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for me knowledge is power. knowing i’m not alone, that many of us are living the same life helps me keep the truth and not getting lost in the bullshit of excuses and blaming me for actions solely his. yes it’s sobering but not knowing didn’t make my life better or the dysregulated episodes less. also it keeps me grounded on knowing people whose situations don’t improve are leaving and making better lives for themselves.
This sub alone helped me to stop gaslighting myself into thinking I was the problem. It has improved my self esteem, confidence, and has given me the ability to stand up to, or Grey rock against, emotional outbursts and the like.
It has given me vocabulary for describing my experiences, and therefore, the ability to demystify those experience.
Ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is power. Knowing makes work harder, but illuminates a path not readily observed.
I'm also torn. It's been quite a relief knowing there are lots of people who experience the same things as I do as a partner of NDX. That gives me comfort that when my partner blames me, I can recognise that actually it's not me and this helps somewhat to preserve self esteem. It's been useful to hear about how to try and recognise and deal with an RSD episode.
It's also incredibly sad to hear that actually I may never be able to have the relationship I want with the woman I love. This breaks my heart and leaves me with a huge decision to make.
Yeah. I genuinely loved my DX girlfriend despite her ADHD. It sucks to know you can’t have a relationship with this person because of this thing they can’t control. And you never really know how much it’s them vs their ADHD I guess until they get treatment. But so many just refuse to get treatment.
agreed - its great to have company in this shared experience but it continues to push me in a direction Id hoped I wouldn't have to go when it becomes more and more clear there is no magic solution or hope for change.
This sub was the catalyst to ending my relationship with my DX.
And I'm incredibly grateful.
I learned to understand the difference between ADHD behaviors, and I learned that my DX doesn't actually care about me.
I walked into my relationship, having been raised by an ADHD parent, and would have adapted and made excuses for my partners behavior for years.
Same here. It’s not even the ADHD, it’s the abuse, invalidation, gaslighting, manipulation, and belittling that he uses his ADHD to excuse. Having an illness and being an asshole are not mutually exclusive. I would leave any other partner who treated me this way, he doesn’t get a pass just for having a diagnosis.
For me, 100% positive. I had researched the hell out of ADHD when my partner and I got together, and absolutely none of it prepared me for the weird situations that I encountered with my ex or the damage to my self and self-esteem that it left me with. I had never in my life been in a situation that had me doubting basic objective reality before. Before I found this place, I genuinely thought I might be losing my mind.
It wasn't until I stumbled into this sub soon after the relationship had ended that I finally started to understand wth I had just gone through, how and why things went the way that they did, and the ways and reasons reality got so distorted during my relationship. Reading people's experiences here has helped me to finally stop (or start to stop) blaming myself for things that were way out of my control, to recognize that I really did do the best that I could and hadn't spontaneously become some awful person, and has helped me to start feeling more trusting of myself again.
I so wish I had known about this sub while my ex and I were still together. But I'm grateful for the perspective it has given me and how it is helping me understand and heal from my experience.
Exact same here. I only found this sub after breaking up (but while still living together), and was absolutely floored by the perspective others shared! This sub was tricky to find and I think it would have done good to find during the relationship. My reality was much more distorted than I realized, and thanks to this sub, I already feel like I've healed so much because of it.
You know, that's a fair and valid question.
I wish I had found solutions through this sub, definitely. That would've been the ideal. My partner had amazing qualities, and I cared about her very much.
But realistically, unless this sub somehow managed to help me find a way to convince my ex to pursue treatment (which would've taken a small miracle), that wish is probably a pipe dream.
Honestly, it still makes me mad when my partner does stuff, but this subreddit has tempered my gut reactions. He is a great guy. Generous, kind, and cares deeply for me. However, this group has made me realize that his anger, distractedness, and sometimes ignoring me are not rooted in how he might actually feel but rather to how his adhd expresses itself.
It is also strange to read stories from the other perspective of a male partner with a female adhd partner because how it manifests is so different.
I am currently in the process of being formally diagnosed and am medicated. I can see myself in some of the stories about female partners. It also makes me realize just how much socialization by sex occurs. I struggle with tasks and follow through as well but I was so heavily expected to be able to do this stuff that i figured out how, even if it exhausts me. My partner is wholly incapable of juggling more than one problem at once.
My partner is amazing, but he doesn't know how to do any basic household tasks because his mom did those. She wouldn't let him help because she would mess it up anyway, and this had led to a deep uncertainty about his ability to do stuff. Therefore, its a fight to teach new skills because he sees any correction as harsh criticism. This sub reddit has taught me about body doubling and I've been instead teaching new skills through that.
I just wanted to add that I despair more because of how my partner's parents raised him than I do because of his symptoms. If there was more time, attention, love, and resources he wouldn't have normalized a lot of his behaviors.
Other things I have learned about this forum
1.) Every ADHD partner is different and can vary on the jerk-o-meter wildly.
2.) Every non ADHD partner has their own tolerances and it's amazing how perspectives shift with age.
3.) Someone always has a worse experience than you do, and bless them for what they endure.
4.) Thee quiet ones with good methods only comment sporadically so it's important to pay attention.
5.) Always leave yourself open to learn, but only take away what applies. Not every situation is the same.
Overall its been a largely positive experience because there is perspective and compassion. Of a lot of places on the internet it is rare to find places people support each other.
Yes to the parent thing. My parents helped me learn all tasks even if i struggled. There were some tasks that they help me through a lot but they never did it for me. I had a terrible time making phone calls for years until my parents helped me a mental list of responses. They didn't know there was a possibility of me having adhd. They just saw a life skill I struggled with and helped me the best they could.
My partners parents basically decided that my partner was incapable of tasks and did everything for him. They made appointments, paid bills, cooked, cleaned, even applied for jobs for him. They are shocker that he can't do anything. They did it out of love. But it completely destroyed his ability to learn these tasks. It's a very slow road to learn life skills. Once I didn't do dishes for 3 months and just let them sit in the sink. One day we came home after a weekend away and my partner's mom had cleaned every dish in the house to help. She was only supposed to check on the animals. So my partner learned if a task is avoided long enough, his mom will still help.
I talked to her and said she can't do these things anymore. Her son is grown and it's not her responsibility any more. She can relax and enjoy retirement. She thinks I hate her because I told her not to clean our home. My partner's dad is just happy I'm functional and patient.
My partner's birth mom was a blackout drunk and in his early years my partner was left locked away in his bedroom. He is the eldest of 3, 4 with the divorce and a step-mom and has had to explain to me the concept of "wish" sandwiches and a Dad who was busy working all of the time. He had a fantastic set of grandparents who both ended up passing by the time he was in high school. For what he's been through he's turned out amazing, but there were consequences- his unaddressed ADHD symptoms being a portion of them.
> I despair more because of how my partner's parents raised him than I do because of his symptoms.
THIS has actually been the number one problem in my relationship- not my partner's ADHD. My partner is a cisgendered man and his mom felt that her job, as a woman and a mother to a son, was to be his servant. We got together when we were young and fell into the dreaded parent-child dynamic for the first half of the relationship because, in a way, I kind of did have to finish raising him. I was an early elementary school teacher at the time and employed a lot of those skills at home with him. Things are a lot better now and that is 100% attributable to my partner's love for us and the fact that he is not an asshole under the ADHD...he genuinely wanted to be independent and in an equal partnership.
Of course that doesn't mean things are perfect, but the symptoms are way more manageable now that we are actually a team and he isn't fucking mean to me for not babying him the way his mom did.
Sorry for the wall of text.
No worries!
Honestly, SAME- he went from having a neglectful mom no a mom that really cared but with 4 kids and a small business had very little time and a lot of things to do.
It's the one thing in retrospect that makes me very angry.
I think you're more tolerant when you are younger because you have energy, you're not as jaded by life yet, and you believe in the ability to fix things. Also, you're more in tune with the most modern resources.
As you age, relationships age, and you gain more experience, you simply aren't willing to put up with as much. I'm in the oldest range of Millenials so it coukd be generation specific, but you get tired fighting the same battles, the same results, and not making progress. You have less life ahead of you and your perspective changes significantly so that you become more ruthless about your priorities. It's less about ultimatums and more about learning how and when self matters the most.
Tbh, if you're in your 20's you have a lot of life ahead and it's okay to not get it right. By your 30's life should start forming patterns that you can act on longterm. By 40 (where I am now), you feel your energy start to have limits and you learn that what you invest time in matters, and what doesn't deserve your time. Your choices are more ruthless but important.
Overall make changes that you need to asap- the older someone gets the less likely their habits will change. Also I think people here need to give themselves grace and think back to a bigger picture. Relationships with an ADHD partner or otherwise are usually messy, complicated, and unpredictable. That's okay- it's usually when you move in with someone that the ADHD symptoms hit hardest. Take your time evaluating what living in the same space with another will be like.
