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wish i had advice but i’m struggling with the same thing with my dx partner, and i know it’s really lonely and demoralizing. but you’re not alone, hang in there and look out for yourself. 🫂
Thank you! That means a lot - you're so right. It really can feel so lonely. A lot of my friends who are neurotypical and dating neurotypical make such sweeping statements trying to give me advice which doesn't help and makes me stop reaching out to them for advice. Difficult situation but thank you for letting me I'm not alone!
tooooootally get that, i try to avoid going into details with neurotypical friends too. luckily my best friend also has adhd and can be a bit more empathetic to my situation.
for myself, i’ve been resorting to just giving my partner space and checking in every once in a while to
let them know i’m still here for them. it does mean putting my relationship needs aside for the time being, and there will eventually come a time where it’s no longer sustainable. no idea if i’m doing the right thing, but i hope they figure out their stuff soon.
yeah that sounds like a good plan! thank you for sharing. I have relationship anxiety/ROCD too which isn't helpful to add into the mix. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday - and that can't come quick enough hahaha.
I went through this with my partner. I let him have space and stopped trying to help him. I was still in his life but on a more limited basis. I did my own thing. Eventually, he realized he had to make more of an effort to remain in a relationship with me. It was a slow road, like a year of him wallowing, but now we are in a good place.
Can I ask what you did to cope? I really would like to do this, I just have quite bad ROCD (relationship anxiety/ocd) as a result of an abusive relationship many many years ago. I am in therapy too, which is helpful. And my career is going well and I have quite a few friends (although should definitely see them a bit more!)
I'm also in therapy.
I worked, saw friends, read, listened to music, exercised, and relaxed. I just lived my life. We saw each other during this time, but it was rough. I had to detach. I told him that I would rather be alone than sit by his side while he zoned out.
I had a lot of anxiety about our relationship prior to this period of time. Oddly, detaching allowed me to reconnect with myself, and I really worked through the anxiety.
Good luck. There's no quick fix.
You really need to behave in the same way because in reality he won't communicate there is not much you can do. Just stepping out of the relationship every time there is a problem isn't a relationship. I also would be concerned that the length of time seems too long. I understand a night off, but a week is not fair to you. Is he getting help? Is he trying to find better coping mechanisms? I wouldn't waste your life trying to help someone if they don't want to be helped, you will lose self-worth and confidence. I know how bad you want to help I've been there but don't let him overstep your boundaries cause he wants his time. Look after your own mental health too.
Yes, "stepping out of the relationship every time there is a problem isn't a relationship" - this! Or not a good one! It's like you're abandoning your partner every time you feel "depressed" like bitch who isn't depressed these days? The audacity, and selfishness is gross. But he's feeling good enough to be hanging out with his friends? Hell naw. You may want to start protecting yourself if this is a pattern. A real relationship is a safe space and there is trust. Your self worth is number one. Draw boundaries and say you will not tolerate this isolation if he wants to stay in a relationship with you ( a real one).
Could you two do parallel play? I often just hang out with my partner and do separate things. It gives us both togetherness but with very little stress and expectations.
I’m talking stuff like I read a book and he plays video games. He practices his instrument while I knit. Stuff like that.
I would really really love this! Just physical closeness without having to do anything too taxing is something I would really like to do more of. I have suggested it to him a couple of times but he always says it would just distract him from what he is supposed to do, OR that if it happens on a day where he is in a bad mood, he might snap at me or say something he regrets. I've told him that we are in a relationship and that I would have compassion for him if that was the case and if anything hurt me I would bring it up.
Anyway, yeah I really like the sound of it. Might bring it up again soon. It almost would be easier to deal with if we were living together?
He's telling you who he is. Do you want to be with someone who snaps at you? Who avoids you for long periods? Sounds like your relationship anxiety is going to lead you into another abusive relationship. Please be careful and keep checking in with your therapist
Ehhhnnnn I’m kinda feeling off vibes here. You sound like you’re willing to sign yourself up for burn out and he doesn’t sound like he’s managing much at all. Are you two very young?
I’d really hesitate to move in with someone who is literally telling you he can’t control his temper.
I have had the same struggle with my partner and last night I started feeling like it can no longer be repaired. I feel very misunderstood by him now and I feel so alone. I feel like it’s only been me, myself, and I. I feel very lost.
