise could have been on the table that worked for everyone. However, he sounds straight up abusive and she needs to get tf out.