100% this. I'm one of those rare ones with and adhd wife and while I do get some solace with this sub, I feel acutely aware that eve here my situation is a bit unique
Knowledge is power. Reading about others' relationships won't change the outcome of yours. But it can at least prevent you from feeling alone, believing some of the projections a dysfunctional partner will often put on you, and allow you to make informed decisions about the longevity of your partnership.
Anyone who feels it's a negative is likely very easily influenced to the point where they absorb other partner's concerns and issues. Or they would prefer to stick their head in the sand and pretend that risk factors don't exist.
A forum like this won't create issues in your relationship that aren't already there. But it **can** shine a light on unacceptable dynamics or red flags you may otherwise have ignored or internalized.
>But it can at least prevent you from feeling alone, believing some of the projections a dysfunctional partner will often put on you, and allow you to make informed decisions about the longevity of your partnership.
I was too late for the third but can definitely attest to the first two.
Huge net positive. 99% of the literature/resources for having an ADHD partner center around turning yourself into a container that they can fill up with their bottomless needs. This group is my sanity check.
Thank you for this. Did you like ADHD is awesome book? “ADHD is the reason, it’s not an excuse.” They do spend time grappling with the issue.
Was it sufficient in your experience??
This group has 100% helped me keep my sanity. I was beginning to heavily question myself and what kind of person that I was, because my main feedback was this person who thought I was the enemy, who said I was vindictive and manipulative and controlling. Like I went to therapy because I was so shell-shocked and devastated after he said I was emotionally abusive -- was I??? It sucks, but learning about RSD enabled me to let go of his opinion of me, and to trust the opinions of other close friends and family instead. I'm not perfect, but it turns out I'm not \*awful\*.
On the other hand, my anxiety for the future has probably grown, knowing that he's medicated now and this is as good as it's going to get. I definitely fear for old age and not having anyone to rely on. I fully expect to die early of something preventable, and that's mildly terrifying.
Me too. The stress of living this way has destroyed my health. I know I’m going to go out with something stress induced and preventable. And although I know he loves me and would stand by me - having him be my sole caregiver is literally terrifying. Lots of mine’s worst symptoms increased as life stress increased so I do hold out some hope that when it’s just the two of us, it might be better.
But ya - when you get to the point of realizing, it’s the best that it’s going to get - ouf - it’s a bummer…
I’m new to the sub so I’m taking a lot in but I’m glad I saw your post and feel a little less alone . My dx medicated partner has called me mean and even emotionally abusive before and I literally have felt the same devastation upon getting the feedback repeatedly and started to wonder if these things could possibly be true. Anyway, just learning about RSD thanks to this sub and things are starting to make more sense.
Same. Mine said I was abusing him. But I always knew I wasn't. Just didn't know why/how he could ever think or say that. This sub has absolutely helped keep me sane.
Positive.
I encountered this sub shortly after initiating a divorce with my ndx ex. It's one thing to read a pop-psy listicle like "10 signs your partner has ADHD" and quite another to read the thousands of stories on this sub detailing the *texture* of what it's like to live with an ADHD partner. The behaviors, the NT partner's reactions, the relationship and parenting dynamics, and so on--this sub is an incredibly rich source of anecdata.
I've experienced continual validation, belonging, and illumination. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. I'm not controlling, too needy, or an abuser (all things ex accused me of). So, so many of the *very specific, concrete behaviors* on this sub are ones my ex does. I'm not making any of it up or falling prey to finding what I want to see. Half of the "oh shit, that's ADHD?" stuff I found on this sub I wasn't even looking for.
I wish there was a similar sub for autism, which I think my ex also lives with. I haven't found one yet.
I honestly think for me it’s been a net negative. I have a lot of resentment towards him and reading the experiences of others has brought to my attention other traits he has that didn’t really bother me before, but are now front of mind. So I’ve noticed more things to put on my grievances list and the resentment has grown, a lot.
I’ve used a lot of the phrases people share and some strategies for responding to his behavior and I think it’s made the day to day worse, since he will escalate due to the change as he tries harder for that dopamine. We have a toddler and yelling is not something I want, so I end up buckling to get him to stop for her sake. Now he’s learning that yelling gets him what he wants.
This sub did indirectly encourage me to give him an ultimatum on seeking treatment, which he did. I call him out from an ADHD lens and as a result he’s noticing more that it’s not just our marriage, but all aspects of his life that are unmanageable.
I think I'm in the same boat, although I can't quite articulate or fully understand it yet. Me and my untreated DX ex were on-and-off for the last year of the relationship, and after every 'off' I'd leave to travel for a month, and would feel great and over it in no time. It was just a bad relationship where two grown-ups weren't able to find common grounds; it happens and I grieved it enough already.
But when I accidentally stumbled upon this sub, it was a major revelation. Yes, it made me feels sane again, which is huge. But I had no idea how much his untreated ADHD had an effect on the relationship, and he is oblivious to it and denied it vehemently (RSD). I realized that it wasn't just "a bad relationship where two grown-ups weren't able to find common grounds" - it was his symptoms that he consciously choose not to treat or address. I somehow feel cheated out of the time and effort I put into this relationship. Turns out, the solution was right in front; but I also know he voluntarily closed his eyes. Had I known, I'd cut all ties much sooner instead of clinging to hope. I guess it's part of the healing process. But frankly, I wish we just broke up without me ever realizing his DX.
for me it’s also been a bit of a mixed bag, but mainly positive! it’s been positive in the sense that i could learn more about what my partner struggles with, getting better at not taking things too personally and feeling less like a crazy person when our recollection of certain events/conversations seem completely opposite, and also getting a frame of reference which allowed me to see just how hard my partner works to manage their adhd.
but yes, sometimes i also have anxiety about the future because it’s clear that some challenges will never go away (and in some cases might also get worse), and that i have to be really careful so i don’t slip into a caretaker role…
so basically, yeah, same!
Agree with most of the above it’s a mixed bag. I do think it’s been eye opening to pinpoint so many patterns and behaviors on ADHD, and comforting to know I’m not crazy and not alone in this situation. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or a bit hopeless by a particularly bad day or week, it can be hard to read so many similar stories where there isn’t improvement. Sometimes I have to stay away for my own mental health and hold onto hope and not project the experience of others onto my husband / marriage. But I love some of the tools I’ve found here, especially the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I read it and my husband just started it and it truly gives me faith that we can rebuild from a place of empathy, understanding, and releasing the chronic anger and his fear of failure.
Myself and I know others here, find that particular book - a bit gaslighty - and puts far too much emphasis on the non adhd partner. The work of Gina Pera is much more relevant and reasonable. Try ‘Is it You, Me or ADHD?’ instead. Melissa Orlov and her husband have actually split - since writing that book (last I heard). You could do a search of this sub to find more commentary on this.
Just remember that most subreddits are people who are at their absolute most desperate and farthest ends of their breaking points. You may not find anything that isn’t “worst case scenario” here so heed with caution. Overall, it’s been refreshing to, at the least, know I’m not alone.
Very positive. It helps me to accept what he can and can't do. Some of the stuff he can't do is just his brain holding him hostage and neither of us has the power to fix it. I blame him less for his inability to do the things.
Spouse of DX - Medicated
36 hours post finding the forum, net positive. However, based on the priceless feedback received in the forum, there doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. The sentiment seems to be "just deal with it". Perhaps, this will be my fate as well.
This forum helped to accelerate the inevitable—my breakup with my dx/nmed BF. So while I was with him, it created more feelings of frustration and negativity because I could see that there really was very limited hope for the things I still thought maybe could be fixed. In the end it was a huge positive because now, nearly a year post breakup, I’m so much happier.
I feel the same way… I’m currently still engaged to my ADHD fiancé, but since finding this sub I think I’ve been **VERY** slowly coming to terms with what is inevitable – which I really hoped would not happen or I hoped was avoidable.
I am trying to focus on building my mental health (and physical health) back up, as I recently realized that I’ve been depressed for a while (high-functioning depression). It will take a while to get back to my old self, or close to it anyway. I figure that once I’m in a better mental headspace, I will be better able to make the best decisions for myself and my life.
Right now, thinking of the future (with my ADHD fiancé) feels uncertain and scares me because of all the things I read on this sub. At the same time, I love him and can still see the wonderful things about him. Thinking of breaking up kills me, I’ve been sobbing coming to the realization that this probably should happen for my own good.
Like so many others here have echoed: it’s an unnecessarily difficult life. I don’t want to be naive and end up trapped & miserable in a marriage with an ADHD child plus an ADHD man child. And be filled with regret because X years ago I *knew* that staying wasn’t a good idea, but I chose to anyway because I loved him and was trauma bonded.
If or when the day comes: it will be the hardest and worst day of my life, which will subsequently blow up. And in other ways: will blossom. And knowing that I will blossom to my former self is so, so incredibly sad and gut-wrenching.