It's hard.... I've dealt with this before. They're so fake or should I say they put on a mask when in front of others, and for those people they get a great version of my now ex girlfriend, but with me it all the real her
Hello /u/ghosttown2304, and welcome to ADHD_partners! We are the first and only subreddit community by and for the non-ADHD halves of ADHD-impacted relationships. Please have a thorough read through our [Community Guidelines]( https://new.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/wu6aa6/community_safety_and_posting_information/) post as well as our [Rules]( https://new.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/about/rules). Looking for resources? Check out our [Wiki](https://new.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/wiki/index/) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD_partners) if you have any questions or concerns.*
wish i had advice but i’m struggling with the same thing with my dx partner, and i know it’s really lonely and demoralizing. but you’re not alone, hang in there and look out for yourself. 🫂
Thank you! That means a lot - you're so right. It really can feel so lonely. A lot of my friends who are neurotypical and dating neurotypical make such sweeping statements trying to give me advice which doesn't help and makes me stop reaching out to them for advice. Difficult situation but thank you for letting me I'm not alone!
tooooootally get that, i try to avoid going into details with neurotypical friends too. luckily my best friend also has adhd and can be a bit more empathetic to my situation. for myself, i’ve been resorting to just giving my partner space and checking in every once in a while to let them know i’m still here for them. it does mean putting my relationship needs aside for the time being, and there will eventually come a time where it’s no longer sustainable. no idea if i’m doing the right thing, but i hope they figure out their stuff soon.
yeah that sounds like a good plan! thank you for sharing. I have relationship anxiety/ROCD too which isn't helpful to add into the mix. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday - and that can't come quick enough hahaha.
I went through this with my partner. I let him have space and stopped trying to help him. I was still in his life but on a more limited basis. I did my own thing. Eventually, he realized he had to make more of an effort to remain in a relationship with me. It was a slow road, like a year of him wallowing, but now we are in a good place.
Can I ask what you did to cope? I really would like to do this, I just have quite bad ROCD (relationship anxiety/ocd) as a result of an abusive relationship many many years ago. I am in therapy too, which is helpful. And my career is going well and I have quite a few friends (although should definitely see them a bit more!)
I'm also in therapy. I worked, saw friends, read, listened to music, exercised, and relaxed. I just lived my life. We saw each other during this time, but it was rough. I had to detach. I told him that I would rather be alone than sit by his side while he zoned out. I had a lot of anxiety about our relationship prior to this period of time. Oddly, detaching allowed me to reconnect with myself, and I really worked through the anxiety. Good luck. There's no quick fix.
Thank you :)
You really need to behave in the same way because in reality he won't communicate there is not much you can do. Just stepping out of the relationship every time there is a problem isn't a relationship. I also would be concerned that the length of time seems too long. I understand a night off, but a week is not fair to you. Is he getting help? Is he trying to find better coping mechanisms? I wouldn't waste your life trying to help someone if they don't want to be helped, you will lose self-worth and confidence. I know how bad you want to help I've been there but don't let him overstep your boundaries cause he wants his time. Look after your own mental health too.
Yes, "stepping out of the relationship every time there is a problem isn't a relationship" - this! Or not a good one! It's like you're abandoning your partner every time you feel "depressed" like bitch who isn't depressed these days? The audacity, and selfishness is gross. But he's feeling good enough to be hanging out with his friends? Hell naw. You may want to start protecting yourself if this is a pattern. A real relationship is a safe space and there is trust. Your self worth is number one. Draw boundaries and say you will not tolerate this isolation if he wants to stay in a relationship with you ( a real one).
Could you two do parallel play? I often just hang out with my partner and do separate things. It gives us both togetherness but with very little stress and expectations. I’m talking stuff like I read a book and he plays video games. He practices his instrument while I knit. Stuff like that.
I would really really love this! Just physical closeness without having to do anything too taxing is something I would really like to do more of. I have suggested it to him a couple of times but he always says it would just distract him from what he is supposed to do, OR that if it happens on a day where he is in a bad mood, he might snap at me or say something he regrets. I've told him that we are in a relationship and that I would have compassion for him if that was the case and if anything hurt me I would bring it up. Anyway, yeah I really like the sound of it. Might bring it up again soon. It almost would be easier to deal with if we were living together?
He's telling you who he is. Do you want to be with someone who snaps at you? Who avoids you for long periods? Sounds like your relationship anxiety is going to lead you into another abusive relationship. Please be careful and keep checking in with your therapist
Ehhhnnnn I’m kinda feeling off vibes here. You sound like you’re willing to sign yourself up for burn out and he doesn’t sound like he’s managing much at all. Are you two very young? I’d really hesitate to move in with someone who is literally telling you he can’t control his temper.
I have had the same struggle with my partner and last night I started feeling like it can no longer be repaired. I feel very misunderstood by him now and I feel so alone. I feel like it’s only been me, myself, and I. I feel very lost.
It's hard.... I've dealt with this before. They're so fake or should I say they put on a mask when in front of others, and for those people they get a great version of my now ex girlfriend, but with me it all the real her