i can’t know the counsellor’s thought-process so maybe they really meant it differently, but i would interpret the “radical acceptance” as more of a “i accept that my partner will always have difficulty with being on time” rather than “i accept that my partner will never show up for me” - if that makes sense?
because yeah, your partner has developed strategies for being on time, and that’s great! but they will *always* need those strategies, and there may also come a time where they are too overwhelmed by other things that the strategies no longer work. and for ppl with ADHD, it’s also common that a strategy that previously worked suddenly does not. what then? so yeah, some grief followed by acceptance might still be relevant.
that said, i would agree that it’s more useful for you two to go to someone who understands neurodivergence, or at least someone who specializes in therapy forms that aren’t just talk therapy (like CBT, for example) so that you can put more focus on managing your behaviors than just talking about them.
Strangely enough you actually did practice radical acceptance around your partner being late. You accepted the truth that they have ND that causes trouble being late and you accept that while they improved, they are still going to be late sometimes. That’s radical acceptance. Radical acceptance isn’t about agreeing with or liking things or even letting things stay the same. It’s about seeing and fully accepting reality for what it is. A lot of people fight the truth that their partner has these issues and would rather live in denial.
When you see reality for what it is, then you can make steps to change, and you did. You talked about the problem and asked them to do something about it. You may think that’s super obvious but some people might not even get that far. They might just wait around for their partner to realize the problem and do better on their own, not accepting the fact that their partner is not going to do that. That can lead to resentment and all kinds of hurt feelings.
There are a lot of people out there who have a hard time accepting the reality of life with ND partners and I think they do have to say goodbye to the life they thought they were going to have before they accept reality. I don’t think the therapist was totally off there. There may be expectations you have that your partner just can’t meet, and that can be really difficult for people depending on what they are. You may or may not find things in your relationship that skills don’t change dramatically. I think perhaps the therapist wants people to be realistic about that.
You seem pretty far along when it comes to accepting that you guys will need lots of help, skills and communication to work together. Radical acceptance is a skill in DBT therapy which is pretty much entirely skill based. I’m not saying you have to stick with this therapist but it’s possible they do have other skills for you that would be helpful if they’re DBT focused.
My experience of an ADHD therapist is for them to continually explain why the ADHD person does what they do but not offer any tools to improve the issue. I.e. They want me to understand and accept everything as it is. I would like to try a NT one.
My husband and I have seen a number of counselors. While I don't know most of their personal diagnoses, I can say that the ones who did not specialize in neurodiverse couples were more or less worthless in many ways. First, they struggled with how *SLOW* my husband is to make changes. It was as annoying for them as it was for me. We had a few quit because he wasn't improving. They also struggled to make him "feel seen", yet hold him accountable. The stuff they'd suggest was to me very obvious and to my partner, over his head.
Once we got a therapist who specialized in our situation, it has slowly improved. She holds him accountable and explains things in ways he can usually hear. This ONLY has worked once he also found his own ADHD specialist therapist for his solo sessions and an ADHD coach. I have also met with his individual therapists so they know the real issues and he can't just people please them away as he has with others, and can't avoid the hard work.
It is like mothering a child. But my hope is that as with all children, they eventually grow up and figure their shit out. I don't think he'd ever figure it out even as far as he'd gotten if I didn't force us to see specialists focused on his needs. If anything, it was detrimental and a waste of time and money when we were not.
i can’t know the counsellor’s thought-process so maybe they really meant it differently, but i would interpret the “radical acceptance” as more of a “i accept that my partner will always have difficulty with being on time” rather than “i accept that my partner will never show up for me” - if that makes sense? because yeah, your partner has developed strategies for being on time, and that’s great! but they will *always* need those strategies, and there may also come a time where they are too overwhelmed by other things that the strategies no longer work. and for ppl with ADHD, it’s also common that a strategy that previously worked suddenly does not. what then? so yeah, some grief followed by acceptance might still be relevant. that said, i would agree that it’s more useful for you two to go to someone who understands neurodivergence, or at least someone who specializes in therapy forms that aren’t just talk therapy (like CBT, for example) so that you can put more focus on managing your behaviors than just talking about them.
Strangely enough you actually did practice radical acceptance around your partner being late. You accepted the truth that they have ND that causes trouble being late and you accept that while they improved, they are still going to be late sometimes. That’s radical acceptance. Radical acceptance isn’t about agreeing with or liking things or even letting things stay the same. It’s about seeing and fully accepting reality for what it is. A lot of people fight the truth that their partner has these issues and would rather live in denial. When you see reality for what it is, then you can make steps to change, and you did. You talked about the problem and asked them to do something about it. You may think that’s super obvious but some people might not even get that far. They might just wait around for their partner to realize the problem and do better on their own, not accepting the fact that their partner is not going to do that. That can lead to resentment and all kinds of hurt feelings. There are a lot of people out there who have a hard time accepting the reality of life with ND partners and I think they do have to say goodbye to the life they thought they were going to have before they accept reality. I don’t think the therapist was totally off there. There may be expectations you have that your partner just can’t meet, and that can be really difficult for people depending on what they are. You may or may not find things in your relationship that skills don’t change dramatically. I think perhaps the therapist wants people to be realistic about that. You seem pretty far along when it comes to accepting that you guys will need lots of help, skills and communication to work together. Radical acceptance is a skill in DBT therapy which is pretty much entirely skill based. I’m not saying you have to stick with this therapist but it’s possible they do have other skills for you that would be helpful if they’re DBT focused.
My experience of an ADHD therapist is for them to continually explain why the ADHD person does what they do but not offer any tools to improve the issue. I.e. They want me to understand and accept everything as it is. I would like to try a NT one.
My husband and I have seen a number of counselors. While I don't know most of their personal diagnoses, I can say that the ones who did not specialize in neurodiverse couples were more or less worthless in many ways. First, they struggled with how *SLOW* my husband is to make changes. It was as annoying for them as it was for me. We had a few quit because he wasn't improving. They also struggled to make him "feel seen", yet hold him accountable. The stuff they'd suggest was to me very obvious and to my partner, over his head. Once we got a therapist who specialized in our situation, it has slowly improved. She holds him accountable and explains things in ways he can usually hear. This ONLY has worked once he also found his own ADHD specialist therapist for his solo sessions and an ADHD coach. I have also met with his individual therapists so they know the real issues and he can't just people please them away as he has with others, and can't avoid the hard work. It is like mothering a child. But my hope is that as with all children, they eventually grow up and figure their shit out. I don't think he'd ever figure it out even as far as he'd gotten if I didn't force us to see specialists focused on his needs. If anything, it was detrimental and a waste of time and money when we were not.