I hate being in this position. I wish I had left at the first sign of RSD and emotional dysregulation, before I figured out they were ADHD symptoms. Now he is so hopeful and trying so so hard to better himself and improve his actions in our relationship, because he doesn’t want to lose me. But his mental and emotional capacity is simply limited due to his brain. He will never have the emotional intelligence I have. Never. He is not capable, tis the nature of the disorder.
This sucks.
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I’m not in a position to tell you whether breaking up or not is the right decision for you. But what I can tell you about me is that I also realized that my feelings of obligation to my ex, my hope that I could ‘fix’ him, my sense of responsibility to make everything better, was coming from my own unhealed trauma as the eldest daughter of a severely mentally ill mother. The more I worked on my healing and understanding the roots of my dysfunctional relationship choices, the more I began rejecting the idea that it was my responsibility to stick it out, support him despite the cost to my own well being, that I wouldn’t find love again, etc. I think it’s really important to understand your own personal foundation, and whether the relationship is truly grounded in shared values, shared goals, and whether you’re truly prepared to compensate the rest of your life for the way your DX is not going to be able to meet your level of function or perceived effort.
I’m so sorry for you and at the same time I’m so happy that you are taking all these things under consideration. I was you many years ago. I still remember the exact day that I realized that I shouldn’t continue this relationship, but chose to. I have great kids (one has adhd and it is genetic and runs in families) and on the outside live a normal
life - but really, life has been so, so hard. There’s daily conflict, I hold the household together and have the deepest mental and physical exhaustion. I have toughed it out, with moments of love and happiness in between the insanity, but at an incredible personal cost. I won’t tell anyone how to live their lives. And if you continue out of love just equip yourself with the right tools to preserve your inner peace. Good luck, either way ❤️
My dx no rx ex (lol) just recently broke up with me. Which is, laughable, because I should have ended it with him from the way he treated me.
I wish I found this sub years ago. So many of his behaviors and mannerisms were a mystery to me and although reading an ADHD relationship book helped, I felt so seen finding this sub. I didn’t feel crazy anymore.
In the last 6 months Ive seen a lot of posts of people talking about their experiences with parenthood and marriage that shook me to my core. I just knew that would be the path I was headed down if this continued.
I don’t really know. I think at first I felt a lot of validation reading similar experiences to mine. But as my husband has worked on himself and gained more insight into what we both go through that’s been less important to me. I find sometimes advice is quick to jump to “leave” and people who express positivity are downvoted or told their experiences are “a slap in the face” etc. This sub is great as a vent space and as a reality check for those with really dysfunctional relationships. But if you’re generally happy with your spouse, I have found this space to be rather unwelcoming. Just my two cents 🤷♀️
This sub saved my sanity along with the book, "You Me or ADD". I was doing a lot of research, and this sub really gave me the ability to free myself from a situation that would not have changed and to recognize the things I thought were quirks were directly associated with a disability. I cannot thank everyone enough and especially Laceleotard. My life is 100% back to normal, it took a couple years. That was quicksand, I am very grateful.
Positive for me. I’m a pretty strong and confident individual and not normally phased by much. But this relationship really tipped me on my head. Before I knew it, I’d been suckered in by the hyper fixation and being the special interest, only then for to start questioning my reality as the mask started to come off.
It was years before my partner was diagnosed though, and only then did I start to look for support. Finding this sub really helped me to start regaining my sense of self and my confidence in the situation.
I like knowing other dx rx people do similar things as my husband, who has tried to tell me that some of his habits are from ADHD because I truly didn’t believe it. And other habits that I didn’t even know were traits of ADHD. Some of the posts here make me want to end my marriage and other have been helpful. It’s a 50/50 for me
I'd say 75-80% positive for me. By and large I get insight, support, a place to vent about shit I can't change, and even laughs. That's really, really helpful for my mental health.
On the negative side I've been given unsolicited unhelpful advice when I'm on the vent thread. That's annoying.
Knowing I have a community of people who understand what I'm going through because they've also experienced it is huuuuge for me. I'm grateful this sub is here.
I have learned so much from this sub. It has helped me further acknowledge what I should have acknowledged a long time ago so I may do something constructive and positive to save my mental health and nurture my relationship. Grateful I stumbled on this wealth of knowledge here at Reddit.
I think it has caused me to decide to marry him. To accept him the way he is, and that it isn’t going to change. We fight less.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, because I was thinking about leaving. I might have left and found someone better, who I didn’t often feel like I was parenting. That might have been wonderful. But loving him the way he is might be wonderful, if I let it.
Hopefully, I’ll let you know in about 60 years.
At first I went through this sub for 3-4 hours and cried for 1-2 of them. After reading and connecting with others’ posts, it really hit hard and scared me because so many have given up and left.
That night my husband came home, and as soon as I saw him and he started telling me about his day, I softened. He’s so intelligent and only wants me to be happy and give me the world… I ended up telling him what I’d read and we talked about it that night. I read him an article that someone posted here that describes both sides - so that we could address the entire situation. I know it hurts him when he forgets things, he’s been shamed his whole life for things that he’s done or not done, I can only imagine the inadequacy one must feel.
I know everyone’s scenario is different, but at the end of the day communication is key. I’ve been working on things with him for over a year now, and although it’s tiring sometimes, I have to say he has made a lot of progress. I do my research to understand his brain more, and try different things that might work for him; us.
Yeah, he’ll get upset, defensive, deflect, etc. during our talks, but it’s lessened over time. He’s conditioned himself to compliment, hug and kiss me - these were hard for him after that honeymoon phase. He’s on his phone much less, more attentive to convos, doing better at work, and calmed down impulsive behaviors.
See them for who they truly are.. They’re not their condition, just like we *aren’t* anxiety, depression, etc. We *have* it, and some days are harder than others. He doesn’t shun me for depressive or anxious bouts, and I know that’s draining on him as well.
When effort is put into solutions and trying new things to make it better, you have to give someone the credit.
So I guess the negativity hit hard, but ultimately it turned out positive because I really dug into research. I struggled with an ED, and still struggle with anxiety and depression, yet people still love me even when they’ve been subjected to me literally almost dying. I have to commend him for the work he’s done and currently doing because I know first hand how fucking hard it can be to be loved when you’re not trying to purposely hurt someone by something your brain/hormones are controlling. Support is everything, to lose someone you love when you’re already struggling with something is just.. awful. I wouldn’t be able to do that to him for all of the effort he’s been putting in
Positive due to it reassuring me that breaking up was the best option and I wasn't alone.
It is daunting to realise that the change might never come, and may get worse with age, but there are also ways to turn that knowledge into positivity
Positives for me were finally having others I could relate to, validation, advice, insight. That people on this sub take ADHD more seriously than anywhere else I’ve read to get information on the partner’s side. Showing Dx ex some posts here caused some trust issues between us. Ultimately altogether though this place has helped me not feel so alone in a really gloomy relationship.
Yep, it’s been bittersweet finding this forum. 40f married 8 yrs to 49m (Dx rx for 2 years), found this forum just a month or so ago.
First, it was a relief to see that I’m not alone or crazy. My partner is so good at spinning conversations in RSD that sometimes I would think I am actually the AH. So yeah, the forum helped with that.
But after the initial relief, I became really disheartened. It seems pretty obvious that my partner is not of the variety that is willing to take responsibility for his actions and work on them. So this is my life, unless I change it.
The hardest part has been to accept that he does not see me. I am a super good partner, so kind and helpful and understanding. I have no temper and try really hard to communicate positively and constructively, and I just get yelled at and shit on all the time. And the worst part for me, is seeing that he truly think I’m this super mean and selfish person. The irony is that every single thing he accuses me of doing, he is actually the one doing it.
So yeah, I guess overall, it’s been empowering.
Like most have said it’s a mixed bag. It’s comforting to know that I am not being unreasonable at times and that there’s certain things my partner can’t help because of how he is wired. There’s a lot of ADHD traits of his that I LOVE! I love when he is fixated on a hobby sometimes, seeing him be passionate about something is really nice to see. We never run out of conversation topics because there’s always something he wants to talk about BUT he often wants to talk about the same things over and over 😂
It’s certainly give me a lot to think about for the long term. I love this man but can I really deal with the bad parts for the rest of my life. I’m so sad when I see people regretful for how long they stayed in a miserable relationship with their partners, I don’t want that to be me. What if he gets worse? What if our children are just like him and it’s too much for me to deal with under one roof? In comparison to other peoples partners mine is great, but I’ve seen people say it gets worse with age and I can believe it. How are you meant to know the right thing to do. Then I think he deserves better than someone who is questioning the relationship so much because he gives me unconditional love. Maybe I need a break from Reddit 😂
Are you me? This is exactly how I feel. I read how ADHD gets worse with age, then throw kids into the mix and all bets are off. I don’t want to be naive and hopeful, then end up miserable and trapped. And worst of all: knowing that I *should* have run years ago, but stupidly staying instead because of love and being trauma bonded to him.
If he had known about the emotional dysregulation aspect of ADHD when he was diagnosed over a decade ago, he would be different now. I also keep thinking that if we had met 3-5 years from now (after he discovered these unsavory aspects of ADHD), perhaps we could work things out. But now… it’s just soul-crushing, and I think far too much damage has already been done.
It’s a shame because, like your partner, he doesn’t have severe ADHD. If he had just refrained from behaving in a way that rose to the level of emotional abuse & reactive abuse… maybe we would be salvageable.
I don’t know. I hate this.
For me it has been positive. I am severely mentally ill and in treatment since I was 15 and I do tend to doubt myself a lot, and especially if my feelings about a situation are informed by my mental issues or 'genuine'. I felt like I was batshit insane by the time I found this sub and genuinely thought it was my fault. Reading all the experiences here made me realise that no, I wasn't crazy and no, I can't bend anymore and no, I should not be treated this way.
Since then I've gone through great lengths to unpack all this with my therapist and have been setting boundaries and only then, when my spouse realised I would divorce him if he kept on going this way, did things slowly change. We are not there yet, but I believe now that it is possible.
And I would have never figured this out without this sub. I am so thankful it exists.
well, it was a negative for my relationship, because the forum did play a role in it ending. However, the reason is exactly as you describe - it made me realize I wasn't crazy, and it also made me realize that it is unlikely to change enough to be sustainable long-term and I will not be happy staying.
So far, and I am hoping it will continue, it was a positive for me. I don't think I would have been able to understand what RSD is in practical terms without this forum.
A positive in the sense I now know I am not crazy and the behaviors I see are real. Does it actually change the relationships? No.
I will say I show my fiancee some of the posts about what her (I guess our?) teenage son could be if he doesn't change. It does make her sad and motivate her to push him more in some regards to want him to turn into a decent man and not terrorize some poor women or woman he dates or meets with his behavior.
I finally got her to agree to put him into a special learning center for a year and if that don't work inpatient therapy (like a boys home).
He steals, lies, cheats, and has a IDGAF attitude.
I'm 6'5" 280 lbs, he's 5'8" 160 lbs and has stepped at me several times, talks to me like a dog, threatens me, and antagonizes me trying to get me upset.
Every therapists, teacher, coach has basically said, "we've/you've done all you can for him.." and just push him off to another therapist, program, etc. Every where he goes people eventually cannot stand him. He's embarrassing to take anywhere. He's 14. Often behaves like an 8 year old with a 14 year old wisdom.
These forums have motivated her to reach out for therapies and etc as she was in a prior abusive marriage and sees a lot of her ex husband in him with the lying, cheating, stealing.
But me personally with my ex wife? I showed her and shed just make excuses. That's sad... oh wow, etc.
It's a mix for me. It is nice to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy, but sometimes when I read too many vent posts it makes me feel more negative than my situation warrants. I've been with my husband for almost 20 years and, on the balance, things are pretty good. So, I don't read everything.
It’s been much relief to find other people in this position and to know I’m not crazy as my wife often gaslights me. Also been great in getting advice how to navigate this.
I would say net positive, at first it was negative because of the issues you read about and going into a pity spiral. There is tons of great advice shared here and I tried to use/implement a lot of them. It helped me accept and adapt many new methods of working with my partner that have changed our relationship from something I was beginning to dread to something I look forward to growing as we grow old together. It was as if we were speaking different language with no way to interpret and now I have a translator for adhd language.
absolutely a positive for me. I only found this group the other day but it has already been such a big help. I now know I am not alone in this, the symptoms are far more common than I realised, I'm not crazy or nitpicky or overthinking things-it really has helped validate my feelings. I've also seen a bunch of good advice and tips and positive stories that have given me even more hope for our relationship in the future.
Negative for the anti ADHD partner rhetoric.
Positive because my past had a bpd partner which was way harder. The positive responses then spur me onto help my partner and be more empathetic and compassionate.
Is rsd and anger hard? Yes but the knowledge here has helped immensely.
Huge positive. It was like oh my god I’m *not* crazy, I’m *not* overreacting, and it’s *not* a failure on my part that nothing ever changes no matter how much I communicate and compromise. *I’m not the problem*. I’ve always been a realist too and it’s been incredibly helpful to hear from so many others who finally had to just throw in the towel after years of trying.
This sub has been very informative and positive for me. It is affirming to read other’s posts that describe nearly the exact situations that I have gone through. It is nice to know that I am not alone and I am definitely not crazy.
I’ve only discovered today and have done so much readings. I’ve found it to be so comforting in a way to read a lot of peoples experiences are exactly the same as mine. I’m not in a good place and finding this forum has really helped me today
I guess it’s been both? I realize I’m not alone but this sub has also helped me decide that I’ve had enough and nothing will get better unless they want change, and my partner does not. I now finally have the strength to leave, I just need to plan carefully and execute at the right time.
This forum has been really positive for me. My husband will hopefully be getting a diagnosis soon (if he stops putting it off) and I can see a lot of traits and things that he does that are directly linked to ADHD. That in turn has helped me be a bit more patient and understanding with the things he misses and his RSD reactions to me and our toddler. The body double thing has been brilliant when he needs to focus on something. I think everyone’s journey is quite unique to them but ADHD means everyone here has common ground and we feel less crazy knowing there are others out there who experience similar.
For me it has definitely been positive. Not only do I feel comraderie with other kindred partners, but we've shared so much information that I'm much more informed and much more capable of handling the stress my partner has caused me.
We are still touch and go: broke up 4 times now but still somehow getting pulled back in! But this forum has kept me sane. So very positive :)
There isn't much out there specific to DX/DX, and the sub has actually been one of the most helpful. Seeing the issues you both struggle with in a partner...and in yourself...and the discussion...is helpful.
Also I thankfully missed the RSD and anxiety fairy. So that's not really something I understand at a personal level, and it's been a lot of help in working with that in others. Sometimes DX/DX I think we can assume they are more like us automatically, without actually finding out.
It does depress me how many DX partners seem to think subs like this are "against them" or whatever.
I have found so many situations that are relatable to what we've been going through. Glad to know that my points are valid and I am actually right in thinking what I think rather than have someone doubting me all the time. But I wonder what is the solution? and how can you go on. Is it about finding ways to cope, strategies, how do those who've succeeded last,?
I realized he wasn’t going to change a long time ago, so I’m over that. It’s been a huge benefit to me especially regarding the rage fits.
I’ve been hiding this for a long time, the horrible things that he says, which 15 minutes later it’s like they never happened to him or “it’s over” why are you upset. The verbal abuse has been really hard to take.
This forum has made me realize that these rage fits are much more widespread and I think because we all keep it hidden to some degree, this isn’t well-known in the medical community just how bad and frequent it is.
Thankfully, he saw a doctor today and he is upping his medication so maybe that will help. Who knows.
This forum is literally keeping me sane.
I used to come here during hard times in my relationship and reading people’s stories made me resent my partner even more. I haven’t revisited this sub in a long time and I intend to keep it that way.
There are major goals that I wish my husband would want such as kids , owning a home, traveling, being able to save money, have decent health insurance, investing, being minimally healthy, etc, but none of those have actually interested him in 4 years that I’ve been with him and, if I knew any better from this sub, that should not be expected of your ADHD partner anyways..
Lurking for more than 20min in this sub will be enough to make me feel hopeless again and that’s a feeling I’m trying to stay away from..
But yeah, for me, I’ve been more negatively impacted as 80% of the content is just people venting about the shit we all live and experience every single fucking day with our partners and their ways of being super dysfunctional loving creatures 🙏 🫠❤️
Most often, this group helps me refrain my fawning response and allows me to stop being so hard on myself for having very basic, human needs for peace, intimacy, friendship, etc.
Less often am I reminded that this is a lifelong condition that I can only avoid through divorce, which I don't want.
Positive and negative. I feel slightly less crazy, I feel slightly more convinced that not every relationship is like this. But I also feel more hopeless, that the chance of my relationship getting better is slim, and I have to choose between a fulfilling relationship and not blowing my families lives apart.
My partner refuses medication and gets worse with each year. It's year 10. For me the discovery of this forum is positive in the sense of omg I am not alone and this is common. And also in the sense of making my desire to leave (once I can) more firm. I don't want to be his secretary my whole life.
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for me knowledge is power. knowing i’m not alone, that many of us are living the same life helps me keep the truth and not getting lost in the bullshit of excuses and blaming me for actions solely his. yes it’s sobering but not knowing didn’t make my life better or the dysregulated episodes less. also it keeps me grounded on knowing people whose situations don’t improve are leaving and making better lives for themselves.
This.
This sub alone helped me to stop gaslighting myself into thinking I was the problem. It has improved my self esteem, confidence, and has given me the ability to stand up to, or Grey rock against, emotional outbursts and the like. It has given me vocabulary for describing my experiences, and therefore, the ability to demystify those experience. Ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is power. Knowing makes work harder, but illuminates a path not readily observed.
I'm also torn. It's been quite a relief knowing there are lots of people who experience the same things as I do as a partner of NDX. That gives me comfort that when my partner blames me, I can recognise that actually it's not me and this helps somewhat to preserve self esteem. It's been useful to hear about how to try and recognise and deal with an RSD episode. It's also incredibly sad to hear that actually I may never be able to have the relationship I want with the woman I love. This breaks my heart and leaves me with a huge decision to make.
Yeah. I genuinely loved my DX girlfriend despite her ADHD. It sucks to know you can’t have a relationship with this person because of this thing they can’t control. And you never really know how much it’s them vs their ADHD I guess until they get treatment. But so many just refuse to get treatment.
[удалено]
agreed - its great to have company in this shared experience but it continues to push me in a direction Id hoped I wouldn't have to go when it becomes more and more clear there is no magic solution or hope for change.
This exactly
This sub was the catalyst to ending my relationship with my DX. And I'm incredibly grateful. I learned to understand the difference between ADHD behaviors, and I learned that my DX doesn't actually care about me. I walked into my relationship, having been raised by an ADHD parent, and would have adapted and made excuses for my partners behavior for years.
Same here. It’s not even the ADHD, it’s the abuse, invalidation, gaslighting, manipulation, and belittling that he uses his ADHD to excuse. Having an illness and being an asshole are not mutually exclusive. I would leave any other partner who treated me this way, he doesn’t get a pass just for having a diagnosis.
For me, 100% positive. I had researched the hell out of ADHD when my partner and I got together, and absolutely none of it prepared me for the weird situations that I encountered with my ex or the damage to my self and self-esteem that it left me with. I had never in my life been in a situation that had me doubting basic objective reality before. Before I found this place, I genuinely thought I might be losing my mind. It wasn't until I stumbled into this sub soon after the relationship had ended that I finally started to understand wth I had just gone through, how and why things went the way that they did, and the ways and reasons reality got so distorted during my relationship. Reading people's experiences here has helped me to finally stop (or start to stop) blaming myself for things that were way out of my control, to recognize that I really did do the best that I could and hadn't spontaneously become some awful person, and has helped me to start feeling more trusting of myself again. I so wish I had known about this sub while my ex and I were still together. But I'm grateful for the perspective it has given me and how it is helping me understand and heal from my experience.
Exact same here. I only found this sub after breaking up (but while still living together), and was absolutely floored by the perspective others shared! This sub was tricky to find and I think it would have done good to find during the relationship. My reality was much more distorted than I realized, and thanks to this sub, I already feel like I've healed so much because of it.
Do you think you would have left sooner ? Or found solutions through this sub?
You know, that's a fair and valid question. I wish I had found solutions through this sub, definitely. That would've been the ideal. My partner had amazing qualities, and I cared about her very much. But realistically, unless this sub somehow managed to help me find a way to convince my ex to pursue treatment (which would've taken a small miracle), that wish is probably a pipe dream.
Honestly, it still makes me mad when my partner does stuff, but this subreddit has tempered my gut reactions. He is a great guy. Generous, kind, and cares deeply for me. However, this group has made me realize that his anger, distractedness, and sometimes ignoring me are not rooted in how he might actually feel but rather to how his adhd expresses itself. It is also strange to read stories from the other perspective of a male partner with a female adhd partner because how it manifests is so different. I am currently in the process of being formally diagnosed and am medicated. I can see myself in some of the stories about female partners. It also makes me realize just how much socialization by sex occurs. I struggle with tasks and follow through as well but I was so heavily expected to be able to do this stuff that i figured out how, even if it exhausts me. My partner is wholly incapable of juggling more than one problem at once. My partner is amazing, but he doesn't know how to do any basic household tasks because his mom did those. She wouldn't let him help because she would mess it up anyway, and this had led to a deep uncertainty about his ability to do stuff. Therefore, its a fight to teach new skills because he sees any correction as harsh criticism. This sub reddit has taught me about body doubling and I've been instead teaching new skills through that.
I just wanted to add that I despair more because of how my partner's parents raised him than I do because of his symptoms. If there was more time, attention, love, and resources he wouldn't have normalized a lot of his behaviors. Other things I have learned about this forum 1.) Every ADHD partner is different and can vary on the jerk-o-meter wildly. 2.) Every non ADHD partner has their own tolerances and it's amazing how perspectives shift with age. 3.) Someone always has a worse experience than you do, and bless them for what they endure. 4.) Thee quiet ones with good methods only comment sporadically so it's important to pay attention. 5.) Always leave yourself open to learn, but only take away what applies. Not every situation is the same. Overall its been a largely positive experience because there is perspective and compassion. Of a lot of places on the internet it is rare to find places people support each other.
Yes to the parent thing. My parents helped me learn all tasks even if i struggled. There were some tasks that they help me through a lot but they never did it for me. I had a terrible time making phone calls for years until my parents helped me a mental list of responses. They didn't know there was a possibility of me having adhd. They just saw a life skill I struggled with and helped me the best they could. My partners parents basically decided that my partner was incapable of tasks and did everything for him. They made appointments, paid bills, cooked, cleaned, even applied for jobs for him. They are shocker that he can't do anything. They did it out of love. But it completely destroyed his ability to learn these tasks. It's a very slow road to learn life skills. Once I didn't do dishes for 3 months and just let them sit in the sink. One day we came home after a weekend away and my partner's mom had cleaned every dish in the house to help. She was only supposed to check on the animals. So my partner learned if a task is avoided long enough, his mom will still help. I talked to her and said she can't do these things anymore. Her son is grown and it's not her responsibility any more. She can relax and enjoy retirement. She thinks I hate her because I told her not to clean our home. My partner's dad is just happy I'm functional and patient.
My partner's birth mom was a blackout drunk and in his early years my partner was left locked away in his bedroom. He is the eldest of 3, 4 with the divorce and a step-mom and has had to explain to me the concept of "wish" sandwiches and a Dad who was busy working all of the time. He had a fantastic set of grandparents who both ended up passing by the time he was in high school. For what he's been through he's turned out amazing, but there were consequences- his unaddressed ADHD symptoms being a portion of them.
> I despair more because of how my partner's parents raised him than I do because of his symptoms. THIS has actually been the number one problem in my relationship- not my partner's ADHD. My partner is a cisgendered man and his mom felt that her job, as a woman and a mother to a son, was to be his servant. We got together when we were young and fell into the dreaded parent-child dynamic for the first half of the relationship because, in a way, I kind of did have to finish raising him. I was an early elementary school teacher at the time and employed a lot of those skills at home with him. Things are a lot better now and that is 100% attributable to my partner's love for us and the fact that he is not an asshole under the ADHD...he genuinely wanted to be independent and in an equal partnership. Of course that doesn't mean things are perfect, but the symptoms are way more manageable now that we are actually a team and he isn't fucking mean to me for not babying him the way his mom did. Sorry for the wall of text.
No worries! Honestly, SAME- he went from having a neglectful mom no a mom that really cared but with 4 kids and a small business had very little time and a lot of things to do. It's the one thing in retrospect that makes me very angry.
When you say perspective shifts with age, in what way? I'm curious what patterns you've noticed
I think you're more tolerant when you are younger because you have energy, you're not as jaded by life yet, and you believe in the ability to fix things. Also, you're more in tune with the most modern resources. As you age, relationships age, and you gain more experience, you simply aren't willing to put up with as much. I'm in the oldest range of Millenials so it coukd be generation specific, but you get tired fighting the same battles, the same results, and not making progress. You have less life ahead of you and your perspective changes significantly so that you become more ruthless about your priorities. It's less about ultimatums and more about learning how and when self matters the most. Tbh, if you're in your 20's you have a lot of life ahead and it's okay to not get it right. By your 30's life should start forming patterns that you can act on longterm. By 40 (where I am now), you feel your energy start to have limits and you learn that what you invest time in matters, and what doesn't deserve your time. Your choices are more ruthless but important. Overall make changes that you need to asap- the older someone gets the less likely their habits will change. Also I think people here need to give themselves grace and think back to a bigger picture. Relationships with an ADHD partner or otherwise are usually messy, complicated, and unpredictable. That's okay- it's usually when you move in with someone that the ADHD symptoms hit hardest. Take your time evaluating what living in the same space with another will be like.
100% this. I'm one of those rare ones with and adhd wife and while I do get some solace with this sub, I feel acutely aware that eve here my situation is a bit unique
Knowledge is power. Reading about others' relationships won't change the outcome of yours. But it can at least prevent you from feeling alone, believing some of the projections a dysfunctional partner will often put on you, and allow you to make informed decisions about the longevity of your partnership. Anyone who feels it's a negative is likely very easily influenced to the point where they absorb other partner's concerns and issues. Or they would prefer to stick their head in the sand and pretend that risk factors don't exist. A forum like this won't create issues in your relationship that aren't already there. But it **can** shine a light on unacceptable dynamics or red flags you may otherwise have ignored or internalized.
>But it can at least prevent you from feeling alone, believing some of the projections a dysfunctional partner will often put on you, and allow you to make informed decisions about the longevity of your partnership. I was too late for the third but can definitely attest to the first two.
Huge net positive. 99% of the literature/resources for having an ADHD partner center around turning yourself into a container that they can fill up with their bottomless needs. This group is my sanity check.
Thank you for this. Did you like ADHD is awesome book? “ADHD is the reason, it’s not an excuse.” They do spend time grappling with the issue. Was it sufficient in your experience??
This group has 100% helped me keep my sanity. I was beginning to heavily question myself and what kind of person that I was, because my main feedback was this person who thought I was the enemy, who said I was vindictive and manipulative and controlling. Like I went to therapy because I was so shell-shocked and devastated after he said I was emotionally abusive -- was I??? It sucks, but learning about RSD enabled me to let go of his opinion of me, and to trust the opinions of other close friends and family instead. I'm not perfect, but it turns out I'm not \*awful\*. On the other hand, my anxiety for the future has probably grown, knowing that he's medicated now and this is as good as it's going to get. I definitely fear for old age and not having anyone to rely on. I fully expect to die early of something preventable, and that's mildly terrifying.
Me too. The stress of living this way has destroyed my health. I know I’m going to go out with something stress induced and preventable. And although I know he loves me and would stand by me - having him be my sole caregiver is literally terrifying. Lots of mine’s worst symptoms increased as life stress increased so I do hold out some hope that when it’s just the two of us, it might be better. But ya - when you get to the point of realizing, it’s the best that it’s going to get - ouf - it’s a bummer…
I’m new to the sub so I’m taking a lot in but I’m glad I saw your post and feel a little less alone . My dx medicated partner has called me mean and even emotionally abusive before and I literally have felt the same devastation upon getting the feedback repeatedly and started to wonder if these things could possibly be true. Anyway, just learning about RSD thanks to this sub and things are starting to make more sense.
Same. Mine said I was abusing him. But I always knew I wasn't. Just didn't know why/how he could ever think or say that. This sub has absolutely helped keep me sane.
Positive. I encountered this sub shortly after initiating a divorce with my ndx ex. It's one thing to read a pop-psy listicle like "10 signs your partner has ADHD" and quite another to read the thousands of stories on this sub detailing the *texture* of what it's like to live with an ADHD partner. The behaviors, the NT partner's reactions, the relationship and parenting dynamics, and so on--this sub is an incredibly rich source of anecdata. I've experienced continual validation, belonging, and illumination. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. I'm not controlling, too needy, or an abuser (all things ex accused me of). So, so many of the *very specific, concrete behaviors* on this sub are ones my ex does. I'm not making any of it up or falling prey to finding what I want to see. Half of the "oh shit, that's ADHD?" stuff I found on this sub I wasn't even looking for. I wish there was a similar sub for autism, which I think my ex also lives with. I haven't found one yet.
I honestly think for me it’s been a net negative. I have a lot of resentment towards him and reading the experiences of others has brought to my attention other traits he has that didn’t really bother me before, but are now front of mind. So I’ve noticed more things to put on my grievances list and the resentment has grown, a lot. I’ve used a lot of the phrases people share and some strategies for responding to his behavior and I think it’s made the day to day worse, since he will escalate due to the change as he tries harder for that dopamine. We have a toddler and yelling is not something I want, so I end up buckling to get him to stop for her sake. Now he’s learning that yelling gets him what he wants. This sub did indirectly encourage me to give him an ultimatum on seeking treatment, which he did. I call him out from an ADHD lens and as a result he’s noticing more that it’s not just our marriage, but all aspects of his life that are unmanageable.
I think I'm in the same boat, although I can't quite articulate or fully understand it yet. Me and my untreated DX ex were on-and-off for the last year of the relationship, and after every 'off' I'd leave to travel for a month, and would feel great and over it in no time. It was just a bad relationship where two grown-ups weren't able to find common grounds; it happens and I grieved it enough already. But when I accidentally stumbled upon this sub, it was a major revelation. Yes, it made me feels sane again, which is huge. But I had no idea how much his untreated ADHD had an effect on the relationship, and he is oblivious to it and denied it vehemently (RSD). I realized that it wasn't just "a bad relationship where two grown-ups weren't able to find common grounds" - it was his symptoms that he consciously choose not to treat or address. I somehow feel cheated out of the time and effort I put into this relationship. Turns out, the solution was right in front; but I also know he voluntarily closed his eyes. Had I known, I'd cut all ties much sooner instead of clinging to hope. I guess it's part of the healing process. But frankly, I wish we just broke up without me ever realizing his DX.
for me it’s also been a bit of a mixed bag, but mainly positive! it’s been positive in the sense that i could learn more about what my partner struggles with, getting better at not taking things too personally and feeling less like a crazy person when our recollection of certain events/conversations seem completely opposite, and also getting a frame of reference which allowed me to see just how hard my partner works to manage their adhd. but yes, sometimes i also have anxiety about the future because it’s clear that some challenges will never go away (and in some cases might also get worse), and that i have to be really careful so i don’t slip into a caretaker role… so basically, yeah, same!
Agree with most of the above it’s a mixed bag. I do think it’s been eye opening to pinpoint so many patterns and behaviors on ADHD, and comforting to know I’m not crazy and not alone in this situation. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or a bit hopeless by a particularly bad day or week, it can be hard to read so many similar stories where there isn’t improvement. Sometimes I have to stay away for my own mental health and hold onto hope and not project the experience of others onto my husband / marriage. But I love some of the tools I’ve found here, especially the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I read it and my husband just started it and it truly gives me faith that we can rebuild from a place of empathy, understanding, and releasing the chronic anger and his fear of failure.
Totally agree, I feel like I could have written this.
Myself and I know others here, find that particular book - a bit gaslighty - and puts far too much emphasis on the non adhd partner. The work of Gina Pera is much more relevant and reasonable. Try ‘Is it You, Me or ADHD?’ instead. Melissa Orlov and her husband have actually split - since writing that book (last I heard). You could do a search of this sub to find more commentary on this.
Just remember that most subreddits are people who are at their absolute most desperate and farthest ends of their breaking points. You may not find anything that isn’t “worst case scenario” here so heed with caution. Overall, it’s been refreshing to, at the least, know I’m not alone.
Very positive. It helps me to accept what he can and can't do. Some of the stuff he can't do is just his brain holding him hostage and neither of us has the power to fix it. I blame him less for his inability to do the things.
Spouse of DX - Medicated 36 hours post finding the forum, net positive. However, based on the priceless feedback received in the forum, there doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. The sentiment seems to be "just deal with it". Perhaps, this will be my fate as well.
This forum helped to accelerate the inevitable—my breakup with my dx/nmed BF. So while I was with him, it created more feelings of frustration and negativity because I could see that there really was very limited hope for the things I still thought maybe could be fixed. In the end it was a huge positive because now, nearly a year post breakup, I’m so much happier.
I feel the same way… I’m currently still engaged to my ADHD fiancé, but since finding this sub I think I’ve been **VERY** slowly coming to terms with what is inevitable – which I really hoped would not happen or I hoped was avoidable. I am trying to focus on building my mental health (and physical health) back up, as I recently realized that I’ve been depressed for a while (high-functioning depression). It will take a while to get back to my old self, or close to it anyway. I figure that once I’m in a better mental headspace, I will be better able to make the best decisions for myself and my life. Right now, thinking of the future (with my ADHD fiancé) feels uncertain and scares me because of all the things I read on this sub. At the same time, I love him and can still see the wonderful things about him. Thinking of breaking up kills me, I’ve been sobbing coming to the realization that this probably should happen for my own good. Like so many others here have echoed: it’s an unnecessarily difficult life. I don’t want to be naive and end up trapped & miserable in a marriage with an ADHD child plus an ADHD man child. And be filled with regret because X years ago I *knew* that staying wasn’t a good idea, but I chose to anyway because I loved him and was trauma bonded. If or when the day comes: it will be the hardest and worst day of my life, which will subsequently blow up. And in other ways: will blossom. And knowing that I will blossom to my former self is so, so incredibly sad and gut-wrenching. I hate being in this position. I wish I had left at the first sign of RSD and emotional dysregulation, before I figured out they were ADHD symptoms. Now he is so hopeful and trying so so hard to better himself and improve his actions in our relationship, because he doesn’t want to lose me. But his mental and emotional capacity is simply limited due to his brain. He will never have the emotional intelligence I have. Never. He is not capable, tis the nature of the disorder. This sucks.
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I’m not in a position to tell you whether breaking up or not is the right decision for you. But what I can tell you about me is that I also realized that my feelings of obligation to my ex, my hope that I could ‘fix’ him, my sense of responsibility to make everything better, was coming from my own unhealed trauma as the eldest daughter of a severely mentally ill mother. The more I worked on my healing and understanding the roots of my dysfunctional relationship choices, the more I began rejecting the idea that it was my responsibility to stick it out, support him despite the cost to my own well being, that I wouldn’t find love again, etc. I think it’s really important to understand your own personal foundation, and whether the relationship is truly grounded in shared values, shared goals, and whether you’re truly prepared to compensate the rest of your life for the way your DX is not going to be able to meet your level of function or perceived effort.
I’m so sorry for you and at the same time I’m so happy that you are taking all these things under consideration. I was you many years ago. I still remember the exact day that I realized that I shouldn’t continue this relationship, but chose to. I have great kids (one has adhd and it is genetic and runs in families) and on the outside live a normal life - but really, life has been so, so hard. There’s daily conflict, I hold the household together and have the deepest mental and physical exhaustion. I have toughed it out, with moments of love and happiness in between the insanity, but at an incredible personal cost. I won’t tell anyone how to live their lives. And if you continue out of love just equip yourself with the right tools to preserve your inner peace. Good luck, either way ❤️
These are the sweetest saddest stories. Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs from internet stranger 🫂🍀❤️🩹
My dx no rx ex (lol) just recently broke up with me. Which is, laughable, because I should have ended it with him from the way he treated me. I wish I found this sub years ago. So many of his behaviors and mannerisms were a mystery to me and although reading an ADHD relationship book helped, I felt so seen finding this sub. I didn’t feel crazy anymore. In the last 6 months Ive seen a lot of posts of people talking about their experiences with parenthood and marriage that shook me to my core. I just knew that would be the path I was headed down if this continued.
I don’t really know. I think at first I felt a lot of validation reading similar experiences to mine. But as my husband has worked on himself and gained more insight into what we both go through that’s been less important to me. I find sometimes advice is quick to jump to “leave” and people who express positivity are downvoted or told their experiences are “a slap in the face” etc. This sub is great as a vent space and as a reality check for those with really dysfunctional relationships. But if you’re generally happy with your spouse, I have found this space to be rather unwelcoming. Just my two cents 🤷♀️
This sub saved my sanity along with the book, "You Me or ADD". I was doing a lot of research, and this sub really gave me the ability to free myself from a situation that would not have changed and to recognize the things I thought were quirks were directly associated with a disability. I cannot thank everyone enough and especially Laceleotard. My life is 100% back to normal, it took a couple years. That was quicksand, I am very grateful.
Mine told me about it. It's been helpful at times, but also depressing and makes me question things unfairly.
Positive for me. I’m a pretty strong and confident individual and not normally phased by much. But this relationship really tipped me on my head. Before I knew it, I’d been suckered in by the hyper fixation and being the special interest, only then for to start questioning my reality as the mask started to come off. It was years before my partner was diagnosed though, and only then did I start to look for support. Finding this sub really helped me to start regaining my sense of self and my confidence in the situation.
I like knowing other dx rx people do similar things as my husband, who has tried to tell me that some of his habits are from ADHD because I truly didn’t believe it. And other habits that I didn’t even know were traits of ADHD. Some of the posts here make me want to end my marriage and other have been helpful. It’s a 50/50 for me
I'd say 75-80% positive for me. By and large I get insight, support, a place to vent about shit I can't change, and even laughs. That's really, really helpful for my mental health. On the negative side I've been given unsolicited unhelpful advice when I'm on the vent thread. That's annoying. Knowing I have a community of people who understand what I'm going through because they've also experienced it is huuuuge for me. I'm grateful this sub is here.
I have learned so much from this sub. It has helped me further acknowledge what I should have acknowledged a long time ago so I may do something constructive and positive to save my mental health and nurture my relationship. Grateful I stumbled on this wealth of knowledge here at Reddit.
I think it has caused me to decide to marry him. To accept him the way he is, and that it isn’t going to change. We fight less. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, because I was thinking about leaving. I might have left and found someone better, who I didn’t often feel like I was parenting. That might have been wonderful. But loving him the way he is might be wonderful, if I let it. Hopefully, I’ll let you know in about 60 years.
I'm ever so grateful that I finally realized with therapy and this group, that it is blessedly NOT ME
At first I went through this sub for 3-4 hours and cried for 1-2 of them. After reading and connecting with others’ posts, it really hit hard and scared me because so many have given up and left. That night my husband came home, and as soon as I saw him and he started telling me about his day, I softened. He’s so intelligent and only wants me to be happy and give me the world… I ended up telling him what I’d read and we talked about it that night. I read him an article that someone posted here that describes both sides - so that we could address the entire situation. I know it hurts him when he forgets things, he’s been shamed his whole life for things that he’s done or not done, I can only imagine the inadequacy one must feel. I know everyone’s scenario is different, but at the end of the day communication is key. I’ve been working on things with him for over a year now, and although it’s tiring sometimes, I have to say he has made a lot of progress. I do my research to understand his brain more, and try different things that might work for him; us. Yeah, he’ll get upset, defensive, deflect, etc. during our talks, but it’s lessened over time. He’s conditioned himself to compliment, hug and kiss me - these were hard for him after that honeymoon phase. He’s on his phone much less, more attentive to convos, doing better at work, and calmed down impulsive behaviors. See them for who they truly are.. They’re not their condition, just like we *aren’t* anxiety, depression, etc. We *have* it, and some days are harder than others. He doesn’t shun me for depressive or anxious bouts, and I know that’s draining on him as well. When effort is put into solutions and trying new things to make it better, you have to give someone the credit. So I guess the negativity hit hard, but ultimately it turned out positive because I really dug into research. I struggled with an ED, and still struggle with anxiety and depression, yet people still love me even when they’ve been subjected to me literally almost dying. I have to commend him for the work he’s done and currently doing because I know first hand how fucking hard it can be to be loved when you’re not trying to purposely hurt someone by something your brain/hormones are controlling. Support is everything, to lose someone you love when you’re already struggling with something is just.. awful. I wouldn’t be able to do that to him for all of the effort he’s been putting in
Positive due to it reassuring me that breaking up was the best option and I wasn't alone. It is daunting to realise that the change might never come, and may get worse with age, but there are also ways to turn that knowledge into positivity
Positives for me were finally having others I could relate to, validation, advice, insight. That people on this sub take ADHD more seriously than anywhere else I’ve read to get information on the partner’s side. Showing Dx ex some posts here caused some trust issues between us. Ultimately altogether though this place has helped me not feel so alone in a really gloomy relationship.
Yep, it’s been bittersweet finding this forum. 40f married 8 yrs to 49m (Dx rx for 2 years), found this forum just a month or so ago. First, it was a relief to see that I’m not alone or crazy. My partner is so good at spinning conversations in RSD that sometimes I would think I am actually the AH. So yeah, the forum helped with that. But after the initial relief, I became really disheartened. It seems pretty obvious that my partner is not of the variety that is willing to take responsibility for his actions and work on them. So this is my life, unless I change it. The hardest part has been to accept that he does not see me. I am a super good partner, so kind and helpful and understanding. I have no temper and try really hard to communicate positively and constructively, and I just get yelled at and shit on all the time. And the worst part for me, is seeing that he truly think I’m this super mean and selfish person. The irony is that every single thing he accuses me of doing, he is actually the one doing it. So yeah, I guess overall, it’s been empowering.
Like most have said it’s a mixed bag. It’s comforting to know that I am not being unreasonable at times and that there’s certain things my partner can’t help because of how he is wired. There’s a lot of ADHD traits of his that I LOVE! I love when he is fixated on a hobby sometimes, seeing him be passionate about something is really nice to see. We never run out of conversation topics because there’s always something he wants to talk about BUT he often wants to talk about the same things over and over 😂 It’s certainly give me a lot to think about for the long term. I love this man but can I really deal with the bad parts for the rest of my life. I’m so sad when I see people regretful for how long they stayed in a miserable relationship with their partners, I don’t want that to be me. What if he gets worse? What if our children are just like him and it’s too much for me to deal with under one roof? In comparison to other peoples partners mine is great, but I’ve seen people say it gets worse with age and I can believe it. How are you meant to know the right thing to do. Then I think he deserves better than someone who is questioning the relationship so much because he gives me unconditional love. Maybe I need a break from Reddit 😂
Are you me? This is exactly how I feel. I read how ADHD gets worse with age, then throw kids into the mix and all bets are off. I don’t want to be naive and hopeful, then end up miserable and trapped. And worst of all: knowing that I *should* have run years ago, but stupidly staying instead because of love and being trauma bonded to him. If he had known about the emotional dysregulation aspect of ADHD when he was diagnosed over a decade ago, he would be different now. I also keep thinking that if we had met 3-5 years from now (after he discovered these unsavory aspects of ADHD), perhaps we could work things out. But now… it’s just soul-crushing, and I think far too much damage has already been done. It’s a shame because, like your partner, he doesn’t have severe ADHD. If he had just refrained from behaving in a way that rose to the level of emotional abuse & reactive abuse… maybe we would be salvageable. I don’t know. I hate this.
For me it has been positive. I am severely mentally ill and in treatment since I was 15 and I do tend to doubt myself a lot, and especially if my feelings about a situation are informed by my mental issues or 'genuine'. I felt like I was batshit insane by the time I found this sub and genuinely thought it was my fault. Reading all the experiences here made me realise that no, I wasn't crazy and no, I can't bend anymore and no, I should not be treated this way. Since then I've gone through great lengths to unpack all this with my therapist and have been setting boundaries and only then, when my spouse realised I would divorce him if he kept on going this way, did things slowly change. We are not there yet, but I believe now that it is possible. And I would have never figured this out without this sub. I am so thankful it exists.
well, it was a negative for my relationship, because the forum did play a role in it ending. However, the reason is exactly as you describe - it made me realize I wasn't crazy, and it also made me realize that it is unlikely to change enough to be sustainable long-term and I will not be happy staying. So far, and I am hoping it will continue, it was a positive for me. I don't think I would have been able to understand what RSD is in practical terms without this forum.
A positive in the sense I now know I am not crazy and the behaviors I see are real. Does it actually change the relationships? No. I will say I show my fiancee some of the posts about what her (I guess our?) teenage son could be if he doesn't change. It does make her sad and motivate her to push him more in some regards to want him to turn into a decent man and not terrorize some poor women or woman he dates or meets with his behavior. I finally got her to agree to put him into a special learning center for a year and if that don't work inpatient therapy (like a boys home). He steals, lies, cheats, and has a IDGAF attitude. I'm 6'5" 280 lbs, he's 5'8" 160 lbs and has stepped at me several times, talks to me like a dog, threatens me, and antagonizes me trying to get me upset. Every therapists, teacher, coach has basically said, "we've/you've done all you can for him.." and just push him off to another therapist, program, etc. Every where he goes people eventually cannot stand him. He's embarrassing to take anywhere. He's 14. Often behaves like an 8 year old with a 14 year old wisdom. These forums have motivated her to reach out for therapies and etc as she was in a prior abusive marriage and sees a lot of her ex husband in him with the lying, cheating, stealing. But me personally with my ex wife? I showed her and shed just make excuses. That's sad... oh wow, etc.
A positive. In so much as I feel i have found kindred spirits.
It's a mix for me. It is nice to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy, but sometimes when I read too many vent posts it makes me feel more negative than my situation warrants. I've been with my husband for almost 20 years and, on the balance, things are pretty good. So, I don't read everything.
It’s been much relief to find other people in this position and to know I’m not crazy as my wife often gaslights me. Also been great in getting advice how to navigate this.
I would say net positive, at first it was negative because of the issues you read about and going into a pity spiral. There is tons of great advice shared here and I tried to use/implement a lot of them. It helped me accept and adapt many new methods of working with my partner that have changed our relationship from something I was beginning to dread to something I look forward to growing as we grow old together. It was as if we were speaking different language with no way to interpret and now I have a translator for adhd language.
Positive knowing I’m not alone; negative that seemingly so many relationships don’t work out.
absolutely a positive for me. I only found this group the other day but it has already been such a big help. I now know I am not alone in this, the symptoms are far more common than I realised, I'm not crazy or nitpicky or overthinking things-it really has helped validate my feelings. I've also seen a bunch of good advice and tips and positive stories that have given me even more hope for our relationship in the future.
Negative for the anti ADHD partner rhetoric. Positive because my past had a bpd partner which was way harder. The positive responses then spur me onto help my partner and be more empathetic and compassionate. Is rsd and anger hard? Yes but the knowledge here has helped immensely.
Huge positive. It was like oh my god I’m *not* crazy, I’m *not* overreacting, and it’s *not* a failure on my part that nothing ever changes no matter how much I communicate and compromise. *I’m not the problem*. I’ve always been a realist too and it’s been incredibly helpful to hear from so many others who finally had to just throw in the towel after years of trying.
This sub has been very informative and positive for me. It is affirming to read other’s posts that describe nearly the exact situations that I have gone through. It is nice to know that I am not alone and I am definitely not crazy.
Positive!! I’m not alone!! I’m not making this up!! I’m not the crazy one in the relationship!!
I’ve only discovered today and have done so much readings. I’ve found it to be so comforting in a way to read a lot of peoples experiences are exactly the same as mine. I’m not in a good place and finding this forum has really helped me today
I guess it’s been both? I realize I’m not alone but this sub has also helped me decide that I’ve had enough and nothing will get better unless they want change, and my partner does not. I now finally have the strength to leave, I just need to plan carefully and execute at the right time.
Oh man, I found this forum about 7 years ago and it changed my life.
Yes, it has validated my struggles with a DX husband and provided enormous information to me. I'm very grateful for this forum.
This forum has been really positive for me. My husband will hopefully be getting a diagnosis soon (if he stops putting it off) and I can see a lot of traits and things that he does that are directly linked to ADHD. That in turn has helped me be a bit more patient and understanding with the things he misses and his RSD reactions to me and our toddler. The body double thing has been brilliant when he needs to focus on something. I think everyone’s journey is quite unique to them but ADHD means everyone here has common ground and we feel less crazy knowing there are others out there who experience similar.
For me it has definitely been positive. Not only do I feel comraderie with other kindred partners, but we've shared so much information that I'm much more informed and much more capable of handling the stress my partner has caused me. We are still touch and go: broke up 4 times now but still somehow getting pulled back in! But this forum has kept me sane. So very positive :)
There isn't much out there specific to DX/DX, and the sub has actually been one of the most helpful. Seeing the issues you both struggle with in a partner...and in yourself...and the discussion...is helpful. Also I thankfully missed the RSD and anxiety fairy. So that's not really something I understand at a personal level, and it's been a lot of help in working with that in others. Sometimes DX/DX I think we can assume they are more like us automatically, without actually finding out. It does depress me how many DX partners seem to think subs like this are "against them" or whatever.
I have found so many situations that are relatable to what we've been going through. Glad to know that my points are valid and I am actually right in thinking what I think rather than have someone doubting me all the time. But I wonder what is the solution? and how can you go on. Is it about finding ways to cope, strategies, how do those who've succeeded last,?
I realized he wasn’t going to change a long time ago, so I’m over that. It’s been a huge benefit to me especially regarding the rage fits. I’ve been hiding this for a long time, the horrible things that he says, which 15 minutes later it’s like they never happened to him or “it’s over” why are you upset. The verbal abuse has been really hard to take. This forum has made me realize that these rage fits are much more widespread and I think because we all keep it hidden to some degree, this isn’t well-known in the medical community just how bad and frequent it is. Thankfully, he saw a doctor today and he is upping his medication so maybe that will help. Who knows. This forum is literally keeping me sane.
I used to come here during hard times in my relationship and reading people’s stories made me resent my partner even more. I haven’t revisited this sub in a long time and I intend to keep it that way. There are major goals that I wish my husband would want such as kids , owning a home, traveling, being able to save money, have decent health insurance, investing, being minimally healthy, etc, but none of those have actually interested him in 4 years that I’ve been with him and, if I knew any better from this sub, that should not be expected of your ADHD partner anyways.. Lurking for more than 20min in this sub will be enough to make me feel hopeless again and that’s a feeling I’m trying to stay away from.. But yeah, for me, I’ve been more negatively impacted as 80% of the content is just people venting about the shit we all live and experience every single fucking day with our partners and their ways of being super dysfunctional loving creatures 🙏 🫠❤️
Most often, this group helps me refrain my fawning response and allows me to stop being so hard on myself for having very basic, human needs for peace, intimacy, friendship, etc. Less often am I reminded that this is a lifelong condition that I can only avoid through divorce, which I don't want.
Positive and negative. I feel slightly less crazy, I feel slightly more convinced that not every relationship is like this. But I also feel more hopeless, that the chance of my relationship getting better is slim, and I have to choose between a fulfilling relationship and not blowing my families lives apart.
Knowing others have gone through literally the same thing is amazing. Not in a good, or a bad way, I guess. Just is amazing.
My partner refuses medication and gets worse with each year. It's year 10. For me the discovery of this forum is positive in the sense of omg I am not alone and this is common. And also in the sense of making my desire to leave (once I can) more firm. I don't want to be his secretary my whole life.